Original subtitles

- Ethan, I really wanted to thank you

for taking this time to connect with me again.

I know that you've been so busy with work,

and I know things have been picking up for you.

The fact that you were able to take this time to really,

- Yeah, me too.

I'm glad we could connect again and stuff.

better for me too, you know?

I will leave your check here, and I will

take care of that for you whenever you're ready.

Thank you so much.

- Yeah, she was great.

#NAME?

Yeah, okay.

Oh, boy.

- Work's been really well.

- Oh gosh, though.

Would you mind, baby, just this time covering it?

I'm grateful for any time we have.

We can go Dutch.

I really don't need you to pay for my half.

- I'm going to need you to go a hundo-Dutch

this time, like, just solo-Dutch.

But you did order the tiramisu, so really,

that's on you anyway, you know?

Do you take Mobile Pay?

- We do not, no, I'm sorry.

- Sorry, that was a dumb question.

I'm so sorry.

You have credit cards, baby.

Hey.

Don't embarrass us again like that, okay?

Wow.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm going to try not to keep you here too much longer.

I do want to get this meeting wrapped up.

- Yeah, I'll be-

- Oh, we have a stupid meeting right now.

Yeah, no, it's all right, just Ted.

Okay.

Oh my god, no way.

- Hey, Ted, seriously?

- Yeah, we all have lives, too.

- Yeah, no, sorry.

- Awesome, all right, see you later, bye.

The last thing that I needed to go over,

based on the comment cards from the customers this month.

- It's heavy.

- Oh, sorry.

I need to announce that Stacy is our Employee of the Month.

- Oh, again?

Just kidding, it happens every month.

- I'll just kind of mention as we're wrapping up here,

I am considering implementing an employee dress code.

- Why, Ted?

No.

This might be in the works.

I'm just talking about professional dress.

That's all talking about.

No.

- No, why would we meet later?

No, we're all here right now.

- I will make an announcement-

- So, it has to do with me?

- No, I'm not singling anybody out,

is what I'm trying to-

- This is my body shaming boss,

who thinks that my god-given body is disgusting.

- I'm talking about anybody's body.

I'm just trying to uphold a certain

professional standard for everyone.

- Ted, you let Stacy dress the way Stacy wants to dress.

I look forward to that every day.

- Thank you, Roy.

- Okay, I'm just going to wrap up this meeting right now.

I just need one more thing for Autumn.

I just need to let you know someone

took a dump and kind of missed the bowl.

So, if you could clean that up real quick, that'd be great.

Thank you so much, thank you everyone, great meeting.

- Hey, I'd stay and help you with that,

but I really got to go.

But I love you, okay?

Sorry.

- I got to go too, but not as bad as that guy.

And so I definitely knew that we needed to focus on-

- Hey, can I have these?

Yeah, they're good, I want 'em, so.

Go on.

- So yeah, so I guess her dog died two weeks ago,

so it was very, very apparent that

she needed some lower back-

- Jimmy, what's up, man?

Get the fuck outta here.

No.

- Hey, Autumn.

- Hey, can I borrow a dollar?

Like, maybe?

Yeah, that's it, thank you.

- Hey.

Is everything okay?

- Yeah, everything's good.

- It's really loud.

Are you sure you're okay?

Where are you?

- Yeah, oh, I'm at work, I'm at work.

- Oh, okay, I just thought we were gonna hang out tonight.

- Yeah, no it's Jan's birthday and stuff over here.

I mean, we're going to hang out still, but.

- Oh, okay, so five, 10 minutes?

- Yeah, no, I mean, I'll be there in an hour.

Give me an hour, or so.

- It's Jan's birthday.

- Oh, okay.

And that's who is in the background?

- No, that's Chastity.

Okay.

- Hey, I got gotta go.

Jiminy tits!

Hello?

Hello?

- Ah shit, I butt-dialed her.

- Hey, bitch.

- Ah, not tonight, I am beat.

I have been tired the past three days.

- Oh, my god.

Autumn, I think you might be pregnant.

You've been really tired, you've been super bloated.

- Oh my god, you noticed, too?

- Oh, thanks.

- They're really sore.

- Yeah, they look super swollen.

Hopefully it's nothing.

- It's nothing.

I have extra pregnancy tests, just in case.

- You'd let me use one of your pregnancy tests?

What if you find out that it's positive?

You need your best friend there with you.

And I mean, it's probably nothing.

- Yeah, I get like this one I have gluten.

I swell up.

- Yeah, exactly, so you probably just

ate gluten, it's totally fine.

But if it is something, we need to find out.

But then again, weight gain

is really normal around your age.

All right, well come meet me up on my car.

Hey, bitch.

I was gonna borrow your favorite shirt

to go into the color run today, okay?

Is that cool?

- It's probably going to get ruined.

It's the one with the tassels.

- Autumn, are you kidding me?

This is your favorite shirt, despite how ugly it is.

You can't just let people walk

all over you and treat you like crap.

What I meant to say, is in nine months,

you're about to have this come out of your vagina.

Do you think it's going to be easy?

Do you think it's just going to walk on out?

No, you have to force it out, Autumn, okay?

You gotta stop letting people shit on you.

Ethan shits on you, our boss shits on you.

Birds shit on you, Autumn.

Everyone shits on you, and it sucks.

So, you need to grow a pair and tell the world,

nah, nuh-uh, no, no-no.

The baby deserves to have a strong mommy,

and you have to do that.

- Stop fighting with me, it's bad for the baby.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm gonna have a child.

I have to support a child.

My parents are going to be so proud now,

because not only did I not go to medical school,

I became a masseuse, got pregnant, had a child

with Ethan, and you know what?

My parents, they think I just touch people.

We go on family reunions, they say, what does Autumn do?

Oh, she touches people.

- Well, you do touch people for

your living, so they're not wrong.

Okay.

Um, excuse me?

This is a hand-blown glass coaster from Mexico.

Don't put your piss-stick all over it.

Coasters are for drinks.

- I'm sorry.

- Anyways, you need to tell Ethan.

You should call him and tell him.

Just rip it off like a band-aid.

- Oh my god, we were doing so well.

I would not tell him in person.

Oh, god no.

It'd make it more genuine, right?

- No, are you kidding?

Haven't you ever seen those murder mystery shows?

Women will tell their husbands that they're pregnant,

and then they wind up dead, Autumn.

No mystery there, the husbands did it.

- Oh my god, I don't want to die.

- Tell him, let him absorb it, let him calm down.

- Okay, I'll call him.

It'll be fine.

- Oh yeah, and then, you guys can live together

happily ever after, and shit like that.

- Well, yeah, it's a good thing to be positive.

Not going to start this car until you call him.

- It's ringing.

Is he answering?

- It's still ring, hello?

Hey babe.

I kind of need to talk to you about something important.

Do you mind turning it off, or muting it?

Yeah, you can turn it down.

One notch is fine.

Anyways, so, everything is fine.

I just have some really exciting news.

- Don't lie to him.

Don't lie.

- I'm pregnant.

- No, no, it's just spotty service.

The house has horrible service across it.

In fact, the whole area.

- Yeah, okay, that's fine.

But then why isn't he calling you back?

- It's the bad service, he probably

is trying, and it won't connect.

- Okay, so you just gave him like huge life-changing news,

and he's not trying to find a good area to call you back in?

- He was preoccupied, he was in his spot.

- Oh yeah, okay.

Well, call him back.

it should be able to connect again.

You should be able to,

- Well, unless the service is just iffy.

- Yeah, we'll see.

Sent to voicemail?

- Yeah, it's just bad service.

Okay, well I guess we'll just have to go there, then.

I am protected.

I am going to be okay.

I'm gonna die.

No, I'm not gonna die, I'm fine.

I am safe.

Okay.

Ethan?

Ethan?

No.

No.

Ethan?

Ethan, I'm home.

Why is my stuff outside?

And this isn't everything.

Can we please talk?

We can work this out.

Can you please just let me in, and I can sit down,

and we can talk about this, and we can find out

how we can make this work, please?

I see you in there, please, can you just,

Okay.

Okay.

Where's my toothbrush?

What am I supposed to do with this?

- Get in, bitch.

What's all this?

- All this is the remnants of my stuff,

along with globs of cat hair from his stupid cat.

- So, he didn't take it well?

- No, he left this outside,

and he freaking changed the locks.

- Like, already?

Wow.

He changed the locks in half an hour?

I mean, even my record is 45 minutes.

He had to have had help, there's no way.

Okay, sorry, you're upset about this.

Want to talk about it?

- I have no Ethan, I have minimal stuff.

But I have a baby that somehow I'm gonna

have to provide for, and I have nothing.

I have to be a mother, and I have no freaking father.

I'll be the father of your kid.

You don't need Ethan.

And fuck your stuff.

You can get new clothes and not have to wear the things

that you've been wearing for the last 10 years.

You can just completely revamp that thing you call style.

- I don't have money to mess around,

I don't have money to revamp my style.

- We're definitely taking Ethan

to court to get you some child support.

I think you're going to get more support

from Ethan by taking him to court

than you would have if he just volunteered to be the dad.

- I don't want to have to go to court.

I don't want to have to do any of that.

You know how I am in front of big groups of people.

- Yeah, you get gassy.

I know that you have a lot on your mind,

and you're probably worrying about, like,

oh, how am I going to be a good mom

when I can't even take care of myself,

and I have no car, and now I'm homeless?

- I have a lot on my mind, I don't have all my stuff,

let alone baby clothes, and I don't have any place to stay.

I mean, not for forever.

I'll make some Pinboards about how to be a good mom.

And then maybe the two of us together can make a great mom.

Just remember the ground rules.

If you see a sock on the door, knock first, okay?

You can come in, but warning knock.

- Sock means, I'm boning.

- Bro, oh my.

- Oh, I am so sorry.

Coffee?

- It's hot.

Oh.

Is there any cream in this?

- No, did you want me to get you some?

- No, I actually prefer without, so it's good.

Just trying to watch the now-burning figure.

- It's Ethiopian.

- Listen, I'm just gonna head out.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Just tell Sandra,

I'll bring the cup back.

- Oh, that's nice of you.

- Yeah, yeah.

It's cold outside.

It's perfect.

- The man, the boy.

- Oh, the boy, yeah.

After you fell asleep last night, I got bored,

and so I went over to one of the frat parties,

and I found this cute little boy.

He's so dumb.

So adorable.

- Oh, good question.

Craig?

Oh, Carlos.

Definitely, probably Carlos, yeah.

I've been thinking, and really, I need to make sure

that you know how much I appreciate you.

I don't know where I'd be if I wasn't able to stay here.

So, thank you so much for letting me crash here.

- You're amazing.

So, if you could help out any way

that you could with that, that'd be great, 'kay?

- Oh, definitely.

- Rent's $700, so if we could just

cut it right down the middle, that'd be great.

If you need me to drive you to an ATM,

or something, I can totally do that.

- Definitely, I can do that.

- Oh, no problem.

Ooo, that's hot.

So, are you still really bummed out, really sad?

- I wouldn't call it sad at this point.

Just, every time I think of him, and I picture his face,

there's just this knot, like a deep, visceral knot.

And then, I start thinking more about him,

and then it just gets tighter.

- You're pissed off?

Yeah, I'm pissed off.

What kind of person?

I mean, I understand commitment problems

and getting cold feet, maybe-

- No, I don't understand.

It's his child.

I don't like feeling like this.

I don't like feeling like this at all.

- You don't deserve it.

- No, I don't deserve it.

You know who deserves it?

He deserves it.

He needs to feel the frustration.

He needs to miss me.

- Yeah, if only there was something we could do.

- Oh, we should get back at him.

- Oh my gosh, what a good idea.

- Yeah, that'd be great.

But what could we do?

- I could go to his house, I could kink his hose,

and then he wouldn't be able to water his plants.

- Yeah, but we don't want to punish the plants, Autumn.

Are you a monster?

- They didn't do anything.

- We can write, you are a terrible human being,

and then stick it on his car windshield.

And then, he'll read it and internalize it.

- No, do this one again.

More jelly?

- To the edges, Autumn.

- We're human beings.

What if we write a note of him

threatening to bomb the White House?

- Wouldn't it be funny?

We could frame him for a cold-case murder,

and then we can call the police and tip them off.

Oh, I don't know what you're going for here,

because I keep coming up with all these great ideas

and you keep just shooting them down.

- Yeah, okay.

I can make a fake Tinder profile.

He would see me, and then he would think I have moved on.

- Yeah, that'd be so badass and hardcore.

What if, oh my god, Autumn, seriously.

Can you pay attention to this?

This is meal prep for me, this is my lunch

for the week, and you're gonna ruin it for me.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm not gonna enjoy eating these sandwiches at all.

- I could call his mom, and I could tell her

that he's been using her credit card.

- I'm feeding off of your energy,

think we're going in the same direction.

- So, we open a bunch of credit cards

in his name, and then max them all out.

No, because then he would never

be able to have another house.

into some snags, but we upload a bunch of kiddie porn

onto Ethan's computer at work.

And then, we tip the boss, or something like that.

And then, they find it, and then he goes

to jail for a really long time.

And then, everybody knows what a douchebag is.

We'd be exposing the IP address of the kiddie porn.

Do you like it?

Yeah.

- Okay, so, you're in?

You're in with the kiddie porn?

No, no.

- Actually, I do have an idea.

You need to start checking your pockets.

- Oh, shit.

- My grandma's necklace.

- It's at Ethan's.

- It's the frickin' family heirloom.

She would turn over in her grave

if she knew that I lost that thing.

- You haven't lost it, you know where it is.

- I'm gonna have to go back and get it.

So, you're just going to go back over there

and ask him to give you back the necklace?

- Yeah, I'll have to go back and and see him.

- No, I think that would be good.

- Let's just go ahead and role play that real quick, okay?

I'm going to be Ethan, 'kay?

You ready?

Ready, we're gonna role play?

Oh, hey, what's up, baby mama?

I was just jerking off, 'cause I'm a douchebag,

and, big surprise girl, I miss you,

and I want to try to work on things and have a family.

- Oh, my god.

You think he'll want me back?

- What?

No.

- No, this would be perfect.

He needs to be able to see me again,

'cause that's what it is, that's what's missing.

He needs to see me right there,

in person, in the same space as him.

Then, he's gonna miss me, and then he'll want me-

- No, you don't want him back.

We should just go get it back.

Just go into the house when he's

not home and just get it back.

- That's breaking and entering.

- So, just because he changed the locks,

you don't live there anymore?

- He loses all his stuff, there's no way to trace it back to

you, because mine and your DNA is all over the place anyway.

So, even if they did forensics,

- Wait, why's your DNA all over there?

- 'Cause I would hang out with you

all the time, and I'm a really bad shedder.

- When he's at work, we'll sneak over there,

and then we can use my heist kit.

No, no.

look like no one ever came in.

He kicked me out, and he owes me

a shit-ton of money, and he's got my necklace.

and then come out when he's not home,

and then it's like we were never there.

And then, if we ever need to come back,

we have a perfectly good working tunnel.

- You don't like any of my ideas.

Okay, this one, I think you'll like.

So, we get a jackhammer, jackhammer has septic tank

so shit just comes,

out of the ground.

Ethan runs out like, oh no, what's happening?

And then, we sneak in the back door, get what we need.

We were never there.

I mean, it's probably going to be gross,

but we'll wear hazmat suits.

- Oh, I have a whole Pinboard on how to do a heist.

- All these ideas are on the internet,

associated with your name.

- Yeah, that's what a Pinboard is.

- You know the government's gonna

start tracking your Pinboard.

You gotta be careful.

- That's why I named it, Not A Heist.

Duh.

- All right, thank you all so much

for coming to my weekend workshop.

If you've done any research, then you will know

that I am Geoffrey LeMaze III.

- You're the founder of this, it's named after you.

So, this class is a little bit different.

This is a Lamaze class.

You all have a little being inside of you,

and they're lost, and they are just searchin',

wall-to-wall, tryin' to get out of there.

They're in a little maze, I like to say.

So, we're going to assist with that.

We're going to help him or her

find their way out of your vagine.

How far along are you?

You are glowing.

- Thanks, I'm not even pregnant.

That's just my natural glow.

Wow.

'Cause I'm feeling something.

I'm pregnant.

- You're, okay.

That's great.

What about over here?

- What?

- Let's go ahead and get started

on these breathing exercises, okay?

Let's start with the standard in and out, okay?

And out.

Good god, woman, you sound like a horror movie.

In and out.

You are doing great.

- She's usually like a really slow learner.

She got teased a lot in middle school about it.

- Yeah, that's always rough.

and then if I need to hold it,

do I hold it, does that affect anything?

- You're thinking too much, you're stressing out.

I see stress all around you.

Just feel the breathing.

It's very natural to breathe, am I right?

Very good.

You know, I would think he's pregnant.

Those who are expecting, let's get in position, and those

who are supporting, let's get in our supporting position.

- What's the position?

Go ahead and sit in front of your partner over here.

You just swung right over.

Now, we are going to do, it's pretty advanced.

We are going to act like you're

actually having the baby, okay?

I can tell there's just bad energy over here.

I'm not feeling like you're pregnant.

Yes.

- I mean, in her defense, she's gonna have to raise

this baby all alone, because she's an unwed single mother.

Just do better, that's all.

That's all I'm saying, just do better.

What is your name?

I wish I was your friend.

Go and get a nice and relaxed.

It's time, the baby's coming, I'm coming, Stacy's coming.

Now,

breathe.

In.

Out.

Do you want to have the baby?

- I think so.

- No.

- Yes, the answer is yes, you're here.

You need to calm down, okay?

Calm down, no crying.

Now, push without pushing, do you understand me?

- Autumn, do it.

- Autumn, push.

- Come on, let's go, more, more push.

It's coming, it's coming.

Oh, my god.

It's a beautiful dead baby.

You killed the baby because you do not care.

You don't want to LeMaze.

He got lost and he died.

Get out.

- Okay, go.

- Come back when you're ready to have a child.

- Autumn, you never cuss.

- I know, I have only been that embarrassed,

like, five times in my life.

That was not on me.

I can't believe that I would be kicked out of something.

He's so fucking weird.

- Well, yeah, I mean, he's a genius.

Of course, he's going to be a little eccentric.

Look, everyone else that goes to him

is able to have a basically-painless birth,

and you got kicked out of the class,

and you think it's a problem with him?

- Wait, Stacy, do you think it was me?

Well, I mean, I don't think you were the issue.

I just don't think maybe you were

trying as hard as you could have?

- Oh, my god, so I was the problem.

- Well, I mean, yeah.

- Well, I'm glad I'm asking you.

'cause I guess I was being really one-sided.

- Oh, my god.

I was negative.

I was negative.

What if the negativity is coming

from the 50% Ethan demon inside of me?

That's making me negative and messing with my brain?

Hormones suck during pregnancy, but what if it's even worse,

because the chromosomes are from Ethan?

- Yeah, definitely.

I'm no scientist, but I would say that that's verifiable.

- Oh, god.

This is going to ruin my brain chemistry

and, potentially, all my relationships.

Autumn, your baby's a blessing, even if it is from Ethan.

No, don't cry again.

Don't.

Please, don't cry again, please don't.

- I'm a terrible mom

- What, no.

- No, you're not a terrible mother, yet.

We don't know that yet.

I mean, you're a terrible pregnant lady so far.

- I'm a horrible pregnant lady.

- Look, that's why we're taking these classes, okay?

You don't need to be a good mom yet.

That's why you have nine months.

- Oh, god.

Nine months, okay.

I need to distract myself right now.

I don't want to think about anything.

Remember, I am here with you.

What did we used to talk about before the pregnancy?

- Oh, that gun, I'm going to get a new gun.

It's going to be like, brat-tat-tat-tat.

It's gonna be so cool.

Well, anyways, what you need to do is just focus on the baby

and stop worrying so much about yourself,

stop worrying about Ethan.

What's wrong?

What

the fuck!

He's in a relationship.

Ethan is in a relationship?

- That's it.

He's nuts.

No, we're doing this fucking heist.

- Really, you promise?

- He's not getting away with it.

Let's do this.

- Yeah, let's go fuck his shit up.

Oh my gosh, I almost forgot.

- There's a rager happening tonight.

A shindig, a fiesta.

So, you want to do that tonight instead of the heist?

No.

The party will be our alibi.

I'm not following.

- Okay, we go to this party.

- Okay.

as we can, get on people's stories.

then we slip out, go do the heist, come back,

get documented again, and it's like, we were never gone.

- Oh, my god.

So, they think we're at the party.

- 'Cause we're actually gonna be at the party.

- Oh my god, so it's not a lie.

so that way there's no accessing our location.

- No tracking location, I like that, that's smart.

This is almost perfect.

One problem.

I have no idea what Ethan's doing tonight.

He might be working, but I have no idea what time.

All right.

Hi, yeah this is Ethan's girlfriend.

He's not answering his phone.

I just need to get ahold of him.

So, I was wondering if he was working right now?

Oh, he's not working 'til five?

That's right, I totally forgot.

Now I remember, yeah, he told me that

earlier when we were together.

'Til 10?

All right, thank you so much, Pamela.

Bye.

Now, all we need to do is get into our heist outfits.

that I think you will approve of.

It's this power suit-esque-type style.

Also really good on my curves.

- Okay, it looks like you're gonna be

a Catholic school girl, so no.

Next.

- Okay, so this next one, hear me out.

a really great supportive energy with me on this heist.

- Okay, can you just show it to me?

I'm looking up a recipe.

- No, okay.

So, my mom gave this to me when I was-

- No, mom?

No, god no.

I hate moms, no.

Okay, so I have this jacket.

It can go,

- Autumn, is that leather?

No, we are not doing a highest in another being's skin.

It's disgusting, no.

Next?

- I'm all out.

- Yeah.

- Okay, don't worry.

I'll worry about the outfits, okay?

- Okay, it's probably best.

- I'll have us lookin' great.

to the table I think you will really enjoy.

Close your eyes.

'Kay, close your eyes.

Close your eyes, all the way.

- No, I know how closing your eyes works, okay?

Okay, now wait just a second.

Okay, three, two, one.

- As long as I don't look like Autumn

- Well no, that's the problem.

You look like Autumn trying to be Pat Benatar.

Like if somebody sees you outside of the party,

just being normal, Autumn, cool,

no big deal they'll probably forget about it.

But if somebody sees you outside of the party

wearing a bright red, conspicuous-ass wig?

They'll remember that, even if they're drunk.

They'll be like, oh yeah, fuckin' Autumn

was wearing that fuckin' ridiculous wig,

and that heist happened the same night.

How weird is that?

What a coincidence.

- Okay, but those are a bunch of drunk people.

What about cops?

If a cop were to see me.

on the same night that a heist was pulled off?

No.

- You know, I'm not good at this.

- Didn't you get the Pinboard that I sent you?

The Pinboard called Not A Heist about the heist?

- You can't be a productive member of society

in this day and age with your notifications turned off.

One thing that I do have for outfits are these bandanas.

but we can pull them down right afterwards,

and it just looks like a cute scarf.

- So, I was right on the disguise part.

And I was right about the fact

that orange does not go with your skin.

You can't pull that off.

You wear the white one.

- I like white.

What are you doing?

- We're not joining a biker gang.

This is to cover the bottom half of your face.

- Doesn't that make it hard to breathe?

But it also disguises you, and then you can pull it down,

and cute, it looks like you're just wearing a little scarf.

Anyways, that is what we will be wearing, so,

thank you.

All right.

You have stuff for the heist,

because we're going to make pickle sandwiches?

on the heist, yeah, I'll cut a melon.

- Those are heist knives, then.

- Yeah, they're to cut anything

or anyone that gets in our way.

You were raised in such a bubble.

I got fireworks.

- What?

- Yeah, they weren't like expensive

or anything, it's no big deal.

- Okay, you know what, I was okay with the knives.

I was okay with the knives after you explained the knives,

but this, you need to explain.

- We're doing something secretive

that we don't want anybody to notice.

These, when you light them and they go bang, make a really

loud noise, and they're really bright and distracting.

So, we can set these off in case we need to.

It's only if we need to.

Don't get your panties in your ass.

That these will not end up under someone's car,

in someone's car, right outside their window,

in their house, in a bag with dog poop on fire,

like you probably would think of.

- Okay, well, that's a lot of restrictions

that you're giving me, but calm down, okay?

I've been lighting off fireworks since I was fuckin' three.

All right.

We are good to go.

Now, we just got to stop by the office.

- Well, it's already after hours.

We're not gonna be able to get in.

I always forget that other people

don't have a manager key card.

- I mean, I acquired it.

so I'm able to get basically whatever I want.

- Well, from Ted's desk.

Oh, no, no.

That looks, like, not good.

- Oh, my god, it doesn't.

- Yeah, but I don't look like a clown grandma.

- Ew, oh, god.

Why won't it come off?

- Why won't it come off?

Stacy-

- It's 45 hour lipstick.

down there, if you wanted to get it.

That's how I take it off.

Does it stain your lips

underneath?

- I mean, it's vegan and cruelty-free, but yeah,

it gets down to the fourth layer of your skin.

We could just put the purple lipstick over the red.

- Sometimes, I wonder why my common sense

is not as good as yours.

Good, it's still got some juice.

- That's my pepper spray from high school.

- Yeah, you said you were too afraid to use it

and you were just going to throw it away.

Why would I buy a new one?

That's a waste of money.

All right, let's go get the rest of the shit.

- It's off, okay, it's not hot, good.

- Why a crowbar in this room,

and why a crowbar for the heist?

For instance, in this office.

I get packages all the time full of massage oil, and I have

to crowbar 'em open because I don't have scissors.

So, boom, there's one could use right there.

Also for the heist specifically,

I dunno, what if we can get the door open?

I mean, I have all the faith in the world

that you're going to be able to lock-pick.

And also you don't even know, what if Ethan

has a safe you have no idea about, and we find it?

Then I can crowbar that shit open, steal that

good shit and make some real money.

It's better to be over-prepared than under-prepared.

- That, I agree with you on.

- When I'm not prepared, I get anxious.

- Me, too.

- That's why you're always anxious,

because you're never prepared.

Next room.

I'm trying to pee.

What the heck are you doing to the flowers?

It's a dagger.

You mean, why is there a easily accessible weapon

for when I'm at my most vulnerable?

I think even you could answer that, Autumn.

I just busted in here.

I could've killed you.

Heck, I've killed you five times in my imagination.

You're not helping.

- Okay, well, can you just hurry up, then?

Because I want to get to the party

to take some shots before the heist.

- You know I'm a shy pee-er.

Now it's going to take me five minutes to get started.

You're okay.

Everything's okay, you're fine.

Dammit, Stacy.

Shut the door.

Okay.

- That's Tommy Schumacher's old bat.

- Sure is, mother fucker.

Messed with the wrong 4th grader.

- Anger management, anger management.

Ah.

Some rope.

You don't understand why we need rope for the heist?

Okay, well, if we need to hog tie somebody.

If we get stuck on the roof and we have to repel down, okay?

I don't want to get stuck on the roof.

Do you want want to get stuck on the roof?

- I hate getting stuck on roofs, okay?

I thought that was obvious.

- No, Stacy, this time, I want to know

why the rope is in the room.

Duh.

Some guys can't relax unless they're tied up.

- That's how she keeps getting promoted.

- Oh, by the way, Autumn, I noticed that you were sleeping

on your back last night, and that's really bad for the baby.

- Oh, this early?

- I'm going to be this baby's daddy, 'kay?

And I've done my research made sure that I know

everything there is to know about having a baby.

- I know you have, thank you.

- All right, well, we should leave our phones

in here so that we they can't track us.

- The government, FBI, CIA, people that might want bad guys,

which is what we're going to be after we go and do this?

Can you reach into the glove box

and grab my burner phone, please?

- Yeah, it's not a gun, it's just a burner phone.

Why are you acting like-

- Well, in case of emergencies?

Tons of things can go wrong in a heist.

I've got a burner phone in case we need to call someone.

That's what phones are for.

- I don't want to do this.

- I don't want to fight, either.

- It's the cops, oh shit, clean up.

- What's going on?

We're got a report of a loud party.

Take your IDs out.

How long you been using?

- That's my EpiPen.

- Yeah, well, looks like drugs to me.

- Yo, let's go.

- I ain't goin' back, man.

to the tip of your nose, do you understand?

- All right, left.

I said left.

How old are you?

- 21.

- Yeah, right.

- They're gonna shut down this party, 'cause it's getting

way too crazy in here, and then, we're out of an alibi.

You're about to do that squeaky voice that I hate.

I have like a hundred dollars worth of fireworks in my bag.

You and I are going to go set these off,

and the cops will go down the street to investigate

- I could call a paddy wagon right now,

and have you all taken to jail.

But lucky for you, it's the end of my shift.

Ah.

- Oh, I love selfies.

- You're so hot, get in here.

- Oh, my gosh, Allison, you look so cute tonight.

We should totally do a selfie together.

- You do, too.

Yeah, let's put ourselves on Instagram.

Ooop.

Aaah!

They're totally staring at us.

- Oh, you're right.

They are totally staring at us so hard.

They totally need to mind their own business.

- I don't know.

But you know what, Kristy?

I'm going to go find out.

What is your fucking problem?

Your eyes are like daggers, and they're just stabbing me

over and over and over again.

- You lookin' at her?

I haven't been looking at you.

- Tequila, that's always a really good way to make friends.

- You know what else, though, is really fun?

- What?

You should dare me to hire a stripper.

- I think that's a great idea.

Matter of fact, you can use my phone to call one.

- No, no, no, Allison.

- We're getting a stripper.

- 84 episodes.

You're not going to prove me wrong.

- Richard, I'm sorry I have to do this to you,

but I'm gonna look it up.

- Yeah, ask your best friend, Google.

Let's take a selfie.

Come on, get close.

Perfect, thank you so much.

- He was short, just like a bean pole, you know what I mean?

'Cause it just feels weird.

- Hey, ladies.

- Oh, no.

'Cause your ass is out of this world.

- Wow, okay.

That's cute.

Just take all this cuteness,

and just take it right over there.

- I'll take it anywhere you want to, baby.

Ooo, short hair.

I haven't been with a short haired-chick in five chicks.

- Well then, why don't we take this

right up to the bedroom and finish it?

- You'll do anything to get in our pants, will you?

I'm a genius.

- Oh, hey.

- You're so funny.

I invited you, remember?

Oh.

You did, of course you'd be here, because.

Stacy, you are just so beautiful, you look immaculate.

You didn't have the braid in the other night, and just,

No.

- I'm shy, I don't like PDA,

and there's tons of people here.

Is that dark beer you're drinking?

- I know, yeah, unfortunately.

- Cameron, you're not gonna get to those big muscles.

- It's the only thing they had in the fridge.

I can't drive, I'm not gonna go out right now.

- What if I told you, you can get six times

the drunkness with none of the calories?

- You're a liar.

- I'm not a liar.

It's called a beer enema.

You might feel a little pop.

Perfect, just relax.

You've had the equivalent of a six pack.

- Steady, steady.

- I can't really hear you,

you're kind of slurring your words.

What?

- Yeah, I know, I wouldn't use

my own car for the heist car.

Like, you want me to get captured by all the cameras

at the grocery stores and the gas stations?

'Cause that would be really smart, Autumn, wouldn't it?

No, it's taken care of, you don't need to worry.

Pinky swear.

The party just started, nobody's even drunk yet,

which means nobody's going to come out here

and notice that this pile of shit's gone.

- It's really shitty, it even smells shitty.

- Yeah, that's the spirit.

Let's get in this shit wagon.

All right, let's grab the loot bags, the heist bag.

All right, got everything?

- Yeah.

- Okay, we're going to go sneak around back.

What are the odds it's just unlocked?

- Oh no, he never leaves it unlocked.

Okay.

Somebody's going to see us.

- This is from the Pinboard post, okay?

I actually read it.

- Okay, well, did you watch any of the videos I sent?

- Autumn, unlock the fucking door.

- It's not me, it's the stupid bobby pin.

- Autumn, this was literally your one

fucking job, and you're failing at it.

It's supposed to take a little bit of time.

- Well, it's not working, and it's taking forever.

- Well, that worked.

- Let's start with the games.

- Yeah, I mean, they gotta be worth something.

And besides, you said it was Ethan's favorite thing, right?

- So, let's make him cry.

- I mean, that's what he was always

spending all of your rent money on, so.

I think I broke something.

- Oh, and the TV?

- It's gotta be worth something.

- Well, yeah, but I don't want to be caught

if shit hits the fan carrying

this big TV, and neither do you.

- Comic books, where does he keep 'em?

- Okay, cool.

So, here are these stupid things.

- He said he didn't want to have children with me,

because these were his babies.

- Yeah, well, I told him you to ditch him a bunch of times.

- First edition, mint copies hand-wrapped,

Every single one of these, a month's rent.

- Yep, he would not pay the rent

because he had to invest in himself.

So, these are worth a month's rent, each of these?

Screw the money, let's burn these.

No.

- Please, you love burning shit.

in value since he purchased them.

These are now our babies, okay?

So, as much as we would like to burn them

and film it and send it to him anonymously, we can't.

Because you have a thing growing inside of you

that is going to be coming in about eight months.

Remember, you don't have a place

to live, you don't have a car.

But those aren't even his pride and joy.

- There's more?

- Oh, yes.

In the glass case you will see the ones

that are protected from, well, us.

about taking all of Ethan's shit.

the more I just feel like he deserves it.

We'll be able to buy a ton of stuff.

I can get a boob job, or a new car.

- Whoa, I like the new Autumn.

You're a little badass.

- Hey, maybe I'll get a boob job.

- You can't get a boob job.

- Aw, come on.

No, you need to stop being so selfish.

All right, now let's go steal some more shit.

Okay, I really want to get all my clothes

out of the closet, then we never have to come back.

No.

We can't steal any of your fugly-ass shit.

- Well, for one, no burglar is going

to come in here and steal your fucking clothes.

So, he'll know it was you.

'Cause I would love to get my jacket back

that you borrowed and never gave back to me, but I can't.

- Oh, I'm redecorating.

Redecorating.

Pull some pranks on him.

- I've got one.

- I would say I'm excited, but your ideas usually stink.

- Oh, it'll stink, but not the way you're thinking.

- Ew, is that fish?

- Yeah, it's pollock, and it's old.

And the heater's broken.

- Oh, you want to put it in the vents?

I fucking love it.

- Not only that, now we have old fish

with heat constantly running over it.

- Is that why it's hot as balls in here?

- That is correct, and that is also why

it will be hot as balls and smell like the sea.

- Who are you, and what did you do with Autumn?

- I'm the devil.

- Okay, that's kind of dorky.

Stacy.

What are you doing?

- Poking holes in Ethan's condoms?

- Well, I mean, so we can get the chick

that he left you for pregnant.

- We don't hate her.

Okay.

You're right.

You wouldn't get as much child support.

- Well, that's one reason, other than

it being completely unethical.

- All right, fine, let's go throw these away.

We'll find something else amazing to do.

Hey, Ethan smokes, right?

Yeah, all the time, even inside. It's absolutely disgusting.

Cool.

- So, class today was pretty boring.

- Obviously.

- When is it not boring?

- Whoa, that is

- Don't touch

the sweater, man. - Whoa, okay, okay.

- He punched a guy, once.

- I apologize, I thought it was a nice sweatshirt

and I'm just not having,

why are you guys out?

It's late.

- I lost my car and I don't know,

Now it's gone, and I don't know what to do.

- Well, can you press a little button on your keys?

- You know, make it beep.

- I don't have the keys now, and my car has gone.

Have you guys seen it, by any chance?

- And he's down, okay.

- I don't know what to do.

Sanchez.

- My name is Greg.

- Greg, okay.

Where did you come from, Greg?

- Of course.

I just need my car, that's all I need.

- Well, color, anything, license plate?

- Seafoam.

- It's a green color. I didn't choose it, okay?

- Got it, I see.

- It was my sister's.

- You know, I think we saw a seafoam car.

- I think it went that way?

- What are we going to do, jump on it?

- I thought you'd at least try to stop it.

- We didn't know it was your car.

- I just thought-

- Okay, Craig, whatever,

- It's Greg.

You can't drive.

You're wasted.

You guys aren't gonna help me, obviously.

- You're not, you're not, and you're not.

So, I am gonna go find my seafoam car.

- Forget it, you guys.

- Okay, bye.

- I stole Ethan's divine phallic symbol.

His katana.

I think it's some replica of some anime,

I don't even know, but he loves it.

- He's such an,

- He's home?

- What, no.

Come on, go.

Behind the couch, come on.

Get down here, now.

Go, go, go.

- Yeah, I just got here.

No, just going to feed Sprinkles,

and then I'll be on my way.

All right.

- Okay, fine, I'll get you some food, geez.

- I think he's gone.

- Oh, my god.

He almost lit a cigarette.

- That's what you were worried about?

Not him finding us?

- The house would've blown up

if he'd lit a cigarette.

- Oh, don't play dumb.

What did you think I was doing in the kitchen?

You don't want me to put holes in the condoms, right?

- Oh, my god.

Take your bat.

Okay, well let's just go, that was way too close.

And apparently, he likes to come back a lot.

- Where's the fourth bag?

- What, go, let's go, come on.

That felt so good.

- Got his katana, his stupid comics.

Both of those are gonna be

cold, hard cash for me and my baby.

Yeah, money, money, money.

- Oh, my god.

We're gonna buy a new car for me

and boobs for you. - Money, money, money.

- And a new car for you, 'cause you're going to get both.

- Oh yeah, yeah.

Let's get a house together.

- Let's do it.

- That way, I can like really be a father to your child.

Thank god Ethan is gone.

Yes.

- Oh, my god.

You have no idea how long I prayed.

to make my prayers count more.

- Oh my god, you hate Christianity.

- I just hate organized religion, period.

- So, you hate Ethan more than organized religion?

I almost forgot.

- I still have Killian's keys.

- Whatever his name is, I don't care.

Let's get back into the party.

We're gonna have a rock-solid alibi.

- Yeah, I feel alive right now.

Like that time that I did cocaine, like, so much cocaine.

Oh my god, let's go.

- So, I'd to thank you for, like, listening to my problems.

You're really a good listener.

Thank you.

Why are you sitting with me?

We've been talking for like half an hour.

I'm Joe.

- No, we have not been talking.

- No, don't touch my fucking drink, Josh.

- Joe, Joe, remember?

Maybe water?

Kick out, maybe, some of that alcohol?

- No Jim, no.

No, no.

Water is for fucking pussies.

Do I look like a pussy to you?

- No, you do not look like a pussy.

- No, exactly.

So, you know what sounds really good?

Let's get some tequila shots up in here.

Maybe me taking you in, laying you down.

- No, no, no.

- Everybody, this guy's trying to have sex with me.

- No, no, no, hashtag me too movement.

- I do not want to sleep with this woman,

nor have I touched this woman.

- You don't want to sleep with me?

Maybe that's what it is, do you need pills?

'Cause that changes things a lot

about what we're talking about before.

- No, I don't want to sleep with you.

I do not want to sleep with you.

We were talking, remember?

Our problems?

- Oh yeah, you know what my problem is?

Those two fucking bitches over there

have been staring at me all night.

I don't know what their problem is.

I don't see no bitches.

Open your eyes, Javier.

Those fucking bitches.

- Can't get the leg.

- Oh my god, could you guys-

He is seriously hurt, can someone get him a towel?

Someone call 9-1-1.

- Hi, 9-1-1?

There is a man, I mean-

- Looked like something was drippin' down-

- Hey, someone check and see if he's got

his package in the pool.

- Hey, I think we should take his pants off.

- Nevermind, you guys have great service.

She really got a stripper.

- Not in my,

No, not in my mouth.

- Hey, you sure you got the right house?

Goddamn.

- No, not in my mouth, not in my mouth.

- Dude, I thought you were vegan.

Who ordered this cop?

- Somebody, please help me.

No, no, no.

Woo.

- All right, now we should take his pants off.

Oh my god, is that Chris?

It's Craig.

Whatever.

- I mean, he could be.

He had the equivalent of 36 beers

in five minutes, all up his ass.

Well, what luck for us?

How serendipitous.

- Wait, can we check and see if he's

breathing?

- Well, he moved, so.

- Well, that's a good sign.

- He looks so cute when he's passed out.

- Thank god he's not dead.

- All right, well let's get home and change our clothes

and get some coffee, or something.

Are you able to use my cup though?

- I think I can do that, sure.

- Okay, cool, just trying to save the earth.

- Well, I thought so too.

It wasn't my favorite heist that I've ever done.

But I fucked over the person that I hate the most.

I mean, I love you the most, Ethan's a dick

to you, so I hate him the most.

I'm just glad that you did this.

- I did this.

heist again, which I'm not condoning

- Only 13% of burglaries are ever solved.

- I really hope it's not another one of my boyfriends.

- And then, we can get you possibly like your own place.

Not that I don't love you staying with me, but yeah.

- I can't believe you got me to do this.

- I'm a deep well of surprises, Autumn.

- You're so manipulative.

- I'm not manipulative.

I'm persuasive, okay?

And that happens to be a really high-quality trait

that only charismatic people have.

Bad people are manipulative, and I'm decent as fuck.

That's what I'm worried about.

- What?

as a human, but he's not very smart.

Like, really not smart.

That's why I'm worried about this poor child.

- They took all my games and all of my comics.

Shouldn't you be writing this down, or something?

- So, you're telling me somebody's risked

going to prison to break into your home

to steal a Super Nintendo that's worth maybe ten bucks?

- Yeah, look around.

You should be fingerprinting and shit, anyway.

- What is that?

- Did you guys bring that in here with you?

That's not my bag.

Sure, it isn't.

It's good.

Yeah, I'm going to need a transport for one.

I have a narcotics bust.

- No, you don't.

It's not a bust.

You guys suck.

- No, you shut up.

No, you're the cutest.

Yeah, okay, no, I'll see you later.

Ugh, it's smells cat shit in here.

- So, I got sick of Roy's shit.

- Wait, who's Roy?

- We work with him, we've worked with him for five years.

- Oh, tall pervert guy?

- Oh, okay.

- Now I know who you're talking about.

- Oh, 'cause he's always taking your burritos?

- Oh my god, wow.

Who were you on the phone with?

Greg.

It turns out you've been saying

his name wrong the whole time.

It's Greg with a G, not Craig,

like how you've been saying it.

- But don't worry. I won't tell him

that you didn't know his name for a really long time.

- We've been going steady now for about a week.

- You're going steady with someone?

- Yeah, all proper-like, so,

I dunno.

- Yeah, it's just weird.

Like, when I look at him, I don't see

just a pole that I can climb.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, sexually, like a poll that I can get down on?

- I just wasn't sure if you got the-

- Yes, I did.

When he talks, I hear him.

- He says these ideas, and they're so dumb.

They're the worst ideas.

But I'm hearing them.

- You're listening.

Well, shut up, no.

Stop, we're done.

- Well, two things.

Number one, I wrote up everything that Roy owes me.

This is $1,000.

- Compounded interest, though.

Well, he deserves it.

Five years of borrowing dollars from you.

- You're just like really standing up

for yourself, and I love it.

You have, like, a backbone now.

You're like a whole new woman.

- No, that's all I had.

I can't believe it.

Whoa.

- The next part of it was,

I'm almost done packing up all my stuff.

I don't like that.

- What's going on?

- I don't know.

It's just, whenever you talk about moving out,

it just makes me feel, like,

- Yeah, like I'm sad.

I don't want you to leave.

- You're gonna miss me.

- No, I'm just, I'm not, no, stop it.

No, I'm not gonna miss you.

Just, it's nice having you around sometimes.

- And you're not gonna be here anymore.

- No, I'll still come back.

- Like, all the time?

- Okay, so I mean, twice a day is very easily possible.

- You're my best friend, of course I'm gonna be here.

- And you're also the father of my child.

So, I'm going to be around a lot.

I gotta get going.

- Oh, before you do, I need that necklace you borrowed.

- Oh, yeah.

Oh, I put it in your drawer.

So.

You know, I'm surprised you actually returned it.

- I know, right?

Like, I'm becoming a good person and shit.

Wow, I'm going to be late,

and I don't like to be late anymore.

Not even fashionably.

- Stacy.

- What, oh, what's that?

- What, how should I know?

You can't prove that's mine.

I don't know.

- Don't leave.

- No, I gotta.

What?

- I'm sorry, okay?

I had a really good reason to, though.

I figured, if you got pregnant that Ethan would dump you,

and then you would have to realize like how amazing you are,

and you will grow into this awesome person, which you did.

So, my plan worked.

No, I mean, not all of it.

I didn't know that we were gonna be doing a heist.

That was just a fun, little extra thing.

But yeah, everything else, I planned it.

My cortisol levels are so high

that it induced pregnancy-like symptoms.

- Okay, well I'm sorry, but in my defense, I wasn't

thinking about your feelings at all when I planned this.

At least you have all this newfound confidence.

And that's because of me.

I did that for you.

Anyways, you seem really angry.

- So, I'm just gonna give you some time to simmer,

and I'll come back, and we can talk about it later?

And I'm sorry, I won't do it again.

Even if there's a really good reason,

I won't do it again, I promise-

- And you don't even look half-bad in that shirt.

Love you.

Don't be mad at me.

- Stacy!

Open.

Two, three.

No, I can't be pregnant.

It's probably menopause, early, early menopause.

Come on.

Son of a bitch.

- I want you to take all your tension,

close your eyes with me.

Pretend you're on a fluffy cloud with puppies.

- I can't have puppies on the cloud with me.

Okay, you're on a deserted island

with only hot guys surrounding you,

and they have mimosas and they are fanning you.

around your body, relieving tension,

which actually will help you release toxins.

- Okay, so this is actually a vibrating tool, that-

Yeah, doesn't that feel good?