Original subtitles

What's happening, Pop?

Hey, son. Listen to these ads.

"Visit exciting Rome."

"Gamble at Monte Carlo."

Can't you see me now in Monte Carlo

drinking with Princess Grace and Prince Rudolph?

That's Rainier.

Yeah. Rudolph the Red-Nosed "Rainier."

Don't these ads give you the urge to travel?

Yeah, those ads sound nice, Pop,

but with all these bills,

we can forget about going to any of those places.

Oh, here's one we can afford.

"Three magnificent places in an hour.

Anaheim, Compton and El Segundo."

Hey, Pop, here's a letter from the mayor's office.

Oh, it's probably about

that committee position I applied for.

Give me that.

Here.

"Dear Mr. Sanford.

"You have been selected to fill the vacancy

"on the mayor's community relations committee.

"We will be contacting you

"as to the time and date of the meeting.

"Looking forward to meeting you.

Sincerely, Tom Bradley, mayor."

Hey, let me take a look at that, Pop.

Hey, man, they actually picked you

to represent the businessmen of Watts.

Pop, I'm proud of you.

I'm real proud of you.

Thanks, son.

Just think. Today, Committeeman Sanford.

Then Senator Sanford.

Then President Sanford.

And then an early retirement at San Clemente.

Hi, Lamont.

Hi, Fred.

That's, uh, Committeeman Fred.

What did you commit?

I'm committing you, Bubba,

to the home where the senile roam.

Hey, Bubba, Pop's been picked

to represent the businessmen of Watts

in the mayor's community relations committee.

How about that? Yeah?

Hey, congratulations, Fred!

But why did they pick you?

Because they needed someone from a minority.

Someone with strong roots in the community.

Someone who's a success

in his own chosen field.

Besides, Charo was busy.

Hey, that's great, Fred.

Yeah, I'm a big man in government now, Bubba.

Uh-huh.

And I don't want you treating me any different.

Don't do me any special favors.

Don't try to help me. Uh-huh.

Would you get that for me?

Hello?

Oh, hi.

How are you?

Who is it? Fine, thanks.

I don't know. It's for you.

It's for me? Give it here!

Give me the phone.

Hello? Oh, Mr. Wilkens.

It's Mr. Wilkens, one of the mayor's aides.

Yes, uh, that was one of my aides, Mr. Wilkens.

Yeah, you were talking to Bubba Rebeezo.

Uh-huh.

Nine o'clock?

Nine o'clock tomorrow morning's fine.

That's swell.

Well, I'll see you then. Bye.

Hope that wasn't taped.

What are you doing calling me your aide?

Bubba, do you want to be my press aide?

You really mean that, Fred?

Course I mean it.

Go press this.

No, you don't understand, Mr. Rodriguez.

If the library is kept open later,

there will be an increase...

Jeez!

I don't believe it.

A white Esther.

Excuse me, sir. Perhaps I can be of help to you.

The doormen's convention is downstairs.

Uh, perhaps I can be of help to you.

The dogcatcher's on his way up.

Well, I never.

Well, maybe if you tried wearing a mask.

Who are you?

I happen to be Committeeman Fred G. Sanford.

The "G" is for "Government."

You're on the mayor's committee?

What area are you representing?

Beverly Hills.

You see these shoes?

Gucci.

See these pants? Pucci.

See this shirt? Itchy.

Excuse me. Now, you see...

Pardon me. Sir, please!

Sir! Thank you.

Excuse me.

Are you Mr. Sanford?

Yes.

My name is Señor Rodriguez.

Well, I'm Fred G. Sanford,

and the "G" stands for "Guacamole..."

dip.

Mr. Sanford, uh,

I believe that's your chair at the end.

I'm not sitting over there. I'm sitting here.

You cannot sit there.

We have a seating plan.

Well, plan on me sitting here.

Ladies and gentlemen, the chairman of the committee,

Mr. Morris Wilkens.

Fellow committeemen.

Hello, Mrs. Barnes.

Oh!

I'm sorry I'm late.

I was at an air pollution meeting.

The smog around here is getting to be something fierce.

I... Oh.

Mr. Wilkens, this is the new member of the committee,

Mr. Fred Sanford.

How do you do, Mr. Sanford? I'm Morris Wilkens.

How do you do, Mo?

I'm here to save Los Angeles.

You see, saving junk is my specialty.

Yes, I can tell by your outfit.

Well, I think the first problem we're going to tackle today

is the one you're sitting in.

Uh, that happens to be my chair.

See, you dummies, I told you this was the chairman's chair.

I told them, but they insisted that I sit there.

Yes, I think the chair

down at the other end of the table is yours.

Oh, rude, rude, rude!

Prude, prude, prude!

All right, let's get the meeting going.

We have a lot to cover today.

Why don't you begin by covering her face?

Uh, the vote today is whether or not to keep

the public libraries open an extra hour.

Now, I... Mr. Sanford.

I'm in favor of that.

Oh, do you frequent libraries?

No, but I once had a freaky time

in the back of a bookmobile.

I didn't know that!

