Original subtitles

(suspenseful music)

(sirens sound)

- [Voiceover] It's time for

Live or Die.

(Cheers)

Now here's the host and star of the show,

Chuck Toedan.

(upbeat music)

(laughs)

- Hello everybody

and welcome to Live or Die,

the game show that gives those condemned prisoners

one last chance

before their final bow in life.

Now as you remember when we ran out of time yesterday,

we were about to make that final judgment

on 9372.

Let's see how he's doing today.

9372, how ya feeling?

- I'm a little nervous, Chuck!

(laughter)

- Well we won't keep you waiting any longer.

You're familiar with the rules of the game?

If you fail to answer the question correctly,

you will lose your head.

Anyone here rooting for you today?

- Well my family's here Chuck.

- Where are they?

Can we get a shot of them'?

(laughs)

- Well I never thought he'd amount to anything!

- Ready?

- Ready Chuck.

- Okay.

Your question is

what is the title of this famous movie?

Watch the monitor.

(suspenseful music)

(screams)

- God damnit, son of a bitch.

Mother fucking shit God damnit.

(indistinct cursing)

- Okay.

For an instant reprieve,

what was the name of that movie?

- I don't go to the movies much Chuck

but it could be.

- Sorry time's up!

That was Curses of the Mummy.

- Oh no Chuck.

- But wait before you lose your head,

we'll give you a chance to win some money for your family.

Now if your head falls in the basket face up,

we'll give them 10 thousand dollars.

(gasps)

Okay?

- Okay Chuck.

- Try to flip it up honey!

- Come on Dad!

You can do it!

- Okay.

Here we go!

(groans)

Let's wait for the word from our judges.

(Spooky music)

Ourjudges say it's face up!

(screams)

Congratulations, you've won!

(upbeat music)

We'll be back with more of Live or Die

after these messages.

(upbeat music)

♪ This ain't no stupid rap

♪ About some stupid crap

♪ 'It's a game show at last

♪ That'll really kick your ass

♪ If you're in the slammer

♪ Really feeling pissed

♪ This show you can't afford to miss

♪ You could win the prizes

♪ If you've got the knack

♪ But if you get the questions wrong

♪ You won't be coming back

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ But if you knew

♪ You would be no more

♪ Don't waste it brother, bye bye

♪ Yeah baby

♪ Live or die is what they call it

♪ So don't be shy

♪ Door number one, door number two

♪ Where oh where is the door for you

♪ Now is it three

♪ Get off your knees

♪ Boy don't you know

♪ You're on TV

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ It's the only way to go

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ But if you lose

♪ You will be no more

♪ The prizes here are very odd

♪ But where else can you lose

I And shake the hand oi God

♪ Now think of all the crimes

♪ Committed in his time

I Think of all the criminals just sittin around

♪ Waiting for their punishment that's overdue

♪ Where now we can give them something to do

♪ They could have fun

♪ They could win money

♪ But if they lose

♪ It's bye bye honey

♪ See you later sucker

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ It's the only way to go

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ But if you lose

♪ You will be no more

- We hate Chuck!

We hate Chuck!

We hate Chuck!

We hate Chuck!

We hate Chuck!

We hate Chuck!

We hate Chuck!

We hate Chuck!

We hate Chuck!

We hate Chuck!

We hate Chuck!

- Evening ladies!

(screams)

Thank you guys.

Take care.

(screams)

See you tomorrow ladies!

(upbeat music)

- [Voiceover] Good afternoon.

It's a killer day in LA

and you're tuned to the pulsating sounds

of Larry Lacienica on KLT FM,

the station that throbs with rock,

playing the kind of music you lovebirds out there

might just want to screw to.

We'd like to remind our alcoholic friends out there

not to drive while drinking.

You could spill it.

(upbeat music)

- Hey!

Hey you!

You're an asshole!

You're a perverted asshole!

I've been watching your show for two years

and I think it's sick!

Where the fuck do you get off

killing innocent people!

(upbeat music)

(phone rings)

_ Hello?

Yeah?

Oh shit.

Is he all right'?

Fine

What time?

Okay.

Good morning.

- Good morning.

- Do I know you'?

- You're my favorite TV host.

- You here all night?

- God you're so neat!

- Would you please leave?

- Hey I know a lot of people hate you and your show

but I'm behind you 100 percent!

- Thank you.

Are you leaving?

- Hey do you think maybe you could get my boyfriend

on your show?

He's doing 65 to life for molesting a collie

in front of a Catholic school.

- I'll see what I can do.

Now will you please leave'?

- God thanks so much Chuckie!

God Chuckie you're so cool!

Hey does it bother you if people call you Chuckie'?

I know that sometimes when you

when your band leader calls you Chuckie

you get little pissed.

It doesn't bother you that much though really does it'?

Oh Chuckie, you're so neat!

Hey, hey Chuckie.

Do you ever have sex with your contestants

before they go on your show?

- No.

They have it with each other.

- Oh wow.

I love you Chuckie!

_ Hello?

Yeah.

We might have a bit of a problem with one of our contestants

number 1768.

Nothing too serious.

I got a call from his warden this morning.

It seems he was gang raped in the cell last night.

Well he's a little tired.

Oh no he'll still go on.

He just won't be sitting.

(upbeat music)

- Come on kids!

Come on.

Hi!

Hi!

Hi sweetheart!

Have a nice day!

Hello, have a good day!

Bye!

Let's go!

You, ain't you'?

You are, you're the host of that indecent,

inhuman, immoral fucked up TV show!

Don't you have any sense of responsibility?

Don't you know that killing is murder'?

I hope you rot in hell!

- Chuckie!

It's Chuckie!

Can I be on your show?

Please, please, please Chuckie?

- Dinko, leave me alone!

- Oh please Chuckie!

I could be good honest.

I'm very photogenic.

Come on Chuckie, can I'?

Can I'?

What a neat guy!

- Morning Mr. Toedan.

- Hi.

(soft music)

- Good morning Mr. Toedan.

- Morning Mr. Toedan.

(soft music)

- Fuck you Mr. Toedan.

(soft music)

- Good morning Mr. Toedan.

- Did you see this?

- Yes I did.

- Well,

why haven't you taken measures to get rid of it'?

- Well it's happened so often

I thought you'd be used to it by now.

- Well I'm not.

What's on the agenda for today?

- Well let's see.

After today's taping,

you have to go over to channel seven.

You're doing the Roy Montecue show at five.

- Oh damn I forgot about that damn show.

- Can't get out of it now.

You agreed to do it.

- I know, I know.

Anything else?

- We had two more bomb threats.

- Just two?

Might be a good day after all.

(upbeat music)

Welcome back to Live or Die.

For those of you whojustjoined us,

we're waiting for 1768 to make the decision of his life.

Well pal,

what did you decide?

Are you gonna take the envelope that's in my hand

or are you gonna go for the curtain

that lovely Shanna Shallow is pointing to?

(Cheers)

- I think I'll go with what's behind the curtain.

- The curtain?

You're sure now?

(Cheers)

. Yes, yes I'm sure.

I guess.

- That's too bad

because in the envelope we had for you

a stay of execution!

(groans)

That's right!

A perfectly legal reprieve signed by the governor himself

so back to the governor's desk it goes

and let's see what you traded it for

behind the curtain!

(upbeat music)

- No!

- Yes, that's all for you!

Don Stewart, tell us about it!

- [Voiceover] Well Chuck every man dreams

of being well-hung

and that fantasy's about to come true

for 1768 with the new ponderosa model 4000 pound

test strength rope from the Yankem High rope shop

of Gallows, Montana

and the noose was specially hand-bound and braided

by our friends over at Nod Landing

and to guard against those unsightly rope burns,

this package comes complete with a 100 percent

wool silk-lined designer hood from Bigger and Bigger

of Beverly Hills.

This is all yours compliments of Live or Die.

Total value of this deal is worth

your life!

(Cheers)

- Rest in peace, buddy.

Don't go away,

we'll be back with more of Live or Die

after these special words of interest!

(upbeat music)

- We asked San Quentin inmate 2811

to help us out with our cheesy taste test.

Now tell me,

is this the taste of real cheese spread

or imitation?

- Tastes like real cheese to me, Don.

- How about this one'?

- This is a little salty.

Ew, it's very bitter.

This is the imitation cheese.

- Not quite.

This one is Rodento,

our cheese-flavored rat poison

guaranteed to kill rats dead in 30 seconds

or your money back.

The delicious cheese flavor attracts little varmints

and then when they take just the smallest bite,

they're history.

Just like old 2811.

Now if our product can work this fast on a human being,

imagine how it'll work on that tiny little mouse

or rat.

Rodento, one bite and it's mouse heaven.

- And that is just a sample

of what goes on a KSIK.

Now I believe the clips we've just seen

were taped earlier today'?

- That's right, Roy.

We tape three shows a day.

- Doesn't it bother that you're killing people?

- These people are already on death row.

Their lives are basically over.

We give them a chance.

A way to be somebody,

a way to be entertaining before they go.

- How can you call that entertaining'?

I mean who can sit and watch people die?

- Our ratings go through the roof.

Why do you think we've been on so long?

This is what the people want to see.

- Excuse me for interrupting

but we have another call on hold.

Go ahead.

Hello, you're on the air.

- [Voiceover] Hello'?

- Yes, go ahead.

- [Voiceover] Hi my name is Fina Tomboso

and I'm calling from Glendale.

- That's a lovely name, Fina.

- [Voiceover] Thank you.

Anyway I'm calling 'cause I wanted to tell Mr. Toedan

it's not a bad thing that he's doing.

- What?

- [Voiceover] He is in essence doing the Lord's work.

Life as we know it is a transitional stage

and death is God's way of saying

take a break.

- Well thank you very much

for your view.

- That's an example of the types of people

who watch your show, fruitcakes.

- Now, now Ms. Sternvirgin.

You don't have to resort to name calling.

I'm sure Ms. Tomboso is a fine, outstanding,

God-fearing young lady.

- You honestly believe you're doing a public service?

- Since our show's been on the air,

there's been a drop in violent crimes

by 30 percent.

Doesn't that account for anything?

- And your vanity leads you to believe

you're responsible?

You're a jerk!

- Listen you stupid bitch.

(gasps)

Can I say stupid'?

We give those convicts a fighting chance,

we give them something to look forward to

and we give their families great prizes

if they lose

so don't start condemning things

unless you research the facts.

- We do have another call waiting.

Hello, you're on the air.

- [Voiceover] You know, I'm Judy calling.

- What's on your mind Judy'?

- [Voiceover] I'm just wondering if Mr. Toedan

would remember me.

My papa was killed on his show about two years ago.

- What was your name again dear'?

- [Voiceover] Judy Rodriguez.

My papa was 50093.

I met you briefly after the show.

- Gosh hon, I sure don't.

- [Voiceover] His segment was bobbing for scorpions.

He got two out of three, remember'?

- Wait a minute.

He had the long, greasy mustache

the scorpions kept sliding off.

- [Voiceover] Yeah that was him!

(laughs)

- That was a funny show!

How could I forget?

(laughs)

We use that segment every year on the best of

Live or Die.

(laughs)

- [Voiceover] I just wanted to thank you

for my father.

- Thank him'?

- [Voice-over] Oh yes-.

Papa always wanted to be on the television

and make people laugh

and Chuck Toedan gave him the opportunity.

- Well what did you get out of it'?

