Original subtitles

This is Hawaii.

This is a palm tree.

And this is a coconut.

Last week, Fred and Lamont got here

because of these three crooks.

Now that you stoled all of these diamonds,

can we go home now?

Right.

Hey, did you check the airport?

Yep. Got cops all over the place.

We'll never get past them.

How about the cruise ships?

Same thing.

Look, what I reckon,

they're going to search us from head to toe.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

What this means,

we're going to have to find some real clean pigeon

to get them diamonds back into California for us.

This is a pigeon.

And the crooks hid the diamonds in his suitcase.

Some junk association.

I'll just resign, that's what I'll do.

Either I broke my glasses, or we in Zsa Zsa Gabor's old room.

Pop, you didn't bring your glasses.

These are the diamonds that everybody's been looking for.

Then by the process of elimination,

we in big trouble.

They're on their way home to return the diamonds

to Smitty and Hoppy.

Excuse, please.

Is this the flight to San Francisco?

Uh, no, sir. Next counter. Thank you.

Now, sir, checking these through to L.A.?

Not the black one.

You can't, sir. I'll check it for you.

No, wait a minute. Look. You can't...

Don't tell me what I can't...

Remember, they don't get off this island alive.

We'll be back in a minute

with the conclusion of "The Hawaiian Connection."

Hey!

Hey!

If you can lose that car that's following us,

there's a 20 in it for you.

Hey, could you drive a little faster?

Hey, cabby, we're new in town.

Do you know a good place to hide?

Just tell me where you want to go.

Are you familiar with El Segundo?

All right. Come on. Out!

You don't know where you wanna go, you'll get out here.

It's enough.

Listen, I'm reporting you to the Better Business Bureau.

Pop, would you stop arguing with the man? Let's get out of here.

What about my fare?

Is it fair to drop us in the middle of nowhere?

Listen, I got a cab here. There's a meter going, and I...

Hey! Hey!

Okay, we got 'em now. Let's go!

♪ One paddle, two paddle Three paddle ♪

♪ Four to take me home ♪

♪ Fourteen on the right Fourteen on the left ♪

♪ Take me to Hawaii nei ♪

♪ No ka best ♪

♪ Take me to my lover ♪

♪ My fair lover I left long ago ♪

♪ Seen enough sorrow To last a lifetime ♪

♪ I'm going away no more ♪

♪ Back to Hawaii shore ♪

♪ Singing ♪

♪ One paddle, paddle Two paddle ♪

♪ Four to take me home ♪

♪ Fourteen on the right Fourteen on the left ♪

♪ Take me to Hawaii nei ♪

♪ No ka best ♪

♪ Hawaii is the best ♪

♪ Better than the rest ♪

♪ Hawaii no ka best ♪♪

All right, everyone, all the grandfathers.

Let's have everybody on-stage.

All the grandfathers, it's your turn.

You a grandfather? Yeah.

Come on up.

♪ Roll out the barrel ♪

♪ We'll have a barrel of fun ♪

Everybody!

♪ Roll out the barrel ♪

♪ We've got the blues On the run ♪

♪ Sing to the rhythm ♪

♪ Sing out a song Of good cheer ♪

♪ Now's the time To roll out the barrel ♪

♪ For the gang's all here ♪♪

Give a nice hand for the grandpas, everybody.

Give the grandfathers here...

Thank this grandfather.

Yeah! We love your work.

Let's get the car and get after them

before they get out of sight.

Aloha! I'll take care of your car.

Thank you.

Yeah, sure. I know, I...

I love you too.

Yeah, but I-I don't... like you to call me here at the...

Uh... uh, hold on, darling. I got another call.

Ahem. Uh, chief here.

What? Lost! What? What do you mean? How did you...?

How could you lose him?

Huh?

You were with Don who?

Oh, Ho.

Yeah. Did you stay for the whole show?

Aw, that's too bad.

You might have got lucky,

got a chance to get up there with the other grandfathers

and learn how to do the hula-hula, huh?

Blong-blong-blong...

No, I agree with you. Some other time.

Say, listen,

Davis still thinks that Sanford's got the diamonds.

He's got them stashed away someplace.

And he's gonna find out where or kill him.

So go out there and find him.

Get them back.

Right.

Hello?

Oh! Y-yeah, but... Uh, all right. Tonight.

Out behind Coco Head, dear.

What now?

Now we head back to the airport.

They won't think of looking there.

Pop, are you sure you know where you're going?

Sure I know. I got a built-in compass in my nose.

Now we could use that compass in your nose.

How would you like a fist in your mouth?

Pop, what are we doing here?

They only got fish in this place.

Well, let's have a tuna sandwich.

We'll figure something out. Come on.

Okay. Let's go. Come on.

Hey! Aw!

Come on. Get out of there.

Hey, Pop, we're trapped here, man. They're going to get us.

Listen, son, don't worry.

If they find us, I'll tell them

you forced me to go along with you.

Thanks a lot, hero.

They gotta be here someplace.

Are you going to shoot them?

Oh, come on. Don't talk like that.

No, we're just going to find out where they hid the diamonds.

Oh, good.

Then we'll shoot them.

They've got to be here someplace.

Let's try the boat.

Anything moves, shoot.

You got it.

Don't move!

All right, get out of there.

You'll never take me alive.

You want to hear my speech for the panel discussion?

They're going to shoot you.

Gladys, would you kindly go feed yourself to the fishes?

Glad to see you, Mr. Smith.

Where are the diamonds?

Uh, Africa, mostly. See, I was reading in this book...

Listen, Brillo-face.

Now, you've got a million dollars worth of our diamonds.

And we want them.

We don't know where the diamonds are.

Somebody switched bags with us.

But you found them.

We found them. But we don't have the diamonds now.

You expect us to believe you?

Believe him.

He used to go to Sunday school.

Sometime we'll set aside a day

to listen to a dissertation on his religious background.

In the meantime, we want you to tell us: Where are the diamonds?

And then he's going to shoot you.

Look, we don't have the diamonds.

Maybe a couple of slugs in your toes

will jog your father's memory.

One of you had better start talking,

or else this kid here is going to get a .38-caliber pedicure.

You got a count of three.

My baby.

One.

Pop!

And you were such a great dancer.

Two. Oh, Pop.

Would you stand over there, son?

Freeze!

Give me that.

Get them out of here.

Come on, let's go. Move it.

Hey, thanks. He was just about to shoot.

We always show up at the last minute.

But may I say, that is our style.

Well, I say your style stinks.

You two have a couple of questions to answer too.

Why? We haven't done anything.

Haven't done anything!

Not returning stolen property.

Not paying for a taxi from the airport to the nightclub.

Skipping on an $8 cover charge at Don Ho's.

Doing a rotten hula. Stealing a car.

How's that for a start?

Well, how's this for a finish?

How's your mai tai, Freddy?

Not bad, chief. Good.

Uh, excuse me, chief, do you think we could go home now?

Aw, I guess so.

You straightened just about everything out.

Except, of course,

the whereabouts of a million dollar's worth of diamonds.

Well, we'll pay you back a dollar a week.

Yeah. Well, at least you helped us round up the crooks.

That's something, huh?

The diamonds... Ha! The way it goes sometimes, hey?

Are you going to stop looking for them now?

Oh, no, no. No, we never stop.

That's our motto here at Five-0.

What's the motto?

"We never stop."

Well, I guess we'll be going now.

Yeah, your flight to the mainland

leaves in about an hour.

So aloha and mahalo.

Yeah. Licky-licky, likey-likey-lukey.

Howdy doody. Aloha.

Yeah, right. Let me show you...

I'm going back to my little grass shack in Watts.

Yankee aloha... What?

Why, Mr. Sanford. What a nice surprise.

You didn't stay very long.

Oh, no, we had to cut it short.

Got to dash to Switzerland to make a deposit.

Well, you're in 5A and B.

Thank you. Let's go, Pop.

Well! If it isn't Wilbur and Orville.

Right.

Wilbur and Orville Wright. Good.

Good!

It wasn't all that bad, Pop.

At least we got to spend one day in the sun.

Maybe we'll go back again soon, son,

in first class, all the way.

You know, Pop,

Hawaii would be a fantastic place

to spend your honeymoon.

Yeah. Janet would love it.

The three of us would have a great time.

Would you like to take a look at the menu?

I'll get your order in just a minute.

Hey, Pop, before the food comes and the trays have to go down,

don't you think you should go wash up?

Am I dirty?

No, see, I don't mean that you're dirty...

Well, then, say what you mean.

Well, why don't you go to the bathroom now

so you won't disrupt everybody's meal?

Look, don't treat me like I'm a baby.

I'm old enough to know when I got to go

and when I don't have to go.

I'm not a baby. Okay. I'm sorry.

Well, then, out of the way. I got to tinkle.

Oh, it's you again.

Yeah, me again.

But at least I got an excuse.

How come you going home so soon?

I couldn't get a room,

all because of some dumb junk convention.

Junk convention?

You should have stayed on as one of the displays.

Listen, fuzz face,

you make one move toward that washroom door before me

and you get flushed into the Pacific.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah?

Ahem. I'll go later.

Are they here yet?

In a minute. They'll call when they're landing.

They weren't supposed to be back for a week.

I guess Fred missed me.

Yeah, that's right.

Unless he can insult somebody, he can't have a good time.

Aloha! We're here!

Oh, welcome home, Fred.

How come you're back so early, Fred?

Ah, it's a long story, Bubba.

You'll probably hear it on the news.

You got into some kind of trouble, didn't you?

Uh-uh. Not till I looked at you.

Hey, what happened, Pop?

Well, pull up a pineapple

and I'll make you a mai tai and tell you all about it.

You see...

And so I'm a national hero of Waikiki.

See, I captured the crooks

and I'm an honorary member of Hawaii Five-0.

Lamont helped too.

Hey, that's fantastic, Fred.

Especially the part where Don Ho didn't show up

and you did the whole show.

Yeah. Especially that part.

And when you fought the sharks to save Lamont!

That was wonderful.

Thanks, Jaws.

Hey, Pop, look, all this is cool, man,

but what really happened to the diamonds?

Well, they got turned into cameras.

Somebody's walking around with a suitcase with a false bottom.

Well, it can't be Esther, because hers is real.

Well, at least you saw Hawaii, man.

Yeah, and it didn't cost us anything.

Come in!

You are Mr. Fred G. Sanford?

That's me. Want to take a picture?

Get one of her. Save you a trip to the zoo.

Hey, Pop, that looks like our bag.

That's right. All right, thief, hand it over.

It was an accident.

I must have picked it up in Honolulu.

Your name was in it. So you must have mine.

That's right.

You have my cameras, and I need them.

And I have your underwear,

and you probably need them.

That's the bag, son.

You are very honest family.

Your bag was worthless.

Worthless? Are you kidding?

Hey, Bubba, why don't you go out in the blizzard

and freeze your brain and wait till they get a cure for it?

Here's your bag, sir.

Thank you. And sayonara.

And Sarah Vaughan.

Aloha.

A loafer.

Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Hold it.

Hold it! Hold it.

Put that down and sit down.

Man, they must be worth a fortune!

Just sit down and keep your hands where I can see them.

Now you can be a greater hero!

Returning the diamonds,

saving the insurance company all that money,

being a good person, being honest,

giving back most of these valuables

and the rest to my church.

Oh, glory!

Are you crazy?

Are you crazy?

I ain't giving nothing back.

What are you talking about, Pop?

I'm talking about first-class living.

Everything you always wanted. Money, mansions, motels.

Hi, everybody.

And a suite at San Quentin.

Say, what are you doing here? Where's Hoppy?

He moved over to Vice for a month or so.

I just came back to welcome you from the tropics

and to introduce you to my new partner.

This is Percy. Oh, how do you do?

Well!

Golly!

I hate to tell you this,

but I just found some diamonds,

should be where your underpants are.

How would you like a fist where your nose is?

Hey, those are some pretty nice souvenirs.

Those diamonds are real, Smitty.

Not only that, they're stolen.

No, they aren't. They're right there.

I'm going to call Hawaii Five-0.

Fred was just going to return them to the rightful owners.

Hey, wait a minute! I get it.

The Honolulu heist. And this is the loot.

You're a hero, Fred!

Wonderful, isn't it?

Yeah, maybe there's a reward, Fred.

Sure, the diamonds are worth a million.

They're bound to give us 10,000 or so.

That's right, commander, in a false compartment.

Right. Fine.

Well, we're going to turn them over

to Officer Smith here of the L.A.P.D.

Reward?

I told you, Bubba.

Well, hey! Thank you very much.

And aloha to you too.

How much?

He was a very happy man, Pop.

Who cares? How much?

He said to tell you you are a fine person.

How much?

He said that honesty is a rare thing nowadays.

How much, dummy?

Five hundred dollars.

Five hundred? Are they kidding?

It'll make a nice donation to the church, praise the Lord.

Yeah, look here, Pop, it's better than nothing, man.

I'll just take them along to the station.

I'm proud of you, Fred.

Here's some mail that was waiting outside.

See you later.

Yeah, and remember, a man's best friend is his dog.

A woman's best friend is her diamonds.

And a lot of women are dogs.

Those dirty, low-down thieving crooks!

What is it, Pop?

It's a bill for the plane tickets.

Five hundred and six dollars!

We got to pay for the plane fare.

Where we going to get the money? There's the $500 reward.

I know about the reward,

but where are we going to get the six bucks?