Original subtitles

(film reel ticking)

(graphic whooshing)

(gentle suspenseful music) (birds chirping)

(footsteps stomping)

(Bigfoot grunting)

(screen whooshes)

(Bigfoot grunting)

(footsteps crunching)

(screen whooshing)

(film reel ticking)

(footsteps tapping)

- [Ally] Cal, come out.

(door pounding)

Cal, please.

- What is the function of "Moby Dick?"

What does it tell us about Ahab?

Anyone?

Okay, maybe his myopia?

His obsession?

Maybe something,

(door clicking)

(gentle dramatic music)

maybe something to provide meaning

in a society where there are no other options for him.

(birds chirping)

What?

- I brought tacos.

- Why did you bring tacos?

- Because it's lunch time.

- They better be crunchy.

- You know they are.

- What are you doin' here?

- What am I doing anywhere?

I wanted to see my sister.

- Sure, but.

- See ya Thursday, Dr. Piker!

(Cal laughing)

- What?

- Dr. Piker. (laughing)

- What?

(bag thuds)

- Ow.

(students chattering)

(Samantha laughs)

- How are Ally and Nina?

(gentle brooding music)

- They're fine.

- It's been two months, Cal,

we haven't seen any of you in two months.

Not since-

- I know.

- Why are you here?

- We should go on a trip.

- What?

- A trip, a vacation.

The kind that involves getting on a plane in one place

and getting off the plane in another place.

- Why?

- Because the plane's moved.

- (laughs) No, why should we go on a trip?

(gentle spirited music)

The Bigfoot Investigation Organization is pleased

to invite you on a journey. (laughs)

Really, you didn't outgrow this when you were two?

- Come on.

- Join our professional experienced guide

in exploring the mystery of Bigfoot.

- Yep, one week camping.

They take you all the way to Ape Canyon.

- Bigfoot. - Use infrared goggles,

you look for footprints.

- Bigfoot.

- You prefer the term Sasquatch?

- I have a class, but we should talk later, okay?

Bring the family, we'll have a barbecue.

Gray got a new grill,

he thinks he's gonna be manly, it's adorable.

We'll talk later, yeah?

- Suppose I already got the tickets.

- Cal.

- Suppose I got two.

- Bring your wife.

- Suppose I used your credit card.

- What?

Well, how did you get my-

- You gave me the number

after Mom, and I took care of everything, Sam,

you know I did.

- That's not okay.

- I know, and I'm so sorry.

But you owe me, and this is what I want.

(airplane engine roaring)

(upbeat music)

- Here we are.

- You don't have to go, you know.

You could stay here with me, we can hang out.

We could build forts.

What?

Tally asked about it last night, it sounded fun.

He's not your responsibility, you know.

- He's gotta be someone's.

- That's what wives are for.

- Oh, is that how that works?

- Uh-huh.

(both laughing)

We are building forts when you get back.

- We better.

(airplane engine roaring)

(upbeat music)

(Cal laughs)

(crowd chattering)

(airplane engine roaring)

- [Flight Attendant] We will be landing shortly.

Please make certain that your seat belt

and shoulder harness, if applicable, is fastened.

We hope you had a pleasant flight.

- What's that?

- That, my friend, is Bigfoot.

- What's Bigfoot?

- Oh, well, Bigfoot is a really, really big,

really, really hairy ape

that walks on two legs and lives in the woods.

- Are his feet big?

- Oh, huge.

- Is he real?

- Of course he's real.

Do you think I could draw him if he wasn't real?

- [Mother] I thought you were going to the bathroom.

- [Ashlyn] I was just looking.

(gentle music)

- Sleep well?

(Samantha groans)

Did you have a nice flight?

(Samantha groans)

(Cal chuckles)

- [Announcer] Flight 419.

(announcer chattering)

- You gonna be like this the whole time?

- Decent chance.

- You'll feel better once we see a Bigfoot.

- We're not gonna see Bigfoot.

- People see Bigfoot every year, why not us?

- We're not gonna see Bigfoot.

- We saw Mothman.

- No, you saw a barn owl out the window

and you told me it was Mothman.

- Right.

- I still have nightmares, you know.

- Well, seeing Bigfoot will fix all that.

Oh, hey, hey!

Hey, there.

- Hey, there yourself.

Franklin Tunney, Bigfoot Investigation Organization.

- Cal Piker.

This is Sam.

Sam is super excited.

- I'm super excited too.

Come along, you guys are the last.

(upbeat country music)

♪ Well open up the door ♪

♪ And let the silence scatter in ♪

♪ Innocence now not the case ♪

♪ And I'm up for anything ♪

♪ I just want to get the hell out of this town ♪

♪ I just want to get the hell out of this town ♪

♪ Take a deep breath, step outside, and ♪

- Hey.

♪ The car, start it up ♪

Hi.

♪ And I'm not sure where I'll go ♪

Hello over there.

♪ Hell out of this ♪

- Hi.

♪ I just want ♪

- Cal Piker, world-famous Bigfoot hunter.

- Charlie Siegel, Charlie Siegel.

- You here with your family?

- They're not my family.

- Harsh.

Aren't you a little young to be out here on your own?

- It's my money.

Mom said, it's my Bar Mitzvah money,

and I can do whatever I want with it.

- Yeah.

- And I wanna see Bigfoot.

- I know, it's exciting, right?

Oh, oh, no, that's, that's, that's not excitement.

