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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:11,881 Hey, listen. 2 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,950 Listen, Roger, didn't I tell you to cut that out? 3 00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:15,552 How you expect me to get any rest 4 00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:16,753 if you're making all that noise? 5 00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:18,155 But, Grandpa Fred, 6 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:19,756 I'm gonna be just like Walt Frazier, 7 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,291 the star of the Knicks. 8 00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:22,959 Good. Well, go practice in New York. 9 00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,528 Give me that ball. 10 00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:28,065 How am I gonna learn to dribble without a basketball? 11 00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:29,466 You don't need one. 12 00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:31,268 Haven't you ever heard of shadow dribbling? 13 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:32,335 Shadow dribbling? 14 00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:34,137 Yeah, we used to do it all the time 15 00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:36,081 when I was with the Globetrotters. 16 00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:39,076 You were in the Harlem Globetrotters? 17 00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,811 Wow! Can you teach me how to shadow dribble? 18 00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:44,981 Sure. See, it's like shadow boxing... 19 00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,749 only you shadow dribble. 20 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,252 Get it? Yeah, just pretend you're dribbling. 21 00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,753 That's it. Now back up. 22 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,522 Take a back step. That's it. 23 00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:53,957 Now to the right. 24 00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:55,559 To the left. Dribble back. 25 00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:57,194 Higher, higher! 26 00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:58,962 Higher! Higher! 27 00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:00,130 Back step! 28 00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:02,988 Higher! Bye-er. 29 00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:15,678 Hiya. 30 00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:17,247 What are you doing? 31 00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:19,682 Grandpa Fred was just teaching me how to shadow dribble. 32 00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:21,218 Shadow dribble? Yeah. 33 00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:23,520 Like when he was in the Harlem Globetrotters. 34 00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:26,256 Pop, you were never in the Harlem Globetrotters. 35 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,958 Yes, I was. You just don't remember. 36 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,994 Because when I was dribbling with the Globetrotters, 37 00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:34,052 you was slam-dunking in your diapers. 38 00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:38,101 Listen, Pop, I got some good news for you. 39 00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:39,769 Don't tell me, I know. 40 00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:43,928 Esther had her face lifted by a two-ton crane. 41 00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:46,743 Well, you remember I told you 42 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,845 that Janet's mother was a schoolteacher up in Oakland? 43 00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,313 Mmm. Well, see, she wrote this paper 44 00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,048 on how to discipline problem children, 45 00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,517 and the paper was so good, Pop, 46 00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:56,853 that she was named Teacher of the Month by Education Magazine. 47 00:02:56,877 --> 00:03:00,857 I'm sure she'll make a lovely centerfold. 48 00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:03,493 That's my grandma. She's the greatest. 49 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,695 Hey, Roger, will you excuse me and Pop for a minute? 50 00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,829 Yeah, Roger, look here. 51 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,798 If you wanna be great and full of spunk, 52 00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:11,723 go out in the yard and dribble in the junk. 53 00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,371 Well, for your information, Pop. 54 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,606 Education Magazine is very big, man. 55 00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,808 Now, this is a big honor for Mrs. Gordon. 56 00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:21,878 I understand. I was once in Dump Daily. 57 00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:24,648 I was Junkmate of the Month. 58 00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,849 I give up. It's impossible to try to talk to you. 59 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,851 I'm sorry, son. I know it's a great honor. 60 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:32,021 Next time you're in Oakland, congratulate her from me. 61 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,223 Why don't you do it yourself? 62 00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:34,658 Because I'm not going to Oakland. 63 00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:37,561 Pop, that's what I've been trying to tell you. 64 00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:38,961 You don't have to tell me, 65 00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:42,031 I know I'm not going to Oakland. 66 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,733 Look, every year, there's this big teachers' conference 67 00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,202 here in L.A., 68 00:03:45,226 --> 00:03:47,437 and Mrs. Gordon was picked to read her paper here. 69 00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,372 Now, she's coming here next week, man, you know. 70 00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,873 And she's dying to meet you. 71 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,342 Well, I'm not dying to meet her. 72 00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:55,579 What do I have in common with some old stuffy schoolteacher? 73 00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:58,014 Well, to start with, me and Janet. 74 00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:00,083 Don't worry about it, Pop. 75 00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:01,884 She's a wonderful woman, and the two of you 76 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,453 are gonna get along just fine. 77 00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:05,788 Oh, I always get along swell with schoolteachers. 78 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:09,748 I can't wait to meet her so I can clap her erasers. 79 00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:20,203 Fred, could you stand still? 80 00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:21,605 I can't see the movie. 81 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,306 And it's my very favorite one too: 82 00:04:23,330 --> 00:04:26,643 The Giant Baboon Who Ate Rangoon... 83 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:33,082 at Noon... in June... with a Spoon. 84 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:36,141 And will you shut up soon? 85 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:39,689 What's eating you, Fred? I don't know, Bubba. 86 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,190 I just haven't... I'm just nervous. 87 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:43,226 I haven't even slept since I heard the news. 88 00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:44,628 What news? 89 00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:45,862 You know, Janet's mother, 90 00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,997 the big-shot schoolteacher up there in Oakland, 91 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,066 and she's coming all the way down here 92 00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:51,635 just to read a paper. 93 00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:54,837 Don't they have no papers up in Oakland? 94 00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:57,274 Bubba, it's a paper that she wrote. 95 00:04:57,298 --> 00:04:58,541 You see, she's reading it 96 00:04:58,565 --> 00:05:00,810 at a big teachers' convention here in town, 97 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,479 out loud, in front of everybody. 98 00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,547 Fred, you must feel very dumb. 99 00:05:04,571 --> 00:05:07,284 What are your grandchildren gonna think? 100 00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:09,152 They got a grandmother who writes papers 101 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:11,588 and a grandfather who collects them. 102 00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:14,957 Before I talked to you, Bubba, I felt awful. 103 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:18,695 Now I feel terrible. How'd you like to feel this? 104 00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,430 Well, I'm sorry. 105 00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:22,732 You're right, Bubba. 106 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:26,603 What she gonna think of me? I ain't nothing but a junkman. 107 00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:29,038 Fred, you remind me of the immortal Phil Greene. 108 00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:31,775 Who's he? He used to be just like you. 109 00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:34,243 A nothing, a nobody, 110 00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,112 a useless empty shell of a man, 111 00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:37,914 until he became world-famous 112 00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:41,284 by pushing a water barrel from Los Angeles to Detroit, 113 00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:43,820 a feat that got him a place 114 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,222 on the Official Book of World Records. 115 00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:48,491 What's that got to do with me? Don't you see, Fred? 116 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:49,726 If you could get your name 117 00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:51,127 in the Official Book of World Records, 118 00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:52,696 it would be just as important 119 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:56,098 as reading a paper at some teachers' conference. 120 00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:58,000 You think so? Sure. 121 00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,637 Maybe Janet's mother might even write a paper about you, Fred. 122 00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:02,972 I think you got something there. 123 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:05,230 Yeah... No... 124 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,367 There. 125 00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,414 How's that feel, Fred? 126 00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:13,249 Oh, fine, Bubba, it's easy. Good. 127 00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:15,017 Just stay that way until Thursday, 128 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,319 and you'll be immortal. 129 00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,688 If I stay this way till Thursday, 130 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,957 I'll be a stork. 131 00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:24,427 So, so far, every record you've come up with is impossible. 132 00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:25,995 Try harder, look in there. 133 00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:28,931 We haven't even scratched the surface, Fred. 134 00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:30,333 Here's a good one, Fred. 135 00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:32,268 Make two fists. 136 00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:35,672 Now stick 'em in your armpits. 137 00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,306 That's it. 138 00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,898 Now flap your arms and squat. 139 00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,101 Yeah. 140 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,418 Uh, now, how long do I have to do this? 141 00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,152 Just till the eggs are hatched. 142 00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:56,092 No man has ever done that before! 143 00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,763 How would you like to hold the record 144 00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:01,698 for the world's fattest lip? 145 00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,099 Hold it, Fred. 146 00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:04,634 I think I got it. 147 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,569 You like apple pie, don't ya? 148 00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:08,971 Sure, all Americans love apple pie. 149 00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:11,374 Your problem's solved. It is? 150 00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:12,942 Yeah. 151 00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:15,244 Now, who told you you could use my phone? 152 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,880 I'm sorry. Can I use your phone, Fred? 153 00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:19,649 Sure, you don't have to ask. 154 00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,351 Hello, is this Paul's Pie Palace? 155 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:25,221 I'd like to order 243 apple pies. 156 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:28,491 Put that phone down! I can't eat no 243 apple pies. 157 00:07:28,515 --> 00:07:30,493 You only have to eat 240. 158 00:07:30,517 --> 00:07:32,995 Three of 'em are for me. 159 00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:34,764 Oh, Bubba, we can do better than this. 160 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:35,998 I'm a nervous wreck. 161 00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:37,634 I haven't slept a wink, 162 00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,168 and I probably won't sleep a wink 163 00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,604 until after Janet's mother leaves here. 164 00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:44,273 Oh... Wait a minute. 165 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,175 That's it. 166 00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:49,045 Awake... awake... awake. 167 00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:50,947 Yeah, here it is. 168 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,015 You know, if you stay awake until she leaves, 169 00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:54,551 you'll break the world record 170 00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:57,053 currently held by Choo Choo Rabinowitz. 171 00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,855 How much longer do I have to stay up? 172 00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:02,124 Oh, about 7 days, 14 hours and 20 minutes. 173 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,126 I don't think I can make it, Bubba. 174 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,162 How am I going to stay up that long? 175 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,597 It'll be easy, Fred. 176 00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:09,699 I'll supervise the whole operation. 177 00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:11,100 You will? 178 00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:13,837 I can see it now. I'm gonna be immortal! 179 00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:18,942 Look out, Choo Choo Rabinowitz, I'm gonna break that record. 180 00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:21,143 What is all this talk about a record? 181 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,446 Oh, son, you see, I'm gonna break the record, 182 00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:25,548 the world's record for staying up longer than anybody else. 183 00:08:25,572 --> 00:08:26,749 Sure you are. 184 00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:27,851 You just don't believe me 185 00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:28,852 because you don't think 186 00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,252 I can be nothing but a junkman. 187 00:08:30,276 --> 00:08:32,088 Pop, you don't have to prove anything to me. 188 00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,290 Think of how proud you're gonna be of me, son, 189 00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:36,793 with my name right next to Hank Aaron, 190 00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:39,796 Jesse Owens and Melvin Watson. 191 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,163 Who's Melvin Watson? 192 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,166 Oh, he went to Guido's Italian Grotto 193 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:48,371 and ate continuously for 314 hours. 194 00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:50,595 May he rest in pizza. 195 00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:54,777 Go ahead, Pop. Make a fool out of yourself. I don't care. 196 00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:56,579 I'm not gonna make a fool of myself. 197 00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:58,080 I'm just gonna show you 198 00:08:58,104 --> 00:09:01,083 that I'm just as important as your future mother-in-law. 199 00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:03,553 Would you do me a favor? 200 00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:04,954 Please don't mess up 201 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:08,157 Mrs. Gordon's visit here to Los Angeles, okay? 202 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,727 Mrs. Gordon, indeed. 203 00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:13,396 You know, maybe it's not such a great idea, Fred. 204 00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:14,998 Listen, don't worry about him. He's just jealous. 205 00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:16,032 Now, what do we do? 206 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,233 Well, first, I'll have to call 207 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:18,401 the Official Book of Records 208 00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:20,336 and tell them to get their erasers ready. 209 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,038 Okay, well, I'll just make myself comfortable. 210 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,741 I mean, after I get comfortable, I don't need... 211 00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,876 What are you doing, Bubba? 212 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,878 I'm not gonna let you relax. 213 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,080 That's the worst thing you can do is to get comfortable. 214 00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:32,314 What you need to do 215 00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:34,817 is to be around things that make you jumpy, 216 00:09:34,841 --> 00:09:36,452 things that annoy you, 217 00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:38,320 things that make your skin crawl. 218 00:09:38,344 --> 00:09:40,812 Well, what are you waiting for? Call Esther. 219 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,461 Lamont, relax. 220 00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:47,630 I can't, baby. I'm too nervous. 221 00:09:47,654 --> 00:09:49,632 You've met my mother before. 222 00:09:49,656 --> 00:09:51,167 I know. That's not the problem. 223 00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:53,135 Your mother's never met Pop before. 224 00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:55,104 I can't believe he's actually going through with this. 225 00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:56,906 I mean, he's been up for four straight days. 226 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,908 I hope he's not under any kind of a strain. 227 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,342 No, well, I made sure. 228 00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:03,145 I called up the doctor and had him come over and check Pop out. 229 00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:04,480 What'd the doctor say? 230 00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:05,882 Well, he said Pop's in good shape, 231 00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:07,684 but he's in no condition to meet your mom. 232 00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:09,719 I mean, he's irritable and cranky and grouchy. 233 00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,854 This morning, he bit one of the neighbors. 234 00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:15,124 I think you're exaggerating. 235 00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:19,195 I also feel that everything is gonna be just fine. 236 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:20,597 Maybe you're right. 237 00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,665 Pop is notorious for not finishing what he starts. 238 00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:26,202 Oh, I know something that he finished, 239 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,004 and am I delighted. 240 00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:29,639 Don't you start now, your mother's coming here. 241 00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:31,173 Mm-hmmm. 242 00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:33,431 There she is. Oh, there she is. 243 00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:36,813 Hi, Mom. Hello, sweetheart. 244 00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,214 How are you? Fine. 245 00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:40,216 Hello, Lamont. Hello, Mrs. Gordon. 246 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,384 I'm so excited about this visit. 247 00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:43,753 Oh, so are we. 248 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,755 You must really be looking forward to the conference, huh? 249 00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:48,057 Oh, I am. It's quite a thrill. 250 00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:51,094 And I'm also looking forward to meeting your father. 251 00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:53,195 Uh, I just remembered: Pop can't meet anybody this week. 252 00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:55,131 See, it's the height of the junk season. 253 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,333 And right now, rust is at a premium. 254 00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:58,601 Lamont! 255 00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,003 It's all right, dear. 256 00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:02,138 I know how Lamont feels. 257 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,940 It's always hardest on the kids 258 00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:07,376 when the future in-laws meet for the first time. 259 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:12,148 And I'm sure your father is as up for it as I am. 260 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,706 Oh, he's up for it, all right. 261 00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,554 ♪ Come on and hear Come on and hear ♪ 262 00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:20,957 ♪ Alexander's Ragtime Band... ♪♪ Please, Bubba. 263 00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:23,492 Shut up, shut up. You're driving me crazy. 264 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,495 Oh, come on, Fred, you know my singing keeps you awake. 265 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,898 Yeah, but you keep singing the same old tune over and over. 266 00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,366 Sing something else, will you? 267 00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:33,002 I only know one other tune, and I don't think you like that. 268 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,871 I don't care what it is, Bubba. 269 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,906 Just start singing it. All right. 270 00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:39,542 ♪ Rock-a-bye, baby ♪ 271 00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:41,177 ♪ In the treetop ♪ 272 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,311 ♪ When the wind... ♪♪ 273 00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,814 Wake up, Fred! Oh, Bubba, please. 274 00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:46,983 It felt so good. Let me try it again. 275 00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:48,985 ♪ Come on and hear, Come on and hear... ♪♪ 276 00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:50,720 No, not that one, Bubba, please. 277 00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:53,589 Just let me take a little nap. Nobody will know. 278 00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:56,125 It'll just be between me and my pillow. 279 00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:57,694 You can't do that, Fred. 280 00:11:57,718 --> 00:12:00,429 You have to break the record fair and square. 281 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:03,232 And besides, the man from the Official Book of Records 282 00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:05,101 said he might drop by at any time. 283 00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:06,903 You know, they check on you that way. 284 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,304 Here, I'll get you some more coffee. 285 00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:10,006 Wait a minute, Bubba, no more coffee. 286 00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,473 I've had so much coffee 287 00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:14,432 you're beginning to look like Mrs. Olson. 288 00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:22,284 All right, then it's time to bring in the second team. 289 00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,487 Hi, Grandpa Fred. 290 00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:26,889 Keep it up, Roger. 291 00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,057 How's that, Fred? 292 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,491 Oh, it's no good, Bubba. 293 00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:30,827 I'm fading fast. 294 00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:33,562 Fear not, Fred. We still have our ace in the hole. 295 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,198 Esther's on her way. 296 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,367 There's our ace in the hole 297 00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:41,270 who should have her face in a hole. 298 00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:45,374 I was wondering what took the old groundhog so long. 299 00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:49,200 Welcome to my castle, your ugliness. 300 00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:02,925 Well, now you've met Pop. 301 00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:04,627 How do you do? 302 00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:05,694 Well, I must say 303 00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:08,564 you have a unique way of answering the door. 304 00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:09,732 He's not always like that. 305 00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:12,101 No, you see, Pop hasn't slept in four days. 306 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,469 Oh, you poor man. 307 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,271 Do you suffer from insomnia? 308 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,173 Oh, no, let me explain. See... 309 00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:18,374 Don't explain that now. Just hush. 310 00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:19,876 You don't have to explain that. 311 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,644 Well, your father's right, Lamont. 312 00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:24,046 No one needs to give me an explanation. 313 00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:27,150 Now, that's what I like: a woman with class. 314 00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:29,752 If no one's going to tell her, I will. 315 00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:33,756 The reason why Mr. Sanford hasn't slept in four days 316 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:37,860 is because he's trying to break the official world record 317 00:13:37,884 --> 00:13:40,029 for staying awake. 318 00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:42,231 Why, that's wonderful! 319 00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:43,721 It is, isn't it? 320 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:46,903 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call... 321 00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:48,604 I didn't mean to call you "your ugliness." 322 00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:50,273 I mean, I thought you was my sister-in-law. 323 00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:52,474 Oh, that's all right. 324 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:56,767 You know, I am impressed. 325 00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:02,919 Well, it's quite an undertaking. 326 00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,054 Yes, I'm doing it for my grandchildren. 327 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:10,014 See, I want them to remember me for something other than Lamont. 328 00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,562 Well, I understand what you're trying to say, 329 00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:15,798 and I think it's just beautiful. 330 00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:18,968 Mr. Sanford, you're so thoughtful, Mmm. 331 00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:23,706 So kind, so warm, so loving... 332 00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:25,507 So off your duff! 333 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:27,776 I didn't write a paper on discipline for nothing, 334 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,178 so keep moving! 335 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,013 Left, right, left, right! 336 00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,338 Left, right, left, right! 337 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:37,186 You can't put that five on top. 338 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:40,056 How would you like me to put this five on your bottom? 339 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,858 I was only trying to help. 340 00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:43,659 Well, look, Roger, why don't you dribble that ball 341 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,928 on into the kitchen and get yourself some breakfast? 342 00:14:45,952 --> 00:14:48,186 All right. 343 00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:12,310 Aah! 344 00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:19,095 I just came over to help you stay awake, 345 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:22,053 you old fish-eyed fool. 346 00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:26,102 Well, that certainly was sweet of you, Esther, 347 00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:28,504 just to deliver such a lovely message. 348 00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:29,939 Oh, really? Yeah. 349 00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:32,041 Reminded me of something from Western Union: 350 00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,365 an ugly-gram. 351 00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:40,049 Step back, please, I got company. 352 00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,953 I'm coming. What do you expect? I've decided to run off? 353 00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,421 How do you do? 354 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,456 I'm Walter Grayson from the Official Book of World Records. 355 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,991 Is this the Sanford residence? 356 00:15:49,015 --> 00:15:51,527 Yes, it is. I'm Fred G. Sanford. 357 00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:55,331 And the G is for "Grab yourself a seat." 358 00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,566 Thank you, but I have a terribly pressing schedule. 359 00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,068 You mean "skedule"? 360 00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:01,137 We say "shedule." 361 00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:02,538 Now, I've been informed 362 00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:05,374 that you're attempting to break one of our records. 363 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:06,875 That is correct. 364 00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:11,480 Which one are you after? Most debris in one room? 365 00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:13,482 Well, how about that, Esther? 366 00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:14,939 You in the book already. 367 00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:24,427 Why don't you try for the lollipop record? 368 00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:27,185 All-day sucker. 369 00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:34,803 Listen, I'll soon... I'll soon be in your book 370 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,605 for staying up longer than anybody else. 371 00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:37,806 Well, we'll see. 372 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,976 Forty-eight more hours is a long time 373 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,844 when you haven't slept for a week. 374 00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:45,548 I'll wager your eyelids are feeling very heavy. 375 00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:47,149 Oh, Lord have mercy! Fred, you all right? 376 00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:48,284 Esther, yeah, I'm all right. 377 00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,352 Take your hands off me! 378 00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:52,176 I ain't had my tetanus shot yet. 379 00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:56,625 I suppose you're one of the witnesses. 380 00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:59,028 Yes, I'm Miss Esther Anderson. 381 00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:02,631 Better known as "Dog Face Afternoon." 382 00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:05,368 Look, never mind her. 383 00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:07,103 You got your pencil warmed up? 384 00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:08,337 Come on over here 385 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,439 and let me tell you a little bit about myself. 386 00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,242 You may not believe it, but, like most celebrities, 387 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:16,479 I came from an humble beginning. 388 00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:20,638 My family had the only log cabin in St. Louis. 389 00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,986 And I suppose your schedule 390 00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:27,890 called for you to walk five miles to school every day. 391 00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:30,381 You mean "shool", don't you? 392 00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:36,332 Mr. Sanford... 393 00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:39,601 Listen, I walked five miles to "shool" 394 00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:42,338 and then swam five miles. 395 00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:43,772 Really, Mr. Sanford? 396 00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:46,275 I remember it so well. 397 00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:47,876 At the time, I was sharing a bed 398 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,912 with my youngest brother, Jerome. 399 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:53,149 Then I realized I could stay up night and day. 400 00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:55,484 You mean even as a child you were an insomniac? 401 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:58,242 No, Jerome was a bed-wetter. 402 00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:03,092 Well, I'll get all this down when and if it counts. 403 00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:05,661 I just stopped by to make certain everything was in order. 404 00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:09,398 Let me remind you that I could stop by again at any time. 405 00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,500 Oh, I can assure you, sir, 406 00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:14,103 that Mr. Bexley and I will see to it 407 00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:15,804 that Mr. Sanford keeps the rules. 408 00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,373 Mr. Bexley? 409 00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:20,209 Oh, I almost forgot to introduce you to my friend here, 410 00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:22,945 the genius that masterminded my climb to the top. 411 00:18:22,969 --> 00:18:24,680 Eh, Bubba, wake up. 412 00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,848 ♪ Come on and hear Come on and hear ♪ 413 00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:28,484 ♪ Alexander's Ragtime Band ♪ 414 00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:30,553 ♪ Come on and hear Come on and hear ♪ 415 00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,354 ♪ Alexander's Ragtime Band... ♪♪ 416 00:18:32,378 --> 00:18:34,523 I can't go through it, Bubba. I can't make it. 417 00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:36,192 You can't quit now, Fred. 418 00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:38,060 You only got one more day. 419 00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:40,929 The Official Book of Records doesn't care for second place. 420 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,332 Now, suck in that gut, straighten that back, 421 00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:45,667 and go out there and get this one for the Gipper. 422 00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:46,835 You're right, coach. 423 00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:48,270 I don't know what got into me. 424 00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:49,838 Give me some coffee, Bubba. Okay. 425 00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:52,208 Roger, go upstairs and get my radio. 426 00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:54,276 Yeah, now you're working. 427 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:57,067 Way to go, Grandpa Fred. 428 00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:07,956 Argh! 429 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:09,325 What are you doing sneaking around, 430 00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:10,459 scaring people like that? 431 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:13,496 I was just coming over to help you stay awake! 432 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:14,930 And I'm glad I did. 433 00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:16,532 Oh, I don't know what to do. 434 00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:18,200 I just can't keep my eyes open. 435 00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:20,068 Well, I'm going to have to do for you 436 00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:21,604 like I do for my students. 437 00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:23,305 What's that? 438 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,407 Start running in place! 439 00:19:25,431 --> 00:19:27,643 And repeat after me... Huh? 440 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:31,113 I... I... will... will... not... not... 441 00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:33,249 fall... fall... asleep! Asleep! 442 00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:34,583 Again! Again! 443 00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:36,818 Well, you only got six more minutes, Pop, 444 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,320 to break the record. 445 00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:41,690 Oh, son, I... I can't make it. I know I can't. 446 00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,360 ♪ Come on and hear Come on and hear ♪ 447 00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:46,195 ♪ Alexander's Ragtime Band ♪ 448 00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,430 ♪ Come on and hear Come on and hear ♪ 449 00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:51,200 ♪ It's the best band In the land ♪♪ 450 00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:52,834 And when I get back to Oakland, 451 00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:55,037 all my friends are going to ask me about my visit, 452 00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:56,438 and I'm gonna tell them 453 00:19:56,462 --> 00:19:59,241 the highlight wasn't the teachers' conference, 454 00:19:59,265 --> 00:20:01,477 it was meeting Fred Sanford! 455 00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:02,878 And now the man of the hour, 456 00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:04,680 I should say the man of the final hour, 457 00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,549 well, really, the man of the last five minutes, 458 00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,350 my pop, Fred Sanford. 459 00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:10,219 Thank you, son. 460 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:13,088 And now that I have the record almost wrapped up, 461 00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:16,492 I'd like to propose a toast. 462 00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:18,227 Down the hatch, bottoms up, 463 00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:22,731 l'chaim, good health and good night. 464 00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:25,301 Speech, speech, speech, speech! 465 00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:27,636 Where was I? 466 00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:30,606 Oh, uh, I want to thank everyone here 467 00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:32,341 that made this possible for me, 468 00:20:32,365 --> 00:20:34,009 especially you, Bubba, 469 00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:35,678 with your terrible singing, 470 00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:36,812 and for you, Roger, 471 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,347 for dribbling that ball all the time, 472 00:20:38,371 --> 00:20:40,416 and Choo Choo Rabinowitz for not staying up 473 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:41,817 any longer than she did. 474 00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:44,820 There's the door. That must be Mr. Grayson. 475 00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:47,956 Oh... 476 00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:49,191 I'm coming. 477 00:20:49,215 --> 00:20:51,827 Well, Mr. Sanford, I see you're still awake. 478 00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:54,830 I was certain it was way past your bedtime. 479 00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:55,931 Sorry to disappoint you, 480 00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:57,766 but what you see is history in the making. 481 00:20:57,790 --> 00:20:59,868 Oh, good. Uh, come in, Mr. Grayson. 482 00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:01,203 Make yourself comfortable. 483 00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:03,138 Uh, you know Bubba and my son Lamont. 484 00:21:03,162 --> 00:21:04,740 Hello. Hello. 485 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,141 Let me take your briefcase. 486 00:21:06,165 --> 00:21:07,876 Oh, thank you. That's okay. 487 00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:09,478 Oh, isn't that lovely? 488 00:21:09,502 --> 00:21:13,549 I've always been fascinated by signs. 489 00:21:13,573 --> 00:21:16,785 Did you know that the record for the world's largest sign 490 00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:19,388 is held by two ancient Chinese workmen? 491 00:21:19,412 --> 00:21:20,389 Really? Yes. 492 00:21:20,413 --> 00:21:23,692 They did it in 407 A.D. 493 00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:27,296 and it stretched from one end of the Great Wall to the other. 494 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:31,900 And it read... 495 00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:32,968 What does that mean? 496 00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:34,270 "Wet paint." 497 00:21:34,294 --> 00:21:37,273 However, that record is currently being challenged 498 00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:39,241 by a gentleman from Cleo, Kansas, 499 00:21:39,265 --> 00:21:43,812 who's attempting to body paint the entire King family. 500 00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:45,381 Well, enough of that 501 00:21:45,405 --> 00:21:47,349 about those who've already achieved immortality, 502 00:21:47,373 --> 00:21:49,050 back to the business at hand, eh? 503 00:21:49,074 --> 00:21:51,587 I must confess that when I first met your father, Mr. Sanford, 504 00:21:51,611 --> 00:21:54,923 I didn't think that he was World Book material, no, 505 00:21:54,947 --> 00:21:56,292 but he certainly fooled me. 506 00:21:56,316 --> 00:21:59,094 Tell me, I wonder, what prompted him to go for the record? 507 00:21:59,118 --> 00:22:01,263 - Well, you see, it all began... - No, no, Bubba. 508 00:22:01,287 --> 00:22:03,432 Now, let Pop do his talking for himself, man. 509 00:22:03,456 --> 00:22:04,433 Hey, Pop! 510 00:22:04,457 --> 00:22:06,067 Oh, Pop! 511 00:22:06,091 --> 00:22:08,304 Where'd he go? Hey, Fred, where are you? 512 00:22:08,328 --> 00:22:10,105 If this is some sort of a practical joke, 513 00:22:10,129 --> 00:22:11,239 I certainly don't appreciate it. 514 00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:12,741 I have an appointment with a man 515 00:22:12,765 --> 00:22:16,834 who has eaten nothing but prunes for the past two weeks. 516 00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:19,348 I'm sure you can understand 517 00:22:19,372 --> 00:22:22,918 I don't want to keep him waiting. 518 00:22:22,942 --> 00:22:24,720 Well, he must be some place. 519 00:22:24,744 --> 00:22:26,188 He must've stepped out for a minute. 520 00:22:26,212 --> 00:22:28,324 Well, let's see, I came in, gave him my briefcase. 521 00:22:28,348 --> 00:22:29,958 He went toward the couch, 522 00:22:29,982 --> 00:22:32,394 put the briefcase on the table... 523 00:22:32,418 --> 00:22:33,929 and fell asleep on the floor. 524 00:22:33,953 --> 00:22:36,198 Oh, no, no, no. 525 00:22:36,222 --> 00:22:38,233 Nice try. 526 00:22:38,257 --> 00:22:43,605 I'm sorry, but Mr. Sanford missed the record by 43 seconds. 527 00:22:43,629 --> 00:22:46,241 Oh, Fred, how could you do this 528 00:22:46,265 --> 00:22:48,444 when we almost had it in the bag? 529 00:22:48,468 --> 00:22:49,778 And just think, 530 00:22:49,802 --> 00:22:53,114 I sang 3,249 choruses of "Alexander's Ragtime Band" 531 00:22:53,138 --> 00:22:54,483 for nothing. 532 00:22:54,507 --> 00:22:58,721 Roger, you can stop dribbling the basketball now. 533 00:22:58,745 --> 00:22:59,955 I don't think I can. 534 00:22:59,979 --> 00:23:02,190 I've been dribbling for five straight days. 535 00:23:02,214 --> 00:23:04,526 Just a moment! 536 00:23:04,550 --> 00:23:08,964 Do you mean to tell me that you actually sang 3,249 choruses 537 00:23:08,988 --> 00:23:10,232 of "Alexander's Ragtime Band"? 538 00:23:10,256 --> 00:23:11,433 That's right. 539 00:23:11,457 --> 00:23:13,101 And you've been dribbling a basketball 540 00:23:13,125 --> 00:23:14,503 for five straight days. 541 00:23:14,527 --> 00:23:15,838 Uh-huh. 542 00:23:15,862 --> 00:23:17,406 Oh, I have good news for you. 543 00:23:17,430 --> 00:23:19,341 You have both just broken world records! 544 00:23:19,365 --> 00:23:20,676 Congratulations. 545 00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:26,882 Me and you. Me and you. 546 00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:30,919 What about me? What about me? 547 00:23:30,943 --> 00:23:33,689 What about me? What about me? 548 00:23:33,713 --> 00:23:36,091 Uh, what about me? 549 00:23:36,115 --> 00:23:38,627 Just repeat that another 27,000 times 550 00:23:38,651 --> 00:23:40,228 and give me a call. 551 00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:44,633 What about me? What about me? What about me? What about me? 552 00:23:44,657 --> 00:23:46,189 What about me? 553 00:23:48,461 --> 00:23:51,306 Where's your father? I haven't seen him for three days. 554 00:23:51,330 --> 00:23:52,908 Yeah, well, that's because he's been sleeping 555 00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:54,376 ever since Bubba and Roger 556 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,478 were inducted into the Book of World Records. 557 00:23:56,502 --> 00:23:58,079 I have to give it to him, though. 558 00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:00,181 He did one heck of a try. Yeah. 559 00:24:00,205 --> 00:24:01,583 Well, I'm just glad it's over with, 560 00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:03,519 and now Pop finally realizes 561 00:24:03,543 --> 00:24:05,287 he doesn't have to break any silly record 562 00:24:05,311 --> 00:24:06,288 to impress anybody. 563 00:24:06,312 --> 00:24:07,856 What about me? Yeah. 564 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,191 What about me? What about me? 565 00:24:10,215 --> 00:24:11,593 Hi, son. Hi, Janet. 566 00:24:11,617 --> 00:24:13,328 Hi, Dad. Hey, Pop, how you feeling? 567 00:24:13,352 --> 00:24:14,830 Oh, I feel pretty good, son. 568 00:24:14,854 --> 00:24:16,832 I'll feel better after I come out of the shower. 569 00:24:16,856 --> 00:24:18,366 I'll see you next week. 570 00:24:18,390 --> 00:24:19,568 Next week? 571 00:24:19,592 --> 00:24:21,503 Yeah, I'm breaking another record. 572 00:24:21,527 --> 00:24:23,687 I won't be out of the bathroom for eight days. 42188

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