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1
00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:05,770
[♪♪♪]
2
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:10,780
Well, let's see how
we did this week.
3
00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:13,917
Got $10.50 for the lamp.
4
00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:19,389
Paid $4.98 for it, less
75 cents for the bulb,
5
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,824
7 percent tax...
6
00:01:21,848 --> 00:01:29,066
Total profit on the
lamp... $36,386.54?
7
00:01:29,090 --> 00:01:33,103
Total loss on the
computer... $3.95.
8
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:34,104
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
9
00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:35,128
Come in.
10
00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,361
What's the matter, Aunt Esther?
11
00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:53,245
Lamont, pour me a shot of booze.
12
00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:56,159
A shot of what?
13
00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:59,596
Just an ounce of
alcohol, please.
14
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,164
What's the matter, Aunt Esther?
15
00:02:01,188 --> 00:02:04,334
I mean, I've never
seen you drink before.
16
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:05,635
Lamont, hurry up.
17
00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:07,837
Hurry up, please. Hurry up.
18
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,341
All right. Here you go.
19
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:17,614
[SPITS, COUGHS]
20
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:22,719
This stuff is bad, really bad...
21
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,643
but not as bad as I thought.
22
00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:29,692
Okay, now, is there
something wrong?
23
00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:31,328
You wanna tell me
what's the matter?
24
00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:33,563
Lamont, that man...
25
00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:37,501
That man is the most
miserable, low-down,
26
00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:39,969
sneak-sliding, snake
sinner I've ever seen.
27
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,273
Shh!
28
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:43,740
Keep your voice
down, Aunt Esther.
29
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:44,874
He's upstairs sleeping.
30
00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:49,146
I ain't talking
about your father.
31
00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:51,948
I'm talking about my
soon-to-be ex-husband.
32
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:54,317
Oh, you and Woody had a fight?
33
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:57,387
Drinking and
smoking ain't so bad,
34
00:02:57,411 --> 00:03:00,323
but the way he looks at
other women is disgusting.
35
00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:03,793
Oh, come on, Aunt
Esther, it can't be that bad.
36
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:04,794
Oh, no?
37
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:07,096
When he walks down the street,
38
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,731
I have to put a bib on him
39
00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:11,122
to keep him from
drooling all over himself.
40
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,179
Why does he wanna
look at other women?
41
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,980
Oh, Aunt Esther, look,
now, I know you're upset,
42
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,482
but, look, I tell you what...
43
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:28,251
Look, everything is
gonna be okay, all right?
44
00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:30,453
Now, we'll go for a
walk, and we'll talk it over,
45
00:03:30,477 --> 00:03:32,755
and you'll feel a
lot better, you'll see.
46
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:36,059
Lamont, you a fine
young man... Yeah.
47
00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:38,094
But I feel so sorry
for your father.
48
00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:39,962
You feel sorry for my father?
49
00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:41,565
Why are you feeling
sorry for my father?
50
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:46,236
Because even though I've
never had a drop of alcohol
51
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,071
in my life,
52
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:50,829
I know cheap
liquor when I taste it.
53
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:11,728
Hey, Lamont. Lamont!
54
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,062
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
55
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,564
Come on in.
56
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,132
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
57
00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:18,935
I said, come on in, didn't I?
What do you want me to do?
58
00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:21,571
Come on in... Lay
a carpet out for you?
59
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,172
Fred.
60
00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:24,541
Hey, Woody.
61
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:26,509
Gee, you're just in
time for breakfast.
62
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:27,533
Good.
63
00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:31,214
Say, how do you like your eggs?
64
00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:33,805
I'll just have some juice.
65
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:40,657
Well, you know...
66
00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:44,527
I-I think I've lost
the will to live.
67
00:04:44,551 --> 00:04:46,451
Well, you ain't lost
your will to drink...
68
00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:49,999
Why are you so upset?
69
00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:51,601
Well, Esther and
I just had the fight
70
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:52,669
to end all fights.
71
00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:54,671
Well, did you punch
her in the face?
72
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:56,706
No.
73
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:59,342
Well, you want
me to do it for you?
