Original subtitles

Hello.

Oh, hi, Aunt Esther.

What?

What's the matter?

No, he's not, but he'll be there this afternoon.

Why don't you come... Hello?

Hey, Pop, Aunt Esther just called.

Well, I hope she called from Mars.

Hey, man, can't you ever be serious?

She sounded strange over the phone.

She is strange.

Something's got to be wrong, Pop.

She's on her way over here.

I thought I heard some hoof beats.

She and Woody are coming over here.

Look, Pop, try and be a little nice to Aunt Esther.

I mean, you know, she's got that whiplash

and that's very painful.

Say, how'd she get that, anyway?

Well, she was sitting in the back of Uncle Woody's truck

and she got hit from the rear.

Well, how could you tell?

Both ends look the same to me.

I tell you, Pop, I'm worried about her.

I never heard her talk this way,

and I couldn't tell what was wrong over the phone.

I wouldn't worry, son.

It might be just the results...

the reaction of her yearly rabies shots.

Would you stop it?

That's probably her now.

Now, Pop, try to be nice to her.

All right. Get the door.

Hello, Aunt Esther.

Hello, Lamont.

Hey, Uncle Woody.

Oh, that's all right, Lamont. I'll pour my own.

Hello, Fred.

Hello, Woody.

Hello, Fred Sanford. And how are you today?

Fine up till now.

Will you stop that?

Okay, okay.

I'm quite fine, Esther.

And may I lie and say how nice it is to see you.

How's your neck, Aunt Esther?

It's much better, thank you.

May I sit down? Certainly.

I'll push the couch out on the freeway.

Never mind him. Sit down here and make yourself comfortable.

Thank you, Lamont.

You're welcome.

You a nice nephew. I know.

And you'll make a nice cousin.

What? Tell them, Woodrow.

You tell them, Esther. It was your idea.

But you went along with it.

Well, because you insisted.

But you gave in.

Because you would have killed me.

All right, Daddy.

Daddy?

Daddy?

Daddy.

Daddy.

No, you don't mean...

I mean, you couldn't mean... You do?

Woodrow and I are gonna have a baby.

Yes.

Well, somebody better call the zoo.

Would you stop that?

That's all right, Lamont.

Just leave him alone.

Because, honey, ain't nothing he can say or do

to dampen my spirits.

I am going to be a mother.

Watch it, sucker.

Congratulations, Uncle Woody.

Thank you, Lamont.

Now this calls for a drink.

Congratulations, Aunt Esther.

Thank you, dear.

She gonna have a baby,

you better call for a veterinarian.

Pop, how can you be so cruel to Aunt Esther and Uncle Woody

on the happiest day of their life?

Because they both too old and too ugly to have a baby.

You don't know nothing about babies.

Who? Fred G. Sanford?

The "G" stands for "Goo-goo ga-ga."

And "Gynecologist."

Well, it just so happens, Mr. Fred G. Sanford,

that we're not gonna have this baby the way you had Lamont.

You're gonna have this baby on purpose?

I've asked you not to...

Please. I'm sorry, son.

I mean, I never regretted it.

Thanks loads.

You see, Fred, what Esther means is

we're going to adopt our child.

That's just what I mean.

Hey, adopting. Now, I think that's wonderful.

I do too! I'll drink to that.

You'd drink to an ingrown toenail.

To an ingrown toenail.

Listen, Esther, let me ask you a question.

Why you want this baby anyway?

We need one. You need one? Why?

Because we have a conscience, Fred.

We have a home and a business

and no one to give it to when we pass on.

Well, give it to me and pass on.

I understand perfectly, Aunt Esther.

I knew you would, Lamont.

Aren't you too old to start with a little baby?

Of course we are, Fred.

We're not gonna adopt a new baby.

We're gonna adopt a teenager.

Do you know there are hundreds of orphaned youngsters

in this state that nobody wants?

And do you know there are two adults in my living room

that nobody wants?

Pop, what's the matter with you?

Can't you see that what Uncle Woody and Aunt Esther are doing

is a wonderful thing?

Yes, it's wonderful, son.

They taking a child out the asphalt jungle

and putting him in Lion Country Safari.

Now listen, Fred.

You're really beginning to get on my nerves now.

I've sat here and listened to you insult my wife long enough.

So I'm gonna be waiting right outside...

where I don't have to hear it.

Exactly what can we do for you, Aunt Esther?

The adoption agency wants to know

if we can provide for our new child.

And I would like to know if you would be willing

to guarantee that no matter what,

there will always be food in his mouth

and a roof over his head.

You got it, Aunt Esther.

No matter what we have, it's yours.

Now, wait a minute, Lamont.

Don't be so rushed. Don't do that.

Not so fast.

What's the matter, Fred? Don't you agree with Lamont?

I don't have to agree with him.

What he does with his half of the empire

is his business.

What I do with my 90 percent is my business.

Well, I wouldn't want your 90 percent anyway!

Thank you, Lamont.

You're welcome, Aunt Esther.

So when do you get the child?

Well, we've been to the initial meetings

and now we have to go through the medical examination.

Ha ha!

And what is "Ha ha" supposed to mean?

It means that if you have to take a physical,

then you gonna have trouble adopting the baby.

Why?

Because they don't let criminals adopt babies.

Who are you calling a criminal?

I'm no criminal!

Not now.

But if you're gonna take a physical,

you'll have to take your clothes off.

And if you take your clothes off,

that's criminal.

See... Why, you beady-eyed... Wait a minute.

See, you take your clothes off,

that would be first-degree ugliness

with malice aforethought,

and attempt to cause blindness.

You old fish-eyed fool!

You old bat-faced...

Don't you call... Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

Hey, son.

Hey, look. I got these flowers for you.

Now, don't be mad with me.

Pop, I'm not mad at you for the way you treat me.

I'm mad at you for the way you treat Aunt Esther.

You give her some flowers, I won't be mad at you no more.

Well, when I give her flowers, you'll know that I'm going mad.

You see, there you go again.

What could Aunt Esther have possibly done to you

to make you hate her all these years?

In the first place, she never liked me.

In the second place, she opposed my marriage to your mother.

And in the third place,

she didn't like me after the wedding.

And in all the other places, she just too ugly.

You're impossible, you know that?

Hello?

Oh, hi, Aunt Esther.

What?

Oh, no!

What?

Oh, that's terrible.

What? I'm sorry to hear that.

What? What?

He will, Aunt Esther. He will.

Who?

Oh, come on. No, stop crying, okay?

Yeah, stop crying!

What am I... Wait a minute, Aunt Esther.

Now, don't do anything terrible.

No, don't do it, Esther! I'll do what, son?

Pop will do it. He'll do it.

Just say yes.

Yes.

Yes!

Yes!

Did you hear that?

Okay, now just relax, Aunt Esther.

We'll be right over there.

Great. Come on, let's go.

What am I gonna do? Where are we going now?

Tell me what's happening.

You're gonna have to be Aunt Esther's husband.

Did you say "Aunt Esther's husband"?

Right.

You must be out of your mind.

Why? Just why in the world...

Why on earth did you pick this day to get drunk?

I didn't pick this day, Esther.

This day just came along.

And here I am... bombed.

Oh, Woodrow, what am I gonna do?

I'm sorry, Esther.

I really am.

I just thought a little "whiksey" would calm my nerves.

Uh, no.

Whiskey!

Not "whiksey."

You see, I said "whiksey." I meant "whiskey."

See, there's a big difference between whiksey and whiskey.

You see, whi... Oh, shut up, Woodrow.

There, that explains it.

Thank you, "Ethser."

"Esther!"

"Esther!"

Shh! Shh!

What?

Somebody's calling you.

Nobody's calling me.

Yes, they are. I just heard somebody shout "Esther! Esther!"

