All language subtitles for The In-Laws (2003) _ ENG

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

You'll see that her fingerprint

matches exactly.

That's very nice.

So...

when will your buyer
have the money?

He should have the money
within a week.

You will do it in four days.

Four days, that's Sunday.

I've got something
going on on Sunday.

No, Sunday
will be fine.

I'll work out my schedule.

I'll juggle.
Not to worry.

One more thing...

If I come to America
with Olga,

you think you can
get me tickets

to Celine Dion?

I will not only get you tickets,
I will get you backstage,

and if we're really lucky,

you'll have coffee
with her, okay?

[GUNSHOT]

Get down!

* You were young and your heart
Was an open book *

* You used to say
Live and let live *

* You know you did
You know you did *

* But if this ever-changing
World in which we live in *

* Makes you give in and cry *

* Say live and let die *

* Live and let die *

* Live and let die *

* Live and let die *

There's your guys.

See you in four days?

[***]

[GUNFIRE]

[SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN]

* You used to say
Live and let live... *

How did it go?

Well, I had
a minor snag.

* If this ever-changing world
In which we live in *

* Makes you give in and cry *

* Say live and let die *

* Live and let die *

* Live and let die *

* Live and let die **

Not bad.

I would've liked
to have gotten in

a double twist
before the blow-up.

Head's up, babe.

[WEAPON FIRE]

Thanks, doll-face.

Any time.

You got any gum?

Put your thumb
in there.

Cherkasov wants to do
the deal on Sunday.

The wedding's on Sunday.

I knew that.

I wouldn't forget
my only son's wedding.

We'll just
have to juggle.

Don't think of it
as a problem.

Think of it as an opportunity
for a solution.

So have you met
the bride's family yet?

No. I'm a little worried
about that.

About what?

Well, the father,
he's a doctor.

You know how they are.

Think they're better
than all the rest of us.

He's probably a brain surgeon
or something.

I need you to listen to me
carefully now,

because it's getting
very, very serious.

All right.

The fungus on your toes
is coming back.

Are you putting
the powder in your shoes?

Are you using
the cream at night?

Sometimes.

If a piano
was falling on your head,

you move out of the way
"sometimes"?

It's a fungus.
I wasn't worried.

Start worrying!

It doesn't hurt
to worry.

Dr. Peyser,
your daughter's here.

Oh.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Daddy.

Hi, sweetie.

What did you want?

The Mortons are bringing
their children now.

You know their
eight-year-old, Irwin?

Yeah?

He has a shoe fetish,

so I have them at the table

with Uncle Bernie
and Aunt Thelma,

but I think
this is a problem.

Thelma was beaten up
in a shoe store.

My God.

So I don't want
to put them together,

so I'm going to move
Bernie and Thelma

to the 12-step table.

Fine. Whatever.
Whatever you want, Dad.

I just don't want you

to get too anxious
about the seating chart.

No, I'm fine.

I just want
the best wedding in the world,

I know.

And Marc's only requirement

is that his parents
are at separate tables,

facing away from each other,
and out of earshot.

Uh-huh.

Don't forget, his dad's
coming over at 7:00 tonight.

Yeah, I'll believe that
when I see it.

Marc swears
he'll be there this time.

Well, I'm making a veal.

Nice, Dad.

Okay, I'll sign off on this
and fax it to the new caterer,

and we're done.

The "new" caterer?

Yeah, you knew that.

Daddy, you fired
another caterer?

They weren't caterers.

It was a man and his wife
and lettuce.

Okay, that's fine.

I didn't even want a caterer.

I just wanted six people
and a beach, but...

Melissa,
this is what you want.

This is the wedding
you'll remember.

You're right.

Thank you, Dad.

Bye.

Get the beach
out of your head.

It's overrated.

You'll be standing there
in front of an E-coli sign.

[ALARM]

Aw, shit.

We've got to fire
number one again.

Got any halon left?

Barely.

We're losing altitude.

We're coming up
on Nova Scotia.

Where do we stand
with Thibodoux?

You're meeting with his person
tonight in Chicago.

I can't meet tonight.
I've got the in-laws for dinner.

I've blown them off
three times already.

I can meet
with Thibodoux's person

and you can do
the parent thing.

No, no, no.
You're not ready yet.

Always the bridesmaid,
never the bride.

Who got you into this business?

I taught you
everything you know.

When you're ready,
you can take the lead.

I'll figure it out
tonight.

I'll just...improvise.

Okay, here we go.

Mayday, mayday.

Lear
Niner-Whiskey-Mike

approaching Cape Breton.

* It's now or never *

* Come hold me tight *

* Kiss me, my darling *

* Be mine tonight *

* Tomorrow
Will be too late... **

And this is when
Melissa went bungee jumping.

She's so crazy.

Is that my dad?

No.

Your father seems to be
working all the time.

I had no idea

selling Xerox machines
was so demanding.

Oh, it's a wild ride, yeah,
but he loves it.

I have an announcement to make.

The glaze on the veal
is now a laminate.

It's like a plastic jacket.

He doesn't
usually cook.

He can't handle
the pressure.

I'd just like to know
what day we're going to eat.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

He's here.

Here we go.

I am sorry.
I am so sorry.

My apologies.

Engine trouble.

Mea culpa. Mea culpa.

The 10th--

Are you Katherine?

Oh, my God. Marc said
you were gorgeous,

but he didn't
do you justice.

Come here, come here.

Oh, thank you.

Hello, beautiful.
How are you?

Good. Good to see you.

Hiya, buddy.
Sorry. Business.

Is she here?

No. She'll be
at the rehearsal dinner.

Okay. Good.

Boy, do you have

a beautiful house here.

[SNIFFS]

What is that, veal jerky?

We passed jerky
about an hour ago.

Oh...

this has got to be
the doctor.

Come here.
That's all right.

Oh, come here.
Come on.

I don't like this.

Okay.

Well, thank you, Jer.

I don't need your watch.

I've already got my own,
right here.

What are you talking about?

How did you do that?

I love magic tricks!

Good stuff, huh?
That's so cool!

Breaks the ice
a little bit, huh?

Gets that party going!

All right.
Well, that's very entertaining.

Yeah, Dad,

does he get
the watch back?

Of course he's going
to get the watch back.

I just feel terrible
about the meal,

so dinner is on me!

He who is tardy
pays for the party, okay?

Jer, Katherine, what
do you feel like, ethnic food?

How ethnic?

This place is going
to knock your socks off!

Just go on, I'll meet
you inside, okay?

Okay, Dad, can I just
have a second here?

At least the dog
looks fresh.

Just relax, honey.

The whole schmoozy
salesman thing?

Yeah, how's that playing?

Let's just take it
down a notch.

Yeah, okay, I got you.
Thanks.

Good evening
and welcome to Quan Lee.

Table for five?

Are you full tonight?

Expecting to be any moment, sir.

Hey! Hey!

Oh, Quan!

[CONVERSING IN VIETNAMESE]

This is Quan Lee.

He's the owner
of the place here.

[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]

Quan Lee and I did
some copy-related work

in Vietnam together.

Katherine, why don't you
sit over here?

He had a copier

with a paper slot
that was choked with paper.

So I destroyed the copier.

Dad's always got great stories.

Hey, Bia Hoi!
Bia Hoi! Bia Hoi!

Bia Hoi!

Bia Hoi! Huh?

Bia Hoi!
Bia Hoi.

Tastes like beer,
but it's got an incredible buzz.

Man, this guy
gets around.

He's chased across Prague
by Interpol in the morning,

and has dinner with
U.S. contacts that night.

So have you ever
been to Vietnam?

No, but we hear
it's lovely.

Jerry prefers
to stay in one place.

He had an anxiety attack

watching an airline
commercial once.

Honey, I did not have
an anxiety attack,

and if I remember
correctly,

that airline
is now out of business,

so thank you very much.

Jer, I'm with you.

I like to be in control.

I like to be right there
in the driver's seat.

In which case, pray
you're not a passenger.

Marc doesn't like
the way I drive.

I mean, am I wrong?

I look at traffic signals
sort of as a suggestion.

Well, in that case,
you would be wrong.

He would.

Who's that?

Which one?

The guy on the left.

Just a sec.

You got him?

I've got no ID.

He could be deep cover.

Menus.

Would you like me to bring you
some arm extenders with that,

Mr. Steve?

No, I'm fine, thank you.
I'm just, uh...

I'm stretching.

We'll have
the house special, please.

Excellent.

Extra hot. Let me check
and make sure they do it right.

Well, whatever
you bring extra hot,

bring a mild too...

or eggs!

Can we hold this off
for about two hours?

I have to wire my employer
in 30 minutes.

Hey, Jer,
wait till you see this special.

You are going to flip out.

We're very excited.

Jer, you all right?

You haven't even
touched your food.

My food is still eating.

Well, I think it's time
for a toast.

Hear, hear.

Marc,

buddy...

seems like, you know, yesterday
you were just starting school,

and...

What was the name
of that school?

Horton?

Horton. Horton, yeah.

Sorry.

I should have gotten there
a little more often, but...

Look at you now,
out of law school...

working with a brand new firm,

about to marry
this beautiful girl.

Where did the time go, man?

I got to go to the john.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Cheers.
Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, you haven't even tasted it.

Have you seen
the Discovery Channel?

This is one of the stars.

I might as well eat
Barbara Walters.

I'm going to the bathroom.

I don't like
to be kept waiting.

You know we're hot.

If we're going to do this,
we have to do it now.

Take it out.

Should I put it in?

I'll do it.

Well, well.
Good old Olga.

She's in pretty good shape
for a 20-year-old runaway.

Where is she
exactly?

I'll tell you
when I get the money.

Bring the proof
to Monsieur Thibodoux.

I'll wire him now
and tell him you check out.

I'm not going to France.
I just came back from Europe.

I'm barely adjusted
to the time change.

This deal has got to go down
by Sunday.

You are not serious

about brokering
a deal for Olga.

I am serious--

[BANGING DOOR]

Hey, Jer...

You're not a stall-peeper,
are you?

No. No.

Because they got a website
for guys like you, you know,

I think you ought
to take it online.

Actually,
I dropped a quarter and...

It's not in there?

No.

I don't need it.
I'm all right.

Yeah, could
I do this alone?

You're not centered.

Would you mind?

It's too close for me.

I have a shy bladder.

Oh, great.

Talk to me
on day six.

Hey, Jer,
you still here?

Oh, you got that
shy bladder-thing, huh?

Well, that's
pretty common.

Buddy, you mind?

My friend here
is trying to take a pee--

Well, well.
What do we have here?

I'll come back.

No, you stay
where you are, Jer.

This man's
just about to leave.

Excuse me.

What is this?

Next time I see a woman
in the men's room,

I'm calling
management, all right?

Can you believe this?

MAN: Doug?

That's it.
We're going home.

The wedding is off!

What? Dad, what are you
talking about?

Jerry, what happened?

He just beat up a guy
in the bathroom,

and he wasn't even going
to the bathroom in the bathroom!

Dad, you're going insane!

Yeah, I'm already there.

I got it.

Ooh, an unconscious person.

You must be working.

The first thing I noticed
about the guy is he supinates!

So?

Well, why would his shoes
show medial heel erosion?

Only pronators
have that!

Never mind.
It's technical.

Marc is a wonderful guy...

but this is too much
for me to handle.

Fine! Don't marry Marc. I will.

Jerry...

Don't "Jerry" me now.
Let's go.

Oh, Sweetheart--

Honey, let's go.
Let's go.

Now.

Mom!

I tried to push this--

It's bad enough that you
screwed up your personal life.

I'm not going to let you
screw up mine.

Listen,
I'll make this up to you.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, you listen.

Don't apologize to me.
Apologize to them.

You fix this.
You fix this.

Okay.

I hear you.

I'm sorry
about my father.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry
about my father.

Here.

Thanks.

I have an idea.

Yeah?

Let's you and me leave
town immediately.

Let's escape our wedding.

There's no escape.

Really?

Really.

Isn't this supposed
to be about us?

Oh, sweet, funny,
whimsical Melissa.

Weddings aren't about
the bride and groom.

Oh...

[CAR SCREECHES TO A HALT]

Hurry up! He's inside!

Let's move! Go!

[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]

Move!
Hey, hey, hey.

Get that out!

Now, some doctors
like to operate,

but I believe in exhausting all
non-surgical techniques first.

This gentleman, however,
will need surgery.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.
That was my fault.

I should have told
you that privately.

It slipped out.

It's not a big deal.

At worst,
you'd lose a toe.

Oh, my God.

That rarely happens.

All right, gorgeous,

you arrange
for the plane,

and I'll be right back.

Are you sure about this?

We've got the FBI on us
like trailer trash on Velveeta.

Yeah.

No, I promised Marc.

Besides,
I owe the guy an apology.

Okay, guys,

let's try and keep
a low profile.

Since we're talking about
the sesamoid bones,

let's see their role
in the deformity

anatomically known
as hallux abducto valgus

or what? The...

Bunion.

The bunion--

What are you doing here?

Listen to you.
You're Mr. Medical Authority.

I asked you on the telephone
not to come here.

I don't want to see you again.

I just wanted to apologize

and make sure that you don't
have any problem with me

that would interfere
with the wedding.

There's not going to be
a wedding.

Would you like us
to step outside, sir?

No, I wouldn't.

Do you know

what a remarkable
teacher you have here?

This man was chosen

Chicago's Podiatrist
of the Year

three years in a row!

So let's give him
a hand, huh?

Would you please leave
right now?

Five minutes, a cup of coffee.

I just want to iron out
a couple of things.

If I give you five minutes,
will you leave me alone forever?

Of course I will.

I need five minutes.
All right?

Just relax.
I'll be right back.

[WHISPERS]: Thank you.

This is where I work.

I don't bother you

when you're
in the bathroom

with your hookers.

What are you
talking about?

Oh, please. Olga,
the 20-year-old runaway.

What are you doing?

No more magic tricks.

No. No, Jer, Jer,
you don't want to--

Thank you.

[ALARM SOUNDING]

What happened?
What is that?

You! Freeze!

What? What happened?

I said, freeze!

How'd it go?

Patch things up with the family?

Well...not really.

Watch your head, sir.

You took my picture?

Jerome Allen Peyser,
200 Rector Place.

Subject was apprehended

in possession of 9.4 ml
of fissile nuclear waste.

Fissile what?
Yeah, right.

Next you're going to tell me
you've never heard of Olga.

The 20-year-old runaway.

Hey, I don't know
what that means.

I overheard it.

Listen, I'm a foot doctor.

Mm-hmm.

I want a name. What's your name?
I want names!

Hutchins!

Now I get to ask a question.

Where'd you get
that canister from?

This man?

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

That's him!

That's the guy!

That's who I got it from!

The homeless guy?

Great. An arms dealer
and a smart-ass!

Arms dealer?
What happened to pimp?

Fine, you're a pimp too.

No, I'm nothing!

It's him!

Who?

The meter maid is the hostess!

Nobody is who they are here.

It sounds you're tripping
on drugs, pal.

Look, he's talking to me!

Hi there.

I think I breathed a little.

God, don't be
such a pussy.

Don't call me a pussy.

You just made me radioactive

with your fissile
nuclear waste in my pocket!

Bet you never said
that sentence before

in your life, Jer.

Of course, because I don't even
know what it means!

Some things
you shouldn't know.

You probably gave me
leukemia!

You're going to be fine.
Hop in.

I'm not hopping anywhere
with you.

Jer, we are family,

and don't make me do something
I don't want to do.

We're not family.

There's not going
to be a marr--

I'm going! I'm going!

Now, you hold on tight.

Tight? It's a Cushman.
It goes five miles an hour.

Not this one.

Whoa! Slow down!

So, listen, while
I've got you here,

I just want to tell you

I'm so sorry I had to
drag you through all this.

Okay, wait a minute!

Is that a fanny pack?

Yes.

[GIGGLES]

What's so funny?

Hey, there's a taxi!
Oh, my God!

Whoo!

This isn't funny!
There's a girl!

Stop this!

Stop the little thing!

Jer, I'm worried
about you.

You just don't
look good.

Let me get you
a glass of water.

So what's the plane situation?

Am I going make it
to Thibodoux's in time or not?

It shouldn't be
a problem.

You have tailwinds
over the East coast.

He's expecting you
at 3:00.

You want me with you there,
I can rejig.

Here you go, Jer.

No, I need you here.

I want to make sure Cherkasov
is okay with the Chicago drop.

Jer! Jer,
don't go there, Jer.

You're really going
to have to work

on your listening skills.

Mr. Xerox.

Well, a great supply of copiers
you have here.

I like the one
shaped like a rocket launcher.

Does it collate?

Is that a fanny pack?

It's cute, isn't it?

It's adorable.

Yeah, it's a fanny pack.

I'm a doctor, something you know
nothing about.

I'm riveted. Go on.

I have a phone in here,
and a pager,

and Lorna Doone's
in case I get hungry...

and I also have
a personal attack alarm,

and if you come near me again,
I'm going to use it!

She hit me!

[BLARES ATTACK ALARM]

Did you like it?

What is wrong with you?

Something's really wrong.

So just tell me what you are.

You're a smuggler, a pimp?
You deal in Russian runaways?

Yeah, well,
all those things and more.

We are deep undercover.

We're the CIA.

Great...

Now we have to kill him.

Ang, enough already.

Fine...

I'm going to go salvage
what's left of my personal life.

I don't believe
anything you're saying.

Well, maybe it's better
that way.

The one thing you should know
is that we are the good guys.

Okay, well, look,
I didn't see anything.

I'll never tell a soul,
so take me home, and I'm done.

We'll talk about it
on the plane.

I don't fly.
There's no plane.

Doctor, do you know
what a roofie is?

Yeah, I know what a roofie is.

Frat boys give them to girls
at parties.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, don't rape me.

Hello?

[FRENCH RADIO TRAFFIC]

[SCREAMING]

Hey, Jer?

We're on a plane!

Yes, we are,

and you're doing quite well,
I might add.

I'm making myself an omelet.
You hungry?

I feel sick.

Hey, how'd that stuff work out
that I put in your drink?

Gives a hell of a kick,
doesn't it?

People say

they wake up so refreshed.

You gave me a roofie.

There's nobody flying!

No. Gulfstream 5,
top of the line.

This baby flies itself.

This one, I think,

belongs to Barbra Streisand.

What kind of omelet fillings
do you want?

You stole
Barbra Streisand's plane?

I borrowed it, all right?

It's not like we're going
to the Bahamas or anything.

I mean, this is
official business.

I'm going to throw up!

The bathroom's right behind me.

You know, I'm really
proud of you, Jerry.

You know I think you've really
conquered this flying thing.

You're my hero.

[MUZAK VERSION
OF "THE WAY WE WERE" PLAYING]

You have dialed
an invalid country code.

Marc is such a wonderful guy...

And you are so lucky.

I'm going to get so drunk!

Whoo!

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

I'm totally fine!

I fall all the time, you guys.

I fall every day.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Marc?

Melissa, it's your father.

Dad?
Honey?

Dad, I can't hear anything.

You're breaking up.

Jerry?

Katherine, I am in the bathroom
of Barbra Streisand's airplane.

Steve is taking me to France.

Honey, your father's
going to France

with Barbra Streisand!

What?

Babs!

I'm not going to France
with Barbra Streisand.

So what's she like?
Is she nice?

She's not here.

I love
Barbra Streisand.

They're taking me
against my will!

Jerry, this doesn't make
any sense at all.

These things don't have
to make sense, Katherine.

Call everyone.

All the authorities.

Do it now!

Is Melissa okay?

She said something to me
in the office.

I'm worried about her.
Put her back on the phone.

Wh--Jerry?

Yeah?

Hey, Jer, you fall in?

Yeah, I did.
I fell in.

I'll be out
in a minute.

Hello? Hello?

[TURNS OFF PHONE WITH BEEP]

Mom, can you come here
for a minute?

Oh, no. This is about
the tax return, isn't it?

You ever been to France, Jer?

No.

I think we're flying
way too low.

Well, we've got
to stay under the radar.

It makes things
a little less...

complicated.

Yeah, but this is
just too low.

So let me tell you about
this guy we're going to see.

His name is
Jean-Pierre Thibodoux.

Now, he is a smuggler
of the worst kind,

but not to worry, all right?

We're just going
in and out.

Got to pick up a $170 million,

hopefully broker a deal

where I can, you know,
bust both buyer and seller,

put them in jail.

You're getting a $170 million?

Yeah, it's chump-change
for a guy like that.

Once he's got Olga...

he can control
the black market

in the U.S., Russia,
and the Middle East.

So everybody wants
this Olga.

Mm.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.
What's this shaking?

What is that?

That's too much!

Oh, Jer...

do you know anything
about flying a G-Five?

That's not funny!

No, I'm serious, Jer.

There's something
wrong here!

[ALERT BUZZER SOUNDING]

What are you doing?
Why are you banging that?

Do you know how you put
the landing gear down in this?

You don't know
where the landing gear is?

How can you not know that?

I got you so good,
didn't I, Jer?

You son-of-a--

[HONKING]

My husband couldn't possibly
be buying a--

Could you please repeat that?

A stealth nuclear
submarine,

missing since 1998.

The commander of the fleet,
one Alexei Cherkasov,

now a kingpin
with the Russian mob,

has been selling off
stolen military equipment.

This is
his big-ticket item,

and we found a sample
of her fissile nuclear waste

in your husband's possession.

Fissile nuclear-what?

Each submarine emits
a kind of radioactive waste,

which bears a unique imprint
to that particular sub,

a proof of possession,
if you will.

You guys, my dad wouldn't
buy a Russian sub.

I mean, he won't even
buy a foreign car.

Place is clean.

Thank you.

We'll be in touch.

Guys, let's go.

When I opened the door,

I thought
they were strippers!

So I'm in France
because of submarine piss.

Yeah, it's
nutty, isn't it?

Think what
you'll be able

to tell your
grandchildren.

Of course, you'll be
sworn to secrecy,

so you won't be
able to, but...

Bonjour.

Who're these guys?

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Hi. How are you?
Nice hair.

I don't understand
something.

Why would
a smuggler want a--

Large, armed, virtually
undetectable transport vehicle?

Right.

He moves drugs,
munitions, everything.

World falls apart,
this guy makes a fortune.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

I see a lot of guns.

Did you ever think

it's because you want
to see the guns, Jer?

I mean, I look around,

I see birds, flowers,
beautiful girls.

The cup is half full.

You know,
you've got to stop,

smell the roses.

Arms up.

Please be careful.
I have very sensitive underarms.

I just don't...

Don't do that, please.
Please!

Fanny pack?

[LAUGHING]

By the way, this fanny pack
comes from France.

Take a good look, boys.

I've been known
to shoot tranq-darts

from my knees.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Look at you.

You're just
an old guy

pretending to be
a little kid.

Knee brace...

The brace is for getting through
metal detectors.

Distracts them
from the knife in my shoe.

Steven!

Jean-Pierre!

Come on.

One little thing
I almost forgot,

you know,
I've been known

to travel with
some dangerous types,

so he might think

that you're
an arms dealer, you know,

or a deadly assassin,

so you just
play along with it.

What?

Just play along
at being a deadly ass--

Silent, but deadly.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

But we must hold
our introduction.

Please,

gentlemen, walk with me.

This man was caught
stealing from me.

Now, were this one year ago,
I would torture him to death,

but, I have made
some personal growth.

You notice it, right?

You know, I noticed right
off the bat, Jean-Pierre.

Yeah, well, I'm calmer now.
I am more centered.

I spent some time
with Deepak Chopra.

He wrote Molecules of Emotion

and Natural Healing
for Anxiety and Depression.

I have learned how to forgive.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

M. Thibodoux,

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

[WHISPERS]

Run for your life!

I know I need to do
more work on myself.

You're doing
great, J.P.

I did not get your name.

Jerry.

You don't know who this guy is?
No.

[WHISPERS]:
The Fat Cobra.

Well, I am honored.

And I hope we shall
get to know each other better.

Follow me.

Exactly who am I?

A legendary crime leader

known only
as the "Fat Cobra."

"Fat Cobra"?

Mm-hmm.

So what does that
refer to?

A snake? Slithery?
Venomous? What?

No, not exactly.

It refers to...

Oh. Shit.

Bon.

Your contact will meet
the seller in Chicago on Sunday.

Then he'll give him
Olga's location.

It was Nova Scotia on Wednesday.

It's Chicago on Sunday.

What do you want
from me?

I'm the middleman here.

170 in cash
and bearer bonds,

but I don't usually
hand over cash

before first seeing
the merchandise.

J.P., who gave you
the rocket launchers

last month on credit?

How long have we known
each other? Years!

All right. I trust you.

Besides, if you try to screw me,

I will kill you
and everyone you've ever met.

That's great, huh?

That's great--
Oh, shit, that knee.

So you want to wait here
while I count the money,

or you two
want to take a walk?

We'll wait here.

No!

I would love nothing more

than to share a drink
with the legendary Fat Cobra.

Those mosquitoes are bad
this time of year.

So you're buying
a submarine.

Well, that'll be nice.

Wonderful.

Now, I can take
anything anywhere.

Cocaine,
nuclear devices.

Whatever you want,
I will move it.

That's terrific.

We just got
another Towne Car.

Please make yourself
comfortable.

Okay, we're going
to lay here together...

[WHISPERS]: Thank you.

To Fat Cobra...

In the flesh.

So tell me...

How many kills do you have?

Kills?

Six.

Six only?

Since Christmas.

People think we are insane.

They don't know the joy
of holding a man's beating heart

in the palm of your hand.

Oh, that's a good feeling.

Let's take a walk.

No, I walked
too much today.

Besides, I have
a little pain,

here behind my ankle.

Let me take a look at it.

What do you mean?

I'm a foot person.

Just like me.

All right,
tell me something here.

Is it tender
right there?

Yes!

You have plantar fasciitis
in the heel.

You should go soak that.

Did you say "soak"?

[***]

Voila.

I didn't mean
soak the whole body.

I'll grab a bathing suit.

Which would you like,
American or French?

Soviet.

I'll be right back.

Psst!

I'm going to kill you.
Kill you.

That's great, Jerry.

You're getting into character.

I got to download
his client list,

find out what he's smuggling,
and where it's traveling to,

so keep him looking
the other way!

Fat Cobra?

Did you hear what he's
calling me? Fat Cobra?

Ah...

Listen...

I have to talk to you.

No, hey!

I can't go in there with you,
but I'm happy to watch.

Why?

It's-- I have
a childhood problem, disease.

Sort of rare.

I-- I am not waterproof.
My skin will let in water.

I can't be in
a situation where...

I submerse myself.

So as a child,
I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't even play
with a hose.

You know
the Slip 'n Slides?

Yeah.

I couldn't have that.

No. No.

And even sno-cones.

But anyway,

if I got in there
and it happened,

then I could
really get sick.

In other words,
what would happen

is the water goes

all the way
through the skin...

because I got a--

I got what
they call "wet bone."

I'm curious to know
more about "wet bone."

Well, the money's
all there!

You okay?

You're looking
a little dizzy.

I'm married.

You're married?

Yeah, I'm married.

Well, actually,
we're separated.

Okay, I killed her.

Well, my wife is still
very much alive.

It's very nice
to have a wife.

But as a man,

there are certain things

I can only do
with other men.

Like golf?

No, I am not gay!

It's just, occasionally,

I need the company of a man.

Just because I'm big,
it doesn't mean I'm easy.

Wow.

Excuse me.
I don't want to interrupt.

I wanted to tell you
the money's good,

I talked
to the supplier,

and he'll be there on Sunday.

Would you guys like me to go?

No! We're done!

That was a good soak,
and I thank you very much.

[SINGING
IN THE SHOWER]

WOMAN: Bonjour?

Bonjour.
Oui?

The international operator.
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

Could you hold, please?

Peyser is on line one.

He's crazed.

Something about Steve Tobias

and the Fat Cobra.

Mr. Peyser?

It's Dr. Peyser!

You are in trouble.

Where you calling from?

How could I be in trouble?
I didn't do anything!

Steve Tobias gave me
that-- that--

fissile waste!

Did you say Steve Tobias?

Yes.

He's one of
you guys, right?

Mr. Peyser, this is the FBI.

Tobias was with the CIA,
but he was let go.

He's a rogue agent.

What does that mean?

He went bad.

He's mentally unstable
and extremely dangerous!

And what's this
about the Fat Cobra?

Please, I'm innocent.

Why don't you come tonight?

We're going to be in Chicago
at 8:00

at the Marriott Marquis.

We're in the Eleanor Roosevelt
Function Room.

There's no Eleanor Roosevelt
Function Room at that hotel.

One of the Roosevelts!

Who you talking to?

Just an operator. Nobody.

Are you lying to me, Jer?

Because that'll upset me.
You don't want to upset me.

No, no. No, I don't.

Good.

So let's
get going, huh?

Last one to the plane's

going to take a 170 mil
through Customs.

I'm used to dealing
with Dr. Peyser, okay?

What do you have to do
with this affair?

Nothing. I'm the bride.

Congratulations.

Now, what do you want me to do
with the spray of freesia?

Buddy, I'll show you

where you can put
the spray of freesia. Okay?

Gloria, what'd you do

with the table card
seat assignment thingies?

What thingies?

I'm a little muzzy.

I think the devil's
playing drums in my head.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

That better be my dad.

"Streisand. Private."

That would be me.
Yeah.

Where are you? Melissa's just
really freaking out,

and her dad's not even here,

and he's the one
who planned the whole thing.

No, he's right here.

He's fine.

Listen, buddy,

I want to give you
the heads-up on something.

We've changed the location
of the rehearsal dinner.

We're going to meet you
at the Signature Room

at the Hancock Tower
instead of the Marriott.

You moved the rehearsal dinner?

Well, the Hancock Tower
owed us a favor,

and they'll set us up
really nice.

If you get there before I do,
and there's any kind of problem,

you ask for Artie.

Reference
the Alabaster incident.

He'll know exactly what
you're talking about.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry about this, buddy,
but it's important.

And this isn't?

You've got to trust me
on this, all right?

Have I ever let you down?

Well, as a matter of fact...

Don't answer that.

I'll make it up to you.

What was the name of that song
you guys sung

at that karaoke club
on your first date?

What?

"Get Down Tonight"
by K.C. and the Sunshine Band.

Why?

I was just curious.

I'll talk to you later.

Super.

Oh, my God.

So you went
and called the FBI.

I know all about you now.

You're a liar.

You lie about everything.

I did not lie to you, Jer.

I do not lie to family.

Don't call me family!

We're not family!

He did what?

It's fine.

He switches things around
sometimes for his work.

How could he just
go and do that?

Because
he's Steve Tobias,

and Steve Tobias is
an emotional fascist,

but I'd like
to say something.

Just because
I hate Marc's father...

it's not going
to be uncomfortable

here at the wedding.

Hello, everyone!

Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi, honey.

Oh, I'm so happy
to be here,

and I'm so proud of you.

And finally...

the daughter I never had.

You complete me.

You know, Marc was
supposed to be a girl.

Oh! And this is Po Po.

Po Po?

Hi.

He's doing the ceremony
with the rabbi!

He is?

[***]

The Signature Room?

What happened to the Marriott?

It's closer
to the ground.

Come on.

The Signature Room.

I've always wanted
to come here,

but Jerry gets vertigo.

Thank you so much
for the surprise.

This would be
Steve's doing.

He doesn't have a soul,

so he has to compensate

by making
extravagant gestures.

Well, marriage
is difficult.

But we had fantastic sex.

Fantastic, angry,
crazy, crazy, crazy sex.

[DING]

We're here.

My God.

Your dad must sell
a lot of toner.

Roosevelt! This is it!

[COUGHING]

Freeze!

Hey.

What's up?

Got Carlucci! He found them.

They're over
at the Hancock Tower.

Peyser set us up!
Son of a bitch!

I want the whole unit regrouped
downstairs in two minutes!

Let's go!

You're doing great, Jer!

First, an airplane,

now one of the tallest
buildings in the world!

I'm proud of you.

Has the elevator stopped?

It's too high!

Here, please.

Water.

What's this?

My collapsible cup.

You're a piece of work, Jer.

If it's tap water,
let it run at least 20 seconds!

Melissa! Melissa!

Daddy, where the hell
have you been?

You plan this whole thing
without me,

and then you disappear
when it's coming together!

I don't know anyone here!

Honey, I'm sorry.
I went to France.

It wasn't my fault.

I just want everything
to be wonderful, that's all.

Hi!

Are you having
a good time, at least?

I'm trying to.

WOMEN: Shots, shots,
shots, shots, shots!

Are you okay?
No!

The FBI
came to the house!

It's Steve!
I talked to them.

He's a rogue agent.

He's unstable!

Who?
Steve.

He's a rogue Xerox agent?

No, no! CIA!

I'm lucky to be here.

I had a roofie!
I was on a plane!

That's right, you flew!

I did. I did fly!

Isn't that something?

The thing is,
you've got to go private.

Yeah?

[SIRENS WAILING]

Oh, God.

Oh, there you are.

Judy, Judy, Judy!

How are you?

You look great.

It's the work
at the ashram.

Ah.

And the therapy.

Really?

And the several powerful
prescription drugs.

I'm kidding
about the drugs.

Or am I?

At any rate,

let's give ourselves

permission to be honest
with each other...

so that we can have
some closure this weekend.

Let's not.

Question--

Why do you enjoy
moving rehearsal dinners

and having everyone hate you?

Another question--

On your birthday,

why do you always
end up in the bathtub

in the fetal position
clutching a firearm?

Oh, and one more--

Why did you always

weep like a little girl
during orgasm?

Answer to all of the above--

Fear of intimacy!

Judy...

You're heading for
a crash, Steve Tobias,

into a mountain
called self-awareness.

You have been running away
from yourself your whole life.

No, I have not.
I've been running away from you!

Because I'm the only one
that's got your number!

[HUMMING]

Let's go! Hurry.

Well, you're here,
and you seem fine.

I seem fine?

Have you heard nothing?

What, am I not
talking English?

This is fine to you?

Hey, Katherine, hi.

Hi, Steve.

Get away from me.

I brought you your water.

Okay, thanks.

Come on, let's go.
No, I--

Get help!
Get some help!

Let's do it!

What the hell is this?

I said, "Signature Room!"

I did! I swear!
Top floor.

Look, there are
only three buttons.

Signature Room!

Is this not
a beautiful evening?

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

Well, I stand before
you this evening

as a very,
very happy man.

Not only has the Almighty
seen fit

to provide me with
a beautiful new daughter...

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

And I am blessed with
this man here on my left.

A man who has given
so much to so many.

A man who has a taste
for adventure...

This is your father, right?

My dad?

Who is willing to try
new things...

[DING]

Damn it!

Let's take the stairs! Now!

But most importantly,

a man who I know

will always be
close in my heart.

A man who I--

He is mentally ill!

[LAUGHING]

No, I mean it,
he's dangerous!

Listen, he gave me
a roofie!

He took me on
a plane to France!

[LAUGHING]

Yeah! I took him
to France!

Oui, oui, oui, oui.

Stop it!
He's a rogue agent!

He works for
the other side!

Call somebody!

Enough of the hearts
and flowers, huh?

We're here to have
a good time, right?

Here we go!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome
K.C. and the Sunshine Band!

Oh, my God.

* Baby, babe
Let's get together... *

Honey, this is the song
we sang on our first date!

* And do the things *

* Oh, do the things *

* That we like to do *

* Oh, do a little dance *

* Make a little love *

* Get down tonight *

* Get down tonight *

* Do a little dance *

* Make a little love *

* Get down tonight... *

You are
one slick bastard!

Look, leave me alone!

Find somebody else
to torture!

Okay.

Thank you!

Dr. Peyser.

Agent Hutchins, thank God!

Freeze! You're under arrest.

What are you doing?

Stay where you are, Dr. Peyser.

Or should we call you
"Fat Cobra"?

I'm not the Fat Cobra!

If necessary, shoot to kill.

You got the wrong guy! I'm--

There's 100 guns
pointing at my head!

They think
you're the Fat Cobra.

But you told them.

No, I didn't!

You told them.

No, I didn't!

Melis?

It may not be the best time
to tell you this...

but a couple of years ago,
I slept with Marc,

and I think I'm still
in love with him.

* Oh, do a little dance *

* Make a little love *

* Get down tonight *

* Get down tonight *

What?

* Oh, do a little dance *

* Make a little love *

* Get down tonight... *

Yesterday, I was a respected man
in my community.

Today, they want
to kill me!

My life is ruined!

Jerry, I am sorry
I ruined your life,

but you know what?

This case is my life.

I'm on a roof.

I don't do roofs.

Peyser, down
on the ground!

On the ground now!

Well, buddy,
I guess this is it, huh?

We tried.

Give me a hug.

What, are you crazy?

Fine, I'll hug you.

No! What are you--

Wait!

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Holy Mother of God!

Oh, God!

STEVE: Now, you're going
to feel a slight jerk.

You're so much more
than a slight jerk!

That's not very nice.

Jerry! Jerry,
listen to me.

I need you to keep
your weight centered!

My weight's fine!

Help!

We're fine!

Have a good night!

[PEYSER SCREAMING]

Get control!

Get control,
you shlump!

You're not exactly
helping things, Jer.

Helping how?

Unwrap your legs.

What?
Unwrap your legs!

Unwrap your legs!
All right!

Thank you.

I guess I forgot to take
parachute etiquette

when I went
to medical school!

This isn't fun.

You've got to stop
and smell those roses.

Don't ever use
that expression again!

Ever!

We're about to get
impaled by that!

What the hell is that?

I don't know.
I've always hated it.

Jer?

Hold on to me.
I'll hold on to you!

It's okay. We're down.

Get it off me!

I'm choking!

All right! All right.
We're safe and sound.

We're neither!

We are.

Okay, let's get
the hell out of here.

No, no! I am done!

I'm finished with you!
I mean it!

What do you mean?

When I thought
I was going to die,

you want to know
what image is in my head?

No.

I'm thinking of that look
my daughter gave me up there.

Uh-huh?

I've given her all these things
she doesn't want,

and the one time she needs me,
where am I?

I'm with you!

Something
you should work on, Jer.

What did you say?

I said--

I have to work on that?

The worst father in the universe
is telling me

I got to work
on something?

Do you know
in the last three months

I have spent almost every day
with your kid?

Do you know that?

Have you seen him even once?

Were you even there
for conception?

I bet you mailed your sperm in.

I may be bad, granted,
but you're worse!

Way worse!

And you know
I'm right!

You're way off course,
and what is he doing here?

My least favorite person.

You want to do something
about it, fanny boy?

I do. I really do.

Let's go.

Come on, bring it on!

You want to fight me?
Three rounds.

Let's do it
the right way.

He'll referee, we'll--

It was before
I even met you.

It doesn't bother me

that you went out
with someone

before you met me!

I went out
with other guys!

Yeah, but that's not even--
You went out with other guys?

I've told you
about them,

and that's the thing!

You weren't
as honest with me

as I was with you!

And by the way...

can you just tell me
what your dad really does,

because he's got
a few too many

Prada and Gucci outfits

to be a Xerox salesman!

I can't say.

What?

I mean, I really...

I'm not allowed to say.

He made me vow...

and I gave him my word.

How good is your word?

Okay. I think you're feeling

a little nervous
about the wedding.

Don't tell me what I'm feeling!
My father does that!

* ...I'll come back
To your room again *

* With my carnation
Hidden by the packages *

* I'm carrying something *

* I'm carrying
Something for you... *

So what
are you doing?

Just confirming.

Cherkasov's
got her in position

five miles offshore.

Thibodoux's guy
is en route,

and they're both set
for a noon exchange time.

I guess I can squeeze it in

between the I do's
and the appetizers.

Unless you think
I'm ready to take the lead.

Excuse me.

That's what I thought.

Always a bridesmaid,
never a bride.

Don't worry,
I'm used to it.

* ...I'm carrying *

* Something for you *

Push everything back.

Meaning what?

The whole exchange.

Cherkasov, Thibodoux,
the money, everything.

Put it off until tomorrow night

when the kids
are on their honeymoon.

I thought you were going to
juggle both. You always do.

Ang, I am tired
of juggling.

Cherkasov and Thibodoux
are not going to like this.

They can kiss my ass.

Fair enough.

Did you get the tuxedos
from the dry cleaners?

I sure did.

What about the pictures?

Jacket pocket.
Anything else?

You look very nice this evening.

Thank you.

Ow.

What are you doing?

I'm just waiting for you,
Mr. Bright-Eyes.

You dressed me?

Yes, I did.

So, Jer, we've got to talk.

I know we've had
our differences,

but our son and daughter
are going to be married,

and, you know,
whether we like it or not,

we're stuck with each other.

Yeah...

So you knocked some sense
into me father-wise,

and I'm going to be
changing my lifestyle.

No more shenanigans.

And I'm not working today.

Does the FBI know about this?

It's not going to be a problem.

This wedding is going to be

as normal
as butter on mashed potatoes.

Come on, let's go.

* Be wise, be smart
Behave, my heart *

* Don't upset... *

Freeze!

Like butter

on mashed potatoes, huh?

That lasted
about 10 minutes.

Jer, just relax.

Hutchins, do you have kids?

I have
a Jack Russell Terrier.

Well, then you'll understand.

You've got to give me two hours.

You're kidding me!

This is my son's wedding.

You can do anything you want
to me afterwards.

You can take me out back,
shoot me, be a hero,

but let me see
my boy get married.

Or...

Hey, hey!

Well, maybe you ought
to just see this.

Where'd you get--

This was in college, man!
I was pledging!

Wow.

Stand down!

That's a big
pair of heels.

Hutch, thanks so much.

Yeah, thank you.

We'll send out
some cake later.

Yeah, we'll be right here!

That was fun!

Yeah. Blackmail.
It's terrific.

Jerry!
Uncle Ben!

Mazeltov!
Thanks.

Where's Marc
and Melissa?

Where are they?

Where are they?

No, I don't know.
Where are they?

I don't know.
Where are they?

Ben, I'm asking you.
I'm asking you.

All right, stop!

We're turning into
Abbott and Costello.

I'm sure they're here.

Dr. Peyser.

How are you, Rabbi?

I notice we're already
behind schedule,

and I do have two other
ceremonies this afternoon.

That Buddhist monk--

That was not my idea.

What's wrong with him?

He's an idiot.

Okay, well,
let me talk to him.

Thank you.

I don't know
one person here!

Not one person.

That's right, because
it's not an arms convention.

Talk to these guys.

Hey, guys!

Who are you?

Marc's frat brothers.
Who are you?

I'm Marc's dad!

No, seriously?

Marc never mentioned
he had a dad.

Like, not ever.

Well, I'm traveling a lot.

I assumed that you were
dead or in jail.

Me too.

Fuck you very much
and have another beer.

Thank a lot.

Mr. Monk...

if you two
can't work this out,

the planet is doomed!

What can I do?

Just talk to her.

Excuse me, Dr. Peyser!

Gloria from before.

Yeah, I know you.
Hi, Gloria.

Have you seen Melissa?

No, where is she?

I'm a little worried.

I got really wasted last night,

and I did this kind of
My Best Friend's Wedding thing

and told her
I dated Marc one time.

You what?

I think she may have bolted!

So, I thought
you'd like to know

the wedding is off.

Why? What happened?

Marc and Melissa have vanished.
They're not even here.

Jerry, calm down.

It's all going to be all right.

Melissa?

Melissa!

Hey! I'll be right ba--

Melissa...

I know
you're a little stressed out.

Well, so am I.

You know, it's a big day,
and you're confused.

I was confused
on the day I got married.

Obviously.

Anyway, I've never seen Marc
happier in his life,

and I know it's because of you,

and I get down on my knees
and thank the big man up there

for you coming into his life.

To tell you that the second
I saw you, I knew.

You're the best girl
in the world.

Hi, Steve.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing
in that dress?

I won't be
the bridesmaid anymore.

Do you understand?

No! No, not really! No!

"I taught you
everything you know.

When you're ready,
you can take the lead."

Well, I'm ready,
and I'm taking the lead.

I don't want to end up
like you.

No personal life.

A family
that hates you!

I choose happiness!

It's really
a breakthrough for me!

Now, where's the money?

It's in a case in the warehouse.

The case in the warehouse
is empty.

We want the money.

We?

Jesus Christ.

God.

What a lovely setting.

I see your touch
in the decor, no?

I worked with
the designer a little.

Why, it's wonderful.

I was on my way here,
excited about my submarine,

and then
I realized something.

Do you want to know
what it was that I realized?

Sure.

I was more excited
to see you.

Oh.

I cannot get you
out of my mind.

Okay.

I am attracted
to you physically,

which for me
is very strange,

because I find
homosexuality disgusting.

This is a big subject...

and, you know, the wedding,

so I-- I actually have
to find my family.

I'll talk to you later.

I have them.

You what?

What are you
doing in that?

Steven, I see you
have met my partner.

Yeah, you make a...
lovely couple.

So where's Cherkasov?

Dead.

What about Olga?

Steven Tobias,
you son of a bitch!

If we don't die,
I'll kill you!

What the hell
is going on?

Where have
you been?

She's wearing
my dress!

Quiet!

If I give you the money,

will you leave
everybody here unharmed?

Of course.

MAN:
Uh, hi, uh...

since we can't find
the bride and the groom,

we're just going
to open up the bar,

so everybody
have a cocktail!

[CHEERING FROM RECEPTION ROOM]

Oh, that would've
made a great gift.

Now get out.

Are you coming, sweet Cobra?

Daddy, this is weird.

Where you going, Jerry?

I'm sorry, Katherine.

Can I talk to you
alone for one second?

It's about us.

We don't have time
to dilly-dally.

Pull around the boat.

What is it, darling?

What am I to you exactly?
A plaything? Or a toy?

No, no, no, no.

No.

Okay, so let's do this
the right way.

Jean-Pierre,
I love you,

and I want you to be...

my wife!

How's the plantar fasciitis now!

Help!

Jean-Pierre, come on,
we have to go!

Jean-Pierre...

I keep making myself vulnerable.

Focus on revenge.

Revenge...

Well, Steve...

you have ruined
this darling girl's wedding.

No, no. I'm--I'm okay.

No, you're not.

You will carry the scar
of this day until you die.

All right,
I guess I am kind of sad.

Judy, how is this helpful?

Would both of you
please just stop it!

Why don't you give me
a break, huh?

Ooh! I'll break
your neck!

That's good, Marc.
Express your anger!

You want
a piece of me?

Oh, you bet I do!

Here it goes!

Take that!

Oh, my God!

What was that?

The one time my dad showed up
at Cub Scouts,

I earned
a merit badge

in Covert Evasion
Techniques.

What happened?

We broke up.

Oh.

What is that?

That, my friend...

is Olga.

In Lake Michigan?

So much for
homeland security.

Uh-oh.

I'm excited to go
on a submarine!

What was
your name again?

It's Angela.

Ah.

Goodbye, Angela.

What are
you doing?

Taking preventative measures.

To prevent what?

Maybe a torpedo
heading towards the wedding.

What?

Well, I'm going to
come with you.

Sorry, buddy.
It's a one-man job.

You drag me
halfway around the world

when I don't want to!

I want to,
you say "No"?

It's my family too!

I'm going!
You can't stop me!

Wow. Jer.

Get on.

On this?

Oh, jeez...

Okay.

Ah!

What is the plan?

The Juliet Class torpedo

has an acoustic
guidance system.

It tracks whatever's
making the most noise,

so if he pulls
the trigger,

we've got
to divert the torpedo.

Towards what?

Let me rephrase
the question.

What does the torpedo
wind up hitting?

You said
you wanted to help!

Oh, my God, that's
before I knew the plan!

That's a terrible plan!

How you doing?

You doing okay?

Um... Yeah.

You know...

I've got a few...
questions... like...

What the hell is happening?

My father is in the CIA.
He works deep undercover,

and I've spent
my entire life

hiding that fact,
but that's the truth.

I dated a few skanky girls
before I met you.

I don't really like
being a lawyer.

I played with Legos
until I was 17,

and I go to a colorist
because I'm prematurely gray.

It's a rinse.

Really?

You see, I don't want to hide
anything from you anymore,

because I don't care!

All I care about is you!

Marc!
What?

I love you.

What are we doing now?

Why are we turning?

Make noise!

Quiet!

No noise!

Hi!

Wait! Wait!
I've got something...

in my fanny pack!

Look!

I'll never make
a crack again!

Yes, because
we'll be dead!

[BLARES ATTACK ALARM]

[ATTACK ALARM BLARING]

* No matter what you are *

* I will always be with you *

* 'Cause no matter
What you do, girl... *

Oh...

Hold on. Hold on!

I'm going to throw up!

* No matter what you do... *

It's coming at us!

* I will always
Be around *

Boop-ba ba-da
bee-ba ba-da.

* Won't you tell me
What you found, girl-- *

Could you
stop that please?

Touchy.

* Oh, girl, won't you... *

[***]

All in all,
I'm glad I met you!

Me too, buddy!
I mean it!

You're the real thing!

I'm sorry
I called you

the worst father
in the world!

I really
didn't mean it!

Thank you, Jer!

I'm sure there's at least
two or three guys

that are worse!

* If you would give me all *

* As I would give it to you *

* Nothing would be
Nothing would be *

* Nothing would be *

* No matter where you go *

* There will always be a place *

* Doesn't matter
What you do, girl *

* Ooh, girl, you girl
Want you *

* Ooh, girl, you, girl
Want you **

* Raindrops keep falling
On my head *

* And just like the guy *

* Whose feet are too big
For his bed *

* Nothing seems to fit *

* Those raindrops
Are falling on my head *

* They keep falling *

* So I just did me
Some talking to the sun *

* And I said I didn't like
The way he got things done *

* Sleeping on the job *

* Those raindrops
Are falling on my head *

* They keep falling-- *

[SCREAMING]

* But there's one thing
I know... **

Whoo!

That's so awesome!

Marc? Marc? Honey?

Honey? Honey? Are you okay?

Sweetie?
Are you okay?

Yeah, but there's cake
in my shorts.

Oh...

Wait.

We're going to go
freshen up.

Are you guys
all right?

Steve?

We just wanted to let you know

this was the worst wedding
we have ever been to.

You should thank Jerry.

He put it all together.

Thanks for coming.

We've got to do
something about this.

Come on.

I know you've all got
a lot of questions,

but listen up.

I am deep cover CIA,
case number 3924.

Peter Markell's my sole contact
at the Agency.

All right. Well, we're going
to check that out.

You know, you almost
blew my cover a few times,

but I don't want an apology,

because I think I've got a way
that you can make it up.

And do you, Melissa,
take Marc

to be your
wedded husband,

to have
and to hold

from this day
forward,

for better or worse,
for richer or poorer,

in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?

I do.

By the power vested in me,

by the Federal Bureau
of Investigation,

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Mazeltov.

You know
how I run around

and try to
save the world?

Dad, it's okay.

No, no.

What I want you
to know is...

you are my world, Marc.

I'm so proud of you.

Congratulations.

I know we fought
a lot, Judy,

but we must have done
something right.

He's a great kid.

And you're a...
very good mother.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And I still hate you...

But I do have a room
back at the club.

I'm so sorry about the wedding.

What are you talking about?

Daddy, don't you realize?

What?

This is exactly what I wanted.

Six people on a beach.

I love you.

Thank you.

I love you too.

Thanks.

Six people on a beach.

I could have saved a fortune.

Jer, you're going to be fine.

As a matter of fact...

The whole family,
they're going to be just fine.

[SHOUTING]

Ah, Cobra! Fat Cobra!

It's all right, darling!

I forgive you!

Call me!

You know something?

He might actually
like prison.

Like it?

He's going
to love it!

* Oh, oh, oh-oh *

* When you met me, oh-oh *

* Everything was rosy
Ah-ah *

* If you let me, oh-oh *

* Everything must surely
Work out fine *

* If you go, oh-oh *

* Everything that's rosy
Turns to pieces *

* You know, oh-oh *

* Everything will go under
Believe me *

* Where will I run to? *

* Where will I hide? *

* If you ever leave me
By my side *

* Where will I run to? *

* What would I do? *

* I really am, I really can
I really do *

* I really have a love for you *

[***]

* Now, if you get me, oh-oh *

* That could save
A thousand conversations *

* Don't upset me
Oh-oh *

* Everything is cozy
Here tonight *

* If I move, oh-oh *

* You'd be standing by
It would make a difference *

* Is it true, oh-oh *

* Are you coming through
Or were you just leaving? *

* Where will I run to? *

* Where would I hide? *

* If you ever leave me
By my side *

* Where will I run to? *

* Baby, what can I do? *

ANGELA:
Hey!

A little help
would be nice!

Anybody?

* Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
That's right *

* Baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby *

* Baby, baby, baby, baby
Baby, baby, *

* Baby, baby, I do *

* I really have
A love for you, yeah *

* I have a love for you, yeah *

* I have a love for you, yeah *

* I have a love for you, yeah *

* I have a love for you... *

[***]

* We both acknowledge
What we came here for *

* We take each other
And walk through the open door *

* From the first time
That I saw you *

* To the way you look tonight *

* I was shaken by your spirit *

* I was blinded by your light *

* And the world
That I used to see *

* Is gone without a trace *

* Replaced by your eyes
And the smile upon your face *

* And I will not turn away *

* 'Cause you might disappear *

* I was haunted by your heart *

* And I felt
That you were here *

* And funny
When the time is right *

* When lightning strikes *

* You're not alone *

* Baby, I will pray for you
My whole life through *

* This day *

* We'll be together *

* Husband and wife *

* Now and forever *

* The rest of our lives *

* Well, take me to heaven *

* Take me tonight *

* There is nothing
Words can say *

* On this our wedding day *

* Oh, now is the hour *

* Now is the sowing
Of the seed *

* I will take tomorrow *

* I will lay it at your feet *

* And the two of us escape
from the sadness of the world *

* From the thunder
And the darkness *

* From the hunger and the hurt *

* You know I will remember well
The mission bell *

* That rings your name *

* And, baby
There could never be *

* A memory like you *

* We'll be together *

* Husband and wife *

* Now and forever *

* Lovers for life *

* Well, take me to heaven *

* Take me tonight *

* There is nothing
Words can say *

* On this our wedding day *

* This is my pledge to you *

* I will follow through
To the end *

* And we will find
Another plane *

* We'll be home again *

* And tonight
I'm going to find true love *

* True love *

* We'll be together *

* Husband and wife *

* Now and forever *

* Lovers for life *

* Well, take me to heaven *

* Take me tonight *

* There is nothing
Words can say *

* We'll be together *

* Husband and wife *

* Now and forever *

* Lovers for life *

* Well, take me to heaven *

* Take me tonight *

* There is nothing
Words can say *

* On this our wedding day *

* This our wedding day **