Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

Who is it?

It's Smiley Rogers.

Smiley Rogers, what are you doing here?

Coming.

Smiley.

Oh, yeah!

Where is it?

Right over here, Smiley.

Oh, I can't believe you found me one.

Yeah, there you go.

I picked it up for 10 bucks,

and I'll let you have it for what I paid for it.

Thanks a lot, Fred.

Pretty good, huh?

Oh, man, sounds perfect.

[HUMMING]

[HUMMING ALONG]

[SINGING "'TIS AUTUMN"]

♪ Old Father Time checked ♪

♪ So there'd be no doubt ♪

♪ To call on the north wind To come on out ♪

♪ Then cupped his hands So proudly to shout ♪

♪ La-di-dah, di-lah-di-dum 'Tis autumn ♪

♪ Trees say they're tired ♪

♪ They've born too much fruit ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ Charmed on the wayside There's no dispute ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ Now shedding leaves They don't give a hoot ♪

♪ La-di-dah, di-lah-di-dah 'Tis autumn ♪

♪ Then the birds got together ♪

♪ To chirp about the weather ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ And after makin' Their decision ♪

♪ In birdie-like precision ♪

♪ Turned about ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ And made a beeline To the south ♪

♪ My holding you close Really is no crime ♪

♪ Ask the birds and the trees And Old Father Time ♪

♪ It's just to help The mercury climb ♪

♪ La-di-dah, di-lah-di-dah 'Tis autumn ♪

What did you say?

I said,

♪ La-di-dah, di-lah-di-dah 'Tis autumn ♪

Just one more time.

No...

♪ La-di-dah, di-lah-di-dah 'Tis autumn ♪♪

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Yeah... Well, that was nice, man.

I'll see you around, Fred.

I had a good time today, man.

That was really nice singing that old song.

Incidentally, thanks for the temple.

Hey, just a moment.

We sang, reminisced, and had fun and all that stuff,

but the temple... This is $10.

Oh, yeah.

Well, can't I owe it to you?

Oh, no.

♪ La-di-dah, di-lah-di-dah 'Tis autumn ♪

♪ La-di-di, di-lah-di-dum 'Tis money ♪♪

[KNOCKING]

Who is it?

It's your sister.

Oh.

Hi, Fred. Frances.

Oh! Hi.

I don't remember that door ever being locked

during the day.

Well, that's the penalty for being the landlord.

Oh, my...

Are you having trouble with the residents

of the Sanford Arms?

Yeah, you know, you try to be nice and friendly

and treat people kindly...

They walk right over you.

Oh, what are they doing?

Well, when they moved in,

I told them if they ever had a problem,

my door was open.

Walk right in.

So when they have a problem, they walk right in.

You need a resident manager, you know,

someone who would take care

of all those problems.

Someone who would live in there and look after the place,

and someone who would live there rent free.

Rent free?

Mm-hmm.

Are you crazy?

Does Ford give away his cars?

No.

Does Levi give away his pants?

Does Sara Lee give away her buns?

Well, all right.

I finally picked a time when the vault was open.

What vault?

Getting in here is tougher than cracking Fort Knox.

Does something happen to be wrong here,

Mrs. Hopkins?

Yes, something happens to be wrong here, Mr. Sanford,

and here it is in alphabetical order.

Number one. Wait a minute, now.

You send that to our London office.

Oh, Fred.

See, the real estate branch of Sanford Arms

is located in London, Piccadilly Square.

That's our motto, "Piccadilly, starve a cold."

Oh, for God... Good day.

Well what exactly is wrong with your apartment,

Mrs. Hopkins?

Who are you?

I'm his sister.

I'm May Hopkins. How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

Oh, yes. Hoppy's mother... Yes.

And you're living next door, huh?

That is correct.

I'm living in the ghetto

with my black brothers and black sisters and...

red ants.

I told you... I told you before, no pets.

Oh...

Furthermore, I need a new window shade

for my bedroom.

What's wrong with the old window shade?

It will not roll up, Mr. Sanford.

Well that don't make no difference,

because there ain't nothing

outside the window for you to see,

and I'm sure anybody outside

don't want to look in.

Is that an insult?

Is a bullfrog waterproof?

Just get cracking on that list, Mr. Sanford.

I'd like to get cracking on you.

Well, I never!

I can believe that.

Oh, oh!

Fred, those sound like

reasonable complaints to me.

Listen, honey,

now don't be concerned with little things like that.

Now, by the way, how is your thing?

What thing?

You know, the thing you married.

His name is Rodney, and he's my husband.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, your husband thing.

How is he?

He's fine.

Is he still white? Oh, Frederick!

Hello, Aunt Frances.

Hello, sweetheart.

♪ La-di-di, di-lah-di-dum It's dummy ♪♪

Hey, Pop, you know, I just picked up a piano

for $20 down at Jimmy's Bar and Grill.

Twenty bucks. Hey, that's all right.

Good, look.

I want you to help me get it off the truck.

Uh, not now, son. May the 1st.

Why May 1st?

May 1st, that's opening day of the hernia festival.

Why don't you stop?

How's Rodney doing anyway, Aunt Frances?

Oh, not so well.

It must be tough for a performer to be out of work, huh?

It is, but he loves being in show business.

Well, he'd better not show his business around here.

Oh, Lamont, let me get you a cold glass of milk.

Now, wait a minute, Frances.

Now, if my son's exhausted,

if he wants something, I get it for him.

FRANCES: Okay.

Oh, gee, thanks, Pop.

I'll get it.

No, it's okay. I'll get it myself.

Hey, I'll get it, whatever it is.

You've got it, whatever it is.

My brother-in-law!

Don't come round to me.

Just let me... Just let me go.

Get off of me.

How are you doing, Rodney?

How do you feel?

I feel great.

Hey, hey, I feel like a tongue sandwich to go.

Ask me how I want it to go.

How do you want it to go?

Hey, Frances, you know what?

Huh?

You married Baskin and Robbins' newest flavor...

tutti nut.

That's funny. That's funny, Fred.

Hey, what do you want me to do with this luggage?

What luggage?

The luggage here. Didn't Frances tell you?

Oh, I was leading up to it, Fred. I was.

Leading up to what?

Well, today was my last check at the unemployment office,

and we're out of money,

so we have to move out at the end of the week,

so we're gonna move in with you, Fred,

until something comes up.

Well, you know you're in luck.

RODNEY: Really?

Yeah, something's coming up.

Uh, bend over, and I'll show you.

No, wait.

Wait a minute!

[GRUMBLING]

Fred!

Is that how you treat a brother?

A half-brother. Whoa!

Hi, Aunt Frances.

Hi.

Hey, Pop.

Hey, son. Did we fix the stove?

Yes, we fixed the stove.

It's amazing how I get so dirty,

you stay clean, and "we" fix everything thing.

Hey, did Rodney get back yet?

I want him to help me get that piano off the truck.

No, dear, he's not.

Do you know where he is? I have no idea.

He's probably somewhere where he's needed,

the El Segundo Institute of the Strange.

Fred, stop it. He's my husband.

That's the only reason why he's moving around

without pall bearers.

Will you please consider the idea?

Yes.

That's it, and the answer is still no.

Now, what's your idea, Aunt Frances?

I don't wanna hear it.

Well, don't listen.

Go ahead, I wanna hear it.

Rodney happens to be a decent handyman,

so I would like to suggest that you give us

the basement apartment

and make Rodney the manager of the Sanford Arms.

Mm-hmm.

Do what? Give you the basement?

That place is worth a fortune.

Hey, Pop, that sounds like a good idea to me.

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Fred, please.

[HUMMING]

Rodney needs it.

I mean, he needs to regain his self-respect,

and if it came from you...

I mean, if you asked him or begged him...

Begged?

Yes, pleaded with him. It would make him feel...

Pleaded?

Yes, it would make him feel that you needed his help,

and it would help him to feel like a man again.

Please, Fred.

Do it for me.

Listen, just stop crying, will you,

for crying out loud?

Hey, come on, Pop.

Why don't you be a little understanding, man?

I am being understanding.

I always be that way

just before I get ready to plead and need...

Oh, thank you, Fred. And beg.

I don't want that stuff on my face.

Well, I guess I'll go upstairs

and wash up for the work that "we did"

on Mrs. Hopkins' stove.

Hi.

Okay, Rodney.

Yes?

Uh, I'd like to beg something of you.

What is it?

Well, from a pleading point of view,

I mean, needing-wise,

how would you like to be the manager of Sanford Arms

and live there for nothing free?

Too far. Huh?

Oh, you've gone too far this time, Fred.

Sure, you want your sister to live in that dungeon

and do all your dirty work.

Probably for free, right?

Well, foul, foul, foul!

Foul, foul, foul.

I'll show you foul.

How'd you like me to shove a chicken up your nose?

Rodney, I don't think Fred is trying

to take advantage of us,

and we could use the apartment,

and it's free.

Free? Yeah.

Free? When did I ever want anything free before?

How much are you paying to live here now?

Nothing.

I wouldn't insult you by offering you money

for a place where your sister lives

that belongs to her brother.

I have class.

Well, meet me outside after class.

Say, you know, Rodney,

the apartment at the Sanford Arms

is not exactly free, man.

You'd be paying for it by managing the place.

Thank you, but you see,

I'm not a building manager, Lamont.

I'm an impresario.

An im-pro-who-rio?

I'm an impresario.

I'll have you know

that I just booked myself and my show

in that little movie house around the corner,

the one that's showing the Tyrone Power...

Oh, I think it's about the geek.

Well, they've gone back to a policy

of presenting vaudeville,

and I just booked myself and my show for a $100 a week.

Hey, Rodney, that's great, man.

Well, you know, it was just a one-week trial,

but the manager said if he likes me,

he'll hire me as the steady emcee,

and then I won't need

your apartment next door for free

and your room here for free.

So in other words,

if the show is a hit, you'll move out?

That's right.

Who you got?

Well, I come out and open the show

with some real socko jokes... [SIGHS]

And then I know this little old lady,

and she comes out

and does great dramatic readings from Shakespeare...

And listen to the finale.

For the finale,

I have this great opera singer,

and he sings an excerpt from The Chocolate Soldier.

I can see the two of you now,

the chocolate soldier and the vanilla Twinkie.

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

You got a better idea?

Yes, I got a better idea.

See, now, I know the people in this neighborhood,

and I know what they want.

Now, if the show is a hit,

you said that you'll move out of here tomorrow,

and then Frances will stop talking to me

about you managing over there at the Sanford Arms, right?

That's right, and you've got my word.

Your word? That's right.

A man's word is good enough for me.

I've always said that.

A man's word is his bond.

Oh, yeah.

Sign this here. Right here.

[DRUM ROLL]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight, instead of the Tyrone Power movie...

Where's the geek?

What geek? There's no geek tonight.

[AUDIENCE BOOS]

Oh, man, as I was saying,

tonight, we're starting our new policy

of bringing live performers and vaudeville

back to our stage, and to start things off,

here is your master of ceremonies

for the night.

Let's hear it with a big round of applause

for the fabulous Rodney Victor.

[SPARSE APPLAUSE, BAND PLAYS]

Thank you very much and good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.

Good evening, geek.

Geek? Knock it off.

Let's show a little respect in here,

or I'll throw you out.

He's a human being, the same as you and me.

Go ahead, honky.

Thank you very much,

but I don't mind insults from the public...

[PIANO PLAYS]

Because the public is what America's all about.

Boo.

[PIANO PLAYING STOPS]

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

Speaking of America,

I was reading about America in the newspapers today.

Hey, listen to this.

MAN: Cut to the death notices and read us your name.

That's good.

That's funny.

Isn't that wonderful, ladies and gentlemen,

speaking out freely like that?

[PIANO PLAYS AGAIN]

Because that's America...

And America is the people in the next act

that I'm about to introduce to you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the wonderful and the exciting

Fred G. Sanford and Smiley Rogers,

better known as Sanford and Song.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[PERFORMING "LULU'S BACK IN TOWN"]

♪ Gotta get My old tuxedo pressed ♪

♪ Gotta sew a button On my vest ♪

♪ Tonight I've got To look my best ♪

♪ Lulu's back in town ♪

♪ Gotta get a half a buck Somewhere ♪

♪ Shine my shoes Slick my hair ♪

♪ Gotta get myself A boutonniere ♪

♪ Lulu's back in town ♪

♪ You can tell all my pets ♪

♪ And all my Harlem coquettes ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Mr. Otis regrets That he won't be around ♪

♪ You can tell the mailman Not to call ♪

♪ I ain't coming home Until the fall ♪

♪ I might not get back Home at all ♪

♪ Lulu's back in town ♪

♪ La-da-da-da-uh-ha-ha ♪

♪ La-da-da-da-uh-ha-ha ♪

♪ La-da-da-da-uh-ha-ha ♪

♪ You can tell all my pets ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ And all my Harlem coquettes ♪

♪ Mr. Otis regrets That he won't be around ♪

Change key.

♪ You can tell the mailman Not to call ♪

♪ I ain't coming home Until the fall ♪

♪ Yeah, and I might not get Back home at all ♪

♪ Lulu's back in town ♪

♪ She came back, she came back ♪

♪ Looking good Like she should ♪

♪ She brought a 5'5" Good Grace, alive ♪

♪ A little bit here And a little bit there ♪

♪ Here a bit, there a bit Everywhere a little bit ♪

♪ Lulu is back in town ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING]

[BAND STOPS PLAYING]

Thank you very much, Sanford and Song.

And now we'd like to move right along,

ladies and gentlemen,

and I'd like to have you meet

my one and only wonderful nephew in the whole wide world.

I'm sure you've heard of him before,

tops in taps.

Here he is, Lamont Sanford from the junk place.

[BAND PLAYING]

[SHOES TAPPING]

[AUDIENCE WHISTLES]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

I just helped Aunt Frances move into her new apartment.

That's good, son. Yeah.

Hey, listen to this ad for the basement apartment.

Hey wait a minute, Pop.

That apartment is in no condition

to be rented out.

The pipes need fixing.

Oh, you crazy?

There ain't nothing wrong with them pipes.

All we need is a tenant in there,

because the mortgage payment is due day after tomorrow.

Hello?

Herald Examiner?

Let me speak to Herald.

Hello, Herald?

You remember me, don't you?

That's right, Fred G. Sanford.

Look, Herald, I got an ad I want to put in the paper,

and get it right this time, hear?

Now here it is:

For rent, luxurious two-room suite,

private entrance, wall to wall floors,

drapes, carpeting, and refrigerator...

Mr... Mr. Sanford, for heaven's sakes, come quickly.

The pipes have burst. The basement's flooded.

And a swimming pool... and a sunken tub

and fresh fish every day.

Yeah.

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

And the roof's gonna be flooded.

[♪♪♪]