All language subtitles for Half Baked (1998)

Hey. What's up,
everybody? I'm Thurgood Jenkins.

You know, it's funny, but I can
trace the entire path of my life...

to one childhood memory.

My last clear memory, really.

You see, it was the summer
before ninth grade.

It was me, Brian,
Kenny, Scarface...

and of course the
lovable Old James.

Oh, hold on. Wait a minute.
Old James...

Old James wasn't there.

I don't even know nobody
named Old James. Shoot.

Gone!

- Why don't you light it up there, brother?
- All right. Here goes nothin'.

I don't
remember graduatin'.

And my first sexual experience...
I don't remember that either.

But, man, I will never ever forget
the first time I smoked...

That sweet, sweet cheeba.

Feel anything? Yeah, I
feel my chest cavin' in.

This stuff didn't even work.
- Man!

Come on. Let's just go get some
candy and get out of here, B.

I've heard people say they
don't get high the first time they smoke.

Not me. Oh, not us.

We were really, really high.

We was to' up!

- Do you guys feel different?
- A little.

How 'bout you, Scarface?

How
you doin', Kenny? Kenny?

I haven't been so thirsty
in my entire life.

Do you guys hear that?

Feels like Jerry Garcia's in my head.
Am I goin' crazy?

We look at that day as the day we
met the fifth member of our crew... marijuana!

Oh, Lord, we was hooked!

So, now we all live
together in New York.

I myself am a master
of the custodial arts,

or a janitor, if you want
to be a dick about it.

Anyway, I work at this lab,
Frankensense and Burr Pharmaceutical.

They do pharmaceutical
testing for the government...

And big corporations and...

And I am the happiest
custodian alive.

This job... sucks.

Abba-Zaba,

you my only friend.

Ah, it could be worse.
I could have Scarface's job.

Heifer with cheese.
- You son of a bitch, I'm right behind you!

Turn around and ask me for
Heifer with cheese, yo!

Why you gotta make me feel inferior
'cause I'm on the grill, B? Damn!

Scarface is kind of a hyper guy for a pothead.
- Sorry.

Kenny is probably doin' the
best out of all of us.

He's a kindergarten teacher
at some school downtown,

which I know might scare a lot of parents,
seeing as how he's a weedhead and all.

But let me tell you, man, that guy does
wonders for those children's self-esteem.

Thank you. Oh, I love you
so much, little one.

All of you.
All of you are so good.

Brian works at a new and used record store.
- Hi.

He gets to talk about
music all day.

Perfect job for a stoner.

Lady, you want seven bucks for
a used Kenny Loggins record?

- I'll give you five.
- Uh-uh. He autographed it himself.

All right, I'll give you four.

Jan, stop it, man.

As far as herb goes,
you can get it all over this town.

I mean, they might call it the city that
never sleeps, but I'll tell you this.

It takes a lot of
fuckin' weed naps.

Free!

You can get the stuff at
little corner stores called bodegas.

Say it with me:

Yes, very good.

- These places always have incredibly
old products. - Como esta, fellas?

- Hey-Hey.
- But the weed ain't bad.

- Let me get four dime bags.
- No idea what you're talking about.

José, you crazy, man. He's crazy.
Come on, man. Let me get them dimes.

See, the problem with
bodegas is they never remember you.

You always have to do something extreme to
let 'em know that it's you and you're cool.

Hey, fellas. Y'all know me. Come on, now.
Look at this.

Hey, black ass.

Why you didn't moon
us earlier, eh?

It was
a little degrading.

If you desperate, you can get it from
the Rastas at Washington Square Park,

but their stuff ain't even
weed most of the time.

I don't fall for
that shit anymore.

Then there's a delivery service run
by a guy named Samson Simpson.

Now, when you can afford
it, this is the best way.

I mean, you can get anything
you want, from weed to heroin.

Now, I don't do drugs, though.
Just weed.

Coming.

See, all you have to do is
call them up, and a half hour later,

you got a delivery
guy at your house.

What a country!

Hi. You called about your plumbing?
Something about empty pipes?

Secret code.
Come on in.

You want highs, mediums or lows?
How are the highs, man?

I say they got a piney taste, almost minty.
Notice the little red hairs.

Yeah. And the rich greenery?

I see those. It's definitely the
highest-grade hydroponics in the city.

What, did you go to weed college?
Damn, nigga.

All right. Give me
a 50 bag of that.

Been a pleasure.
Pleasure's all mine.

Tell Samson I said hello, would ya?
Sure thing.

Now, everybody has their own
little ritual when it comes to smokin'.

Dope has arrived, fellas.
And we were no different.

- Break out Billy Bong Thornton.
- Yeah.

Whoo!

Billy, good to see you, man.

All right. Light it up.

Shoes off.

Oh, Brian, put yours
back on, man.

For real, B. Do your
sock laundry, yo.

Gentlemen, assume
your positions.

Fire in the hole.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...

- Yo, who's on munchies tonight, yo?
- Not me.

I guess that'd be me.

What do you guys want?

Get some...

sour cream and onion chips...

with some dip, man.

Some beef jerky.
Some peanut butter.

Get some Häagen Dazs ice cream bars.
A whole lot.

Make sure chocolate.
Gotta have chocolate, man.

Some popcorn. Bread. Popcorn.
Graham crackers.

Graham crackers with the marshmallows,
the little marshmallows.

And little chocolate bars.
We'll make some s'mores, man.

Yeah, that's what
I'm sayin', yo.

Also celery, grape jelly, Captain
Crunch with the little crunch berries.

Pizzas. We need two
big pizzas, man.

Everything on 'em. With
water, whole lot of water.

And...

Funyuns.

Yeah.

That's it? Yeah.

Anyone want anything else?

Oh, yeah. Get me a box of condoms,
and, um, what's that stuff?

We used to eat it all the
time back in the day.

Pussy. That's right.
You got it.

Thanks, man.

Hey, hey!

If I'm not back in 10
minutes, call the police.

If he ain't back in 10 minutes,

we callin' Domino's.

I'm hungry, man. All right, yo.

Hey, girl.

