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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,869 --> 00:00:05,270 - Eight of hearts. - Drink! 2 00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:09,808 Three of clubs. 3 00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:11,876 - Drink! - Drink! 4 00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:14,279 I forget, which cards don't we drink on? 5 00:00:14,281 --> 00:00:15,680 Don't worry, I took them out of the deck. 6 00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:16,548 Francine! 7 00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:18,116 Francine! 8 00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:19,384 Francine! 9 00:00:19,484 --> 00:00:20,485 Francine! 10 00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:21,553 Chicago Dave! 11 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:22,887 That's Chicago Dave! 12 00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:24,088 My buddy from college! 13 00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:26,158 He's ascended the mountain, Francine! 14 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:27,426 A real mountain? 15 00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,027 Like Mount Everlast? 16 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,029 Or Mount Killamandingo? 17 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,164 What? No. 18 00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:33,898 He's writing movies for Reese Witherspoon! 19 00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:36,635 What's the best part of writing a movie for Reese Witherspoon? 20 00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,437 Easy. Meeting Reese Witherspoon. 21 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,505 Obviously. I'm so embarrassed I even asked. 22 00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:41,774 Dave moved to Chicago. 23 00:00:41,776 --> 00:00:44,442 Joined the world-famous City Second improv troupe 24 00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:45,978 where he was plucked to join the cast 25 00:00:45,980 --> 00:00:47,579 of "Sketches and Laughing," 26 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,047 A.K.A. "S-and-L"! 27 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,516 And now he's writing Reese Witherspoon movies. 28 00:00:51,518 --> 00:00:52,917 What's your point, Stan? 29 00:00:52,919 --> 00:00:55,053 My point is that man could have been me. 30 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,721 I flipped another card! 31 00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,259 Great, I'm missing the end of the game. 32 00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:02,527 It's a red one! 33 00:01:02,529 --> 00:01:05,130 Ugh, that's a drink one, Stan. 34 00:01:08,002 --> 00:01:10,735 ? Good morning, U.S.A. ? 35 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:14,272 ? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ? 36 00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:17,142 ? The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ? 37 00:01:17,144 --> 00:01:20,946 ? And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ? 38 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,751 ? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ? 39 00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:29,154 - ? Good... ? - ? Good morning, U.S.A. ? 40 00:01:29,156 --> 00:01:30,322 Aah! 41 00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:34,727 ? Good morning, U.S.A. ? 42 00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:40,165 Chicago Dave is living the best life a human can. 43 00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:42,100 And you went to college with him. 44 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,902 I more than went to college with him. 45 00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:45,170 A little backstory is needed. 46 00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:46,371 Ugh. 47 00:01:46,373 --> 00:01:48,573 It was the summer of 21 years ago... 48 00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:51,576 the start of my senior year of college. 49 00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:54,112 I was ready to take the throne as funniest student 50 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,514 in the School of Government. 51 00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:57,649 But what I didn't know was someone else 52 00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,384 had eyes on the same prize. 53 00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:01,986 What are two examples of a republic? 54 00:02:01,988 --> 00:02:04,122 Uh, Disneyland and Narnia. 55 00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:07,259 Uh, my butt and balls. 56 00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,128 Okay, shut up, shut up! 57 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,531 We're trying to learn government here! 58 00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:15,400 We became a team. 59 00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:17,870 By winter break we were known more for our comedy 60 00:02:17,872 --> 00:02:20,004 than our schoolwork, which we had stopped doing. 61 00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:22,541 ...which led to rules governing Search and Seizure... 