74
00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:01,911
You know, Fred,
75
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:04,013
I think Esther
and I are through.
76
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,282
Wait a minute, now... "Through."
77
00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:06,683
That's too much, now.
That's serious business.
78
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:07,884
Yeah, well, I know it's serious,
79
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:09,952
but I've had enough.
80
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:13,723
Look, 30 years, 30
years of marriage,
81
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,091
and you know, your marriage vows
82
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,493
are awful strict.
83
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:18,895
You know, through
sickness and through health,
84
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:22,131
and for better or worse,
and the main thing
85
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,834
is until death do us part.
86
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,436
You know what I
think of that? What?
87
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:27,492
Kill her.
88
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:35,412
You know the one thing
that really drives me crazy?
89
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:36,413
Hmm?
90
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,381
The way Esther always accuses me
91
00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:40,983
of running around
with other women.
92
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,919
Well, do you? No!
93
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:46,088
Want me to do it for you?
94
00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:47,324
Now, look, Fred,
95
00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:49,292
I-I really want to make
my marriage work,
96
00:05:49,316 --> 00:05:50,760
but I need your help.
97
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:51,928
Well, I don't know.
98
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:54,230
Now, please, Fred, I'm
asking you as a friend.
99
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:55,465
Okay, then.
100
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:59,168
Well, now, here's what
to do... Fool around.
101
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,337
What?
102
00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:01,671
I mean, not fool around,
103
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,072
real fool around...
104
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:06,142
Just fool around to
make Esther jealous,
105
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:08,578
and then that'll make
you appealing to her,
106
00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:09,979
and she'll want you back.
107
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:11,981
I can see the two of
you back together now,
108
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,972
appealing and appalling.
109
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,454
B-but that's no
good, Fred, you see.
110
00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:19,756
I don't know any girls.
111
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:21,123
You don't? No.
112
00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:22,925
Well, leave that
to Ready Freddie.
113
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:26,162
Let me... Let me get
my black book out.
114
00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:27,630
Hey, you got a
little black book?
115
00:06:27,654 --> 00:06:30,014
You better bet I
got a black book.
116
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:33,936
Fred, you're something else.
117
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,072
Yeah, I'm something
else, all right.
118
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,907
Listen here. How
do you like that?
119
00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:42,245
Now, in here is 15
years of the biggest hits,
120
00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:44,280
including some oldies
and some goodies.
121
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:45,382
[LAUGHS]
122
00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:47,517
Wow, it sure is huge.
123
00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:48,985
You sure know a lot of women.
124
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:50,987
No, it ain't that huge,
you know what I mean?
125
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:52,589
It's just I don't know
too many women,
126
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:53,990
but I just 'em lined up here
127
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,892
and listed three different ways.
128
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,527
See, in alphabetical order,
129
00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,328
then I got them in
sizes, and then...
130
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:02,821
according to their most
recent performance.
131
00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:08,037
Oh, no, it's no use, Fred.
132
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,072
I'll never be a Romeo like you.
133
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,374
Well, that's true,
134
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:13,777
and you can say that as
many times as you want to.
135
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:16,846
Hey, look here. I think I
met a girl the other day,
136
00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:18,247
be perfect for you. Oh, really?
137
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,283
Yeah, see, I met her
in the supermarket.
138
00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:22,218
See, I was buying
corn... Mm-hmm.
139
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,220
And she was buying
some lima beans,
140
00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:25,588
and we bumped into each other,
141
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:28,346
and immediately, suc-co-tash!
142
00:07:30,517 --> 00:07:32,061
See, I got it right here.
143
00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:33,630
Here she is, right here.
144
00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:35,632
Laverne Gomez.
145
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,233
She's part French
and part Indian
146
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:38,435
and Spanish,
147
00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:40,036
and I'll leave the
best part for you.
148
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,238
I got her phone number.
I'll call her for you now.
149
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:43,239
Well, I don't know, Fred.
150
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:44,474
Maybe I'm... Maybe I'm acting
151
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:45,742
a little hasty, you know?
152
00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:47,376
Maybe Esther isn't all that bad.
153
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,680
Yes, she is.
154
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:54,083
She's bad, Woody.
I'll tell you the truth.
155
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:57,086
When Esther was a little
girl, a guy drove up beside her
156
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:59,678
and offered her some
suckers to get under his car.
157
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:05,995
Hey, Fred, now,
Esther is still my wife.
158
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:09,065
Well, you have my
sympathy on that.
159
00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:10,867
I'll just go ahead
and call the girl here.
160
00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:13,436
Well, all right, b-but what
am I gonna say to her?
161
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:15,438
Well, I mean, you
know what to say to her.
162
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:16,940
Just be natural.
That's the main thing.
163
00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:18,575
See, the trick
is for these girls
164
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:21,945
is just to relax,
be normal, relax.
165
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,179
Here it is, right here.
166
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,414
See, and don't try
to put on no airs.
167
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:26,583
Just be calm. Okay.
168
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:30,286
[REGALLY] Hello there.
169
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:32,210
Yes, this is Baron de Sanford.
170
00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:35,224
Hey, listen,
171
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:37,861
I was just recently
describing you
172
00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:40,262
to a very debonair
friend of mine,
173
00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:42,198
and according to his actions,
174
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:45,702
I'm sure he got the hot to trot.
175
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:46,970
Here he is.
176
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,771
Now, go ahead and
make a date with her,
177
00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,573
and I'll go fix us
a pot of coffee.
178
00:08:50,597 --> 00:08:51,608
Okay.
179
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:53,643
Uh, hello?
180
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,979
La-Verne?
181
00:08:56,003 --> 00:09:00,282
Yes, Le-Woody here.
182
00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:03,686
Yes, I'm fine, thank you.
183
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:06,322
I would love to meet you too.
184
00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:08,024
Yeah.
185
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,859
You feel any
better, Aunt Esther?
186
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,995
Oh, I think so.
187
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:13,997
You know, maybe Woody
and I can work something out.
188
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,698
He's not such a bad man.
189
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,099
You know, I'm sure
everything is gonna
190
00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:18,467
be just fine, Aunt Esther.
191
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:20,870
Look, let's go in, and I'll
get the keys to the truck
192
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,471
and drive you home,
all right? All right.
193
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:24,776
See, you feel better
already. I feel much...
194
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:26,676
You know, that's really funny.
195
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:29,445
You know, you have a
great sense of humor.
196
00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:32,849
Say, listen, why don't
you drop by sometime?
197
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,050
Hello, Woodrow, darling.
198
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,841
And fix the leak
under the kitchen sink.
199
00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:44,427
Woodrow. Hmm?
200
00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:47,997
Would you please forgive
me? It was all my fault.
201
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:49,699
Well, just forget it, Esther.
202
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:52,401
Maybe we can try again, huh?
203
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,837
Well, if you'll cut down
on drinking and smoking,
204
00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:56,272
I promise I won't be jealous
205
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:57,273
of you and other women.
206
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,676
And find me appealing?
207
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:03,012
Well, it might be
pretty hard, but sure.
208
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,803
Okay.
209
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,418
Oh, hey, now, that's
what I like to see.
210
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,419
That's... That's beautiful.
211
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,255
Well, here you are, Woody.
212
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:14,657
Hey, Esther, what
are you doing here?
213
00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:17,026
What do you mean,
what am I doing here?
214
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,861
Well, wolf women
don't usually come out
215
00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:20,719
until there's a full moon.
216
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:25,034
Hey, Pop, why don't
you dig yourself, man.
217
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,836
Can't you see that Uncle
Woody and Aunt Esther
218
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:27,837
are back together again?
219
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:29,005
Yeah. Oh, oh...
220
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,206
Well, then you won't be wanting
221
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:31,273
this coffee, Woody.
222
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,441
And why not?
223
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,843
Well, you don't wanna
be staying awake
224
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:35,812
married to that.
225
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:38,514
That's enough with
the insults, Fred.
226
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:40,016
I'm going home with my wife.
227
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,017
Come on, baby. That's right.
228
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,051
You do that, Uncle Woody.
229
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:44,520
You tell him, baby.
We going home.
230
00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:45,722
LAMONT: That's right.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
231
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:46,990
FRED: Hello.
