Original subtitles

(bright music)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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(playful music)

(bell dinging)

(playful music)

♪ Thinking about what we been through ♪

♪ The world can be a lonely place ♪

♪ Baby, I'm so glad that I found you ♪

♪ Now I got someone to obey ♪

(button clicking)

(Juliette scoffing)

(cassette clattering)

- Get out of my driveway, weirdo.

(gentle guitar music)

♪ It's different here at home today ♪

♪ I'm not that close, but I'm on my way ♪

♪ And I can do this every single day ♪

♪ Open the window 'cause none of the neighbors care ♪

♪ I'm in the middle and all I can do is stare ♪

♪ Open the window 'cause none of the neighbors care ♪

- Are you crying?

Man, you need to stop crying.

Come on, Luke.

This ain't "Titanic."

Get your shit together, huh?

Come here.

- The girl I liked at school, she broke my heart.

She completely rejected me.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

(Doug laughing)

- That's good news!

What is with the face?

You don't need a girl ruining your life.

- You seem to have it all, Uncle Doug.

- I know. - Cool cars, pretty girls.

- A whole lot of penicillin.

You want what I have?

That's easy.

All you gotta do is be a free spirit, okay?

Be a rolling stone.

You understand that?

You be a Lorenzo Lamas, huh?

Renegade, that's what I'm saying.

(Doug laughing)

You don't need this love stuff, man.

- But The Beatles say--

- Oh, but The Beatles say.

Who's The Beatles? The shit you need to be listening to,

I'm talking like, Poison, Motley Crue, Ratt, GNR, okay?

GNR, Axl, you know what I mean?

♪ Aye-ee-ee-ee-ee-aye-ee-ah ♪

Over, and over, and over again.

You wanna be happy?

You wanna be like me?

Follow my one rule.

Thou shalt not fall in love, that's it.

Let me hear you say it.

- Thou shalt not fall in love.

- [Doug] Mm, yeah, those are the words.

- Thou shalt not fall in love.

- Yes, yeah!

Now you get it. Now put some fire to it!

- Thou shalt not fall in love!

- Yes, yes!

Man, now you know what?

That feels better than a threesome on Christmas.

(laughing)

You know what I mean.

You know what I'm talking about.

- [Luke] From that day forward,

I was a changed man.

- Tell 'em to stop bouncing on me

'cause this is not right.

Ah, goddamn it!

- [Luke] Unfortunately, Uncle Doug died from a heart attack

a year later while mid-hump at a Mexican whorehouse.

That man changed my life.

His message was sweet and simple.

Lie to avoid heartbreak.

But the part I had to figure out on my own

was never let someone else fall for you.

- With Michael Jordan retired and everything,

Chicago Bulls are looking for the next Michael Jordan,

and I'm the next best thing to that, so.

- You're in high school!

How is?

You're nothing compared to him!

- Are you saying it because I'm white?

- No, because--

- Because the talent's basically there.

- [Luke] False hope, big lies,

and elaborate excuses became the norm.

I knew every trick in the book, or so I thought.

(playful music)

- First day at Buzzstory, huh?

- Yep!

Hey, I don't meant to be too forward,

but do you know who's single and who's married around here?

- Oh, you don't wanna date people from Buzzstory.

- Of course I do!

Yo, I wanna get my office flirt on!

- Oh, I mean, I don't know anybody who's single, so.

- You don't have a work list?

I've been here for five minutes

and I know my top 10.

- Oh, I'm more like the strong woman type in the workforce

like feminism and.

- Has feminism ever whispered sweet nothings

in your ear at 2:00 a.m.?

- I guess not.

- All I want is a good man with a shaft as wide

as a "Game of Thrones" novel.

- Oh!

- How can you find a guy who has both, you know what I mean?

- Yeah. - You know what I mean!

- I think yeah. - Oh, whoa!

Whoa! - Hello!

(all laughing)

- Aimee, it's so good to see you.

I'm glad that you've seen Pam.

By the way, would anybody like a homemade cough drop?

I've got a few in my office.

I'd be willing to share.

- Oh, I'm good.

My throat's feeling really good today, so.

- Okay! - I'm full on

homemade cough drops.

- Well, I will keep them for a rainy day.

(Mr. Adams laughing)

- Okay, Mr. Adams.

Oh, I mean, who really cares?

You don't even know!

Mr. Adam's is my father's name.

Ma'am, you shall call me Mr. Adams.

- Ah, ah! - Oh!

- It's a joke, yeah. - Flip it on its head and--

- Yeah, think about it. - I don't get it!

- As you should not.

Listen, with you being here of the first time at Buzzstory,

we gotta make sure you get familiar with the creative team.

Get a feel of who Aimee is, huh?

- Sure! - Great.

Excuse us, Pam.

- Yes.

- Listen, we should probably hurry.

My poopy time is hurrying up,

so let's go, let's go. - Okay, all right! - Let's go!

- And so then Kate Hudson came up to me.

And so she said, "Buy me a drink."

And I was like, "No, Kate Hudson.

"Jackson is thirsty and Jackson only has $5."

- And you expect us to believe Kate Hudson hit on you?

- She looked like Kate Hudson.

- Did she though, at all?

- She had blonde hair!

- Okay, but was she even blonde?

- Man, listen.

She was white, okay?

So fuck you and fuck you.

- Usually something that frequent in the win.

- Okay. - Oh, hello!

Hey, guy.

Come here!

- Oh. - Oh.

- My man! - Oh. - Oh! - Oh my God.

- Luke, hello!

Ah! - Oh!

- Jackson, my brother from another.

We shall overcome!

- Yeah, no, all right.

- Gentlemen, I wanna introduce you here to Aimee.

She's new to the team, and I want you guys

to make her feel at home.

Give her that creative atmosphere that we've created

here at Buzzstory.

In fact, I want, oh, good God!

It seems as though my number two appointment is here.

Ah, it's not what you think.

Well, if you're thinking of feces leaving my anus

at a rapid rate, then it is that.

Ooh, good God!

Ah, ah, hey, enjoy!

Ah, ah, oh!

- Wow, he is not subtle, is he?

- Mm-mm. - Not at all, not at all.

I'm David.

- Oh, I dropped something right there.

It was nothing.

But hey, I'm Jackson.

I make the sports mashup videos.

You probably heard of me.

They go viral every time.

- I think sports are gross.

- Does rejection taste like anything?

- Yeah, it tastes just like your mom's sweet kitty.

- Okay, I didn't think he liked Mexican.

- Okay, and you must be Luke.

- Guilty.

- Mr. Adams and I were just talking about you.

I'm Aimee.

- Oh yeah, you're the one that they hired

to do the political memes.

- That's me!

I was hoping to connect with new friends tonight.

What are you up to after work?

- Well, we're going to Sid's place after work, so.

- Yeah, yeah.

- I would love to come

as long as I'm not imposing.

- No, not at all.

- Man, of course you're not imposing

'cause Jackson's gonna be there.

We're gonna have a good time.

- Yeah, okay, whatever.

- Can I have your phone?

I can give you my number.

- Yeah, sure. - If I can get it.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure. - There you go.

- Yeah, I'm not gonna need that.

- She's good. - Well, I'll see you later.

- Nice to meet you. - It was nice to meet you.

- [David] Me too.

- And I will see you later, Luke.

I guess I also have to see you later.

- Okay, my five minutes up.

- Wow, that was too easy for you.

- When you're dealing with slow Drake over here--

- Slow Drake?

That's not even funny.

First of all, I'm not even Canadian.

Second, I'm not even light skinned.

How dare you?

And third, I'm from Ab-lanta!

- Jesus.

♪ Where they at, where they at, where at that ♪

- Put it away.

♪ There they go, there they go ♪

♪ There they go ♪ - Put it away. - No, put it away. ♪ Jigga, jigga, jigga, jigga ♪

- You're an HR wet dream.

- Don't even look at it.

- Well at least I make them wet.

Skwit-skwanga in your face.

- Shit!

(upbeat music)

- Boom!

10,000 every day.

All right, everybody.

Listen up!

This girl right here is slaying the dating world

with her work, article after article circulating around.

Lonely housewives, college girls, single moms.

All are subscribers!

It's articles like hers that are helping us

beat all those crusty old fucks

at all the other magazines.

(laughing) We're number one, people!

How to keep your man satisfied

without having to touch him?

If you're in love with your cat

you're never gonna fall in love.

Ah, the lesbians loved that one!

And my personal favorite, how to be DFA.

- DFA?

- Down for anal, Greg.

Come on! - I put--

- Stay engaged. - I'm engaged. - All right, you know what, everyone?

Listen up.

From now on, I want you to be more like Kara, innovative!

She writes from the heart.

- It's just clickbait, guys.

I don't really believe in this stuff.

- Clickbait? More like "A House in the Hills."

You know how she gets story?

She dives right in there and gets that ass.

Pow!

From now on, I want all of you to get in that ass!

- Get in that ass.

♪ Green light ♪

♪ Oh, ow ♪

♪ Green light ♪

♪ Oh yeah, green light ♪

♪ Oh light, that light ♪

- Hey, get this.

I'm gonna leak a sex tape.

It's gonna be of me, and I'm gonna leak it on Instagram.

- That's a hard no.

- Yeah, I'd rather watch Paul Giamatti

motorboat Betty White than to see you in a sex tape.

- Jackson, you gonna be sober enough tonight

to seal the deal or will you be our forever squinch?

- Dustin Diamond has a sex tape.

- Oh yeah, I've actually seen that.

It's disgusting.

- Be there in five minutes.

Get me a drink.

XOXOXO.

That's a lot of hugs and kisses.

- That's yeah. - A new gal, Luke, huh?

Boy, what I would give to be single again.

(laughing)

Yeah, I'm serious.

- [Luke] Oh!

- I'd murder somebody "Friday the 13th" style.

(hissing) I wouldn't mind going back to jail, honestly.

Ow. - What's that, Sid?

Don't talk a big game you can't back up.

Sid, did you eat today?

- No, I forgot.

- Then go in the back and eat something.

- But just so you know, this is still my bar.

I'm the man of the bar.

I'm just a little hungy.

(upbeat music) (people chattering)

- Hello. - Hi, Luke!

- Aimee, hey. - This is Brittany.

- Hi. - Hey, dibs.

- Screw you. - Don't be mad

because I called dibs!

- Well, if I would have known this was

a dibs calling situation,

then I would have called dibs first!

- This is a dibs-calling situation, and she's hot!

- Okay, well let's take it all the way

back to the top so I can call dibs first.

- Fine.

Dibs.

- Ah, fuck. - Oh.

- Let's get some shots.

- Okay. - All right.

- Mind if I join you? - Oh, totally, yeah.

- [Jackson] Are you familiar with the teachings

of Shaka Zulu so we can--

- Wow. - Oh, man!

God, just couldn't find my shot, but--

- You're married? - Oh, oh, yeah.

God.

I don't even know why I still wear it.

- Yeah, me neither.

- Is everything okay, or--

- Well, I caught her cheating

a while back, and-- - Oh!

- We're separated now. - I'm so, so sorry.

- Yeah, gosh, it's such a bummer.

I don't wanna be that guy.

(Jackson and Brittany laughing)

- No, no, not at all.

You can tell me anything.

I don't care.

(all laughing)

- Do you mind?

Do you mind if I?

- Oh, oh. - If we just--

- Oh. - Okay, it's Friday night.

It's time for Edward Fortyhands.

- [Aimee] All right, grab two beers.

Double fist that shit. - Here we go!

- Somebody's getting laid tonight.

Right? - Yeah, I hope it's not David!

(laughing)

- Okay, fuck you, Jackson.

This is awesome.

- Seems juvenile.

- Well, it's actually the weekend,

so Edward Fortyhands is necessary.

- Here we go!

- Let's toast. (bottles clinking)

- To the sexiest man alive, Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

- Let's all get fucked tonight!

("Role Models")

♪ Calling my homies ♪

♪ We going out though ♪

♪ Me and my cronies, we blowing out, though ♪

♪ Damn, I need it ♪

♪ You cannot judge me ♪

♪ Got some side thing that wanna fuck me ♪

♪ This my life ♪

♪ You say you don't love me ♪

♪ This my time, bitch ♪

♪ Don't interrupt me ♪

♪ No, yeah ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ Yeah, had a few drinks, I hopped in the old bus ♪

♪ Swear to God, damn ya, I thought I knew ya ♪

♪ Belly of the beast, shit fat like Buddha ♪

♪ Thinking about how in the fuck did I lose ya ♪

♪ But I'm better, yeah, yeah, I'm better off now ♪

♪ Oh yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

("Role Models")

(lion roaring)

- Back at it!

("Role Models")

♪ I ain't got no role models, I'ma down the whole bottle ♪

♪ I need to forget about you ♪

("Role Models")

♪ Yeah, I ain't got no models ♪

♪ I'ma down the whole bottle ♪

♪ I need to forget about you ♪

♪ Forget about you ♪

("Role Models")

- Oh! (Luke laughing)

- Oh!

Oh, ooh!

- So are we going back to my place or what?

- If that's what you want.

- I'll show you exactly what I want.

- Okay, oh, okay!

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am, let's do that.

- Let's do it. - Let's do it.

(upbeat music)

- [Brittany] Oh, baby, come on up.

- See?

Told you, they ditched us.

- Look, it's been fun, but I really think I should--

- Ah, I see how it is, I see how it is.

You don't wanna get involved because I'm married.

- I mean, honestly I didn't think

I'd be hanging out with you tonight at all.

- Brittany, sometimes you just gotta say fuck it to life.

- Yeah, and the only time I say fuck it

is when I decide to go to bed at midnight

instead of 8:00 p.m.

- Brittany, you gotta live.

- So fuck it then, huh?

- Yeah.

- Maybe I like having control.

- You can control me.

(Brittany laughing)

- Oh! - Damn.

- Sages hook me up with that L.A. River!

I'm feeling, ooh, you guys are cute!

I'm feeling really Denzel like I'm giving all

you motherfuckers drinks!

You get a Jager, you get a whisker and vodky.

King Kong ain't got nothing!

(Jackson retching)

- [David] Oh, shit!

(gentle jazz music) - Yeah, fuck yeah.

Ah. - Let's do it!

- Oh shit! - I can't wait

to see your little dicky. - It's not little.

- Yeah, prove it.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

Get on the bed. - Oh, shit!

- Do you like to get smacked? - Yeah.

Leave that right there.

- Ah! - Oh, shit!

- Ah!

Oh, you like getting smothered, don't you?

- No, no, no, no. - No?

- Look, I can't hold this together

with the pillow again. - Oh yeah.

You like getting rough? - Whoa, whoa.

Shit! - Do you like that?

- That's a little bit rougher. - Yeah?

You want your nipples, too?

- No, I don't like any of that shit.

- Mm!

Mm.

- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here.

Welcome to your wedding, Luke!

Tying the knot,

committing yourself to life, bro!

- Hi, sweetie pie!

It's our wedding day.

You love me and you're gonna be with me forever and ever!

- That's right!

This is your ball and chain. - You're stuck with me for the rest of your life!

- For the rest of your life!

- [David And Jackson] For the rest of your life!

- [Women] The rest of your life.

(maniacal laughing)

- Luke, wake up!

Wake up! - Huh?

- Hi!

I love you!

(Luke laughing)

- I'm sorry?

- I love you!

Yes, I do!

- Oh, we just met yesterday!

- I decided we could be really good together

like Lucy and Ricky or Sid and Nancy.

- Oh, God, okay.

Listen. (Aimee gasping)

- You wanna meet my mom?

- Hm-mm. - One second.

(Aimee humming)

(phone ringing) - What are you doing?

- Hi, Mom! - Hi, dear!

- [Luke] Oh, your mom is on the phone.

- What are you doing?

- I want you to meet someone! - Ooh, who is it?

Is he a boy?

Does he look like Channing Tatum?

Oh! - Mm.

- [Mother] I do hope you've met a nice boy.

- I did!

- When do I get to meet him?

I can book my ticket right now.

Burbank or LAX?

- I don't know, sweetie.

You think Burbank or LAX?

(Luke scoffing)

- Where is he? - I do not know.

- He's right here! - Oh, hi!

You see? - Hi, handsome!

- Hi! - Oh!

Oh my gosh, he's so cute, Aimee.

(Luke scoffing) So when are you

gonna pop the question?

- Ooh! - Yeah!

When are you gonna pop the question?

- Oh, mm, my!

That is not what this is!

(Aimee laughing)

- Has he seen your wedding Pinterest board?

I'm pin a picture to it right now.

- Okay.

Oh, Mom, we gotta go, okay?

Oh!

(Aimee laughing)

- Okay, what's he doing? - All right, love you!

- He is trashed? - Okay, kiss my mom bye.

- Hm-mm.

- Kiss her bye. - Mm.

- Bye! (mother humming)

- Okay, okay, I did that.

- Muah! - Muah!

- I'm sorry, she's kinda crazy.

- Kind of crazy? - But that made her so happy.

She's been on my case since I broke up with my exactly.

- I am sorry about your ex, but I--

- Oh, no, no, no!

He still lives with me.

He's my roommate. - Hey, good luck, buddy!

- Thanks! - Okay, I'm outta here.

- No! - Yeah.

- Don't go! - I've got to go!

- No! - I've got to go.

- No! - Okay, I am just go--

- Oh, before you go.

Ooh, ah, ah.

I love your morning breath.

Mm, breakfast!

(playful music)

(liquid pouring)

(loud fizzing)

- Mm. - All right, spill it, David.

I heard y'all banging to Taylor Swift

and I need all the deets.

- Yeah, the sex was amazing last night,

but her music choices were surprisingly white.

- I wonder if Luke got laid last night.

- Of course Luke got laid last night.

He's our Sinatra.

- Does that make me Sammy Davis Jr.?

♪ Sha-boing, boing, man ♪

♪ She was tall, and tan, and young, and lovely ♪

- Oh, ho, oh!

What's up, Luke? - What up, Luke?

- Shit, guys!

I've got a big problem.

She said that she loves me.

- Oh! - Ooh!

- Yeah, she dropped the L-bomb!

- Yeah, you're on your own with that one.

- [David] Oh, you've got yourself

in a classic rom-com.

Did you wake up this morning ask yourself,

why does Rob Reiner direct my life?

- Hey, this is "As Good As It Gets."

- Are Helen Hunt's thoughts in your head?

- All right, stop it. - Right now?

- Wait, wait, wait, no.

Does this Aimee own "27 Dresses"?

- No, no, no, no, no, no. - Fuck you guys.

- No, no, no, Jackson, Jackson.

She's "Never Been Kissed."

- Ah! - Are you done yet?

- No. - No, we're not done

'cause soon you'll be asking yourself,

"Why Did I Get Married?"

One and two.

- Is that a movie? - Tyler Perry movie.

It's a whole big thing - Gotcha, I gotcha.

- You guys have not seen. - I gotcha.

- You definitely should watch. - I don't think you guys

grasp the magnitude of this, okay?

Aimee is in love with me and she's my coworker.

- Mm-hmm. - And I just met her mom.

- Oh! - Oh, wow!

- You should lead with that. - That's classic Reiner.

- Yeah. - That's classic Reiner.

Oh, I mean, did you say something to her

that might make her think

that this is more than sex? - No!

She kissed me and then I just, I went with it.

- So she has been kissed! - Oh, she's imprinted on you!

- Yeah, like "Twilight."

- Yeah, maybe she'll just forget about it

and then this thing will just go away.

- Yeah! - Right, right?

- Right. - Of course.

- Mm-hmm, you're good. (phone dinging)

- Oh, God, it's happening, it's happening!

It's happening! - Okay, oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. - No, no, no, no.

- No, no, no, no. - I don't want that.

I don't want. - Oh, okay, okay.

All right, all right, oh. (phone dinging)

- God, oh. (David laughing)

- Oh, oh! - Ah, okay, okay.

All right, calm down, calm down.

This just calls for some heavy recon.

- I need a new idea.

- Okay.

- You guys got any new ideas?

- Mm, I'm so glad that you asked me.

You can tell her that you're gay.

You can get on Grindr and suck a bunch of dicks.

- No, no!

- Okay, all right, hold on.

Maybe we're going about this the wrong way.

- I'm fine, I'm listening.

- Every single time that you're trying to ditch a girl,

it's because of sex, right?

Sex gets in the way. - Okay.

- Well, what if you took sex out of the equation?

I mean, completely off the table.

If she can't have sex with you, she'll go away.

- I'm not following. - Sex addiction, dude.

Tell her you're a sex addict!

(Luke laughing)

- Pretend I'm a sex addict?

Pretend I'm a sex addict!

(Luke laughing)

- Sex addiction. - What about it?

- It's your new story.

The guide to sleeping with a sex addict.

- What's your angle? - I don't know!

Pretend to fall in love with one of those horny fucks.

Play with his emotions.

Get him to break the rules of the program.

Everybody loves a bad boy!

Sex sells, addiction sells.

Come on, you're the king of dating and gossip.

Claim your throne!

- Mm, I don't know.

(Kara sighing)

It seems kinda messed up.

- Oh, please, come on!

I know it's not journalism, but it is what it is.

- It's a good thing you pay me well.

I'll do some research.

And it's the queen of dating and gossip,

thank you very much. - That you are!

Ooh, 10 minutes to get 500 steps.

(loud exhaling)

Oh, I got this!

- Ooh, are you trying to get weird at work

because bubble wrap makes me horny!

- Okay, I can't date you, okay?

- What do you mean, you can't date me?

We had sex! - I know.

- You were in me! - Okay, I know.

- Your penis was in me! - Whoa, you and volume.

Volume. - Is there another woman?

- No, there's no other woman.

- Then is it something I said?

Is it because of my flat nipples, isn't it?

Is it because I don't moan loud enough

because I can moan louder. - Oh, stop, stop.

- I've been practicing like, ah, yeah!

- Okay, stop, stop! - Yeah, like that!

- Aimee, stop, stop!

Listen, sh!

I'm a sex addict.

- Good! - No, not like that.

I'm recovering.

- So that's a thing?

- Yeah, it's a thing.

I'm in a program and I had a minor relapse this weekend.

That's all that this was, and I can't pursue us any further.

- Wow, I am shook. - I know,

but I have to do this for me, okay?

- I'm heartbroken!

You were supposed to be my Alfon.

I was gonna be your arm candy.

We were gonna be Lukee!

- Okay, okay, stop.

Stop, wait, Lukee, Lukee?

- Luke and Aimee.

- Okay, I'm gonna go on my side of the office

and you just stay on yours, kay?

- Oh, honey, just breathe.

This is just our first fight! - No, no!

It's not.

We're done.

- You will fall in love with me, Luke Peters!

- Ooh!

(gentle music)

(Luke urinating) (door squeaking)

- Luke! - Oh!

Oh. - Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke. - Okay. - How you doing, buddy?

I'm good.

Hello, Mr. Adams. - I heard you

speaking about your sex addiction with the new girl

just a moment ago.

- Oh. - Mm-hmm.

- You heard?

You heard that? - I did, I heard that,

and I just wanna give you a confession saying that,

well, I got my four year chips

in at my desk drawer right now.

- Oh, I didn't have, I had no idea.

- Oh yeah, yeah, we come in all shapes and sizes.

Oh, nice shoes, buddy.

- Oh. - Wow, where'd you get those?

No, no, no, I'm not looking.

How you use it says a lot.

All right? - Right!

- And let me tell you, the road to recovery,

well, buddy, it's been a journey, Luke.

It sure has. - Mm-hmm.

Well, listen, I'm gonna-- - Luke, I'm sorry.

It's on my heart, I gotta say it.

I would like to invite you to my group.

Now listen, it's a small gathering of us,

well, sex addicts, but we help one another

through our problems of everyday life.

- Okay. - We've got our own

little dirty secrets right here, huh?

(Luke laughing) - Yeah.

- And these hands, buddy, well, let me tell you,

they've seen all of tantric orgasms

to Renegade anal plate.

Pinkies!

(laughing)

I used to be an old Jack Nicholson in the sack.

Here's Adams!

(laughing)

But then I stop and I notice my trigger

before I move forward, and that is how I've been able

to deal with this illness.

- Yeah. - So what do you say?

You wanna give it a shot - Mm, well, I appreciate

the offer, sir, but I just don't have the time.

- Ah (mumbles).

Nonsense!

Now I have to let you know, Luke.

Well, you need recovery, son.

It's the only way to move forward

and well, this is the crossroads.

I can't take no for an answer.

- Yes, sir. - Well!

Well, it's decided then.

Okay, well, I will see you at 4:00 p.m.

(laughing)

Make sure you wash, all right?

Wow!

(laughing)

(door squeaking)

(gentle music)

(shutter clicking)

- Oh man, Jackson.

I just saw the-- - What the fuck?

- Oh, why is your dick out?

- Okay, see, this is what I do at work.

I gotta keep the dick pics coming through fresh.

- Oh, this is what you do at work?

- Dick pics are in high demand!

- Why don't you send the same one?

- Did Pam Anderson have one centerfold

when she became Playmate of the Year?

No, so I just can't have one pic!

- Okay, it's still not a thing

you should be doing at work, okay.

Jesus! - Luke.

- Hey, oh, whoa, whoa!

What the fuck, Jackson?

Put your dick away, man. - Anyway, man, you fools

don't get it.

What you doing tonight? - Oh, well, I have kind of

been sort of invited to an actual sex addict meeting

with Mr. Adams. - Mr. Adams is a sex addict?

I knew it.

He be talking about his booty too much.

- Good luck with that! - Oh my God!

(shutter clicking)

(playful music)

(faint chattering)

- [Leader] Everyone' let's take a seat.

- Everyone, I brought a guest.

- Hi!

- Oh, okay, don't don't be shy.

Go ahead, please. - Oh boy, okay.

Hi!

I'm Luke and hmm, I'm a sex addict.

- [Group] Hi, Luke!

- Feel free to talk whenever you feel

the need to open up.

- Oh, I am not a big talker.

And I'm also not into any weird shit

like blumpkins and golden shower.

- Oh, no, no, no, let's not make fun

of anyone, Luke.

There may be people here

who are struggling with that.

- Ah, shit, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, guys, sorry.

