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1
00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:11,881
Hey, listen.
2
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,950
Listen, Roger, didn't I
tell you to cut that out?
3
00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:15,552
How you expect
me to get any rest
4
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:16,753
if you're making all that noise?
5
00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:18,155
But, Grandpa Fred,
6
00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:19,756
I'm gonna be just
like Walt Frazier,
7
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,291
the star of the Knicks.
8
00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:22,959
Good. Well, go
practice in New York.
9
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,528
Give me that ball.
10
00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:28,065
How am I gonna learn to
dribble without a basketball?
11
00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:29,466
You don't need one.
12
00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:31,268
Haven't you ever heard
of shadow dribbling?
13
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:32,335
Shadow dribbling?
14
00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:34,137
Yeah, we used
to do it all the time
15
00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:36,081
when I was with
the Globetrotters.
16
00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:39,076
You were in the
Harlem Globetrotters?
17
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,811
Wow! Can you teach me
how to shadow dribble?
18
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:44,981
Sure. See, it's like
shadow boxing...
19
00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,749
only you shadow dribble.
20
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,252
Get it? Yeah, just
pretend you're dribbling.
21
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,753
That's it. Now back up.
22
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,522
Take a back step. That's it.
23
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:53,957
Now to the right.
24
00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:55,559
To the left. Dribble back.
25
00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:57,194
Higher, higher!
26
00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:58,962
Higher! Higher!
27
00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:00,130
Back step!
28
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:02,988
Higher! Bye-er.
29
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:15,678
Hiya.
30
00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:17,247
What are you doing?
31
00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:19,682
Grandpa Fred was just teaching
me how to shadow dribble.
32
00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:21,218
Shadow dribble? Yeah.
33
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:23,520
Like when he was in
the Harlem Globetrotters.
34
00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:26,256
Pop, you were never in
the Harlem Globetrotters.
35
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,958
Yes, I was. You
just don't remember.
36
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,994
Because when I was
dribbling with the Globetrotters,
37
00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:34,052
you was slam-dunking
in your diapers.
38
00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:38,101
Listen, Pop, I got
some good news for you.
39
00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:39,769
Don't tell me, I know.
40
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:43,928
Esther had her face
lifted by a two-ton crane.
41
00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:46,743
Well, you remember I told you
42
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,845
that Janet's mother was a
schoolteacher up in Oakland?
43
00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,313
Mmm. Well, see,
she wrote this paper
44
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,048
on how to discipline
problem children,
45
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,517
and the paper was so good, Pop,
46
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:56,853
that she was named Teacher of
the Month by Education Magazine.
47
00:02:56,877 --> 00:03:00,857
I'm sure she'll make
a lovely centerfold.
48
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:03,493
That's my grandma.
She's the greatest.
49
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,695
Hey, Roger, will you excuse
me and Pop for a minute?
50
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,829
Yeah, Roger, look here.
51
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,798
If you wanna be
great and full of spunk,
52
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:11,723
go out in the yard
and dribble in the junk.
53
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,371
Well, for your information, Pop.
54
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,606
Education Magazine
is very big, man.
55
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,808
Now, this is a big
honor for Mrs. Gordon.
56
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:21,878
I understand. I was
once in Dump Daily.
57
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:24,648
I was Junkmate of the Month.
58
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,849
I give up. It's impossible
to try to talk to you.
59
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,851
I'm sorry, son. I know
it's a great honor.
60
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:32,021
Next time you're in Oakland,
congratulate her from me.
61
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,223
Why don't you do it yourself?
62
00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:34,658
Because I'm not
going to Oakland.
63
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:37,561
Pop, that's what I've
been trying to tell you.
64
00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:38,961
You don't have to tell me,
65
00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:42,031
I know I'm not going to Oakland.
66
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,733
Look, every year, there's
this big teachers' conference
67
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,202
here in L.A.,
68
00:03:45,226 --> 00:03:47,437
and Mrs. Gordon was
picked to read her paper here.
69
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,372
Now, she's coming here
next week, man, you know.
70
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,873
And she's dying to meet you.
71
00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,342
Well, I'm not dying to meet her.
72
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:55,579
What do I have in common with
some old stuffy schoolteacher?
73
00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:58,014
Well, to start with,
me and Janet.
74
00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:00,083
Don't worry about it, Pop.
75
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:01,884
She's a wonderful
woman, and the two of you
76
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,453
are gonna get along just fine.
77
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:05,788
Oh, I always get along
swell with schoolteachers.
78
00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:09,748
I can't wait to meet her
so I can clap her erasers.
79
00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:20,203
Fred, could you stand still?
80
00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:21,605
I can't see the movie.
81
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,306
And it's my very
favorite one too:
82
00:04:23,330 --> 00:04:26,643
The Giant Baboon
Who Ate Rangoon...
83
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:33,082
at Noon... in
June... with a Spoon.
84
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:36,141
And will you shut up soon?
85
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:39,689
What's eating you,
Fred? I don't know, Bubba.
86
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,190
I just haven't...
I'm just nervous.
87
00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:43,226
I haven't even slept
since I heard the news.
88
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:44,628
What news?
89
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:45,862
You know, Janet's mother,
90
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,997
the big-shot schoolteacher
up there in Oakland,
91
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,066
and she's coming
all the way down here
92
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:51,635
just to read a paper.
93
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:54,837
Don't they have no
papers up in Oakland?
94
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:57,274
Bubba, it's a paper
that she wrote.
95
00:04:57,298 --> 00:04:58,541
You see, she's reading it
96
00:04:58,565 --> 00:05:00,810
at a big teachers'
convention here in town,
97
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,479
out loud, in front of everybody.
98
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,547
Fred, you must feel very dumb.
99
00:05:04,571 --> 00:05:07,284
What are your
grandchildren gonna think?
100
00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:09,152
They got a grandmother
who writes papers
101
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:11,588
and a grandfather
who collects them.
102
00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:14,957
Before I talked to
you, Bubba, I felt awful.
103
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:18,695
Now I feel terrible.
How'd you like to feel this?
104
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,430
Well, I'm sorry.
105
00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:22,732
You're right, Bubba.
106
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:26,603
What she gonna think of me?
I ain't nothing but a junkman.
107
00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:29,038
Fred, you remind me of
the immortal Phil Greene.
108
00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:31,775
Who's he? He used
to be just like you.
109
00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:34,243
A nothing, a nobody,
110
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,112
a useless empty shell of a man,
111
00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:37,914
until he became world-famous
112
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:41,284
by pushing a water barrel
from Los Angeles to Detroit,
113
00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:43,820
a feat that got him a place
114
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,222
on the Official Book
of World Records.
115
00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:48,491
What's that got to do with
me? Don't you see, Fred?
116
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:49,726
If you could get your name
117
00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:51,127
in the Official Book
of World Records,
118
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:52,696
it would be just as important
119
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:56,098
as reading a paper at
some teachers' conference.
120
00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:58,000
You think so? Sure.
121
00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,637
Maybe Janet's mother might
even write a paper about you, Fred.
122
00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:02,972
I think you got something there.
123
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:05,230
Yeah... No...
124
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,367
There.
125
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,414
How's that feel, Fred?
126
00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:13,249
Oh, fine, Bubba,
it's easy. Good.
127
00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:15,017
Just stay that
way until Thursday,
128
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,319
and you'll be immortal.
129
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,688
If I stay this
way till Thursday,
130
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,957
I'll be a stork.
131
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:24,427
So, so far, every record you've
come up with is impossible.
132
00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:25,995
Try harder, look in there.
133
00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:28,931
We haven't even
scratched the surface, Fred.
134
00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:30,333
Here's a good one, Fred.
135
00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:32,268
Make two fists.
136
00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:35,672
Now stick 'em in your armpits.
137
00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,306
That's it.
138
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,898
Now flap your arms and squat.
139
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,101
Yeah.
140
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,418
Uh, now, how long
do I have to do this?
141
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,152
Just till the eggs are hatched.
142
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:56,092
No man has ever
done that before!
143
00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,763
How would you like
to hold the record
144
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:01,698
for the world's fattest lip?
145
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,099
Hold it, Fred.
146
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:04,634
I think I got it.
147
00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,569
You like apple pie, don't ya?
148
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:08,971
Sure, all Americans
love apple pie.
149
00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:11,374
Your problem's solved. It is?
150
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:12,942
Yeah.
151
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:15,244
Now, who told you you
could use my phone?
152
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,880
I'm sorry. Can I use
your phone, Fred?
153
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:19,649
Sure, you don't have to ask.
154
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,351
Hello, is this
Paul's Pie Palace?
155
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:25,221
I'd like to order
243 apple pies.
156
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:28,491
Put that phone down! I
can't eat no 243 apple pies.
157
00:07:28,515 --> 00:07:30,493
You only have to eat 240.
158
00:07:30,517 --> 00:07:32,995
Three of 'em are for me.
159
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:34,764
Oh, Bubba, we can
do better than this.
160
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:35,998
I'm a nervous wreck.
161
00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:37,634
I haven't slept a wink,
162
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,168
and I probably
won't sleep a wink
163
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,604
until after Janet's
mother leaves here.
164
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:44,273
Oh... Wait a minute.
165
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,175
That's it.
166
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:49,045
Awake... awake... awake.
167
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:50,947
Yeah, here it is.
168
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,015
You know, if you stay
awake until she leaves,
169
00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:54,551
you'll break the world record
170
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:57,053
currently held by
Choo Choo Rabinowitz.
171
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,855
How much longer
do I have to stay up?
172
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:02,124
Oh, about 7 days, 14
hours and 20 minutes.
173
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,126
I don't think I can
make it, Bubba.
174
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,162
How am I going to
stay up that long?
175
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,597
It'll be easy, Fred.
176
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:09,699
I'll supervise the
whole operation.
177
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:11,100
You will?
178
00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:13,837
I can see it now. I'm
gonna be immortal!
179
00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:18,942
Look out, Choo Choo Rabinowitz,
I'm gonna break that record.
180
00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:21,143
What is all this
talk about a record?
181
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,446
Oh, son, you see, I'm
gonna break the record,
182
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:25,548
the world's record for staying
up longer than anybody else.
183
00:08:25,572 --> 00:08:26,749
Sure you are.
184
00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:27,851
You just don't believe me
185
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:28,852
because you don't think
186
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,252
I can be nothing but a junkman.
187
00:08:30,276 --> 00:08:32,088
Pop, you don't have
to prove anything to me.
188
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,290
Think of how proud
you're gonna be of me, son,
189
00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:36,793
with my name right
next to Hank Aaron,
190
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:39,796
Jesse Owens and Melvin Watson.
191
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,163
Who's Melvin Watson?
192
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,166
Oh, he went to
Guido's Italian Grotto
193
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:48,371
and ate continuously
for 314 hours.
194
00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:50,595
May he rest in pizza.
195
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:54,777
Go ahead, Pop. Make a fool
out of yourself. I don't care.
196
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:56,579
I'm not gonna make
a fool of myself.
197
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:58,080
I'm just gonna show you
198
00:08:58,104 --> 00:09:01,083
that I'm just as important
as your future mother-in-law.
199
00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:03,553
Would you do me a favor?
200
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:04,954
Please don't mess up
201
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:08,157
Mrs. Gordon's visit here
to Los Angeles, okay?
202
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,727
Mrs. Gordon, indeed.
203
00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:13,396
You know, maybe it's not
such a great idea, Fred.
204
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:14,998
Listen, don't worry about
him. He's just jealous.
205
00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:16,032
Now, what do we do?
206
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,233
Well, first, I'll have to call
207
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:18,401
the Official Book of Records
208
00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:20,336
and tell them to get
their erasers ready.
209
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,038
Okay, well, I'll just
make myself comfortable.
210
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,741
I mean, after I get
comfortable, I don't need...
211
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,876
What are you doing, Bubba?
212
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,878
I'm not gonna let you relax.
213
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,080
That's the worst thing you
can do is to get comfortable.
214
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:32,314
What you need to do
215
00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:34,817
is to be around things
that make you jumpy,
216
00:09:34,841 --> 00:09:36,452
things that annoy you,
217
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:38,320
things that make
your skin crawl.
218
00:09:38,344 --> 00:09:40,812
Well, what are you
waiting for? Call Esther.
219
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,461
Lamont, relax.
220
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:47,630
I can't, baby. I'm too nervous.
221
00:09:47,654 --> 00:09:49,632
You've met my mother before.
222
00:09:49,656 --> 00:09:51,167
I know. That's not the problem.
223
00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:53,135
Your mother's never
met Pop before.
224
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:55,104
I can't believe he's actually
going through with this.
225
00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:56,906
I mean, he's been up
for four straight days.
226
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,908
I hope he's not under
any kind of a strain.
227
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,342
No, well, I made sure.
228
00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:03,145
I called up the doctor and had
him come over and check Pop out.
229
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:04,480
What'd the doctor say?
230
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:05,882
Well, he said Pop's
in good shape,
231
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:07,684
but he's in no condition
to meet your mom.
232
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:09,719
I mean, he's irritable
and cranky and grouchy.
233
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,854
This morning, he bit
one of the neighbors.
234
00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:15,124
I think you're exaggerating.
235
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:19,195
I also feel that everything
is gonna be just fine.
236
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:20,597
Maybe you're right.
237
00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,665
Pop is notorious for not
finishing what he starts.
238
00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:26,202
Oh, I know something
that he finished,
239
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,004
and am I delighted.
240
00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:29,639
Don't you start now, your
mother's coming here.
241
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:31,173
Mm-hmmm.
242
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:33,431
There she is. Oh, there she is.
243
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:36,813
Hi, Mom. Hello, sweetheart.
244
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,214
How are you? Fine.
245
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:40,216
Hello, Lamont.
Hello, Mrs. Gordon.
246
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,384
I'm so excited about this visit.
247
00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:43,753
Oh, so are we.
248
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,755
You must really be looking
forward to the conference, huh?
249
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:48,057
Oh, I am. It's quite a thrill.
250
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:51,094
And I'm also looking
forward to meeting your father.
251
00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:53,195
Uh, I just remembered: Pop
can't meet anybody this week.
252
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:55,131
See, it's the height
of the junk season.
253
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,333
And right now,
rust is at a premium.
254
00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:58,601
Lamont!
255
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,003
It's all right, dear.
256
00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:02,138
I know how Lamont feels.
257
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,940
It's always hardest on the kids
258
00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:07,376
when the future in-laws
meet for the first time.
259
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:12,148
And I'm sure your father
is as up for it as I am.
260
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,706
Oh, he's up for it, all right.
261
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,554
♪ Come on and hear
Come on and hear ♪
262
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:20,957
♪ Alexander's Ragtime Band... ♪♪
Please, Bubba.
263
00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:23,492
Shut up, shut up.
You're driving me crazy.
264
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,495
Oh, come on, Fred, you know
my singing keeps you awake.
265
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,898
Yeah, but you keep singing
the same old tune over and over.
266
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,366
Sing something else, will you?
267
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:33,002
I only know one other tune,
and I don't think you like that.
268
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,871
I don't care what it is, Bubba.
269
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,906
Just start
singing it. All right.
270
00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:39,542
♪ Rock-a-bye, baby ♪
271
00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:41,177
♪ In the treetop ♪
272
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,311
♪ When the wind... ♪♪
273
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,814
Wake up, Fred!
Oh, Bubba, please.
274
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:46,983
It felt so good.
Let me try it again.
275
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:48,985
♪ Come on and hear,
Come on and hear... ♪♪
276
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:50,720
No, not that one, Bubba, please.
277
00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:53,589
Just let me take a little
nap. Nobody will know.
278
00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:56,125
It'll just be between
me and my pillow.
279
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:57,694
You can't do that, Fred.
280
00:11:57,718 --> 00:12:00,429
You have to break the
record fair and square.
281
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:03,232
And besides, the man from
the Official Book of Records
282
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:05,101
said he might
drop by at any time.
283
00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:06,903
You know, they
check on you that way.
284
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,304
Here, I'll get you
some more coffee.
285
00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:10,006
Wait a minute,
Bubba, no more coffee.
286
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,473
I've had so much coffee
287
00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:14,432
you're beginning to
look like Mrs. Olson.
288
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:22,284
All right, then it's time to
bring in the second team.
289
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,487
Hi, Grandpa Fred.
290
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:26,889
Keep it up, Roger.
291
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,057
How's that, Fred?
292
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,491
Oh, it's no good, Bubba.
293
00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:30,827
I'm fading fast.
294
00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:33,562
Fear not, Fred. We still
have our ace in the hole.
295
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,198
Esther's on her way.
296
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,367
There's our ace in the hole
297
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:41,270
who should have
her face in a hole.
298
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:45,374
I was wondering what took
the old groundhog so long.
299
00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:49,200
Welcome to my
castle, your ugliness.
300
00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:02,925
Well, now you've met Pop.
301
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:04,627
How do you do?
302
00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:05,694
Well, I must say
303
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:08,564
you have a unique way
of answering the door.
304
00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:09,732
He's not always like that.
305
00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:12,101
No, you see, Pop
hasn't slept in four days.
306
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,469
Oh, you poor man.
307
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,271
Do you suffer from insomnia?
308
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,173
Oh, no, let me explain. See...
309
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:18,374
Don't explain that
now. Just hush.
310
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:19,876
You don't have to explain that.
311
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,644
Well, your father's
right, Lamont.
312
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:24,046
No one needs to give
me an explanation.
313
00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:27,150
Now, that's what I like:
a woman with class.
314
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:29,752
If no one's going
to tell her, I will.
315
00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:33,756
The reason why Mr. Sanford
hasn't slept in four days
316
00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:37,860
is because he's trying to
break the official world record
317
00:13:37,884 --> 00:13:40,029
for staying awake.
318
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:42,231
Why, that's wonderful!
319
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:43,721
It is, isn't it?
320
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:46,903
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to call...
321
00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:48,604
I didn't mean to call
you "your ugliness."
322
00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:50,273
I mean, I thought you
was my sister-in-law.
323
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:52,474
Oh, that's all right.
324
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:56,767
You know, I am impressed.
325
00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:02,919
Well, it's quite an undertaking.
326
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,054
Yes, I'm doing it for
my grandchildren.
327
00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:10,014
See, I want them to remember
me for something other than Lamont.
328
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,562
Well, I understand
what you're trying to say,
329
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:15,798
and I think it's just beautiful.
330
00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:18,968
Mr. Sanford, you're
so thoughtful, Mmm.
331
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:23,706
So kind, so warm, so loving...
332
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:25,507
So off your duff!
333
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:27,776
I didn't write a paper
on discipline for nothing,
334
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,178
so keep moving!
335
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,013
Left, right, left, right!
336
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,338
Left, right, left, right!
337
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:37,186
You can't put that five on top.
338
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:40,056
How would you like me to
put this five on your bottom?
339
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,858
I was only trying to help.
340
00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:43,659
Well, look, Roger, why
don't you dribble that ball
341
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,928
on into the kitchen and
get yourself some breakfast?
342
00:14:45,952 --> 00:14:48,186
All right.
343
00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:12,310
Aah!
344
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:19,095
I just came over to
help you stay awake,
345
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:22,053
you old fish-eyed fool.
346
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:26,102
Well, that certainly was
sweet of you, Esther,
347
00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:28,504
just to deliver such
a lovely message.
348
00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:29,939
Oh, really? Yeah.
349
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:32,041
Reminded me of something
from Western Union:
350
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,365
an ugly-gram.
351
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:40,049
Step back, please,
I got company.
352
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,953
I'm coming. What do you
expect? I've decided to run off?
353
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,421
How do you do?
354
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,456
I'm Walter Grayson from the
Official Book of World Records.
355
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,991
Is this the Sanford residence?
356
00:15:49,015 --> 00:15:51,527
Yes, it is. I'm Fred G. Sanford.
357
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:55,331
And the G is for
"Grab yourself a seat."
358
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,566
Thank you, but I have a
terribly pressing schedule.
359
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,068
You mean "skedule"?
360
00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:01,137
We say "shedule."
361
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:02,538
Now, I've been informed
362
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:05,374
that you're attempting to
break one of our records.
363
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:06,875
That is correct.
364
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:11,480
Which one are you after?
Most debris in one room?
365
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:13,482
Well, how about that, Esther?
366
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:14,939
You in the book already.
367
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:24,427
Why don't you try
for the lollipop record?
368
00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:27,185
All-day sucker.
369
00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:34,803
Listen, I'll soon... I'll
soon be in your book
370
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,605
for staying up longer
than anybody else.
371
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:37,806
Well, we'll see.
372
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,976
Forty-eight more
hours is a long time
373
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,844
when you haven't
slept for a week.
374
00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:45,548
I'll wager your eyelids
are feeling very heavy.
375
00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:47,149
Oh, Lord have mercy!
Fred, you all right?
376
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:48,284
Esther, yeah, I'm all right.
377
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,352
Take your hands off me!
378
00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:52,176
I ain't had my tetanus shot yet.
379
00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:56,625
I suppose you're
one of the witnesses.
380
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:59,028
Yes, I'm Miss Esther Anderson.
381
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:02,631
Better known as
"Dog Face Afternoon."
382
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:05,368
Look, never mind her.
383
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:07,103
You got your pencil warmed up?
384
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:08,337
Come on over here
385
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,439
and let me tell you a
little bit about myself.
386
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,242
You may not believe it,
but, like most celebrities,
387
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:16,479
I came from an humble beginning.
388
00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:20,638
My family had the only
log cabin in St. Louis.
389
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,986
And I suppose your schedule
390
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:27,890
called for you to walk five
miles to school every day.
391
00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:30,381
You mean "shool", don't you?
392
00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:36,332
Mr. Sanford...
393
00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:39,601
Listen, I walked
five miles to "shool"
394
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:42,338
and then swam five miles.
395
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:43,772
Really, Mr. Sanford?
396
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:46,275
I remember it so well.
397
00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:47,876
At the time, I was sharing a bed
398
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,912
with my youngest
brother, Jerome.
399
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:53,149
Then I realized I could
stay up night and day.
400
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:55,484
You mean even as a child
you were an insomniac?
401
00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:58,242
No, Jerome was a bed-wetter.
402
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:03,092
Well, I'll get all this down
when and if it counts.
403
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:05,661
I just stopped by to make
certain everything was in order.
404
00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:09,398
Let me remind you that I
could stop by again at any time.
405
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,500
Oh, I can assure you, sir,
406
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:14,103
that Mr. Bexley
and I will see to it
407
00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:15,804
that Mr. Sanford
keeps the rules.
408
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,373
Mr. Bexley?
409
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:20,209
Oh, I almost forgot to
introduce you to my friend here,
410
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:22,945
the genius that masterminded
my climb to the top.
411
00:18:22,969 --> 00:18:24,680
Eh, Bubba, wake up.
412
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,848
♪ Come on and hear
Come on and hear ♪
413
00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:28,484
♪ Alexander's Ragtime Band ♪
414
00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:30,553
♪ Come on and hear
Come on and hear ♪
415
00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,354
♪ Alexander's Ragtime Band... ♪♪
416
00:18:32,378 --> 00:18:34,523
I can't go through it,
Bubba. I can't make it.
417
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:36,192
You can't quit now, Fred.
418
00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:38,060
You only got one more day.
419
00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:40,929
The Official Book of Records
doesn't care for second place.
420
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,332
Now, suck in that gut,
straighten that back,
421
00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:45,667
and go out there and
get this one for the Gipper.
422
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:46,835
You're right, coach.
423
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:48,270
I don't know what got into me.
424
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:49,838
Give me some
coffee, Bubba. Okay.
425
00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:52,208
Roger, go upstairs
and get my radio.
426
00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:54,276
Yeah, now you're working.
427
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:57,067
Way to go, Grandpa Fred.
428
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:07,956
Argh!
429
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:09,325
What are you doing
sneaking around,
430
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:10,459
scaring people like that?
431
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:13,496
I was just coming over
to help you stay awake!
432
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:14,930
And I'm glad I did.
433
00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:16,532
Oh, I don't know what to do.
434
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:18,200
I just can't keep my eyes open.
435
00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:20,068
Well, I'm going to
have to do for you
436
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:21,604
like I do for my students.
437
00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:23,305
What's that?
438
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,407
Start running in place!
439
00:19:25,431 --> 00:19:27,643
And repeat after me... Huh?
440
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:31,113
I... I... will...
will... not... not...
441
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:33,249
fall... fall... asleep! Asleep!
442
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:34,583
Again! Again!
443
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:36,818
Well, you only got
six more minutes, Pop,
444
00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,320
to break the record.
445
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:41,690
Oh, son, I... I can't
make it. I know I can't.
446
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,360
♪ Come on and hear
Come on and hear ♪
447
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:46,195
♪ Alexander's Ragtime Band ♪
448
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,430
♪ Come on and hear
Come on and hear ♪
449
00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:51,200
♪ It's the best
band In the land ♪♪
450
00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:52,834
And when I get back to Oakland,
451
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:55,037
all my friends are going
to ask me about my visit,
452
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:56,438
and I'm gonna tell them
453
00:19:56,462 --> 00:19:59,241
the highlight wasn't the
teachers' conference,
454
00:19:59,265 --> 00:20:01,477
it was meeting Fred Sanford!
455
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:02,878
And now the man of the hour,
456
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:04,680
I should say the
man of the final hour,
457
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,549
well, really, the man
of the last five minutes,
458
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,350
my pop, Fred Sanford.
459
00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:10,219
Thank you, son.
460
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:13,088
And now that I have the
record almost wrapped up,
461
00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:16,492
I'd like to propose a toast.
462
00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:18,227
Down the hatch, bottoms up,
463
00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:22,731
l'chaim, good health
and good night.
464
00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:25,301
Speech, speech, speech, speech!
465
00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:27,636
Where was I?
466
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:30,606
Oh, uh, I want to
thank everyone here
467
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:32,341
that made this possible for me,
468
00:20:32,365 --> 00:20:34,009
especially you, Bubba,
469
00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:35,678
with your terrible singing,
470
00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:36,812
and for you, Roger,
471
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,347
for dribbling that
ball all the time,
472
00:20:38,371 --> 00:20:40,416
and Choo Choo
Rabinowitz for not staying up
473
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:41,817
any longer than she did.
474
00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:44,820
There's the door. That
must be Mr. Grayson.
475
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:47,956
Oh...
476
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:49,191
I'm coming.
477
00:20:49,215 --> 00:20:51,827
Well, Mr. Sanford, I
see you're still awake.
478
00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:54,830
I was certain it was
way past your bedtime.
479
00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:55,931
Sorry to disappoint you,
480
00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:57,766
but what you see is
history in the making.
481
00:20:57,790 --> 00:20:59,868
Oh, good. Uh, come
in, Mr. Grayson.
482
00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:01,203
Make yourself comfortable.
483
00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:03,138
Uh, you know Bubba
and my son Lamont.
484
00:21:03,162 --> 00:21:04,740
Hello. Hello.
485
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,141
Let me take your briefcase.
486
00:21:06,165 --> 00:21:07,876
Oh, thank you. That's okay.
487
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:09,478
Oh, isn't that lovely?
488
00:21:09,502 --> 00:21:13,549
I've always been
fascinated by signs.
489
00:21:13,573 --> 00:21:16,785
Did you know that the record
for the world's largest sign
490
00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:19,388
is held by two ancient
Chinese workmen?
491
00:21:19,412 --> 00:21:20,389
Really? Yes.
492
00:21:20,413 --> 00:21:23,692
They did it in 407 A.D.
493
00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:27,296
and it stretched from one end
of the Great Wall to the other.
494
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:31,900
And it read...
495
00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:32,968
What does that mean?
496
00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:34,270
"Wet paint."
497
00:21:34,294 --> 00:21:37,273
However, that record is
currently being challenged
498
00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:39,241
by a gentleman
from Cleo, Kansas,
499
00:21:39,265 --> 00:21:43,812
who's attempting to body
paint the entire King family.
500
00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:45,381
Well, enough of that
501
00:21:45,405 --> 00:21:47,349
about those who've
already achieved immortality,
502
00:21:47,373 --> 00:21:49,050
back to the
business at hand, eh?
503
00:21:49,074 --> 00:21:51,587
I must confess that when I
first met your father, Mr. Sanford,
504
00:21:51,611 --> 00:21:54,923
I didn't think that he was
World Book material, no,
505
00:21:54,947 --> 00:21:56,292
but he certainly fooled me.
506
00:21:56,316 --> 00:21:59,094
Tell me, I wonder, what
prompted him to go for the record?
507
00:21:59,118 --> 00:22:01,263
- Well, you see, it all began...
- No, no, Bubba.
508
00:22:01,287 --> 00:22:03,432
Now, let Pop do his
talking for himself, man.
509
00:22:03,456 --> 00:22:04,433
Hey, Pop!
510
00:22:04,457 --> 00:22:06,067
Oh, Pop!
511
00:22:06,091 --> 00:22:08,304
Where'd he go? Hey,
Fred, where are you?
512
00:22:08,328 --> 00:22:10,105
If this is some sort
of a practical joke,
513
00:22:10,129 --> 00:22:11,239
I certainly don't appreciate it.
514
00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:12,741
I have an appointment with a man
515
00:22:12,765 --> 00:22:16,834
who has eaten nothing but
prunes for the past two weeks.
516
00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:19,348
I'm sure you can understand
517
00:22:19,372 --> 00:22:22,918
I don't want to
keep him waiting.
518
00:22:22,942 --> 00:22:24,720
Well, he must be some place.
519
00:22:24,744 --> 00:22:26,188
He must've stepped
out for a minute.
520
00:22:26,212 --> 00:22:28,324
Well, let's see, I came
in, gave him my briefcase.
521
00:22:28,348 --> 00:22:29,958
He went toward the couch,
522
00:22:29,982 --> 00:22:32,394
put the briefcase
on the table...
523
00:22:32,418 --> 00:22:33,929
and fell asleep on the floor.
524
00:22:33,953 --> 00:22:36,198
Oh, no, no, no.
525
00:22:36,222 --> 00:22:38,233
Nice try.
526
00:22:38,257 --> 00:22:43,605
I'm sorry, but Mr. Sanford
missed the record by 43 seconds.
527
00:22:43,629 --> 00:22:46,241
Oh, Fred, how could you do this
528
00:22:46,265 --> 00:22:48,444
when we almost
had it in the bag?
529
00:22:48,468 --> 00:22:49,778
And just think,
530
00:22:49,802 --> 00:22:53,114
I sang 3,249 choruses of
"Alexander's Ragtime Band"
531
00:22:53,138 --> 00:22:54,483
for nothing.
532
00:22:54,507 --> 00:22:58,721
Roger, you can stop
dribbling the basketball now.
533
00:22:58,745 --> 00:22:59,955
I don't think I can.
534
00:22:59,979 --> 00:23:02,190
I've been dribbling
for five straight days.
535
00:23:02,214 --> 00:23:04,526
Just a moment!
536
00:23:04,550 --> 00:23:08,964
Do you mean to tell me that
you actually sang 3,249 choruses
537
00:23:08,988 --> 00:23:10,232
of "Alexander's Ragtime Band"?
538
00:23:10,256 --> 00:23:11,433
That's right.
539
00:23:11,457 --> 00:23:13,101
And you've been
dribbling a basketball
540
00:23:13,125 --> 00:23:14,503
for five straight days.
541
00:23:14,527 --> 00:23:15,838
Uh-huh.
542
00:23:15,862 --> 00:23:17,406
Oh, I have good news for you.
543
00:23:17,430 --> 00:23:19,341
You have both just
broken world records!
544
00:23:19,365 --> 00:23:20,676
Congratulations.
545
00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:26,882
Me and you. Me and you.
546
00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:30,919
What about me? What about me?
547
00:23:30,943 --> 00:23:33,689
What about me? What about me?
548
00:23:33,713 --> 00:23:36,091
Uh, what about me?
549
00:23:36,115 --> 00:23:38,627
Just repeat that
another 27,000 times
550
00:23:38,651 --> 00:23:40,228
and give me a call.
551
00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:44,633
What about me? What about me?
What about me? What about me?
552
00:23:44,657 --> 00:23:46,189
What about me?
553
00:23:48,461 --> 00:23:51,306
Where's your father? I
haven't seen him for three days.
554
00:23:51,330 --> 00:23:52,908
Yeah, well, that's
because he's been sleeping
555
00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:54,376
ever since Bubba and Roger
556
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,478
were inducted into the
Book of World Records.
557
00:23:56,502 --> 00:23:58,079
I have to give it
to him, though.
558
00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:00,181
He did one heck of a try. Yeah.
559
00:24:00,205 --> 00:24:01,583
Well, I'm just
glad it's over with,
560
00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:03,519
and now Pop finally realizes
561
00:24:03,543 --> 00:24:05,287
he doesn't have to
break any silly record
562
00:24:05,311 --> 00:24:06,288
to impress anybody.
563
00:24:06,312 --> 00:24:07,856
What about me? Yeah.
564
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,191
What about me? What about me?
565
00:24:10,215 --> 00:24:11,593
Hi, son. Hi, Janet.
566
00:24:11,617 --> 00:24:13,328
Hi, Dad. Hey, Pop,
how you feeling?
567
00:24:13,352 --> 00:24:14,830
Oh, I feel pretty good, son.
568
00:24:14,854 --> 00:24:16,832
I'll feel better after I
come out of the shower.
569
00:24:16,856 --> 00:24:18,366
I'll see you next week.
570
00:24:18,390 --> 00:24:19,568
Next week?
571
00:24:19,592 --> 00:24:21,503
Yeah, I'm breaking
another record.
572
00:24:21,527 --> 00:24:23,687
I won't be out of the
bathroom for eight days.
42188
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