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1
00:00:04,833 --> 00:00:07,501
Ma'am, American University
is a fine institution.
2
00:00:07,503 --> 00:00:11,604
American University sounds like
a made-up college in Egypt.
3
00:00:11,606 --> 00:00:13,573
Okay? I don't want my library there.
4
00:00:13,575 --> 00:00:15,575
Well, technically, it
wouldn't even be a library.
5
00:00:15,577 --> 00:00:17,844
- What?
- It won't be a library, ma'am.
6
00:00:17,846 --> 00:00:19,946
No, I heard her. You
understand that, Amy,
7
00:00:19,948 --> 00:00:22,348
that even Richard has
trouble understanding you?
8
00:00:22,350 --> 00:00:24,684
You would be donating all
of your papers, gifts,
9
00:00:24,686 --> 00:00:26,686
and ephemera to them, to their library.
10
00:00:26,688 --> 00:00:28,521
Well, of course the dresses. I think...
11
00:00:28,523 --> 00:00:29,722
No, they don't want the dresses!
12
00:00:29,724 --> 00:00:33,259
You know that every president since FDR
13
00:00:33,261 --> 00:00:34,928
has had a goddamn library, okay?
14
00:00:34,930 --> 00:00:38,597
Even that sanctimonious
fraud Carter had a library.
15
00:00:38,599 --> 00:00:41,667
American University, it's
like American Univer-shit.
16
00:00:41,669 --> 00:00:44,336
Hey!
17
00:00:48,008 --> 00:00:49,408
Thank you. Thank you!
18
00:00:49,410 --> 00:00:52,278
I just wanna say that I
am so proud to be here
19
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:53,845
- as a part of...
- National Volunteer Week.
20
00:00:53,847 --> 00:00:55,814
National Volunteer Week.
21
00:00:55,816 --> 00:00:58,617
Yeah, really important.
22
00:00:58,619 --> 00:01:01,053
Okay, thanks.
23
00:01:01,055 --> 00:01:04,590
Super. Great!
24
00:01:04,592 --> 00:01:07,826
How about that? How about that?
25
00:01:07,828 --> 00:01:11,162
I also do wallpaper.
26
00:01:11,164 --> 00:01:14,031
Thank you guys so much.
It's been so much fun.
27
00:01:14,033 --> 00:01:15,733
I love this T-shirt, too.
28
00:01:15,735 --> 00:01:18,069
It's just so happy and wonderful!
29
00:01:18,071 --> 00:01:21,306
Bye-bye! Thank you! Thank you.
30
00:01:21,308 --> 00:01:22,940
Get this T-shirt off of me.
31
00:01:22,942 --> 00:01:25,477
I look like I'm trying out
for "The Price is Right."
32
00:01:25,479 --> 00:01:27,948
God Almighty, I wish I'd
been assassinated in office.
33
00:01:27,950 --> 00:01:29,046
No, don't say that!
34
00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:31,415
Although, with my luck, I'd
be then crippled for life,
35
00:01:31,417 --> 00:01:35,786
sitting in a wheelchair in my reading
room with my name on the thing.
36
00:01:35,788 --> 00:01:37,454
They haven't agreed to putting
your name on anything, ma'am.
37
00:01:37,456 --> 00:01:38,956
- What?
- They said they haven't agreed
38
00:01:38,958 --> 00:01:40,658
to putting your name on anything, ma'am.
39
00:01:40,660 --> 00:01:43,760
- sync and corrections by Mr. C -
- www.addic7ed.com -
40
00:01:43,762 --> 00:01:47,498
That food was just disgusting.
Why did we even go there?
41
00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:48,632
Do you want me to get you anything else?
42
00:01:48,634 --> 00:01:49,966
You didn't eat anything.
43
00:01:49,968 --> 00:01:53,103
Oh, God, I hate every food ever,
44
00:01:53,105 --> 00:01:54,538
from everywhere.
45
00:01:54,540 --> 00:01:56,106
- Have you tried ice cream?
- Ugh.
46
00:01:56,108 --> 00:01:58,708
You know what, I was gonna
wait until afternoon tea,
47
00:01:58,710 --> 00:02:01,210
but I have got a fun surprise for ya.
48
00:02:01,212 --> 00:02:05,615
They have unveiled your wax
figure at Madame Tussauds!
49
00:02:05,617 --> 00:02:08,718
- Oh, is that the fun part?
- Check that out.
50
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:11,755
What?! They have me next to Gerald Ford?
51
00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:14,090
Is this the Hall of Half-Term Wonders?
52
00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:15,591
I thought that was Craig T. Nelson.
53
00:02:15,593 --> 00:02:18,628
God, can nothing go right for me, ever?!
54
00:02:18,630 --> 00:02:20,596
What can I do? What can I do?
I will fix it.
55
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:22,965
Why do they even
have a wax figure of Ford?
56
00:02:22,967 --> 00:02:25,268
- I don't know.
- The real one was made of wood.
57
00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:29,138
Get them to move me next
to... to Lincoln or to Mao
58
00:02:29,140 --> 00:02:31,940
- or some other game-changing icon!
- Aw, yes.
59
00:02:31,942 --> 00:02:33,706
That's what I am.
Don't make that noise!
60
00:02:34,311 --> 00:02:37,746
Just do it before I melt
down that whole collection
61
00:02:37,748 --> 00:02:39,247
and use it to wax
62
00:02:39,249 --> 00:02:44,153
Madame Tussauds' big, fat, nasty snatch!
63
00:02:44,155 --> 00:02:46,221
Oh, God, no.
64
00:02:46,223 --> 00:02:47,990
My pantyhose go up so high.
65
00:02:47,992 --> 00:02:49,857
Ma'am, it's normal
66
00:02:49,859 --> 00:02:53,961
to experience a temporary
depression after a heart attack.
67
00:02:53,963 --> 00:02:55,597
I went through it with my father.
68
00:02:55,599 --> 00:02:57,699
He was unbearable.
69
00:02:57,701 --> 00:03:00,368
Trust me, Amy, it was
not the heart attack
70
00:03:00,370 --> 00:03:02,070
that depressed your dad.
71
00:03:02,072 --> 00:03:03,905
And anyway, I'm not depressed.
72
00:03:03,907 --> 00:03:06,774
I just feel like I'm a thick, dark fog
73
00:03:06,776 --> 00:03:09,643
and everyone disappoints
me and nothing works out,
74
00:03:09,645 --> 00:03:11,179
and what's the point of anything anyway?
75
00:03:11,181 --> 00:03:12,714
And before you ask,
76
00:03:12,716 --> 00:03:15,016
it's not because I'm not sleeping, okay?
77
00:03:15,018 --> 00:03:17,151
'Cause I'm getting 14
hours of sleep a night.
78
00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:19,053
Hey, ma'am, if you ever
wanna talk to a therapist,
79
00:03:19,055 --> 00:03:20,487
I got a great gal.
80
00:03:20,489 --> 00:03:21,988
Wendy and I went to see her
when things were rocky.
81
00:03:21,990 --> 00:03:24,091
Both of them went to town on me.
It was brutal.
82
00:03:24,093 --> 00:03:26,594
I cried so hard, I threw up, but it
was the best thing I've ever done.
83
00:03:26,596 --> 00:03:28,995
Okay, look at me, Mike, all right?
84
00:03:28,997 --> 00:03:32,032
Not crazy, okay?
85
00:03:32,034 --> 00:03:33,767
- You know, Mom...
- What?
86
00:03:33,769 --> 00:03:35,636
therapists can help
with all kinds of problems
87
00:03:35,638 --> 00:03:37,304
that aren't necessarily mental illness.
88
00:03:37,306 --> 00:03:38,772
I mean, my woman is amazing.
89
00:03:38,774 --> 00:03:41,908
You're in therapy? Since when?
90
00:03:41,910 --> 00:03:43,810
Since I was 13.
91
00:03:43,812 --> 00:03:46,012
Well, what you really
needed was a dermatologist.
92
00:03:46,014 --> 00:03:47,881
Ma'am, have you done any more thinking
93
00:03:47,883 --> 00:03:50,751
about Catherine and me moving into
Mee-Maw's after the baby is born?
94
00:03:50,753 --> 00:03:52,753
Okay, Marjorie, that's, like, 14 things
95
00:03:52,755 --> 00:03:54,554
that I can't, you know...
96
00:03:54,556 --> 00:03:56,356
- So...
- You know, Dr. Diane thinks
97
00:03:56,358 --> 00:03:57,823
that it would be really
great if you could come in,
98
00:03:57,825 --> 00:03:59,759
that it could really
open up and facilitate
99
00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:01,494
good communication
between the two of us.
100
00:04:01,496 --> 00:04:04,230
Okay, well, Dr. Diane
is an asshole, okay?
101
00:04:04,232 --> 00:04:07,634
I'll tell you what else, I'm not gonna
carry that. I'm not carrying that either.
102
00:04:07,636 --> 00:04:10,069
Oh, Richard, can Catherine and
I speak with you for a moment?
103
00:04:10,071 --> 00:04:11,703
Well, you're the boss.
104
00:04:11,705 --> 00:04:15,007
Richard, are there any hereditary
issues that run in your family?
105
00:04:15,009 --> 00:04:17,676
Well, my father and I both
hate eating butterscotch,
106
00:04:17,678 --> 00:04:19,111
but love to say it.
107
00:04:19,113 --> 00:04:20,379
Butterscotch.
108
00:04:20,381 --> 00:04:21,413
Sorry, why do you ask?
109
00:04:24,318 --> 00:04:25,550
Thanks.
110
00:04:27,188 --> 00:04:30,322
Oh, fuck!
111
00:04:30,324 --> 00:04:32,557
"Wethinks Danny Boy Toy
doth protest too much.
112
00:04:32,559 --> 00:04:36,461
'Himbo' Egan Dan-ies affair
with NewsMILF, McCabe."
113
00:04:36,463 --> 00:04:39,130
All right, you know what? Fuck that.
114
00:04:39,132 --> 00:04:40,832
Hey, this isn't a library!
115
00:04:40,834 --> 00:04:42,801
Oh, no, it's a graveyard that sells gum.
116
00:04:42,803 --> 00:04:44,368
- Print is dead.
- You wanna buy some gum?
117
00:04:44,370 --> 00:04:46,271
No, I get all my gum on Amazon.
118
00:04:46,273 --> 00:04:49,007
But if the check is
for the Rare Bird Conservancy,
119
00:04:49,009 --> 00:04:51,943
then why does it have to go through
the Andrew H. Meyer Trust?
120
00:04:51,945 --> 00:04:53,778
That's a good catch, little Cat.
121
00:04:53,780 --> 00:04:54,979
Um, you know what?
122
00:04:54,981 --> 00:04:56,181
Just for tax purposes,
123
00:04:56,183 --> 00:04:58,082
why don't you make it out to cash?
124
00:04:58,084 --> 00:04:59,684
That's easy, hmm?
125
00:05:01,086 --> 00:05:02,886
I'll just leave it blank.
126
00:05:02,888 --> 00:05:04,322
It's not your drop-by day.
127
00:05:04,324 --> 00:05:05,556
I couldn't wait another moment
128
00:05:05,558 --> 00:05:07,257
to see my two favorite daughters.
129
00:05:07,259 --> 00:05:07,826
What?
130
00:05:07,828 --> 00:05:09,527
Where did little Madge
disappear to, anyway?
131
00:05:09,529 --> 00:05:12,330
You asked her to wait by your
street meter in case it ran out.
132
00:05:12,332 --> 00:05:14,498
Right. Darn.
133
00:05:15,036 --> 00:05:16,634
Morning, ma'am. Hey,
we really need to...
134
00:05:16,636 --> 00:05:18,468
I will wait in the living room.
135
00:05:18,470 --> 00:05:22,339
You're not giving any money to the
Music Man here, are you, sweetie?
136
00:05:22,341 --> 00:05:23,874
Have you no shame?
137
00:05:23,876 --> 00:05:25,508
- And, Mom.
- What?
138
00:05:25,510 --> 00:05:27,410
- Here is your monthly allowance.
- Okay.
139
00:05:27,412 --> 00:05:29,980
And what chores do you do around
the house to deserve that?
140
00:05:29,982 --> 00:05:31,381
I show assholes the door.
141
00:05:31,383 --> 00:05:33,350
Well, regardless,
142
00:05:33,352 --> 00:05:34,684
I bid you both adieu.
143
00:05:34,686 --> 00:05:36,619
- Flattering skirt.
- Shut up.
144
00:05:36,621 --> 00:05:38,087
Hey, Mike, sorry. I gotta get running.
145
00:05:38,089 --> 00:05:39,656
But your investment is doing well.
146
00:05:39,658 --> 00:05:41,324
I've never gotten a statement.
147
00:05:41,326 --> 00:05:44,193
Here's a statement... your
investment is doing quite well.
148
00:05:44,195 --> 00:05:48,130
- Can you believe the nerve of him?
- No, I can't.
149
00:05:48,132 --> 00:05:50,066
Ma'am, actually, I gotta talk to you.
150
00:05:50,068 --> 00:05:51,633
I got another call from the publisher.
151
00:05:51,635 --> 00:05:54,503
We need to buckle down and
start writing the book, okay?
152
00:05:54,505 --> 00:05:57,673
What if we started with when
Hughes selected you as his veep?
153
00:05:57,675 --> 00:05:59,141
I mean, the lies.
154
00:05:59,143 --> 00:06:01,543
The flagrant self-interest!
155
00:06:01,545 --> 00:06:02,845
Do you have any memory of that moment?
156
00:06:02,847 --> 00:06:04,881
Any details, any specifics?