232
00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:49,125
Hey, wait a minute.
233
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,460
Hey, Woody, Laverne
wants to speak to you.
234
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:54,030
Laverne? Who is Laverne?
235
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:56,265
Oh, that's all right, Esther.
That's all over with now.
236
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:57,867
Over? FRED: Bye.
237
00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,268
You must've had to
have started something
238
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,302
to get something over,
239
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,804
so if you done
started something,
240
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:04,573
I'm gonna get it over.
241
00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,042
Now, you see,
there you go again,
242
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:08,111
convicting me without a trial.
243
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:09,912
Now, I'm getting
tired of you thinking
244
00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:11,047
I've done something wrong
245
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:12,815
when I haven't
done anything wrong!
246
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,017
FRED: Go ahead and tell her!
247
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:15,785
Now, let me tell you
one thing, Woodrow.
248
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:17,720
I am not leaving this house
249
00:11:17,744 --> 00:11:20,790
until I find out about
this Laverne woman.
250
00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:22,125
Well, good.
251
00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:24,694
Fred, go to get some
cement. We'll make us a statue.
252
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:25,695
FRED: Yeah. What?
253
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:27,997
Now, let me tell you one thing.
254
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,398
I can't trust you at all.
255
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:30,867
The minute I turn my back,
256
00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:34,637
you're fooling around with
some broken-down hussy...
257
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:35,972
This is it!
258
00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:40,710
I don't want you no
more. I'm through.
259
00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:44,914
You didn't have to
sit on the furniture.
260
00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:48,317
Well, now, that's
just fine with me too.
261
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:49,640
Goodbye!
262
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,761
Hey, wait a minute.
Where you going?
263
00:11:58,785 --> 00:12:04,200
I will not stay in that house
with this man no more.
264
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,104
Lamont, can I
sleep in your room?
265
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,208
Sure, Aunt Esther. Go
ahead, help yourself.
266
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,743
Thank you.
267
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,112
Now you did it. Now
you went and did it.
268
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:17,479
Esther's gonna be in this house.
269
00:12:17,503 --> 00:12:18,503
Oh...
270
00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:21,207
Oh!
271
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:24,954
Esther's gonna be here.
272
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:29,058
Elizabeth, I'm coming,
honey. I know I'm coming.
273
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:32,061
This time I can
see my tombstone...
274
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:37,867
"Fred Sanford lies
here, 1908-1975.
275
00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:40,859
Died from an overdose of ugly."
276
00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:57,620
Good morning, Pop.
See you went shopping.
277
00:12:57,644 --> 00:13:00,256
[HUMMING]
278
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,840
Oh, you still ain't
talking to me, huh?
279
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:05,895
Hey, what'd you want me to do,
280
00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:07,296
throw Aunt Esther
out on the street?
281
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,366
[HUMS] Mm-hmm!
282
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,568
Look, Pop, in a day or so,
283
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:13,569
Aunt Esther and Uncle Woody
284
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:14,871
will get this thing settled,
285
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,639
and everything will
be back to normal.
286
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,808
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
287
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:22,211
You're still gonna be
stubborn, aren't you?
288
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,346
You ain't gonna talk to me?
289
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:26,983
Are you gonna
talk to Aunt Esther?
290
00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:27,984
Well, that's good.
291
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:29,385
If you don't say nothing to her
292
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:30,787
and she don't
say nothing to you,
293
00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:33,331
there won't be no arguments.
294
00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:35,880
Good morning, Lamont.
295
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,795
Good morning, Aunt Esther.
296
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,296
I hope you slept
well last night.
297
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,463
Yes, I did. Thank you.
298
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,266
Sit down. I'll get
you a cup of coffee.
299
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:45,001
Thank you.
300
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,858
[HUMMING]
301
00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:01,605
Just stop it.
302
00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:13,830
My, my... Poor little couch.
303
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:16,833
I know you haven't
been dusted in years.
304
00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:18,935
My, my, poor little couch.
305
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:20,336
I bet this is the first time
306
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,694
you've been sat on by a buffalo.
307
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:33,415
Poor little walls, I
feel so sorry for you,
308
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:35,517
to have to stay here
and hear the language
309
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,553
that comes out of this house.
310
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:40,756
Poor wall, you oughta be
glad you ain't got no eyes
311
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:42,313
to see who's talking to you.
312
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:58,274
Why don't you move
your smelly old feet
313
00:14:58,298 --> 00:15:00,509
so I can get the
nap up on the rug.
314
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:01,878
Why don't you bend over
315
00:15:01,902 --> 00:15:03,079
so I can put my foot
316
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:05,063
where to raise the
nap on your head.
317
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,887
Why, you old bean-eating,
318
00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:13,289
beady-head,
battle-hugging donkey!
319
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:14,323
Listen,
320
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:16,692
it'd take a jackass
to know a donkey.
321
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,327
Why, you... You don't tell me...
322
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:19,362
I'm gonna tell you anything.
323
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:20,763
Now, you ain't
gonna tell me nothing.
324
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:22,853
I'm gonna knock you
out... Wait a minute!
325
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:27,103
I thought you two wasn't
gonna talk to each other.
326
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:28,971
Well, son, I wasn't
gonna say a word,
327
00:15:28,995 --> 00:15:30,339
but she came down here
328
00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:32,375
and tried to turn my
sofa and wall against me.
329
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:33,376
Listen.
330
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,111
No, you listen.
331
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:36,745
You see these two fists here?
332
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:37,880
They're stereo,
333
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:39,916
and I'm gonna put
'em both in your ears.
334
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:42,118
Why, you... Wait a
minute, just stop it.
335
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:44,062
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Come in.
336
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,196
Well, Mr. Sanford, Lamont.
337
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,597
I heard about your
aunt and uncle,
338
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,199
so I thought I'd drop by to see
339
00:15:57,223 --> 00:15:58,600
if I could be of
some assistance,
340
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,369
when I heard the
disheartening clamor
341
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:02,138
of a personal altercation.
342
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:03,339
It was her. It was him.
343
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:04,340
Her. Him.
344
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:05,374
Would you two stop this?
345
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:06,542
Would you just stop it!
346
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,510
Lamont, I believe
we have here a 415.
347
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:09,878
What's a 415?
348
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:13,115
Unsolved domestic squabble.
349
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:15,384
Now, Mrs. Anderson, I
think you should know
350
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:17,586
that we policemen
are specifically trained
351
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,055
in the psychological problems
352
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:21,557
emanating from the
aggressive tendencies
353
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,359
between espoused couples.
354
00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:24,626
So, now, why don't you...
355
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,595
Why don't you try to
settle your little differences
356
00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:28,664
amicably and intellectually?
357
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,732
What you should
do is run right home,
358
00:16:30,756 --> 00:16:33,336
look your husband
straight in the face and sing,
359
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,272
♪ It's so nice to have a
man Around the house ♪
360
00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:39,942
♪ Rickety tick It's so... ♪
361
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:42,678
That was just a little
madcap musicality,
362
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,080
you know, that I threw in there
363
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:45,814
to try to ease
the tension a bit.
364
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,649
Yeah.
365
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,219
Mrs. Anderson, if I may
speak to you for a moment.
366
00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:51,620
Perhaps we can
straighten this thing out.
367
00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:52,821
Now, in a day or so
368
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,423
this whole thing between
Aunt Esther and Woody
369
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:55,491
will be straightened out.
370
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,460
I gotta spend another
24 hours with Esther?
371
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,895
I'd rather drink muddy water...
372
00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:02,431
♪ And sleep in a hollow log ♪
373
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:04,266
Pop, would you
just do it for me?
374
00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:05,368
It's only 24 hours.
375
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:06,568
I mean, what could it hurt?
376
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:07,970
Okay, one more day. I'll try it.
377
00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:09,438
Just be calm. I'll be calm.
378
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:10,439
Be cool... Be cool.
379
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:11,773
And be collected. Be collected.
380
00:17:11,797 --> 00:17:13,876
One day, I'll be calm,
cool... Just one day.
381
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:17,113
Mrs. Anderson and I have
solved the entire problem.
382
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:18,680
She's going to get a divorce
383
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:20,516
and she'll be staying
right here with you,
384
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,819
but, oh, probably for
no more than six months.
385
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:26,522
Oh, no, six months?
386
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,324
Son, call Forest Lawn,
387
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:31,693
and tell them I'm calm, cool,
and ready to be collected.
388
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:33,784
Six months?
389
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:39,323
[HUMMING]
390
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:46,875
Hey, what's happening, Pop?
391
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:49,078
Love is happening, son.
Love. How about this?
392
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:50,079
That's hip.
393
00:17:50,103 --> 00:17:52,081
All this for Aunt Esther
and Uncle Woody?
394
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:53,582
Yeah, kind of classy, isn't it?
395
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:54,716
Yeah,
396
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,719
especially these
placecards written in crayon.
397
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,321
Well, see, they don't
even know it yet,
398
00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:01,090
but I'm getting these
two lovebirds together
399
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:04,626
so I can get that
buzzard out of my house.
400
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:06,495
Well, I see you still
haven't learned your lesson.
401
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:07,496
Sure I have.
402
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,432
Look where I got the
bouquets right here,
403
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:10,899
son, see?
404
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,701
It's sitting right there
in front of Esther's face
405
00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:14,303
so Woody won't have to see it.
406
00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:15,704
That's not what I'm
talking about, Pop.
407
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:17,039
I'm talking about interfering
408
00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:19,007
with a husband and
wife when they're arguing.
409
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:20,376
Listen, I know what I'm doing.
410
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,911
All right, I just don't wanna
have nothing to do with it.
411
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,313
I'm going upstairs
and get cleaned up.
412
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,914
As long as you know
what you're doing.
413
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,183
Good. I know what I'm doing.
414
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,551
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
415
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:31,053
Come on in.
416
00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:32,054
Hey, Woody.
417
00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,522
Hey, Fred.
418
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:36,258
Say, I got this invitation
to dinner from Esther.
419
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:37,526
Oh, isn't that wonderful?
420
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,628
Esther's so lovable, so warm...
421
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:43,865
She's such a...
Such a... such a thing.
422
00:18:43,889 --> 00:18:46,001
Yeah, yeah.
Listen to this, Fred.
423
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:49,271
"Roses are red
Mustards are green
424
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:50,639
"Come over for dinner
425
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:52,396
And we'll lick
Our plates clean."
426
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,881
Hello, Woodrow, darling.
427
00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:02,050
Well, hello, Esther.
428
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:04,286
Thanks for the
dinner invitation.
429
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:05,687
Invitation, but I thought you...
430
00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:07,289
Uh, listen, why
don't the two of you...
431
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,091
Esther, come right over
here and sit down, honey.
432
00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,292
Sit down right here. Oh, okay.
433
00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:11,293
Sit down, Woodrow.
434
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,028
Listen... [CLEARS THROAT]
435
00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:14,363
See, this is the best dinner
436
00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:16,165
I've ever fixed
in my life for y'all.
437
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:17,533
You know what I'm having?
438
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:21,570
Oysters Rockefeller and
spaghetti under glass,
439
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:24,940
and for dessert,
something continental...
440
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:27,976
Twinkies flambé.
441
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,280
Well, listen, you two get
together, enjoy yourself.
442
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:32,781
I'll be right back.
443
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:35,284
Oh, Fred, you didn't have
to go to all this trouble.
444
00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:36,285
FRED: I know that.
445
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:38,020
Just enjoy the
champagne there, darling.
446
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:39,588
Champagne!
447
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:42,591
Nothing but the best,
nothing but the best,
448
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:43,692
from your husband Woody.
449
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:46,629
French wine...
450
00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:53,802
straight from the
vineyards... of J.C. Penné.
451
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:54,826
Ooh la la.
452
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:05,536
[VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS]
453
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:42,573
You two just get cozy.
454
00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:45,710
Get real cozy.
455
00:20:50,516 --> 00:20:51,782
I'll be back in a minute. Okay.
456
00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:04,506
Woodrow, I missed you.
457
00:21:04,530 --> 00:21:06,675
Did you miss me?
458
00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:09,712
Well, yes, I guess
I did, Esther.
459
00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:14,483
Oh, Woodrow.
How do I really look?
460
00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:18,287
Oh, you look just like a
big bouquet of flowers.
461
00:21:18,311 --> 00:21:22,313
Oh, you're so sweet.
462
00:21:29,422 --> 00:21:31,800
Here you are.
463
00:21:31,824 --> 00:21:32,824
Isn't that nice...
464
00:21:34,594 --> 00:21:36,805
Isn't that romantic?
465
00:21:36,829 --> 00:21:38,274
Holding hands.
466
00:21:38,298 --> 00:21:40,041
That's nice. I'll be back.
467
00:21:40,065 --> 00:21:43,345
Hey... Look here, son.
468
00:21:43,369 --> 00:21:44,946
They holding hands,
469
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:47,716
and Woodrow ain't even
wearing his work gloves.
470
00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:49,918
Oh, man, don't you
ever know when to stop?
471
00:21:49,942 --> 00:21:52,655
Fred, Lamont,
472
00:21:52,679 --> 00:21:55,223
I'm happy to announce
that Esther and I
473
00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:56,425
are getting back together.
474
00:21:56,449 --> 00:21:59,194
See, didn't I tell you? I
knew what I was doing.
475
00:21:59,218 --> 00:22:01,229
Fred Sanford,
the king of hearts.
476
00:22:01,253 --> 00:22:02,230
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
477
00:22:02,254 --> 00:22:03,332
Come in.
478
00:22:03,356 --> 00:22:07,224
Hi, I'm Jackie,
Laverne's sister.
479
00:22:10,196 --> 00:22:11,973
Jackie, Laverne's sister?
480
00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:13,375
That's right.
481
00:22:13,399 --> 00:22:15,377
She said there's a fellow
here who wants to swing.
482
00:22:15,401 --> 00:22:16,679
Where is he?
483
00:22:16,703 --> 00:22:17,813
Swing?
484
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:18,814
Who?
485
00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:20,716
There must be some mistake.
486
00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:22,184
Start talking, Woody.
487
00:22:22,208 --> 00:22:24,052
Uh, it's no mistake.
488
00:22:24,076 --> 00:22:25,654
I'd like for you to
meet Fred Sanford,
489
00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:26,888
your gypsy prince. No, come on.
490
00:22:26,912 --> 00:22:28,390
Oh, he's cute.
491
00:22:28,414 --> 00:22:31,026
Come on, cuddles.
492
00:22:31,050 --> 00:22:34,129
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
493
00:22:34,153 --> 00:22:37,333
Help me, fellas, help me.
494
00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:38,967
Hey, I got no money.
495
00:22:38,991 --> 00:22:41,203
Oh, I got lots of cash, cuddles.
496
00:22:41,227 --> 00:22:42,638
You got real cash?
497
00:22:42,662 --> 00:22:45,663
Where you keeping
it, in this piggy bank?
498
00:22:48,167 --> 00:22:49,266
So long, cuddles.
499
00:22:58,478 --> 00:22:59,744
Ah, yes.
500
00:23:24,404 --> 00:23:27,282
What's happening, cuddles?
501
00:23:27,306 --> 00:23:28,484
Hey, look, Aunt
Esther called, man.
502
00:23:28,508 --> 00:23:29,885
She said everything
is fine at home
503
00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:30,886
with her and Uncle Woody.
504
00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:32,087
How was your date with Jackie?
505
00:23:32,111 --> 00:23:34,823
Well, son, we went
to a disaster movie.
506
00:23:34,847 --> 00:23:35,824
Oh, yeah?
507
00:23:35,848 --> 00:23:37,559
Yeah, The Sound of Music.
508
00:23:37,583 --> 00:23:40,629
Pop, The Sound of Music
is not a disaster movie.
509
00:23:40,653 --> 00:23:44,199
It is when you're walking
down the aisle with Jackie,
510
00:23:44,223 --> 00:23:46,167
and she slipped on a Milky Way
511
00:23:46,191 --> 00:23:48,191
and crushed me and
the usher to death.
512
00:23:59,338 --> 00:24:02,139
[♪♪♪]
33614
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