Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

Ah.

Now, look confident, see?

Remember, the only way we're gonna get this money here

is for us to look like we don't need it.

Pop, as soon as they find out

we're the same Sanford and Son

from Sanford and Son,

they're going to know we need it.

I mean, we're not exactly the number-one business

in Los Angeles, you know.

Hey, how are you, Fred?

Hey, fine, Harvey. How's Hortense?

Hey, you know my son, Lamont.

Sure, Lamont. How you doing, Harvey?

Look, we'd like to talk to you,

but we got an appointment with Mr. Phillips,

we're a little late.

See, we're going to see him

regarding a conglomerate merger, and some deficit financing,

and corporate restructure.

Ah, broke again, huh, Fred?

Now, wait a second...

Yeah, you got it, Harvey.

Do I look broke?

You look like my brother, Al.

Your brother Al's dead!

And that looks like the suit he was buried in.

Come on, Pop. Let's go.

It was nice seeing you, Harvey.

Yeah, right, son.

Hey, listen here, Harvey. You stick around.

See, when we come back out here we're gonna need somebody

to protect us with all this money we're fixing to get.

Hey, let me explain something to you, Pop.

Now, you're not going to get this $1500

as fast as you think you are, you know.

When he hears why we want it, he'll be glad to give it up.

Then maybe you could give that suit up.

Ah, excuse me, please.

Ah, Fred G. Sanford to see Mr. Phillips.

Oh, Mr. Sanford, please sit down.

Thank you, but I'll just sit down.

And you are?

Lamont Sanford.

Yes, Lamont here,

he's Secretary-Treasurer of our conglomerate,

and chairman of my distributing chain,

and vice-emperor of our empire.

Oh, it's nice to meet the both of you.

I pass your empire every day on my way to work.

Miss Rhodes, please hold all the calls.

Yeah, listen here, and hold mine too.

Now, what can I do for you?

Not a thing.

It's what we can do for you, Mr. Magnesia.

Ah... that's Phillips.

Your business is to loan money, ain't it?

I mean... is it not? Yes.

Well, I'm here to help you stay in business.

We'll take $1500, and now where do I sign?

Oh, uh, maybe I can explain.

You see, we... we're thinking of... of an expansion program.

Yes, an expansion program.

Yeah, we want to take over

an existing piece of property...

Piece of Property.

And develop it to its full potential.

We're full of potential.

Oh, that sounds very interesting.

We knew you'd feel that way.

Where do I sign?

Oh, now wait a minute.

It's a little more complicated than that.

I'll... I'll need a little more information.

Okay, but let's speed it up, here, shall we?

I mean, you'll find

that our financial position is strong,

our physical earnings are up,

and our parking meter is running out.

Now, the nature of the $1500 loan?

Well, see, there's a house next us

that's just recently been vacated,

and we want to take it over.

Uh, buy it?

No. No, we want to rent it.

We feel that the money that we get

for the... for the rent would, you know,

give us a nice little income.

Oh, that... that sounds good.

Thank you. Where do I sign?

Now, um, how did you arrive at your $1500 figure?

I went to Vic Tanny.

Where did you arrive at your $15-looking face?

Mr. Sanford,

I can understand your impatience,

but I... I need to know why you want the $1500.

Well, first we gotta pay

the last month's and first month's rent,

and, you know, do a little plumbing,

a little advertising, and we wanted to get a sign.

Yeah, and then clean up the place,

because, see, the previous tenant

was a Puerto Rican named Julio

and... and it's gonna cost us a couple of hundred dollars

just to get rid of them chili stains.

Well, it seems feasible.

Well, fease it.

And, as you know,

we're anxious to help the small businessman.

Small businessman?

Well, I'm only 5'7".

I mean... here.

There's my signature.

Now, you put it anywhere you want to.

Now, just give me 1500 bucks.

Um, is this to be a personal loan?

No, no, no. Uh, this is, uh...

to be made out to... uh, to the empire.

Yeah, you see,

our... our tax man thought it would be to our advantage

if we took out a business loan, you know,

when it comes time to fill out income tax.

That's what Bubba said?

What collateral do you have? Huh?

Uh... you know. Stocks, bonds, property, gold, di...

Yeah, keep on going. Keep on going.

Uh, Mr. Sanford, I can't believe

that you've been in business all these years

and you have no collateral to put up?

Please believe it.

Mr. Sanford.

I got a sister-in-law named Esther.

Now, you can shove her up your vault

until I get the money to pay you back.

Look, I'm... I'm going to gamble with you.

Let's just fill out this form.

Thank you.

Hey, you're not going to be sorry.

Look, uh, excuse me for a minute.

I've got to go put some money in the parking meter.

Just knock on the door and the guard will let you in.

Hey, Pop, you got a nickel for the meter?

A nickel?

Uh, say, Maggie?

Uh, do you have change for a dollar?

I think so.

Well, let my son have a nickel

and make that loan out for $1500 and five cents.

Hey, Pop, try and answer the questions straight.

No fooling around, all right?

I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing.

You think I'm crazy?

Go ahead, man.

Um, age.

Upper 50s.

Exactly how upper?

Uh, 57.

Uh, teen.

Sixty-seven.

I'm sorry, gentlemen. We are closed.

Good. We make it a rule never to hold up an open bank.

Well, sir, you can come back and uh...

Uh, the withdrawal slips

are the pink ones on the right.

You don't have to announce us.

We'll introduce ourselves.

Can I do it, Al?

This is my first time,

and I want it to be special.

Sure, Mel. Go ahead.

Oh, what a guy.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[IN A LOUD VOICE] Hi, everyone.

This is an armed robbery and one of us is a known killer,

so stick 'em up, stick 'em up.

How was I, Al?

You did good, kid. Good.

All right, everybody, on the floor!

Come on! Go on around there.

Listen, now.

Remember, I was the first one here,

so hold out my 1500.

Come on, Mr. Ambassador.

You too. On the floor!

Listen... listen, pal,

just leave 1500 here,

because they got thousands of stuff here

over in the vault.

Just leave my 1500.

You men don't have a chance

to get out of here with this money.

We'll get out of here with all of it.

Listen, then. You'd better sit down,

because you'll have to fill out a lot of forms.

Hey, I don't want to hurt you, old man.

Old man?

Old man?

Listen, who are you calling an old man?

I... I... I'll be 103 Thursday night.

Look, why don't you guys just forget about this job?

I... I've pushed the alarm.

The police could be here any minute.

The police don't never get nowhere in a minute.

Hey, Melvin.

You, empty out the drawers, and you, open that vault.

That's impossible.

Listen, dummy, open that vault.

Open up that vault. Why risk your life?

Don't risk your life.

Give them what they want... Less my 1500.

[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]

Al, there's somebody at the door.

LAMONT: Hey, Harvey, it's me.

Who's me?

Go away, me.

Come on, open it up. Open it up.

And if there's any trouble, we shoot.

Oh, please, let it be Esther.

How come it took you so...

What's going on in here?

What do you think is going on? It's a bank robbery, dummy.

And we're the bank robbers.

I'm Melvin Herman, and this is Al...

Shut up!

Robinson.

Melvin Herman?

Oh, my gosh.

Lamont. Lamont Sanford!

Melvin Herman,

the cheerleader from junior high school?

Well, I used to be a cheerleader,

but now I'm a bank robber.

Give me a B, give me an A,

give me an N, give me a K,

give me all your money, I'll say "Hip-hip hooray"!

[GUN FIRES]

That was you!

Oh.

Now, okay, pal, on the floor.

Yeah, on the floor. On the floor. On the floor.

[SIRENS WAILING]

See? I told you they'd be here.

All right, everybody, over here.

Come on. Move it!

First cop through that door, this thing goes off.

What about my loan?

You've got bigger problems now.

POLICE OFFICER: You in there.

Come out with your hands up.

You make one move and these seven hostages get it!

These six hostages get it.

How much did we get?

Do I have to tell you?

How much?

A hundred and six dollars.

What?

And 57 cents. That's impossible.

No, it's not.

Look at the neighborhood.

There's also about a dozen toasters back there.

Oh, no. That's for new accounts.

Hey, listen, why don't you guys open up a new account,

take your toaster, and get the hell on out of here?

Okay, you. Where's the money?

Well, most of it's in the safe, can't be opened till tomorrow.

Wait a minute.

I can't stay here until tomorrow morning.

I got business to take care of.

I got deals to make,

I've got mergers to complete,

I've got a suit to return.

POLICE: There's no way for you to get out of there.

Come out with your hands up.

What are we gonna do, Al?

Quiet, I'm thinking.

Hey, Melvin... Quiet. He's thinking.

POLICE: You've got two minutes.

Hey, Melvin, there's no way

you're gonna get out of this, man.

Why don't you give yourself up

and they might go easy on you in court?

Lamont was always the smart one in class.

Yeah? Well, why didn't he graduate?

May I offer a suggestion?

Be quiet!

Listen, man, why don't you just try to figure out

how am I going to get my money

after they take all this stuff out of here.

Hey, Pop, would you forget about the loan?

We got other problems. Forget about the loan?

Son, life goes on even if they steal all the money.

Life goes on

even if they shoot their way out of here.

Life goes on... Even if they shoot you?

No, then life... life stays and I go on.

Knock it off, huh? Knock it off.

Now, for the last time, I'm telling you,

everybody, on the floor!

And for the first time, I'm telling you,

my back and my legs don't do that kind of stuff.

Okay, listen, pal,

Now, I'm... I'm giving you your final warning.

Now, this whole thing

is starting to get me a little jittery.

Now, you got one more chance

to get out of here unharmed...

If you cooperate.

Understand? Cooperate! I'm cooperating.

Everybody, get on the floor. I ain't gonna tell you again.

On the floor!

AL: We want to talk.

He wants to talk!

POLICE: We've got nothing to say.

They've got nothing to say.

Yeah, I heard them.

I'm just cooperating.

You got nothing to say, huh?

Well, let me help you out.

Uh, how about, uh...

"Isn't it a shame that all those hostages got shot?"

POLICE: All right.

Come out and we'll talk.

Uh-uh. No, no, no.

You send a cop in, and I'll tell him what we want.

Make sure he's unarmed,

and just to make sure he's not carrying anything,

have him strip to his shorts.

Gosh. He'll catch his death.

You promised we weren't going to be cruel.

You just can't get good help these days.

It's impossible.

Well, do I get a cop or not?

POLICE: Okay. He's coming in.

[KNOCKING]

Officer Hopkins here for the peace talks.

Before we begin all of this negotiating,

I have got to know the condition of the people

you're going to kill.

Hey, we're all fine, Hoppy.

Well, I think I would prefer

a professional medical opinion on that.

Mr. Sanford? How's your heart?

Well, if my heart goes,

I can always borrow one off your underwear.

Are you really a cop?

Yes, I am a cop,

and I wear my uniform with unmitigated pride.

Uh, that is, when I'm wearing the...

And you, what about you?

You are the... the head crook, I presume.

Is that correct?

Yes, you are correct,

and this is what we want...

Well, okay. Shoot... I mean, uh, go ahead.

A car outside that door.

Car outside... door.

All you cops gone.

Cops will be gone.

And a plane at the airport.

And a pla... plane where?

At the airport.

Yeah, the airport. Yeah.

Plane at the airport.

Now, how about the hostages?

What about them?

Well, they will have to be released

before we can acquiesce to any of these demands.

No deal.

You can't get them all in the car.

I get carsick.

Would you rather be shot?

Oh, I'll share the driving and chip in on the gas.

Now, uh, about these hostages that appear to be doomed...

All right.

We'll keep one.

If you need a volunteer, I'll stay.

You've got a brave son there, Mr. Sanford.

I know it, and I'm proud of him.

Yeah. Thanks a lot, Pop.

I hope you realize that your chances of survival

with this mad-dog killer are quite slim.

However, you will be remembered

as the man with the big heart.

And the big mouth. Yes.

Well, I will relay all of these requests

to my superiors.

And no tricks.

Well, I, uh, have nothing up my sleeve,

because I...

I'll just, uh, go and tell them.

Gee, Lamont, you're so strong and heroic.

I wish I had got to know you better in Algebra.

I might be whatever you are.

Whatever are you?

A junk man.

Maybe Algebra isn't all that important.

Hey, look. I'm not heroic or anything.

I just don't want anybody to get hurt, you know?

POLICE: You in there, Officer Hopkins

has given us your demands, and we agree

if you let everyone out safely.

They're on their way.

Come on. Everybody, out.

Lamont, son,

you're the best son a father could hope for,

but I don't want you sacrificing your life for me.

I mean, you're young.

You're young, and you've got your whole life ahead of you.

I'll be the hostage and you go.

He is going.

You're staying.

But he volunteered.

Look, I'm running this robbery,

and, you see,

they wouldn't take a chance with an old man in here.

Come on. Get going.

Hey, now. That's good. Now everybody's gone.

Now, go crack that safe and get my 1500,

and y'all can keep the rest.

Get that car and get out of here!

Wait a minute.

What do you intend on doing with me?

Oh, you're coming in the car with us. Then?

Well, you'll be our protection all the way to the airport.

And then?

Then you'll get in the plane with us.

And then?

Then we'll throw you out.

Oh...

Here it is! The whopper! The whopper!

It's the biggest one of all times, honey.

Oh, open up the big vault in the sky, Elizabeth.

I'm about to make a deposit.

Me, honey.

Did we scare him too much?

Yeah, he looks bad.

It's here, Elizabeth. I'm coming, honey.

Meet me at the gates.

I'll be the one with no money.

He looks ready to cash in.

Hey, you promised me there'd be no trouble.

And I promised my wife.

She knew it'd be this awful, she'd have put a ky-bosh on it.

A ky-bosh?

Hey, quiet. I'm thinking.

Oh!

Quiet. He's thinking.

Oh.

Hey, if he dies, this could be a murder rap.

LAMONT: Hey, Al, I forgot to tell you,

my father's got a heart condition.

Well, if he don't want a hole-in-the-head condition,

you'd better get away from there.

Do what he says, Lamont.

He's vicious.

I've seen him eat kidneys.

Get going.

POLICE: We're leaving your car.

I'm halfway there, Elizabeth.

Oh, hello, cloud.

AL: Hey... hey. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Hey, the old man is dying in here.

Send in some help.

But no policemen. Just doctors.

Hey. Hi, I'm Freddy. Are you Gabriel?

Hurry up! Hey, oh...

Hey, yo... you'll be all right.

Hey, we're not killers.

We're just trying to make a living.

And I'm just a little guy trying to make a dying.

Oh... Hey.

Doctors with a stretcher.

Hurry up, before he dies.

DOCTOR: We'll need some help.

I'll help. DOCTOR: You too.

Hands up.

Over against the counter. Let's go.

What about me?

Your son said you're okay.

That dummy. Who... wha... wha...

What if I was dying?

Everything's under control.

Hey, Pop. Are you okay? No, I'm not okay.

Suppose I was having a real big one

and I was going.

You wasn't going nowhere until you got the money

from that loan and you know it.

Hey, wait a minute. Reward.

Claim the reward.

Is... Is there a reward for these dudes?

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Sanford. There's nothing.

You know, I hate you. You know that?

But I'll take into consideration

your bravery when I process your application.

You're nice.

Ah, there you are, safe and sound.

Yeah. I could have been dead and gone.

Oh, never fear, Mr. Sanford.

The law is here.

Oh, and by the way...

Lamont, here's a citation.

Overtime parking on the truck.

How would you like an overdue punch in your nose?

Ah, we'll take care of that ticket, Mr. Sanford.

Oh yeah. You... you...

You know, you've turned out to be all right.

And let us know about the loan.

Oh, you'll get your loan.

Really? I mean, that's great.

Really, you'll give us the loan?

That means we're going to be able

to open up the Sanford Arms.

Hey, that's great. That's great, Pop.

Bye, Lamont.

I'm sorry it turned out this way, Melvin.

Oh, that's okay.

You know, I... I really envy you, Lamont.

You have something I never had...

a really wonderful, marvelous father.

If I'd a father like him,

why, I might have turned out to be a better human being.

It's been an honor, sir.

[SNIFFLES]

You know, I really liked him.

Why couldn't you be more like that, dummy?

You say this is going to be live?

That's correct.

Ah, good afternoon.

Don Martinson here,

reporting from the State Federal Bank in Watts.

Now, the gentleman standing next to me

is Mr. Fred Sanford.

Ah, G.

G? G. Fred G. Sanford.

Oh, um, sorry. Mr. Fred G. Sanford.

Ah, Mr. Sanford successfully thwarted

an attempt at bank robbing this afternoon

at this very bank.

Mr. Sanford, what you did took a lot of courage.

Courage.

Daring. Daring.

Guts. Guts.

Brains. Brains.

♪ And a little shifafa On the side ♪

Now, Mr. Sanford...

Mr. Sanford, excuse me. I'm sure...

I'm sure that our viewers would like to know

why you did this.

Why would you risk your life for this bank?

Well, the answer to that is very simple.

See, I risked my life because this bank

is an important part of our community.

Right, Mr. Phillips?

Yes, sir! And because it helps people like me.

That's right. I see.

I'm not finished yet.

And this bank was good to me.

You see, I came in here for a loan,

and they granted it.

That's right.

I risked my life

because I felt I owed them something

for loaning me $1800.

That's right.

He said that's right.

You heard him, America.

Eighteen hundred bucks.

Do you want to know why we need the $1800?

No, not really.

Here.

Hello, America.

This is my son, Lamont.

We're the owners of the new Sanford Arms.

Every wall has a ceiling.

Every bed with a spread.

Drop in soon, we'll rent you a room.

Yeah, I'd just like to say...

Thank you, sir,

for that unsolicited testimonial.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Excuse me, Mr. Sanford,

we're running out of time,

but before we sign off,

I'm sure that the millions and millions of viewers

would like very much to know

if perhaps you'd give them one inspirational thought

since you are the hero of the hour.

How about that, Mr. Sanford?

Millions of viewers? Millions.

Well, only because you insisted.

♪ And would I be sure That this is love ♪

♪ Beyond compare ♪

♪ Would all this be sure... ♪♪

Look at this check, son.

$1800. Yeah.

Tomorrow, we'll deposit it.

Why you don't want to put this in our account today?

Well, see, this way,

it's a new account and we can get a toaster.

Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.

I'll deposit it first thing in the morning,

and then we can start working Julio's place.

Then we gotta give our place a little class.

We need some class.

Yeah, see,

because all them fancy hotels, they have their own emblem.

And we should have an emblem?

I can see it now.

All the sheets and pillow cases,

the towels,

the silverware of the Sanford Arms

will have beautiful emblems on them.

Oh yeah. "S.A."

"S.A." That's class.

Yeah, that's classy.

Say, son, drive me down to the bus station.

Where are you going?

New Mexico.

Yeah, I feel this sudden urge to spend some time

at the Sheraton Albuquerque.

[♪♪♪]