Original subtitles

Previously on "The Magicians"...

- Fuck! - I'm so sorry.

It's Reynard. He's back.

Wait, I am pregnant.

I wasn't the only one he raped that night,

but I was the only one who got pregnant.

This is exorcism, you understand?

Did it work? Is it gone?

In the center of your being, there's a tiny beating heart.

It's called a shade. It's what makes you feel.

The pain will burn you till there's nothing.

There was a complication. Her shade, it's gone.

I feel light,

like a million pound weight's off my chest.

Say we get the perfect spell,

think about the energy it'd take to work it.

Dana's baby--his son.

You know, there is a ton of lore on demigods.

They're powerful in their own right.

We need to find him.

As for Loria--

Some 8,000 troops are headed to the border.

So we're totally outnumbered.

And of course, our preparation is affected

by the continued unsteadiness of the Wellspring.

- Looks like... - A major drought's hit.

You can't even get out of this shoddy little magician.

Free yourself, then find me.

- Alice, we can talk about this. - Just shut up! Shut up!

This is your body trying to hold a niffin inside it.

You can't-- not for much longer,

or it's gonna kill us both.

Seriously, you guys, I'm in a cage.

You think this is, uh, a tad redundant?

- Protocol. - For werewolves.

Okay, technically, I have

sexually transmitted lycanthropy--a very mild case.

Would've been cool to actually fully wolf out.

You know...

Either way, it's totally curable.

Treatable. There is no actual cure.

Well, silver bullet.

Hey, don't go through my bag.

Quentin, you're dying.

Yeah, well, aren't we all?

You are dying quickly.

You cannot keep this thing inside you much longer.

Well, I can't let her go.

Which is why you must box her.

I'm not doing that to Alice.

Quentin, there is no more Alice.

This is uncharted territory. Nobody knows.

Well, I know that you will be dead in days

if you don't rid yourself of her.

May I help you steal from me?

Nope, I got it.

Good luck with all your shit.

These damn brownouts.

We may be the least trusted monarchs

in the history of Fillory.

Thank God they don't have polls here.

That's the third brownout this week.

If we don't fix the Wellspring soon, Your Majesty--

One problem at a time, okay?

Our soldiers are deserting us in protest,

thanks to Julia committing tree genocide.

Pardon me, Your Majesty.

For the official records, may I suggest

a slightly less incendiary term?

Perhaps "arbicide"?

Sure, if you can also recommend

how we fight a war without an army.

Your Majesty, there is one option--

- a rather obscure law, based-- - Less words.

One-on-one combat.

Between monarchs.

- A duel? - El--

With Ess's dad? He's gotta be at least 50.

And I'm pretty buff from all the living

without technology or decent wine.

Slow down.

Is there any rule about not using magic?

- No, Your Majesty. - Highness, if I may,

there is a reason we haven't brought up this, uh,

option before,

especially since magic is not completely dependable.

Simply put, you're likely to...

well...die.

Mm-hmm. Tick, if I did this,

how popular would I be?

No king has ever volunteered

for one-on-one combat.

If you were to prevail, you would easily be

the greatest leader in Fillorian history.

- The greatest. - The greatest.

God,

he's already seeing the statues.

I hereby decree...

rulers done gonna rumble.

The Magicians 02x09 - Lesser Evils Original Air Date - March 22, 2017

Eliot's the king of all this?

Yeah, looking for rock-solid proof there's no justice, that.

Even this dungeon's nicer than any place I lived as a kid--

oh, except for my uncle's BMW.

Would've been even nicer if he'd actually been my uncle.

Don't be fooled by the high gloss.

This place sucks.

- Hey. - What's up?

We found Reynard's son.

So this is a breakout.

- Why are you in here anyway? - I killed trees.

- Seriously. - That could talk.

They have talking trees here?

Not anymore.

So what's Reynard's son like?

I guarantee you won't believe it.

Let's go.

What the fuck?

He's marking his territory.

Hey, I refuse to be shamed.

Didn't you hear what Friar Joseph said?

Not all niffins are the same.

I'm not gonna go on some killing spree

anymore than he would.

Q... don't you believe me?

I believe you believe you.

Sorry?

I'm not talking to you.

I just want to do what Joseph does.

Please. Beautiful, high-level magic.

I'm not letting you loose.

It's bad for the world.

I'm not boxing you.

I don't want to know a world without Alice.

Keep this up, and you won't have to.

We'll both be dead.

Good plan.

Eliot...

The intel I'm getting on King Idri

and the protocols of dueling-- not good.

I mean, you ever even touched a sword before today?

No, but...Magician.

Well, sword fighting spells,

of which there are only two anyone knows of,

take months to master.

Why? It's a giant butter knife.

It's all the variables in any given match.

It's almost infinite.

I mean, sure, you could slap together a spell,

maybe get four or five good moves.

- Which brings us to thing two. - How many things are there?

Look, King Idri has fought 14 duels.

All opponents dead.

Senator Gaines' rise has been described

as nothing less than meteoric.

Reynard's son is John Gaines?

- You know him? - I mean, I know who he is.

He's on rails to the White House.

I hit one of his rallies, did a psychic scan.

Dude believes every word he says.

I believe that everyone is born with a flame of goodness,

and if my light or yours go out,

remember, we're not alone in this world.

- See? - Wow.

He's the perfect demigod spokesmodel of absolute evil.

Who's kinda hot as shit.

- What? - Sorry.

Look, he's not even my type, obviously; it's--it's weird.

Dude has more magic coming off him

than every Magician on Earth combined

and knows not one thing about magic.

Well, he's sure gonna.

How's the battle prep?

If someone had told me a year ago

that I'd be venting to my wife,

while preparing to do battle on behalf of my mythical kingdom...

I'd have done a lot more drugs.

I have something that might help.

Great, depending on what your definition of help is.

I know I haven't always given you reason to trust me.

My grandpa forged this sword for a High King

who vanished without ever claiming it.

Since then, my family's been saving it

for someone truly worthy.

It's beautiful, but I'm not sure it actually helps.

I'll never learn a spell in time.

It was made for a king, as was the accompanying spell.

And sword spells take weeks to master.

Not when it's written for a king.

My grandpa was the royal family's favorite sword smith

because he knew they were, uh, too...

- Too lazy to learn? - Too...preoccupied

with matters of state for busywork.

With this spell and this blade,

you will be a master swordsman.

Insert weak double entendre I'd have to explain.

Sorry?

"Praise Ember's strength

"and Umber's wisdom.

"Bring unto me the lifeblood knowledge

of all masters of the blade who have come before."

Fen...

Fen, I actually feel marginally less fucked now.

All my life, I've put my family first.

Now that's you and our baby.

I'll really try not to die again.

I'd really appreciate that.

No, no, no, stop-- hold on--hey, Becky.

Security?

- Security? - It's not working.

All right.

Whatever this is, stop. Tell me what you want.

- Man, you're good. - Mm-hmm.

Let's get to it.

Magic is real.

Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, hey.

Okay.

Okay, is this some kind of a gag?

Is this a publicity stunt for a TV show?

We're Magicians being hunted by an evil God,

and so are you.

Listen, obviously you guys believe this,

- and--and I respect that. - Bullshit.

No, it is not bullshit. It is--okay.

This'll take forever. It's not like

- we need him alive anyway. - Jesus, what the fuck, Julia?

We don't need him. We need his energy.

- No. - You're born, huge energy;

you die, bigger energy, especially a demigod.

That is what we are after here, people, the energy.

Right now, he's just a skin sack hiding it from us.

Okay, you need something to hold that energy.

- Like this? - Jesus.

- Oh, my God. - You planned this all along.

All right, all of you,

get the fuck out of my office now!

I won't die here tonight.

I will not die here!

Oh, shit.

He's okay.

He just fainted.

- Hey! - Whoa! No.

We are not, not, killing a U.S. senator.

But we will commit a felony almost as stupid.

Ok sloth,

you're the most honest one on the damn council,

so I'm counting on you to not kiss my ass or cover yours.

We've got a sword spell, so yay us.

But we need the Wellspring to work.

There can't be one brownout or blip during the duel.

So straight-up, how do we guarantee that?

- It's too... - What?

Um...

There is something,

but we urge you not to do it.

- Tell me. - Petition the fairies?

Fairies?

Do I know about the fairies?

They exist outside our realm.

They can be contacted, and they have great powers.

Well, can they fix the Wellspring?

Almost certainly.

Guys? The fuck?

Uh, fairies are notoriously...

- mercurial? - Have ya met your king?

They make complex deals with steep prices and--

Yeah, get me a meeting.

One has to contact their ambassador,

a human, which can sometimes take days, even weeks.

Well, then chop-chop.

And never keep information from me again, okay?

Yes, Your Highness.

You, Sloth, you read me?

- What? - Nothing.

Is that that senator dude?

You think we kidnapped a U.S. senator

and stuffed him in a closet?

No. Jesus, of course not.

Okay.

How'd you get him past the wards?

Hey, does one of you have an alumni key?

So cool. Um, can I borrow it sometime?

There's this really hot-- I'd love to sneak her--

Ah, vodka Gibson, four onions.

Yeah, right away.

So what do we do when he wakes up

and starts kicking the door?

Whatever it is has nothing to do with you.

Stay away from him.

Or?

No, you don't want to go there.

Pretty sure we're already there.

Enough.

I'll keep an eye on the senator.

- She's psychotic. - Look, she's being

a little...extreme, yeah,

but she's got her reasons, okay? Just trust me.

- I know Julia. - That's not Julia.

Even she knows that.

The only person who doesn't seem to know that is you.

Looks good.

- What's wrong? - Wrong?

Your face-- I'm an obsessive fan, so tell.

Thank you, Soren.

The sword's good.

The spell makes me great, but great enough?

If I lose, forget me.

All of you are dead or imprisoned.

Why didn't I see how huge this is?

I'm...

I'm scared...

for all of us.

You know what I'm thinking about?

That video you showed me

of your high school production of "Les Mis."

You were such a great Valjean.

Ugh.

I was all right at the matinees.

Evenings I'd agree.

- I scaled the heights. - Mm.

But...

what's your point?

Well, all this reading we've been doing on war,

I keep coming across soldiers who'd sing

before going into battle.

To avoid throwing up with fear?

It built confidence, yes,

projected power, destabilized the enemy.

So give me.

What?

The big number.

I can't.

I'll never remember all the lyrics.

It's practically the entire cast.

Which is why...

Magic.

No, I should practice.

So move your ass and sing.

Beyoncé does, which is why she's a boss.

Mm-mm. Don't make me sing.

♪ Shall I join my brothers there?

Sorry, I had to skip some verses.

They're great, but they don't really apply

to our situation.

Oh, okay.

Gotcha.

I'm confused.

- Is the duel not today? - It's a metaphor.

- I love that show. - You know it?

Boarding school on Earth. I played Javert.

Typecasting.

Praise Ember's strength and Umber's wisdom.

Bring unto me the lifeblood knowledge

of all masters of the blade.

King Idri...

King Eliot...

I'm sorry I have to kill you.

I've died before.

Doesn't seem to take with me.

Shall we?

Ah!

Okay, is he allowed to do that?

Kings do whatever.

Fine, he bitched out. It's over.

It's over when one ruler is dead.

Another favorite show of mine...

"Into the Woods."

I cannot believe how fucking boring this is.

You know I can see magic?

Not the kind that you can do with your hands--

that Stone Age bullshit.

I can see pure magic

in a thousand dimensions all at once.

You're not Quentin.

Get me out of here.

Alice.

Quentin always said you were smart.

He said the same about you.

Well, then, between the two of us,

we should be able to figure something out.

I'm not sure that's what Q would want.

What do you want, Julia?

What are you thinking?

Oh, I can almost see it...

just like I can see that your shade is gone,

which is how I know that your...

thoughts are pure, unencumbered.

I'm right, aren't I?

We both know life is not clouded with regret,

need, sadness.

We both know life is crystalline, clear, cold, sharp.

You--

he's bleeding.

God, he's so weak.

John, I'm here.

I know you have questions.

I have all the answers you could ever want.

I'm Reynard.

Your place is with me.

Who the fuck is Reynard, and why is he in my head?

There's nothing we can do.

It's up to him.

- Jesus, he's stubborn. - What is happening?

What is happening? Will you get him out of my head?

- Make it stop. - What now?

This is so much worse than you think.

- Is that Senator Gaines? - Probably.

I mean, why not?

Can you do something to ward his mind from the voice?

- What voice? - Reynard's.

- He's after his son. - Where?

Outside the wards, I guess.

Okay, whatever you're thinking, don't.

I'm not the one you should worry about.

You are out of your element, child of Earth.

Well done.

Well done.

Yes.

I'd give you an update, but I hate seeing boys cry.

He won't be able to get in here,

not after the security protocols we put in place after The Beast.

As long as they hold, we're safe.

You're probably right. I hope you're right,

but we are talking about a not-so-benevolent god...

- Mm. - After his only child.

Listen, I'm sorry for getting so hysterical back there.

I'm having a lot of trouble with this.

It's okay.

How did you get his voice to stop?

What the hell is this thing on my neck?

It's a patch. It blocks psychic interference.

It works, trust me.

I have to be honest. I hope I'm in a mental ward.

Majesty, you must return to Whitespire.

- Are you insane? - He will not wait.

- Who? - The ambassador to the fairies.

I'm afraid this has to end!

Don't prolong it.

Monarch to monarch,

when I kill you, I'll be merciful.

That's kind of you.

Oh, shit.

- The Wellspring. - Shit.

Praise Ember's strength and Umber's wisdom.

Bring unto me the lifeblood knowledge

of all--

All right, come on.

Blackout. The wards are down.

Everyone get to the lab. Now!

- Let's go. - Run!

What's happening?

- Move, people! Quickly! - Inside! Lets go!

Come on, this aint a pop quiz, let's go, you don't want to be out there, let's go, come on!

How long can the emergency generator in here keep the lab working?

Hopefully long enough till we think of something.

Of course those I represent would always consider

with the utmost respect

any royal request, Your Majesty.

When can we meet face-to-face?

When you conclude the bargain with me.

No.

I wanna know who I'm sealing the deal with.

Not possible, Majesty.

The ways of the fairies are-- well, how should I put it--

as implacable as they are ancient.

In any case, I would imagine time is of the essence, no?

The fairies can bring back the Wellspring?

They can.

And in return?

A royal child of Whitespire.

The fairies want a baby?

They aren't gonna eat it, are they?

It'll be raised as a fairy.

It'll know great knowledge, and even greater power.

Well... I'm not loving this,

- but I could get knocked up-- - No.

The child that grows in the womb of the High King's wife.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Highness? A word?

You've offended the ambassador.

He will no longer bargain with you.

- What? - Because you question him,

he will only honor the present deal

without further amendment, or there will be no deal at all.

I do not have powers. That is impossible.

It's impossible you don't.

- Look at your career. - Hey, I work hard.

Have you ever failed at anything ever?

Just be honest.

I've had losses.

- My parents-- - Yeah, died,

and left you, what, $20 million?

So what are you saying exactly?

Are you saying I used some kind of magic spell

- to kill my parents for money? - No. No.

Look, what you have, it is bigger than--

than--than what any Magician can do.

You know, you used your powers

even without knowing it to create you.

And the world was made to worship and follow you anywhere.

So if my birth father's a god and I'm a demigod,

why the hell did it take me a year to pass

the most boring farm bill in the history of the Senate?

But it got passed, right?

Come on, has any bill you ever sponsored failed?

- Come on. - Has it?

Holy shit.

Hi.

You can't stay up there forever.

Fen, Eliot's going to lose,

if he hasn't already.

Without magic, he's basically unarmed.

And the Wellspring's gone black.

You have to do something.

I think I can,

but I need you to promise me that if magic is returned,

Eliot lives and there's no war--

that you will do exactly what I tell you.

- Of course. - Whatever it is.

Yes. Please. Don't let him die.

You are most skillful.

I'm a manipulative cunt.

Fix the Wellspring, now.

No rush.

I'll win eventually.

I wish your magic hadn't gone out.

I like my fights fair.

You do realize if this is a legit magic blackout,

it fucks both Fillory and Loria, right?

My people are so used to scarcity,

I don't even think it'll register.

Sometimes, I think they like being dissatisfied.

Preach.

If you do kill me, I guess you'll spare me decades

of trying to fix a kingdom hell-bent on staying broken,

doomed to sexual frustration.

- But you have a wife. - Exactly.

Oh, and I'm going to be a father,

if that changes your mind about the whole killing me thing.

Wish I had a choice, but one of us has to die,

and I'm not the one up a tree.

Worth a shot.

At least you don't have to worry about getting old.

Excuse me.

I would age like a fine wine.

And you are a total DILF.

Should I be offended?

Let's just say it's too bad I have a wife.

I get it. My love for my late wife

kept me from selecting a husband too.

Um, wait.

What?

It is a shame I have to kill you.

I actually find you very attractive.

God damn it.

God damn it!

- Where's Quentin? - What?

Shit. Julia's not here either.

What?

I don't understand. You have a new weapon

- to kill Reynard? - No, you do.

I do what?

You have a nuclear bomb inside of you.

- Wait, Alice? - I talked to her.

She's a killing machine right now.

Tell her you wanna make a deal.

She kills Reynard, she's free.

No.

Do it, or we all die right here, right now, Q.

It's not like you to hide behind wards, Julia.

- Come face me. - Face him first.

Mmm.

Even with that... thing inside of him,

he's nowhere near as interesting as you.

But I'll make due.

- Let me out, I'll kill him. - No.

Julia.

- Get back inside the ward! - Come on!

- Come on! - Let me out!

Picked up this little trick

your six-fingered friend pulled on me.

- You waited too long. - You know what's funny, Julia?

You work so hard to hide from me magically,

yet you get caught by a simple security camera

kidnapping a senator.

It's all over the news.

It's grainy, but I'd recognize you anywhere.

So nice to meet more of your friends.

I think this is gonna be a lot of fun.

We have to stop him.

My son.

Whatever you are,

if I am what you say,

don't hurt these people.

Hurt them? No. Never.

I froze them so they wouldn't hurt themselves...

or you.

Come. Come closer.

Damn it!

Praise Ember's strength and Umber's wisdom.

So...

magic's back.

Shit.

What the fuck?

It's called The Clean Room.

No magic.

Did you put a sleeping spell on me?

Open this door!

I've been trying to understand you.

At least that's what I thought. What I've really been doing

is trying to make excuses for you.

But I can't anymore,

not after what you did to Quentin today.

But he's fine, right?

That's just luck, and you know it.

You fed him to Reynard.

- He knew how to survive. - Yeah, by doing what you want.

That's all you see anymore, is what you want.

You don't feel anymore, Julia,

not the way a human does.

It's not your fault.

I hope we can figure something out,

but until then,

this is it for you.

Kady...

Citizens, your warrior king returns.

- Praise Ember! - You scared me, you dick.

Good to see you too, Bambi.

Eliot, are--are you okay? Are you hurt?

All in one piece, thanks to that sword spell of yours.

I'm just glad you're safe. We both are.

I can't believe you actually won.

Uh, is it really that shocking?

Having seen how you fight without magic, yes.

Hold up.

What's King Daddy Fuckface doing here?

Ah, King Idri is our honored guest.

What happened to the whole "one must die" deal?

We're kings.

What's the point of having great power

if not to right wrongs?

We...

made an agreement.

- We're getting married. - Wait, what?

Uh, hello?

Pregnant wifey? Your dick no work-y?

Before I flay whoever neglected to inform me sooner,

apparently all monarchs on this glorious, magical planet

are entitled to one of each.

A wife, and a husband.

So what?

You're all just gonna shack up together?

We're all just one big royal polyamorous family.

Isn't it great? No one has to die.

Everyone gets what they want.

El, can we take a second?

What? So you fucked his son.

It doesn't have to be weird.

You sure this is a good idea?

I mean, you're really doubling up

on Fillorian marriage contracts.

Sometimes, you have to sacrifice for diplomacy.

And just wait until we're husband and husband,

and what some would call pillow talk, we call...

Espionage?

Diplomatic leverage.

Your Highness!

Thank Ember for your safe return.

More good news, the Wellspring is finally replenishing itself.

Ah, good old Tick.

Well, everything's coming up Eliot.

Congrats, future hubby. Your half is now shit-free.

I'm sorry, his what?

That was the deal. Marriage, peace,

and a 50/50 Wellspring split.

So how'd we finally fix the Wellspring?

Well...

I am so sorry.

I just can't do this anymore.

Alice...

I hope you meant it.

I hope you just go and do...

beautiful magic.

Alice...

Quentin says go free.