Well, now that we've heard from everyone else,

let me express my opinion on the library issue.

First of all, let me say

that I've always believed that a book is a man's best friend.

Hold it, hold it.

I beg to differ.

It's a dog.

It's a dog that's a man's best friend.

You don't believe me, ask one.

Mr. Sanford, you are out of order.

And so is the toilet down the hall.

I didn't know that.

Well, I did.

Well, why don't we vote on it?

I shall begin by voting yes.

Mrs. Barnes?

No.

No.

Señor Rodriguez?

Jes. Jes.

Er, yes.

Mrs. Channing?

Nay.

Uh, say that again?

Nay, nay, nay.

And you better vote the same way.

Nay!

Don't count on it, Trigger.

Well, we seem to have a tie.

How do you vote, Mr. Sanford?

You mean that I have the deciding vote?

That's right, Mr. Sanford.

Well, Fred Sanford,

representing the proud community of Watts

and the home of the Sanford and Son empire,

votes... Votes... yea!

Hey, Pop. How did it go?

Well, son, you're looking at the man

who broke the tie vote

to keep the libraries open an hour longer.

Hey, that's great, Pop.

Yeah. You know what they say.

If you can't stand the heat,

stay out of the sauna.

You know, in honor of your new position,

I got you a little present.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

What is it?

Well, it's something

that every man in government can use.

You got me Elizabeth Ray?

No, but...

would a briefcase do?

Oh, son.

Hey, what's the committee voting on next week?

Oh, we're voting on whether or not to let Sam Jordon

build some housing projects out there on 54th Street.

Oh, yeah? Well, that should be an easy vote.

That guy's the shadiest builder in the state.

Yeah, you said it.

Friend of mine lives in one of his buildings,

and his apartment was so flooded

he had to hire Jacques Cousteau to fix it.

That's what I heard, man.

All of his buildings have rotten plumbing.

Why haven't they arrested him?

Well, every time they try to nab the guy, Pop,

he finds some kind of loophole.

Oh, well, don't worry, son.

After everybody votes no,

he'll be out of business.

Well, I certainly hope so, because he's a crook.

Then we have another ugly issue to deal with.

What's that, Pop?

Mrs. Channing.

Yeah, Mrs. Channing, that bulldog

that sits next to me at the committee meeting.

Ugly woman.

Ugly woman!

Ugly woman!

How ugly is she?

She's so ugly, son,

if Moses had have seen her,

he would have parted her face too.

And so, ladies and gentlemen of the committee,

as the representative of the good people of Watts,

let me say

that the problem of living in Sam Jordon's buildings

is not the rent going up,

but the tide coming in.

Here...

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I was looking for a junk dealer named Fred Sanford.

That's me.

You are a junk dealer?

But you are so well dressed.

And just look at this showroom

just filled with wonderful items.

Do you have some more curios in the back?

No, I'm all out of curios.

How about a bowl of Special K?

That is very amusing.

By the way, my name is Sam Jordon.

I've heard a lot about you.

Oh, yeah? What, for instance?

Well, I have a friend

living in your building over on 19th Street.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

We call that one the Michelangelo.

Is that why it took you 8 years to paint his ceiling?

Now, uh, Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, I am going to get right to the point.

Now, I stand to make a great deal of money

if I can just get that building contract.

It's going to be luxury apartments, Mr. Sanford.

You mean you're gonna have lifeboats?

I am prepared to pay you $500

just to vote yes.

I sell antiques, not votes.

Very well.

Very well, Mr. Sanford.

I will pay you $700 for this antique ashtray.

Seven hundred dollars for that?

You must be kidding.

I'll make it a even thousand.

You sure know quality when you see it.

And I know a smart businessman

when I meet one, yes, sir.

Now, here's my card, Mr. Sanford.

My personal IOU for $1000.

Thank you, but do you give blue chip stamps?

With me, a handshake is good enough.

Oh, I will be, um, back to pick up the ashtray

after the vote.

Check?

Cash.

You have got it!

And remember, Sam Jordon will never hurt you.

No, but his plumbing might drown you!

Ah, I tell you, that's a good deal.

A $1000 bribe.

A $1000 bribe.

There's only one thing to do.

Joe?

Joe's Travel Agency?

Let me speak to Joe.

Hey, Joe. This is Fred G. Sanford.

The "G" is for "Going Goodbye."

Yeah. Send me a brochure on Paris.

And hold two plane tickets.

Yeah. Thanks.

Thanks. And a fairy jockey to you.

♪ Fairy jockey ♪

♪ Fairy jockey ♪

♪ Dormez-vous? ♪♪

Tune in tomorrow

for another episode of The Edge of Despair.

What's the matter with you, Pop?

You got a cold?

No, son.

I was just watching my favorite soap opera,

The Edge of Despair.

See, see, today, Paul and Harriet

had to tell Erica and David

that Louise was going out with another guy

behind Paul's back.

And Paul, he's only got six months to live.

But he don't care,

because his company's transferring him

to Philadelphia.

Pop, I'm really not interested

in that soap opera business.

Aren't you preparing yourself

for tomorrow's vote on Sam Jordon?

Yes, son, I've been thinking

that maybe he should be allowed to build those projects.

Pop, I thought your mind was made up

that you were gonna vote no.

I think you should give it some more thought.

I thought of it a thousand times.

Pop, how can you go into that committee meeting tomorrow

and say yes in favor of that fraud?

Well, it's a little trick I do with my mouth.

Yes.

I don't know about you, man.

I just closed that kitchen supply deal

and I came over here

to get some money out of the secret drawer.

I'll get it for you.

Would you move out of the way, please?

I don't have time to fool around with you.

Hey, Pop, what's Sam Jordon's card doing in the drawer?

Well, I was thinking about building

some, uh... Some projects out here in the backyard

and I wanted to get an estimate.

And I suppose this $1000 written on the back

is an estimate?

That's right. That's wrong!

Jordon was over here today, wasn't he,

and he offered you $1000 bribe, didn't he?

Well, not exactly.

He wants to buy some merchandise.

Come on, Pop, what do we have

in this junk shop that's worth $1000?

That ashtray.

I don't believe it, man. My own father.

You sold your honesty and your integrity and your dignity

for $1000, man.

You think I could have got more?

I'm so ashamed of you I feel sick.

Well, then, take five of these

and call me in the morning.

That's it. I can't talk to you.

You do what you want to do,

but just remember one thing.

Let your conscience be your guide.

Well, my conscience has got a very bad sense of direction.

But I'll think about it.

Yeah, you do that.

"Yeah, you do that."

Well, it's been a long meeting.

If there are no further points to be brought up

or no further questions, I suggest we vote

and, uh, get on out of here.

Now, I feel it's not my place

to try to influence your decision in any way,

so I shall remain completely unbiased

and let you determine for yourselves.

So do you or do you not

favor granting a building permit

to that slimy scum Sam Jordon?

I shall begin by voting

an unequivocal no, no, no, no, no, no.

Sweetheart? Uh, Mrs. Barnes?

No.

No.

Señor Rodriguez?

Señor Rodriguez!

No, no!

Good.

Mrs. Channing.

Nay.

Mr. Sanford.

Uh, listen, wait a second.

Everybody's voted no,

so that means that the vote has already been decided.

Sam Jordon can't build.

That's right, Mr. Sanford.

Well, then, it doesn't matter what my vote is.

Well, we need your vote for the record.

Well... I vote... I vote... yes.

May I say you have the morals of a jackal.

Certainly.

And may I say you have the face of a jackass.

Hey, Pop. I've been waiting for you.

How did you vote? It doesn't matter.

What do you mean it doesn't matter?

Well, by the time it came my turn to vote,

the vote had been decided.

Everybody had voted against Sam Jordon.

And so you made it unanimous.

Close.

Close?

Yeah. I made it practically unanimous.

And exactly what does that mean?

A clear-cut majority.

You voted yes.

I knew you were gonna do that, Pop.

You let everybody in the community down!

Wait a minute, son.

My vote didn't make no difference

because everyone else voted no.

So he still can't build.

But you voted yes just so you could get that $1000.

I don't believe that, man.

Yes, I do. I believe it.

Let me explain, son. See...

Let me just...

Oh, Mr. Sanford.

It is very urgent that we... If we can just have...

Is there anywhere that we can go to be alone?

Oh, you might as well stay here and talk.

I know who you are and I know what you're doing here.

Mr. Sanford, Sam Jordon never breaks a promise.

Things didn't work out, but here's the $1000.

You were the only member of the committee

to take the bribe.

Don't say bribe. Don't say bribe.

Count it over here in the light.

Three, four, five. And that's one.

Arrest that man, officer! Arrest him!

Sam Jordon, you're under arrest for bribery.

Bribery! You're under arrest for bribery!

All right, you have proven it again, Mr. Sanford.

Never trust a politician.

Uh, you better read him his rights.

Come on, Jordon, let's go.

Read him his rights now.

You got the right to remain silent.

Good work, Mr. Sanford.

You have the gratitude of the committee.

I don't know how we can ever repay you.

Well, I'll accept the key to the city

and a lock on Mrs. Channing's mouth.

Hey, Pop, you're unbelievable, man.

Yeah.

You said they've spent a long time

trying to get him behind bars,

so we finally got him.

And you helped to put him there.

He sure did. It was his idea.

Well, I was only trying to do my civic duty.

You know, Pop, I owe you an apology, man.

But why didn't you let me in on your little plan?

Well, I thought you might leak the facts.

I really thought you were gonna take that bribe.

Well, that bribe was a lot of money,

but it wasn't important enough to come between me and you.

You see, it was a choice between right or wrong.

Money isn't everything.

Did I say that?

Yes, you did, and I'm really proud of you, Pop.

And you proved something.

You proved that there's still some honest politicians left.

I second that.

Well, I must be going, Mr. Sanford.

Could I have the bribe money?

We need the $500 for evidence.

Yeah.

There you are. Thank you.

Wait a minute.

The bribe was $1000.

Who am I to call my son a liar?