Original subtitles

Good morning, Southern California.

It's 8:00, and it's going to be

another beautiful day in Palm Springs.

It's your girl Frankie J,

and thank you for listening to your favorite radio station.

Look at you.

Such a dirty girl.

A good shower before a wild ride is all you need.

You make heads turn.

I like that.

- Hi, Victor! - Hi!

In local news, Major Victor Martin

won the Sweet Ride Antique Roadster division.

Way to go, Major.

Your local news is brought to you

by your friends at the Cuckoo Café.

Stop by and check out their famous strudel

and art gallery.

Hey, Victor!

Sal, what are you doing with all those old people?

We learned how to do papier-mâché.

It's good for you.

It stretches the hips, everything.

Let's go.

Aye, aye, aye, aye.

Nice car.

Nice Chihuahua.

What? Why don't you sell it?

I can't hear you! Turn that thing down!

You're too old for that car, gringo.

Why don't you sell it to me?

How about never?

Man, a man your age

should be zipping around on one of them scooter things.

- Do you know that guy? - No.

What do they call a cholo who drives an Impala?

Small theft auto.

Yeah?

What was it like growing up riding dinosaurs?

Good one.

Yo, why do you still drive that thing anyway?

You can't even get it up anymore.

Listen to that big, bad hombre.

You want to see me get it up?

Sure. If you got what it takes.

All right, let's do this.

Yeah!

Oh, boy.

Victor, Victor, Victor.

I guess it's true what they say:

you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

That son of a bitch set me up.

All right, I want you to look me in the eyes

when I tell you this.

I'm looking. You got great eyes.

Doesn't she got beautiful eyes?

- Yeah, you got beautiful eyes. - Guys, I'm serious.

I know you like your ride, but it's got to stop.

This new DA means business.

She's cracking down big time on you seniors.

She's cracking down.

Fail to use your turn signal, you get a ticket.

Driving too slow, ticket. You know how it is.

Pick your friends, pick your nose,

Can't pick your friend's nose.

- What? - Promise me, Victor,

no more shenanigans.

No more shenanigans, I get to pick your nose.

- Yeah, yeah. - Victor...

Thanks for the heads-up, Nancy.

Like two hard-boiled eggs doing the salsa, mm.

Hello, Billy.

- Sonia, honey... - Hm?

...can I get another slice of that strudel, please?

Are you sure?

Oh, I can't get enough.

Let me see if Caroline is still baking.

- Thank you. - Mm-hm.

Billy wants more.

Ooh, sorry.

Oh, it's gorgeous.

Thanks somewhat.

It's for the auction.

Oh, I don't know how to thank you.

Mwah.

Big day, Victor.

Today you made it on the cover of Sweet Ride.

You never done that before, have you?

- No, it's the first time, man. - Yeah.

I mean, I'm so excited.

I like to make the guys jealous.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

You'll have a great time.

- I'll try to come. - Really? All right.

Look. Now, right in there.

Oh, that's a good one.

Oh! I think I'm getting aroused.

Good, she's a beautiful girl.

I'm talking about the car.

When's this going to hit the stands?

In August.

August.

That's around the corner.

Holy shit.

What is that?

Oh, that's Ted Garvin.

There's no way that that's Ted Garvin.

That's because the last time you saw him,

he was cruising around in his Caddy,

puffing a Cuban.

The picture of a happily retired man.

Jesus.

What happened?

Story I heard,

he hit a kid on a bike.

Months, maybe two months ago.

Barely grazed him, but the parents sued,

and he wound up losing his license, his car,

and most of his hair.

They took away his Caddy?

Oh, Jesus.

Look who's here. Hey, honey!

- Hey, baby! - Hi.

Oh, I'm so glad you made it!

Oh! Great!

- Yeah. - Danny, Mike.

- Sal. Guys. - Hey.

Yeah, she's the model, man.

The model.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Captain Hook's piano bar.

Put your hands together and help me welcome up

our unofficial host.

He's calling me up. I got to go.

- Okay. - Do us proud, Vic.

Do us proud.

Major Victor Martin!

Hey! Hey!

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Yeah, this is our bar. We love it here.

We welcome you to Captain Hook's bar,

because once you come in, you're hooked.

And we reel you back in!

Oh, yeah.

- You miss me? - Oh, so much.

I can't believe you got her number.

I think she has the hots for me.

Well, maybe.

Danny and Mike,

they almost had a heart attack.

Hey!

Ha, ha, ha.

- Look who it is. - Hey, sorry, old man. I couldn't resist.

Cop was just waiting there with a big old butterfly net.

I'm glad somebody got a laugh out of it.

You want to do it for real this time?

- Get out of here, old man. - Come on.

Hey, you in, dipshit?

Dipshit?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Whoa!

- Oh! - Oh!

Morons.

I don't know what happened.

Oh! Oh!

Are you okay?

I'm too old for this shit!

Mr. Martin, I'm going to ask you one more time.

Are you waiving your right to an attorney?

Absolutely, Your Honor.

This is an open-and-shut case.

I'm a pilot. I know how to drive a car.

Very well. Proceed.

The defense calls, um...

its first witness...

Mr. Salvatore Giuseppe Spinelli.

Mr. Spinelli, would you please come forward?

Your hat, sir.

- Remove your hat, please. - Oh.

Place your right hand on the Bible.

Do you solemnly swear the testimony you are about to give

will be the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

- I do. - Be seated.

Good afternoon, Mr. Spinelli.

Good afternoon, Mr. Martin.

Mr. Spinelli, would you please inform the court

how long you've known the defendant?

Well, we met at Carleton High.

Freshman-year phys ed.

In square dancing class.

There weren't enough girls,

so the teacher paired us up.

And knowing the defendant as...

Knowing the defendant as well as you do...

how would you describe his character?

What-What-What kind of man is he?

The bravest man I know.

Fought in Nam.

Tested jets for NASA.

A true American hero.

And the best damn friend I could ever have hoped for,

I'll tell you that.

Thank you, Sal.

How many times would you say you've driven

with the defendant?

Too many to count!

Way up in the thousands, at least.

Would you describe him as reckless?

No.

Confident, maybe.

But never reckless.

This community is attracting a younger crowd.

And it is our priority...

indeed our economic necessity...

to welcome them.

Drivers like Mr. Martin

are ticking time bombs on wheels.

And I, for one, don't want to wait around

for these bombs to go off and kill innocent people.

So I'm here today to plead

that the court do whenever it can

to defuse these bombs

for the public's safety, as well as that of the driver.

After careful review of the evidence and testimony,

I am compelled to rule in favor of the state.

Mr. Martin, under California Vehicle Code

at sections 13100-13376,

I am hereby revoking your driver's license

and ordering that your car be impounded

until you can clearly prove to this court

that you're fit to drive and able to obey our traffic laws.

You will have an opportunity

to retest in the next 30 days.

Where do you think they're taking her?

The impound out on Bancroft.

Looks more like a junkyard if you ask me.

Oh, that's a shame.

Name's Kendall. Rock Kendall.

I specialize in helping guys like you get their car back.

Here.

Call me.

Come on, Timmy.

What the...?

Why'd you do that?

Cheap suit. White sneakers.

Who dress like that?

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could spit.

No, no, no, I'm going to take the test next week

and pass it with flying colors.

Should we grab it?

You're kidding me, right?

No.

Victor Martin does not take the bus.

Not now, not ever.

Losers take the bus. Losers and old people.

Okay, right here.

Thirty-two, plus tip.

Plus tip?

Ah.

Whoa, what a day.

Mm, tell me about it.

You work too hard.

No, really, I think I need to hire an extra person.

Here.

- That's for... - No.

No, no, no, no. I insist.

I insist. Take it, take it.

It's yours.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Don't you dare.

Aw, you're too sweet.

We're heading back.

Oh, well, I'm staying.

I'll catch a cab back.

Don't stay out too late. You got your big test tomorrow.

Oh, come on, I... I can drive around those cones in my sleep.

- Good night, miss. - Good night.

Yeah.

- What? - Take this.

No, I don't... I...

Take it. Take it.

I totally, totally...

Wow.

- If you don't mind me asking... - I don't mind.

What's a man like you still doing chasing younger women?

You mean a man my age?

Yes.

Because they're so beautiful.

Fair enough.

Hey, I hope I don't come off like a chauvinist pig.

Pigs are very smart.

Do you want to come to a pool party with me?

This is amazing.

Hey, come on.

Victor! Victor, come on!

- Wanna get some? - Yeah.

- Yeah? - What are you doing?

- Oh, my... No. - It'll be fun. Come on.

I'm not going to take off my pants.

- Whoo! - Hey!

Whoo! Come on in!

Whoo!

Whoa.

Car handles like a goddamn tank.

Well, you drive it like a tank.

Ah!

Think I killed them?

Not sure about the kid.

But the mother?

Definitely.

Sorry.

God, the sun's in my eyes. I can hardly see.

Just pull over.

Carlos Diaz?

Congratulations, Mr. Diaz,

the only one who had a perfect score today.

Take this to Window 12 and schedule your driving test.

Mr. Martin?

Victor Martin?

Huh?

Mr. Martin?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey there, Mr. Martin.

What's up, dude?

Where's the car?

Open the door!

Open the... Oh, shit.

Sir? Are you okay?

Just getting a beer.

Hey, isn't that my...?

What? What the...?

What the hell?

Hey, wait. Hey! Hey!

- Oh! - Oh!

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - Are you all right?

It feels like I'm riding a bucking bronco here.

Yes. Oh, God.

- So sorry. - No, it's all right.

Oh, your bag tore.

Oh, dearie. You know what? I have... I have an extra bag.

Put them in here.

- I'm so sorry. - It's okay.

"Potassium sorbate, azo-carbonate..."

"...natural, artificial flavors, calcium phos..."

I am starting to salivate.

This is to die for.

Making fun of my honey buns.

No.

Oh, my God.

Ugh.

Oh, boy.

I'll be a son of a bitch.

I am hereby revoking your driver's license.

evoking your driver's license. R

Oh.

Here it is.

Kendal and Associates.

How'd you find it?

- Checked it on Google. - Google?

The DMV's top examiner's name

is Larry "Lockdown" Mipps.

Yeah, I know him.

Well, let's have a little look at his handiwork, shall we?

Now, this is the test course before Mipps.

Look at how much space there is between those cones.

This is the test course after Mipps.

See how much closer those cones are?

Wow.

Who could do that?

That is where I come in.

For just $799,

I will personally train you to beat that course.

But...

I want you to listen to me,

and I want you listen to me good,

because I'm only going to say this once.

This is not about you

getting back your license to drive, damn it.

This is about you...

getting back your license to live.

Wow.

And would you happen to know who Mr. Mipps' best friend is?

It's none other...

than Tess Woodson.

Your favorite DA.

Oh.

Get her.

Oh! Focus, Victor, focus.

And, by the way, on one leg.

One leg?

Okay.

Oh. Timmy, would you mind demonstrating the proper way

to throw a dart?

One leg.

Wow.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm just trying to gauge your reflexes.

Got it?

Got it.

Look, before I join your little program,

I need to know how you plan on finagling my retest.

Not everybody knows this,

but according to the state code,

buried deep in Article 14, Section 3,

you have a right to a medical waiver.

And that means all I have to do

is file a standard DMV form.

And before you can say,

"Where the hell are my car keys?"

you have a retest date.

Well, what happens

if I don't have a medical condition?

How old are you?

- 72. - That's a medical problem.

Oh.

All right, so, what are we waiting around for?

File the damn papers.

Timmy, if you could, could you file the form posthaste?

Now, I got to warn you, Major,

the next few weeks are going to be your toughest

since boot camp.

You think you can prepare for that?

- I can handle it. - Yeah?

- How bad you want that car back? - I can handle it.

I can handle it. I want it...

I want the goddamn car back!

Oh, see?

That's what I'm talking about.

That's the fire I need.

Dude...

Well.

Of all the cafés in all the towns in all the world.

I had to walk into yours.

- Your place? - Yes, sir.

Oh!

I must have driven past here a thousand times.

Well, it's never too late.

Let's make this official.

Caroline Summers.

- Victor Martin. - Nice to meet you.

Impressive place.

And what about the cuckoo?

Oh, he's extinct. He never comes out.

Can I get you a table by the window?

Oh, I've always been a counter man myself.

Alrighty, then. Well, belly up to the bar, then.

What do you recommend?

Our strudel was just named Pastry of the Year

by Palm Springs Magazine.

We beat out a red velvet cupcake with pomegranate frosting.

Well, that is stiff competition.

Mm-hm.

Strudel it is.

Sonia, this is Victor.

- Hi. - Victor, this is Sonia.

- What do you say, Sonia? - Nice to meet you.

Now, Victor, I know that you love your honey buns,

but I think you're going to like this just a wee bit better.

Okay.

- You ready? - Mm-hm.

All right, this is the big test now.

Oh, my God.

- Well? Did I lie? - Oh!

No!

Wow.

Wow, look at this.

"Art auction. Proceeds to help save the desert turtle."

- Tortoise. - Tortoise. Excuse me.

Tortoise.

And what about the cuckoo?

I'd have an art auction for him.

Poor little guy. Look at him.

Is there a story there?

Uh...

yeah, there is.

Maybe next time.

Right now I'm trying to figure out this app.

Can't help you there.

I'm still working on Snapshot.

What are you laughing at?

It's not Snapshot.

It's Snapchat.

Oh. See? I can't even help you with the name.

My God.

This is the best I ever had.

- Good, I'm glad you like it. - Yeah.

It's 100% organic.

Oh!

Well, I think I'm having an reaction.

I'm having an allergic reaction.

- Should I call 911? - I'm having titanium chloride withdrawal.

- Mm-hm. - Get me something from the package.

It'll be...

I'm better now.

- Yeah. Okay. - Hey.

Trust me, this is better than any driving simulator out there.

- Right. Okay. - Come on.

- All you. - All right, let's do this.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Come on.

Oh!

- Yeah. - I think we'd better try something else.

Oh!

One more time,

how does this prepare me to get my license back?

Builds toughness. Competitive drive.

- Yeah? - Agility.

Plus the fact that I just loved playing it when I was a kid.

Oh! Oh!

Come on, Sal. Come on...

Oh! Put it up.

Put it up! Put it up! Oh!

- Whoa! - Yay!

Victor, take it out.

Come on, find the pairs.

Got this. Over here is...

Come on, Victor. Concentrate.

Well, it's...

Oh!

Come on, Victor. Concentrate.

I'm trying, I'm trying.

Okay, so...

Ace of hearts is...

is...

no.

Victor.

I can't.

That's the whole point, Victor.

If you get distracted

by some pretty young thing during the test,

it is bye-bye, little silver Porsche.

- You're all cracked out! - I can't do it, man!

- I can't! - Okay, all right. Okay.

I can't do that in my face every three seconds.

- All right, let's... - Hi, how are you?

...let's call it a day, shall we?

- Oh, geez. - Nice work, girls.

Yes. Yeah.

And-And five gallons of cider, please.

No, wait, wait. Make that six. Yeah.

Whoa, hold on. What...

What are you doing?

I'm trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with it.

What's he doing?

Trying to fix the cuckoo.

Really?

Do not go there.

No, Victor, really, don't bother.

It just... It hasn't worked in forever.

It's just...

I'm sorry, yes.

Yes, that's everything.

Thanks so much. Bye.

So, you really want to hear the story of the cuckoo clock?

Yeah, I really want to hear the story of the cuckoo clock.

Unless you're tired of telling the story of the cuckoo clock.

No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, do you have to be anywhere?

My evening's wide open.

Okay, because...

the telling of the story of the cuckoo clock

needs a certain just-right accompaniment.

Some wine...

A little wine.

And a little time.

Well, you got me all intrigued.

Ah.

What?

I thought all wine was organic.

Oh, please tell me

that you've been living in a cave all these years.

Well, a nicely furnished one.

Well, here's to healthy wine.

Here's to healthy wine.

The story of the cuckoo clock...

is really the story of a spell.

A spell!

If you interrupt me, bad things happen.

Sorry.

He doesn't move, but he always is watching.

Huh.

The cuckoo clock was made in Sebastopol in 1898

by Omar Hussein al-Aman.

He was an old jeweler.

Legend has it he was 123.

123...?

Now, the clock is his masterpiece.

It's taken him 11 years to create it.

It's finally complete.

He brings it home

and he hangs it on the wall

next to a portrait of his wife, Helene.

She was his one and only true love.

And he says,

"I made this in memory of our love, my darling."

And then he goes to bed

and he closes his eyes.

And at the stroke of midnight,

he never opens them again.

And it's said that his spirit inhabits the clock.

So that, my good man,

is the story of my cuckoo clock.

And the spell?

Well, you know what? I don't...

I'm not sure, exactly.

You know, it is kind of the...

You know, if the cuckoo ever cuckoos again

and someone is...

You know, and I don't know. Nobody really knows for sure.

Good or bad?

It's...

You know.

You want the sports section, Vic?

No, I'm okay.

Hey. Hey!

That's my car.

I thought your car was in the pound.

I thought so too.

Hey! Hey!

Vic, they don't open.

Hey, that's my car!

Hey, wait a minute.

Open the doors!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, that's my car!

Hey! Ah!

Oh, shit!

Goddamn...

Hey. Hey.

Yo, gringo, you okay?

Just a second.

Hey.

Here's what I need you to do.

Oh! Go!

By the way,

mi nombre es Torres.

Mi es nombre Victor Martin.

I can't go in.

Why not?

I don't intend to go back in la pinta.

Pinta, man. Jail.

One more strike and I'm off for a while.

Hot.

Hey! You got a permit to be in here?

I saw someone driving my car just a while ago.

No one took your car, old man.

Now get out before I have you arrested for trespassing.

Get out of here.

I'll be back for you.

- Motherfucker. - Crazy old man.

- So? - Found her.

She was waiting for me.

I got to get her back.

Listen, Vic,

you give me a call anytime you need a ride, all right?

I feel bad about all this. Your car wouldn't be in here...

No, no, no, no, no.

Not your fault.

You're not the only dipshit at this party.

...an art auction tonight

at the Cuckoo Café.

All proceeds will go to save the desert tortoises.

Make sure you and all your friends show up.

We've come to fix the clock.

Ha! My name is Victor Von Martin.

former jet pilot, insane mechanical skills.

This is Salvatore Spinelli.

Salvatore, jeweler, 42 years.

Forty-three, actually.

Nice to meet you.

Victor, I really appreciate your enthusiasm, but no.

The cuckoo will cuckoo no more.

Fraulein, you insult me.

He told me about the spell.

I need to know.

- What's that? - 123-year-old guy

who fondled himself.

- That's a good tone. - Good tone.

Gain weight, lose weight.

- Yeah. - Hey, I see...

I saw. I saw.

This is so much better.

This is what Sherlock Holmes used.

- There we go. - Look at that.

It's coming together, man.

Cogs.

Lots of cogs?

Lots of cogs.

- You know what that is? - Yeah.

- A counter cog. - Yeah.

- Wow. - Hey.

- Wow. - What do you see?

Eight, seven,

six, five,

four, three,

two, one!

Come on, baby!

- Come on. - Come on!

Oh, shoot.

I'm so sorry, man.

Well, we just...

You did it! You did it!

You did it!

- I can't believe you did it! - Yes!

I can't believe you did it!

I can't believe it either.

I can't believe it either.

Are you all right?

Yes. Yes.

And the spell...

What a beautiful thing.

Him?

I guess.

I can't believe grandma was right.

I'll meet the one and only....

When the cuckoo strikes again.

Don't say it! Don't say it!

Oh, wow.

Hey, Sal.

- Yeah? - Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

How long were you married with Jenny?

Forty-two years.

And, Sal, how is it?

I mean, you know, I'd see you squabbling every now and then.

Ah. Ups and downs.

But I'd do it all over again.

- You would? - Yeah.

Give me that.

You ready to settle down?

Yeah.

Wow.

How would you like to go to an auction tonight?

Well, well, well. Look at the two of you.

A couple of Hollywood leading men.

You look ravishing.

Yeah. Gorgeous dress.

Oh, thanks, guys.

This picture, where'd you take it?

Gosh, that was my very first assignment

for National Geographic.

They sent me out in the desert to photograph the wildlife.

And just as I arrived,

this little fella showed up and smiled at me.

Oh, wow.

Anyway, let's get this auction started.

Victor...

save the tortoise.

Save the desert. Save the world.

Save the tortoise, Victor.

I might just do that.

And the current bid is $350.

350 going once. 350 going twice.

$350...

sold to that beautiful woman in the front row.

Our next item is our very own hostess's award-winning photo

of a happy desert tortoise.

So let's start the bidding at $500.

Anybody for $500? Five hundred. Five hundred.

There's a bid for 500, boom, right there.

Anybody for 600? How about $600?

- Six hundred! - Six hundred there.

Why are we stopping? Now let's go to 700.

$700 is the...

Seven hundred is the bid right there.

$700 for Caroline's beautiful photo

of a happy desert tortoise that needs our help.

One thousand.

One thousand it is right there.

The bid is at one grand. One grand, everybody.

Twelve hundred.

The bid is at 1,200.

$1,200 for that...

- Three thousand. - Three thousand dollars,

- ladies and gentlemen. - Five thousand!

Five thousand.

Five thousand dollars is the current bid.

Victor, you got that kinda dough to spend on a turtle?

Tortoise!

Five thousand going twice.

Five thousand...

Ten thousand dollars!

Ten thousand dollars is the bid.

Ten thousand dollars. Oh, my.

In the room, ten thousand going once.

Ten thousand going twice.

Ten thousand going three times.

And sold to Señor Diego Lozano!

Are you comin'?

Ah, I think I'll stick around a while.

She's a good woman, lucky you.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Hey, goodnight, Sal. Thanks for coming.

Yep.

Whoo, what a night.

We raised a lot of money.

We did.

Where does this...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Put that down. I have a much better idea.

Follow me.

Oh, no. No, thank you.

You smoke often?

Often enough.

Does wonders for my arthritis.

Where do you buy it?

I don't. I grow it.

Why do you think my strudels is so popular?

Hey, I better try some of that.

Secret to the strudel.

- Wow. Not bad. - Ahh...

You know, it's funny.

If it wasn't for the bus, we never would've met

and my clock would still be without its cuckoo.

Yeah, I mean, talk about cuckoo.

Oh, come on.

You're a pilot. You're used to getting high.

Yeah, but this grass is Mach 12.

I haven't heard it called grass since the '70s.

You don't look like a bus guy to me.

Oh.

My dear, let me show you something.

- Isn't she a beauty? - Mm.

Judge took it away from me and my license.

I miss her.

Her?

We've been together a long time.

Sorta get, uh, used to things.

I suppose you do.

But wait, wait, let me see that again.

- Oh, no. - What? What?

You're the...

You almost killed half a dozen people down there.

Down where?

Oh, come here.

Does that look familiar?

You're an idiot!

I was an idiot.

Was?

I'm not gonna do that again.

I don't want to lose her again.

- Why is she that important? - She's my youth.

On the other hand, if I hadn't lost her,

I wouldn't have found you.

That was good. I like that.

I retest for my license next week.

Then I'll be able to take you for a ride.

So, you, you ever been married?

Me? Oh, no, no.

I think I'm too revolutionary in my relationships.

As my very Bohemian father used to say,

marriage is all about property and ownership.

It's got nothing to do with love.

And what about love? Where does that fit in your revolutionary doctrine?

You're a very inquisitive man.

I've been in love, yes.

All great, exciting men.

One lasted a train ride from Paris to Istanbul.

Another one lasted as long as my assignment in Cairo.

I did a shoot there of the Pyramids.

God, that was fun.

Except I got pregnant.

- You have a child? - Mm-hmm.

So what about you, Top Gun? You ever been in love?

Oh, once. Third grade.

Laura Swanbrow.

My desk was right behind hers.

I used to lean in and blow on her ear.

How did that work for you?

She reported me to the principal.

Why did you do that, Laura?

Why did you...

Wow. I went out there.

I was on a trip.

I... I should probably call you an Uber.

A what?

It's a taxi.

Oh. Okay.

I'll need your address.

Hi.

Caroline!

Come on, get dressed. I want to show you something.

I'll wait in the car.

Where are we going?

It's a surprise.

Visit the tortoises?

Come on.

Let's go.

Wow!

- What do you think? - Oh, my gosh.

Now, I don't know much about cars,

so which one's the best?

They're all fantastic.

I know, but which one do you wanna try?

Oh, Caroline! Why are you doing this for me?

You did something for me. I do something for you.

That's fair.

I don't have my license.

Oh, no, it's okay. It's a private track, you don't need it.

Now come on, pick one.

Oh, pretty.

Get in.

Wow.

Wow.

Ah!

Well, what do you think?

How did you arrange all this?

My friend owns the track.

No. Wow.

Well, get in.

Oh, no, I don't do that sort of thing.

No, if you don't get in, I'm not driving.

Oh, no, no, no!

There's cones! There's cones!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I wanna get out.

No!

Oh!

Oh!

- You were great! - Whoo!

Oh, I don't know if I can stand on my own feet.

That was beautiful. Just like the old days.

Only better.

The fastest car I ever drove was a Beetle.

Thank you.

For the car or the kiss?

Both.

Wanna try another one?

Car or kiss?

- That one! - Oh, yes, that one!

Would you mind calling me an Uber?

There's something else I want you to show you.

And here we are.

Holy Toledo.

I have something for you.

Voilà.

Wow. I thought you said there was only one.

I had two made.

And I though you should have one.

You know, I was thinking...

I like fast cars, you like tortoises.

Oh, dear. I think you have the wrong idea about me.

Oh? How's that?

Oh, gosh, I don't know.

I haven't always been this old lady.

You're not old.

I'm not old. We're young.

Just double the age.

I'm still trying to figure out

what I'm gonna do when I grow up.

Well, then... let's not.

In fact, after today,

I like fast cars.

Oh, wow.

Oh, my God.

Jesus.

Wait, let me get my shoes off.

- Okay, okay. - Let me get my shoes off.

Ooh. Mm.

- You okay? - Yeah.

Here, sip this. Sip this.

Oh, yeah, I'm okay.

- Better? - Yeah.

If my cough lasts more than four hours, call my doctor.

Mm. Oh.

Good morning.

Mm.

- Oh. - What?

I have to get up.

- No. No, no, no. - I have to open the cafe.

- I do. I do. I do. - No, don't go.

- Wait, wait, wait. Wait. - Mm.

- Yeah, that was the pill. - I know.

- Just one more time. - Oh.

What color pills do you take?

I didn't take any.

Blue.

Mm.

Oh, my God.

Victor...

I want to ask you something.

I took the test, it was negative.

Not that bad.

It's the tortoises.

I need press. I need to raise more money.

I need publicity.

You think you can help me?

I'd be honored.

Thank you.

Let's go here.

Ah. Um...

Go away. Go away.

Ah...

Hmm...

Let's see...

Go away. Go away.

Oh!

All right, all right!

Ah...

Ah...

Right...

- Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!

Don't hurt me.

Well, well, if it isn't Victor Martin,

the man who lies in your bed while he lies to your face.

Hi, Amy.

Angie.

Uh...

I thought you left town.

No, I'm still here.

Just I got.. tied up with certain issues.

You were never gonna call me.

No. Yes, I was gonna call you.

- You're an ass. - But like I...

I got it! I got it!

Never fear, Victor is here.

Winner!

Hey, Amy.

Angie.

Angela.

I am really sorry I didn't call you.

I really... I really...

I really meant to call you.

It's just that I got tied up with some serious issues.

Gosh. Victor, are you okay?

No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine, considering.

But thank you for asking.

And... And... And... I, uh...

I promise you, I will call you

as soon as things get back to...

to normal.

Thanks.

Can I ask you a small favor?

Someone stole your car?

Yeah.

Son of a bitch.

I hope they find out whoever did it

and string 'em up by their toes.

We had some good times in that car.

We sure did.

You see that red Jeep up ahead there?

You know who Diego Lozano is?

Of course I know. He's an amazing artist.

Yeah, amazing. I think he's in that...

I think he's in that, uh, Jeep.

What're you doing?

I dropped my wallet.

Forget your wallet. He's right there.

Victor!

What the hell's wrong with you?

He's with my girlfriend! That's what the hell's wrong with me.

This address, quickly.

Hey, that's not cheap.

You again?

I don't care. Do it. Do it. Do it.

And don't forget the tip this time, huh?

Hey! That's my cart!

I'll have it back in 15 minutes, I promise!

Come back here! Asshole!

This is perfect.

No way.

Wait, my dear.

Okay, I'll wait.

Mmm.

So good.

Oh, my God!

Listen to me.

He's peeping through the windows.

Either that or he's pissing in the petunias.

I can't talk right now.

Are you with Caroline?

I'm not sure.

Whadya mean, you're not sure?

Is she there?

Yes. No. Sort of.

Victor, what's going on?

Step away from the bushes.

Victor, that you?

I can't talk to you right now.

Oh, hi, Nance.

What are you doing in the bushes?

Looking for my ball.

Idyllwild 3.

That's what you were doing? Looking for your ball?

I hooked it badly and it came in here and...

There it is.

Well, I'll be damned.

Idyllwild 3.

Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise.

Can I come in?

What's wrong?

You... hanging out with Mr. Artiste.

That's what's wrong.

Diego?

Mm.

And that's wrong how?

Goddamn it, Caroline.

You were completely naked with another man.

- That what's wrong. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Please don't tell me you were spying on us.

Of course I wasn't spying on you.

I was playing golf.

Looking for my ball.

Little did I realize that I'd find you instead...

naked with another man!

That's what's wrong.

Um, I really can't handle this right now.

I need you to leave.

Please get out of my cafe.

Okay. Victor Martin will never set foot in your kooky cafe again.

Have a nice life. Thank you very much.

The same to you.

But not too nice!

Mom?

Oh, hi. Hi, baby.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, Mom!

- Oh, sorry. Sorry. - Wow, you're a little drunk.

I...

I had one glass.

After another.

Mom. Hey.

Did he dump you?

No.

I dumped him.

I thought...

Why did he have to see that?

I-I can't stand jealous fools.

Jealous of who?

Diego.

What?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Here you go.

Put that on.

What about La Pinta?

I'll take my chances.

You got it.

- I'll get this. - No, it's okay. It's okay.

Watch yourself.

Sharp stuff here.

Wait a minute. Wait.

Wait a minute.

This is where it was.

Hey, I see it, over here.

Let's take a closer look.

Just bring her back by midnight.

Otherwise I keep the deposit.

Now that's a goddamn car.

You son of a bitch!

You're renting out my car!

Oh, shit!

You can't prove a thing, old man.

Well, maybe I can't, but that camera can.

That camera hasn't worked since I started working here.

You little shit!

This one works.

And it's streaming live to my friends, the policia.

- Victor! - Oh, shit!

All right, all right.

You're gonna be fine. Let's get you in the car.

Let's get you in the car. Let's get you in the car.

Okay.

I... I can't... I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

Hot pursuit, convertible Porsche.

Pull over to the side.

Oh, not good.

Pull over!

Pull over!

He had a heart attack! I'm taking him to the hospital!

Christ. Get behind us!

ealth emergency. Heart attack. H eed backup. N

eading for Mercy Hospital now. H

- Okay, Victor. - All right, Victor.

- Okay. You're gonna be fine. - We got you. It's all right.

Everything's okay. You're gonna be okay.

All right, here we go.

- There we go. Up. - All right.

That's it.

Caroline?

You know when you have a near-death experience and you have that moment of clarity?

Well, mine was I don't wanna end up like Ted Garvin.

That's it?

Whadya mean, that's it?

I don't know.

Seems like a near-death experience would give you more than that.

Jesus.

All right. How about...

I wanna end up with Caroline.

Wow. Well, how you gonna do that?

Well, uh, all right.

When does that arts and crafts class start at your senior living facility?

In about 45 minutes.

Take me to my room.

All right.

Okay.

What are you doin'?

Get that. Get that.

- What? - Get the...

Get the thing off!

Help me out with my pants.

Okay, what? What? What do you want?

Awkward.

- Huh? - Awkward.

Awkward. Awkward. Jesus.

Your feet are clammy.

Yuck.

What's yuck?

That's it.

What're you doin'?

I got a plan.

Uh...

Ooh.

So sorry. Um...

If I may have your attention, please.

Uh, unfortunately, Ms. Wilson, uh, couldn't make it,

so I'm going to be your interim project coordinator.

There ya go.

All right.

How many of you, uh, like tortoises?

Oh, great. That's great.

So Let me tell you what I have in mind.

Now ya got it. Now ya got it.

Oh, yeah, baby! Come on!

This is gonna be terrific.

Some more over there.

That's wonderful.

Yes. That's fantastic.

Whoa. That is wonderful.

Yeah, that's it. That's good.

Lonesome George was the last

of the Pinta Island Tortoises.

He passed away on June 24th, 2012.

Wait, wait, wait!

Please. Please.

Give us a chance.

Ten more minutes.

We're expecting a large crowd.

I promise.

Just five more minutes. Yeah?

So when we say, Save the Tortoise,

what we're also saying is, Save Us.

All of us.

You. Me.

Our kids. Our grandchildren.

Because when we allow a species this important

to a healthy environment to die out,

then we have to ask ourselves:

What's next?

Who's next?

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

That was wonderful.

Oh, I thought we'd have a bigger turnout.

Well, it's all right.

Are you getting this?

What's that?

Hi, everyone.

I live in the desert

and I don't do much most of the time.

It's too hot out here.

So I dig underground burrows

where I spend a good part of my life.

I can live up to 30 years, just like a human,

and I grow slow.

Very slowly.

After many centuries on this earth,

I am now classified as a vulnerable species.

- Oh, no! - Oh, shit!

Oh, my gosh!

Ms. Summers, for KMIR news,

just a few words about your organization...

It's Save the Tortoises, the desert tortoises.

They're an endangered species and...

What a disaster.

Yeah. Oh, well.

Let's go home, my friend.

Yeah.

I believe we lose a little bit of our soul

when we lose the natural world.

Breaking news. KMIR exclusive.

Today at the tortoise rally.

- Oh, no! - Oh, shit!

It just kept going up and up and up and up.

Forecast, plenty of sunshine through today

with seasonal temperatures, strong southwesterly winds...

Come on, baby.

What's up, dude?

Hey, dude.

Hey. Hey, dude.

Hey, little dude.

Hey, little dude.

Dude, last time I checked,

your video had over a half a million hits.

It's blowin' up!

Is that... Is that good?

Oh, yes.

It means you're a celebrity.

It's amazing.

It's popular?

Half a million hits.

I thought it was, uh...

You mean it's...

It's definitely this.

It's definitely this.

You're the dude.

Holy...

Thank you.

That's it!

It's okay. It's okay.

Make a righthand turn out of the lot.

That's it!

Okay. I'm looking both ways.

I'm looking back.

I'm clear.

I've got my turn signals on.

Away I go.

I'm turning.

I see a car in the back.

I don't see any more cars.

I'm ready and clear.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, Mr. Mipps.

I'm sorry.

Save the tortoise.

Permit holder, report to the front desk.

I'm not sure.

I don't know.

Did it look good?

Yeah.

Why isn't Mipps comin' out?

I don't know.

Oh, hold on.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Hey. Hey, Mipps, come here.

What do you say?

- Thanks. - You bet.

I got your license back.

I got your car back, the love of your life.

That's what I did. I gave you your life back.

Victor?

Vic?

Victor?

Mom?

I'm coming.

Victor.

Mom?

I believe you've met Sonia.

Sonia, remember Victor?

Nice to see you again.

You want some strudel?

Sonia, will you please get Victor a piece of strudel?

So did you come here for a reason?

I got my license back.

I'm not sure I like that.

I'd like to take you for a ride.

Would you?

So now you want me and the car.

- Victor, you don't... - Listen...

Enjoy it.

Amore.

Oh, you're leaving?

- Yes. - Oh.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Victor.

Diego.

Let me introduce you to Brian, my husband.

Hi, Victor.

Hello, Brian.

It's a pleasure.

He's gorgeous, I know.

Listen, about that painting...

almost done.

Oh, okay. Thanks.

Okay, let's go.

See you soon.

See ya.

I've been an idiot.

Again.

Yes, you have.

I owe you an apology.

Shut up, Victor Martin.

Hey.

Hi.

Lookin' good.

Good morning.

Ayayayayay!

Torres, Caroline. Caroline, Torres.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, a gentleman.

Thank you, señorita.

What's up, Vic? Wanna start her up?

Hold on.

Why don't you do the honors?

You serious?

Yeah.

You hear that?

Just like new. Ooh.

Yeah.

Why don't you take her out for a test drive?

Now you're playin' with me.

No. Why don't you try her?

See if you like her.

And if you do, if you're happy, make me an offer.

I'm sure we can come up with a payment schedule.

Whoa. Now hold on. This...

This is your car, Victor.

You know, your baby.

Why would you ever wanna sell it?

Let alone to me?

'Cause I have already found myself my baby.

Hey.

It's dipshit.

Oh, no. Don't even think about it.

Fasten your seatbelt.

- Victor! - Here we go!

Oh, gosh!

Yahoo! Yah! Yah! Yah! Whoo-hoo!