All language subtitles for Three.Pints.and.a.Rabbi.2021.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-EVO-HI

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[Lisa] When I was 10,

after my mum ran off
with the paediatrician,

I killed a squirrel.

I wanted it to feel pain.

My father decided I was
going to be a murderer.

He sat me down with a
cup of tea and asked me.

I said, "No, of course not.

"I'm going to be a healer."

- Hi.
- Oh, holy shit!

You mind me jump?

Who are you?

Frankie James.

From Burberry.

Well.

I model.

I get that you're not
exactly the demographic.

Oh, no, sorry.

I'm just going to film.

Session.

Uh, nice plaster.

Oh, thank you.

They sell them in packs of 10.

Great.

Should we go in?

Uh, well it doesn't look open.

I was worried we had
the wrong address.

Oh, no look.

The Woman's Head,
Fleshmuch Lane, Barkshire.

Oh, okay.

Nice hair.

Loved the Simpsons growing up.

Yeah, it's not natural.

Nor is why we're here.

Geez, look at
this one's drother.

He's got some style.

What a way to
greet your patrons.

Bartholomew III.

Imagine being called Bart.

You made it.

I hope you're both hungry.

Oh, starved as always.

I'm on a diet.

I'm not eating any gluten,
wheat, dairy, sugar,

broccoli, anything fattening.

Okay, well, shouldn't
be fattening at all.

Hey, you got stuff, Lisa?

Yeah, it's in the car,

but I'm not too
sure about all this.

Lisa, darling, trust me.

This dinner's gonna
change your life.

Sorry, who are you?

Ian, Ian Bartholomew IV.

Hi Bart.

So what happens now?

Get the curtains.

[woman typing]

[Bartholomew Voiceover] Loner.

No wife, no son,
my lineage ruined.

You inconsiderate little shit.

Well good evening, father.

I made it just the
way you like it.

[Man] And action.

[Frankie James sighs]

Look up.

[Man] Five minutes
to the shoe, Frankie.

Also there's a meet
and greet later

with some new faces
to the agency.

Do you want me to tell
them to shove off?

No, no.

No, I'll help them out.

[woman sighs]

Oh God.

Hm, this isn't the bathroom.

Yeah well, what gave it away?

[Bartholomew Voiceover]
You're useless.

Pathetic, not even a man.

I am ashamed to call you my son.

[leaves shuffling]

Do you feel that yet, do you?

Do you, you little shit?

You useless, stupid boy.

Are you open?

Oh, yes.

Frankie James?

You're a bit of
a mess, aren't you?

[woman gasps]

Looks a bit empty to me.

My father always
wanted a meat only pub.

You know, I don't want to have

your bloody fruitarian,
vegetarian, vegan,

gluten-free riffraff
in my God damned pub.

He said they ruined everything,

including his marriage.

Hm.

[Frankie James screaming]

What are you screaming about?

I can't remember.

What was I screaming about?

[Frankie James
screaming lightly]

Oh, this might be
why I was screaming.

Oh God.

I feel like death.

Yeah, well she
looks like death.

[Lisa gasps]

Hello.

I'm Ian.

Yeah, we know, Ian.

Wait, who are you again?

I'm Lisa, and you?

I'm Frankie, Frankie
James, for Burberry.

Soon for Ralph Lauren, though.

Oh, my son loves those
Ralph Lauren polos.

Oh, I've got those
mints somewhere.

If you'd just like to hang on.

Polo shirts.

What's that boy?

It's Frankie.

Hello, I'm Ian.

Okay, fantastic.

Is anyone gonna mention
the elephant in the room?

Oh, I'm so sorry, yes.

No, I'll take it down
to if it offends you.

My, my father murdered
it in Cambodia.

No, I think Mr Frankie James

meant the dead woman over here.

Oh.

Oh no, that's not good.

I've got a health
inspector due here.

I think we have more pressing
concerns right now, Bart.

Don't call me Bart, please.

I'm sorry, it's a
slip of the tongue.

It's Ian.

Okay, sorry, old man.

Not so much of the old please.

I am never gonna get that old.

Yeah well, it happens
to the best of us.

And to the worst of us.

Who is she?

I don't know.

I remember drinking
lots of beer.

Yeah, me too.

She's bleeding
into the mahogany.

Yeah, well I doubt the
health inspector has a CSI kit.

My father made that table.

I've seen bad tables.

You can't say that.

Well, you've
clearly never been

to the [indistinct]
Museum of Furniture.

Who has?

You can't say that about
my father's furniture.

Did we do coke?

Is that what's
happened to my mind?

I wouldn't touch that stuff.

I mean, I can't.

Why is she bleeding?

Because she's
got holes in her.

- Mm.
- Oh God.

Perhaps somebody
should have a look.

I can't, not me.

I'm a haemophiliac, means
I've got a fear of blood.

No that's.

Old man Ian, you're up bud.

You're a hemophobic.

No I'm not.

I don't care about a
person's sexuality.

Wow.

She's been attacked.

By what?

Uh, listen, I know
I'm an industry,

but I'm never touching
this, just saying.

No, no, no.

These are bite marks.

[News Anchor] And in
other coincidental news,

a big black rabid
dog has been heard

around the outskirts
of Barkshire.

And we ask anyone who may
know of its whereabouts

to call our station on 0784...

Whoa!

What's that phone number?

That hobbledy-hoy cut if off.

Hobbledy?

Listen, it was hurting my ears.

My senses are very
sensitive right now.

Are either of you Bear
Grylls by any chance?

No, but I did drink
my own urine one.

They told me it might work.

Oh God, no, no.

You don't want to drink urine.

I've got some lovely
beer on tap here.

Probably tastes the same.

Look, does anybody
remember anything?

Did we meet her?

Can you remember
how she got here?

Dead, on my father's
table, in my pub?

Yes, haha.

Hey man, it's your pub.

You're liable for this.

So, all right, I'm
getting out of here.

Yeah but what about the dog?

Barkshire's a big county.

Actually, it's the 10th
safest and smallest county.

[Frankie] It's safe?

- Yes.
- Well that's,

okay, well fine.

I'm gonna go to the...

You can't leave.

We have a dead woman here.

We need to sort this out.

Ah, probably
just been roofied!

Don't worry about it.

That's something
to worry about.

No no no, it
happens all the time.

Honestly, one time I woke up

next to three naked
men, a loaded gun,

purple crayon,
and a sore throat.

But you know, once
I got a conscience

and started saying no to drugs

all the endorsements
started saying no to me.

Do you know you've got
some red dots on your face?

No!

- Oh my God!
- No, listen.

Don't worry, it's only
ketchup or, a little blood.

Don't worry, it'll wipe off.

Oh my God.

These millennials
are so sensitive.

- Yeah, tell me about it.
- Oh oh oh, no.

Oh no, I'm a monster.

I'm a, I'm a brutish,
ugly, normal person.

That's what I am.

Now, um, Frankie, isn't it?

If it's any consolation,

we're all of us a little bit
ugly in some way or another.

Look, I think the
monster might be out there.

Come eat me now, rabid dog.

Come eat me now.

Oh, just, would you
just calm down, Frankie?

It's not going to happen to us.

We just need to do something.

Oh, police.

We'll call the police.

Oh no, no.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

I, I suggest we Google it.

Google what?

How to dispose of a dead body.

Oh God.

How to dispose of her?

She's barely even cold.

Oh God, she's
actually freezing.

Wait, she just moved.

Yeah, don't be an idiot.

No no no no no, seriously,

her chest just moved.

Yeah, I think that's
because Ian was touching her.

No, that's my
father's curtain.

Oh great.

Oh yeah yeah, now we're
tucking her in for bedtime.

What is going on?

Someone's been murdered.

We need you to call the police.

That's not a good idea.

Holy shit.

You're the murderer, aren't you?

And you're gonna
kill us now, too.

I am not the murderer.

Wait, oh, well
I mean, actually,

any of us can be the murderer.

You, old man Ian, you
could be the murderer.

You, lady, uh, who's name
I can't remember right now.

You could be the murderer.

Even I could be the murderer.

But, no, I can't be the murderer

because the prison, I can't.

I will never get a Ralph Lauren
contract with prison skin.

Do they even have moisturiser
in the commissary?

I don't even know.

[Frankie crying]

It's Lisa, by the way.

Okay, it's nice
to meet you, Lisa.

Lisa, I couldn't
help wondering,

um, you're not wearing
a wedding ring.

That's what you noticed
throughout all of this?

So you don't have one?

- Have what?
- Husband.

Uh, I'm recently divorced.

I do have a son.

Ah yes, no I've got to
carry on my lineage, too.

Yes, that's not
really why I have a.

Perhaps you'd like
to come for a drink

after all this blows over.

What, you mean after all the
dead woman stuff blows over?

Yeah.

This is too painful.

I'm calling the police.

Uh, it won't work.

What's the point in it then?

Ambience.

What are we gonna
do about the woman?

Ah.

What about her?

How do we explain it to them?

The dog got her.

But does anyone remember
us seeing the dog?

No no, I.

Does anybody
remember anything?

I don't remember
seeing anything at all.

Exactly, we'll just
make something up.

The police will
know if we're lying.

We can't knock the
intelligence of the police.

[Sergeant Bobby]
Hello, hello, hello.

Sergeant Bobby speaking.

You're friendly
neighbourhood policeman.

Unfortunately we can't come
to the phone right now,

but we would appreciate it

if you could leave a brief
explanation of your emergency

and we will aim to get back
to you just as soon as we can.

I got their voicemail.

Hi, it's Frankie James of
Burberry, for Burberry.

Soon to be Ralph Lauren though.

We're actually at, what's
the name of the pub?

Oh, Ian's Pub is fine.

What's the name of the pub?

The Woman's Head.

What's the name?

The Woman's Head.

What do you mean?

What's going on with
the woman's head?

What?

No, The Woman's Head.

The name of the pub
is The Woman's Head!

At The Woman's Head.

And someone's been murdered.

Killed by a rabid dog,

you must send backup
immediately, please.

Please send backup
as soon as possible.

And The Woman's Head is fine.

So, the police aren't in.

The dog knows we're here.

It can smell us.

And it will come back for us.

I vote Ian.

You got to go.

We need to build a barricade.

There, I agree with Lisa.

Well I vote we get as far
away from here as possible,

but sure, let's lock ourselves
in like sitting ducks.

Well actually, ducks
are far more agile

than most people
seem to imagine.

Are you sure you're
not the murderer, Ian?

I am most definitely
not the murderer.

[Lisa sighs]

Come on then, furniture
museum, come and help.

My my, my father
um, built that table.

Please be careful with
my father's furniture.

- Frankie.
- I was just trying

to help with this terrible plan.

Oh my God.

So, lucky you.

Looks like you've got
drinks after this.

Yeah, what do
you think of him?

You're not
seriously considering.

Have you seen that?

No, nothing like that.

Just I, I think there's
something shifty going on.

Yeah, he's a wacko loner
who lives in an abandoned pub.

Raised by a father who
apparently built this floorboard.

[Lisa laughs]

My, my grandfather
built this chair.

Oh, my father
built this handle.

My father built
this candlestick.

[Frankie talking gibberish]

Actually, uh, he did build
that candlestick holder.

Yes, thank you.

In fact, my father
built this whole pub.

It is a good pub.

Sturdy.

Yes, very sturdy.

What wood is it?

Uh, oak?

My father would never
make a pub out of oak.

No, that's enough.

Right.

Now what?

Well that's it.

We've barricaded the pub.

Nothing can get in.

Or out.

There's always the windows.

[windows thudding]

Oh my God!

Just, I just saw something.

It was big and black
and moving fast.

- Where?
- Just through the window.

It was growling.

As if it wanted to eat us.

Right.

Uh, I agree with Lisa.

It was a dog.

Oh this is ridiculous.

See, nothing.

[Frankie screams]

Oh God!

Okay, yeah.

Well, at least this
is a better way to die.

A better way?

Better way than what?

It's just better.

Than what?

Well, I never thought that
I'd be hunted by a wild animal.

That's why I never
left Barkshire.

Oh my god, you've
never left the county?

My father said it was
the most terrifying thing

being hunted by a wild animal.

I find Barkshire just the
right side of wild for me.

You've never been to the city.

It makes sense, to be honest.

Do you think,

the dead body smell
is attracting it?

I agree with Lisa.

You have to stop
agreeing with me.

Maybe we should move her.

To where?

I have an ice cream freezer.

Will she fit?

She's quite long.

You mean tall.

No, I've only seen her
horizontally, so I mean long.

I've haven't had
long is such a while.

I've got ice cream in there.

One,

two,

three.

[all grunting]

She's heavy.

Yeah, well rigour
mortis has set in.

She won't fit in
if she can't bend.

And that is if we
could lift her.

Which we can't because
you're weak as fuck, Ian.

Yeah, just forget it.

[Bartholomew] You're
weak, little boy.

You useless swine.

You fucking...

I'm trying!

What?

It's your birthday.

Nope.

Miracle cure says it is.

Well, so it's my birthday.

What's it matter?

It does matter, actually.

It means that your
cells are ever decaying.

Ever producing harmful toxins.

You're body is growing too much.

Shut up.

Yeah don't believe
a word he says, Lisa.

I think you're as beautiful
as the day you were born.

That's a weird thing to say.

Why?

It's a compliment.

It implies you were there
on the day she was born,

and if that's true
than this is really...

Oh come on, how could we be?

Lisa and I are the same age.

That's not a compliment.

I can't believe I'm
spending my birthday

with two random, potentially
murdering morons.

I'm not a murderer.

And, and Crispin
hasn't even called.

Who's Crispin?

Keep it in your pants, Ian.

Crispin's my son.

Shoot.

I've got just the fix for you.

Come on, Fluffy!

My name's Frankie.

I thought you said
you had a cake.

It's a flan.

I can see it's a flan.

- Flan.
- Flan.

- Flan.
- Flan.

Flan.

Who serves flan
for a birthday?

Well, I didn't have
much pre-warning on this.

- Yo.
- Oh!

[Lisa Voiceover] You're
in a mess, aren't you?

- Hey.
- Oh!

Holy shit, you made me jump.

Who are you?

I'm not too sure
about all this.

? 'Cause she's a
jolly good fellow ?

? For she's a
jolly good fellow ?

[Ian] Wait, where is she?

[Frankie] Oh great, we're
singing "Happy Birthday"

to a dead woman.

That's not ironic at all.

[Ian] Why is that, not ironic?

[Frankie] It is ironic.

[Ian] Well yes,
I know it's ironic.

[Frankie] I was
being sarcastic.

[Ian] You just
said it was ironic.

[Frankie] Oh for.

Lisa, where the hell are you?

Uh, I'm in here.

[Ian] Oh.

? For she's a
jolly good fellow ?

? For she's a
jolly good fellow ?

? For she's a
jolly good fellow ?

? And so say all of us ?

Congratulations,
you're two years old.

Actually, a health
inspector wouldn't want us

to have it in the bar.

We'd better have this
in the restaurant.

[Frankie sneezes]

? For she's a
jolly good fellow ?

? For she's a
jolly good fellow ?

? For she's a
jolly good fellow ?

? And so say all of us ?

[Frankie] That was mental.

Right, I'll cut the flan.

No, I think Lisa
should cut the flan

as it is her birthday.

No, it's a very sharp knife.

You just don't want to give
us the sharp knife, do you?

My knife isn't it?

My father, no, he didn't
actually make this.

- But he...
- You sound more and more

like a murderer every day, Ian.

It's okay.

Ian can cut the flan.

I'm not, I'm not a murderer.

Yeah, well I'm not
a murderer either.

[men grunting]

[flan splattering]

Oh shit.

Way to flan, Ian.

We need to clean that up.

Why?

She's already dead.

Because if they do a coroner
report and find flan on her,

they're going to wonder
how it got there.

It's not exactly like flan
was the murder weapon, is it?

Oh, great.

Shall we just add
tampering with the body

to the list then
now then, shall we?

[News Anchor] And three more
reports of vicious animals

in the last three hours
have been reported.

We advise all locals
to lock their doors,

to cover up any smells or meat

which might attract the animal,

and to, most
importantly, stay in...

Frankie!

We're going about
this all wrong.

Well thank
goodness you said it,

because who serves
flan at a birthday?

We shouldn't be
defending for the beast.

We should be attacking it.

Ian, where's your
father's rifle?

Whoa, what rifle?

The one of the portrait
of Bartholomew III.

Which makes you the fourth.

[Lisa Voiceover] Geez,
looks at this one's drother.

[Frankie Voiceover] Yeah,
dude's got some style.

I remember that.

It's hanging on a wall
in the guest bedroom.

For ambience.

But Ian Bartholomew IV,
that's a savage name, bro.

Do you get bullied.

It was my father's name.

What's your name.

Ian, just Ian.

Are there bullets
for the rifle, Ian?

Yes.

Perfect!

Let's shoot this dog in the face

and get the hell
back to the city.

How do we get to
the bedroom, Ian?

Out there.

Well, we better look for
some weapons in here then.

[metal clanging]

Yes!

So uh, Lisa.

- Oh hello.
- Hi.

Are you from around here?

Uh, no, not really.

I'm South London based.

Oh, in a clinic.

How do you know that?

I think you said
you were a doctor.

Don't remember
telling you that.

Your son, how old is he?

Oh, too old to bother
about me anymore.

I need a son.

You need a son?

Can you still have children?

Whoa!

Just that, you know, your age,

and everything really.

I know how old I am, Ian.

And thank you for reducing
my worth to a uterus.

No, that's not what I meant.

But you, my father,
he's most insistent.

The line must go on.

My father was...

Frankie, what about this?

We could strangle the beast.

Oh yeah, check
out this bad boy.

Think of the damage
I could do with this.

Yeah.

We're gonna need that gun.

Oh no.

You see, look.

It hasn't been
fired for 20 years

and even then it was a bad shot.

How do we get to the bedrooms?

Well, doesn't the
kitchen connect?

Oh yes, to the yard.

But that, that door hasn't
been opened for 22 years.

Why not?

Oh, my father,

shot it with a rifle and,

it hasn't budged since.

Why don't we just
break down the door then?

My father built that door!

[Lisa sighs]

I think Ian should go.

He's the only one who
knows the floor plan.

[Ian blows dust]

There we go, anyway, look.

Now we all know the floor plan.

Well, I'm not architect
but it looks simple enough.

I think you'd make
an amazing architect.

Oh.

Right, I'll go.

Okay.

No!

No, no let him go.

He's the youngest,
he's the fittest.

I would go but I'm afraid
my knees would cave in.

Uh, it's three metres across.

Yes, I know, but I'm
not allowed to run.

Look, we'll both go.

Ian, you stay and
look after the body.

Yeah, stay and make
sure the dead body

doesn't wander off while
we risk our lives for you.

I know, but I'm not allowed.

You don't have to do everything
a doctor says, you know?

Yes you do.

WebMD knows just as
much as a real doctor.

Oh God, I hate
your generation.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

Stay here, let the boy
look after himself.

I, I better go with him.

He might accidentally

shoot himself in the
foot or something.

- Just.
- Oh.

Be careful.

Weird.

There's barricade has
been useful so far.

Limber?

Loose as a lemon.

I like your hair.

Where did that come from?

Looks good.

Much better than it did before.

It's weird.

It's like you're glowing.

Thank you.

I think it's all clear.

Yes, it looks good to me.

Oh, hang on.

[metal clanging]

Could have used that.

I was just checking to
see if it's still out there.

[Frankie] Right.

It looks like it's all clear.

Ready?

To be mauled by a rabid dog?

No.

Shit, oh God.

Shit shit shit
shit shit shit shit!

[plastic crinkling]

Shit, oh.

Did you hear that?

I did, open the door!

Turn it clockwise!

[plastic crinkling]

[chips crunching]

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

You could jiggle it.

Just jiggle it a
little, could ya.

Open it!

[plastic crinkling]

Damn blood gets in everywhere.

Lisa.

Lisa.

Lis,

Lisa.

Lisa, would you like to
go out on a date with me?

Lisa, would...

You get off me.

'Cause you opened
the door just in time.

I didn't even want to try
the anti-clockwise move.

Bloody call that a move.

Oh God, I've been
so close to death.

I never really knew what
it actually felt like.

It's strange, but I've
never felt more alive.

I have.

In Paris for fashion week.

The catwalk.

I was majestic.

Perfect and cat like.

I'm not scared anymore.

I am.

Tis been a long time
since I've been out

on a first date, Lisa.

No, it's true.

I'm not scared of death.

I just want to live.

[Frankie grunting]

Oh God.

Oh, your skin.

It's just, it's glowing.

Oh!

I've always wanted a family.

Wife, children.

Frankie wasn't quite
what I expected,

but I'm sure I dare say we
could whip him into shape.

[Ian laughs]

Good evening, sir.

Would you like
anything to drink?

Oh hello, yes.

Well, well we'll have
the red, thank you.

That's a very wise choice.

Could I say, what a lovely pair.

Couple, what a lovely
couple you make.

Oi, check out the
couple over there.

That dude doesn't
know what he's doing.

[Ian cries]

Voices.

So.

What a loser.

Oi, oi, oi,

he's an absolute
spunk bubbling...

Little red for you, sir.

[Ian gasps]

Oh uh, no, thank you very much.

We've decided to
stay with the white.

[both panting]

- Now quick, hurry.
- Oh.

[Lisa moaning]

Oh yeah, oh yeah!

Oh, oh!

Oh my, shitting, God!

You, oh, no, oh, woo!

It's, like, a ride!

[Lisa screaming]

That's it!

[Lisa screaming]

Lisa, yes!

[Lisa panting]

Lisa.

[Lisa panting]

Yeah, I didn't feel it.

I did.

Oh God, for the
first time in years.

Oh, look, I found it!

I beg to differ,
I found it first.

Oh, the gun.

I think it's loaded.

[Frankie screams]

[Lisa screams]

What?

Oh, don't worry
darling, it's probably,

just somebody with a gun.

[Ian laughs]

It shot me.

No, you shot you.

Oh God.

I want to go home.

I want to do some modelling
for Ralph Lauren or Burberry.

I don't really mind which one.

Why are we here?

Yeah, why are you here?

Why are any of us here?

Because the woman said
she'd help clear my skin.

What is the matter
with your skin?

I can't see anything.

There's nothing there.

No, I've tried everything
and it won't go away.

I swear it's the reason

why I'm not getting
more modelling jobs.

I'm scarred!

I can't see anything.

[Frankie crying]

I'm gonna die.

No, you'll be fine.

It's just a foot wound.

The bullet's lodged in
one of the metatarsals

so it's stopping the bleeding.

You just need to
keep your shoe on

and keep the weight off of it.

How do you know that?

'Cause I'm a doctor.

Are you a dermatologist?

Nope.

Oh!

So what'd this cure for you?

Um, well you know,
just a birthday in a pub.

Come on.

Let's check to see if Ian
hasn't murdered anyone else.

I'm not gonna go out there.

I'll just be bait!

Neither of us have to be bait.

We'll just cut the
journey in half

and go through the kitchen.

Oh what?

Through the door that hasn't
been opened in 22 years?

[Ian laughing]

So that's, that's when
my father turned around

and shot the turtle in the head!

[Ian laughs]

Oh, uh yeah.

No, that poor little devil.

I had to bury him out
in the back, actually.

Not my father, the turtle.

You know, he's buried in the...

Ian!

So tell me, do you like jokes?

No, I do, I do too.

I love them, I love them.

- Ian!
- Anyway.

- You tell one.
- Ian!

- Ian!
- Ian!

- Ian!
- Ian!

- Ian, Ian!
- Ian, Ian!

Uh, hello?

- Ian!
- Ian!

Stand back!

From where?

[Both] The door!

Oh!

[Ian whimpering]

[Ian gasps]

Oh my God.

You ruined my father's door.

Do you have any bullets?

Uh, two I think.

Great, where are they?

No, one now.

You've shot that up.

Ugh, you mean zero.

Did you shoot
Frankie in the foot?

You've got a loaded
rifle in the guest bedroom.

Well father never saw the
point of an unloaded gun.

How about safety?

Not only loaded,

but with the last two
bullets you have for it!

No!

[Lisa] What are you doing?

I don't like guns.

You're the one who owns a gun.

It was my father's!

I'm not allowed to touch it!

[Lisa] Oh, for God's sake.

Oh Lisa.

[Lisa shushing]

Lisa, Lisa, where are you going?

Ah.

[Ian clears his throat]

What the hell is
going on in here?

I can explain, Lisa.

This is some Bates
Motel kind of shit.

Where's Bates Motel?

I thought I knew all the
competition around here.

Lisa, this was
just for practise.

No, I think this is
actually called necrophilia.

No, I would not do anything
without anyone's consent.

Wait, wait do you need
consent from a dead woman?

That seems like a grey
area with me, too.

[Ian grunting]

[Ian crying]

I didn't do anything.

[Lisa gasps]

It was you.

He did?

He.

He did what?

He.

Did what?

[Lisa] He.

He did what?

He did what?

I think I ate her.

[Lisa whimpers]

Oh, you did what?

Don't worry, I
didn't hurt anyone.

How do you work that one out?

You don't, you eat someone,

you killed them, you hurt them.

But I didn't kill anyone.

I don't remember doing that.

Ha!

You do remember something!

Not really, just
flashes, that's all.

You were the one who roofied us.

I knew it!

No, Lisa, Lisa, I
didn't kill this woman.

You have to believe me.

Please.

Who are you?

I, I'm, you know.

I'm Ian, I'm Ian!

I run a pub in
Barkshire, you know.

I didn't roofie anyone.

I certainly didn't kill anybody.

I wouldn't, I would never.

Especially you
two, why would you?

Lisa, please believe me.

I didn't kill anyone.

Tell the truth!

Or I will shoot you.

In the foot.

Yeah, that really hurts.

You're out of bullets.

All right.

Lisa, Lisa, please believe me.

I did not kill this woman.

Frankie, tie him up.

With what?

I don't know.

Oh, that chord
from the telephone!

Couldn't you tie me up, Lisa?

- No.
- I'll let you.

There.

Why did you kill her?

I didn't!

All right, why
did you eat her?

I, I don't know.

But, oh.

But what?

But,

tasted amazing.

[Frankie gags]

I have heard that, actually.

[Frankie] From what?

[Lisa] Well you know,
like blogs and stuff.

[Frankie] Oh, you need to
change your blogging habits.

[Ian] No it's true.

It tastes like nothing
you've ever imagined.

[Frankie] Oh, just
shoot him, please.

Just shoot him.

But I'm not a murderer.

[Ian] Well, you're
out of bullets, too.

[Lisa] Oh what, is that
a threat then, is it?

You sick fuck.

Well, it was ridged.

Little laces of fat.

[Frankie] This is ridiculous.

[Lisa] What?

[Ian slurping]

Look, just shoot him.

We can scarp her.

Go back to the city.

Get the hell out of here, okay?

I'm done being here.

I want to go home.

Lisa, just, just shoot him.

No, Frankie.

I'm not a murderer.

If anything, we should
wait for the police

to come around and arrest him.

We can't just run away, Frankie.

[Frankie] Why not?

I've been shot.

He's clearly not
right in the head.

And we have a dead body
lying down in front of us.

Let's just get the
hell out of here!

[Lisa] I said no, Frankie.

We've got to wait
for the police.

We can't just leave a
dead body lying here!

Hi there.

[all screaming]

Wow, what a reception.

Thanks very much.

So, did it work?

Did what work?

Oh come on Lisa,
you most of all.

Are you cured?

How do you know about?

Oh it worked.

I knew it would
work, it had to work.

I just, you know,
had to be sure.

You're alive.

Of course I am, Ian.

Actually, you kind of grazed me.

I thought you'd take
more, to be honest.

Hey, what about Frankie?

He looked ready for a
feast when I went out.

Oh, thanks for the
anaesthetic, by the way.

Frankie!

Shit.

Frankie come out, show that
unblemished face of yours.

[Frankie] Shit.

We can hear you, darling.

Hi, Frankie.

Uh, hi.

I'm sorry, what's
your name, again?

Oh, oh yeah.

We did think there'd be some
memory loss, didn't we Lisa?

Um, I'm Eve, remember?

No.

Hm.

So, Lisa, tell me.

How do you feel?

What happened?

I mean, how did we get here?

And what did Ian do to you?

Yeah Ian, what
did you do to me?

I ate you.

Exactly.

How do I taste?

I'm so sorry.

I hope I didn't hurt you.

No, I've never felt better.

You, you were dead.

You know, we went on a date.

Hm.

Are most of your dates dead?

Well.

Well, I guess the memory loss

was a bit more sever
than we expected.

How are you alive?

We, we thought you'd been
ravaged by a wild dog

or murdered by the loony.

No no, Lisa.

I'm not the murderer.

No objection to being
called a loony, though.

Well I guess you could say

I've been ravaged
by three wild dogs.

There's three of them.

[Eve sighs]

So,

are you really
gonna make me ask?

Are you gonna tell me
how I tasted, or not?

I, uh what tasted?

Her flesh.

Uh.

Pork.

No.

Not you.

Tasted like pork.

Lisa, not you.

Oh come on, Frankie.

It's not like she
stabbed me in the back.

Just the leg.

[Frankie coughing]

The fuck is this?

So um, I wonder would you stay

and help clean up the blood?

I do have a health
inspection coming up soon.

Holy shit.

It's gone!

Is this flan?

Uh, so you see, Lisa.

She's not dead, very much alive.

So there's no harm done.

No, none at all.

Didn't it hurt?

Oh, no I've got hyperalgesia.

Oh that's why.

Wait wait wait, why what?

What's hypoalgie?

Hypoalgesia.

She has an immunity to pain.

Or at least a decreased
sensitivity to it.

Oh, so cool.

Actually no, it's
really quite dangerous.

You know you're not
impervious to injury or death.

I'm really glad I fixed you up.

Yeah.

So, Frankie.

How you doing?

I'm utterly
disgusted with myself.

But also, skin's clear,
eczema's gone, all cured.

That means you are too.

But, how are you okay
with us just eating you?

Well, I asked you to.

Oh, right.

I know, but why?

You all just
seemed so hopeless.

- Oh, come on.
- I'm famous.

Yes, it's true.

Look, I help people, okay.

It's what I do.

I learned about it on my travels

to Mount Kiniwawatindunivankula.

Whoa.

It's near Fiji.

Oh, you see, I don't
believe in Chinese medicine.

I'm a doctor, a real doctor.

I mean it's held as like
and ancient miracle cure,

but it's rarely
practised anymore.

But it's exactly
what you all needed.

Well, you two anyway.

Hey Lisa, do you
think after this

you could bandage up my foot

seeing as I don't have hypoasia?

It's hypo,

you know what, it
doesn't matter.

So, seeing as the
miracle cure worked

so well for all of you,
I think it's my turn.

[Lisa laughs]

Your turn for what?

Well, you didn't think I
wouldn't want to try it myself?

- Uh.
- Sorry, I don't know what...

Okay listen, eating
someone else is one thing,

but eating yourself,
that's, ugh.

No Frankie,

I don't think that's
what she's talking about.

Whoa!

Shit.

Well I mean, I would have
preferred a more tender meat,

but as always, survival
of the fittest.

[trigger clicks]

No bullets.

[Ian screams]

Did she get Ian?

Oh God, I hope so.

Frankie.

Just because then she
wouldn't eat us, would she?

It's not like you like the guy.

But he's no worse than us.

Oh, don't feel
good for blaming him.

Anyone would.

He's just the perfect
murderer stereotype.

Well, what's the perfect
cannibal stereotype?

I don't know.

Is there a perfect
cannibal stereotype?

Uh, a psychotic,
highly civilised doctor.

[gun thudding]

Ow!

Oh, thank God I
don't have a PhD.

I'll beg to differ.

[gun thudding]

Excuse me.

Would you mind
letting me in, please?

Oh yes we would,
thank you very much.

No, I don't like urinals.

I prefer the privacy of a stall.

This leads outside.

That's where a rabid
dog is waiting for us.

Well.

[Frankie] Screw it!

I'm so sorry, father.

I'm so sorry, father.

I'm so sorry, father.

I'm so sorry, father.

I will not run.

I will not touch your gun.

I will not touch your gun.

I will not run.

I will not touch your gun.

I will not touch your gun.

I will not run!

Oh God.

Oh God.

Oh God.

Oh, I'm sorry, Frankie.

I'm sorry, Lisa.

I'm sorry, Frankie.

I'm sorry, Lisa.

Wait wait wait, where
are your car keys?

Oh, I left them
in the restaurant.

Brilliant.

Oh!

If we go around
we can go through

the back door and get them.

She's still in the
bathroom, probably.

Probably?

I like those odds.

Wait!

Wait up, I'm shot in the foot.

I know.

Why is he waving?

[bullets rattling]

Come on.

Ian!

Ian.

Ian.

No.

[Eve sighs]

Hm.

[both panting]

So do you want to um?

What?

We're about to die.

My point exactly.

At least your
eczema's cleared up.

Wait wait, you don't
have blue hair anymore.

No.

You're bald.

Well I, I've got cancer.

Oh, that's why
you're doing this.

Yeah, I don't
have much time left,

so I though what
have I got to lose.

Yeah, no, I get it.

I'm going through
exactly the same thing.

You had eczema.

Oh, okay, and that's
not important to you?

The end of my livelihood?

My career, my friendships,
my access to free clothes?

Just because you
didn't get eczema,

doesn't mean it's not
life of death for me.

You've got great
skin, Frankie.

It's a shame everyone
hasn't got skin like you.

[Bartholomew Voiceover]
Loner, no wife,

no son, my image ruined.

I'm sorry father.

[Bartholomew Voiceover] You
inconsiderate little shit.

Stupid boy!

You're weak, get out
of here, at once.

Do you feel that yet, do you?

You fucking shit, stupid shit!

No!

I'm not sorry, father!

[gun cocking]

I need to help my friends.

Ian!

Lisa!

Frankie!

Come out to play!

Hey, do you reckon
a dog got her?

I don't know, I
haven't heard anything.

It's got to be morning
now though, right?

Maybe she's gone after Ian.

Ooh.

Hm.

Guys!

Where are you?

I'm hungry!

Let's go.

Hello, food.

[Lisa gasps]

[Lisa] Oh God.

Oh, that's not even
sharp, it's for flan.

[Lisa gasps]

Oh, nice shot, Ian.

Shoot her!

Ian!

Shoot her.

Yeah Ian, shoot me.

What, what do you want?

I want to eat you, I
already told you that.

I'm gonna kill you, dice
you up into tiny pieces,

put you in the freezer, and eat
you every day for breakfast.

God, what is wrong with you.

Yeah, sure, there
must be something wrong.

[Eve grunts]

What did you want to cure?

I don't...

Pain!

I want to feel pain.

Why, why do you
want to feel that?

You've hit the jackpot
by not feeling it.

You don't know what it's like.

What, you think I'm lucky

'cause I have to set
an alarm every day

to remind myself to
go to the toilet?

You think I'm lucky that
my father made a game

of seeing how many
bones he could break

before I couldn't walk anymore?

You think I'm lucky
that my friends

threw me off a bridge just
to see what would happen?

[Frankie] Wow.

But you think I'm
lucky that I get to be

a guinea pig to human curiosity?

I may not be able to feel pain

but it doesn't mean
I can't be broken.

No, I've never
been the lucky one.

You're lucky!

To feel!

I want to feel!

I just want to feel something!

No, you don't have
to feel pain, Eve.

I mean you weren't
treated right,

but that doesn't mean that
you have to feel pain as well.

You just don't get it.

Pain is a blessing.

I thought my father cared
for me as he broke my bones.

I thought my friends liked me
as they threw me off a bridge.

I thought the world loved me

as it cut me open
to look inside.

I just want to feel their pain.

Eve, Eve,

you don't need pain to know

that your father
didn't treat you right.

And what my father did to
me wasn't right as well.

We don't need pain to tell us

that we were raised by evil men.

But that also doesn't mean
that we have to be evil either.

If I'm evil,

then so are you, Ian.

So are all of you.
[Ian crying]

[Frankie] Oh, fuck.

You shot me.

Oh oh, it was an accident.

Ian!

I'm sorry, the gun is old.

It just, it just went off.

[Frankie] I mean,
he's not wrong.

Still can't feel anything.

[Lisa] No, but you're
gonna bleed out, so.

Oh yeah.

That sucks.

Ian, water, bandages, now.

It's a shame that I
still can't feel any pain.

Even though I've been shot.

I wish I could.

You know, the guys at Mount
Kiniwawatindunivankula

would love to hear this story.

But, I guess,

well, at least my life
wasn't a complete waste.

I got to cure all of you.

Just remember,
there's nothing wrong

with being a little bit weird.

Like a rabbi in a pub.

Uh, not quite what
I meant, but okay.

[Ian] What, what you doing?

[Frankie gags]

[Lisa crying]

Ow!

[Eve grunts]

[Eve crying]

I feel, pain.

Is she okay.

No, she's dead.

Yeah, she's dead.

I didn't kill her.

It was an accident.

You know what, Lisa, I
agree with him on this one.

What, how do we know?

He was the only one that
didn't need any curing.

Wanted to know
what it tasted like.

So you accepted

a strange woman's
request to eat her flesh?

Well I was curious.

I like meat, sue me.

Look, I'm not
condoning the behaviour,

but he hasn't done anything
that we haven't done.

Well he shot Eve.

That gun is incredibly
unpredictable.

We need to call the police.

They're not in.

Well, a woman's been murdered.

Accidentally killed.

In self defence, you know.

She had surrendered,
technically,

but she also shot at us,

attacked you with a flan knife,

strangled you, do
you know what I mean?

She wasn't innocent.

Yeah, either way,
we should report it.

But we ate her.

Yeah, I suppose.

Those two are two
separate events, so.

I, I don't think the
police are gonna care.

We have a dead woman and pieces
of her flesh inside of us.

I think this will
pass as guilty.

Actually, I don't
think cannibalism itself

is technically
illegal in Barkshire.

Why do you know that?

You see, it's the
murdering of the person

before you eat them, that's
the technically illegal part.

Yeah, I don't think that's
gonna hold up in court.

I don't think
there's anything wrong

with cannibalism per se.

Yeah, the jury aren't gonna
like you very much, Ian.

Look, what are we
gonna do with Eve?

She's getting blood
all over my table.

Priorities, Ian.

Unless it is your
father's table.

Not anymore.

It's my table now.

Don't apologise, Ian.

You know, you're not so bad.

I vote we bury her.

God, my life was so
much simpler 24 hours ago.

It was just a divorce, a
custody battle and some cancer.

Now it's just this giant mess.

Yes, but now you're cured.

You have a long, healthy life

of which to deal
with this giant mess.

So, have you got a spade?

Somewhere.

We better hurry up.

Yeah, I'm not keen on
the return of that dog.

Hair of the dog.

I've never gone for that.

Hair for a drink, disgusting.

Human flesh is
more acceptable?

You should really go inside

if you're frightened of the dog.

No I.

Lisa, I'm sorry.

What for?

I, for making you
feel uncomfortable.

I don't have very much
experience around women.

Look, Ian, you're a good guy.

You know, cannibalism and
accidental murder aside,

but I don't think this is really
gonna work out, I'm sorry.

I can introduce you to
my friend, Mary, though.

She's quite desperate as well.

Well thank you.

- No.
- Do you know what?

I think I'm going to be okay.

It was my father that
wanted me to carry on

the line of the Bartholomew's.

I've never really been a
kid person to be honest.

Yeah, not everyone

should carry on a
lineage Ian, believe me.

Okay.

What do you think of
this, will this work?

God, you better help him.

He's not gonna be able
to do this on his own.

Lisa, thank you.

I think I might finally be
cured of my father's voice.

Maybe it was a
miracle cure after all.

It's, it's!

[Lisa screams]

It's a cat.

I can't believe we
were scared of a cat.

It's like there's no dog.

No, there must be.

Radio people know what
they're talking about.

Well I feel stupid.

I don't, I hate cats.

So what we gonna do
about the body then?

I mean, it's a kind
of a waste, isn't it?

Well she's dead already.

Cancer can come back.

But you're cured.

Yeah, but it might not have
got rid of all the cancer.

What about your eczema?

What about your voices, Ian?

- Okay, feast.
- I'll get her.

[News Anchor] And
in other local news,

it turns out there
isn't a wild dog at all.

Just some kid doing howl
noises around the village.

His parents have cautioned him

and sent him to
bed without dinner.

[Ian grunting]

There we are, that'll keep.

I'll cook her any
way you want her.

[Man] Hello, health inspector.

What?

No.

It'll be fine, I'll be fine.

There's a dead
body in the freezer.

There's a rifle
out there somewhere!

There's blood everywhere.

It could be animal blood.

No, no.

That's a health violation.

They will close down my pub.

Oh perspective Ian,
we could go to jail.

What do you suggest then?

We're cannibals,
Ian, not murderers.

No, I'm pretty sure that
cannibalism isn't legal

in the county of Barkshire,
and it is a health violation.

I knew it.

[Man] Oh perfect.

Another growl for us.

[Frankie growling]

[man speaking indistinctly]

Again.

[Frankie growling]

Am I looking past the
camera or at the camera.

[Man] You're looking
past the camera.

[Frankie growling]

[Frankie barks]

Meow.

[man speaking indistinctly]

Two seconds.

Oh, uh, sorry I have to go.

But I'll be, I've got
a family emergency.

But I'll be back.

[Man] Okay.

[Lisa typing]

[Lisa sighs]

Ha!

I feel grateful
for the old Bart.

I like your hair.

Oh thanks, I grew it myself.

Your skin looks flawless.

Thank you.

Made it into a cream.

it's to die for, literally.

Look.

Starting shipping next week.

Hey, I heard you
turned Ralph down.

I had to, the skin
industry needed me, you know.

But they're still courting me.

Sending me Polo shirts
all day, every day.

Wow, Polo shirts
and beauty cream,

you're living the dream.

I saw that you cured cancer.

Well.

Yeah, you were
on this morning.

Phil was totally flirting
with you, by the way.

Oh, he's lovely.

He's a little too old for you.

Well, we're the same age.

Exactly.

Ian!

- Ah!
- Oh.

What?

[Ian laughs]

Hello!

- Hello.
- Hi.

Ian, love the painting, man.

Thank you.

See, I hope your urgency

wasn't just to get us
down here for a pint, Ian.

Oh no, I need to
show you something.

Oh.

Is it a small protrudance
beneath your bedding,

because Lisa's busy with Phil.

Oh, Frankie, come on
now, this is serious.

Who's Phil?

Well he's just the,

you know what, it
doesn't matter.

What's going on?

Mm, let me show you.

Come on, come with me, come on.

Well what are we gonna do now?

[Sergeant Bobby]
Hello, hello, hello.

This is Sergeant
Bobby responding to

your distress voicemail
from a few months ago.

I apologise, I came
as quick as I could.

Is that right?

No, what do I say?

- What about the movie?
- See the dog.

Did anyone actually see the dog?

- Oh sorry.
- No no no no.

You say, what about the woman.

What about her?

What about the woman?

[Frankie] What about her?

[Lisa] Well we can't
just leave her here.

No, we can't tell
them about her.

[Frankie laughs]

We can't hurt her.

We'll do it again.

And we get as far away
from here as possible.

But no, sure, let's
barricade ourselves

and sit here like
sitting, sitting sit sits.

No, actually it's the
tenth smallest cunt.

County, whoopsy, whoopsy.

[both laughing]

Let's do that bit again
'cause it was very good.

Ready.

[Ian panting]

[Frankie claps]

[Director] Do you
think that's a good idea?

Oh no, I don't
think it'll work.

Ready, go ahead, go ahead.

You don't have one?

Have what?

Husband?

Uh, I'm recently
divorced, I have.

Well after all the dead
woman stuff, boil, brought.

What if we don't.

What is it?

[Director] The police
will know we're lying.

We can't knock the
intelligence of the police.

That's it.

The police will
know we're lying.

You can't knock the
intelligence of the police.

No no!

You said it too early.

[people laughing]

Something about a dog.

No, I come in and I go.

Pick it up, and you
go, what about her?

What about?

Hang on, what about her?

And then.

How do we explain it to her?

The dog bit her.

And then you say, has
anyone seen the dog?

The dog.

I said, does anyone really
remember anything, yeah.

And you have to
write a flashback.

I don't remember everything.

- Let's do it again.
- Yeah.

Can't let, the police
will believe that lie.

[Lisa laughs]

Sorry.

You can't, what is it?

The police will
know if we're lying.

They're intelligent.

We'll just make
something up, exactly.

We can't lie to the police.

The po...

[Lisa laughs]

Fuck off with this line!

I've dialled seven nines.

Sorry.
[people laughing]

Okay look, we'll
just make it up.

Exactly, we'll just make it up.

We can't lie to the police.

No.

[Director] The
police will know.

The police will
know if we're lying.

I can't wait for
the bloopers of this.

Go on, sorry.

The punch is that the police
is supposed to be smart.

Sure you're not
the murderer, Ian?

[phone ringing]

I am absolutely
not the murderer.

[Lisa laughs]

Her phone's ringing.

[Frankie fake screams]

[Director] And action.

And.

Oh well, he didn't like this.

[Frankie] You
sound more and more

like a murderer each day, Ian.

[people laughing]

Stop looking at me.

[Ian] I say go, now ready?

[Woman] Yes.

[Director] And cut.

[people laughing]

[Man] He just
came from a walk.

[Man] I just
came from my walk.

[Lisa] Should
I give you other?

Yeah, please do.

[people laughing]

There, that should
work, shouldn't it?

My father built that door!

[Director] And cut.

[people laughing]

[Woman] I'm sorry.

Thanks.

[Ian blowing dust]

[people laughing]

Oh shit.

Oh God, hang on.

[phone ringing]

Hang it up, hang it up.

I'm going from.

Just pick it up
and put it down.

[Director] Okay, roll.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull