Original subtitles

Hey, listen.

Listen, Roger, didn't I tell you to cut that out?

How you expect me to get any rest

if you're making all that noise?

But, Grandpa Fred,

I'm gonna be just like Walt Frazier,

the star of the Knicks.

Good. Well, go practice in New York.

Give me that ball.

How am I gonna learn to dribble without a basketball?

You don't need one.

Haven't you ever heard of shadow dribbling?

Shadow dribbling?

Yeah, we used to do it all the time

when I was with the Globetrotters.

You were in the Harlem Globetrotters?

Wow! Can you teach me how to shadow dribble?

Sure. See, it's like shadow boxing...

only you shadow dribble.

Get it? Yeah, just pretend you're dribbling.

That's it. Now back up.

Take a back step. That's it.

Now to the right.

To the left. Dribble back.

Higher, higher!

Higher! Higher!

Back step!

Higher! Bye-er.

Hiya.

What are you doing?

Grandpa Fred was just teaching me how to shadow dribble.

Shadow dribble? Yeah.

Like when he was in the Harlem Globetrotters.

Pop, you were never in the Harlem Globetrotters.

Yes, I was. You just don't remember.

Because when I was dribbling with the Globetrotters,

you was slam-dunking in your diapers.

Listen, Pop, I got some good news for you.

Don't tell me, I know.

Esther had her face lifted by a two-ton crane.

Well, you remember I told you

that Janet's mother was a schoolteacher up in Oakland?

Mmm. Well, see, she wrote this paper

on how to discipline problem children,

and the paper was so good, Pop,

that she was named Teacher of the Month by Education Magazine.

I'm sure she'll make a lovely centerfold.

That's my grandma. She's the greatest.

Hey, Roger, will you excuse me and Pop for a minute?

Yeah, Roger, look here.

If you wanna be great and full of spunk,

go out in the yard and dribble in the junk.

Well, for your information, Pop.

Education Magazine is very big, man.

Now, this is a big honor for Mrs. Gordon.

I understand. I was once in Dump Daily.

I was Junkmate of the Month.

I give up. It's impossible to try to talk to you.

I'm sorry, son. I know it's a great honor.

Next time you're in Oakland, congratulate her from me.

Why don't you do it yourself?

Because I'm not going to Oakland.

Pop, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

You don't have to tell me,

I know I'm not going to Oakland.

Look, every year, there's this big teachers' conference

here in L.A.,

and Mrs. Gordon was picked to read her paper here.

Now, she's coming here next week, man, you know.

And she's dying to meet you.

Well, I'm not dying to meet her.

What do I have in common with some old stuffy schoolteacher?

Well, to start with, me and Janet.

Don't worry about it, Pop.

She's a wonderful woman, and the two of you

are gonna get along just fine.

Oh, I always get along swell with schoolteachers.

I can't wait to meet her so I can clap her erasers.

Fred, could you stand still?

I can't see the movie.

And it's my very favorite one too:

The Giant Baboon Who Ate Rangoon...

at Noon... in June... with a Spoon.

And will you shut up soon?

What's eating you, Fred? I don't know, Bubba.

I just haven't... I'm just nervous.

I haven't even slept since I heard the news.

What news?

You know, Janet's mother,

the big-shot schoolteacher up there in Oakland,

and she's coming all the way down here

just to read a paper.

Don't they have no papers up in Oakland?

Bubba, it's a paper that she wrote.

You see, she's reading it

at a big teachers' convention here in town,

out loud, in front of everybody.

Fred, you must feel very dumb.

What are your grandchildren gonna think?

They got a grandmother who writes papers

and a grandfather who collects them.

Before I talked to you, Bubba, I felt awful.

Now I feel terrible. How'd you like to feel this?

Well, I'm sorry.

You're right, Bubba.

What she gonna think of me? I ain't nothing but a junkman.

Fred, you remind me of the immortal Phil Greene.

Who's he? He used to be just like you.

A nothing, a nobody,

a useless empty shell of a man,

until he became world-famous

by pushing a water barrel from Los Angeles to Detroit,

a feat that got him a place

on the Official Book of World Records.

What's that got to do with me? Don't you see, Fred?

If you could get your name

in the Official Book of World Records,

it would be just as important

as reading a paper at some teachers' conference.

You think so? Sure.

Maybe Janet's mother might even write a paper about you, Fred.

I think you got something there.

Yeah... No...

There.

How's that feel, Fred?

Oh, fine, Bubba, it's easy. Good.

Just stay that way until Thursday,

and you'll be immortal.

If I stay this way till Thursday,

I'll be a stork.

So, so far, every record you've come up with is impossible.

Try harder, look in there.

We haven't even scratched the surface, Fred.

Here's a good one, Fred.

Make two fists.

Now stick 'em in your armpits.

That's it.

Now flap your arms and squat.

Yeah.

Uh, now, how long do I have to do this?

Just till the eggs are hatched.

No man has ever done that before!

How would you like to hold the record

for the world's fattest lip?

Hold it, Fred.

I think I got it.

You like apple pie, don't ya?

Sure, all Americans love apple pie.

Your problem's solved. It is?

Yeah.

Now, who told you you could use my phone?

I'm sorry. Can I use your phone, Fred?

Sure, you don't have to ask.

Hello, is this Paul's Pie Palace?

I'd like to order 243 apple pies.

Put that phone down! I can't eat no 243 apple pies.

You only have to eat 240.

Three of 'em are for me.

Oh, Bubba, we can do better than this.

I'm a nervous wreck.

I haven't slept a wink,

and I probably won't sleep a wink

until after Janet's mother leaves here.

Oh... Wait a minute.

That's it.

Awake... awake... awake.

Yeah, here it is.

You know, if you stay awake until she leaves,

you'll break the world record

currently held by Choo Choo Rabinowitz.

How much longer do I have to stay up?

Oh, about 7 days, 14 hours and 20 minutes.

I don't think I can make it, Bubba.

How am I going to stay up that long?

It'll be easy, Fred.

I'll supervise the whole operation.

You will?

I can see it now. I'm gonna be immortal!

Look out, Choo Choo Rabinowitz, I'm gonna break that record.

What is all this talk about a record?

Oh, son, you see, I'm gonna break the record,

the world's record for staying up longer than anybody else.

Sure you are.

You just don't believe me

because you don't think

I can be nothing but a junkman.

Pop, you don't have to prove anything to me.

Think of how proud you're gonna be of me, son,

with my name right next to Hank Aaron,

Jesse Owens and Melvin Watson.

Who's Melvin Watson?

Oh, he went to Guido's Italian Grotto

and ate continuously for 314 hours.

May he rest in pizza.

Go ahead, Pop. Make a fool out of yourself. I don't care.

I'm not gonna make a fool of myself.

I'm just gonna show you

that I'm just as important as your future mother-in-law.

Would you do me a favor?

Please don't mess up

Mrs. Gordon's visit here to Los Angeles, okay?

Mrs. Gordon, indeed.

You know, maybe it's not such a great idea, Fred.

Listen, don't worry about him. He's just jealous.

Now, what do we do?

Well, first, I'll have to call

the Official Book of Records

and tell them to get their erasers ready.

Okay, well, I'll just make myself comfortable.

I mean, after I get comfortable, I don't need...

What are you doing, Bubba?

I'm not gonna let you relax.

That's the worst thing you can do is to get comfortable.

What you need to do

is to be around things that make you jumpy,

things that annoy you,

things that make your skin crawl.

Well, what are you waiting for? Call Esther.

Lamont, relax.

I can't, baby. I'm too nervous.

You've met my mother before.

I know. That's not the problem.

Your mother's never met Pop before.

I can't believe he's actually going through with this.

I mean, he's been up for four straight days.

I hope he's not under any kind of a strain.

No, well, I made sure.

I called up the doctor and had him come over and check Pop out.

What'd the doctor say?

Well, he said Pop's in good shape,

but he's in no condition to meet your mom.

I mean, he's irritable and cranky and grouchy.

This morning, he bit one of the neighbors.

I think you're exaggerating.

I also feel that everything is gonna be just fine.

Maybe you're right.

Pop is notorious for not finishing what he starts.

Oh, I know something that he finished,

and am I delighted.

Don't you start now, your mother's coming here.

Mm-hmmm.

There she is. Oh, there she is.

Hi, Mom. Hello, sweetheart.

How are you? Fine.

Hello, Lamont. Hello, Mrs. Gordon.

I'm so excited about this visit.

Oh, so are we.

You must really be looking forward to the conference, huh?

Oh, I am. It's quite a thrill.

And I'm also looking forward to meeting your father.

Uh, I just remembered: Pop can't meet anybody this week.

See, it's the height of the junk season.

And right now, rust is at a premium.

Lamont!

It's all right, dear.

I know how Lamont feels.

It's always hardest on the kids

when the future in-laws meet for the first time.

And I'm sure your father is as up for it as I am.

Oh, he's up for it, all right.

♪ Come on and hear Come on and hear ♪

♪ Alexander's Ragtime Band... ♪♪ Please, Bubba.

Shut up, shut up. You're driving me crazy.

Oh, come on, Fred, you know my singing keeps you awake.

Yeah, but you keep singing the same old tune over and over.

Sing something else, will you?

I only know one other tune, and I don't think you like that.

I don't care what it is, Bubba.

Just start singing it. All right.

♪ Rock-a-bye, baby ♪

♪ In the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind... ♪♪

Wake up, Fred! Oh, Bubba, please.

It felt so good. Let me try it again.

♪ Come on and hear, Come on and hear... ♪♪

No, not that one, Bubba, please.

Just let me take a little nap. Nobody will know.

It'll just be between me and my pillow.

You can't do that, Fred.

You have to break the record fair and square.

And besides, the man from the Official Book of Records

said he might drop by at any time.

You know, they check on you that way.

Here, I'll get you some more coffee.

Wait a minute, Bubba, no more coffee.

I've had so much coffee

you're beginning to look like Mrs. Olson.

All right, then it's time to bring in the second team.

Hi, Grandpa Fred.

Keep it up, Roger.

How's that, Fred?

Oh, it's no good, Bubba.

I'm fading fast.

Fear not, Fred. We still have our ace in the hole.

Esther's on her way.

There's our ace in the hole

who should have her face in a hole.

I was wondering what took the old groundhog so long.

Welcome to my castle, your ugliness.

Well, now you've met Pop.

How do you do?

Well, I must say

you have a unique way of answering the door.

He's not always like that.

No, you see, Pop hasn't slept in four days.

Oh, you poor man.

Do you suffer from insomnia?

Oh, no, let me explain. See...

Don't explain that now. Just hush.

You don't have to explain that.

Well, your father's right, Lamont.

No one needs to give me an explanation.

Now, that's what I like: a woman with class.

If no one's going to tell her, I will.

The reason why Mr. Sanford hasn't slept in four days

is because he's trying to break the official world record

for staying awake.

Why, that's wonderful!

It is, isn't it?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call...

I didn't mean to call you "your ugliness."

I mean, I thought you was my sister-in-law.

Oh, that's all right.

You know, I am impressed.

Well, it's quite an undertaking.

Yes, I'm doing it for my grandchildren.

See, I want them to remember me for something other than Lamont.

Well, I understand what you're trying to say,

and I think it's just beautiful.

Mr. Sanford, you're so thoughtful, Mmm.

So kind, so warm, so loving...

So off your duff!

I didn't write a paper on discipline for nothing,

so keep moving!

Left, right, left, right!

Left, right, left, right!

You can't put that five on top.

How would you like me to put this five on your bottom?

I was only trying to help.

Well, look, Roger, why don't you dribble that ball

on into the kitchen and get yourself some breakfast?

All right.

Aah!

I just came over to help you stay awake,

you old fish-eyed fool.

Well, that certainly was sweet of you, Esther,

just to deliver such a lovely message.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Reminded me of something from Western Union:

an ugly-gram.

Step back, please, I got company.

I'm coming. What do you expect? I've decided to run off?

How do you do?

I'm Walter Grayson from the Official Book of World Records.

Is this the Sanford residence?

Yes, it is. I'm Fred G. Sanford.

And the G is for "Grab yourself a seat."

Thank you, but I have a terribly pressing schedule.

You mean "skedule"?

We say "shedule."

Now, I've been informed

that you're attempting to break one of our records.

That is correct.

Which one are you after? Most debris in one room?

Well, how about that, Esther?

You in the book already.

Why don't you try for the lollipop record?

All-day sucker.

Listen, I'll soon... I'll soon be in your book

for staying up longer than anybody else.

Well, we'll see.

Forty-eight more hours is a long time

when you haven't slept for a week.

I'll wager your eyelids are feeling very heavy.

Oh, Lord have mercy! Fred, you all right?

Esther, yeah, I'm all right.

Take your hands off me!

I ain't had my tetanus shot yet.

I suppose you're one of the witnesses.

Yes, I'm Miss Esther Anderson.

Better known as "Dog Face Afternoon."

Look, never mind her.

You got your pencil warmed up?

Come on over here

and let me tell you a little bit about myself.

You may not believe it, but, like most celebrities,

I came from an humble beginning.

My family had the only log cabin in St. Louis.

And I suppose your schedule

called for you to walk five miles to school every day.

You mean "shool", don't you?

Mr. Sanford...

Listen, I walked five miles to "shool"

and then swam five miles.

Really, Mr. Sanford?

I remember it so well.

At the time, I was sharing a bed

with my youngest brother, Jerome.

Then I realized I could stay up night and day.

You mean even as a child you were an insomniac?

No, Jerome was a bed-wetter.

Well, I'll get all this down when and if it counts.

I just stopped by to make certain everything was in order.

Let me remind you that I could stop by again at any time.

Oh, I can assure you, sir,

that Mr. Bexley and I will see to it

that Mr. Sanford keeps the rules.

Mr. Bexley?

Oh, I almost forgot to introduce you to my friend here,

the genius that masterminded my climb to the top.

Eh, Bubba, wake up.

♪ Come on and hear Come on and hear ♪

♪ Alexander's Ragtime Band ♪

♪ Come on and hear Come on and hear ♪

♪ Alexander's Ragtime Band... ♪♪

I can't go through it, Bubba. I can't make it.

You can't quit now, Fred.

You only got one more day.

The Official Book of Records doesn't care for second place.

Now, suck in that gut, straighten that back,

and go out there and get this one for the Gipper.

You're right, coach.

I don't know what got into me.

Give me some coffee, Bubba. Okay.

Roger, go upstairs and get my radio.

Yeah, now you're working.

Way to go, Grandpa Fred.

Argh!

What are you doing sneaking around,

scaring people like that?

I was just coming over to help you stay awake!

And I'm glad I did.

Oh, I don't know what to do.

I just can't keep my eyes open.

Well, I'm going to have to do for you

like I do for my students.

What's that?

Start running in place!

And repeat after me... Huh?

I... I... will... will... not... not...

fall... fall... asleep! Asleep!

Again! Again!

Well, you only got six more minutes, Pop,

to break the record.

Oh, son, I... I can't make it. I know I can't.

♪ Come on and hear Come on and hear ♪

♪ Alexander's Ragtime Band ♪

♪ Come on and hear Come on and hear ♪

♪ It's the best band In the land ♪♪

And when I get back to Oakland,

all my friends are going to ask me about my visit,

and I'm gonna tell them

the highlight wasn't the teachers' conference,

it was meeting Fred Sanford!

And now the man of the hour,

I should say the man of the final hour,

well, really, the man of the last five minutes,

my pop, Fred Sanford.

Thank you, son.

And now that I have the record almost wrapped up,

I'd like to propose a toast.

Down the hatch, bottoms up,

l'chaim, good health and good night.

Speech, speech, speech, speech!

Where was I?

Oh, uh, I want to thank everyone here

that made this possible for me,

especially you, Bubba,

with your terrible singing,

and for you, Roger,

for dribbling that ball all the time,

and Choo Choo Rabinowitz for not staying up

any longer than she did.

There's the door. That must be Mr. Grayson.

Oh...

I'm coming.

Well, Mr. Sanford, I see you're still awake.

I was certain it was way past your bedtime.

Sorry to disappoint you,

but what you see is history in the making.

Oh, good. Uh, come in, Mr. Grayson.

Make yourself comfortable.

Uh, you know Bubba and my son Lamont.

Hello. Hello.

Let me take your briefcase.

Oh, thank you. That's okay.

Oh, isn't that lovely?

I've always been fascinated by signs.

Did you know that the record for the world's largest sign

is held by two ancient Chinese workmen?

Really? Yes.

They did it in 407 A.D.

and it stretched from one end of the Great Wall to the other.

And it read...

What does that mean?

"Wet paint."

However, that record is currently being challenged

by a gentleman from Cleo, Kansas,

who's attempting to body paint the entire King family.

Well, enough of that

about those who've already achieved immortality,

back to the business at hand, eh?

I must confess that when I first met your father, Mr. Sanford,

I didn't think that he was World Book material, no,

but he certainly fooled me.

Tell me, I wonder, what prompted him to go for the record?

- Well, you see, it all began... - No, no, Bubba.

Now, let Pop do his talking for himself, man.

Hey, Pop!

Oh, Pop!

Where'd he go? Hey, Fred, where are you?

If this is some sort of a practical joke,

I certainly don't appreciate it.

I have an appointment with a man

who has eaten nothing but prunes for the past two weeks.

I'm sure you can understand

I don't want to keep him waiting.

Well, he must be some place.

He must've stepped out for a minute.

Well, let's see, I came in, gave him my briefcase.

He went toward the couch,

put the briefcase on the table...

and fell asleep on the floor.

Oh, no, no, no.

Nice try.

I'm sorry, but Mr. Sanford missed the record by 43 seconds.

Oh, Fred, how could you do this

when we almost had it in the bag?

And just think,

I sang 3,249 choruses of "Alexander's Ragtime Band"

for nothing.

Roger, you can stop dribbling the basketball now.

I don't think I can.

I've been dribbling for five straight days.

Just a moment!

Do you mean to tell me that you actually sang 3,249 choruses

of "Alexander's Ragtime Band"?

That's right.

And you've been dribbling a basketball

for five straight days.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I have good news for you.

You have both just broken world records!

Congratulations.

Me and you. Me and you.

What about me? What about me?

What about me? What about me?

Uh, what about me?

Just repeat that another 27,000 times

and give me a call.

What about me? What about me? What about me? What about me?

What about me?

Where's your father? I haven't seen him for three days.

Yeah, well, that's because he's been sleeping

ever since Bubba and Roger

were inducted into the Book of World Records.

I have to give it to him, though.

He did one heck of a try. Yeah.

Well, I'm just glad it's over with,

and now Pop finally realizes

he doesn't have to break any silly record

to impress anybody.

What about me? Yeah.

What about me? What about me?

Hi, son. Hi, Janet.

Hi, Dad. Hey, Pop, how you feeling?

Oh, I feel pretty good, son.

I'll feel better after I come out of the shower.

I'll see you next week.

Next week?

Yeah, I'm breaking another record.

I won't be out of the bathroom for eight days.