All language subtitles for Crappy.Mothers.Day.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-EVO

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In 1914
it became official.

President Woodrow Wilson
signed a proclamation

designated Mother's
Day a national holiday.

Mothers cheer across the
country as they'll be honored

every year on the
second Sunday of May.

Finally, the respect
they deserve.

Mothers love to dress
up and prance around

in their favorite hats.

She can compete in the
annual Mother's Day log roll.

Always a treat.

Send cards, flowers,
treats, and candy to mom.

Children show their love by
serving her breakfast in bed.

Don't worry about the
dirty dishes kids,

mom can always
wash them tomorrow.

Why not have a barbecue?

Let mom get outdoors
for a change.

Why make her cook
over a hot stove

when she could cook over
a hot grill instead.

Moms give the love that
only mothers can give.

They hold you in their arms
and make you feel safe.

Say a prayer for your mothers
welfare on this special day.

Remember, a mother
is the best thing

to celebrate on Mother's Day.

I think we should
check places in Dumbo.

Forget it, I don't
wanna live in an area

named after a flying
baby elephant.

Besides, I loved that
apartment in Tribeca.

Remember, with the
elongated toilets?

Oh my God, will you stop
with the elongated toilets.

What is the big deal.

You just said it,
big. They're bigger.

More comfortable. Have
you ever tried one?

I don't know, it's not
something I've thought,

I guess not, no.

Well don't knock
it till you try it.

Your ass will thank you.

Hey, leave my ass
out of this.

The other thing is that
apartment is way over our budget.

Come on, not that much.

Plus the kitchen had
fantastic granite countertops

and all stainless
steel appliances.

James, you have to stop
watching House Hunters.

Please listen to me.

Oh no!

What? Who is it?

Uh, nobody, I just remembered
I left something at work.

What?

Ah, A report! I have to
go get it let's, let's go.

You know what?

It could wait.

Sarah, what's with
you, who is that? -

Nobody. Who, what do you mean?

Come on, Sarah, you keep
looking over at that woman,

do you know her?

No, no, just sit like
that and don't move.

Don't turn around!

Sarah, who is it?

All right, I'll tell you.

It's my mother.

Wait a minute, you told
me your mother was dead.

I know. I might've stretched
the truth a little.

A little?

So whose grave have
we been visiting?

Oh my God, is that you? Sarah?

Oh, God help me.

Hi honey!

Oh, Dimp, get over here, you're
never gonna believe this.

This is my daughter, Sarah.

Hi.

Oh.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Are you kidding?
Is this a joke?

Oh, and this is
my fiance, Dimpy.

Oh, nice to meet you.

James, this is my
mother, Theresa.

Mother Theresa.

Oh yeah, I know, it's
fine, just call me Totie.

This is my fiance James.

Nice to meet you, Dimpy.

Oh, nice to meet you Jimbo.

You know, my real name is
John, but once I lost my eye

everyone started
calling me Dimpy.

Dimpy?

Yeah, you know,
'cause you lost my eye.

- I don't-
- yeah, you don't get it,

right? A lot of people don't.
Yo, are those chocolate chip?

- Okay, you know what honey,
- There's nothing to get.

can you go get us
some chairs, Dim?

What does your name-

- Hey Jim, why don't
you go get 'em.

You're up.

Okay, oh, thank you. So sweet.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Well, can't you tell?

We saw The Killers last
night at The Garden.

What a show.

Dimpy got wasted.

Killers! I'm the man!

No, you're not, sit
down, eat your cookie.

Do you guys like The Killers?

You know what? You're
never gonna believe this

but I was gonna call you today.

- Really?
- Yeah.

After four years you
were gonna call me today.

Yeah, better late
than never, right?

Sometimes never is better.

- What?
- Hmm? Nothing.

Last I heard you were
living in Amsterdam?

Oh, yeah, we had
to get out of there.

Too easy to get high.

And you know, I
gotta be careful now.

In case you didn't notice
I got one in the oven.

And with this new baby I'm
gonna do things right this time.

Oh, no offense, sweetie.

Oh, with you Mom I'm
way past being offended.

We know it's gonna be a boy

so we're gonna name
it Stalin, mm-hmm.

You mean like Joseph Stalin?

Yeah, I guess so. I seen
it on the History Channel.

He was like the head
of Russia or something.

He's known as one

of the most murderous
dictators in history.

Yeah, whatever, but you
gotta admit it's a cool name.

Mom, don't you think
maybe you're a little old

for a new baby? No
offense, mommy dearest.

Oh honey, don't you
worry, this is it, right?

I mean we're gonna do
safe sex now, right Dimp?

Oh yeah, that's it.

We were down at the
Greenwich Village yesterday

and we went to a place
called Condomaniacs.

They got all kinds
of condoms there.

Glow in the dark, edible
ones, all kinds of colors.

I put a green one on,
I said "Come on baby,

"you're gonna do the big
Hulk tonight."

It's more like doin' the
medium sized Hulk, honey.

Oh, come on, come
one, you loved it.

You know, your mother,
she is crazy in bed.

When she has an
orgasm she whistles

just like this.

Okay, that's a little
too much information.

I think it's great. You
know. She's like a tea kettle.

I know when she's done.

So what's up with you guys?

We are looking
for a new apartment.

Oh, new digs! Fantastic!

Yes, it is. We found this
really nice place in Tribeca.

Bedroom's a good size.
I'd like to paint it tan.

Sort of wheat color.

Sarah wants more of a
putty or a sand tone

but I just think wheat
is such a calming color.

Thank you. Thank you.

For what?

I was constipated but now

you're boring the
shit out of me.

I'm kidding, I'm
kidding.

He's so funny!

Oh come on. No, but
seriously I do have to go.

- Okay.
- So pardon me,

I gotta go drop a friend
and drain the lizard.

He's hilarious.

Do they have a waiter?

You know what, I'm just
gonna go grab a coffee okay?

I'll be right back kids.

This is a joke, right?

This is your idea
of a practical joke.

Okay, ha, ha, ha,
ha, very funny.

Now can you just pay them or
whatever and make them leave.

No joke.

I refuse to believe
that that's your mother.

I've been trying
to do that for years

but unfortunately it's true.

What happened?

She's like Roseanne
Barr's obnoxious sister.

I don't know, okay?

All I can tell you is
growing up was hell.

I was embarrassed all the time.

At my high school graduation
she went streaking

through the crowd with
one of her many friends.

I mean, thank God I
went away to college.

But we only saw each
other on holidays

and after awhile we
just kinda lost touch.

I mean this is the first
I've seen here in years.

Wow.

What a relief,
that's much better.

So...

Excuse me, I have to make
an important phone call.

What call?

Um... To the vet about the dog.

What dog?

Didn't I tell
you? I got us a dog.

Oh, what's his name?

Um, Justin.

Oh, like Justin Bieber?

Exactly, I'm a big fan.

Really? Huh, that's
a little weird.

So is Sarah. I did
it mostly for her.

Oh that's sweet I guess.

I'll be right back.

James. James?

So when are you due?

About two months.

Mm, you getting by all right?

Great!

I mean you and Dimpy,
are you getting by okay?

Oh, I'm getting disability
and Dimpy he's doing great too.

He fixes up cars and
sells them on eBay.

Oh, that's exciting!

Yeah, and now we're
moving out to Las Vegas.

He has a son that works
out there as a dealer.

He's gonna put us up
for a little while.

And he hooked us up
with this casino school

so we're gonna learn
how to be dealers too.

There's mega moolah
in that.

But how are you doing?

Fine.

Well, you know your guy,
he seems nice, Justin?

No mom, that's the dog's name.

Oh, well, you know what I
say, all men are dogs.

Speaking of dogs,
how's your father?

Have you heard from him?

He died two years ago.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

That's okay, how
could you know?

You were too busy getting
high in Amsterdam.

Oh now, Sarah-

- No, you know what,
sorry I brought it up.

When do you leave for Vegas?

Monday!

You know honey it's a long trip

and we're just a
little short on cash.

How much?

Now you know this
is just a loan.

How much?

I don't know, I mean
what do you think?

I mean how much do you think-

- I've got $150.

Do you maybe have
your checkbook on you?

No mom, that's what I have.

Okay, okay, no this
is great, thanks!

Okay, and you know what,
as soon as I get to Vegas

You know, I'm gonna
wire the money to you.

Sure, sure, okay.

Okay, and oh, you know,
after we get settled in there

maybe you and, and...

James?

Yeah. You and James,
you guys should come out

and you know, for
a visit, you know?

I mean... Maybe around
Christmas time?

Sure, that'd be great.
Who needs a white Christmas?

Exactly.

And you know, I'm also
glad I ran into you today

because tomorrow,
as you know, is...

Sunday?

Very funny. It's
Mother's Day, all right?

And well, I'm gonna go
visit your grandmother

and I think that it'd be nice

if you and your
fella came along.

Oh, I don't really
know about that.

Oh, come on, your grandma
would love to see you.

I don't know if
your boyfriend's okay.

I found him sleeping on the
floor in the men's room.

I got him up, he's washing
his face, he seems all right,

but I'm not so sure.

Did you pass out again?

Again?

Oh yeah, he's got low
blood pressure or something.

Sometimes he'll
go down anywhere.

Hey, I didn't pass out.

I got sleepy so I
decided to lay down.

And nothing's more comfortable

than a nice dirty
men's room floor?

Hey, I like to sleep
and any place will do.

You know, sleep is like death
without the side effects.

What does that mean?

If you don't know
I can't explain.

I love that soap
from the bathroom.

- Smell my hand.
- No.

Mm, everything smells
good on me, go ahead smell.

Stay away from me!

Whoa, take it easy.

Okay, you know what
we gotta get packing

so we can get ready
to go but listen,

it was nice to meet you...

James.

Right. Okay, don't forget.

You ask him, I'm sure he'll
agree it's a good idea.

Ask me what?

Nothing.

It's a Mother's Day surprise.

Sarah will tell
you all about it.

I've had enough surprises.

It's more than
surprise, it's shocking.

James, calm down, we'll
talk about it later.

Okay, you talk about
it but we'll expect you.

Okay, we're gonna see
you later, take care.

All right, yeah, see ya!
Wouldn't wanna be ya.

Yes, you would.

I don't like that word expect.
What do they expect?

She wants us to go
to my grandmother's tomorrow

to have a double
Mother's Day celebration.

No!

I cannot, that's a
big expect, too much.

James, I have no
intentions of going.

Do you think I want to go?

I mean do you?
No, why would you?

James stop. We're not going
so just forget about it.

Thank you, thank
you, thank you.

Maybe we should.

Did you say maybe we should?

Yeah. Look, I gotta meet all
your family sooner or later.

Why not get it over with?

Ooh, that didn't sound right.

That's okay, believe
me, I understand.

Is your grandmother Spanish?

No, why?

Well it's the music.

James, are you absolutely
sure you wanna do this?

No. Maybe.

No.

Sure. Look, we're getting
married, I need to meet them.

Let's do it.

Oh, you must be a masochist.

If you thought my mother was
bad that was just a taste.

Prepare yourself.

If you still wanna
marry me after this

I will know it's true love.

If you're trying to talk
me out of this it's working.

It's
open, come on in.

I can't open it,
I think it's locked.

No, it's not.

Try harder, it's never locked.

Let me try.

Come in already!

What the frick is
wrong with you?

I am sorry, we're trying,
I really think it's locked.

Oh it's probably
stuck, it's not locked.

Oh, it's locked. Damn,
who locked this door?

Hi grandma.
Happy Mother's Day.

Who the hell are you?

Okay, wrong house, let's go.

Very funny grandma.

It's Sarah, your granddaughter?

Really, I wouldn't know.

I forgot what she looks like.

I haven't seen her for years.

Don't exaggerate, I'm sorry.

Did your mother
tell you to come by?

Oh she-
I spoke to her

the other day, she told
me she bumped into you.

Now that's one I
really haven't seen in years.

I know.

Who's this?

Oh, sorry!

Stop saying sorry.

What? Oh right, sor... um, this
is my fiance, James.

Some fiance, he couldn't
even open the door.

It was locked.

It was stuck.

You said-

- Nevermind, who are these for?

Mom.

How come they're bigger?

Just a different kind of
flower, they grow a little big.

I'll take these.

Well don't just stand there.

Where is everybody?

Lenny and Donny are
working, they'll be back

in a little while.

Your mother'll be here
later to bring the cake.

Oh!

So this is the fiance.

Yes, I met-

- Hold it, I wanna shut the TV.

I started getting into
that Telemundo stuff.

I don't know why,
I can't understand a word they're saying.

But I'm crazy about the music.

And the women, they are
just fantastic looking.

You like 'em, huh?

Well it's-

- It's okay, even though
you're getting married

you can look, just don't touch.

- Okay.
- Grandma, stop.

Do you have a job?

- Yes I work-
- I don't care where.

As long as you have a job.

You want something to drink?

Sure.

Would you like Tang?

I'm not sure what that is.

What are you, un-American?

That's the drink of the
astronauts! We love it!

Well, Totie'll be by
with something else soon.

Is the cake here?

Oh no, not yet,
but your niece is.

Holy jump up and sit down.

Look who it is?

We're gonna have
a regular reunion.

First Totie comes by who
I haven't seen in years

and now little Sarah.

Yeah, it's been awhile.

I'm sorry, I mean, I
apologize for that.

How are you?

Where's the cake?

Calm down, Totie'll
be here soon.

Uncle Lenny, this
is my fiance, James.

Hey James, how they hangin'?

Very well, thank
you, how are yours.

I mean, how are you?

Great, couldn't be better.

Really, I wish
I could say that.

Uncle Donny, James.

Well the prodigal
niece has returned.

Hello James the fiance.

"James the Fiance" that
would make a good title.

Nice to meet you.

Hey Sarah, guess
where we're workin'?

A comic book store?

We're playing super
heroes on Times Square.

Oh! Oh, I didn't
recognize your costume.

Well, check this out.

I'm Mesh Man!

And I'm That Man.

You mean Batman.

They were all out
of Batman costumes

so I got That Man.

What is That Man?

That Man is like Batman,
only it's That Man.

What does that mean?

- It's like-
- Forget it Donny,

he doesn't understand,
he doesn't get it.

Wait a minute.

I wanted to be Spider Man

but this is the
closest they had.

Donny wanted Batman.

But I don't know how you
call Batman a superhero,

he has no superpowers.

Spider Man would kick his ass.

Batman is rich, smarter,
and better looking.

He's all about the gadgets.

I'm not gonna debate with
someone who's just wrong.

Now if you'll excuse
me, I'm feeling weak

and I must retire and
do more preparation.

Are you okay?

Totie's bringing cake
and he can't have none.

Don't mention that.

He has to get a pipe
up his butt tomorrow

so he can't eat anything.

A pipe?

I'm going for a colonoscopy
and I'm supposed to fast

a whole day before.

I can't eat anything.

I had to lie down in the hallway
and give myself an enema.

Sort of clean house.

Wait, why the hallway?

Bed was too soft.

I couldn't get the
right angle, you know?

So I had to get a hard surface.

Okay, that's a little
too much information.

Well, she asked.

And I have to drink
this lemon laxative mix,

it's thick like oil.

I have to drink a gallon of it.

Ask him where he's
getting it done.

Trenton.

Isn't that insane?

Why all the way down there?

He has a friend who's a doctor

and he's giving it to him
for his birthday present.

You're getting a colonoscopy
as a birthday gift?

Well he said I'm
at that certain age

I should have one done.

So he's giving me one as a gift.

And then after the procedure
he'd treating me to dinner.

First he cleans him
out, then he fills him up.

And you don't think
that's an unusual gift?

Not at all. He's
thinking about my health

and it's the thought that counts

so I think his heart
is in the right place.

I think there's something
wrong with the guy.

He's a good doctor.

Tell 'em what
he did last exam.

Don't, no, no.

While he was checking his butt

he started combing Donny's
hair. That can't be right!

He said it was part, He said
it was part of the procedure.

You know. To keep me calm.

It makes sense doesn't it?

Oh yeah, sure.

Knock it off, come sit down.

Totie'll be here
soon with the cake.

So grandma, how are you doing?

I mean without grandpa.

She's great. We buried
him in the backyard.

What?

Yeah, come on, look.

See the big "Daddy"
sign out there?

That's where we put him.

Is that even legal?

This is America,
everything's legal.

No it's not.

If you have enough money and
know the right people it is.

I thought you
had him cremated.

We did, we kept him in a
mayonnaise jar for awhile

on the shelf till mom
said bury him in the yard.

I was sick of him hanging
around when he was alive.

Why would I want him
around when he's dead?

I think he's
happier out there.

You know with the fresh air,
the birds and everything.

Still, I wish he
was here.

Anyway, enough of that,
this is a celebration.

It's Mother's Day
so let's celebrate!

Jim, you ever had
any homemade vodka?

I don't think so.

Well come on in the
kitchen, we'll fix you up.

Ooh, I don't know
if that's a good idea.

James isn't much of a drinker.

Yeah, but this is pure stuff.

It's the elixir of the gods.

Come on!

Okay, I guess so.

Hey Donny! Get out here,
we're gonna hit the hooch!

Aren't you supposed to
fast, like not have anything?

The doctor said just liquids.

I'll put a few shots in here,

I'll make a colosto cocktail.

You're gonna drink
vodka in your pajamas?

They're not pajamas,
it's lounge wear.

I told you that,
it's lounge wear.

Whatever, whatever.

Mom, quick, cover your
ears.

Oh my God, what was that?

Believe it or not
that was a sneeze.

It terrifies the
life out of grandma

so she said he has to warn
everybody ahead of time.

Well it didn't work, you
scared me half to death.

Next time just say
you're going to sneeze.

Vodka time!

All right!

Careful.

Okay, before we start I
have to ask you a question.

Who do you like better,
Mickey Mouse or Jesus?

I like them both.

That's the right
answer. Now we can drink.

Whoa, that's a
heavy duty bottle.

This is steel, baby.
We have to use it.

This is potent
stuff. Here you go.

This'll put hair on your chest.

Second shot, turn 'em gray.

To Sarah and James
the happy couple.

Oh, mommy, help me.

- Good, huh?
- You feel the burn?

This is the fuel for
the fire in all of us.

Finish it.

Ooh.

I just hope he'll be okay,

he's not used to drinking vodka.

Come on in, it's open.

Dorth, guess what?

My grandson Timmy just
got a deer at 13 years old

and he shot his first deer!

That's great.

You know what else
is shot? My liver.

What?

My liver, I only have 10%
of it working, I'm dying.

Is that true?

- Sarah honey, hi, how are you?
- Come give me a hug.

Hi Aunt Sunny.

Don't you think that's
wrong teaching a kid

to kill an innocent animal?

Well you gotta thin the heard.

Yeah, but.

Who's gonna do it? You?

They'll take over all
the backyards in America.

If you don't kill 'em...

Are you saying my granddaughter
couldn't kill a deer?

I don't want to kill a deer.

Oh she's talking about
an innocent animal.

Well it is.

She could kill a wolf
or a bear if she wants to.

Oh please.

This is an insane
conversation.

And she's right, it
is an innocent animal.

Your grandson killed Bambi.

They're full of ticks,
did you know that?

My daughter will
never walk properly

because of a tick bite.

She has Lyme disease.

When did your daughter
ever walk properly?

She's been a mess since birth.

She didn't get a tick bite.

You bit her.

What?

- You heard me.
- No, I didn't.

What?

You talk to low,
I didn't hear you.

I do not!

Now I can hear you
when you talk like that.

That's the way I always talk.

No it isn't.

There's something
wrong with your ears.

Oh, I know, I
have ear problems.

I can't hear so well.

Anyway, my daughter
will never be the same

because of a deer
and a tick bite.

She's not well.

Forget about the tick
bite, what about me?

I'm not well.

I have diabetes,
I'm worried sick.

What about my arthritis?
I'm taking all kinds of pills.

Look at all of
these prescriptions.

My doctor says it's starting
in my little finger.

Oh there's nothing wrong
with your little finger.

And don't forget, they had
to rush me to the hospital

last month because my heart
stopped and they don't know why!

I have low blood potassium.

I have to eat 16 bananas a day

just to keep my
potassium levels normal.

No you don't,
you take tablets.

Tablets don't work. 16 a day!

Ask the doctor if
you don't believe me.

You're lucky you
don't have IBS.

PBS? I don't even have cable!

Not PBS.

Hey Aunt Sunny, how come
these say Olga on here?

Oh, that's my real name.

I never really liked it,

it didn't suit my bright
and cheery disposition

so I renamed myself Sunny.

You're kidding, right?

And don't forget
about my husband, Fred.

I have to take
him everywhere now

because he can't drive anymore.

Be thankful you have a husband.

My husband is dead.

Oh, I know he's dead,
don't rub that in my face.

All your complaining
probably killed him.

Hey, Aunt Sunny, take it easy.

Get out! How dare
you say that to me?

It's a joke, I'm joking!

Get out!

Sarah, tell her I'm joking.

Get out before I
smash your face in.

I'm going, I'm going.

I'm late for my hairdresser
appointment anyway.

Bye Sarah.

And don't you dare come back

in this house again
until you apologize.

Ooh, she drives me crazy!

Don't let her get to
you, are you all right

with your liver and diabetes?

Huh?

Oh yeah.

I just make that stuff
up to aggravate her.

Oh she drives me crazy.

Just try and stay calm.

You know, we're
the only animals

that drink other animals milk.

Think about that.

I don't want to.

Hey Jim, can I ask you
something about underwear?

Yeah.

What kind do you wear?

Boxers.

- Cotton?
- Yeah.

Do you like them 50%
polyester and 50% cotton?

No.

I don't think I do either.

It's confusing buying underwear.

Some are 50/50, some are 60/40.

It's hard to find all cotton.

I feel your pain.

Life can be extremely
tricky sometimes.

Ever see those boxer jockey?

They're kinda half
boxer, half jockey.

Kind of tight, but not so.

You mind if I show
you my underwear?

Yes, I do.

I wanna see what you think.

You got apes on
your underwear.

I love apes.

And fact I'm a big
"Planet of the Apes" fan.

Wear did you get those?

I don't know, mom bought 'em.

She said I should
start wearing boxers.

Said it's healthier
for my package.

What do you think of these?

Yeah, they're good.

However what makes 'em great is

you got apes on your underwear.

"Planet of the Apes" is
one of my favorite movies.

I'd like to get myself
a pair of those.

Hey Donny, did you hear
what he said? "However".

It's funny. Who
says "however"?

These are nice.

However they're a little
too long and boxy.

However some are more short.

And however, not so boxy.

Okay, enough with the however.

I wonder if you
could do me a favor.

Totie was supposed
to take me shopping

for a pantsuit ,
God knows where she is.

Would you mind running me over?

Oh, yeah, I guess so,
just let me go get James.

Oh let them be.

He's having such a
good time with my boys.

Male bonding I
guess they call it.

I guess so.

Sounds gay to me.

Okay.

I'm just gonna to tell
him we're leaving.

Wow that feels nice, is
that nice, is that silk?

What the hell, what
is going on in here?

Look, I'm turning gray.

Nevermind that, why is
Uncle Lenny without pants

and why are you
touching his underwear?

He's showing me
his apes boxers.

Pretty cool, right? I love
the "Planet of the Apes".

Honey, can you get
me a pair of these?

Stop touching
him! Are you okay?

Couldn't be better.

Yeah, I doubt that.

Look, I'm going to the
store with grandma,

we'll be back soon.

Have fun.

Attention shoppers,
I'm drinking vodka.

James are you absolutely
sure you're going to be okay?

You're not used to
drinking hard liquor.

This is different.
It's homemade.

It's pure nectar.
From the potato gods.

So I heard.

Donny, are you sure you
should be drinking this

before your colonoscopy?

It's okay. It makes the lemon
laxative stuff taste great.

Also, it might clean
me out a little faster.

I may have a little trouble
controlling my sphincter muscle

so just in case I'm
wearing adult diapers.

Are you serious?

Wanna see?

No, God! No, stop!

Why do you have to share
this information with me?

You asked.

James, are you sure
you're going to be okay.

I'm dandy.

I shouldn't leave him alone,

I've got a bad
feeling about this.

He'll be fine.

Come one, get me to the
store before it closes.

Hey Jim, you hungry? You
want some forever stew?

What's that?

It's a pot of stew
that's never empty.

First we eat some, then
we add some ingredients

and put it back in
the refrigerator

and then we take it the next day

and add more
ingredients every day.

That can't be sanitary.

Who cares? It never goes away.

Besides, doctors
say once in awhile

a little E. Coli
is good for you.

I don't think that's true.

Mm.
That's good eatin'.

Watch this, I used
to be a juggler.

Show him, Donny.

Whoa!

Oh.

Thanks.

No problem.

What's that supposed to mean?

What?

You said, "No problem," could
there have been a problem?

No, I gave you the spoon,
it's a figure of speech.

No, you said, 'cause you said,
"No problem," which leads me

to believe that maybe there
have been problems in the past.

Nah, dude, never.

Don't you disrespect
me for who I am

or who I might be.

I would never do that.

I just pick up spoons sometimes.

Relax man,
we're just messing with you.

Yo, relax, what's wrong?

I'm a negaholic.

What's that?

I'm addicted to
being negative.

Cheer up, it's
a beautiful day.

We're sitting around
having some drinks.

Yeah, but it's
supposed to rain later

and I just washed my car.

Shut up and drink.

Oh.

Lenny, it's time
for the vodka dance.

Show him how it's done.

♪ Vodka, vodka, vodka ♪

♪ Vodka, vodka, vodka ♪

♪ Vodka, vodka, vodka ♪

♪ Vodka, vodka, vodka ♪

♪ The vodka goes in ♪

♪ The vodka goes out ♪

♪ The vodka goes in ♪

♪ The vodka goes out ♪

♪ The vodka goes in ♪

♪ The vodka goes- ♪

Wait, hey, wait a minute,
what's the beat box?

What is that?

Pft.

The vodka go, come
on, vodka, vodka, vodka.

The vodka goes in.

- The vodka goes out.
- Vodka, vodka, vodka!

- Vodka. All right.
- The vodka goes...

I like this.

Good, okay, why don't you
try it on in the dressing room.

I think they're right there.

Oh that's okay, I'll
just slip it on right here.

What, no, not here,
in the dressing room.

Why, what's the difference?

You can't just do a
strip tease right here

in the middle of the store.

Nobody's gonna care
about an old woman

taking off her clothes.

Unless they're some
kind of pervert.

Okay.

Oh come on, give me your hand
so I don't fall on my face.

Since you're such a big
"Planet of the Apes" fan

I wonder if you've
ever seen one of these?

Oh, what's that?

Check this out.

All the "Planet of the
Apes" movies right here.

You keep them in his head?

How great is that?

Yeah.

Do you have the one
that Tim Burton directed?

No. Don't ever mention
that movie again.

Okay.

If you do, we'll
have to hurt you

and then you'll have
to leave, understand?

Okay.

We're serious. You understand?

Capiche?

- Yes!
- Verstehen?

Okay. Okay.

What about "Rise of the
Planet of the Apes"?

Oh that's great.

- We love that one, fantastic.
- Fantastic.

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.