62 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,543 Seizure? I barely know her! 63 00:02:25,499 --> 00:02:26,945 Checks and Balances? 64 00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:29,013 More like cheeks and ball-ances! 65 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,685 I didn't even say Checks and Balances! 66 00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:39,558 Promise me you will never accept any sort of government job. 67 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,426 And do what instead? 68 00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:42,761 - Comedy? - Sure. 69 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,897 I despise comedy, so that would be great. 70 00:02:44,899 --> 00:02:47,099 Except for Mark Russell, the political pianist. 71 00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:49,434 You guys familiar? 72 00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:50,702 What do you say, Stan? 73 00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:53,572 Ya wanna move to Chicago and chase this dragon? 74 00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:57,376 ? Ross Perot, he's an independent hero! ? 75 00:02:57,378 --> 00:03:01,177 ? Giant sucking sound, was a total zero! ? 76 00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:04,449 There was only one problem. 77 00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:05,584 I can't go. 78 00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:06,985 I'm too afraid. 79 00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:09,121 Come on, Stan. I can't go alone. 80 00:03:09,123 --> 00:03:11,656 I need someone to talk to on the drive. 81 00:03:11,658 --> 00:03:13,192 Oh, wait. 82 00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:18,263 Never mind! Bye! 83 00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:20,966 Have fun living a life of fear! 84 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,402 He moved to Chicago without me. 85 00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:26,739 Never talked to him again. Tried to get in touch, 86 00:03:26,741 --> 00:03:29,341 but who can touch a shooting star? 87 00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:32,210 You can't even touch a regular star, Stan. 88 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,212 They're suns. 89 00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:35,280 If I'd just gotten in that Fiero, 90 00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:36,881 I'd be a famous comedian. 91 00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:40,285 What? How? 92 00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:43,555 - You're not funny. - Tha... bha... tha... bha... 93 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:44,689 I'm a funny guy! 94 00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:46,224 That's what I identify as. 95 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,693 Stan Smith... funny. Guy. 96 00:03:49,539 --> 00:03:50,695 I honestly don't know 97 00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:52,230 if you're joking right now. 98 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,966 It's always so hard to tell with you. 99 00:03:53,968 --> 00:03:56,034 Are you being crazy right now? 100 00:03:56,036 --> 00:03:57,703 Kids! 101 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,041 Not you, Klaus. 102 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:06,645 Your dad just said he's a funny guy. 103 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,382 That's a funny thing to say, Dad. 104 00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:11,450 That's not like you. 105 00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:12,651 It wasn't a joke! 106 00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:13,653 Here's a joke... 107 00:04:13,655 --> 00:04:14,919 Have you seen these teens 108 00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,455 eating their tide pods? 109 00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:18,923 What the heck? Those are for dishwashers. 110 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:19,992 Boo. 111 00:04:19,994 --> 00:04:22,927 Stan, the last good joke you made was Steve! 112 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,730 Nice, Mom! You burned Dad and Steve. 113 00:04:25,732 --> 00:04:28,533 Unlike Dad, who's had 14 years to burn me 114 00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,068 and never once scored. 115 00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,204 Never once scored... 116 00:04:32,206 --> 00:04:33,605 kinda like Steve! 117 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,540 Oh, ho! Wow! 118 00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:36,875 You see that, Dad? 119 00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:38,944 That's how you roast Steve. 120 00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:46,518 What the hell, Stan? 121 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,320 I'm out. Moving to Chicago. 122 00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:49,988 Gonna prove the haters wrong. 