You were dragged along, weren't you?

Oh, I can tell, you were dragged along.

You were dragged along.

- Yeah, pretty much.

- Boyfriend?

- Brother, little brother.

He means well, he just, he means well.

- But, you know, it's not gonna be bad,

it's gonna be fun, you'll see.

I've never been camping.

Well, no, I think I've been camping like once.

I was like seven, yeah.

It really was a good experience, you know,

and the tent fell down, and there was a raccoon.

He was not a nice raccoon.

I always wanted to go again though,

like, you know, in the woods.

Mark like lives in the woods.

♪ Start it up, and drive away, and I'm not sure where ♪

- Dating?

- Seven weeks.

- And Bigfoot already?

- I mean it seemed fun, you know.

And Mark thought it would be great

if we got professional

being it was my first time out and all.

(Mark snoring)

Isn't he great?

(door bangs) (birds chirping)

- All right, everybody out.

Grab your bags, grab your gear,

grab your water, all right?

(Franklin exhales)

(Franklin inhaling)

Fresh mountain air, man, nothing like it.

- You know it.

- Hey, that's a nice compass.

- His grandfather gave to him.

- Oh, yeah?

- First time he took me out,

looked me right in the eyes, he said,

"As long as you have this compass,

"you'll always find your way."

And I have.

- Aw, Mark.

- Sir?

- Yeah.

- I thought we were going to Ape Canyon?

- We are, my friend, but not in this.

This stays here.

Ape Canyon's through there.

We will hike, we're gonna sleep

under the blanket of Mother Nature herself.

And if we're lucky, people,

might just see somethin' remarkable.

- Something remarkable.

(hand thuds)

- [Franklin] Let's move out!

(upbeat country music)

- Hey, you see this pencil?

My grandfather gave me this pencil.

He looked me in the eyes and said,

"As long as you carry this with you,

"you'll always find your way."

Boop.

♪ And all of the wonders standing between ♪

♪ I don't want to be another mystery, oh no ♪

♪ I don't want to see who's looking at me, oh no ♪

♪ I want to be the one to feel the sun, oh, oh ♪

♪ So if you want to see the world with me, let's go ♪

♪ The alligator, the god that made her ♪

♪ And all the creatures that got left behind ♪

♪ In Mycenae, Ave Maria ♪

♪ And everything you gotta dig harder to find ♪

♪ I don't want to be a vapor of heavenly light ♪

♪ Everybody guess if I'm an angel or sprite ♪

♪ I don't want to be another mystery, oh no ♪

♪ I don't want to see who's looking at me, oh no ♪

♪ I wanna be the one to feel the sun, oh, oh ♪

(Gina laughing)

(indistinct)

- You're pissed.

I can always tell when you're pissed.

You get that faraway sort of psycho,

let's stab a kitten look in your eye.

- I'm not gonna stab a kitten.

- Do you remember Meowsers?

- I didn't even know she was there.

- Okay, all right.

- I'm not pissed, I'm annoyed.

- Annoyed?

- You could have asked.

I like to spend my breaks

with Gray and the kids, you know that.

It's not like we didn't have plans.

- What plans?

- Well, not in a forest in Oregon looking for some monkey

anyone with half a brain can tell you

isn't even there to find.

- I think you're being unrealistic.

- You think I'm being unrealistic?

- Completely.

There's 400 recorded Bigfoot sightings every year,

and I'm not talking about stoned teenagers and mountain men.

400 people, that's young and old, rich and poor,

dumb and super smart, all kinds of people, okay.

- Cal. - Some as close to it

as we are to Charlie right now.

Hey, Charlie.

- What?

- There's footprints with actual

dermal ridges, like fingerprints.

There's footage that any real scientific analysis

proves could not have been faked.

- And the recordings.

- Thank you, Charlie, yes!

Whistles, hoots, howls, audio recordings,

it's been proven could not have come

from any known creature in this country, okay.

So how can you know all that

and still not believe there's something out there?

- But why here?

Why Ape Canyon?

The all kinds of people who see these things

see them anywhere.

- But Ape Canyon-

- Ape Canyon what?

(leaves rustling)

- Is where they are.

(suspenseful music)

(owl hooting)

(fire crackling)

- So who knows the story of Ape Canyon?

(sighs) An adventure, my friends,

is no good without a destination,

and a destination means nothing

if we fail to understand the journey.

The year was 1924, across the plains

of Abraham by Mount St. Helens,

a prospector named Fred Beck and his miners

sought their fortune in gold.

(gentle dramatic music)

(birds chirping)

It was late in the day when Fred

and one of his miners ventured out in the forest

to collect some water from a nearby spring.

Something moved across the canyon, something big.

(Bigfoot grunting)

The miner fired.

(gun shot blasting) (Bigfoot groans)

But it was gone.

(Bigfoot groaning)

(Bigfoot howling)

The sky was dark and the hour was late

that night when it began.

The attack was relentless.

(man gasps) (Bigfoot growling)

(man crying) (door thudding)

(group yelling) (Bigfoot growling)

Through the night, they fought to defend themselves,

Fred and his team, from such creatures

as they had never before imagined.

(Bigfoot grunting) (ceiling thuds)

(group yelling)

(gunshot bangs) (Bigfoot groaning)

(gunshot banging)

(Bigfoot groans)

(group yelling)

When dawn came, they ran, and they never went back.

That canyon became known as Ape Canyon.

Fred Beck's story went down as legend.

Those of us who studied it,

those of us who explored these woods

know that every single word is absolutely true.

Now, let's get us some sleep.

We got a big day tomorrow.

(Cal yawning)

- I am seriously jet lagged.

Charlie, are you jet lagged?

- I'm from San Diego.

- 'Cause, whew, am I jet lagged.

Good night, man.

- Hey, Cal, this can be fun.

I mean I know you're really excited.

I don't wanna make you feel like,

I don't wanna be the reason that you don't have-

- It's cool.

Good day tomorrow?

- Good day.

(gentle music) (birds chirping)

(footsteps tapping)

(suspenseful music)

(bag rustling) (bag clanging)

(Samantha yells)

Shit, Cal, what the hell?

- Your phone's gone.

- What?

- Money too.

- Shit.

Cal, where is it?

Cal?

- I'm gonna go see if my stuff's still here.

- You checked my bag first?

Cal.

Cal!

- Huh? - Cal, what's going on?

Where's Franklin, Cal?

- Okay, promise you won't get mad?

Sam!

Hey, Sam.

Sam, look.

- You're telling me our guide snuck into our tents

in the middle of the night and took everything we have

and no one saw a thing?

- The general theory is that in the beans,

which Gina says he wasn't eating, he...

- He drugged us?

- It's a working theory.

- You took me a on a trip into the middle of the woods

where a strange man snuck into our tents

after he drugged us?

- Theory.

- He could have, he could have done things.

- I mean he probably did, I mean who wouldn't, right?

Okay, not the time.

Look, I- - Let me guess,

you didn't think, you didn't research,

you bought the tickets with my credit card, which he has.

- I didn't know that-

- And he took my phone.

He took my phone, I can't cancel the-

- Sam, it'll be okay.

- Goddammit! What do we do, Cal?

What's the plan?

Sit back, kick our feet up, and hope that Franklin

or whatever his name is,

is nice enough to send someone to find us

once he's safe in Mexico or wherever-

- Canada.

- What?

- Canada.

I mean if he's leaving the country,

it makes a lot more sense for him to go to Canada, you know,

'cause geographically it's closer.

Look, you're right, okay, I screwed up.

I really screwed this up.

I am so sorry.

- Sorry.

I know, you're always sorry.

I don't know how Ally puts up with you.

- It's a mystery.

- Do we have food?

Cal, we have to save it.

- We have, I have plenty, it's all good.

It's got whole grain, you love whole grain.

- I'm still very mad.

- I know.

- What are we gonna do?

- Mark!

- He has a compass.

- Yes, he was looking at it the whole time.

- Mark.

- Can you get us home? - Can you get us

to Ape Canyon?

- Are you serious? - What?

Come on, Ape Canyon, that's the whole point!

We're gonna pack it in

after the first little sign of trouble.

- Our guide robbed us, and left us in the woods to die.

- Yeah, like an hour ago.

- I can't believe we're having this conversation.

- You can get us there right, Mark?

- Well...

- There aren't signs, Cal!

This isn't a road, this is a forest, there are trees!

- Yeah, he has a compass.

- A compass is not a GPS.

- Yes, it is.

- Actually.

- You can get us back to the road, right?

- No! - I.

- We're going to Ape Canyon, that's the whole point.

- Mark, can you do it?

- Well.

- Mark can definitely do it.

- I mean, yeah, you know we came on a northwest bearing

if we just- - No.

- Turn around. - No!

We're not going to the road.

- Yes, we are!

- Okay, anyone else, other than Sam,

who wants to give up and go home raise your hand.

- Home, that's an option.

- Nerts.

(gentle music) (crow cawing)

(insects chirping)

- [Charlie] I'm sorry.

- [Cal] About what?

- I wanted to go to Ape Canyon too.

- You know, it's a little late, kid.

- I'm a man.

She's really mad is all.

I didn't want her to yell at me.

- Yeah, well, welcome to my childhood.

- But I'm lookin' really hard,

and if I see a Bigfoot, I'll totally let you know.

- Appreciate that.

- You know the Salish Indians?

They used to talk about giants.

The Aztec-Ianoans too.

They called them N'numic and Tso-apittse,

and they said they lived in caves.

- Yeah, there were tree ones too, right?

- Yeah, but the Lakotas were even better.

They said, talked about a messenger, right,

who showed up in evil times.

Well, they said, sometimes he was fire,

but sometimes he was a huge hairy man,

and all the other tribes knew about the same messenger.

- Yeah, the big hairy one.

- Well, sometimes he's fire.

That's how you know they're real, you know,

'cause why would they have all these stories

if Bigfoots weren't real?

- I told Nina once about the tree men before bed.

She said, "I was making it up."

I told her, "I'd prove it to her some day."

- Is that why you wanna go to Ape Canyon?

- It's where they are.

(thunder rumbling)

- Hey, Mark, how long do you think?

- Oh, well, it was long hike out here,

but we're gettin' there.

- Just wanna get back before the weather gets bad.

- Ah, we'll be all right.

- He's following our tracks.

- Our tracks?

- I know it looks like dirt, grass, and leaves

but when you're out here enough,

you start to see the imprints, the patterns,

the bend of a blade of grass, the turn of a leaf.

And I can see clearly five sets of footprints

going back that way.

- There were six of us.

- Exactly, six.

- [Gina] Exactly.

- Hey, you okay?