- [Voiceover] We got a betamax copy of the whole show

so we can enjoy Dad's death over and over again.

Thank you Mr. Toedan

for helping my papa become immortalized.

- You're very welcome my dear.

- We've still got time for one more call.

Go ahead please, you're on the air.

- [Voiceover] You're dead meat, Toedan.

- Who is this?

- [Voice-over] Tonight-.

- I'm really sorry.

Usually our calls are screened.

- Think nothing of it.

I get 47 phone threats a week.

There are people out there who hate me.

- There are people in here who hate you too.

- People have been trying to kill me for a long time.

It comes with the territory.

- You mean you've actually gotten attempts

on your life?

- Constantly.

- That's really incredible.

Well we are out of time.

Thanks for coming by

and taking the time to say hello to us.

Act of God,

act of mad man?

Who's the judge?

Our guests have been game show host,

Chuck Toedan

and Gloria Sternvirgin,

leader of WAAMAF,

women against anything men are for.

I'm Roy Montecue, goodnight.

(soft music)

You really told that bitch.

- Hey meathead!

- You talking to me'?

- I don't see any other meatheads around here.

- Keep looking I'm sure you'll attract them.

- Not unless you brought your wife.

- I'm not married.

- I'm not surprised.

- Well it's been a pleasure debating with you

but the show's over

and I'm a very busy man.

- Oh working on a new game show perhaps,

Raping for Dollars'?

- Not bad.

Submit it to my writing staff.

- You're a pompous ass.

- We all have our faults Ms. Sternvirgin.

I'm a pompous ass,

you're an unattractive woman.

(screams)

- What the hell do you think you're doing?

(upbeat music)

That man had a gun!

- So does this man.

(upbeat music)

Want to let go?

- Fuck you, you're done man!

- No I'm not.

(upbeat music)

- Who taught you to drive, Ian Fleming?

(upbeat music)

You know you're a lunatic.

I think you hurt those men.

- Those men could have hurt us.

- Those men should have hurt you.

- Well thanks for tagging along.

You made it all worthwhile.

Now get out.

- What am I supposed to do out here'?

My car's parked back at the TV station.

- You know what they say in Poland?

Talk shitsky.

- I'm not getting out.

Look, you pulled me into this thing.

That's kidnapping.

So you want to tell me why I almost got killed tonight?

- You got time for a flashback?

- It's your pan)'-

- About six months ago,

I had a mafia boss on as a contestant on the show.

As you know,

9899 here has a tiny motion detector

connected to the end of his wang dang doodle.

It in turn is connected to our 50 thousand volt generator,

powerful enough to light the entire city of Ithaca,

New York.

In a moment,

our lovely Shanna Shallow will come out

and perform the dance of the seven boners

in front of you.

If you truly have a will of iron,

you will survive this game.

However, if your little turtle moves ever so slightly,

Zapparooney!

Ready?

- Get me off this fucking show!

- Too late for that pal.

You signed a waiver.

Let's begin!

(applause)

(Sultry music)

(buzzer rings)

- Congratulations, time is up!

You made it!

What a display of willpower!

- It's mind over matter Chuck.

- I'm proud of you!

(machine whirs)

So ever since then they've been after me.

- Well I hope next time maybe they'll succeed.

You're perverted.

Dance of the seven boners?

Geez.

- I like to be fresh for my man.

He likes me to be fresh.

He always fresh with me so why shouldn't I be

fresh for him'?

Who wants a stale woman'?

Not my man

and certainly not yours.

That's why I use the best feminine hygiene on the market.

There's nothing to mix,

nothing to measure.

It's completely disposable

and comes in handy little bottles.

- [Voiceover] Brought to you by the friendly bottlers

of Kinka Cola.

- Howdy friends.

I'm Spaz Tarrington

and I want to show you some dandy looking women.

Tired at sitting home alone at night

pulling the taffy'?

You say you want the kind of woman that'll

get your cooter to dripping?

Well friends,

come on down to Tarrington World

and pick out the model of your choice.

Acres and acres of women to choose from.

Take one home,

try her for 10 days.

Not satisfied?

Bring her back for another model.

What if she doesn't like you?

Bring her back for another model.

If your mother doesn't like her,

if she drools when you kiss her,

if she develops acne,

bring her back.

Hey and friends,

if you marry a girl from me,

hey I got a free gift for you!

You're gonna need this.

- [Voiceover] The accident which occurred earlier

this evening,

seems to be the fourth this month

involving the members of the crime syndicate

once lead by Don Guido Spumoni.

Spumoni, you may recall,

was executed last May on the popular TV game show,

Live or Die.

These two are being arrested on suspicion

of organized crime,

suspicion of carrying illegal weapons,

suspicion of grabbing a moving vehicle,

suspicion of falling on the pavement,

and suspicion of being suspicious.

- Don't think that this is the end!

You are a dead man!

I'm done talking.

- [Voiceover] The Spumoni syndicate was

and still is the most lethal organization in existence.

A group of murderers and sadists

whose motto is death be not proud

but murder be zippadeedodaday.

Whoever these guys claim as a dead man,

we can be sure he is a dead man.

(suspenseful music)

- [Voiceover] This is a dream.

For the next three minutes,

this brain will conduct a dream for the

central nervous system.

This is only a dream.

(suspenseful music)

- They're going to kill you.

(suspenseful music)

- I'm not afraid!

(suspenseful music)

- Are you afraid of dying'?

(suspenseful music)

- I'm afraid of no one.

(suspenseful music)

- Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

(suspenseful music)

- Who are you?

- Don Guido Spumoni

and I'm gonna kill this son of a bitch.

Him kill my ass.

(suspenseful music)

- It's not my fault!

- It is your fault.

(suspenseful music)

- Since I'm a die on his show,

I'm going to kill him back.

- It's just a game!

(suspenseful music)

- It's an omen.

You kill me,

I kill you.

(suspenseful music)

Tough for the titties.

(suspenseful music)

But your men are all in jail!

- They can't hurt me now!

- I got him in here.

You're gonna die Toedan!

(laughs)

You're gonna die!

- Don't think that this is the end!

You're dead!

- I hope you die sleaze-bag.

- You are a dead man!

(suspenseful music)

- I'm afraid of no one.

(suspenseful music)

- [Voiceover] This concludes our dream.

We now return to your regularly scheduled life.

(upbeat music)

- Chuckie, Chuckie, Chuckie!

Hey let me be on your show!

Please Chuckie I'm really talented.

- Dinko, not today.

- Oh come on Chuckie!

Please let me be on your show.

Come on Chuckie!

- Dinko you have to be a convict to get on the show.

- I can do that.

What do I have to do'?

Steal something?

- It's a little more complicated that that.

- What does it take'?

I can do it!

- Look you have to be on death row, okay?

Now leave me alone.

Any messages Trudy'?

- Yes sir Mr. Toedan.

Two I believe.

A lady called asking for Lisa Whittman.

- Who's Lisa Whittman?

- I don't know sir.

- Well what happened then?

- She apologized and then hung up.

- Trudy?

- Yes sir.

- Isn't it possible that this could have been

a wrong number?

- No sir it rang right here.

- What about the other call?

- Other call?

- You said there were two calls!

- Oh yeah.

A lady called asking for Lisa Whittman.

- You told me that already!

- She must have called back.

(soft music)

(speaker buzzes)

- Yeah?

- [Trudy] Call for you on line two.

- Who is it?

- [Trudy] He won't give his name.

- Toedan here.

- [Voiceover] You are a fucking dead man!

- Look, you guys have been trying to kill me for

six months.

Don't you think it's time to call it quits?

- [Voiceover] Not while you're still breathing.

- I'll tell you what,

let's talk money.

I'm sure someone is paying you to hit me.

What if I can meet their price?

- [Voiceover] I don't take bribes.

- It's not a bribe.

Let's negotiate,

why don't you just come by the station

and we'll talk it over.

- [Voice-over] Okay

but no tricks.

I'm bringing my ma.

You think you can get on that Make Your Big Deal?

- Well that's not my show.

That tapes next door.

- [Voiceover] Mama wants to be on Make Your Big Deal

and you want to talk!

You make mama happy and maybe I make you happy.

- I'll see what I can do.

Goodbye.

Trudy call studio b and see if you can get me

some tickets for Make Your Big Deal.

- Gloria Sternvirgin right?

- Yes that's right.

Is Mr. Toedan in?

- I saw you on the Montecue show.

You sure held your own with the old man.

He really had it coming.

- Trudy I need three copies of these.

- There's someone to see you.

- Got a minute'?

- Not for you.

- It's very important.

- Need someone to proofread your picket signs?

- I wouldn't let you proofread M&M's.

- Why are you here?

A love letter?

I'm flattered.

What's this have to do with me?

- I found this in my mailbox this morning.

Someone must have followed me home last night

thinking I'm tied into this with you!

- Tied into what?

- Whatever it is you're involved with!

Listen, you tell those sadistic friends of yours

that you are not my boyfriend

and that I've got nothing to do with you

or any of your sick projects.

Got it'?

- Why would anyone think I'd have anything

to do with you?

- Obviously they mistook you for someone with class.

- Well thanks for dropping by.

I'll personally see to it

that everyone knows we hate each other immensely.

Hey Luigi, you think they would take me for make a big deal?

- Hey I don't know Ma

but that's a good costume.

You know they use the big people in the good costumes.

- Yeah, this is good costume!

- So you know Ma,

you don't need

any cost or nothing.

I can get it for free.

You are such a good boy.

- May I help you?

- Yeah, two things.

Where's this Chuck Toehead

and where's this Make Your Big Deal show?

- Mr. Toedan is in his office

and Big Deal tapes in studio b.

- Okay Ma come on.

Sit here Ma.

I'll be right back.

- Such a good boy!

- Wait a minute.

You can't walk in there.

He has someone in there!

It's the third door on the left.

- It's been a wonderful association.

Let's make it a point to do it again real soon.

Excuse me I was just leaving.

- No you're staying.

- No I don't think so.

- Hey I think so.

- Listen you probably think I'm involved with him.

I'm not.

- Sit down!

- I think I'll stick around.

Mind if I stick around?

- Why don't you stick around?

- Yeah I think I will.

- Shut up!

The both of you.

You know me?

Know me now?

(gasps)

Now you know me?

- Luigi CT Pappalardo.

- Now you know me.

- What's the CT stand for'?

- Cut throat.

- Well you know I wasn't supposed to be

here anyway to just.

- Shut up!

You're here.

Okay, now we're gonna talk.

You got my tickets for Make Your Big Deal.

- No problem!

Trudy'?

' [Trudy] Yes?

- You got my Deal tickets?

- [Trudy] I spoke with Marty Quarter's secretary-.

She said your guests just need to mention your name

at the door and they're in.

- Did you bring your mother'?

- She's with your secretary.

- Trudy dear, would you see to it

that Mrs. Pappalardo gets into the show?

- [Trudy] You got it.

(laughs)

Mrs. Pappalardo?

Mrs. Pappalardo?

Would you care to follow me?

- I gotta go Peepee now.

- Okay but first let me get you into the Big Deal line.

- Oh wonderful!

That's my favorite show.

Think they like my costume?

You think they pick me for the big deal?

- I don't know.

Shall we go'?

- Oh good I need a refrigerator.

- Now I'm gonna tell you

a little story.

Once upon a time

there was this game show host.

And one day he killed a very important man

and he killed him in a very disrespectful

you might say, shameful,

you might say humiliating way

and a lot of people they loved that man.

They loved him like family.

So they decide that this game show host

should be removed

so he doesn't do something like this again.

- Look, Spumoni was a condemned man.

He was on death row!

- Don't interrupt!

So what do his friends do?

They hire the best hitman in the world,

not the country,

the world.

Who do they hire?

- Luigi Pappalardo.

- That's right, Luigi Pappalardo.

And why do they hire him?

- Because he's the best in the world!

- That's right.

Now Luigi Pappalardo

has a bunch of first rate men

that work for him.

These men are capable of handling his light work.

These men have been trying to rub you out for months.

What happens?

- You let me go.

- What happens is

you escape them all.

So now I wonders

how does he always get away'?

(laughs)

And that's why I'm here.

- Hi Trudy who's this?

- Friend of Chuck's,

can you get her on the show?

- Sure.

- There you go.

She'll take care of you now.

- Okay ma'am why don't you stand right here in line

and it'll be just a few minutes.

- Where's the bathroom?

- Okay you go back through this studio,

down the hall

and it's to your right.

- Now you see how easy it is for me'?

I'm the best

so how come it's so easy for me

and the rest of my men can't do it?

- 'Cause all your men are geeks.

- Because you're the best!

- That's right.

Now earlier,

you offered Luigi a bribe.

Luigi don't take bribes.

- It wasn't really a bribe, it was a.

- Bribe!

- Yeah I guess it was.

- Now sitting here, talking to you,

I realize why you survived so long.

You're a smart guy.

I'm even beginning to like you.

So I'm gonna make you a deal.

Now Luigi he don't take bribes

but he takes protection money.

What say you pay me a small fee once a year

and I make sure you protected'?

- I really don't want protection.

- You want protection from me!

(soft music)

We gots a deal.

We'll work out the dollars and cents after

I eat something.

- After you eat'?

- You don't expect me to extort on an empty stomach do you'?

Oh yeah, one more thing.

(soft music)

I can only save you once

so don't never, ever, ever

kill a member of the Spumoni people.

If you do then we have to hit you.

- But there are a lot of those people

on death row.

If they get on the show

I have no control over the outcome of the game!

- I don't care about your game.

I care about our people.

- Besides, I never know who the people are.

We only go by the numbers.

- I just tell you,

you kill any more of the Spumoni people

and your number?

It's up.

(soft music)

- Excuse me.

- Excuse me ma'am.

Are you lost'?

- I can't find the show!

- Right this way.

- That's a good boy.

- Oh yeah.

What time does my mom get out of that

Make Your Big Deal'?

- There show tapes about the same time our's does.

Oh shit!

I'm late!

- Where you going?

- My show tapes now.

L gotta go!

- What time does my mama get out?

- In about an hour.

I really gotta go.

You want to come and watch?

- I hate your stupid show.

- If it matters any,

so do I.

- Get out of here.

I gots about an hour to kill

before I gotta pick up my mom from that game show.

What says I take you across the street

to Machellfs?

Nice little Italian joint.

Luigi would like to buy you something to eat.

- Gloria's not hungry.

- Luigi insists.

- Gloria would rather not.

- Luigi would be insulted!

- Oh well Gloria would be boring company.

- Luigi will take the risk.

- Gloria won't.

- Luigi is getting pissed off.

- Oh well Gloria could do a little bit of a snack.

- Hey I thought so.

Come on over here.

(laughs)

- It's incredible how we all picked the same costume.

I hope we all get picked for the show.

- What do you mean he just ran into make up?

We've got people on platonium time here.

Fine, fine, it's his money anyway.

Let's do the commercial.

- We have here Mrs. Elda McKinley who we've flown in

from Fort Wayne, Indiana.

She's going to help us with our Glamour Ex Tape test.

Now Mrs. McKinley,

I want you to tell us is this the live sound

of your son Louis

or the sound of Glamour Ex Tape?

- [Voiceover] Mama, Mama, help me Mama!

They've got me strapped in this electric chair!

- Oh my baby!

- Keep listening.

- [Voiceover] Mama, help me Mama.

Jesus Christ Mama, he's gonna pull the switch!

(gasps)

- Well was it live'?

Or was it Glamour Ex?

- It's, it's not live.

Please God it's not live!

- I'm sorry

but it was live

however your son's probably not anymore.

She hasn't seen her son for five years

but she can enjoy those sounds forever

because we recorded the event on new, improved

Glamour Ex Tape.

As Mrs. McKinley can tell you,

it's the next best thing to live.

(Cheers)

- We should be starting very soon.

Our host seems to be running a bit late.

- We're in no hurry.

- Sorry everyone!

(applause)

- No problem Chuckie.

- Okay let's do one!

- Here we go,

five, four, three, two.

- One bottle of your finest house wine.

Hey.

Do you believe in love at

first sight?

- No, actually there's no such thing.

Most cases of love at first sight

are usually mistaken impulses that

accompany high blood pressure

and hardening of the arteries.

- You give me a hard artery.

(laughs)

You know, my whole life I've been searching for a woman

like you.

A woman with your eyes,

your face,

your boobs.

- I always did attract the classy ones.

- And rightly so!

You know Luigi really likes you.

- How nice.

I like you too.

- You got it!

We shares our emotions.

I showers you with wealth,

I take care of you

and hey, I got a pecker like a hat rack

(laughs)

(coughs)

That gets you excited, huh?

- Okay, ready for the next question?

Hands on buzzers.

Who is it who invented the electric toothbrush?

(buzzer vibrates)

(laughter)

Well it looks like our friend here

was caught by the instant out zapper buzzer.

As you know,

that means we bring in a new contestant

for our next round.

So Don,

who do you have for us'?

- [Voiceover] Well Chuck she's a lovely old lady

from Attica State Prison

who's been just dying to get picked.

Please welcome.

We can't find her number Chuck.

- No problem Don.

- Where's Marty?

- Well now,

you seem a bit old to be on death row.

- I really need a refrigerator.

- Aw!

- Okay contestants.

Hands on buzzers.

Who is it

who really needs a refrigerator'?

(buzzer rings)

Well now that was easy wasn't it?

You've won a shot at the big prizes.

Come on down!

(upbeat music)

You guys can take a break.

You'll get another chance soon.

(upbeat music)

Well are you ready to shoot for the big prizes?

You'll get your chance soon,

when Live or Die returns after these messages.

(Cheers)

(upbeat music)

- Let's go in one minute.

We'll be moving to remote cameras.

You folks can watch on the monitors.

(upbeat music)

- Has that ogre left my office yet?

- He just left with Ms. Sternvirgin.

- I was referring to Ms. Sternvirgin.

- What's she doing up there?

- Paying her debt to society,

what do you think?

- But Mr. Toedan,

I don't think.

- [Voice-over] 10 seconds, Chuck!

- Time is money.

Gotta go!

- But Mr. Toedan!

- Come on Chuck!

We're ready to go!

- Mr. Toedan!

- Trudy, I'll talk to you later.

- Here we go, five, four, three.

- Two times a night.

(laughs)

(soft music)

Sometimes two and a half.

You're gonna love your Italian lover.

- Well I'm conservative.

- Religion means nothing to me.

(soft music)

When I love somebody,

they stay loved.

You are lucky, lucky girl.

- Why me?

- There's only been one other woman in my whole life

for me.

- Well I'm sure if you went back to her,

she'd welcome you with open arms.

- Of course she would.

She's my mother.

(laughs)

I'd kill for her.

I have killed for her.

And I kill for you.

(soft music)

It's almost time for my mom to get out of that show.

I want you's twos to meet.

You got so much in common.

- I can't imagine what.

- You're both my favorite women

and you're both so beautiful.

(soft music)

- Okay, you know what to do.

You have to get these two cans of gas

to the end of the track.

If you can do that unruffled,

we have some great prizes for you

and if you can do it in less than 60 seconds,

we'll throw in a free two year stay of execution!

- What's that?

(laughs)

- That means you can come back

and do this all again some day!

Ready?

Okay, here we go!

(drum roll)

Ready,

set,

90!

(upbeat music)

(explosion)

Well, we almost had a winner.

What a gal.

While our crew is putting out the fires,

we'll say goodbye for now.

I'm Chuck Toedan for Live or Die, goodnight!

- Hey good show today.

- Yeah, felt good to me.

Feel good to you?

- Pacing was good.

One thing though.

- What?

- That contestant.

- Which one?

- The one who blew up.

- Oh yeah she was sweet, wasn't she?

- She was sweet.

- Well?

- I don't think she was supposed to be

a contestant.

- I don't need to hear this from you, Trudy.

You know my policy.

Anyone on death row can be a contestant,

man OI' woman,

young or old,

I do not discriminate.

- Chuck, can I talk to you for a minute?

I can't seem to find the release forms on

that contestant.

- What contestant?

- The old lady.

Nobody seems to know where she came from.

We can't find any record.

- That's ridiculous.

She came from Attica Prison.

- Her uniform came from Attica Prison.

- Don't bother me with details.

She lost anyway.

Trudy,

why don't you think she was supposed

to be a contestant?

- Because she was supposed to be

on Make Your Big Deal.

That was Mrs. Pappalardo.

(laughter)

- That's funny.

(laughter)

That's really funny Trudy.

(laughter)

For a moment there,

I thought you were serious.

(laughter)

- I was serious.

(laughs)

- Stop it Trudy, will you'?

(laughs)

You will stop it, won't you?

(laughs)

Trudy'?

- I put her in the deal line just like you told me.

- If you put her in the deal line,

what the hell was she doing dressed as a convict

on my show?

- That was her costume.

I don't know how she got on the show, honest!

- Oh I showed her the way.

- You what?

- She was roaming in the halls looking lost.

I know how you feel about late contestants.

(screams)

(burns)

(soft music)

- Yeah I'm basically a go-getter.

When I want something,

I get it.

I remember once

I was seven years old

and I found this lost puppy

and I loved that puppy

and my mama wouldn't let me keep it.

So I killed it.

(laughs)

- Well it's getting late.

- Hey I understand.

You gotta go but wasn't this nice?

- Yes, very nice.

I'll never forget it.

- Couldn't you just do this forever'?

- And a day.

- You mean it'?

- Can we go now'?

. Hey everybody!

She asked me to marry her!

Oh God!

- How about this?

- Yes?

- We tell him his mother killed herself

'cause she didn't get picked for Deal?

Too soap opera huh?

- Don't talk Trudy.

Just don't talk.

- Well I'm just trying to help!

- Don't help!

- Why are you getting mad at me?

I didn't kill his mother!

- Wait a minute.

Maybe we can edit that portion out of the show.

Then there'll be nobody for them to pin it on me.

Ed?

- [Voice-over] Yo.

- Do me a favor?

Queue up the last five minutes of the show

we just did.

- [Voice-over] Why?

- I'm thinking of editing the old lady out.

- [Voiceover] Editing her out?

That was the best part of the show.

- Don't argue with me.

I've got my reasons.

How long will it take for you to queue it up?

- [Voiceover] Give me a few minutes.

- Hurry UP-

I gotta see it now.

- See what?

- Nothing!

(laughs)

- Excuse me I'm just.

Nice shirt.

- Hey guess what?

. L give up!

- Me and the little bitch are gonna get hitched.

- Hitched, you mean married'?

- That's it.

- It's nothing like that.

What happened was.

- Hey, hey, hey, just stand and look cute

you pretty broad.

- Congratulations!

- Hey thanks, I'm so excited.

I gotta take a dump.

Where's the can?

- Over there.

- Hey, thanks, I'll be right back.

- Do you have any idea what you've done?

- What I've done?

- Thanks to you,

I've had the pleasure of dining with a human rectum.

- Lady, I got my own problems.

(grunts)

- Listen, you tell that charm school drop out

in there that I'm not interested.

- Leave me alone.

(grunts)

- [Luigi] Geez, that looks just like Florida.

- You know I thought I had problems before

but they were minor until I met you.

Thanks to you,

I have been shot at,

threatened, humiliated, and wined and dined

by the poster child for assholes.

Now the son of a bitch thinks I'm gonna marry him.

You better get me out of this one.

If I don't marry him,

he'll kill me.

- Well when he finds out what happened to his mama,

he'll kill me.

- His mama?

(grunts)

- [Luigi] Oh I don't remember eating walnuts.

- Look I'm really sorry you got involved in all this

but nobody told you to protest my show

or ride in my car

or come here today.

- I don't care.

You tell grunt face in there that I'm not gonna have

anything to do with him!

' He)' YOU guys gotta see this!

What a masterpiece!

(laughs)

Hey Toehead!

Gloriabitch!

The hell you hiding?

- [Voiceover] Okay Chuck we're ready to roll it.

It should be coming up on the monitor now.

- Yeah this must be Make Your Big Deal.

(soft music)

(explosion)

Mama!

(soft music)

- [Voiceover] Is that okay'?

- Was what okay'?

- [Voice-over] The playback.

(soft music)

- You killed my mama!

- I didn't know who she was!

- You killed my mama!

- How about a free copy of the show on tape?

- You killed my mama!

- She was pretty old anyway!

(glass smashes)

- Oh my God!

Is he dead?

- No but we will be when he comes to.

- Well you gotta kill him.

- Kill him'?

I'm not a murderer.

- Oh come on you kill people on your show all the time.

That's different!

- How is that different?

- They're convicts on death row!

- So what'?

(glass smashes)

(screams)

- I can't murder him and that's final!

(suspenseful music)

Okay folks let's move on

to our next segment.

Let's see

8981 can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Okay, you'll notice in front of you,

a bunch of building blocks.

When properly assembled,

they spell out the words I want to live.

Your job is to assemble those blocks

in the shortest amount of time.

Ready,

begin.

(upbeat music)

What he doesn't know is that he's slowly sucking out

all the oxygen from the booth

as he gets the blocks assembled.

So he better hurry.

(upbeat music)

Well it looks like our friend has run out of air.

Too bad, we were all rooting for him,

weren't we?

(Cheers)

Well, it looks like we're running out of

air time ourselves

so that's it for this segment of Live or Die.

I'm Chuck Toedan, goodnight!

(upbeat music)

- [Voice-over] And we're out.

- Chuck, this is really weird.

- What is'?

- Well I can't find any release forms on this

convict either.

Second time that's happened today.

- Don't talk to me about it.

That's for our filing department.

Did you watch it on the monitors?

It's all over.

(soft music)

- Oh Chuck.

Oh Chuck.

Chuck, Chuck.

Is your mind on something else?

- Whatever gave you that idea?

- Just a feeling.

(suspenseful music)

(hu ms)

- What the hell is this?

- No one's got permission to speak here.

- Hey where the hell am I?

- You're supposed to be in heaven.

- Ma!

Ma!

Mama!

Toedan, I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch.

- Well wait a minute.

You're not supposed to leave here.

I was told you were dead.

- I'm giving it up Ed.

The show is just too much for me.

Think I'd rather deal in something a bit calmer.

Death and convicts are beginning to take

their toll on me-.

- Oh but you can't quit now.

We have a contract with the network.

- You can find a new host.

- Oh but the show is you.

. I'm sorry Ed.

My mind's made up.

- [Ed] What's come over you'?

- [Chuck] Truth is I'm in love with

a moralistic, wonderful woman.

She helped me to realize that what I'm doing

is all wrong.

The only way she might even consider

accepting me, is if I give this all up.

- Listen, could you at least finish out the day?

We only have one more show to tape.

Would you at least do that much for me'?

- Okay, but after tonight's taping that's it.

(screams)

- Gloria, sweet bitch.

Is Toehead in there?

- Oh no, no.

I was just looking for him myself.

- I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch.

You know what he tried to do?

- No what?

- He tried to kill our wedding by killing me.

He killed my Mama.

I'm gonna kill him painfully.

- Well I think he's downstairs somewhere.

- You do'?

Let's go get him.

I bet you'd like to see him dead too huh?

- Oh what makes you think that'?

- He almost wasted the most precious thing you've got, me!

- Oh well I don't think.

- Come on, let's kill him together!

- Okay.

I think he's in here.

- What makes you think he's in here?

- Just a hunch.

- I don't see him.

- He might be hiding in the back somewhere.

- Hey what's going on?

- It's stuck!

- Hey get me out of here!

- Hold tight, I'll get somebody!

- Come on hurry up, I get claustrophobia in closed places!

(Cheers)

- [Voiceover] It's time for the most exciting game

in America, Live or Die

and here's the host and star of the show,

Chuck Toedan!

(upbeat music)

- Hello everybody

and welcome to Live or Die.

Let's start the first game shall we?

- Chuck, Luigi's alive

and he's gonna kill!

- The name of this segment is

Hunger or Lust?

In the cage over there,

we have a convict from San Lusipisbo Prison

who has been in solitary confinement

for 15 years.

He has eaten nothing but bread and Twinkies

in all that time.

Likewise,

he has never seen a woman in all that time.

Our question is

what will dominate, hunger or lust?

In front of our subject we have placed a beautiful roast

turkey, courtesy of Sucky Ducky Supermarkets.

Right next to it we have a our lovely Shanna Shallow

coming out to strut her stuff.

When we open the cage,

what will he go for'?

The bird or the girl'?

What will he satisfy first?

His appetite or his winky?

You mark your answers on the cards

we've placed in front of you.

Guess right and we have some nifty prizes for you.

Guess wrong and well look above you.

You'll see 100 pound sandbags above each of your heads.

You know what you'll get.

(laughs)

All right, ready to begin?

Mark your answers.

What'll it be, sex

or food'?

Answers in place?

Okay, open the cage!

(Cheers)

- [Luigi] Hey let me out of here!

Somebody let me out of here!

- I thought I heard someone in there.

- About fucking time!

(Cheers)

(upbeat music)

(screams)

- Shit!

You, that's it you guys.

Come on you, both of you,

throw your guns over here.

- No, don't kill him!

- Hey I understand.

You want to do it huh.

Yeah take the gun my little hot beef delight.

Yeah, go ahead.

(laughs)

(gun fires)

- You stupid bitch, learn how to aim, man!

- Hands on your head, Luigi!

- Hey fuck it, fuck it man.

Point it at Toehead, not me.

- Do it!

- I have a good mind to call off the wedding.

All right, now the gun's on the other foot huh?

(suspenseful music)

Okay, all of yous.

Let's go in the cage.

Get in there!

Come on, let's go, move it!

Move it, get in there tubbo, come on!

Not yous.

Get in there.

Come on, get in there.

Let's go, let's go, come on.

Come on black man, get in there.

Get in there you homo.

(suspenseful music)

Okay, who wants to see Toehead play his own game?

- Yeah!

(suspenseful music)

- Okay everybody,

now we're gonna do a new show starring me.

The name of this show is Toehead kisses his ass goodbye

show, special guest Gloria bitch

who I was gonna marry

but not anymore

because she's gonna be dead too.

(suspenseful music)

Oh it's definitely.

You guys is free to go.

Hey, I said you free, why ain't you moving?

- We want to watch this!

(suspenseful music)

- Let the game begin!

(suspenseful music)

Now the name of this game is the revenge game.

We're gonna start sucking the air out of there.

Sound familiar?

What you gotta do is convince me

why the fuck I should let you live

before you run out of oxygen.

This is a good game.

- I'm sorry I got you into all this.

- It's okay.

(soft music)

- Aw!

- Come on kids.

Don't get yourselves breathing too hard.

(soft music)

Hey, what's the matter?

You got that sinking feeling.

(laughs)

(gun fires)

- Chuckie, Chuckie, okay, okay!

I just shot someone!

That'll get me on death row,

can I be on your game show now?

Can I, can I?

So what do you say?

You got connections,

do I get to be on your show or what?

Oh is this an aptitude test'?

I can do that.

(upbeat music)

I don't get it.

(upbeat music)

You're going to sleep?

What do you want me to do?

(upbeat music)

I don't understand!

Maybe if I get the door open.

(upbeat music)

Hold on, yes or no'?

Yes or no?

(gun fires)

(upbeat music)

- Son of a bitch.

- But what about that little guy?

- Don't worry, he got his wish.

(coughs)

- I can't believe we're still alive.

- Believe it!

- Is that a wrap for the day?

(soft music)

- Gloria, there comes a time in every man's life

where he must make a decision.

Well I made one.

- You're giving up the game show?

- I'm giving up the game.

How did you know'?

(soft music)

What am I gonna do with a room full of dead bodies?

- Oh I'm sure you'll think of something.

- Chuck Toedan here for Climax Watches.

I'm here with ex game show contestant 4377

to help out with a demonstration

to test the durability of Climax Watches.

(blender whirs)

It's still ticking.

Kids, don't try this at home

unless you have a Climax Watch.

Hello I'm Chuck Toedan.

Are you tired of being burglarized?

Try the new Electrozappy Fence.

(upbeat music)

We've asked Mr. Make here

to demonstrate the sharpness of his Stay Sharp Enso Knives.

(upbeat music)

He's slicing up 3435 to show our that these knives

always stay sharp.

He's going through skin, bone, clothes,

rigor mortis.

(upbeat music)

And still it keeps its edge.

(upbeat music)

What happens to ordinary eyeglasses

when there's any impact?

(glass shatters)

That's why you need new, specially treated,

scratch-resistant No Breako Glasses.

(upbeat music)

Notice how flies gather around 8364,

the untreated corpse'?

But 2275 the corpse sprayed with Fly Be Gone

is fly free.

(upbeat music)

♪ Put you in the driver seat

(upbeat music)

Yes our ties are made of the strongest material

that won't rip, tear, or stretch.

(upbeat music)

We've been asked to show the gripping power

of the new Acne Chew Em Up Tree Shredder.

(upbeat music)

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ But if you lose

♪ You will be no more

♪ Don't waste it brother, bye bye

♪ Later baby

♪ Live or die is what they call it

♪ So don't be shy

♪ Just knock get on it

♪ Door number one, door number two

♪ Where oh where is the door for you

♪ Now is it three

♪ Get off your knees

♪ Boy don't you know

♪ You're on TV

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ It's the only way to go

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ But if you lose

♪ You will be no more

♪ The prizes here are very odd

♪ But where else can you lose

I And shake the hand oi God

♪ I think of all the crime committed in this town

IAnd think of all the criminals

♪ Just sitting around

♪ Waiting for their punishment that's overdue

♪ Where one can give them something to do

♪ They could have fun

♪ They could win money

♪ But if they lose

♪ It's bye bye honey

♪ See you later sucker

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ It's the only way to go

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ But if you lose

♪ You will be no more

(upbeat music)

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ It's the only way to go

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ It's the only way to go

♪ Deathrow Gameshow

♪ But if you lose

♪ You will be no more

- I'm afraid of no one!

(jazzy music)