Original subtitles

Here he comes. Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

What's this?

Massage chair.

Jiggles away the cares of the day, jefe.

Larry: Oh, that's great.

Now I can get rid of Stephanie.

What's wrong with Stephanie?

Stephanie is good, but she's a little unreliable.

She didn't even show up last week.

Larry, she just had a baby.

She was pregnant?

Mmm. Yeah.

Well, we should send her a spoon from Tiffany's.

I-- I did that.

Great. This looks so relaxing.

Ricardo Montalban has one just like this.

He said this chair is just like having sex.

Oh, great, so I'll sit in it a couple of times,

it'll complain, and then I'll sell it.

(laughing)

Hey. Hello, everyone. Hi, Tom.

Sorry to interrupt.

Mr. Tom Poston is in the house!

I have a joke to tell you,

then I have to get back to "Grace Under Fire"

before Brett notices I'm gone.

Oh, go ahead, buddy, shoot.

What is perfectly adorable,

good as new, and has 7 tiny little dents in it?

What?

Snow White's hymen.

(all laughing)

Is he on the show?

He just came in to tell us that joke?

Mm-hmm.

What is the-- how do you turn this on?

You all set? All right. Yeah.

Fire it up. (humming)

Ohh.

How's it feel?

What's not to feel?

I can't wait to turn over.

This is great. Heh heh.

Well, you've been a little tense lately.

I think those days are over.

Show's been going good.

Yeah. Guests have been good,

monologues have been good.

Life is sweet, Artie.

Thank you.

How's that? No, lower.

There you go. That's it.

Morning, Hank.

Artie, oh, I'm glad you're here,

'Cause I want you to hear this.

Okay.

Attention, everyone. Everyone?

Good, uh, Hank has an announcement

he'd like to make.

Hank?

Good morning.

Uh, most of you here know me as Hank Kingsley, sidekick.

Or perhaps Hank Kingsley, spokesperson.

Even Hank Kingsley, friend.

But from today on,

it would mean so much to me

if each of you referred to me as Hank Lepstein.

What? Okay. Hank Lepstein.

Could we take a walk to your office for a moment?

Did I-- did I do something? I'm not sure.

This is more along the lines of a preemptive strike.

Why the mezuzah? Why this?

Oh, well, this? This is called a chai,

Yeah. and it's the Hebrew symbol...

Both: For life. Yes, I know what it is.

When did you become one of the chosen people?

Well, actually this weekend.

This is real. My life has changed.

You see, I-- I bumped into Marvin Hamlisch. He's a sweet guy.

He's a genius guy.

Not so pretty, but awfully sweet.

Sit down. Let's talk about it.

Well... it turns out

that we were standing in front of Marvin's synagogue.

And he said "Well, you want to go in for services?"

I was born a Jew.

Yeah? Yeah.

But I've hidden it all my life.

First in school, so I wouldn't get beat up.

And then in show business,

so I wouldn't alienate my public.

Artie...

I walked into that temple,

and a-- a spirit just-- it filled me.

And all of a sudden I realized how empty my life has become.

You know, the drinking, the gambling, and the cheap sex,

and I mean-- oh, what a waste of time.

Why don't you just lie down there,

I'll get you a cold cloth, you poor bastard.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm-- I'm fine.

It's just that-- the thing is...

I want to regain... my faith.

I want to rejoin my people.

I-- I mean, I've just wasted so many years

and the rabbi is coming here this afternoon to talk to me.

The rabbi's coming here?

Isn't that great?

Hank, I'm happy for you.

You know, I've worked for your people a long time.

They run this town.

They run it a hell of a lot better than the Asians.

Wow, thank you. That's so very kind.

Why don't you do us all a big favor?

Just keep it to yourself.

Why?

'Cause this is television,

and we're just trying to entertain people.

Morality's just gonna get in the way.

Oh, I'm sorry, I think you're overreacting.

Okay.

Well...

let's put it this way.

You got people in an office discussing religion,

it separates them.

Now you take our little group.

Phil is a Buddhist.

Phil-- I didn't know that.

That's exactly my point.

Beverly is a Christian, Paula's an Atheist,

but we all join hands

to put this show together every night.

And I don't want you to fuck that up.

What religion is Larry?

Larry's a talk show host.

Shalom, baby.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning, Hank.

How are you?

Uh, good. How are you?

I'm fine.

Uh, listen, I wanted to ask you about a, uh,

about the sketch you wrote,

about the one-size- that-fits-all condom.

Yeah, what about it?

I'd like you to change it.

Change it?

I-- I just feel awkward appearing in something

that treats sexual promiscuity among teens

in such a cavalier manner.

(laughs) That's hilarious.

Let me get that down.

Hey, I'm not pitching a joke, asshole.

My rabbi is coming by this afternoon,

plans on staying to see the show.

I'm not gonna participate in this kind of material.

(laughing) Stop it, you're killing me.

Okay, rabbi is coming by the show--

What makes you think this is so funny?

You're not even Jewish.

I am Jewish.

No, you're not. I am Jewish.

No, you're not. I am Jewish!

When we did the dyslexic accountant sketch last month,

you complained to me because it made you look too Jewish.

Yes, well, people can change, Phil.

This is called spiritual growth.

Well, I'm sorry. This is called disbelief,

because most Jewish people that I know are smart.

Well, at least I'm smart enough

not to worship a-- a god that sits

in the middle of a Chinese restaurant

with a sign that says, "Rub my belly for luck."

Um, Hank. Yes?

Is your rabbi coming here to the show?

Yes.

Okay, well, that is not fair.

Because the pastor from my church wanted to come,

but Artie asked me not to invite him.

Could you guys take this outside? Hank: Pfft!

Brian: Hank? Yes?

Rabbi Klein is here for the tour.

A tour? Wait a minute.

How is it that your rabbi gets to have some tour?

Well, I am sure that you would agree

that a rabbi fits more nicely

into a show business environment.

Oh, and what is that supposed to mean?

It doesn't mean anything!

Artie, how is it that-- that Hank's rabbi

gets to come and see the show and have a tour

and my pastor can't?

Are we having a rally in here?

Phil is supposed to be writing.

Thank you.

I'm leaving. Remember what I said.

Oh, oh, boy.

Beverly, sweetie, I apologize.

You can bring your pastor here any time you like.

Sorry, Artie, too late.

You know, I'm sorry, Artie.

I just can't believe he's pushing this whole

religion thing in everyone's face.

Well, Phil, I can't believe you're a comedy writer,

but we have to take them both on faith.

And now, because you're my special guest this afternoon,

Rabbi Klein!

I'm so embarrassed.

No, you shouldn't be. You're-- you're a natural.

Oh, god. This is so exciting.

Uh-huh. Thank you for this tour.

No, no, thank you.

Thank you for opening my eyes.

Now this is-- this is my couch.

Mm-hmm. Would you like to have a sit?

Thanks, Hank. Yeah.

Ooh! You know, this would--

this would be a real good place

to hide the matzo on Passover.

It sure would. (chuckles)

Hank, you have been blessed with a gift.

And with so much talent.

Thank you. It-- it is wonderful you get to share it

with so many people.

Thank you-- you know, you're talented, too.

No, when I saw you in front of that congregation,

the passion in your voice

and the-- the way you commanded everyone's attention,

I think rabbis are so wise

and-- and so good.

And they let you guys marry.

Right? That's right.

Well, that's so healthy

because Catholic priests can't do that,

which is why I believe so many of them have prostate problems.

I really want to join your temple, Rabbi Klein.

Well, I'm very glad to hear that.

Do you observe the sabbath?

In what way?

Do you go to temple on Friday nights

and refrain from all work?

Oh, no, no. No, I mean,

because we have the show every night.

Oh. And-- and-- and Friday nights,

well, that's a big night for us,

because we usually have a band. Yeah.

And keep kosher?

No.

You observe the high holidays, though?

Uh, Yom Kippur and the 4th of July.

(laughs)

As a Jew I'm not very good.

Well, as a Jew you're almost a methodist.

You know, Hank, this is a big decision.

It requires a deep, deep commitment.

I know.

And also a purity of intention.

Okay.

Are your intentions pure?

Oh, yes.

And... we'll work on the rest?

Absolutely.

Then I would be honored to have you

as a member of our synagogue.

Thank you. Thank you, Rabbi Klein.

You know, I have a little something for you.

Oh, no, that's--

Yes.

(emotionally) Thank you.

Thank you, Rabbi Klein.

I have to tell you, I feel very strange

just calling you Rabbi Klein all the time.

Well, then, call me Susan.

Well, Susan, I have to tell you

that, uh, after all this time, I--

I feel like I'm coming home again or something. Oh.

You have soft skin.

I mean-- I mean, for a rabbi.

(chuckles)

Thank you.

Artie: Uh, Hank...

Hank, rehearsal in 15 minutes.

Oh, uh, Artie, come over here.

I want you to meet somebody.

Artie, this is Susan.

Pleasure to meet you, Susan. Likewise.

Please don't have sex with Hank before the show.

It makes his blood sugar drop.

(laughs) Artie.

Artie, this is my rabbi.

(stammering) Oh, rabbi, I meant no disrespect.

Forgive me. It's okay, really.

Hank, may I have a word with you?

You know, should I go? I don't want to be in the way.

I'm sure you all have a lot of work to do.

Absolutely not, rabbi.

We're thrilled to have you here. Hank?

Thank you, Artie.

You're very welcome. Now get rid of her.

Well, she's staying to watch the show.

Well, then, put her in the green room.

Larry's on his way to rehearse "Larry's Funny Photos."

Religion makes him very uncomfortable.

Welcome back.

And tonight, you are in for a treat

because it's time again for "Larry's Funny Photos."

(drum roll) Or as I like to call it,

"Larry's Funny Photos."

Let's get started.

"Scientists using the latest available technology

"were able to give us a first look

at Boris Yeltsin's inner child."

(audience laughing) (laughing)

What are you doing? You all right?

I'm-- I'm supporting you with my laughter.

Well, you are always there for me,

Thank you. and therein lies the problem.

You know, you've-- you've reminded me of something

that I-- I read from the Talmud today.

"A friend loveth at all times,

but, um, a brother is born for adversity."

We'll be right back...

and, uh, no flipping.

(cheers, applause) (jazz music playing)

Man: Clear!

Look, isn't that--

you're gonna wear that the whole show?

Yeah. Is that okay?

Well, it's a little distracting.

I don't think so. I mean, it--

A little distracting. I think it might even help.

I do, I mean, Sally Field wore her hat on "The Flying Nun"

and look at that. That was a big show.

That was-- that was a show about a flying nun.

You're Catholic, huh?

No! Larry is not Catholic.

It's odd, you know. I've known you for so long--

I mean, 15 years.

I actually don't know what religion you are.

That's a private matter. Artie?

You believe in god? That is-- Artie?

You're in the middle of a show, buster. Artie?

You know, Artie-- gee, the show's been going great

I think so. and I love my new chair.

Please, please, take care of this.

You got it.

Take that off.

All right, I will meet you at the coke machine

after the show.

You behave yourself.

That-- that is inside out, by the way.

Man: In five...

(music ends)

Okay, we're back.

I want to thank those of you at home

for inviting me into your living room,

and a little later I'd like to tour

the rest of the place.

(laughing)

Why can't you just take it off for the show?

All right, just try looking at it this way.

You're a Dodgers fan, right? Yeah.

Okay, and sometimes you wear a Dodgers cap.

But I'm not wearing one right now!

I-- I am on God's team, and this is God's cap.

And besides, I am-- I am looking at the postseason.

Okay, I know how excited you are

about this whole religion thing.

Hell, when I was 12, I got baptized,

and I didn't shut up about it until a year later

when I got laid.

I had no idea that you were a religious man, Artie.

That's because I talk to the man upstairs on my own time

and not in the middle of "Larry's Funny Photos."

All right, I'm going to try to limit

my religious references on the air.

Good. But I intend to wear

this yarmulke at all times

in accordance with Jewish law.

By the way, is there any chance of me

not working on Fridays?

You keep this shit up,

there's a chance you might not work the entire week.

God bless you, Artie. Mazel tov.

I'm so relieved that Hank has finally come out.

What do you mean? Well, don't you remember at last year's Christmas party?

He insisted on being Santa Claus

Oh. and then he made sure that everybody saw

that he was eating the ham.

He even made sure that he left early for midnight Mass.

That's right. It was all part of the cover up.

Larry: Beverly?

Somebody's been sitting in my chair.

(laughs) Did they also eat your porridge, too?

You know, like "Goldilocks and the Three Bears."

Oh, right. Beverly, somebody has been sitting in my chair.

Yes, Larry. Would you please send out a memo

to tell them not to.

I-- I certainly will.

Thank you.

Arthur, we already heard from the sponsors on this.

They feel that our programming

should not be linked to any one faction.

Well, I don't exactly mean faction--

What she means is, they want our appeal

to be nondenominational, and we agree.

Well, I've spoken to Hank about this,

and I've explained the problem,

but you should know he feels very strongly

about expressing his religious freedom.

And we're sensitive to that.

But the fact is that we are not "The 700 Club."

We are a commercial network,

and we're in the business of making money.

I couldn't agree more with you, Stu, but...

if we don't handle this properly,

it's gonna bite us right on the ass.

(door opens) Hank.

Hello, Melanie.

Hey, sit down, buddy. Thank you.

Um, it's-- you seem a little upset.

No, no, not at all.

I, uh, just didn't expect you, that's all.

(Hank chuckles) I bet you didn't. Hello, Stu.

Well, I-- I just thought, you know, uh,

well, this meeting just might be about me.

So if it is, I think I should be here,

but go ahead, don't let me interrupt.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Hank, uh...

there are some concerns about you

wearing your yarmulke on the show.

We simply do not feel it's appropriate.

But you're-- you're Jewish, aren't you, Stu?

Yes, I am, but I am behind the camera,

where the viewing public cannot see me.

Melanie: Hank.

The audience thinks of performers as--

well, as their friends. People just like themselves.

And if they find out that you're different,

they might just go get new friends.

We live in a racist society.

Even behind the camera, apparently.

You know what you are, Stu?

You're an Uncle Tom.

Don't act like a schmuck.

Boy, well, when it comes out,

it just pours out, doesn't it?

Hank, Hank, I apologize for Stu.

I think we can all agree

that we're under a lot of pressure right now.

Well, maybe you guys can, uh,

cave to society's pressure,

but, uh, not Hank Lepstein.

Who's Hank Lepstein?

Me. I am Hank Lepstein.

Stu, the fall schedule sucks.

He changed his name.

Well, my buddy, John Cougar,

he changed back to his real name, Mellencamp.

Let's not make a big deal out of this.

Yes, but, Arthur, there's only one difference.

Yeah?

This is a big deal.

What you're saying is that, when you're not here,

people come in and they sit in your chair.

Right. Okay.

Well, why don't you just lock the doors?

No, I can't-- I can't lock the doors,

'cause then I would look paranoid.

So I just want to put a lock on the chair.

A lock. I can't put a lock on the chair.

Well, or something.

Um, you know what I can do?

I can pull a line off the heating element,

and then when somebody comes in to sit on it...

they get a shock.

Uh, I couldn't do that. What?

It wouldn't kill them.

They just come walking in, you know?

You're not here, obviously, and they sit in it.

And they just get a little-- (mimics shock)

little butt hummer.

Really?

And it works.

You know, ask my kids.

Okay.

Sounds good.

(mimics shock)

(both laugh)

No, I'm sorry. I-- I--

I can't do it.

Ah, shit, Hank. Why are you being so stubborn?

Uncle Miltie never wore a yarmulke on his show

and neither did Jack Benny.

Okay, Sammy wore it, but that was part of his shtick.

You'll get this yarmulke

when you pry it off my cold, dead head.

You listen to me, buddy.

You're putting us all in jeopardy here.

Now take it off and put it in your pocket.

I will not.

America's just gonna have to get used to this.

(audience applauds)

I thought you were taking care of this problem with Hank.

I'm on it.

Yeah, well, listen, Artie, the show's been going well.

I love my new chair.

Please, I'm asking you for the last time,

take care of this. Don't give it another thought.

Have a good show.

Don't worry.

And we're back.

You've come on a terrific night. Welcome back.

Um, my next guests

are making their very first appearance on the show.

And we're-- Uh, you know,

in my faith, we have a prayer

that commemorates when something happens for the first time.

Oh. Do you want to hear it?

Not right now. Let's get to the band,

because it's their first time on

and they have a new CD,

which is called "Factory Showroom," Mm-hmm.

on Elektra Records,

and they're performing the song "S-E-X-X-Y."

Please welcome They Might Be Giants.

(cheering and applause)

(rock music playing)

♪ S-E-X-X-Y ♪

♪ More than enough ♪

♪ Around the clock with nobody else ♪

♪ S-E-X-X-Y ♪

♪ There she is... ♪

Hank, I reached Rabbi Klein. She's in the corner.

♪ Cookie in one hand... ♪

Good band, eh?

♪ On her hand, S-E-X-X-Y... ♪

Thank you.

Thank you for coming.

Uh, could you excuse us?

Oh, yeah, yeah, Hank.

Be careful, she's a hot box here.

All right. Ah, they're just giving me so much pressure,

and I just wanted some emotional support.

Well, I'm here to help any way I can.

No one wants me to wear the yarmulke on the show.

But I'm standing tough. I'm standing tough.

Like the-- like the Hebrews at Masada.

All right. Well, you know,

let me try to put this in perspective:

The yarmulke and the wearing of the yarmulke,

it's a very important symbolic gesture,

but it's just a gesture.

Your spirituality comes from within.

You are fantastic.

You are... Hank...

You never met Hank Kingsley,

and I'm very glad for that

because he was talented,

and, well, he was pretty darn charming,

but other than that, there was no one there.

And now you got a chance to meet the-- the new Hank--

the proud, the strong, the Jewish Hank.

I have-- I have so much more to give now, Susan.

Right, to the temple.

I'm very attracted to you.

I am, and, uh...

I would just like the opportunity to explore

that attraction to see where it takes us.

That's very sweet of you, Hank,

but I think what you're doing is

you're confusing your spiritual awakening

with an attraction to me.

No, no, no, I-- no, I'm not.

I'm interested in you.

Not-- not the rabbi, but the woman.

Okay, then speaking as a woman, um...

I'm very flattered, but I'm not interested.

Yeah, that sounds like a woman.

I mean, uh--

I'm sorry, Hank, it--

I mean, you are a really nice guy.

You're just not my type.

Okay.

I don't want to-- Ah, oh, oh.

I got it.

I'll see you at services?

♪ "X" because it's extra, baby ♪

♪ "Y" because it's extra, baby ♪

♪ You gotta understand ♪

♪ She wants to be your man ♪

♪ She's got another plan ♪

(audience applauds)

(knock on door)

(door opens)

Hank?

Can I come in? Sure.

Um...

Hank, I just wanted to apologize

for the way I acted the other day.

I mean, I think it's wonderful that you found your faith.

Hmm. I feel like I've really been tested,

and now my faith is actually stronger.

Well, that's what having faith is all about.

You know, um, I grew up in a small town,

and we were the only blacks on our street.

And, um, some of the people, they were really very nice

and-- and some others, well,

they couldn't live with the fact that we were black.

Really? Yeah.

And, um, you know what pulled me through?

It was my faith.

I mean, not that keeping it hasn't been a struggle.

I've stumbled,

but I have the wisdom that comes with knowing.

Hmm.

Knowing...?

Knowing God.

Oh, yes, of course.

You know, Hank, you gotta rise above it all.

You got to have courage.

And I know you have that.

(softly) Thank you-- what is that scent?

That is wonderful. What is that?

Uh, Eternity.

It's wonderful. Thanks.

Beverly, would you like to, uh...

What?

Never mind.

No, what. Nothing.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Right on, sister.

Oh, Hank?

I'm really sorry about those nasty letters you got.

What nasty letters?

Oh, uh, nothing.

You know, Larry, he gets those crazy things in the mail, too.

Brian, bring in my mail, please.

Hank, before you read any of these,

I want you to know that I support you

and the stand that you've taken.

Just read my mail.

Okay.

"Dear Jew,

"you keep wearing your Jew hat,

"because I can use it as a target

when I blow your Jew head off."

Wow, this guy's a real nut case, eh?

Read another one.

Oh.

Maybe-- maybe not that one.

(clears throat)

"Dear bar mitzvah head"--

Well, that's a clever start.

"I will not buy your orange Jews ever again."

What the hell are "orange Jews"?

Maybe he's referring to the orange juice you endorse.

Oh, no.

No, not the orange juice.

Well, that can't be happening.

No-- my contract's up for renewal.

(knock on door)

Hank, I'm between a rock and a hard place.

The network doesn't want you to wear the yarmulke.

Well, that's all I needed to hear.

It's gone.

Bad mail? Mm-hmm.

Hey, good morning, Artie.

Hey, how you doing, Hank?

You won't believe it.

I had the most amazing thing happen last night.

I took this walk

and I bumped into Steven Spielberg.

Oh, sweet guy.

Next to Marvin Hamlisch, the sweetest.

Well, it turns out

that he goes to the Synagogue for the Performing Arts.

It's reformed. Male rabbi?

You got it.

You should have seen who was there.

Don Rickles, Joel Grey, Bob Saget,

who, by the way, is also very sweet

once you get past all the dick jokes.

That's what the Olsen twins say.

And Rickles told me about this great lobster place.

I'm gonna take you there.

You're on.

Larry: Morning.

Good morning, o handsome one!

Oh, you look so well-rested and relaxed!

I gotta tell you, I think that chair's changed my life.

(screams, whimpering)

My ass feels like it's on fire!

I thought it was Phil.

(theme music playing)

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