- Well then, we'll work

on your communication with the group.

The important thing is that you know

we're here for you, Luke.

We help each other through our addiction,

keep each other in check.

But we also just talk about life and try to get through it.

Now unlike regular 12-step programs,

this is more of an invite only type thing.

So I am so glad that Adams brought you

to our inner circle.

Oh, and I'd be lying if I didn't say

that Scandal came up every now and again.

- Oh! - Yeah.

- Yeah. (women laughing)

- All right, I need to share.

I'm Tim, of course.

I check in with you guys regularly.

I have a month long business trip coming up in Tokyo.

Full disclosure, getting it out there.

Tokyo is sort of my trigger.

Not hookers, the city.

(Luke laughing) Hey, yeah, the literal city

of Tokyo gets me suppress.

Revelers suppress this by watching Wolf Blitzer.

So hopefully I can broadcast CNN from Japan.

- Wolf helps me with my urges, too.

He's kina this group's hidden secret.

He's just so boring.

- Mm. - Know what I mean?

- If we're talking about CNN,

I have two words, Don Lemon.

- This from the guy who will suck

literally anybody's dick.

- I had a relapse, Peter.

Okay, I thought this was a safe place

to talk about it. - It is.

It is.

It just still hurts. - It's okay to be curious.

Temptation is real.

Temptation is around us every day.

It's how we deal with that temptation

that makes the difference.

Thank you for sharing, Scott.

- Okay!

Hey, Luke, I'm Connie.

I'm a sex addict and a fantasy addict.

And as you all know, I get very aroused

watching Conan O'Brien on TV.

- And what, Connie, what did with say about Conan?

Don't give into your trigger.

Those fiery locks will not fill your void

once you break. - Ah, it's the way

that he touches his nipple

in that opening monologue.

I wanna switch to Jimmy Fallon, but I just can't!

- You gotta get the Wolf Blitzer treatment!

- Oh!

(mumbles)

9/11, 9/11, fat Garth Brooks, Wolf Blitzer,

Wolf Blitzer, Wolf Blitzer, Wolf Blizter, Wolf Blitzer.

Oh God, I feel I feel so much better

after I share with you guys, really.

- And we have a temporary visitor within the group.

Her name is Kara, and she's gonna be taking notes

on sex addiction for her degree.

- Hi, everyone.

I'm doing my dissertation on modern sex addiction.

Everything is confidential and anonymous.

- She'll be with us for about a month.

Let's make her feel at home.

- Oh no, actually just pretend like I'm a fly on the wall.

Speak freely about your addiction

like I'm not even here.

- Okay, well, as you know, I am dating an emo.

He's abstinent, and we're working

on penetrating our feelings.

- And ever since then, I refused to get a rim job, so, wait.

I have misplaced my cellular device inside.

I will be right back.

Don't move.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! - Okay.

Hoo!

Hey! - Hey!

- I'm Luke. - I know.

I met you earlier. - Right, right.

- By the way, I'm into blumpkins and golden showers.

- Oh, I am so sorry.

I didn't mean to-- - I'm just fucking with you.

- (laughing) You had me going there.

- How'd you get an invite to this thing?

- Mr. Adams is my boss, and I came out to him.

Not in that way.

I'm not gay.

I support the gays, I just don't do the--

- Mm-hmm. - I work for him at Buzzstory.

- Oh, right on.

I actually write for, I mean, I like to watch

Best Story Videos when I'm not trying to adult.

- Well, adulting can be overrated.

- It was nice to meet you. - Oh, you too.

Got the same thing on!

- Oh, right.

I'm gonna go home and change.

- Okay.

- Oh, it's perfect! - Mm-hmm.

- It has little antennas and shit.

- Oh! - I'm telling you guys

it's the best smoking device I ever made.

- Oh, man. (faint speaking)

- Oh! - Ooh, Luke!

There he is! - Oh, my Luke!

- What's up, my boy? - Hey, guys.

So you finally finished the caterpillar?

- [David] Oh, we're getting fucked up tonight!

- Chart Tuesdays! - Ah!

That's why I brought Sid's mystery juice!

- Ah. - Oh, what is in that?

- Let's find out.

- Okay, all right.

- Hoo!

- Ah, I can smell it from here.

Wow, mm.

- Okay, there is no-- - It is crazy.

- Turning back now! - Oh, ho, ho.

- Okay, all right. - Yeah!

- Woo! - So the boys caught me

up to speed on your newest scheme, Luke.

Risky waters you're entering.

- I've got everything under control.

And surprisingly, the first meeting wasn't that bad.

- Mm.

- And actually, I met a really cute girl.

- Well, what?

No, you're not Ben Affleck.

Stop putting your dick in things, man.

- I'm gonna hook up with her.

- No.

You've got to be kidding me. - What?

She seemed into me! - No, no.

You gotta get out while you still can.

- Who's up? - I'll hit it.

Here we go, here we go.

- Okay! - Here we go.

All right.

In three, two, one!

Oh, oh! - Whoa!

(David moaning) - Oh yeah!

- Get it! - Oh, ah, that was good.

That's good, that was really good.

- Sure, now give me that thing.

- Yeah, all right, here we go, here we go.

- Okay, how do you do this?

- All right, here we go.

- All right. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now you got it

(Luke coughing)

- Ooh, hoo, hoo! - Oh, God!

Ah.

(laughing)

Hoo.

I think I'm kinda high.

- Oh yeah.

It's kicking in.

(all laughing)

- I'm really high.

(Jackson laughing)

- Hey guys, I'm Seth Rogen.

I date unattainable hot girls

and Craig Robinson is in all my movies.

He's my only black friend!

(men laughing)

- Oh, you smoke my weed, Greg, huh?

- Oh! - You smoking my weed, Greg?

Yeah, you come in here

and you Puff the Magic Dragon, Greg, huh?

- Sasha, Malia, go to bed.

And I just want you to know Donald Trump,

you can wiretap my dick.

(all laughing)

- Larry the Cable Guy here.

Let's put some weed in the puppet and get 'er done!

(all shouting)

♪ Weed for me, weed for you. ♪

♪ We've got another smoking to do ♪

- Okay, bah!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

All right, all right, okay, oh, okay.

I (mumbles).

Bah! First of all, you got to know that this is my weed,

and I smokin' the weed.

Okay, okay, all right, all right, all right!

- Wait, wait, wait! - Ah, listen here, boo-boo.

It's pimpin' in here.

Pimp down, pimp down, pimpin' the stress a little bit.

Just get your hands off my Mary Jane!

(group laughing)

- What the fuck was that, Luke?

- What do you mean?

- You can't do Katt Williams.

You are white as shit!

- You did Seth Rogen.

- Seth Rogen is Jewish.

Black people and Jewish people, we on the same team.

- You know what impression's completely ruined?

Bill Cosby. - Yeah.

(record scratching) - Yeah.

- Oh, yeah. - Well, yeah.

- Got the Jell-O and the pudding

and got the flipping it, blah, well, pudding!

They got the pudding in there!

Come downstairs and get the old,

get the flip, or flap, or flop,

and just party's smoking weed!

You get to eat all of the--

- [All] Pudding!

- What do you put the weed in?

Here, you put the weed in a cat up the road

that you get to make, and you get to see a fat--

(loud knocking)

- Oh. - Oh, oh.

Oh, that is for-- - That better not be the cops.

- Me! - Sort of on probation.

- Pardon me just one.

Okay, all right.

- You're on probation? - One second.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay. - Guys, I've been through cop stuff before.

Play dead.

You play dead, the cops won't--

- No, I'm not doing that.

Wendy, play dead. - Oh my God.

This is-- - No, Wendy, please.

- I'm not doing that. - Act like you a mummy.

- I'll just, ah. - Wendy, just die slow.

- Okay.

- Play dead. - God.

- Hey!

Are you all smoking out of fruit?

(upbeat music)

♪ A little bit of this and that ♪

- Okay, so what's his name?

- Luke. - Luke, how generic.

So is he cute? - He's cute,

but Bruno wants me to do the story on him.

- Oh my God, so wait.

You are going to con the sex addict

so he falls for you

and then you're gonna write about it in your magazine.

- I know.

It sounds terrible when you put it like that.

- Yes, it does. - It's my job.

And I have an Amazon Wish List

that's not paying for itself.

(Andre laughing)

Oh, well, it seems like he has a secret or something.

I can't figure out what it is.

- Maybe he's into barnyard animals

or old ladies with leg tats.

(Andre baaing)

- You're so nasty! (both laughing)

(light music)

- What's up, Aimee? - I'm not doing anything!

- You was making a collage of Luke!

- It's work related. - Really?

It don't even matter.

Hey, what's your Insta 'cause I wanna know

if you can--

Hey.

Tom, she likes me, huh?

Yeah.

(light music)

- So before we dive into our shares today,

I'd just like to bring something up.

Management did email me regarding a cupcake

being flushed down the toilet.

So it did back up the system.

And let's just be mindful

of putting solid objects down the toilet.

Also, this is a shared space.

They do a community theater for the kids here,

so it's gotta function outside of this group.

Anyway, please, Peter.

Share with us your feelings about Scott.

- Mm.

Obviously Scott and I are together.

He's the cheater and I'm the drunk.

After the cheating got really bad,

I decided it was time to address the problem.

It just feels like to me,

every time he tells me he's not out

fucking other guys, I walk in on him

fucking other guys.

- Mm, and that's why you're such a fucking perfect man.

You down two bottles of Nuala before noon every day.

- Tempranillo. - No, you pass out

and sleep through most of the day.

I hate you when you're drunk.

And that's why I go to the bars in our neighborhood

and find a man, any man.

It doesn't matter. - Any man.

He'll literally fuck anybody.

- This lifestyle, it isn't healthy for either of you.

Now I can't force sobriety on you.

None of us can.

You both need to do it yourself.

You need to decide to listen to your higher power.

(faint chattering)

- Hey, I was wondering if maybe

I can get your phone number in case

I wanna bounce around ideas.

(Luke laughing) Is that cool?

- Oh, totally, my lady! - Okay.

Was that Jack Black? - Yeah.

It's just something me and my friends do.

- I don't hate it. - Oh yeah!

Would you like me to sing you a song?

- I don't know, do I?

- Oh, you do, you do.

♪ Kara here's a super cool chick ♪

♪ And now she has my number and that is really sick ♪

(rapidly trilling)

♪ Boo ♪

You gotta do that thing.

- Yeah, that thing. - Yeah, mm-hmm.

- That was nice after a really intense meeting.

- It was pretty intense, right?

- It was very intense. - Oh, wait.

There's Luke. - Oh boy.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Coming in hot! - Okay.

- Adams is here.

(Mr. Adams laughing)

Listen, with us having such a great productive meeting

earlier today, I wanna keep the open space open.

So Kara, listen to this.

Luke, I want you to head

the production team tomorrow

and to the top 10 video.

Boom! - Oh, what?

Really? - Yeah!

- What about Steve, though?

He's the EP

on that, I thought. - Well, Steve, Steve,

Steve, Steve, Steve. Steve just left Buzzstory.

- Oh, wow. - Yeah.

Apparently he got poached by one of the other networks.

So yeah, right now I need someone I can trust,

someone to step up.

And that person is my boy Luke right here.

(Mr. Adams laughing) - Okay, yeah.

- Yeah. - Thank you, sir.

- You're welcome, man.

You've been doing your job

and you've been working through your addiction.

No see, right?

I commend you for that and I love it, man.

- Mm-hmm, thanks, yeah.

- Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm!

Well, I gotta get home to a little Mrs. Adams.

Apparently she wants to watch Little Women: ATL,

which is a bit of a joy!

And also, she made some tofu pasta.

I'm gonna go on and head on out

and let you two shanoodle along.

Goodbye! - Oh!

- Oh, boy. - Goodbye, all right.

- Oh! - Ah, I have hurt my ass.

- Can he touch us like that? - I know, yeah.

Is this your boss? - I don't think this

is the best. - He's very interesting.

- That is my boss, yeah.

Ah, man. - Congrats on the promotion.

- Oh yeah, thanks.

Ah, it's the right place at the right time I guess, huh?

- Do you need to get that?

- No, but I do need somebody

to walk me to my car.

- Oh, is it scary outside? - Super scary.

The Zodiac Killer?

He was never found. - Oh.

How interesting.

(smooth music)

- So where's your partner in crime?

- Ah, he's supposed to be here.

- You know he chasing tail. - Lucky bastard.

(phone buzzing)

- Hey, how's it going?

Yeah, the house is empty tonight.

- Like the fuck it is. - Yeah.

It'll just be you and me. - No, it won't.

- Ah.

I did not jerk it today.

I've been saving it for you. - Nice.

- Oh, ah, one second, one second.

Ah, hey, man.

I'm gonna need this.

Brittany is offering butt stuff tonight.

- Yeah, yeah, no, I don't care.

No. - No, butt stuff!

- No, no butt stuff, that's gross.

- It's butt stuff. - Come on.

♪ But stuff, gotta get that butt stuff ♪

♪ But stuff, butt stuff ♪

♪ Butt stuff, butt stuff ♪

- Yeah, that's gonna be a no from me.

- Oh, come on, it's my rosebud, bro!

- What is a rosebud?

- [Sid And David] "Citizen Kane."

- Never seen it. - Oh, okay.

- Dude, you really shouldn't stand in a guy's way

of his sexual essence.

- Yeah, oh, oh, meet you in an hour.

All right. - No, no.

No, you don't. - No, I gotta go. I gotta go, I gotta go! - No, you don't.

You see, that's some bullshit right there.

- Hey, you know what?

You can stay on my couch tonight.

How about that?

- Sid, man, it's not even about that.

- The wife's got some dank ass weed at home.

- Look, I got all these dick pics

and nobody to send 'em to.

- Yeah, you do. - I mean, Sid,

can I be honest right now?

I don't wanna die alone.

- Well, that's why you gotta find

the one that's worth dying for.

- But how do you find that one?

I try everything.

I do everything just to get the girl,

and I don't end up with the girl.

And then I feel like they not even seeing me for me.

I'm putting up this front all the time.

And then I'm starting to question.

I don't think I'm good enough.

- Jackson, you see this bottle of bourbon?

- [Jackson] Yeah.

(gentle piano music)

- Ah, gonna add a little of this.

Nice, okay, try that.

(gentle piano music)

- Oh. - Mm-hmm.

- Wow. - Okay, now?

Try that.

(gentle piano music)

- Yeah, that's good. - Better, right?

- Yeah. - You don't need

all that other stuff.

Look, just stop trying so hard.

Be yourself.

That's what women like anyways.

- Be myself?

- Yeah, 'cause I think you're pretty neat.

(gentle music)

- Well, since you've pretty much learned everything

about me at these meetings,

I want you to tell me something about you,

anything I wanna know about the beautiful

and mysterious Kara.

- Maybe I don't wanna tell you.

- Ho, oh!

I see how it is.

- Yeah, let me think about it.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 11.

Marky Mark was my soulmate.

- "Good vibrations," nice. - Mm-hmm.

His poster was right over my bed.

What else? Oh, when I was a teenager, I was in a punk rock

all girls band with the pink hair and a nose ring.

And I was like a walking billboard for No Doubt.

- Oh, you were a Hot Topic chick.

- I was, indeed.

It was my rebellious teenage stage.

- Oh, I had one of those too.

Oh shit, when Blink 182 went naked on MTV,

I thought punk rock was everything.

But now that I think about it,

I just actually listened to it

to piss my parents off.

(laughing)

- You think I'm cute, don't you?

- What?

- I'm just fucking with you. - Mm.

- Can I be honest with you? - Sure.

- You know what, you're not like the other guys.

You don't really seem like an addict.

- Well, I kind of am.

I just, it's not. - It's okay.

I mean, everybody has their story.

- There's something about you that I'm really drawn to.

I don't know how this is gonna work

with me being in the program, and--

- Dating an addict is all about trust

and setting boundaries.

- Well, for what it's worth, I do think you're kinda cute.

- Kind of? - Yeah.

- (laughing) Does somebody want to cult me?

- Oh, that would be lovely.

- That was terrible.

Don't ever do that again.

- No, that was a pretty decent Michael Caine.

- Oh, that was really-- - It was good.

- Really not believable at all.

- [Luke] You don't know your Michael Caine.

- Look, I know you're going through

this whole program thing,

but let's just go with the flow, get to know each other.

I'll see you around? - Yeah.

- Goodnight!

- Goodnight!

(gentle music)

- You can do this, Master Wayne.

(upbeat music)

♪ You are the star of your day ♪

♪ In some kind of way ♪

♪ But somebody's trying to take you down ♪

♪ And it's a long dispute when your money ♪

♪ Doesn't agree with you ♪

♪ Still you take it anyway ♪

♪ Don't let the gloom ruin your mood ♪

♪ Don't let it take away what your body needs every day ♪

♪ When everything is riding on you ♪

♪ Don't let the gloom ruin your mood ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, whoa ♪

♪ Don't let the gloom ruin your mood ♪

♪ Don't let it take away what your body needs every day ♪

♪ When everything is riding on you ♪

♪ Don't let the gloom take your day away from you ♪

- [Leader] How can you listen to your higher power

without giving In to your inner demons?

- Meetings. - Coffee.

- Appreciating Idris Elba, but intellectually.

(all laughing) - To care for

the people around you? - What was that, Luke?

- The most important thing

is to care for the people around you.

You just focus on that and everything else

just kinda falls into place.

- Spot on, brother.

- Oh, so I was at this record store the other day,

and I found something I think you might like.

- A No Doubt compact disc!

- It is signed, too. - Vintage!

- Mm-hmm.

- You're just a modern day John Cusack.

- Oh, well, thank you. - I might just go

away but it once, and wait, tofu pasta again, Sandy?

(laughing)

Well, how did you know I wanted it

a fourth night in a row, huh?

You know me so well.

I love you, too!

(laughing)

- [Luke] Oh my. - Is that what married life is gonna be like?

- I kinda hope not, but.

- There's something I feel like I should tell you, but--

- Well, what? - You've just been

so sweet to me.

Thank you.

- This is probably a good time for.

Great!

Our first kiss was not only initiated by you,

but it was a cheek kiss.

God, you're killing it, Luke, killing it!

- Do something about it then.

- Oh, what the hell was that?

- [Kara] Did somebody throw a pine cone?

- I think it was a fucking pine cone!

♪ I got them blues for you, split that bread on you ♪

♪ I'm still connected to you ♪

♪ And I'm texting you ♪

- Good morning. - No, no.

Don't talk to me before I've had my coffee.

So where were you last night?

- Out. - Out?

Thanks for the invite. - With Luke.

- Naughty, naughty girl! - We didn't do anything.

We just kissed, and he gave me a gift, a No Doubt CD.

- He is straight up trying to date you.

Motherfuckers just don't give CDs anymore.

- I'd let him if it wasn't for the fact

that I'm living a lie!

I don't know if I can go through with this story.

He's a great guy and I feel bad.

- You've fallen for him, haven't you?

We're getting mimosas!

(Kara laughing) (loud knocking)

- Can I help you? - Help me?

- Yeah, you're at my front door.

- Gotta go!

- Okay, that was weird. - You know what?

I don't trust any white girl

who comes unannounced.

Are you selling drugs? - How do you think

I pay rent? - Is it coke?

- Mm-hmm. - Let it snow, let it snow.

- I'm happy to say for the first time in my adult life,

not only is it okay to date again,

but I will not let my relationships

be defined by my butt urges.

- Mm, jumping out of the dating pool is scary though.

Let's do this. - Mm, but now

we can lean on each other.

You deserve that too, Deb.

- Oh, you're so sweet to me. - It's good stuff.

Now before we leave, it's come to my attention

that somebody reached a milestone this week.

- Ooh! - Oh, that's right!

Luke? - Mm-hmm?

- It is my great honor to have taken you under my wing

in this program.

I like to think of you as the Urkel to my Winslow.

Hashtag Family Matters for life!

(laughing)

I would like to present you with this 30 day chip.

30 day chip.

30 day chip.

- Oh.

- (laughing) Isn't it great?

- Yes! - I brought him here!

- I know! - I did!

(all applauding) (faint speaking)

- I just don't know what to say.

- He's speechless, folks. - He's speechless!

- Yes! (all applauding)

- Ooh, oh, oh, speaking of milestones, I will be, well,

having an impromptu gathering at my home

to celebrate five years of sobriety this weekend.

- Oh, wow. - And guess what?

You all are invited to join!

I have an extensive collection of hot sauces to die for!

- Bravo! (all chattering)

- I like that! - Habanero be crazy!

(All laughing) I don't know.

- I'll bring vodka. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah? - Well, so I just--

- Oh, you're not thinking about relapsing, are you?

- No, I need-- - Okay, great,

because I am in a rush.

Listen, we'll talk more about the barbecue, all right?

I'll be all ears.

All right, I am excited!

(gentle music)

- So, I guess we have a party to go to this weekend.

- I guess so. - Congrats on 30 days.

- Listen, there's something that I've been wanting

to talk to you about, but I just don't know how to say--

- Why don't you come over - What I--

- Some night and we can talk about whatever you want?

- Maybe it's better if we--

- Maybe it's better if we what?

- Nothing.

(upbeat music)

- Okay, so there's a pug that is every single

Nicholas Cage movie, Nicholas Pug.

- [Jackson] Well, well, well, Look who it is.

- Want a beer? - No, I'm cool.

I got plans. - Flaking out on us again.

- I'm not flaking out.

I'm just at a different place in my life right now.

- She's just another piece of ass.

- Actually, no, she's not.

- Just 'cause you have feelings for this girl

all of a sudden you're better than us?

- Don't be an asshole, man.

I didn't say that. - I mean, how big

is this lay gonna get?

Whatever happened to thou shalt not fall in love?

- Uncle Doug's dead, okay?

He died alone, and I'm not gonna end up like that.

- Okay, all right, well, do what you want.

I'm over it. - Yeah!

(Jackson sighing)

We miss you.

(upbeat music)

- [David] So what was so important

that you needed to meet us?

- You know that Luke and I were together

and he told me that he couldn't be anymore

because he had a sex addiction?

- Well, I saw him making out with another girl

the other day, and now all I can think about

is that he lied to me!

And that girl isn't even his type!

- I think that if you have a problem,

you should talk to Luke

'cause I'm not the one who slept with you.

- You are such an asshole, David.

- What? - I'm just so afraid

that I'm gonna end up alone.

It's like my whole world is caving in

and I don't know what to do.

I just wanna be loved. - That's exactly what I want.

- Hey, at least I am not the one who broke her heart.

- No, you're just a liar and a slob.

- You guys are right! - Oh, okay, all right.

So may I just say that you are so high strung

that I can barely stand listening to you speak?

- You're right! - You're like the '80s

but without the cocaine. - Okay, you are a dick.

- You like it. - No, you are a dick.

- You are such a fucking dick! - Oh, you like it, oh!

- Guys, I think I got a thing for crazy Aimee.

- [David] Oh.

(gentle guitar music)

(Luke sighing)

(loud knocking)

- Hey.

Whoa.

I didn't expect you.

- Shut up and kiss me. - Yup!

(gentle guitar music)

- Hi. - Hey.

- You're still here. - I am.

- Most guys don't stay. - Well, this guy is staying.

- I know you had something you wanted to say to me,

but I wanna tell you something first.

- Okay. - I think I'm falling for you.

- I think I'm falling for you, too.

- What did you wanna tell me?

- This, it's not important.

- Are you going to the party tonight?

- Yeah, I'll come get you. - No, I'll come pick

you up at Buzzstory. - Sounds good.

(Kara laughing)

(car beeping)

- I can't believe you! - Ah!

How did you find me?

- I saw you the other night.

Do you know how it feels to know that you lied to me,

that there was another girl?

And what about the sex addiction stuff?

Was that just a lie, too? - Okay, you can't

stalk me like this. - I just want

to know the truth, Luke.

Just tell me the fucking truth!

- Now you know the fucking truth!

The truth is that you freak me out

because you're acting all 50 shades of crazy!

You dropped the L-bomb after one fun night out.

And I freaked out and I had to find my way out, okay?

(Aimee sobbing) It's what I do.

I'm sorry.

I shoulda just told you the truth.

- Yes, you should have.

- Since I've been in this sex addiction program,

it's kind of put my love life into perspective,

and I have you to thank for that.

- You're welcome so much.

Goodbye forever.

- So did you tell him?

- No, I didn't know what to say.

And I don't know what to do about this story.

- Well, you gotta make a decision.

Either go all in on this guy or don't,

but you gotta do something.

- I wish it was that easy.

- Kara, it couldn't be easier.

Advance your career or take a shot at love.

I think we both know what you should do.

(Kara sighing)

(gentle jazz music)

- Hey, Aimee. - Can I help you?

- No, you can't.

You know what, yeah, you actually can help me.

Aimee, I like you.

I wanna date you.

I think that you are 100% sexy,

and I am 100% committed to making you happy.

I wanna take you out on a date,

like a real motherfucking date where we sit in a park,

and drink wine, and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,

and watch Golden Retrievers get frisbees and shit,

real white people shit.

I wanna do these things with you!

I will straight up delete every online

dating profile for you.

I'll never send another dick pic ever again.

Nobody even likes dick pics.

You see this phone?

I'm always connected to this phone.

(phone clattering) Sorry, Tod.

So what's up?

I laid it out on the line.

- I think I'm a fantasy and love addict.

- (laughing) Right, I've heard this before.

I'm not joking.

Do you wanna take me to my first meeting?

- Fuck yeah!

Hell yeah I would!

Yes.

I would.

I would be honored to take you to your first meeting.

All right, so should I--

- Call me.

- You never gave me your number.

I'll get it before I leave work.

- Okay. - Cool?

I feel like I wanna hug you right now.

Can I?

- Later, yeah. - It's too soon. Too soon, okay, all right, all right, all right.

- Hello!

Hello

(bell dinging)

Sorry Not Sorry magazine.

It's a really good one.

- Right?

I think I am DFA.

Anyway, how can I help you?

- I'm here to see Luke Peters at Buzzstory.

Oh, I think he's at an edit bay.

Let me look.

- Hey, I think I know you.

