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[ Man ] "ON THE NORTHWEST COAST OF IRELAND...

"FACING THE ATLANTIC OCEAN LIES COUNTY DONEGAL--

"A PLACE OF RUGGED AND UNSPOILED BEAUTY,

"OF BLACK MOUNTAINS AND LUSH GREEN FIELDS,

"AND TINY VILLAGES NESTLING BY THE SEA.

"THESE OUTPOSTS OF CELTIC TRADITION...

"OFFER A VIBRANT AND COLORFUL REMINDER OF FORGOTTEN TIMES...

AND ARE WELL WORTH A VISIT."

I COULDN'T AGREE MORE, ONLY I'M ALREADY 18 YEARS OF AGE,

AND THIS IS ALL I KNOW.

AW, SHITE! "MAN AND BEAST LIVE IN RURAL HARMONY,"

JUST LIKE IT SAYS IN THE GUIDES,

BUT TO WORK WITH IAN ON HIS FARM FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

I JUST DON'T SHARE HIS PASSION FOR THOSE SHEEP,

OR OLLIE'S PASSION FOR RUBBER VALVES.

HE NEVER SELLS ANY, BUT IT'S NOT FOR THE WANT OF TRYING.

I'LL COME BACK AND DIE HERE IF THAT'S THE TRADITION,

BUT SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN NOW AND THEN...

I'D LIKE TO THINK I'D EXPERIENCE SOMETHING... DIFFERENT.

"THE MANY SCENIC WALKS" MIGHT BE GREAT FOR THE VISITOR TO ENJOY...

BUT WHEN THE TIDE COMES IN, YOU'D BETTER HAVE A BOAT WITH YOU,

OR YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT HOME.

AND IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT TWICE A DAY-- LIKE IAN AND HIS BROTHER KIERAN,

JUST TO GO TO THE PUB--

THOUGH AS OUR BUTCHER'S ASSISTANT, SIOBHAN WILL GLADLY TELL YOU,

KIERAN O'DONNELL HAS THE CONSTITUTION OF AN OX...

AND THE WITS TO MATCH.

OF COURSE, YOU CAN ALWAYS DROWN YOUR SORROWS IN PAT AND KATE'S BAR.

AND I'M GOOD AT THAT,

WHICH PLEASES MY MA NO END.

I THINK SHE'D RATHER I WERE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF FATHER MALLONE.

HE'LL TRY ANYTHING TO GET HIS FLOCK TO CHURCH.

HE'S JUST AMPLIFIED THE BELL TOWER,

STARTED THE KILVARA FILM SOCIETY...

AND HE'S EVEN GOT PAT AND KATE TO SHUT THE PUB...

SO HE'S GUARANTEED A GOOD TURNOUT.

THERE'S A FILM EVERY SECOND THURSDAY.

SO FAR THIS YEAR, WE'VE SEEN THE SONG OF BERNADETTE,

SAINT JOAN AND THE KEYS OF THE KINGDOM.

IT'S THE TEN COMMANDMENTS TONIGHT.

OR IT WILL BE, ONCE FATHER'S GONE THROUGH...

A FEW OF HIS VITAL BITS OF BUSINESS.

I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE CONTRIBUTED RAFFLE PRIZES...

TO THE ST. MARTHA'S DAY DANCE AT THE END OF THE MONTH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MRS. DUNCANNON.

- NOW, UH-- - SORRY I'M LATE, FATHER.

[ Crowd Murmurs ]

ALSO, REGARDING THE OVERSEAS AID THING,

MAY I ASK THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE TROUBLE...

TO LEAVE A PILE OF THEIR OLD CLOTHES ON THE CHURCH DOORSTEP...

WHETHER NEXT TIME THEY MIGHT CONSIDER WASHING THEM FIRST?

LORD, YOU MAKE THE EFFORT, AND THAT'S THE THANKS YOU GET. AND FINALLY--

- NEVER. THERE'S PEOPLE STILL AWAKE. - I AM DELIGHTED TO ANNOUNCE...

THAT THE NEW BELLS HAVE ARRIVED.

NOW, I KNOW THERE HAS BEEN STRONG OPPOSITION IN SOME QUARTERS--

- [ Door Slams ] - NEARLY THERE, FATHER.

UH, BUT, HOWEVER,

I THINK EVEN THE SKEPTICS WILL AGREE...

THAT THESE ARE A MORE THAN ADEQUATE COMPROMISE.

[ Bell Tolling Loudly ]

ST. PETER'S ITSELF.

WHAT? [ Others Laughing ]

ST. P--

[ Tolling Stops ] THE, UH, SPEAKER SYSTEM...

STILL NEEDS A LITTLE FINE-TUNING.

HOWEVER, IT HAS RECORDINGS FROM ALL THE MAJOR CHURCHES AROUND THE WORLD...

AT A FRACTION OF THE COST OF REPLACING THE OLD BELLS.

UH, SO THANK GOD FOR MODERN TECHNOLOGY.

- [ Man ] - OKAY, FATHER. RIGHT. GOOD. WE'RE READY. UH--

- OKAY, MICKEY. - HOORAY.

LIGHTS OFF, MICKEY. ENJOY THE MOVIE--

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

[ Man ] WHOO, WHOO, WHOO! [ Person ] SHH!

THAT'S NEVER MOSES. SHUT UP. IT'S LOOKING PROMISING.

- CHARLTON HESTON-- - SHUT UP.

- WHO'S ANNA CHRISTMAS? - [ Person ] SHH!

[ Pat ] THAT'S BO DEREK. THEY'VE SENT THE WRONG FILM.

I DON'T SEE ANYBODY COMPLAINING.

[ Kieran ] OH, YES. OH, MY GOD.

[ Woman ] IT'S NOT THE RIGHT FILM.

IT IS. YOU'VE FORGOTTEN THIS BIT. THE RED SEA. LOOK.

WHERE'S YOUR MAN MOSES? HE'LL BE ON IN A MINUTE.

HE'S JUST GETTING THE ISRAELITES TOGETHER. THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE.

[ Man ] SEND THEM OUT FOR ICE CREAM. [ Woman ] THIS IS DISGUSTING.

- FATHER. - I WONDER WHETHER THIS MIGHT BE A TRAILER.

- [ Man ] WHERE'S SHE GOING? - [ Man #2 ] OCH!

- IT'S A MIRACLE. - [ Laughter ]

- THIS IS NOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. - [ Man ] I CAN'T SEE.

- GET OFF! - I DID NOT PAY MY GOOD MONEY...

TO COME AND SEE THIS-- THIS FILTH.

IT'S NICE TO GET A SURPRISE ONCE IN A WHILE. [ Man ] GET OUT OF THE WAY.

FATHER MALLONE. FATHER! [ Laughter ]

THAT'S ENOUGH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

- MICKEY, LIGHTS, PLEASE. - WHAT?

- AW, NO. - [ Mallone ] THANKS.

I'M AFRAID THAT'LL HAVE TO BE IT FOR TONIGHT.

BUT, SEEING AS WE'RE ALL HERE TOGETHER,

WHAT ABOUT A SPOT OF COMMUNITY SINGING?

[ Bicycle Bell Rings ]

- [ Ollie ] AHH. - BLOODY HELL, OLLIE.

IT WAS JUST A FILM. YEAH, BUT SEEING HER THERE PUT IT ALL INTO PERSPECTIVE.

[ Sean ] WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I MEAN, I LOVE IT HERE--

YOU LADS, THE BAR-- BUT I'D GIVE IT ALL UP FOR HER.

[ Pat ] WHO? BO DEREK.

- BO DEREK? - YEAH. IF BO CALLED, I'D GO.

HER SORT EAT YOUR SORT FOR BREAKFAST.

IF BO DEREK CAME LOOKING FOR YOU, I WOULDN'T WORRY YOURSELF, OLLIE.

YOU'RE NOT HER TYPE. AND HOW DO YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE I DO.

AND WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE OUT IN HOLLYWOOD OR WHEREVER IT IS SHE LIVES?

AYE, HE'S GOT A POINT. NO, HE DOES NOT HAVE A POINT.

HOLLYWOOD ACTRESSES DO NOT-- NOT IF THEY HAVE ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER--

HOOK UP WITH AGRICULTURAL RUBBER JOINTING SALESMEN. THEY DO NOT.

- SO WHO DO THEY GO FOR? - WHO? BO DEREK'S SORT?

KIDS-- KEEP 'EM FEELING YOUNG. YOU'D BE RIGHT UP BO'S STREET.

SHE'D BETTER HURRY, THEN. [ Pat ] WHY? PAMMY ANDERSON GOT HER EYE ON HIM? [ Laughs ]

PLENTY OF LOCAL BEAUTIES LINING UP, I'LL BET-- GOOD-LOOKING LAD LIKE SEAN.

BEAUTIES? AROUND HERE? YOU'RE JOKING.

MUST BE COMING OUT WHEN WE'RE TUCKED UP IN BED, EH, KATE?

COME ON, YOU. IT'S TIME.

MUM. COME ON.

GOOD NIGHT, DA.

[ Door Closes ] YOU'RE RIGHT, THOUGH, PAT, YOU KNOW?

THERE ARE NO DECENT WOMEN AROUND HERE.

- THEY'VE ALL MOVED TO THE BIG CITY. - THERE'S ALWAYS MRS. O'LEARY.

OH, COME ON. DEARIE O'LEARY? YOU'RE JOKING.

SHE'S NICE ENOUGH, THOUGH SHE'S A BIT PAST HER SELL-BY DATE.

SO I'VE HEARD. [ Laughter ]

YOU SEE? THIS IS MY POINT.

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD MY MA. I STILL WOULDN'T BE LIVING AT HOME...

IF THE VILLAGE WAS BURSTING WITH HOT STUFF. [ Door Opens, Closes ]

PAT, CAN ME BROTHER USE THE GENTS?

ALL RIGHT.

GO ON AND LEARN YOUR LESSON.

SIOBHAN, LOOK, YOU'RE THE OPPOSITE SEX, AREN'T YOU?

MAYBE YOU CAN HELP. WHAT'S THAT?

SEE, WE'RE LOOKING FOR ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WITH A VIEW TO MARRIAGE.

AND WHY MIGHT I BE ABLE TO HELP, DO YOU THINK?

WELL, THAT COUSIN OF YOURS BERNADETTE DID A BIT OF MODELING ONCE UPON A TIME.

ANY CHANCE OF GETTING HER DOWN FOR THE WEEKEND?

WE DON'T SPEAK THAT OFTEN. SHE'S A BIT COMMON FOR MY TASTE.

DON'T LET THAT PUT YOU OFF DOING THE RIGHT THING.

NO. SHE'S STILL FAMILY, AFTER ALL,

SO I'LL WARN HER TO STAY A MILLION MILES AWAY FROM YOU, KIERAN O'DONNELL.

[ Laughter ]

IT'S A BACHELOR'S LIFE FOR YOU, AND YOU MAY AS WELL ADMIT IT.

YOU COULD PUT A FULL-PAGE AD IN THE IRISH TIMES, AND YOU'D GET NO TAKERS.

NO ONE'S THAT DESPERATE, RIGHT, PAT? COME ON.

[ Laughter ]

AW, SHE'S NO SENSE OF HUMOR, THAT GIRL.

SHE WORKS FOR YOU. YOU WOULDN'T USE THE IRISH TIMES, WOULD YOU?

ANY OF THE DUBLIN PAPERS...

WOULDN'T GET THE WOMEN TO TREK ALL THE WAY UP HERE.

HMM. YOU HAVE THE CORK EXAMINER--

[ Others Chuckle ] THE SHANAGARRY GAZETTE.

- KILLARNEY'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE SOME FINE-LOOKING WOMEN. - OR THERE'S GALWAY.

- AYE, AYE. - [ Pat ] WATERFORD'S YOUR SPOT.

SEE, WHEN I WAS PLAYING AWAY THERE WITH THE TEAM,

- I WAS ON THREE GIRLS A NIGHT. - [ Laughter ]

[ Sean ] I HEARD THE GIRLS IN KINSALE ARE NICE. YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.

I'M NOT. YOU ARE. WHAT ABOUT CONNEMARA?

LADS, CAN WE NOT GET A BROAD AGREEMENT?

ALL I WANT'S A DESTINATION-- SOMEWHERE TO PLACE THE AD.

[ Pat ] MIAMI.

IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR MISS APRIL-- [ Man ] OHH.

♪♪ [ "Bolero" Playing ] [ Dudley Moore ] AHH.

MMM. YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

[ Bo Derek ] MMM. OH, GOD.

[ Girl ] ALL DONE.

RIGHT. TIME FOR BED.

COME ON. QUICKLY, QUICKLY, QUICKLY, QUICKLY.

AAH! [ Both Laugh ]

GOTCHA.

MA,

HOW LONG BEFORE I HAVE BREASTS?

WHAT? WHY?

OH, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

NOW, LISTEN, YOU-- YOU'VE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.

AND, ANYWAY, BOYS LIKE GIRLS FOR LOTS OF REASONS.

LOADS--

BECAUSE THEY'RE INTERESTING...

OR CLEVER...

OR BECAUSE THEY'RE FUNNY.

NOT JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE OBVIOUS BREASTS AND WEAR SKIMPY SWIMSUITS.

REALLY? ABSOLUTELY.

[ Chattering ]

RIGHT! SHUT UP! THAT'S ENOUGH!

[ Chattering Stops ] THANK YOU.

NOW, WE'VE GOT TO AGREE ON THIS.

KIERAN, WOULD YOU?

GOOD MAN. GET UP THERE. GO ON, KIERAN.

GO ON, KIERAN. THANK YOU.

RIGHT. ARE YOU READY? THIS IS IT.

[ Clears Throat ]

- "WANTED: SEXY, YOUNG"-- - "ATTRACTIVE," KIERAN. WE SETTLED ON "ATTRACTIVE."

"ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMEN...

"TO SHARE IN THE GREAT OUTDOOR LIFE.

- INDOOR FACILITIES ALSO AVAILABLE." - [ Laughter ]

THAT BIT'S IN BRACKETS. RIGHT. NEW LINE.

- "IRISH MEN INVITE SEXY"-- - THAT "SEXY" WENT AS WELL, KIERAN.

- FOR GOD'S SAKE, KIERAN, WILL YOU READ IT AS IT IS? - [ Sean ] JUST READ IT.

SORRY--

"INVITE AMERICAN WOMEN TO JOIN THEM...

"FOR THEIR ANNUAL ST. MARTHA'S DAY DANCE...

WITH A VIEW THEREAFTER TO MARRIAGE."

- MM-HMM. - "IDEAL AGE RANGE BETWEEN 20 AND 21."

[ Men ] WHOO! "MUST BE FIT AND SPORTY."

- WHOO-HOO! - THINK THEY'LL GET THE MEANING FROM THAT LAST BIT?

[ Laughter ]

"YOUR WOULD-BE CELTIC COUSINS...

ARE RICH-- WEALTHY"--

"SOLVENT." "SOLVENT."

IT'S CROSSED OUT. [ Men Gripe ]

"ARE SOLVENT,

"FIT AND ABLE TO SUPPLY FRESHLY SLAUGHTERED MEAT AND GAME IN ABUNDANCE."

GOOD ONE, KIERAN. YEAH.

"ALL IN ALL, AN IRRESISTIBLE PACKAGE."

- [ Laughter ] - WELL, THAT SAYS IT ALL, EH?

WAAH!

[ Men Slap Hands ] GOD BLESS AMERICA.

[ Kieran ] ♪ I'D LIKE TO BE IN AMERICA ♪

♪ EVERYTHING'S FREE IN AMERICA ♪ [ Knock On Door ]

FOR THE LAST TIME, WILL YOU HURRY UP?

I'M ALMOST DONE. [ Sighs ]

I'VE ANIMALS TO SEE TO.

SO HAVE I.

YEAH, WELL, YOURS ARE DEAD. THEY CAN WAIT THAT BIT LONGER.

♪ I'D LIKE TO BE IN AMERICA ♪

♪ EVERYTHING'S FREE IN AMERICA ♪

IAN, YOUR BODY IS A TEMPLE,

AND YOU CAN'T RUSH ON THE UPKEEP.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOUR BROTHER, KIERAN-- MAN OF FULSOME APPETITE...

IN ALL THINGS BAD FOR YOU-- IS NO MORE.

NO. A LEAN, MEAN,

SEDUCING MACHINE...

IS ABOUT TO BREAK COVER.

WHAT?

[ Panting ] PRESS-UPS.

- JUST THE ONE? - AND SEVEN AND A HALF SIT-UPS.

PLUS, I'VE HAD NOTHING TO DRINK ALL DAY.

IT'S HALF-EIGHT IN THE MORNING.

GOING SOMEWHERE?

JUST OFF TO THE OLD TEAM REUNION. MIGHT BE A BIT LATE.

YOU DON'T MIND, THOUGH, EH, LOVE? WHY WOULD I?

JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE BACK BEFORE ELLA GOES TO SLEEP.

AND WIPE THE LIPSTICK OFF THIS TIME.

OH, COME ON, KATE. DON'T BE LIKE THAT.

YOU TAKING ME TO SCHOOL, DA? SORRY, PET.

YOUR DA'S GOT OTHER THINGS ON HIS MIND.

THERE YOU GO. OH. THANKS, MARY.

THANK YOU, DOLLIE.

MRS. DOYLE. ALL RIGHT?

- STILL ALIVE, THANK GOD. - GLAD TO HEAR IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SON? NOTHING.

I PUT THE MONEY IN THE TILL. LEAVE IT.

YOU'LL BE LATE FOR IAN. I'LL DO IT.

NO. THE THING IS, IT'S FOR THE LADS, ACTUALLY, MUM.

REALLY, IT'S-- IT'S NO BOTHER AT ALL.

RIGHT.

I'LL BE OFF, THEN.

[ Bell Rings ] KATE.

SEAN, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

KATE. MARY.

[ Dollie ] HOW ARE YOU, KATE? GRAND, THANKS, DOLLIE.

YOU'RE LOOKING WELL. OH.

"MIAMI HERALD, FLORIDA."

[ Dollie ] MIAMI?

TEA, ANYONE?

[ Kate ] "TWENTY, TWENTY-ONE. MUST BE FIT AND SPORTY."

WHO ON EARTH DO THEY THINK WOULD ANSWER THIS AD? [ Dollie ] FILIPINOS?

FROM MIAMI? I DON'T THINK SO.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING OF?

I KNEW SOMETHING WAS GOING ON, BUT THIS--

I'M SICK TELLING SEAN WHAT'LL COME OF HIS HANGING ROUND THAT BAR,

BUT WILL HE LISTEN?

AND IT'S NOT JUST KIERAN, IS IT?

IT'S ALL OF THEM. ALL THE SINGLE ONES.

[ Door Opens ]

[ Man ] MARY?

[ Door Closes ]

SORRY I'M LATE. FALLEN A BIT BEHIND TODAY.

LADIES. HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING FOR ME?

- JUST THE ONE, BRIAN. - CHEERS.

[ Door Opens ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Women Shouting ]

[ Whistle Blows ]

[ Whistle Blows ]

YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE SENT THAT LETTER ON.

AW, COME ON, SIOBHAN, YOU HEARD WHAT WAS IN IT.

IF IT'S FUN YOU'RE WANTING, LET'S GET AFTER THE RINGLEADERS WITH A COUPLE OF BRICKS.

