All language subtitles for Stealing.Chaplin.720p1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]-English

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The things I do for you.

Excuse me, for me?

Yeah, for you.

Do you happen to have $30,000?

No, I didn't think
so, so keep digging.

Otherwise, the next grave
we're digging is our own.

Okay, I will keep digging.

For you.

That's just childish.

When
you've been in Vegas

for as long as I have, you
think you've seen everything,

but nothing prepared
me for this.

Look at these two idiots.

They think they can
solve all their problems

by digging up the corpse
of Charlie Chaplin

and ransoming it.

Yes, that's right, you
heard me correctly.

Holding a dead body
hostage to ransom it.

God knows to whom.

But let
me catch you up here.

These two are con-men.

They're not very good con-men.

I'm not sure how you fail
at being a petty thief,

but these two are
managing it, nonetheless.

And here's why they
need the money.

Get in.

Whoa, whoa, hey, wait.

Wait.

You've been avoiding
my calls, Cal?

Mr. Evans, thank God.

I thought these were just,

no, we haven't
been avoiding you.

We've been busy earning
money to pay you back.

Then you've got
the full amount.

Not exactly, no.

How short are you?

He's about five
foot two.

Terry, don't.

How much is this debt again?

It's 30 grand, Terry.

In that case, I'm guessing
we're about $29,980 short.

Wait, wait, wait.

It's just a bad joke, Mr. Evans.

Mr. Evans.

No, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait.

Wait please, Mr. Evans, please.

No, no, wait please, please.

Hey, hey, leave him alone.

Okay, okay.

That's my favorite tooth.

Okay look, he's just
an idiot, Mr. Evans.

Please, stop.

Terry, stop.

I don't think your brother

appreciates the gravity
of this situation.

Okay Mr. Evans, I do.

Okay, I do.

I'm gonna get you every
penny of your money.

If you boys don't
get this money pronto,

then I guarantee you'll
both be digging a grave

before the week is out.

Let 'em out.

This isn't over.

What now?

Now we gotta brainstorm.

No distractions, Terry.

We're gonna take this seriously.

You realize until
the late 1860s,

people thought tomatoes
were poisonous.

- No they didn't.
- Yeah they did.

No, they didn't.

In fact, they actually
made their ketchup

out of mushrooms and grapes.

Don't be absurd.

Think about it.

A grape's just like
a tomato in texture.

No it isn't, it's green.

Those who hate grapes.

Is it even ketchup if it
isn't made from tomatoes?

- Well,
- Got you there.

Thank you, very nice.

Oh my, you've got to
love American breakfast.

Stop it.

Look at that, perfectly
even distribution.

Stop it, it's weird.

Stop it, knock it off.

You should try it.

No, thank you.

Just eat your food.

Don't know what
you're missing.

What?

They're cold.

What's cold?

My beans.

Your beans are cold?

Yeah.

Well, mine aren't.

Well good for you, mine are.

Why can't you just eat them?

You what?

Can't you just for once
not be you and just eat them?

What's your problem?

You, you're my problem.

You know that, right?

You eat 'em.

I've got my own.

We'll swap.

I thought yours were cold.

They are.

Then why would
I want cold beans?

That's not the point.

Oh, there's a
point to all this?

- Yeah.
- What is it?

You've made this about me.

- No I didn't.
- Yes you did.

No I didn't.

Refill?

Yes please, uh, no, no.

I'm so sorry.

My brother's beans
appear to be cold.

How are yours?

Mine are lovely,
thank you for asking.

Then how could his be cold?

I said the exact same thing.

Excuse me, I'm
sitting right here.

Oh yes, there you are.

Hey Janice, can
you do another beans?

Apparently, they're cold.

Two beans?

No, one.

The other one's fine.

That doesn't make sense.

That's what I said.

Me, too.

I'm so sorry.

Refill?

Yes, please.

Tell me, what time
do you get off?

Are you kidding?

Uh, no.

Why?

I've just never been hit on

by a priest before, that's all.

But this is Vegas.

But we're not
actually priests.

You look like priests.

We're,

we're chaplains.

Chaplains?

That's right,
we are chaplains.

What's the difference?

Oh, it's a different
denomination.

We're allowed to date priests.

You're allowed
to date priests?

Not we're allowed
to date priests,

I'm aware of how that sounded.

We're, we're allowed to date,

unlike priests who are
not allowed to date.

Anything else?

You understand I'm not gay.

We're not gay.

What's wrong with being gay?

There's nothing
wrong with being gay.

That's not what I was saying.

Yeah, but we can't
be gay, we're brothers.

So, you're not gay
because you're brothers?

No, that's not
why we're not gay.

We're not gay 'cause
we're not gay.

But if we were gay,
we couldn't be together.

Terry, would you,

would you let me handle
this and you can.

I'll just wait for my beans.

There you go.

We don't take him
out much, you know,

but it's part of my sort of
community outreach program,

you know, the older
members of the clergy.

There you go.

Well thank you,
thank you very much.

God bless you.

Oh, God bless you.

What you have to
go and do that for?

What?

Make a scene.

- I didn't.
- You did.

No I didn't, your
beans were cold.

Yeah, but I don't
like to make a fuss.

Well, you didn't make a fuss.

- You did.
- On your behalf,

because your beans were cold.

I was being assertive and manly.

You know, that's
what women like.

I don't need you to
man up for me, Cal.

I wasn't manning
up for you, Terry.

I was manning up for your beans.

They were cold.

Ha, ha, ha.

There you go, hot beans.

Well, thank you.

And there you go.

What's this?

That's my card with my number.

You can call any time.

I'm a night owl,
so really anytime.

Sorry you're smiling.

It's okay to smile.

Much better, thank you.

Oh, no.

What is that she gave you?

Is that her number?

I think it is.

- You're kidding.
- Nope.

I'm gonna eat that up.

We're gonna go
straight to hell.

What are you
talking about, why?

You hit on her
dressed as a priest.

But dressed as a priest

doesn't mean I'm actually
a priest, you idiot.

- Still.
- Still what?

You think that's the
reason we're going to hell?

You have a real
short memory, Terry,

if you think that's why
we're going to hell.

Listen, good luck, mate.

What?

Come here, you.

You what?

I recognize you.

National Leprosy Day, my ass.

When I got home
and told my wife,

her and the kid had
a good laugh at me.

Wear yellow for the lepers?

Give a buck, save an ear?

I look like an idiot.

Where's your friend?

I want my goddamn money back.

No need to get agitated.

Stay right there,
I'm calling the police.

Dial 9-1-1, no one's
going anywhere.

That's not even a real gun.

Sit down!

I said no one's going anywhere.

I'm sure the police
are gonna love to hear

about two con-men
dressed as priests.

Actually, they're chaplains.

Thanks for that.

That wasn't for you.

I can't have people
shooting guns in here.

You should go.

Here, for the
meals and the mess.

Keep the change.

He's not a bad guy, you know.

Him?

Not him, he's a
fucking asshole.

I'm talking about my brother.

Thanks for helping
me out back there.

Terry, it was an incredibly
dangerous scenario.

The man had a gun.

I can't put myself in
that kind of danger.

No shit, Sherlock, I noticed.

So why did they stop thinking
tomatoes were poisonous?

Oh, when they came
back from the Civil War

there was a food shortage.

They'd eat anything.

You're making this up, Terry.

No, for real.

- You are.
- No.

Oh, shit.

Better think fast, Einstein.

- Fancy watching a movie?
- Sure.

I didn't know
it was a musical.

It's not a musical,
it's a silent movie.

I can hear music.

You can't hear any sound.

If I can hear it.

You can't hear
any talking sound.

Music isn't sound.

But music is a sound.

It's a silent movie, Terry.

I don't know what you're,
just shut up and watch it.

Why didn't they let him speak?

He couldn't speak.

He couldn't speak,
he was a mute?

Not a mute, he couldn't speak

'cause there was no
technology to speak.

That's why there's no sound.

That's why it's a silent movie.

But there's music.

I'm sitting in another seat.

Do you think he had a stutter?

Gotta say, he was
really something, wasn't he?

Who?

Charlie Chaplin, Terry.

The guy we just watched.

Who'd you think I was talking
about, Vladimir Putin?

I prefer
Robert Downey, Junior.

What?

You could
hear him in his version.

His version?

Yeah.

His version of the
life of the genius we just saw?

Right.

Terry, there
wouldn't be a version

of the life of the
genius we just saw

if there wasn't a Charlie
Chaplin to begin with.

Of course not.

That wouldn't make
any sense, would it?

You're impossible
sometimes, you know that?

So as you can see,

not exactly criminal
masterminds.

But there's never a shortage
of criminals in Vegas.

You just have to
know where to look.

Thank you, thanks
for sending the car.

It's my pleasure.

Car nice, was the driver nice?

Beautiful.

Your wheels, right?

Yeah, yeah, you're
gonna love this place.

I'm telling you, tonight
you'll be getting

the full VIP treatment.

Can't wait.

Wait 'til you see
this little doll.

Lakshmi.

This is Mr. Evans.

I want you to give him a night

that he'll remember
'til he's 100.

- Mr. Evans.
- Thanks, brother.

I just think Robert Downey,
Junior did him better,

that's all.

Did a better
Chaplin than Chaplin?

Yeah, 'cause we
could hear him.

I mean, I know that's
not fair or anything.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm trimming Bloom,
and then I'm gonna do Bruce.

- Bruce and Bloom?
- Yeah.

- You've named them?
- Why not?

I'm sure I'm gonna
regret this, but why?

Because they respond better
to a loving environment

and conversation, that's why.

I don't know why
you're bothering at all.

It's legal now.

The government doesn't
have shit like this.

These things are
worth a fortune.

Jesus Christ.

What?

I'm one good looking man.

I think it's the beard.

If I could bottle
this and sell it,

we'd have no more
money troubles.

You still wouldn't be
Charlie Chaplin rich.

He was rich, wasn't he?

Even he's not Robert
Downey, Junior rich.

Well then Robert
Downey must have been

a better Chaplin than Chaplin.

Thank you, I knew
you'd have to admit that

sooner rather than later.

The day I'm
corrected by a fucking,

By a, by a, go on.

- No.
- Go on, say it.

No, I told mom I wouldn't.

And in front of
Bloom and Bruce, even.

How dare you?

Did you know that
Chaplin was worth

400 million bucks when he died?

That's a lot of money.

That's a fuck load of money.

Fucking mega money.

I don't know if you
want to witness this bro,

but you might learn
a thing or two.

That's never happening, dude.

Did you forget?

Of course it's happening.

She gave me her number,
she must want me to call.

We'll see.

- Hello?
- Hello?

- Hello?
- Hello?

Yeah, that's it.

You can suck dick.

Yeah, 'cause
it's my first time.

Shultz, what are
you doing here?

Well, well, same thing as you.

Blowing off a little steam.

Oh, good.

Look, I've been meaning to call.

Hey, we don't need to be
talking business tonight.

No, but it's coming.

I got it on the line.

You must have a
lot on the line.

No, they're good for it.

Who?

Two British boys.

They got a little scheme going.

What's their names?

Mind your business.

I'll get it.

You will be paid for the delay.

I thought you said we didn't
need to talk business.

I'm here to enjoy myself.

You're right, we don't
need to talk business.

Why not kill him
before the club?

I liked him.

Besides, it's easier
when they're sleepy.

Well good fucking
thing you don't like me.

Ugh, now he's gonna be heavier.

He should be lighter after
the load he just left in you.

- Is Helen there?
- Hello, who you want?

Is Helen there, Helen?

Chicken ball special?

No, I don't want
the chicken balls.

Chow mein
special, right?

Or the chow mein special.

I think I've dialed the
wrong number, sweetheart.

I've dialed the wrong number.

- Hello?
- Bye.

She gave you a
fucking fake number.

The two could be a five.

Yeah, it could be,

or it could be all
the numbers are wrong.

She could be dyslexic,

that's why she's
written it that way.

I bet, I bet that's what.

Terry, it's the
Bride of Frankenstein.

Hey, I hear
you two in there.

You owe me money for rent.

She must need the rent
money for Botox or something.

Or maybe her 23rd facelift.

You guys can't
keep hiding from me

every time you owe me money.

I'll be back tomorrow.

We can add her to the list

of people demanding
money from us.

At least the worst thing she
can do to us is kick us out.

Terry, you listening to me?

Sorry, I was just
reading something here.

Do you know he's
buried in Vegas?

Who?

- Chaplin.
- So?

Oh, Jesus Christ, Cal.

Charlie Chaplin, who was buried

with 400 million
fucking dollars,

he's buried right here in Vegas.

Well, it's a shame he's
not alive then, Terry,

'cause we could ask him
for a 30 grand loan,

or actually he could
donate it to the lepers.

That would be better.

- We could dig him up.
- What?

Did him up and sell his body.

Sell it to who?

Highest bidder.

Terry, we can't
put him on Ebay.

- Hollywood.
- Hollywood?

Yeah, Hollywood.

And what number am I dialing
to ring all of Hollywood?

Any of 'em.

Any one of them fuckers
would pay to get him back.

- His corpse?
- Yeah.

He was worth a fucking fortune.

His corpse.

You might be onto
something here.

If we stole his body and held
it ransom like a hostage,

anybody that got it back,
then they'd be a hero.

Jesus, they'd be legends
in their own right,

the people that safely return
Chaplin's body to the grave.

I mean, you can't
buy that kind of PR.

Yeah, and it'd be really good
for their public relations.

We could do this.

We could seriously do this.

Nah, you're kidding.

No, we could do this.

You could be right.

But I'm never right,
according to you.

Well mark your
calendar, brother.

This might be the first time.

Previously
on Age of the Living Dead.

I can't live
as a vampire, not anymore.

If you left me, you wouldn't
want to see me suffer.

Freeze!

Claire, what are you doing?

Hey, sis.

These are as much mine
as they are yours.

It's not, you know that.

We've been through this.

They're in the will.

Dad left it to me as much
as he left them to you.

You got paid what you were
owed from the will, Claire.

You know that.

Whatever, and
it's not Claire now.

It's Lakshmi.

Locks me?

Lakshmi, L-A-K.

Do I look like a lock?

Okay, Lakshmi,
whatever that means.

She's a Hindu goddess,
goddess of wealth

and prosperity and beauty,
and she makes me feel special.

Oh, you're special, all right.

Do you have somewhere to stay?

I sleep at the club.

I see.

I'm doing a lot better,
you know, than before.

Okay, that's good.

You don't suppose
I could have a shower

and brush my teeth?

Of course you could.

You can see
the cogs turning, can't you?

This idiot actually
thinks his drunken brother

has come up with a good plan.

Hello?

Hey,
you sound British.

Who is this?

I'm a friend
of the late Mr. Evans.

What do you mean, late Evans?

Glad I
have your attention.

We need to talk.

What are we talking about?

Hello?

Get in.

If I get in that car,
will I ever get out?

Hey, let's not
pretend you have a choice.

I like this with the evil
lighting and everything.

It's very intimidating.

What do you want?

Why so hostile, pilgrim?

I'm here to help.

Okay, help with what?

You or your idiotic brother

owe $30,000 to an
associate of mine.

Okay.

And my associate, whom I
represent, has just retired.

The guy who gave you the money.

So that debt passes to my
guy, and he wants it back.

He's getting ready
to retire you, too.

Okay, and?

And, pilgrim, I and I
alone can, shall we say,

delay that inevitability.

Why would you do
something like that?

Because I'm a helpful guy,

and because I like people
like you owing me favors.

Hey, open up that bag.

Nah, I'm all right.

Open it.

Jeez, is that a
head in the bag?

What the hell's the
matter with you?

Who drives around
with a head in a bag?

You fucking crazy?

Certainly helps
in my line of work.

Okay, look, I
don't have the money.

I would have just paid
back the original debt.

It doesn't matter to
me if it's you or Evans

or Freddy Four
Fingers I owe it to.

I just don't have it,
so it's all the same.

I understand that
you guys had a scam.

A scam?

Or a scheme.

I've never known the
difference between the,

I don't care, as long as
it amounts to 30K by Friday.

On second thoughts, maybe
a scheme sounds better,

unless it has the word
pyramid in front of it.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe you think you're a cowboy

and that we haven't seen a
cowboy in this town before.

Look, I need a week,
a week for my scheme.

All right, a week.

I didn't catch your name.

That's 'cause I
didn't give it to you.

All right, pilgrim.

We'll play it your way, but
don't you and your brother

even think of skipping town.

Can you let me
out here, please?

Driver.

Terry, Terry, wake up.

Put your shoes on.

What, why?

Put your shoes on.

'Cause the guy that was trying
to kill us has been killed.

Shoes, Terry, but them on.

Well, that's great news.

No, it's not
great news, Terry.

Where are your pants?

No, not that Terry, these.

He's been replaced by somebody
crazier and meaner, okay?

So it's not great news.

Meaner than Evans?

- Yes.
- How mean?

He turned up with
Evans' head in a bag.

Shirt, come on.

Jesus Harry Christ.

That's right, we've
hit the big time.

Well, what now?

Now we're gonna
follow your plan,

after we get some
shovels and a van.

We need a van.

I don't have a plan.

Terry, we're
digging up Chaplin.

How we gonna find
this grave, anyway?

Charlie Chaplin's grave?

Well, what else?

We're not looking for
any other fucking grave

that I know of.

His name will be written
on the gravestone, Terry.

That's what we're doing.

We just have to read.

That's convenient, isn't it?

For those of us that
can read, it is, yeah.

All right, well
you do that part.

Why are you so mad, anyway?

That's just how they
do it in cemeteries.

Yeah, but I don't
like graveyards.

Why, what's wrong
with graveyards?

Well, they're wasted
space, aren't they?

Taking up all this land.

What would you have
done with the land?

I'd have made
it a golf course.

You don't play golf, Terry.

That's not the point.

Golf courses make a
shit load of money.

This is just a waste of land

for people who
can't appreciate it,

'cause I mean, they're dead.

Well, this is a waste of
time, isn't it, playing golf?

You reading these gravestones?

You walked right by it.

Well, you didn't tell me to.

We're gonna need a faster way.

This'll take forever.

Well here, let's
ask these old codgers.

Be nice, Terry.

Excuse me, awful
sorry to bother you.

No bother, we're just
here doing our weekly visit.

Ah, that's sweet,
someone close?

My mother.

Oh, that's nice,
you still come

and take care of
it and everything.

Well, she's my
mother, so we come

- because we can't afford any,
- Yeah, right.

Listen, you don't know where

Charlie Chaplin's
grave is, do you?

- Who?
- What?

Charlie Chaplin, film star.

I didn't know he's
buried in this cemetery.

Yeah, it is this cemetery.

It is, thank you.

Cheers.

I didn't know that, did you?

I can't say I did, no.

- Where abouts?
- What?

The grave, where is it?

I don't know, do I?

I wouldn't be asking
you the question.

I don't know.

I didn't even know he was
buried in this cemetery.

You learn something new
every day, don't you?

Where you boys from?

London, Wembley,
to be precise.

Ah, where they
play the tennis.

The fuck, what is it
with people and the tennis?

I know, I know, I know.

Thank you very much.

That's Wimbledon.

- All right, walk it off.
- Nice boys.

Very smooth, by the way.

What?

- Somebody close.
- Well, it was.

So what kind of
criminal mastermind

tells people what we're looking
for and where we're from?

Give it a rest.

You think Fred and
Ginger back there

are gonna rumble our plan?

I'm sure tons of
people come here

and ask that same question.

Who's Fred and Ginger?

They were, oh, nevermind.

Try over there.

All right.

It looks exclusive
and expensive.

And they don't play
tennis in Wembley.

That's fucking Wimbledon.

It's just the action, Terry.

What do you want me to tell you?

I just don't get it.

Why are people always
confused about that?

I don't know, why are you
so aggressive with people

that are just grieving?

Didn't look too sad.

Oh, got an interesting
one this morning.

What's up?

Multiple complaints about
a fund starter account.

Let me guess, IRS
collection scam?

Nope.

- Ethiopian prince?
- Nope.

No one does that one anymore.

- Fake cancer.
- Close.

Go on, then.

National Leprosy Day.

- Leprosy?
- Yep.

America has had
a leprosy outbreak?

More of like a national
leprosy scam outbreak.

I hate people.

I'm getting the nerds in here.

Give me the Cyber Crime unit.

And if anyone finds my car,
let me know immediately.

I don't want any charges,
just my car back.

Why would someone steal
a 10 year old Mitsubishi?

Who knows?

You'd have to ask Lakshmi.

- Who?
- Don't ask.

Cocksucker.

Borrows 100 grand from me,

no intention of
ever paying it back.

Now here he used it to start
his own loansharking business.

He did.

Mr. Evans.

He looks good dead.

He does.

I wouldn't have lent
those British pricks

any money in the first place.

Probably spent it all
on bangers and mash.

I want my money.

We're working on
it, at least 20K.

Good.

This is hard work, digging
holes in the desert.

I don't see you
doing any digging.

I'm supervising you.

Sorry, sorry.

Jesus, got to work
for myself around here.

Get this done, you schnorr.

I would, except you
keep talking to me

Hey Billy, a
little respect, huh?

Sorry, sorry.

Whoever finds
them first gets 10K.

Nah.

I don't know if we're
ever gonna find it.

You know Tony Curtis
is in here somewhere?

Is he dead?

I hope so, they buried him.

Oh yeah, good point.

Hey.

There you go.

How'd you find that
if you can't read?

It's got a picture on it.

Well, we found him.

What now?

Now brother, we
turn it all around.

We completely
reinvent ourselves.

We be totally unpredictable.

So basically exactly what
you ordered last night.

That's correct.

Hopefully without a
side of gunfire this time?

Great diet.

Yeah, but this way I
get to see you again.

Because you know, the
number you gave me

seemed to be a Chinese takeaway.

Well, I covered for you
two last time with the cops.

Yeah, we do appreciate that,
but you didn't know that,

not when you gave me the number.

This is Vegas.

You can get whatever
you want in this town.

You don't need a waitress.

But you're not
just a waitress.

I don't want anything else.

Don't make me regret this.

You don't already?

No, it wasn't you.

Oh.

That wasn't nice.

You probably deserved it.

Why?

I don't know Terry,
because you're you?

Why do you always get
all the girls and I don't?

I don't know, because you've
got the demeanor of Eeyore,

what do you want me to tell you?

Fuck you, Tigger.

I'm a nice guy.

Oh, you're a nice guy?

Why don't you rustle
us up some cash then?

I'm working on that.

Sure you are.

Oh my God, what is that?

That, my not so smart brother,

is the answer to
all our problems.

I beg your pardon?

Our problem?

- Yeah, our problem.
- Our problem,

as in yours and mine?

- Yeah.
- Our problem?

That's right.

When you took
$30,000 of our money,

money that we borrowed
from a gangster,

and put it all on a
50 to one long shot

because your
horoscope told you to,

that becomes our problem?

Don't knock astrology.

It's a science.

- It's not a science.
- I'm a Capricorn.

I'm a Pisces.

- That makes us compatible.
- That is so weird,

but you know what, I
could feel it between us.

We have that sort of energy.

It's mumbo jumbo, superstitious
claptrap and you know it is.

Really?

I'm a Pisces.

You're a Leo.

Now tell me what that is.

I opened a fund starter
account for leprosy.

You did what?

The donations are pouring in.

- The donations.
- Uh huh.

And how are you gonna
get the donations, Terry?

I also opened a Western
Post account online.

You're outrageous.

And you always think
I'm the stupid one.

How'd you like them apples?

It's wire fraud.

What?

It's wire fraud, you idiot.

The minute you try and
touch a penny of that money,

it's wire fraud.

That's 10 years inside, Terry.

- 10 years?
- 10, Terry, 10.

You can count, right?

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

10 years.

I'm not going back
in there for 10 years.

Why are you such an idiot?

I feel like I'm babysitting

a special needs
giraffe or something.

I barely got
through last stretch.

That was only 18 months.

And Michael's still in
there because of what you did,

so we need a plan that doesn't
get us banged up, okay?

And that isn't this one.

Well what, then?

Chaplin.

We have a plan.

- It's over three grand.
- Oh my God, no.

This is dead, dead to us
like mom is dead to us, okay?

You leave mom out of this.

If you two would like to
settle up, I can get going.

Yes, of course we can.

Here, keep the change.

- It's $21.80.
- For breakfast?

Yes, so could you
just please pay?

Here.

Do I still get
to keep the change?

Sure.

No, wait.

I'll see
you tomorrow, Janice.

Wait, wait, whoa.

What do you want?

Just a date.

You feel like trouble.

I'm not.

Like a small amount of trouble.

A Pisces amount of trouble.

I could do with less
trouble in my life.

I get that, but
let me tell you

why I might be worth
the trouble, though.

- Wow.
- No, no.

Listen to my accent.

Everything sounds better
in an English accent.

Is that it, a British accent?

English, English accent.

British accent is
Scotland and Wales.

If you've ever heard
a Welsh person speak,

it doesn't matter.

I was kind of expecting a
list of reasons or something.

A list, I can do a list.

A long list or a short list?

- Long list.
- How long?

Like Schindler's list.

I'm not sure why I said that.

I'm so sorry.

Why are boys so stupid?

It's probably just to
make you feel sorry for us.

I'll let you know.

All right.

She'll be back.

She has to be.

- She does work here.
- Shut up, Terry.

What do you think?

Pretty standard.

Opened a Western Post account
using their own IP address.

I can tell you what city, state,

possibly a home
address by the morning.

- Why so long?
- Glitch in the system.

I could have that
for you tonight.

I got this.

You sure about this?

You know a better idea?

- Hello.
- Hey.

That's great, I'm just
gonna have a coffee.

Not eating today?

No, I'm waiting for
a couple of friends.

- I'll get some more menus.
- Thank you.

Hey, what's your name?

Helen.

- Hello, Helen.
- Hi.

Maybe you know my friends.

British dudes, brothers.

They come in here a lot.

Don't think so.

I'll go get those menus.

You sure?

They have very distinct accents,

so it would be
hard to miss them.

I think I'd remember accents.

I think you would, too.

I'll go get those menus.

At least there's
a full moon out.

Proves astrology's a science.

- What does?
- The moon.

How does it prove that
astrology's a science?

Are you actually gonna get
in here today and do anything?

I'm supervising, Terry.

I'm keeping a lookout.

Making sure you're safe,
like I'm always doing.

Go on, why don't you
talk about the moon.

Tell me about that
whilst you work.

Tides.

What about them?

- You've heard of tides.
- Yes Terry,

I've heard of tides.

Well the moon
causes the tides.

Scientific fact.

Okay.

The human body, 90% water,
another scientific fact.

- 70%.
- Don't quibble all the time.

Fine, fine, it's mostly water.

Mostly water, so what?

Since the moon can affect
something as mighty as an ocean,

do you think something as
inconsequential as we are

on a cosmic scale won't
be affected by it?

That is the biggest load
of rubbish I have ever heard.

It's science.

No, it's not.

What about ponds?

What about them?

There's a large body of water.

They don't have tides.

What about the bathtub?

You don't get an extra
splish or a splosh

just 'cause there's
a full moon out.

Well done, my son, well done.

Wait, wait.

Are we supposed to be
pulling or pushing?

You pull him in, Cal.

What, no.

Wait a second, wait a second.

Hey, how are you?

I'm good, I'm just hanging
out with my brother.

- Really?
- Be there in a sec, Terry.

What was that?

Okay, well then I
owe you 200 bucks.

For not taking the bribe.

Look, how about I give it
to you later over drinks?

This better not be just you
trying to get your dick wet.

You got it.

Problem?

Somebody just asking after us.

No prizes for
guessing who that is.

I've got a problem.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, sorry bro.

Come on, push.

I am pushing.

Dude, what the fuck is it now?

Hey, you called me.

All right, listen.

I need you to do something
for me, it's important.

I need you to find
two Brits right away.

Names.

I don't have the names yet.

You know what, without names.

Dude, dude, find them, okay?

It's important.

Do what we fucking
pay you to do.

Two fucking Brits, they
both have English accents.

Hey, where the
fuck is my money

for the last two favors
I did for you guys?

Michael pays the bills.

He said you would.

Just relax, all right?

We always fucking pay.

You making big
money anywhere else?

I'm working a tip.

- What?
- On a fraud.

Fraud, I'm not a cop.

What do I give a
shit about fraud for?

- It's about leprosy.
- Leprosy?

How the fuck could
a leper be a fraud?

They don't even have
any fucking fingers.

I gotta go.

Hey, find those fucking
Brits, it's important.

They both have English accents.

Find them.

Fucking idiots, I'm
surrounded by fucking idiots.

Sit anywhere you'd like.

I'll be with you in a minute.

We're not here to eat.

Make it quick, I'm busy.

Is the owner around?

Nope, he lives in Hong Kong.

- Hong Kong?
- Yep.

Just waiting for the development
up the street to finish

and then it's demolition time.

You the manager?

Might as well be.

The wifi network from
this diner was used

to set up a fraudulent account.

So?

It was used in a
fraudulent scheme,

which is a crime in
the state of Nevada,

and anyone that
helps these people.

Every bum, grifter
and con artist

around the neighborhood
use the free wifi.

They also get their mail
too, and we keep it for them.

Can we see it?

What?

The mail.

Got a warrant?

We'll be back.

See ya then, Arnie.

Jeez, you startled me.

What've you got?

Those two brothers
you asked me about?

Yeah, what about them?

They in a lot of trouble?

Why?

Just wondering.

Not really.

I just need to talk to them.

I don't want to get myself

into the middle of
something nasty.

You won't.

I'm trying to help them.

I'm offering them an
olive branch so things

Look, money talks.

If you don't talk,
you don't get any.

I could find them for you.

When?

I'll call you tomorrow.

Make sure you do.

Jeez, you'd think the bastard
would have lost some weight.

He wasn't that
heavy to start with.

Wait, wait there a minute.

Show some respect,
for Christ sake.

He's an icon.

Respect?

We just dug him up.

That doesn't mean you have
to disrespect him, does it?

This better be worth it.

This thing weighs a ton.

It's a one-time big
effort for a big payday.

Just keep moving.

I am.

- Wait, wait.
- What?

- Oh, it's her.
- No.

I won't be long.

I'm not babysitting him.

You don't have to babysit.

You can go out, you
know, or just don't.

Come on.

Sorry.

So, pretty nice place, huh?

I'm not going
to sleep with you.

Do you mean
tonight, or like ever?

Wow.

'Cause we can order oysters.

I'll stick with a martini.

Good choice, me too.

That's not a martini.

Oh, that's a martini.

This is a Hawaiian martini.

Never heard of it.

It's delicious,
you need to try it.

I see you looking at it.

You want to try
it, I can see you.

Will you stop talking
about it if I do?

I will if you try it.

All right.

- Whoa, whoa.
- What?

Wait, you need to remember
your life as it is now,

pre-Hawaiian martini.

You're gonna be so mad
at me once you try this

that it isn't the very first
thing I told you about.

Okay, you ready?

Go.

And, boom.

- It's okay.
- You're such a liar.

Oh my God, it's more than okay.

It's a little
better than okay.

It is the finest drink to
ever touch those gorgeous lips,

and you know it is.

You need to stop
hitting on me.

Why?

And stop saying things to
try and make me love you.

Oh my God, you love me?

That is so sudden, but okay.

You should try and
play it cool, you know?

Knock it off.

You can't blame a guy
for wanting something real.

Real?

Well, not fish love, anyway.

- What?
- Fish love?

What the hell is fish love?

There's a rabbi and he
sees a guy eating a fish

and he says to him, why
are you eating fish?

The guy looks back
at him all confused

and he goes, I love fish.

He goes oh, you love fish.

That's why you killed
it, cooked it and ate it?

And the guy says, oh,
you know what I mean.

He goes to him, you
love the taste of fish.

You don't love fish itself.

If you loved the fish, he'd
still be swimming in the stream.

It's just self gratification.

You like the way it tastes,
the way it makes you feel.

Well, that's just fish love.

So much of what's in the
world today is fish love.

Somebody taking something
from somebody else

just because of the
way it makes them feel.

Even if you don't date me,
don't settle for fish love.

Did you come up with that?

- No.
- So who did?

Wayne Newton.

You are so full of it.

I'm not, he sat
right in this chair,

told me that story,
made me try that drink,

and I never looked back.

Is anything you say the truth?

Everything I tell
you is the truth.

That's probably not true,
but I like the way you say it.

Well in that case,
Greg, two more, please.

Now you're just
trying to get me drunk.

That's also true.

See, we could play
this game all night.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

There
are some men in life

you're going to come
across who are just evil.

I mean, they are brutes.

They are the spies and the
type of men that enslave you.

They regiment your life.

They tell you what to do,
what to think, what to feel.

They drill you, diet you,
treat you like cattle.

They use you.

They use everyone like cannon
fodder, but you know what?

They're honest about it.

They are who they are,
just brutes, dictators.

They are evil men.

But the people I
despise more than them

are the ones that
dress like heroes

but would sell you
out in a heartbeat.

Detective, how are you?

Fine.

What brings you here?

I have some information

- Not here.
- that might be

- of use to you.
- Not here.

- Billy hasn't been paying.
- Shut up.

- For information I provide.
- Hey, hey.

What, are you fucking stupid?

Excuse me?

You're a snitch.

You've been bought
and paid for already.

We don't have to pay
you anything anymore.

Look, look.

Take a look at it.

That's you taking our
cash for your information.

We own you.

We don't have to pay
you any money anymore,

but you've gotta continue
to pay me with information.

Otherwise I'll make damn sure

that your boss will see
those pictures like that.

You need me as a friend.

Maybe you don't
need us as an enemy.

You know what?

Get the fuck outta here.

Here, here's some gas money.

Hit the road and don't be
bothering Mr. Hynkel anymore.

How was the date?

It went very well, thank you.

Really?

Then how come you're
sitting here with me?

Because I am a
gentleman, Terry.

So she won't bang you, then?

That is so, so factual.

But it was a classy
place, Champagne's.

I was trying to
project a classy image.

How classy?

They don't serve
Red Bull as a mixer.

- Ooh, that is classy.
- I know, right?

Gonna see her again?

Tonight.

Same place?

Why fix it if it ain't broke?

Yeah, that and the
fact that you and me

are barred from virtually
every other bar in Vegas.

Which reminds me, I needed
to tell you something,

and I hope this doesn't
come as a complete surprise,

but Terry, I wasn't fucking
planning on taking you.

No shit.

- Hey, whoa.
- What?

Show some respect,
use a coaster.

Do we have any coasters?

You could fashion
one out of something,

you know you could, Terry.

I tell you what I'll do.

If and when we sell this guy,

I'll use part of the proceeds
to buy some coasters.

So, now that we have said body,

how exactly do we monetize it?

- Monetize it?
- Yeah, what it means is,

I know what it means.

I'm surprised to hear
you saying the word.

Go on, then.

We're gonna ransom
it to the family

or a Hollywood type, remember?

And you have a phone number

for some of these
Hollywood types?

Oh my God, Terry,

I'm following the plan
that you laid down.

I was drunk.

You're always drunk.

Hey, hey, come on.

It's not a footstool.

Well now it appears it's
gonna be here for a while.

I might as well make it useful.

You don't know that.

You got any numbers?

- I'm figuring that out.
- Uh huh.

Wait, turn that up.

Turn the fucking thing up.

I'm turning it up.

Get on with it.

Draws attention on
his final resting place

here in Las Vegas.

The family has offered
a substantial reward

for the return of his body,
with no questions asked.

If anyone has any information,

please contact your
local police department

or this television station.

This is Sophia
Crawford reporting live

from the now empty grave
of Charlie Chaplin.

Goddard.

What's up?

Whatever you two got going on,

I want you to hand
it off to Napaloni.

I want all available hands on
deck for this Chaplin thing.

I just got a
warrant for the diner,

the one where the
lepers get their mail.

Give it to Napaloni.

This Chaplin thing is all
over the news world wide

and the mayor wants
whoever's responsible caught.

And whoever these clowns
are are gonna pay,

and I want my division to
catch him, is that clear?

- Loud and clear, sir.
- Yes, sir.

Good, now go catch
some body snatchers, now.

Back to you, Bob.

Fuck.

We should call that number.

- No.
- We should check

what the reward is.

- No.
- Let's just see

what the number is, this
could be a quick fix, Terry.

- No.
- Why not?

Feels like a trap to me.

It's not a trap,
it's on the news.

- So?
- So we know it's legit.

Really?

Orson Welles' War of
the World broadcast

was on national news,

and that was the biggest
fucking hoax ever.

- But this isn't.
- How do you know?

Because we have
the fucking body.

Oh, yeah.

Who the fuck is that?

Who is it?

Oh my
God, shut the fuck up.

Why, who is it?

Terry, I
can hear you in there.

Stapleton.

Stapleton, let it in.

- Have you got $750?
- For what?

I still haven't paid the rent.

Coming.

You haven't?

- Stapleton.
- Cal.

How the devil are you?

Oh, I'm blessed with good
health, as is my family.

Terry, I trust you are well?

Any better,
there'd be six of me.

Any better, there'd
be six of you.

I like that one.

Where's my rent?

Uh, well you see.

I see you have money
for new furniture.

No, no, it's just a coffin,

coffee table from
the thrift store.

Hey, how much was
it again we owed you?

750 for this month
plus 750 for last month.

Right, we've been working
so hard earning all that money

that we're gonna give
it to you tomorrow.

You will?

We will?

We will, yes, absolutely.

Okay, well then I'll be
by in the morning, then.

Oh, afternoon, actually,
which is slightly better for us.

- Evening, actually.
- Early evening?

- Watch the step, though.
- Cal, no, morning.

Great, and just how are
we gonna have 1500 bucks

by tomorrow afternoon?

I have no idea, but I
figured the immediate problem

was to get her out of here

because she kept
looking at the coffin.

Paying the rent is
tomorrow's problem.

Yeah, but what are we gonna,

oh, it's the leprosy money.

It's almost five grand now.

Terry, Terry, no.

There is no safe way
to access that money.

Well, I don't
want to be homeless.

And I don't want to call
a five by eight cell home

for the next 10 years.

Well, what are
we gonna do then?

I don't know.

Hello Bruce, hello Bloom.

No, no, no.

Terry, they're just plants.

They're my plants.

Which you grew to sell.

That was before.

We need the money.

Stop making it weird.

It's not weird.

- Yes it is.
- No it's not.

It's a genuine
scientific condition.

There's a genuine term for it.

No there isn't, what is it?

Paraphilia.

Paraphilia?

I never heard of paraphilia.

It sounds like necrophilia,
where some guy fucks a corpse.

Is that what you're
gonna do to the plants?

You're gonna fuck
the plants, Terry?

You're gonna upset them.

Fuck you.

Get a black bag.

So, what do you got for me?

Brought you something.

Stills from a surveillance
camera at the cemetery

where Charlie Chaplin's
body was stolen from.

Somebody stole
Charlie Chaplin's body?

It's all over the news.

I don't watch
the fucking news.

I know.

So why would I
care about this?

The official
reward is $100,000.

The family, they're
willing to pay a lot more

if this is settled quickly.

Go on.

They added the still from the
surveillance camera footage.

What is that?

It's a moving van,
Lloyd's Moving Company.

Anybody else know about it?

No one.

Good.

So I figured that's gotta
be worth at least 10 grand.

10 fucking grand?

Are you out of
your fucking mind?

How'd you come to that figure?

10% of the minimum you're
gonna get out of this.

Fair enough.

I'll think about it.

More important, what
about the Brits?

I need something
more to go on.

Dude, find them, all right?

What the fuck are
we paying you for?

You don't.

Fuck off, fuck off.

No ma'am, we're not looking

for the ghost of
Charlie Chaplin.

We're looking for
the actual body.

Okay, thank you.

You've had how
many calls so far?

Over 17,000.

17,000?

Every whack job from here

to Williams, Arizona
has a theory.

That's what happens when
you put up 100 grand reward.

I had no idea there were
so many psychics out there.

- And nothing.
- A whole nothing burger.

Vegas PD.

We're sure this
is the right place?

Positive.

And where did we
get this contact?

Facebook.

- Facebook?
- Yeah.

You set up a drug
deal on Facebook.

Yeah.

What could possibly go wrong?

I belong to a holistic
healing group on Facebook.

- Holistic healing?
- Yeah.

You, with crystals
and candles and shit.

Oh, fuck off.

With like, meditation and
yoga and eating properly,

that sort of shit.

And this is you,
you belong to this.

Why not?

Because you're an
antisocial, alcoholic,

violent sociopath, Terry.

That's why not.

If we all took a
more holistic approach

to our daily routines, we would
all live in greater harmony.

It's in the Tai Chi.

- In the Tai Chi?
- Yeah.

- You've read the Tai Chi?
- Uh huh.

And how'd you do that
when you can't read?

Was there pictures?

Hi Terry.

Nice to see you again.

Namaste, Lakshmi.

Likewise.

Hello.

You must be Cal.

Cal, yes, that's me, even
though I thought we were gonna

use fake names.

Terry has told
us all about you.

Well, that's good.

Us, who's us?

In the group.

The group from Facebook,

where we write down
what kind of crime

we're about to commit, great.

Please, leave the
bags on the bar.

I assume it holds
the wondrous bounty

that Terry has told us about.

We took the liberty
of giving you a sample

from our last batch.

Don't fucking move or I'll
blow your fucking head off.

Hey, hey, what the fuck
do you think you're doing?

I don't know him, so I
brought a little friend of mine.

But we're friends.

On Facebook.

Oh, he's serious?

Yeah.

Was he dropped on
his head as a kid?

He probably should have been.

Oh, both of you strip.

I said strip.

Now.

And make it sexy.

Dance for me.

Shake it.

Oh, this is awkward.

They're a gift from our mom.

So are mine.

I know that, Terry.

All right, no wires.

Let's get down to business.

Oh, so you're not
trying to rip us off?

Do I look like a
fucking criminal to you?

No, no, I wouldn't say that.

Good.

And good kush,
just like you said?

I told you, it's good shit.

It is.

Not worth what you're
asking for it, though.

I'm the one that does the
deals between me and my brother.

And I hear it.

So if it's such good shit,

how come it's not worth the
six grand we're asking for?

Hey, you told me five.

Not now, Terry.

Market's saturated,
and besides, that

cutting, weighing,
packaging and reselling.

Why should I do all the work
and not get paid for it?

And besides, you're
obviously desperate.

And what makes you think
that we're desperate?

Terry.

He also posted
on Facebook group

that he needed to offload
some pot, desperately.

You didn't, did you?

Five grand.

It's take it or leave it, then.

Fine.

- No, wait.
- I thought we had a deal.

We do, but not
for six or five.

How much?

Three.

- Deal.
- No way.

Terry.

I like you, Terry.

You have a gentle soul,
the aura of a Leo.

I like you, too.

I reckon that if you
and I met in another life,

we'd be lovers.

Fuck me.

No, thanks.

Three grand.

Keep the ones.

Stop, just stop.

Hey, look at me.

Look at me.

So you are absolutely,
positively sure

that you have no idea why
your van was in the cemetery

the night that body
got stolen, huh?

I told you.

I have no idea.

Look, this van had a
wrong odometer reading

the next morning.

There was mud in the van.

Okay, that's all I know.

I believe you.

You do?

I do.

Let me go, then.

That I cannot do.

But you said you believe me.

Yes, I do believe you,

but there are two things.

One, I have to make
sure I'm not wrong,

and two, you've seen my face.

These fucking things.

Motherfucker, come on, baby.

I'm not wrong, I'm not
wrong, and I won't talk.

I swear I won't.

I'm telling you
it's the coffin.

I thought you said
it was a coffee table.

No, that's what
they're using it for.

And they're not goths?

Goths?

Yes, goths.

- You mean like Germans?
- Germans?

Like Visigoths.

No, goths, like Nic Cage.

They're English, not German.

There's English goths.

Can we just get
back to the coffin?

By all means.

What if Charlie,

the missing dead silent
comedian is in that apartment?

Then we call the hotline
and collect the reward.

First we take
possession of the coffin

to be able to collect
the fucking reward.

Then we break in.

I have a pry bar.

I have a key, I own the place.

Even better.

So with
everyone plotting

to steal the precious
cargo or kill them for it,

the boys hit upon
an ingenious idea.

Simply take the body
back and rebury it

and pretend it never happened.

And like the true
geniuses they really are,

they decided to retrace
some dangerous steps,

because they are morons.

Terry.

What?

The door's unlocked.

Shut up.

What the fuck?

Whoa.

That is messed up.

He's got no ears.

Do you think he's a leper?

That
was in poor taste.

Yeah, but it's funny.

It was funny, but
we need to start

being a bit more
respectful, you know?

Why, we didn't do this.

No, but we've done
other stuff in poor taste.

What, like defiling a grave?

Didn't defile a grave,
we desecrated a grave.

What's the difference?

Well, defile is a
bit more, you know.

Like intimate.

You defile that waitress yet?

Oh, no, and stop.

You know they fired her.

All right, we gotta focus.

I wonder what idiot did this.

Don't know, don't care.

They're not here now.

Let's just get on with it.

Yeah, all right.

Hold on.

You don't think this has
anything to do with us, do you?

No, why would it be?

You don't think it's
a bit of a coincidence?

Not really.

Terry, are you serious?

We took his van to steal

the most famous person
in the world's body

and then 24 hours later

after the world's gone
crazy with this news

and we've turned into the
biggest Easter egg hunt

in the world, he winds
up dead and tortured.

You don't think
it's coincidental?

Nah, very violent city.

- Well, that's true.
- Violent country.

I can see that
Terry, but still.

This wouldn't ever
happen in the rainforest.

Well, what?

It's very peaceful there.

I was thinking of going
on a yoga retreat.

- I'm leaving.
- No, don't be stupid.

What?

We still need the keys.

Now don't be a Jessie,
just go and get them.

I'm not putting my
hand in his pocket.

Oh, you sissy.

Oh my God.

It's okay mate, I'm
just borrowing it.

I forgot, he can't
hear me, can he?

That, that was in poor taste.

Funny though.

It was funny, but that
doesn't make it okay.

It's gone!

What do you mean, it's gone?

Gone where?

Well how the hell
do I know where?

It's just gone.

Those bastards must have
turned it in for my reward.

- Their reward?
- What?

They had it first,

then surely it's their reward.

If they stole it
in the first place,

they don't deserve
the fucking reward.

Surely they
deserve it the most.

Just shut up.

It's about
Charlie Chaplin.

What about it?

It's a terrible
thing they did.

Yes it is.

Listen, I'm awfully busy.

If you know something, there's
a hotline you can call.

I know who did it.

You do?

- No, you don't.
- Of course I do.

Like I said.

They were from Liverpool.

Liverpool, England?

They sounded like
the Beatles to me.

They don't play
tennis in Liverpool.

I'm sure they do.

No, it's Wembley.

Wimbledon?

No, definitely Wembley.

Well, like I said.

There's a hotline you can call.

I'm a little busy right now.

We could certainly
use the money.

What are we gonna do now?

Fucked if I know.

We could just dump it.

No, that wouldn't be right.

Why?

Well, because it would be
sacrilegious or something.

And digging him up wasn't?

Well yeah, but two wrongs
don't make a right, Terry.

Well then?

The whole point of trying
to bring him back here

was to diffuse the situation,

you know, to calm
everybody down.

If we just ditch him
on a street corner

like some random snot rag,

everybody's gonna be
demanding our blood again.

We need another plan.

Like what?

We could take him
back to the apartment.

I need a drink.

Terry, it's a one-time big
effort for a massive payday.

Wait, I swear I heard
them words somewhere before.

- Just keep moving.
- I am.

Here we go, here we go, yeah.

- Oh bugger.
- What?

I forgot the keys.

Again?

You forgot them last time.

Come on, we'll just ram it.

All right, let's go.

Oh, it's open, that was
a bit of luck, wasn't it?

That's handy.

Police!

Call an
ambulance and forensics.

Yes, ma'am.

This is Detective Bennet.

I need an ambulance
at 2310 Sunset Road.

Hey Bennet.

Get me the footage
from this CCTV camera.

Oh ho ho, see you later, bro.

Where are you going?

I have a date.

Don't wait up.

What about him?

Well, he's asleep already.

That's not what I meant.

He's not going
anywhere, is he?

Look, I'll deal with
it when I get home.

We will, you mean.

What?

Well, it's always
the same with you.

It's always I 'til
you want something.

We have to figure something out.

We will, brother.

Okay, just give me a few hours
just to be a human being.

I just need a little
stress relief.

That's what the kids are
calling it nowadays, are they?

For God's sake, bear in mind

my only source of stress is you.

I love you, but it's you,
so just give me a few hours

to be a human being,
and you know what?

Meditate, do yoga, do
whatever it is you do

to relieve yourself of stress,

and then we'll figure him out.

But pay the rent.

She's coming.

All right, well it's there.

Try not to sleep with her.

Be good.

This better be good.

I could have gotten laid.

- It is.
- Good.

What do you got?

That moving van,
the one from Lloyd's?

Yeah, what about it?

Did you have to
burn his ears off?

Hey, I had to be sure.

Both of them?

It took both ears
for me to be sure.

Poor son of a bitch.

Turned out he didn't
know anything.

Doesn't now.

Well, that's a given.

So what about this van?

CCTV footage, two
blocks from the cemetery.

- Got a clear shot.
- Great.

Passenger's face.

Creepy looking motherfucker.

Hmm, you got an ID on this guy?

Sure do, he's
a convicted felon

by the name of Terry Deacon.

D, Terry D, Terry D.

You know him?

No, I don't think so.

You got an address, right?

- You're gonna love this.
- What?

He's got a brother.

So what, I got
a fucking brother.

British brother.

Are you fucking kidding me?

These are the two Brits?

This guy's?

So this address.

Hey, you want to
make some real money?

Of course I do.

You've gotta get rid
of Hynkel, all right?

We gotta get rid of him.

Whoa, I'm not
condoning murder.

I'm not saying murder.

Look, you're a cop,
he's a scumbag criminal.

You figure out a way to set
him up, we get him put away.

I got just the thing.

What?

Bait.

Terry, come on, I
know you're in there.

I saw Cal in the
parking lot and he said,

- Stapleton.
- Terry.

How's it going?

Good, you have my rent?

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Are you going out tonight?

No, no, no.

Aren't you gonna invite me in?

The place is a
mess, all right?

Come on Terry, come
on, we can have a drink.

Maybe next month, all right?

- All right Terry, thank you.
- Okay.

You're late, pilgrim.

I don't have a watch, sorry.

That doesn't mean
you're not late.

Yeah, okay, I'm late.

Also, I don't have it.

Wow, I do have more
than one bowling ball bag.

Yet, I don't have it yet.

I should have said that.

You are playing
with fire, mister.

I thought Brits
paid their debts.

We do, we do, we really do.

What would Mr. Churchill say?

Well not very much, he's dead.

Something your brother
will have in common

with Mr. Churchill if you
don't stop your talking

and start doing something.

Okay, look, it's
coming, it's coming.

Really?

I would hardly
come to meet you

if I was just gonna skip town.

24 hours.

All right, that's tight.

So is the noose around
your neck, pilgrim.

Let's see what we've got.

Well hello again.

You know him?

I believe I do.

Let's see what else we have.

I recognize that car.

Whoa, good evening, Father.

You know them too?

I do believe Christmas,
Easter and Thanksgiving

came all on the
same day this year.

Those are our Chaplain
boys and lepers,

which means we know
exactly where they are.

And where's that?

No, thank you.

What's your name?

Janice.

Hello, Janice.

Is Helen back there or anything?

- No.
- Is she coming in today?

No.

Do you know when
she's coming in again?

No.

Oh.

You wanna hear the specials?

No.

Hey, do you happen
to know two customers

with British accents
that come here a lot?

Does that ring a bell?

- No.
- You sure?

Yeah.

Thank you, Janice.

You've been very helpful.

You got something?

Yeah, contact with
the British brothers.

Bring them to me.

The
silent movie star

was rumored to be buried
with many personal effects,

including his 1972
honorary gold-plated Oscar,

which he received for a lifetime
of dedication to the arts.

The body's whereabouts
are still unknown.

Like, he's cute
and everything,

but I've got myself to
think about, you know?

I know.

Like, he'd sell me
out in a heartbeat.

Probably.

Probably lie
his ass off to me.

He just wants to get laid.

Oh, no more for me.

Actually, that's for
me, but I'd gladly buy you one.

Oh my God, you're
Wayne Newton.

Last time I checked.

You drink here?

Let's keep that our secret.

Of course.

Wow, I'm such a fan.

Well, thank you.

This is so unreal.

Cheers.

Can I ask you something?

Sure, anything.

Do you know Cal?

Cal, you mean British Cal?

Yeah, British Cal.

- Yes I do.
- Why?

Did he con you out of money?

Oh my God, no, no.

He's a small fish in a big pond.

There's something
called fish love.

Oh shit.

What?

You really do know him.

Yes, I really do.

- Oh no.
- What?

I messed up.

Well, he's not a bad guy.

What should I do?

Go make it right.

Thank you.

Hey.

There's something
I have to tell you.

Is it how handsome I am?

Shut up, I'm serious.

I was being serious too.

There's a guy at the diner

looking for you
and your brother.

I took his money to rat you
out, but I couldn't do it.

I'm sorry.

That's okay, I think
I can guess who he is.

You're not mad?

No, no, no.

It's not your fault, you
didn't borrow the money.

Don't read into this
more than you should.

I won't.

I shouldn't have lied.

Well, in the spirit
of sharing things,

I guess I should
tell you something.

Oh?

Me and Terry have a dead
body hidden at the apartment.

Whose?

It's a really long story.

Well, as long as it's
not Charlie Chaplin.

Yeah, as long as it's not him.

Holy shit.

Fucking pig, I told you
not to fucking touch me.

What the hell's going on here?

She's drunk, ran a red light,

has a trunk full of marijuana,

no driver's license,
no insurance

and the vehicle
registration shows the car

is actually owned by you.

Police brutality!

Thanks, I'll
take it from here.

I can't do that.

Sure you can.

Nope.

Don't be such a dick.

It was a one time
thing, I was drunk.

And you never returned
one of my phone calls.

That hurt.

I'm not even drunk, I only
had three bottles of wine.

Really, you want
to do this now?

No, what I want to do
is what we did before.

Here, now?

No, how about tomorrow
night, same place?

Fine, but this
is the last time.

Done.

Get these off of me.

See you tomorrow.

Asshole!

Can you believe this guy?

Are you really gonna sleep
with that jerk for me?

No, I'm gonna sleep
with him for me.

He was great in bed.

That's my sis.

Why'd you ignore his calls then?

Because he's so fucking needy.

Fucking men.

You know what, if I'd know
that all you needed to get laid

was me getting arrested, I mean,

I would have done
that shit ages ago.

Just get in.

- I'll drive.
- No, you're not.

Terry, Terry my good
friend, I'm coming in.

Terry, I need to
check the fuse boxes.

Are you here?

Drunk asshole's gone.

See, I told you it's back.

I didn't doubt
you for a minute.

You said my delusions were
bigger than my cup size.

You said you'd only agree to
come so you could prove it.

No, no, no.

Christ, I'm gonna get high
just driving this thing.

Yeah, sorry, the
bag must have split.

Where are we going, anyway?

I'm taking you to my
place to sleep it off,

but first I have to
make a quick stop.

It's a work thing.

Yeah, no worries.

Walk it away.

Jesus Christ Terry, stop.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh my God, you weren't lying.

I told you I was
telling the truth.

I'm opening it up.

Why, why, why
would you do that?

'Cause he was
buried with his Oscar.

- So?
- So we could sell it.

How Terry, how are
we gonna do that?

God, I wish you were lying.

How what?

How are you gonna
explain the fact

that you have Charlie
Chaplin's Oscar?

Or mentally ill,

or something that would
make a decent legal defense.

Whatever you're doing, stop.

Give me that.

Are you two?

No, no, she's
helping us, okay?

Why?

I don't know.

Listen Cal, there's
something else.

I made a bit of a mess.

It's in the bathroom.

In the bathroom I've
made a bit of a mess.

Terry, I'll help you clean
it up afterwards, okay?

Can you give me a minute
to explain everything else?

I'll be right in.

I told you he's not a bad guy.

Look, I can explain.

Okay, I can explain everything.

What the fuck?

What's wrong with you two?

It seemed like a win-win,
you have to understand that.

Tell me it is
your brother's idea.

It was.

Well that makes you an
idiot and him a super idiot.

Okay, so he's an idiot.

He's a super idiot,
he's a fucking moron,

and I've been cleaning
up for him forever.

It's fucking like
babysitting 24/7.

Wait, Terry, Terry!

Shit.

But he's my brother, okay?

He's family and I love him, and
you'd do the same for yours.

Every cop, trooper and
FBI agent in the state

are looking for you two.

Terry!

I'll have a tea.

Make it English Breakfast.

Janice, I'll take a tea also.

My pal here will pay for it.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm the fuck that
you owe 30 grand to,

that's who the fuck I am.

- Get ready.
- Yeah, they never do.

I'm telling you something,
for your well being,

we're gonna work this out
right here and right now, okay?

Any food?

Food?

No Janice, no food for me.

How about you, have
any last requests?

No, I'm fine.

- Look, I can explain.
- I figured

that the aforementioned
30 grand is not available,

but why don't you just give
us Charlie Chaplin's body?

What makes you
think I have it?

I have my sources.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Yeah, well I think you do.

You and your stupid fucking
brother stole that body,

and I want to know where it is.

If you think I'm
bringing any trouble

to my brother's front doorstep,

you don't know fuck
all about family.

I know this
about family, okay?

I will blow your fucking
kidney out your ass

without thinking twice about it.

Now I will take you and your
brother will come to get you,

and he will bring the body.

That's what I know about family.

Now if you want to stay alive,

you'll walk the fuck out
of here to my car, or not.

Janice, thank you very much.

Let's get out of here.

Let's walk right to it.

So our
crooked, underpaid cop

wants to entrap the
crooked, overpaid mob boss.

He's only got our boy's
fake leprosy money,

but anyone who
tries to claim that

will be committing wire fraud,

which gives him what he
needs, Hynkel behind bars.

However, surely a mob boss
isn't going to risk it all

for five grand, right?

Look, I know we fucked up.

We both know we fucked up.

But everything we're doing now

is about trying to
set it right, so just,

- Hey.
- Hey.

You need to get down here.

- Can I call you back, Janice?
- No.

You really have
to get down here.

What happened?

Shit.

Fucking hell.

Holy shit.

That's my landlord.

That's also my landlord.

Oh fuck, sorry.

We have a bigger problem.

A bigger problem than this?

- Oh yeah.
- What?

That guy I tried
to save you from?

He just picked up your
brother and took him.

The one
thing you can depend on

with greedy men is that their
greed is never satisfied,

so yes, five grand
was more than enough.

- Well I'll be damned.
- What?

That piece of shit cop
has finally proven useful.

Maybe we should put him
back on the payroll.

- Yeah.
- I have one of 'em.

Good, where?

- In the usual place.
- Done.

Billy has one of
those Limey pricks.

Where?

Let's just say he's
gonna need a shovel.

Good.

Terry.

- Limey prick.
- Terry?

If you ever want to see
your brother alive again,

you bring that body
to the desert at dawn,

- you got me?
- Okay, all right.

Give me an hour.

Let's get them out of here.

Come on, up you get.

Some guy took Terry
out of here at gunpoint.

- Is this him?
- That's him.

Don't suppose he mentioned
where they were headed.

I didn't ask.

Are you interested in specials?

All right, just stop.

If you were gonna
steal the coffin,

you must have had a
way to transport it.

The truck's out back.

- Shut up.
- Perfect.

Hey look, I'll make you a deal.

Help me move this thing and
I'll cut you in on the reward.

Okay, but we're
coming with you.

Partners.

Fine, then everybody's
going to the desert.

- Nice work, Billy.
- Thank you.

Where's the other one?

He'll be here soon.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm the last person
you're ever gonna see,

you little prick.

Not if my brother has
something to say about it.

Even if your brother
turns up with 30K,

you boys, you ain't
leaving the desert.

We didn't bring
shovels for nothing.

Stupid fucking Limeys.

Who the fuck are these people?

You all right, Terry?

Kinda.

Who the fuck are all of you?

We want the reward.

What reward?

Why'd you bring them?

I needed their truck, okay?

What, you couldn't borrow
a truck again from Mr. Lloyd?

Listen, nobody else needs
to lose their ears, okay?

We got the body.

What fucking body?

The body of Charlie Chaplin.

You Limey pricks stole that?

Yeah, we did.

Yeah, we did, okay?

It's not the best plan in
the world, but it's ours,

and he's worth 100 grand reward,

so let's just do
this and get it done.

Hey, that's our body.

Someone shut her the fuck up.

My pleasure.

Or not.

We're in control here.

You, ponytail.

Go in the back of
the silver Cadillac

and get the shovels out.

We're gonna need 'em.

Who the hell is this?

What the fuck
are you doing here?

You two gonna
tell him, or am I?

What the fuck?

It's busier than Piccadilly
Circus around here.

What's going on here?

Thank God you're here, feeling
a little outnumbered here.

Everyone needs to
put the guns down

and kneel on the ground.

Shoot her now.

Drop the gun or I'll
blow her fucking head off,

I mean it, and yours too.

Now drop the guns, drop them.

Call for backup.

- Sorry.
- Gardiner?

Now look what shit
you've got us into, Terry.

- Shut up.
- Me?

Yeah you, who else?

I didn't fucking do this.

- This was your idea.
- No it wasn't.

You said dig up Chaplin.

- I was drunk.
- You're always drunk.

Just shut the fuck
up, both of you.

I've only been drunk once.

Which has lasted 30 years.

What's your point?

How did your country
ever have a fucking empire?

I said shut

Annie!

Fuck me, that was a
bit close, wasn't it?

I'm telling you, next time
we dig up someone less famous.

What good would
that do, Terry?

Help!

We gotta get her
to the hospital.

Get the coffin out.

I know CPR.

CPR, we don't need CPR.

Get her in the truck,
get her in the truck.

She's still breathing.

You're not a doctor.

He doesn't need to be a doctor

to see if she's still
breathing, Terry.

She didn't even
finish high school.

What does that have
to do with anything?

You don't even know
what CPR stands for.

'Course I do, critical
pressure release.

Critical pressure release?

Sounds like you're
having a wank.

So then they
just left me in the desert.

I mean, I am a Hollywood icon.

They just dropped me
like a hot potato,

but then I guess
it doesn't matter.

I mean, I am dead.

It's not like I've
got someplace to be.

Suppose it's like I used to say,

nothing is permanent
in this wicked world.

Not even your troubles.

- It's him.
- Who?

Chaplin, the body they've
been talking about on the news.

- The news?
- Yeah, and there's a reward.

Well don't just
stand there, call them.

This must be our lucky day.

What now, Terry?

We have to
get out of this city.

And go where?

Anywhere, somewhere
we can start all over again.

You mean
again again again.

I believe in
second chances, it's calming.

Terry,
this has got to be

our tenth or eleventh chance.

Maybe we should
have just gone bigger.

Bigger?

Bigger than Chaplin, who's that?

John Lennon.

He's cremated, Terry.

What about Elvis?

We know where he's buried.

Have you
gone completely nuts?

- Well yeah, but
- You know what,

it isn't even nuts, is it?

You're just drinking again.

Just forget
I said anything.

No no, you're
gotta be level 10 drunk

to have suggested Elvis.

You ever
been to Memphis?

All right, well
we should look it up

just to investigate this.

I'm not saying yes, Terry.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull