Original subtitles

(BIRDS TWITTER, DOG BARKS)

(CROCKERY CLANKS)

(CLANKING CONTINUES)

(ARTIE WHIMPERS)

(BLENDER WHIRRS) May, I'm doing juice.

Do you want juice?

What? Juice? Do you want juice?

No. And don't use the juicer, you'll wake Helen.

What?!

(BENDER WHIRRS LOUDLY)

Morning, Helen. How was your weekend?

Yeah. Good, thanks.

What did you get up to?

Um...made some pretty good soup.

That's nice. Yeah.

Brought the leftovers for lunch. Good for you.

Is that all?

I don't know, do you have any questions for me about my weekend?

No. I don't think so.

Alright, then.

What was that about?

Maybe she wanted some of your soup.

Maybe. It's pretty good soup.

RAYMOND: Hey, Fisk, you busy?

Ooh, I feel like that's a trick question.

If I say no, you'll wonder why I'm not busy.

If I say yes, you'll think I'm rude,

'cause I'm kind of saying, "Get out of my office, I'm busy."

You finished? Yep.

There's a Popovitch coming in at 11:00. I want you to take it.

A whatavitch? Popovitch.

Might want to hide your purse.

Purse? I'm not an old woman. Who says 'purse'?

Raymond, I need you to hide my purse.

There's a Popovitch coming in.

GEORGE: Don't really know about the social...

One of each... Yeah.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey.

Don't look now

but I think there's a clown in reception.

Is it someone's birthday?

I said don't look now.

That's Eileen Popovitch. She's your 11 o'clock.

Is she circus folk? Fun.

Hi.

Alright. Miss Popovitch,

So, I do understand...

Unfortunate...

..ly.

I...

Sorry, I think you accidentally dropped the spoon into your...

..purse. Pardon?

Never mind.

What I was saying, the problem is

I can't grant you power of attorney without your mother being present.

But she's demented. Right.

And is that why you want this authority?

So that you can make decisions about her health and wellbeing?

No, no. I need to make the decisions about money.

She can't be trusted. She's demented.

OK. Well, whether your mother is demented or has dementia,

which I believe is the preferred way of saying it,

I can't do anything...

We... I'm sorry. We need to...

That's my...

That's my diary. So...

Did you want to make another appointment?

Yes. Let's make another appointment.

Yeah.

And then you can give me power of attorney.

We'll get your mother in

and you can just help yourself to some...

..free stationery items to go with your free teaspoon.

Hey. Hello, Helen.

Hello, Roz.

How's your morning been? Good, thanks.

Sorry, did you want to use the microwave?

No, no. I'm just saying hello, having a friendly chat.

There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

No.

Sorry. I just thought we'd already had our chat this morning,

remember in reception about the soup and the...

..weekend and stuff.

There's no statute of limitations on friendly chitchat, Helen.

Put a cover on that before you put it in the microwave.

Will do.

Good morning, fine sir.

I am looking for one Ms Helen Tudor-Fisk.

Nice office.

I'm just going to pop a few of these down.

I'm doing a festival nearby.

You might want to come. Yeah. Have one for yourself.

Tell your friends.

'Cause we need ticket sales to go up as well a little bit.

Hey, there's a guy called William in reception to see you.

He says he knows you. Oh, not William Ford?

He just said William.

Handsome black guy? I don't know.

You don't know if he's black or you don't know if he's handsome?

Both. I don't see colour, or handsome.

Do you see age?

How old do you reckon he was?

Pretty old. I reckon maybe, like, 40?

Wow. That's so old.

Did he seem up himself? Yes. Definitely.

He called me "fine sir". (UNDER HER BREATH) Shit.

Fisk, I just met your ex-husband in reception.

He's quite the good-looking rooster.

Mmm...

Helen. Nah. Nah.

Come on. Out of here.

OK.

A little...friendly hug?

Why are you here? What do you want?

Oh, God. That's my boss. Get over here.

It's lovely to see you, too, Helen.

I'm actually here for the literary festival.

I have some complimentary passes.

Oh, please. As if. No.

Quickly, what do you need?

I was going through a few things and I found this.

I ordered it for your birthday last year, but, well, you know...

Then you left me for an older woman. I remember.

To be fair, Hels, you're an older woman.

Oh, h... I'm not 63.

God, you two are like Harold and Maude.

Oh, that's showing your age. Oh, here it is.

Oh... OK. Well, now I feel bad.

That is really nice. It is, isn't it?

Hey, can we get a coffee?

There's a few things I need to talk to you about.

No. I can't. Hels, please, can we get a coffee?

I just want to get a coffee. I can't. I'm banned.

Oh, of course you are.

Did you suggest there should be a limit of three takeaways

per customer?

No. But that should absolutely be the rule

especially during busy times.

Ooh, I know, did you suggest to the barista

that it's easier to froth and talk at the same time?

Again, not an unreasonable suggestion, you know?

I'm not saying you can't chat to customers,

just keep the line moving, talk and froth, people, talk and froth.

Oh, I know. Did you tell him that his...

Hey. Hey. Could you just get us some takeaways?

Yeah. OK. Thank you.

Oh, hey, I don't... I don't have my wallet.

There you go. Use my money.

It's your favourite.

I'll pay you back. Ooh, I bet.

I think it would be a terrific way to cut through.

People love videos on the internet. Yeah.

I'm not sure people love probate law videos.

Maybe if we did a cat video or...?

Ray, I was just saying

I think Gruber & Gruber should do a promotional video.

Maybe with a cat in it?

Won't be doing anything for Gruber & Gruber.

Just found out we can't trade under that name while you're suspended.

Can you get on to that, George?

Knock one of those Grubers off for me, mate?

Oh, no. You'll need a ladder.

And you might want to start with the second one.

Other it would be "& Gruber", which would look ridiculous.

Yeah. I know.

I know. I know. It's our dream.

I want shared custody of Arthur.

OK. It's 'Artie'.

And how would that work? You live in Sydney.

Well, six months on, six months off. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God, you're serious?

You just took him. We never discussed it.

Yeah. He's my dog.

You can't be content with just taking the house

and my self esteem?

You don't get it. I'm an artist, he's my muse.

Well, he's a pretty shit muse.

You haven't written anything for 10 years.

Hurtful.

Alright.

There hasn't been another novel, but I've been doing a lot of poetry,

there's been some journaling,

I'm doing a lot of talks at the library.

Wow. All inspired by my dog? Our dog.

I bought him, remember? For me. You bought him for me.

With my money.

Have you still got my wallet?

Oh... Sorry.

I forgot.

Can I get the receipt for...

I can claim it. It's a business...

Gentle. Gentle.

Is that a butterknife?

(CLANG!) Hello, Helen.

Oh, hello, Roz.

How's the weather out there? It's very good, thanks.

And how is the weather with you? What does that mean?

Have you chipped that?

Only exterior.

Yeah. But why do I have to do chitchat

every time I pass her in the office?

It's a tiny office. MAY: It's polite.

It's what people do, Helen.

Well, sorry, mate, I don't have that much chitchat.

Yeah. Course you do. Nah.

You could ask, how'd you sleep last night?

Or, what's on for the weekend or... Bored.

Have you got any suggestions, Graham?

Did you know that many European countries

enjoy their main meal of the day at lunchtime?

No. No. That's not chitchat. That's a fun fact.

I think that's more just a fact, May.

It's got to be casual, like,

"Ooh, I notice you're drinking Earl Grey tea, how delicious.

"But have you tried French Earl Grey?

"'Cause it's a little more subtle." See?

OK. Let me try again.

Did you know that wombat poo is square?

No. Stop. See, you can't start with "did you know",

because that's not chit...

Is their poo really square?

Guys, I'm actually quite tired.

Do you mind if I go to bed?

Yeah. Of course.

Actually, you do look very tired, sweetie. You should go to bed.

It's just...you're on my bed 'cause I'm sleeping on your sofa.

Which is very kind of you. But it means you have to...

..get out of my room, and I'm sending you to bed.

Go to bed.

Be like toddlers. Go on.

Ready? Go.

Good boy.

Come on in. Let me show you around.

Here at Gruber & Associates, we specialise in wills and probate.

Whether you're looking for a will

or a Helen... Helen?

Morning Roz.

Did you sleep well? Get out of my shot.

Keep moving. I'm working.

Keep walking. Go. Go. Go. Out.

I slept very well, thank you.

Morning, George. Always good to chat.

Start again.

Here.

Don't look at yourself, Roz, look at the barrel, down the barrel.

Is that there or there? I think it's there.

I've just got a couple of teas for you there.

If you need a spoon,

there's probably one in your bag from last time.

And I might just take that back to reception, I think, Mrs Popovitch.

No, no. Finders keepers.

Yep. Yep. Well, I find it, I'm keeping it.

OK. Hide that.

What are these...? Who put these here?

The old guy, the "fine sir" guy, asked if he could put them there.

Oh, no way. That's not happening.

(WHISPERS) Helen. Yeah.

Can you frisk Mrs Popovitch?

I think she's got the lucky waving cat in her pocket.

No. I'm not going to cavity search an old woman.

Cavity search? It's not in her prison pocket.

Alright.

OK...

Finders keepers.

Sure. Knock yourself out. You can have all those.

Now, Mrs Popovitch, have you agreed

to grant your daughter power of attorney?

Yes. She has. No. I haven't.

OK. Now, she's just said she hasn't.

She doesn't understand.

Let me tell her. OK.

I'm getting power of attorney today, Mother, remember? We agreed.

OK.

Do you understand what power of attorney means, Mrs Popovitch?

Yes. I do.

She wants my money because she's addicted to the eBay.

Do you know what eBay is? It's the devil's department store.

Don't say that about eBay.

I'll let...

Oh... No. No.

No. No. No. No. Can't have that. That's my phone.

I like the dog.

Well, you know what? You can have the dog. I don't care about that bit.

There you go.

Finders keepers.

Is that your dog? Yeah. That's my dog.

Best dog in the world. That's Artie.

I used to have a dog. Aww...

No... She didn't. OK.

Eileen, do you have a medical certificate

that says your mother has dementia?

Yes.

OK. Well, can I see that?

No. She ate it.

I didn't. You did, Mother.

You just don't remember.

OK. Let's just stop for a minute. Can I ask your mother a question?

Do you know what day it is today, Mrs Popovitch?

No, she doesn't. OK. I'm not asking... Just, let's...

Let her answer. Tuesday.

Good. OK.

Now, was that just a lucky guess? Yes.

OK.

She thinks every day is Tuesday.

Do you make many conference calls, Mrs Popovitch?

Mm-hm.

Alright.

Calling lots of people?

Pope Francis.

Is he a good friend?

Mmm. Yes.

Let's have a look, Roz.

Come on in. Let me show you around.

Need a will? You've come to the right place.

Here at Gruber & Associates we specialise in wills and probate.

And this, right here, is our 'state of the heart' meeting room.

And, yes, you heard me right.

I said "state of the heart"

Jesus Roz, I've got motion sickness.

Well, I had to film it myself.

Yeah. I'm glad you're keeping busy.

But the problem is you can't be the face of the company.

Fine, then you do it.

I can't do it either.

Our whole angle is the mature lady. It has to be a woman.

Ask Fisk to do it. Helen can not be the face.

Why not? She's a woman, she's got a face.

Raymond, she always looks unhappy. She never smiles.

No, I think it's just that thing, what's it called?

Angry lady face.

You mean bitchy resting face. Exactly.

Yeah. What you're doing now.

Your hair looks beautiful in this, by the way.

It does.

That's your invoice.

Invoice. Yes. Put it in the post.

We enjoy getting post.

No.

Ray said they can't leave without paying the bill.

They're not all... Where's the other one gone?

No. No. No. No. No. Mrs Popovitch, I'm going to take that from you.

Just make her take it.

Come on.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. That doesn't go...

No. Don't take the elephant.

George, she needs to...

She needs to pay that before she leaves.

No.

No! Don't take the furniture. Actually...

OK?

No. No. No.

Really? I like these.

Do you? Finders keepers.

Do you want to give me a hand? Or are you protecting the pamphlets?

Yeah. I had to protect this area.

You couldn't protect me from the Darrell Lea ladies?

I really don't want to be on camera, Roz.

Oh, well, I don't want you to be on camera either.

But by the time I jazz it up with some music and graphics

we'll hardly notice you.

So...here, try and have a read.

Try selling it to me.

Here we go. And...

Action.

At Gruber & Associates we specialise in wills and probate.

Whether you need to make a will or you've lost a loved one...

Alright. Let me stop you.

What is...? I mean, you look angry or is it annoyed?

Roz, it's just my face. It's just my face.

Try smiling.

Add some teeth.

Take the teeth away.

No, now you just look constipated.

Well, I eat a lot of cheese, Roz.

So...

..that's what happens.

(PHONE RINGS)

May? Graham?

Hang on, shh, shh. I can't...

Graham, tell May to shush, I can't hear you. What are you saying?

When? No. How long ago?

Jesus Christ. OK.

Graham, are you crying?

OK. Just calm down. Take a breath.

Yeah. I'm leaving the office now.

Alright? Just... Hang on. I'll call you back.

My portrait can stay up. It doesn't say I'm partner.

Ray, can I go, please? I have to...

Oh, hi, Roz. How is your afternoon going?

How's the weather outside?

Are you drinking tea? Is that Earl Grey tea?

Have you tried French Earl Grey tea?

I believe it's a little more subtle and therefore delicious

Fisk. Yeah.

Are you having a stroke? No.

Do you know, many European... George.

I think she's stroking out. No, I'm not. I'm chatting.

You're really not. What's the problem?

Can I please leave early? I have a family emergency.

Yes. Go. Please. Thank you. Thank you.

Do you have any plans for this evening, Roz?

Go. Yep.

To the left. Drop it.

May, it's me. What's happening?

I couldn't understand a word Graham said.

I'm so sorry, Helen.

He said he was only going to a half an hour.

Oh, my God, have you got me on speaker? One of you speak at a time.

May, you talk.

He said he was only going to be in town for a couple of days

and he wanted to take Artie for a walk.

It was William. She knows it was William.

He was wearing a checked shirt. No. I would have said plaid.

He looked very handsome. I don't care what he was wearing.

Just, what time was it? When did he take him?

Oh, about three hours ago. Four hours ago.

OK. It's fine. It's fine. I know where he's going to be.

No. I think it was more like three, Helen.

Helen?

Oh, I think she's dropped out. You'll have to call her back.

Here we go.

Now, Akiko, your poetry has been made into a film,

can you speak to that experience?

The film was a dialogue between a mother and her unborn child.

WOMAN: Helen. Helen. Helen.

Helen.

My poems were used Helen.

as the thoughts of the foetus.

What a beautiful idea. Helen.

Go on. Helen.

Sorry, I... Helen.

Yes? We got in for free.

Did you? Good.

No. I lost my train of thought.

Take a moment while I turn to William.

William, your book has won a lot of awards.

Was it 14 in total?

It was actually 15, Lindy, if you include the FUBA,

- the Favourite Ukrainian Book Award.

(AFFECTS ACCENT) Apparently I'm very popular in the Ukraine.

(LAUGHTER)

(MOCK LAUGHS)

I think we've just found the promo for our podcast.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm sorry, Madam, we'll do questions at the end.

William, could you talk about the, uh, the process?

Madam, could you please put your hand down?

Where's my dog?

Quite the existential question.

But as I am this session's interlocutor,

what I would like to know is... William. Where's my dog?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Shh. You shoosh.

Valerie, have we called security?

He's my dog. Where is he? I want him back.

It's still Tuesday, Helen.

I know. Well done, Mrs Popovitch, it is Tuesday.

Madam. Yeah. Alright.

Valerie, is it?

I might take this opportunity to... I want my dog back.

..continue the conversation.

Yeah. Alright. Well, you go first.

Perhaps to help us reset, I might ask Akiko if you would

improvise one of your famous haikus for us?

He's a dog thief.

Why don't you put that in your podcast? Arsehole.

Not you, Lindy.

Not you, Akiko.

Just you.

I'm going, Valerie. God.

Ready.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Shoosh. Oh, shoosh off.

Oh, we are in for a real treat, everyone.

Disruption

Thunder-faced woman

Shouting, crazy, "Where's my dog?"

Lady, please. Get out.

Fine. (APPLAUSE)

So accurate.

Artie. Artie.

It's my dog.

Did you want the milk?

No. Thanks. No.

Would you like some honey, sweetie? No. I'm fine.

Oh, I'm so sorry about Artie, Helen.

It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

He had a good life. He's not dead, Graham.

GEORGE: Hey, Helen. Hey, webmaster.

Roz asked me to film that video with you today.

Yeah. Fine. Whatever.

Just come and get me when you're ready.

(ON VIDEO) Losing a loved one is always difficult.

They can be stolen away without warning.

And when that happens

it can be hard to find the energy to do anything but be sad.

And that's where Gruber & Associates can help.

We take care of business, so you can take time to grieve.

Now, imagine when I put some music on that.

Something in a minor key. Play it again, George.

Hello, I'm Helen Tudor-Fisk. (HUMS IN THE BACKGROUND)

Here at Gruber & Associates, we specialise in wills and probate.

Is it going to be music or annoying humming?

And what about the cat?

I thought you said there was going to be a cat.

Hey, Helen, Popovitch alert. Popovitch alert. Come quickly.

I can't leave the station.

Oh, my favourite.

Finders keepers.

Oh, Mrs Popovitch. I'm going to take that. Thank you.

Hello. Hello, Helen.

It's Wednesday. I know.

I found something for you.

OK. She's got a strong grip.

Are we taking the cactus? Yes.

OK. We're taking the cactus.

What? (GASPS)

It's Artie.

And a lovely stool.

I found them at the festival.

Hey, Artie.

Finders keepers. Finders keepers.

Finders keepers.

Hello.

How are you?

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Hello. I'm Helen Tudor-Fisk.

And here at Gruber & Associates we specialise in wills and probate.

Losing a loved one is always difficult.

They can be stolen away without warning.

And when that happens,

it can be hard to find the energy to do anything but be sad.

And that's where Gruber & Associates can help.

(UPLIFTING PIANO MUSIC)

We take care of business

so you can take time to grieve.

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

Miaow.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation