Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[Lisa] When I was 10,

after my mum ran off with the paediatrician,

I killed a squirrel.

I wanted it to feel pain.

My father decided I was going to be a murderer.

He sat me down with a cup of tea and asked me.

I said, "No, of course not.

"I'm going to be a healer."

- Hi. - Oh, holy shit!

You mind me jump?

Who are you?

Frankie James.

From Burberry.

Well.

I model.

I get that you're not exactly the demographic.

Oh, no, sorry.

I'm just going to film.

Session.

Uh, nice plaster.

Oh, thank you.

They sell them in packs of 10.

Great.

Should we go in?

Uh, well it doesn't look open.

I was worried we had the wrong address.

Oh, no look.

The Woman's Head, Fleshmuch Lane, Barkshire.

Oh, okay.

Nice hair.

Loved the Simpsons growing up.

Yeah, it's not natural.

Nor is why we're here.

Geez, look at this one's drother.

He's got some style.

What a way to greet your patrons.

Bartholomew III.

Imagine being called Bart.

You made it.

I hope you're both hungry.

Oh, starved as always.

I'm on a diet.

I'm not eating any gluten, wheat, dairy, sugar,

broccoli, anything fattening.

Okay, well, shouldn't be fattening at all.

Hey, you got stuff, Lisa?

Yeah, it's in the car,

but I'm not too sure about all this.

Lisa, darling, trust me.

This dinner's gonna change your life.

Sorry, who are you?

Ian, Ian Bartholomew IV.

Hi Bart.

So what happens now?

Get the curtains.

[woman typing]

[Bartholomew Voiceover] Loner.

No wife, no son, my lineage ruined.

You inconsiderate little shit.

Well good evening, father.

I made it just the way you like it.

[Man] And action.

[Frankie James sighs]

Look up.

[Man] Five minutes to the shoe, Frankie.

Also there's a meet and greet later

with some new faces to the agency.

Do you want me to tell them to shove off?

No, no.

No, I'll help them out.

[woman sighs]

Oh God.

Hm, this isn't the bathroom.

Yeah well, what gave it away?

[Bartholomew Voiceover] You're useless.

Pathetic, not even a man.

I am ashamed to call you my son.

[leaves shuffling]

Do you feel that yet, do you?

Do you, you little shit?

You useless, stupid boy.

Are you open?

Oh, yes.

Frankie James?

You're a bit of a mess, aren't you?

[woman gasps]

Looks a bit empty to me.

My father always wanted a meat only pub.

You know, I don't want to have

your bloody fruitarian, vegetarian, vegan,

gluten-free riffraff in my God damned pub.

He said they ruined everything,

including his marriage.

Hm.

[Frankie James screaming]

What are you screaming about?

I can't remember.

What was I screaming about?

[Frankie James screaming lightly]

Oh, this might be why I was screaming.

Oh God.

I feel like death.

Yeah, well she looks like death.

[Lisa gasps]

Hello.

I'm Ian.

Yeah, we know, Ian.

Wait, who are you again?

I'm Lisa, and you?

I'm Frankie, Frankie James, for Burberry.

Soon for Ralph Lauren, though.

Oh, my son loves those Ralph Lauren polos.

Oh, I've got those mints somewhere.

If you'd just like to hang on.

Polo shirts.

What's that boy?

It's Frankie.

Hello, I'm Ian.

Okay, fantastic.

Is anyone gonna mention the elephant in the room?

Oh, I'm so sorry, yes.

No, I'll take it down to if it offends you.

My, my father murdered it in Cambodia.

No, I think Mr Frankie James

meant the dead woman over here.

Oh.

Oh no, that's not good.

I've got a health inspector due here.

I think we have more pressing concerns right now, Bart.

Don't call me Bart, please.

I'm sorry, it's a slip of the tongue.

It's Ian.

Okay, sorry, old man.

Not so much of the old please.

I am never gonna get that old.

Yeah well, it happens to the best of us.

And to the worst of us.

Who is she?

I don't know.

I remember drinking lots of beer.

Yeah, me too.

She's bleeding into the mahogany.

Yeah, well I doubt the health inspector has a CSI kit.

My father made that table.

I've seen bad tables.

You can't say that.

Well, you've clearly never been

to the [indistinct] Museum of Furniture.

Who has?

You can't say that about my father's furniture.

Did we do coke?

Is that what's happened to my mind?

I wouldn't touch that stuff.

I mean, I can't.

Why is she bleeding?

Because she's got holes in her.

- Mm. - Oh God.

Perhaps somebody should have a look.

I can't, not me.

I'm a haemophiliac, means I've got a fear of blood.

No that's.

Old man Ian, you're up bud.

You're a hemophobic.

No I'm not.

I don't care about a person's sexuality.

Wow.

She's been attacked.

By what?

Uh, listen, I know I'm an industry,

but I'm never touching this, just saying.

No, no, no.

These are bite marks.

[News Anchor] And in other coincidental news,

a big black rabid dog has been heard

around the outskirts of Barkshire.

And we ask anyone who may know of its whereabouts

to call our station on 0784...

Whoa!

What's that phone number?

That hobbledy-hoy cut if off.

Hobbledy?

Listen, it was hurting my ears.

My senses are very sensitive right now.

Are either of you Bear Grylls by any chance?

No, but I did drink my own urine one.

They told me it might work.

Oh God, no, no.

You don't want to drink urine.

I've got some lovely beer on tap here.

Probably tastes the same.

Look, does anybody remember anything?

Did we meet her?

Can you remember how she got here?

Dead, on my father's table, in my pub?

Yes, haha.

Hey man, it's your pub.

You're liable for this.

So, all right, I'm getting out of here.

Yeah but what about the dog?

Barkshire's a big county.

Actually, it's the 10th safest and smallest county.

[Frankie] It's safe?

- Yes. - Well that's,

okay, well fine.

I'm gonna go to the...

You can't leave.

We have a dead woman here.

We need to sort this out.

Ah, probably just been roofied!

Don't worry about it.

That's something to worry about.

No no no, it happens all the time.

Honestly, one time I woke up

next to three naked men, a loaded gun,

purple crayon, and a sore throat.

But you know, once I got a conscience

and started saying no to drugs

all the endorsements started saying no to me.

Do you know you've got some red dots on your face?

No!

- Oh my God! - No, listen.

Don't worry, it's only ketchup or, a little blood.

Don't worry, it'll wipe off.

Oh my God.

These millennials are so sensitive.

- Yeah, tell me about it. - Oh oh oh, no.

Oh no, I'm a monster.

I'm a, I'm a brutish, ugly, normal person.

That's what I am.

Now, um, Frankie, isn't it?

If it's any consolation,

we're all of us a little bit ugly in some way or another.

Look, I think the monster might be out there.

Come eat me now, rabid dog.

Come eat me now.

Oh, just, would you just calm down, Frankie?

It's not going to happen to us.

We just need to do something.

Oh, police.

We'll call the police.

Oh no, no.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I, I suggest we Google it.

Google what?

How to dispose of a dead body.

Oh God.

How to dispose of her?

She's barely even cold.

Oh God, she's actually freezing.

Wait, she just moved.

Yeah, don't be an idiot.

No no no no no, seriously,

her chest just moved.

Yeah, I think that's because Ian was touching her.

No, that's my father's curtain.

Oh great.

Oh yeah yeah, now we're tucking her in for bedtime.

What is going on?

Someone's been murdered.

We need you to call the police.

That's not a good idea.

Holy shit.

You're the murderer, aren't you?

And you're gonna kill us now, too.

I am not the murderer.

Wait, oh, well I mean, actually,

any of us can be the murderer.

You, old man Ian, you could be the murderer.

You, lady, uh, who's name I can't remember right now.

You could be the murderer.

Even I could be the murderer.

But, no, I can't be the murderer

because the prison, I can't.

I will never get a Ralph Lauren contract with prison skin.

Do they even have moisturiser in the commissary?

I don't even know.

[Frankie crying]

It's Lisa, by the way.

Okay, it's nice to meet you, Lisa.

Lisa, I couldn't help wondering,

um, you're not wearing a wedding ring.

That's what you noticed throughout all of this?

So you don't have one?

- Have what? - Husband.

Uh, I'm recently divorced.

I do have a son.

Ah yes, no I've got to carry on my lineage, too.

Yes, that's not really why I have a.

Perhaps you'd like to come for a drink

after all this blows over.

What, you mean after all the dead woman stuff blows over?

Yeah.

This is too painful.

I'm calling the police.

Uh, it won't work.

What's the point in it then?

Ambience.

What are we gonna do about the woman?

Ah.

What about her?

How do we explain it to them?

The dog got her.

But does anyone remember us seeing the dog?

No no, I.

Does anybody remember anything?

I don't remember seeing anything at all.

Exactly, we'll just make something up.

The police will know if we're lying.

We can't knock the intelligence of the police.

[Sergeant Bobby] Hello, hello, hello.

Sergeant Bobby speaking.

You're friendly neighbourhood policeman.

Unfortunately we can't come to the phone right now,

but we would appreciate it

if you could leave a brief explanation of your emergency

and we will aim to get back to you just as soon as we can.

I got their voicemail.

Hi, it's Frankie James of Burberry, for Burberry.

Soon to be Ralph Lauren though.

We're actually at, what's the name of the pub?

Oh, Ian's Pub is fine.

What's the name of the pub?

The Woman's Head.

What's the name?

The Woman's Head.

What do you mean?

What's going on with the woman's head?

What?

No, The Woman's Head.

The name of the pub is The Woman's Head!

At The Woman's Head.

And someone's been murdered.

Killed by a rabid dog,

you must send backup immediately, please.

Please send backup as soon as possible.

And The Woman's Head is fine.

So, the police aren't in.

The dog knows we're here.

It can smell us.

And it will come back for us.

I vote Ian.

You got to go.

We need to build a barricade.

There, I agree with Lisa.

Well I vote we get as far away from here as possible,

but sure, let's lock ourselves in like sitting ducks.

Well actually, ducks are far more agile

than most people seem to imagine.

Are you sure you're not the murderer, Ian?

I am most definitely not the murderer.

[Lisa sighs]

Come on then, furniture museum, come and help.

My my, my father um, built that table.

Please be careful with my father's furniture.

- Frankie. - I was just trying

to help with this terrible plan.

Oh my God.

So, lucky you.

Looks like you've got drinks after this.

Yeah, what do you think of him?

You're not seriously considering.

Have you seen that?

No, nothing like that.

Just I, I think there's something shifty going on.

Yeah, he's a wacko loner who lives in an abandoned pub.

Raised by a father who apparently built this floorboard.

[Lisa laughs]

My, my grandfather built this chair.

Oh, my father built this handle.

My father built this candlestick.

[Frankie talking gibberish]

Actually, uh, he did build that candlestick holder.

Yes, thank you.

In fact, my father built this whole pub.

It is a good pub.

Sturdy.

Yes, very sturdy.

What wood is it?

Uh, oak?

My father would never make a pub out of oak.

No, that's enough.

Right.

Now what?

Well that's it.

We've barricaded the pub.

Nothing can get in.

Or out.

There's always the windows.

[windows thudding]

Oh my God!

Just, I just saw something.

It was big and black and moving fast.

- Where? - Just through the window.

It was growling.

As if it wanted to eat us.

Right.

