Original subtitles

Back, back, back.

How fucking far back do you go?

My mom and dad were divorced before I was two,

and from then on,

my father was almost uninvolved in my life

and my mother, much too involved.

She wanted to make up for all her mistakes through me.

One night, there was something in my pants, like, blood.

My mom said, "Oh, hell. Your period.

This is where all the trouble starts."

She was right.

(* "The Promise" by Bruce Springsteen*)

(* "The Promise" by Bruce Springsteen*)

(* "The Promise" by Bruce Springsteen*)

Now Mom and Dad really had something to fight over -

me.

Then one day, my dad disappeared.

No number, no letters.

Just gone.

I wrote to Seventeen magazine,

a long letter about us.

They wanted to publish it as an article but kept asking,

"Your dad going away - does he come back?

Does it have a happy ending?"

In reality it didn't, but I thought,

"What the hell? I'll give them what they want."

This is it. Time to go.

Mom, please don't...

No way are we gonna be late.

We have hours.

Honey, honey, you've got registration at four.

Come on, now.

Oh, Lizzie...

you wanna take your rug. Mom.

What? Come on.

This is the most important day of your life.

I thought that's when you got married. Ha!

No, honey, that's the worst day of your life.

Yeah, she is so excited. Oh, Mom, she looks beautiful.

Pity, I was aiming for psychotic.

Well, yeah.

Grandma's so excited, she's crying.

It's a journalism scholarship, Mom. Journalism, yeah.

She wants to be a writer.

The first few days, that's when everyone makes friends.

I know. It gets harder later.

Mom, I think I'm old enough.

Don't get upset.

I'm not getting upset.

Why are you saying that I'm upset?

I'm just trying to help. You know that.

You know how proud I am of you, Lizzie.

You have so much potential, honey...

Are you listening to me?

Lizzie?

Lizzie, Lizzie, what are you doing?

Come on, let's get this stuff down to the car.

I don't have to go to Harvard to become a writer.

Lizzie, what are you talking about?

At Harvard, you'll meet people.

You'll get contacts, you'll...

People to help you.

I know what I'm talking about, Lizzie.

I had my whole life ahead of me.

You don't want to go to Harvard?

Well, you just wait

until you have no choices left,

where you've got nothing, no one,

no one who cares about you.

Then you see how you feel.

Mom, I didn't say I wasn't going.

Dr. Isaacs warned me. Mom, I said I'm going.

He told me you'd isolate, stay in your room all day.

I'm not isolating, OK? I'm not gonna isolate.

I want things to be different.

Well, fine.

That's all you need, then.

That's what I've been talking about.

You'll see, Lizzie.

It'll be a whole other world up there.

Young... God, I was so young.

You be careful.

When I think of it, just a year older than you,

and I was already a housewife. Oy.

God, I was so bored, I bought a monkey

just to have someone to talk to.

But then you came along.

Oh, my God.

Lizzie, Lizzie, it's so...

Harvard.

But you're on the fifth floor.

I know.

Well, how are we gonna manage, huh?

I can do it, OK, Mom? Don't do anything.

Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hi.

May I be of assistance? Could you?

Oh, that's too kind.

My pleasure.

Ever since she was in second grade, she was always writing...

The man has "good catch" written all over his forehead.

Any minute now, she's gonna ask me to confirm it.

(mother) Lizzie.

I've always helped my mother pick up boyfriends.

The only one I never got a say in was the one that mattered -

my dad.

Wow.

Now, that's quality. That's a father.

Could you imagine your father? We'd still be in Manhattan.

I told him you've already had things published.

Mom, don't you think you should be getting the car back?

It's kinda getting late.

Yeah.

Don't forget to eat.

Bye, sweetheart. Bye, Mom.

Ever since I was a little kid,

my mom and I always hung out together.

I didn't fit in with most kids in school.

They thought I was strange,

so they made me feel like a stranger...

...and my mother took advantage of it from an early age,

throwing me into plays,

spelling bees, studying, writing,

museums, concerts and even more writing.

She convinced me this would lead to the Holy Grail -

Harvard, a place where I would finally be surrounded

by people I had something in common with.

I'm not gonna ask for much.

They don't have to be a Springsteen fan.

Nice meeting you guys.

Hi. Hi.

You're Elizabeth, right?

Yeah, I thought that I recognized you from the face book.

You know, I read that... I read that article that you wrote

about your parents' divorce.

That was brilliant. Thank you.

I'm Ruby. Hi.

We're gonna be roommates. Oh, cool.

Seriously, you don't have any idea what that article meant to me.

You were telling the full grisly truth about your parents,

exposing all their lies.

And then meeting with your father and reconciling with him -

so inspiring.

Do you smoke?

You know, I've never smoked in the daytime before.

Well, we're at Harvard now.

We can do whatever we want to.

Cool.

We'll be like these beautiful literary freaks,

being brilliant and dark and sexy.

Trouble is, I'm deadly serious.

( *"Mystery Achievement" by The Pretenders*)

Boys never used to notice me before.

I wasn't even on their list of alternatives.

Every day

Every nighttime I find

Mystery achievement

You're on my mind, on my mind

(glass smashes)

Every day

Every nighttime I feel...

Ruby gets it. She gets me.

If she were a guy, everything would be perfect.

When Lou Reed was 17 years old,

he was diagnosed as suffering from mood swings.

He was subjected to electric-shock treatment three times a week.

Each treatment hit him as a blinding white light,

and therein lies his genius -

to embrace his own psychic carnage

and create some of the greatest rock-'n'-roll the world has ever heard.

( *"Sweet Jane" by Lou Reed)

*That pretty women never really faint*

*And that villains always blink their eyes*

*And that children are the only ones who blush*

*And that life is just to die

*Oh, oh, oh

*Anyone who's ever had a heart

*Wouldn't turn around

*Wouldn't turn around and break it*

*Anyone who's ever played a part...*

I feel his cold embrace, his sly caress,

lying in my room for days on end,

everything cold, dark, silvery.

I'm scared he'll take me back to the depths of my own twisted desire,

to a place I'm too afraid to go to because maybe I will never escape.

I bet you've got thousands at home.

Cigarette packs with tiny little writing on.

Your life story?

Diary? No?

Come on, this is killing me.

It's an assignment. You're the most conscientious student at Harvard.

It's a music review.

Ah.

I'm trying to start a music column for the Crimson.

That's great.

You wanna do some X?

You've never done X?

Acid goes to your head, right?

X goes to your heart.

( *"Perfect Day" by Lou Reed*)

*Feed the animals in the zoo

*Then later a movie, too

*And then home

*Oh, such a perfect day

*Feed the animals in the zoo

*Then later, a movie, too

*And then home

*It's such a perfect day

*I'm glad I spent it with you

*Such a perfect day

*You just keep me hanging on

You just keep me hanging on...*

(running water)

Hey.

You OK?

What are you doing in here?

Oh, no.

Do you want to go back inside?

There's a guy out there.

I think he's looking for you.

*You're going to reap

*Just what you sow

*You're going to reap just what you sow*

*Oh, what a perfect day

His voice comes to me under the covers...

"Come here, baby."

He's inside of me where no one else has been,

in my dark and secret place.

I let him take me there, but then my fear returns.

I want him to stop.

How do you think it feels and when do you think it stops?

I don't want him in control. I want him to be gone.

I want him not to exist. I mean, let's face it...

"Lou Reed should be dead."

It's great.

Are you gonna sleep with me tonight?

Don't say I didn't warn you.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means don't say I didn't warn you.

Great.

I've been wanting so badly for sex to happen the right way,

with the right person, at the right time, in the right place.

It wasn't any big deal. Oh, when is it, though?

It should've been. Well, at least he's good-looking.

It was my first time. Yeah, sure.

No, I'm serious.

Are you kidding me?

It's true.

No way. I don't believe you.

I just figured I should start having sex like a normal 19-year-old.

Well, I happen to think that this calls for celebration.

We could have a party! A party?

It was meant to be subtle, but, of course...

Elizabeth, this is great.

It's such a wild idea.

Everyone got it.

Only not everyone was so pleased.

I wish I'd have thought of something like this.

Thanks.

Hey. Hey.

How can you take something that's private and turn it into something public?

It wasn't private to begin with.

All right, it was good, it was interesting.

Interesting?

I just mean it wasn't about me, you know?

It wasn't special. It was just sex.

OK. That's cool.

You don't look cool with it.

I'd been saving my virginity for someone who truly loves me,

who really knows the inside of me.

Noah wasn't it.

He told me afterwards that in terms of absolute value,

sex and drugs were equally meaningless to him,

just two different ways to have fun.

Which is all well and good...

until a girl tries out the same approach.

Lizzie?

Hey, have you guys seen Lizzie? (both) No.

Lizzie?

Lizzie?

Lizzie? You got a phone call.

Who is it? Rolling Stone.

Rolling Stone?

The college journalism award for 1985

goes to Elizabeth Wurtzel

for her Harvard Crimson piece on Lou Reed.

I want to forget everything that has happened to me before.

I want to freeze this moment...

...forever.

Thank you.

That's great. No, you're great.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I'm just thinking about all the bands coming to Cambridge

who you could cover.

It's very rare we get somebody who's going to all the gigs, writing with such clarity.

So, I'm thinking he's coming on to me,

and he's, like, an editor at Rolling Stone.

And how old is he?

Oh, my God. What?

That's my dad. Oh, cool.

Look at that.

What? What's the matter? I haven't seen him in four years.

Wait a minute. I thought you said in... I know what I said.

(young Lizzie) Dad, when are you coming back to live with us?

Well, I'm not, honey. You know that.

But Mom said that if you want to, she wants you to.

I'm sure your mom didn't say that, did she?

She did.

Honey, you know, that... that's just not gonna happen.

Which doesn't mean that I love you any the less.

Who does he think he is?

He disappears for four fucking years,

and then he thinks he can come back here

and take pictures of his perfect Ivy-League daughter?

Well, this place has nothing to do with him.

The least he could do is have the decency to understand that.

Well, maybe you should say something to him.

Like what?

I don't know.

How's your new life? How's your new fucking girlfriend?

Lizzie, he's your father. He loves you.

No, you don't know what it was like.

When I was eight, we went to see The Last Waltz.

He passed out on tranquilizers.

I had to sit through the movie three fucking times before he woke up.

What kind of a person does that?

I-I didn't realize.

That article, it was just wish fulfillment.

I was writing about how I wanted things to be,

and the way people talked about it,

the way you talked about it, it made it seem real.

Well, maybe it can be.

No. It was just a dream I held on to for way too long.

I'm happy here. I don't need him anymore.

We should go. Are you coming?

No. I promised my editor that article by next week.

( "Who Is Who" by The Adolescents)

Friends call me enemy 'cause they're a fucking joke

They'd better get their act together, it's time that they awoke

I'm cast out by my relatives 'cause they don't want me round

Just sit in a corner and I don't make a sound

Not one word

The walls are closing in on me

I don't know what to do

Jesus, Lizzie, it's 4:00 in the morning. Do you mind?

I know. I'm sorry.

Music helps me concentrate.

Springsteen's like this garage-mechanic poet.

You can feel the sweat in his voice,

the grime in his guitar.

When he sings, I see steamy streets,

lovers' groping hands,

busted fenders.

The dirt is under his nails

and the clairvoyance in his eyes.

( "The Promise" by Bruce Springsteen)

When the promise is broken

You go on livin' and steal somethin'...

Jesus, Lizzie, you haven't slept in days.

I had it perfect before.

I know I can get it back.

His words twist and grind and hammer out a story for the brain,

but his guitar and voice go straight for your heart.

Music bellows from his insides

and out comes the struggles of the world.

(whispering) Springsteen's like this garage-mechanic poet.

The music bellows from his insides...

...and out comes the struggles of the world

with the knowledge that comes with some perfect connection.

It's like he feels with the knowledge that goes back through the ages

to a single core in our brains, a beacon that can be touched.

He has the powers of both pure emotion,

emotion so intense, the body is flooded

and literally must do something.

(whispering continues)

Fuck.

She still hasn't slept.

(whispering) So we tap our feet and we cry, we dance, and the sweat rains off us...

Lizzie.

Lizzie! (whispering stops)

I don't know how to say this to you, all right,

but you are starting to smell.

This is important.

Lizzie, it's not as important as your health, all right? You gotta get some sleep.

Will you just fuck off?

I just have to finish this.

I can get you some downers, OK?

Yeah? (man) Yeah, yeah, sure.

Noah! Noah, come on, give it to me. Noah!

Lizzie, this is just scribbling.

What?! What the fuck? Asshole!

Stop it! Noah! Noah, stop that!

Jesus! She's turning into the Harvard bag lady.

What the hell do you think you're doing? (banging on door)

She needs something. What?

I don't know. Some kind of medical help. Ruby!

...all your papers. It's OK, Lizzie.

I got 'em, I got 'em, I got 'em, I got 'em. It's all right.

(whispering)

Lizzie. Lizzie.

You gotta calm down, OK?

That's not what you said when I had your dick in my mouth.

Have you had any drugs in the last 24 hours?

No.

Well, I guess I snorted some coke and smoked some pot,

but, you know, that was just to make the ecstasy last longer.

Sure you're not forgetting anything?

Maybe a few beers?

Did you ever think you might have a substance-abuse problem?

The only substance problem I have right now

is that I need you to give me some tranqs

so I can come down off this fucking coke.

And then what happens?

So, you don't like coming here, and you don't want to talk.

You don't have to talk.

You don't have to say anything you don't want to say.

But if you don't say anything, if you don't talk to me,

I can't help you.

You know, if you're gonna suggest therapy, don't.

I'm living proof it doesn't work.

So what are you doing here, then?

My friends brought me here.

It had nothing to do with you?

Are you gonna give me something, doctor?

No. Not today.

I'm falling.

I can't even finish my article.

Maybe Noah's right. It's all scribble.

I don't really have anything original to say.

Writing can't save me.

Even Harvard can't save me.

How can I escape from the demons in my head?

So, what? Did she blow you, or did you go... wh-what?

Yeah, she fuckin' blew me, all right? But I was...

You fucking shithead. How fucking could you?

How fucking... I...

Lizzie!

Lizzie, stop! (horn honks)

Lizzie!

Lizzie, I'm gonna fucking kill you.

I'm gonna fucking kill you, you bitch.

Sam told me. He told me everything.

Losing your virginity, was that just some motherfucking lie?

You don't understand, OK?

You don't understand. It was an accident.

An accident? You call that a fucking accident?

It was... It was sort of, you know...

Come on, what? An accidental blow job.

Oh, fuck you.

I could fucking kill you, Lizzie.

(fading) I swear to God, I could fucking kill you.

How could you do that?

(silence)

Hemingway has his classic moment in "The Sun Also Rises"

when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt.

All he can say is, "Gradually, then suddenly."

That's how depression hits.

You wake up one morning afraid that you're going to live.

(mother) I can't believe we're back to this.

You think I want to be like this?

I don't know. I don't know, Lizzie.

I thought everything was gonna be OK.

I was so proud of you at Harvard.

Is it because I haven't come to see you? No, Mom.

I thought all this was behind us,

then I get a phone call to come...

Mom, this has nothing to do with you.

I mean, it's nothing you've done.

Why did they move you here?

I asked for a single room.

Why?

Reasons of mental instability.

I told them I just... I can't live with other people.

You told them...

You said that?

Oh, Lizzie.

Your education.

This opportunity.

I'm sorry, Mom.

You know, I just can't cope with this.

It's just all too much.

It's all so crazy.

I am not going to do this anymore!

No, you listen to me.

I raised her!

I raised her all by myself with no help from you!

No help from me?

I'm the one that does everything, and I never get credit!

You put yourself as the one who makes all the decisions,

and they blow up in your face, do they not?

What are you talking about?! You do nothing for her!

You do nothing for her! You never even see her.

You don't take her on vacations,

you don't take her on the weekends.

What the hell do you ever do for her, Donald?

I'm her father. I put her in the clinic, and what do you do?

You're looking in Manhattan.

You son of a bitch! Goddamn, I hate you!

I hate you, I hate you, you son of a bitch!

Aah!

What is wrong with you?

Nothing.

Oh, God. You're not...

Pregnant? No, Mom. I'm not pregnant.

Anyway, it's the '80s. That would hardly be a problem.

Please, Lizzie, don't speak like that.

What, then?

I don't understand you, Lizzie.

This place is filthy. I'll help you clean it up.

Mom, no.

I don't have a simple solution, OK?

I don't know what to do, Lizzie.

I've taken a couple days off work. No, you can't.

I wanna help.

God knows I can't afford it, but...

I'm much better by myself, OK?

If I'd known you'd react like this...

Look, I have to study.

You know, I've been working really hard, and I just...

I've been having a difficult time.

I just needed a few days.

I'm so worried about you, Lizzie.

I promise I'll take care of myself.

OK?

And I'll come and see you.

(laughs) I've seen enough already.

We'll spend time together in New York.

Please? I promise.

I just have all this work I have to finish here.

Maybe for your birthday.

Hmm? Yeah.

I promise I will be home for my birthday.

We can celebrate.

We'll have a party. OK.

I'll make those pear tarts that you like.

That would be great.

( rock)

Hey.

(glass shatters)

Lizzie, I love you dearly, really, I do,

but you can only hang out in my room

if you don't drink or do drugs.

Come on, you can't be serious.

Totally.

Just say no.

But, Noah, there's no reason to be in your room sober.

I want to explain to Noah how exhausted I am,

even in my dreams,

how I wake up tired,

how I'm being drowned by some kind of black wave,

but I can't write

and he doesn't really want to know about it, anyway.

(man) There you go. Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Ruby, this is crazy. We have to talk.

You know, I'd really rather not.

I'm sorry. You know that.

And I have no excuse.

So then why? Why'd you do it?

You know, I'm just really fucked up.

I'm like a defective model,

and you don't know that

until you've been around me a while.

You know, some days I wake up

and I just feel so flat-out fucked

that I'll do anything to feel different.

Lizzie, when we're together, you're fine.

You're fun, you're... I'm faking it.

Well, everybody does that.

Not like me.

Look, we all have bad days.

This is what people say in situations

when they don't know what else to say.

Fuck.

I don't know what to suggest, either.

People care about you, Lizzie.

What I want is for someone to understand,

but they don't, really,

and that makes the platitudes harder to bear.

They do. People want to help, all right?

I want to help you, but I don't know what to do.

You know, I don't really need the company line right now, OK?

OK.

Jesus. Listen to me.

All I see is the dark side of everything.

Poor Ruby.

I kill her joy.

Look at her sad, discouraged face.

Lizzie, I don't know what to say.

How about, "Shit. Call in the professionals"?

So I guess this is the Freud part, where I don't say anything,

and then you don't say anything.

All of a sudden, it's...

(German accent) "Obviously you wish to sleep with your father."

So I'm to take it you don't wish to sleep with your father?

(normal voice) No.

And I don't want to talk about my childhood, either.

I don't know why I'm here.

Why might you be here?

I can't write.

What do you write about?

I write stories, poems, articles.

I'm here on a journalism scholarship.

I'm writing forever. I have to.

How long has it been since you stopped writing?

About a month.

Do you remember the first thing you wrote?

A poem.

A poem. About what?

My dad.

Can you remember anything that it said?

I told you, I don't want to talk about my childhood.

I just... I feel so stupid sitting in therapy.

A lot of people have much harder childhoods than mine.

But we're not talking about other people. We're talking about you.

I'll give her that much.

I'm the problem.

I worry about being in therapy.

I worry about not being in therapy.

I even worry I'm not entertaining enough for Dr. Sterling.

I just keep thinking that if I could just be normal...

You know, if I could just get out of bed in the morning, everything would be OK.

OK, well, what do you think normal is?

Most people, you know, they cut themselves,

they put a Band-Aid on, they keep going.

Mm-hmm, and what do you do? I just keep bleeding.

So you think that being normal

is having a wound, putting a patch on it

and then just go on with your life?

Isn't that what functioning is?

Isn't that what living is?

You know, you keep going, no matter what happens to you.

Is that the way you want to live?

Mom.

Aw, come on, now, honey.

Why don't you tie up your hair anymore, huh?

Your face is so pretty.

(doorbell ringing)

Here they are.

OK. Phew.

Come on, now, Lizzie.

Oh!

Honey! Oh!

Hi, Daddy.

Is she home, dear?

(mother) Come in. Yes, she's home.

I need someone to shut off my brain

and turn on my heart.

Well, I have long brown hair, dark eyes...

But, hey, you probably meet tons of girls in the men's bathroom.

(Rafe) Oh, yeah. The ecstasy goddess.

Yes. I can't believe you remember that.

(knock at door) Lizzie.

Can you hang on a sec?

Grandma and Grandpa are here.

Yes, I heard.

(softly) You know, the only reason I threw a birthday party

was to make you happy.

I don't understand how you can treat me like this.

Mom, can I have some privacy, please?

(slams)

That was my mother.

It's my birthday, and she's throwing this big party for me.

Cool.

Well, no, actually, it's not.

It's just me and my mother and my grandparents.

I haven't even been out there yet.

Aren't they missing you?

Well, now you sound like a nice Jewish boy.

Well, I might, if I was Jewish.

Well, I just wanted to call and say hi.

Well, let's meet up when you get back to school.

OK. That'd be great.

Hey, um, happy birthday.

Thank you.

Rafe didn't seem to realize

he'd just been appointed to save my life.

Rolling Stone magazine.

It's the music magazine.

That's wonderful, honey!

They want her to work for them. Yeah.

Paid work for Rolling Stone.

They'll pay her!

I think she was up writing late last night. Ah.

Were you up writing late last night, honey?

I haven't written anything in months.

She's always working on something.

She just doesn't like to talk about it.

Oh, like you've ever read any of it.

Lizzie, this isn't very nice.

You want one?

What's wrong with her?

Nothing! Ma, nothing's wrong with her.

She's drunk. 'Course I'm drunk.

She's just tired.

She's as skinny as a ghost.

She's overtired. They work so hard up there.

Lizzie. Is she on drugs?

Oh, I wish I was on drugs. Lizzie.

Did she say that she...

No, Ma. It's OK. Everything is OK.

Mom, believe me, if I was on drugs, I'd tell you.

People don't behave this way if they're not on drugs.

I fucking do.

I'm so sorry, Mama.

I dream about all the things I wish I'd said,

the opposite of what came out of my mouth.

I wish I'd said, "Mom, please forgive me.

"Please help me.

I know I have no right to behave this way."

(phone ringing)

Hello. (man) Hey.

Hi. How's my birthday girl?

You're late. You're a day late.

What can I say? You know how it is.

Anyway, you know what?

I thought I'd have to be dealing with your secretary by now,

you're such a big-shot journalist

writing for Rolling Stone.

Did you read it?

You know, I want you to remember this, honey - they're lucky to have you.

These guys, well, they're smart. They're really smart.

They know what they're doing, and they can see talent.

You know, I'm probably gonna get assignments all over the country,

so I could maybe come visit you.

Who are you talking to, Lizzie?

It's no one.

Who is it?

Mom, it's no one. Don't listen to her.

Please, Mom. (chuckles)

Look at you, the two of you.

Go on. You're so in love with him. Mom.

Can you hear that? Do you hear why I don't call?

Where was he your whole childhood?

Where? Stop it! Just stop it!

I just wanted to talk to him.

You know, Lizzie, I'm at the end of my rope.

I've been working extra hours,

I never go out, I never buy clothes.

I spend all our money on your therapy.

All our money? Daddy pays, Mom.

You think he pays?

You think he's paying?

He doesn't pay one cent.

Not one single red cent!

That's not true.

You want me to show you? Huh? You wanna see?

You want to see how much I'm paying,

still paying on your last term bill? Huh?

Here. Here. Look at these.

Look at these. There. Look at that, Lizzie.

I'm sorry, Mom. Look at that last one.

You want to see how much I'm paying this Dr. Sterling?

I'm sorry.

No, you're not going to talk your way out of this, Lizzie. Ask her who pays her!

You know, it's my fault for spoiling you the way I did.

I kill myself to get you to Harvard,

and you come back looking like a zombie.

I know. I'm sorry.

I'm so...

Why won't he? (sobbing)

Why won't he? I know. I know, honey. I know.

Oh, and I hate myself. I hate the things I do.

Lizzie, Lizzie, it's all right. It's all right.

It's awful.

It's awful. It's so awful.

And I... I hurt the people who love me.

But when he calls...

My God, a party?

And your stupid pear tart.

Why do you do this, Lizzie?

'Cause I'm not your goddamn monkey!

(sobbing) I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

I'm sorry.

(Dr. Sterling) She threw the party for herself?

I guess for Grandma.

Why would she want to do that?

To show her what a good little girl she was.

That must really hurt.

Look at her. This isn't a breakthrough, darling.

My Mom pays $100 an hour for this.

This is the same bullshit. Insight time.

It's like that stuff with that guy Rafe.

I don't have to be Freud to know I have a fear of rejection.

And I know where it comes from. I know it's from my dad.

But it doesn't change anything. I still can't go out with him.

Why not?

I just told you.

You didn't tell me anything about Rafe.

Has he ever given you any reason to believe that he would reject you?

Do not show him how crazy you are.

A monkey? Called Percy.

I know, it beats me. She said she needed someone to talk to.

Well, she had you. No, no. This was before.

Are you listening? God, yes.

I'm not boring you?

Please, Lizzie, I met you in a men's room. You're anything but boring.

What am I?

Scary.

So, are we gonna go to this gig?

I'm not sure. I don't really know where it is.

You came to see a gig, and you don't know where it is?

I said I came to see the gig.

Uh-huh.

You know.

What?

OK, now you're just being cruel.

No, no. You said...

I said I came to see the gig, but...

I came to see you.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Waiting for him to make the move.

Doesn't he know?

He's gotta be my salvation.

It's lovely that he's caring, compassionate and politically correct,

but I need him to kiss me.

Right now.

Ruby!

Ruby!

Hey.

Hey.

I didn't know you'd moved room. I thought you were still in here.

Ruby was just telling me all about those articles that you're planning to write.

That stuff's always been easy for me.

Dr. Sterling must have called him.

Why else would he be here?

Probably to see how dire the situation is,

see if his little girl can get through the day still.

Or...

maybe he really did finally miss me.

That's my girl.

Dad, you know those medical bills?

The ones for the psychiatric treatment?

Uh-huh.

They keep sending them to Mom.

So I guess you haven't paid.

I can't even believe you're asking me this. Oh, you have paid?

You're all cold and distant,

and now you're asking me what?

What are you talking about?

If you don't know...

No. No, I don't know. You made a promise.

You haven't written me. You never call me.

It's like I don't even exist.

Who do you think you're talking to?

I even come and visit you. Fuck you.

You watch that language. No.

Is that any way to talk to your father?

Listen to me. You're the one who left.

You're the one who walked away for four years.

You think I don't know that?

Is that what you think? You think I don't feel it?

Do you think that it's easy for me,

away from you?

I hated the effect it had on you -

your mother and myself.

I hated watching you get trapped right in the middle of everything,

in between the two of us.

Dad, please. You know...

Please!

You're my father and you won't even pay my medical bills,

even though it won't cost you anything.

All you have to do is sign the papers.

It's 10%. It's, like, nothing.

No.

I lost my apartment, everything, when we got divorced.

It won't cost you anything.

Sorry, Lizzie.

It's your mother's responsibility.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to slit my wrists so that I'll qualify as a trauma case...

This is killing me, too.

This is killing me. I mean, I feel so powerless.

I look back at all the mistakes that I made, I made a lot of mistakes,

and there's really nothing I can do.

What am I gonna do?

Hey, you.

Hi.

Guess who.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Just walking.

Walking with somebody.

Don't be ridiculous. I could be walking with a girl.

OK, fine. You're right, it's a boy.

He's tall.

Very tall.

Of course he's taller than me.

How tall are you?

Tall enough.

I'd say 6 feet.

Long lashes, brown eyes.

He's kinda got that sexy-intellectual-preppy thing going on.

What? Oh, cool. Yeah, I will.

I'll ask him as soon as I hang up.

All right. OK.

Bye. Bye.

Well? Who now thinks of me as a sexy intellectual?

My mom.

Oh.

She wants us to come visit over the holidays.

She just moved. I'm going, anyway.

( "Das Testament des Dr. Mabuse" by Propaganda)

Why does it hurt when my heart misses the beat?

He's devoted to the devil, fascinated by crime

Glamorous death is his destination

Eternal passion

His gain

Sell him your soul, sell him your soul, sell him your soul

Never look back

Every time I'm with him, I see myself doing these horrible things.

And I hate myself for it, but I just... I can't stop.

OK, let's say that you could. What would you do differently?

So when I saw you with her, I just... I don't know.

I mean, I know it's crazy,

but, uh...

I can't help it. I just have these feelings.

I'm sorry. I didn't...

I didn't realize.

Hey, it's gonna happen.

Beautiful women just throw themselves at me.

It's Earl Grey. Shit. Sorry.

I'll get you another. It's OK. Forget it.

No, it's no problem. I said I don't want it.

Could we get another Earl Grey over here, please?

I said I don't want it.

Would you relax, Lizzie? It's just a goddamn cup of tea, OK?

Don't yell at me. Just don't be ridiculous, OK?

You fucked her, didn't you?

What? Are you crazy?

Don't yell at me.

You know, I really don't know what the problem is.

Why don't you just keep fucking her, if that's what you want?

Just go away! Lizzie!

Hey, Lizzie, listen. Lizzie. Come on.

I'm sorry, OK?

I'm s... I'm sorry. I didn't understand how upset you are.

It's not your fault, right? It's my fault.

You're gonna leave me, aren't you?

No, I could never...

I love you.

Why?

There's nothing you feel that...

that you don't feel right down to the bottom of yourself.

You're incredible.

I understand now how people sometimes want to kill their lovers...

eat their lovers,

inhale the ashes of their dead lovers.

It's the only way to possess another person.

My mom's gonna love you.

You want juice? Sure.

Lizzie, listen.

I'm not gonna be able to make it back with you for the holidays.

There's something that came up with my mom, and I need to go home.

But it's the holidays.

I need you to be with me.

And I wish I could be.

I just... I can't be in two places at once.

OK. I'll come with you. I'll help you with your mom.

It's totally the right thing to do. My mom'll understand.

Your mom just moved apartments, Lizzie.

But I want to be with you.

But right now, your mom needs you.

It's just... It's a really complicated situation.

Lizzie, my mom,

she isn't real easy with strangers, OK?

Look, I am right in the middle of some shit here

that is not making me happy, Lizzie.

I know. I know.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just... I love you, and I wanna help.

No, you are. Lizzie, you are helping me.

Just...

Just knowing that I'm gonna see you...

We'll have all next term together, OK?

OK?

OK.

So he asked me to help him, you know, to be strong for him,

and I said OK.

But I really did, you know? I did the whole thing.

I kissed him goodbye, I made it so easy for him,

and it actually made it easier for me.

And we're both really happy.

Well, that's great.

Oh! Hi.

Wow.

Did you get everything moved in OK?

Sure. I mean, it's not too much.

You know, it's a south-facing apartment.

I get light all day long.

And it's so much easier to clean, you know?

I think you'll like your room.

Oh, yeah.

So I'll just, you know, put my things away.

I haven't made you any dinner, honey. That's OK.

I'll pay her back one day.

I swear I will.

(phone ringing)

You said that your friend... He had a family emergency.

Oh. But he was going to come?

Yes. He just...

He had to go back to Texas 'cause... I don't know.

His name's Rafe.

That's a nice name.

You'd really like him. He's good-looking and kind.

And he's Jewish. Oh!

And, you know, he works really, really hard.

Well, maybe next time.

Yeah. He wanted to meet you.

He has a very close relationship with his mother.

That's nice.

(piano plays "Deck the Halls")

I gotta make a call.

Lizzie, don't. It's, like, the tenth time today.

So?

So, so you'll drive him crazy and piss him off.

You don't know what you're talking about. And fuck you for saying that.

Hello, Mrs. Stevenson? Hi, this is Lizzie.

Lizzie. I'm a friend of Rafe's.

Is he there?

Oh, he's busy? Well, could you tell him it's urgent?

OK. Bye.

(hangs up)

Why won't he pick up the phone?

I would never do this to him.

So how is he?

I don't know. He was out.

I wonder if he lays awake at night missing me

the way I miss him.

You ever love anybody, Ruby?

I mean really love somebody?

Are you kidding? Sure.

You think you have. You have no idea.

I suppose that you do?

Real love is total.

It's like life or death.

Like you know you're gonna die when you're apart, because the need is so pure...

so complete.

All you know is sex.

Christ.

You gave me a hard time about Sam.

You never loved Sam. How could you?

Ach... Oh, was I mean?

You can't take it? The happening chick that you are.

Lizzie, I'm not crying 'cause you're mean.

I just can't imagine how incredibly painful it must be to be you.

Listen. I'm at the airport.

No. No, I mean I'm here at the Austin airport.

Oh, my God. I've become the ultimate nightmare girlfriend.

Maybe you should call your mom,

let her know you're OK.

I can't.

Lizzie...

Look, you remember I told you

you coming here wasn't such a good idea?

If you loved me enough...

All right, look.

There's something that I haven't told you about.

Oh, Christ. Don't look at me like that, Lizzie.

Just tell me. It's not what you think.

Bastard. Cheat bastard.

It's my sister. It's my sister, all right?

So you're from New York originally?

Manhattan. I grew up on the Upper West Side.

Rafe showed me copies of your articles.

That's quite an achievement for a first year.

(groaning)

Ellen. Ellen. Hey. Stop. Come on, please. Hey.

Let's eat, OK? (groans)

You promised me. You promised me you'd go to bed, OK?

Good. Come on. That's it. Come on.

Hey, come on. Come on. (Ellen screams)

Stop it. (Ellen groans)

Ellen, you go to bed, and we'll go to the park tomorrow, OK? Come on.

Come on, please. Just... Please?

Hey, do you want to go to the park tomorrow? Huh?

(whimpering)

(Ellen wails)

We might have to take her to the doctor.

If this carries on much longer,

I don't know what we're gonna do.

What is it?

You get off on this.

What?

This does it for you.

What are you talking about?

You hid her from me.

Don't you think there's a reason for that?

Don't you think that tells me something?

Oh, Christ.

You're some kind of creepy voyeur.

You like other people's misery.

You're sick.

You're really... You're really sick.

Tell me it's not true. (squealing)

(Mrs. Stevenson) Rafe, please!

I'll get the car.

(car starts)

Mom? How have you been?

How do you think I've been?

Christ, Lizzie, don't you ever think?

I'm sorry. I just...

I had to get to the airport right away. I would have told you.

We've been having some problems.

It's just been really hard, but we're patching things up.

Yeah, he loves me. I know he does.

It's just...

He's just got all this weird family stuff.

And he's trying to help them and me and...

He's got to help himself first.

And when he does, everything's gonna be OK.

I'm sure.

I know we'll be fine.

I know that.

Do you think?

I'm no real help to you there, Lizzie.

I know. I know.

Mom, I'm sorry you had to move.

I know, sweetheart.

I'm going to go now, OK?

Mom?

You call me...

Mom?

...when you've...

...seen Dr. Sterling.

Mom?

Bye, honey. Mom!

I should've listened to him.

He told me not to come here.

I'm more trouble than I'm worth.

Well, what about your reading?

No, no.

Honey, you gotta get some work done.

Lizzie, this isn't working.

I know, I know, I know.

As soon as I get back, I'll get your exam schedule for you.

No, there's no need, OK? There's no need.

Well, then, I'll call you.

No! No calls! No calls, OK?

(sobbing)

Look, this is not working, all right?

This is not my life. I don't want this anymore.

(laughing)

What do you want?

Oh, you just woke up and decided that you wanted to fuck freshman girls

and do lots of drugs?

Is that what you want?

Yeah.

Yeah...

that's exactly what I want.

I want to party. I want to have some fun.

You're the one who told me to trust somebody.

Look what happened!

You trusting Rafe has nothing to do...

No. All I want is for Rafe to come back, and you're talking about pills.

Because things are more difficult for you right now,

I think you could use some help.

You said that I was making progress.

Sometimes things are more painful before you feel...

You said that all this would amount to something,

all this fucking pain!

And I am still saying that.

I can't believe you're pushing drugs after all of this.

I'm recommending that you try this medication

so that you can gain some perspective and not spin out of control.

Lizzie, isn't that what you want?

(Dr. Sterling) It takes two to six weeks before your system responds.

I know you don't feel it,

but I can see it working already.

(phone ringing)

Your mother's been calling. She wants to come and see you.

(man) The engine's beginning throttling down now at 94%.

Normal throttle for most of the flight - 104%.

The three engines are running normally.

Three good fuel cells. Three good APUs.

Velocity 2,257 feet per second...

Hey! Hey! What the hell are you doing? Nothing.

Trying to steal my purse.

(mission control) Challenger, go at throttle up.

(pilot) Roger, go at throttle up.

(reporter) The space shuttle Challenger exploded in a ball of fire

shortly after it left the launching pad today.

(reporter 2) ...which the fragments

from the STS-51-L

(reporter) Officials are saying that there is no evidence

to indicate that any of the seven astronauts...

(reporter 3) President Reagan is promising to continue...

(Reagan) ...honored us with the manner in which they lived their lives.

(reporter 4) Some material from the scattered craft is reported to be...

(reporter 3) ...the worst accident in the history...

(Reagan) ...which Lincoln called "the last best hope of man on Earth,"

was built on heroism and noble sacrifice.

Ruby?

Ruby?

Jesus! Lizzie, hold on, hold on, all right?

Ruby, come on. This is serious.

What?

My mother's been mugged. I have to go to New York. You've gotta come with me.

No.

Ruby, come on. I am asking for your help.

Lizzie, I'm done helping.

You're done?

How can you...? I can't.

I've had it. All right? I can't do it anymore.

This has got to end. Next week, it's just gonna be some other crisis.

One for the road.

She refused the intravenous Demerol.

She refuses painkilling drugs?

Can we possibly be related?

Looks like she's gonna be here for a few days, but she'll be just fine.

She'll need some help when she gets back home, but everything will be OK.

It's scary.

For the first time, I'm being deprived of my tears.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I mean, let's face it, me being here to help is like a cruel joke.

Not even heights freak me out anymore.

You look a lot better.

That's what everybody says.

You know, Lizzie... (clears throat)

I'm fine.

And there's no reason why you can't go back up to Cambridge.

Mom, I've spoken with the nurses, and they say that you need...

Honey, you've got exams coming up.

You have to have somebody with you, even if it's just for a few days.

I can take care of myself. I always have.

You're not going home alone.

It's the other cupboard, Ma.

Oh, I don't know.

Grandma, I'll get it.

I don't know what I would have done without Lizzie here.

None of this would have happened...

Shh, Ma, don't say that.

...if it hadn't been for her.

They're gone.

Yeah.

I didn't really feel like saying goodbye.

After all this time, I never asked you about Rafe.

Well, that's over.

He... He never wants to see me again.

You know, when Donald left me...

...it seemed so incredible.

I just couldn't believe it.

I think I just forgot about you, Lizzie.

You know?

You were just a child.

So little.

But you needed me.

And that forced me to pay attention again.

You know what I mean?

I had to take care of you.

And in a way, you brought me back to life,

and you became everything for me.

I was so wrapped up in you.

But, God, you were so full of promise, Lizzie,

and I wanted so much for you in your life.

And I couldn't see that it wasn't good for you.

You just...

You know, you wanted me to be everything,

and I can't be.

I can't be.

Look, Lizzie.

You don't have to be anything for me.

You don't have to be well for me.

You understand?

You don't have to pretend.

I'm gonna be OK, Mom.

I'll be OK.

I promise.

I'll be OK.

And there's a reason.

I call this the crackhouse where I come to score.

Dr. Sterling is my dealer.

Seems like everyone's doctor is dealing this stuff now.

Sometimes it feels like we're all living in a Prozac nation -

the United States of Depression.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I have this personality,

and it's fucked up, but it's me.

And I see myself becoming this person who does the right thing,

who says the right thing, but that's not me.

You feel different, don't you? Of course I feel different.

I'm on medication. That's the whole point, isn't it?

Yeah, that was the point.

You're not comfortable with who this new person is yet.

But I can't be this person without taking pills.

The pills are giving you breathing space.

This feels like everything's just being covered up.

I recommend that you stay on the medication, but it's not my choice.

It's your choice.

Do you want to get off the pills?

Oh, sweetheart, come here. Come here. It's OK.

It's OK.

(sobbing)

If only my life could be more like the movies.

I want an angel to swoop down to me

like he does to Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life

and talk me out of suicide.

I've always waited for that one moment of truth

to set me free and change my life forever,

but he won't come.

It doesn't happen that way.

All the drugs, all the therapy,

fights, anger, guilt, Rafe, suicidal thoughts,

all of that was part of some slow recovery process.

The same way I went down, I came back up -

gradually and then suddenly.

The pills weren't a cure-all, God knows,

but they gave me breathing space

which allowed me to start writing again,

only this time, it wasn't as if my life depended on it.

*Love

*Is a thousand churches burning*

*Love

*Is a frozen heart left yearning*

*For blood

*'Cause nothing comes for free*

*If I survive another fall

*You can take what's left of me*

*Love

*Is a handsome scar left hurting*

*And love

*Is a broken engine turning

*And turning

*Searching for a spark

*If you can find me in the dark*

*You can take what's left of me*

*We are holy whores

*We're walking wounded over distant shores*

*Only love will comfort me

*Only love can comfort me

*'Cause love is heat

*Love is cold

*Love is peace

*Love is war

*So if you find me on the floor*

*You can keep what's left of me

*You can keep what's left of*

*You can keep what's left of*

*You can keep what's left of me*