Original subtitles

Why... You have to... Why are you doing it like that?

-You have to fold, fold, okay? -Yes, chef.

We have very little time left. Please.

Holy shit, you guys!

He's cooking something. It's water,

but congratulations.

There's heat involved.

It's cooking!

Fuck!

Who won the polenta challenge?

We shoot that later, okay?

But if it is up to me,

none of those people, because they're just...

They're all so awful at cooking in general.

-Please, please don't fall off my bar. -Okay, look, I'm just spitballing here.

Sock it to me. I want it.

You be my plus one.

You want me to crash your mom's wedding?

Come here, come here.

Hey.

But it's gonna be so weird.

Sit down.

Mouse, I wasn't invited, okay?

-Ex-spouses don't usually make the cut. -Copy that.

Hey, five minutes, Mr. Rake.

Okay.

Riley,

your mom loves you very much.

And I love you very, very much, not that it's a competition. But listen to me.

Nothing's gonna change after this weekend.

Okay?

Except your mom's new last name will be Geck.

That's unfortunate.

So, I think we should just give them this day,

and then next weekend, you and me?

We take on the world.

Okay?

Well, how about we start tonight?

Darnell Park just cut the ribbon on a new mini golf course.

And why do you think I gave Katie instructions

to have you there by 6:00 p.m.,

so that you can see the sun setting behind the freshly painted,

sized-to-scale windmill?

Hey, buddy.

-Come on, not this weekend, man. -Okay.

Hey, one sec.

Look, do I want to be the one that golfs with you?

Of course. I just have so much work to do this weekend,

and you deserve better

than my distracted company, okay?

Yeah, well, your company's often distracted.

I handed that one to you, okay? I gave that to you for free.

-Had a bow on it. -Next Saturday,

you, me, Darnell Park.

Okay, but I have a soccer game next Saturday.

It was a test. Congratulations, you've passed.

What I meant to say is next Sunday will be off the chain.

Never say "off the chain."

-Whatever's clever. -Don't.

I don't know what plays anymore. Babe, what plays? Tell me.

Okay, well, rad's back.

Katie, rad's back.

-Did you know that? -Rad's back!

Yeah. You are so rad.

Yeah, well, your floppy hair is rad.

Hey, please drive carefully because this is my most precious cargo,

and call me if anything goes sideways, and would you please feed yourselves?

-Thanks. Have a great weekend. -Likewise.

-We got this. -Yup.

You are my only.

I need you.

Bye!

Okay.

Barry, I have done what you've asked,

and I am skipping town for the weekend, okay?

Now please tell me what you're doing,

and, spoiler alert, it better have some fuckin' teeth.

Hey.

You got a light?

Yeah.

Keep it. Trying to quit.

We're all trying to quit.

I'll treat her like she was my own.

-Hey. -Sorry.

It's okay.

Thank you.

All right.

Okay, let's go.

It's not enough.

-No, it's good. -What?

-Wait, what kind of beer is that? -Hold this, someone.

I am with you, but also you don't want them

to think you make suits out of lady skins, right?

No way.

Peter Rake.

Yeah, yes, I am, I am Chef Peter in the flesh.

Holy shit.

Holy shit, you used to work here in high school, didn't you?

Lenny.

Lonnie.

This is...

It's all mine now.

Booyah, man, this is...

This is really great for you.

Yeah, my dad kicked the bucket a few years back.

The cancer ate him up.

Shit, I'm sorry to hear that, man.

It's okay.

He was a mean son of a bitch.

Well, you know what, same thing happened to my old man,

and he wasn't much of a prize either.

Yeah.

So now it's just me and Mother.

"Mother"?

You guys think about diversifying a little bit?

Maybe you could add a few rooms,

poke some tiny holes in the wall, call it Bait Motel?

Lonnie, what's... What's down here?

Is this where you keep the baskets and the lotion?

Sorry, that was stupid. The place looks great, it really does.

You know, you have bins, stills just filled with bait.

It's exactly the same. It's great.

Yeah, your sister used to come around pretty regular for a while.

My sister, that's right. Tell you what, I'll take a pack of Kools,

and keep the change.

-It's on me. -No, that's ridiculous.

Your money's no good here.

These...

These are perfect, and that's sweet. Thank you, sir.

Hey, I'm gonna tell Gwen that...

Wait...

Is she here?

No, no, she's not. She hardly ever makes it down here.

She never... She never makes it back. But I'm gonna tell her that...

Lonnie says...

Hey, Gwennie

Yeah, she's gonna love that.

Thanks, man.

Hey, Zan.

Hey, Jayna.

We are so Wonder Twinning right there.

Speaking of our youth...

Agnes was what, 60 years old when we were kids?

Which would put her at, right now, at least a solid hunge, right?

-A hunge and a deuce? -Yeah.

And she would still whoop your ass.

He'll be upstairs, your father's old office.

It's a bedroom now.

Thank God.

I would rather sleep outside than in our dead parents' stone-cold bed.

Hey, Agnes, please, please, please.

You don't have to carry my bag up the stairs.

Can I just... Can I get you a weekend at a Nordic spa or something?

No.

Okay.

So how's my one and only niece?

Here you go.

Oh, my God.

-Are you kidding me? -I'm not kidding you.

She is 11 going on Michelle Obama.

I follow her on Instagram, but she doesn't really do selfies.

I've racked my brain, I can't figure out where she gets the humility from.

Gwen, I don't know.

-Not me. -No, not you.

So that's it?

Really?

Just a couple recipes

and a few breaths of fresh air?

That's all that's going on here?

I mean, you have no idea how fucked up it's been

not seeing you and not hearing from you.

I'd argue I know exactly how fucked up it's been.

My number hasn't changed.

You know?

I'm the one who went through a divorce, right?

I'm the one that wasn't welcome at Dad's funeral.

Yeah, okay, point taken.

Okay.

You remember what you said to me the last time?

I was going through some shit, Gwen, okay? And then Dad cuts me out,

-but I needed you to fuckin' have... -Have your back no matter what.

Yeah.

How have you been?

How have you been, you know?

You're just still fightin' the good fight?

Okay.

Datin' anybody?

With all the free time I have?

Shit.

Guess who else is single?

-Colin Farrell? -Not even close.

Lonnie from high school.

Bunny boiler Lonnie.

Yeah.

He's running the bait shop all by himself now.

I know.

I have not thought about him in a very long time.

Well, I mean, Christ, I would be worried if you had.

But he does... He does say...

Hey, Gwennie

So you've got that going for you.

-Right? -You spoke to him?

I did, and he still has that sweet butt chin.

-Okay, stop that. -It's nice, okay.

He was just trying to be my friend, you know that.

But you played the tuba in marching band.

Gwen, hanging out with Lonnie would have been the final death nail

in your high school shit coffin.

You're welcome.

So why now?

You know, I miss you.

You're the other half of my very special brain.

Come on.

I'm right here. Just talk to me.

It's the fuckin' Internet.

You can't...

I'm an easy target.

Gwen, you know this, you know this.

We vet these people the best way we can,

but, oh, God, heads are gonna roll.

Mark my words, you mess with the bull...

You get the horns.

-Got it. -No, you don't got it.

That's why we haven't spoken for three years, Gwen.

Shit.

I gotta take this.

Okay.

Andy, what do you got?

You hungry?

Are we farmers, Agnes?

What are you going on about?

I'm talking about Black Phillip, who's prancing about the...

Okay, well...

Never mind, but...

Good to see you, boy.

Agnes.

God, you are such a bad liar.

You're gonna hate me.

"Hate" is a strong and sticky word.

I have to leave.

Yeah. The lead detective in my double homicide

just picked up the second shooter. They're saying he's willing to talk,

but only to the DA, which happens to be me.

You?

That's incredible.

That's fucking... That's incredible.

When, when?

-Five months. -Oh, my...

Yeah, I wanted to call you, but...

Shit, my sister is the DA.

You're not fucking kidding me? We have to celebrate.

-Let's celebrate. -No, we will.

We will, I promise, I promise.

Yeah, I wanted to spend the whole weekend with you.

Okay, well, there's... You know, there's endless weekends.

-Really? -If I have my way, yes.

Okay.

I will call with updates.

Please do.

-Okay, bye. -Yeah.

-Thanks. -All right.

Hey, Ags, whatever happened

to the gentle, Bob Ross-esque Alaskan landscape

that used to adorn this wall?

Your father moved it when he took up painting.

It's pretty much all he did towards the end.

That one's his.

Nice.

But also, what the actual fuck?

His pieces were all about the fragility of life.

How was his funeral?

Cold.

That's fitting.

Hey, Ags?

I don't mean any offense, but have you ever thought

about having a doctor take a look at those sweet peepers?

What for?

It's the things I can't unsee that keep me up at night.

Ags, could you get the phone, please?

Shit!

Fuck you, man.

Shit.

-Hello? -Hi, Peter.

It's Lonnie.

From Bait and Tackle.

I know who you are, Lonnie. Didn't know this number was listed, though.

Was that... Was that you that was calling earlier?

-Buddy? -Earlier?

No, that wasn't me.

You sure you weren't calling me before, Lonnie?

I just wanted to make sure you're okay.

Yeah, no, I'm okay. Thank you, man, I'm just...

It's quick in and out, you know? I'm pickin' up a few things, so...

Lonnie, you still there?

You did really good, Peter.

On TV and everything.

I'm just really happy for you.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Shit.

Yo, Pete, it's Barry. Look, dude, after doing some more recon,

I'm confident we'll be able to settle this, okay?

It's basically rinse and repeat.

There's no reason to drag this one through the mud

unless you're willing to go on record, which I certainly wouldn't advise.

You can holler back if you want me to bill you my weekend rate.

Look, dude, just try to relax.

Don't go down any rabbit holes on the Web, all right?

Ciao.

Hi, can I help you?

Hi.

Didn't I see you back at the Bait and Tackle?

Yes, yes, and I saw you. There was a moment.

It was brief, but we shared it. Hi, I'm Peter.

Kara. I'm really sorry to bother you. We're just... We're in a pickle.

Across the canyon lost power, back-up gennie pooped out.

It's putting a big damper on bachelorette weekend.

You need flashlights, candles, and Spam.

-You read my mind. -Okay, come on in.

Let's see what we've got.

Or you stay right there and I will bring the items to you.

You don't know if I'm Ted Bundy, do you?

But I have to warn you, it might take me, like, a minute

to find the items we're discussing because I have not been home

since Rusted Root was the shit.

You know what, Peter, it's cold. I'm cold, and that's on me.

So, lead the way.

Okay.

We can leave this door open.

You know, you do have his cheekbones.

Whose cheekbones?

Ted Bundy.

You are sharp.

It only takes a spark, but we need more.

-That's not a closet. -It's not.

Good to know. It's good to know. I'm flying blind here. I'm so sorry.

That's all right. This place is...

Awful, tacky? Everything that's wrong with old money?

There's just no accounting for taste.

You know what? I was gonna say "beautiful."

I mean, the views are incredible.

Okay. So, you are a musician?

I read minds.

Plus, I noticed the calluses on your fingertips,

which is a sure sign the young lady plays the six strings.

Yeah, I make the big bucks

playing coffee shops and used book stores, so...

-Eat a lot of ramen. -I can appreciate that.

Just like you can appreciate...

These

-Peter? -Yes?

I know a handful of ladies who are gonna think you're a real prince.

Ribbit.

You have my number if things deteriorate in a meaningful way.

I do, neighbor.

Or, you know, maybe I'll just run out of milk.

Good morning, you old bastard.

No rest for the weary?

I'm in my prime, asshole.

No, wait.

Peter!

Peter!

Peter!

-Hey. -Shit, I'm sorry.

I didn't see the ear buds. Everything makes sense now.

No, I'm totally not deaf. Welcome to the Shire.

-Yeah. Cool tree house. -Thank you. Thank you very much.

Man, I can't believe that thing is still standing.

Me and my sister used to basically move in there every summer.

Now, some jerk has put a weird thing on the thing,

but, hey, how did you guys make out? How did you fare?

Not great.

The electrician can't get out till Monday.

-But... -Shit.

Lemonade out of lemons. Last night ended up being really fun.

-Nice. -Yeah.

-Hi, tortoises. -It's not a goddamn race.

While you were jogging getting swamp ass,

we were sharing our hopes and dreams.

That's right, we keep it on the 100.

Marie, Elena, like a good neighbor, Peter was there.

Yeah, that was dope, man.

Thank you. Thank you very much. It's the least I could do.

And if I were to take a shot in the dark,

I would presume that you are the soon-to-be kept woman.

Have you ever googled "kept woman"?

You familiar with the Urban Dictionary?

Shit. I'm sorry, I thought that was a...

That was an okay phrase.

I did not mean to offend you and...

I'm just playing with you.

-Solid. -Saw his face?

-The blood just drained. -That was nice.

Oh, my God, I recognize you.

No, I'm not Amy Adams.

-People do think I am... -No, no, no.

You're that chef. I seen you on TV. You have that show that's, like,

a facsimile of another show with a more famous chef?

Thank you if you meant that sweetly in any way.

And I don't think you did. But still, thank you for recognizing me.

So, what are you guys gonna do?

We're gonna stay. It's like glamping.

Okay, so you're gonna make some lemonade?

Okay, well, we thrown in the towel.

Translation, if we don't get back,

Mom and Morgan will smoke all of our weed.

Thanks for the fire, Chef Boyardee.

-Check you later. -Well, mama, take it easy.

Pray for Puerto Rico.

-Okay. -See you in a few.

-Chef Boyardee. That's funny. -So, you run?

When chased, yes. And quickly.

I think you're being modest.

That headband didn't cut itself off your favorite old tee.

What? This old thing?

Hey, I have a... I have a crazy idea.

You want to freeze the lake so we can curl all weekend?

I really do want to do that.

That's a... But first, I want to cook for you and your friends.

And before you say anything, I just want to let you know

you'd be doing me a huge solid

'cause I have, I don't know,

three or four recipes I need to work out

for my new most likely bestselling cookbook.

Humble brag.

And you want us as your guinea pigs

-in your big fancy house? -Well...

What time would this theoretical multi-course feast kick off?

Well, I do find that sunset pairs just perfectly with an amuse-bouche.

Any bouche, really.

Ags, Ags, Ags

Ags got one potato

We have to take our shoes off. I don't wanna take our shoes off.

-You know what I mean? -Maybe it's one of those...

-Welcome, ladies. -Hi!

I think you'll find ample electric light.

Look at all this white privilege.

Help yourself.

-Hi. -Hi.

This is my mom, Lilith.

Hello, you, again.

-Well, you lit up my life. -Thank you.

-You've helped me quit smoking. -Okay.

You know, the family resemblance is striking, you two.

I know. Well, one night with Desmond Tutu changed my life forever.

That's fun, you're fun.

-We are fun. -We are.

-This painting. -I know. I'm sorry... Agnes?

You know, I asked her to take that down because it is so morbid.

-I like it. -Me, too.

I like it, too. If you step back, you know,

and you kind of let the folksy layers...

You rang?

-Agnes, please meet our guests. -Hi, Agnes.

She's a bit like Master Po from Kung Fu. Is that okay? Good.

Hi, Peter, I'm Morgan.

Hello.

Marie and I met backpacking across Devon.

Bonded over the last bag of trail mix,

and here I am.

Supplementing the nups with a touch of class.

-Touch. -That's nice.

I bet you've got tons of that despite your fragile stature.

Lovely home...

-Thank you. -...architecturally speaking.

Style-wise, I can't say I really care for it.

Muddled at best.

First of all, this house is stupid.

Second, are you gonna feed us or what, papi?

Because you don't want to see me hangry.

It's all you guys.

I can't.

These little things are amuse-bouches.

And I'm gonna get, like, chair covers.

They're called chair cozies.

No, no, wedding chair cozies can't look great.

-Fuckin' bean bags would be better. -Do I look like Meghan Markle to y'all?

I mean, that's why you should just have the wedding in, like, a barn of something.

-A barn? -But not, like, an actual barn.

Oh, my God, forget I said anything.

Peter, how do you feel about wedding chair cozies?

-Me? Well... -Yeah.

To be honest with you guys, I have no idea what the gentle fuck you're talkin' about.

I want to know more though. I want to know more. Keep sharing.

For those of you willing,

what you're about to enjoy

is a pan-seared monkfish.

You'll see some English peas.

-Those are fresh. -Oh, my gosh, this is beautiful.

I mean, it looks like cod.

There's a similarity,

Elena, but it's much higher end.

Y'all, eat up, eat up also, because this is super expensive at his restaurant.

The reason I broke up with him mainly was because he thought

he got to decide when and if I had babies.

But also the salt, no?

Also, he salted his bacon.

That's always gross.

-Fuck, no. -Yeah, it was grim.

But it wasn't as bad as the man I loved wanting to determine

when my body transforms and bursts forth with suckling young.

Goodness gracious, you make it sound like

the last act of Akira, Morgan. It's not that bad.

I'm sorry, Peter, have you birthed many children?

I haven't, unfortunately, but I did see it happen.

Listen, I saw it happen up close and personal,

and I feel like if I had the gadgetry, I would have delivered.

The gadgetry, you guys.

You know, it's not just the delivery, right?

It's everything that comes next and then everything after that.

You're right, I'm sorry, I forgot that you managed to avoid the pushing part,

which is so sweet for you, it's rad. But I'm also a fan of adoption, so...

No, I was just saying I don't think raising a child

should be another thing we have to prioritize, you know?

It's not a burden or a task, it's just simply what is.

Becomes as much a part of your life as breathing.

But then the parts of your life that you thought were your life,

like socializing or career-building, you know, exploring or expressing art,

those things that drove you and defined you,

all those boxes get left unchecked.

Of course, they still matter.

And you want your child to grow up

and see more than just Mom.

You want them to see a dreamer and a lover

and an entrepreneur or whatever.

You want them to see...

You.

And maybe be inspired.

Oh, my God, when is Mother's Day, May? Fuck.

I see you.

I love you.

Well, that is a cockle-warmer.

No, nothing?

Tough room. Guys, come on, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

That was a beautiful soliloquy, Lilith,

and I think that we should all drink to it.

Oh, my God, Peter.

Oh, my goshness. I've just embarrassed myself.

-Well caught. -It's okay.

I'm also very curious as to what is... What is that about?

That's intriguing.

What this is about?

Sisterhood. Celtic style, am I right, ladies?

It was about Mardi Gras 2015.

Year of the motherfuckin' goat.

-I love our tattoos. -Yeah, me, too.

Is anybody else sweating like they stole something?

The door are open, Elena. How are you hot?

-I don't know. -She always is.

Go to sleep

Underneath the covers

See anything out there you like?

Well, speaking man to matron,

I could say there's nothing out there I don't like.

How inclusive of you.

Thank you.

Truthfully, though,

I am feeling kind of invisible to all those women.

Wiser words without slurring might help.

Maybe stop spilling shit.

Your honesty is boundary-free, Ags.

And I am tipsy.

Eat something, for Christ's sake.

Well, sure.

Go easy, I'm not gonna clean up any more of your messes.

-Here. -Thank you.

Thank you, reheated.

BTDubs, I'm a big fan of you and doobage.

-I like that. -Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, when is the last time you had a solid girls' night out?

I feel like you should get out there, tell 'em some shit

about Eleanor Roosevelt, you know what I'm saying?

Maybe tell 'em the story of the first vacuum.

You're an idiot.

Underneath the covers

That's gorgeous.

Anybody need cream or milk, just let me know.

My gosh, Agnes! You've been on your feet all day.

Why don't you sit down, take a load off?

Maybe drop some knowledge.

I'm too old to be dropping anything.

I'm just enjoying the festivities,

watching some sisters commune.

There she is.

Suffrage.

My day.

No? Okay.

Truth is, you all are lucky.

Wasn't always this easy for women

to lean on each other.

There was a time when it wasn't about

choosing to be heard,

because you had no voice.

How can you use something you were never given?

Something terrible happens to a woman, and it just lives in you.

In her.

Starts on the inside, and then it becomes her skin,

and she wears it till she dies and that's that.

And that was just her tight five, ladies.

Wait, just wait until her Hulu special drops this fall.

I made chocolate things for women.

Please don't all...

-I'm good, bro. -Maybe later, Peter, thanks.

They look oddly risen.

-Yeah. -Are you all right over there, Pete?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just...

I maybe had a little too much to drink and not enough to eat.

This is the chef's curse.

Hey, I'll bid you... Excuse me. I'll bid you adieu.

Stay as long as you like, okay? Stay the night if you like.

I will be available for some light spooning during the witching hour,

as long as I can be the big spoon.

Peter, your hospitality is greatly appreciated.

Thank you and Agnes for such a delicious meal.

Just... Gravity.

There's a step there.

-Good night. -Okay. Thank you.

Cheerio.

Hey.

Well, that's good.

Hey, how much did we drink?

Okay.

Okay, I'll bite.

Well, hey, there, Glorio.

I do like your outfit, but why are you here?

Are you a boarder or are you just visiting Agnes?

I'm gonna turn that down 'cause it sucks.

Fuck, no.

Hey, Morgan, rise and shine, please.

Fuck!

I'm pretty sure that Agnes worships peacocks and the devil.

Morgan, is that you?

Peter, help me.

Morgan?

Morgan?

Goddamn. Fuck off.

Morgan, pull... Pull on your side of the door, please.

I'm pulling.

Morgan.

Open the goddamn door.

I can't, it's locked!

Peter, help. I'm scared.

Oh, shit!

Morgan, something's wrong.

Morgan, something's wrong. I...

I can't move.

Shit.

Morgan, wake up.

I think I'm paralyzed.

Oh, God, Peter.

Where am I?

Look at me. No, no, no. Look at... Do not turn around.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my...

Oh, my God!

What?

Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater,

had a wife, but couldn't keep her.

Because he'd been a very,

very bad boy.

What the fuck?

Well done, Morg.

You know, I think I can probably take it from here.

Stiff upper lip, mate.

It's been a deuce of a time.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Peter.

I just can't imagine what's running through your head right now.

You don't need to, I can tell you.

It's, "Why can't I move my fucking body?"

And, "Get this collar off me fucking now!"

Language.

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think I am?

Who am I?

Who am I?

I'd say I'm surprised you don't recognize me, Peter,

but to be fair, I was a child the last time you were around.

Still, everyone says I'm the spitting image of my sister,

and, well, I know you remember her.

-No idea who you're talking about. -Wheeler.

Kara Wheeler.

-You're Becca's sister. -Was.

So, that's what all this insanity is about.

She took the easy way out.

It's my fault?

What happened to your sister is tragic.

Truly.

It's also fucking cowardly.

Right? What about your parents? What about you?

And then the heroin,

the fucking heroin.

Kara, come on. I know you're angry.

You want some closure,

but this is not the way to get it. This...

This is how you get 10 to 20.

Did you know I was the one that found her?

She used a knife from your line of cutlery, Peter.

The very set you sell on your piece of shit TV show.

Do you think that was a coincidence?

We were teenagers, okay, Kara?

And whatever you're thinking,

fuck, I guarantee you

that's not what happened. All right?

-Shit. -Right on cue.

-All right. -Shit.

Okay.

What the hell is that?

Don't worry, it's not loaded.

Right then, now that it's loaded, I would be worried if I were you.

What the fuck?

Holy shit!

You seem tense, Peter.

Way to represent, OG.

...suckling young.

Oh, my God. Okay, okay, okay. So, you are all crazy.

You're all just crazy,

and your brains are sick,

and you're not gonna get away with this,

you angry bitches!

Well, Peter,

we're not angry bitches.

We're angry witches.

Agnes!

Agnes!

What did you do to me?

The paralysis?

It's a remedial spell, but always quite effective.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Peter.

A woman's work is never, ever done.

Agnes!

Help me!

Have some self-respect, slim.

What are you...

What are you planning?

What are you...

Shit, what is your deal, even?

Yeah? What is that...

What is that non-verbal cue?

You guys aren't helping me at all, please?

Well, we can't let you go out like this.

Out?

Don't sweat it.

We're gonna tighten you up.

You're gonna tighten me up? Tighten what up? Tighten what up?

All of it.

Come on.

Stay very still.

No, no, no!

This stops now.

Shut, shut, shut, shut

-Shut your fucking mouth -Shut your fucking mouth

No one wants to hear you bullshit

-Shut your fucking mouth -Shut your fucking mouth

-No! No! -Oh, boy.

That's good.

No.

Oh, God.

Shit.

Shit.

Snake for snake.

Hey, you don't even know me.

You don't know me, all you know is what you read in a search engine.

Thank you so much for this exclusive.

Confession, I am a big fan.

But this is just business.

Well, flattery will get you everywhere.

And my business is my pleasure.

What is this?

-Great. -Yeah.

-So, let's get started. -Okay.

When did your love affair with food start?

Come on.

Why don't you ask me what you really wanna ask me?

-I don't know what you mean. -Okay, fuck, no. You guys, come on.

You're family, for Christ's sake.

This is wrong on so many levels. What's happening?

Please, can we just stick to the interview?

Come on. This is the interview.

Look, I...

-Can we just keep it on the level? -Yeah, yeah.

I'm really not comfortable with where this is...

Okay, okay. Hey, seriously?

How long have you been chasing this exclusive?

Who the fuck do you write for? Who's reading this shit?

-Come on. -No, no, no. You assholes.

I'm your brass ring.

I'm your brass ring.

No. That's not how it happened.

That's not how it happened. This...

Can you please cut that out?

Cut... Cut that out.

Cunt!

You fucking bit me!

Unquote.

She don't wanna fuck you, Peter.

Just because she's a fan of your work doesn't mean you get to touch her.

Here...

Or here.

It's not okay.

It's never been okay.

Look at the tits.

Check the tits, bro.

How about a giant, obvious newsflash for you two certifiable loony bins?

There's two sides to every story, okay?

She chased that exclusive for weeks. She met me at a bar.

You told her to meet you there!

She brought a recorder and a fucking legal pad!

She flirted her ass off with me the whole time,

and then she had the balls to bite me.

'Cause she was a crazy bitch.

You wanna see something really fucking crazy?

-Oh, boy. -What?

-What's happening? -Well, you pissed off a witch, Peter.

-And Marie fucks with voodoo, so... -Oh, shit.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God, help me. Please.

Please, help me.

Not yet, Marie.

It's too soon.

He fucking asked for it.

I have no doubt.

You are officially on borrowed time.

Oh, boy, look at that.

Look what you did.

You pissed yourself.

Now you're gonna have to lay there in your own sauce.

I'm gonna have to smell it.

Still, you're lucky.

I wouldn't have stopped her.

All that spitfire just makes me melt.

Why do you think I asked her to marry me?

She checks all my boxes.

-It's disgusting. -I'm sorry.

Is that a bridge too far?

Shit. So, it's just all lies, huh?

God, you don't even have a kid.

Don't be ridiculous.

My daughter graduated cum laude last year.

And that was after the assault.

Luckily, that monster was still able to play in a bowl game.

Hasn't seemed to have effected his draft status one bit.

Thank God, she had the courage to come forward.

What are you thinking?

There we go.

There we go.

Hey.

Stick around for act two.

That's when we castrate you.

No peeking.

That's a nice... That's a nice color.

I'm so glad you like it.

We thought it would look good with your skin tone.

Are ready to become pretty, Peter?

Are you excited to head back to the Philippines in shackles?

This motherfucker. You know I'm Puerto Rican.

You wanna talk about shackles?

You know, when Puerto Rico was still a Spanish colony,

women's rights were unheard of,

and their contributions to the island's society

were limited, to put it mildly.

Even though Puerto Rican women

were actively participating in the revolt against the Spaniards,

and nobody can rape and pillage like the Spanish, am I right?

Relax, I'm just texturizing.

Will you pout, please?

Will you eat a dick?

-That's rude. -Believe it or not,

I'm as American as apple motherfucking pie.

My great-grandmother served our great country

in the war against Hitler and his allies.

What a patriot.

I'm sorry that the courage skipped your generation.

But I am grateful for her service. Truly.

Are you?

The way you're grateful for the service of, I don't know,

your female kitchen staff?

You ever hear of equal pay for equal work, you pasty piece of shit?

And how many of them have you slept with?

Including the one you fired.

Marta Dominguez.

Single mother of two,

and that was enough brown babies for this world

as far as you were concerned.

Yeah, we came to that decision together.

Together?

Then why settle?

That one cost you 20 grand.

Big money for one of your employees.

Isn't this beneath you, Morgan?

Didn't you people invent manners?

He means the English.

None of this shit flies across the pond.

This is strictly American awfulness at its worst.

First of all, Peter, the utter shite

that you've been doing your entire life is part of an international pandemic.

-Good word. -Yeah.

And second, do you know anything about fucking witchcraft

and its fucking origins?

Nice. Come on, I'm trying to talk to you like a human,

and you're mocking me

and you're wrapping your finger around a trigger like a bully.

You're a real wanker when you're frightened, you know that?

Yeah, I'm frightened, Morgan.

I'm scared 'cause I have been kidnapped

and accused

and convicted and sentenced by strangers.

And I have a daughter named Riley.

Yeah, but, Peter,

"Great change comes with the destruction of existing rules."

What?

"My sister's skin is my own, my sister's heart is my own,

"and my sister's future is my own."

Shit. She's in training, huh?

This is your first time, isn't it?

In your dreams.

No, not in my dreams, right now.

I know you.

I grew up with you, Morgan.

You're just like my sister.

You're desperate for acceptance.

I have a brother.

He makes cheese-and-onion sandwiches and they're the tits.

You still couldn't shine his shoes.

Who was it that destroyed your self-esteem so completely

that you are willing to pledge to the worst sorority in history?

Was it your dad?

That's enough, pendejo.

Every asshole says he's an asshole because his father was an asshole.

Don't let him get into your head.

He's just dead skin.

Morgan, come on.

Make one decision for yourself in your life.

Fuck you!

You know nothing about my life!

Welcome to the fucking game, bitch.

Shit.

Star... Six... Nine.

-Hello? -Lonnie! Lonnie, it's Peter.

I'm a hostage of witches.

I tried 911 already.

It's busy, can you believe...

You just made this a lot more painful for yourself, Peter.

Lonnie?

That's my name, don't wear it out.

God, it's so late, you freaked me out there for a second.

Right.

I don't live here.

Peter invited us ladies over for dinner.

Our power went out and he took pity on us.

Peter called me at the shop. He sounded pretty shook up.

Lonnie, Peter's fine.

He was just yanking your chain.

Like when we were kids.

But we're not kids anymore.

He was a bully, Lonnie.

I'm sorry if he ever made you feel like you were...

Dumb?

-I'm not dumb. -I know you're not.

I mean, you probably should've turned more lights on

if you really wanted me to believe that you were inside having supper.

I'll come in and take a look around.

Lonnie.

Go home, boy.

This doesn't concern you.

Mother, I got this handled.

Go on back to bed.

What'd I tell you about that thing? Come on, what'd I say?

Something's not right here.

Mama...

You love your mother?

'Course I do.

All right, then you take this and you go home.

Everything's under control.

You just forget you were ever here.

Your timing is impeccable.

Does Peter know?

Peter and Gwen were just babies themselves.

Why'd you have to keep it a secret?

Because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Oh, my God.

Peter's father?

Go back in there and finish what you started.

And no more fuck-ups.

Hey, man, what the fuck?

That was enlightening.

Give me the keys, I'll take care of it.

-I call shotgun. -None of that will be necessary.

Really? Tell that to my fucking forehead.

We should have cast a stronger spell.

We actually underestimated you.

Crate training's over.

-What a beautiful color. -Yeah.

I like the way your titties look in that top, baby.

-Look at those legs. -I know. I know.

So cute.

Come on, really?

Your sister's clothes?

I mean, isn't she rolling in her grave?

We're going on a witch hunt.

You get it? Levels.

It's really more of us hunting you as opposed to you hunting us.

It's a twist on an old classic.

-Come on, jog on. -Hey.

Go, Peter.

-Go, Peter. -Can I just shoot him in the bollocks?

-Go, Peter. Go. -No, no. Come on.

Please, please. Please stop this. She had a soul.

Ten.

You better run, boy.

-Okay, sorry. -Nine.

-Okay. -Eight.

-Go, Peter. Go. -Seven.

Shit! Shit!

Okay. Shit!

No.

Marta Dominguez.

She don't wanna fuck you, Peter.

We were teenagers, okay?

Shit.

Help! Help!

Help me! Help me! Help!

Shit!

Gwen! Gwen! Gwen! Wait!

-Thank God it's you. -Peter, what is...

Fuck.

-Go, go, go. Fucking drive, Gwen. -What...

-Fucking drive! -Okay. Okay.

Shit!

Are you gonna tell me what's going on?

-What the hell are you wearing? -Fucking bitch witches tortured me.

Fucking took me hostage.

They put a spell on my limbs, Gwen.

Goddamn, they took my hair, took my blood.

They put makeup on my face. Look at my face!

Slow down, okay?

I can't slow down, Gwen.

They're blaming me for Becca's suicide.

Yeah. You remember Kara, her sister,

well, she's the lady Manson.

She's the ring leader.

And they've been following me, and they know some deep,

deep personal shit, 'cause they're stalking me.

And we need to go, and we need to go to the cops now.

Fuck! They were gonna cut my dick off!

Fuck!

They said they could fix you, not "fix you."

What in the living shit did you just say to me?

You heard me.

You did this to me?

-Gwen? -I didn't want to, okay?

But you left me no choice,

'cause it's happening all over again and...

Yeah, you better be upset,

'cause you have scarred me for life,

and you are my goddamn sister!

Yeah, and I was your sister when you raped my best friend

in our fucking treehouse!

Rape? Did you just say rape to me?

Holy shit, Gwen,

I don't even know what that fucking word means anymore.

Nobody does, okay?

We were kids. I was a teenager.

I was drunk, I was fucking naked,

it was a blurry mess that happened a lifetime ago.

No, it's a blurry mess to you, Peter.

It's a lifetime ago to you.

-Like I said, I was drunk. -No!

No, you always have an excuse, Peter.

And you always get away with it,

and it is not just with Becca,

because there have been too many others.

What about the journalist that interviewed you a few years ago?

What did you do to her, Peter?

Or the women on your staff?

Or the new one that your lawyer is fixing for you right now?

What were the marching orders this time?

Is it, "She auditioned for a reality show,

"so she just must be a gold-digging whore," right?

Isn't that the company line?

You hurt Becca

and no one believed her story,

because you were perfect, Peter, and you called her a liar.

So, that's what she was.

And over time, it just ate her alive.

And I defended you

because you were my brother.

Not because I believed you, because I didn't.

And that's just my cross to bear.

Yeah, okay. You're...

You're right.

I'm sorry.

You have to drive right now. You have to drive right now!

-They're fucking witches. -No!

-Did they tell you they're witches? -Peter, stop it!

Listen to yourself!

What the fuck!

Okay, they did not say anything about that.

-I'm gonna call Kara and I'm... -No! No, don't!

That's Kara!

No!

No! No, let her go!

Peter, help me!

-Gwen! Gwen! No! -Peter! Peter! Peter!

Gwen!

Gwen! No!

My... My hands.

No!

No!

No!

Help!

Gwen, are you here?

Good morning, Peter.

Where's my sister?

That's sweet.

Gwen woke up in her own bed.

She'll have no memory of what happened here,

so, unless you want her, or anyone else for that matter,

to think you belong in an asylum,

I suggest you take our little adventure with you to the grave.

What did you do to me?

For Becca.

For Becca.

For Becca.

You fuck up once,

you even think of hurting anyone ever again,

we will bury you.

You'll never see it coming.

Are we clear?

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you.

We'll be watching, Peter.

Well, that was easy.

Stockholm syndrome, anyone?

He said, "Thank you."

That's clutch.

Stakes.

Charges.

Gwen!

Definitely day-drinking, right?

Jesus.

Hell of a party trick.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Keep your phone on. He'll call you.

Not right away,

-but he'll call. -Right.

You nailed that, by the way.

Oh, my God.

I was so nervous that he was gonna jump out of the car,

or push me out of the car before we got to the spot.

Then I just...

I lost my shit.

I mean, I really lost it.

You were the perfect closer.

I'm so sorry, Kara.

I think about her every single day.

Yeah. Me, too.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

These sheets smell like piss.

Final verdict on the micro-dosing, ladies?

Well, the Datura was definitely the right species.

-Yes. -Nasty little fucker.

We could have used more.

That's on me. Yeah, I'm just growing into my alchemy.

It's a delicate balance 'cause you want them to go limp

and see shit, but not die, right?

Well, I just wanna say thank you.

Obviously,

when Kara first called me, I admit I was skeptical,

but it sounds like you really reached him.

Well, he's just scared.

And thinks we put voodoo on his dick.

Maybe.

But maybe not.

Well, it makes a difference to me.

He's my whole family.

You don't know him like I do.

Well, we all have reasons for being here, right?

My wedding is in three hours, Peter.

How can you possibly justify coming here?

For one minute,

I need to see our daughter, please.

One minute.

-And that's it. -Okay.

Jesus, you look like shit.

Dad, what are you doing?

-Are you okay? -Yeah.

-Could we go for a walk? -Yeah.

Thank you.

To draining the swamp,

one bad hombre at a time.

-Yes! -Cheers.

-I think we can all drink to that. -Cheers.

A little stingy on the bubbly. I'm gonna need three of these.

One last thing.

I've taken for granted

how precious you are, and you...

And you let me get away with it every time.

But I won't... I don't want you to do that anymore.

Not for me. Not for any man.

No more lies, baby, okay?

And I'm never gonna miss a thing.

I'll be at every soccer game from here on out.

And I'm gonna be carrying one of those big plastic bags

full of orange slices like the other parents do, okay?

Oh, my God, Dad, are you dying?

No. No. No, baby.

I think maybe I should have,

but I'm still here.

Which makes me the luckiest man on the planet.

Riley, I love you so much.

I will see you tomorrow.

Not next weekend, tomorrow. Okay?

Okay.

What is this?

What, are you dying or something?

Laura, I'm so sorry. I've failed you

on every conceivable level.

It wasn't just me.

Hey, Peter.

Hi. Hello.

Do we know each other?

We do now.

Be good.