157
00:06:04,883 --> 00:06:06,682
You know, during my
first win for Congress,
158
00:06:06,684 --> 00:06:09,217
he was cheating on me
during the entire campaign
159
00:06:09,219 --> 00:06:10,853
and said it was my fault.
160
00:06:10,855 --> 00:06:12,954
- I didn't know that. Okay.
- Yeah, absolutely he did.
161
00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:18,994
Andrew said that he was campaigning
long hours at the office for me.
162
00:06:18,996 --> 00:06:20,095
But what was he doing?
163
00:06:20,097 --> 00:06:22,898
He was fucking Louise Kellog for me,
164
00:06:22,900 --> 00:06:24,465
my goddamn press secretary.
165
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:26,167
'Cause that's what he does, see?
166
00:06:26,169 --> 00:06:28,069
- He makes you...
- Who was your opponent in that race?
167
00:06:28,071 --> 00:06:30,305
Uh, I don't know. Some old white guy.
They're all the same.
168
00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,374
And it was a really tight race.
169
00:06:32,376 --> 00:06:34,109
Everybody said I was gonna lose,
170
00:06:34,111 --> 00:06:35,977
and people were saying I was cold
171
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:37,712
and that I was unrelatable.
172
00:06:37,714 --> 00:06:39,347
Down, down.
173
00:06:39,349 --> 00:06:41,248
Whatever happened to Louise Kellog?
174
00:06:41,250 --> 00:06:44,451
Oh, God, I made Andrew
can her slutty can.
175
00:06:44,453 --> 00:06:48,222
And then we just hired the least
fuckable press secretary we could find.
176
00:06:48,224 --> 00:06:50,824
Huh, that's actually right when
I started working with you.
177
00:06:50,826 --> 00:06:52,726
Hey, get up.
178
00:06:52,728 --> 00:06:54,228
- What?
- Give me that fork.
179
00:06:54,230 --> 00:06:55,562
- What? What? What gives?
- Up, up.
180
00:06:55,564 --> 00:06:57,597
Fundraising laws... no silverware.
181
00:06:57,599 --> 00:06:59,333
Yeah, if you sit, it's a meal,
182
00:06:59,335 --> 00:07:01,401
which is a gift, which is a bribe,
183
00:07:01,403 --> 00:07:03,169
which is a line of prison inmates
184
00:07:03,171 --> 00:07:05,505
standing on each other's shoulders
trying to sodomize you.
185
00:07:05,507 --> 00:07:08,174
Well, my feet hurt and
I'm really hungry.
186
00:07:08,176 --> 00:07:10,911
Well, that's why we told you to eat
a big meal before you got here!
187
00:07:10,913 --> 00:07:13,547
Well, I wasn't hungry then! And
I need to go to the bathroom.
188
00:07:13,549 --> 00:07:14,382
You just went.
189
00:07:14,384 --> 00:07:16,882
Hey, here he is, the
Macher of the Moment.
190
00:07:16,884 --> 00:07:19,552
- Mr. Tanz.
- Jonah, I want you to meet my wife, Lia,
191
00:07:19,554 --> 00:07:20,886
and daughter, Shawnee.
192
00:07:20,888 --> 00:07:23,323
Yeah, what'd I tell ya? He's tall, huh?
193
00:07:23,325 --> 00:07:27,093
Hi, Mrs. Tanz. Ms.
Tanz, you are smoking.
194
00:07:27,095 --> 00:07:28,661
I'm the daughter. Gross.
195
00:07:28,663 --> 00:07:30,997
- We have a six-year-old.
- Oh, mazel tov.
196
00:07:30,999 --> 00:07:32,531
Listen, I have a thought...
I wanna make sure
197
00:07:32,533 --> 00:07:34,500
that when you talk about
Daylight Savings Time,
198
00:07:34,502 --> 00:07:36,368
you don't forget to talk about crime.
199
00:07:36,370 --> 00:07:38,203
It'll get dark earlier all year long,
200
00:07:38,205 --> 00:07:41,474
which means more burglaries and
murders and rape through the roof.
201
00:07:41,476 --> 00:07:42,284
Wait, isn't that bad?
202
00:07:42,286 --> 00:07:44,477
Wait, wait, you didn't let
me get to the best part.
203
00:07:44,479 --> 00:07:47,680
More crime means more
for-profit prisons.
204
00:07:47,682 --> 00:07:49,448
We're gonna lock 'em up
and we're gonna fry 'em.
205
00:07:49,450 --> 00:07:51,083
What are you, a monster?
206
00:07:51,085 --> 00:07:53,151
If you kill them, they
can't get arrested again.
207
00:07:53,153 --> 00:07:55,653
- That's how we make our money.
- Processing fees.
208
00:07:55,655 --> 00:07:57,589
Right, which you would know
209
00:07:57,591 --> 00:07:59,992
if you hadn't been losing a
battle of wits with a meatball.
210
00:07:59,994 --> 00:08:01,759
Great candidate, Dad.
211
00:08:01,761 --> 00:08:03,328
Impressive.
212
00:08:03,330 --> 00:08:04,929
I can see why you married the other one.
213
00:08:04,931 --> 00:08:07,031
- That's my Shawnee.
- Yeah.
214
00:08:07,033 --> 00:08:09,000
- Moe.
- You better go and fix this, okay?
215
00:08:09,002 --> 00:08:12,837
And go do it fast before Kent invites
her to a Sudoku weekend in Vermont.
216
00:08:12,839 --> 00:08:15,139
- I don't like that.
- Just go.
217
00:08:15,141 --> 00:08:18,142
Uh, excuse me, Shawnee.
218
00:08:18,144 --> 00:08:20,211
I don't know what your problem is,
219
00:08:20,213 --> 00:08:23,014
but I've been underestimated
my entire life.
220
00:08:23,016 --> 00:08:25,116
Failure to thrive at birth... fuck that.
221
00:08:25,118 --> 00:08:28,819
Puberty at 19. When it hit, it
hit like a fucking thunderbolt.
222
00:08:28,821 --> 00:08:30,888
Third grade reading level
in the tenth grade.
223
00:08:30,890 --> 00:08:33,524
Everything that I have been
through in my entire life
224
00:08:33,526 --> 00:08:35,893
has only made me stronger and taller.
225
00:08:35,895 --> 00:08:38,662
Get those fucking
meatballs away from me.
226
00:08:41,466 --> 00:08:43,199
Ma'am, can you
believe the sun is up?
227
00:08:43,201 --> 00:08:44,434
Oh, look at this.
228
00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:46,236
There's my horse, Chicklet.
229
00:08:46,238 --> 00:08:47,197
Aw.
230
00:08:47,199 --> 00:08:50,073
I begged Daddy to get
her for me, and he did.
231
00:08:50,075 --> 00:08:53,877
I remember he said, "Squirrel,
you're an intense little girl,
232
00:08:53,879 --> 00:08:57,680
and now you finally have a friend."
233
00:08:57,682 --> 00:09:01,184
- Aw, he called you "Squirrel."
- Mother up and sold her.
234
00:09:01,186 --> 00:09:04,120
She hated all animals that
she couldn't eat or wear.
235
00:09:04,122 --> 00:09:07,057
Anyway, eventually,
236
00:09:07,059 --> 00:09:10,760
Daddy changed that
stable into his office.
237
00:09:10,762 --> 00:09:12,662
So, how did he die?
238
00:09:12,664 --> 00:09:13,829
Heart attack.
239
00:09:13,831 --> 00:09:15,431
Like father, like daughter.
240
00:09:15,433 --> 00:09:17,967
Boy, I'll tell you, I
remember that night he died
241
00:09:17,969 --> 00:09:22,772
'cause his secretary came banging
on the door at, like, 2:00 AM.
242
00:09:22,774 --> 00:09:25,174
- Oof.
- We don't have to talk about this stuff
243
00:09:25,176 --> 00:09:27,342
- if you don't want to.
- No, it's okay.
244
00:09:27,344 --> 00:09:29,445
I like talking about it, even with you.
245
00:09:29,447 --> 00:09:33,148
Hmm, see? I'm not so bad once you
get to know me after 20 years.
246
00:09:33,150 --> 00:09:35,117
Yeah, exactly.
247
00:09:35,119 --> 00:09:37,252
In 10 years, we'll be
taking vacations together.
248
00:09:37,254 --> 00:09:39,054
Go on!
249
00:09:39,056 --> 00:09:41,723
- I'd go to Sandals.
- I hope the book's done by then.
250
00:09:41,725 --> 00:09:43,892
Well, the book better
be done in 10 years
251
00:09:43,894 --> 00:09:46,928
or I'll be broke as a...
252
00:09:46,930 --> 00:09:49,130
What's going on here?
253
00:09:49,132 --> 00:09:51,700
You guys having a party...
party by the fire?
254
00:09:51,702 --> 00:09:54,168
- Yes!
- Oh, can I join?
255
00:09:54,170 --> 00:09:55,604
- Sure!
- Oh.
256
00:09:55,606 --> 00:09:57,739
- We're so glad you're here.
- Aw.
257
00:09:57,741 --> 00:09:59,708
- I need breakfast.
- Okay.
258
00:09:59,710 --> 00:10:01,309
- Oh, can you help me up?
- Sure.
259
00:10:01,311 --> 00:10:03,411
Here, okay. I'll... I'll
get you from the back.
260
00:10:03,413 --> 00:10:05,012
- Get off of me!
- Right.
261
00:10:05,014 --> 00:10:06,414
So, what do you want
for breakfast, Mike?
262
00:10:06,416 --> 00:10:08,516
I usually have an
eight-egg white omelet.
263
00:10:08,518 --> 00:10:11,419
- And do you have sausage patties?
- What is this, Yonkers?
264
00:10:11,421 --> 00:10:13,354
- Just go and get sausage patties.
- Right, sure.
265
00:10:13,356 --> 00:10:15,789
- Do you wanna see my yearbook?
- Yeah!
266
00:10:15,791 --> 00:10:17,125
- Oh, yeah.
- High school years.
267
00:10:17,127 --> 00:10:19,093
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
268
00:10:19,095 --> 00:10:20,861
- Are you guys, like, besties now?
- I don't know.
269
00:10:20,863 --> 00:10:23,296
She hasn't yelled at
me in, like, 24 hours.
270
00:10:23,298 --> 00:10:24,832
- It's weird.
- It is weird.
271
00:10:24,834 --> 00:10:27,134
Hey, did you get me out
of the Gerry Ford ghetto?
272
00:10:27,136 --> 00:10:29,837
I did. You're bowing
next to President Lu.
273
00:10:29,839 --> 00:10:30,871
- Good.
- Can I see?
274
00:10:30,873 --> 00:10:32,405
Yeah, sure, sure.
275
00:10:32,407 --> 00:10:34,341
- Morning!- Morning.
276
00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:36,276
- Hey!
- You guys had a slumber party.
277
00:10:36,278 --> 00:10:38,512
Yeah! So, listen, we're
about to get breakfast
278
00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:40,780
- and Gary's gonna go...
- Look at this.
279
00:10:40,782 --> 00:10:42,857
and get something
called sausage patties.
280
00:10:42,858 --> 00:10:43,915
Oh, my God!
281
00:10:43,918 --> 00:10:44,789
Look at the guy. He's like...
282
00:10:44,791 --> 00:10:46,620
We still don't eat meat,
Mom, and we're on our way out.
283
00:10:46,622 --> 00:10:49,222
- In your pajamas?
- It's athleisure-wear, ma'am.
284
00:10:49,224 --> 00:10:51,658
- Okay, that's not a word, Marjorie.
- That's disgusting!
285
00:10:51,660 --> 00:10:53,026
- Close it.
- All right, well,
286
00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:54,994
I don't even know why
I try with those two.
287
00:10:54,996 --> 00:10:56,663
- Honestly.
- Hey, ma'am,
288
00:10:56,665 --> 00:10:58,698
before we get back to work,
would you mind writing
289
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,833
a letter of recommendation
to the Harper Day School?
290
00:11:00,835 --> 00:11:03,636
We're just trying to get Ellen in
there, and it'd be really good.
291
00:11:03,638 --> 00:11:05,304
- Wait, who?
- My oldest daughter.
292
00:11:05,306 --> 00:11:07,540
- Oh, that Chinese one?
- Sure.
293
00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:08,907
You write it, I'll sign it.
294
00:11:08,909 --> 00:11:10,276
- Really?
- Sure!
295
00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:11,677
Thank you so much, ma'am. Thank you.
296
00:11:11,679 --> 00:11:14,146
- Look at this.
- Oh, my gosh.
297
00:11:14,148 --> 00:11:15,904
Did you ever go through
an awkward phase?
298
00:11:15,906 --> 00:11:16,782
No!
299
00:11:16,784 --> 00:11:19,318
Wow, I can't believe
I'm gonna be a father!
300
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:20,360
A lot of responsibility.
301
00:11:20,362 --> 00:11:22,354
You just signed away
all responsibility.
302
00:11:22,356 --> 00:11:24,422
I've never done this before.
303
00:11:24,424 --> 00:11:25,891
You just go in the room and...
304
00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:29,661
Uh, I've never shook the devil's hand.
305
00:11:29,663 --> 00:11:32,064
- Oh!
- You mean masturbate?
306
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:33,765
Oh, self-husband.
307
00:11:33,767 --> 00:11:35,867
- Does it hurt?
- Oh, no, Richard.
308
00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:37,803
- It doesn't hurt. Wait, really?
- No, but how is that possible?
309
00:11:37,805 --> 00:11:39,571
Well, my family in Iowa
was pretty religious.
310
00:11:39,573 --> 00:11:41,573
Grandma Splett always said
that self-pleasure was a sin
311
00:11:41,575 --> 00:11:43,308
like microwaves or laughter.
312
00:11:43,310 --> 00:11:45,076
Do you need a minute or...?
313
00:11:45,078 --> 00:11:47,245
No. Worse comes to worst, I'll
burn in hell like Grandma Splett.
314
00:11:47,247 --> 00:11:49,250
You know what? He has
a really good heart.
315
00:11:50,183 --> 00:11:52,917
I'm sorry, I'm still understanding
how the cup comes into play.
316
00:11:52,919 --> 00:11:56,254
Oh, you... you just have to aim
317
00:11:56,256 --> 00:11:57,554
and... and what...
318
00:11:57,556 --> 00:11:58,889
How many of these do I need to fill up?
319
00:11:58,891 --> 00:12:00,524
Yeah, no, you just have to do one.
320
00:12:00,526 --> 00:12:02,126
Just one? Okay. I think
that'll be easier.
321
00:12:02,128 --> 00:12:03,828
How will I know when I'm done?
322
00:12:03,830 --> 00:12:05,763
You know, I'll figure it out.
I'll probably figure it out.
323
00:12:08,768 --> 00:12:10,901
Jonah.
324
00:12:10,903 --> 00:12:13,070
- Hi.
- Hey. Hi.
325
00:12:13,072 --> 00:12:16,340
So, that really happened, huh?
326
00:12:16,342 --> 00:12:17,907
Why didn't you take me
back to your place?
327
00:12:17,909 --> 00:12:19,042
Do you live with your mom?
328
00:12:19,044 --> 00:12:20,910
No. Pfft, no. She wishes.
329
00:12:20,912 --> 00:12:23,179
I live in my office.
DC rents are insane,
330
00:12:23,181 --> 00:12:25,415
and Ben and Kent say I
can't use campaign money.
331
00:12:25,417 --> 00:12:28,084
- Can I use campaign money?
- No, you can't use campaign money.
332
00:12:28,086 --> 00:12:29,386
Okay. Second opinion.
333
00:12:29,388 --> 00:12:31,621
I chose your outfit for the day,
334
00:12:31,623 --> 00:12:33,489
but I'm donating the rest of your suits
335
00:12:33,491 --> 00:12:35,925
to a charity for rescued
circus giraffes.
336
00:12:35,927 --> 00:12:37,961
I'm pretty sure I can take
care of dressing myself.
337
00:12:37,963 --> 00:12:40,596
- Can you?
- Hey, um, do you have time to...
338
00:12:40,598 --> 00:12:41,898
- No.
- Okay.
339
00:12:41,900 --> 00:12:43,199
It's just you look
really good in my robe,
340
00:12:43,201 --> 00:12:44,567
and I thought if you had some time,
341
00:12:44,569 --> 00:12:46,236
maybe I could finger you or something?
342
00:12:47,405 --> 00:12:49,171
No, I have to get going.
343
00:12:49,173 --> 00:12:51,741
- Okay.
- We'll fuck again tonight at 7:30
344
00:12:51,743 --> 00:12:52,975
with less kissing.
345
00:12:52,977 --> 00:12:54,644
Okay. Yeah, no, 7:30 works.
346
00:12:54,646 --> 00:12:56,412
- I'm taking a Pop-Tart.
- Can I ask you a question?
347
00:12:56,414 --> 00:12:58,514
- What?
- Just... this is the first time
348
00:12:58,516 --> 00:13:01,984
that that's happened since the
treatment, since the cancer,
349
00:13:01,986 --> 00:13:03,585
- and I...
- Oh, my God, get to it. What?
350
00:13:03,587 --> 00:13:05,087
Did my missing ball freak you out?
351
00:13:05,089 --> 00:13:07,589
Honestly, it was one less
thing to worry about.
352
00:13:07,591 --> 00:13:09,258
Okay. Thanks, Mrs. Tanz.
353
00:13:09,260 --> 00:13:11,359
- What?
- Ms. Tanz.
354
00:13:17,701 --> 00:13:20,302
Hey, Richard. Five-minute feud truce.
355
00:13:20,304 --> 00:13:23,538
The most amazing thing
just happened to me twice!
356
00:13:23,540 --> 00:13:25,573
Really? Something amazing
just happened to me, too!
357
00:13:25,575 --> 00:13:27,175
- Amy?- What do you want?
358
00:13:27,177 --> 00:13:29,477
Okay, I had the president's wax figure
359
00:13:29,479 --> 00:13:32,547
relocated next to President Lu.
360
00:13:32,549 --> 00:13:33,782
And what's wrong?
361
00:13:33,784 --> 00:13:36,383
They have her bowing.
362
00:13:36,385 --> 00:13:38,252
Like this.
363
00:13:38,254 --> 00:13:39,653
I know what bowing is.
364
00:13:39,655 --> 00:13:41,289
People are...
365
00:13:43,126 --> 00:13:44,792
What? What?
366
00:13:45,995 --> 00:13:47,895
You know, like, taking advantage of her.
367
00:13:47,897 --> 00:13:49,230
They're fucking her in the ass?
368
00:13:49,232 --> 00:13:50,764
I have to see this.
369
00:13:58,741 --> 00:14:01,475
This girl is, like, 11 years old.
Where are her parents?
370
00:14:02,978 --> 00:14:05,312
Ugh. Obviously, you need me to fix this?
371
00:14:05,314 --> 00:14:07,047
I tried, but it's just...
372
00:14:07,049 --> 00:14:08,882
You're as useless as a
dick at a roller derby.
373
00:14:08,884 --> 00:14:10,750
And then there was this one time
374
00:14:10,752 --> 00:14:12,083
that Daddy got back
from a month in Cuba.
375
00:14:12,687 --> 00:14:15,621
- Cuba?
- Hey, green tea with a hint of rosemary.
376
00:14:15,623 --> 00:14:17,388
Okay, we're right in
the middle of working.
377
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,591
Gary, can I get a Sprite?
378
00:14:18,593 --> 00:14:19,926
Yeah, get him a Sprite.
379
00:14:19,928 --> 00:14:22,628
Anyway, so Daddy never
came home empty-handed.
380
00:14:22,630 --> 00:14:24,289
I have the most amazing
snow globe collection.
381
00:14:25,067 --> 00:14:26,866
- No. Really?
- I haven't even shown you that yet.
382
00:14:26,868 --> 00:14:29,168
- Yeah, you're gonna die. Yeah.
- The board is ready for you.
383
00:14:29,170 --> 00:14:29,996
Oh, the... right.
384
00:14:29,997 --> 00:14:32,472
Oh, I bet you got a great
snow globe from Cuba.
385
00:14:32,474 --> 00:14:36,509
Oh, no. Actually, he brought
me back an ashtray from Cuba.
386
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:40,413
Good morning. Selina Meyer present.
387
00:14:40,415 --> 00:14:42,348
We will now vote on the next item.
388
00:14:42,350 --> 00:14:44,516
I'm on the board of Biogenzidine.
389
00:14:44,518 --> 00:14:47,119
- What are you voting on?
- These vultures wanna raise the price
390
00:14:47,121 --> 00:14:48,888
- of some new cancer drug.
- Ugh.
391
00:14:48,890 --> 00:14:50,256
Aye.
392
00:14:50,258 --> 00:14:51,357
Please re...
393
00:14:51,359 --> 00:14:53,092
So, your dad was away a lot.
394
00:14:53,094 --> 00:14:56,795
Yeah, and he was away with
his secretary when he died,
395
00:14:56,797 --> 00:14:58,773
so I didn't get a chance
to say good-bye to him.
396
00:14:58,774 --> 00:14:59,431
Mm-hmm.
397
00:14:59,433 --> 00:15:01,366
No, his secretary wasn't with him.
398
00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:03,968
She was the one pounding on the
door the night he died, remember?
399
00:15:03,970 --> 00:15:05,236
- No, I...
- Ma'am?
400
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,372
- Vote number two is up.
- Oh.
401
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,409
- What is it?
- Animal testing.
402
00:15:10,411 --> 00:15:11,943
Aye.
403
00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:13,578
Ma'am, a lot of this stuff
404
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,146
seems kind of weird, doesn't it?
405
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:17,248
Weird? What are you getting at?
406
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:21,386
Nothing. I'm... like, some of
these details about your dad
407
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:23,763
are a little irregular,
like the Cuba trips...
408
00:15:23,765 --> 00:15:24,555
No.
409
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:25,689
- What?
- all the cash.
410
00:15:25,691 --> 00:15:27,225
Hey, what is your game here?
411
00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:32,262
Because my daddy was a very
good family man, okay?
412
00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:35,198
He was charismatic, he was gregarious,
413
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,134
he was somewhat peculiar, yeah...
414
00:15:37,780 --> 00:15:39,703
but all interesting
people are, okay?!
415
00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:41,439
So, put that in your stupid book!
416
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:43,441
- Thank you.
- No, we're not gonna have any Sprite.
417
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:44,608
This isn't a movie theater.
418
00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:49,879
I wonder if it'd be worth
checking in on Uncle George.
419
00:15:49,881 --> 00:15:51,714
We're not gonna talk to Uncle George!
420
00:15:51,716 --> 00:15:55,385
He's a bald, old booze-bag
with a whiskey-stink mustache,
421
00:15:55,387 --> 00:15:57,254
- just like you!
- