All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S08E20.WEBRip.x264-ION10

ADULT ADAM:
L.A. in the '80s.

It was all sunshine,
palm trees, and movie stars,

and nothing captured
that West Coast magic

quite like Randy Newman's
iconic anthem...

♪♪ I love LA

♪♪♪♪

♪♪ We love it ♪♪

Randy Newman.
Now there's a man

who oozes laid-back,
California cool.

He looks like
your friend's dad,

the one who doesn't
work really.

And his lyrics really tell you
what L.A. is all about

by name-checking
five different boulevards.

So many boulevards.

While also giving it
to New York and Chicago

for being in
a different climate.

He's right,
it is cold there sometimes.

If I hadn't promised
to spend spring break

helping Joanne move,
I'd so be in La La Land,

partying at Spago
with Sigourney Weaver,

James Worthy,
and Duran Duran.

None of those people
will let you in their party.

It's my party!
I may not let them in.

So you're gonna travel
to a city where you know
no one and throw a party?

At a Malibu mansion!

At a mansion
you don't own!

We got a day rate!

To pivot this conversation
to anything else...

Erica, what are you
doing for spring break?
Moping more?

Yes. I lost
the love of my life,

so I'm allowed
to be down.

I'm just gonna focus
on my studies.

Hey! Barry!

I usually
don't care about you,

but you need
to snap out of this funk

by jetting off
to sunny California.

You and Randy Newman
may love L.A.,

but I'm fine here
in chilly Philly,

home of okay pizza.

I can't believe
I'm saying this,
but Barry's right.

And I can't believe
I am saying this,

but Adam is right
in that I am right.

I'm sorry,
but the only place
I want to be

is away
from this conversation.

Who's getting away?

Tell me you're not
doing something selfish,

like joining
the Peace Corps.

Barry wants me
to go to L.A.

L.A.? [SCOFFS]

Those health nuts
don't cheese anything,

and "sugar" is just something
your agent calls you.

Don't worry. I just
want to hunker down
and not run into Geoff.

Well, there's no fear
of that. He's already
left for spring break.

To where? Daytona?
South Padre? I don't care.

Tell me now!
Okay, I-I don't care.

Those beaches
are inappropriate.

The only time a T-shirt
should be wet

is when Adam goes swimming
in front of his classmates.

Mom got a doctor
to say that I had
a medical excuse.

Well, I'm getting
the hell out of here,
too.

Yes! I have the perfect
spring break idea.

A mother-daughter trip
to the New England
Cranberry Festival!

Exactly,
but not that at all.

Barry's right.
I'm gonna go to L.A.

I need to escape
even thinking about Geoff.

If there's one thing
I've learned from
my volatile love life,

it's that
impulsive decisions

are the first step
to healing.

And I get to spend time
with my best gal pal.

She's talking about me.Lainey Lewis!

Please let Lainey know that
I have moved on with Joanne,
and I am disgustingly happy.

ERICA: I won't.

But I guess
you were the one
that said L.A.,

so thanks.

Yay! My middle Schmoopie
helping my oldest Schmoopie

while my youngest Schmoopie
looks on.

♪♪ I love my schmoos...

Oh, no!

She's co-opted
the Randy Newman song

and ruined its message
of municipal pride!

♪♪ Look at that Adam

♪♪ Look at that Barry

♪♪ Look at that Erica, too

♪♪ I love my schmoos ♪♪

She loves us!I love 'em!

♪♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

♪♪ I don't know the future

♪♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪♪

ADULT ADAM: It was May 5,
1980-something,

and my best friend,
Dave Kim, and I

were about to get
life-changing news.

Madman Ad-man!

Radical Ad-ical!

You guys
have cool nicknames
for ol' Dave Kim?

Hmm. How about Buttface?

[LAUGHS]Backing off that,

I like Buttbreath
for you.

Oh, love it!

But we called someone
Buttbreath last year.

Maybe we go
with Buttbrain.

I like the internal
alliteration,

but a-are we married
to the whole butt area?

Because Asshat
is right there.

Took us a while,
but we got it.
You're Asshat.

Thank you.

So what brings you guys
to the part of the cafeteria

where the sun's healthy light
doesn't reach?

We wanted to
invite you to this.

Gentlemen,
welcome to poker night.

But Barry told me

poker night was just
a William Penn urban legend

created by people
"jealous of his physical
and mental dominance."

You hear the holes in it
when you say it out loud.

Asshat's right.

I probably shouldn't be
asking this,

given my fluctuating
social standing,
but why us?

Two seats opened up.

Chris Flanagan
got sent to military school
for kissing his stepsister,

and Alec Ames
is awaiting trial

for the victimless crime
of armed assault.

Poker![BOTH LAUGH]

Did you know when you
have the best hand

it's called "having the nuts"?

"Having the nuts," Dave Kim!

No wonder people love poker!

I always thought poker players
were insufferable,

but not when it's us!

Pssht!

No one ever learned stuff
from a book.

I'll teach you everything
you need to know.

Is that a Popsicle
shaped like a baseball glove?

Dave Kim
knows his sports foods.

Barry, every word you say

is the best argument for why
we don't need your help.

Well, there's no way

Mom's gonna let you have
a night of debauchery.

We've got it covered.

I told her
I'm sleeping at Dave Kim's.

And I said
I was sleeping here.

Damn it! That's rock solid.

Nothing will stop us

from an epic night
of "having the nuts"!

ADULT ADAM: That was
until this happened.

Poker night's cancelled?

My mom started dating a cop.

He sniffed it out.

Sorry, bros.

No venue, no game.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Gah! Oh!

For a few
brief joyful moments,

I forgot
you work here.

And I forgot you were
a lying sack of dog crap.

Whoa!
I'm your special schmoopy!

Yeah, a schmoopy
who lied to his mama

about spending the night
at a friend's house

instead of playing
games of chance
with degenerates!

How'd you find out
about that?

Who do you think
set up Corbett's mom
with Officer Carl?

Oh, damn your extraordinary
matchmaking skills!

You used to be
my sweet baby boy,

afraid of the world,

and now you'll be
a hardened card fiend,
willing to bet it all.

Card fiend?
It's a friendly game.

Please,
my manicurist's son

put a single nickel
into a slot machine.

Next thing you know,
he's playing Russian Roulette

to settle
his cockfighting debts.

He shot himself in the cheek,
dimple to dimple.

Now when
he swigs water,

he sprays
like an Italian fountain.

None of that
ever happened.

Well, it's not
happening to you,

so go to class

thankful you don't
have extra holes

in your tiny perfect body,

and we'll figure out
your punishment later.

I think you discussing
my holes at school

is punishment enough,
but okay.

ADULT ADAM:
While my poker night
had gone bust,

my sister was all-in
for her trip to L.A.

[HORN HONKS]

Excuse me,
you look super familiar.
Are you a famous movie star?

Yeah, I think
it's because we went
to high school together

and you're
my best friend.

I knew it was from something.
Oh, my God!

I've missed you!So much!

You sure?
Because it seems like
L.A.'s working out.

What is this car?

Oh, this old thing?
It's fun to have the top down,

but you'd be surprised
how often pedestrians
touch you at red lights.

Tell me everything.
How's your music going?

So great.
I mean, there's a chance

I could click
the radio on right now
and hear my latest single.

ANNOUNCER: Coldwater Canyon
is the scene
of a grisly murder today...

So, how are you
holding up?

Fine. So fine.

So show me the town!

Uh, it's more of a sprawling,
shoddily designed metropolis

without an obvious center,
but let's do it.

ADULT ADAM: They saw
the real L.A.,

smog, traffic,

a pretty noticeable
wealth gap,
and this neighborhood.

Oh, is this where Daniel-San
and his single mom lived
in The Karate Kid?

That's so much nicer
than here.Hmm.

This is a fun little
pocket neighborhood

called La Sangre
De Los Condenados.

The blood
of the damned?

Look at you.
Two years of high school
Spanish paid off.

[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE]

I can't lie to you anymore...
I live here.

I'm so confused.

We were gonna stay
at this home

of a producer I know
who's in Aspen,

but then I have to send him
pictures of my feet.

I thought
you were doing great

and your song
is on the radio.

I said that my song
could've been on the radio...

If I had a song.

Which I don't.
Or any prospects
of any kind.

But what about
this fancy car?

I rented it with every penny
of next month's rent.

It's future Lainey's
problem.

Why didn't you
just tell me?

Because I know
you were broken up
about Geoff

and wanted
a kick-ass spring break,

and I didn't want you
worrying that I have $8
and live in this hellhole.

So you were just pretending
to be successful

so that I wouldn't
worry about you

and we could focus
on my issues?

[HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE]

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend!

And you're both
my best friend!

Get outta here, Jim!
We're having a moment.

It's not all terrible.

I did book
a small gig tomorrow.

Hey, maybe you'd want
to do it with me?

You mean get the band
back together?

Hell yeah.

You know, I used to
be a Little Rascal!

ADULT ADAM:
While Lainey and Erica
were reconnected,

my lies were about
to get me disconnected.

ADAM: Oh, come on!

You can't save your progress
in Super Mario Bros.!

You think you can
just spend the day

with Marco and Linguini
as if nothing happened?

Do you even know
what I did?

Whatever it is,
I'm very disappointed!

You heard your father.

You're gonna go to Pop-Pop's
and help him out
around the house.

Pop-Pop?
He doesn't need my help.

He's energized by a lifetime
of spite and resentment.

You're gonna help him
put on his compression socks.

Open the sock real wide
so his nails don't snag
the material.

That reminds me...
Bring the toe clippers.

Do you know
how to do a medical pedicure?

Is this punishment
or just a bunch of stuff
you don't want to do?

Why can't it be both?

I'm still a child!

I shouldn't have to learn
about the world this way.

You're 11! It's about time
for the blinders to come off.

I'm 17.So are your grandpa's
heel spurs,

which need sanding.

Ugh! This is cruel
and unusual!

You should have
thought of that before

you did or didn't do the thing
that you did or didn't do.

♪♪♪♪

Whoa, wha...

Look, I don't want to be here
any more than you do,
so spackle away.

It's great to see you,
Pop-Pop.

Oh, cut the crap.
So what did you do to get
saddled with foot duty?

I got in trouble
for lying about a poker game,
and my mom shut it down.

Poker, huh?

You know, I used to
run a weekly game here
with the fellas.

You had a poker game?
Also, you had fellas?

Eh, more like
suckers I'd hustle.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, do me a favor.
Open that closet over there.

♪♪♪♪

Well, why don't ya
have your game here?

[GASPS] Are you serious?

Hey, look, I'm bored
and I'm broke, huh?

I'd never miss a chance
to fleece a buncha dumb kids.

Those seem like
all the wrong reasons,

but it would solve
a minor social problem,
so hell yeah!

Relax, it's just a game.

We're not kissing nurses
in Times Square.

Huh? Back to the foot.

ADULT ADAM: As I found a way
to bring poker night back,

Erica and Lainey
were back to rocking out,

except the gig was for
a six-year-old's birthday.

♪♪ Twinkle, twinkle little star

♪♪ How I wonder what you are ♪♪

LAINEY: Thank you, Encino!

This is fun.

Rich L.A. people
blow their money
on the dumbest stuff.

I mean, look,
there's a sushi chef.

Oh, my God.
Ashley's dad is Tom Marquez?
He books the Roxy!

You need
to give him your demo!

I totally would
if I had a demo.

What do I do?I don't know.

But he's coming over
right now, so act cool.

Hey, you're a star.

Thank you. I mean,
I think I put a little
too much vibrato

on Wheels On The Bus,
but I guess you see
my raw talent.

Nah, the costumes.
You're a star.
She's a moon.

Good stuff.

Oh, right. And I really hope
to play your club one day.

Fine. How's tonight?Tonight?

Holy crap. Yes!
How is this happening?

Eh, it's a holiday Monday.

We'll take it!

Oh, my God!

The Roxy?

Is this what L.A. is?
A place where dreams come true

in the backyard
of a children's party?

It's all because
you're here.

Everything's better
when we're together.

I wish it could be this way
all the time.

Actually,
I guess it could be.

What are you saying
right now?I could move here.

Geoff isn't what's missing
from my life. It's you!

It is me!

[CHUCKLES]

Could you give us a hand
with the cake?

It's heavy.
There's a Laker Girl in it.

Okay.

♪♪♪♪

ADULT ADAM: I had
upped the ante

and teamed with Pop-Pop
for a poker party.

All I had to do was round up
a crew for a legendary night.

Cheggit! Everyone
gets their own pouch
of Big League Chew.

We can act like
we're dipping tobacco,

but, really,
we're enjoying mediocre gum!

Candy and decorations?

Y'all gonna make
Tex Monte Carlo
look like a fool.

Tex Monte Carlo?

I'm an international
riverboat gambler
and man of justice.

I get into
and out of danger,

usually involving money,
women, or both.

Well, take it back
to the mighty Mississippi
because you're not invited.

Monte stays. Besides,
we can use a cooler.

I am the coolest.

A cooler is an unlucky person
who "cools" someone
on a hot streak.

Whatever.

At least I'm not bringing
jelly beans to a poker party.

Monte's right.
This place looks like
The Good Ship Lollipop.

Come on. We got to
liven the vibe here.

Ooh, like a nice
Greek platter

with pita and cheeses
and hummus.

Not at all. And don't
get me started
with the Greeks.

Come on, come on,
let's go.

See, the reason
that Atlantic City

plies people with
stogies, booze, and broads

is that the less clear
the head,

the more cash
they drop.

Bar, is it okay
that Pop-Pop's buying us
beer, smokes, and smut?

Adam, this man
is your grandfather.

Honor him and grab me
that Playboy

with La Toya Jackson
on the cover.

Hey, stop slow-dancing
with each other!

Let's go.
Someone's gotta pay.

ADULT ADAM: I was set up
for the best night ever,

but like any
good poker player,

I had to do a little bluffing.

How's my dad?Well, actually...

It wasn't
a conversation starter.

Just say fine,
and we're good.

I just hope
you learned your lesson.

So many lessons.

In fact, you broke
my troublemaking spirit,

so I'm gonna freshen up
and head back over.

Our sweet boy
has returned to us.

[CHUCKLES]
Thank God I was there
to help him change course.

Can you imagine
a parent allowing
this to happen

under her own nose?

You saved me, Mama.

I'll probably stay late
and watch The Tonight Show.

Joan Rivers
is guest host.

[AS JOAN RIVERS]
"Can we talk?"

She sounds exactly
like that! [LAUGHS]

Oh, we got
a good one with him.He's a winner.

ADULT ADAM: While my parents
couldn't read my poker face,

Lainey and Erica
celebrated their big gig

at L.A.'s finest '80s eatery,
the Cheesecake Factory.

So they don't even
call your name?

No, they page you,
just like a doctor
or, in rarer cases, a dentist.

Wow. L.A. people
are just better than us.

Yeah, the only knock
on this place is the traffic.

But trust me,
they're gonna figure it out.

Oh, God.
Look who it is.

If it's TV's Webster,
just play it cool
and do not pick him up.

He looks like
an adorable toddler,
but he's actually 31.

No, it's Geoff.

[GASPS]

Hey, this is weird.

I thought you were
going to Fort Lauderdale
or something.

Yeah, sure. I mean,
I love sun and sand,

but I'll probably
just surf here.

You know, hanging loose
and hanging ten
and all the other hangings.

You surf now?I'm sort of a big
wave chaser.

Haven't seen you
in a while, so I guess
anything's possible.

Cowabunga and whatnot.

Geoffrey!
You can't wander off
with the buzzer!

Oh, it's Erica
and the one people
talk about. Hi, girls.

Hey, look,
it's my dad!

On my surfin' safari.

What? I haven't been
in the ocean in 40 years.

You know
what's in there?

Fur seals.
Very aggressive!

Right, you just
like to support me
from the beach.

The beach?

It takes 45 minutes
to put sunscreen
on this body.

I'd rather
sit in the dark.

Dad, why don't you just
take the buzzer?

Okay, but hurry.

Your mother won't stop about
trying peach iced tea.

Who puts fruit in tea?
The nerve!

To be clear,
everything I said
about surfing is a lie.

I came here
with my parents

to go to an
optometry convention
and to escape you.

But ha ha, didn't work.
Okay, goodbye.

Geoff, wait.

It's really good
to see you.

And this crazy
amazing thing happened.

W-We're playing
the Roxy tonight!

That's the
biggest opportunity
you've ever had.

Well, since you're in town,
you should come.

I mean,
if you want.

I'm sure you have
eye business
with your dad.

So much eye business,
but, yeah, maybe.

Maybe is great!

It's happening!
The thingamajig is buzzing!

We're all here!

ADULT ADAM: As Erica
was betting Geoff
would make it to her big show,

I was already all-in
on poker night.

I'm already down $15.

But this is
the best night of my life!I know, Dave Kim!

Kudos, boys.
You pulled this off.

Also, it's weird
your brother's here.

You're just scared.

Same way your forefathers
and fore-brothers

were too terrified
of my card skills.

The bet's on you.Are, uh, threes
or nines wild?

For the last time, no.

Then lucky for you
I fold again.

Yeah, me too.I'm out.

That means I win!

Full disclosure...
I had nothing!

[CHUCKLING]
Attaboy, kid.

Thanks for
teaching me bluffing,
Pop-Pop.

And these are useful skills
you can use in real life,

like when someone wants you
to join the Army
or get married.

ADULT ADAM: Yep,
the night was going
better than expected.

Until this happened.

What in the [BLEEP]?

Mom, before you get upset,
I can explain!

Barry, explain!

Mm-hmm. Simple.

I came to keep Adam
from the seductive

and lonely life
of a professional card player.

Then why are you
dressed like Kenny Rogers
from The Gambler?

That guy
dresses like me!

[GASPS] I'm so sorry!

Blondie? You chase away
the marks?

I almost had enough to buy
that top-shelf mac and cheese.

Not the best timing, Pop-Pop.

Not only
did you lie to me,

you took advantage
of your unsound grandfather.

I'm sorry! But there were
some life lessons, too!

He taught me
the art of the bluff.

Well, you are grounded
for the rest of your life,

including adulthood, old age,

and whatever afterlife
you thought you might enjoy.

Now tell me...
Am I bluffing?

I fold.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom
brought down the poker game,

Erica and Lainey were hoping
to bring the house down.

We're actually here,
at the Roxy, on Sunset.

Can you believe
this is happening?

I know, right?

Although I kinda thought
Geoff would make it.

I mean, he's never missed
one of my shows.

Oh, yeah,
your ex-boyfriend.

That's definitely
where my mind's at, too.

ADULT ADAM: But it was true.
Geoff had always
been there for Erica.

Whoo! I'm dating
the lead singer

and I took a bus up here
at the drop of a hat

'cause I wanted
to be supportive!

You're a genius.

I love you, Erica!

Next up is a power duo
with a hot look

and a sound
I'm hoping is okay.

Welcome, Trixie
and the Firecat Quartet!

That's not our name!
It's...

Welcome...these people.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you!

I'm Lainey, and this is
my best friend, Erica.

She's moving here.

And, uh, we'll be able
to see each other
and play together

and swap clothes
like in high school.

Is that too much detail?
I haven't done patter
in a while.

Let me give it a shot.

Um, this one goes out
to my new home, Tinseltown!

Whoo!Swimming pools
and movie stars!

Black gold and Texas tea!Is that
The Beverly Hillbillies?

You were right.
This is hard.

Um, and I did tell Geoff
it was The Roxy, right?

Yes, it was very clear!

Play music!Two-three-four!

[ROCK VERSION
OF I LOVE L.A.PLAYS]

♪♪♪♪

♪♪ From the South Bay
To the Valley

♪♪ From the West Side
To the East Side

♪♪ Everybody's very happy

♪♪ 'Cause the sun is shining
All the time

♪♪ Looks like
Another perfect day

♪♪ I love LA

♪♪♪♪

♪♪ We love it

♪♪ We love it...

ADULT ADAM: Yeah,
despite crushing
an iconic L.A. song

at an iconic L.A. venue,

my sister
couldn't help but hope

that Geoff would be there
for her like always.

He made it,
he made it!

Except he didn't.

♪♪ Century Boulevard...
Are you okay?

♪♪ We love it...
He didn't come.

♪♪ Victory Boulevard...
Probably just traffic.

♪♪ We love it...
At midnight?

♪♪ Santa Monica Boulevard...
Please don't cry!

[VOICE BREAKING]
♪♪ We love it! ♪♪

I'm sorry.
I can't do this!

We love L.A.!

The feeling's
not mutual!

That's fair.

ADULT ADAM: After my mom
crashed the party,

it went from epic poker night
to epic poker nightmare.

What's Mom doing
in the kitchen?

Deciding the best way
to kill us.

Obviously,
the answer is ice bullets.

They melt fast,
leave no trace,

but she may go
her own way.

Okay, I splashed
cold water on my face

and punched
what looked to be

a water cooler jug
half-filled with pennies.

Be careful with that.
That's your inheritance.

Are you calm and ready to talk
in a reasonable way?

I am. [LAUGHS]

You're all piece-of-[BLEEP]

and you should be ashamed
of yourselves!

Whoa!Mama, no!

And?[SCOFFS] Dr. Beckwith's
Ginger Beer?

When I found out
that Adam wasn't old enough

to cross the street
by himself,

I changed it up to soda pop.

Oh, damn it,
that is refreshing
without being too sweet.

Mm.

Okay, well, what about
the cigar stench?

Yeah, I lit a stogie.

But the kids started to cough
and asked me to stop.

You know, if there's
another war, we're doomed.

Doesn't matter.
Adam, gather your things.

I'm taking you home, forever.

Hey, hold on, kid.

You don't have to
punish the kid
on my account.

Oh, all of a sudden
you're concerned
about Adam's well-being

after you get him hooked
on hot dice
and Caribbean studs?

All I know is
I liked having him around.

When he came over
to do my feet, it was nice.

Ben, are you telling me
you're lonely?

No! I got my friends
on the local news.

But...yeah.

Pop-Pop, you didn't have to
let me have my game here
just so I'd hang out with you.

Ah, you're just
saying that.I'm not.

You're not terrible
all the time.

That's the nicest thing
anyone ever said to me.

♪♪♪♪

Oh.Oh.

Damn it,
this is beautiful.

All right, all right,
that's enough mush.

♪♪ Life is so strange...

So you dragging the kid
outta here or what?

What do you say, Mom?
Can we stay a little?

[CHUCKLES]
Barry, get over here.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out
you get what you want
out of life

by being honest
with the people you love.

Of course, to do that,
you have to be honest
with yourself.

♪♪♪♪

I'm so, so sorry.

It's okay.

No, it's not.

This was
your first big gig here
and I ruined it.

I don't care
about the gig, Erica.

I care about you.

This is a really bad start
to my life in L.A.

Here's the thing...

I don't think
you should have
a life in L.A.

This was just a setback.
Today was huge for us.

It was.

But I think you have
something even bigger
to get back to.

What are you saying?

Babe, we were just
onstage at the Roxy,

but you were
somewhere else.

I just really
wanted him to come.

That's why I think
you have to go back home
and figure it out.

But what about you?
I'm your good-luck charm.

Or I was
until like 10 minutes ago.

You still are!
I was sputtering
before you got here.

Being on that stage
with you

reminded me of
why I moved here
in the first place.

Lainey Lewis,
you are a true rock star.

What would I be
without my number-one fan?

♪♪ And then you won't know...

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes in life,
you're not dealt
the cards you want,

but if you're surrounded
by family,

you'll always
come out a winner.

♪♪ Destination unknown ♪♪

♪♪♪♪

ADAM: Say hello
to the camera, Pop-Pop.

♪♪♪♪

[BELL DINGS]

♪♪♪♪

You sure
you want to bet?

I've already won
everything you own.

Your car keys,
your hockey trophy,

your mint-condition
Mike Schmidt card.

[GROANS]

And the spear gun you bought
after you saw Jaws.

That spear gun
is for home protection!

And I'm gonna win it
all back right now

starting with
this hand.

I raise you $100.

You have 90 cents.

Then I raise you 90 cents.

You're clearly bluffing.Am I?

For sure.

I call with
a queen-high flush.

Damn it!

Are my emotions
so easy to discern?

Yep, I read you like a book.

This game sucks!

Also your cards reflect
in your glasses.