SORT THE RANDY SO-AND-SOS OUT.

IS THERE ANY PARTICULAR RANDY SO-AND-SO YOU'RE THINKING OF THERE, SIOBHAN?

OOH. [ Laughs ] NO.

NO ONE SPECIFIC, THEN, WHO YOU MAYBE COME INTO CONTACT WITH ON A DAILY BASIS?

KATE, I'M SURE WE ALL KNOW PEOPLE...

WHO ARE MORE INTERESTED IN THESE AMERICAN WOMEN THAN THEY OUGHT TO BE,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT BOTHERS US, DOES IT?

OH, COME ON, SIOBHAN. IT'S A BIT OF FUN, THAT'S ALL.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL. ALL RIGHT, THEN,

BUT JUST LET THAT KIERAN O'DONNELL SAY ONE WRONG WORD TO ME.

[ Kieran ] WHAT AMERICAN WOMEN WANT IS A BIT OF STYLE.

SEE? I IRONED THAT MESELF.

MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE, YOU KNOW, THINGS LIKE THAT.

HERE. NO. SMELL THIS.

GO ON. NO? SEE, THAT'S BRUTUS,

AND IT'S NAMED AFTER THIS ROMAN FELLA.

IT'S FULL OF THESE PHERO-SOMETHINGS. IT DRIVES WOMEN WILD.

[ Women Chattering ]

KATE. KIERAN.

ATTITUDE OF MIND. WHAT?

MOST OF THE LADS IN HERE, YOU SEE, THEY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND AN UNDERARM DEODORANT...

IF IT JUST JUMPED UP AND BIT THEM IN THE FACE.

SEE, I WAS SAYING TO IAN, BUT HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, IT'S A WASTE THE WAY HE TURNS HIMSELF OUT.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. MMM.

GOD, IT CAN'T BE EASY, HUH?

SURROUNDED BY ALL THIS TESTOSTERONE NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, HUH?

♪♪ [ Music Playing ]

[ Sniffs ] GOD, WHAT'S THE SMELL?

AHEM.

[ Siobhan ] THEY BEAT US, 20-21.

WHAT? TONIGHT. THE GAME.

TWENTY, TWENTY-ONE? IT WAS JUST THE WAY IT TURNED OUT.

YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG THERE, GIRLS.

NEW PLAYERS-- THAT'S WHAT WE NEED, IF WE'RE GOING TO PUT THE EDGE BACK IN IT.

YOU'RE RIGHT. ALL THE DRAMA'S GONE. PERHAPS WE SHOULD ADVERTISE.

YEAH. SOMEONE YOUNG, FIT AND SPORTY AND READY FOR ACTION.

HMM. ONLY WHAT DO WE HAVE INSTEAD?

HALF AN HOUR EACH WAY WITH THE SAME OLD CREW. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GIRLS?

[ Women ] YEAH.

YEAH. THESE DAYS, I JUST CLOSE MY EYES AND DREAM OF THE FINAL WHISTLE.

I'M SURE WE CAN JUST KEEP ON HOPING, HUH?

SLAINTE. [ Women ] SLAINTE.

ADVERTISE?

[ Laughs ] WHAT?

YOU'RE A WICKED WOMAN. YOU KNOW, DON'T YOU?

- [ Laughs ] - [ Bell Tolling ]

[ Barking ] [ Bicycle Bell Rings ]

[ Ollie ] ALL RIGHT, PAT. OLLIE.

WHAT'S ALL THIS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WITH THE FLOWERS. WELL, THEY'RE MOSTLY BEGONIAS,

BUT I THOUGHT I'D DROP IN A FEW GERANIUMS--

GIVE IT A MORE FLUID LINE OF COLOR ACROSS THE WHOLE DISPLAY.

SO, THEY ARE YOURS, THEN? I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AFTER THEM FOR SOMEONE?

[ Siobhan ] THEY'RE NICE. THANK YOU.

DID YOU ARRANGE THEM YOURSELF? YEAH. YEAH, I DID.

HMM. WHAT?

IT'S JUST THAT I NEVER IMAGINED YOU BEING SO DELICATE.

DELICATE?

- ♪♪ [ Whistling "America" ] - [ Door Bell Jingles ]

[ Radio ] KILVARA-- IT'S THE PLACE TO BE ON THE 30th OF MAY.

SO HURRY NOW TO AVOID DISAPPOINTMENT.

TIME TO GET THAT GOOD SUIT OUT OF THE BACK OF THE WARDROBE, LADS,

AND, LADIES, THERE WILL NEVER BE A BETTER TIME TO SPLASH OUT ON A NEW DRESS.

[ Siobhan ] YOU FORGET, DON'T YOU?

- WHAT? - PAT-- HOW GOOD LOOKING HE IS.

HE COULD STILL HAVE HIS PICK, COULDN'T HE?

I MEAN, PROFESSIONAL SPORTSMEN--

NEVER LEAVES 'EM, DOES IT?

SIOBHAN, HOLD THE FORT. SHAN'T BE LONG.

[ Door Bell Jingles ]

KIERAN. HOW YOU DOING?

FINE. JUST FINE.

I'D LIKE YOU TO WASH IT, PLEASE, GIOVANNI.

WASH IT? WATER, YOU KNOW.

WATER? WHY? BECAUSE.

BECAUSE IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

IT'S BEEN NEVER.

I HAVE NEVER WASHED YOUR HAIR, KIERAN.

I'VE NEVER WASHED ANYONE'S HAIR, EVER.

WELL, THEN, OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS.

LOOK, HERE'S THE DEAL, GIOVANNI.

I WANT TO LOOK LIKE THE ONE PERSON IN THIS VILLAGE WORTH GETTING TO KNOW.

I WANT TO WALK THROUGH THOSE DOORS LOOKING LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS.

CAPISCE?

[ Thunder ]

AHH.

GIOVANNI.

[ Chatting ]

I HEARD YOU WERE VERY GOOD.

MORNING.

KIERAN! YES?

[ Softly ] OH, MY GOD.

NOW, NOW, THEN, WHO NEEDS SOME ASSISTANCE?

HERE. KATE, YOURS, I BELIEVE?

AYE, IT IS.

THERE YOU GO. THANK YOU.

AND...

MAY I SAY HOW ATTRACTIVE YOU'RE LOOKING TODAY?

YOU'RE NOT LOOKING SO BAD YOURSELF, KIERAN.

[ Thunder ]

RIGHT. LET'S SERVE THE REST OF YOU LOVELY LADIES, SHALL WE?

SIOBHAN? COME ON, TRY AND CONCENTRATE. THERE'S A GOOD GIRL.

SIOBHAN. SIOBHAN! SIOBHAN!

DIRTY ANIMAL.

[ Bell Tolling ]

[ Chatting ]

OH, JESUS.

I TELL YOU WHAT, KIERAN, MARILYN MONROE WOULD BE DEAD JEALOUS.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE STATE OF THAT?

PRETTY EYE-CATCHING, EH?

- GIOVANNI'S TAKEN PHOTOS. - FOR AN INSURANCE CLAIM?

TO PUT ON THE WALL, YOU KNOW. SHOW WHAT HE'S CAPABLE OF.

THAT SHOULD MAKE PEOPLE SIT STILL. COME ON. THE PRIEST IS HERE.

[ Mallone ] THANK YOU. [ Man ] FATHER.

GOD, I HOPE THIS DOESN'T TAKE TOO LONG.

I HAVE A QUARTER-INCH SILICONE REPEATER VALVE WAITING FOR ME.

ANY IDEA WHAT HE WANTS US FOR?

- MAIL-ORDER BRIDES, PAT. - NEEDS MUST, I'M AFRAID, FATHER.

THE POINT IS, THEY HAVEN'T GONE TO ALL THIS TROUBLE FOR A FEW CHEAP SEXUAL THRILLS.

[ Softly ] WE'LL TAKE IT, THOUGH.

MARRIAGE-- THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.

THEY WANT NO MORE THAN TO STAND IN FRONT OF YOU IN THIS BEAUTIFUL BUILDING...

AND HEAR YOU DECLARE THEM MARRIED.

ME?

BUT, SURE, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY--

OF COURSE, YOU'VE ONLY EVER DONE FUNERALS.

I KNOW HOW TO, IT'S JUST,

WELL, THERE'S NEVER BEEN ANY CALL.

EXACTLY. JUST THINK OF IT.

AT LAST, ON YOUR OWN PATCH, IN YOUR OWN CHURCH,

WITH THE ACCOMPANYING BELLS OF OUR LADY OF VICTORIES, BRAZIL,

JOINING TOGETHER TWO LOVING INDIVIDUALS.

WHAT COULD BE MORE NATURAL IN THE EYES OF GOD?

[ Men Murmuring ]

AND WHEN WILL THIS... AD ACTUALLY BE APPEARING?

NEXT SATURDAY, SECOND EDITION.

AND THEN THE LADIES--

THEY'LL NEED TIME TO GET ORGANIZED-- THEIR AIR TICKETS AND STUFF--

SO WE THOUGHT THAT THE DANCE IS A PERFECT OCCASION FOR US ALL...

TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER A BIT BETTER.

IN WHICH CASE, I WANT YOU BOYS TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING VERY CLEARLY.

- WHAT? - [ Clears Throat ]

NOW, I FULLY APPRECIATE THAT--

GIVEN THE SITUATION THAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE--

THAT THERE IS BOUND TO BE A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF--

- ISN'T THERE? - [ Chuckling ]

I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T...

BUY THE FIRST SUIT YOU SEE IN A SHOP, WOULD YOU?

YOU'D EXPECT TO TRY ON A FEW BEFORE YOU'D PART WITH YOUR CASH.

HOWEVER, THERE HAVE TO BE LIMITS.