Are you?

Sorry. - My name is Kara.

- Oh, you're the famous Kara.

I live with Luke. - Oh!

I didn't know he had a roommate.

- Yeah, he probably hasn't said anything.

- Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

Hey, I finally did it!

I finally told Aimee how I fucking feel about her.

I did it! Hey, what's up? - Sorry.

Aimee, what? - Yeah.

Just, we can't be together right now

'cause she just admitted that she's a fantasy addict

and a love addict!

I'm taking her to her first meeting.

- Oh, hey, I think we should probably--

- It's cool 'cause I think she's telling me the truth

and she's not lying how Luke is pretending

to be a sex addict.

I threw away my good phone for her!

I can't imagine how good sex is gonna be.

Oh my gosh. - Is he talking about--

- No, I mean, we have a couple Lukes.

- I get it.

Tell him to enjoy his coffee.

(David sighing)

- Dude. - Who was that?

- That was Luke's Kara. - What?

- That was Luke's Kara. - Oh, Kara, Kara?

- Luke's Kara. - Oh, shit!

That's Kara. - Yeah.

- Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke!

- Hey Kara, it's Luke.

I was just calling to see if you were still

on your way over here.

Call me back.

- Luke!

Oh, shit!

Okay, all right, all right, all right, I gotta call him.

He's gotta know.

Oh, damn it! - You know what?

Here it is, here it is, here it is.

I got it. - Yeah?

- He can just tell Kara that we was just fucking around.

That's what Jackson and David do.

We just kid around.

You could do that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, we're like his wacky friends.

- Always messing around. - Yeah, yeah.

We're two silly guys. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Like Cheech and Chong.

- Oh my gosh, that is a great idea!

We should get so lit right now.

We should get into character and then go look for him.

- That is a great idea.

- Yeah, it was. - I like that.

I like that one very much.

(upbeat music)

(phone buzzing)

- Ooh! - Oh!

(woman laughing)

Hey.

- Hey! - Hey!

- How are you? - Oh, I'm good.

- Ooh, yes, yes. - Okay, wow.

- Yes!

Wolf Blitzer, Wolf Blitzer. - Yeah, yep.

Just keep repeating that. - And I love it.

(laughing)

- Okay, one second.

- Hoo!

(upbeat music)

Good to see you! - You too.

(upbeat music)

(car beeping)

Ready for this? - I'm ready!

(upbeat music)

- All right, what's his problem?

(upbeat music)

Hey, I thought we were gonna meet at the office.

Oh, fuck!

What the hell was that for?

- Don't stand there all innocent

and pretend like you don't know.

- Listen, Kara, maybe we should talk

about this somewhere-- - Save your breath.

Stay the hell away from me.

- Kara, would you please just talk to me?

- You wanna talk?

Are you sure you wanna talk in front of all these people?

Okay, how about we start off with how you're a liar?

Everything's been a lie.

Pretending to be a sex addict?

- Whoa! - What?

Oh, I have been-- - Well, now.

- Oh. - Wait, what's going on?

- What? - I messed up, okay?

I'm sorry.

- Do you know how humiliating it is

to find out this from all of your friends?

I actually had feelings for you.

- Okay, well, maybe you should leave.

- [Woman] Do it.

- I talked about my sex life with you.

- Oh!

- I deserved that.

- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

♪ Ba da, da, da, da, da ♪

Oh, whoa, Luke.

Why is your face so red?

- Luke's been lying to Kara and to all of us

about being a sex addict.

He a fake!

- Luke, is this true?

- Yes, but I can explain. (Mr. Adams mumbling)

- Processing betrayal, processing betrayal.

Processing complete.

Luke, I'm gonna have to ask you

to leave my house immediately.

I am disappointing in you and well,

I'll see you Monday in the office.

(solemn piano music)

- Fuck!

(solemn piano music)

(engine starting)

(solemn music)

So this is what

you were trying to have me avoid, heartbreak.

There's something I always wanted to ask you,

but you died, so I never got the chance.

Were you ever in love?

Did you ever care about someone enough

to just go all in?

(phone buzzing)

- Bruno, hi.

I know that I owe you a story, and I'm working on it.

I'd-- - I need the story

on your guy!

We need to go to print with it,

and I already have given you enough time.

- I know, and I'm working on it.

There's just a little problem. - What does that even mean?

When am I getting the story?

- I think I fell for him.

Actually, I know I fell for him, and I can't

do the story anymore. - Love isn't real!

It's a Hallmark movie. - I'm sorry.

I gotta go. - Don't.

Don't hang up on me. (phone beeps)

- Andre?

He lied to me. It's over. - Girl, you lied to him.

- I know, I know.

I should tell him the truth, shouldn't I?

- [Andre] Damn right you do.

- I'm gonna pick you up. - I'm already out the door.

I ain't gonna miss this fairytale ending.

(phone beeps)

(Luke scoffing)

- Are you kidding me?

- Luke, just one second. - Okay.

I can't believe you guys showed up here

after that fucking stunt you pulled.

- Let me explain. - Oh, this oughta be good.

- I spilled the beans to her.

I didn't even know it was her.

I didn't even realize that-- - Okay.

- That was the Kara at work. - But because of you,

this is over, so thanks.

- What did you expect was gonna happen?

You were the one that was lying to her

the whole time, not us!

How did you think this was gonna end?

- I don't know.

I should expect it to end like this, right?

And the ironic thing is today

was gonna be the day I was gonna tell her, so yeah.

- I'm sorry about that, man. - Yeah.

I guess it's what I get for being a jackass, huh?

- Well, yeah, a little.

(Luke laughing)

- And I completely fucked up our friendship along the way.

And I was blind to the fact

that she just want into me, but just the idea of me.

Well, there's nothing else I can do.

- Well, there's one thing we can do.

♪ Touching you slowly in the back of my car ♪

♪ Falling too quickly ♪

- And come on, come on, come on, come on come on! - Got it, got it!

- Come on! - Thank you, Mark Zuckerberg.

♪ Sharing my story along with the scars ♪

♪ Drive until the sun comes out ♪

♪ Photos of you filling up on my phone ♪

♪ Looking back on 'em every time we're apart ♪

- Ah, the boys are back! - Hey!

Six shots of whiskey, please!

- Ah, you got it!

Whoa.

- Okay.

- Yeah, no, I got it, I got it.

- Can't find the G-spot, can't carry his glasses.

- Luke, good to see you back.

I guess you got that stick outta your ass, huh?

(Luke and David laughing)

- It's nice to be home. - Mm-hmm, it sure is!

To our boy Luke, who is back in the game!

Mm.

- Fair enough.

- Mm.

- Ah. - Yeah!

♪ I am crazy and I love the way you laugh ♪

♪ The loudest every time ♪

♪ These are the ways you drive me wild, wild ♪

♪ Woo, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Baby, hold me closer tonight ♪

♪ I'm sticking with you till I die ♪

♪ 'cause I don't wanna be here unless it's with you, you ♪

♪ I love when you hold me so tight ♪

♪ I'm sticking with you till I die ♪

- Hey, it's been a while.

- It has.

- I mean, it the first time I've ever seen you.

- Mind if I join you guys?

- Sure. - What are you drinking?

- Everything. - Well then, let's order

a few rounds of everything.

- Do I know you?

- Do you want to? (David scoffing)

♪ I don't care what people say ♪

♪ You're crazy and I love the way ♪

♪ You laugh the loudest ♪

- Come with me. - Okay!

- Oh!

- What? - I got your phone.

- What? - Man, I didn't know

Khaleesi likes to get lit.

♪ 'Cause I don't wanna be here unless it's with you, you ♪

♪ I love when you hold me so tight ♪

♪ I'm sticking with you till I die ♪

♪ I don't wanna be here unless it's with you, you ♪

♪ Sticking with you, sticking with you ♪

♪ Oh, sticking with you ♪

♪ Oh, sticking with you ♪

- I'm not gonna fuck myself.

- All right.

♪ Baby, hold me closer ♪

♪ I'm not getting any older without you ♪

♪ Baby, hold me closer ♪

♪ I'm not getting any ♪

- Hey, Jackson, right? - Oh, shit!

- Ah, Kara!

You're here! - This is--

- I'm Andre. - Hey!

Nice to meet to you. - No.

- Hey, Andre, how you-- - Sure.

- Okay, all right. - Where's Luke?

- Who? ♪ I don't wanna be here ♪

♪ Unless it's with you, you ♪

- Now remember what I said, boy.

Thou shalt not fall in love!

♪ Wanna be here unless it's with you ♪

- Great, great, our first kiss was not only

initiated by you, but it was a cheek kiss.

- Do something about it then.

- Come on now.

♪ Here unless it's with you, you ♪

♪ Ooh, woo, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

(upbeat music)

(Luke sighing) - you guys have brain damage.

- Ooh, well, we-- - Hey!

Your body is still banging that hottie in the shitter,

so I'd like to buy Ms. Hottie a drink.

- Ooh, thank you, brother!

(Jackson muttering) Give me a hug.

Chris Brown his ass out. - I did it!

(upbeat music)

- This was a good chat.

- That's what I'm saying. - Get his ass on the ground,

- He was annoying! - Like he's supposed to.

- Dude. - What did you say about Luke?

- [David] Ah, wait.

Wait, wait, wait. - Hey Kara.

- I shoulda known this is who you are.

Fuck you!

You're a-- - It's not what you think.

Okay? - Oh, you wanna know the truth?

I work for a gossip magazine.

I was paid to fell in love with you,

and you are nothing but a story to me.

- Oh, you were paid to fall in love with me?

- Yeah, but the problem is, I actually did.

- [Luke] But you didn't go through with the story.

- No, but I should've.

- Hey, Kara!

- We were rooting for you!

We were all rooting for you!

How dare you?

Learn something from this!

(somber music)

- Who the fuck are you guys looking at?

- Well, Jackson, clear your schedule.

It's gonna be a long one. - Great.

I don't have anything on my schedule.

- Yeah.

(Aimee sobbing)

- He wasn't he guy for you.

- I know, I just feel so stupid.

- It's never stupid to follow your heart, baby.

(Kara sobbing)

- At least you don't lie to me,

and you definitely don't wanna sleep with me.

- Well yeah, that's true.

(Kara and Andre laughing)

Hey, let's finish our wine,

go to the gym tomorrow, get cute as fuck,

and find us a rebound, yeah?

- Hey, I love you. - I love you, too.

(gentle guitar music)

(loud banging)

- What are you doing, boy? - Huh?

Uncle Doug?

- (laughing) Yeah, I sure ain't Liam Neeson, man.

Could you imagine?

- Am I dead?

I'm dead, right?

- Shut up.

What, are you dead?

That's rude to say in front of me.

- I'm not dead?

- Nah.

You know why I'm here?

I'm here to point you in the right direction.

- Oh (laughing).

You know I based my entire love life on your advice?

- Did you?

That's so stupid of you!

You can't listen to me, man.

I was drunk.

Listen, I'm dead, okay?

I mean, I can't have anymore booze, cigarettes,

coke, puss, I can't get any of it, man.

You know how I feel about that?

Bad, I feel bad about it.

You still have a chance.

Go after her!

(loud thudding)

(upbeat music)

♪ In my head I feel all right ♪

♪ In my head I feel all right ♪

♪ In my head I feel all right ♪

♪ In my head, I'm not all right ♪

♪ Late night phone calls ♪

♪ Where have you been ♪

♪ Sorry I was busy ♪

♪ And I love you ♪

♪ But I'm getting tired ♪

♪ Anxiety is winning ♪

♪ And I wanted was you ♪

(Luke retching)

♪ Ah ♪

- Oh!

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

- Hey!

(laughing)

What are you guys doing?

Know what I'm doing?

I am going to find Kara

because she needs to know how much I love her!

(taser buzzing)

Oh, fuck!

(light music)

(David sighing)

- Well, that took a lot longer than expected.

- Yeah, I've always wanted to tase somebody.

(taser buzzing) - Jesus.

We have to help him to get Kara back.

- Ain't that his job?

- No.

Every man needs a wing man at some point.

Now that he won't do anything stupid,

let's go get his girl back.

- Yeah, I'm with you.

Why do you have a taser anyway?

- Ah, sex stuff.

- Oh my God, my legs feel like freaking Jell-O!

- Endorphins, baby!

Get it going! - Don't ever take me

to that class again. - Why?

Well, I told you we shouldn't do Zumba.

It's for middle-aged ladies with no lives.

- My butt is on fire!

(Andre gasping)

- Ooh! - Ooh!

♪ Don't you know, don't you, babe ♪

- You're buying that! - I'm not buying anything.

I don't have any money.

I'm broke now, remember? - Oh yeah, I'm sorry.

- Ah, how does my unemployed self look?

- (laughing) It looks good.

It looks really good.

(footsteps echoing)

- Kara! - Oh, damn!

These fools. - Kara, oh!

- Oh, God. - Listen, we've been trying

to find you. - Yeah, less stalkery, David.

- Oh, right.

Well, truth is, we did stalk Andre's Instagram--

- Oh my! - And we saw

that you were in a gym in the area.

We didn't know which one.

So we've been visiting a lot of gyms today.

- Yeah, look at these glutes.

Mm! - The point is

is that we've been trying to find you

and tell you that Luke was telling the truth.

- He's a liar.

I don't have time for that.

- You go, girl!

- Listen, if I've learned anything in the past 24 hours,

it's that you two are actually in love.

Now I may only find brief happiness

with anyone that I date, and I'm okay with that.

Everyone in this city is too stubborn to admit

that they want to love someone,

that they wanna be loved,

and they wanna depend on that person.

- So he didn't hook up with that girl?

- [Jackson] No!

- I know that he lied to you,

but give him a real chance.

Luke is a really good guy,

and he's the best thing that ever happened to us.

We're lucky to have him in our life.

Just give him another chance.

You won't regret it.

- Exactly what he said.

- Okay, if Luke feels this way, why is he not here?

- Because we hit him with a taser just one time

so he wouldn't do nothing stupid.

- Oh my God! - Is he okay?

- He was actually drunk and running

through the streets of Los Angeles trying to find you.

- [Luke] She needs to now how much I love her!

No! (taser buzzing)

(David sighing)

- Just think about it. That's all we ask.

(gentle music)

(Luke sighing)

(loud knocking)

- Aimee! - Hi, Luke!

- What's up, girl? - Come here, baby!

(Aimee and Jackson groaning)

You like that? - Yeah, yeah.

Do it again, do it again!

(Aimee and Jackson grunting) - Are you two--

(Aimee and Jackson grunting)

- Are you two a--

- Listen, Luke.

We're not putting any titles on this.

- Mm-mm. - Mm, choke me, choke me.

- Yeah?

He's helping me through my addiction.

- Mm-hmm. - Aren't you, baby? - Yes, I am! - Jackson's helping you

through your addiction?

- Yeah. - Luke, I've finally realized

that you can't base a relationship just off orgasms.

- No, ooh! - No, ah, ah.

- Oh yeah? - Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!

- Get it! - Oh, God!

- They've humping in the house.

What is happening here?

- I'm just here for David.

- Hey! - Yes, hi.

- Come on, welcome, welcome.

Come on in. - Thank you.

- Come on in. - Luke, would you mind

taking a walk or something?

We're gonna need the whole house.

- Oh, I'm gone. - Awesome.

- Yeah. - Thanks, man.

- No, no problem. - Does David need

to clean his room? - Oh yeah, yeah.

It's messy. So I've been a messy baby!

- Holy shit!

(Luke sighing)

(phone ringing)

- Walking through the streets

of Los Angeles drunk is dangerous.

- You're right.

They never did find that Zodiac Killer.

(upbeat music)

Come on.

(upbeat music)

♪ Say ♪

♪ Say it ♪

♪ Would you look at me like lovers do ♪

♪ Stop ♪

♪ Stop running ♪

♪ Would you stay with me and make believe ♪

♪ Till the morning passes by ♪

♪ Say anything you want to me ♪

♪ And I'll say it back to you ♪

♪ I'll be anyone you want me to be ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody wants somebody new ♪

♪ Say it ♪

♪ Would you look at me like lovers do ♪

♪ Till the morning passes by ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Say anything you want to me ♪

♪ And I'll say it back to you ♪

♪ I don't care that you don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody wants somebody new ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ So come on, come on, you know it's true ♪

♪ You're over me and I'll get over you ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ So come on, come on, you know it's true ♪

♪ Everybody wants somebody new ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Say ♪

♪ Say it ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ I said did you know ♪

♪ That I don't want you to go ♪

♪ I said did you know ♪

♪ That I don't want you to go ♪

♪ Boy, I've been meaning to tell you ♪

♪ Please, won't you take me back ♪

♪ Sorry I waited to tell you ♪

♪ Please, won't you take me back ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo, hoo, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Boy, I never meant to hurt you ♪

♪ God knows how hard I tried ♪

♪ No answers to questions you ask me ♪

♪ For the reasons I chose to lie ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, oh, oh ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I said I need you to know ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Boy, I never meant to hurt you ♪

♪ Please, won't you take me back ♪

♪ I meant to say I'm sorry ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm really bad at that ♪

("I Need You To Know")

♪ This is an exercise about how to finish and begin ♪

♪ And all living well ♪

♪ This is knowing that was then ♪

♪ Warning, take your alarm, desire its sound ♪

♪ Best friends forever ♪

♪ You better find some shelter now ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, bombs away ♪

♪ I'm staring out at fourth and forever ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Bombs away ♪

♪ I'm staring out at fourth and forever ♪

("I Need You To Know")