123 00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,189 What about work? 124 00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:52,658 I told Bullock that when I was young, 125 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:55,193 I dreamt of being a comedian and how I chickened out. 126 00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,862 He instantly granted me regret leave, 127 00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:58,464 which was a surprise considering 128 00:04:58,466 --> 00:04:59,998 we're basically getting ass-slammed 129 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,133 by China round the clock. 130 00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:02,868 Why don't you just take an improv class 131 00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,269 at the Learning Attic? 132 00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:06,138 Why would I listen to anything you have to say? 133 00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:07,272 You're my number-one hater. 134 00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:08,940 You've never supported my comedy. 135 00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:11,076 Come on, is this real? 136 00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:12,810 How long do you plan to be gone? 137 00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:14,612 As long as it takes. 138 00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:16,315 Maybe even longer. 139 00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:20,085 Goodbye, Francine. 140 00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,553 Lemme know how the kids turn out! 141 00:05:22,846 --> 00:05:29,294 ? Standing tall, on the wings of my dream ? 142 00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:35,967 ? Rise and fall, on the wings of my dream ? 143 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:39,037 ? The rain and thunder, the hmm and muhmuh ? 144 00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:42,640 ? um buh for better days! ? 145 00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:46,044 ? It's my life and my dream ? 146 00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:49,647 ? Nothing's going to stop me now ? 147 00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:00,125 Wow. 148 00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:02,861 This is what I missed out on 21 years ago. 149 00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:05,797 - Klaus?! - Klaus! 150 00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,399 Baaa-haaaa! 151 00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:10,402 You didn't think I'd let you move to Chi-town solo, did you? 152 00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:13,205 Plus, my boy Courtney in Tampa's cousin, Lindsey, 153 00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:16,141 lives down in Champaign and has a super-tight posse. 154 00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:18,410 He said we can go down there or they can come up here. 155 00:06:18,412 --> 00:06:20,478 It's all good, Stan. 156 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,080 No, no. No distractions. 157 00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:24,216 I'm here to focus on my comedy career. 158 00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:27,152 Tomorrow is my first day at City Second improv. 159 00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:28,686 Don't worry, Stan. 160 00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,688 My boys won't get in the way. 161 00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:33,691 We're just gonna be joshing around, teasing each other, 162 00:06:33,693 --> 00:06:36,161 sharing our dreams, building our lives, 163 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:39,365 and creating memories that will last a lifetime. 164 00:06:39,367 --> 00:06:41,833 That's if they're willing to drive up from Champaign, 165 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,902 which they sounded on the fence about. 166 00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:48,907 I'm gonna bury you guys at improv. 167 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,308 I wrote so much improv. 168 00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:52,510 I got a joke for every location. 169 00:06:52,512 --> 00:06:55,247 Bar, mission control, grocery store, 170 00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:56,714 another mission control. 171 00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:58,049 Restaurant? 172 00:06:58,051 --> 00:06:59,051 No one's gonna say "restaurant"! 173 00:06:59,053 --> 00:07:00,318 No one's gonna say that! 174 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,254 Welcome to improv level one! 175 00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:04,122 After tonight, you'll see there's no limit 176 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,392 to your comedy dreams beyond the number of classes 177 00:07:06,394 --> 00:07:07,926 you can afford. 178 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,428 So let's go! 179 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,329 _ 180 00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:11,997 You must quit comedy immediately. 181 00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,599 - I'm sorry? - You were horrible. 182 00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,533 That thing where you kept pulling your shirt 183 00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:17,603 over your head and yelling incoherently? 184 00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:18,670 That's Turtle Man! 185 00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,272 A very funny character of mine! 186 00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:23,141 Look, I'm not supposed to discourage anyone. 187 00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,611 This theater, like every other comedy theater in America, 188 00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:28,079 is a pyramid scheme. 189 00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:30,749 There are plenty of jobs outside of comedy. 190 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,151 Have you ever considered getting a government job? 191 00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,953 Actually I work at the C.I.A. 192 00:07:36,113 --> 00:07:37,623 That's pretty funny. 193 00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:40,426 But that's not a joke. I do work at the C.I.A. 194 00:07:40,428 --> 00:07:41,994 Please leave at once. 195 00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:47,599 What happened?! 196 00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,534 My teacher kicked me out of improv class 197 00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:50,869 after only eight minutes. 198 00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:51,871 Wow, that's fast. 199 00:07:51,873 --> 00:07:53,738 But it's only your first setback. 200 00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,406 And my last. I'm quitting. 201 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:58,810 But we haven't even had time to hang with my Champaign crew. 202 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:02,213 Stan, this is Lindsey, Double Dog, and Monty. 203 00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:04,083 Klaus, I don't want to meet your disgusting friends. 204 00:08:04,085 --> 00:08:06,618 They all look like Toomgis the snack monster. 205 00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:10,489 Holy crap, this dude's hilarious. 206 00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:11,957 You shouldn't do improv. 207 00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:16,161 You should be a famous stand-up comedian. 208 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,428 I like these guys. 209 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,364 Seem smart. Stan. 210 00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:20,699 Name's Stan. 211 00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,001 Stan Smith. 212 00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:23,665 _ 213 00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:25,770 Why aren't you guys ready? 214 00:08:25,772 --> 00:08:28,173 We're going on that deep dish pizza crawl. 215 00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,908 Actually we're staying in and helping 216 00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:31,510 Stan with his comedy. 217 00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:33,244 Why would you want to hang out with these guys anyway, Klaus? 218 00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:34,980 They look like a bunch of Toomgises. 219 00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:37,916 You said that one before, Stan! 220 00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,718 I'm recycling some of the classic ones, Klaus. 221 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:40,852 All the greats do it. 222 00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,321 Oh, here's a new joke I thought of... 223 00:08:42,323 --> 00:08:44,055 Klaus got caught sneaking a thermos 224 00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,991 into the movie theater and he cried! 225 00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:49,861 Good one, Stan. 226 00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,330 Classic joke structure. 227 00:08:51,332 --> 00:08:54,533 I'm going to, uh, go throw a whiz in the toilet. 228 00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,802 Francine. You gotta come get Stan. 229 00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:59,270 He totally crashed and burned trying to do comedy 230 00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:01,272 and he's too ashamed to come home. 231 00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,274 Are you not here? 232 00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,210 What, no, I'm in Chicago! 233 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,813 I left weeks ago, when Stan left. 234 00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:09,481 Huh. Now what's this? 235 00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:11,482 Stan's given up on comedy! 236 00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:14,219 He just sits on his ass all day with these [BLEEP] idiots, 237 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,087 who are supposed to be my friends, by the way. 238 00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:18,023 And if you ever want your husband back, 239 00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:19,758 you got to come get him. 240 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,496 So, have you been to a deli lately? 241 00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:26,765 All this deli meat? 242 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:30,902 I mean, who needs this much deli meat? 243 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,704 And that's how I close the show. 244 00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:40,111 Francine, what are you doing here? 245 00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:41,980 - Klaus called me and... - Klaus?! 246 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,850 Klaus, you called Francine to come get me? 247 00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:46,317 What? No, no, 248 00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:48,787 I only called her to tell her you were doing great. 249 00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,255 And I didn't even call her! 250 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,391 So you haven't given up, Stan? 251 00:09:52,393 --> 00:09:54,793 That's great news, because I felt 252 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,928 terrible about not supporting you. 253 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,330 Everybody felt terrible about that. 254 00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:00,732 It was a dark day. 255 00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,534 Let me make it up to you. 256 00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:04,403 I want to get you out there. 257 00:10:04,405 --> 00:10:06,605 I'll book you gigs, be your manager. 258 00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:09,274 Hmm. Would that be stepping on your toes, Lindsey? 259 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:13,078 Sorry, I guess my cousin got in a car accident. 260 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,279 What's going on, Stan? 261 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,414 Hey, you focus on your thing. 262 00:10:15,416 --> 00:10:17,082 Francine's my manager now. 263 00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,218 Francine, as I become more and more successful, 264 00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:21,753 your job will be getting me roles in Pixar movies 265 00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:23,288 and defending me on Twitter. 266 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,626 Surf's up, duders! 267 00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:29,228 Stan and Fran are gone. 268 00:10:29,230 --> 00:10:31,096 Time to live a little, guys! 269 00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:32,297 Cowabunga! 270 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:34,299 Eungh. I'm droppin' in! 271 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:36,501 Eungh. I'm gonna shoot this! 272 00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:37,903 Eungh. 273 00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:39,838 I'm stayin' upstairs tonight. 274 00:10:41,575 --> 00:10:45,477 Now, this is what the surf community calls hanging loose. 275 00:10:47,048 --> 00:10:49,915 Honestly, Roger, we're tired from "livin' a little" 276 00:10:49,917 --> 00:10:51,382 with you all the time. 277 00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,652 We're burned out on all your schemes, heists, 278 00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:56,722 scams, set-ups, misadventures, and dalliances. 279 00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:58,590 Hmm, I'm starting to think 280 00:10:58,592 --> 00:11:01,192 maybe you did steal my thesaurus, Steve. 281 00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:04,263 It's just nice to chill for a change, don't you think? 282 00:11:04,265 --> 00:11:07,666 No, what I do think is maybe you guys need a change of scenery. 283 00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:11,069 And I heard there's a rager down at Chimdale Harbor. 284 00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:14,940 Name's Dirt Mirklegunk and I know how to rock! 285 00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:18,209 No! No! Stop that. 286 00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:19,478 Hard pass! 287 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,147 Ugh, that is super annoying! 288 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:23,949 - You're annoying! - You know what, Roger? 289 00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:25,617 Maybe you need a little break 290 00:11:25,619 --> 00:11:27,352 from "livin' a little" all the time. 291 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:28,464 You think so? 292 00:11:28,956 --> 00:11:30,355 - I don't know. - Tell you what, 293 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,624 why don't you let Hayley and me host you 294 00:11:32,626 --> 00:11:34,025 for a chill night in? 295 00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:37,162 Hmm, and if that sucks, then we can go live a little? 296 00:11:37,164 --> 00:11:38,630 - Maybe. - Cool, cool. 297 00:11:38,632 --> 00:11:39,898 By the way, I'm changing my name 298 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,834 from Dirt Murkledunk to Mirt Dirkledunk. 299 00:11:43,501 --> 00:11:45,504 What's up with electric cars? 300 00:11:45,506 --> 00:11:47,372 Is everything gonna be electric? 301 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,774 What's next? Electric slide? 302 00:11:49,776 --> 00:11:52,111 I prefer my slide to be gas-powered, 303 00:11:52,113 --> 00:11:54,313 thank you very much. 304 00:11:54,315 --> 00:11:57,048 Hmm. No, that's perfect. 305 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,850 Stan, I got you a gig! 306 00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:01,520 There's a show at Pizzeria Uno tonight 307 00:12:01,522 --> 00:12:03,388 and they had a comedian cancel. 308 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,790 Tonight? I'd better practice 309 00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:07,726 my funny faces in the mirror! 310 00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:10,395 Your boy's gonna bomb, Francine. 311 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,063 That'd be sad. 312 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:15,667 Then we'd have to go home where I get to have all the sex 313 00:12:15,669 --> 00:12:16,868 I want with him. 314 00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:19,138 And where the snacks and TV are. 315 00:12:19,140 --> 00:12:20,539 You want him to bomb! 316 00:12:20,541 --> 00:12:21,606 Yes, Klaus. 317 00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:24,676 You're bad, Francine. 318 00:12:24,678 --> 00:12:26,879 You're a bad lady. 319 00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:32,684 Hey! Welcome, everybody, to Pizzeria Uno's comedy night, 320 00:12:32,686 --> 00:12:34,019 "Take my slice, cheese." 321 00:12:34,744 --> 00:12:38,357 Okay. Our first comedian is some guy. 322 00:12:38,359 --> 00:12:40,359 Let's give it up for him, huh? 323 00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:43,495 Whoo! 324 00:12:43,497 --> 00:12:47,766 Please. "Some Guy" is my father's name. 325 00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,634 So, millennials. 326 00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,837 Don't you just wish they were all dead? 327 00:12:53,174 --> 00:12:55,841 But then who would be left to play Porkymons? 328 00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,709 Boo! 329 00:12:57,711 --> 00:12:59,578 Screw you, let's see you get up here! 330 00:12:59,580 --> 00:13:02,047 I will as soon as the ambulance arrives. 331 00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,049 Oh, no. Is something wrong? 332 00:13:03,051 --> 00:13:04,983 Yeah! Someone's choking... 333 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,385 on stage! 334 00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:08,253 This crowd stinks! 335 00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:09,388 Turtle Man out! 336 00:13:12,593 --> 00:13:13,859 Oh, come on! 337 00:13:13,861 --> 00:13:16,327 He knocked over my pitchers of Blue Moon! 338 00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:17,663 Goddammit! 339 00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,131 Stan, are you okay? 340 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,534 Those are the kinds of shows that make you want 341 00:13:22,536 --> 00:13:23,802 to give up and move home. 342 00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:26,271 It's okay. You gave it your all. 343 00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:28,407 But I'm not going home! With your support, 344 00:13:28,409 --> 00:13:30,542 I can do this for as long as it takes. 345 00:13:30,544 --> 00:13:32,744 - Jigga-what?! - You see, I don't want much. 346 00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:34,679 I just want to ascend the mountain of comedy 347 00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:37,616 and stand atop it alone, like a hero or a god. 348 00:13:37,618 --> 00:13:41,086 Or something bigger than a god, a fireball... a firehorse! 349 00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:43,488 Anyone who comes near me shall be burned. 350 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,890 Is that so much to ask? 351 00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,425 I guess not. 352 00:13:46,427 --> 00:13:48,560 Whoo! Look out, world! 353 00:13:48,562 --> 00:13:49,628 Cat! 354 00:13:49,630 --> 00:13:51,145 Yeah, you better run! 355 00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,965 Uh-oh, Francine, looks like your support backfired. 356 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,835 You're right. We're never going home. 357 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:01,640 Smith! The Chinese are trying to kill 358 00:14:01,642 --> 00:14:04,776 "S&L" cast member Colin Jokes. 359 00:14:04,778 --> 00:14:07,046 We need an agent on the inside. 360 00:14:07,048 --> 00:14:10,849 Please tell me you've become a world-class comedian! 361 00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,317 "S&L"? 362 00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:14,453 That's the top of the mountain. 363 00:14:14,455 --> 00:14:15,921 We'd be done. 364 00:14:15,923 --> 00:14:17,139 He'll do it! 365 00:14:17,258 --> 00:14:18,523 You ready to get out of here? 366 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:21,392 Stan! You got "S&L"! 367 00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:22,661 What? How? 368 00:14:22,663 --> 00:14:25,864 Uh, one of the busboys was a scout 369 00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,466 and thought you were a genius. 370 00:14:27,468 --> 00:14:29,534 Yes! I made it to "S&L"! 371 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,803 And I didn't have to deploy my best character... 372 00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:34,473 guy who talks with a crazy voice! 373 00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:41,546 So Stan really thinks he's funny enough to be on "S&L"? 374 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:45,016 Yeah, and if he finds out otherwise, it'll destroy him. 375 00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,286 So don't say anything about this being a mission. 376 00:14:47,288 --> 00:14:48,954 But shouldn't he know the Chinese are trying 377 00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:50,555 to kill Colin Jokes? 378 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,890 Stan's a C.I.A. agent. 379 00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:55,160 If anything happens, his spy instincts will take over. 380 00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:56,428 Well, he better not mess this up 381 00:14:56,430 --> 00:14:58,697 because I want to go to the cast afterparty. 382 00:14:58,699 --> 00:14:59,898 I met a girl on Bumble who claims 383 00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,634 she's second cousins with Pete Davidson 384 00:15:02,636 --> 00:15:05,104 and I want to make sure she's not a liar. 385 00:15:05,862 --> 00:15:09,008 One extra-hot cranberry juice cocktail. 386 00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:11,510 Aah! 387 00:15:11,512 --> 00:15:12,978 Alright, I think I'm ready. 388 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,313 There he is! 389 00:15:14,315 --> 00:15:16,315 "S&L" creator and executive producer 390 00:15:16,317 --> 00:15:17,983 Lorne Mykies! 391 00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:21,786 Stan, I just wanted to personally thank you. 392 00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:25,524 It's good to know Colin's going to be safe out there. 393 00:15:25,526 --> 00:15:26,725 He'll be safe, alright. 394 00:15:26,727 --> 00:15:29,260 Safe in a blanket of warm laughter. 395 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,862 It's wild. 396 00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:32,731 All this just because we made a couple jokes 397 00:15:32,733 --> 00:15:34,666 about the Chinese government. 398 00:15:34,668 --> 00:15:36,401 I've got some pretty good Chinese jokes 399 00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:37,669 that aren't about the government. 400 00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:39,470 Don't worry, I'll only break 'em out if we need 'em. 401 00:15:40,741 --> 00:15:43,942 The C.I.A. told me you were funny. 402 00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:46,545 Hmm. What do you think he meant by "the C.I.A. 403 00:15:46,547 --> 00:15:47,612 told me you were funny"? 404 00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,148 Who knows? That guy's a weirdo! 405 00:15:49,150 --> 00:15:52,417 All you have to do now is relax and read the cue cards. 406 00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:55,486 Remember, "S&L" has the funniest writers in the world. 407 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,088 They do now that I'm here. 408 00:15:57,090 --> 00:16:00,425 That's why I rewrote all the cue cards with my own punchlines. 409 00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:03,228 What?! What pen did you use? 410 00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:05,164 And what end did you hold? 411 00:16:07,701 --> 00:16:09,568 Don't want to live a little, huh? 412 00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:11,537 Well, this is the other way to go. 413 00:16:17,578 --> 00:16:19,178 Damn, what's in this shit? 414 00:16:19,180 --> 00:16:21,780 Rum & cokes! Get your rum & cokes! 415 00:16:21,782 --> 00:16:22,981 I can't drink rum. 416 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:24,249 Yours doesn't have rum in it. 417 00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:26,385 - Which one's mine? - Any one without the "X." 418 00:16:26,387 --> 00:16:28,520 So it's movie night and we're stayin' in. 419 00:16:28,522 --> 00:16:30,121 Love it. 420 00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:34,325 Tonight's entertainment is 2017's "The Beguiled," 421 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,595 about an injured Union soldier in the south 422 00:16:36,597 --> 00:16:38,397 that comes upon a school full of women. 423 00:16:38,399 --> 00:16:40,399 Fair warning... whenever I watch a movie, 424 00:16:40,401 --> 00:16:43,602 I can't resist making hilarious little comments. 425 00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:49,474 Beguiled? More like buh... 426 00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:51,676 buh-bullshiiiiiit. 427 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,278 Heh heh heh. 428 00:16:55,816 --> 00:16:57,949 You can't start "Week in updates"! 429 00:16:57,951 --> 00:17:00,151 Oh, no, it started. 430 00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:03,055 And I totally would have stopped it for you. 431 00:17:04,825 --> 00:17:06,558 Hello. I'm Colin Jokes. 432 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,026 And I'm Stan Smith. 433 00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:09,895 And this is "Week in updates." 434 00:17:09,897 --> 00:17:12,031 Honey! Langley Stan! 435 00:17:12,033 --> 00:17:14,299 My buddy from college! He's done it! 436 00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:16,635 He's ascended the mountain! 437 00:17:16,637 --> 00:17:19,704 Oh, sorry. Didn't see you'd fallen asleep. 438 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:22,173 The city of Philadelphia had quite a mess 439 00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,374 on its hands this week 440 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,777 When 80 cows got loose on the freeway. 441 00:17:25,779 --> 00:17:29,047 When reached for comment, the mayor of Philadelphia said, 442 00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:30,249 "Millennials? 443 00:17:30,251 --> 00:17:34,119 Don't you wish they were all dead?" 444 00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:36,889 But then who would eat all the avacordo torst? 445 00:17:38,592 --> 00:17:41,059 Tough crowd. 446 00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:43,662 Oh, no, Turtle Man. 447 00:17:43,664 --> 00:17:45,864 Wait, look at Colin Jokes' hand. 448 00:17:45,866 --> 00:17:47,733 A bomb detonator! 449 00:17:47,735 --> 00:17:49,801 Colin Jokes isn't the target. 450 00:17:49,803 --> 00:17:51,136 He's the attacker! 451 00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:52,738 But Stan can't see! 452 00:17:52,740 --> 00:17:54,940 His spy instincts won't kick in! 453 00:17:54,942 --> 00:17:57,309 We've got to do something! 454 00:17:57,350 --> 00:17:58,357 _ 455 00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:03,949 - They love me. - Riiiight. 456 00:18:04,914 --> 00:18:05,984 Spy instincts! 457 00:18:06,687 --> 00:18:08,353 Aah! 458 00:18:24,438 --> 00:18:28,573 I've heard of a comedian bombing, but this is ridiculous. 459 00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:39,050 Wow, pretty good for a movie with no dinosaurs, 460 00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:40,719 don't ya think? 461 00:18:40,721 --> 00:18:43,789 Sleepy heads countin' sheep. Don't worry. 462 00:18:43,791 --> 00:18:46,858 Uncle Roger'll clean up all the cups and poison. 463 00:18:47,398 --> 00:18:49,194 The poison! To the hospital! 464 00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:58,737 Did they find the real Colin Jokes? 465 00:18:58,739 --> 00:19:01,340 He was tied up in his dressing room. 466 00:19:01,342 --> 00:19:02,674 Turns out the Chinese were only 467 00:19:02,676 --> 00:19:05,544 after tonight's musical guest, Pitbull. 468 00:19:05,546 --> 00:19:08,079 I guess China's president is in a legal battle 469 00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:10,816 with him over the title of Mr. Worldwide. 470 00:19:10,818 --> 00:19:13,218 I should really get on the horn with Beijing, 471 00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:15,554 see if I can smooth things over. 472 00:19:15,556 --> 00:19:19,424 Stan, I want to thank you again for saving the show. 473 00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:22,493 You got it. Anything for the almighty laugh. 474 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:23,895 And you know what the weird part is? 475 00:19:23,897 --> 00:19:25,564 It felt just like being on a mission. 476 00:19:25,566 --> 00:19:27,432 I'm normally a C.I.A. agent. 477 00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,901 Haha! That's funny. 478 00:19:29,903 --> 00:19:31,970 You're funny. 479 00:19:31,972 --> 00:19:33,705 You hear that, Francine? 480 00:19:33,707 --> 00:19:35,774 Lorne Mykies said I was funny. 481 00:19:35,776 --> 00:19:38,309 How's the view from the top of the mountain? 482 00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:39,578 Majestic. 483 00:19:39,580 --> 00:19:41,380 But you know, the most fun I had 484 00:19:41,382 --> 00:19:43,248 out there was disarming that bomb 485 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,116 and beating that man to a pulp. 486 00:19:45,118 --> 00:19:48,119 Maybe it's time to go back home and work at the C.I.A. again. 487 00:19:48,121 --> 00:19:50,455 That sounds wonderful, Stan. 488 00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:51,790 Now let's get home. 489 00:19:51,792 --> 00:19:54,693 Feels like I haven't seen Toshi and the gang in forever. 490 00:19:58,732 --> 00:20:00,532 Wh-what happened? 491 00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:02,133 Why are we in the hospital? 492 00:20:02,135 --> 00:20:03,402 No one knows. 493 00:20:03,404 --> 00:20:05,070 Doctors aren't ruling out poison, though. 494 00:20:05,072 --> 00:20:07,406 And the tests all say that's definitely what it was. 495 00:20:07,408 --> 00:20:09,008 Which is probably why... 496 00:20:09,010 --> 00:20:12,911 the boys in blue have been contacted. 497 00:20:13,747 --> 00:20:15,146 So I gotta mosey. 498 00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:16,215 The important thing? 499 00:20:16,217 --> 00:20:17,816 Remember to live a little, right? 500 00:20:17,818 --> 00:20:19,785 Can't thumb your nose at life. 501 00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:25,156 Rope was too long! 502 00:20:25,158 --> 00:20:27,226 And not tied to anything?! 503 00:20:27,228 --> 00:20:29,061 Bye! Have a beautiful time! 504 00:20:30,972 --> 00:20:32,798 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 35831

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