Original subtitles

I'll put it down. Okay.

Okay. Thank you very much.

Okay. Bye, bye.

Ahh!

Ah.

Oh, awesome.

It's Sarah Getz, Reunion Co-Chair.

I just checked, and there's no Sid Straw

on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.

You're not even on LinkedIn. Are you a real person?

Assuming you are, you need to get on social media pronto.

All of our coordinating will be done on Facebook.

It is going to be epic.

Duncan Lambert.

You have not aged a day since college.

- You haven't. - I know.

Then I saw your name on Facebook,

and I was like, come on.

What a perfect time to get back in touch.

I'm so surprised that you are the co-chair.

Yeah. Of the Penn Reunion. Isn't that cool?

- The West Coast Reunion. - The West Coast Reunion, yeah.

Wow.

You know, when I saw you on Facebook...

Yeah.

I just assumed that you had, you know, be married by now.

No, I've had...

I've had a bit of a dry spell with the ladies.

- You know what, get the apps. - I can't do the apps.

Swipe the swipes.

That stresses me out big time.

Do you know, I was thinking today,

what was the name of the character

that you always called me during our college improvs?

- Christopher P. Bacon. - That's it! That's it!

I was trying to think of it, and I couldn't remember it.

That was so fun, man. That was so fun.

Those days are over.

No, we should do that again.

- We should, that was fun. - We should do that again.

- That was fun. - That was fun.

- I want more fun. - Do you have my number?

- Facebook, buddy. - Facebook. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Facebook. You can expense this, right?

Yes. Of course I can expense this.

- Great. - Yes, yes, yes.

I'll send you... I guess you can send a message

on there or something,

and we can-we can figure something out.

- Yes. - Yeah. That's...

- Yes! - This is fun.

This is fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Holla.

Hi, Sid.

I suppose you like your coffee strong and black.

I was in this comedy improv group in college,

and we used to do this bit

where I would say a word that clearly wasn't racist,

but then it was kind of close enough.

I get the gist. You almost done?

Yeah, the key is to catch what comes out

in the first three and a half seconds.

And then the rest of just brown water.

You mind? I have a conference call in five.

No, no, no, no. Good, good, good.

I'm just gonna. There we go.

Hey, I saw you were on Facebook, actually.

I just signed up.

Should I friend you?

I have this new policy where I keep

my Facebook separate from coworkers.

Oh. I saw Bruce on there, though.

- Bruce is not a coworker. - Mm-hmm.

- He's-he's the boss, so... - Uh-huh.

I saw Burke and Jeanne, though, too.

Yeah, they were already friends of mine

before I implemented the policy.

Uh-huh. Well, that's probably good.

It's good to keep the focus on what we have here.

- Right. - Yeah. Yeah.

- And I'm just gonna go... - Yeah. Yeah.

- There. - Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, I'm right behind you. I'll just grab my pods.

Wow.

Look at you. Look at you.

Oh, that's so cool.

No way.

That's me.

Hey, Jeanne.

Did I ever tell you that I was friends

with someone famous in college?

- Really? - Yeah, I want you to guess.

Okay? She's my age. Obviously.

And she's a classic beauty. And I do know her.

- Heather Locklear. - No.

How old do you think I am?

However old Heather Locklear is.

Okay, no, I'm gonna give another hint.

She's a pitch perfect actress.

Ew, Anna Kendrick could be your daughter.

No, not Anna. Do you think I look like Anna?

No.

All right. One more hint.

She has a Wyldstyle, with a Y.

You were friends with Elizabeth Banks?

Yes! We went to Penn together.

- And she knows who you are. - Yeah.

I mean, I think she does. Look, look at this.

Look. Look. Look. Look.

Did you take a picture of your computer screen?

Yeah.

That doesn't even look like you.

No, that's me. Look, look, look, look, that's me.

Can I go back to work now, please?

Yeah. Hey, did I get any mail?

No.

Are you sure it didn't go to Sam Holler again?

- I don't know. - Okay.

Dear Elizabeth.

You may or may not remember me,

but we were classmates at Penn before you went off

to Hollywood to become an actress.

See if this rings a bell.

I dated your sorority sister Tracey Swid sophomore year.

Do you remember her? Brown hair, brown eyes.

She used to bleach the hair over her lip?

And then she did that Wonder Wax infomercial

and broke up with me.

That's so weird. She was on TV before you.

But, I mean, you surpassed her, of course.

Hey, I got some exciting news, though.

I am officially the co-chair

of the West Coast Penn Reunion,

and I want to cordially invite you

to the big event in the fall.

Go Quakers!

Sincerely, Sid Straw.

Oh, P.S. I got a date tonight.

I'm hoping to maybe bring her to the reunion.

Fingers crossed.

I'm a regular here.

- I kind of thought so. - Yeah.

I feel bad 'cause I brought you to a place

that I feel comfortable with on our first date.

No, first dates are always weird.

No matter what.

My pits just sweat when I'm nervous.

Feel my hands.

Oh! Your hands are sweaty.

I'm pretty wet, aren't I?

Oh, sorry.

I have this trick at work.

Whenever I have to shake someone's hand,

I just make sure to have a cold drink in my hand.

Oh, cools it... it's like, that cools it...

- yeah, I get it. - No one notices.

That's really smart. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Let me tell you something about Sid.

If he's as generous in bed as he's at tipping,

then we're both in for a disappointing night.

Just kidding.

- Wendy. - Yeah?

Do you guys really tow all the cars

- that are left behind? - No.

And Sid lives within walking distance.

Y'all good?

Wendy, could you deflower that virgin Margarita for me?

Yes, I will Davy Crockett this bitch.

- Thank you. - No problem.

What does "Davy Crockett this bitch" mean?

I was worried that you would know.

Was he an alcoholic or was he...?

Well, it sounds like he was a predator.

Thank you.

Okay.

Sorry.

Oh, sorry. No, it's this...

- it's this nap pillow. - Oh.

I wear it... I wear it to help me sleep sometimes.

See?

I have a spare if you want to try it.

- Oh, no thanks. I'm good. - Okay.

[grunts[

It's actually pretty comfortable.

Mm.

Do you want to stay over or...

I mean, no pressure. I've got a... but I've got a...

I have a spare toothbrush.

Thank you. I would.

But I-I have to let my dogs out.

Who let your dogs out?

Do you want me to bark?

No. No. You don't have to. No.

- I will. - Okay.

- Do it again. - Okay.

Who will let your dogs out?

Arf. Arf. Arf. Arf. Arf.

They're Shih Tzus.

That's good.

I'll call you tomorrow. Mm-hmm.

Dear Elizabeth. More good news!

I changed my status to "in a relationship."

Her name is Kate,

and I really hope you can meet her at the reunion.

Oh, I just remembered something

you used to do in college that made me smile.

Whenever somebody used to say "goodbye," you would wave,

and you would say, "Eat Wheaties!"

Do you remember that? Do you still do that?

I'm imagining you telling J.K. Simmons

to "Eat Wheaties!" on the set of "Spiderman 2"

and then him getting really mad

like he did with that kid who played the drums.

Only of course he's pretending, 'cause he's a great actor.

You know what I'm saying?

Anyways, I know you're busy, so eat Wheaties!

Sid.

Hey! Tommy Tom.

Hey, guess who's gonna be at the...

No, Tom's busy.

- What do you want, Sid? - Oh, hey, Janet.

Gosh, if you're asking, I'd love to be the godfather

of your child, who I imagine is gonna be...

Please don't tell another bad joke, okay?

I'm already nauseous.

No, no, no, no. Don't go. Don't go.

Hey, I want to get Tom something nice

for his birthday. Do you have any ideas?

Here's a great idea. Stop calling.

Okay, I can't...

I can't just stop calling, Janet.

I'm hanging up.

You're allowed to make bad jokes, but he can't?

It wasn't a joke.

One day, you're gonna laugh

about what happened at the wedding.

You just focus on the bassinet, okay?

Dear Elizabeth.

It's my brother's birthday coming up,

and I thought of the perfect gift:

an autographed photo from you.

Huh?

It's weird, but for some reason,

no one ever believes that we were friends in college.

Oh, random, but do you remember I was in that comedy

improv troop Bootie and the Hoefish?

Eat Wheaties! Sid.

Call Kate, my girlfriend.

Calling Katelyn Just A Friend.

Okay. Uh, hmm.

Hi. This is Katelyn. Leave a message.

Hi Katelyn. Sid Straw. Funny story.

I meant to call Kate, my girlfriend,

which is how her name is saved in my phone,

but the voice command thought I said,

"Katelyn, just a friend,"

which is what you put in my phone after our date.

So actually, come to think of it,

you were pretty insistent on us just being friends,

so maybe we should grab lunch sometime.

Okay, give me a call and we can schedule something.

Okay, bye.

Call Kate, my girlfriend.

Calling Katelyn Just A Friend.

Uh, hmm.

Hi. This is Katelyn. Leave a message.

Hi, Katelyn. Sid Straw again.

I'm all for hands-free devices, but WTF, right?

I'm free for lunch tomorrow, if you want to give me a call.

Okay, bye.

Call Kate, my girlfriend.

Calling Ray's Skate Land.

Okay.

Dear Elizabeth.

The reason I'm sending this letter to your agent...

hi, Frankie... is because I heard it's the best way

to reach a huge star like you.

Do you remember when we took Intro to Sociology together

with Professor Katz?

Those were great times.

I hate to be a nuisance, but would it be possible

for you or Frankie or Frankie's assistant

to stick a signed photo of you in the mail?

I would owe you or Frankie or Frankie's assistant,

if she has one, a massive favor.

I'm hoping to still see you at the reunion.

You might not recognize me, 'cause I've been working out.

Sincerely, Sid Straw.

Dear Elizabeth, Frankie, and Frankie's assistant.

I know you're all very busy,

but I haven't received the photo yet.

If you could please send one ASAP,

I would really appreciate it.

Sincerely, Sid Straw.

Hey, Sam, I don't mean to bother you,

but did you get any of my mail today by chance?

No way.

Oh, my gosh.

I think this is it. I think this is it.

Ohh.

Look. Look. Look. Look. Look.

I know her. We went to college together.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Is that a smudge?

Oh, no.

WAA, Frankie Riceborough's office.

Is this about a movie or a TV show?

Script pitch?

Did the new Fallon tweet go viral?

Well, he has 50 million followers.

I'm sure some of them watched it.

What is the definition of viral anyway?

Does it have to hit, like, a certain number, or...?

I don't know.

Do you remember the guy Sid Straw?

The guy that keeps asking for autographed photographs

of Elizabeth Banks?

Only because you keep telling me.

Right, the photo that we sent him was smudged.

Oh, it was smudged.

Okay, well, I talked to marketing, and he was right.

Somebody spilled water over the whole stack.

How many letters did this guy send?

- A few. - And now he's calling?

Okay, we have a new policy.

Zero tolerance for client harassment.

Okay, well, technically, he's calling us, not her.

Okay, after this, if there's one more peep from this wacko,

I want our lawyers to get a restraining order.

Okay, well, I don't think it's harassment.

I mean, he says he's a close acquaintance

of Elizabeth Banks.

There is no such thing.

Well, they went to Penn together.

He dated her sister.

Sarah dated him?

Oh no, her... her sorority sister.

Tracey Swid.

Okay. One more peep, and I'll... I'll call legal.

- Hey, Sid. - Hey. Sam-I-am.

"Green Eggs and Ham." That's a good one, yeah.

No, the Sammy Hagar song.

Okay. Cool.

Oh, gosh, why does it keep coming to you?

That's silly.

Yes! Yes! No smudges!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Look. Look. Look. Look. Look. Look. Look.

- Wow. - Ah!

Hey, Jeanne, I need a favor.

Do you think you could write this

to make it look like her handwriting, with this?

I thought you said you knew her.

I do.

Fine.

Thank you.

Can I have my... thanks.

Did you like my playlist?

Actually, I haven't gotten a chance to listen to it yet.

Oh, you're listening to it now.

Oh.

Um, cool.

Hey, should we stop and maybe

get something to bring to the party?

The e-vite said they were gonna have beer and mixers.

I'm kind of more of a bubbly person,

so maybe we could get some prosecco?

Ooh, prosecco. Wow.

Oh, there's actually a neat little liquor store a block up.

We could just go there.

- Did you want to stop? - Yeah.

Yeah, let's... let's stop and go get some prosecco.

Just right up there.

I think you can actually see the parking lot.

I only like making right turns,

so is it okay if I kind of do a round

- and then come around that way? - Oh, it's... okay, yes.

If you want, you can do a U-turn right here.

- Ooh. That's... - Right...

I'm not great at those.

I am really nervous about Tom's gift.

You know what I do when I'm nervous?

I take a deep breath, and I hold it in.

I just gotta... I gotta fix things with Janet,

or she's never gonna let me see the baby.

And my instinct is to kind of lighten the mood,

but she makes it really, really, really hard.

Hey, did you want me to sign your name on this?

I put some space after Sid, if you want to add "and Kate."

- No. I'm okay. - Okay. Thanks.

- Hey, Mom and Dad. - Sid.

- Hey. - You must be Kate.

Yes. Hi. Thank you for having me.

- Your yard is beautiful. - Oh, thanks.

Is that Kate like Middleton, with a K,

or Cate like Blanchett, with a C?

Okay, nobody spells Cate with a C.

Well, Caitlyn Jenner. That's a C.

- Is she a Cate? No. - What about Cate Blanchett?

You already said Cate Blanchett.

Yeah, but you said nobody spells Cate with a C.

- Nobody except Cate Blanchett. - Well I spell mine with a K.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Oh, well. - Here. I can take those.

- Oh, that's fine. I can... - No. No. No.

- No. No. - Okay.

- Hey, Tom and Janet. - Hey!

I want you to meet my girlfriend Kate.

Girlfriend. Strong word.

Well, I'm a girl and I'm a friend.

Well, it's nice to meet you, Kate.

This is my roommate, Janet.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

Janet. It's so... to see you.

Right.

I got... look at this. I got some words.

Oh boy.

No. Nope.

Sid, no speeches tonight. I'm sorry.

Aww, but it's something to celebrate.

- It's Tom's birthday. - Yeah, it's not happening.

- How about a simple toast? - I brought some bubbly.

- No toasts. No booze. - Out of...

- Right? - Yeah, out of solidarity.

Yeah.

I thought you said there was gonna be

- beer and mixers tonight. - Oh, no, no, no.

I said ginger beer and root beer,

and a lot of... lot of mixers over there.

But, yeah, no alcohol.

But hey, let him give a speech. You'll make it short, right?

Yes, of course, yes.

Okay, yeah, a toast. But no speech.

And can you do it before our friends show up?

- Yes, of course. Of course. - Great.

- We got a deal. - We got a deal.

We made a deal. We made a deal.

We made a deal! We made a deal!

- All right, here we go. - Short and sweet.

So for those of you who don't know me,

I'm Sid, Tom's brother.

As a child, Tom had one annoying habit:

he never lost his temper.

You could yell at him all you want,

much like his wife Janet does...

but he won't argue back.

His best friend Brandon and I tried everything.

We would step on his fingers with cleats.

We would pull out hair from all parts of his body.

You have a sick mind, Brandon.

Brandon was supposed to be here for that one.

So even though Tom may not get mad,

he knows how to get even.

He eats your possessions.

- That's correct. - I mean, it's a perfect crime.

There's no evidence.

Unless it's Mom's breakfast lasagna.

Agh!

It's just a joke, Mom.

Things my brother has eaten.

Numero uno,

a 1983 Dan Quisenberry Strat-O-Matic card.

Do you remember that?

Quiz was unhittable.

But he was not uneatable.

Okay, Sid, let's wrap it up.

Okay. I'll get to the finale.

List of celebrities who died at 34.

Dana Plato from "Diff'rent Strokes."

She was taken from us too soon.

Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer,

who was probably taken from us a little too late.

And outlaw Jesse James, the one who robbed banks,

not the one who robbed Sandra Bullock

of five years of her life.

So congratulations to Tom for surviving 34 years.

If you die this year, at 35 years old,

you will be in much better company,

with Mozart, Andy Kaufman,

and Ol' Dirty Bastard.

- Hear, hear. - Hear.

- Hear, hear. - Hear, hear.

- Love you. - Love you.

- Well, this is from me. - Oh, yeah?

- Us. - Oh.

I bought it.

Well, you used my credit card.

Doesn't matter who bought it.

It's a good one. 18 years old.

Oh, you got a sick mind, Brandon.

It's a call back from his speech earlier.

Thank you, Brandon. Thank you, Allie.

- Here. This is from me. - Ooh.

"Dear Tom, I hope you are as cute as your brother.

Elizabeth Banks."

What? What?

Sid, that's incredible.

My God.

I love it, Sid. Holy cow.

So is that, like, a gag gift?

No, no, she signed it. Look.

Right here. She signed it.

Sid claims that he dated her in college.

I dated her sorority sister.

But do you not have two copies of "Seabiscuit"?

I purchased a DVD of "Seabiscuit"

at the used section of a Blockbuster.

And then I received a complimentary copy

with a new Blu-ray player.

- Ooh. Score. - That's two copies.

- So I'm a casual fan. - And I'm a casual friend.

- That's not a thing. - No, that's a thing.

- I'm pretty sure it's not. - No, it is.

- Nope. - Yeah.

- You sure? - Mm-hmm.

Do you see what I see?

- I think I do. - Yes, you do.

What is it?

I see my girlfriend Kate...

Standing next to your wife Allie.

Yep.

- I don't get it. - I doubt you're missing much.

? Sometimes tears of sorrows ?

? Are all the things I've got ?

Yes.

? Just when you think ?

? You're all by yourself, you're not ?

- ? Ba-da-da-da ? - Up top.

Is that the "Family Ties" theme?

No, not "Family Ties."

It's "Kate & Allie."

- Kate and Allie. - Oh.

- Great show. - Great show.

Underrated show, actually.

Yeah. It was ahead of its time.

It was ahead of its time.

Sid, how'd you get that picture?

I told you. We went to Penn together.

I'm co-chairing the reunion.

My friend Zoey from Harvard works at her talent agency.

I had forgotten you went to Harvard.

You didn't mention it today.

I bet Zoey knows her agent.

Yeah, her name is Frankie Riceborough.

Zoey can ask Frankie to ask Liz is she knows Sid.

- Ooh. - All right.

We'll play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

Two degrees. Would only be two degrees.

If you actually know her.

Come on, we don't have to do this right now.

That's silly.

Just... I mean, just let us know when she gets back to you.

Just tell her I said hi.

Actually, tell her I said "Eat Wheaties!"

She'll remember that.

Oh, I already sent it. So don't worry about it.

- She's writing back. - Uh-oh.

I gotta prop myself up for this one.

Oh. Her agent left.

Oh.

- Oh, bummer. - Damn it.

? Just when you think ?

- ? You're all by yourself ? - ? You're not ?

- Went for it there, huh? - Not.

I went for it.

Mmm. Hey.

I got time to come up for a drink.

You know, I'm actually pretty tired.

Oh, okay. All right.

I think...

I think we need to slow things down.

Like, musically?

Romantically.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

An ex just kind of came back into town,

and I want to see where that goes.

- Yeah. - No hard feelings?

No. No. No. No.

Ooh, your hands are wetter than mine.

Sid, I was so nervous about this conversation.

Oh, that's okay.

Tried to get drunk at your parents' house, I'm sorry.

That's all right. I appreciate your clamminess.

- Take care, Sid. - I will.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

- Good night, Sid. Bye. - Bye, bye.

Good night. Thought we had something.

But I guess we didn't.

Guess we did not.

Is it wrong that I made your birthday party a sober one?

Wrong? No.

Little bit selfish.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

You were extra hard on him tonight.

What? Extra...? That's our thing.

That's what we do. He pushes my buttons.

You know that speech he said about me never getting angry?

It's because I idolized him.

He would hang out with my friends.

I'd tag along with his.

- Sid had friends? - Oh yeah.

And then I went away, and he was all alone, like, a lot.

When you say it like that, it makes me feel bad for him.

And then we came back. We have our thing.

Yeah.

And you're seen how my parents are.

Yeah, 'cause they never close any doors.

But that's the kind of intense, like,

all-in relationship that Sid's always wanted.

And that's when he started trying too hard

and saying too much and became the Sid that you know.

Yep, the Sid that ruined our wedding.

He didn't ruin our wedding.

Sid stepped on my wedding dress and tore it.

My wedding dress. On my wedding day.

And then he invited that baseball guy as his plus one.

Who does that?

- It's not funny. - No.

It was not a funny situation at all.

No, it's not funny.

But he tried to make up for it.

Yeah, well, he tries too hard.

Think about the time and effort it must have taken

to get me that signed photo.

Did I sabotage things with Kate?

Oh, no, he probably did that on his own.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You know what?

I am going to send Sid a friend request.

Aww.

- Look at you. - Yep.

- So sweet. - Mm-hmm.

Dear Elizabeth.

Kate broke up with me tonight. It came out of nowhere.

It was just like in "Definitely Maybe,"

when you told Ryan Reynolds that you cheated on him

with his roommate after he proposed,

to get him to break up with you,

even though you didn't.

Although I didn't propose to Kate,

and she didn't say she cheated on me.

Do you think that means she did cheat on me?

Oh, and if somebody named Zoey asks your agent Frankie

if you know me,

could you please just have her say yes?

I'd really appreciate it.

Eat Wheaties! Sid.

Anyone call?

Jasper Aronavich called, and Sid Straw.

- Who is Sid Straw? - The Banks guy.

- He peeped? - He said that Zoey Dobbs

might ask you whether or not you know him,

and if she does, if you would please say yes.

- Peep, peep, peep. - What do you want me to do?

Get the restraining order.

- And... - This is cold.

And if Zoey asks if you know him?

Sorry to hear about your girlfriend.

Oh, it's okay.

Gosh, I got tell you, man, your house, your family.

Like a magazine.

Yep. things are pretty good at the homestead.

- Yeah. - Fred.

Come on. It's time to eat.

Hey, I didn't tell you,

I sent a friend request to Elizabeth Banks.

I mean, she hasn't accepted yet, but...

She, um, probably won't.

But her agent was really nice.

He sent me an autographed picture.

- Her agent. - Yeah.

Have I ever told you the story of the atomic wedgie?

No.

I was six or seven years old.

I had a crush on a senior named Sherri back in Saegertown.

Now, she was older than me,

but you know all the pretty girls.

- Yeah. - So anyway,

she babysits a friend of mine, Josh, right?

One day Josh invites me over while she's watching him.

He and I like WWF. We're horsing around.

- Yeah. - Sherri's watching.

She says, "I want a turn." Yes! Okay. Fine.

So she takes it easy, right in the beginning.

And then she gets Josh in this serious headlock, right?

Yeah.

- I'm freaking out, I tag in. - Yeah.

And I give her an atomic wedgie.

What?

She let go of Josh pretty fast.

Cut to ten years later.

I sneak in to see "Basic Instinct,"

and show do I see up on the big screen but Sherri,

and she's not wearing any...

- Panties. - That's right, buddy.

You know the story better than most.

Wait, you were talking about Sharon Stone?

Well, she's Sherri to me.

You gave a wedgie to Sharon Stone?

It's my claim to fame.

Do you, like, keep in touch with her and stuff?

Sharon Stone? No. She's Sharon Stone.

- That's crazy, man. - Yeah, it's nuts.

I smell gas.

No.

I don't smell anything.

You smell that? Oh yeah.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

- Wow, you got a good nose. - Okay.

I smell it now, yeah.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it.

No one take a nap.

Dear Elizabeth,

I got a lot of free time now,

since the breakup,

and I started writing a children's story.

It's called "Fred Smells." Here's an excerpt.

"This is a story I have to tell.

It's all about Fred and how Fred smells."

By the way, Professor Katz RSVP'd

and he's coming to the reunion.

Do you remember when he fell asleep and someone wrote

"Just a little Katz nap" on the chalkboard?

That's was me!

You and Tracey Swid sat in the front row.

I was in the fourth row.

Of course, maybe you didn't notice me, but I was there.

Hey, is there any way you have Tracey Swid's contact info?

I mean, I'm single, clearly, and ready to mingle.

Eat Wheaties! Sid.

They made me sign for this at reception.

Apparently, you've been served.

I need to see you touch it.

Okay.

What?

Restraining order?

- Yeah, this is legit. - I don't understand.

She lives in Los Angeles. In live in Arizona.

You know how easy it is to get a restraining order?

How easy is it?

A phone call, and one notarized document.

Maybe two phone calls.

But I don't know what that means exactly.

It means the court declared you a threat

- to their personal safety. - In layman's terms,

it means you have to stay away from them.

I was speaking in layman's terms.

If layman is a lawyer, then I agree.

I'm co-chairing our college reunion.

Elizabeth Banks is invited. What if she shows up?

You won't be able to go.

Unless you contest the restraining order.

And win.

I think even the layman got what I meant.

If you don't stop,

you may not be a layman for a long time.

So how much would it be to fight it?

- I bill at 750 an hour. - I'm 800.

Wow, that's a lot.

You couldn't resolve it in half an hour, could you?

No.

Sorry.

How much do you charge by the hour?

$450.

Hmm, you can't do it in 45 minutes?

No. No, I can't.

It was nice meeting you.

Welcome to Fisk and Sons.

Are you the Fisk or are you a son?

I am Fisk.

- Oh. - And these are my two sons.

- Oh. - And my wife.

- Hi. - Hi. Nice to meet you.

We're not lawyers.

She is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Aww. How did you two meet?

Online.

Gosh. The whole world is online.

Oh, tell me about it.

I even got my law degree online.

I don't want to waste your time.

How much do you charge by the hour?

My rate is 85...

dollars an hour.

Perfect.

Yeah?

Put her there.

Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy, what's going on?

- State Bar of Arizona. - Hi.

Are you able to confirm if my lawyer

is in good standing with this state bar?

- What's his name? - James Fisk.

He went to John Morris Law School, dot com.

Come in.

Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt.

I'm gonna have to represent myself in this matter.

Yeah, no, Sid, whatever you think is best.

I hate to say this.

- Okay, I need some wipes. - Hey.

Thank you.

Yeah, also, the bar said that since your degree

is from a non-accredited law school,

you're technically practicing law illegally.

I didn't want to say that to you.

You're such a nice man.

- No, that makes sense. - Yeah.

- I just... if I can chime in. - Yeah.

He really is so much smarter than he looks.

Oh, yeah.

Baby, that's... that's a compliment.

- Oh, I know. - Yeah.

You know, hey, if you ever get in good standing,

I'd love to work together.

Absolutely, Sid. And it was nice to meet you.

Yeah, so nice meeting you. And nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you, Sid.

Sid.

You've been here a long time.

- Mm-hmm. - Longer than me.

- Yeah. - You never take vacation.

You use Skype for long-distance calls.

And you are diligent with your courtesy flush.

But your recent browser history is problematic.

Hmm?

You spend too much time on social media.

Let me explain.

It was for a college reunion, and I know Elizabeth Banks.

Look, I know it can get lonely when you're single.

After my divorce, I made some questionable decisions.

And then I met Ruth.

Ah.

There's zero tolerance for office tomfoolery.

Consider yourself on notice.

Yes, Bruce.

Dear Elizabeth.

Have you ever felt like your life

was spiraling out of control,

like your movie "Walk of Shame,"

you know minus the crack dealers?

First, there's the restraining order,

which I'm sure is a misunderstanding

with your agent.

Then I got put on notice at work.

Don't even ask.

And it turns out the caterer

I wanted for the reunion is double-booked.

I mean, by the looks of your Facebook page,

things are great for you, so keep it up.

And if I figure out the legal stuff,

I'll just look for you at the reunion.

Eat Wheaties! Sid.

What?

Oh. No.

- No. - What?

Well, have you seen your brother's Facebook?

Oh my God, it's blowing up.

- What? Why? - Wait. Stop, I'm reading.

Let me see it.

- What is that? - Oh, my God.

He's writing crazy posts on Elizabeth Banks' fan page.

Look, and now people are starting to take notice.

- Oh, no. - No.

He doesn't know that he's posting them publicly.

Look at all the comments.

Wow, it's actually kind of impressive.

I got to call him, tell him to take them down.

Yeah, well, it's too late for that.

What do you mean it's too late?

You can't take stuff off the Facebook.

What are you talking about? Of course you can.

Once it's on...

Hey, Tom.

Sid! Sid! The Facebook.

You've got to take the stuff...

Ooh, I need to call you back. Hi.

Didn't you get my letter?

No, I didn't get anything.

- You need to read my letter. - Oh. All right.

Well, maybe Jeanne has it. Sorry. Jeanne?

Hey Jeanne, do you have a letter for me from...

Oh.

I don't know why you didn't give this to me.

What?

Sorry.

You said I was just on notice.

That's before I saw your posts

on Elizabeth Banks' Facebook page.

How do you know about those?

- They went viral. - What does that mean?

It means a lot of people saw it.

How many people saw it?

Who knows? Like a thousand.

More like a million.

- What? - All of our customers.

If you're gonna obsess over a celebrity,

I suggest you do it in private.

I'm not obsessed with Elizabeth Banks.

I'm not obsessed with Elizabeth Banks.

The restraining order says otherwise.

That is a temporary restraining order.

And do you know how easy those are to get?

It is one phone call and one notarized document.

Sid, my hands are tied.

It's not good.

Oh my God.

- Congratulations, Sam. - Thanks, Sid.

Sid, wait.

You forgot these.

- Thank you. - Yep.

Welcome to your new office, Sam.

- Holla! - Holla!

- Who started that? - I think you did.

- Yeah, maybe I did. - Yeah, you did.

- Come on in. - You're a genius, man.

Whoo!

Dear Elizabeth.

I'm really sorry if my posts embarrassed you.

Going forward, I promise to send them all privately.

I don't... I don't know how I missed that.

I got fired today, after 14 years.

But don't worry, the job market is strong,

and I'm sure my old boss

will write a great letter of recommendation.

Plus, now I'll have... you know, I'll have time to focus

on the venue for the reunion.

Eat Wheaties! Sid.

You have one new message.

Sid, this is Sarah,

co-chair of the Penn Reunion Committee.

The dean called me personally to request

that you be removed from your position

as co-chair effective immediately.

Please don't call me back. Or text. Or email.

- Hey, Sid. - Hey.

You flying solo tonight?

Oh, just me, myself and pie.

Aww, we took apple pie off the menu a while ago.

Oh. Do you have any other pie?

Hmm, key lime.

Hmm, but that's not until the summer.

It's just me and myself then.

Hmm. What happened to Kate?

Kate.

Kate went back to her ex-boyfriend.

Dang. That's sucks.

- Yeah. - She seemed nice.

Oh yeah, she was very nice.

Well, the good news is she's open to revisiting her exes.

And she's not gonna take out a restraining order on me.

So that's a plus.

I like your optimism, Sid.

- I'll be right back. - Okay. All right.

These, my friend, are on me.

Oh, wow.

Are they virgins? That's nice?

- Filthy whores. - Oh.

If you need anything, let me know.

Ohh.

They are filthy.

Ooh, momma.

Your resume is excellent, Mr. Straw.

And you seem like a really nice guy.

I don't know what Bruce Rapp was thinking letting you go.

But we'd be lucky to have you.

- Thank you, Ms. Portino. - Yeah.

Expect to hear from me soon. So...

- Wonderful. Thank you. - Thank you.

Hey, Ms. Portino. How are you?

This is Sid Straw.

Yes, I just wanted to thank you for the generous offer

for the VP position of sales and marketing.

I humbly accept, and I will see you on Monday.

Okay.

Okay. Thank you so much.

Uh-huh. Bye-bye.

Ha!

Hi, Ms. Portino. This is Sid Straw.

I'm sorry I missed you.

I don't know what the background check showed,

but I was curious if there was anything I could do

to change your mind about withdrawing the offer.

Thank you so much for meeting with me about the VP position.

Thank you so much for meeting me

about the director of marketing.

Whoo! Oh yeah.

I can totally move. Yeah.

I've been dying to go to Ohio. What's after manager?

Do you have an assistant manager?

No?

Dear Elizabeth.

I moved back home with my parents.

It's temporary, like the restraining order,

which I'm hoping will be resolved before the reunion.

Eat Wheaties! Sid.

Here you go.

Turkey bacon okay?

Massive mug. Yeah, it's fine.

Dear Elizabeth.

Money is tight, and it's Janet's birthday coming up.

I might have to borrow money to buy her a gift.

And my mom tried to tuck me in light.

Egad.

Eat Wheaties! Sid.

Dear Elizabeth.

I hope you didn't take that last post

to mean I was asking you to borrow money.

Eat Wheaties! Sid.

- Hi. How can I help you? - Hello.

I'd like to cash this check, please.

The ID and the check don't match.

Yeah, I know.

They must have made a clerical error

at the unemployment office.

Uh-huh.

This check is made out to Sad Striw.

- You're Sid Straw. - Straw. Yeah, I know, I know.

I guess they just switched the A and I.

And they just made Sid Sad.

I'm gonna have to talk to my supervisor.

- Of course. - Okay.

Of course.

There's some weird guy named Sad or Sid or...

Who would name their kid Sad?

Hello.

Thank you.

Defrauding the state's unemployment regulations

is a crime, sir.

I-I-I didn't defraud anyone.

I-I-I'm unemployed.

I've been coming to this bank for years.

I mean, if you look, there's...

I was just gonna show you where the addresses are the same.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

No.

- I just... please. - Don't.

- I can't... - Stop.

- I was only gonna... - Stop.

- Thank you, Mom. - Yeah.

- Order up. - Ooh, Mom.

All right. So this is shepherd's pie.

- Mmm. - But instead of lamb,

I used ground buffalo meat.

It's leaner, and it's high in omega-3s.

And instead of mashed potatoes, that's cauliflower.

- Oh, wow. - Looks delicious.

- Oh. - Mmm.

- Mmm. - Oh.

Oh.

You know what, as much as I would love to eat it,

I'm actually staying away from wild game.

- Yeah. - So.

- Dr. Solinski's orders. - Well.

More leftovers for you, Sid.

One of the perks of living at home.

Hey, Janet, I have a surprise for you.

- Happy birthday. - Oh my goodness.

- Happy birthday. - Sid.

Wow. Sid.

Let's see. Oh.

I bedazzled it myself.

Yes, you did.

That is... that is something.

Took me a long time.

I found it on Pinterest.

A lot of people are doing it, and it's kind of a trend.

People do sweatshirts and, you know, hats,

and belts seemed to be, you know,

the one that was the most popular.

- It's very thoughtful, Sid. - That's really kind.

- It's... - Thank you.

So I heard you swung by

Brandon's office the other day?

Yeah, I did.

He has a really nice office.

Oh, I know, Janet, I wanted to ask you,

have you heard back from your friend Zoey,

about Elizabeth Banks' agent?

Yeah.

She heard that they took out

a restraining order against you.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

But did she find out if Elizabeth remembered me?

You okay?

Yeah. Thank you.

Look, Sid, I know these last few months,

things haven't been going your way.

Hm.

It's all right.

But I really think

you gotta... you gotta stop.

Stop what?

Stop trying so hard.

Like, with everything.

Look, it's like Mom, right, and her cooking.

Sometimes, it's just better to be simple.

Like, normal. Like, "Hey, Mom,

Can I just have a regular shepherd's pie?"

I just think you try too hard,

and it's like the Darryl thing at the wedding.

Oh, come on.

- That was so funny. - Yeah.

But you get what I'm saying, right?

All right. I'll try to stop trying.

This isn't an inside joke, Sid.

You are unemployed.

You are living at home with your parents.

And instead of picking yourself up,

getting back on your feet, you're making belts.

And you're wondering whether Elizabeth Banks remembers you?

I didn't make the belt. I bedazzled it.

Oh my God. Sid, look at me.

Elizabeth Banks doesn't remember you.

Tom, want to get going?

- See you, Sid. - Yeah, see you.

Keep your eye on the ball.

You were are doing a lot of chopping,

but no chips are flying.

Hey, I really appreciate you inviting me out.

I had to get out of that house.

Yeah, it's gotta be so depressing.

Oh.

Living under the roof with your parents again.

Oh, that's okay, Fred. That's okay.

What's this? What's this? Elbows down.

You're like a chicken. All right?

Go!

Bah-gawk.

Here we go.

This is how fast it's gonna come on the day.

Come on!

Don't look... just pick them up.

Pick them up. You're done, you're done.

Put down the bat. You're done.

I wasn't even gonna go to the reunion,

but now that you're banned,

I feel like somebody should go there

just to tell your side of the story.

I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna do that for you.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh my God, we should reunite the Hoefish.

- Oh. - Oh, my God.

- That would be so great. - We'll do it in honor of you.

- Aww. - And people will be like,

"Oh, I wish he was here."

I can't believe I'm missing it.

- Yeah. - I can't believe it.

You'll be there in spirit.

- Can I hit again? - No, it's... it's my turn.

It's my turn.

Oh my God, there's no tears in baseball.

Watch this.

Okay, hold on. I just... I wasn't ready.

Now I'm ready.

Almost, man.

Ah!

It's, uh...

it's my carpal tunnel.

I have an old judo injury.

Do you think I could try?

Yeah, sure, go ahead. Give it a shot.

Dear Elizabeth.

I think this will be my last message for a while.

I finished writing "Fred Smells,"

but after rereading it, I realize it stinks.

Dreams can't come true for everyone.

Otherwise, everyone would be an actor

or an astronaut or Dr. Seuss.

I want to thank you for being there for me

the last few months, even if you weren't.

Writing to you has made me feel better about myself.

Thinking that there's a world where you remember me

and cared about what was happening in my life.

But now I realize

I need to try harder to put my life back together.

Or less hard.

Or both, I guess.

I'm gonna fight the restraining order

and make it to the reunion.

I really hope you can make it,

and please don't miss it on my behalf.

Eat Wheaties!

Sid.

I'm telling you, I'm 100% sure

that in the state of California...

You're saying that it doesn't matter

that I went to a non-accredited law school.

No, I spent hours researching it,

and I called three times to confirm.

Okay, so if I did pass the bar exam,

then would you hire me for the restraining order?

Yeah. Definitely.

Wait, and does this mean

that we would all get to go to California?

- Sure. - Okay.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I do know that the bar exam in California

is known to be pretty difficult.

Okay, but sweetheart, I mean, we'll help you.

I will take the kids full-time.

- I can help. - With the kids?

- Yeah. - Wow. Okay.

Do you have any babysitting experience or anything?

No, but I can try.

You can start with the older one.

He's so much easier. He's very calm and...

Gary is the easier one.

Dale is the older one.

Oh, Dale... no.

Yeah, Dale was born 12 seconds earlier.

12 minutes.

12 minutes earlier.

He's a lot smarter than he looks, really.

Okay.

At some point that stops being a compliment.

- Okay. - So are we a go with this?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yes!

Honey.

- Okay, we're doing it. - We're doing it.

- Love you. - Yes.

Hello.

You know me?

- This is... this is fantastic. - All right.

And I think you'd be a great addition to the Spartina team.

- Oh, fantastic. - I do.

Yeah. Thank you so much.

All right, let's do this.

So I love an acronym,

and I always... and this one always.

- Five. - Oh!

- Good job. - Okay.

Oh.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Here we go.

- Oh, thank God. - Yeah!

- You did it! - Whoo!

You said I could do it.

- You said I could do it. - Ah!

Okay, the next case on the docket is number 954532,

a restraining order issued by Frankie Riceborough

and Elizabeth Banks.

Is she here?

No, your honor.

Oh.

The defendant Sid Straw.

Oh. Yes. There he is, your honor.

- And who are you? - My name is James Fisk.

I'm a lawyer, and this is my first case.

Hmm.

Whoo!

That's my wife.

And what are we doing here?

My client, Ms. Riceborough,

and her client, Ms. Banks,

have been repeatedly harassed by the defendant,

and we'd like the temporary restraining order

made permanent.

It says here that the defendant lives in Scottsdale.

Mr. Straw, why on earth

are you harassing Ms. Riceborough and Ms. Banks?

And how exactly do you know her?

We went to college together.

And I dated her sorority sister, Tracey Swid.

So you don't really know her.

No, I do.

I did.

Ms. Riceborough, how exactly has Mr. Straw

been harassing you and Ms. Banks from Scottsdale?

Well, thank you for asking, Your Honor.

Mr. Straw has been incessantly harassing

both me and my client with letters,

phone calls, and social media posts,

with the sole intention of intimidating us

into a relationship in order to prove how important he is

that he knows a celebrity.

Now, I know we live in a world

where everyone has this illusion of access,

that anyone can just tweet out or friend

their favorite celebrity, but my job...

excuse me, my duty

is to protect my client from whack jobs like him.

People who feel like they're owed the right

to just call us up and interrupt our busy assistants

to demand an autographed picture,

and then complain when they are smudged.

Can-can I say something now?

Can I speak sometime soon?

Mr. Straw, is Ms. Riceborough telling the truth?

Yes.

I mean, she could have said it in a nicer way, but yes.

I did ask for an autographed picture

for my brother's birthday,

and I did contact her assistant, Keaton,

when I saw that the picture I was sent had a smudge.

And...

Why are you standing?

I'm-I'm Keaton.

And yeah, he's right. The photo was smudged.

Continue, Mr. Straw.

And I did post on her Facebook page some things...

a lot of things.

But I did not mean to harass her, Your Honor.

Mr. Straw, you may live far away,

but in this day and age,

we treat cyberbullying as a serious crime.

And with your college reunion coming up,

there is a possibility you will be

in physical proximity to her.

You have been fired from your job,

removed from a volunteer position,

and publicly mocked for your celebrity obsession.

And he also just moved in with his parents.

I don't know if that was necessary.

No, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing.

Isn't it time to go back home,

get your life back together,

and just forget all this Elizabeth Banks nonsense?

This is not about Elizabeth Banks, Your Honor.

This is about me, Sid Straw,

being able to go back to my reunion confident

about who I am and what I've become.

I understand that I'm not the most exciting person out there,

and I've had some rough patches, yes.

But I got new friends.

I got a new job. I'm playing softball again.

And I want to go to my reunion.

And I can't do that

with a restraining order hanging over me.

Can you tell me one thing about you and Elizabeth Banks

from college that would help me believe

that this supposed friendship of yours

doesn't just exist in your imagination?

One story that can be corroborated here today,

in this courtroom?

I have no choice

but to extend the restraining order by five years.

Wait.

I have a story.

It was my freshman year, and, uh...

I was having a hard time making friends.

I think it had something to do with the fact

that I had a role in banning hot plates from the dorms.

In my defense, I had just seen the movie "Backdraft,"

and I had a lot of sensitivity to fire hazards.

So to meet people, I joined this coed volleyball team,

and that's where I met Ms. Banks and Ms. Swid,

who later became my... girl that I briefly dated.

Our team was not very good. We weren't very good.

We lost the first two matches, and then our third match,

we were playing against all these jocks.

And it got ugly.

Not just the spiking, but they were mean.

And we were just begging...

begging for the game to end,

when Elizabeth Banks stepped up and called a time-out.

I don't even know if there's time-out in volleyball.

We huddled together and did it anyway.

And she looked at us, and she said,

"Did any of you eat your Wheaties this morning?

'Cause if you did,

now is the time they're gonna kick in."

And I'm telling you, in the next ten minutes,

it was nothing short of a miracle.

It was... it was like we were pros.

We were spiking, we series setting,

we were diving for balls, and saving points.

We were seconds away, many times, of losing the game,

and we'd get the game back, and then in the end,

our team was one point away from winning the game.

And it was my serve. My serve.

This was my moment to shine.

And I tossed the ball up, I threw my hand back,

and I just launched it.

Was it an ace?

No, I choked.

And it went out of bounds.

And they won the game.

But here's the deal.

My team was not angry about it.

We had shown them what we're made of.

We had shown ourselves that we can accomplish something

much bigger than winning.

And every single time after that,

every time we saw Elizabeth Banks,

she would look at us, and instead of saying goodbye,

she would say, "Eat Wheaties!"

And it was like we were just transported back

to that very specific moment in time.

Counselor, can you corroborate

any part of Mr. Straw's story?

Yes, actually I can, Your Honor.

I would like to present to you and the court

defense Exhibit A.

Do I just bring it up to you or...

Okay.

Here is Exhibit A, in which you will find a photograph

clearly depicting my client, Mr. Straw,

and two people over, you will also see a familiar face.

That is Ms. Banks.

Clearly, they're in the same photograph.

You're gonna have to do better than that.

Did you see the photo?

Yes.

Your Honor, may I make a closing statement?

Make it quick.

My client, Sid Straw, is many things.

Unusual? Maybe.

Compulsive? Yeah, you could say that.

Society awkward? Definitely.

But the one thing my client is not

is a danger to himself or any other human being.

I mean, Sid is a good guy.

And I ask you this much.

When you are deciding my client's fate here today,

please take this into account.

If he did make up and fabricate

the story about the Wheaties,

well, why would he cast himself as a loser?

Right? Who would do that?

He did it because it's the truth.

Sid is a loser...

or was a loser.

Make him a winner.

I don't think you're a loser.

- Oh, no. - Personally. I love you.

Thanks. I love you too. That was really good.

I should have wrote some of that out.

- No. - It was a little...

No, it was really... it was perfect.

- It was perfect. - Thanks.

Ms. Riceborough, do you have any evidence of Mr. Straw

saying anything intimidating or derogatory

towards you or Ms. Banks?

Um...

No, Your Honor.

Can you give me one reason

why he might be a danger to you or Ms. Banks?

Well, he's very persistent.

But he's not a danger.

Well, come to think of it,

we would not be here wasting the court's time

were it not for your restraining order,

which you based on a few phone calls

asking for one autographed photo, which was smudged,

and some weird Facebook posts on her page,

of which I'm sure there are thousands.

I hereby remove the restraining order,

under the one condition that you never make

any unsolicited contact to Ms. Banks again,

either in person or on social media.

Is that understood?

Yes, Your Honor. That's understood.

Case dismissed.

Wait. Your Honor...

Did we just win?

Sort of.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Can I get some? Can you get some more?

Can I also have some? Can we both have some?

Oh, I feel good.

Yes.

Oh, that felt good.

Yeah, it still feels good.

I know.

Hey, let's go sue some other people.

Yes!

You have defamed my client.

That's preposterous. I can't defame him.

He's not famous.

Defamation is the action

of damaging someone's good reputation.

I didn't do that.

By providing false information

to a number of Mr. Straw's prospective employers...

- Mm-hmm. - You did indeed cause

"ear-rep-pair-a-buhl" harm to my client.

We withdrew our offer to Mr. Straw in a timely manner.

By conducting a background check on Mr. Straw

without his express written permission,

you have violated federal law

under the Fair Credit Reporting Act.

Did you see his posts?

Did you hear what I said about violating federal law?

I would put a staple through my hand

before I let you do it again.

- Is that what you want? - That's not...

Do you want me to put a staple through my hand?

No, I don't think we want to do that.

I'll do it.

- Okay, guys. - You see that?

That's...

That's a staple in a man's hand for a friend.

Consider this, uh...

repaired.

- Ah-ah. - Ooh.

- Thank you. - Okay, wow, grabby.

Your book is the first I've ever published

from a cold submission.

You know what tells me?

- You know what I smell? - Hmm?

- Success. - Ah.

I think Sid also smells sequels.

Sequels?

Do I sign right... do I sign right here?

Ah, yes. Sign right there.

- Hello. - Excuse me, sir, you...

Um, just one second.

Sure.

- Welcome back, Mr. Straw. - Oh, thank you.

Would you like us to deposit these for you?

Oh no, thank you.

I'm taking my money to a bank where people are kinder.

Oh, wow.

I didn't think I'd be this nervous.

Yeah. Me too.

Are you sure this is the place?

Yeah, this is the address.

This looks a little underdressed, you know?

Thought there'd balloons or...

- I know, me too. - Something.

Well hey, good luck.

Thanks.

I really couldn't have gotten here without you, James.

You know, I am real, real proud to call you my client.

I'm proud to call you my lawyer.

I'm proud to call you my...

I'm not on the committee. I should probably get inside.

Oh, no. Yeah, no, do your thing.

Show these Ivy Leaguers how to party.

To be continued.

Hello.

Sarah.

Oh.

Namey-taggey.

Just let's see.

Okay. Okay.

Ah.

All right.

Can't believe he's here.

Hey. Duncan.

- Oh, my God. - Ah, hey, Sid.

Hey. I'm so happy to see you.

- Where the hell is everybody? - I don't know.

We're the only Hoefish here.

God dang it.

The Facebook page made it look so good.

I know. They got a lot of likes.

Hey, did you get my book? Did you get it?

I sent it like two days ago.

- Yeah. - Did you read it to Fred?

No, no, I did not.

- Why? - I'm not gonna read a book

called "Fred Smells" to my son Fred.

Why? It's... that's a play on words.

How about I read you a book called "Sid Stinks Like Ass"?

No, no, no, you... you don't understand.

"Fred smells" is a verb.

"Fred smells" is not an adjective.

It's a cash bar.

No, listen, listen. Okay?

Sometimes Fred smells and says, "That's delightful."

Sometimes he smells and says, "That's frightful."

It doesn't matter where Fred goes.

Nothing gets past his sensitive nose.

It sounds like he stinks. I don't know.

Congratulations on your book deal.

Is that what you're looking for?

Congratulations on your new job,

on your landmark win of the trial.

I want to mingle with other people.

Is Elizabeth Banks coming?

Do you really think she would come,

knowing he would be here?

- Hey, Sid. - Hey.

I just got off work and I thought

maybe I could sit with you?

Oh, please, you kidding? I'd love it.

- Awesome. - I would love it. Ooh.

But I do not need another filthy whore,

I'll tell you that much.

I need a friend right now.

Aww. What's going on?

It's been an exhausting day.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. When is Kenny picking you up?

Yeah.

- I dumped him a while ago. - Really?

- Mm-hmm. - You did?

Yeah.

Do you ever date customers?

- No. - No.

- Nah. - Yeah.

Would you ever date me?

Oh, sorry.

Let me... oh, this is my brother.

Sorry, I gotta get this.

Hey, Tom, what's up?

What?

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

- Dude, congratulations. - Thank you.

There's a person I've never met in our hospital room.

Oh, yes, sorry, sorry. This is Wendy.

How you doing, Wendy? I'm Tom Straw, Sid's brother.

Hi. I'm Janet Berry-Straw.

No relation do Darryl Strawberry?

- Okay. - Sid.

No, I did... I've never said anything to you

about Darryl Strawberry, have I?

Uh-uh.

Sid.

That's freaking weird.

Somebody want to tell me what we're laughing at?

Just show her.

This was at their wedding.

This is... this is Darryl Strawberry and Sid,

dancing the Macarena.

Yeah, at their wedding.

Wait, you invited Darryl Strawberry

to your brother's wedding.

- Yes. He was my plus one. - And he came.

And he came. And he was a really nice guy.

What drugs did they give you?

Good ones, I think.

- He's good. - He's good, yeah.

- Wait for it. - Yeah, wait for it.

- No, no, not the dress. - Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. - Oh!

Oh, the dress. The dress.

- Both girls. - Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was bad.

It was bad.

I would never do that. I would just...

Oh my...

All right, we'll let you guys go.

We just wanted to say... come in and say hi.

Actually, we want to ask you something.

Oh, yeah.

What, me?

Oh, right.

We want you to be the godfather.

Don't cry.

Don't cry. You're gonna make me cry.

Sid.

- So amaze... - Don't. Don't make me cry.

- So amazing. - Aww.

But listen, no speeches at the christening, okay?

- Okay. - I give a good speech.

- They're literally the worst. - I give a good speech.

Awful. Do you want to hold her?

- Yes, I want to hold her. - Okay, come here.

I want to hold her. I want to hold her.

Just watch her head. It's so fragile.

- Hi, baby. - Watch her head.

- There we go. - Hi, baby. Hi, baby.

Hey.

I'm Uncle Sid.

Someone is calling you right now.

No, no, it's okay.

The only people I want to talk to are in this room.

Yes. I want to talk to you.

Hi. Sid, it's Liz. Elizabeth. Banks.

It's Elizabeth Banks from Penn.

And "Spiderman."

Anyway, I just read your posts.

Of course I remember you.

I know this sounds crazy, but ask anyone who knows me.

Whenever I meet someone who is especially nice, I always say,

"You remind me of this awesome guy

I went to college with, Sid Straw."

Oh gosh, I just realized what time it is in Arizona.

I'm sorry, I really hope I didn't wake anybody.

I just got back from filming overseas,

and the jetlag has me, like... waah... all over the place.

Okay, so you should call me so we can catch up.

Eat Wheaties!

Hey, I forgot to leave my phone number.

It's Liz, again, from "Spiderman 2" and "3".

The first "Spidermans."

You know, they made other ones.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind. I got your number from Keaton.

Which reminds me, my kids love "Fred Smells."

Maybe we can make that into a movie?

Anyway, all right. You should call me back.

Eat Wheaties!