I MEAN, ENDLESSLY SLIPPING ON ONE JACKET AFTER ANOTHER--

THE POINT IS,

I KNOW A GOOD SUIT WHEN I SEE ONE--

THE CUT, THE CLOTH,

THE SILKY, SOFT FEEL OF IT AGAINST YOUR SKIN.

NOW, I KNOW HOW TEMPTING IT IS...

TO BURST THROUGH THAT SHOP DOOR,

A SEETHING MASS OF ACQUISITIVENESS--

RIFLING YOUR WAY THROUGH THE RAILS...

UNTIL ALL THAT'S LEFT IN YOUR WAKE...

IS A PILE OF DISCARDED FRENZY!

UH, SO WE MUST TRY AND RESTRICT OURSELVES...

TO A LITTLE BIT OF... WINDOW-SHOPPING,

UNTIL YOU ARE QUITE SURE YOU HAVE FOUND THE GARMENT THAT WILL FIT YOU.

NOW, IF THAT'S ALL PERFECTLY CLEAR,

YOU HAVE MY BLESSING.

IF HE WANTED A NEW SUIT OUT OF THE DEAL, HE SHOULD JUST COME CLEAN AND SAID SO.

YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT. WHAT ARE YOU TAKING HIS SIDE FOR?

IAN, IF ANYONE'S ENTITLED, YOU SHOULD GET IN THERE, GET YOURSELF A GIRL.

'CAUSE YOU'RE A GOOD BLOKE. EVEN FOR A BROTHER, YOU ARE.

THANKS. I'VE WORKED IT ALL OUT, IAN.

THE KEEN ONES, THEY COULD BE PULLING UP HERE ANYTIME BETWEEN NOW AND FRIDAY.

THAT'S EVEN ALLOWING FOR A SHORT DELAY WHILE THEY WAIT FOR A BUS.

GOD, I HOPE YOU DON'T GET KILLED IN THE RUSH. I'M READY.

YOU REALLY THINK THEY'RE GONNA COME, DON'T YOU? WHY WOULDN'T THEY?

REMEMBER THAT VALERIE CLACTON FROM DONCASTER?

YEAH.

THREE MONTHS IT TOOK ME TO GET OVER HER.

I COULDN'T SPEAK. I KNOW.

SO EXOTIC.

MIAMI. FOR GOD'S SAKE!

[ Barking ]

[ Laughing ]

HEY.

[ Breathing Deeply ]

AHH.

[ Jingling ]

[ Breathing Deeply ]

MA, I DON'T WANT YOU WORRYING ABOUT ME...

ON THIS AMERICAN THING.

I'M NOT. YOU'RE A SENSIBLE BOY.

I KNOW, BUT--

WELL, WHAT I MEAN IS-- [ Sighs ]

WELL, IF I DO MEET A WOMAN--

THESE THINGS HAPPEN, OLLIE.

YES, BUT I DON'T WANT IT UPSETTING YOU, MA.

I TRY AND COPE.

IN FACT, I WAS JUST THINKING WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR ROOM.

NO. THERE'S NO NEED, MA.

[ Sighs ]

LISTEN.

I INTEND TO BRING MY BRIDE BACK HERE TO LIVE.

YOU'LL NOT BE LOSING HAVING ME AROUND THE PLACE.

WELL, WE'LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE COME TO IT, EH?

AND ANOTHER THING,

I DON'T WANT YOU SEARCHING OUT SOME MOUSY LITTLE NUMBER...

JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK SHE MIGHT FIT IN HERE.

IF IT'S A FUN-LOVING, ALL-AMERICAN BALL-BREAKER YOU FANCY,

YOU GO RIGHT ON AHEAD.

OKAY. I WILL.

YEAH. YEAH.

THANKS, MA.

GOOD HUNTING, SON.

[ Mickey ] OLLIE?

- ALL RIGHT. - MICKEY?

HOW YOU DOING? GOOD. HEH.

WHAT BRINGS YOU UP? OCH, JUST OUT FOR A WALK, YOU KNOW.

OH, ME, TOO.

[ Kieran ] OI! YOU TWO!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

SHOULDN'T YOU BE AT WORK?

I AM.

I MEAN, I'M ON ME WAY. WHICH IS WHERE YOU OUGHT TO.

I'M SEARCHING FOR RABBITS.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

QUE SERA, SERA.

THAT'S KIERAN O'DONNELL'S ATTITUDE. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

WHEN THOSE AMERICAN GIRLS GET OFF THAT BUS,

THEY'LL WANT TO SEE SOME SOPHISTICATION.

PAT. OLLIE.

KIERAN. MICKEY. PAT.

RABBITS. WORK.

[ Sniffs ] TRAINING.

WHAT? SEVENTY-FIVE PRESS-UPS THIS MORNING.

- ONE AFTER THE OTHER? - [ Mickey ] THERE'S THE BUS.

HERE'S THE BUS.

OH, NO. THERE'S NO ONE GETTING OFF.

THERE ARE NO BUNNIES AROUND HERE.

[ Radio Playing ] [ Chopping ]

[ Chopping Continues ]

BUSY? NO.

ANYONE AT ALL? NO.

[ Giggling ]

THE POST'S BEEN.

NO REPLIES AGAIN?

- NAH. - OH, DEAR.

WELL, WE ALWAYS KNEW IT'D BE SHORT NOTICE, YOU KNOW.

THEY PROBABLY DECIDED IT'S BETTER TO GET STRAIGHT OVER FOR THE SHINDIG, YOU KNOW,

RATHER THAN WASTE TIME WRITING TO US FIRST.

OH, THAT'LL BE IT FOR SURE.

[ Scribbling ]

[ Chopping Louder ] SIOBHAN,

TAKE IT EASY, WILL YOU?

LOOK, YOU'RE ALL UPTIGHT.

I'VE NOTICED THAT LATELY-- UPSETTING YOURSELF...

'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT COPING WITH BEING A COUNTRY GIRL.

NOW, THAT'S NOT A CRITICISM, YOU KNOW?

BUT IT IS A FACT.

IT'S A FACT THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE WORLD OF THE SOPHISTICATES,

THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE--

WHICH, LET'S BE HONEST, THOSE AMERICAN GIRLS HAVE INHABITED FOR YEARS.

SEE, NOW, THAT'S BOTHERING YOU.

WELL, WHAT I SAY IS, DON'T LET IT.

RURAL GIRLS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND FASHION AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

THEY'RE BUILT TO ROLL UP THEIR SLEEVES...

AND, YOU KNOW, GET THEIR HANDS DIRTY.

SIOBHAN, JUST RELAX, WILL YOU?

STOP BEING SO TENSE.

'CAUSE YOU'RE MORE THAN ACCEPTABLE, YOU KNOW,

IN YOUR OWN WAY.

HONEST, YOU ARE. [ Chops ]

KATE, DO I LOOK LIKE A COUNTRY GIRL TO YOU?

NO. OF COURSE NOT.

WHAT MAKES YOU ASK THAT?

OH, THAT KIERAN. DOESN'T MATTER.

- WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM? - TELL HIM WHAT? WHAT AN IDIOT HE IS?

NO. THAT YOU LIKE HIM.

LIKE HIM? DON'T BE DAFT.

I TELL YOU, I DON'T CARE HOW SOPHISTICATED THOSE AMERICAN GIRLS ARE,

I PITY THE ONE WHO ANSWERS THAT STUPID AD.

"FIT AND SPORTY, AGED 20-21." AYE.

WE'D GO FOR SOMETHING A BIT MORE... EXOTIC, WOULDN'T WE?

EXOTIC?

SEAN, A WOMAN IS A WOMAN.

IF YOU'VE A GRASP OF THE BASIC HUMAN SKILLS,

YOU'VE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. [ Spits ]

WHAT I'M SAYING IS, IT'S A COMPLICATED BUSINESS, THAT'S ALL.

I MEAN, WHAT IF-- [ Zips ]

WHAT'LL HAPPEN TO YOUR MAM IF IT DOES WORK OUT WITH ONE OF THESE WOMEN?

I'M NOT UNREASONABLE. [ Splashing ]

THE CELLAR'S BEEN DAMP-PROOFED. SEE, THIS IS MY POINT.

EVERYBODY'S CAUGHT UP IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT.

NOBODY'S THINKING OF THE FUTURE, WHAT LIES AHEAD.

OLLIE, ARE YOU LISTENING? [ Splashing Stops ]

OLLIE, WHAT'S WRONG?

MY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

WHAT'S THE MATTER? I CAN'T DO IT, SEAN.

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER-- BEDROOM-TYPE STUFF. WHAT?

DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE A--

ONLY TECHNICALLY. [ Laughs ]

IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T PRACTICED. IT'S JUST--

WELL, IT'S NOT THE SAME, IS IT?

AND THERE'S GONNA COME A TIME--

TOMORROW. CHRIST!

[ Zips ] I NEED THE FEMALE PERSPECTIVE ON THIS.

[ Women Laughing ]

ALL RIGHT. IDEAL MAN.

WHOO! [ Pounding ]

WE HAVE FIVE VOTES FOR FRANCE. MMM! MMM!

TWO FOR SCOTLAND. HA, HA, HA!

- ZERO FOR IRELAND. - WHEE!

ONE FOR FIJI.

AND SIX FOR ITALY! WHOO! HA, HA!

SO, WHERE DO WE FIND THESE ITALIAN STALLIONS, THEN?

- WHAT ABOUT THAT WAITER IN BUNDORAN? - NAH, HE'S POLISH.

THE BUS DRIVER-- DOES THE FRIDAY RUN?

JACKIE'S FROM CORK. HE'S VERY DARK-SKINNED.

THAT'S 'CAUSE HE NEVER WASHES. WHAT ABOUT GIOVANNI'S YOUNGER BROTHER?

- HE'S HALF-ITALIAN. - AYE, BUT IT'S NOT HIS INTERESTING HALF.

LET'S FACE IT. THERE'S NOTHING EXOTIC AROUND HERE.

YES, THERE IS. THERE'S SPANISH.

- SPANISH. - IT'S THE FISHING SEASON, GIRLS.

JUST A QUESTION OF CASTING OUR NETS.

[ Men Laughing And Speaking Spanish ] ♪♪ [ Playing Guitar ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

[ Siobhan ] HELLO, BOYS!

[ Chuckles ]

OLLIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M A MAN, SEAN. I KNOW THAT.

MY GOD, YOU NEVER DID.

HOW? I KNOW HOW. I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED?

YOUR PARTNER WAS OF THE TWO-LEGGED VARIETY, I HOPE.

SEAN! SORRY.

IT'S JUST, AROUND HERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO?

YOU DIDN'T. MRS. O'LEARY?

ELEVENTH HOUR. WHAT CAN YOU DO?

BUT A GOAL'S A GOAL.

SO, WHAT WAS IT LIKE?

[ Inhales Deeply ]

THAT GOOD?

YOU CAN'T BE A BIT MORE SPECIFIC?

"TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN--

"ESPECIALLY FOREIGN VISITORS:

"THIS IS TO CERTIFY THAT I, MRS. N. O'LEARY,

"HAVE ENJOYED A THOROUGH SESSION WITH OLLIE DOYLE.

"HE'S ALL MAN, AND A DAMN FINE TIME CAN BE HAD WITH HIM.

THIS IS TRUE. SIGNED, MRS. O'LEARY."

OLLIE? WHAT?

WHAT?

[ Sighs ]

WHAT HAPPENED? AHH.

I JUST COULDN'T.

I MEAN, SHE WAS LOVELY AND ALL.

GENTLE.

AND SHE REALLY WANTED TO HELP OUT.

IT'S JUST-- WELL, I'M NOT GONNA MARRY HER, AM I?

I MEAN, SHE'S NOT THE ONE I WANT TO SETTLE DOWN WITH.

SO WHAT DID YOU DO?

I FIXED HER BOILER.

AH, IT WAS COOKED TO HEAVEN. AND THE VALVE DIFFERENTIAL WAS SHOT.

SHE COULD HAVE BLOWN THE WHOLE PLACE UP.

SHE DID SUGGEST SOME READING, THOUGH.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "P.O. BOX"?

WELL, IT'S A BOX WHERE THINGS CAN BE DELIVERED.

WE DELIVER TO YOUR HOUSE.

BUT I DON'T WANT IT SENT TO ME HOUSE.

WHAT DON'T YOU WANT SENT TO YOUR HOUSE?

NOTHING. I-- I MEAN--

WELL, I'M TALKING HYPOTHETICALLY HERE, RIGHT?

AND WHAT I'M SAYING IS,

IN THE EVENTUALITY OF ME ACTUALLY BEING SENT SOMETHING...

WHICH I DIDN'T WANT DELIVERED UP THERE, BUT DOWN HERE,

HOW WOULD I GO ABOUT ORDERING ONE OF THOSE P.O. THINGUMMIES?

HYPOTHETICALLY.

WELL, YOU CAN'T. WE DON'T DO THEM.

OF COURSE, IF YOU WANTED TO HAVE STUFF SENT CARE OF HERE,

I'D BE HAPPY TO KEEP IT FOR YOU TILL YOU WANTED TO PICK IT UP.

RIGHT.

[ Ella Giggling ]

MWAAH! MA, I'M BACK!

I CAN SEE THAT.

HEY, COTTON WOOL HEAD, CATCH. THAT'S A DANCE YOU OWE ME TOMORROW NIGHT.

- YEAH, SURE. - RIGHT.

THANKS. SHE'S VERY EXCITED.

FIRST BIG DANCE, YOU KNOW.

YOU LEFT EARLY LAST NIGHT. YEAH.

DID KIERAN GET BACK ALL RIGHT? SORT OF.

FOUND HIM IN THE FIELD THIS MORNING. FINAL HILL DEFEATED HIM.

HE'LL BE DEAD BEFORE THOSE AMERICAN GIRLS ARRIVE.

IT'S THE ANTICIPATION THAT'S KILLING HIM.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM COMING FACE-TO-FACE WITH ONE OF THEM?

[ Sighs ] SHE'S GOT ALL THAT AHEAD OF HER.

- WHAT, DRUNKENNESS? - YEAH. DRUNKEN BOYS AND BROKEN HEARTS.

SHE'S GOT EVERYTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

YEAH, EVERYTHING.

- I COULDN'T DO IT NOW, MIND. - WHAT?

ALL THAT COURTSHIP STUFF. DON'T CARE HOW EXCITING IT IS.

YOU JUST KNOW TOO MUCH.

MAKES YOU GLAD YOU'RE OLD, DOESN'T IT?

I MEAN, ME, YOU KNOW-- OLD-- NOT--

I REALIZE.

I WASN'T-- I KNOW THAT.

- DO YOU WANT A DRINK? - [ Laughing ]

YEAH, I'LL HAVE A PINT.

ALL RIGHT, IAN. HI, PAT.

♪ WHEN I WAKE UP ♪

♪ WELL, I KNOW I'M GONNA BE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO WAKES UP NEXT TO YOU ♪

♪ WHEN I GO OUT ♪

HEY, COME ON! ♪ WELL, I KNOW I'M GONNA BE I'M GONNA BE THE MAN ♪

♪ WHO GOES ALONG WITH YOU ♪

♪ IF I GET DRUNK WELL, I KNOW I'M GONNA BE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO GETS DRUNK NEXT TO YOU ♪

♪ AND IF I HAVER YEAH, I KNOW I'M GONNA BE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO'S HAVERING TO YOU ♪

♪ BUT I WOULD WALK 500 MILES ♪

♪ AND I WOULD WALK 500 MORE ♪

♪ JUST TO BE THE MAN ♪

♪ WHO WALKED A THOUSAND MILES ♪

♪ TO FALL DOWN AT YOUR DOOR ♪

♪ WHEN I'M WORKING ♪

♪ YES, I KNOW I'M GONNA BE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO'S WORKING HARD FOR YOU ♪

♪ AND WHEN THE MONEY COMES IN FOR THE WORK I DO ♪

♪ I'LL PASS ALMOST EVERY PENNY ON TO YOU ♪

♪ AND WHEN I COME HOME I KNOW I'M GONNA BE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO COMES BACK HOME TO YOU ♪

♪ AND IF I GROW OLD I KNOW I'M GONNA BE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO'S GROWING OLD WITH YOU ♪

♪ BUT I WOULD WALK 500 MILES ♪

♪ AND I WOULD WALK 500 MORE ♪

♪ JUST TO BE THE MAN WHO WALKED ♪

♪ A THOUSAND MILES TO FALL DOWN AT YOUR DOOR ♪♪

ALL RIGHT?

LADS. OLLIE.

♪ TELL LAURA I LOVE HER ♪

♪ TELL LAURA I NEED HER ♪

♪♪ [ Continues ] [ Kate ] WE'RE OFF. THE DANCE HAS STARTED.

ELLA.

COME ON, LET'S GET MOVING, JOIN THE GIRLS.

♪ TELL LAURA I LOVE HER ♪♪

KIERAN, WHAT'S WRONG? [ Sighs ]

WHAT'S THE POINT?

WHAT, THE DANCE?

NO WOMEN.

THE AMERICAN WOMEN.

LOOK AT THAT. IT'S 8:00.

YOU KNOW, NOT RECEIVING ANY LETTERS OR PHONE CALLS, I--

BUT TONIGHT--

TONIGHT I THOUGHT THEY'D BE SWARMING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

YOU START TO WONDER. THEY'LL COME.

MAYBE NOT TONIGHT. MAYBE IT'S JUST TOO SOON, BUT THEY'LL COME.

- THEY WILL? - YEAH. I CAN FEEL IT.

WE'LL BE SITTING HERE ONE NIGHT, KIERAN, ONE NIGHT SOON.

WE'LL BE HAVING A WEE DRINK, MINDING OUR OWN BUSINESS,

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, THROUGH THAT DOOR WILL WALK A GODDESS.

HELLO. GOOD EVENING. WE ARE HERE!

[ Sailor ] WHERE IS SEÑORITA SIOBHAN?

WHERE IS THE DANCE?

♪♪ [ Folk Music Playing ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

WHERE DID YOU FIND THEM?

I DON'T CARE SO LONG AS SHE FINDS THEM AGAIN NEXT YEAR.

THERE YOU ARE NOW. GET OUT OF THAT.

YEAH! [ Laughing ]

- WILL YOU DANCE? - [ Sean ] COME ON.

- WHOO-HOO! - COME ON, SEAN!

♪♪ [ Song Ends ]

[ Applause ]

♪♪ [ New Song Playing ]

KATHLEEN, CAN I HAVE ANOTHER GIN AND TONIC WHEN YOU'RE READY, PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT. SIOBHAN.

KIERAN.

THANKS. YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE.

I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS YOU.

SO YOU LIKE IT, THEN?

LIKE IT?

IT MAKES YOU LOOK SO--

YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW?

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.

YOU WORE IT SPECIAL? LET ME GET YOU A DRINK.

NO, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT. I JUST WANT THIS ONE. THANKS. ARE YOU OFF SOMEWHERE?

WHOO. WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

MAD. HA.

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE SOMEWHERE I COULD COME TOO, YOU KNOW?

WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME?

I'M ASKING YOU, YOU KNOW,

IF YOU FANCY A BIT OF SHILLY-SHALLYING?

OH, MY GOD, KIERAN.

"OH, MY GOD," YES, OR "OH, MY GOD," NO?

[ Laughter ] [ Clapping ]

OOH, OOH!

"SHILLY-SHALLYING." [ Chuckling ]

[ Indistinct ]

KATE?

OVER HERE.

SO YOU ARE.

I DIDN'T DRAG YOU AWAY, DID I? YOU? NAH.

NO, NO. I JUST FANCIED A WALK.

HERE. HERE. THANKS.

GOD, IT CLEARS YOUR HEAD, DOESN'T IT, WHEN YOU GET OUTSIDE?

YEAH, IT DOES.

THOSE FISHERMEN SEEM TO BE MAKING THE GIRLS HAPPY.

NOT JUST THE GIRLS-- US OLDER WOMEN, TOO.

DID YOU BELIEVE THE AMERICANS WOULD COME?

NEVER GAVE IT MUCH THOUGHT.

NO, YOU DIDN'T, DID YOU?

[ Chuckles ]

SPANISH SAILORS. POOR KIERAN.

SHOULD HAVE BEEN LOOKING A BIT CLOSER TO HOME.

SIOBHAN? YEAH.

OCH, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.

SOMETIMES THE CLOSER YOU GET TO SOMETHING, THE HARDER IT IS TO SEE IT.

YEAH. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

BEAUTIFUL NIGHT, ISN'T IT? AYE. BEAUTIFUL.

♪♪ [ Music Continues ] [ Laughter ]

THE THING ABOUT THE COLLAR VALVE IS, THOUGH,

NO MATTER HOW POROUS IT IS, THE MEMBRANE THAT SURROUNDS IT--

OLLIE, CAN I STOP YOU THERE? YEAH?

YOU'RE BORING ME RIGID.

COME ON!

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER?

YOU MAKE THE EFFORT. YOU TRY AND ENCOURAGE THE PLAIN ONES, HUH?

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING. SHE'LL BE A LONG TIME GETTING DOWN OFF THE SHELF...

IF SHE CARRIES ON LIKE THAT.

CONVERSATION SKILLS OF AN OX.

HER HEAD'S BEEN TURNED. WHAT?

SHE'S HAD HER HEAD TURNED.

YOU'RE RIGHT THERE, KIERAN. FLIPPIN' INTERFERED WITH, THE LOT OF THEM.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE HIP MOVEMENT THAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?

JUST LET ME OUTSIDE WITH A COUPLE OF THEM, YOU KNOW?

SEE HOW LIGHT THEY ARE ON THEIR FEET THEN.

- MOLESTING OUR WOMEN. - GO ON, KIERAN. SORT THEM OUT.

- YEAH. GO ON, KIERAN. - GO ON, KIERAN. COME ON.

[ Pat ] ATTA BOY. [ Mickey ] GIVE IT TO THEM, KIERAN.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH. YOU CAN STOP IT NOW.

STOP IT! I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH NOW!

- ♪♪ [ Stops ] - [ Crowd Groans ]

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, HUH--

WITH YOUR HANDS ALL OVER OUR WOMEN?

KIERAN-- DON'T WORRY NOW, SIOBHAN. IT'S ALL RIGHT NOW.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING THERE--

MANUEL OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS--

YOU MIGHT HAVE ENJOYED A LITTLE BIT OF EARLY DOORS SUCCESS, YOU KNOW,

WITH YOUR FANCY ACCENTS AND YOUR SHOW-OFFY GUITAR PLAYING.

YOU HAVE PICKED THE WRONG PLACE TO GO STRUTTING YOUR STUFF, 'CAUSE, ER,

YOU SEE, ME AND THE BOYS KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE UP TO,

AND WE'RE NOT HAVIN' IT!

DO YOU UNDERSTAND? WE'RE NOT HAVIN' IT!

THEY DON'T LIKE THAT, DO THEY?

WHAT I MEAN IS, YOUSE BETTER JUST FECK OFF,

YOU AND THE BOYS, OR ME AND THE LADS'LL GIVE YOU A GOOD HIDING, SEE?

[ Mutters In Spanish ]

[ Woman, Guitar Accompaniment ] ♪ AND I SUFFER DEATH ♪

♪ A THOUSAND TIMES ♪

♪ BLACK IS THE COLOR ♪

♪ OF MY TRUE LOVE'S HAIR ♪

♪ HIS LIPS ARE LIKE ♪

♪ SOME ROSES FAIR ♪

♪ HE HAS THE SWEETEST SMILE ♪

♪ AND THE GENTLEST HANDS ♪

♪ AND I LOVE THE GROUND ♪

♪ WHEREON HE STANDS ♪

♪♪ [ Song Ends ] [ Applause ]

[ Man ] LOVELY LAMENT.

FAIR PLAY TO YOU, BOY.

[ Door Opens ]

HEY, KIERAN.

DUCK AND WEAVE. [ Chuckling ]

DON'T REMEMBER GETTING MUCH BACK-UP. NOTHIN' TO DO WITH ME.

AH, SURE, YOU'RE QUITE THE MARRIED MAN, AREN'T YOU-- YOU KNOW, WHEN IT SUITS?

WATCH WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN', KIERAN.

WHY? COME ON, PAT. LOOK:

FLOWERS, THE CLOTHES, THE TRAINING--

AT LEAST BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TO. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

THE ONLY COMFORT I TAKE IS THAT IT WOULDN'T HAVE MADE A BLIND BIT OF DIFFERENCE.

DO YOU REALLY THINK THOSE AMERICAN GIRLS WOULD HAVE COME ALL THE WAY...

OVER HERE FOR A COUPLE OF ROUNDS WITH A MARRIED MAN?

WATCH IT, KIERAN. WHY?

COME ON, YOU'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT! AND A DESPERATE ONE AT THAT.

OH, IS THAT RIGHT? WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?

IT'S ME DISPLAY. WHY, WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

NEVER USED TO BE LIKE THAT, THOUGH, DID IT?

USED TO KEEP A BIT OF HASLET AND A COUPLE BOXES OF EGGS. IT'S ALL RED MEAT NOW, ISN'T IT?

JOINT AFTER JOINT OF THICK, BRIGHT, BLEEDING BEEF. FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL RUN UP AND DOWN THE HIGH STREET WAVING YOUR DICK IN THE AIR.

OH, IS THAT SO? SIOBHAN HAD YOU SUSSED, KIERAN.

YOU CARE ABOUT NOTHING EXCEPT EXERCISING YOUR OWN BEST END.

STOP! STOP IT!

YOU WANNA PICK A FIGHT, PICK ON SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO DO IT, YOU BASTARD!

IAN. ALL RIGHT. ACTUALLY, IAN, IAN, IAN, I'M ALL RIGHT NOW.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?

- WELL? - WHY DON'T YOU ASK CASANOVA OVER THERE?

LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT, PAT! COME ON, NOW!

TELL 'EM WHO STARTED IT.

LOOK AT YOU, ALL TARTED UP LIKE A DOG'S DINNER.

WAS THAT FOR YOUR MISSUS YOU GOT DRESSED UP, EH? WAS IT BUGGERY?

- KIERAN, KIERAN. - PAT! PAT!

IF YOU HAVE TO FIGHT,

AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY NOT TO DO IT IN FRONT OF YOUR OWN DAUGHTER.

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S OVER OTHER WOMEN.

YEAH, SURE, HE HAS NO SHAME, HAS HE?

HE THINKS HE'S THAT MUCH BETTER 'CAUSE HE USED TO BE FAMOUS.

"USED TO BE" EQUALS "MIGHT AS WELL NEVER HAVE BEEN" IN MY BOOK.

I'LL GIVE YOU ONE MORE WARNING. YOU'VE NO NEED, 'CAUSE I'VE FINISHED WITH YOU FOR GOOD.

SO FROM NOW ON YOU CAN GET SOMEBODY ELSE TO DO YOUR BUTCHERY FOR YOU. WHAT?

THAT'S RIGHT, YOU HEARD. GET YOUR MEAT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

FINE. IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT, YOU'D BETTER LOOK FOR ANOTHER BAR TO GO DRINKIN' IN.

THAT'S RIGHT. 'CAUSE AS OF NOW, YOU'RE BARRED INDEFINITELY.

AND THAT WORRIES ME?

[ Door Closes, Bell Rings ]

♪♪ [ Disco Music Playing ]

[ Kieran ] I JUST WANT YOU TO TRY IT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD MAKE UP WITH PAT-- STOP IN AT THE BAR.

I'LL NOT GIVE HIM ANY OF MY MONEY.

BESIDES, I DON'T NEED TO BE IN THERE EVERY EVENING.

I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC. I CAN DRINK AT HOME.

JESUS! THAT BAD, IS IT?

IT'S LIKE DIESEL. AH, COME ON.

PLAY A BIT OF DECENT MUSIC, AND A FEW JARS OF THE OLD HOOCH-- WHO NEEDS WOMEN?

[ Both ] ♪ I'M HORNY HORNY, HORNY, HORNY ♪

[ Laughing ]

♪ I'M HORNY HORNY, HORNY, HORNY ♪

[ Both Laughing ] AH, YOU'RE BETTER OFF NEVER GETTING INVOLVED, YOU KNOW?

SEAN, THEY'RE LIKE DRUGS, WOMEN.

JUST SAY NO.

[ Laughs ] WHAT'S WRONG?

I'M IN LOVE.

I'M IN LOVE, AND MY HEART'S BROKEN.

SIOBHAN.

SIOBHAN! WHERE ARE YOU?

SEAN, FIND SIOBHAN,

AND-- AND TELL HER I LOVE HER. YEAH?

SEAN, TELL SIOBHAN I LOVE HER!

♪ TELL LAURA I LOVE HER ♪

♪ TELL LAURA I NEED HER ♪

♪ TELL LAURA ♪

♪ NOT TO CRY ♪♪

SIOBHAN! SIOBHAN!

SIOBHAN! COME BACK TO ME.

SHH!

- SIOBHAN! - IT'S ELLA!

I-- I WANT YOU. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S ELLA, YOU IDIOT, AND YES, I DO UNDERSTAND!

WHERE'S MY SIOBHAN? STOP CALLING HER! GO GET SOME SLEEP.

I... CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HER.

IT'S KILLING ME.

I-- I'M IN LOVE.

SEAN.

SEAN, WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M IN THE GUTTER.

AND THERE ARE THE STARS.

AH.

MA, WHERE'S THE ASPIRINS? I'VE MOVED THEM.

HAPPENING A LOT LATELY.

DON'T WORRY. I'M NOT PLANNING ON GOING FOR THE HAT TRICK.

I CAN'T SAY I'M SURPRISED, THE COMPANY YOU KEEP DOWN AT THAT BAR.

I WAS AT KIERAN'S.

I SEE. IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?

WHY DOES THAT NOT HAVE THE SAME EFFECT ON ME...

AS IF YOU'D SAID, "I WAS AT FATHER MALLONE'S"?

I JUST WANT YOU TO LOOK AFTER YOURSELF.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO END UP-- [ Brian ] MARY.

- [ Door Closes ] - SORRY I'M LATE.

SEAN. HERE WE GO.

SPECIAL DELIVERY FROM AMSTERDAM FOR MR. OLLIE DOYLE,

CARE OF THE POST OFFICE, KILVARA, COUNTY DONEGAL.

AND HE'S WELCOME TO THEM. THEY WEIGH A TON. [ Thunk ]

RIGHT.

MA, DA DIDN'T RUN OFF BECAUSE THE LADS TURNED HIS HEAD,

OR BECAUSE HE SPENT HALF HIS LIFE IN PAT'S PLACE.

THE REASON DA LEFT WAS BECAUSE HE WASN'T A VERY NICE MAN.

LOOK, WHAT I MEAN IS, THE WAY DA WAS-- IT'S NOT TRUE OF ALL MEN.

BUT THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE IS, IF WHAT I DO...

INCLUDES SOME OF THE THINGS THAT DA USED TO DO,

LIKE EATING AND DRINKING AND ENJOYING THE OCCASIONAL COMPANY OF OTHER MEN,

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M GONNA TURN OUT LIKE HIM.

DO YOU SEE?

BOTH OF THEM. THEY'RE BOTH FROM AMSTERDAM.

GET THE KETTLE ON.

[ Ollie ] HEY, SEAN. ARE YOU AFTER YOUR PACKAGES, OLLIE?

THEY'VE ARRIVED? AYE. THEY'VE ARRIVED, BUT--

FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LOOKED. THANK GOD CUSTOMS DIDN'T.

THOSE MAGAZINES ARE EDUCATIONAL.

OH, YES. IF YOU'VE A PASSING INTEREST IN THE INQUISITION, THEY ARE.

LOOK AT IT.

LISTEN, MARY, I'M SORRY IF I OFFENDED YOU, BUT WHAT A MAN DOES...

IN HIS PRIVATE LIFE IS HIS OWN BUSINESS, AND I WANT MY STUFF BACK.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

[ Door Opens And Closes ]

BUT WHY? IT'S FOR THE BEST, LUV.

YOUR MA KNOWS THAT AS WELL.

I THOUGHT YOU AND MA LOVED EACH OTHER.

AND WE DO.

WHEN ME AND YOUR MA FIRST MET,

IT WAS LIKE WHEN YOU SIGN FOR YOUR FIRST PROFESSIONAL SIDE.

YOU'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOUR TEAM.

THEN GRADUALLY, OVER TIME, THINGS CHANGE.

YOU FIND THAT YOU DON'T FEEL THAT SAME... RRR.

AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, ELLA, LUV,

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING FOR IT-- A TRANSFER AND A NEW CLUB.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN TO SAY, YOU DON'T HAVE STRONG FEELINGS FOR YOUR OLD TEAM.

THEY'RE THE ONES WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO PLAY PROPERLY, AFTER ALL,

AND YOU'LL NEVER FORGET THAT.

DA. WHAT IS IT, LUV?

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I HEARD ABOUT YOUR DAD, ELLA. I'M SORRY.

COME ON. LET'S GO! WHERE ARE WE GOING?

ARE ALL MEN LIKE MY DAD, SEAN?

HOW DO YOU MEAN? YOU KNOW.

IT'S THIS PLACE. STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE--

SENDS YOU POTTY.

I'M GOING TO LEAVE AS SOON AS I'M 17. WHAT?

WELL, YOU WANNA GO. I KNOW YOU DO.

ONLY 'CAUSE I WANNA SEE DIFFERENT THINGS.

IT'S NOT 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE IT HERE, 'CAUSE I DO.

REALLY?

YOU LIKE THE WIND AND THE RAIN AND DA'S FLAT BEER...

AND FELLAS ALWAYS GOING ON ARGUING AND COMPLAINING?

YOU LIKE ALL THAT?

[ Sighs ]

COME HERE. COME ON.

NOW JUST LOOK AT THAT.

THAT'S OURS AS WELL, ELLA-- YOURS AND MINE.

NOW TELL ME THAT'S NOT BEAUTIFUL.

YOU COULD COPE FINE ON YOUR OWN, KATE. I MANAGED.

I KNOW, BUT I WANT A FRESH START-- FOR ELLA AND FOR MYSELF.

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN, KATE. I DON'T BLAME YOU.

IS THAT RIGHT? WHAT WOULD ANYONE WANT TO LIVE HERE FOR?

STILL NOT BACK AT THE BUTCHER'S, THEN?

GO BACK AND WORK IN THAT DUMP? HA. DON'T THINK SO.

YOU'LL FEEL BETTER WHEN HE GETS SOMEONE NEW IN.

DO YOU THINK HE'D DO THAT, ADVERTISE ME JOB?

OH, HE'S VERY BIG ON ADVERTS, KIERAN. [ Chuckles ]

WELL, GOOD LUCK TO HIM.

"BLEACHED BLONDE, SEX MAD, ALCOHOLIC BUTCHER...

SEEKS NEW ASSISTANT." [ Giggles ]

I DON'T THINK HE'LL HAVE MANY TAKERS.

AH, YOU HAD A LUCKY ESCAPE THERE, SIOBHAN.

- AND HERE WAS US THINKIN' YOU WERE SOFT ON HIM. - NAH. I DON'T GO FOR BLONDES.

NEITHER DO I.

IT'S BEEN THAT LONG I CAN'T REMEMBER.

[ Laughing ]

MARY. OLLIE, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'VE COME FOR ME MAGS. OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

HA. HMPH! DON'T YOU SCOFF AT ME, MARY MULLIGAN.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU.

I'M 36 YEARS OF AGE, AND I'M A MAN.

ONLY, HALF THE THINGS I SHOULD HAVE DONE IN MY LIFE-- WELL, I HAVEN'T.

WELL, THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE.

I WANT A WOMAN, MARY.

I WANT TO... PIERCE THE CELESTIAL HEAVENS WITH OUR LOVE-MAKING.

I WANT TO WORSHIP AT THE ALTAR OF HER NAKED BODY,

AND SHROUD HER BREASTS WITH THE FIRST SCENTED DEW OF A SUMMER'S MORNING.

I WANT TO BE WITH HER FOREVER--

TOUCHING AND TASTING HER, MELTING INTO HER VERY SOUL...

UNTIL WE BECOME ONE:

LIQUID, LANGUID,

REPLETE AND CONSUMMATE.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

AND I'M NOT GONNA GET IT WHEN I STILL HAVEN'T THE FIRST IDEA...

WHAT GOES ON BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT.

SO, IF THAT'S CLEAR, I WON'T TROUBLE YOU ANY FURTHER.

I'VE RESEARCH TO DO.

GOOD DAY.

[ Door Opens And Closes ]

I WISH I'D NEVER SET EYES ON THAT FLIPPIN' FILM.

AYE, IT'S SEX, SEX, SEX.

THAT'S MODERN CINEMA FOR YOU.

I TELL YOU, IF THAT DEMI MOORE CAME THROUGH THOSE DOORS RIGHT NOW,

I'D SAY TO HER, "DEMI, LOVE,

PUT YOUR KIT BACK ON, TAKE YOUR POTTED BEEF AND SOD OFF."

SEE, THEY'RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE, THOSE AMERICAN GIRLS.

AYE.

HUH?

SEE YOU LATER? AYE. SEE YOU LATER, MICKEY.

MICKEY. ALL RIGHT, IAN.

IAN, HAVE YOU HEARD? PAT LEFT KATE.

YEAH, I KNOW.

STILL, I'D SAY THAT'S A RESULT FOR YOU.

WHAT?

I SAID THAT'S A RESULT FOR YOU. WAY'S CLEAR NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IAN, I'M YOUR BROTHER.

HERE. WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?

WHY SHOULD I, WHEN YOU NEVER DID, EH?

THE MAIN THING IS, YOU CAN GET IN THERE NOW.

TELL HER EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

ME AND KATE, YOU KNOW-- OH, YOU BIG SISSY, SO YOU ARE.

YOU SEE THAT? THAT BROKE.

SEE, I KNOW IT'S BROKE, 'CAUSE I HEARD IT BREAK.

I'LL TELL YOU, IT'S A SWEET SOUND, IAN.

IT'S THE SOUND OF A MAN STANDING UP FOR WHAT HE BELIEVES IN.

[ Chuckles ] ALL RIGHT, NOT STANDING UP FOR LONG, ADMITTEDLY,

BUT, YOU KNOW, STANDING UP ALL THE SAME.

COME ON, IAN.

LOOK, YOU'VE A CHANCE. YOU SHOULD GO FOR IT.

AH, FUCK.

LOOK AT ME. LOOK, WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOOK FORWARD TO?

FOR THE REST OF ME LIFE, SAT ON ME ARSE,

DRINKING BEER AND WATCHING SATELLITE FOOTBALL.

WHICH STILL ISN'T AS GOOD AS HAVING A GIRLFRIEND.

IS IT?

I HAVE A PROBLEM, FATHER. I NEED ADVICE.

THERE'S A--

THERE'S A SUIT, FATHER.

YOU KNOW?

THAT-- THAT I'VE SEEN...

I MEAN, IT WAS MADE FOR ME, YOU KNOW?

TAILOR-MADE, BUT, UH--

BUY IT, IAN. I CAN'T.

BUT YOU JUST-- THIS--

THIS IS THE MOST... BEAUTIFUL SUIT IN THE WORLD, FATHER.

BUT... I CAN'T STOP THINKING,

WHAT IF IT LOOKS RIDICULOUS?

WHAT IF--

WHAT IF THIS EXQUISITE THING YOU'VE--

YOU'VE YEARNED FOR YOUR WHOLE LIFE...

LOOKED BETTER ON SOMEBODY ELSE?

SOMEBODY WHO COULD... TRULY DO IT JUSTICE?

GOD, WHAT AM I DOING HERE? IAN, WAIT, PLEASE.

LOVE IS GOD'S MOST PRECIOUS GIFT.

IT IS ALSO HIS MOST FRAGILE.

IT EXISTS FOR A MOMENT HERE, MAYBE,

OR AN INSTANT THERE, PERHAPS,

AGAINST THE ODDS AND DESPITE EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON AROUND IT.

SO...

IF THIS SUIT REALLY IS MADE FOR YOU,

AND YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH STILL TO HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO ENJOY IT,

TRUST THE TAILOR THAT CUTS THE CLOTH.

MARY-- DOLLIE, IS OLLIE IN?

OLLIE, MARY WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOU.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? WOULD YOU MIND TAKING A WALK WITH ME?

SIOBHAN! SIOBHAN!

SIOBHAN? SIOBHAN!

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I LOVE YOU, AND I'M SORRY. - PARDON?

- I SAID I LOVE YOU. - THE OTHER BIT.

WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?

NO. AH, WAIT! SIOBHAN! WAIT!

- KIERAN! - LOOK, WILL YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE MINUTE?

NO. YOU LISTEN TO ME.

FOR 90% OF THE DAY, YOU'RE ADJUSTING YOUR BOLLOCKS,

SCRATCHING YOUR BOLLOCKS...

OR OTHERWISE PLAYING WITH YOUR BOLLOCKS.

YOU'RE DETERMINED TO DRINK IRELAND DRY.

YOU THINK YOU'RE GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN, AND JUST LOOK AT THAT HAIRCUT!

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST BY A LONG, LONG WAY, YOU SAID I WAS "ACCEPTABLE."

"ACCEPTABLE."

I'M MORE THAN THAT, KIERAN O'DONNELL.

I AM 100% FULL-VOLUME,

FANNY-POSSESSING FLAME OF A WOMAN.

AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN LUMP IT.

IS THAT A YES?

[ Engine Running, Stops ]

KATE?

KATE!

KATE! IAN.

HAVE YOU SEEN MA? NO.

HAVE YOU SEEN KATE? NO. WHY?

[ Muffled Sounds ]

[ Feedback ]

[ Muffled Sounds ]

WHAT WAS THAT? [ Tap, Tap ] HELLO, ONE, TWO?

ONE, TWO?

ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT.

[ Over Loudspeaker ] [ Ian ] "SHE WALKS IN BEAUTY...

LIKE THE NIGHT OF CLOUDLESS CLIMES AND STARRY SKIES"--

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WORKING? [ Sean ] OF COURSE I'M SURE.

ALL RIGHT, THERE'S NO NEED TO GET NASTY. JUST DON'T THINK IT'S LOUD ENOUGH.

GO ON. I'LL START AGAIN.

"SHE WALKS IN BEAUTY LIKE THE NIGHT...

"IN CLOUDLESS CLIMES AND STARRY SKIES,

"AND ALL THAT'S BEST OF DARK AND BRIGHT...

"MEET IN HER ASPECT AND HER EYES;

"THUS MELLOWED TO THE TENDER LIGHT...

WHICH HEAVEN TO GAUDY DAY DENIES"?

JESUS, THAT DOESN'T RHYME WITH ANYTHING.

YOU'RE NOT SAYING IT RIGHT, IAN. YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE MORE TIME.

I DON'T HAVE TIME. THE WOMAN I ADORE IS LEAVING ME.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? I THINK WE'LL DROP THE POEM, FATHER.

PUT ON THE TAPE, SEAN.

♪♪ [ Slow Jazz ]

♪ GIVE ME A KISS TO BUILD A DREAM ON ♪

♪ AND MY IMAGINATION ♪

♪ WILL THRIVE UPON THAT KISS ♪

♪ MMM, SWEETHEART ♪

♪ I ASK NO MORE THAN THIS ♪

♪ A KISS TO BUILD A DREAM ON ♪

♪ MMM ♪

♪ GIVE ME A KISS BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME ♪

♪ AND MY IMAGINATION ♪

♪ WILL FEED MY HUNGRY HEART ♪

♪ OOH, LEAVE ME ONE THING BEFORE WE PART ♪

♪ A KISS TO BUILD A DREAM ON ♪

♪ WHEN I'M ALONE ♪

♪ WITH MY FANCIES ♪

♪ I'LL BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ WEAVING ROMANCES ♪ [ Engine Stops ]

♪ MAKING BELIEVE THEY'RE ♪

♪♪ [ Disco ] ♪ I'M HORNY, HORNY, HORNY, HORNY, I'M ♪

- ♪ SO HORNY ♪ - OH, MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

♪ I'M HORNY HORNY, HORNY, HORNY, I'M ♪

♪ SO HORNY I'M HORNY, HORNY HORNY TONIGHT ♪

KIERAN. YOU'VE WIPED ME BLOODY TAPE. ♪♪ [ Continues ]

[ Sean ] IT'S THE WRONG BUTTON. I KNOW THAT!

THAT WAS NEVER YOUR TAPE. THAT WAS MINE. COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

PUSH. IT'S THAT ONE THERE? ♪♪ [ Stops ]

AW, SHITE!

SORRY, FATHER. BUT REALLY--

BLOODY SHITE.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, KIERAN? YOU--

AND YOU TOO, FATHER-- YOU'RE ALL WRONG.

"HAVE FAITH"? "GO FOR IT"? WHY?

I'M NO POET OR-- OR PAINTER OR MUSICIAN,

AND I CAN'T-- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO--

I AM A SHEEP FARMER, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

ONLY, I DON'T WANT YOU THINKING...

THAT WHEN I'M UP THERE KEEPING ME THOUGHTS TO MESELF,

THAT I DON'T FEEL...

FOR KATE--

THAT I DON'T FEEL.

'CAUSE I DO.

GOD.

NICE? YEAH. NICE.

NOT TOO UNCOMFORTABLE, HUH?

COMFORT AND STRENGTH, OLLIE. THAT'S A MASSEY FOR YOU.

SHE UNDERSTANDS ME, AND SHE UNDERSTANDS TRACTORS.

THANK YOU, GOD!

♪ THE CLOSER YOU GET ♪

♪ THE BETTER YOU LOOK BA-BY ♪

♪ THE BETTER YOU LOOK ♪

♪ THE MORE I WANT YOU-OOH ♪

♪ WHEN YOU TURN ON YOUR SMILE ♪

♪ I FEEL MY HEART GO WILD ♪

♪ I'M LIKE A CHILD WITH A BRAND-NEW TO-OY ♪

♪ AND I GET THE ♪

♪ SWEETEST FEELING ♪

♪ HONEY, THE SWEETEST ♪ ♪ SWEETEST FEELING ♪

♪ BABY, THE SWEETEST ♪ ♪ SWEETEST FEELING ♪

♪ LOVING YOU-OOH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ THE WARMER YOUR KISS THE DEEPER YOU TOUCH ME ♪

♪ BABY ♪ GREAT SONG.

HELLO, FATHER. HOW ARE YOU?

♪ THE MORE YOU THRILL ME-EE ♪

♪ IT'S MORE THAN I CAN STAND ♪

♪ GIRL, WHEN YOU HOLD MY HAND ♪

♪ I FEEL SO GRAND THAT I COULD CRY-Y ♪

♪ AND I GET THE ♪

♪♪ [ Stops ]

[ In American Accent ] THANK YOU SO MUCH.

HI THERE.

HEY! HE'S CUTE, ISN'T HE?

THAT ONE SAYS "KILVARA."

SHOULD WE HIT THAT ROAD?

[ Chattering ]

ARE YOU GONNA GET ON OR WHAT?

♪ AND I GET THE ♪ ♪ SWEETEST FEELING ♪

♪ MAMA, THE SWEETEST ♪ ♪ SWEETEST FEELING ♪

♪ BABY, THE SWEETEST ♪ ♪ SWEETEST FEELING ♪

♪ LOVING YOU-OOH ♪

♪ UH, THE GREATER YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ THE STRONGER YOU HOLD ME ♪

♪ BABY ♪

♪ THE STRONGER YOUR HOLD ♪

♪ THE MORE I NEED YOU-OOH ♪

♪ WITH EVERY PASSING DAY ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU MORE IN EVERY WAY ♪

♪ I'M IN LOVE TO STAY AND I WANNA SAY-AY ♪

♪ I GET THE ♪ ♪ SWEETEST FEELING ♪

♪ BABY, THE SWEETEST ♪ ♪ SWEETEST FEELING ♪

♪ HONEY, THE SWEETEST ♪ ♪ SWEETEST FEELING ♪

♪♪ [ Fades ]