All language subtitles for Eat.Wheatiessss.2021.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.

I'll put it down.
Okay.

Okay.
Thank you very much.

Okay.
Bye, bye.

Ahh!

Ah.

Oh, awesome.

It's Sarah Getz,
Reunion Co-Chair.

I just checked,
and there's no Sid Straw

on Facebook, Twitter,
or Instagram.

You're not even on LinkedIn.
Are you a real person?

Assuming you are, you need
to get on social media pronto.

All of our coordinating
will be done on Facebook.

It is going to be epic.

Duncan Lambert.

You have not aged a day
since college.

- You haven't.
- I know.

Then I saw your name
on Facebook,

and I was like, come on.

What a perfect time
to get back in touch.

I'm so surprised
that you are the co-chair.

Yeah. Of the Penn Reunion.
Isn't that cool?

- The West Coast Reunion.
- The West Coast Reunion, yeah.

Wow.

You know, when I saw you
on Facebook...

Yeah.

I just assumed that you had,
you know, be married by now.

No, I've had...

I've had a bit of a dry spell
with the ladies.

- You know what, get the apps.
- I can't do the apps.

Swipe the swipes.

That stresses me
out big time.

Do you know,
I was thinking today,

what was the name
of the character

that you always called me
during our college improvs?

- Christopher P. Bacon.
- That's it! That's it!

I was trying to think of it,
and I couldn't remember it.

That was so fun, man.
That was so fun.

Those days are over.

No, we should do that again.

- We should, that was fun.
- We should do that again.

- That was fun.
- That was fun.

- I want more fun.
- Do you have my number?

- Facebook, buddy.
- Facebook. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Facebook.
You can expense this, right?

Yes.
Of course I can expense this.

- Great.
- Yes, yes, yes.

I'll send you... I guess
you can send a message

on there or something,

and we can-we can
figure something out.

- Yes.
- Yeah. That's...

- Yes!
- This is fun.

This is fun.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Sam Holla.

Hi, Sid.

I suppose you like
your coffee strong and black.

I was in this comedy
improv group in college,

and we used to do this bit

where I would say a word
that clearly wasn't racist,

but then it was
kind of close enough.

I get the gist.
You almost done?

Yeah, the key is to catch
what comes out

in the first
three and a half seconds.

And then the rest
of just brown water.

You mind? I have
a conference call in five.

No, no, no, no.
Good, good, good.

I'm just gonna.
There we go.

Hey, I saw you were
on Facebook, actually.

I just signed up.

Should I friend you?

I have this new policy
where I keep

my Facebook separate
from coworkers.

Oh.
I saw Bruce on there, though.

- Bruce is not a coworker.
- Mm-hmm.

- He's-he's the boss, so...
- Uh-huh.

I saw Burke and Jeanne,
though, too.

Yeah, they were already
friends of mine

before I implemented
the policy.

Uh-huh.
Well, that's probably good.

It's good to keep the focus
on what we have here.

- Right.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- And I'm just gonna go...
- Yeah. Yeah.

- There.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, I'm right behind you.
I'll just grab my pods.

Wow.

Look at you.
Look at you.

Oh, that's so cool.

No way.

That's me.

Hey, Jeanne.

Did I ever tell you
that I was friends

with someone famous
in college?

- Really?
- Yeah, I want you to guess.

Okay? She's my age.
Obviously.

And she's a classic beauty.
And I do know her.

- Heather Locklear.
- No.

How old do you think I am?

However old
Heather Locklear is.

Okay, no, I'm gonna give
another hint.

She's a pitch perfect actress.

Ew, Anna Kendrick
could be your daughter.

No, not Anna.
Do you think I look like Anna?

No.

All right.
One more hint.

She has a Wyldstyle, with a Y.

You were friends
with Elizabeth Banks?

Yes!
We went to Penn together.

- And she knows who you are.
- Yeah.

I mean, I think she does.
Look, look at this.

Look. Look. Look. Look.

Did you take a picture
of your computer screen?

Yeah.

That doesn't even
look like you.

No, that's me. Look, look,
look, look, that's me.

Can I go back
to work now, please?

Yeah.
Hey, did I get any mail?

No.

Are you sure it didn't go
to Sam Holler again?

- I don't know.
- Okay.

Dear Elizabeth.

You may or may not
remember me,

but we were classmates at Penn
before you went off

to Hollywood
to become an actress.

See if this rings a bell.

I dated your sorority sister
Tracey Swid sophomore year.

Do you remember her?
Brown hair, brown eyes.

She used to bleach
the hair over her lip?

And then she did
that Wonder Wax infomercial

and broke up with me.

That's so weird.
She was on TV before you.

But, I mean,
you surpassed her, of course.

Hey, I got some exciting news,
though.

I am officially the co-chair

of the West Coast
Penn Reunion,

and I want to cordially
invite you

to the big event in the fall.

Go Quakers!

Sincerely, Sid Straw.

Oh, P.S.
I got a date tonight.

I'm hoping to maybe bring her
to the reunion.

Fingers crossed.

I'm a regular here.

- I kind of thought so.
- Yeah.

I feel bad 'cause
I brought you to a place

that I feel comfortable with
on our first date.

No, first dates
are always weird.

No matter what.

My pits just sweat
when I'm nervous.

Feel my hands.

Oh!
Your hands are sweaty.

I'm pretty wet, aren't I?

Oh, sorry.

I have this trick at work.

Whenever I have to shake
someone's hand,

I just make sure to have
a cold drink in my hand.

Oh, cools it...
it's like, that cools it...

- yeah, I get it.
- No one notices.

That's really smart.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Let me tell you something
about Sid.

If he's as generous in bed
as he's at tipping,

then we're both in
for a disappointing night.

Just kidding.

- Wendy.
- Yeah?

Do you guys really tow
all the cars

- that are left behind?
- No.

And Sid lives within
walking distance.

Y'all good?

Wendy, could you deflower
that virgin Margarita for me?

Yes, I will Davy Crockett
this bitch.

- Thank you.
- No problem.

What does "Davy Crockett
this bitch" mean?

I was worried
that you would know.

Was he an alcoholic
or was he...?

Well, it sounds like
he was a predator.

Thank you.

Okay.

Sorry.

Oh, sorry.
No, it's this...

- it's this nap pillow.
- Oh.

I wear it... I wear it
to help me sleep sometimes.

See?

I have a spare
if you want to try it.

- Oh, no thanks. I'm good.
- Okay.

[grunts[

It's actually
pretty comfortable.

Mm.

Do you want to stay over or...

I mean, no pressure.
I've got a... but I've got a...

I have a spare toothbrush.

Thank you. I would.

But I-I have
to let my dogs out.

Who let your dogs out?

Do you want me to bark?

No. No. You don't have to.
No.

- I will.
- Okay.

- Do it again.
- Okay.

Who will let your dogs out?

Arf. Arf. Arf. Arf. Arf.

They're Shih Tzus.

That's good.

I'll call you tomorrow.
Mm-hmm.

Dear Elizabeth.
More good news!

I changed my status
to "in a relationship."

Her name is Kate,

and I really hope you can
meet her at the reunion.

Oh, I just
remembered something

you used to do in college
that made me smile.

Whenever somebody used to say
"goodbye," you would wave,

and you would say,
"Eat Wheaties!"

Do you remember that?
Do you still do that?

I'm imagining you
telling J.K. Simmons

to "Eat Wheaties!"
on the set of "Spiderman 2"

and then him
getting really mad

like he did with that kid
who played the drums.

Only of course he's pretending,
'cause he's a great actor.

You know what I'm saying?

Anyways, I know you're busy,
so eat Wheaties!

Sid.

Hey!
Tommy Tom.

Hey, guess who's
gonna be at the...

No, Tom's busy.

- What do you want, Sid?
- Oh, hey, Janet.

Gosh, if you're asking,
I'd love to be the godfather

of your child,
who I imagine is gonna be...

Please don't tell
another bad joke, okay?

I'm already nauseous.

No, no, no, no.
Don't go. Don't go.

Hey, I want to get Tom
something nice

for his birthday.
Do you have any ideas?

Here's a great idea.
Stop calling.

Okay, I can't...

I can't just stop
calling, Janet.

I'm hanging up.

You're allowed to make
bad jokes, but he can't?

It wasn't a joke.

One day,
you're gonna laugh

about what happened
at the wedding.

You just focus
on the bassinet, okay?

Dear Elizabeth.

It's my brother's
birthday coming up,

and I thought
of the perfect gift:

an autographed photo
from you.

Huh?

It's weird,
but for some reason,

no one ever believes that
we were friends in college.

Oh, random, but do you
remember I was in that comedy

improv troop
Bootie and the Hoefish?

Eat Wheaties!
Sid.

Call Kate, my girlfriend.

Calling
Katelyn Just A Friend.

Okay. Uh, hmm.

Hi. This is Katelyn.
Leave a message.

Hi Katelyn.
Sid Straw. Funny story.

I meant to call Kate,
my girlfriend,

which is how her name
is saved in my phone,

but the voice command
thought I said,

"Katelyn, just a friend,"

which is what you put
in my phone after our date.

So actually,
come to think of it,

you were pretty insistent
on us just being friends,

so maybe we should
grab lunch sometime.

Okay, give me a call
and we can schedule something.

Okay, bye.

Call Kate, my girlfriend.

Calling
Katelyn Just A Friend.

Uh, hmm.

Hi. This is Katelyn.
Leave a message.

Hi, Katelyn.
Sid Straw again.

I'm all for hands-free devices,
but WTF, right?

I'm free for lunch tomorrow,
if you want to give me a call.

Okay, bye.

Call Kate, my girlfriend.

Calling Ray's Skate Land.

Okay.

Dear Elizabeth.

The reason I'm sending
this letter to your agent...

hi, Frankie... is because
I heard it's the best way

to reach a huge star like you.

Do you remember when we took
Intro to Sociology together

with Professor Katz?

Those were great times.

I hate to be a nuisance,
but would it be possible

for you or Frankie
or Frankie's assistant

to stick a signed photo
of you in the mail?

I would owe you or Frankie
or Frankie's assistant,

if she has one,
a massive favor.

I'm hoping to still see you
at the reunion.

You might not recognize me,
'cause I've been working out.

Sincerely, Sid Straw.

Dear Elizabeth, Frankie,
and Frankie's assistant.

I know you're all very busy,

but I haven't received
the photo yet.

If you could please
send one ASAP,

I would really appreciate it.

Sincerely, Sid Straw.

Hey, Sam,
I don't mean to bother you,

but did you get any of my mail
today by chance?

No way.

Oh, my gosh.

I think this is it.
I think this is it.

Ohh.

Look. Look. Look.
Look. Look.

I know her.
We went to college together.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Is that a smudge?

Oh, no.

WAA,
Frankie Riceborough's office.

Is this about a movie
or a TV show?

Script pitch?

Did the new Fallon
tweet go viral?

Well, he has 50 million
followers.

I'm sure some
of them watched it.

What is the definition
of viral anyway?

Does it have to hit, like,
a certain number, or...?

I don't know.

Do you remember
the guy Sid Straw?

The guy that keeps asking
for autographed photographs

of Elizabeth Banks?

Only because
you keep telling me.

Right, the photo
that we sent him was smudged.

Oh, it was smudged.

Okay, well, I talked to
marketing, and he was right.

Somebody spilled water
over the whole stack.

How many letters
did this guy send?

- A few.
- And now he's calling?

Okay, we have a new policy.

Zero tolerance
for client harassment.

Okay, well, technically,
he's calling us, not her.

Okay, after this, if there's
one more peep from this wacko,

I want our lawyers
to get a restraining order.

Okay, well,
I don't think it's harassment.

I mean, he says
he's a close acquaintance

of Elizabeth Banks.

There is no such thing.

Well, they went
to Penn together.

He dated her sister.

Sarah dated him?

Oh no, her...
her sorority sister.

Tracey Swid.

Okay. One more peep,
and I'll... I'll call legal.

- Hey, Sid.
- Hey. Sam-I-am.

"Green Eggs and Ham."
That's a good one, yeah.

No, the Sammy Hagar song.

Okay. Cool.

Oh, gosh, why does it keep
coming to you?

That's silly.

Yes! Yes!
No smudges!

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Look. Look. Look. Look.
Look. Look. Look.

- Wow.
- Ah!

Hey, Jeanne,
I need a favor.

Do you think
you could write this

to make it look like her
handwriting, with this?

I thought you said
you knew her.

I do.

Fine.

Thank you.

Can I have my... thanks.

Did you like my playlist?

Actually, I haven't gotten
a chance to listen to it yet.

Oh, you're listening
to it now.

Oh.

Um, cool.

Hey, should we stop
and maybe

get something to bring
to the party?

The e-vite said they were
gonna have beer and mixers.

I'm kind of more of
a bubbly person,

so maybe we could
get some prosecco?

Ooh, prosecco.
Wow.

Oh, there's actually a neat
little liquor store a block up.

We could just go there.

- Did you want to stop?
- Yeah.

Yeah, let's... let's stop
and go get some prosecco.

Just right up there.

I think you can actually see
the parking lot.

I only like
making right turns,

so is it okay
if I kind of do a round

- and then come around that way?
- Oh, it's... okay, yes.

If you want, you can do
a U-turn right here.

- Ooh. That's...
- Right...

I'm not great at those.

I am really nervous
about Tom's gift.

You know what I do
when I'm nervous?

I take a deep breath,
and I hold it in.

I just gotta... I gotta
fix things with Janet,

or she's never gonna
let me see the baby.

And my instinct is to kind of
lighten the mood,

but she makes it really,
really, really hard.

Hey, did you want me
to sign your name on this?

I put some space after Sid,
if you want to add "and Kate."

- No. I'm okay.
- Okay. Thanks.

- Hey, Mom and Dad.
- Sid.

- Hey.
- You must be Kate.

Yes. Hi.
Thank you for having me.

- Your yard is beautiful.
- Oh, thanks.

Is that Kate like Middleton,
with a K,

or Cate like Blanchett,
with a C?

Okay, nobody spells
Cate with a C.

Well, Caitlyn Jenner.
That's a C.

- Is she a Cate? No.
- What about Cate Blanchett?

You already said
Cate Blanchett.

Yeah, but you said
nobody spells Cate with a C.

- Nobody except Cate Blanchett.
- Well I spell mine with a K.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Oh, well.
- Here. I can take those.

- Oh, that's fine. I can...
- No. No. No.

- No. No.
- Okay.

- Hey, Tom and Janet.
- Hey!

I want you to meet
my girlfriend Kate.

Girlfriend.
Strong word.

Well, I'm a girl
and I'm a friend.

Well, it's nice
to meet you, Kate.

This is my roommate, Janet.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Janet.
It's so... to see you.

Right.

I got... look at this.
I got some words.

Oh boy.

No. Nope.

Sid, no speeches tonight.
I'm sorry.

Aww, but it's something
to celebrate.

- It's Tom's birthday.
- Yeah, it's not happening.

- How about a simple toast?
- I brought some bubbly.

- No toasts. No booze.
- Out of...

- Right?
- Yeah, out of solidarity.

Yeah.

I thought you said
there was gonna be

- beer and mixers tonight.
- Oh, no, no, no.

I said ginger beer
and root beer,

and a lot of...
lot of mixers over there.

But, yeah, no alcohol.

But hey, let him give a speech.
You'll make it short, right?

Yes, of course, yes.

Okay, yeah, a toast.
But no speech.

And can you do it
before our friends show up?

- Yes, of course. Of course.
- Great.

- We got a deal.
- We got a deal.

We made a deal.
We made a deal.

We made a deal!
We made a deal!

- All right, here we go.
- Short and sweet.

So for those of you
who don't know me,

I'm Sid, Tom's brother.

As a child,
Tom had one annoying habit:

he never lost his temper.

You could yell at him
all you want,

much like
his wife Janet does...

but he won't argue back.

His best friend Brandon
and I tried everything.

We would step on his fingers
with cleats.

We would pull out hair
from all parts of his body.

You have a sick mind, Brandon.

Brandon was supposed
to be here for that one.

So even though Tom
may not get mad,

he knows how to get even.

He eats your possessions.

- That's correct.
- I mean, it's a perfect crime.

There's no evidence.

Unless it's Mom's
breakfast lasagna.

Agh!

It's just a joke, Mom.

Things my brother has eaten.

Numero uno,

a 1983 Dan Quisenberry
Strat-O-Matic card.

Do you remember that?

Quiz was unhittable.

But he was not uneatable.

Okay, Sid,
let's wrap it up.

Okay.
I'll get to the finale.

List of celebrities
who died at 34.

Dana Plato
from "Diff'rent Strokes."

She was taken from us too soon.

Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer,

who was probably taken from us
a little too late.

And outlaw Jesse James,
the one who robbed banks,

not the one who robbed
Sandra Bullock

of five years of her life.

So congratulations to Tom
for surviving 34 years.

If you die this year,
at 35 years old,

you will be in much
better company,

with Mozart,
Andy Kaufman,

and Ol' Dirty Bastard.

- Hear, hear.
- Hear.

- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.

- Love you.
- Love you.

- Well, this is from me.
- Oh, yeah?

- Us.
- Oh.

I bought it.

Well, you used
my credit card.

Doesn't matter who bought it.

It's a good one.
18 years old.

Oh, you got
a sick mind, Brandon.

It's a call back
from his speech earlier.

Thank you, Brandon.
Thank you, Allie.

- Here. This is from me.
- Ooh.

"Dear Tom, I hope you are
as cute as your brother.

Elizabeth Banks."

What? What?

Sid, that's incredible.

My God.

I love it, Sid.
Holy cow.

So is that, like, a gag gift?

No, no, she signed it.
Look.

Right here.
She signed it.

Sid claims that he dated
her in college.

I dated her sorority sister.

But do you not have two copies
of "Seabiscuit"?

I purchased a DVD
of "Seabiscuit"

at the used section
of a Blockbuster.

And then I received
a complimentary copy

with a new Blu-ray player.

- Ooh. Score.
- That's two copies.

- So I'm a casual fan.
- And I'm a casual friend.

- That's not a thing.
- No, that's a thing.

- I'm pretty sure it's not.
- No, it is.

- Nope.
- Yeah.

- You sure?
- Mm-hmm.

Do you see what I see?

- I think I do.
- Yes, you do.

What is it?

I see my girlfriend Kate...

Standing next
to your wife Allie.

Yep.

- I don't get it.
- I doubt you're missing much.

? Sometimes tears
of sorrows ?

? Are all the things
I've got ?

Yes.

? Just when you think ?

? You're all by yourself,
you're not ?

- ? Ba-da-da-da ?
- Up top.

Is that the "Family Ties"
theme?

No, not "Family Ties."

It's "Kate & Allie."

- Kate and Allie.
- Oh.

- Great show.
- Great show.

Underrated show, actually.

Yeah.
It was ahead of its time.

It was ahead of its time.

Sid, how'd you get
that picture?

I told you.
We went to Penn together.

I'm co-chairing the reunion.

My friend Zoey from Harvard
works at her talent agency.

I had forgotten
you went to Harvard.

You didn't mention it today.

I bet Zoey knows her agent.

Yeah, her name
is Frankie Riceborough.

Zoey can ask Frankie to ask
Liz is she knows Sid.

- Ooh.
- All right.

We'll play
Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

Two degrees.
Would only be two degrees.

If you actually know her.

Come on, we don't have
to do this right now.

That's silly.

Just... I mean, just let us know
when she gets back to you.

Just tell her I said hi.

Actually, tell her I said
"Eat Wheaties!"

She'll remember that.

Oh, I already sent it.
So don't worry about it.

- She's writing back.
- Uh-oh.

I gotta prop myself up
for this one.

Oh.
Her agent left.

Oh.

- Oh, bummer.
- Damn it.

? Just when you think ?

- ? You're all by yourself ?
- ? You're not ?

- Went for it there, huh?
- Not.

I went for it.

Mmm. Hey.

I got time to come up
for a drink.

You know, I'm actually
pretty tired.

Oh, okay.
All right.

I think...

I think we need
to slow things down.

Like, musically?

Romantically.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

An ex just kind of
came back into town,

and I want to see
where that goes.

- Yeah.
- No hard feelings?

No. No. No. No.

Ooh, your hands
are wetter than mine.

Sid, I was so nervous
about this conversation.

Oh, that's okay.

Tried to get drunk at
your parents' house, I'm sorry.

That's all right.
I appreciate your clamminess.

- Take care, Sid.
- I will.

Yeah, yeah.
Thanks.

- Good night, Sid. Bye.
- Bye, bye.

Good night.
Thought we had something.

But I guess we didn't.

Guess we did not.

Is it wrong that I made your
birthday party a sober one?

Wrong?
No.

Little bit selfish.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

You were extra hard
on him tonight.

What? Extra...?
That's our thing.

That's what we do.
He pushes my buttons.

You know that speech he said
about me never getting angry?

It's because I idolized him.

He would hang out
with my friends.

I'd tag along with his.

- Sid had friends?
- Oh yeah.

And then I went away, and he
was all alone, like, a lot.

When you say it like that,
it makes me feel bad for him.

And then we came back.
We have our thing.

Yeah.

And you're seen
how my parents are.

Yeah, 'cause they never
close any doors.

But that's the kind
of intense, like,

all-in relationship
that Sid's always wanted.

And that's when he started
trying too hard

and saying too much and became
the Sid that you know.

Yep, the Sid
that ruined our wedding.

He didn't ruin our wedding.

Sid stepped on
my wedding dress and tore it.

My wedding dress.
On my wedding day.

And then he invited that
baseball guy as his plus one.

Who does that?

- It's not funny.
- No.

It was not a funny
situation at all.

No, it's not funny.

But he tried to make up
for it.

Yeah, well,
he tries too hard.

Think about the time
and effort it must have taken

to get me that signed photo.

Did I sabotage
things with Kate?

Oh, no, he probably
did that on his own.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You know what?

I am going to send Sid
a friend request.

Aww.

- Look at you.
- Yep.

- So sweet.
- Mm-hmm.

Dear Elizabeth.

Kate broke up with me tonight.
It came out of nowhere.

It was just like
in "Definitely Maybe,"

when you told Ryan Reynolds
that you cheated on him

with his roommate
after he proposed,

to get him to break up
with you,

even though you didn't.

Although I didn't
propose to Kate,

and she didn't say
she cheated on me.

Do you think that means
she did cheat on me?

Oh, and if somebody named
Zoey asks your agent Frankie

if you know me,

could you please
just have her say yes?

I'd really appreciate it.

Eat Wheaties!
Sid.

Anyone call?

Jasper Aronavich called,
and Sid Straw.

- Who is Sid Straw?
- The Banks guy.

- He peeped?
- He said that Zoey Dobbs

might ask you
whether or not you know him,

and if she does,
if you would please say yes.

- Peep, peep, peep.
- What do you want me to do?

Get the restraining order.

- And...
- This is cold.

And if Zoey asks
if you know him?

Sorry to hear
about your girlfriend.

Oh, it's okay.

Gosh, I got tell you, man,
your house, your family.

Like a magazine.

Yep. things are pretty good
at the homestead.

- Yeah.
- Fred.

Come on.
It's time to eat.

Hey, I didn't tell you,

I sent a friend request
to Elizabeth Banks.

I mean, she hasn't
accepted yet, but...

She, um, probably won't.

But her agent
was really nice.

He sent me
an autographed picture.

- Her agent.
- Yeah.

Have I ever told you
the story of the atomic wedgie?

No.

I was six or seven years old.

I had a crush on a senior named
Sherri back in Saegertown.

Now, she was older than me,

but you know
all the pretty girls.

- Yeah.
- So anyway,

she babysits
a friend of mine, Josh, right?

One day Josh invites me over
while she's watching him.

He and I like WWF.
We're horsing around.

- Yeah.
- Sherri's watching.

She says, "I want a turn."
Yes! Okay. Fine.

So she takes it easy,
right in the beginning.

And then she gets Josh in
this serious headlock, right?

Yeah.

- I'm freaking out, I tag in.
- Yeah.

And I give her
an atomic wedgie.

What?

She let go of Josh
pretty fast.

Cut to ten years later.

I sneak in to see
"Basic Instinct,"

and show do I see up
on the big screen but Sherri,

and she's not wearing any...

- Panties.
- That's right, buddy.

You know the story
better than most.

Wait, you were talking
about Sharon Stone?

Well, she's Sherri to me.

You gave a wedgie
to Sharon Stone?

It's my claim to fame.

Do you, like, keep in touch
with her and stuff?

Sharon Stone? No.
She's Sharon Stone.

- That's crazy, man.
- Yeah, it's nuts.

I smell gas.

No.

I don't smell anything.

You smell that?
Oh yeah.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

- Wow, you got a good nose.
- Okay.

I smell it now, yeah.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's it.

No one take a nap.

Dear Elizabeth,

I got a lot
of free time now,

since the breakup,

and I started writing
a children's story.

It's called "Fred Smells."
Here's an excerpt.

"This is a story
I have to tell.

It's all about Fred
and how Fred smells."

By the way,
Professor Katz RSVP'd

and he's coming
to the reunion.

Do you remember when he fell
asleep and someone wrote

"Just a little Katz nap"
on the chalkboard?

That's was me!

You and Tracey Swid
sat in the front row.

I was in the fourth row.

Of course, maybe you didn't
notice me, but I was there.

Hey, is there any way you have
Tracey Swid's contact info?

I mean, I'm single, clearly,
and ready to mingle.

Eat Wheaties!
Sid.

They made me sign for this
at reception.

Apparently,
you've been served.

I need to see you touch it.

Okay.

What?

Restraining order?

- Yeah, this is legit.
- I don't understand.

She lives in Los Angeles.
In live in Arizona.

You know how easy it is
to get a restraining order?

How easy is it?

A phone call,
and one notarized document.

Maybe two phone calls.

But I don't know what
that means exactly.

It means the court declared
you a threat

- to their personal safety.
- In layman's terms,

it means you have to
stay away from them.

I was speaking
in layman's terms.

If layman is a lawyer,
then I agree.

I'm co-chairing
our college reunion.

Elizabeth Banks is invited.
What if she shows up?

You won't be able to go.

Unless you contest
the restraining order.

And win.

I think even the layman
got what I meant.

If you don't stop,

you may not be a layman
for a long time.

So how much would it
be to fight it?

- I bill at 750 an hour.
- I'm 800.

Wow, that's a lot.

You couldn't resolve it
in half an hour, could you?

No.

Sorry.

How much do you charge
by the hour?

$450.

Hmm, you can't do it
in 45 minutes?

No.
No, I can't.

It was nice meeting you.

Welcome to Fisk and Sons.

Are you the Fisk
or are you a son?

I am Fisk.

- Oh.
- And these are my two sons.

- Oh.
- And my wife.

- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

We're not lawyers.

She is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Aww.
How did you two meet?

Online.

Gosh.
The whole world is online.

Oh, tell me about it.

I even got
my law degree online.

I don't want to waste
your time.

How much do you charge
by the hour?

My rate is 85...

dollars an hour.

Perfect.

Yeah?

Put her there.

Hey, buddy.
Hey, buddy, what's going on?

- State Bar of Arizona.
- Hi.

Are you able to confirm
if my lawyer

is in good standing
with this state bar?

- What's his name?
- James Fisk.

He went to John Morris
Law School, dot com.

Come in.

Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt.

I'm gonna have to represent
myself in this matter.

Yeah, no, Sid,
whatever you think is best.

I hate to say this.

- Okay, I need some wipes.
- Hey.

Thank you.

Yeah, also, the bar said
that since your degree

is from a non-accredited
law school,

you're technically
practicing law illegally.

I didn't want to say
that to you.

You're such a nice man.

- No, that makes sense.
- Yeah.

- I just... if I can chime in.
- Yeah.

He really is so much smarter
than he looks.

Oh, yeah.

Baby, that's...
that's a compliment.

- Oh, I know.
- Yeah.

You know, hey, if you ever
get in good standing,

I'd love to work together.

Absolutely, Sid.
And it was nice to meet you.

Yeah, so nice meeting you.
And nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you, Sid.

Sid.

You've been here a long time.

- Mm-hmm.
- Longer than me.

- Yeah.
- You never take vacation.

You use Skype
for long-distance calls.

And you are diligent
with your courtesy flush.

But your recent browser
history is problematic.

Hmm?

You spend too much time
on social media.

Let me explain.

It was for a college reunion,
and I know Elizabeth Banks.

Look, I know it can get
lonely when you're single.

After my divorce, I made
some questionable decisions.

And then I met Ruth.

Ah.

There's zero tolerance
for office tomfoolery.

Consider yourself on notice.

Yes, Bruce.

Dear Elizabeth.

Have you ever felt
like your life

was spiraling
out of control,

like your movie
"Walk of Shame,"

you know minus
the crack dealers?

First, there's
the restraining order,

which I'm sure is a
misunderstanding

with your agent.

Then I got put
on notice at work.

Don't even ask.

And it turns out the caterer

I wanted for the reunion
is double-booked.

I mean, by the looks
of your Facebook page,

things are great for you,
so keep it up.

And if I figure out
the legal stuff,

I'll just look for you
at the reunion.

Eat Wheaties!
Sid.

What?

Oh. No.

- No.
- What?

Well, have you seen
your brother's Facebook?

Oh my God,
it's blowing up.

- What? Why?
- Wait. Stop, I'm reading.

Let me see it.

- What is that?
- Oh, my God.

He's writing crazy posts
on Elizabeth Banks' fan page.

Look, and now people
are starting to take notice.

- Oh, no.
- No.

He doesn't know that
he's posting them publicly.

Look at all the comments.

Wow, it's actually
kind of impressive.

I got to call him,
tell him to take them down.

Yeah, well,
it's too late for that.

What do you mean
it's too late?

You can't take stuff
off the Facebook.

What are you talking about?
Of course you can.

Once it's on...

Hey, Tom.

Sid! Sid!
The Facebook.

You've got to take
the stuff...

Ooh, I need to call you back.
Hi.

Didn't you get my letter?

No, I didn't get anything.

- You need to read my letter.
- Oh. All right.

Well, maybe Jeanne has it.
Sorry. Jeanne?

Hey Jeanne, do you have
a letter for me from...

Oh.

I don't know why
you didn't give this to me.

What?

Sorry.

You said
I was just on notice.

That's before I saw
your posts

on Elizabeth Banks'
Facebook page.

How do you know about those?

- They went viral.
- What does that mean?

It means a lot
of people saw it.

How many people saw it?

Who knows?
Like a thousand.

More like a million.

- What?
- All of our customers.

If you're gonna obsess
over a celebrity,

I suggest you do it
in private.

I'm not obsessed
with Elizabeth Banks.

I'm not obsessed
with Elizabeth Banks.

The restraining order
says otherwise.

That is a temporary
restraining order.

And do you know
how easy those are to get?

It is one phone call
and one notarized document.

Sid, my hands are tied.

It's not good.

Oh my God.

- Congratulations, Sam.
- Thanks, Sid.

Sid, wait.

You forgot these.

- Thank you.
- Yep.

Welcome to your
new office, Sam.

- Holla!
- Holla!

- Who started that?
- I think you did.

- Yeah, maybe I did.
- Yeah, you did.

- Come on in.
- You're a genius, man.

Whoo!

Dear Elizabeth.

I'm really sorry
if my posts embarrassed you.

Going forward, I promise
to send them all privately.

I don't... I don't know
how I missed that.

I got fired today,
after 14 years.

But don't worry,
the job market is strong,

and I'm sure my old boss

will write a great letter
of recommendation.

Plus, now I'll have... you know,
I'll have time to focus

on the venue for the reunion.

Eat Wheaties!
Sid.

You have one new message.

Sid, this is Sarah,

co-chair of the Penn
Reunion Committee.

The dean called me
personally to request

that you be removed
from your position

as co-chair effective
immediately.

Please don't call me back.
Or text. Or email.

- Hey, Sid.
- Hey.

You flying solo tonight?

Oh, just me, myself and pie.

Aww, we took apple pie
off the menu a while ago.

Oh.
Do you have any other pie?

Hmm, key lime.

Hmm, but that's not
until the summer.

It's just me and myself then.

Hmm.
What happened to Kate?

Kate.

Kate went back
to her ex-boyfriend.

Dang.
That's sucks.

- Yeah.
- She seemed nice.

Oh yeah,
she was very nice.

Well, the good news is she's
open to revisiting her exes.

And she's not gonna take out
a restraining order on me.

So that's a plus.

I like your optimism, Sid.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay. All right.

These, my friend,
are on me.

Oh, wow.

Are they virgins?
That's nice?

- Filthy whores.
- Oh.

If you need anything,
let me know.

Ohh.

They are filthy.

Ooh, momma.

Your resume is excellent,
Mr. Straw.

And you seem like
a really nice guy.

I don't know what Bruce Rapp
was thinking letting you go.

But we'd be lucky
to have you.

- Thank you, Ms. Portino.
- Yeah.

Expect to hear from me soon.
So...

- Wonderful. Thank you.
- Thank you.

Hey, Ms. Portino.
How are you?

This is Sid Straw.

Yes, I just wanted to thank you
for the generous offer

for the VP position
of sales and marketing.

I humbly accept,
and I will see you on Monday.

Okay.

Okay.
Thank you so much.

Uh-huh. Bye-bye.

Ha!

Hi, Ms. Portino.
This is Sid Straw.

I'm sorry I missed you.

I don't know what
the background check showed,

but I was curious if there
was anything I could do

to change your mind
about withdrawing the offer.

Thank you so much for meeting
with me about the VP position.

Thank you so much
for meeting me

about the director
of marketing.

Whoo!
Oh yeah.

I can totally move.
Yeah.

I've been dying to go to Ohio.
What's after manager?

Do you have
an assistant manager?

No?

Dear Elizabeth.

I moved back home
with my parents.

It's temporary,
like the restraining order,

which I'm hoping will be
resolved before the reunion.

Eat Wheaties!
Sid.

Here you go.

Turkey bacon okay?

Massive mug.
Yeah, it's fine.

Dear Elizabeth.

Money is tight, and it's
Janet's birthday coming up.

I might have to borrow money
to buy her a gift.

And my mom tried
to tuck me in light.

Egad.

Eat Wheaties!
Sid.

Dear Elizabeth.

I hope you didn't
take that last post

to mean I was asking you
to borrow money.

Eat Wheaties!
Sid.

- Hi. How can I help you?
- Hello.

I'd like to cash
this check, please.

The ID and the check
don't match.

Yeah, I know.

They must have made
a clerical error

at the unemployment office.

Uh-huh.

This check is made out
to Sad Striw.

- You're Sid Straw.
- Straw. Yeah, I know, I know.

I guess they just switched
the A and I.

And they just made Sid Sad.

I'm gonna have to talk
to my supervisor.

- Of course.
- Okay.

Of course.

There's some weird guy
named Sad or Sid or...

Who would name
their kid Sad?

Hello.

Thank you.

Defrauding the state's
unemployment regulations

is a crime, sir.

I-I-I didn't
defraud anyone.

I-I-I'm unemployed.

I've been coming
to this bank for years.

I mean, if you look, there's...

I was just gonna show you where
the addresses are the same.

I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.

No.

- I just... please.
- Don't.

- I can't...
- Stop.

- I was only gonna...
- Stop.

- Thank you, Mom.
- Yeah.

- Order up.
- Ooh, Mom.

All right.
So this is shepherd's pie.

- Mmm.
- But instead of lamb,

I used ground buffalo meat.

It's leaner,
and it's high in omega-3s.

And instead of mashed potatoes,
that's cauliflower.

- Oh, wow.
- Looks delicious.

- Oh.
- Mmm.

- Mmm.
- Oh.

Oh.

You know what, as much
as I would love to eat it,

I'm actually staying away
from wild game.

- Yeah.
- So.

- Dr. Solinski's orders.
- Well.

More leftovers for you, Sid.

One of the perks
of living at home.

Hey, Janet,
I have a surprise for you.

- Happy birthday.
- Oh my goodness.

- Happy birthday.
- Sid.

Wow. Sid.

Let's see.
Oh.

I bedazzled it myself.

Yes, you did.

That is... that is something.

Took me a long time.

I found it on Pinterest.

A lot of people are doing it,
and it's kind of a trend.

People do sweatshirts
and, you know, hats,

and belts seemed to be,
you know,

the one that was
the most popular.

- It's very thoughtful, Sid.
- That's really kind.

- It's...
- Thank you.

So I heard you swung by

Brandon's office
the other day?

Yeah, I did.

He has a really nice office.

Oh, I know, Janet,
I wanted to ask you,

have you heard back
from your friend Zoey,

about Elizabeth Banks' agent?

Yeah.

She heard that they took out

a restraining order
against you.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

But did she find out
if Elizabeth remembered me?

You okay?

Yeah.
Thank you.

Look, Sid, I know these
last few months,

things haven't been
going your way.

Hm.

It's all right.

But I really think

you gotta... you gotta stop.

Stop what?

Stop trying so hard.

Like, with everything.

Look, it's like Mom,
right, and her cooking.

Sometimes, it's just better
to be simple.

Like, normal.
Like, "Hey, Mom,

Can I just have
a regular shepherd's pie?"

I just think
you try too hard,

and it's like the Darryl thing
at the wedding.

Oh, come on.

- That was so funny.
- Yeah.

But you get
what I'm saying, right?

All right.
I'll try to stop trying.

This isn't
an inside joke, Sid.

You are unemployed.

You are living at home
with your parents.

And instead
of picking yourself up,

getting back on your feet,
you're making belts.

And you're wondering whether
Elizabeth Banks remembers you?

I didn't make the belt.
I bedazzled it.

Oh my God.
Sid, look at me.

Elizabeth Banks
doesn't remember you.

Tom, want to get going?

- See you, Sid.
- Yeah, see you.

Keep your eye on the ball.

You were are doing
a lot of chopping,

but no chips are flying.

Hey, I really appreciate
you inviting me out.

I had to get out
of that house.

Yeah, it's gotta be
so depressing.

Oh.

Living under the roof
with your parents again.

Oh, that's okay, Fred.
That's okay.

What's this? What's this?
Elbows down.

You're like a chicken.
All right?

Go!

Bah-gawk.

Here we go.

This is how fast
it's gonna come on the day.

Come on!

Don't look...
just pick them up.

Pick them up.
You're done, you're done.

Put down the bat.
You're done.

I wasn't even gonna go
to the reunion,

but now that you're banned,

I feel like somebody
should go there

just to tell your side
of the story.

I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna do that for you.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh my God, we should
reunite the Hoefish.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God.

- That would be so great.
- We'll do it in honor of you.

- Aww.
- And people will be like,

"Oh, I wish he was here."

I can't believe
I'm missing it.

- Yeah.
- I can't believe it.

You'll be there in spirit.

- Can I hit again?
- No, it's... it's my turn.

It's my turn.

Oh my God, there's
no tears in baseball.

Watch this.

Okay, hold on.
I just... I wasn't ready.

Now I'm ready.

Almost, man.

Ah!

It's, uh...

it's my carpal tunnel.

I have an old judo injury.

Do you think I could try?

Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Give it a shot.

Dear Elizabeth.

I think this will be
my last message for a while.

I finished writing
"Fred Smells,"

but after rereading it,
I realize it stinks.

Dreams can't come true
for everyone.

Otherwise, everyone
would be an actor

or an astronaut
or Dr. Seuss.

I want to thank you
for being there for me

the last few months,
even if you weren't.

Writing to you has made me
feel better about myself.

Thinking that there's
a world where you remember me

and cared about what was
happening in my life.

But now I realize

I need to try harder
to put my life back together.

Or less hard.

Or both, I guess.

I'm gonna fight
the restraining order

and make it to the reunion.

I really hope
you can make it,

and please don't miss it
on my behalf.

Eat Wheaties!

Sid.

I'm telling you,
I'm 100% sure

that in the state
of California...

You're saying that
it doesn't matter

that I went to
a non-accredited law school.

No, I spent hours
researching it,

and I called
three times to confirm.

Okay, so if I did pass
the bar exam,

then would you hire me
for the restraining order?

Yeah. Definitely.

Wait, and does this mean

that we would all get
to go to California?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.

I do know that the bar exam
in California

is known to be
pretty difficult.

Okay, but sweetheart,
I mean, we'll help you.

I will take the kids
full-time.

- I can help.
- With the kids?

- Yeah.
- Wow. Okay.

Do you have any babysitting
experience or anything?

No, but I can try.

You can start
with the older one.

He's so much easier.
He's very calm and...

Gary is the easier one.

Dale is the older one.

Oh, Dale... no.

Yeah, Dale was born
12 seconds earlier.

12 minutes.

12 minutes earlier.

He's a lot smarter
than he looks, really.

Okay.

At some point that stops
being a compliment.

- Okay.
- So are we a go with this?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes!

Honey.

- Okay, we're doing it.
- We're doing it.

- Love you.
- Yes.

Hello.

You know me?

- This is... this is fantastic.
- All right.

And I think you'd be a great
addition to the Spartina team.

- Oh, fantastic.
- I do.

Yeah.
Thank you so much.

All right, let's do this.

So I love an acronym,

and I always... and this
one always.

- Five.
- Oh!

- Good job.
- Okay.

Oh.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Here we go.

- Oh, thank God.
- Yeah!

- You did it!
- Whoo!

You said I could do it.

- You said I could do it.
- Ah!

Okay, the next case on
the docket is number 954532,

a restraining order issued
by Frankie Riceborough

and Elizabeth Banks.

Is she here?

No, your honor.

Oh.

The defendant Sid Straw.

Oh. Yes.
There he is, your honor.

- And who are you?
- My name is James Fisk.

I'm a lawyer,
and this is my first case.

Hmm.

Whoo!

That's my wife.

And what are we doing here?

My client, Ms. Riceborough,

and her client,
Ms. Banks,

have been repeatedly
harassed by the defendant,

and we'd like the temporary
restraining order

made permanent.

It says here that the
defendant lives in Scottsdale.

Mr. Straw, why on earth

are you harassing
Ms. Riceborough and Ms. Banks?

And how exactly
do you know her?

We went to college together.

And I dated her sorority
sister, Tracey Swid.

So you don't really know her.

No, I do.

I did.

Ms. Riceborough,
how exactly has Mr. Straw

been harassing you
and Ms. Banks from Scottsdale?

Well, thank you for asking,
Your Honor.

Mr. Straw has been
incessantly harassing

both me and my client
with letters,

phone calls,
and social media posts,

with the sole intention
of intimidating us

into a relationship in order
to prove how important he is

that he knows a celebrity.

Now, I know we live
in a world

where everyone has
this illusion of access,

that anyone can just
tweet out or friend

their favorite celebrity,
but my job...

excuse me, my duty

is to protect my client
from whack jobs like him.

People who feel like
they're owed the right

to just call us up and
interrupt our busy assistants

to demand
an autographed picture,

and then complain
when they are smudged.

Can-can I say something now?

Can I speak sometime soon?

Mr. Straw, is Ms. Riceborough
telling the truth?

Yes.

I mean, she could have said it
in a nicer way, but yes.

I did ask for
an autographed picture

for my brother's birthday,

and I did contact
her assistant, Keaton,

when I saw that the picture
I was sent had a smudge.

And...

Why are you standing?

I'm-I'm Keaton.

And yeah, he's right.
The photo was smudged.

Continue, Mr. Straw.

And I did post on her
Facebook page some things...

a lot of things.

But I did not mean
to harass her, Your Honor.

Mr. Straw,
you may live far away,

but in this day and age,

we treat cyberbullying
as a serious crime.

And with your college reunion
coming up,

there is a possibility
you will be

in physical proximity to her.

You have been fired
from your job,

removed from
a volunteer position,

and publicly mocked
for your celebrity obsession.

And he also just moved in
with his parents.

I don't know
if that was necessary.

No, I don't know.
I don't know what I'm doing.

Isn't it time
to go back home,

get your life back together,

and just forget all
this Elizabeth Banks nonsense?

This is not about
Elizabeth Banks, Your Honor.

This is about me, Sid Straw,

being able to go back
to my reunion confident

about who I am
and what I've become.

I understand that I'm not the
most exciting person out there,

and I've had
some rough patches, yes.

But I got new friends.

I got a new job.
I'm playing softball again.

And I want to go to my reunion.

And I can't do that

with a restraining order
hanging over me.

Can you tell me one thing
about you and Elizabeth Banks

from college
that would help me believe

that this supposed
friendship of yours

doesn't just exist
in your imagination?

One story that can be
corroborated here today,

in this courtroom?

I have no choice

but to extend the restraining
order by five years.

Wait.

I have a story.

It was my freshman year,
and, uh...

I was having a hard time
making friends.

I think it had something
to do with the fact

that I had a role in banning
hot plates from the dorms.

In my defense, I had just seen
the movie "Backdraft,"

and I had a lot of sensitivity
to fire hazards.

So to meet people, I joined
this coed volleyball team,

and that's where I met
Ms. Banks and Ms. Swid,

who later became my...
girl that I briefly dated.

Our team was not very good.
We weren't very good.

We lost the first two matches,
and then our third match,

we were playing against
all these jocks.

And it got ugly.

Not just the spiking,
but they were mean.

And we were just begging...

begging
for the game to end,

when Elizabeth Banks stepped up
and called a time-out.

I don't even know if there's
time-out in volleyball.

We huddled together
and did it anyway.

And she looked at us,
and she said,

"Did any of you eat
your Wheaties this morning?

'Cause if you did,

now is the time
they're gonna kick in."

And I'm telling you,
in the next ten minutes,

it was nothing short
of a miracle.

It was... it was like
we were pros.

We were spiking,
we series setting,

we were diving for balls,
and saving points.

We were seconds away,
many times, of losing the game,

and we'd get the game back,
and then in the end,

our team was one point away
from winning the game.

And it was my serve.
My serve.

This was my moment to shine.

And I tossed the ball up,
I threw my hand back,

and I just launched it.

Was it an ace?

No, I choked.

And it went out of bounds.

And they won the game.

But here's the deal.

My team was
not angry about it.

We had shown them
what we're made of.

We had shown ourselves that we
can accomplish something

much bigger than winning.

And every single time
after that,

every time we saw
Elizabeth Banks,

she would look at us,
and instead of saying goodbye,

she would say,
"Eat Wheaties!"

And it was like we were
just transported back

to that very specific
moment in time.

Counselor,
can you corroborate

any part of Mr. Straw's story?

Yes, actually I can,
Your Honor.

I would like to present
to you and the court

defense Exhibit A.

Do I just bring
it up to you or...

Okay.

Here is Exhibit A, in which
you will find a photograph

clearly depicting my client,
Mr. Straw,

and two people over, you will
also see a familiar face.

That is Ms. Banks.

Clearly, they're in
the same photograph.

You're gonna have to do
better than that.

Did you see the photo?

Yes.

Your Honor, may I make
a closing statement?

Make it quick.

My client, Sid Straw,
is many things.

Unusual?
Maybe.

Compulsive?
Yeah, you could say that.

Society awkward?
Definitely.

But the one thing
my client is not

is a danger to himself
or any other human being.

I mean, Sid is a good guy.

And I ask you this much.

When you are deciding
my client's fate here today,

please take this into account.

If he did make up and fabricate

the story about the Wheaties,

well, why would
he cast himself as a loser?

Right?
Who would do that?

He did it because
it's the truth.

Sid is a loser...

or was a loser.

Make him a winner.

I don't think you're a loser.

- Oh, no.
- Personally. I love you.

Thanks. I love you too.
That was really good.

I should have wrote
some of that out.

- No.
- It was a little...

No, it was really...
it was perfect.

- It was perfect.
- Thanks.

Ms. Riceborough, do you have
any evidence of Mr. Straw

saying anything intimidating
or derogatory

towards you or Ms. Banks?

Um...

No, Your Honor.

Can you give me one reason

why he might be a danger
to you or Ms. Banks?

Well, he's very persistent.

But he's not a danger.

Well, come to think of it,

we would not be here
wasting the court's time

were it not for
your restraining order,

which you based
on a few phone calls

asking for one autographed
photo, which was smudged,

and some weird Facebook
posts on her page,

of which I'm sure
there are thousands.

I hereby remove
the restraining order,

under the one condition
that you never make

any unsolicited contact
to Ms. Banks again,

either in person
or on social media.

Is that understood?

Yes, Your Honor.
That's understood.

Case dismissed.

Wait.
Your Honor...

Did we just win?

Sort of.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Can I get some?
Can you get some more?

Can I also have some?
Can we both have some?

Oh, I feel good.

Yes.

Oh, that felt good.

Yeah, it still feels good.

I know.

Hey, let's go sue
some other people.

Yes!

You have defamed my client.

That's preposterous.
I can't defame him.

He's not famous.

Defamation is the action

of damaging someone's
good reputation.

I didn't do that.

By providing
false information

to a number of Mr. Straw's
prospective employers...

- Mm-hmm.
- You did indeed cause

"ear-rep-pair-a-buhl" harm
to my client.

We withdrew our offer to
Mr. Straw in a timely manner.

By conducting a background
check on Mr. Straw

without his express
written permission,

you have violated federal law

under the Fair Credit
Reporting Act.

Did you see his posts?

Did you hear what I said
about violating federal law?

I would put a staple
through my hand

before I let you do it again.

- Is that what you want?
- That's not...

Do you want me to put
a staple through my hand?

No, I don't think we want
to do that.

I'll do it.

- Okay, guys.
- You see that?

That's...

That's a staple
in a man's hand for a friend.

Consider this, uh...

repaired.

- Ah-ah.
- Ooh.

- Thank you.
- Okay, wow, grabby.

Your book is the first
I've ever published

from a cold submission.

You know what tells me?

- You know what I smell?
- Hmm?

- Success.
- Ah.

I think Sid
also smells sequels.

Sequels?

Do I sign right...
do I sign right here?

Ah, yes.
Sign right there.

- Hello.
- Excuse me, sir, you...

Um, just one second.

Sure.

- Welcome back, Mr. Straw.
- Oh, thank you.

Would you like us
to deposit these for you?

Oh no, thank you.

I'm taking my money to a bank
where people are kinder.

Oh, wow.

I didn't think
I'd be this nervous.

Yeah. Me too.

Are you sure
this is the place?

Yeah, this is the address.

This looks a little
underdressed, you know?

Thought there'd balloons or...

- I know, me too.
- Something.

Well hey, good luck.

Thanks.

I really couldn't have
gotten here without you, James.

You know, I am real, real
proud to call you my client.

I'm proud to call
you my lawyer.

I'm proud to call you my...

I'm not on the committee.
I should probably get inside.

Oh, no.
Yeah, no, do your thing.

Show these Ivy Leaguers
how to party.

To be continued.

Hello.

Sarah.

Oh.

Namey-taggey.

Just let's see.

Okay. Okay.

Ah.

All right.

Can't believe he's here.

Hey.
Duncan.

- Oh, my God.
- Ah, hey, Sid.

Hey.
I'm so happy to see you.

- Where the hell is everybody?
- I don't know.

We're the only Hoefish here.

God dang it.

The Facebook page made
it look so good.

I know.
They got a lot of likes.

Hey, did you get my book?
Did you get it?

I sent it like two days ago.

- Yeah.
- Did you read it to Fred?

No, no, I did not.

- Why?
- I'm not gonna read a book

called "Fred Smells"
to my son Fred.

Why?
It's... that's a play on words.

How about I read you a book
called "Sid Stinks Like Ass"?

No, no, no, you...
you don't understand.

"Fred smells" is a verb.

"Fred smells"
is not an adjective.

It's a cash bar.

No, listen, listen.
Okay?

Sometimes Fred smells and says,
"That's delightful."

Sometimes he smells and says,
"That's frightful."

It doesn't matter
where Fred goes.

Nothing gets past
his sensitive nose.

It sounds like he stinks.
I don't know.

Congratulations
on your book deal.

Is that what you're
looking for?

Congratulations
on your new job,

on your landmark win
of the trial.

I want to mingle
with other people.

Is Elizabeth Banks coming?

Do you really think
she would come,

knowing he would be here?

- Hey, Sid.
- Hey.

I just got off work
and I thought

maybe I could sit with you?

Oh, please, you kidding?
I'd love it.

- Awesome.
- I would love it. Ooh.

But I do not need
another filthy whore,

I'll tell you that much.

I need a friend right now.

Aww.
What's going on?

It's been an exhausting day.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
When is Kenny picking you up?

Yeah.

- I dumped him a while ago.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- You did?

Yeah.

Do you ever date customers?

- No.
- No.

- Nah.
- Yeah.

Would you ever date me?

Oh, sorry.

Let me...
oh, this is my brother.

Sorry, I gotta get this.

Hey, Tom, what's up?

What?

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

- Dude, congratulations.
- Thank you.

There's a person I've never met
in our hospital room.

Oh, yes, sorry, sorry.
This is Wendy.

How you doing, Wendy?
I'm Tom Straw, Sid's brother.

Hi. I'm Janet Berry-Straw.

No relation
do Darryl Strawberry?

- Okay.
- Sid.

No, I did... I've never
said anything to you

about Darryl Strawberry,
have I?

Uh-uh.

Sid.

That's freaking weird.

Somebody want to tell me
what we're laughing at?

Just show her.

This was at their wedding.

This is... this is Darryl
Strawberry and Sid,

dancing the Macarena.

Yeah, at their wedding.

Wait, you invited
Darryl Strawberry

to your brother's wedding.

- Yes. He was my plus one.
- And he came.

And he came.
And he was a really nice guy.

What drugs
did they give you?

Good ones, I think.

- He's good.
- He's good, yeah.

- Wait for it.
- Yeah, wait for it.

- No, no, not the dress.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh!

Oh, the dress.
The dress.

- Both girls.
- Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it was bad.

It was bad.

I would never do that.
I would just...

Oh my...

All right,
we'll let you guys go.

We just wanted to say...
come in and say hi.

Actually, we want to
ask you something.

Oh, yeah.

What, me?

Oh, right.

We want you
to be the godfather.

Don't cry.

Don't cry.
You're gonna make me cry.

Sid.

- So amaze...
- Don't. Don't make me cry.

- So amazing.
- Aww.

But listen, no speeches
at the christening, okay?

- Okay.
- I give a good speech.

- They're literally the worst.
- I give a good speech.

Awful.
Do you want to hold her?

- Yes, I want to hold her.
- Okay, come here.

I want to hold her.
I want to hold her.

Just watch her head.
It's so fragile.

- Hi, baby.
- Watch her head.

- There we go.
- Hi, baby. Hi, baby.

Hey.

I'm Uncle Sid.

Someone is calling
you right now.

No, no, it's okay.

The only people I want
to talk to are in this room.

Yes.
I want to talk to you.

Hi. Sid, it's Liz.
Elizabeth. Banks.

It's Elizabeth Banks
from Penn.

And "Spiderman."

Anyway, I just
read your posts.

Of course I remember you.

I know this sounds crazy,
but ask anyone who knows me.

Whenever I meet someone who is
especially nice, I always say,

"You remind me
of this awesome guy

I went to college with,
Sid Straw."

Oh gosh, I just realized
what time it is in Arizona.

I'm sorry, I really hope
I didn't wake anybody.

I just got back
from filming overseas,

and the jetlag has me, like...
waah... all over the place.

Okay, so you should call me
so we can catch up.

Eat Wheaties!

Hey, I forgot to leave
my phone number.

It's Liz, again,
from "Spiderman 2" and "3".

The first "Spidermans."

You know,
they made other ones.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind.
I got your number from Keaton.

Which reminds me,
my kids love "Fred Smells."

Maybe we can make that
into a movie?

Anyway, all right.
You should call me back.

Eat Wheaties!