That was me shouting "Esther! Esther!"

See. There it goes again.

I'll get it.

You'll get it?

Yeah, I'll get it.

Get what? Get the door.

We got a door!

Someone's at the door, fool.

There, you see. I told you someone was calling you.

I told you that was me.

Oh. Then that's probably you at the door.

Oh, Woodrow, you a hopeless case.

Why not tell you to go away?

Careful.

How is he?

Still drunk.

Oh, Fred! Hey, Lamont.

How much did he have to drink?

A bottle in a half hour.

How can you drink a bottle in a half hour?

You got a bottle and a half hour

and I'll show you.

He got all nervous

because the adoption lady was coming over

and he got drunk.

What's she coming over here for?

To see if we have a proper environment to bring up a child.

Well, call them up, son, and stop them.

Why?

Undoubtedly, this is not the proper environment.

Look here.

A boozer and a loser.

Fred Sanford... Ohh!

You see what you did!

Well, I... I...

What did I... Hey, Woody, maybe you can...

All right, all right, all right.

How can I help you?

Oh, do you mean it, Fred?

Oh, don't do that, Esther.

Don't touch me! Don't be doing that stuff.

I ain't had my swine flu shots yet.

Oh, Fred, I don't know how I can thank you.

I'll tell you. Just try shaving.

Pop, this is what you and Aunt Esther have to do.

No, I'll tell you... Wait a second!

Hey, Pop, you and Aunt Esther better hurry up and get in here.

We heard.

Put it down right there.

Okay, you're both ready?

Yeah, we ready.

Okay, now.

Pop, now you have to remember,

you have to act as if you're a happily married couple.

I know.

Pop, you gotta act like the man of the house.

I know.

And like you love Aunt Esther.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

You promised, Fred Sanford.

I know, I know.

There they are now.

Now, Pop, you get the door.

I'm gonna stay in the bedroom with Uncle Woody.

Now, no matter what you do,

don't let them come in the bedroom.

Right. LAMONT: Okay.

Coming!

Oh!

How do you do?

Why, how do you do?

I'm Mrs. Sherman of the adoption agency.

Oh, how nice.

I'm Mrs. Anderson.

And this is my beloved husband, Woodrow.

Woodrow, meet Mrs. Sherman.

Woodrow.

Woodrow!

What do you want, Esther?

Uh, yes, dear. Shut up, Polly!

All right.

I see you have a parrot.

Oh, yes.

We thought it would be nice

for the child to have a pet.

Oh, I agree with that.

Well, uh, thanks for that.

I'm glad that you agree with what I agreed on

that you agreed with.

And I think it'll give me a privilege

to say it later on somewhere

and give you the chance to agree with me again.

Yes, I see.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

No, thank you. Cup-a-Soup?

No.

What would you like?

Can I get anything for you?

I beg your pardon?

What would you like?

Gin on the rocks!

Polly want a punch in the beak?

Really!

You see, Mrs. Sherman,

Woodrow just loves to joke with our parrot.

Yes. Ha ha ha ha.

Oh!

May I see your bird?

Watch it, Woodrow.

You see, Mrs. Sherman,

our bird is very shy.

And I'm afraid if you look at him,

he might become frightened.

Then he wouldn't want to meet anyone new, like our child.

Well, that's awfully thoughtful of you.

You seem very anxious to have this child.

Oh, we are. We think we'd make wonderful parents.

Well, you just might.

You see, Mrs. Anderson,

we find the most important thing

is for the child to come into a loving home.

Oh, this is the most loving home!

Oh, yes, it is.

Isn't it, Poopsy-Woopsy?

I think I'm gonna woopsy all over my poopsy.

Oh, my, that is cute!

You two really are cute.

And this place seems so homey.

Will you show me around?

Why, of course.

Now, this room, by the way, is the living room.

And that room is where Poopsy and I sleep.

But if you say we can have the child,

we're gonna get a pull-out bed and put it here for us

and gonna give the child our bedroom.

That's wonderful.

You know, I just can't imagine

why you shouldn't be allowed to adopt a child.

Show me the room where the child will be sleeping.

Oh, wait a minute! The parrot is in there!

The parrot isn't more important than the child, right?

Why, no, of course, but, uh...

Good day, madam, and thank you for dropping in.

Oh, I see you've met my parrot.

Perhaps one of you would like to explain what's going on here?

Well...

Are you feeling better, Mr. Anderson?

Oh, yes, thank you. I just have a slight headache.

It'll pass shortly, dear.

You really think so, Esther?

I know so.

Because just as soon as Mrs. Sherman leaves,

I'm gonna knock your head off.

Don't be so upset with him, Mrs. Anderson.

You know, I really can understand

just how trying this was for both of you.

So what happens now?

Well, what I do is go back to my office

and write a report on this meeting.

And then decide whether or not you should adopt this child.

Well... you know, Mrs. Sherman,

Uncle Woody isn't drunk all the time.

Is he, Pop?

Oh, no, no, no. That's right.

He just does it more for medicinal purposes.

Like to cure his thirst.

Oh, Fred!

Fred nothing! As important as it is for you to have a child,

it's just as important for the child to have a good home.

And I'm not gonna lie for you and nobody else

and mess up a child's life.

You know, Pop, you sound serious.

I don't know a lot about a lot of things,

but I know the most important thing in the world

is to have good parents.

That's very true, Mr. Sanford.

I know it.

You should see the home that I prepared for my son.

A palace!

Yeah, you must come over sometime

and I'll sort through the junk and show it to you.

Listen, son, junk doesn't ruin a home,

just like expensive furniture doesn't make a home.

What makes a home is nice, sober parents.

That makes a home.

No matter how ugly the wife is.

Watch it, Fred Sanford!

Listen, Esther, I know you'd make a good mother.

And Woody would make a good father if he stopped drinking.

If I was you, Mrs. Sherman, I'd come back in a while

and see how he's doing.

Then I'd give them the best child that you got.

I mean it.

Oh, Fred Sanford, I love you.

Don't try to kiss me, Esther.

Last thing I need is a terminal hickey.

Hey, Pop, you wanna get that?

What do you think I'm doing?

Somebody left an ape out on the doorstep.

Hey, how'd it go, Aunt Esther?

Ask Woodrow.

How'd it go, Uncle Woody?

Well, Mrs. Sherman came back again today

just like she promised.

Oh, by the way, aren't you gonna offer me a drink?

Would you care for a drink?

No, thank you.

I don't drink anymore.

I'm soon to be a father, you know.

Come, Esther.

Let's hurry before the toy store closes.

Hey, wait a minute. They're gonna let you have a child?

Yes. And thank you.

Thank you both!

Come on, baby.

Hey, Pop, you're crying.

Of course I'm crying, dummy.

I think it's beautiful, man.

Uncle Woody's stopped drinking

and now he and Aunt Esther are gonna have a child.

I think it's beautiful.

Beautiful? It's tragic!

That poor man has got to look at that ugly face

for the rest of his life... sober!

Yes, yes.

My, that is interesting.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

What's interesting, Pop?

Well, I was just checking with the adoption agency, son.

And it's true.

Everyone wants to adopt a newborn baby.

But very few of them want to adopt older youngsters.

Yeah, I know.

There's a five-year wait for a newborn baby,

but for an older child it doesn't take as long,

but nobody wants to adopt an older child.

I know it.

And there are thousands of homes in this city

that could provide a beautiful, comfortable

way of life for them,

give them love and warmth and understanding,

and that's what they really need.

I'm hip.

So I want you to know

that I added our name to the list.

To adopt a child?

No, to be adopted.

Look at those lovebirds.

Uh... make that gooney birds.

Who let them out of their cage?

Join us next week when Esther, Woody, Lamont and I

meet their new son.