Excuse me, ma'am? You
cannot undress here.

You have to change
in the dressing room.

Don't tell me what to do,
I'll whack you in the face.

What?

You heard me.

Don't talk to me like that.

Oh, I'm sorry, how
about take a hike, girl!

Is that all right?
Is that better?

Okay, you know what?

I don't get paid
enough for this.

I'm gonna get the
owner of the store.

Oh, the owner, oh, I'm afraid.

Grandma, stop.

Do I have to whack
you too to get you-

- All right, all right, what
seems to be the problem ma'am?

I don't have a problem.

- She has the problem.
- Don't touch me.

All right, all
right, that's enough.

You can't touch her
like that, ma'am,

and you can't stand around
with no clothes on in my store.

Why, am I turning you on?

Oh please, you're just
being vulgar now ma'am.

You want vulgar?
Look in a mirror.

Okay, all right, that's it.

Police station's two blocks away

don't make me call.

When I say run, run.

What, no, just put your
pants on and we'll leave.

Nobody tells me what to do.

Ma'am, ma'am, please just go.

We'll forget the whole thing.

Ow! You hurt my arm.

You should be
ashamed of yourself

picking on a little old lady.

- Ow! Jeez!
- Run!

Oh no. I'm sorry, I just-

- Allright, alright! That's it.
Sheila, Sheila call... call the police.

No, no, no, no
don't. Oh my God.

What are you in training
for, the Olympics?

Hurry up, they'll be
coming out any second.

Oh my God, how did this happen?

Where are they? God, God,
God, I can't go to jail!

Nobody's going
to jail.

Get in! Get in!

It's locked.

Oh my God, what's wrong
with you, stupid old woman?

- Get in the car!
- It's locked!

It's unlocked!

Oh my God.

What's wrong with you, girl?

Is this some kinda payback?

Why can't I do this?
Oh my God.

Do you think they're gonna
send the cops after us?

They're probably getting
my license plate number

as we speak, oh my God,
we have to get outta here!

Nothings gonna happen.

Here, have LifeSaver.

It'll calm you down.

Calm me down? Are
they laced with Xanax?

If not I don't think
they're going to help.

They're called LifeSavers.

Oh my God.

What did we do wrong?

We ran out of a store.
We didn't take anything.

The owner'll be glad we're gone.

He'll... eh... he'll be happy.

He'll forget all about it.

Now can we go home?

Okay.

Better?

Yes.

They're called LifeSavers.

Stand back or I'll
kill this gorilla!

Please don't! He's my husband!

Okay, okay, calm down.

You tell your ape boss
I want 50,000 in cash.

He won't go for that.

Then you're gonna have
one very dead monkey

on your hands.

Hey, take it easy!

I keep the DVDs in there!

Oh, sorry.

Do you think Totie will
be back at the house?

I don't know.

I just hope the cops won't
be there when we get back.

What? You said, I thought-

- Oh, calm down.
I'm just messin' with you.

Where's your sense of humor?

Gone. I left it
at the parking lot.

I'm all outta humor,
don't do that to me.

Okay, okay.

Where is everybody?

Oh God!

Oh God! Oh God, it's insanity!

Oh my God!

- Oh God!
- What are you doing to him?

It's insanity!

What have you done to the world?

You left up only the monuments!

What a weird choice!

- More disgusting humans!
- Get her!

Don't you dare!

I will grab that hose

and give you that
colonoscopy right now.

The humans are taking over!

Run! Run, run!

Oh my God. James,
are you okay?

Are you Nova?

What? Oh my God, you reek.

Nova, you came to rescue me?

Oh my God, nevermind that.

We have to get you inside
before the neighbors complain.

Yes, yes, and before those
damned dirty apes come back.

Aah!

Why are you wearing
Uncle Lenny's underwear?

Hi Sarah, who's this?
One of your boyfriends?

Hi Aunt Sunny.

Is he okay, was
there an accident?

He doesn't look so well.

He's fine, just had a
little too much to drink.

I love you, Nova.

Who's Nova?

Mm, his mother,
it's a long story.

Look, I have to get
him to bed, 'kay?

Dorothy, I brought you
some of the deer meat

my grandson killed
the other day.

Is it ever fresh and tender!

Chew your own meat
and choke on it.

Aw, Dorothy, I
brought this for you.

I know how much you like it.

I told you not to
come hear anymore.

Sarah! Just tell her to get out!

You tell her, can't you
see I have bigger problems?

That's right Sarah, just run
away just like your mother!

What are you
picking on her for?

She's my granddaughter.

I can pick on her if I want to.

That doesn't
give you the right.

Yes it does, you just
take your animal flesh

and get out of my house!

You're my Nova and you saved
me from those savage apes.

In the movie Taylor saves
Nova, but you saved me

and you're my Nova.

Okay, stop saying Nova.

Snap out of it!

Now you're my Cher
and I'm Nicholas Cage.

Lie down and pass out, please.

Oh God, why do you have to
wear these stupid shoes?

Could you have worn
loafers? Something?

You're my Nova.

I thought I was Cher.

That's right, Cher.

Okay.

Come on, stupid shoe!

You can do it, you're my Nova!

Nova, Nova, Nova, No-

I knew you could do it.

You're my Nova
and my Cher. Boop.

Right. Get some sleep.

Sarah, get down
here! She's killing me!

Oh God, what now?

You are such
a pain in my neck!

- You crazy old-
- You'll be so sorry-

- I don't care if
- I'll pull every hair

- you're my sister, I'll pull-
- outta your head!

I hate you!

Stop it! What are you doing?

Cut it out, calm down,
sit down grandma.

This is insane.

It's like a Jerry Springer show.

You're women in your 70s
acting like children!

I'm embarrassed.

Two grown sisters going at
each other like crazy wildcats.

I'm only 59.

That's not true!

Do you see, Sarah, how she lies?

Nevermind that.

Oh, get her out of here.

Get her out! Get
her out of here!

Okay, grandma, calm down,

you're going to
have a heart attack.

Aunt Sunny, you have to go.

I-

- No please don't say
anything, just go.

Sarah, we're sisters,
we fight all the time.

That's what sisters do!

Not normal sisters.

Sarah!

Just please go.

All right, for you I will.

Dorothy, see you later.

Like hell you will!

I'll shoot you like your
grandson shot that deer.

You gotta thin out
the deer population.

Let's thin out the
asshole population

and let's start with you!

I'll kill her!

You're not killing anybody!

Look at you, your blood
pressure is probably sky high.

You look like a giant red beat.

Oh my God, I'm gonna get
something to clean you up.

Just put your head
back and try to rest.

All right. I'll
try to do that.

While I'm resting

why don't you visit your father?

What'd you say?

I said pay your father a visit.

He could use a visitor
and tell me how he is.

He fell last night
in the bathroom

and he spent the
whole night there.

Is that true?

I don't know, that's what
one of the neighbors said.

Oh, just go would you please?

Okay.

Oh, in the refrigerator
I have a frozen lasagna.

Why don't you bring it to him.

God knows what he eats.

Just go please.

Okay.

Damn that Sunny. She
disrupts every living thing.

Ah, why can't
they leave me alone.

Hey dad, how are you?

You know, I haven't
seen you in about a year.

It's only been a few months.

Yeah, whatever.

My point being you
got great timing.

That was the most
crucial part of the show.

Nice to see you too.

What show is so important?

"Night Rider".

Are you serious? That
show with David Hasselhoff?

Otherwise known as the
best thing on television.

Listen-

- What time is it?

I don't know, six?

Let me know when it's 6:30.

Tony Bennett special is on.

Oh wow, are you serious?

God, I love him.

You know, I think
he's in his 90s.

He looks great for his age.

It's all drugs.

What?

Well maybe not Tony,
he's all natural,

but the rest all
do tons of drugs.

You see, to be a singer
or, or a movie star,

to be in that business
you can't be normal.

They need to stay high.

All those people are on drugs.

They're not regular.
They can't be.

Speaking of not
regular, how's your head?

What are you talking about?

Grandma said you
fell and hit your head

on the toilet last night.

Oh yeah, yeah, I forgot.

How could you forget?

Grandma said you fell and
were stuck there all night.

Wrong. Just a few minutes.

I had a little
trouble getting up.

Well she said you
couldn't get up.

Grandma exaggerates
things, you know that.

Okay, are you okay?
Did you get hurt?

Yeah, I think I
got a little bump.

What happened?

I don't know,
I got up to flush

and then I slipped and fell.

You know what I need?

I need one of those
automatic flushing toilets

like in a public bathroom.

You know, you take
a dump and swoosh,

it goes right down.

No waiting, I don't have to
reach it just flushes as you go.

- Beautiful.
- Oh my God,

what is with you guys
and your obsession with toilets?

And maybe after, it squirts
a nice burst of cologne.

- All right, that's enough.
- Nah, I'm just sayin'-

- Nah I'm just sayin'-
- It's not a bad idea.

That's enough.

You know what you need?

What's that?

One of those medical
alert necklaces

you wear around your neck-

- No, hey, hey, I know what
they are. I know what they are.

No, I'm not wearing a necklace.

That's for little old ladies.

It's not just for old ladies.

I seen the commercial
like everyone else.

The old broad screams "I've
fallen, I can't get up!"

I say, "Stay down
you pain in the ass!

"Who cares about you
anyway?"

Why do have to get so
nasty about a commercial?

I'm not getting
nasty. What I'm joking.

I'd help the old broad
out push come to shove.

All right, well listen,
I brought you some lasagna.

Who made it?

Grandma.

Ah, keep it, I'm
not eating that.

Why not?

Because it tastes
like fried armpits.

All right, well you
have to eat something.

I eat.

I eat stuff that
tastes like food.

Listen, why don't you come

to the party today at grandma's?

What's it her
birthday or something?

No it's Mother's Day.

Her birthday was
like two months ago.

Yeah, I thought
it was kinda soon.

How could you think it was-

- No, no, no, don't start.

No, I'm just saying-

- No, no, woo, woo,
don't start with me.

All right, all
right, calm down.

And it's Mother's
Day, not Grandma's Day.

What's she celebrating it for?

She's a mother too.

Well it's
one or the other.

I'd go to the Grandma Day party.

Is there such a thing?

I don't know, look-

- Is it 6:30 yet?

No.

Why don't you stay and
watch the concert with me?

Come on.

No thanks.

I'm gonna put this in
the freezer just in case.

Just in case what?

I wanna poison somebody?

Here, have some
lasagna.

Hey, try and come
to the party today.

It would mean a lot to grandma.

Can I bring a date?

Who?

Nevermind, sure why not.

Huh, maybe I'll come.
But don't count on me.

'Kay. Well, enjoy Tony.

Hope he gets his heart back.

What?

In San Francisco?

Ah. Not funny.

Uh-huh.

Where is everybody?

Totie's on her way

and the rest of them
are sleeping it off.

So is he coming?

Maybe, he's not sure.

Oh, he's gotta get out more.

Well, maybe it's
better he doesn't come.

I told my mother he was dead.

Oh,
then he has to come

so I could see the
look on Totie's face.

Oh.

Did Totie come
with the cake yet?

Calm down. Totie's on the way.

Hot damn. I'm gonna
take a quick shower.

Oh, why don't you
let me hose you down.

Nah, that's all right.

Come on Sarah, we were just
playing "Planet of the Apes".

Yeah, well now James is going
to have an ape of a headache.

Knock, knock! We're here!

Well finally, at last!

Aah, Happy Mother's Day ma!

Oh, you look great,
mama, how you feelin'?

Okay.

Oh, Lenny, it's been awhile!

I see you're still with him?

Oh, how you doin' ma?

Please tell me
that's the cake.

Yes, yes, that's the cake.

My God, you're like a
crack addict for cake.

Hallelujah, the cake is here!

Where have you been?

We've been waiting
for you all day.

Well I'm sorry, I
lost track of time.

You always lose track of time.

Why don't you wear a watch?

They don't work!

I got too much
electricity in my body.

It makes the watch
run backwards.

I think because I ate too
many pickles as a kid.

More like you dropped
too much acid as a teen.

Happy Mother's Day,
ma. From both of us.

Don't call me ma.

What kinda cake is that?

Delicious, that's what kind.

It says, "Happy
Mother's Day, Totie".

What about me?

Right there, right there, see?

Why isn't it written
out nice like hers?

No, they... they
screwed up at the bakery.

They forgot to put
your name on it.

I think you screwed up,
you forgot to tell them.

No, it wasn't like that!

We noticed it in
the car, all right?

So I made a little note.

Look, I used a pink
sharpie. Cute, huh?

Here, keep it as a remembrance.

I'm touched. I'll save
it for future reference.

All right, I wanna sit down.

Take a seat, have a
little breather. Hoo.

Holy moly, how many babies
have you got in there?

You're gigantic?

Okay ma, come on, you
know this isn't easy for me.

Hey, we found out
what it's gonna be.

Let me guess. A baby rhino.

Oh, okay ma,
now that's enough.

All right, like
we're havin' a boy.

I'm really happy
for you.

I can't wait to
smell it's head.

What?

A baby's head has the most
wonderful freshest smell.

That's sick.

No it's not, it's
perfectly natural.

And addictive, it's like a drug.

I heard about this woman
at a childcare center,

she got arrested
for begging mothers

to smell their babies' heads.

'Kay, honey, that's enough
about the babies' heads.

You're upsetting everyone.

Oh Mother of God, help us.

What was that?

I think dad's
ghost is haunting us.

Dad, I'm sorry. I'll bring
you back in the house.

Wow, you look like something
out of a fetish porn video.

Not that I would know.

How come everybody in this
house is always getting naked?

Uncle Donny, please
put some clothes on!

Where' the vodka?

What?

Vodka, the vodka,
I need the vodka.

Hey, that's precious
stuff, you're wasting it!

What is wrong with you?

Fungal cream.

What?

I brushed my teeth
with anti-fungal cream.

Oh, that must be
mine. I had a condition.

That really fixed me up.

Oh, my mouth tastes like
the bottom of a bird cage.

I think I'm dying.

Chill out, you're just
hungover, that's all.

And you nearly cleared
us out of vodka.

Okay, you know what, Donny
go put some clothes on.

I feel like I'm at a low
budget Chippendale's.

Yeah Donny, go
put your jammies on.

I told you it's lounge wear.

Lounge wear.

Oh God, my head is killing me.

Aw, come over hear sweetie.

We have the perfect
cure, come on.

There you go, bring
it in, all right.

We know just the cure.

Give me your hand.

Close your eyes, relax.

Imagine you're on the beach.

You can hear the waves
crashing on the shore.

He doesn't like the beach.

And it's beautiful
and peaceful.

And there's seagulls, they're
soaring over the water.

He hates the beach.

Nope, doesn't like
his head rubbed.

And it's relaxing.
And so peaceful.

You know what?
It's not so peaceful.

What happened to your patch?
You said you lost your eye.

No, I lost the patch,
nothing wrong with my eye.

But you-

- I'm fine. I just
thought it would be cool

to go to New York City
and wear an eye patch.

So you just lied
about losing your eye?

I didn't lie, I made it up.

Same thing.

No, you just
don't know the difference.

That's absurd,
there's no difference.

James.

- But-
- James, just let it be.

Yeah Jimbo, take a
lesson from the Beatles.

What?

Skip it. You don't get a
lotta stuff, do you James?

Can everyone stop talking?

Okay, you're ruining the moment.

What moment?
There is no moment.

There was never a moment.

Come in, it's open!

It's right in
this way, step up.

It's kind of an old house.

Hey! The kid told me there
was a party, so here I am.

Dorothy, Happy Mother's Day.

If you didn't notice,
that's for the wrong holiday.

Do you know what day it is?

Do you know what year it is?

Yeah, see I meant to
bring it on Valentine's Day

but I never made it.

But it's all still good.

And look, see, it's a heart!

See it means love.

You guys never get it right.

Oh, surprise, surprise, I
guess it's double Mother's Day.

You said he was
dead. You lied to me!

Oh, no, I didn't,
I made it up.

Ask Dimpy, there's a difference.

Oh, you made it up that I
was dead. That's, that's nice.

I thought you were in Amsterdam.

Hi, Rog.

I was, I just got
back couple days ago.

What happen, they
run outta hash?

Cut it out, Rodger.

If you're gonna keep up with
that crap you'll have to leave.

Okay, okay.

What's with that
tall drink of water?

Oh, thanks for
asking, Dorothy.

This beautiful creature here

on my arm is my girlfriend, Oda.

Oder? That's not a
name, that's a smell.

It's not Oder, it's Oda,
it means to praise God.

Nice, well this is
my boyfriend Dimpy.

Dimpy.

Means good in bed, something
you would know nothin' about.

Yeah, well I get no
complaints from Oda.

I wouldn't complain
either if I got paid too.

I'm not getting paid.

Rodger, I'll wait for
you right there, okay?

All right, baby.

I'll miss you.

What did she say?

She said she hopes you
have a beautiful baby.

It didn't sound like that.

I know, what
language was that?'

I think it was Klingon.

Oh, shut up Dimp.

You think maybe we could be
civil to each other just once?

I don't think so.

God, could this be
any more uncomfortable.

This is not uncomfortable.

We're all adults here.

These two got
married 25 years ago

and then they got a divorce.

That's normal. That
happens to a lotta people.

Now they haven't seen
each other in four years.

Totie has a boyfriend,
Rodger has girlfriend.

Rodger came here, he didn't
know he was gonna see Totie.

He certainly didn't
know she was pregnant.

Hell, she thought he was dead.

You know, you're right.

This is... this is
beyond uncomfortable.

Downright awkward and
pretty freakin' dangerous.

Well it's Mother's Day,
isn't that wonderful?

You know, it's also the
sixth month anniversary

of your father's death.

Why don't we all go outside

and say a few words in
the backyard in his honor?

Okay.

Oh jeez.

Come on.

Well, here we are, Charles.

The whole family is
gathered together.

Oh, plus a few extras.

Sarah has a fiance.

He's a little delicate and
he can't hold his liquor.

Yeah, and he talks funny.

He says, "however",
but he's okay.

You were always a son of
a bitch, but I miss you.

Yeah, yeah.

I kinda miss you, yeah.

Hey maybe we should
sing his favorite song.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh no, not that song.

Yes, let's do
that! Let's do it.

Okay.

♪ Tick tock, tick tock ♪

♪ Tick tock, the clock
is ticking down for you ♪

♪ Tick tock, the clock is
ticking, yes it's true ♪

♪ In the blink of an eye ♪

♪ All your days will go by ♪

♪ And soon, very soon, you
will die, you will die ♪

♪ In the blink of an
eye you will die ♪

♪ Tick tock, tick tock, tick
tock, tick tock, tick tock ♪

Yeah.

Kind of a morbid song.

Well, it's a song about reality.

And we like to celebrate
the reality of life.

That was a song about death.

That's the bad thing about
life, it ends in death.

It's a shame we
don't have anyone

to carry on the family name.

I can't depend on you or Lenny.

Don't say that mom,
it can still happen.

Not in your wildest
dreams.

What about me? Did you
forget I got a dude down here.

You know, cookin', he's
gonna be kickin' out any day.

Yeah, I forgot.
Took you long enough.

It's about time you have
a child of your own.

What does that mean?

It's just, you know,

your grandma's silly
sense of humor!

Just shut your trap.

What did I say?

I mean it's no big news.

What are you talking about?

Don't tell me you
didn't tell her.

This is not the
time or place, ma.

You mean she doesn't
know anything about it?

Told me what?

Sarah, I... I should, I mean...

I just, I just...

You're adopted!

What?

What?

Can't belief you
haven't told her.

Wow, I didn't know that.

I sure as hell
didn't know that.

I didn't know that.

Wait a minute.

How did you not know about that?

I don't know
how I didn't know.

I was on the road a lot.

Somehow she faked it!

Well that wasn't the
only thing I faked.

That's enough Totie,
this is serious stuff here.

Look, Sarah, I've... I've
been meaning to tell you.

I just, I don't know.

Time just slipped away.

Yeah.

Are you all right?

Honey, you're kinda scaring us.

Are you okay?

All
right? I'm fantastic!

I've, I've, I've
never been better!

This explains
everything! I can leave!

I don't have to be a part

of this whacked
out family anymore!

Let's go, James!

No, no, no, Sarah, Sarah,
come with me, let's talk.

Please can we just
talk about this?

Goodbye, Mommy dearest.

What's going on?

Okay, well this is all your
fault you big blabbermouth!

You happy now? Huh?

Is this what you wanted?

Sarah, wait! Wait!

Wait, wait, Sarah, please
just let me explain!

There is nothing
to explain, Theresa.

Please, will you just
listen to me for one second?

Just listen, please.

Did you notice I just
called you Theresa?

That's because I'm adopted
and you're not my real mother.

Bye bye.

Okay, listen, I
understand why you're angry.

No, no, I'm not angry.

Really? 'Cause you
seem a little angry.

No. No, this is what
angry sounds like.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I was afraid, okay?

I was afraid that if
you knew the truth

that you would react
like this and run off

and never talk to me again.

Oh, you mean like how
you ran off to Amsterdam?

That was different.

You went away to college,
you didn't need me.

You have no idea what I need.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I was a flake.

But we had some
good times, right?

Ah, funny, the good times
kinda slipped my mind.

Okay, well how 'bout
that time that we cut down

our own Christmas tree?

Ah, that was on
a wildlife preserve

and we almost got arrested.

Okay.

Well who punched Bobby
Carlisle in the face?

Remember when he
called you a slut.

He was my boyfriend
and I really liked him.

You ruined that for me.

Okay.

I messed up a few things.

Ha, a few.

Sarah, I tried.

I did my best.

You shoulda told me.

What happened. Did
we hit something?

I have to turn around.

God, you scared
me half to death.

What's wrong with you?

I have to go back.

Back where?

To grandma's.

You mean back to hell?

What's wrong with you?

I... I know she's crazy, okay?

And she's not my real mother,

but she's the only
mother I have.

When I think about it now,

she always tried to
make life fun for me.

Please, I understand
if this is all too much

and you need to put off the
wedding and think about things-

- Stop, stop. Sarah,
I don't need to think.

I love you, and it doesn't
matter what you're family's like.

Even now we know they're
not you're real family.

But they're my only family.

You're right. Let's go back.

Are you sure?

Absolutely.

Let's go.

Ready?

Just a minute.

Lemme build some strength, okay?

Okay!

Come in! It's open!

I think it's locked.

It's not locked,
it's never locked.

Here we go again.

Dammit! Who's always
locking this door?

What? Did you forget something?

Yes. Something very important.

But may we come in?

Why not.

Well, the prodigal
niece has returned.

Didn't I tell you
she'd come back?

I owe you all an apology.

- No you don't.
- Oh, honey.

No, yes, I do.

Look, what I said before

about you all being
a whacked out family,

I... I didn't mean it.

Well, yes, I did.

But you're my
whacked out family.

Totie, mom.

Dad.

Let's face it, you
weren't the ideal parents.

So what?

You know, you... you raised me

and you were always there for me

and you tried to show
me how to enjoy life.

And maybe you were
a little reckless.

But maybe I should try and
be a little more like that.

Anyway, I want you to continue

to be my crazy,
whacked out mother

and I want you all to continue
to be my flaky family.

And James does too,
don't you James?

Sarah, that's that nicest
thing you've ever said to me.

I think.

This is great.

Maybe we should have a
group hug to celebrate.

Hey, we don't do that
kinda crap around here.

Of course not, why would you.

How stupid of me,
what was I thinking?

Would you like to
shake hands instead?

Or you could comb Donny's
hair, he seems to like that.

James, maybe you're right.

We are family.

We should let
bygones be bygones.

Let's... let's have a group hug.

Dorth, I think we should talk.

Aunt Sunny, can't
you take a hint?

Where's my bat?

She has a bat? Of
course she has a bat.

I told you to stay out.

Grandma, what about all that
stuff you said about bygones?

Bygones are all gone,
now you get out of my way

unless you want some of this.

Dorth, let's try to talk.

- We can try to talk!
- Oh I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna get you this time!

- No Dorth!
- Get out!

You crazy old lady!

You crazy old lady!

I have been chased all my
life with that damn bat-

- I'm gonna hit you over
the head with this bat!

If you think you're gonna
catch me, you're not gonna.

Oh I'm gonna get you. You're
gonna get your head busted!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Shouldn't we do
something? Call somebody?

No, grandma won't catcher her.

Oh?

She never does.

This has happened before?

Oh, many times.

Welcome to the family, James.

This is still a celebration.

It's time for more cake.

Did you ever get
checked for diabetes?

Doctor said-

- That doctor, No, thanks.

Here's the million
dollar question.

Do you still wanna marry me?

James?

I'm thinking.

What?

I'm kidding. I told
you, it's you I love.

They're not so bad.

However, now that
I've met your family.

They're right, it
does sound stupid.

I'm gonna stop saying however.

You could
say nonetheless.

Right.

Or notwithstanding,
or howbeit, or-

Now that I met your
family you gotta meet mine.

But they're no walk
in the park either.

Yeah, well they can't be
as bad as my family, so.

That's what you think,
but just you wait.

No, you're right,
it's not even close.

I've never experienced people
like this before in my life.

I think I kinda got
along with your uncles.

You got smashed on homemade
hooch with my uncles.

Exactly. What better
way to get along?

Let's go.

Where can we get
those ape boxers?

No.

You like those, right? I look-

- No.

You'll never catch me,

you've been trying
to do this for years!

Oh, you're gonna get it.

One, two, three!

Listen, we're gonna learn
how to be dealers too.

They're like...

What the .

There's like multa moolah.

There's like mega millions.

Sorry.

Something moolah.

Somethin', mega moolah.

Okay let's do it.

I forgot to tell you I
got us a dog.

Oh what's his.

- Did it kick that hard?
- Are you okay?

Wow that feels nice.

Is that silk?

Why is Uncle Lenny
without underwear? Mm.

Oh, that's exciting!

Is that your dog?
Is that your...

Cue the giraffe from
the other side of the street.

Giraffes are quieter.

I know sometimes he just, you
know, falls down everywhere.

I didn't fall
down, I didn't pass out.

Sorry.

I got tired and
I decided to go lay down.

I'm sorry!
High cholesterol-

- And I have
high cholesterol.

Low cholesterol is good.

He's taking a
statin, don't worry about it.

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

It goes in, then it goes out.

It goes in, it
goes out.

I don't like that word expect.

I don't like planes.

- I don't get it.
- Sorry.

- Did you both-
- Plane coming-

I have incoming.

There is a huge
plane going overhead.

- Oh yeah.
- Oh shoot.

We got planes, so many.

There's a lot of planes.

Planes.

Please save that clip.

Ow, jeez!

Cut!

We gotta
get the wild lines, right?

Uh, Dan?

- That's a wrap.
- It's a wrap everybody!

Thank you all.

Very hard day,
thank you very much.

Totie?

Oh, hey! Who are you?

Oh yeah, oh yeah, I remember.

Stay there.

Totie dear, I can explain.

Wow, the acoustics in here
make my voice sound fantastic.

Hey, hey, hey, take a hike.

Oh sorry, I didn't
mean that part.

X that part out.

Hey! Who are you?

I'm the director.

Oh.

And cut.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull