Original subtitles

Aw.

My job sucks.

Got no future, got no benefits.

I'm here to play.

Oh, yeah? Who are you?

Who am I? I'm on the list.

Show me the list. I'll point me out.

Yeah. There is no list.

Charles Lazaro invited me.

Oh, so what you're telling me

is that you're a friend of Fat Charlie's?

Well, I'm not a friend like the doughnut guy,

but, yeah, we're friends.

Well, we got a little problem here, pal.

Fat Charlie has no friends.

You know what? I think we got off on the wrong foot here.

Thug?

Mr. Thug?

Oh, shit.

Goin' down.

Jimmy, you crafty son of a bitch.

You really think you were gonna get away with this?

Huh?

Step back a couple feet, will you?

My name's Bond...

Barry Bond... s.

Huh?

You got a little something...

Right in the...

Play the paper.

Sir, there is a $100 minimum.

Right. Of course. Heh.

How embarrassing.

There we go.

There's... There's twenty-one.

And that's, uh, yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing there, Polyester Paul?

Excuse me, sir?

You're dealing from the bottom of the deck.

This man is dealing from the bottom of the deck!

Did you see that?

See what? Okay? We all caught you.

Is there a problem, sir?

Yes, there's a problem.

Three-card Monty here is dealing from the bottom of the deck.

I assure you, sir, that's impossible.

Oh. Really?

If it's impossible, then how come he dealt himself

a perfect... Thirteen?

Ohh.

Sir, why don't you step this way?

We'll sort this out.

Don't you know who I am?

No, I don't know who you are.

Okay, well, why don't you find somebody who does.

All right, Zorro?

Well, looks like today's your lucky day.

I know who you are.

See? He knows who I am.

Oh, yeah.

You're the guy that's leaving here tonight

in the trunk of my car.

Let me guess. Fat Charlie, right?

That's right, moron.

Now listen to me.

Nobody accuses my joint of cheating, you got that?

Yeah, well, I do, and I got the pictures to prove it.

See for yourself.

There ain't no pictures here.

Charles Lazaro, you're hereby served

to appear as a witness in the racketeering trial

of Freddy Marcuso.

What are you, some kind of a wacko?

Serving me papers in my own joint?

Rip his jugular vein out.

Okay, Lieutenant.

If I'm not out in 60 seconds, send in your boys.

Okay, Joe. Roger that.

Charles, it's a pleasure serving you.

And you,

- eat something. - What?

You don't fit in.

Heh.

Nice work, kiddo.

Next time, you hurry up.

I'm freezing my ass off out here.

There you go.

And, hey, don't spend all that on candy.

Son of a bitch.

It took you six days to serve this guy.

Six freakin' days!

Hey, he disappeared on me.

A guy named Fat Charlie disappeared on you?

Poof. Puff the Magic Dragon.

Just gone. Poof. Bye-bye.

And I guess you mean to tell me you ain't see

the Chrysler Building on your way over here, either.

If you want to spend your life chasing

nickel-and-dime papers, you go right ahead.

Ray, the guy was a difficult mark,

and I served him clean.

What else do you want?

You know what I want?

I want you to be more like Tony here.

Well, that's impossible. I walk upright.

What are you saying? I don't have good posture?

You're a Neanderthal.

And I say kiss my ass.

My mouth's not big enough.

Hey, hey, hey. Look...

You see this?

I gave Tony this file two hours ago.

It's done.

What's going on with you, Joe?

You used to be my money guy,

my assassin.

Now, in the time it takes you to do one job,

Wopalong Cassidy here serves seven papers.

It would've been eight, but I let Joe have that one

in Miami.

The only reason that is that the mook can't take Miami.

It's too damn hot down there.

Miami's not a city. It's a steam room with mosquitoes.

That's great, Tony.

You're a regular process-serving savant.

What'd you call me? Savant.

That's somebody who's really good at something...

Oh, thanks, Joe.

While being a complete idiot.

Hey!

Ladies, please.

Yeah, you really did serve these really fast.

In fact, you served them yesterday.

What? What are you talking about?

What's the date today? It's the... The 10th.

It's the 11th, numb nuts.

Give me that.

Goddamn it, Tony!

Relax, Ray, relax.

I'll go back to the courthouse. I'll refile it.

It's the big white building

with the pillars in front of it.

Hey, screw you, Joe!

I'm tired of you calling me stupid.

I'm not the one growin' a grape vine

in my living room.

This loser thinks he's going be

Ernest and Julio freakin' Gallo.

Ray, do you have a job for me or not?

Look, I got one job right now.

It's an important job out of Texas.

It pays five grand.

Well, I was gonna give it to Tony,

seeing he's been so hot lately,

but now that we know he can't read a goddamn calendar,

makes me a little edgy.

So here.

What, you're gonna give it to Joe?

After two months of screw-ups?

It's gonna take him 10 weeks to serve it.

Well, thanks for the prediction,

Nostra-dumbass. Don't you have a courthouse to find?

Eat me.

Eat you?

I've never been that hungry in my life.

Listen, Joe,

this is the Texas branch

of my biggest account here in New York.

This file could open up

a lot of out-of-state business for me,

you understand?

It's an easy job.

All you gotta do is do it fast.

None of that lollygagging six-day crap on this.

I'm serious!

You got it, boss. And let me just say

from the bottom of my heart...

That suit is kickin'.

Get out!

I'm gonna go. You better go!

This suit kickin'. Shit. This suit cost me $300.

Say, what time's your flight again, sweetheart?

It's 11:20.

Well, lookee there. Perfect timing.

I am the King.

Well done, Mr. Cowboy.

That's right, Mama. I tell you what.

You're my darling, dearest, deary,

darlin' gal, and I'll tell you what,

any of them New York boys got

their hands on you, and ooh, I wouldn't know what to do.

Well, here we are.

Now, hey, you'll call me when you get there?

I will. Oh, I'm sorry.

I love you, girl. I love you, too.

Okay.

You get that all right?

Well, go on. Have a good time.

Okay. Bye.

Hey, you!

Hey, darlin'!

Hey, how are you?

Good.

Huh? What'd I tell ya?

Perfect timin'.

You're the King. Thank you very much.

Ooh, I missed you.

Hey.

All right, all right, we're gone.

Quick as a hiccup.

Hey, Joe.

No hard feelings about before, Joe?

Really. Good luck.

Yeah. Blow me.

Yeah. Keep dreaming, Joe.

He gets me with that every time.

Hello?

Sara Moore? Yeah.

Listen up.

If I were you,

I'd get the hell out of your apartment right now.

Who is this?

Let's just say, uh, a friend.

Look, some asshole is on his way up there

to serve you papers. He's gonna say he's delivering flowers.

Papers?

What, is this about my parking tickets?

No, no, no. It's a lot bigger than that.

Look, I really don't have any idea

what you're talking about, so...

Hey, lady, when is getting served papers

ever good, huh? Don't be stupid. Hang up and get out.

Oh. Um...

Sara Moore?

Um, no.

She lives there in 7E.

Thanks.

You know, once that little light goes on,

you're good. Yeah.

Sara, welcome home!

Why are you calling me Sara?

Hey! Sara!

Merry Christmas.

Shit.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Oh.

Excuse me. Ahh.

Ho. Whoa!

Mrs. Moore. Do you have an appointment?

I just need to get away for a sec.

Okay. Have a nice day.

I'd like to request...

Sir, can I help you?

Sir, this is a woman's spa, sir.

Cool.

Either of you two creatures seen Sara Moore?

Get out!

Hey, you are wrapped too tight, lady.

Excuse me, sir, you cannot...

Hey, Sara, welcome back!

Why do people keep calling me Sara? I'm not.

Can I help you?

Hello?

Damn, slow down.

Whoa.

Oh.

I can't believe you messed this up.

I did not mess it up.

I told you he'd mess it up. It's a goddamn cakewalk, Joe.

Look, I chased her all through Midtown Manhattan

for two hours. I froze my dick off.

Boo-hyphen-hoo.

Ha!

Has anybody informed you this job is not easy?

I'm gonna find her. It's not gonna be a problem.

Well, it already is a problem.

I'm giving the file to Tony.

What?

Come on, give me the papers.

You know what?

I don't know what the hell I was thinking

giving you this job in the first place.

Look, you are making a mistake, Ray.

I know exactly where she is.

Good! Tell it to Tony.

Thanks, boss.

She's up Ray's ass.

You should know your way around.

Hey, Joe. Hey, Lenny.

Santa, you're supposed to give the gifts, not take them.

I've got a present for you.

Milty, I need a favor.

Yeah, and I need a smaller prostate.

I need the file on 4983!

That's a small uzi and two vials of crack.

Milt, Milt, look.

Can you get me the addresses

on these speed-dial phone numbers please?

Uh, I don't know if you noticed here,

but the "in" is winning by a landslide.

Okay.

Maybe this'll help.

Oh, no. I think my eyes are going

because I only see 20 bucks.

How about now?

Oh, there we go.

20/20.

20/20.

Come back at 7:00.

7:00? That's the best you can do?

Oh. Now my hearing's off.

I'll see you at 7:00.

Miami Marriott.

Uh, yes, I'd like to make a reservation, please...

Under the name "Sara Moore"...

For a check-in early tomorrow morning.

Okay.

Thank you.

Now, let's see how we did today.

Ooh, careful.

Oh, yeah.

Nice nose.

Better than yesterday.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm the idiot.

Nice place.

It's good.

Miami Marriott.

Uh, Sara Moore, please.

One moment please.

Uh, sir, I'm sorry,

but Miss Moore won't be checking in

until tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

I gotcha.

May I help you?

You got gas.

Excuse me?

You got leakage.

Excuse me?

Not you, lady, your house.

But we have electric.

Yeah, I know. That's why it's kind of a pickle.

Can I sniff around?

Actually, no.

Thanks.

I'm not sniffing any gas,

but I do detect the smell of coffee.

You know, I think you should just leave.

Why don't you run in the kitchen and grab me

a cup of coffee, all right, cupcake? Nice place you got here.

- It's real rustic. - Amanda?

Hey, are you okay? What's going on?

I heard all that shouting down there.

Oh, no.

Sara Moore, you're hereby served for divorce.

Divorce? What?

Smile.

No, hang on. Wait a minute.

You must have the wrong person.

Um, you must be looking for

a different Sara Moore. That's what they all say.

But I'm happily married.

Not anymore.

Could I get that coffee to go or...

This is Ray. Who the hell is this?

Hey, Ray!

I'll tell you who the hell this is.

It's Joe.

So why don't you put that doughnut down for a second and listen to me?

Guess who I just served? Sara Moore.

That's right.

So, get your checkbook out,

and since you took me off this gig

and I had to do it on my own time,

you better pay me double, okay?

Say good night, sweet prince.

Oh, no.

Uhh!

Look, if you want to use the phone, just ask.

You serve Fat Charlie, and now Fat Charlie serves you!

And I say we served him pretty good, too.

So, Brooklyn's in the house?

Hey.

Oh, my God. Sara!

Sara, oh, my God, you've got to see this.

What?

Huh? Huh? What about this?

Now do I fit in? How does that fit, huh?

Heh. I'm glad.

Aldo, you know, I've been doing some thinking lately.

I'm getting kind of tired of carpooling. How about you?

I could use a little room myself, you don't mind, Petey.

There's a car right here. I could just take this car, no?

Why not?

You're not taking my car, that was nothin'. Come on!

Whoa.

That all you got? Get over here!

What are you, some kind of machinist?

Are you trying to say "masochist"?

What a meathead.

Whoa.

Uhh!

Hold on. Hold on a second. Your diaper's loose.

Uh!

That's it?

That's all you girls got?

That was nothin'!

Nothin'!

Baby's gonna take nappy.

Ohh.

Sorry. Wretched bag.

Well, well, there is a god.

Actually, it was two Italians.

Do you have any feelings?

Do you have any shred of humanity or compassion?

Well, little sick dogs pull at my heartstrings,

but certainly not trophy wives from Australia.

Australia?

Look, first of all, I'm English, you twit.

And second of all,

we've had our ups and downs, but I stuck it out,

and trophy wives don't do that.

You know what?

The guy on the phone was right.

You are an asshole.

Hey, I was just doing my j...

What guy on the phone?

The guy that called up to my apartment

to say you were on your way up with those lovely papers.

Somebody tipped you off? Who?

Yeah, like I know everyone in New York

with a Brooklyn accent.

Tony. It's gotta be Tony.

The son of a bitch.

He's been tipping off my marks for two months.

That's why it's been so hard.

Well, my heart bleeds for you.

I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!

Mind your own business, pork chop.

Goddamn bug!

Hey, chico, make it cooler. Cooler!

Not louder! Cooler!

No gringo. Italiano!

Mambo Italiano.

No Mambo Italiano. Mambo king!

Armand Assante.

Hey, chico, just drop me off in America, okay?

Hey, hey, I've got another question.

How do people do it?

I know you're awake, so stop pretending to be asleep.

Actually, I was pretending to be dead,

but can't fool you.

How can someone end a marriage like that,

just... Pow?

Look, are you telling me you didn't see this coming?

Let me guess, a lot of trips out of town.

"Go ahead, honey. Go ahead.

"Don't worry your pretty little head.

"I'll take care of the homestead."

Not to mention those extra poker nights with the boys.

Gordon doesn't play poker.

Missing my point.

Look, I've served thousands of subpoenas.

Granted, never one to somebody as hot as you.

I don't know your husband,

but I do have a great deal of insight into men,

and we are mean, hurtful, and despicable.

Male headquarters would kill me if they knew I was telling you this.

Yeah, well, despicable is putting it mildly.

And then you complain that we get half of everything.

Believe me, for this type of treatment,

half is the very least we should get.

The only thing you're gonna get half of,

honey, is screwed. What do you mean?

He served you first, he's in Texas,

and he's got home court advantage.

Wait, served me first?

What is this, third grade?

Yeah, sometimes.

Texas has the most conservative divorce laws in the country.

Not to mention those good ol' boy judges.

I'm sure most of them aren't married to their first wives.

Believe me, if I had known this was coming,

I'd have been the one doing the serving.

Yeah. How about that, huh?

Whatever.

No, seriously, what would've happened if I'd served him first?

Okay, if you had served him first,

the trial would've been in New York, not in Texas,

where you would have fared a lot better.

Fifty percent better, actually.

Hey, I have a proposition for you.

You tear up the papers on me, and I'll hire you

to serve my husband. I'll pay you twice what you're getting now.

Look, here's what you don't understand.

I've already told them that I served you, okay?

So if I flip it and tag your husband,

my reputation will be shot.

I'll never work again.

I'll give you ten percent of my divorce settlement.

We own a cattle ranch. It's worth $20 million.

$20 million? Mmm-hmm.

Ten percent of half.

Mmm-hmm.

You're willing to pay me a million dollars?

Well, that still leaves nine for me,

versus next to nothing. It's kind of a no-brainer.

You're really serious?

I think we should draw up a contract.

Let's see.

I'm not going to be needing this.

One...

Million...

Dollars. Great. Let's go.

Thanks a lot.

Miami Marriott.

If anybody calls for Miss Sara Moore,

tell them she's relocated to one of your hotels

in Bangor, Maine.

Bangor, Maine.

That's right. Bangor, Maine. That's where she'll be.

I thought we were going to Dallas?

We are. Just playing a little game of hide and seek.

Now break out your credit cards.

We got tickets to buy.

All right, got my papers,

and you know your way around this place, right?

Actually, I've never been inside before.

Gordon always said it was his place to come and "focus."

All you have to do is point him out

and then stay out of sight, because if he sees you,

we're done.

Is it okay if I strangle him from behind?

Yes, you can do whatever you want,

but wait until I serve him.

Okay.

Let me see that scarf.

Okay, all set. If you have a moment,

I'd like to take you two on a little tour here

of our facility. Why, that would be lovely.

Great.

So, what part of London are you from?

Hampstead.

Hmm. I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with it.

Well, it's on the corner of Penny Lane and Abbey Road.

Hmm, very interesting.

How many pounds were you looking at losing?

Well, I don't think it's important

to talk about money at this point, do you?

You see, pounds, money... Be quiet.

How exactly did you hear about us,

Mr. and Mrs...

Poppins?

Well, we have an acquaintance here at the club,

a Gordon Moore. Solid, solid... Solid fellow.

Absolutely. As a matter of fact,

I believe Mr. Moore is working out here this morning.

Perhaps we'll run into him.

Perhaps.

I'll just show you the men's area now.

Jolly good.

Mrs. Poppins, if you'll wait here

for just a moment, we'll be back in a jiffy, as you say.

Oh. Okay, thanks.

I know.

I should tell you I don't like to lift things.

I'm sweatin' and you're glowin', darlin'.

Hey, how's my form?

Yours is pretty good.

Keep it up, Gordon.

Oh, it's up. It's up.

Focusing, asshole!

Sara! Yeah?

Joe, quick, it's him! Quick!

Where? Where?

You stop him, Allison.

Look, lady, I'm not gonna hit a girl, okay?

You go, girl!

Come on, Joe!

Well, I guess there's a first time for everything.

Nice.

Ohh!

Take that!

Aah!

Quick! He's getting away!

Remind me to give you a raise.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Look, babe, can we talk about this?

Ohh!

Way to lay low back there.

Well, you said to point him out.

I just pointed him out.

Hey, you're gonna have to get in control

of your anger, okay? Made us look like fools in there.

I did? Well, hey, at least I wasn't beaten up by a girl.

Hey, that was not a girl.

I distinctly saw an Adam's apple

and a bulge that I was not comfortable with.

The only thing we had going for us was

the element of surprise, and you blew that.

Look, I know Gordon's habits.

I can easily find him again.

Oh, what do you think, he's just gonna sit around,

waiting for us to serve him?

No. He's history.

All he has to do is jump on the first international flight,

and then we're done, all right?

Even if I find him, I can't serve him outside the United States.

I don't like your tone.

Oh, you don't like my tone, Your Highness?

Don't forget, whenever I want, I can serve your papers again.

Look, you can stand there and threaten me,

or we can just get in the car

and go and find Gordon.

Oh, yeah? Okay, where do you want to go... Boss?

Well, as your boss, I'd be interested in your suggestions.

This is crazy. You're crazy. And I quit.

Hey, I thought you were quitting.

Who the hell am I gonna quit to?

I gave up half my life for this crap.

So, what are we gonna do first?

Well, I think we, uh,

and when I say "we," I mean you,

should find a mute button for yourself.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Yo!

Hello. Can I help you?

Yeah, you can help me.

I got an important business meeting with a Sara Moore.

Sara Moore?

Sara Moore. Moore. M-O-O-O-R-E.

Here.

You're sure about that?

Yeah, I'm sure about that. What's the matter?

I don't look like a goddamn businessman to you?

No. Sir.

It's just that her reservation's been cancelled.

Cancelled? What the... I do have a forwarding address,

if that would be helpful. Yeah, that would be helpful.

Can you throw in a little breeze while you're at it?

Hey, cutie, how you doing?

She's nice. Who's that, your sister?

Okay, Warren, earn your money.

You want to tell me what the hell's going on?

Sure. Everything is beautiful.

My best guy served her this morning up in Westchester.

All I'm doing is waiting on the papers.

Oh, really? Well, maybe you can explain how that's possible

when she's in Dallas, moron.

Dallas? Dallas, Texas?

That's right, and she's not alone, either.

She's down here with some goddamn process server trying to serve my client.

Who's this Joe, anyway? Is he one of yours? Joe?

Joe the singer?

No, I, I don't know a Joe.

Can't say I know a Joe.

Look here, uh, Mr. Moore,

don't worry about a thing, okay?

All right?

Just give me a little more time,

and, as God is my witness, I will nail this bitch.

I will chase her down like a German shepherd, like she owed me money!

Hey!

My wife you're talkin' about there, putz!

Of course, sir. My apologies. Ahem.

This better get done.

Or I'm gonna hang your ass out to dry,

you understand?

"This better get done.

"Otherwise, I'm gonna hang your ass out to dry."

Jesus.

A redneck telling a black man he gonna hang him!

It's the new millennium.

Page Tony!

And get Farrakhan and them on the phone.

I think they might want a trip down there.

Doris, could you send Vernon in here, please?

Now, Gordon, as your attorney,

I would advise you not to get your personal security involved in the matter.

Well, as my attorney, you screwed this up, dickweed.

Now... Let's go over this one more time.

I'm telling you, I don't know where it is.

You're telling me you don't know where it is?

No. I swear to God.

Yeah.

Tell Mr. Moore I'll be there momentarily.

Listen to me, you little punk.

You're not going anywhere

until we find the stapler.

It was Tommy... In accounting. He took it!

I use paperclips!

Ooh... Oh, my word.

I'm just getting right off.

You're aware of my current personal situation, right?

As much as you told me, yes, sir.

See, I got my tail in a crack here,

and I want you to do whatever you need to do

to keep this lowlife server away from me, okay?

Now, my overpaid lawyer here

will fill you in on his description and whereabouts.

Now, he's with my wife, so let's not let anything happen to her.

But, now that guy, oh, well...

I could give a rat's ass.

Oh, I'll take care of it, sir.

Got Tony on line two. He says there's a problem.

No kidding. Where the hell are you?

I'm in Maine!

Maine? What the hell you doin' in Maine?

I'm freezin' my balls off, that's what.

The bitch is in Dallas, you idiot.

Dallas? I think Joe set me up.

Oh. There's a newsflash.

Look, he's down there with her

trying to serve her husband. He flipped on us.

He flipped his mark.

Now, you go stick your balls in a cup of hot cocoa,

click your heels three times, Dorothy,

and get down to Dallas.

You nail her first, or we are done!

It's over. You understand?

Ooh.

You know, I need to call Miss Cleo.

Psychics, psychics, is that "P" or "S"?

Let me guess, employees of the month?

Ha ha.

So I just, I just don't know

what's normal anymore.

Hi, Doris.

What's going on?

I would love to tell you, but I can't.

Mr. Moore had his lawyer make all of us sign...

Affidavits this morning

saying we wouldn't divulge his whereabouts.

Hmm, nice.

Well, you've been completely useless, Doris.

I really wish I hadn't been so nice to you over the years.

Let's go, let's go.

So, what's in Durango?

Oh, we just bought a cattle ranch there.

I haven't been there myself yet, though.

It's Gordon's little pet project.

How do you feel about walking faster?

Good. Good.

Two tickets on the next flight to Durango, please.

Okie-dokie, I just need your credit card and some ID please.

Sure.

There you go.

Oh. Well, at least those two are happy.

Oh, please. That has affair written all over it.

Why do you say that? Who makes out with their wife?

See? Ring...

No ring.

I bet Gordon's having an affair.

You think?

Yeah. You know what? I really do.

Um, I'm sorry, Miss, but my computer shows

that your credit card's been, um, cancelled.

Cancelled?

Gordon virus. Goddamn it!

No, no, look. I know he wants to divorce me,

but believe me, he would not want me to be penniless.

Excuse me. Could you try this card?

Honey, if he cancelled that card, he cancelled all the cards.

Excuse me one sec.

Uh, hey...

Denise. Hi.

It's not fair.

Oh, no!

I just landed. I'll take care of business.

I'm at the airport. All right. All right.

Ow! Hey, fat boy, you need to watch where you're going.

These tickets say Durango. We need to go to Amarillo.

This is gonna take me another minute.

Hey, Joe. What a nice surprise.

Oh, nice look, Don Ho.

So, racking up those frequent flyer miles?

Yeah. Thanks for the world tour, ass wipe.

Well, you've been tipping off my marks

for about a month, so I figured it was payback time.

You figured that out, huh?

Yeah, using my brain and all.

Yeah, well, the way I see it,

all those jobs were mine before you came along.

So I was just taking back what already belonged to me.

You grew up around a lot of lead paint, didn't you?

Enough of the chit chat, where's the girl?

What girl? The girl!

Oh, Sara? Yeah.

Oh, I think she's in Copenhagen.

Right? Copenhagen. Yeah.

Really?

Yeah. The luge finals.

Oh, that wouldn't be her walking out of the bathroom over there, now, would it?

Yo, Tony!

What?

Hey, look, that man...

He's trying to serve you!

What? Go! Go! Go!

Here! Look!

Uh...

Aah! Oof!

Aah! Oh, no!

Ohh...

Oh, uh...

You okay? No!

Oh, God!

Can we stop, please? Oh!

Oh! My pant leg is stuck!

Ow!

Okay! Uh, here! Take...

What are you doing?

Okay!

Jesus Christ, I said help me, not undress me!

Oh I'm sorry. I didn't hear you over the big machine

that was going to rip you into little pieces.

Come on.

Well, I only have half a pair of pants on,

if you hadn't noticed. Well I, for one, think you look great.

Find me something to wear.

Okay.

No, not this one! Look there!

Here.

No.

I'll do it.

Huh. Which Judd sister are you?

Hey, it's the only thing that fitted.

That fits?

Yes.

Yee-haw.

I ain't cleanin' it up.

Excuse me, cowboy.

Miss, I'm looking for my friend.

You know, the guy I was talking to before.

You mean that guy who threw the dog at you?

Yeah, what a kidder. Always playing jokes.

Can you tell me where he's going? Amarillo.

Amarillo? Amarillo, yeah, but our last flight just left,

and he didn't even get his tickets.

This his wallet? Yeah.

Good. I'll make sure he gets it back.

Oh, no, sir.

Watch it, man!

Amarillo. What the hell is in Amarillo?

The Pepsi Monster Smash comes to Dallas

this Friday, Friday, Friday! And two shows Saturday at the Union Arena!

I think we should find a hotel.

What? We're making great time.

You said we're, like, three hours away.

All I know is that if you sneak

onto a cattle ranch in the middle of the night,

two things are guaranteed to happen.

One, you're gonna tread in cow shit,

and two, you're gonna get shot.

So, you want to get a hotel?

Come and get him, Joe.

I'll be waiting.

Oh, your sister's ass!

Oh!

Don't shoot!

Don't shoot!

Hold up!

I'm no thief! I'm just a process server!

Damn!

Let me get this straight.

You're telling me you're here from the motel's parent company

doing spot inspections,

and I should give you a room for free

so you can see how it is.

That's correct, sir. And let me just say

that the degree of professionalism

that you are exhibiting here today

will undoubtedly go in my report.

Well, let me just say

that either you fork over $34.95,

or you are plumb outta luck, mister.

You got me?

We're sleeping in the car.

Let me have a go.

Sir, we've been robbed.

Please take pity on us.

Lady, there ain't no way in hell

I'm gonna give you a room here for free.

Um...

That's, uh, room 17. Thank you.

Oh, and we do have suites available as well.

And let me know if you need any ice.

I love you!

Bummer.

Hey. How was your bath?

You mean shower. There's no tub in here.

Oh, well, I'll call the concierge.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

You got us a free room in a dump.

Tease me all you like, I just don't feel right if I don't have a bath.

I don't get you Americans with your two-minute showers.

Well, it could be worse.

We could be French and skip the whole thing.

You must admit, though, it's pretty cool

the way I got us our free room.

Oh, yeah.

What are you doing?

Well, I've gotten into bed,

and now I'm going to sleep.

No. I am the girl. I get the bed.

All right, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you draw an imaginary line,

and I will promise not to cross it, okay?

Okay. My line goes all the way around the bed.

I knew you were gonna say that.

Thank you!

Oh, yeah.

Ah.

Mmm!

Comfy?

Yeah. Lights out?

No, you know what? I'm just going to, uh...

Stay up and read the Bible for a while.

Good night.

Yeah, I guess I got the gist of it.

You know, assuming you serve Gordon tomorrow,

what are you going to do with the money?

Why do girls always have another question after "good night"?

Come on. I'm just curious.

Well, if you must know...

I was kind of hoping to have my own vineyard.

Napa Valley or somewhere.

Come on, I'm being serious.

Oh, seriously.

Well...

A while back, I was this hot-shot attorney.

You know? I had all the attachments that go with that gig.

You know, a big house, nice car. Beautiful girlfriend.

Fiancee, actually.

Oh, that sounds terrible.

I can see why you turned your back on it.

Well, anyway, I was given this high-profile case

to defend this guy in the cement business.

In other words, the mob.

Really? How did you know that?

I have an eye for that kind of stuff.

And he told me he was in the mob.

Then I realized I'd just become this cliche.

You know? Some sleazy defense attorney,

and at that moment, boom. I got out.

I don't blame you.

Well, the beautiful fiancee did.

Soon as the money ran out, so did she.

Sss, ow.

Yeah. Ow.

You know, all kidding aside,

after you quit, didn't you miss the money?

Well, being successful isn't all about money.

No?

Heh.

So your girlfriend ditched you because you didn't have enough money,

and my husband's ditching me to get it all.

All right. Good night, then.

Good night, then.

Oh, all right.

All right what?

I moved the line.

Oh.

It's still there. I just moved it a little.

Oh. Come on.

Thanks. Thank you.

Oh! Sorry.

That's okay. Just don't let it happen again.

Okay.

Gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you to my ranch.

Now, I know in your country,

it's polite to remove your shoes

when you're visitin' someone's humble abode...

Who are all those Japanese guys around Gordon?

I have no idea.

You do that around here, those white socks...

Go on. Go and serve him.

Okay.

Oh, no, wait!

What? What?

Who's that?

That is trouble.

Well, these here are getting

their daily massages.

Wyatt Earp looks pissed.

Quick. Let's get out of here.

Hey, Vernon! I need you for a minute!

Whoa!

Boy, am I glad to see you two.

Really?

Of course he is.

Follow me.

Okay.

Well, you sure made it fast enough.

Now, we're just having the damnedest old time milking that old boy today.

Well, that's the problem.

See, if you want to get milk, you need to use a girl cow.

Um, you are the vet, right?

Yes, I am the vet.

And I'm the vet's nurse.

Um, it's casual Friday.

Ol' Tornado over there,

he's normally our feistiest bull,

good for at least a quart a week.

But today, hell, we can't get his pump primed.

Would you excuse me, please? I need to talk with my... nurse.

Excuse me.

Tell me they are not talking about

what I think they're talking about.

What do you think they're talking about?

Masturbating an impotent bull.

Ding ding ding ding!

So, what do you think, doc?

Well, you know what? We just got a page

telling us that a sheep has fallen into a lake

and is shrinking at at an amazing rate.

Just getting smaller and smaller.

Go look over there!

Yes, sir! Better find somebody, or it's your ass!

How small can a sheep get, I guess?

So, um, how do you get things started?

What do you do to get the bulls ready?

You know, the regular way,

but we've been trying that for over an hour.

Poor old Mickey there can't even lift his arms up no more.

Well, maybe it's a question of inspiration.

I mean, that is a very attractive rump,

but maybe Tornado needs a little more oomph.

Like what?

Have you tried a Barry White CD?

Why don't you just do what the other doc did when this happened to Attila?

You know, relieve the pressure on the prostate?

Prostate pressure?

Right. Um, nurse? Did you bring the tools?

Um, no, I'm afraid I forgot them.

She forgot the tools.

Ha! Can't really do anything without the tools.

That's all right, doc.

We got everything you need.

Oh, dear God.

Here, let me help.

Let's get you nice and lubricated.

How far up is the prostate?

When you think you've got there, keep going.

We're ready when you are, doc.

You fellas haven't been feeding Tornado

any Mexican food, have you?

Aah! Whoa.

Get your dumb ass over here!

Yes, Mr. Vernon.

Keep looking.

I'm sorry.

Go on, doc. He ain't gonna give you an invitation.

Especially not from this end.

Oh...

Ooh.

How's it feel in there, doc?

Compared to what?

Better go a little further, doc. There ain't nothing happening yet.

Let me help you, doc.

That's the spot, doc. You got it.

Damn, that thing shot up like a fire hose.

I'm uncomfortable. Help...

Sure wish you folks could've been here a little earlier.

Mr. Moore came by and had a bunch of those corporate fellas with him.

He was damn embarrassed that old Tornado couldn't put on his usual show.

Look at him go.

Oh, great, I've lost my ring.

What, was he giving them a special tour or something?

Ah, I think it was a little more than a little tour.

I hear he's trying to sell the whole damn company.

Hey, you hear that, doc? Mr. Moore is trying to sell the whole damn company.

That's fascinating.

I can't believe that Gordon is trying to sell this company!

Mind you, I have to say, I think it's good news for us.

Well, you know, if he's in the middle of a big sales pitch, he can hardly skip town.

You don't seem very excited.

Did you see what I just did in there?

I'm gonna need a minute, okay?

A bull is lighting a cigarette in there because of me.

Oh.

There goes my mark.

Hey, come on. Let's go back to Dallas.

Oh, my God! Quick!

No, no, no, no!

Oh!

The guy must hate veterinarians.

No. No, Mr. Cebron.

Everything's under control. Okay?

I just need a little more time.

If everything's so goddamn under control,

tell me what that process server was doing

snooping around Gordon's ranch up in Durango this morning?

What?

Listen, dirt bag, by tomorrow morning,

I'm gonna have these papers out to three other firms.

That means you better get her served by the end of the day,

or you're off the case. You understand?

Yeah, yeah.

Page Tony!

Tony's holding on line two.

How'd he do that?

Where the hell are you?

Don't give me any lip, Ray. I got shot.

What?

Some nurse is about to pick pellets out of my back

with a pair of needle-nose pliers,

so just chill, all right?

Lucky for you, these wounds are only superficial.

First we gotta mow that lawn. I've been meaning to get that done anyway.

Mmm-hmm.

Tony! Where are you now? Amarillo. I found out Joe and the girl

were gonna serve Mr. Moore at his ranch in Amarillo,

so I figured I'd ambush them.

Amarillo? Father, help me.

They are in Durango.

Durango?

What the...

You know, that Joe's getting to be one big pain in my... Aah!

Sorry. Must've snagged a weed.

I got a goddamn butcher here!

Durango.

Durango!

Oh, man.

Whoa! Nice house.

Thanks. You know what?

I can't wait to check Gordon's files

to see just who he thinks he's selling my company to.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What if somebody's home?

There's only Maria, my housekeeper.

All right, at least do me a favor, okay?

You go through the back and get the files,

and I'll distract the housekeeper.

All right, but be nice, okay?

I really like her.

I think I can handle that.

Hi!

Holy...

Can I help you?

Are you Maria?

No, I'm Kate.

Do you know Maria?

Do I know Maria?

Do I know... Yes, Maria's my...

Second cousin twice removed.

Oh, my, well let me get her for you. She's...

Oh, no, no. Don't do that. If I know Maria, and I do,

she's not gonna want to come downstairs

until she looks like Salma Hayek, if you know what I'm saying.

Oh. Okay.

Do you have a bathroom or something?

Because when you say "Big Gulp" up here in Texas,

you're not kidding around. Oh, of course!

Come on in! Oh, gracias. Don't worry.

It's just number one.

Um, let me show you where it is.

So, are you from El Salvador?

What?

Well, Maria's from El Salvador,

so I figured... Oh that's right. El Salvador High.

Go Iguanas! Cha-cha-cha!

Your English is very good.

Well, we had cable.

Oh. All right, if you just look,

is that all wine?

Yeah. My boyfriend has quite the collection.

Well, he is a lucky man,

you pink goddess of love.

No more callers. We've got a winner.

Wow!

I take it y'all don't have a lot of wine down in El Salvador?

What?

Oh, yes. No, where I'm from, it's mostly margaritas.

Ole!

Have you ever had a cabernet blend that is so good,

you drink it and drink it, and then you pour it all over your privates?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not all that into wines.

But my Gordy sure is!

"My Gordy"? Oh, boy.

Who the hell are you?

Oh, you must be Sara.

And you must be banging my husband!

I am truly sorry, Sara.

Mrs. Moore to you, okay?

Look, things happen. You shouldn't blame yourself.

Blame myself? Are you insane? I'm blaming you, you twinkie,

and that asshole of a husband of mine!

So! Come on, you!

Well, you just got a quick glimpse into your future.

When it happens to you, page me.

Adios, twinkie.

Whoa.

Let's take the Jag.

Yeah, let's take the Jag.

I'd give my life for a hot bath.

What?

A hot bath... Are we suddenly deaf?

No. I just like hearing you say "hot bath."

Oh. Well, I'd really like one.

I think I saw a Motel 6 around here somewhere.

Wouldn't you prefer a five-star hotel?

Sara, your breasts are great, but...

Joe?

I don't think they're gonna get us into a five-star hotel.

Do you think cash would?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, hello, marble bathtub! Yes!

Do you mind if I have a $9 bottle of water?

Coming up. Thanks.

So it says here that Gordon's going to sell all his assets to some company, Kobe West?

Yeah, and let's not forget, behind my back.

Music? Yeah.

So, ahem, quick divorce,

then he makes the deal, huh? Nice.

Yeah, I know.

Seems like Gordon cares about the money more than anything.

Unbelievable. Yeah. Unbelievable.

I have something else to show you.

I did a bit more stealing from Gordon.

In fact, I got his passport, so he can't flee the country.

Nice work, 99.

Thank you.

Hey, you know what? He went to St. Bart's twice in the last month.

And, hey, look at this.

Acapulco on the 17th?

That was our wedding anniversary.

I distinctly remember him saying he had to do business in Omaha.

Instead he was, um... Doing Kate in Mexico.

Look, Sara, if Gordon can't tell

how beautiful and sexy and intelligent you are, then he is an idiot.

And now I'm an idiot for saying way too much.

Didn't sound like too much to me.

Am I hearing waves?

Don't you mean fireworks?

No, waves.

Bugger! Oh!

Oh, God!

Ha!

Sorry about that.

No, no, that's...

That's okay.

Well, I think I'll just go ahead and get in the bath.

Great idea. I got some Mr. Bubbles in my bag.

Alone.

You know, I think our priority has to be to find Gordon.

Business first.

Right. Yeah. Business first.

You know, I was just about to say the same thing, so...

Okay. Okay.

Well, I'm gonna go out and get some fresh air.

Alone!

Hi. Hi.

I'm a veterinarian.

A cow just beeped me.

Ohh!

Hey, how's Maria? Very funny.

Can I get you something, honey?

I would really love a Miller longneck.

You got it.

Let's get down to business, shall we?

Okay...

Look, Gordon is a complete jerk.

This much we agree on.

And, believe me, I didn't need his ex-wife to tell me that.

I'm in it for the money.

Really?

Yeah, and I know how this works.

If you serve Gordon first, then he's going to New York,

and Sara gets half of a whole lot of money.

But to serve him, you have to find him.

And you know where he is?

Look, there's no way that Gordon's marrying me

without a pre-nup, so if I want to be a really rich lady,

and I do...

I have got to wait on him hand and foot for the next 20 years.

Thank you!

Thank you.

Or... I can serve him up to you for, let's say, a million dollars?

And I'll never have to see him again.

Everybody wins.

Except for Gordo.

Exactly.

Just one snag, though. None of the money is mine.

I'd have to talk to Sara first.

So talk.

Hey!

Hey. Nice robe. Thank you.

Where'd you get to? You'll see.

Hmm?

What the hell is she doing here?

She paged me.

Why?

Look, before you get all in a tizzy, hear her out, okay?

She's got a great plan.

Look, before we get into all that,

I just wanted to say, Sara, I feel really badly

about stealing your husband.

So badly in fact, that there's a guy I'd like you to meet.

Sara Moore, you are hereby served for divorce

under the laws governing the great state of Texas.

Joe, do something!

Take another one for my buddy Joe here just to bust his balls.

Cheese!

Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you.

Mmm. Classic honey trap.

Oldest trick in the book.

You should read it sometime.

Oh, and I'll see you back in New York

when you come to clean out your desk,

ass-wipe.

Look what I got!

Hmm! Ha!

He is cute.

It's too bad he's just a process server.

Oh...

So, one look at a girl in tight pants and big tits,

and suddenly you're stupid?

It's not the way this was supposed to go down.

How could you blow this?

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Look, Sara, can we just focus on what we have to do now?

Yes, we can. You can focus on getting the hell out of this hotel room.

Go! Get out of here! Leave! Goodbye!

Goodbye?

That's it?

Yeah.

Go on. There's nothing else to say.

You're a genius! You hear me?

A goddamn genius! That's all right!

You know what? There's only been three wop geniuses ever!

Oh, yeah!

Da Vinci, Stallone in the first Rocky, and now you, Tony!

Ha ha! Thank you, Ray!

I swear, I love you for this, boy!

I love you for this. You know what?

I need you to fax me a copy of the papers,

take the originals down to the courthouse,

and get your butt back here.

I'm gonna buy you the biggest steak in Manhattan, you hear me?

On my way. On my way. As fast as I can.

Okay, look here, you know what? It's okay, fly first class.

First class? First class!

All right! Good!

Whoa, wait a minute.

What?

Make that business class. Mmm-hmm. Business.

Ooh, ooh!

You're outta here!

Wore myself out.

Did he? Wait a minute. I need a phone.

I need a phone!

Ray, Joe's on line one.

Hello, loser. Heh.

You little dirty...

You tried to double-cross me, didn't you?

You know what, I got something for you. It's over.

Yeah, I guess you really got me, Ray.

That's right. Who's my bitch, huh?

Who's my bitch?

Yeah. I'm your bitch.

So, uh, did Tony make the plane okay?

You know what? He sure did,

and he's flying first class, too.

Ugh!

See, I was really hoping that he didn't drop the papers off at City Hall.

Well you can hope all you want to, Gladys, 'cause he did. It's over.

Now, you probably have a copy of that file lying around somewhere.

Would you mind telling me what time my career officially ended?

I'd love to know that.

7:04. You hear that?

Remember it, write it down, paint a picture.

I don't care what you do. Seven, zero, and then there's a big four after that!

It's over!

Yeah, that's so funny, you know? Because my watch here says it's 6:15.

Looks like Retardo Montalban

forgot to set his watch back.

With the time difference between here and New York, I can still serve Gordon.

I've still got 49 minutes.

Forty-nine. You know that number.

Your IQ.

Hello? Gordon Moore, Milt. What do you got?

You want to hear what's great?

Your guy's got Lojack.

For a very reasonable $50 surcharge,

I can tell you exactly where he is right now.

Milt, you are a beautiful, beautiful man.

All right. He's at the southwest corner of Lakeville and Beverly.

I looked it up. It's some fancy steakhouse. You got it.

And you just made five grand.

Sure.

But after taxes...

On the screens ahead of you, we will run our safety video...

Sir, please take your seat.

Excuse me, uh, I'm a heart surgeon,

and I got a patient that needs an emergency...

Heart.

What's the matter?

I don't look like a goddamn heart surgeon to you?

Get in. Are you high?

This is better. Look, we don't have time for this.

It's over, you idiot. You've blown it.

We have another hour to get Gordon.

An hour?

Yeah. Uh, Mr. Cebron?

Yeah, good news.

Yeah, we got her.

Uh-huh. Yeah, we did.

Listen...

There is just one tiny little thing.

We didn't "get her" get her, though.

I mean, in a way, we got her,

but not, like, if you get somebody.

You know how you say,

like, if you was playin' hide-and-go-get-it, and you get it,

but you don't really get nothin',

but you get it? That's kind of the way that we got her.

She's got, but not really got,

if you know what I'm saying.

It's kind of an enigma.

Now, to us, beef might be a big deal,

but to a cow, it's just an udder day.

You know what to do. Keep them boys tethered!

Sit. Shh.

Oh, and I got a belly full of steer.

Gordon Moore!

I am hereby here to serve you!

Gordo!

This is Warren. Hey, Warren!

Gordon. Finally. Damn.

Look, Sara's been served, but there's been a problem.

Yeah, you're tellin' me there's a problem!

She and that process server are crawlin' all over my ass right now!

I got you, Gordo!

Damn longhorns.

Uh, Gordon... Ooh! Hang on.

Aww. Gordo!

Okay, go ahead. Yeah! Gordon, this whole thing's a little difficult

to explain right now. They can still serve you, Gordon,

so you can't let them catch you, or you're screwed.

Stay away from them for the next 22 minutes.

That'll be till 7:04. Can you do that, do you think?

Uh... Yeah.

Now I can.

Season ticket-holder.

Yeah.

Look, I just talked to Warren.

Get your ass down to Union Arena.

You gotta keep Joe off Gordon until 7:04.

Got it. Hey, Ray. Yeah.

Where the hell's the Union Arena?

I don't know! You're the one in Texas!

Time for the beasties to battle!

It's been building all afternoon,

and here we have...

I have an idea.

What?

Just come on.

Hey, you can't come in here.

Does this phone work?

What are you doing? Damn it, Cheryl you know as well as I do

in about 30 minutes, 20,000 of those

church-going fans are going to be puking up their vital organs,

and it's not gonna be pretty.

Whoa. Who are you guys?

Center for Disease Control.

You see, this man most recently

was bitten by a monkey at our facility.

My God, I wish there was some way we could warn

these poor, innocent people!

What's your name, son?

Rusty.

Rusty...

Have you ever dreamed of being a hero?

Have you, Rusty?

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your attention please?

Joe?

There is no need for alarm,

but if the individual pictured on the screen above you...

Oh... Mmm. Nice job, Rusty.

...is sitting anywhere near you, please get up

and walk away from him in a calm, orderly fashion.

He may be a carrier of the deadly Ebola virus!

Goddamn you, Joe!

My God! It's the Ebola guy!

Hey, I'm clean!

That's him!

Shoot him!

No, no, wait! Don't shoot him!

Don't shoot him!

I need to serve him! I need to serve him!

Hurry! Somebody shoot him! Hold it!

Oh!

Oh!

I'm gonna get you, Joe!

Oh, boy.

How do you do this?

Oh, this is gonna be ugly.

Whoa!

Oh!

Aah!

Mommy!

Oh!

Get this damn truck off me!

Eat me.

Heh. My dog ain't in that fight.

Whoa. Ding-ding.

Adios, amigos!

Last call, Gordy.

Oof!

Oh! Yes!

Gordon Moore, you are hereby served for divorce,

under the laws governing the state of New York.

Here you go, Hopalong. You know, Cassidy.

Say, "Hef." Hang on.

Ahh!

Yes!

Rock 'n' roll! Let's go, you guys.

He's gonna need to be quarantined for about a year.

Excuse me, sir.

Joe! Hey!

We did it. Yeah, I guess so.

Mmm. Ah.

Business first.

Oh.

You'll get your money. Don't worry.

First you're gonna get this.

Hey. You mother.

Hey, nice driving back there.

You're finished, Joe.

You flipped your mark. You're finished.

Oh, I don't believe you two have met.

Guy who got run over, guy who ran you over.

Ran me over, asshole!

Screw you, cowboy.

Oh!

So... Where were we?

We were just getting down to business.

Oh, right.

So, 14 months and a million dollars later,

I got my vineyard.

Growing grapes isn't easy...

But at least it's got its benefits.

Joe?

I thought I'd serve you for a change.

The first bottle.

Cheers. Good luck.

Better than yesterday.

Yeah. Heh.

Do you want to have sex again? Yeah.