All language subtitles for Carry.On.Camping.1969.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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..and in spite of all she'd heard,

Sally was quite unprepared
for the sight that met her eyes,

as she looked out of her tent on
this first morning in Paradise Camp.

Everywhere she looked, happy campers
went about their everyday tasks

unencumbered by clothing,

unembarrassed and unashamed,

so this was paradise!

How beautiful it seemed to her.

How unlike her past holidays
in Bournemouth.

Suddenly, Sally's shyness
and natural timidity vanished,

and forgetting all about
her strict convent training,

she stepped out from her tent,
as naked and free as nature intended.

Cor! That's quite enough of that,
thank you.

What's the matter? You told us
this film was about camping.

It is. Those are tents, aren't they?
Not what you're looking at.

If you're going on a camping
holiday, it makes sense
to find out what it's all about.

A fat lot
you're going to learn from this!

I'm making a mental note
of all the equipment they've got.

Yes, especially hers.

Sh!

Setting out to explore paradise,

Sally's first stop
was at the tennis court,

where four sun-bronzed campers
were playing a mixed doubles.

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, gorblimey!

You won't see nothing like that
at Wimbledon - open or not.

If one of those men turn round,
I'm walking straight out of here.

What's the matter, Anth?
Don't you like tennis?

I feel sick.

I don't blame her. Honestly,
I don't know where to look.

I do. Ha-ha-ha!

Close your eyes and I'll tell you
when to open them.

I don't want to close my eyes.
I just want to go.

I know just how she feels.
It's disgusting, that's what it is,
disgusting!

What are you talking about?
It's artistic.

Artistic?
Certainly.

With all those big bottoms
bobbling about all over the screen?

You wouldn't think anything of it if
we went round like that all the time,

free, unfettered, unashamed.

Oh, no? I suppose you'd rather be
sat here all stark naked?

It wouldn't bother me. It would
if your ice lolly fell in your lap.

You're a prude.

If you don't mind,
we're trying to hear back here.

Sorry, mate, if I'd known that I'd
have spoken a bit louder. Ha-ha-ha.

In another part of the camp
a party of carefree young people

were just starting off
on a bicycle ride.

Hey, look, Anth!
That fair girl at the end,
she's got a saddle just like mine.

Ooh!

That's being unfettered. They
don't bother with trouser clips.

While in front of the canteen,

a group of men were benefiting
from a PT class,

rhythmically bending over
to touch their toes.

Oh, dear!

Oh, my God!
That does it. Anthea was right.

We should have gone to The Sound
Of Music. You've seen that before.

I've seen THAT before, too. Sh!
Oh, shut up!

Come on, Anthea.
Are you coming as well?

Wait a minute. Let's see the end.

I've seen enough ends already.
Come on, Anthea.

I suppose we'd better go with 'em,
Sid.

Excuse me.

It makes you sick.

They just don't appreciate culture.

And so to the swimming pool,

where all the prettiest young girls
were disporting themselves.

Ah!

Hello, darling.

Oh, no.
Hello, Peter, darling.

I'm checking on the camping gear.
So I see.

Had a good day?
Oh, not bad.

Got drunk at lunch time,
then went to a strip club, then
finished off in bed with a popsy.

Ah, look, there's a hole
in this tent flap.

Yes, the goat ate its way in
last year.

Oh, yes, I remember.
He was after your bedding.

Yes, that's right.
He even left a deposit on it.

(ANNOYING HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH)

Oh, poor Peter! We had a good laugh
about that, though,

didn't we?
Yes, you did, didn't you?

That's what I love about camping.
Such fun, always.

Did you have a good day?
Not bad, no, no.

A chap came into the office
with a pound of opium

and we smoked it and
we spent the afternoon in a harem.

I've been thinking, we ought to try
Devon again this year,

we had such a marvellous time there
last time.

I've been thinking, too, darling.

That marvellous little camping site
near Stoats Hollow,

do you remember?
Harriet, please listen to me.

I am listening.
What a funny thing to say.

I've been thinking
about this holiday,

and I was wondering if possibly,
just once,

w-w-we might go abroad somewhere.

Abroad?

Camping?

Oh, nothing so luxurious as that.

I thought we might...we might
rough it in some four-star hotel.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
You wouldn't like that.

Sleeping in strange beds,
eating oily food,

and using
all those peculiar toilets.

The toilets we have to dig out
at camp aren't exactly the last word.

Oh, but they're all ours.

Yes, well, it's just that I think
I may be getting too old for it.

(LAUGHS ANNOYINGLY)

Oh, don't be silly, Peter! You mark
my words, you'll die under canvas.

That's what I'm afraid of.
No.

You always enjoy your camping
holiday and you must have one.

You're tired. Perhaps you had
a bad day at the office?

No. No, no, no, no.

I met this chap who'd just come back
from camping in Scotland

and his wife was ravished
by a wild haggis

and now they're expecting
a little faggot.

Oh!

Yes?

We mustn't forget to take a good
supply of toilet paper this time.

You know what happened last year.
Yes,

we had nothing
to write to your mother on.

WOMAN: No! No, sir, you mustn't!

If you keep on doing that, you'll...

Oh!

Please, sir!

Oh, hello.

Miss Dobbin, what on earth is
the meaning of this?

I'm sorry, Mr Short.
The gentleman kept touching things.

That's quite right.
I've been bursting to know
what it's like inside a tent.

I see. All right, Miss Dobbin,
I'll attend to this customer.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Splendid girl, and so helpful.

Do you know, she's being showing me
how to stick the pole up?

Quite.
(CASH REGISTER PINGS)

I take it you're interested
in purchasing equipment?

Oh, rather! I've always been
interested in camping.

But since I've never done it before,

I thought I'd go to
the very best place for advice.

Quite so, sir. So you came here.

Well, yes, you see,
the best shop was closed.

I can assure you, we can supply
everything essential for
a really successful camping holiday.

Oh, but I need everything!

Are you going alone, sir?

Why? Do you supply that, too?

This way, sir, please.

Yes, of course.
(CASH REGISTER PINGS)

Sid, let's get back to work.
Oh, come on!

We're only going to ask
where this Paradise Camp is.

But they'll know it's nudist
and it'll be embarrassing.

What are you talking about?

Like going into a chemist's for
something, finding a girl serving,
and coming out with toothpaste.

I wondered what you were doing with
all those tubes in your cupboard.

No. It's not that. Besides,
you'll never get Joan and Anth
to go to a place like that.

How long have we been taking them
out? About three months.

And where's it got us?
I've kissed Anth.

What did that lead to? She was sick.

Because I'd been eating
picked onions.

We're lumbered with two birds
with prohibitions.

You mean "inhibitions".

I mean "prohibitions".
They just won't allow us.

All the same, you can't take them
to a place like that.

If we can get those two birds
to Paradise Camp,

all that freedom, back to nature,

do you think
they can keep on holding out? Never.

How will you get 'em to go there?
Don't tell 'em. Come on.

No. Hold on a minute.
I can't go to a nudist place.

Why not? Other people do.
Maybe, but not people like us.

Have we got three legs or something?

It's not that.

When I'm on holiday,
I like to relax. So?

And when I relax, I like
to put my hands in my pockets.

You can relax with your hands behind
your back. Prince Philip does.

Not with nothing on, he doesn't.
How do you know?

You make it sound like
it was something shameful
to go into a nudist camp.

It's the most healthy,
natural thing in the world.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, as a matter of fact, my mate
and I were wondering if you could...

Yes?

Well, we were looking for...

Yes?

Er, a tube of toothpaste, please.

We don't sell toothpaste, sir.

Aspirins?

I'll take one of these, then.

See?

Here! That's it!

That's it! Ha-ha-ha.

Come on.

(SCREAMING AND YELLING)

(SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT)

Go on!

I'll teach you to call me a cow,
you old bitch!

Look out, the Head's coming!

Oh!

(CRASH)

Stand up, girls.

ALL: Good evening, Miss Haggard.

Carry on, girls.

(SHOUTING AND SCREAMING)

Come in.

Ah, Matron, what can I do for you?

I'm sorry to trouble you, Dr Soaper,
but I've been thinking
about this camping trip

for the girls that remain with us
during the holidays.

What about it? I was wondering
if it really was such a good idea.

Perhaps you're forgetting,
it was MY idea.

Oh, no, no. And, of course,
it is an absolutely splendid one.

But...
But what?

Well, I was wondering whether perhaps
they might find it a trifle spartan.

I mean, their being
such delicate and refined girls.

(YELLING)

(WHISTLES)

Ooh-ooh! Usual place, boys,
in five minutes.

The point
I'm really trying to make is

that here I can keep full control
over them,

but, outside, anything might happen.

You seem to be forgetting,
Miss Haggard, you're coming with us.

Surely, you and I together
can keep suitable control?

Well, I was thinking about the girls.

So am I.

Oh. But don't you see?
It raises the problem of sex.

I assure you, Matron, I wouldn't
dream of bothering you in that way.

I meant, with the girls.

They're liable to come into contact
with boys.

Oh, yes, but I don't think
that'll be a problem.

It's been my experience
that once young people
sample the delights of country life

and the wonders of nature,

oh,
they just can't get enough of it.

Exactly.
I was thinking of the girls.

So was I.
Exactly.

Well, I do hope you're right,
Dr Soaper.

Oh, yes, yes, I assure you, Matron.

But I take the point
you made earlier.

Yes, these girls
have led very sheltered lives.

They don't even know what boys are.

I suggest you give them
a little talk on the subject.
Nothing too frightening.

Just stick to
the birds and the bees,

with a possible reference
to the behaviour of monkeys.

Well, I'll try, Dr Soaper.
Good. Good.

And if any of them feel
any unnatural urges,

or the desire
to do something they shouldn't,

send them straight to me.

You?
Yes.

Well, I was thinking about the girls.
So was I.

Oh, you're not wearing that!

What?
That hat.

Oh, sorry, dear. Force of habit.

Ah, that's the ticket.

Come on. Let's get our packs on.

And off we go!

There. How do I look?

Like an old mailbag
filled with unwanted parcels.

Splendid. Shall I drive?
Why not? You always do.

Good. Come on. Let's go.

(CAR TURNS OVER)

(CAR STARTS)

Don't forget, not a word to
the girls about where we're going.
It's a mystery holiday.

They'll find out
the minute we get there.

It'll be too late by then. We must
just act as surprised as they are.

I won't need to act.

Sid...
Yes?

Will we have to take ALL our clothes
off? Can't we keep something on?

Don't worry. I've thought of that.

Ha-ha-ha.

Finish it up. You're not going
anywhere without a good breakfast
inside you.

I am finishing it up, Mum.

More bacon and tomatoes, Anthea?
No, thank you, Mrs Fussey,

I had coffee and toast
before I left home.

You won't get a proper lunch,
not if I know those two.

They're only after one thing,
they are.

For heaven's sake, Mum,
we know how to look after ourselves.

Oh, yes? 33 and still not married.

If that's not taking care of
yourself, I don't know what is.

I'm playing hard to get with Sid.
(SPLUTTERS)

What's the matter with you?
I choked.

You saved me the trouble.

The way you talk, you'd think
I didn't want to get married.

I know what you want...
I also know what Sid wants.

What's that? Since you asked me
to put it into words,

he wants to eat his cake and have it.

And he's going the right way about
it, taking off on a camping holiday.

I know Sid's been around, but
he's not going to find me easy meat.

Me neither.
Well, you're not even meat.

Bernie's nice, though.

He is if you get him away
from that Sid.

He's a bad influence on him,
if you ask me. We aren't.

I think you're making it too easy
for them going camping.

I wish you wouldn't treat Sid
as if you hated his guts.

But I do, that's just it, I do.

I know. And you're not making it
any easier for me, either.

It's all going to be quite proper
and above board, I can assure you.

Sid's got two tents for us.

Yes, and I know what happens
to people once they get in them.

I went with your father once
and he went berserk.

After that experience,
I'd never have married him...

if I hadn't had to.
Oh, do shut up, Mum.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, here they are.

All set? Yes, give us a hand
with the luggage, will you?

Anthea get here OK?
Yes, she's just finished breakfast.

Morning, Mrs Hussey.

Hello.
Hello.

Blimey, we're not emigrating,
you know. Oh, it's only clothes.

Oh, you won't need clothes
where we're going.

(MOUTHS)

What do you mean,
we won't need clothes?

He means, you won't need
a lot of clothes.

Just a pair of shorts, swimsuit...

I'm not having her go
without plenty of woollies.
Not with her funny kidneys.

Oh, Mum, there's nothing wrong
with my kidneys.

You know a chill goes straight
to 'em, just like your father.

Always on the trot, he was.
Oh, give over, for heaven's sake!

They can run around half naked,

but you're keeping woollies next
to your essentials and that's final.

All right, Mrs Fussey,
we'll get it all on somehow.

I'm sorry if I've brought too much,
but I have to keep covered up
in the sun.

That's right.
Anthea's got a funny skin.

Get away!

What with her funny skin and
Joan's funny kidneys, it's going to
be a hilarious holiday.

If she can't take her clothes off
in the sun...

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

And don't go drinking
none of that well water.

You never know what people
have done down wells.

Yes, all right, Mum.

And go easy on the tinned food.
You don't want any trouble,
not with your funny tummy.

Funny tummy, too?
You ought to be on the telly.

She can't help
having sensitive parts.

For goodness' sake,
can't we get going?

Nearly ready. You get in.

Anthea, have you taken your tablet?
Yes.

Tablet?
Yes, Anthea gets carsick.

What? A big, strong, healthy girl
like her? Never!

Come on, then.

And don't forget, if you have
to use any strange whatsits,

put plenty of paper down first.

Oh, isn't it awful?

Come on, let's get cracking.
That should hold all right.

Yeah, that's it. Ta-ta, Mrs Fussey.

Just a minute.
Yes?

I just wanted to warn you, I don't
want to hear of any unnecessariness
when my Joan gets back.

Unnecessariness?
You know what I mean.

What makes you think
that's unnecessary?

It's no laughing matter.

They might think your intentions
are honourable,
but I've got sore misgivings.

You want to put some talcum powder
on 'em.

Very funny.
You stick to your own tents.

Oh, Mum, really!

It's not as if
she's got a ring on her finger.

She hasn't got one through her nose,
either.

Oh, come on. Let's get going.
For goodness' sake!

Oh, my Gawd!

There's three large tents for
the girls, one for me, one for Miss
Haggard, and bunks and bedding...

All the bunks and bedding in here.

(WOLF WHISTLE)
Get a load of that! Whoa-ho!

Good morning, Dr Soaper.
Are we all loaded?

Not 'alf!

Oh, is that our driver?
Yes, Mr Tanner.

You can call me Jim.

Hello, Jim. Are you going to stay
with us all the time?

Oh, yeah. I go all the way.

Ooh, I bet you do.
That'll do. That'll do.

Girls, get in the coach.
You get on with the loading.

Barbara, dear, do you think
you're quite suitably dressed
for travelling?

But, sir, we were told to bring
the minimum of clothing.

Yes, but in your luggage,
not on your person.

Oh, it's all right. I've got
a minimum in my luggage, too.

So I see, but I don't think
it's proper for a young lady
to show her legs to that extent.

What extent?
They go up too far.

My legs? They only got up to my...

To your shorts!
Oh, yes.

With a rear wheel drive, eh?

Yes, fascinating the way it...

What? Absolutely disgusting!

I can't think what Matron
had in mind when she allowed it.

I shall certainly speak to her
when...

Good morning, Dr Soaper.

Miss Haggard,
I really must protest...

Something wrong, Dr Soaper?

Ah, no, Matron, nothing.
Nothing at all.

How are you feeling now, Anth,
better?

Yeah.
That's it.

You should never have had those bacon
and tomatoes for breakfast. Oh...

Oh, look, now you've done it.
Me? What have I done?

Why did you have to bring up
bacon and tomatoes again?

I didn't. She did.
Oh, dear.

I'm not stopping again.

Don't be so hard on her,
she can't help feeling sick.

She's always like this
on long distances.

Long distances? She was off before
we reached the end of your road.

You'd better do something quick.

A paper bag. That's the answer.
I know, put it over her head.

Try those.
She'll never get it in that.

It's to sniff at, you fool.
Smelling salts.

Quick!
Cor!

Great smelling salts, that! What is
it? Essence of bacon and tomato?

(RETCHES)

Oh, Sid, it's no good.
We'll have to find a place.

We're in the bloomin' country.
There aren't any places.

Well, she'll have to go
behind a hedge. Stop the car.

Oh...

# Da-da, da

# Da-da-da-da

(HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH)

I say, look what's in front of you!

I am looking.

(SCREECHES)

What a ghastly sight!

You can say that again.

Keep off the road!
Keep off the road!

Why? What have you done, madam?

(COW BELL RINGS)

Hello.
Hello.

I wonder if you could help me?
Am I on the right road to Salisbury?

Yes, but it's quicker
if you go through the fence
and cross the plain.

Oh, thank you very much.

What's a nice girl like you
doing with old cow?

I'm taking her to the bull.
Oh. Couldn't your father do that?

No, it has to be the bull.

It has to be the...

All right, now, pay attention,
girls.

Owing to our rather prolonged stay
at Stonehenge,

I've arranged for us
to stay the night at a hostel,

and then go on to the camp site
tomorrow morning. Any questions?

Go on, Babs, I dare you.

Yes, please, Dr Soaper.

What is it, Barbara, dear?

Please, sir, at Stonehenge,
I heard an American gentleman say,

that all those stones
were to do with

fertility rites. What are they?

Ah, fertility rites, yes. Well,
that's easily explained, my dear.

You see, in those days, there were
very few cattle and horses about,

and men had to purchase
the right to gather the fertiliser,

hence the term "fertility rites".

Oh, I see. Aren't I silly?

I thought it was something to do
with having babies.

Now, rest period.

A fine talk you must have given them
on the birds and the bees!

Well, I'm sorry, Doctor, but
when I started talking about them,

I suddenly realised I hadn't
the foggiest idea what they did.

Well, what do they do?

Bees sting! Psst!

We'll have a quick nosh-up,
then we'll get the tent up.

I think this is a lousy spot to pick.

Perfect, isn't it?

Just smell that air!

Ah!
Something up?

Oh, just a thistle, that's all.

Oh, poor Peter,
you're always in trouble.

Here, have a hard-boiled egg
to get on with.

Oh, isn't this wonderful?

So much better
than dirty, stuffy, old London.

Funny thing about dirty, stuffy,
old London,

I can walk for miles
without ever getting bitten,
stung or stepping into something.

That's more than I can say
for the country.

(HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH)

(MOOING)
What was that?

Only a cow. Look, it's over there.

Are you absolutely sure that's a cow?

Of course I'm sure. I should know, I
used to milk them when I was little.

I wouldn't try milking that one,
it's only got one tap.

(MOOING)

Oh, yes, I believe that is a bull.
Fancy that!

No, I don't. Not in the least.

You don't have to worry about them.
They only go for something red.

(MOOING)

Ooh.
Perhaps you'd better move.

I'll open the gate.
You bring the things.

Come on.

(HOOVES APPROACH AT SPEED)

Hurry, Peter! Hurry!

Ah!

Ohhh!

Peter!

Peter, darling!

Are you all right?

Fine. Fine.

Would you pass the salt, please?

Peter! Peter!

Oh!

Look, you said we'd be there
by five. It's nearly six!

I was reckoning without your friend
Miss Throw-Up 1969.

According to the map,
we should be quite close.

Close to what?
Where are we heading for?

Paradi...
ANTHEA: Joan!

Coming!

(GUNFIRE)

(MORTAR WHISTLES)

I knew I shouldn't have eaten
those radishes.

(LAUGHS)
I say, Peter, do you remember,

we stayed overnight in this spot
before?

When I got bitten
in the middle of the night.

That's right.
By a mosquito, wasn't it?

Well, it wasn't you.

They always seem to fancy you.
What you need is a repellent.

Thanks. I married one.

We could do with some milk.

There's a farm round here
where we got some before.

Where I got some before.
No, I'm wrong.

I remember, you went by yourself
and on the way back
you fell into a silage pit.

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

Oh, we have had some fun,
haven't we?

Yeah.

I'll get the milk.

Yes? Hello. I've had a spot of
bother with my tent

and I wondered whether you could let
me have a room for the night.

Did you? I suppose you want me
to say, "Yes, but you'll have
to share it with my daughter"?

I expect you've heard that one
about the traveller,

who stopped at the... I've not only
heard it, I've had it! Come in here!

Here, girl, is this the one
as is responsible?

What? That? You must be joking.

Have you ever been with my daughter
before?

Actually, no.
But if the offer still holds...

Never mind!
Just get out and don't come back.

OK, I'm sorry
to have knocked you up.

Is that meant to be funny?
No, why?

Because it was a tramp like you
that got her into trouble.

Oh, you don't say!
Nothing serious, I hope?

Get out! Get out!

Unless you want my twelve-bore
up your backside.

Father, you can't go on
attacking every man that comes here.

Just give me his name. That's all
I want out of you, his name.

I can't. I never knew his name.

All that money
I spent on a posh education,

trying to make a lady out of you,

and you haven't even got the manners
to ask,

"With who am I having
the pleasure?"

Good evening, sir.

I was wondering if I could have
some milk? Milk, is it?

Yes. I came here once before,
you know.

Oh, you did, eh?

Yes, but you weren't here, though.

Just a young lady
and she gave me a bit.

Oh, she did, did she?

Yes. And it was very nice, too.

That's why I've come back
for some more.

By gum, you've got a nerve!

Oh, don't misunderstand me, please.

I'm quite willing to pay for it
this time.

I'll kill you!

(GUNSHOT)

Ha, bull's-eye!

# Da-da-da

# Da-da-da...

Peter, what's the matter with you?

Nothing. Why? I've been shot
in the backside, that's all.

You've, er... What?

Shot.

Where?
In the backside.

Much?

Have a look, will you?

It must be around here somewhere.

Why don't we just stop anywhere
and put the tents up?

You can't just stop anywhere.
You've got to have proper facilities.

We've managed without facilities
all day.

How's queasy chops?

She's having a whale of a time.
You've only to look at her
to see that.

He only asked.

Look!

That's it. Paradise?
Where have I heard that before?

It must have been in church.
No, it wasn't that.

Oh, is this the special place
you've been looking for?

That's right. No, nothing special.
But we'll try it if you like.

But, Sid, this is the place...
Don't be so selfish, Bernie.

Think of the poor girls.
They've had enough for one day.

We'll take a chance, shall we?

Are you the owner of this site?
No.

Where is he?
Gone for a pee.

Here he comes now.

Excuse me.

Yes. Can I help you?

Yes. We'd like to camp here.
Who do we have to see?

Me. I'm the owner. Josh Fiddler.

Oh, how do you do, Mr Fiddler?

I'm Boggle. This is Mr Lugg.
Hello.

You're not members, then?
Do you have to be members?

I'm afraid so. I'm trying to keep
this place select.

It's not like
some of these camp sites,

it's more what you might call
a show place.

We know all about that, don't we?

How much is it to be a member, then?

A pound.
A pound. All right, then.

Per person.

Each? But there's four of us.

Bernie, it's all right. We don't
want to argue with Mr Fiddler.

Two, three, four.

That's correct.

Gentlemen, your members' cards.
Thank you. Shall we go, then?

Any time you want to book in, show
them. But we want to come in now.

Now? But you haven't booked,
have you?

Booked?
Don't tell me you're full up.

Well, I might be able
to squeeze you in,

but you should have paid
the booking fee.

Booking fee. Which is?

A pound.
A pound.

Per tent.

Two tents, two pounds.

Now can we come in?
As soon as you've paid the rent.

Rent?
In advance.

You've had six quid
out of us already!

Bernie. It's all right, Bernie.

What about the rent,
then, Mr Fiddler?

Well, um,
my usual charge per week...

Yes, yes, which is?
A pound.

A pound. I know it.

Per tent?

Or per person.
Whichever's the greater.

I don't know
if anybody ever told you,

but your name certainly suits you.
Thank you.

Now can we come in?

Well, there is just one more thing.
What?

Welcome to Paradise.

Bernie, we're in.

Do we strip off now?
Eh?

Do we take our clothes off now?
Oh, no, there's no hurry for that.

Let's have a good look round first,
see what the form is.

But if they're stripped off and we
go in dressed, everybody will stare.

Sh! We can't start now.
They'll get suspicious.

We're lucky. We managed to get in.

Then, you can just turn round
and manage to get out again.

What are you talking about?
You heard me, you filthy beast.

Filthy beast? What have I done now?

Look, don't you come the innocent
with me, Sid Boggle.

It's a good job Anthea woke up.
She remembers Paradise.

It was in that disgusting film
you took us to see.

Oh, is that what
that camp was called?

There's a coincidence, eh, Bern?

Yeah.

I want to go home.
Don't worry, dear. We're going.

We're not staying here
to flaunt our persons in public.

It has cost us ten nicker
to get in here, and in we are going.

Don't look, Anthea!

Oh, it's all right, Anthea,
you can look.

It's really rather nice.

Oh, yes, it's lovely.

Come on. Let's get out
and put the tents up, shall we?

You stay where you are. We're not
stopping in this lousy dump.

What?

Is this it, then?
Ah, yes.

Ablutions hut, toilet hut, camp shop.

It doesn't seem very full, does it?

You're lucky.
I had a couple of cancellations.

That's why I was able
to squeeze you in.

Well, before you start squeezing,

why are these people all sitting
around with their clothes on?

Well, it's a camp rule, "All visitors
will be respectfully dressed

at all times."
At all times?

Of course. I can't have people
walking round here naked.

I've got my hens to think of.
It doesn't take much
to put them off their laying.

And it doesn't take much
to put me off mine.

We've come to the wrong place.
We can't stay here.

Please yourself.
So if you'll just give me the money.

I'm very sorry. It's a camp rule.
No monies returnable.

If you don't give it to me...
What's all the fuss?

I was just saying
you girls don't want to stay.

That was before we saw it.
It's lovely.

Yes. Lovely.

That's all right, then, isn't it?
Yes. Lovely.

(THUNDER CRACKS)

I wouldn't take too long
putting your tents up.

It wouldn't surprise me
if we didn't have some rain.

You had to open your big mouth!

Oh!

You two get in the car
and me and Sid'll put them up.

(THUNDER CRACKS)

Hurry up, girls. Come along now.
Pick up your luggage.

Well, here we are, girls.
Welcome to Balsworth Youth Hostel.

Corridor E. Rooms 15 to 22.
All the girls will have to share.

Not you, of course, Matron.
You'll be in Room 19.

Thank you very much, Dr Soaper.
Not at all.

I'm sure no-one will disturb you.

Yes, come along, girls.
Hurry up. All pair off.

Each girl make a pair.
All make a pair.

That's right.

What's the matter, Sally?

Please, sir,
I don't seem to have a pair.

I wouldn't say that, dear.

You see, there's eleven of us.

Yes, that's true. I hadn't thought
of that. That is most awkward.

She can have my room.
I beg your pardon?

Well, I'm on my own.
She can have it if she wants.

Oh, yes, I suppose that
would appear to be the only solution.

All right, Sally, you take Room 17.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

That's all right. Any time.

Yes, all right. Come along, dear.

You'll be sharing with me. Room 16.

(THUNDER CRACKS)

Oh! Mind where you're putting that!
Sorry.

Give me a peg.

Peg...

Here you are.

All right. Bang it in.

Ah!
Sorry!

What's the matter with you?

Ah! Oh!

(OWL HOOTS)

Oh, hold still a minute, Peter,
please!

HARRIET: Ah, that's better!

Oh, got it!

Ahhh!

PETER: Is that the lot?
HARRIET: No, just one more.

Now, hold still.

That's it.
Ahhh!

PETER: Ooh...
HARRIET: There.

That's better. Now, get your clothes
on, we'll have a nice hot cup of tea.

Ow!

(KNOCKING)

Hello. Is anyone there?

Oh, hello.
Good evening.

Oh, you poor thing. You're soaked.

Yes, it's been raining, you see.

Come inside. Come inside.
Come on, quickly.

Peter, move up.

(POTS RATTLE VIOLENTLY)

Move up, Peter!

Move up.

Hello. Feeling better?

Yes, thank you.

Here. Get those things off.

Come on, Peter,
give the poor old chap a hand.

Will you? Yes, if you could just
get the pack off.

Nearly off. No, wait a minute.
That side now.

That's it. Thank you very much.

Oh, you're all wet!
Don't worry about that.

Peter doesn't mind a drop of water.
No, I love it.

By the way, I'm Harriet Potter
and this is my husband Peter.

How do you do?
My name is Muggins. Charlie Muggins.

That doesn't surprise me.

I've lost my tent and I've been
searching around looking for
somewhere to spend the night.

You're miles from anywhere here.
Yes.

Why not stay the night here?
May I?

Yes. No.
I mean, Mr Muggins hardly knows us.

We don't want to embarrass him.

You're not shy, are you?
No.

Well, of course, you're not.

After all, with us, it's just down
to the old undies and into the bag,
isn't it, Peter?

Well, perhaps Mr Muggins doesn't like
watching people getting stripped down
to their old undies.

Oh, I don't mind. That is if you and
your husband don't wish to be alone.

What on earth for?

Oh! I see what you mean.

(LAUGHS IRRITATINGLY)

Oh, we gave up all that sort of
thing years ago, didn't we, Peter?

Yes, you did, didn't you?

I still have my little cot with me,
if you're sure there's room for it.

Yes, of course. Put it up the middle.

Peter will give you a hand
to get it out, won't you, dear?

Oh, gladly.

That's it. Now, pull!

Oh! Oh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ahhhh!

Ahhhhhhh!

(BIRD SQUAWKS)

Look, how much longer
are you going to be?

Nearly finished.
You said that nearly an hour ago.

That's it, Bernie, get the beds.
Righto.

Oh!

Ah!

I'm terribly sorry. Here, let me.

No, no, no. My nightie!
What?

My nightie.
Oh.

Mr Tanner!

Well, I fell over her
and accidentally pulled it off.

I'm quite sure Barbara's big enough
to put it back on herself.

Oh, yes, she's big enough,
all right.

Oh.
I meant...

Good night.

You two get to bed.

I'll deal with you in the morning.

I'll fix that old bag some day.

Give us a hand.

Back to Room 16
and don't hog the bed!

Dr Soaper's coming.

Here, I've got an idea. Come here.

Off to beddy-byes now, girls.
Get a good night's sleep.

Yes, Dr Soaper, and the same to you.
Thank you. Good night.

Oh!

Matron, this is the men's.

Go away, Dr Soaper!
I'm sorry.

No, Matron, I assure you,
the mistake is yours.

It's quite clearly marked...

Oh. Oh, I...

Dr Soaper, I must confess,
I'm not an expert in these matters,

but I hardly think a shower stall
is a suitable place
for making advances.

I thought
I'd got hold of the shower tap.

I mean...
Oh!

But, Matron, I...

Come on, girls,
everything's ready for you.

Oh! Oh, it's lovely and cosy,
isn't it, Anthea? Lovely.

Worth waiting for, weren't it?

Beds are all made up, there's a
light and hangers for your clothes.

That's in case you want to go out.

(METALLIC CRASH)
And that's in case you don't.

Well, you have done it nice
and there's so much room.

Yes, you could get four in there
easy...

if you had to.

Yes, well,
let's put up the other tent.

Do you have to?
You're soaking wet already
and it's started to rain again.

We've got to kip somewhere.

Yes, I suppose so.

(THUNDER CRACKS)
What's a drop of pleurisy, anyway?

Night, Bernie.
Hey, wait!

Look, I've had an idea.
Yes?

Well, it seems silly to get wet again
putting up the other tent.

That's exactly what we thought. So?

So, why don't you both sleep
in the car?

(HUMMING)

Would you please stop barging?

I'm sorry, I'm trying to get my sock
off and I can't find the top.

That's my leg, Mr Muggins.

Oh, sorry.

It was my fault. I was too close.

W-w-what are you...?

Would you mind, please?

It's so difficult when you're...

It'll be much better
when I get my pants off.

Mrs Potter...
Mm?

You're getting mine off.
Good heavens! I'm terribly sorry.

There's so little room in here.

Oh!

Oh, just a minute.

Ooh! You keep pushing.
Would you...

Would you please
get out of my pyjamas?

I can't move.

Mr Potter!
Mr Muggins!

Ooh, what's happening?

Oh, Mr Muggins, please!
You've made a mistake.

I know you didn't mean...really.

Do you mind?
No, it was silly of me.

Keep it to yourself.
I've got my own, you see?

(THUNDER CRACKS)

Oh! There you are.

That's not the other bed,
that's the rubber dinghy.

Eh? A real bargain that was.
Self-inflating an' all.

What do we want
a self-inflating rubber dinghy for?

We'll need it
when we get to the beach.

If we get much more of this rain,
we'll need it here.

Get your sopping clothes off my bed.
Get up!

Sorry.

Evening.

Ah!

Try this way. Turn over here.

Ah, that's it.
Ah-ha! Well done. That's fine.

You'll be all right there,
Mr Muggins.

Thank you. I only hope
I didn't disturb you too much.

Oh, no. Not at all.

Good night, all.
Night.

Good night, Mrs Potter.

Er, excuse me,

I think you'd better have my cot.

I'll sleep in the middle.

All right.

(HUMMING)

Um, um...

You've got my sleeping bag.

You are kind.

Night.

(MUMBLES DISCONTENTEDLY)

Girls! Get back to your room.

I want no more trouble tonight.

Yes, Matron.

You stay here and keep watch.

(HUMMING)

(HUMMING)

Move over!
Ah!

Ah!

BOTH: Dr Soaper!

(THUNDER CRACKS AND RAIN POURS)

(SNEEZES)
Bless you.

And you.

Bernie, it's raining.

Hang on a minute.

Thank you.

Now for Gawd's sake,
let's get some sleep. I'm ready.

What about the light?
OK.

What are you doing?

(SPRINGS BOING)

Oh, come on out, quick, Anthea,
it's a smashing day.

Ooh, yes, it's lovely.

Where are the boys?

(SNEEZES)

Oh!

What did you want to do that for?

Right. Let's go.

Darling, is it quite fair on
Mr Muggins to leave him like this?

Yes. Now stop talking
and get out of here.

Ah, there you are.
Good morning, girls.

BOTH: Good morning, Dr Soaper.

Hurry up now. The coach is waiting.

Sorry we busted in on you like that
last night, sir.

I hope we didn't ruin things for you.

Not at all. It was just
a misunderstanding over the room
numbers, you understand.

Of course, sir.
I wonder how it could have happened.

The doors were all marked
so clearly, sir.

No harm done.
I was only in there for a bit.

Of course, sir.
No harm in a bit now and then.

Good morning, Matron.
I was just explaining to the girls
about last night.

No, please don't say anything more.

I fear I owe you an apology.

Not at all. You weren't to know
I was in the wrong room.

Oh, no, please.
I have been thinking about it.

I should never have screamed out
like that.

It was most immature of me.
Oh, I wouldn't say that...

What?!

You see, I've always led
a very sheltered life.

And before this, no man has ever
tried to force his attentions on me.

I can well believe it.
All the same...

But I am not a child.

I am aware that a man
has these uncontrollable urges

from time to time.
Only at Christmas and bank holidays.

I should really feel very flattered

that you would want
to release them on me.

But I don't, Matron, I assure you.

Oh, I realise, of course,
it was the sight of me in the shower

that aroused
your slumbering manhood.

Oh, but it wasn't slumbering,
it was only half...

No, please don't say any more!
Just be patient with me.

Remember, I am inexperienced
in such things.

Just don't rush me.

I think you'll find
it's worth waiting for.

Yes, so's Christmas, but you won't
find me stuffing your turkey.

(BREATHES IN DEEPLY)

If this is paradise, give me hell.
I will, if you don't stop moaning.

What have I got to be cheerful about?

I thought
we might come again next year.

Over my dead body.

To tell you the truth,
we were a bit worried, weren't we?

Yes.

Worried? What about?

Oh, it's silly, I know, but we
thought all coming camping together,

you two boys might have tried it on.

That's funny.
Sid and me thought that, didn't we?

Did we?

How do you do, all?
Hello, Mr Fiddler.

What this, then?
Caught colds, have you?

Oh, no, just giving our feet
some air, that's all.

You've settled in all right, then?
Yes, very nicely, thank you.

Look, you didn't say nothing
about putting up a clothesline.

Oh, don't you allow them, then?

It's just that it takes up
so much space.

That's why we have
to make a small charge.

Small charge? Oh, now, look.
Just a nominal one, mind.

A pound? Oh, no,
you can put four up for a pound.

Get away.

You mean to tell me, you will let us
put up one clothesline,

occupying at least ten feet of
empty air for only five shillings?

Ah, no. One's 7/6. Four for a pound.

You skinflint! You scavenger!
(HORN BLARES)

(HORN BLARES)

Don't worry. We'll come
to some arrangement about the line.

Yes, round your bloomin' neck.

Sid, you must not talk to him like
that. Well, he gets on my wick.

Blimey, ten quid we spent here.
Anybody would think the bloomin'
field belonged to him.

Sid, my stew!

Ah!

That's it. Pack up. Pack up.

We're getting out of this joint
right now. Get the stuff up.

I say, thanks most awfully
for the lift. That's all right.

Come along, girls.
Collect your bags.

This way.

Such charming company, too.

I say, could I give something
towards the petrol?

Well, you could give something
for all the food.

Ooh, but I'd be delighted.

Thank you.
Don't mention it.

Here you are, Sid.
Joan says to put some of
this ointment on your poor feet.

Never mind about my feet. Get them
tents down and let's get out of here.

Righto.

Look at that!

What?

I don't think much of yours.
Oh, I don't know.

She's got lovely big...blue eyes.

You can have the one in the blazer.

Well?

Well, what?

Well, are we leaving, or not?

What? A lovely cheap place
like this?

I don't call ten quid cheap.
Oh, shut up!

Leaving? You must be barmy.

That's it. Frames up first
and then canvas later.

And there's bedding and bunks
by the coach.

No, no, Barbara!
Tent up first, bunk up later.

Ah, that's it, girls. Very good.

Frames first
and then canvas over later.

Oh, excellent. Well done, Matron.

Oh, well, it is a little bit rickety,
Doctor.

Is it? Yes, well, of course,
it's fairly easy to get it up,

it's getting it to stay up,
that's what counts.

Oh, you haven't pegged it down
properly.

Oh, you must forgive me, Doctor,
I've never done it before.

Yes, so you told me earlier.

Excuse me.

Oh, Doctor,
I suppose you haven't room for me?

Room for you? Yes. You see,
I happen to have lost my tent.

My dear man, these tents
are all for young girls.

Oh, well, I'm not fussy.

Well, I am.
Oh.

What about the little one
at the far end?

That, sir, is MY habitat.

Oh, I do beg your pardon. Do you
know, I thought that you and she...

Certainly not! Oh, in that case,
I don't mind sharing with her.

Well, you're certainly not fussy.

Here we are again, Mr Fiddler.

Welcome back, Mrs Potter, Mr Potter.

Oh, thank you.
Did you get our booking?

Ah, yes.
Now about that, Mrs Potter...

I've got a bit of a shock.

You mean, there's no room?

Oh, no, I can always manage to
squeeze old customers in all right.

Oh.

It's just that overheads have gone
up so much since you were here last.
I've had to...

How much more this year, Mr Fiddler?

A pound.

Oh, we quite understand.

You might, I don't.

Just what overheads do you have,
Mr Fiddler? It's only a field.

To you, Mr Potter, maybe.

Take that grass,
it don't grow by itself, you know.

It has to be manured regular.

And manure's gone up
by ten pound a load now.

Sounds a real bargain to me,
Mr Fiddler.

What is it? Second-hand?

Mrs Potter, hello!

Mrs Potter, I'm coming.

Oh, look, darling.
Look, it's Mr Muggins.

Yeah, well, your problems are solved,
Mr Fiddler.

At least, you won't have to buy
any more manure.

Supper's ready.
Good. I'm starving.

Where are the boys?

It's awfully sweet of you
to help us like this.

It's nothing.
It's a pleasure, isn't it, Bern?

Oh, yeah. Especially when
you're as well-equipped as you are.

Thanks for the compliment.

No, I meant with camping equipment.
Don't spoil it.

Are you two here on your own?
Oh, no, we've got our girlfr...

Ow!
Sorry.

Were you going to say
you've got girlfriends with you?

No, he always calls them that.
They're relations, actually.
Aunties.

Oh, well, then, they won't mind
you being with us, will they?

Mind? They'll be tickled pink.

Remember, girls, the camp perimeter
lights go out at ten o'clock

and I don't want to see any of you
outside your tents after that.

There'll be usual PT at seven thirty,
followed by breakfast at eight,

and then I'll be taking you all
on a lovely nature ramble.

Lunch at one o'clock,

and then I'll be giving a lecture
on birdsong and the calls of nature.

All right. I'll show you once again.
Are you watching?

Right. Here we go now.
Now you see it, now you don't.

That's it. Wrong again.
That's three kisses you owe me.

What is going on here?

Oh, um, these two gentlemen
have been kindly helping us
with our tents, sir.

Yes, very nice, but you mustn't let
them take advantage of you.

Oh, no, we'll try not to, sir.
I'm talking to the gentlemen.

We're only too happy
to be of assistance.

It's very kind of you,
but I'd like to see you get
everything organised inside the tent.

That suits us.
I was talking to the girls.

Bunks and bedding.

Oh, yes, well,
Jane's just gone to get hers, sir.

And it's high time you got yours.

And I was talking to the girls.

Come on, Fanny,
we'd better get cracking.

You don't want to take that.
It's too heavy.
You might do yourself an injury.

That's all right. I can manage.

Can you? Go and get some more
for the others.

Here, what are you doing in here?

We've come to give you
a couple of hands, that's all.

If Dr Soaper sees you here,
we'll get into awful trouble.

We've just got to make sure
he doesn't see us, haven't we?

Well, it must go together somehow.

Well, hurry up, before someone comes.

Perhaps you have to pull something.

How about those two things
sticking out in front?

Yeah, how about them!

Oh, saucy!

(LAUGHTER)

BABS: Come on.
How much longer are you going to be?

BERNIE: Sorry, but
it's not going to work like this.

We'll have to try it
the other way round.

SID: Stop messing around, you two.
Give us the bed.
Let me and Babs show you how.

What do you want me to do?
Grab hold of this.

SID: No. Both hands.

Oh, it's all right.
It's only your aunties.

(COCK CROWS)

(SNORES HEAVILY)

(SNORING CONTINUES)

(COCK CROWS)

(SNORES)

(COCK CROWS)

Bend, bend, bend, bend, bend, bend,

bend, bend, bend, bend,

bend, bend, bend, bend,

bend, bend, bend, bend,

bend, bend, bend, bend, bend, bend.

And up!

And down.

And up!

And down.

And up!

And down.

Now, really touch those toes,
Barbara.

And up!

And rest.

Now, legs astride.

Arms flinging from side to side.
Begin.

And fling! And in.

And fling! And in.

And both arms fling!

Now, really let's see those chests
come out.

And fling! And in.

And fling!

And in. And fling!

Ooh, Matron, take them away!

Ah!

If you were a gentleman,
you'd close your eyes.

DR SOAPER: Stop laughing!

Now that Barbara's fallen out...

Stop laughing!

We will continue. Hands on hips.

Bending from side to side. Begin.

Bend, bend, bend, bend, bend.

Bend. That's enough for today.

After you've all had a shower
and breakfast,

you'll be pleased to hear
I've been able to arrange
a lovely outing for you all

to the famous mineral drink-producing
monastery at Standfast,

where you can actually see the monks
making their own water.

Dismiss.

Oh, you're up already, dear.
Are you ready for some breakfast?

I am. Did you have a good night?

Oh, not bad.

One of the girls from across the way
came over,

and dragged me out of the tent,
took me into the woods.

I'm afraid it's only eggs
this morning.

Mr Muggins finished all the bacon
last night. How surprising.

Did you sleep well, dear?
Not very, no.

You see, this girl kept waking me up
to make love to her.

Oh, poor Mr Muggins.
You know, he does need feeding up.

Harriet!
What's the matter, dear?

Don't you think it's time Mr Muggins
got another tent to himself?

Oh, darling, we couldn't chuck him
out like that. He's so helpless.

You mean hopeless.

You're just a bit grumpy
this morning.

Perhaps you had a bad night?
No, not really, no.

Mind you, it got a bit rough
when the rest of the girls
came across and joined us.

I just couldn't satisfy them.

You know, I wouldn't have minded
a bit of that myself.

A bit of what?
That bacon. Pity he finished it.

Frustrated? What do you mean,
you feel frustrated?

What did Fiddler say to you
yesterday when you asked for eggs?

He said he was not getting any.
Exactly.

It's six days now and those birds
are ready to be friendly.

They're friendly, but Mr Fiddler
says they're just not laying.

Not the bloomin' chickens!

I mean, Babs,

and the other.
Fanny?

Yeah, that's it.

Maybe if we could get hold of 'em...

Yes, but how? How?

With those four beady eyes
watching us?

Morning.

Hurry, girls. No dawdling.

See that?
They gave us a little wave.

Yeah, fat lot of good that'll do you.

Pity we don't share
the same ablutions.

Yeah.

Get your wash things.

I had a wash yesterday.
You'll have another one today.

But I'm on holiday!
Oh, come on.

This way, girls.

Hello, there.
Hello.

(WHISTLES)

What are you doing?
We haven't come here to wash.

But you said I was going to have
another... Sh!

What are you up to? They can't stop
us talking through the wall.

Hey, hurry up, Barbara.

Oh, just a minute.
I've only just got in here.

BABS: "Of course, sir.
Sorry, we busted in on you
like that last night, sir."

I can hear her
just the other side of the wall.

Who?
Babs, I think.

Hey, look!

Bernie, Bernie, Bernie.

You'll break out in boils.

It's Babs. I recognise the dimples.

Hey, Babs!

It's me. Sid Boggle.

Can you hear me?

Only just.
You'll have to speak up a bit.

I was wondering if
we could meet up somewhere tonight.

Meet where?

Hello?

Sid, watch it.

Hello?

(WHISTLING)

Sid!

Are you still there?

Sid, are you still there?

Barbara, who are you talking to?

Ooh. Ooh, no-one, Matron.

Come out of there immediately.

I thought so!

Disgusting brutes!

What is it? What's the matter?

Some man's been looking at us.

Are you there?

Get out of here. Quick!

Hello, there.
Hello.

Filthy beasts!

Disgusting be...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I've had another letter from Mum.
She's worried.

Oh? What about this time?
Oh, the usual.

"I had a nasty dream last night
about you and Anthea.

You were asleep in your tent,

and these two big, lusty farm hands
broke in and cultivated
your friendship."

Chance would be a fine thing.

Anthea!

Ooh, I'm sorry.

It just sort of slipped out.

Ooh, look, there they are.

Murder, isn't it? Like having an
itch and nothing to scratch it with.

Do you really think they fancy us?

Fancy us? Your trouble is
you don't recognise a green light
when you see it.

I haven't had much luck
with the red ones, either.

Where do you think you're going?
For a walk.

On tiptoe?
I didn't want to wake you.

Now, look, don't you kid me,
Sid Boggle.

You're eyeing
those two flashy birds.

What two flashy birds?
She means Babs and Fanny.

Who asked you?
I was only trying to help.

I didn't even notice them.

You haven't stopped eyeing them
ever since they came.

Can I help it if they stand
where I'm staring?

Not content with bags
under your eyes, you want them
in front of you, as well.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(LAUGHS)

Hello, everyone. Lovely afternoon.

Hello, Mrs Potter. Yes, lovely.

I thought you ought to know
that this evening

Dr Soaper is giving us
a lecture on bird-watching.

Thanks. I've already had one.

Don't take any notice of him,
Mrs Potter. We'll be there.

Oh, good-oh! Seven o'clock.
In front of the latrines.

That should be a good atmosphere
for it.

I say, you haven't seen
my husband, have you? Afraid not.

He seems to have disappeared.
He's a good judge.

Come along, girls.

Quickly now.

Come on.

That's right.

And remember, don't go asking
the monks any stupid questions,

because they've given up talking.
And no saucy looks,

because they've given that up, too.
Are we all ready to go?

Yes, Dr Soaper, all except Jane.

She wasn't feeling well,
so I told her to stay in bed.

What have you done to your eye?

I got a fly in it.

There goes Dr Soaper's party now.

I say, have you visited
Standfast Abbey?

Er, no.

You should, you know.
A most extraordinary order of monks.

Well, in that case, I'd rather not.

Oh, well.
I'd better find the old pot and pan.

Bye.

She's quite right. We ought to see
everything there is to see.

You weren't doing so badly
this morning in the ablutions hut.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

No?

All right. Get your things.
Let's go. No, thank you.

All right, Bernie, you and me'll go.
Where to?

That place. Standfast Abbey.

Oh, you mean,
where the girls have gone?

Sorry.

Get your things, Anth.

(DRUNKENLY) Mr Muggins, much as
I enjoy your excellent company...

That's a blasted lie for a start.

I must be completely honest,

only polite.

My dear Mr Muggins,

it's only a suggestion,

but why don't you take your stinking
carcass out of our bloody tent?

If only I had the nerve.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

You're from the camping site,
aren't you? Mm.

I've seen you with that funny woman
and that scrawny, little man.

I don't like them much.

Sit down and join the club.
All right.

I like you, though.

(GIGGLES WEAKLY)
Having fun?

Not much.

Oh, would you like some?
No, I don't drink.

Pity.

Oh, cigarette?

I don't smoke.
Oh.

But we can go to my tent
if you like.

The others are all away.

Well?

Come on, then.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(CHANTING)

Ooh, I like this one of the monks
doing their laundry.

Ooh, lovely.

I suppose that's where
they get rid of their dirty habit.

That is not very funny, Bernie.

Has Sid got a...

Well, where is he? Where's Sid?

Oh, he's just crept into the crypt
for a...smoke.

Psst! Psst!

How about a bit of fun tonight?

Not 'alf, brother.
We'll be over after lights out.

Bless you, my children.

Oh, there you are.
Where have you been all afternoon?

I have been lying in
the arms of a beautiful girl.

I was getting worried.
You missed your tea.

Harriet!
Still, you're in time for supper.

Harriet!
What is it, dear?

Where is Mr Muggins?

Oh, he's in the tent.

Oh, Peter, don't go in.
He's having a nap.

Peter, what's come over you?

Ooh!

And stay out!

And now, Harriet, I'd like you
inside, please. What for?

You'll find out.
Oh.

But what about the sup...?

Oh, so glad you reminded me.

Urgh!

Oh!

Oh, Peter!

Oh, I wonder if he's offended
about something?

I keep telling you, Bernie,
as soon as the lights go out,
they're coming in here.

What for?
A party.

Shouldn't we get some cakes?

Not that kind of a party.
Bernie, we have got it made.

All we've got to do is
play our cards right.

Oh. I hope they play rummy.

Forget it. Just hide the bottles.

Supposing Joan and Anthea find out?
They'll be asleep by then.

But what if they hear a noise
and get up to investigate?

I've thought of that.

A needle and thread?
That's it.

As soon as it gets dark, we nip out
and sew their tent flaps together.

Dr Soaper.

Yes, what is it, Matron?

I must see you on a personal matter.

Oh, I can't come out now.

I'll see you in the morning.

Very well. If you won't come out,
I'll come in.

No!

Oh, no, you don't!

Oh, oh, oh, no!

No, Matron,
I was just taking a short cut.

I don't know why, Doctor, but I have
a feeling you're trying to avoid me.

Oh, no! Whatever gave you that idea?

But you shouldn't be in here,
you know.

Think of the girls.
They need watching.

Oh, to hell with the girls!
To hell with gir... Matron!

I can't help it.
It's not fair to ignore a woman

after you've aroused
her dormant passion.

But I've not aroused your doormat
ration... your dormant passion.

Oh, but you have.

All my life I've been like
an unused clockwork toy,

and then that night at the hospital
you wound me up.

Now you must start me!

Oh, I couldn't.
I might bust your spring.

You want to see
what's going on in the next field.
Some sort of a rave-up.

Really? Yes. Come on.
It's going to go on all night.

All night? What about the old hag?

Oh, don't worry about her,
she's in with old sober.

Oh, good. Come on, girls.
Come on. There's a rave-up.

Quick!

Ooh!

(HORNS BEEP)

Ooh-ooh!

(COMEDY HORN)

What time is it now, Sid?

Oh, blimey, it's only eight o'clock.
Will you relax?

Eight o'clock?
Another two hours to wait.

I'll be worn out
by the time they get here.

Oh!

You don't know how empty my life
has been.

Before I came to your school,
I was matron at a hospital.

There was a doctor there. He was
brilliant. He looked just like you.

I worshipped him, but he ignored it.

Why whenever I show any interest
in a man, do they ignore it?

Why? Haven't I got appeal?

Yes, but so's a banana
and I don't even want that.

But I feel you're different, Doctor.

Don't you feel something?

No. I believe in keeping my hands
to myself.

But that night in the hostel,
you showed me your true feelings.

Now I beg you, let me show you mine.

But I don't want to see yours.
Don't fight it!

Oh, help! Someone, help!
(MUSIC STARTS)

What's that? What's going on?

I don't know,
but thank heavens for it.

It's in the next field.

Matron, they've got our girls
in there.

Oh!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, I say!

Stop it. Come along, Barbara.
Stop it.

Get back to your tent at once.
You've got no right to be here.

I'm not having any of this.
We're only dancing, sir.

Come along. Get back to your tent.
How dare you behave in this manner?

It's not my fault.
It's Farmer Giles's field and he's
given permission for them to use it.

But we can't stand that row
all night.

How are we going to get any sleep?

From what I hear, you wasn't
reckoning on doing much sleeping.

The point is
what are we going to do about it?

I can't have my wife upset
by that noise.

You think she's upset. You should
see what it's done to my hens.

I couldn't care less about them.
Never mind your bloomin' hens!

Look, just a minute. If you really
want to get rid of them,
I think I know how we can do it.

The girls are all back now, Doctor.
How are you feeling?

I'm all right.
I'm just a bit shaken up, that's all.

(SCREECHING)

Come on.

They're going.
(CHEERING)

Bernie, we can get on with
that our party of ours now.

That'll teach them. I wish the girls
could see this now, Matron.

(CHEERING)

The girls are in that truck! Stop!
Stop, I say!

Hey, they've taken all the girls.

What all of them?
Every flamin' one.

Quickly, Matron,
we must go after them.

Whoo-hoo!

Peter, look,
they've stolen our tandem.

Stop! Come back, I say!

Stop! I'll report you to the board!

Stop! Do you hear?

Good.
What?

We won't need it when
we go to Monte Carlo next year.

Monte Carlo?
That's right.

We'll go on the ferry...
with all the camping equipment.

Oh, what a good idea!

And when we're halfway across,
we'll dump the whole damned lot
over the side.

Oh, Peter!

Anything you say, darling.

Oh, well, there goes our party.
What party?

Babs and Fanny were coming over
to our tent and...

Big mouth.

I don't know what you're bothering
with them for when you've got us.

You mean, you'll let me...

Unless, of course,
we don't appeal to you in that way.

Let's go to your tent.

Come on!

You're not going to be sick again,
are you?

Only if you stop that.

Oh, Bernie!

Cooee!

Cooee!

Oh, no!
Oh, my Gawd!

Oh, Anth!

I've been so worried about you,
I thought I'd better come
and keep an eye on things.

Very thoughtful.
Hello, Mother.

(BLEATS)

Well, aren't you going to ask me in?
Look!

Ah!

Oh, Gawd!

Oh, dear, the ram's loose.

That's not the only one!

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