Original subtitles

Sixty-four minus 81.

Twenty-three minus 107.

Minus...

What are you up to, Pop?

I'm up to here in debt.

Lamont, the Sanford and Son empire's

on the brink of a financial ruin.

If we don't do something fast,

we gonna fall right on our assets.

I know, Pop.

We haven't had a customer in over three days, man.

But I don't want you to panic,

because I'm gonna go get some stuff on the truck

that I know will sell. All right?

Now, where was I?

Thirty-six minus...

Minus 23...

How do you do? I'm Timmy, the Sign Man.

My sign.

I'm Freddy, the junk man.

My fist.

Go away!

Okay, but it's gonna cost you money!

Cost me money?

You see, this week, I'm having a sale.

All my signs are inexpensive.

Even if they were free, I couldn't afford one.

Ah, I know. Things are slow all over.

You can say that again.

Don't have to.

Shall I stick it in the ground?

You're close.

Sir, I can see you're a desperate man.

I think I can help you.

How can you help me?

Have you ever heard of the lucky number contest?

You mean, that's where a proprietor,

uh, gives away stuff, free?

That's right.

Those gimmicks never work.

A friend of mine had a gas station.

He used to give away silverware, dishes and glasses.

And?

And he went broke.

That's just it.

He didn't make the gimmick attractive enough.

What do you call attractive?

Let's say $200.

Let's say goodbye.

Wait a minute. You don't understand.

No, you don't understand.

You see, "goodbye" means that someone is leaving the house.

And since this is my house... You understand?

But $200 will draw the customers like flies!

When I want flies, I leave out some sour ham hocks.

But it won't cost you $200.

All it would cost you is a small printing fee.

What?

Listen, sit down. Please.

You see, I make up a sign for you and put your name on it.

In the middle, there's a flap with the lucky number under it.

Then I print up the lucky number tickets for your customers.

With every purchase, you give away a ticket.

Then, in a month, you remove the flap,

and there's the lucky number!

And there's where I kill myself,

because I don't have the money to pay the winner.

But you don't need the money to pay the winner,

because there isn't gonna be a winner.

You mean when I take the flap off and show the lucky number,

nobody's gonna have it?

That's right.

You mean the flap-off is a rip-off?

And the beauty of it is that no one is gonna know.

How do you figure that?

Because no one ever knows who wins these contests.

Everybody checks for their own number.

Who ever bothers to find out who won?

The police.

And if they find out,

they gonna give me a unlucky number

across my chest.

See, what you talking about is illegal.

Maybe theoretically, but not morally.

That's very good.

So, you see, no one is getting cheated.

Meanwhile, you've made them happy.

You've given them something to look forward to,

something to dream about.

You've made hundreds happy.

And only one of them could have won anyway.

You know, you're right. I'd be a good Samaritan.

I'd be doing those poor fools a favor.

Putting a little hope in their lives.

How much is this hope gonna cost me?

I can give you the whole thing for $25

and have it here in the morning.

It's a deal. Good.

Hey, Timmy, look.

Since it's really not going to cost me any money,

let's make the prize $500.

$500?

Yeah, I don't want to think I'm a cheapskate.

You got it.

I'll have it in the morning.

Well?

He bought it. He went for the lucky number con.

Oh, that's great!

Greater than you think.

This joker upped the prize money himself. $500!

Oh, $500, that's fantastic!

Now we wind up with $25 for the printing,

plus the 500 you're gonna win with this...

The winning ticket!

Good morning, Mr. Sanford.

Here's your lucky number sign and your lucky number tickets.

And here's your $25.

Thank you, Mr. Sanford.

Hey, listen.

You know, Timmy, this is a great idea

and I haven't told my son yet,

but I bet he's really gonna be surprised at the results.

I think you'll both be surprised.

Well, I've got a lot to do. I have to be running along. Bye.

Bye.

Hey, son, come here a minute!

What is it, Pop?

I got a surprise here.

Yeah? What's... What's happening?

Here you go. That's what I want to show you.

What's so funny, dummy?

It's just that the... The printer made a mistake.

But don't worry, he can fix it.

Fix what?

Well, see, he left a decimal point out

and instead of saying $5.00, it says $500, you know?

That's what I ordered.

Pop, are you crazy? No.

This idea's gonna put us on easy street.

Is that where the poorhouse is located?

That's your trouble, son.

You think too small and worry too big.

I'm gonna take this outside and see how it looks.

All right.

♪ Easy ♪

Hi, Fred. What's that?

Oh, it's the sign I had made up

announcing my new contest, Bubba.

What kind of contest?

Ah, see, all you have to do

is buy something at the regular price

and I give you a lucky number ticket

and you get a chance at the grand prize.

Well, what's the grand prize?

$500?

That's right, Bubba. You see this flap here?

Yeah.

Well, under that flap is a number.

And when the contest is over, I lift up the flap

and if you've got the number on your ticket,

you are the winner.

Hey Fred, can I buy something now, so I can get my ticket?

Yeah, Bubba. Let's see...

Oh, here's something.

Here's a $2 worth of outstanding sewer pipe.

That's worthless, Fred.

Bubba, this isn't just any kind of sewer pipe,

this is from the sewers of Paris.

You see, the French underground used this in World War II

for an escape route.

Oh, yeah? Let's see.

Hey, them Frenchmen sure were skinny.

I'll take it.

Okay. Here.

Here's your money.

Now, give me my ticket.

Here's your ticket. One to a customer.

Well, how's it going, Pop?

Oh, great, son. I'm making money hand over fist.

And why don't you put a fist over your face?

Why don't you shut up, you old fish-eyed weasel face?

I mean, weasel-eyed fish face.

Look who's talking, Jaws' mother.

Will you guys stop it?

Now, Aunt Esther came over here to look for some junk,

so that she can take a chance

on winning the lucky number contest for the church.

We figured if we win the $500,

we could put on a bicentennial play for the church.

Yeah, and you can be the rear end

of what Paul Revere was riding.

Aunt Esther, why don't you look around the yard

and see if the church could use any of this stuff. Okay?

All right, Lamont.

I'm gonna go inside

and get myself something cold to drink, Pop.

Go ahead. Take your time, son. I can handle it.

Pardon me, may I help you?

Yes, as a matter of fact, you can.

I'd like to buy this table.

Uh, fine. Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Uh, no. What... What... What is it?

Well, I'm taking kind of a survey.

And I'd like to know,

did you come because of our lucky number contest?

Uh, yeah. As a matter of fact,

a friend of mine told me about it.

But I tell you, this table,

I have been searching high and low

for exactly such a table.

Uh, how high?

Well, 11.18, right?

You didn't look high enough.

81.11.

And $2 for exercise tax.

Exercise tax? Don't you mean excise tax?

No, exercise.

The exercise I'm gonna get

helping you put this in your car.

Okay, I'll take it.

And here's your money, sir.

And 11 cents.

There you go.

Your lucky number ticket.

It sure is.

You're not even the least bit concerned, are you?

About what?

When was the last time you gave up $500

without getting something in return?

Last April, when I paid my income tax.

Here.

What's this?

That's your half of the profits we made in the past three weeks.

There's $175 here, Pop.

You mean to tell me we've only made $350

since this contest started?

That's right.

That's just great, Pop.

We hold a lucky number contest to make money,

and it ends up costing us.

Not true. It's not gonna cost us a penny.

And how do you figure that?

Well, I didn't want to tell you this before,

but I made a deal with the printer,

and there isn't any lucky number.

The only numbers you have to worry about

is the numbers on them green ones.

The number under the flap

doesn't match any of the tickets.

Pop, are you kidding? That's against the law.

Only theoretically...

but not morally.

Well, I can see that somebody put those words into your mouth.

What are you gonna tell Bubba, Pop?

The man's got his heart set on winning this contest.

Bubba knows that all of his life

the odds have been against him.

Pop, if this thing were legitimate,

he would at least stand a chance.

I don't know how to tell you this, Pop.

What?

I'm ashamed of you.

That's how to say it.

Come on out, Fred Sanford!

Show us your flap!

Yeah, Fred! Today's the day!

All right, all right, all right.

Here it is.

Let's get ready for the lucky number drawing.

We've been ready, fool. Just show us the numbers.

All right, all right.

But first, if anybody wants to change his mind,

just return your purchase with your ticket

and I'll refund your money, of course.

Of course, you'll blow your chance of winning the $500.

Come on. Pull the flap, Fred!

Yeah, let's get on with it! All right.

Good luck, everybody.

Of course, everybody can't have good luck,

but what I really wanna...

Why don't you just shut your trap and open your flap?

You ready?

The lucky number is:

76987.

If you got it... Anybody got it?

Bring it right up. Claim your money.

Aw, nuts.

Come on, let's go, Esther.

Oh, cheer up, Bubba. There's always bingo.

Aw, bingo.

76987 going once...

Well, I guess the winner isn't here.

Excuse me, Mr. Sanford? Sorry that none of my...

Excuse me, Mr. Sanford?

I got it. I won. There it is.

Oh, I don't need that.

You can take the losing ticket and tear it up.

No, no. No, hold on. Hold on, Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, hold it.

This is not the losing one. This is the winning one.

It's the what?

The winning one.

What are you talking about?

The winning number: 76987.

That's not the winning number.

The winning number is 76987...

That's what I got!

The winning one!

And guess what I got!

The big one!

Look, Mr. LaDuke, there must be some mistake.

Look, there's no mistake.

I mean, I got the winning ticket, and I want my money.

Don't worry, you're gonna get your money.

It's just that we don't keep that much cash around the house.

Well, look, I understand.

I just wanna know, when am I gonna get it?

Let's give it to him now, son.

I tell you what, you come back later,

and I promise you you'll get your money.

Yeah. Oh, I know I will.

Because if not, I'll just have a little talk with the police.

Now what are we gonna do, Pop?

We don't have that kind of money.

Let's start speaking Portuguese.

Then what?

Then we apply for foreign aid.

There's something fishy around here, Pop.

First you make a deal with this guy

for this lucky number contest,

then this joker shows up with the winning number.

I think we've been had, Pop. Those guys are working together.

Well, I'm sorry, son. Business was bad...

Let me look at these tickets.

Now, these are just ordinary tickets

that you could have made up at any stationery store, Pop.

Those guys are working together and we've been had,

and we can't even go to the police

because you were a party to the fraud in the first place.

Hold it. Hold it right there.

Listen to this.

"In case of a tie, the awarding of the prize

is left to the discriminating judge."

That's "discreetion" of the judge.

So we haven't anything to worry about.

How do you figure that?

I'll tell you when I get back from shopping.

Shopping? What are you gonna buy?

A judge.

Pop, are you sure this is gonna work?

Don't worry, son. Everything's gonna be all right.

Here he comes now.

You answer the door and look happy.

All right.

Come in, Mr. LaDuke.

You got my money?

Yeah, just, uh, right over here.

I'll get it, son. I wonder who that could be.

Nobody's supposed to come here.

Well, hello, stranger.

Praise the Lord! Today is my lucky day!

Why? Because you looked in the mirror, and it didn't break?

What do you want?

I'm the winner of your lucky number contest

and I want my money.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the money

I've got coming on this ticket, turkey!

Call me a turkey again

and I'll baste you with a couple of these.

Son, there seem to be a little confusion here.

What's the matter, Pop?

Well, this lady says she's got the winning ticket too.

Wait a minute. That's impossible.

Well, you must be reading that wrong.

Let me have a look at that.

76987.

This is really strange.

There are two tickets with the same winning number.

Yeah, and I get the feeling

somebody's trying to pull something around here,

and I don't understand it.

I don't understand either,

but it looks like this lady has a legitimate ticket,

and you got a legitimate ticket too.

Uh, your ticket is legitimate, isn't it?

Well, of course it is.

You gave it to me yourself when you sold me that table.

Oh, that's right. I remember.

And you gave me mine too, bingo brain.

Well, there's only one way to settle this.

We're gonna have to go by the rules.

Rules? What rules?

The rules on the back of the ticket.

"In case of a tie, the awarding of the prize

is left to the 'discreetio " of the judge."

Well, there's no judge here.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, judge? BUBBA: Yeah?

You're on!

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!

Come to order!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute!

I mean, what's going on here?

And who's this supposed to be?

Well, like it said on the ticket,

in case of a tie, you've got to have a judge.

Mr. LaDuke, this is Judge Bexley.

Just call me "Your Bubbaship."

Well, Your Honor,

I get the feeling somebody's trying to cheat me.

Is this man calling me a crook?

Well, hold it, Aunt Esther. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Now, everybody, just cool it, okay?

Now there appears to be two tickets

with the same number.

What do you... What do you say, judge?

Well, seeing that the printer who printed those tickets

is probably the cause of this whole mess,

we'll all adjourn to his place of business

and have a talk with him.

And we'll pick up a policeman along the way.

A policeman? Wait a minute.

Mr. Sanford, we don't need a policeman, do we?

Sure we do.

And an ambulance.

With my heart condition,

I could have the big one any minute.

It would be the printer's fault too,

and that's murder in the second degree.

Uh, m-murder? Hold it.

Look, Your Honor, there's gotta be something else we...

We can work out.

Alright, lady, how about if we just split the money?

So be it.

$250 to Mr. LaDuke and $250 to Mrs. Stranger.

Mr. Sanford, you'll pay Mrs. Stranger

and Mr. LaDuke, you'll get your half from the printer.

The printer?

Case closed!

Now, wait a minute, Mr. Sanford.

You can't allow this to happen.

Oh, I feel the big one coming on.

All this aggravation is killing me.

Killing?

I'll call the police!

Hold it. Hold it, Your Honor.

Okay, fair is fair.

I mean, when you're right, you're right.

And the lady has got the $250 and...

Anybody wanna buy a table?

I didn't think so.

Yeah, y-yeah, yeah.

OK, Esther. Now give me my money back.

I ain't giving you nothing, you old heathen crook!

I'm trying to win something here for the church,

and you're here running a crooked game.

This money's already been earmarked

to do the work of the Lord.

Oh, glory!

If you don't give me my money,

you're gonna be earmarked for some intensive care.

What about me, Esther? I helped too.

That's right. Here's $50 for you.

And the rest is for my church.

Praise the Lord.

Thank you, Esther.

Hey, Fred, when's your next contest?

Right now.

How would you like to take a chance

on getting out of here with my money?

Pop, just hold it, Pop.

Now, let Bubba keep the money, because you were wrong.

At least this way, you're halfway honest.

And besides, we got a pretty nice profit to show for it, Pop.

You're right, son.

That's right. You a fine young man, Lamont.

Fred Sanford, you ought to thank the Lord

for sending you such a wise son

and two wonderful friends like Bubba and me.

She's right, Pop. She's right.

Yeah.

Thanks for sending me such a wise son

and for sending me two wonderful friends

like Bubba and Esther.

That's wonderful, Fred!

But since I only need one wonderful friend...

please, Lord,

pick up the tall, ugly one at your convenience.

It's the "Guess how many jellybeans in the jar" contest.

Well, how many beans are in there?

How should I know?

The winner of the contest will tell us.

You know what?

There's only one way to tell how many beans are in that jar.

Start counting.

One, two, three... Hi, Fred. Hi, Lamont.

Oh, hi, Bubba. What you so happy about?

I just bowled my highest game: 185!

186, 187, 188...

Bubba, why don't you stick a 7-pin in your right ear,

and put a... Stick a 10-pin in your left ear and split?

What are you so mad about, Fred?

Because I'm counting these...

These beans here for a new contest

and you keep throwing me off.

Oh, I'm sorry. What does the winner get?

The bowl and the jellybeans that are left.

One, two...

Hey, Lamont, did you see the football game last night?

No, I went out last night, Bubba. Who won?

The Rams pulled it out in the last quarter, 31 to 27.

28, 29... Only 45 seconds left to play.

46, 47... Over 70,000 fans!

70,001, 70,002...

Bubba.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fred.

That's okay, Bubba.

Hey, you're losing weight, aren't you?

See!

Hold it right there, Bubba.

That gives me an idea for a new contest.

What? Guess how much weight I've lost?

No, guess how many beans in Bubba's pants.