Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

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- [Coach shouting indistinctly]

Good Morning BHHS!

This is Billy,

yours and everyone's favorite morning radio talent,

I hope!

Well it's looking like a beautiful day here

in the city of Bend

after last night's crazy downpour.

And as always,

I'm joined by my radio sidekick

and our school janitor, Mr. Frank.

How you doing today Frankel?

- Hi.

- No, I said how you doing today, Frankel?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, yeah,

thanks for that add Frankis!

Whelp,

I'd like to start us off this morning

with a very special song,

dedicated to very special someone

who may not be feeling so very special right now.

Dylan my sweet old friend, this one goes out to you.

(clicks button)

("It's Over" by Mest)

* You've been waiting for

* You never knew for sure

* Cause time was goin' by

* And never asked you why

* When I would talk to you

* The words they went right through *

* Your head

* But I couldn't tell

* You were under her spell

* She had full control

* No one would ever know

* How much you didn't care

* Just like Sonny not Cher

* The beat didn't go on

* She looked at you and she said to your face *

* It's over, it's over

* She's got a new man and it's time for you *

* To move over, move over

* You're drunk and now you wish that you *

* Were sober, were sober

* Cause now you can't get it out of your head *

* That it's over, that it's over, that it's over *

* She said she doesn't know

* It's like the Springer show

* She said that she loves you

* But that she loves him too

* So you keep holdin' on

* Your love for her is strong

* Until she says so long

* And you did nothin' wrong

* But this keeps happening

* Time and time again

* You're thinkin' to yourself

* She was your only friend

* But you're so fucking wrong

* That chick's so fucking lame

* You realize they're all the same *

* She looked at you and she said to your face *

* It's-- (clock clatters)

(birds chirp)

(mlencholy music)

- [Dylan Voiceover] My name is Dylan Green.

I'm a High School Senior from Bend, Oregon.

And my life? It's been fine, until yesterday.

- Hey,

Picked up all of Fingernail's shit again.

- What do you think of this nail color for my nails?

- [Dylan Voiceover] This is my girlfriend Katy

and her annoying dog, Fingernails.

- I don't know, that color looks good I guess.

Hey, listen. I've been meaning to talk to you.

- Oh hey, Dylan?

- [Dylan] Yeah?

- Umm, I was just thinking,

we've been together for all of high school now,

and I just feel like it's time to--

- No way! I feel the exact same way.

- You do? - Yeah!

- Oh! That's perf!

I didn't know breaking up with you

would be so easy! (giggles)

(thunder roars) - What?

(Katy's words slur and distort)

- [Dylan Voiceover] And just like that,

it's over.

- [Male Student] Good morning, Ms. Tlif.

- [Ms. Tlif] Hey Billy.

(low mischievous rock music)

(students murmur amongst each other)

Hmm, what a surprise.

And Mr. Dylan.

I noticed you missed a couple.

You know you can do better than that, right?

- Yeah, whatever. (bell rings)

- Hey Dylan, hey, Dyl,

hey, dude, take one of these.

- What, no. What is this?

- I don't know, it's an upper or downer?

Sideways? It'll mellow you out man.

- Dude, it's a Tic Tack.

- Well yeah! I was going for the placebo effect, you know?

That's when the--

- I know what placebo means, okay?

- Bro, you're loosing your shit, alright?

And over Katy?

- Yeah, you don't seem well, but you look great.

- I mean yeah. Dude, all she does is keep nagging you man!

Just nag, nag, nag, you know?

Like "Dylan! Dilly!

"Dilly, I just did my nails, you need to wipe my ass!

"Dilly--" God! I hate it when she calls you that.

Fuck, dude!

- Yeah, you should be single.

- Um, excuse me, Ms. TILF, I'm sorry, Tlif,

um, could you just give us a quick moment please?

- Sure, I'll wait all day.

- Dude, dude! Dude.

This is the best thing that's happened to you.

Fuck us, man!

I mean dude, we finally get our best friends back, alright?

We miss you, no homo, we miss you.

- I know, man. I miss you guys too.

- I had the best fucking idea!

Tonight, you, me, and Maxi, Maxi's treehouse,

just like the old times before Katy.

You know, maybe we'll watch some good weed?

Smoke some good porn?

I don't know.

- Where is Maxi anyway? Is he around?

- [Max] What's up guy?

- Hey yo Maxi, guess what?

Dylan's in for tonight, alright?

You, me, Dylan, tonight,

treehouse, Tits Amazing, gonna be awesome! Woo!

- Okay, sounds good. I'm a little busy.

- You're good.

He's not good, okay?

You see what the wrestling team is doing to our best friend?

Alright man?

He's getting his head flushed down the toilet

and we need to protect him!

You're being selfish!

- Selfish? I'm not being selfish!

You're being selfish. Don't call me selfish, alright?

If it wasn't for you,

our buddy wouldn't be getting his head

flushed down the toilet right now

because you're so obsessed with Amber Andrews, alright?

So sack up and go over and talk to her.

- But! (mumbles incoherently)

She talks to me in Biology class like all the time!

- That's 'cause she's your lab partner

and she needs your brain, man.

- No, actually she's very smart and she's very nice

and she lets me stare.

- Hey Billy! (slams locker shut)

Congratulations on your scholarship into State.

- Yeah. Ay.

Yeah. Gonna be a state beaver.

Gonna surround myself with beavers, yeah.

- I applied too, just waiting to hear back.

- Yeah? That's great.

(bell rings)

Bring your beaver.

- I'll remember that. (giggles softly)

And Dylan, sorry to hear about my sister and you.

Between you and I, you can do a lot better.

- Thanks.

- I'll see you in class Billy.

- Oh, God. There it is.

(moans softly)

- [Dylan] Are you done yet?

- Hold on, hold on.

Okay.

- [Dylan] I mean, how does everyone know already?

- Yeah man, I mean fuck social media.

- Hey Dylan.

- Whoa.

- I don't know what you're doing after school,

but you're open to it,

I'm holding a little study group.

Maybe we can work on beefing up your test scores?

- Uh. - Do it.

- I have an A in your class, Ms. Tlif.

- I know you do.

If you change your mind,

I'll be around the corner

with my friend.

- Ay, yo Frankenstein!

Such an interesting relationship, dude. (chuckles)

Holy crap.

(women giggle naughtily)

(intense and thrilling rock music)

Dude, we have like the hottest teachers in school.

Man she should definitely change her name to Ms. TILF

'cause she's definitely a teacher I'd like to--

Dylan? Dilly?

(lips smooch passionately)

We're at the best high school ever!

(yells angrily)

(swift whoosh)

Oh hey, check this out.

It's a cute little froggy taint.

It's a taint, this frog's got a taint!

- Oh yeah, it does. It's got one.

- Little taint of a frog.

- Ugh, I cannot wait to get out of here.

I want a break from biology.

Is that a frog? We have to dissect a cat.

- Wanna trade?

I'd love to dissect some pussy!

(finger squishes on frog)

- You're so gross.

- I am.

- Where you go, Lauren?

Oh hey! It's Biology Billy!

- Yep.

- Are you going to Havasoon too?

- Havasu, it's Lake Havasu.

- What's Lake Havasu?

- It's the coolest place for spring people.

- Where are you gonna do for spring break, Billy?

- Oh, you know,

many drugs

and lots of alcohol and stuff.

- Oh I love drugs and alcohol! (giggles)

(teacher clears throat)

Totally JK, Mr. Gay.

- You should come to Havasu, Billy.

- Me?

- Yes, Biology Billy. Please come, please come!

- Michelle? Could you please say that for me one more time?

- Please come, Billy!

- Oh yeah. (finger squishes on frog)

(Amber giggles)

(Michelle giggles nervously)

- A bunch of us are gonna go to Lake Havasu.

It's supposed to be epic,

that's what everybody says.

You should check it out.

Text me if you wanna come.

(smooth rock music)

(mouths smack sloppily)

(bell rings)

Alright well

have a good spring break, Billy.

- Yeah. Yeah yeah.

You too.

(magical rock music)

(sniffs)

- [Billy] I'm sick and tired of our spring break highlight

being us going to see a movie

and getting popcorn and Milk Nips.

(door opens)

(slams door)

- Hey guys!

Sorry I'm late, my car wasn't, yeah.

Who's feet are these.

Hey! Maxi,

nice, nice feet.

My car's gonna be in the shop for an extra week,

so I had to walk.

Hello Puff,

you sweet mouthed, magic, pussy having little bitch.

You're better than my girlfriend, I'll tell you that much.

(chuckles)

Hey, she looks like Ms. Tlif. You ever notice that?

- Billy want to do something fun for spring break.

- Fun? Dude, fuck fun.

I'm thinking epic.

We need like a spring break-ation.

- Yeah, like a bro-cation.

- Yes! A spring bro-cation!

- Really? Really?

Alright, you bros have fun alright?

You can count me out.

- I'll do whatever.

- Guys, come check this shit out.

You fools ever heard of Lake Havasu before?

- What's up, Lake Havasu!

- You have my attention. (girls on computer cheer)

- Dude this,

this is it.

This is what we need.

Gentlemen,

- [Man On Computer] I'm here to check IDs.

And if they're old enough--

- This spring break,

we are going to Lake Havasu!

This, my friend Maxi, is better than Tits Amazing.

These are amazing tits, right in our faces,

ready and willing to be motorboated!

(blows a raspberry)

Dylan!

Get your depressed dick over here and check this shit out!

- Look, I sure it looks great, Billy, alright?

But I'm not in the mood right now.

(chair squeaks)

- Not in the mood?

Not in the mood to see beautiful, bouncing breasts?

College honeys running around half naked?

Dude what is wrong with you? (hand smacks leg)

- Ow!

- I mean, look at Maxi.

Alright just look at him.

This may be his only opportunity to see

an uncovered breast in his life.

- I'm gonna go all the way with those things too.

- Well we all know that's not true.

Why don't we just go to Cancun?

Fuck, while we're riding, let's go to Florida!

- We can go to Wyoming!

My GG and grandpappy live there!

They make the best cinnamon rolls.

- Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah.

- Yeah?

- No.

Does your GG have implantations?

I didn't think so.

And you need to get over Katy.

Alright? She sucks.

Oh, I'm sorry.

According to you, she doesn't suck,

she just lips the tip a little bit

and only when she's drunk.

"Dilly! Dilly, look, I'm licking it!"

- Oh stop, please stop.

- "Like an ice cream cone." - I'll do anything.

- "Chocolate black guy."

- (giggles) She does have a super rack.

- Shh.

Don't talk.

Look at this face.

Alright? Do not take this amazing opportunity away from him.

Just look at this face! It must be tainted!

- Taint.

(drawer slides open and closed)

- You need this more than we do, okay?

It's my special weed that you love so much,

guaranteed to give you the best night sleep

you ever had.

Just remember to wash it down with a little bit of Jack.

- Now this,

is the best idea you had all night.

(chill music)

Finally.

* Smoking, drinking just to pass the time *

* Oh Lord, I just wanna ease my mind *

- Well, let's go steal a RV.

- An RV?

(swift whoosh)

(moves into exciting music)

(moves to triumphant music)

- [Billy] He calls it The Highway.

- The Highway? Wow.

Who calls it that?

- Mr. Ralphy Peterson.

And never lets me see the inside.

But lucky for us,

I found where he hides his keys.

- That is pretty super.

- It is pretty super, Maxi.

- [Max] How does he afford all of this though?

- Good question,

one I should know the answer to because I do his taxes.

Sorry Ralphy boy! You deserve this.

- Deserve? What, we're not taking his--

- You bet your sweet little nipples we are.

He never uses it,

so we will.

- We can't do that to him.

- Dude, just relax okay? Trust me.

He totally deserves this.

He made me his bitch.

And now we make The Highway ours.

Here, you're driving! (keys jingle)

- [Max] What do you mean?

- What do you mean "What do I mean"?

I'm sick and tired of you being a pussy

and not getting your drivers license.

- But-- - Shh!

Don't talk.

- Okay.

- Drivers Ed 101 begins right now.

(devious music)

- Okay, I can do this.

- Yes you can! And you will!

(exciting rock music)

Let the games begin, Max Max!

(RV cranks up and revs)

- [Max] Wait, where's Dillon?

(alarm softly beeps)

- Yeah, eat it.

Eat it, Diggle!

Swallow it hard.

(Dylan groans)

Good afternoon, Dylan!

Nice of you to finally join us!

- (groans) What the fuck.

(grunts) Why does it feel like we're moving?

- You see, Dylan,

we live in the here, in the now.

And right now is the now.

You're living it right now.

So I'll tell you what,

let's not give a fuck and live it up right now, m'kay?

- [Max] M'kay!

- M'kay there, Maxi?

- M'kay. You sound like that Dr. Phil guy.

- [Billy] M'kay Dylan?

- M'kay!

Why are we dressed like a metrosexual biker gang?

- Well we, uh, you know,

had a little covert operation last night,

you, me, and Maxi.

I didn't want us to get pinched by the Peterson.

- (sighs) Mr. Peterson, like autoshop Mr. Peterson?

You took his RV?

- It's his recreational vehicle.

- You stole The Highway?

- Wonder if we pissed off the Peterson?

(garage door rattles)

- What the--

- Fuck?

- Hey, you. Shh!

- It. (baby cries)

Shut up, asshole!

- Where are we going, anyway? So janky.

- Dude, we're on our way to Lake Havasu

for our bro-cation, remember?

- [Max] Bro-cation celebration!

- Yeah, I remember.

I remember saying I didn't wanna be part of the bro-cation.

- But it's a celebration.

- Whatever, alright?

Just pull over, I need to take a piss.

- Okay, brother, there's a bathroom on this thing.

- I'll pass.

- Alright, suit yourself.

(pop rock music)

Maxi!

Pit stop.

(water pours from faucet)

So, hear this is where a lot of penises hang out.

(person flatulates continuously)

Who was that?

- Hey man, you talking shit in there or what?

- Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

Feel you on that one, asshole,

good shit.

(person flatulates loudly)

- God, enough of the shit talk man.

We get it, alright?

Billy shake your dick and let's go.

(person flatulates grossly)

- Hey, that was a shitty thing for you to say.

- What's taking so long?

We've been standing here forever!

- Let's just go, man!

We're already dressed like the Hamburgular anyway,

we might as, oh, ho. (chuckles)

It's good stuff.

Hey, this is my friend Billy and he thinks you're cute.

- Yeah. Yeah yeah, yeah.

I do.

I do.

Where you been hiding?

- Here on the corner,

talking shit.

Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.

(flatulates) Yeah.

- Yeah?

Guys, guys guys guys guys.

Have you seen the back of the RV?

It's insane!

There's a painting back there of a hot blonde

with perfect pectorals, unbelievable!

Oh, and I found this! (laughs)

- What is it?

- Just wrong, man.

- Dude, come on. It's Mrs. Peterson.

Who's the hottest PE teacher ever!

- I never seen one in real life before.

- Have a feeling Max Max, go for it.

Dude, I bet she uses this on Ms. Tilf.

I bet you they use it on each other!

Oh my God, you can't lose! Give me that back!

Oh Mrs. Peterson, you taste so good.

(exciting funk music)

- Are you ready for me, Ralph?

(groans excitedly)

- Alright, we get it.

You like licking floppy pink dildos.

Just drop it already, please!

- Alright fine. I'll drop it if you drop it.

- Drop what? What am I dropping?

- Your bad attitude!

- I don't have a bad attitude,

you're just being annoying.

- We need to fully commit,

right here, right now, alright?

Dylan, are you in or are you in?

- Come on, Dylan. Be in.

Be in deep. Come in.

- Okay. Okay, I'm in.

Alright? I'm in.

- Fuck yeah.

Let's do this right, hands in boys.

Spring bro-cation on three.

One, two, three!

- [Boys] Spring bro-cation!

- Alright, we'll work on it.

* You are between my mind for do or die *

* I cannot take this anymore

* I've been trying to understand what went wrong this--

- Hey, check out this boat we can rent.

It's cool, right?

- The Backyard Boat? Awesome sauce!

- Dude, this is amazing!

We could throw our own parties,

cruise the lake!

- Maxi, let me get that credit card number.

- Trust me and Dylan.

- Okay, I trust in the Dylan.

- Good boy. Such a trusting young lad.

- Alright boys,

The Backyard Boat is officially ours!

(Billy screams excitedly)

* I've been waiting for too many years *

* And now you're gone forever

* Waiting for so long

* Pull yourself together

* 'Cause I will not wait forever *

* I believe in something that wasn't true *

* Fuck you

* You're thinking I'm not good enough for you *

- You guys, guess what.

I saw a sign for a strip joint diner.

I'm thinking we should get our eats on in style.

- Get our eats on in some style?

Dude, you wonder why your penis is still a virgin, Jesus.

Alright, I'm down to dine with some dick in it.

Dylan, you're down to dine with some dick in it?

Oh no, wait, you miss the negatives of the Katy!

Oh no Dy-- (pillow smacks face softly)

- It's a strip club diner in the middle of nowhere.

It's probably a bad idea, right?

- Maxi?

Strip club.

- Um, hey guys?

Do you think we should've stopped here?

It looks kinda shady.

- It was your idea to stop here.

- I know but

are there gonna be boobies?

- Of course there's gonna be boobs in there,

it's a strip club, man!

Look, the RV's parked, we're outside.

Let's just eat. I'm hungry.

- Alright, you know what?

Stop! Alright guys?

Gentlemen?

It's times like these we ask ourselves,

are we dudes who give a fuck

or are we men?

I, for one, am a man.

And I've chosen a path to

(choir chants)

Beware Of Tits.

- [Boys] Bottomless diner and strip joint.

- Fuck it,

let's just hope no one sees us, alright?

- Whoa! Yes!

(bassy rap music)

What's up, boys?

I'm Dons.

- Dons?

- Don with a s. Dons.

- Hey, I'm Billys.

- [Dons] That's tight.

- Were you just snorting Cocaine in front of us?

- Nah, nah, no way man.

I don't mess with the Cocaine.

I rock the blue powder.

- What's the blue powder?

- It makes the blood

rush right to your Johnson, where it belongs.

Makes you dick harder than Chinese Checkers!

You guys wanna try some?

It's awesome.

It's awesome.

Hey whistling boy,

sick dick bro.

Tonight, uh, free to midnight.

Um, congrats.

Uh, locals.

You look like a local. You men locals?

- Actually.

- Yeah! Yeah yeah, yeah, we are.

We are.

- Super, uh, super local.

- Well, my penis ain't pissin'!

Come inside!

That's what see said!

(claps)

(moves into dark electronic music)

Whoa,

you need to fix that kid.

- Fix? Fix what?

- You know what I'm talking about.

And I'm not talking about that silly whistle.

But you landed in just the right place.

And, uh,

ay! (record scratches)

New stripper!

This is a bottomless strip joint!

We don't show our tits here!

You're still breast feeding for Christ sake!

- Hey guys!

Welcome to Beware Of Tits.

Where not only the food and drinks are bottomless,

but so are the girls.

So, are you guys eating out or inside?

- Uh, what?

- What do you recommend?

- I mean I sure do love eating out,

but come on in, guys.

- So you're telling me that there are no tatas?

- Nope.

- The best part of the female anatomy

is not being shown tonight?

- Sorry Charlie.

- Billy.

- Have a seat.

(Max giggles)

- Here you go.

Hope you guys like a boxed lunch.

- Yeah, thanks.

Nice find, Maxi.

Beware Of Tits.

- Hello boys!

Can I get you some drinks started?

Like everything around here, they are bottomless!

Well, unlike myself at this particular moment.

- Uh yeah!

Can we get two blow jobs and a glass of milk for this guy?

Thank you.

- Ah, just the drinks for now.

Thank you.

(whistles awkwardly)

- [Billy] I gotta go rock a pole.

- Why are we friends with him?

- He's nice.

- I think you boys will probably like to try

some of our famous bottomless wings and fries?

- Yeah sure, that would be great.

Fuck! What she just say?

- She said she thinks I'm cute

and horny.

- (laughs) She said that you're horny?

- I am horny.

What do I do?

- Oh, I don't know.

I've been out of the game for a while.

Why don't you go ask loverboy there?

What is he doing?

- Ay yo guys, check this out!

I call this one the Havasu Sweeper.

Pretty good, huh?

You come try it!

- He's the worst.

- That's it! (stripper screams in shock)

I just saw some tits.

Take your tits and split.

- Come on, this is the only thing I got!

I have a flat ass! Look at my ass!

You smack it, nothing happens!

- Oh blame your mother!

- It's not her fault Dons!

- Oh write a novel!

- Stop talking about my mom.

The man wants tatas, Dons. Come on!

(patron smacks table)

- You wanna see her tits?

- [Patron] Can we something out?

- You wanna show him your tits?

- I wanna show him my tits, Dons.

- One time. One time I can make an agreement.

- [Patron] Okay, thank you!

- You wanna shake on it?

- We should shake, make it a gentleman's handshake.

- Yes, okay.

Wait. - What?

- Tit shake. - Tit shake?

- Tit shake. - Tit shake?

- Never turned one down.

- [Patron] Never had one before.

- Did that just happen?

- Okay, here is your food.

I was thinking maybe you and I could go

maintain eye contact for a little while?

Yeah. Come on!

Come on, come on.

Come on.

- See you, buddy.

(high energy and vibrant music)

- What?

- [Max] So cool!

- Yeah! - Dude, come on!

Fuck yeah!

- You got her number, huh? - Got her number buddy!

Where's the RV?

- The RV?

- The recreational vehicle, man!

- Maxi!

- Excuse me, sir.

(haunting music)

Jesus Christ!

(Billy screams inaudibly)

He's got a gun, he's got a gun.

- [Billy] Ay man, come on.

Can you cut us some slack man? Give me a break!

- Does it look like I got a Kit Crap bar on me, boy?

- Aww, he gotta get out of the car.

He's getting out.

- You know what's even worse?

It's not my fault you let your RV run itself

into the middle of my cornfields.

- Where's the corn?

- It's growing.

Yeah, rookie mistake Mission Boys.

- Alright, you're right.

It was our mistake, it was our bad.

But everyone makes mistakes, right?

Have you ever made a mistake?

- Nope. Never.

(flicks lighter)

- Come on, just look at him!

Look at his face.

- You can taint it.

(man spits out cigarettes)

- You want me to taint your face, boy?

- Maybe not.

- Alright look, I mean,

clearly you've made a mistake before.

- No, I never made "a" mistake.

- Never? You wanted to look like this?

- Sexy as shit?

You Mission Boys hard of hearing or something?

- Mission Boys? Why do you keep calling us Mission Boys?

- Well you are on a mission, aren't you?

- Dude we just walked out of a strip club.

And we're driving a RV, not riding bicycles.

- Drink alcohol too?

- Yeah.

- [Johnathan] Drink coffee?

- Of course.

- [Johnathan] Tea?

- Yeah?

- You fuckers do blow?

- No! Whoa! - No!

What does that have to do with anything?

- Well I'm higher than shit!

- That's cool, man.

- Alright, how much turkey you boys got on you?

- Turkey?

- Yeah, turkey.

You want me to spell it out for you?

T

E-R

fucking Q, who gives a shit?

I ate pussy for breakfast.

- Oh fuck, he wants cash.

- No shit.

- I don't have any cash on me,

I only brought my card.

- [Billy] I don't have any cash.

- You boys should've thought of that,

now shouldn't you?

- Um look, Mr. Johnathan.

- Sire!

Johnathan to you fuckers.

- Okay, Sire Johnathan.

Look, as you can see, this is all we have man.

Is that okay?

- You call this turkey?

I call this here toilet paper.

- He's gonna wipe his ass with my money.

(mumbles)

- [Johnathan] Gonna make it rain.

- Okay, look Sire Johnathan please,

okay man?

My entire future with Amber Andrews depends on this trip.

Will you please let us go?

I will do anything!

- Anything?

- Anything.

(moves into lively banjo music)

- Well,

thanks for the buff, boys.

- You're welcome.

- [Johnathan] You missed a spot.

- Well,

that was fun.

- You know,

you seemed to have failed to mention

that Amber Andrews, Katy Andrew's twin sister,

was gonna be on this trip.

- Aw man, please no.

- Yeah yeah yeah man,

I thought that you organized this whole shindig

for a little bro-cation time

with your best friends.

But now it looks like someone's a little

hoes before bros on this trip.

- Dude, I just,

I could really use your support, okay?

- You need confidence!

Alright? Confidence.

Just go up to her, present yourself,

tell her how you feel!

It's not that hard.

- No, you know what?

It is hard.

You're giving me a raging boner right now dude.

You're really good at this!

I need to grow some balls,

you're absolutely right!

- That's true,

and I'm glad that I could give you

a little emotional support on this RV.

All this food and the weed

is making me a little ti-ti,

so I think Dylan is gonna go to bed.

- Why don't you talk?

- You guys always tell me not to.

- Really?

(music plays softly on the radio)

- Oh what is it man?

You can talk.

- I don't know.

I guess I just feel it's time.

- "It's time"?

- Yeah. To lose it.

You know, my virginity.

I just want it over with and so does my daddy.

- Daddy, seriously.

- Yeah.

He's always buying me condoms

and for my birthday last year,

he even paid for a hooker to come over and touch me.

- I always knew I liked your daddy.

- I was super nervous,

so I just hid in the closet.

- Bro? It is time to come out of the closet.

I mean what's wrong?

- I don't know.

It feel like it's all the pressure from it, maybe?

Apparently he's quite the stud in the bedroom

and he's partaken threesomes and orgies

and fourgies.

- What's a fourgie?

- I don't know.

- Whoa.

- I'm just scared.

- You scared? Scared of what?

- Well like,

what if I don't last long?

What if she laughs at it?

I don't think my dick can handle that kind of rejection.

- Dude, don't even worry about it.

I mean premature ejaculation is totally normal

and hot chicks are just used to it anyways,

it's all good.

(whistles)

But dude,

you need to get over this whistling sound

you make with your mouth.

I mean what is that?

It's like when the subject of sex with a female comes up,

I feel like someone's brewing a pot of tea.

You know what you need to do?

You need to reinvent yourself.

It's time for a makeover.

Extreme makeover, Maxi edition.

You are no longer Maxi,

the scared little whistling virgin,

forever doomed to a life of swirlies and toilets.

You are now

Maximus.

- Maximus.

- Maximus Cunnilingus Clitoris.

- Maximus.

- Son to an orgy master.

- Maximus.

- Recent member of Tits Amazing.

- Maximus.

- And recipient of a cocktail napkin

with a phone number on it

from a cocktail waitress who works at

Beware Of Tits, bottomless diner and strip joint.

- Maximus.

- You shall lose it.

- I shall.

- In this life or the next.

Preferably this life.

- Maximus,

I like that.

I am Maximus Cunnilingus Clitoris.

- Maximus.

- Maximus.

(triumphant music)

(horn blows)

(Max pants in shock)

- Sweet dreams there, Maxi?

- No, had a nightmare.

Billy? What's a cunnilingus?

Think I had a nightmare about it last night.

Is it some sort of monster?

- Monster, yeah.

Just gonna have to find out for yourself there, kiddo.

- Are we there yet man?

We've been driving forever and this place is hotter

than a prostitute's asshole, alright?

Where is this place?

- Calm your tits, Betty White.

I got an idea!

Compact disk!

("Cadillac" by Mest)

Here we go!

* It's Friday night

* What's going on tonight

- Come on, go!

- I'm driving. - Come on, man!

Get up! - Okay, drive.

(boys yell and shout)

(car horn blows)

(RV tires skid)

(car horn blows angrily)

- Who is that? Why is he honking at us?

- [Max] What a douche.

* Rolling in my Cadillac

* Self control, knowing that your mom is what I lack *

* Top down, seat back

* Rolling in my Cadillac

* Top down, seat back

* Rolling in my Cadillac

* Top down, seat back

* Rolling in my Cadillac

Oh my goddess, hi.

- Hey guys, welcome to The Nautical.

I'm Jordan.

Are you checking in with SWAT today?

- I got this.

- Okay.

- Hi. We are checking in as chaperones.

- Chaperones?

- Okay, I was just about to step out for my lunch break,

but don't worry,

I'll go find somebody who can take care of you guys.

- Ah, what?

- Don't worry about my friend Maxi here.

He almost got laid last night

but couldn't quite close.

- Aw, don't worry about it.

Maybe your luck will change here in Havasu.

- So cute.

- Alright, well good luck boys.

- Ah, thought that would work.

- You thought that would work?

- Yeah.

(stumbles ungracefully)

Hi there friend.

We are checking in as chaperones.

- It's pronounced Freend.

Freend. Freend.

- Okay.

- Names please.

- Okay, uh this is Dylan.

I'm Billy, that's Maxi.

- Maximus. - Maximus.

- I take it you all of age?

- I take it you're of all age.

- Would you like to see some identification there, Friend?

- It's okay.

You look like you're 30.

- He's actually 35.

(Freind snickers)

- [Freind] I can see that.

You understand the responsibilities of a SWAT chaperone?

- What's a chaperone?

- Oh don't worry about this guy.

He doesn't even know what cunnilingus is.

- What's a cunnilingus?

- It's a scary monster.

- With an unibrow.

- Basically your responsibilities are to make sure

that kids under the age are not drunk in public

or fighting, fighting.

You know what fighting is?

- Yeah, I know what fighting is.

- You notice anything suspicious,

you grab any of our security guard and

you report it.

- So we're basically narcs?

- Yes!

- Perfect!

You guys ready to make some new friends? Freends?

(intense heavy metal music)

- Hello? Is anyone here?

- Uh?

- Uh,

uh we're here about The Backyard Boat?

- Well The Backyard Boat, why didn't you just say so?

- I just did.

We rented it through your website?

- I don't got no website.

- Yes you do.

- No, I don't.

- I think that you do.

- Fuck you. - Fair enough.

- Isn't this you?

- [Boys] Uncool Ronathan's

Havasu Boating Adventures Paradise, Lake Havasu Lake.

- Yeah, that's me.

- So then you do have a website?

- No shit.

- What the fuck?

- Grab my stuff.

(moans) Feels good in there.

- What is he doing?

Alright, must sign right here boy.

You want me to hold it out like this for you?

- You want us to sign your arm?

- I'm not holding it out here

for you choir boys to stare at.

- Here, I'll sign.

- Just be careful.

- Life vest,

we're gonna need some beer.

- Alright.

- Wait, you're not coming with us, are you?

- If it was up to me,

we'd all be coming together by the end of the night.

- Well, it's just--

- Don't you "welp" me, boy!

- I didn't really want tapdance around

with a bunch of fucking Sissy Sallys anyway.

- But this map just leads us right back here.

- I don't see any life vests or beer

around these little arms, now do I?

Cute little hands.

So sexy.

- Thank you.

We'll see you later,

run, run, run, run!

- Hey!

You boys come back here.

- Who are those cute boys?

And what did they want?

- Fuck you. (swift whoosh)

(sighs disappointingly)

Took the advice on the beer.

(soft slap) Good stuff.

("Party By Myself" by Hollywood Undead)

Here she is.

Backyard Beauty, in all her glory.

* Fuck everyone else, I'm a party by myself *

* Do this shit all night, I don't need nobody else *

* Fuck everyone else, I'm a party by myself *

* Higher than a kite, with nobody but myself *

- Well guys,

it looks like everyone really like us!

- Oh yeah, they like us, alright.

Just jealous of our Backyard Beauty.

Great find Dylan!

- Good find Dylan.

- [Ronathan] Thank you, boys.

- Jesus Christ,

it's a stripper pole on this boat?

Billy why won't you go shake your ass on that thing?

See what happen?

(make ringing noise)

- [Max] Whatcha doing?

- Dude, I think my Bone-ar's going off.

(makes ringing sound)

- What the fuck are you doing?

- Dude, I can't control it,

It's my Bone-ar.

(makes ringing sound)

(intense rock music)

(guys chant "TILF")

- Tlif?

- TILF titties? Titties in a TILF.

- Go away! (guys chant "TILF")

- We need to get off this boat.

(high energy club music)

- Man, what a plethora of pretty pillows around!

Jeez!

- Thank you for bringing me out here, boys.

I appreciate it.

This is our week, alright?

This is our week to get after it. You ready?

(fast paced club music)

Son of a bitch, really?

- What? Is that Amber?

- No. What the fuck is she doing here man?

- [Max] Aw, that chick sucks!

- Nope.

- Oh yeah.

- Man, shit. But seriously, what is she doing here?

Fuck it, I'll be right back.

Katy.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Is this why you broke up with me,

so you can be all slutty over spring break?

- You know Dilly,

I love everything that you did for us.

It's just--

- It's just what? What?

You don't care about me at all?

You rather hang out with these fucktards?

- What's up, dog?

I'm the DJ.

The DJ! Spring break DJ!

DJ Tanner!

Check out my banner!

Woo hoo, woo hoo, woo hoo, woo!

(impersonates a beat machine)

- The fuck are you doing? Stop.

Is this your ex old lady?

She got a nice rack on her.

Thanks for sharing.

- What the fuck are you talking about? Stop!

- Sharing is caring, dog!

- Stop calling me dog!

This isn't 1999, alright?

Just go back to your fucking DJ booth,

this is my girlfriend.

- But Dilly, we broke up, remember?

This is the guy I was telling you about.

I met him on Tender.

He's gonna be like the next SkrillRes.

- Sorry to steal your hot girl

and kick your ass off my boat dog.

Unfortunately this is my boat

and she doesn't seem to want you anymore.

So why don't you make like the trees

and get out.

- Just get away from me, man!

- Wow!

Well, it appears you're out of time.

And we have a full house,

so you better get your ass off this boat before I--

- Before you what?

Before you flex your T-shirt titties in my face again?

(laughs oddly)

It's not funny.

- You know I won't,

but they will.

Danny, Joey, Uncle Jessie,

get him.

(imitates shooting a shotgun)

- Get off me, man.

Stop. Stop.

What are you doing?

Hey!

(people on boat cheers)

- Aw, it's too bad dog.

I liked you. You have a cute face.

- Fuck you man.

- Dylan you shouldn't have come all this way

to try and get me back.

- I didn't.

(splashes water)

- Dilly!

You totes got me wet! (whines)

- That guy's like a real DJ

and I got a sticker!

Okay.

Alright, look guys,

I just need a second to myself, alright?

Just go have fun, I'll catch up with you guys later.

- [Billy] What? Come on, man!

We're in this together bro!

It's a bro-cation, remember?

- So I'll catch up with you later.

- Don't leave, bro!

- Dude!

- Bro!

- Dude!

- Bro.

- Dude.

Let him go.

Let him go.

(vibrant and popping electronic music)

- That can not be good for her health.

Dude,

that's my Destiny's Child!

(music slows to a halt)

Excuse me for a second.

I have some balls to attend to.

- What?

- Hey!

Hey.

- You made it.

- I'm so glad you came!

- Well yeah, I'm always happy to come.

Uh, be here.

- You look so familiar to me.

- Hey Michelle.

- He knows me?

- Hey!

You guys should totally check out the

killer boat we rented this week.

It's awesome.

- Really? - Really?

- No, it actually sucks.

- What color is it?

- What's your favorite color, Michelle?

- Leopard!

- Yeah, we got a leopard boat.

Yeah, we do. We do.

Sorry. Sorry not sorry.

(ice cream jingle music)

- Hi.

- Why hello.

- Can I,

can I try a sample of your Hample Nample?

- Good choice, kid.

Sample of Hample Nample, coming in hot.

- Uh, okay. Uh.

Oh wow! That's a super sample!

- Super sample Hample Nample.

- Can I get that in a captain's cone please?

(employee and mumbles in thought)

So what you're asking for

is some Hample Nample which not to sample? (groans)

I'm not sure if we have anymore of that flavor.

I'm going to have to check in with the captain.

Boss!

Hey boss!

(boss grunts)

This very nice silly looking man right here

would like to know

if we have any Hample Nample

in which not to sample?

(boss smacks appliances softly)

(boss giggles delusively)

Seems like it's your lucky day.

The captain just said we do.

Would you like one scoop or two?

(ice cream machine buzzes)

Here's one,

(ice cream plops in cone)

(ice cream machine whirls)

(ice cream plops in cone)

And there's two.

I'll do a little something special for ya.

Gonna put a little icing on the cake. (moans)

That's gonna taste a lot better

if you eat it through your nose.

- Through my nose?

(bumping and high energy club music)

- Hey! Nice shirt!

(sniffs loudly)

Whoa.

You didn't get rid of that from the other night, kid?

That is not awesome.

- I recognize you!

You're Don! The owner of Beware Of Tits!

- Dons, with a s. Dons.

How you doing, kid?

- [Waitress] Maxi?

- Mindy?

- Maxi!

Maxi.

Maxi Max, Maxi Max.

What are you doing here?

I'm so excited to see you again!

- What are you doing here?

- I don't remember what I'm doing here.

- Are you a strip dancer for them as well?

- No way, I get, um,

horny when I dance.

So I leave that to the professionals

who have self control.

Isn't this place amazing?

It makes me so excited,

like not just in my face.

- Ice cream boy, you wanna hit the lake with us?

- For real?

- Yeah boy! Here we go!

(Mindy mumbles excitedly) - Sounds great!

(swift whoosh)

- Your technique is a little weak, you know.

- I didn't know there was a technique

for skipping rocks.

- Oh yeah, here. Let me show you.

So the trick is to

get down low, close to the water,

and with the right flat rock

and a good release,

that's how it's done.

- [Dylan] That's not bad.

- Thanks.

- I'm Dylan.

- Hi. Sarah.

- Nice to meet you.

- Yo Sarah,

you gonna get a room?

Or can we get the ball back?

- I'm gonna grab that, thanks.

Shouldn't you be partying with all the crazy people?

- Yeah, well, um,

my two friend brought me out here

to get me away from my girlfriend,

or ex-girlfriend.

And it turns out that she's already here,

on some boat with a bunch of drunk idiots wearing neon.

I'm sorry, I guess I'm just,

stuck in this stupid place

and I don't know what to do.

- Hey, this stupid place I call home.

- Yikes. Uh.

Can we start over?

- Okay.

- I'm Dylan, spring breaker from Bend, Oregon.

And apparently I can't skip rocks.

- Hello Dylan from Bend, Oregon.

I'm Sarah, a Havasu local and a freshman.

- You're a freshman?

- [Sarah] In college.

- College.

Nice.

- What are you doing tonight?

- Tonight I'm probably going back to my hotel room

to hide from my ex-girlfriend for the rest of the week.

- Okay well

my friends and I are having a get together tonight.

You're welcome to stop by

if you can muster a smile.

- Okay, sure.

Yeah, why not?

- Okay!

Here, give me your number. I'll text you.

- Confident girl asking for my number, I like that.

- So I'll see you tonight maybe?

- Yeah. Definitely.

See ya.

(poppy dance music)

- That was awesome!

(hand smacks skin softly)

- That's my thumb.

I'm sorry.

- Uh, it's okay.

You tripped.

(skin slaps skin softly)

- Hey, how you doing gorgeous?

What's your name?

I'm Cash, but everybody calls me The Cashtag.

- I'm Amber.

- Ooh, beautiful name Amber!

Oh, look at this.

Mind standing it up for me?

Here we go.

The Cashtag's ready to get willied,

Free Willy style.

Come on, let's jump that rock!

- Oh! I love sharks!

- He said his name is Cash, right?

(girls cheer)

- Yeah.

Don't worry, I got a hashtag for you, small person!

- There's a small person here?

(giggles) Small people make me feel

like a great, big giant.

- (laughs) Hashtag, give up now.

'Cause The Cashtag gets what The Cashtag wants.

(laughs) Of course you can! Don't be shy!

He wants to do a beer bong.

Why, you can do a beer bong. Here you go.

Yeah let's do a, oh that's a good idea.

Two of them 'cause he's not a baby, right?

- [Onlooker] Take it like a man!

- Let's go Billy!

(crowd cheers for Billy)

(Billy chokes and coughs)

- Oh! Wipeout!

Don't worry ladies, I got this covered.

Don't worry, don't worry.

Hashtag, say hi to your vagina for me.

It's okay, he's alright, he's alright, he's alright.

I think he's just a little embarrassed

because he made you look bad.

You know, we'll just give him a little space.

Let's get out of here, I know another party.

Come here, sweetheart. - Let's go with him.

Let's go. - There we go.

- Where are we going?

It's alright small person,

you're gonna be okay?

Do you have a name?

(exciting maraca and bongo music)

- Get up!

(girls giggle)

I gotta tell you--

- So, where does a Maxi come from?

- My mom's vagina.

(Mindy giggles)

Bend.

- You want me to bend?

- No, that's where I'm from. Bend, Oregon.

- Oh!

Oh that's cool.

I've dated a lot of people who live in Bend.

Actually, I believe the population of bend is 81,236,

give or take a few.

- Wow. I didn't even know that.

- So what kind of kinky stuff

does one get into in Bend?

- Like what do I do for sex?

(Mindy giggles)

I don't know, I'm kind of a nerd.

This is probably as close as I've ever come.

- I like nerd.

- I like space.

No, no, I'm kidding.

I'm sorry,

what I mean was I'm kinda obsessed with outer space.

- Oh! Okay.

Did you that neutron stars spins

at a rate of 600 rotations per second

and that all of space has no sound?

Do you wanna go for a swim?

I'll put on your little shorts

and you can put on my overalls.

Come on.

- Hey ice cream boy.

- Yeah?

- Come here for a second.

Come here.

(sniffs) Yeah, still there.

Look,

Mindy, she likes you.

I can tell. Yeah.

And I like that. I like that.

That's awesome.

- I think I like her too.

- Then tell her.

Girls like a guy with confidence,

a guy that take charge, like Dons.

- I never really had confidence with girls.

- Watch this.

Jesse, Kayden,

come over here and give Dons some sugar!

A little hustle!

Ooh. Ooh. (smooches)

(girls giggle)

Yeah. Yeah.

I wanna taste you.

(lips smooch)

- Let me in!

- (smooches) Okay.

(girls kiss passionately) (Max whistles awkwardly)

Sharing is caring.

(moans and grunts)

(whistles awkwardly)

That'll make your dick hard.

- It did.

- Alright ladies,

I gotta talk to Maxi for a second.

(snaps fingers) Hey.

Alright,

if you had to choose between eating hot dog

or a taco, what would you choose?

- I love hot dogs.

- Wrong answer!

Hot dogs only been in ball parks.

You want to eat tacos.

- Taco. - Tacos.

- Tacos. - Tacos.

- That's what my daddy keeps telling me.

- From now on, Dons is your daddy.

You need to think what Dons would think.

What would Dons do?

Where's the pussy? Where's the pussy?

I dunno. I dunno, I don't see it anywhere.

Wait a second!

Do you know what a pussy looks like?

- Oh, I've seen pictures.

- Right. Intimidating to look at,

but fun when you're in there.

- Like a waterpark.

- Like a waterpark, sure.

Here, put your hands like this.

Tight now.

Open it up.

And that's a pussy.

Do it again.

And that's a pussy.

Again. That--

a, that's a, a,

(scoffs) you got it, you got it. Okay.

Alright, like this.

Come on.

Pound.

- Pound. Pound?

- What are you, in preschool? Pound!

Powerful hip thrust!

Pound.

- Pound? - Pound! Pound.

Pound. Here, let me show you.

Let me show you.

(exciting and adventurous music)

Come with me now.

Pound, pound, pound, pound.

- [Both] Pound, pound, pound, pound!

- (growls) I am Maximus!

- The Maximus!

- Mad Maximus!

- Yeah! - Yes!

- That was awesome, kid!

- I am awesome!

- You wanna get high and fuck?

- Wait, you?

- I mean with girls.

- Hey, how's it going?

Can I grab a shirt?

- Yeah, whatever.

- Where's Maxi?

- Dude, I don't know. Fucker vanished!

And he didn't hake a cell phone with him,

so we have no way to contact him.

- Is he okay?

- Yeah, I'm sure he's fine.

He's probably lost or scared,

you know, all the monster melons walking around?

- There you go again with that titty talk.

You got a problem, man.

You should see someone about it.

- Man, I don't have a problem.

Alright? You have a problem!

Man, titties were designed for us to fantasize about,

and that's exactly what I do.

I fantasize about the beautiful A to double D sized titties

with with quarter sized pink nipples.

(laughs)

Man, why do I let people push me around?

I mean, I'm a decent looking lad, right?

- 'Cause it's not about looks, alright?

Sometimes it's about confidence,

and for some reason, when it comes to Amber,

you don't have any.

Why? What happened.

- Well I mean,

I was hanging out with her,

you know, making her laugh and smile.

Such a beautiful smile.

Man I think she's finally looking at me differently.

- So that's amazing. That's a good thing, right?

- Yeah, but then some Hashtag douchebag showed up

and totally stole her away from me!

- What you mean "Stole her away"?

What is he, a viking?

- No, that asshole made me look bad

and took my woman from me.

I mean, what the fuck?

- Dude, girls like assholes!

She was probably hoping that you would be an asshole

and tell this guy to eat a dick or something.

- Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

- Yeah.

- Probably right.

Totally gonna punch that Hashtag douchebag in the dick

next time I see him.

- What's Hashtag?

- Don't worry about it.

- Hey man, you know? Punch that dick.

- Literally punch the penis.

- So I met a cutie today, local girl.

Yeah, her name is Sarah.

- Girl?

- She's a freshman.

- I love young girls.

- In college.

- Look at you!

- Right?

- Getting with the older, more experienced, huh?

- Yeah, she invited us to a party.

Probably gonna be a lot of hot girls there,

help get your mind off of Amber.

Wanna come?

- I can't. Got a mission to accomplish.

Gotta fist a dick.

You have fun with that college pussy!

- You're ridiculous, man.

- [Billy] I agree, I agree.

(exciting rock music)

- Hey.

You look lost.

I'm Zach.

- Okay, I'm Dylan.

- Are you new around here, Dylan?

- I'm just visiting, actually, Zach.

- Oh, well cool, man. Where from?

- From Oregon.

- Well it's nice for you to stop by, Dylan.

Hey, you wanna play some Pong?

It's just apple j, this is a sober party.

- No, I'm good.

I was just looking for Sarah,

do you know if she's around?

- Yeah, (mumbles) go find her!

- Thanks buddy.

- Oh hey, actually, take this.

It's apple juice.

- No, I'm good man. I'm just gonna--

- Take it.

You really need to try this.

It's freshly squeezed

and organic.

- Okay, thanks.

- [Male Partygoer] Yo, yo,

does her brother know you're here?

- Hey.

- Oh, hey Loverboy!

- How's it going?

- Okay.

- I'm sorry.

So, uh, what's the story?

- What's the story?

- Yeah.

- Are you nervous to hang out with me or something?

- No, I just don't know anyone here

so it's a little awkward, I guess.

- Well, uh, let me introduce you.

- Cool. - Yeah.

Hey everyone! This is Dylan!

He's a spring breaker from, Bend, Oregon?

- Yep.

- From Bend, Oregon!

- Hey guys. How's it going?

(everyone greets Dylan cheerfully)

How's it going?

Thank you for that, I appreciate it.

- You're welcome.

- Kinda appreciate it. - Yep, no problem.

Well, you seem happier.

You were pretty down earlier.

- Yeah, sorry about that.

- No, it's good.

How long were you with that girl, anyway?

- Do you mind if we don't talk about my girlfriend tonight?

- Did you say

that your name

was Chillin?

- Dylan, this is Captain Jack,

he's our DD.

- Is this guy fucking serious?

He's your DD?

- Designated drinker.

- Ah. - Yeah.

- Gotcha.

- Don't mind him,

he has a couple of loose screws.

Plus he's like 35 and still thinks he's in high school.

- Alright, cool. Good to know, thank you.

Thanks for the warning.

Is everything okay?

- Fuck yeah!

- Um, you wanna get out of here?

- I just got here.

- Yeah, um, let's take a drive.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- Cool.

("Comin' In Hot" ny Hollywood Undead)

Can you bring the cup with you?

- I'll drive you!

I'll drive! (yells)

* I'm gonna chase this whiskey with Patron *

* I wanna girl in my lap with a Jagerbomb *

* I'm comin' in hot, ya heard me *

* And I'ma make it rain on the girl who serves me *

* I drink a fifth of vodka til it's gone *

* And if it feels so good than it can't be wrong *

* I'm comin' in hot, ya heard me *

* We keep takin' shots, and if not, you nerdy *

- My boy.

How we doing?

- Good.

Dons?

- Yeah?

- What's a cunnilingus?

- Sounds like some kind of sea monster.

- Yeah, a sea monster.

- It hurts, doesn't it?

- Feels like it's gonna explode.

- That's good. That's good.

That's what you want it to do, explode.

Explode all over the place.

So, you're ready for this or what?

Sure looks like your Johnson is.

Hello.

So here's what you're gonna do.

You take Mindy into the back room.

That's where Dons lost his virginity

when he was seven.

- Seven?

- Or 11.

Then you do what Dons would do,

you take charge.

What would Dons do?

- Eat a taco?

- That's right. And?

- Pound.

- Pound.

Good answer. Good answer, Maxi!

Tonight's the night, my boy.

You're gonna do this!

I think you're ready. Now,

you're gonna put that blue powdered hard on,

girthy motherfucker (whistles)

to good use

and you make Dons proud.

Go get her, Maxi.

- Hey Dons?

- Yeah?

- Think you can call me Maximus.

- Yeah, Maximus.

("Hotel Room" by Mest)

* I'm all alone in this hotel room. *

* The fear inside of me is uncontrollable *

* I hear the cops see the sun the sky is blue *

* And all I can think about is being with you. *

- Hi. I'd like to order room service.

A cheeseburger, hold the meat.

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, yeah,

hold the meat.

Hold the meat.

Take 30 minutes?

Oh, um,

our TV's a little fuzzy,

can you send someone to fix it?

Hello?

(vacuum roars)

Excuse me, oh maid?

Oh maid?

Fuck it.

(grunts and moans)

- Maintenance, having trouble with your TV?

- Room service! No meat just like you requested.

(grunts in pleasure)

(chill and mellow rock music)

- Most people who visit don't get to see it like this.

- Too many lights?

- Too many boobs.

- Ah.

My buddy Billy

would say that there's no such thing as too many boobs.

- Well he must be in heaven.

- He is, he is.

So why you come out here?

- Those.

- [Dylan] What do you think about?

- When I was 15, my dad died in a car accident.

- I'm sorry.

- And we lost it,

I mean everyone just lost it.

And then one night,

I came out here and

they were still there.

I don't know, it's something about the consistency.

Makes things we see seem less severe somehow.

And I think things are just as important as we make them.

Your turn!

- I play baseball.

And my coach thinks that I should always

be hitting the ball on the ground,

like beat the throw to first.

But

I don't know, sometimes I just want to take a fucking swing.

You know?

- Yeah.

- And who knows what could happen?

I mean, yeah, I might strike out,

but maybe I bomb it, maybe I hit a home run.

Maybe something new happens.

I just wanna take a fucking swing, you know?

Strike out.

- Yeah, like if I wanna throw volleyballs at sad,

lonely looking guys, then I will.

'Cause fuck it.

- (chuckles) Yeah, exactly.

- And I might strike out, or maybe not.

- I don't think you're gonna strike out,

but you got a point, yeah.

(chuckles) Fuck it.

- Fuck it! - Yeah.

Fucking fuck it.

- Hey, do you wanna like hang out with me this week?

Me and my friends,

we have like these spring break traditions.

It always ends in a big camping trip,

campfire, S'mores, the whole thing.

- Yeah, I like S'mores.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. Yeah, I mean fuck it.

(moves into funky and vibrant music)

- Mindy?

Do you know what cunnilingus is?

- Of course!

Cunnilingus is an oral sex act

performed by a person on the female genitalia,

the clitoris, vulva, or other parts of the vagina.

Basically, it's you eating my pussy.

Don't worry, I'll teach you.

- Oh shit.

- Right now.

(lips kisses skin softly)

(Max whistles awkwardly)

(moves into bumping rap music)

- Dear lord,

or Shaboobamon,

creator of my favorite adult website, titsamazing.com.

Whichever one of you is listening,

please give my two tiny little balls

the power of a mighty third

so that I may tell Amber how I feel about her.

And if she requites my love,

I promise to never look at another boob again

as long as I shall live.

Okay, maybe like never. Like one per day.

Or per hour.

That's real nice, okay?

Oh!

And pretty please

just let me see Amber's nips

just once before I leave this world.

Just a little slip of the nip is all I ask.

A nip slip.

The tip of the nip.

The tip of her nip on that cliff.

Shaboobamon, the last part was more for you.

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

- How are you doing?

Great.

- What?

- My phone is dead.

- Good. You won't need it this week.

- Yeah, but I gotta let my friends know what I'm doing.

- I'm sure they'll be fine.

- I just don't know if it's safe to be

left alone out here though.

- They're big boys, right?

- I guess, I guess. I don't know.

("Take Me Away (Cried Out To Heaven)" by Mest)

Ah fuck it.

* I never wanted it to be this way *

* Crashing down like the pouring rain *

* Lying still in my blood-stained clothes *

* Is this the ending that no one knows *

* Is this the ending that no one knows *

* Is this the ending that no one knows *

(moves into depressing piano and accordion music)

(moves into "Take Me Away (Cried Out To Heaven)")

* I cried out to heaven when I thought I lost myself *

* I cried out to heaven when I thought I lost myself *

* Myself

(men sing inarticulately)

- Are you all alone?

("Take Me Away (Cried Out To Heaven)")

* How can I live if you know

* I lost my faith long ago

* Ripped and torn from the inside out *

* Reminded of what I used to doubt *

* Letting go and I'll fly away

(moves into depressing piano and accordion music)

- What's this guy doing on my course?

(moves into "Take Me Away (Cried Out To Heaven)")

* I cried out to heaven when I thought I lost myself *

* I cried out to heaven when I thought I lost myself *

(Captain Jack screams in fear)

* Myself

* How can I live if you know

* I lost my faith long ago

* I think it's time to let go

- [Everyone] Mazel tov!

(group applauds)

- This is it.

- This is it? This is the surprise?

- Mmmhmm, surprise!

- It's a nice view.

- Yeah.

So you're ready?

- What?

(Sarah screams excitedly)

(water splashes)

- You expect me to do that?

- Hell yeah!

You gotta surrender yourself to life's challenges

or you'll never experience it!

- Okay. Uh.

Alright. Come on.

Oh shit!

(water splashes)

Oh!

(laughs excitedly)

That was awesome.

I can't believe I did that.

- It was amazing, right?

- Yeah, yeah. You're amazing.

(Captain Jack screams gibberish)

(water splashes)

Where he go?

He was with us the whole time?

- Yeah.

- (gargles) Oh, oh!

(speaks gibberish)

(Captain Jack freaks out)

* I never wanted it to be this way *

(Captain Jack mumbles a song to a guitar tune)

* There's a girl full of joy

* There's a boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy *

* Boy full of boy

- Nice! Nice Captain Jack, that was awesome.

- So you're leaving soon, I hope?

You had fun at least, right?

- Yeah, uh,

yeah I'm leaving in the next couple of days.

But I don't really want to.

It's been amazing.

- Yeah, I heard it rains a lot in Oregon.

That must suck.

- [Guy Just Arriving] Hey guys, what's going on?

- Jeff!

Um, this is--

- I'm Jeff, and you are?

- This is Dylan, he's from out of town.

- You're gonna treat me like this?

This is what I get?

This is what I deserve.

- Jeff, come here.

Look, it's okay.

No need to freak out, okay?

I'm gonna be getting some friends.

- Everything okay?

- "Is everything okay?"

- I just said that.

- "I just said that."

- Are you serious?

- "Are you serious?"

Hey, why don't you beer me bro?

- Look everyone, I'm in the fourth grade.

- "Look everybody, I'm in the fourth grade."

- Dylan.

- What?

- I'm sorry.

(sighs) I'm sorry.

- It's okay. Come here.

It's okay, it's not your fault.

- This is a touching song

that will touch your hearts

the way my dad used to touch me.

* I

* Had sex

* With a Amanda

* She was my sister

(calm and relaxing music)

(engine rumbles)

- Will you please say something?

- Yeah, thanks for the ride.

- It's not what you think, okay? He's my b--

- What do you want me to say?

What? That I like you?

That I really, really like you?

That I had an amazing time with you this week

for the first time in,

(sighs) you know what, fuck it.

- Dylan, wait!

(moves into smooth and sensual guitar and bass music)

- Jesus, man!

What the fuck have you been doing in here?

Looks like someone's been partying a little bit, huh?

- Oh yeah. Been partying, alright.

Where the fuck have you been?

You know what? I don't even wanna know.

You were probably out boning that hot little college chick

while I'm in here with a giant loner boner

because Amber's off with some Hashtag douchebag muscle head

who wears a straight billed hat!

- I'm sorry man. Alright, that sucks.

- Yeah, it fucking sucks.

I mean you and Maxi just left me.

I don't even know where he is!

He's probably dead!

The Backyard Beauty is just gone,

don't ask.

And I could've really used the support

of my best friend.

- I texted you, letting you know what I was doing.

I thought that you would be happy for me.

- Yeah, never received any text from you

and I'm just so happy for you.

You know what?

I'm gonna go try and find our most likely dead best friend

and get us the fuck outta here.

- That's the bathroom.

- I had to take a shit but I can't!

You frustrate the shit out of me!

(birds chirp)

- So Maxi wrote us a note.

Found it under the pizza box.

It says "Hey guys, I'm losing it,"

exclamation mark, signed Maximus, XOXO.

Think we should be worried?

- He's losing it?

Man he lost it a long time ago.

Called the sheriff's office

but the girl there was kind of a nut job.

- Look, I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later, alright?

He added a P.S.

"I got you guys a little something-something.

"I hid them in the closet," with another exclamation mark.

- Of course he hid it in the closet.

He hides himself in the closet.

(Dylan laughs)

Such a thoughtful virgin.

- Yeah.

So it turns out that the freshman has a boyfriend.

- Shit, man!

- Look, I'm sorry I left you behind alright?

I shouldn't have done that.

I don't know, I guess I suck like Katy.

Sorry, lick.

- You do.

You do.

- I know.

I know.

(soft but happy guitar music)

- Damn,

I didn't have the balls to be the man that she deserves.

- No, fuck that man.

Alright? That's not how we're gonna go out, alright?

We're gonna go back to town

and we're not gonna leave

until you tell Amber how you feel about here.

Alright? Look.

When everyone's walking into first period, alright?

When everyone's walking into school,

who's the first person they hear

cheering them up on the radio?

You, right? This guy!

This little face, right here! Huh?

When you didn't wanna do the same thing

for every spring break

and you decided to mastermind this whole spring bro-cation,

who was the one who got me and Maxi out here

and got me out of town when I was upset with my girlfriend?

Billy! Billy, Jesus fucking Christ!

Why are you still carrying those around?

Whatever, that's besides the point alright?

When Amber walks into biology class

and she wants to laugh and have a good time

'cause she sit next to you?

- Biology Billy.

- Biology fucking Billy! Exactly!

That's what I'm talking about, alright?

So enough with this procrasterbating in our hotel room,

which I've never seen before,

and you should check that out.

We're gonna go back out there

and we're gonna start this bro-cation up

like we intended to, alright?

The way we started to. Are you with me?

Come on man, don't--

- I forgive you!

- Yes! Yes!

He's back on the team! Alright!

Are those your balls in my bellybutton?

- Yes they are. (smooches)

("War Child" by Hollywood Undead)

* I like to get my fucking fade on *

* I'm feeling sexy, I'm like "ooh" *

* Then haters try to get they hate on *

* But I'm too sexy, I'm like "ooh" *

- So how do you plan on finding Amber?

- My Bone-ar, Dylan. My Bone-ar.

- Alright, I forgot.

So now you just gotta follow that shit, right?

- Yeah. I will.

I will--

Dude.

- What?

- No, don't sit down. Don't sit down.

No no no no.

- Just take my shoes off.

- Don't you wanna go to the party?

- Hey you!

Get your damn hands off her, man!

(giggles oddly)

- That's a good BTTF reference,

it's a pretty good movie.

- Stop being such a creepy stalker ex-boyfriend.

You need to get over me.

I'm with the DJ now.

- I didn't follow you out here.

- I am way too pretty for you!

(vomits uncontrollably)

Look what you made me do!

- I'll leave you alone.

- That's right. Walk away dog.

- Alright, I will walk away, Snoop.

- Hey here,

let me help you out with this.

- No, don't. Seriously?

No. (groans in disgust)

That's fucking gross, man.

- Yeah, it's gross.

- Alright guys, it's time to go.

- [Katy] What are you doing?

- Come on.

- What are you doing? No, stop it!

- I'm DJ Tanner, man!

You don't see my banner?

- Dilly, save me!

I'll lick your dick!

Dilly, I'll do it. I'll lick it.

I'll lick the whole thing!

Dilly!

- Welp, that took care of her huh?

- I love you, man.

- Hey, just doing our jobs.

As chaperons.

- That's true!

- Hey! It's Biology Billy!

- Michelle?

- What are you doing here?

- Leopard boat? Havasu Sleeper?

- I love leopards. (giggles)

- Okay, have you seen Amber anywhere?

- Oh yeah! She was asking about you!

Here, come with me!

- She was?

- Yeah, silly!

We're about to go watch the DJ spin his laptop.

If you hurry, you can!

- I can?

- Yes, Billy! Just come!

Come!

- [Billy] I'm coming!

- [Woman On Phone] Hello?

- Hello?

(woman on phone speaks in foreign language)

- [Man On Phone] Hello? Hello?

- Yeah hello. Is this the sheriff's station?

- [Sarah] Hey!

- What are you doing here?

- I need a chance to explain.

- You don't have to explain.

Okay? You don't owe me an explanation.

It was my fault, alright?

I knew, I knew that something was wrong,

and I just went along with it anyway, okay?

So you don't owe me anything.

I just don't know what you want from me.

- Wow.

Okay.

Remember when I told you about how my dad died?

- It was a car crash, right?

- Jeff was the one driving the car.

It might be a little messed up,

but he is my brother, not my boyfriend.

- Sarah, wait.

(yelps in surprise) Shit man!

- Looks like you owe Sarah an apology.

- I know.

- Get out of here, man. Go and find her!

- I will!

- And take this.

- It's apple juice?

- Orange juice.

And it's freshly squeezed.

- [Both] Freshly squeezed and organic.

- And organic.

- I get it.

- Hey guys! Look, it's Biology Billy!

- Oh hey, Billy!

- Oh look! It's our little buddy!

Buddy the elf!

Yeah, we're glad to see you. Yeah!

Yo, the Cashtag is staying for the playing.

- Hey, you can't call a small person an elf!

This isn't the North Pole.

- Oh no, it is the North Pole, Michelle.

- Hey Cashtag?

Can I talk to you over there for a second?

Just a little walk and talk man?

- Alright?

- Cool. I really like necklace man.

- [Cashtag] Cool. Thank you.

- Alright.

- You gotta help us get away from this guy.

- I'm trying. - Cashtag?

- He's so weird.

- Oh yeah, nice try pussypants.

- Who are you calling pussypants, pussypants!

- Oh! Hashtag!

Bitch fell!

- Why don't you Hashtag this?

(grunts in fury)

(Hashtag yells in pain)

- Hashtag, broke dick.

- Hashtag, say hi to your vagina for me.

(blows on Hashtag)

I'm so sorry, Lauren.

- It's all good.

- Hashtag Biology Billy, bitch!

- Biology, bitch!

- Hashtag, why you gotta be such a dick?

Just be cool!

- No dick cool!

- Hashtag, I love Amber Andrews!

- I love Amber Andrews!

(smooth and emotional music)

Amber,

I know I don't have a super cool name like Cashtag,

or an even cooler necklace to back it up.

But I've been in love with you

for as long as I can remember.

And I promised myself I wouldn't leave here

without telling you how--

- You should've found your balls

a long time ago.

- I should've. I--

- Don't talk.

- Okay.

(moves into soft ambient music)

- So.

I'm an asshole.

- Yeah, you're an asshole.

- I'm sorry that I didn't let you explain yourself.

I guess,

I was dealing with my own stuff.

But

I had an amazing time with you this week

and I know that I don't deserve anything from you,

and I know that

you can say no,

but

is there any chance I can maybe get another shot at it?

- Yeah.

I mean,

it's my fault too.

I love my brother and I would do anything for him but

I don't handle him the right way most of the time.

And that's not fair to him or me.

So I'm sorry too.

I like you Dylan.

- I'm gonna kiss you now. Is that okay?

- Yes please.

(moves into sweet and triumphant music)

(bell rings)

- Hi. How's it going?

- Hi.

- Can you help us find a friend?

- Does he work here?

- Uh, well he's not a cop.

- Did you try to call him?

- Oh he left his cell phone in our hotel room

so he doesn't have his phone on him.

- Did you call him with his phone?

- Did I call him with his own phone?

- Or you can call him with your phone.

- Look, I'm sorry.

We seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot here.

Could you just ask one of your colleagues in the back

if they can help us find our friend please?

- No!

Please fill out this form, please.

- Okay.

Here you go.

- (clears throat) We got a Max Seapad,

age 18 from Bend, Oregon.

- Yeah, that's him.

- Hey Manuel?

- Yes, I'm back here.

- Do you have a Max Seapad back there?

- Oh, that is somebody's name?

- Yeah.

(officers laugh)

Yeah.

- No.

But we do have a couple of kids,

still passed out in their holding cages.

- Captain Jack?

- Wait,

you know Tyrese Jackson?

- Tyrese Jackson?

- Who's Tyrese Jackson?

- Aka Captain Jack.

- Did you know his name was Tyrese Jackson?

- Makes sense, Jack.

- We used to be best friends.

Now he don't recognize me no more.

So every now and then

I bring him into the station.

And this way,

I get to see an old

pal of mine.

- That's an interesting story, Manuel!

- Look, so there's no one here named Maxi or Max?

- Well,

I don't know.

But there are some people in these cades

over there.

- Katy?

Is that you?

- Dylan? Dilly!

Dilly-boo!

Oh you came back for me!

I just knew you would!

- I take it that this is the infamous

ex-girlfriend of yours?

- Yeah, it is.

- Yeah, it makes sense.

- Who's this?

- Glad you asked!

Katy, this is Sarah.

(whines)

And Sarah is awesome.

- What?

- And you're not.

You kinda suck, actually. So--

- That's right. She does suck.

Don't you Kathy?

- It's Katy!

- Actually she doesn't suck, at all.

And you'll realize that sooner or later,

so we're just gonna let you get back to that.

Kathy, great to see you again.

DJ, have a good one.

- Dilly? Dilly-boo?

Dilly?

Dilly!

- [Michelle] Ooh, is that a truck?

- [Billy] Any luck?

- No, no Maxi.

But we did find someone else nice and locked up.

Thanks to you.

- No way man!

That's awesome!

(loud and ballerific club music)

- Well dude, I mean. I guess we gotta go?

- I don't know.

I gotta get this back to the Peterson, you know?

Where's that virgin?

(engine revs loudly)

- [Dylan] Is that a fucking time machine?

- [Billy] What the fucking shit balls?

- [Amber] Is that?

- [Billy] Maxi?

(music blares out of car)

- What's up, motherfuckers?

It's Maximus, Mad Maximus now.

Fuck you very much.

- Dude! You're alive!

(guys cheer)

Oh my God! We thought you were dead!

- Where the fuck have you been, man?

- Having sex, all week long.

- [Billy] Get outta here! That's amazing!

- Oh Billy, guess what?

- What?

- [Max] I know what cunnilingus is now.

And it is awesome.

Awesome!

Oh, and speaking of Mindy's vag,

y'all remember Mindy, right?

- Yeah, hi.

From Beware Of Tits, right?

Alright, how's it going?

- Um, well I'm a little tired.

Mad Maximus has a lot of stamina.

- Dude, you left this in our room.

We've been looking for you all weekend.

- Thanks man.

Is that?

- Yeah, it's Amber Andrews.

- What the fuck did I miss?

- From the looks of it, not much man.

What is this? A new haircut?

- Yeah, it's Mad Max's style now.

- Looks good, man.

- Fuck, Lake Havasu where your dreams come true.

I know, don't talk.

- No no, no. Do talk.

Love where your head's at right now.

- Whatever man, we're just glad to have you back.

But getting ready to hit the road.

You ready? Sorry we gotta take your man away from you.

- Oh, it's okay.

I plan on seeing Max again real soon.

(kisses passionately)

- Oh, okay. - Wow.

- Please back up a little bit.

- [Billy] Okay.

- [Dylan] In fact, gimme some space.

- Alright, we can go.

- Hey you, get over here.

- [Dylan] Me?

- I'm gonna go (mumbles).

(phone rings)

What?

- (chuckles) Guess who's calling me from jail?

(energetic and happy guitar music)

- No, really?

- Yeah. (phone beeps)

(laughs)

Gonna let her sweat this one out.

So annoying.

"Dilly!" Hate when she calls you that. Fuck.

- I love you.

- I know.

- Come on, fuckers!

Let's hit the highway!

- Thank you, Shaboobamon.

I'll feed this in.

* And all we want is a little bit of free *

* And I just wish you had more patience with me *

* And I was gonna be the first boy you see *

- Have a great time.

Guess whose beaver's going to State next year.

- This is the best day of my life.

- [Dylan Voiceover] My name is Dylan Green.

And I just had the time of my--

- [Max Voiceover] Shh. Don't talk.

- [Billy Voiceover] Yeah, don't talk Dylan.

- [Dylan Voiceover] Okay.

* And your burned neck was just a metaphor for flying *

* And I didn't want to leave your side at night *

* But I'm leaving, it's all the *

(moves into intense heavy metal music)

- [Dylan] Hello?

- [Max] Ronathan? You here?

Uncool Ronathan?

- Yeah?

Who are you boys?

And what do you want with me?

- We're the guys who rented your boat, man.

- Bullshit.

I never forget a name,

or face.

- Well, really sorry about this man.

But we can't seem to locate--

- Your website on the internet?

(mumbles)

Here, take my business card.

- [Ronathan] I already got one of them websites.

- No you don't.

- Alright.

- [Billy] You good? Cool?

- Yes, we're good.

- Yeah, so we're gonna go.

Good luck with the website.

That will help you a lot.

- Love your work.

And we'll see you, see you later.

- Max! Maxi!

- Where's my boat, boy?

- Fuck your boat.

- [Ronathan] Yeah, fair enough.

- Give me some.

- Where's my boat, boy?

Shit.

- Did you get everything you wanted out of them boys?

- Fuck you.

("Take Me Away (Cried Out To Heaven)" by Mest)

- [Cameraman] Highway To Havasu, scene 26, take two.

(clapperboard claps)

- Dylan! Wait!

Dilly! I'll lick it!

- [Billy] Aw, don't dude.

(Billy and Dylan moans in disapproval)

- [Dylan] You missed a spot.

- No shit.

- [Billy] Yes shit. There's shit on your lip.

- [Dylan] A lot of shit.

- Yeah, there is shit on my lip.

So?

Fuck, so nasty.

(squawks weirdly)

- You sound like a raptor.

- Raptors are cool.

Jurassic Park was a favorite film of my--

(guys burst in laugher)

- Hey Manuel?

- Yes?

- Should we order some lunch?

- I did! What are we eating today?

- He's learned.

- That's nice. See he put the lip over.

And the tongue.

- What are you, a boxing commentator?

- Yeah, it's nice.

Really like what he's doing.

- Can we just enjoy this?

We don't have to talk about it.

- Fine.

- "So my ship is over in like 17 hours.

"You wanna, maybe, I don't know,

"go get some food or something or?"

- "Absolutely.

"I got my first boner last week, it was great."

What the f--

- Whoa.

Is your boy messing with my girl over there?

- [Dylan] No, they're just talking.

- [Dons] They're just chatting, huh?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Is there something on my feet?

- Is that cum?

- Goddamn it, it happened again.

(Dylan giggles) Fuck!

- Can we do that again?

(everyone burst into laughter)

- Hey remember!

You're only as gay as the guy giving you head.

What are you, German U-Boat man?

You ever tongue punch a fart box before?

- [Johnathan] Who gives a shit? I eat pussy for breakfast.

- You also eat Kit Kats?

- [Johnathan] Yeah, pussycat.

- (snickers) I'm sorry.

(everyone laughs)

- How you doing down there Little Dons?

You think Jeff Janke fucks like he directs?

That'd be awesome.

(everyone laughs)

(ice cream machine hums)

- Oh fuck.

(everyone laughs)

I did it the right way.

Look how perfect this cone is!

- That's where Dons lost his virginity.

When I was eight! (chuckles)

I'm just kidding. Am I?

Youth group. Anyway.

Fuck, that does make sense.

(everyone laughs)

- And cigarettes.

- [Johnathan] Pussy say a cat.

- Would you like to see some identification, Dons?

- No no no no no.

You don't need to see any identification, Dons.

- It's nice, isn't it?

- It's very nice.

- I think he would like to see identification, right Don?

- It sucks when you make ponds of cum in your bellybutton.

- That's okay, I swim around in that shit.

- Alright.

- I think we're already in the door

and we don't need to show any identification, Dons.

- Maybe somebody worked very hard

on that identification, Dons.

- Maybe no one cares.

- You wanna come too?

- I wanna come.

- Oh my gosh, you want to come?

- That's where I draw the line.

* People all over the world

- That's it.

* Join hands

You're a man now, Maxi.

* Start a fuck train, a fuck train *

- It's Maximus.

- Say her name!

- [Dons] Come with me.

- That was so live!

- Bye Maxi.

- Maximus!

Woo!

Where are we going?

(everyone laughs)

- [Man] Okay.

(everyone claps and cheers)