Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

and some scenes of a sexual nature.

No. Why not? I don't want to. You have to. I write my own destiny.

L00k, being sad doesn't make you interesting.

I am not sad, I just don't 0bserve the western notion of the new year.

Oh, really? Yeah, I celebrate Chinese New Year, actual*.

Oh, right, OK. When is Chinese New Year?

May, is it?

Right, I genuinely don't have time for this.

I l00k amazing and you l00k OK.

I'll see you in there. Fine-ah!

Fine. Fine. Fine.

Um, you're breaking my bal* here. Yes!

Happy New Year!

W00! OK, baby.

We're going to have a g00d night.

It's going to be a really interesting year for currency.

It's going to be s0...

There's s0 many currencies now which are just on the up, you know?

I mean, you have to know which to go for.

Aluminium, you've got to invest in aluminium, that's the big one,

then gold. Bitcoin is...

I know it's a cliche, but Bitcoin is the one.

That's the interesting thing about Bitcoin,

it really is the people's currency.

Oh, I love it. Mm. Another round?

Yes. Yeah.

I'm sorry, yes, yes, um, I would love another gin and tonic.

OK.

I'll have a glass of red wine.

Ooh. Oh, I will a*0 have that.

A glass of red wine, in addition to the gin and tonic.

No problem, whatever the lady wants.

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, my God.

Just s0 you know, I'm 0nly interested in Kate.

Yeah, OK. Just Kate.

Copy that. Thanks.

What was that?

He thinks you're fit.

Oh, my God!

That's electric.

Kate! Shall we get espress0 Martinis?

Hello?

My...my name is jessie. I just need a pee.

I'm a very normal girl.

P00r Donna.

James, james Bond.

You're drunk. You're drunk.

Jessie is drunk.

Yeah.

TOl LET FLUSHES

Hi-l0...hell0.

Hi, Jessie.

How did you know my name?

You've said it a number of times since you came in here.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, right.

What were you doing in there?

Peeing. Pee...?

Wel* you can do it standing up.

Yeah, I treated myse* to a sit-down one.

Being able to pee standing up is a gift. What...?

You would pee in a gift horse mouth?

Yeah, I would.

Disgusting.

You know, it's " Bond, James Bond".

You were doing it the wrong way round.

That was actual* a private conversation. Oh, OK.

Yeah. Sorry.

OK, n0 worries.

You were right about one thing, though...

...you do seem drunk.

OK.

Tah.

BLOWS

Oh!

So is it an actual coin?

Uh, uh, n0.

Uh...n0. Right.

It...it... Yeah.

So it's, like, modern...? Yeah.

Yep. Yeah, it's kind of like a modern, you know,

it's the modern currency. It's the modern currency.

So if I said, can I have a bit...?

Yeah, I 'd say, "Yes, please, come to my 0ffice right away".

THEY LAUGH

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm just joking.

People say I have a kind of random sense of humour.

You're funny.

You're funny.

Uh, 0h, that's my library card. I love to read.

There you go. I've got some more in here.

I've got some more.

SHE LAUGHS Hey, bathroom.

Hey, hell0 again. Yeah.

I know you.

Do you work at the Shepherd's Bush Superdrug?

No.

What? Wel* that's crazy.

Wel* there is someone who works there who looks exact* like you.

It's not me. OK.

Is he g00d - l00king?

Sorry, what? Superdrug guy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my gosh, "schmokin".

Aw00ga.

OK, wel* thanks.

No, it's...

I mean, the Superdrug guy was hot.

But you said I l00k just like him.

No, I mean, I feel...you, you've got a similar issence to him.

What?

You have a similar essence.

Oh, right, you didn't say essence, you said issince.

Oh, ha- ha, funny.

I've got a funny accent. Great.

CROWD: Ten, nine, eight...

I don't want to lose my spot.

Fair enough.

You don't have to kiss me or anything.

Genuinely didn't cross my mind.

...two, one. CROWD CHEERS

Shall we split this or should I ...I put some

money int0 your account, or...?

No, it's fine, don't worry, I've got it. OK.

So, you want to have sex? We're having sex.

Yeah, I know, but do you want to? Yeah. Yeah, OK.

I'm just checking it's not a mistake.

No, it's not a mistake. OK. All right.

Wait, do you want to be having sex?

Yeah.

You? Yeah.

OK, great, w00! OK. All right.

Sl LENTLY

Oi. Yeah?

What's your name?

You don't know my name?

I know who you are.

Yeah, I should hope s0.

You're the guy from the thing, um...

What? Oh, my...0h, my God. Huh.

What the hel* How could you not tell me this?

What do you mean? Wh0 you are.

What you do.

I did, actually.

What do you do?

I'm an actor.

Ugh, n0 thanks.

When did we eat cerea*

Why are you wearing my coat?

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

OK, I'm not sure why you're freaking out, but... Oh, my God. Oh.

Oh, I can't believe I let you go down on me.

Let me? You told me to.

Wel* you shouldn't have done it

cos, if I 'd have known who you were, I would not have let that happen.

You didn't seem to mind last night.

Wel* I was acting.

No, you weren't.

Were you? No.

No.

Wel* yes, yeah, yeah, um, yeah.

I was, 0n* cos I can't, I can't, you know,

when I'm tipsy and s0...

I stil* I still enjoyed it.

OK. Yeah.

Sorry. No, n0, it's fine, I mean, same, you know?

Yeah.

Sorry, what do you mean by that? I mean...

...I didn't either, you know?

Yes, you did. No, I didn't.

Mm, I'm pretty sure you did.

No, I really didn't. No, you did. No.

What, you...s0 you faked it?

Yeah, I guess.

I can't...I can't believe this.

What? You just told me you did exactly the same thing.

SHE SIGHS

I must not have been giving it my all.

Hm, I think you were trying pretty hard.

Sorry, n0 0ffence, but you didn't see me at full ti*, obvious*.

Oh, I'm pretty sure I saw it all.

I think, if you'd have seen it al* you would know.

Really? Mm, like you wouldn't be able to walk.

God, that sounds awful. Yeah, I know.

You'd be ruined for 0ther women.

Hm. Hm.

Wel* for the record,

I wasn't really trying either.

Not true, actual*, I ...I specifical* remember you

saying, "This is some of my best stuff."

Yeah, I would never have said that.

Ah, that was the subtext of what you were saying,

I was reading between the lines.

Can you believe that was still 0nly 75ofo?

Oh, my God, stop trying to win at kissing.

Um, can you stop trying to win at kissing?

I'm 0bvious* better at it than you.

SHE CHUCKLES

Jesus, you l00k like shit.

Hey, it's New Year's Day, what do you...what do you expect from me?

To not show up to work in last night's clothes.

You know what? That is fair. That is real* fair.

Aren't you going to ask, though, why I haven't changed or...?

No. It's a great story though.

Kids, Jessie's here.

I thought we were getting Shivani.

Oh, my God, why don't you just marry Shivani, then?

I don't want to marry her. There's nothing in the fridge.

I'm going to bed.

All right, hand it over. Come on. Come on. There we go.

Now, who has seen G00dfellas?

TV: Thatts when I knew... Hey. I just knew...

Where have you been?

I texted you, didn't I?

I can't find my phone. TURNS OFF TV

So, if I said the name Tom Kapoor to you,

what would that kind of...

...what response would that kind of get? Hot.

Mm- hm, yeah.

Wel* you know he was, uh, he was there last night?

Oh, that's exciting.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah.

What?

Oh, my God.

I know! I know!

Oh! How did this happen?!

No, tell me everything ! I don't know. I don't.

I mean, genuine*, I don't know, I mean,

cos I was quite drunk, but I do remember I kept asking him

if he wanted to do it, like, while we were doing it.

You do do that.

Yeah, but this morning I had sex with him again and,

Kate, I was bare* drunk that time.

Oh, that is s0 sweet. Mm- hm.

And, 0h, yeah, here's the best bit.

Tw0 hours later, I got my period. Like, what is that?

Touched by an ange* like, that's... the timing of that...

Will you see him again? Um, I don't know.

You probably won't see him again.

Wel* maybe I'll see him again.

He is a famous actor and you're a little rat nob0dy.

Oh, that's s0 harsh, but it's true.

Hm. But you know what?

What's done is done, like, he can't take it back.

I am forever a stain on his sexual history.

SHE SCREAMS

I knew you were going to react like this. W00.

Oh. Yeah.

W00.

Wow, OK.

Hm.

Yep.

I'm going to get in the shower, actual*. Oh, yeah.

J ill. jessie.

Jessie, yeah. Close. Really close.

Hey. Hiya. THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

Your, um, your toilet's completely blocked.

Popcorn and water.

That's 5.50, thank you.

Your favourite film is Schindler's List?

Oh, n0, um, that's...this is not my badge, um...

Cos it's a pretty 0bvious choice, n0 0ffence.

Again, I'm not Mike, that's not my...

Everything OK here? Yeah, total*.

I actual* haven't even seen Schindler's List.

You've never seen Schindler's List? No. No.

I've seen Son of Sau* that's devastating, isn't it?

I can't believe you've never seen Schindler.

What is your favourite film? Uh, I don't know, man.

Rush Hour 2.

It's a great, great flick.

Your film is starting now.

Go0d chat...

...Mike.

Urg.

What a dick. What is wrong with me?

I kind of loved that - that was hot.

Yeah. No, yeah, yeah, totally.

I actually love the Rush Hour franchise.

Tom?

Hi. Hi.

It's crazy.

I ...I work just there. Yeah, I just, um...

I remember you said you worked at a cinema in Hackney, uh...

But there are a lot of cinemas in Hackney,

but then I remembered you said it was near the 0verground, s0, yeah.

Wow.

Go0d work, Detective Morse.

I nspector Morse. It...yeah, kind of...

Not a detective, he's an inspector.

What are you doing here?

Actually, um, you left this at my flat.

Oh, aha!

That's not mine.

Really? No.

I'll have it though.

Huh, OK, wel* uh, that's weird, I ...

I came to return this, but it's not

yours and now I l00k like a psych0, s0...

I should probably head 0ff. OK.

All right. Bye. Bye. See ya.

I'm s0 sorry, I am... I'm walking this way as wel* yeah.

Oh, OK. I ...yeah, I was just...

So, I can walk a bit with you. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Wel* it'll be g00d, actual*, it'll be good,

just in case some crazy super fan kil* you on the way home.

What if you kill me?

Oh, please, I'm not a fan, but...

There's this amazing abandoned warehouse

that I real* want to show you.

Oh, yeah, I've actually got a couple of bodies... Real*?

They're probab* listening to us right now, this conversation.

The government? Yeah.

Big Brother's a*ays watching. Wake up, sheeple.

Ooh, I hope they didn't just hear you say sheeple.

I hope they did, s0 they can know that I'm onto them.

Do you want to... Yes...come in? No.

I'm- I'm... I didn't mean for it to sound like that,

like I wanted something to happen.

No, n0, n0, I do, I ...I want to have something,

have something happen. Oh, OK. C00* me t00. Great.

Um, great.

No, I, um...

I ...I got my period this aftern00n.

For the first time? LAUGHl NG: Yeah.

That's very funny, you actual* made me laugh.

I don't usual* find men funny, s0, um, it's a real win for you.

No, I just, um, I just wanted to flag it

because sometimes people can be a bit...

You do know I'm an adult man, don't you?

Wow. I hope they heard what you just said for your sake.

That was great.

That was...

I liked...I liked that.

What about that? How much did that cost?

I don't know. Hm.

What about that?

I'm not sure, it was just here when I got the place.

How much was this cup?

Yeah, it's rude to talk about money, you know?

Wel* silence is the tool of the oppressor.

Uh- huh, and what do you mean by that?

I don't know, but it is...

it sounds true, and it sounds quite smart, so that's why I said it.

So, um, do you like working at the cinema?

So, do you like being an actor? What?

No, sorry, sorry, it was just a bit of a weird question.

Wel* I just want to know things about you. Why?

So I can describe you to the police when you steal my cup.

I won't...I won't steal it.

What are your parents' names?

David and Liz.

And which one do you like more?

Um, my mum, I guess, but I ruined her body,

s0 she's earned my loya*y, in a way.

Do you want to ask me anything?

Yes. Sorry, yeah, of course.

Um...

OK, what is your favourite col0ur?

Blue. C00* OK.

Um, what is your...

...second favourite col0ur? Oh, come on. No, I ...

That's a g00d question, to be fair.

I feel like it says a lot about someone,

what their second favourite is, you know?

My second favourite col0ur is green.

You have five minutes to think of a better question. OK.

Fine.

SHOWER SPRl NKLES I N BACKGROUND

SHORT Vl BRATION Charge your phone, you dumbarse.

You know what, can I change my answer?

I don't think blue is my favourite col0ur any more.

I can't hear you thinking.

Come on, next question.

Over here. Home-wrecker.

Home-wrecker.

Oh, wait, wait, it's just the cleaner.

Yeah. Yeah, sorry.

Sorry, love. Yeah.

It's an honest job. Thank you.

Have a great day.

Jessie?

Jessie?