Uh, I agree with Lisa.

It was a dog.

Oh this is ridiculous.

See, nothing.

[Frankie screams]

Oh God!

Okay, yeah.

Well, at least this is a better way to die.

A better way?

Better way than what?

It's just better.

Than what?

Well, I never thought that I'd be hunted by a wild animal.

That's why I never left Barkshire.

Oh my god, you've never left the county?

My father said it was the most terrifying thing

being hunted by a wild animal.

I find Barkshire just the right side of wild for me.

You've never been to the city.

It makes sense, to be honest.

Do you think,

the dead body smell is attracting it?

I agree with Lisa.

You have to stop agreeing with me.

Maybe we should move her.

To where?

I have an ice cream freezer.

Will she fit?

She's quite long.

You mean tall.

No, I've only seen her horizontally, so I mean long.

I've haven't had long is such a while.

I've got ice cream in there.

One,

two,

three.

[all grunting]

She's heavy.

Yeah, well rigour mortis has set in.

She won't fit in if she can't bend.

And that is if we could lift her.

Which we can't because you're weak as fuck, Ian.

Yeah, just forget it.

[Bartholomew] You're weak, little boy.

You useless swine.

You fucking...

I'm trying!

What?

It's your birthday.

Nope.

Miracle cure says it is.

Well, so it's my birthday.

What's it matter?

It does matter, actually.

It means that your cells are ever decaying.

Ever producing harmful toxins.

You're body is growing too much.

Shut up.

Yeah don't believe a word he says, Lisa.

I think you're as beautiful as the day you were born.

That's a weird thing to say.

Why?

It's a compliment.

It implies you were there on the day she was born,

and if that's true than this is really...

Oh come on, how could we be?

Lisa and I are the same age.

That's not a compliment.

I can't believe I'm spending my birthday

with two random, potentially murdering morons.

I'm not a murderer.

And, and Crispin hasn't even called.

Who's Crispin?

Keep it in your pants, Ian.

Crispin's my son.

Shoot.

I've got just the fix for you.

Come on, Fluffy!

My name's Frankie.

I thought you said you had a cake.

It's a flan.

I can see it's a flan.

- Flan. - Flan.

- Flan. - Flan.

Flan.

Who serves flan for a birthday?

Well, I didn't have much pre-warning on this.

- Yo. - Oh!

[Lisa Voiceover] You're in a mess, aren't you?

- Hey. - Oh!

Holy shit, you made me jump.

Who are you?

I'm not too sure about all this.

? 'Cause she's a jolly good fellow ?

? For she's a jolly good fellow ?

[Ian] Wait, where is she?

[Frankie] Oh great, we're singing "Happy Birthday"

to a dead woman.

That's not ironic at all.

[Ian] Why is that, not ironic?

[Frankie] It is ironic.

[Ian] Well yes, I know it's ironic.

[Frankie] I was being sarcastic.

[Ian] You just said it was ironic.

[Frankie] Oh for.

Lisa, where the hell are you?

Uh, I'm in here.

[Ian] Oh.

? For she's a jolly good fellow ?

? For she's a jolly good fellow ?

? For she's a jolly good fellow ?

? And so say all of us ?

Congratulations, you're two years old.

Actually, a health inspector wouldn't want us

to have it in the bar.

We'd better have this in the restaurant.

[Frankie sneezes]

? For she's a jolly good fellow ?

? For she's a jolly good fellow ?

? For she's a jolly good fellow ?

? And so say all of us ?

[Frankie] That was mental.

Right, I'll cut the flan.

No, I think Lisa should cut the flan

as it is her birthday.

No, it's a very sharp knife.

You just don't want to give us the sharp knife, do you?

My knife isn't it?

My father, no, he didn't actually make this.

- But he... - You sound more and more

like a murderer every day, Ian.

It's okay.

Ian can cut the flan.

I'm not, I'm not a murderer.

Yeah, well I'm not a murderer either.

[men grunting]

[flan splattering]

Oh shit.

Way to flan, Ian.

We need to clean that up.

Why?

She's already dead.

Because if they do a coroner report and find flan on her,

they're going to wonder how it got there.

It's not exactly like flan was the murder weapon, is it?

Oh, great.

Shall we just add tampering with the body

to the list then now then, shall we?

[News Anchor] And three more reports of vicious animals

in the last three hours have been reported.

We advise all locals to lock their doors,

to cover up any smells or meat

which might attract the animal,

and to, most importantly, stay in...

Frankie!

We're going about this all wrong.

Well thank goodness you said it,

because who serves flan at a birthday?

We shouldn't be defending for the beast.

We should be attacking it.

Ian, where's your father's rifle?

Whoa, what rifle?

The one of the portrait of Bartholomew III.

Which makes you the fourth.

[Lisa Voiceover] Geez, looks at this one's drother.

[Frankie Voiceover] Yeah, dude's got some style.

I remember that.

It's hanging on a wall in the guest bedroom.

For ambience.

But Ian Bartholomew IV, that's a savage name, bro.

Do you get bullied.

It was my father's name.

What's your name.

Ian, just Ian.

Are there bullets for the rifle, Ian?

Yes.

Perfect!

Let's shoot this dog in the face

and get the hell back to the city.

How do we get to the bedroom, Ian?

Out there.

Well, we better look for some weapons in here then.

[metal clanging]

Yes!

So uh, Lisa.

- Oh hello. - Hi.

Are you from around here?

Uh, no, not really.

I'm South London based.

Oh, in a clinic.

How do you know that?

I think you said you were a doctor.

Don't remember telling you that.

Your son, how old is he?

Oh, too old to bother about me anymore.

I need a son.

You need a son?

Can you still have children?

Whoa!

Just that, you know, your age,

and everything really.

I know how old I am, Ian.

And thank you for reducing my worth to a uterus.

No, that's not what I meant.

But you, my father, he's most insistent.

The line must go on.

My father was...

Frankie, what about this?

We could strangle the beast.

Oh yeah, check out this bad boy.

Think of the damage I could do with this.

Yeah.

We're gonna need that gun.

Oh no.

You see, look.

It hasn't been fired for 20 years

and even then it was a bad shot.

How do we get to the bedrooms?

Well, doesn't the kitchen connect?

Oh yes, to the yard.

But that, that door hasn't been opened for 22 years.

Why not?

Oh, my father,

shot it with a rifle and,

it hasn't budged since.

Why don't we just break down the door then?

My father built that door!

[Lisa sighs]

I think Ian should go.

He's the only one who knows the floor plan.

[Ian blows dust]

There we go, anyway, look.

Now we all know the floor plan.

Well, I'm not architect but it looks simple enough.

I think you'd make an amazing architect.

Oh.

Right, I'll go.

Okay.

No!

No, no let him go.

He's the youngest, he's the fittest.

I would go but I'm afraid my knees would cave in.

Uh, it's three metres across.

Yes, I know, but I'm not allowed to run.

Look, we'll both go.

Ian, you stay and look after the body.

Yeah, stay and make sure the dead body

doesn't wander off while we risk our lives for you.

I know, but I'm not allowed.

You don't have to do everything a doctor says, you know?

Yes you do.

WebMD knows just as much as a real doctor.

Oh God, I hate your generation.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

Stay here, let the boy look after himself.

I, I better go with him.

He might accidentally

shoot himself in the foot or something.

- Just. - Oh.

Be careful.

Weird.

There's barricade has been useful so far.

Limber?

Loose as a lemon.

I like your hair.

Where did that come from?

Looks good.

Much better than it did before.

It's weird.

It's like you're glowing.

Thank you.

I think it's all clear.

Yes, it looks good to me.

Oh, hang on.

[metal clanging]

Could have used that.

I was just checking to see if it's still out there.

[Frankie] Right.

It looks like it's all clear.

Ready?

To be mauled by a rabid dog?

No.

Shit, oh God.

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!

[plastic crinkling]

Shit, oh.

Did you hear that?

I did, open the door!

Turn it clockwise!

[plastic crinkling]

[chips crunching]

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

You could jiggle it.

Just jiggle it a little, could ya.

Open it!

[plastic crinkling]

Damn blood gets in everywhere.

Lisa.

Lisa.

Lis,

Lisa.

Lisa, would you like to go out on a date with me?

Lisa, would...

You get off me.

'Cause you opened the door just in time.

I didn't even want to try the anti-clockwise move.

Bloody call that a move.

Oh God, I've been so close to death.

I never really knew what it actually felt like.

It's strange, but I've never felt more alive.

I have.

In Paris for fashion week.

The catwalk.

I was majestic.

Perfect and cat like.

I'm not scared anymore.

I am.

Tis been a long time since I've been out

on a first date, Lisa.

No, it's true.

I'm not scared of death.

I just want to live.

[Frankie grunting]

Oh God.

Oh, your skin.

It's just, it's glowing.

Oh!

I've always wanted a family.

Wife, children.

Frankie wasn't quite what I expected,

but I'm sure I dare say we could whip him into shape.

[Ian laughs]

Good evening, sir.

Would you like anything to drink?

Oh hello, yes.

Well, well we'll have the red, thank you.

That's a very wise choice.

Could I say, what a lovely pair.

Couple, what a lovely couple you make.

Oi, check out the couple over there.

That dude doesn't know what he's doing.

[Ian cries]

Voices.

So.

What a loser.

Oi, oi, oi,

he's an absolute spunk bubbling...

Little red for you, sir.

[Ian gasps]

Oh uh, no, thank you very much.

We've decided to stay with the white.

[both panting]

- Now quick, hurry. - Oh.

[Lisa moaning]

Oh yeah, oh yeah!

Oh, oh!

Oh my, shitting, God!

You, oh, no, oh, woo!

It's, like, a ride!

[Lisa screaming]

That's it!

[Lisa screaming]

Lisa, yes!

[Lisa panting]

Lisa.

[Lisa panting]

Yeah, I didn't feel it.

I did.

Oh God, for the first time in years.

Oh, look, I found it!

I beg to differ, I found it first.

Oh, the gun.

I think it's loaded.

[Frankie screams]

[Lisa screams]

What?

Oh, don't worry darling, it's probably,

just somebody with a gun.

[Ian laughs]

It shot me.

No, you shot you.

Oh God.

I want to go home.

I want to do some modelling for Ralph Lauren or Burberry.

I don't really mind which one.

Why are we here?

Yeah, why are you here?

Why are any of us here?

Because the woman said she'd help clear my skin.

What is the matter with your skin?

I can't see anything.

There's nothing there.

No, I've tried everything and it won't go away.

I swear it's the reason

why I'm not getting more modelling jobs.

I'm scarred!

I can't see anything.

[Frankie crying]

I'm gonna die.

No, you'll be fine.

It's just a foot wound.

The bullet's lodged in one of the metatarsals

so it's stopping the bleeding.

You just need to keep your shoe on

and keep the weight off of it.

How do you know that?

'Cause I'm a doctor.

Are you a dermatologist?

Nope.

Oh!

So what'd this cure for you?

Um, well you know, just a birthday in a pub.

Come on.

Let's check to see if Ian hasn't murdered anyone else.

I'm not gonna go out there.

I'll just be bait!

Neither of us have to be bait.

We'll just cut the journey in half

and go through the kitchen.

Oh what?

Through the door that hasn't been opened in 22 years?

[Ian laughing]

So that's, that's when my father turned around

and shot the turtle in the head!

[Ian laughs]

Oh, uh yeah.

No, that poor little devil.

I had to bury him out in the back, actually.

Not my father, the turtle.

You know, he's buried in the...

Ian!

So tell me, do you like jokes?

No, I do, I do too.

I love them, I love them.

- Ian! - Anyway.

- You tell one. - Ian!

- Ian! - Ian!

- Ian! - Ian!

- Ian, Ian! - Ian, Ian!

Uh, hello?

- Ian! - Ian!

Stand back!

From where?

[Both] The door!

Oh!

[Ian whimpering]

[Ian gasps]

Oh my God.

You ruined my father's door.

Do you have any bullets?

Uh, two I think.

Great, where are they?

No, one now.

You've shot that up.

Ugh, you mean zero.

Did you shoot Frankie in the foot?

You've got a loaded rifle in the guest bedroom.

Well father never saw the point of an unloaded gun.

How about safety?

Not only loaded,

but with the last two bullets you have for it!

No!

[Lisa] What are you doing?

I don't like guns.

You're the one who owns a gun.

It was my father's!

I'm not allowed to touch it!

[Lisa] Oh, for God's sake.

Oh Lisa.

[Lisa shushing]

Lisa, Lisa, where are you going?

Ah.

[Ian clears his throat]

What the hell is going on in here?

I can explain, Lisa.

This is some Bates Motel kind of shit.

Where's Bates Motel?

I thought I knew all the competition around here.

Lisa, this was just for practise.

No, I think this is actually called necrophilia.

No, I would not do anything without anyone's consent.

Wait, wait do you need consent from a dead woman?

That seems like a grey area with me, too.

[Ian grunting]

[Ian crying]

I didn't do anything.

[Lisa gasps]

It was you.

He did?

He.

He did what?

He.

Did what?

[Lisa] He.

He did what?

He did what?

I think I ate her.

[Lisa whimpers]

Oh, you did what?

Don't worry, I didn't hurt anyone.

How do you work that one out?

You don't, you eat someone,

you killed them, you hurt them.

But I didn't kill anyone.

I don't remember doing that.

Ha!

You do remember something!

Not really, just flashes, that's all.

You were the one who roofied us.

I knew it!

No, Lisa, Lisa, I didn't kill this woman.

You have to believe me.

Please.

Who are you?

I, I'm, you know.

I'm Ian, I'm Ian!

I run a pub in Barkshire, you know.

I didn't roofie anyone.

I certainly didn't kill anybody.

I wouldn't, I would never.

Especially you two, why would you?

Lisa, please believe me.

I didn't kill anyone.

Tell the truth!

Or I will shoot you.

In the foot.

Yeah, that really hurts.

You're out of bullets.

All right.

Lisa, Lisa, please believe me.

I did not kill this woman.

Frankie, tie him up.

With what?

I don't know.

Oh, that chord from the telephone!

Couldn't you tie me up, Lisa?

- No. - I'll let you.

There.

Why did you kill her?

I didn't!

All right, why did you eat her?

I, I don't know.

But, oh.

But what?

But,

tasted amazing.

[Frankie gags]

I have heard that, actually.

[Frankie] From what?

[Lisa] Well you know, like blogs and stuff.

[Frankie] Oh, you need to change your blogging habits.

[Ian] No it's true.

It tastes like nothing you've ever imagined.

[Frankie] Oh, just shoot him, please.

Just shoot him.

But I'm not a murderer.

[Ian] Well, you're out of bullets, too.

[Lisa] Oh what, is that a threat then, is it?

You sick fuck.

Well, it was ridged.

Little laces of fat.

[Frankie] This is ridiculous.

[Lisa] What?

[Ian slurping]

Look, just shoot him.

We can scarp her.

Go back to the city.

Get the hell out of here, okay?

I'm done being here.

I want to go home.

Lisa, just, just shoot him.

No, Frankie.

I'm not a murderer.

If anything, we should wait for the police

to come around and arrest him.

We can't just run away, Frankie.

[Frankie] Why not?

I've been shot.

He's clearly not right in the head.

And we have a dead body lying down in front of us.

Let's just get the hell out of here!

[Lisa] I said no, Frankie.

We've got to wait for the police.

We can't just leave a dead body lying here!

Hi there.

[all screaming]

Wow, what a reception.

Thanks very much.

So, did it work?

Did what work?

Oh come on Lisa, you most of all.

Are you cured?

How do you know about?

Oh it worked.

I knew it would work, it had to work.

I just, you know, had to be sure.

You're alive.

Of course I am, Ian.

Actually, you kind of grazed me.

I thought you'd take more, to be honest.

Hey, what about Frankie?

He looked ready for a feast when I went out.

Oh, thanks for the anaesthetic, by the way.

Frankie!

Shit.

Frankie come out, show that unblemished face of yours.

[Frankie] Shit.

We can hear you, darling.

Hi, Frankie.

Uh, hi.

I'm sorry, what's your name, again?

Oh, oh yeah.

We did think there'd be some memory loss, didn't we Lisa?

Um, I'm Eve, remember?

No.

Hm.

So, Lisa, tell me.

How do you feel?

What happened?

I mean, how did we get here?

And what did Ian do to you?

Yeah Ian, what did you do to me?

I ate you.

Exactly.

How do I taste?

I'm so sorry.

I hope I didn't hurt you.

No, I've never felt better.

You, you were dead.

You know, we went on a date.

Hm.

Are most of your dates dead?

Well.

Well, I guess the memory loss

was a bit more sever than we expected.

How are you alive?

We, we thought you'd been ravaged by a wild dog

or murdered by the loony.

No no, Lisa.

I'm not the murderer.

No objection to being called a loony, though.

Well I guess you could say

I've been ravaged by three wild dogs.

There's three of them.

[Eve sighs]

So,

are you really gonna make me ask?

Are you gonna tell me how I tasted, or not?

I, uh what tasted?

Her flesh.

Uh.

Pork.

No.

Not you.

Tasted like pork.

Lisa, not you.

Oh come on, Frankie.

It's not like she stabbed me in the back.

Just the leg.

[Frankie coughing]

The fuck is this?

So um, I wonder would you stay

and help clean up the blood?

I do have a health inspection coming up soon.

Holy shit.

It's gone!

Is this flan?

Uh, so you see, Lisa.

She's not dead, very much alive.

So there's no harm done.

No, none at all.

Didn't it hurt?

Oh, no I've got hyperalgesia.

Oh that's why.

Wait wait wait, why what?

What's hypoalgie?

Hypoalgesia.

She has an immunity to pain.

Or at least a decreased sensitivity to it.

Oh, so cool.

Actually no, it's really quite dangerous.

You know you're not impervious to injury or death.

I'm really glad I fixed you up.

Yeah.

So, Frankie.

How you doing?

I'm utterly disgusted with myself.

But also, skin's clear, eczema's gone, all cured.

That means you are too.

But, how are you okay with us just eating you?

Well, I asked you to.

Oh, right.

I know, but why?

You all just seemed so hopeless.

- Oh, come on. - I'm famous.

Yes, it's true.

Look, I help people, okay.

It's what I do.

I learned about it on my travels

to Mount Kiniwawatindunivankula.

Whoa.

It's near Fiji.

Oh, you see, I don't believe in Chinese medicine.

I'm a doctor, a real doctor.

I mean it's held as like and ancient miracle cure,

but it's rarely practised anymore.

But it's exactly what you all needed.

Well, you two anyway.

Hey Lisa, do you think after this

you could bandage up my foot

seeing as I don't have hypoasia?

It's hypo,

you know what, it doesn't matter.

So, seeing as the miracle cure worked

so well for all of you, I think it's my turn.

[Lisa laughs]

Your turn for what?

Well, you didn't think I wouldn't want to try it myself?

- Uh. - Sorry, I don't know what...

Okay listen, eating someone else is one thing,

but eating yourself, that's, ugh.

No Frankie,

I don't think that's what she's talking about.

Whoa!

Shit.

Well I mean, I would have preferred a more tender meat,

but as always, survival of the fittest.

[trigger clicks]

No bullets.

[Ian screams]

Did she get Ian?

Oh God, I hope so.

Frankie.

Just because then she wouldn't eat us, would she?

It's not like you like the guy.

But he's no worse than us.

Oh, don't feel good for blaming him.

Anyone would.

He's just the perfect murderer stereotype.

Well, what's the perfect cannibal stereotype?

I don't know.

Is there a perfect cannibal stereotype?

Uh, a psychotic, highly civilised doctor.

[gun thudding]

Ow!

Oh, thank God I don't have a PhD.

I'll beg to differ.

[gun thudding]

Excuse me.

Would you mind letting me in, please?

Oh yes we would, thank you very much.

No, I don't like urinals.

I prefer the privacy of a stall.

This leads outside.

That's where a rabid dog is waiting for us.

Well.

[Frankie] Screw it!

I'm so sorry, father.

I'm so sorry, father.

I'm so sorry, father.

I'm so sorry, father.

I will not run.

I will not touch your gun.

I will not touch your gun.

I will not run.

I will not touch your gun.

I will not touch your gun.

I will not run!

Oh God.

Oh God.

Oh God.

Oh, I'm sorry, Frankie.

I'm sorry, Lisa.

I'm sorry, Frankie.

I'm sorry, Lisa.

Wait wait wait, where are your car keys?

Oh, I left them in the restaurant.

Brilliant.

Oh!

If we go around we can go through

the back door and get them.

She's still in the bathroom, probably.

Probably?

I like those odds.

Wait!

Wait up, I'm shot in the foot.

I know.

Why is he waving?

[bullets rattling]

Come on.

Ian!

Ian.

Ian.

No.

[Eve sighs]

Hm.

[both panting]

So do you want to um?

What?

We're about to die.

My point exactly.

At least your eczema's cleared up.

Wait wait, you don't have blue hair anymore.

No.

You're bald.

Well I, I've got cancer.

Oh, that's why you're doing this.

Yeah, I don't have much time left,

so I though what have I got to lose.

Yeah, no, I get it.

I'm going through exactly the same thing.

You had eczema.

Oh, okay, and that's not important to you?

The end of my livelihood?

My career, my friendships, my access to free clothes?

Just because you didn't get eczema,

doesn't mean it's not life of death for me.

You've got great skin, Frankie.

It's a shame everyone hasn't got skin like you.

[Bartholomew Voiceover] Loner, no wife,

no son, my image ruined.

I'm sorry father.

[Bartholomew Voiceover] You inconsiderate little shit.

Stupid boy!

You're weak, get out of here, at once.

Do you feel that yet, do you?

You fucking shit, stupid shit!

No!

I'm not sorry, father!

[gun cocking]

I need to help my friends.

Ian!

Lisa!

Frankie!

Come out to play!

Hey, do you reckon a dog got her?

I don't know, I haven't heard anything.

It's got to be morning now though, right?

Maybe she's gone after Ian.

Ooh.

Hm.

Guys!

Where are you?

I'm hungry!

Let's go.

Hello, food.

[Lisa gasps]

[Lisa] Oh God.

Oh, that's not even sharp, it's for flan.

[Lisa gasps]

Oh, nice shot, Ian.

Shoot her!

Ian!

Shoot her.

Yeah Ian, shoot me.

What, what do you want?

I want to eat you, I already told you that.

I'm gonna kill you, dice you up into tiny pieces,

put you in the freezer, and eat you every day for breakfast.

God, what is wrong with you.

Yeah, sure, there must be something wrong.

[Eve grunts]

What did you want to cure?

I don't...

Pain!

I want to feel pain.

Why, why do you want to feel that?

You've hit the jackpot by not feeling it.

You don't know what it's like.

What, you think I'm lucky

'cause I have to set an alarm every day

to remind myself to go to the toilet?

You think I'm lucky that my father made a game

of seeing how many bones he could break

before I couldn't walk anymore?

You think I'm lucky that my friends

threw me off a bridge just to see what would happen?

[Frankie] Wow.

But you think I'm lucky that I get to be

a guinea pig to human curiosity?

I may not be able to feel pain

but it doesn't mean I can't be broken.

No, I've never been the lucky one.

You're lucky!

To feel!

I want to feel!

I just want to feel something!

No, you don't have to feel pain, Eve.

I mean you weren't treated right,

but that doesn't mean that you have to feel pain as well.

You just don't get it.

Pain is a blessing.

I thought my father cared for me as he broke my bones.

I thought my friends liked me as they threw me off a bridge.

I thought the world loved me

as it cut me open to look inside.

I just want to feel their pain.

Eve, Eve,

you don't need pain to know

that your father didn't treat you right.

And what my father did to me wasn't right as well.

We don't need pain to tell us

that we were raised by evil men.

But that also doesn't mean that we have to be evil either.

If I'm evil,

then so are you, Ian.

So are all of you. [Ian crying]

[Frankie] Oh, fuck.

You shot me.

Oh oh, it was an accident.

Ian!

I'm sorry, the gun is old.

It just, it just went off.

[Frankie] I mean, he's not wrong.

Still can't feel anything.

[Lisa] No, but you're gonna bleed out, so.

Oh yeah.

That sucks.

Ian, water, bandages, now.

It's a shame that I still can't feel any pain.

Even though I've been shot.

I wish I could.

You know, the guys at Mount Kiniwawatindunivankula

would love to hear this story.

But, I guess,

well, at least my life wasn't a complete waste.

I got to cure all of you.

Just remember, there's nothing wrong

with being a little bit weird.

Like a rabbi in a pub.

Uh, not quite what I meant, but okay.

[Ian] What, what you doing?

[Frankie gags]

[Lisa crying]

Ow!

[Eve grunts]

[Eve crying]

I feel, pain.

Is she okay.

No, she's dead.

Yeah, she's dead.

I didn't kill her.

It was an accident.

You know what, Lisa, I agree with him on this one.

What, how do we know?

He was the only one that didn't need any curing.

Wanted to know what it tasted like.

So you accepted

a strange woman's request to eat her flesh?

Well I was curious.

I like meat, sue me.

Look, I'm not condoning the behaviour,

but he hasn't done anything that we haven't done.

Well he shot Eve.

That gun is incredibly unpredictable.

We need to call the police.

They're not in.

Well, a woman's been murdered.

Accidentally killed.

In self defence, you know.

She had surrendered, technically,

but she also shot at us,

attacked you with a flan knife,

strangled you, do you know what I mean?

She wasn't innocent.

Yeah, either way, we should report it.

But we ate her.

Yeah, I suppose.

Those two are two separate events, so.

I, I don't think the police are gonna care.

We have a dead woman and pieces of her flesh inside of us.

I think this will pass as guilty.

Actually, I don't think cannibalism itself

is technically illegal in Barkshire.

Why do you know that?

You see, it's the murdering of the person

before you eat them, that's the technically illegal part.

Yeah, I don't think that's gonna hold up in court.

I don't think there's anything wrong

with cannibalism per se.

Yeah, the jury aren't gonna like you very much, Ian.

Look, what are we gonna do with Eve?

She's getting blood all over my table.

Priorities, Ian.

Unless it is your father's table.

Not anymore.

It's my table now.

Don't apologise, Ian.

You know, you're not so bad.

I vote we bury her.

God, my life was so much simpler 24 hours ago.

It was just a divorce, a custody battle and some cancer.

Now it's just this giant mess.

Yes, but now you're cured.

You have a long, healthy life

of which to deal with this giant mess.

So, have you got a spade?

Somewhere.

We better hurry up.

Yeah, I'm not keen on the return of that dog.

Hair of the dog.

I've never gone for that.

Hair for a drink, disgusting.

Human flesh is more acceptable?

You should really go inside

if you're frightened of the dog.

No I.

Lisa, I'm sorry.

What for?

I, for making you feel uncomfortable.

I don't have very much experience around women.

Look, Ian, you're a good guy.

You know, cannibalism and accidental murder aside,

but I don't think this is really gonna work out, I'm sorry.

I can introduce you to my friend, Mary, though.

She's quite desperate as well.

Well thank you.

- No. - Do you know what?

I think I'm going to be okay.

It was my father that wanted me to carry on

the line of the Bartholomew's.

I've never really been a kid person to be honest.

Yeah, not everyone

should carry on a lineage Ian, believe me.

Okay.

What do you think of this, will this work?

God, you better help him.

He's not gonna be able to do this on his own.

Lisa, thank you.

I think I might finally be cured of my father's voice.

Maybe it was a miracle cure after all.

It's, it's!

[Lisa screams]

It's a cat.

I can't believe we were scared of a cat.

It's like there's no dog.

No, there must be.

Radio people know what they're talking about.

Well I feel stupid.

I don't, I hate cats.

So what we gonna do about the body then?

I mean, it's a kind of a waste, isn't it?

Well she's dead already.

Cancer can come back.

But you're cured.

Yeah, but it might not have got rid of all the cancer.

What about your eczema?

What about your voices, Ian?

- Okay, feast. - I'll get her.

[News Anchor] And in other local news,

it turns out there isn't a wild dog at all.

Just some kid doing howl noises around the village.

His parents have cautioned him

and sent him to bed without dinner.

[Ian grunting]

There we are, that'll keep.

I'll cook her any way you want her.

[Man] Hello, health inspector.

What?

No.

It'll be fine, I'll be fine.

There's a dead body in the freezer.

There's a rifle out there somewhere!

There's blood everywhere.

It could be animal blood.

No, no.

That's a health violation.

They will close down my pub.

Oh perspective Ian, we could go to jail.

What do you suggest then?

We're cannibals, Ian, not murderers.

No, I'm pretty sure that cannibalism isn't legal

in the county of Barkshire, and it is a health violation.

I knew it.

[Man] Oh perfect.

Another growl for us.

[Frankie growling]

[man speaking indistinctly]

Again.

[Frankie growling]

Am I looking past the camera or at the camera.

[Man] You're looking past the camera.

[Frankie growling]

[Frankie barks]

Meow.

[man speaking indistinctly]

Two seconds.

Oh, uh, sorry I have to go.

But I'll be, I've got a family emergency.

But I'll be back.

[Man] Okay.

[Lisa typing]

[Lisa sighs]

Ha!

I feel grateful for the old Bart.

I like your hair.

Oh thanks, I grew it myself.

Your skin looks flawless.

Thank you.

Made it into a cream.

it's to die for, literally.

Look.

Starting shipping next week.

Hey, I heard you turned Ralph down.

I had to, the skin industry needed me, you know.

But they're still courting me.

Sending me Polo shirts all day, every day.

Wow, Polo shirts and beauty cream,

you're living the dream.

I saw that you cured cancer.

Well.

Yeah, you were on this morning.

Phil was totally flirting with you, by the way.

Oh, he's lovely.

He's a little too old for you.

Well, we're the same age.

Exactly.

Ian!

- Ah! - Oh.

What?

[Ian laughs]

Hello!

- Hello. - Hi.

Ian, love the painting, man.

Thank you.

See, I hope your urgency

wasn't just to get us down here for a pint, Ian.

Oh no, I need to show you something.

Oh.

Is it a small protrudance beneath your bedding,

because Lisa's busy with Phil.

Oh, Frankie, come on now, this is serious.

Who's Phil?

Well he's just the,

you know what, it doesn't matter.

What's going on?

Mm, let me show you.

Come on, come with me, come on.

Well what are we gonna do now?

[Sergeant Bobby] Hello, hello, hello.

This is Sergeant Bobby responding to

your distress voicemail from a few months ago.

I apologise, I came as quick as I could.

Is that right?

No, what do I say?

- What about the movie? - See the dog.

Did anyone actually see the dog?

- Oh sorry. - No no no no.

You say, what about the woman.

What about her?

What about the woman?

[Frankie] What about her?

[Lisa] Well we can't just leave her here.

No, we can't tell them about her.

[Frankie laughs]

We can't hurt her.

We'll do it again.

And we get as far away from here as possible.

But no, sure, let's barricade ourselves

and sit here like sitting, sitting sit sits.

No, actually it's the tenth smallest cunt.

County, whoopsy, whoopsy.

[both laughing]

Let's do that bit again 'cause it was very good.

Ready.

[Ian panting]

[Frankie claps]

[Director] Do you think that's a good idea?

Oh no, I don't think it'll work.

Ready, go ahead, go ahead.

You don't have one?

Have what?

Husband?

Uh, I'm recently divorced, I have.

Well after all the dead woman stuff, boil, brought.

What if we don't.

What is it?

[Director] The police will know we're lying.

We can't knock the intelligence of the police.

That's it.

The police will know we're lying.

You can't knock the intelligence of the police.

No no!

You said it too early.

[people laughing]

Something about a dog.

No, I come in and I go.

Pick it up, and you go, what about her?

What about?

Hang on, what about her?

And then.

How do we explain it to her?

The dog bit her.

And then you say, has anyone seen the dog?

The dog.

I said, does anyone really remember anything, yeah.

And you have to write a flashback.

I don't remember everything.

- Let's do it again. - Yeah.

Can't let, the police will believe that lie.

[Lisa laughs]

Sorry.

You can't, what is it?

The police will know if we're lying.

They're intelligent.

We'll just make something up, exactly.

We can't lie to the police.

The po...

[Lisa laughs]

Fuck off with this line!

I've dialled seven nines.

Sorry. [people laughing]

Okay look, we'll just make it up.

Exactly, we'll just make it up.

We can't lie to the police.

No.

[Director] The police will know.

The police will know if we're lying.

I can't wait for the bloopers of this.

Go on, sorry.

The punch is that the police is supposed to be smart.

Sure you're not the murderer, Ian?

[phone ringing]

I am absolutely not the murderer.

[Lisa laughs]

Her phone's ringing.

[Frankie fake screams]

[Director] And action.

And.

Oh well, he didn't like this.

[Frankie] You sound more and more

like a murderer each day, Ian.

[people laughing]

Stop looking at me.

[Ian] I say go, now ready?

[Woman] Yes.

[Director] And cut.

[people laughing]

[Man] He just came from a walk.

[Man] I just came from my walk.

[Lisa] Should I give you other?

Yeah, please do.

[people laughing]

There, that should work, shouldn't it?

My father built that door!

[Director] And cut.

[people laughing]

[Woman] I'm sorry.

Thanks.

[Ian blowing dust]

[people laughing]

Oh shit.

Oh God, hang on.

[phone ringing]

Hang it up, hang it up.

I'm going from.

Just pick it up and put it down.

[Director] Okay, roll.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull