Original subtitles

Hello.

Daddy's home. Did you miss me?

You pretty little green things.

Are you thirsty?

Well, lookie here.

Are you happy? Tickle-tick-tick-tick!

Oh... Ye... Ernie, you look droopy!

I'll cheer you up.

Have you heard this one?

There was a junkman, he had a garden in his junkyard

and he was raising corn and beans.

And guess what he got?

"Succotrash!"

Did you get it?

Got it.

Uh, hello, son.

I was just talking to my little friends here.

Well, why don't you ask your little friends

if they'll help you clean up this mess?

What is this?

This is my new hobby.

Making a mess is your hobby?

I thought it was your lifestyle.

Listen, son, this is soil.

I'm taking up gardening.

Since when?

Since I sold my stamp collection and spent my coin collection.

Hey, that sounds great, Pop.

Yeah. You see, it's this program called the "Galloping Geranium,"

and last week, this guy taught me how to grow

lettuce and tomatoes and radishes and stuff like that.

Hey, you know, that gives me an idea, Pop.

We've got a lot of room in the yard.

Why don't we plant our own vegetables?

You mean it?

Yeah! We could do it together.

It would be like a father-and-son hobby.

That's nice, Lamont.

I mean, I didn't know you were interested in gardening.

Why not?

Well, up to now,

the only thing you've grown is dumber and dumber.

We're doing fine, son.

Very fine. Be careful there, now.

Don't bruise my tomatoes.

This gardening is hard work, ain't it?

You know, you're unbelievable, Pop.

We're supposed to be doing this thing together, man.

We're supposed to be in the soil together.

Wasn't I right in there with you yesterday?

Only because you dozed off and fell into the squash.

But, son, see, at my age and in this hot sun,

I could have the big one any time.

Don't give me that, Pop.

For the last few days, I've been killing myself with this garden

and all you do is sit in that lounge chair and give me orders.

I'm the gardening expert. You're the gardener.

See? You're the Indian. I'm the chief.

Yeah. Sitting Bull.

I'm taking a break. I'm going in the house.

Well, listen, son, while you're going in there,

will you freshen this up for me?

I'll help.

One, two.

One, two, three.

One, two.

One, two, three.

That's great, Charo.

You know, you look better on television.

I'm Professor Leonard Miller, Cal Tech Poly, Phi Beta Kappa.

Well, I'm Fred Sanford,

Polly wanna cracker, I sell her junk-a.

Well, how do you do, sir?

You see, I'm a geologist,

and my specialty is rock formations.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe you can tell me how Gladys Knight found her Pips.

Er, no, Mr. Sanford. See, I'm a scientist.

I study the earth.

Well, how would you like to study the stars?

I don't think you understand, Mr. Sanford.

You see, now, this is 34 north latitude,

and 118 west longitude, right?

This is 9114 South Central.

This is a junkyard.

Now, can I help you with something?

No. But I think I can help you with something.

Now, I've been studying oil strikes

in the southern California area.

Look at this.

Now, the Baldwin Hills oil strike is here.

The La Brea Tar Pits are here

and the Santa Barbara strikes up here.

Now, if I connect these three lines and form a triangle,

and then bisect the hypotenuse,

the fourth line brings me right here.

Right here.

And you know what's under there, don't you?

Zucchini.

I planted it yesterday.

Ah, no, Mr. Sanford.

Oil.

Are you crazy?

If there was some oil under there, I'd have found it myself.

But my map has lead me right here.

That's understandable.

See, this is a junkyard and your map is a piece of junk.

But Mr. Sanford, I can prove my theory.

Hand me that shovel.

Oh, no, no, no.

You can't dig with this shovel.

Why not?

Because, A, this is not your shovel...

All right, I'll buy it.

And B, it's an antique.

What, that? Why, that's just an ordinary shovel.

No, no, no. Your eyes deceive you.

This priceless treasure

helped Hannibal cross the Alps.

How?

Did you ever march behind 200 elephants without a shovel?

Well, where did you get it?

A friend of mine, a scholar of that period, gave it to me.

Oh, well, well! What's his name? Perhaps I know him.

Oh, you wouldn't know him.

It's, uh, er, it's Professor, uh, J.C. Penny.

I don't believe I know him.

Well, my goodness,

how can you put a price tag on that?

Like this.

Fifteen dollars. I'll take it!

I'll sell it.

Hey, Pop, you know...

I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a customer.

Oh, that's all right, son.

I'd like you to meet Professor Leonard Miller.

What's happening? How do you do, sir?

Well, I guess I'll get back to the garden.

Would you hand me that shovel?

Oh, no, no!

You can't dig in the garden

with a priceless shovel like this.

Priceless? That old shovel...

Now, now, listen. Put that priceless shovel somewhere safe.

You be sure you come back here real soon.

Well... Well, what about the oil?

Uh, change it every 2000 miles.

And happy motoring.

You mind telling me what that was all about?

About 15 bucks.

That's what he paid for that old rusty shovel.

I guess there's a sucker born every minute.

Yeah, and that was an hour's worth.

Well, Pop, are you gonna help me with this garden, now?

Son, I did my part.

I got us a scarecrow.

Yeah, see...

This is guaranteed to scare away slugs and snails and birds.

You know, you've gone too far, now.

I don't want anything to do with this.

From now on, this is your garden.

Then step aside.

I now dedicate the first annual

Fred G. Sanford vegetable garden.

What did you do?

My thumb is greener than I thought it was.

I've struck prune juice!

Hey, Pop!

Pop! FRED: Coming right down.

Well, hurry up, man.

The guy from the oil company will be here any minute.

What are you trying to do?

Well, you see, son, it's all psychological.

See, these days, the Arabs control all the oil.

And if this guy thinks I'm an Arab,

he won't try to pull a fast one.

Well, you're the first Arab I've ever seen

whose caftan says, "Property of El Segundo Inn."

Well, don't worry, son.

He'll fall for it.

See, because I'm familiar with all of those Eastern culture.

See, we've got cousins in Philadelphia.

That doesn't count.

The man is gonna see right through you.

He will?

He's gonna know you're a fake.

You don't know the first thing about Arab culture.

Are you kidding?

Remember I used to date that belly dancer for six months?

Well, what did you learn?

Pop, this whole thing...

Would you stop that?

Pop, this whole thing is ridiculous.

Arabs don't even dress like that anymore.

Really, son?

The only Arabs that dress like that

are the ones that you see on television.

Now, take that off before you make fools out of us.

Well, I'm just trying to help.

Well, you should have never put it on in the first place.

Give me this.

I made it up out of some stuff I found.

I'll get it.

Good afternoon.

My name is Abdula Aram.

Hear that, son, El Fake-o.

I'm the Man from Glad.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I'm looking for Mr. Fred Sanford.

Hey, this guy is good, ain't he, son?

Even got the accent down pat.

I do not understand.

Oh, man, cut it out!

We know Arabs don't look like that no more.

And take off that fake beard.

I'm sorry. I didn't know it was real.

Of course it is real!

That is my very own hairs on my little chinny-chin-chin!

Why did you pull it?

B-because that's how Americans say hello.

It is?

This is a form of greeting I have never heard of.

Well, everybody does it.

Really? Uh-huh.

Good afternoon.

Oh, I will never get used to

your American customs.

I am having so much trouble with assimilation.

Well, you should eat more roughage.

Pop!

Oh, Mr. Aram, about the oil...

Yes. Yes. It will be ready in a moment.

The test is almost completed here.

Aha.

It is just as I thought!

This is crude.

Pure crude!

Listen, just because we live in Watts, don't insult our oil.

Oh, no, no, no! You misunderstand, Mr. Sanford.

In oil terminology, "crude" is good.

How good?

Er, how much?

Well, of course,

everything depends on the amount of the yield

but it could be worth, er, millions.

Millions?

Millions?

Millions?

Millions!

Millions, son!

Millions!

Millions!

Millions!

I am prepared to make you an offer

for the oil rights to your well.

I will be back tomorrow

with the assayers and with the necessary papers

and a blank check.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Aram.

Thank you very much. Not at all.

May the camel of your prosperity

always provide two humps for your comfort.

I can live with that.

Salaam alaikum.

Yeah, some a-like 'em hot, some a-like 'em cold.

Hey, Pop, I don't believe it, man. We're rich.

We're really rich, Pop.

It's not "Pop" anymore.

It's "father."

And to everyone else, it's Frederick.

Frederick G. Sanford.

And the G is for "Gusher."

Yoo-hoo! Rich dummy.

Very funny. Very funny.

Where have you been all day?

Son, what do rich people enjoy more than anything else?

Poor people.

No, Lamont.

Rich people always love to spend money all the time.

Then they get famous places named after them:

Rockefeller Center... Kennedy Center.

Uh, Carnegie Hall.

Monty Hall.

Why don't you haul yourself out of here?

Hey, show Lamont what you bought, Fred.

"Bought"? Pop, we haven't seen a penny of that money yet.

I hope you didn't go crazy

and go and buy something expensive.

Son, you only go around once in life,

and you ought to do it with gusto.

You bought beer?

No, son. Here.

Try this here.

$60 an ounce.

Hey, Pop, that stuff's against the law.

It's caviar.

Don't worry. Smell it.

Eugh! FRED: Huh?

That stuff smells terrible! What's it made out of?

Fish eggs.

Roe.

What?

Roe, dummy. Roe!

He will if you get the boat.

What?

Just a little boat, son.

Boat?

You bought a boat?

It's on lay away.

Pop, we can't afford a boat.

And besides, we live in central Los Angeles.

Where are we gonna keep it?

On the lake.

What lake?

The lake next to our summer home.

You bought a summer home?

Pop, look, you've got to forget about

buying all of this stuff, man.

Once we get some money,

then we can figure out what to do with it.

Does that mean I won't be behind the wheel

of a new Cadillac?

You promised Bubba a new Cadillac?

No, I was going to let him chauffer mine.

Oh, that must be Mr. Aram. I'll get it.

Good day, Mr. Sanford.

Good day, Mr. Aram.

Beautiful day, is it not?

Will be, when you hand over that check.

Uh-uh. Not so fast.

We must wait for the assayers.

What are they assaying?

I don't know. They are a-whispering.

That used to kill them down on the oasis!

How long is it going to take before we know?

Oh, not much longer.

Please, be patient, hey?

Ah!

Er, excuse me a moment.

I have to check something outside.

See, they're having a conference.

I wonder what it's about, Fred.

They probably have to wire Cairo for some more money.

Oh.

I don't like it, Pop. I'm getting nervous.

Hey, well, son, here.

Relax yourself. Here's a cigar.

Here, Bub.

Mr. Sanford.

Ah, have a cigar, Mr. Aram.

Oh, thank you very much.

May the smoke from your hookah always be sweet upon your lips.

I can live with that too.

Mmm.

I'm afraid I have some bad news,

Mr. Sanford.

You don't like my cigar?

No, the cigar is priceless.

It is your well that is worthless.

Worthless? Worthless?

Look, don't talk with your mouthful.

It sounded like you said worthless.

That is exactly what I said.

But you tested it yourself. You said it was pure crude.

Well, that was the first quart.

But we tried the rest. It proved out to be pure sludge.

This happens sometimes.

Oh, you said the well could be worth millions.

That was before it was assayed.

Yeah, but we shook on it.

In this country, when you shake, that means you've got a deal.

Alas, I am not familiar with the customs of your country.

Well, maybe I should introduce you

to the custom of the big five.

Believe me, I am sorry

that things did not work out.

May the palms of your oasis always drop dates in your arms.

And may the palms of my hand drop your teeth at my feet!

It sure is a shame, Fred.

All your dreams up in smoke.

Smoke. Smoke! Smoke!

Ahhhh!

Come on, Pop. Snap out of it, man.

It's not the end of the world, you know.

Oh, yeah? I'm the laughing stock of Watts.

You read the paper?

"Junkman's Crude Turns to Crud."

Well, I'd like to stay here

and console you, but I can't, Pop.

I've got to return

all that expensive stuff you bought.

Oh, hi, Professor Miller. Come on in.

I'm back! See you later, Pop.

Mr. Sanford, Mr. Sanford. Thank you so much.

You proved my theory was correct.

We struck oil!

You're wrong. We struck out.

That oil well is worthless.

Oh, well, not to me, Mr. Sanford.

You see, that's why I'm here.

I'd like to dig in your dead oil well.

I just think you're crazy. Ain't no oil in the oil well.

Nothing but some slippery zucchini.

Mr. Sanford, Mr. Sanford,

I might find something of scientific importance.

And you'd be doing

a great service to the university.

Mr. Sanford, do you realize

how expensive it is to do research?

Yeah.

Twenty dollars a day, in advance. You dig?

Yes. I dig.

Well, here's your $20.

And, now, all I find, I keep. You dig?

No, no. $20 a day, you dig.

$30 a day, you keep. You dig?

Well, in the name of higher education, I'll pay it.

And in the name of lower income, I'll take it.

Well, professor,

good luck and take all the time you want.

Well, thank you, sir.

♪ If I kiss you ♪

♪ On your two lips ♪

♪ Will you pardon me? ♪

♪ Come tip-toe ♪

♪ Through the tulips ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ Bee-bee dee-dee ♪

♪ Bee-bee ♪

Hello, darling.

♪ Tip-toe Through the window ♪♪

Did you take care of everything, son?

Did you talk to Professor Miller like I asked you, Pop?

He hasn't been by yet,

but when he comes by, I'll tell him to stop digging.

See that you do.

In the meantime, I'm gonna go out here to a swap meet

and see if I can't get this business back on its feet.

Mr. Sanford. Mr. Sanford!

You said my map was a piece of junk, but you were wrong!

We're famous!

Professor Miller,

didn't my father tell you that oil well was worthless?

Yes, yes, I know that.

But I found something in there when I was digging.

What? A bone.

A bone?

Well, you better get out of here before Lassie comes home.

No, Mr. Sanford. This was a human leg bone!

Well, I didn't do it! I didn't do it!

I swear I was at the movies that night

watching Godzilla Eats the Menudo Monster.

Mr. Sanford, this was a human leg bone!

And it was over 5000 years old!

See, there. I told you I was innocent.

I didn't get to California until 1936.

Pop, would you let him finish?

Mr. Sanford, I sold it this morning

to a museum for $10,000.

It was an original California caveman bone.

That wasn't no California caveman bone.

That was my bone. That was my hole, my bone and my money.

Oh, no, sir. We agreed it was mine.

But you'll be happy to know that I used the money

to set a up a research fund in both our names.

I think that's great, Professor Miller.

Well, don't you, Pop?

Look, I don't care what you're thinking,

there's nothing you can do about it.

Oh, no?

Out of my way.

What are you doing?

Unless that caveman

was a relative of Peg-Leg Bates,

there's another leg out there somewhere.

Hey, Pop?

Over here, son. Come here.

What are you doing sitting here in the dark?

Shhh.

What are you doing sitting here in the dark?

This is my new hobby, tropical fish.

See, that's Louise and that's Pete.

And we gonna make us a fortune.

By sitting in the dark watching them?

No, son.

See, we're gonna mate them.

And then... See, they're rare fish.

$7.50 a piece.

And soon as they have babies, we'll sell them.

Hey, you know, Pop,

I think you really got something here.

We just sit back and relax and the fish do all the work.

Yeah. Right.

Hey, you know how fast fish multiply.

We'll be rich in no time.

Hey, Pop, can I ask you something?

Huh? Why are we whispering?

Because I want everything to be just right.

Hey, put that record on, "Ebb Tide."

That drives them crazy.

And, you know, Pop, this is a great idea.

Yeah, and it's only a matter of time, see,

because they've been nuzzling all afternoon.

Well, let me ask you something.

How can you tell which is which?

Well, see, the female is the one with the headache.

And... See, well, look in this pamphlet

and then you'll find out about it.

Okay, let me see here.

It says here that,

"The male of the species is clearly identifiable

by a thin red stripe on the tail."

Pop.

Mmm?

I hate to be the one to tell you this,

but both of these fish are male.

You mean...?

Exactly.

Well, don't put on "Ebb Tide."

Put on "He's Funny That Way."