You hungry? Fuck you, nigga!

Hey, I'm sorry. I
was talkin' to the horse here.

See the trouble you're
gettin' me into?

You're hungry, aren't ya? Here.

You like popcorn.

It makes your teeth go pop, pop, pop.

This is Buster Phillips, and coming
in at number eight, like El Niño,

"Samson Gets Me Lifted," by my
main man... Who? Sir Smoka Lot.

Ha!

This guy is weed crazy.
Look at that.

- What do you want, Master?
- Bitch, you know what I want.

- He got the same dealer as us.
- What do you mean?

- Samson.
- Oh, right.

That's where I want to live.
Right there.

I'm all out.

I'm all out of food.
You ate it all.

Gee, you must've been so hungry.

Uh-oh.

Buttercup! Buttercup!

I need an ambulance, now!
Officer down.

I repeat, officer down!

What the hell did you
give my Buttercup?

I just gave him some
candy and some chips...

and some pink popcorn
and some Funyuns...

This horse
is a diabetic!

Buttercup.
Buttercup.

Don't you leave me.
Breathe, Buttercup.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Why?

- Why?
- Why?!

You're under arrest.
- What?

You dumb son of a bitch!
- No!

I'm a... I'm a peaceful man.

I'm a schoolteacher!
- Shut up! You're a cop killer.

Cop killer? I love horses.

I love horses. I love horses.

I love buttered stuff.
Buttercup.

Say it.
Butter nuts.

Cup. Cup.
Cup. Cup.

Why must you rage?
Stop the hate, child.

Bail is set at one million dollars for the
crime of killing an officer of the law.

And may God have mercy
on your soul, young man.

This court is adjourned.

Back
to your cells. Lockdown.

Good night, Fish.

Fish!
Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish!

My weed's wearing off.

Guess who.
Yo. Psst. Thurgood.

Hey, nigga, what time is it?
It's 8:30.

Kenny didn't come home last night.
We are worried, man.

Word, yo. Where the hell is he?

Did he just move?

Kenny called.
He's in jail.

He didn't leave a number.

Sincerely, The Guy on the couch.

Come on, guys. We gotta get
Kenny out of jail, man.

Hey, Kenny. How they
treatin' you in there?

Let's just say I'm not gettin' the
respect a cop killer deserves.

All right, time's up.

I was up all night
getting harassed.

- Hi there, Fish.
- See what I mean?

I think they're mistakin' my
kindness for weakness. I'm scared.

Hey, Kenny, we're gonna get
you out of there, man.

All we gotta do is raise 10
percent of one million, yo.

- Which, by our calculations...
- Is fucking impossible, man!

Hey! A million doll...

Sorry, man. I'm sorry.

All my life, I did
everything right.

I never screwed up.
I fed the horse.

I didn't know it was a diabetic.
I'm scared.

Kenny, stop crying. Stop crying, Kenny.
Look at me.

Come on. Don't let them
see you cry in there.

Come on, man. Show me
your mean face. No.

Yes, show me your
mean face, Kenny.

That's good.

I mean, work on it a
little bit, but it's good.

- - Kenny, how
long can you make it in there?

I don't know. Maybe 5:00...
6:30.

Come on, man. It's gotta be
a little longer than that.

But... But... But we'll get
you out, right, guys?

Yeah, you're out. You're out of here.
Free as a bird.

Number nine, time's up!

Time's up, number nine.
That's me.

Let's go.

I love you guys.

Have fun, Ken.

Cuidate, yo.

He looked
all right, man.

They gonna kill
him in there, yo.

Hey, lady. Miss, is
this your purse?

Yes. I'm sexy.

I'm a scholar.

People like me. Give it to me.

Bye. Hey, where you goin'?

I'm leaving. Well, uh,
can I leave with ya?

Follow me.

And your name is?

Mary Jane. Really?

Yes. So what's up with this?

Is that your work uniform?
Nah, this is my costume.

You know, uh, tomorrow I'll be a
cowboy, the day after that an Indian.

Every day of the week, I dress up
like a different Village Person.

It's a thing I'm into.

Nah, I'm a custodian. So,
what are you here for?

Possession of narcotics. Wow.

My father's a drug dealer.
- Wow, that must've been the shit.

It ruined his life.
- That must've been shitty.

I don't do drugs.
Drugs make me sick.

They're bad for your body. Up
with hope, down with dope.

Thurgood. Come on, man.
We gotta go.

Get on the train. Toke
up before we go to work.

Word, yo. Let's go, B.

What are you doing, man?
Bouncy. Body.

Is that Prell? Do you use Prell?

Yeah. That's what
I'm talkin' about.

Hey, guys. Meet Mary Jane.

That's what he's sayin'.
We wanna burn one.

No, no. This is Mary Jane.

Meet her. Say hello to her.
Shake her hand even.

Oh, my fault. What's up?
- Hi.

All right. Hey.

Listen, do you guys need a ride?
I have a car.

- You don't have to take the subway.
- Wow. You smoke?

No, my grandmother died of lung cancer.
I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, that's all the more reason
to toke up, man. Ease the pain.

Ah! That's what I'm
talkin' about.

You know, I think what they're tryin'
to say is we'd love a ride home.

Great.

What the hell's wrong with y'all?
She look good, yo.

Mary Jane! What is that about, man?
I hate y'all.

Shotgun!

Hey, thanks for this ride.
We really appreciate it. Sure.

Guys, shut up about
the weed for two seconds.

I don't want this
girl to know I smoke.

Yeah, it's bad enough
you're a janitor, yo.

Custodian, dick.

Hey! Hey.

Could you drop me in the lobby?
It's perfect.

I could feel she
wanted me to say something.

I had to make my move while
the guys were asleep.

I'm real bad at
this kind of thing,

but you think sometime
we could get together,

maybe go out for some
ice cream or something?

Motherfucker said "ice cream"!

Damn. Okay!

- All the boys in the car need to get out.
- Such a dork, man.

I'm talkin' to you.
Thanks a lot, fellas.

- Thanks for the ride.
- Thurgood!

- I knew it!
- You forgot your hat.

I knew it.

You know, I might've came on too
strong with the whole ice cream thing.

Let me just give you my number.
Is that cool?

Okay. All right.

Now, don't call too late, 'cause you
know I be strippin' in the evenings.

Joking!

Here you go. You call
me anytime you want.

- Maybe.
- "Maybe" is an acceptable answer.

It's that "no" thing that gets me.
Maybe I'll hear from you.

- Bye.
- Be thinkin' about you.

Dr. Kablecki,
please report to Clinical Studies.

Dr. Kablecki.

Janitor? Janitor?

Aaah!

Sorry about that. What
is it, scientist?

Could you, uh... I know this
isn't your responsibility,

but would you be a dear and run
this down to the supply department?

It's on the second floor.
Just run this down?

Yes. But make sure you bring
the order right back to me.

I need it A.S.A.P.

Got ya. Hey, I know this
isn't your responsibility,

but mop the rest
of this shit up.

I'll be right back.

Don't it smell
like, uh... It smell like...

No.

No. I smell weed, man.

Hey. Here you go.

This all you need? I guess.
I don't know.

Just a sec. Okay.

Damn.

Either someone's having a party, or
somebody gotta do their shirt laundry.

Here you go.

One pound of marijuana, and you
can sign for it right here.

I... I sign for this,
and it's mine?

And I take it?

Oh, yeah.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Some good shit.

Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank... you.

Look, here's... here's a little
something for your troubles.

Thank you. Thank you. Shh!

Let's not tell anyone
about it, okay?

Sure. Shh.

Hey, why didn't you tell me
you were into this shit?

We could've been hangin' out months ago.
No, no, no.

The Food and Drug Administration are
having us do a study to determine what,

if any, are the medicinal
purposes of marijuana.

Mmm. Wow.

If you ever need a
guinea pig, let me know.

My grandfather was in the
Tuskegee experiments.

Oh, really?

Anyway, thank you, janitor.
Enjoy.

Thank you, scientist.
Got any papers?

No cocktail party
would be complete without the ice plant.

Hey, fellas. What's goin' on?

What's up?
Nothin', man.

Bummin', thinkin' about Kenny.

Yeah.

I got some weed at work today,
if y'all wanna try it out.

Nah, yo. We don't feel
like smokin' right now.

Me neither. Me neither.

- So, y'all want to smoke?
- I'll get Billy Bong Thornton.

That's what I'm talkin' about.
No, Scarface.

No Billy Bong Thornton
without Kenny.

That would not be right, man.
Use Wesley Pipes. Yeah.

Man, they got a whole bunch
of this stuff at work.

One of them scientists
gave it to me.

Ain't tried the shit out yet,
but it smells like the bomb.

All right. Yeah, man. Yeah.

I'll do the honors.

Please do. Excuse me.

Yo, this shit must be good, B.

My man ain't coughed like that
since back in the day, yo.

You sure I should do this, man?

Oh, yeah. That shit
made my head hot.

Oh, man.

Pass it this way. Don't
break the cipher.

Oh... hold it. I gotta give
The Guy some of this.

The Guy gotta taste this.

Yeah. Hey, Guy.

Hey, man. Sorry to wake you,
but you gotta try this.

I'm takin' it slow, man.

Hey, who's on munchies tonight?

We should make that lazy
bitch, The Guy, go, yo.

For real. I don't know about
y'all, but I can't even move.

For real, B, right?

It's like I feel stuck here, yo.

Like I'm glued to the floor.

Oh, yeah.

You guys feel like
you're floating?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Wanna go outside?
- Yeah.

I don't need to tell
you this, but this weed was...

the shiz-nittle-bam
snip-snap-sack!

- Look!
- Wow, look at that!

Hey, guys.

Let's go check in on Kenny, huh?

You're not a fish.
You're a man.

You're not a fish. You're a man.

Where did that come from?

We've really gotta get
this guy out of jail.

You walk around on both
legs, homo erectus!

Did I say "homo"?
I didn't mean that!

Thurgood!
Thurgood!

I got it! I know how we
could get Kenny out.

How? Weed, man.

We'll sell weed.

Man, you can't up and
decide to sell weed.

You gotta know people to plug
you into that kind of thing.

I do! Who you know?

- You, yo.
- Me?

What, you think I can just
walk in and take this shit?

I gotta... I gotta get a
form from a scientist.

Well, how hard can it be, man?
There's gotta be forms laying around.

I mean, they are scientists.

What the fuck are you
talkin' about, man?

Look, I'm not stealin' weed.
We are not sellin' weed.

We are three reasonably
bright young men.

Fully, man. Word, yo.

There has got to be a legitimate
way to come up with this money.

We just gotta think.
That's all that is.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Wait. Wait. I think
I got an idea.

Why don't we sell that shit we
smoked the other night, yo?

- Yeah.
- You suggested that already.

For real, B?

Marijuana
affects the memory.

It won't take us
hardly any time, B.

Too risky, man. Stop
bein' such a wussy, yo.

- What other choice do we have, right?
- Yeah.

Okay, fine. Fine. We'll do it.

Yeah. Gonna do it till
Kenny's out, and we're done.

We're not drug dealers.
We're fund-raisers.

Of course, B.
Fully, man.

Okay.

Scarface, lay it on me, brother.

Check it out, yo.
It's like this.

Scarface's
plan wasn't that bad.

Hey, good night, Mike.
See you tomorrow.

Good night.

See, all I had
to do was get some forms...

from that scientist that
kept calling me janitor,

forge one of the forms and put
the order in like I did before.

- Thank you.
- Then we scraped together money we had...

and bought bikes to help
us move the product,

then stapled samples of our weed
on the back of our business cards.

Then we called the company Mr. Nice
Guy in honor of our friend Kenny.

Hey, uh, you guys
believe in angels or...

Man, give me your
fruit cocktail.

Well, I can't.

If I did that, then I'd have
to give it to you every day,

and I won't get all my vitamins.

- Do you know who you're dealing with?
- Chill, Nasty Nate.

He's my bitch. Anybody gonna
stab him, it's gonna be me.

You got a problem with that?

Better watch your back, Fish,

'cause Squirrel Master ain't gonna
be there for you all the time.

'Cause next time I come for you, I'm
gonna want some cocktail... fruit.

Take it.

I'm somebody's bitch.

You guys gotta do something. There's this guy
Nasty Nate who's after my cocktail fruit,

and everyone here
likes fresh fish.

And then the Squirrel Master came out of
left field and told me I'm his bitch.

Help! Ken, listen, man.
We got a plan.

What is it?

It's not the most honest
plan. You might not like it.

- We gonna sell weed, yo.
- Yeah, great. Weed. Good. Go.

All right, man. Go!

No more window love.
Go and sell it.

We figured the best way to
spread the word was to hit the streets.

And hit the streets we did.

Smoke that and get back to us.

Mr. Nice Guy has arrived, baby.

It's on. All right.

Oh, yes.

Look at all these people, man!

All right, guys. Be quick.
Let's just do this and get out of here.

Let's go, man. Let's go.
It's money.

All right, how'd
you guys make out?

Good. I'm all out of cards, B.
Me too.

That would make three of us.

All right. We did
our part, right?

I just hope they smoke it.

Damn, this weed is good.

This is so... We are
in business, man.

Calm down. Calm down.

Mr. Nice Guy. Oh, I may
have the wrong number.

Um, is Thurgood around?

Speaking. Oh, hey, hey.
It's Mary Jane.

Do you remember? I gave you
a ride home from prison?

Well, could you be a
little more specific?

I get so many rides
home from prison.

That was a joke.

Oh.

What happened? I didn't think
you were gonna call me.

Well, I wasn't, but then I decided
I don't care what my friends think.

See, that was a joke. Get it?
Oh.

A little joke.
Not funny.

So, uh, you wanna get together?

Okay. Sure. When?

How 'bout right now? Just meet me at
the place where you dropped us off at.

Okay. Can you give
me half an hour?

Yeah, half an hour's cool.
Great.

All right. I'll see you there.

Okay.

Bye. Bye-bye.

I've got a date with Mary Jane!

Word, yo?
Yes!

All right, man. Y'all got money?

The date couldn't
have come at a worse time.

I was flat broke.

All my money was tied up in
our drug-dealing venture.

I only had eight bucks. This was gonna take
some careful budgeting and maneuvering.

- Hey.
- Watch the master at work.

You look great. You look wonderful.
Thank you.

You know what? I was
thinkin' it's so nice out,

wanna go for a walk?

Yeah. Sure. We can
go for a walk.

Good. Good. Let's.

So far, so good.

Three hours and 14 miles later,
and I hadn't spent one penny.

Damn, I was good!

And then it happened.
I'm hungry too.

- Hey, you wanna eat at the Happy Palace?
- Uh, how 'bout a hot dog, huh?

Hey, what luck. Hot dog.

- Hey, what can I get you?
- Hot dog with ketchup and sauerkraut?

- Sauerkraut's 50 cents extra.
- Damn!

I have not had a hot
dog in so long.

- Come on. Let's get out of here.
- Anything to drink?

You son of a bitch!

Yes. Could I have
a Pepsi, please?

- Anything for you, sir?
- No. I'm fine. Thank you.

Greedy bastard!

Didn't you promise me ice
cream the other day?

I know a really
good place uptown.

Great. Let's hoof it.

Um, do you mind if we
take a cab this time?

Sure.

Thanks a lot, buddy.

You should be happy with
the tip I gave you. Damn.

You should be kissing my ass.
You guys are greedy.

Best ice cream in town.

Spare change for some food?
Oh.

- Don't mind if I do.
- Thanks, young brother.

No, thank you.

Mmm. Mmm-mmm. Yeah, I
mean, I do miss my dad.

But... he deserves
to be where he is.

Drug dealers belong in jail.

Yeah. Yeah, wow.

Yeah. Um, how long
he been in there?

Four years next month.
Four years.

- And what exactly was he sellin'?
- Marijuana.

Four years just for weed? Damn!

Just? No, no, no, no. Not just.

Marijuana is terrible.
It's a gateway drug.

I mean, everybody knows that
it leads to other stuff.

Yeah, mostly junk food.

You don't smoke weed, do you?

Come on, Mary Jane.

I mean, do I look like somebody
that would smoke... marijuana?

So you swear you don't?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, well, swear on this banana
split that you don't do marijuana.

What? Oh, my God.

Do you swear?

Yes, Mary Jane. I swear.

That you
got pretty eyes.

That's good.

That's real good.

I got some booty.

I got some booty.
I got some booty.

It was really good too.

Ooh, she was a giver,
a caring nurturer.

She held me in her arms, and it was
like I was 15 years old all over again.

I was hooked on Mary Jane.

The next mornin' the phones blew up like
we were havin' a fuckin' telethon, man.

Everybody in New York was callin'
to get down with Mr. Nice Guy.

We met all kinds of customers,
like this guy here.

He's what we call an
enhancement smoker,

'cause he thinks marijuana makes
every activity that much better.

- Mi casa, su casa.
- Observe.

You're Scarface, right? Yeah.

I love Al Pacino, man.

Did you ever see Scent of a Woman?
Yep.

You ever seen Scent of a Woman...
on weed?

That's the way to see it, man!
It's just whacked! Pow!

Sixty bucks, yo.
That's cool, man.

I got it. I got it.

Did you ever see the back of a $20
bill, man? Man, I don't know, yo.

Did you ever see the back
of a $20 bill... on weed?

Oh, there's some weird
shit in there, man!

There's a dude sittin' in the bushes.
Does he have a gun?

I don't know, man.
What? What?

Red team go. Red team go.

Just some weird shit, man.
Man, you're fuckin' crazy, yo.

Take your shit, dude.
No, that's cool. Thanks, man.

Hey, yo, wait! Dude, I'm gonna
check out the stars later.

It's really trippy.
Especially on weed, man.

A scavenger smoker is
someone who never has weed of their own.

But as soon as you smoke
it, here they come.

Damn! What up, dog? Man!

What's up, dogs? Scoot over.
Let me get in here, man.

What y'all doin'? Nothin'.

Nothin'? Yeah, just chillin'.

What's the matter? Let me inhale it.
Let me hit some.

All right, man. Just one
hit, you scavenger.

Always coming around.

Can't even smoke weed in peace.

I ain't even hit the motherfucker yet.
Back up, nigga.

You know we sell this?
I don't know if you knew that.

It's too bad, man. I just
stopped smokin' yesterday.

I'm gonna get up out of here. Y'all
stay up, man. Nice seeing y'all.

Yeah. Look at that shit. Man.

Then there's the
"You Should've Been There" smoker.

They love talkin' about the old
days, back when weed was grass.

Hell, back in the '60s, we used
to smoke this shit on the street.

Cops didn't say nothin'. Hell, they was
gettin' high too. Everybody was doin' it.

It wasn't the thing to do because
it was the thing to do, you know?

It was the thing to do
because it got you high.

Can you dig it? I feel you.
That's why I'm doin' it.

I feel it. Man, you're
cool as shit, mister.

I hate to do it, but I gotta charge you.
That's 60 bucks.

Sixty bucks? Yeah.

Man, I remember when a
dime bag cost a dime,

you know what I mean?
Damn.

You know how much condoms
used to cost back in them days?

How much?

I don't know. I...
We never used 'em.

We call this kid the
"After School Special" smoker.

He spends all of his
allowance on reefer.

Thanks, little buddy.

Now, in the next room, his father, an
"I'm 40, But I'm Still Cool" smoker,

is tokin' up, trying to figure
out a way to bond with his son.

Isn't that ironic?
Don't you think?

'Course across town, the kid's Nana's
smokin' up, tryin' to ease her glaucoma.

And it's good for arthritis too.

We made over 20
grand that first week, man.

And because we were stealin' the weed,
not buyin' it, it was all profit.

But if we were gonna save Kenny,
we had to deliver full-time.

Scarface quit his job.

Still waiting on
that Heifer, Julio.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. You're cool.

And fuck you. I'm out!

Brian
was gonna quit,

but they fired him
before he could.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

I'm not gonna do what
everyone thinks I'm gonna do:

Flip out, man!

All I wanna know is
who's comin' with me?

Who's comin', man?
Who's comin' with me?

Huh? Who's comin' with me, man?

- I will.
- Jan.

Thank you, Jan. Yeah.

Yeah!

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Fully, man. Yeah.

Jan, will you be my girlfriend?

I would, um, but
I'm gay, you know?

Oh.
- I'm a big dyke.

What's that like?

Thank you for calling.
Thank you very much. Bye-bye.

We had to hire that
girl Jan 'cause she followed Brian.

But it actually worked out.
Mr. Nice Guy.

She was more organized than we were,
and she was willing to work for weed.

All right, then.

Mr. Nice Guy
was blowin' up, man.

We got customers from
all over New York.

- We even stole a few from Samson.
- Oh, what's up, nigga?

Come on in, man.
Come on, weed man.

Thanks, baby.

Get on. Beat it.
You're scarin' 'em.

Ha! Sir Smoka Lot.

What can I get you today, Smoka Lot?
Love weed.

Um, let me get a pound
of your sweetest cheeba.

Damn. Yes! Somethin' told me
to bring a lot of weed, man.

Aw, shit. Pound of
my sweetest cheeba.

Don't get no better than that.
Can smell it through the bag.

That's gonna be
9,600 bucks, bro.

Let's see what I got here.

Come on, man. Hang out for a minute.
Smoke with me.

I got weed. I got my bong out.
Come on, son.

For you, man, I'll
stay for a minute.

But then I gotta
be... gotta be goin'.

I understand.

And Smoka Lot opened up
to me like I was Barbara Walters.

It was ridiculous. He
told me about his lawyer.

He had sex with my mama! Why?

His spirituality.
- God, if you listenin'... help!

His bad back.
- Doctor said I need a backeotomy.

His love life.

I'm impotent, man. Get
away from me, bitch!

I mean, talk about a guy with problems.
Tough break.

- I can't take it no more.
- No wonder he smokes a pound a week.

Somebody wanna...

So now we had a famous
clientele and...

Greeneyes gonna miss ya.

And guess what else.
Call me next week... about weed...

I got more booty!
I got more booty!

I don't mean to
rub it in, folks.

It's just that, you know,
I liked her so much, man.

When I was with her, I didn't
even think about weed.

- Didn't have to.
- Bye.

She was all the Mary Jane I needed.

What did I tell you, Nate?
Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on, Nate.

He had to stay vigilant.

Wash off your han... Kenny's
butthole was in constant jeopardy.

But we were makin' money.
Hey, what's up, man?

- What's up, man?
- What's up, boy?

What's up, yo? Nada.
I'm just chillin'.

Hey, guys. Why is there
a dog biting The Guy?

- 'Cause I bought a dog, B.
- You bought a dog?

For how much?
Oh, it's cool. Yo, he's used.

Including the house,
it was only 250, yo.

You spent $250 on a used dog?

And a doghouse, yo. Brian
bought something too.

For $400, I got Jerry
Garcia in a pouch, man.

Who the hell told you that?
The guy who sold it to me. Barry Garcia.

And what he's supposed to be?
Jerry Garcia's brother?

No. Actually, it's
Andy Garcia's brother.

Why the hell are you guys spendin' money?
We're not drug dealers, remember?

We're fund-raisers. Well, you said
you gave Mary Jane a pearl necklace.

- How much did that cost, man?
- Ah.

You know, obviously you missed
the point of that story, Brian.

- Come on, guys. Return this shit.
- We can't, yo.

Why am I tellin' Mary Jane I don't have
any money? 'Cause you're a fibber.

No, because we don't
have any money.

The money we do have
is not for spending.

It's for saving Kenny's
sweet virgin ass, man!

If you guys spend one more dime,
I swear I will bitch-slap you.

Gimme that.

I'm sorry for yelling.
But I'm serious.

We gotta start
bein' more responsible and focused.

All right? Let's be sharp.

Scarface,
your dog is mean, man.

I know, right?

Somebody gotta do somethin'
about this shit right now.

Mmm. Come here, doggie.

Hey, little fella. Smell it?

Hey! Smell it. Okay.
All right. Mmm.

Good boy.

- He likes it.
- He loves it, man.

Of course he loves it.

Yeah, your paws are
tingling, aren't they?

Now you're one of us.

Get it, Killer.

- He likes it, yo.
- Yeah, man, he really likes it.

Look at him, man.

Good for you, man.
Man, what did you guys do to him, yo?

- Nothin', man.
- Yo, Killer. Kill! Killer, kill!

This weed is fantastic!

We kept pluggin'
away with the weed deliveries,

and we kept meetin' different
kinds of smokers, like this lady.

- She's an "I'm Only Creative

If I Smoke" smoker. - Hi.

She believes weed, and only weed,
brings out the artist in her.

Would you like to hear some of my poetry?
Not really.

You really should.

"I have killed. I
have helped kill.

I have killed part of myself.
I cannot change this, I.

I must seek Buddha. I
must seek Christ."

You must seek therapy. That's what I
would go with, but that's my own...

The MacGyver smoker is
a very handy guy to have around,

especially when it
comes to reefer.

Hey, man, we're out of papers.

All right. Then get me a toilet paper
roll, a corkscrew and some tin foil.

We don't have a corkscrew.

All right. Then get me an avocado,
an ice pick and my snorkel.

Trust me, bro. I've made
bongs with less. Hurry up!

And then you got
your straight-up potheads. Ooh!

You can spot these people by
their lack of motivation,

mood swings, forgetfulness and, of
course, the dreaded low sperm count.

I don't know which one of these categories
we fall into, but I'll tell you this:

We ain't no goddamn potheads.

Hmm.

Shit.

Then you have the
avid nonsmoker.

A lot of times they'll get your number
accidentally from one of their girlfriends,

call up and place an order
knowing they don't smoke weed...

and request that you
personally deliver it.

Then when you get there, they're all
mad that it's you sellin' weed.

You smoke weed? At last
we can share everything.

Get off me, you lying son of a bitch!
What is this?

Looks like some sort
of a business card.

Yeah, with your number on it.
You know, I can't believe this!

I can't believe that I fell for another
one of you low-life assholes again.

- God, what is wrong with me?
- Hey...

Hey, Mary Jane, I can explain
everything, all right?

Good-bye, Thurgood.
Wait! Hold up!

Hey, Mary Jane!

Mary Jane, look, the only reason I
lied to you was because I like you...

and I wanted to be with you.

Mary Jane.

Knight Rider.

A shadowy flight into
the dangerous world...

of a man who does not exist.

Thurgood, why the
long face, man?

- Mary Jane dumped me.
- Shh. Quiet down, yo.

- Sir Smoka Lot's on TV.
- Cecil?

Samson, it looks like somebody
is cuttin' into your business, baby.

Shit.

Mr. Nice Guy!
Do you like what you see, Samson?

Do I look like I
like what I see?

Who is this Mr. Nice Guy?

I would imagine he's some
sort of drug dealer.

Go get me this Mr. Nice Guy.

I wanna sit him down and ask him some
questions.

Hey, Squirrel Master. Kenny.

Listen, uh, I, uh, just
wanted to say thank you...

for protecting me back there.

We didn't mind. Huh? Did we, Fuzzy Nuts?

I hope there's some way I can pay you
back when we get on the outside.

You better hurry up. I
get out in 11 days.

Is that right?

Kenny, 11 days? That seems
a little stiff, man.

Eleven days, Thurgood,
I'm as good as skewered.

Ever take your clothes off and run
backwards through a cornfield?

Ooh. Hurry, Thurgood.

I'm countin' on you, man!
Please! Please!

Eleven days wasn't
gonna give us much time.

We really had to hustle, and that
meant takin' on new customers.

Damn, B!
I been set up.

We'll get
back to that in a second.

But meanwhile I hadn't seen
Mary Jane in, like, a week.

I couldn't stop thinkin' about her, man.
I missed her.

Then I started thinkin'
about the fact that she

was the only girl I
slept with in five years.

Then I started thinkin' about the
girl I slept with before Mary Jane.

I had to get Mary Jane back.

What do you want?

I want you back, Mary Jane.

I miss you. I'll do whatever
it takes to get you back.

I can't quit sellin' it yet,
but I'll quit smokin' it.

If that's what you want, then...
then I'll change for you.

Heard that before.
Said that before.

But this time I mean it. I'm gonna
come back here. I'm gonna be clean.

I'm gonna be sober. There's no
more weed, no more nothin'.

Mary Jane, you'll see. I'll be back.
I'll be a changed man.

There's a new Thurgood
Jenkins today.

I love you.

Man, that first
day of sobriety sucked.

And I realized something.
I was a real irritable guy

when I wasn't smokin' marijuana.

I couldn't stop thinkin'
about gettin' high.

And that's when I decided
it was time to get help.

Hi, everyone. My
name is Thurgood.

Hi, Thurgood.

Hi.

I'm here today because I'm addicted...
to marijuana.

You in
here for some marijuana?

Marijuana?

Man, this is some bullshit!

Marijuana is not a drug.

- I used to suck dick for coke.
- I seen him!

- Damn.
- Now that's an addiction, man.

- You ever suck dick for marijuana?
- Huh?

- No. No, I can't say I have.
- I didn't think so.

- Boo this man!
- Boo!

No.

No!

No!

Devil man.

Devil... 666... The
mark of the beast!

No! Naughty!

Naughty jungle of love!

The
man is serious, B.

Calm down.
How serious can he be?

He wants to see Mr. Nice Guy.
He told me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, man.

No, yo!

They killed Killer, B!

Yo, Samson did this, man.

Yo, he killed Killer, man.

Hey. He killed...

I'm gonna call Brian.

Let's just give him a proper
burial, all right?

I'm sorry, man.

Jesus Christ.

Oh! I'm sorry. Watch it, man!
You stepped on his head! Yo!

I'm sorry. I didn't
even see him.

I gotta smoke. I
have got to smoke.

What happened, man?

You wanna know what happened?
I'll tell you what happened.

Samson and his girls came rollin'
up in here lookin' for me.

They said they was gonna mess me up
if I didn't bring them Mr. Nice Guy.

So they probably
roughed the guy up,

then they started goin' to
war with the apartment.

They got nunchucks, bolos.
They be doin' Indian burns.

Killer paid the price, yo.

He got the wrath. He got the
wrath of them nunchucks, yo.

I think it's more
complex than that.

- More complex than that?
- You know what I think happened?

You wanna hear
what I think, man?

First of all, to understand
what happened to Killer,

you gotta understand who
Killer the dog was.

Now, Killer was born to a
three-legged bitch of a mother.

He was always ashamed
of this, man.

And right after that, he's adopted
by this man, Tito Liebowitz.

He's a small-time gunrunner...

and, uh, rottweiler
fight promoter.

So he puts Killer into training.
Next thing you know, Killer's good.

He is damn good.

But then he had the
fight of his life.

They pit him against
his brother Nibbles.

And Killer said, "No, man, that's
my brother. I can't fight Nibbles!"

And he made 'em fight anyway.

And then Killer,
he killed Nibbles.

And Killer said, "That's it."

He called off all his fights, and he
started doing crack, and he freaked out.

And then in a rage,
he collapsed,

and his heart...

no longer beat.

Wow.

You know, uh,

I never thought I'd
say this to anybody,

But you two smoke
entirely too much reefer.

What if The Guy did it?

No way. You think?

Yo?

Yo, The Guy, did
you kill my dog?

I believe him, yo. I don't
know why, but I do.

Samson did this shit, yo.

Mr. Nice Guy, party accessories.

Well, did you get my message?

- Who is this?
- This is Samson, smarty-pants.

Operator with an
emergency breakthrough from your sister.

Samson, this is Sheila.
Mama fell...

Shut up, bitch!

You tell Mr. Nice Guy to
get his Jamaican ass...

over to my place
at 3:00 tomorrow!

Now, you don't want me to get ugly.
No, sir.

Shit. All right. I'll tell 'em.

Oh, my God.

We're in a lot of trouble.

Scarface, perhaps
you could help me.

Why do you think Samson thinks that
Mr. Nice Guy's a Jamaican?

Oh, 'cause I told him
Mr. Nice Guy was Jamaican, yo.

Why? I just always thought he
sounded Jamaican inside my head.

We're in a
lot of trouble, guys.

We have a meeting with
Samson tomorrow at 3:00.

Where are we gonna
get a Jamaican from?

I'll pretend I'm Jamaican, man.

Yeah.

You have smoked
yourself retarded.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Mr. Nice Guy.

Welcome to my lair.

Well, now. Tell me a
little bit about yourself.

Well, you know,
I be from Jamaica, man. Lord have mercy.

What part of Jamaica?

Right near the beach... Boy!

I think you're bullshitting me.

Samson Simpson, I
stick by my story!

I'm from Jamaica.

If I wasn't Jamaican, then why
would I wear this hat? Hmm?

Delilah,

get me 814.

814.

What
the fuck is 814?

I'm sorry, yo. I don't want to be the
first nigga to die from a crossbow.

You know, I have
been lying to you.

I'm sorry. Samson, I'm sorry.
Okay?

We... We just started this because
our friend got locked up.

Brother, you know how that is.
We had to get him outta jail.

Now this is what's gonna happen.

You make about 40,000,
50,000 a week.

Shit. I wish.

Well, I want half.

$20,000 a week, or you're dead!

You understand?

Twenty thousand seems fair. That
seems fair, right, guys? It's fair.

Class dismissed.

Man, we are in trouble, man.

Jerry, I really need your help, man.
Feel us...

Brian, will you stop praying to
a bag of sand, man? Come on.

You heard the man. If we don't get
this money, we're dead. All of us!

Yo, Thurgood, why don't you get your
boy, The Guy, to lend you some money?

You certainly let him stay here long
enough. Man, that's Brian's boy.

I didn't let him stay here.
I don't know him, man.

Hey, what day is it? Saturday.

Is it January?

No, man, it's August.

Oh, wow. August.

Hey, I
couldn't help overhearing you guys.

You know, if you want to double your
profits, you should just rob that lab.

Tomorrow's Sunday. There'll
be no one in there.

Just go in and rob
the place blind.

It'll work, I promise you.

Hey, uh, seein' as how we
don't know who you are,

are you plannin' on
movin' out anytime soon?

Thurgood, why don't you just
focus on one thing at a time?

I'll be fine. The robbery
is what's important now.

Wow.

Phase One is complete, yo.

All right.

Now all we gotta do is go down this
hatch to the second-floor supply room.

Grab all the weed you can
grab, and we are outta here!

Sick, man! This is it?

Let's do it.

Watch your step.

You didn't say nothin' about no door, yo.
Chill out, man.

I smoke weed here all the time.
This door's never locked.

I didn't
say the alarm would be off.

I said it never locked.
Well, hurry, yo!

You guys, wait up!

Oh.

Hold up!

- Isn't that Thurgood, the custodian?
- Yeah.

Want me to call the cops? No.
This is too much fun.

Right over here! Come on!

I hope there's some left.

Maui Wowie!

I don't even know
Spanish, nigga.

I never seen this much weed in my life!
Let's go!

Come on, man!

Get down on your knees with
your hands behind your head.

Yo, I'm gonna make
a run for it, B.

Just get down, man.

At least Brian got away, yo.

Whoa!

My nads! Oh!

Hey, thank God, man!

Get down on your knees with
your hands behind your head!

Move in.

Breaking and entering.

You got me? Open and shut.

I say we book 'em. You got me?
We book 'em.

Hey, wait a minute, guys.

It's not open and
shut, all right?

What do you guys
do for a living?

I'm a detective. Yeah,
we're detectives.

Oh. Okay then, detect.
Ask us somethin'.

What do you know about
this new Jamaican,

this Mr. Nice Guy? Yeah.

Aw, shit, yo.

Well, I heard he's got great weed,
but that's neither here nor there.

I mean, we can't bring him down.
Great weed.

But we can bring you Samson.

Just ask me how. Ask me!

How are you gonna
bring Samson down?

We got a meeting with
him in a couple days.

I'll wear a wire. Hmm?

All right, listen to me. There's
$30,000 in this knapsack.

When you get in there, give
him the 20 grand you owe him,

and with the remaining 10, buy
whatever narcotics he's got around.

You got me? You
paying attention?

No. Sorry, man.

Unless you say out loud what it
is you're buying, we got nothin'.

So make sure that you say it, and make
sure that you get Samson to say it.

No codes. No slang. Yeah.

As soon as you got the stuff,
or if anything goes wrong,

say the phrase "Abracadabra."

- Abracadabra.
- Abracadabra?

Okay. Okay. Make sure
that you are relaxed.

And just act completely normal.

- That's gonna be a problem.
- What do you mean?

I mean we haven't smoked
any weed today, man.

If the three of us go in there
all clear-eyed and shit,

Samson is gonna
know somethin's up.

Well, if you think
it's gonna help.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's gonna help.
You got a light?

Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Thanks, Officer.

I just wanna say,

that was a great idea, Thurgood.

- Wow. I mean, where do you even...
- Just smoke it, yo!

If somethin' happens
to us, could you...

could you give this letter
to Mary Jane Potman?

Sure thing, kid.

And... And tell our friend Kenny
Davis we love him. He's in prison.

Let's go. Come on. All right.
Let's move.

Just
remember to speak clearly.

Get him to say what
he's sellin' you. Yeah.

You know,
it ain't always good...

to get high before you have
important things to do.

But lucky for us, the
cops had our backs.

- Hello, boys.
- Hi, Samson.

So... where's the money?

Right here in my bag.

Um, Samson, can I
ask you a question?

Go ahead.

Do you know where we can
score some cocaine?

- You want some candy?
- Uh, no, thanks.

But it'd be great if we
can get some cocaine.

What's so funny?

Those guys... Those
guys are doomed!

I can't feel my hands!

I... I can feel them.

What we have here...

is some Colombian heaven.

Pure cocaine.

Candy makes you dandy. Hmm.

This is all the cocaine
we get for 10 G's, B?

- We have other product.
- Oh, like more cocaine?

And that is?

Fine China. Babaloo.

Looks like heroin to me, yo.
Yeah. Is that heroin?

You've got to be the dumbest dealers
in the history of the dope game.

You mean the game
that you run, yo?

Good. Just call me Jesse Owens.

Jesse, can we get some cocaine
and get the hell outta here?

- Okay.
- Can I buy some of your heroin too?

Okay.

All right. All right.

It's been a pleasure
doing business with you.

Thank you very much for the heroin
and the cocaine. Here's your money.

All right.

Abracadabra.

Yeah, man!

Abracadabra.

"You're all the Mary
Jane I'll ever need."

Abracadabra, yo!
Oh, abracadabra, man.

- Abracadabra.
- Boy, why do you keep saying that?

What? Abracadabra?

Yes. Abracadabra.

It's the latest slang. All the
kids are saying it, right?

Abracadabra, my nigga. What's up?
Abracadabra, yo.

- Abracadabra.
- Slim, take off your shirt.

Samson, Samson,
I hardly know you.

- Ladies.
- Abracadabra.

Abracadabra, man!
Abracadabra, yo!

Abracadabra! Abra...

You're dead!

All of you!

Hey, fellas, let's
beat these bitches!

Let's work it out.

Oh, yo, your titty.

- Now, that's a titty.
- Fully, man.

That is an official fully.

Aaah!

- Sure meet some mean people, man.
- Look out!

Yo, this is for Killer, B.

Surprise,
surprise, surprise.

Look who's walkin'.

Nigga, I thought you
said you was crippled.

Well, sweet pea, we're all
crippled in some way.

- Put it down!
- You win.

Now...

this is the way it's gonna work.

I'm gonna take your little
Mexican friend with me,

and I'm gonna kill him.

I'm Cuban, B. Yes, Cuban B.

- Now is there anything you want to say
to your friends? - Jerry, we need you.

Abracadabra, B!

Oh, man!

Wow.

Sucks
to be you, man!

Oh, man! Oh, man!

What did I... I told
you he was real, man.

Jerry... thank you, man.

You're welcome, Brian.

Peace.

Well, abracadabra. Whoa!

All right. What the
hell's goin' on here?

Our job is done. These guys can go
home. You guys are wasted, man.

Thurgood, Thurgood.
Nice letter.

Give me that, man.
Queer.

Everybody, freeze! Oh, shit!

Nobody moves!

Of course the
cops took all the credit for

bustin' Samson, but
that's not important.

What was important is that we cut a
deal, and Kenny was finally free.

Which brings me to
the Brooklyn Bridge,

where I had to make things
right with Mary Jane.

Hi.
Are you?

A little bit from yesterday,
you know, when Kenny got...

But-But-But, Mary Jane, listen. I'm done.
I'm done sellin' it.

I'm done smokin' it. This is
the last of it, right here.

I just wanted you to
see me get rid of it.

Could we just have
a... a moment alone?

Do what you gotta do. Be strong.

Thanks, baby.

Mary Jane,

bein' with you these past 11
years has been wonderful.

But I gotta move on.

Come on. Smoke me. We'll have a
quickie for old time's sake.

No. She's looking.

She's looking. All right.
Real quick.

No. No! It wouldn't be right.

Goddamn you!

You'll be back!

Everything work out okay?

Yeah. Mary Jane, I love you.

I love you too.

I know. I
know what you're thinkin'.

That old Thurgood
sold out, right?

I'm your girl now.

But let me tell you something.
I love weed, okay? I love it.

But not as much as I love pussy.

The End.

Hey, everybody, I'm
Dave Chappelle.

If you want to learn more about
marijuana or other illegal substances,

go to your local library.

'Cause remember, the
more you read...

The smarter you are.
Yea!

All right, man.