Got you, hey, break.

(gentle brooding music) (birds chirping)

- How many of these do we have?

- Plenty.

(gentle brooding music) (birds chirping)

(birds chirping)

(suspenseful music)

- And then when the 1920s happen

and you have Art Deco the with uses of geometry and chrome

and the Chrysler Building with massive immortal paean

to hope and optimism,

and that's why I'm gonna make buildings,

and they're gonna be super awesome buildings,

and they're going to stand and last forever, right.

I mean like forever.

- You think that's something

you should hear Sam nerd rant on Herman Melville.

- I do not nerd rant on Herman Melville.

- Please, you got a doctorate

in nerd ranting on Herman Melville.

- I got my doctorate in English literature.

- It's the same thing.

She used to have a poster of Melville on her wall.

- Come on.

- Naked.

- Nice.

- I did not.

(Cal laughing)

- I think we have a problem.

- You've gotta be kidding.

(brooding music)

What the hell is this, Mark?

- Well...

- Mark?

- You guys don't think, no, guys, guys,

this is not our campsite.

All right, I know it looks like our campsite,

but all campsites look the same at first.

It's only after you spend

as much time out in the woods as I have-

- Hey, that's my pencil.

- Yes, it certainly looks like your pencil but-

- No, this is totally my pencil.

See look guys, it's the same color and everything.

- Okay, what, what's going on?

- Chipmunks.

- Chipmunks?

- Chipmunks like pencils.

They like to move pencils from one campsite

to another campsite that looks

like the first campsite.

- Oh my God, oh my God,

oh my God!

- Okay, I can explain,

your profile said you liked outdoorsy guys,

and I really wanted to meet you so, so, so.

- Are you serious?

- So I read up, and I learned how to pitch a tent.

It turned out to be a lot of fun.

- Your grandfather's compass.

All that shit about your grandfather's compass.

- Yes, yes.

No, Walmart actually.

No, I used hydrogen peroxide and acid

and made it worn and rusty,

and I'm a bit of a chemistry nut, it's kinda my thing.

But my name is Mark.

- You son of a bitch!

Walmart!

It's a goddamn chipmunk!

(lighter clicks) (insects chirping)

- Hey, Cal, mind lending a hand?

Maybe you can block the wind

so I can get this going long enough-

- Block the wind?

- Yeah, just stand in front-

- I don't think that's gonna work.

- Well, it pretty much has to work, doesn't it?

- Hey, it's gonna be okay.

- Right.

- Seriously, all right, everything is gonna be fine.

- You don't get to do that.

Everything's not gonna be fine just because you say it is.

You don't get to bumble into other people's lives,

fuck things up, and then say everything's gonna be fine.

(lighter clicking)

- Hey, Cal, I was wondering if maybe I could,

Gina doesn't want me sleeping in the tent with her,

so I just thought I might be able to, if you didn't mind.

- I don't know, man.

- Charlie.

Yeah, okay.

- Just forget it, Mark, okay.

Sam, do you mind?

- No, it's fine.

- Jesus.

(insects chirping)

(animal howling)

(suspenseful music)

(animal howling)

(trees rustling)

(trees rustling)

(animal howling)

(wind rustling)

- Assholes.

Sam!

Goddammit.

Sam!

Damn it.

Sam?

Sam!

(leg thuds) (Cal groaning)

(Cal groans)

(Cal groaning)

- Cal!

(Cal gasps)

Cal, Cal.

Hey.

- Ow.

- Cal, can you move?

(Cal groans)

You okay?

- Yeah.

- What the hell is wrong with you?

- I.

- Where did you go, huh? - I thought-

- What did you think?

- I thought I heard Bigfoot.

- Come on, we need to get back to camp.

- Which way?

- [Samantha] Gina!

Charlie!

- [Cal] Sam, we'll find them.

- We shouldn't have to find them, we should be with them

in our tents sleeping.

- I know, I didn't mean to-

- Oh, you didn't mean to, you didn't think.

You never think, Cal,

you just screw things up for everyone else.

- I'm not a complete screw up,

I did plan Mom's-

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and you screwed that up too.

The flowers were supposed

to be Mom's favorite, baby's-breath, I told you.

You can't even.

- Hey, hey, come on, sit down.

- What are you doing?

- Sit down.

- Cal, we have to find them, it's-

- And we will, come on.

- Don't.

- It's warm, I'm warm.

- You're freezing.

- Yeah, well, I'll get warmer.

It's a gift, come on.

Come on, all right, all right.

Okay, okay, it's okay.

(birds chirping)

(brooding music)

(leaves rustling)

(hands slapping)

(fan whirring)

(birds chirping)

(clock ticking)

(dramatic music)

(fist thudding) (man grunting)

(water splashing)

Yeah, come in.

- Making yourself at home?

- [Cal] Mm-hmm.

- I talked with the sergeant,

and he said they should be able to get us

on a flight home tomorrow,

they just have to sort things out with TSA.

- Mm-hmm.

- Kinda hard to get a flight

when you don't have money or ID,

but he says it's not first time someone's lost

their things in the woods.

- Mm-hmm.

- Look, Cal, the things I said-

- Forget it.

- I just.

- It's all good.

- What are you doing?

- Packing, and you should too.

- Packing?

- Yeah.

It's a long way from here to Ape Canyon.

- Cal.

We're not going to Ape Canyon, we're going home.

- Can't find Bigfoot at home.

- Damn it.

(birds chirping)

Cal, are you serious,

after everything we went through out there?

- We probably only need the one bag.

We can just take turns carrying it.

- We're lucky we're not sick.

We're lucky we're not dead.

- Okay, fine, I'll carry it.

- Are you insane?

- Come on, this is the whole point,

near-death experiences, crazy adventure.

The Piker Action Squad together again.

- We were never called that.

No one ever called us that or anything remotely like it.

- You know what, I'm gonna give you a moment,

you go upstairs, grab your stuff,

I'll meet you out front, and we'll go.

- We're not going back out there, we're not.

- I guess not, right.

That makes sense.

That's okay.

- What do I tell Ally and Nina when I come home without you?

- Tell them I said hi.

- Cal.

- Look I get it, okay,

you didn't wanna come on this trip in the first place.

Dumb idea, stupid Cal, right?

But we came here to find Bigfoot, and I'm not giving up.

- Idiots see Bigfoot back home too.

- Well, that's not where they are.

- Fly home, buy another tent.

- That's not where they are.

- And take your daughter camping like a normal human.

- That's not where they are.

That's not where they are, they're in Ape Canyon!

I, look, give Gray my best,

whatever the hell's that's worth.

- Wait, wait, wait, one second.

Let me check with the sergeant.

Maybe he can help you.

One minute.

(footsteps crunching)

Cal!

(birds chirping)

- Yeah, fine, keep driving.

Don't wanna ride in your stupid car anyway.

(branches rustling)

(upbeat music)

- Hi.

- Hey, Charlie, you been following me long?

- Kinda.

- You are stealthier than I thought.

Come along.

(truck engine roaring)

- They keep doing that.

- Ah, antisemitism.

- Probably.

Is there a trick?

- What like a hitchhiking trick?

- Yeah.

- Well, I mean you gotta work the thumb.

- I'm working the thumb.

- Okay, well, then you gotta show a little leg.

So were they pissed?

- What?

- Parents, when you called with the whole getting conned

and left in the woods to die thing.

- I guess.

Dad said I was chasing unicorns.

- Unicorns?

- Yeah, just Bigfoot, he doesn't even know.

He thinks they're the same thing.

- Did he say that just to piss you off?

- Yeah.

He's so full of shit.

- Probably, most of us are.

- It's like he's not even trying.

(truck engine roaring)

- Hey.

- Howdy.

Where to?

- Mount St. Helens.

- Well, I can take you as far as Winlock.

- I don't know where that is.

- It's closer than here.

- Perfect.

- Darwin Keane.

- Cal, and this is Charlie.

- Pleasure.

Everybody in?

(truck engine roaring)

(gentle country music)

(upbeat country music)

So why Ape Canyon?

- What do you mean?

- Oh, there's lots of places for camping.

Some a fuckton closer than Mount St. Helens.

So why Ape Canyon?

- Disney was closed.

- We're here to see Bigfoot.

(Darwin laughing)

- Should have figured.

Yeah, we get all kinds of guys like you up here,

tourists mostly, hikers, heads higher than the redwoods.

Let me tell you something that's gonna save

you all kinds of time, okay,

ain't no such thing as Bigfoot,

just a bunch of stupid ass hicks in stupid ass costumes

trying to scare the hell out of everybody.

Now I will most certainly take you to Winlock, all right,

and Ape Canyon is beautiful country

if you make it out that far,

but you ain't gonna find no hairy mountain man,

I can tell you that much.

- That's where they are.

- They ain't anywhere.

Did you ever see that film from back in the '70s,

the grainy one shows the Bigfoot

kinda walkin' through the woods, and stops,

and turns, looks at the camera?

- The Patterson-Gimlin film.

- Yeah, that's the one.

Thing is my Pop, he knew the guy in the costume, yeah.

Bunch of fools out there still wanna buy it.

Fools wanna get fooled that's their business,

but if you ask me-

- Well, nobody asked you.

- Excuse me?

- Hey, Darwin.

- [Darwin] Hey, Kirk.

- Who's your guests?

- Bigfoot hunters.

- Oh, yeah?

Hey, check out the Star, got a real good one for you.

(Darwin laughing)

Serious stick up his ass.

- Yeah, you're telling me.

- Okay, you know what?

Do you know how many different guys

have claimed to be in that costume, huh?

Three, four guys all swearing to be the guy

in a costume that couldn't even been made in 1967.

Now which one did your Pop know?

- Just settle down, kid.

- No, no, I wanna know how did he make it, huh?

How'd he simulate the muscle movement?

Why did he add the breasts?

- You might wanna step off now.

- Hey, hey, Cal.

- How long did he practice the movement for, huh?

How'd he manage the face?

- I'm sorry if I poked a hole in your little world, okay,

but the only folks stupid enough

to believe that shit are tourists and hicks.

- Hicks? (laughing)

What are you?

- I'm an educated man with a college degree,

you citified sack of shit.

- Yeah, in what?

- Nuclear physics.

- Wait, what, really?

- Yeah.

- Okay, well, you know what?

Doesn't matter anyway because there was no costume,

it's been proven.

- My Pop knew the guy in the suit!

- Well, your Pop don't know shit!

(fist thuds) (Darwin grunts)

(head thuds)

- Sorry about that.

(gentle dramatic music)

(footsteps tapping) (birds chirping)

(water splashing)

(man gasps)

(Bigfoot grunting)

- Hey, Cal.

Cal.

Cal.

(Cal sighs)

Hey.

- Hey.

I had the weirdest dream,

and you were there, and you were there,

and you were there, and you were there,

and you were definitely there.

- [Bigfoot] You're probably still dreaming man.

(monitor beeping)

- Dammit.

(airplane engine roaring)

- [Samantha] Hey.

- Hey.

- How are you feeling?

- Terrific.

This has been a really proud day for me.

- Why is Ape Canyon where they are?

- Oh, with bedside manner like that

you really should have pursued a medical career.

- Why is Ape Canyon where they are?

- I don't know, climate.

You're the professor.

- Charlie said you were saying

that all the way to the hospital.

- Well, I have no recollection of this.

- I'd think not, you hit your head pretty hard.

- No, an enormous nuclear physicist

hit my head pretty hard.

(siren wailing)

So where are we anyway?

- Longview, just a bit north of the border.

- What, Canadian?

- Washingtonian.

- Ah, perfect.

- You're not doing it.

- Do what?

- Heading out there again.

You have a concussion.

- People keep saying that, but I'm really just like this.

- I'm serious.

- I can tell, you got serious face on.

- Cal.

- Okay, I hear you.

Ape Canyon's a five hour drive from the airport

and in three days I haven't made it any further

than an ER in Longview.

Okay, the universe is sending

some pretty strong signals here.

- It's not forever, you know.

It's a rain check.

We'll head out in the summer, we'll bring the families,

we'll make a vacation of it, okay?

- One condition.

- What?

- Chips.

Got knocked out in a convenience store,

and I never got my chips.

- Got it.

- You remember the hierarchy, right?

- Ketchup, plain, sour cream,

honey barbecue, regular barbecue.

(Cal clicks)

(buttons beeping)

(coin clicking)

(hand thuds)

(gentle suspenseful music)

Come on!

Cal!

- Hey.

- What the hell are you doing?

- Nothing, how about you?

- Are you stealing a car?

- You know what, that hurts.

Okay, I'm your brother, your brother.

I resent the insinuation that you would even consider,

oh, hey.

- Cal.

- Hey, pass me a screwdriver.

- What?

- Just kidding, I know you don't have a screwdriver.

- What's wrong with you?

- I'm fine.

- You're not fine.

You haven't been fine since the second

you showed up outside my classroom.

- Are we having a heart-to-heart?

Is this a special moment?

- Come on.

- What, do you need a hug?

- Why is Ape Canyon where they are?

Mom said something to me a few years ago,

she said, "Not since your father

"have I known a boy to run so hard, and so fast,

"and entirely the wrong direction."

- I never knew Dad, now did I?

- Mom said, that- - Well, Mom's dead, Sam,

say the words.

- Asshole.

(car engine revving)

- Ah, yes.

- Cal, you can still go back inside.

You wandered away, you have a concussion.

Ugh!

(door bangs)

- We can do this.

- No, we can't!

- Adventure is calling.

- It's doing no such thing.

- The road is our highway.

- What does that even mean?

- Sam.

Sam. - What?

- Do you trust me?

- No.

- Oh, well.

(car engine roaring)

(tires squealing) (knuckles tapping)

(police radio chattering)

I have a concussion.

- Come on, hey, I didn't do anything.

Come back.

Dammit, dammit.

(door thuds)

What were you thinking, Cal?

What the hell were you thinking?

They're gonna fire me, you know that?

Or suspend me at least until the charges can, (laughs)

ugh, charges, how do I explain this, huh?

Why did I get into the car?

Why didn't I tell the hospital

as soon as I saw that you were gone?

Why didn't I do that?

The students, my students, oh, God,

they'll hear about it, and I won't be there,

and they'll all wonder where Dr. Piker is,

and then I won't be able to tell them,

and oh, God, I'm done, I can't go back there.

(Cal laughing)

What?

(Cal laughing)

What, what is funny?

(Cal laughing)

- Dr. Piker.

- You asshole, you asshole!

Do you even get it, huh?

Do you even care?

What was the point of this?

Dragging me out here,

robbed, arrested, conned, what the hell was the point?

- Bigfoot.

- There is no Bigfoot.

There is no Bigfoot, there is no Bigfoot!

There's only you, Cal!

You're the only monster here!

Dammit!

I need to call Gray.

I need to call the kids.

Hey, hey!

I get a phone call!

I want my phone call!

It's late, they're asleep.

What do I even tell them?

You wanna know the funny thing?

I thought you'd grown up, I really did.

Nina came along and you stepped up,

and then when Mom,

but you're the same kid who killed three mice

you forgot to feed.

You're the same kid

who ran the station wagon into Gunpowder River.

You're the same kid who didn't even care

to try to replace the clarinet reed you broke.

I really don't know how Ally puts up with you.

(Cal crying)

Cal.

Cal.

Cal, I.

- Ally's gone.

- What?

- Ally's gone, Sam, Nina too.

- Gone, what, what do you mean gone?

Gone where?

- Away.

(melancholic music) - Oh, no.

When?

- Nine days and five hours.

- What, did she say anything?

Did she, is she, why?

- Why, seriously?

Why do you think?

I'm the monster, I scared them away.

- No, no, no, Cal, I didn't mean it.

- No, why not?

You were right.

You know it, Mom knew it.

I had Ally fooled for a while,

but she was always gonna figure it out

'cause I fuck up and I fuck up, it's what I do.

- [Samantha] It's not.

- Don't lie to me, Sam.

- You took care of everything

when Mom, when she died, I couldn't do it.

You took care of everything.

- See, I screwed that up, too,

'cause the flowers, I got the wrong flowers.

And you know what, she wouldn't even have been upset.

She would have been way too used to it to even been upset.

- Why are we here?

- To find Bigfoot.

- Bigfoot isn't real.

- He has to be.

(siren wailing)

- You've gotta be kidding.

Franklin.

- Hey, it's you guys.

- Hey, we're all friend.

- Oh, we're not friends.

This guy conned us, he left us in the woods to die.

- Oh, you didn't die, did you?

- [Cop] Cuffs.

- [Franklin] Thank you, sir.

You are a good and honorable man.

- Whatever.

(door bangs)

- Shouldn't you be in Canada or somewhere not here?

- Ah, it's what I do, I dawdle, I spend, it's my vice.

- Spend.

- Don't worry, I haven't gotten to your stuff yet.

The kid, loaded.

- You ruined it.

- Ruined what?

- Ape Canyon.

- Okay, how did I ruin Ape Canyon?

What, because we didn't get there?

Because we didn't reach the cryptozoological mecca?

It's just a place, man.

Special, sure, to those people who want it to be that,

but it's just a place.

What are you guys in for anyway?

- Stole a car.

- (laughs) You stole a car.

You know they will put you on a flight home.

- To get to Ape Canyon.

- Really?

Look, if it's any consolation, the place is real,

the story is true.

Those of us who explored these woods

know that every single word of it is absolutely true.

Hell, maybe it is.

Why not, Bigfoot, weirder things, right?

- Be quiet.

Haven't you done enough?

- Hey, sorry.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Bigfoot.

- Go to hell.

- Hey, as much as I'm enjoying all this judgment,

I do have someplace to be.

There it is.

Woo, woo, that was a close one for a few minutes, huh?

Oh, hey, do me a favor?

Tell the kid I'm sorry, and make it sound sincere, okay?

(door bangs)

Listen.

(fist thuds) (Franklin groans)

Fair enough.

I hope you make it, I really do.

(suspenseful music)

- Hey, wait!

- Come on.

- Sam. - Let's go.

- What are we doing?

- Leaving. - Yeah, but we don't have to.

You don't have to. - I know, I know.

- Look, it was my idea, I'll tell them that.

The car, breaking out of the cell,

just your screw up brother screwing up again,

and you'll get to go home.

- Come on.

- Haven't I fucked up your life enough already?

(alarm ringing)

Here they come, they're coming, Sam.

- Come on. - This is so stupid!

You know it is!

- Come on. - You don't have to run!

- We're not running! - Then what are we doing?

- We're going to Ape Canyon!

Okay, okay, let's go.

(birds chirping)

(water splashing)

- Okay, and there are several perfectly valid ways

to handle this situation.

Run!

(gentle dramatic music)

- They'll call park rangers probably.

But I think we have some time

before they get in touch with state troopers,

figure out it's us.

We need to get some distance,

figure out which direction we should be going in.

You have the map, Cal?

Cal.

- We're almost there.

Why didn't Mom ever take us camping?

- Mom. - Yeah.

- Camping.

- Would have helped prepare us

for situations just like these.

- (laughs) I don't think Mom

could have navigated the backyard.

- You remember the corn maze in Lutherville?

- Oh, my God, yes.

- We decided to go our own separate ways,

see who could make it out first.

- Let's see, it was you, then me.

- And two hours later, Mom

and the Baltimore County Police Department.

(both laughing)

- God, how old were we?

- Oh, I think I was like nine.

- You were nine because your birthday was like a week away

and you wouldn't shut up about being 10.

- Hey, 10's a big deal, okay.

You get that second digit

and the whole world makes sense.

- And you still won't shut up about it.

- I'm sorry.

- Yeah, we covered that.

- No, about what I said with Mom.

- It's okay.

- I was an asshole.

- Yes, you were, and it's okay.

- No, it's stupid, I was stupid.

- You saved me.

- What?

- I was lost, I couldn't do it, and you were there.

- Yeah, but I mean I screwed up the flowers.

- You think she'd have cared?

The flowers, Cal, really?

(gentle serene music) (bird chirping)

- Charlie said there might be caves.

Sleep here for tonight.

- I think so.

(Cal coughing)

You okay?

- Mm-hmm.

(insects chirping)

(gentle somber music)

- [Ally] I want to understand.

Help me.

- They take us camping all-

- Cal. - The way to,

and we use infrared googles, we look-

- That's not, that's not- - For prints.

- That's not the point. - We.

- I know it's been hard since your Mom.

I know,

but that was next semester,

that was rent.

That was, talk to me.

- It.

- [Ally] I can't do this, I can't.

It's like you're not even trying.

- [Nina] Mommy.

- [Ally] Nina, Nina.

- [Nina] What's wrong?

- [Ally] Nothing, nothing.

- [Nina] Did you fall?

- [Ally] No, no.

I'm not, Nina, can you go up to your room,

and pick out some clothes for me?

- [Nina] Pretty clothes?

- [Ally] Only the prettiest.

Dammit, dammit.

- We can find them.

We can find them, and then everything will be all right.

- That's not the point.

- No, no, we know where they are.

- Cal.

(door bangs)

(dramatic music)

(gentle dramatic music) (birds chirping)

- [Samantha] Cal.

- Yeah, hey.

- We better move.

Nobody's found us yet, doesn't mean they won't.

Maybe we can stop at a creek and refill our-

- I didn't use your credit card for the trip.

I lied when I said I did.

- Why?

- I didn't think you'd come with me.

I didn't think I could make it without you.

(gentle brooding music)

Sam.

(Cal coughing)

Sam, wait.

- Whatever, forget it, let's just get there.

- Okay.

Are we close?

Are we going the right way?

- I don't know.

- Well, where does it say we are on the?

- It's not a GPS, it's a map!

We're in the middle of the goddamn woods is where we are!

If we started where I think we started

this should be the right direction.

- Sam, I'm- - Don't.

- I'm gonna climb the tree.

- What are you doing?

- I told you, I'm climbing the tree.

- Why?

- Vantage point, gonna see what I can see.

Maybe see if anything fits the map.

- Do you see anything?

- Lots of trees.

- Do you see a campground?

- No, maybe, I see a lot of orange,

so it could be like a tent, is that good?

- Oh, Cal.

- Yeah, that's definitely a tent.

Why do they have a better tent than me?

(brooding music)

- Yeah, I see 'em.

- Sam.

- What is it, what do you see?

- Sam, Sam.

- What, what, what?

- We've, okay, Sam, okay, we've.

- Christ, Cal, are you okay?

- We've gotta go.

- What?

- The ranger, he saw me.

- How close? - I don't know.

- Was he alone?

- I don't know, I don't know, we need to get to Ape Canyon.

- Well, I- - Which way is it?

- I don't know!

- Okay, well, if the campground was here

from where I was looking.

- Maybe.

Hey, slow down.

- We need to get to Ape Canyon.

- I'm not sure this is right.

- You said this was the way.

- I said I didn't know.

- They're looking for us. - I know.

- We just need to get there. - I know.

- We're almost there. - I know!

(radio hissing)

- No.

- Calvin and Samantha Piker,

I'm gonna need you to come with me.

- We're almost there, we're almost there.

- Sir- - Look.

- Can we just- - Look, we just need

to make it to Ape Canyon, okay?

- Sir. - Look, look,

we just need to make it to Ape Canyon, okay.

Just a little bit further,

and then we'll go with you, I swear.

- I can't let you do that.

- Please.

- I found 'em, two clicks.

Hey!

- Don't, don't, don't.

- No, no, no, no.

- Cal. - I'm almost there.

- Cal. - We're almost there,

we're almost there.

- We are there, look, we made it.

- That's bullshit!

We have to get to Ape Canyon.

- Cal.

- We have to get to Ape Canyon.

- We don't have to get-

- It's where they are!

It's where I need to be.

- Cal.

(suspenseful music)

- Let me go, let me go!

- No! - Let me go!

- They're not here, they're not here.

It won't bring them back.

(gentle dramatic music)

- We made it, we made it.

(gentle serene music)

- We'll hold them until tomorrow.

They'll probably be transferred

to a larger facility at least-

- It was me.

I stole the car, I broke out of the cell.

- Well, like I said charges gonna be filed-

- No, no.

She was just protecting me.

She was just looking out for me.

She's my sister.

(birds chirping)

- He said they're probably gonna send me home.

You don't have to do this, the breakout, the van.

- It was me, I did it.

You had nothing to do with it.

It was all me, okay.

- Ally and Nina.

- I know.

I know.

(animal howling)

(animal howling)

(animal howling)

(animal howling)

(animal howling)

(upbeat county music)

♪ Get off your catwalk, I want you to talk ♪

♪ To be the seer instead of the seen ♪

♪ There is a flower, a leaning tower ♪

♪ And all of the wonders standing between ♪

♪ I don't want to be another mystery, oh no ♪

♪ I don't want to see who's looking at me, oh no ♪

♪ I wanna be the one to feel the sun, oh, oh ♪

♪ So if you want to see the world with me, let's go ♪

♪ The alligator, the god that made her ♪

♪ And all the creatures that got left behind ♪

♪ In Mycenae, Ave Maria ♪

♪ And everything you gotta dig harder to find ♪

♪ I don't want to be a vapor of heavenly light ♪

♪ Everybody guess if I'm an angel or sprite ♪

♪ I don't want to be another mystery, oh no ♪

♪ I don't want to see who's looking at me, oh no ♪

♪ I wanna be the one to feel the sun, oh, oh ♪

♪ So if you want to see the world with me, let's go ♪

♪ You could pursue it, hell, I could do it ♪

♪ I'll just be quiet when I get angry and hurt ♪

♪ I'm stopping traffic, cinemagraphic ♪

♪ With my long black coat hanging down in the dirt ♪

♪ And my hair clinging to my face in the rain ♪

♪ Like a goddess from the cult of beautiful pain ♪

♪ I don't want to be another mystery ♪

♪ I don't want to be another mystery ♪

♪ I could cut you off with a shoulder of stone ♪

♪ Smoke all night and leave the party alone ♪

♪ Screw myself with an inscrutable pout ♪

♪ But I just want you to come figure me out ♪

♪ I don't want to be another mystery, oh no ♪

♪ I don't want to see who's looking at me, oh no ♪

♪ I wanna be the one to feel the sun, oh, oh ♪

♪ So if you want to see the world with me, let's go ♪

♪ I don't want to be another mystery ♪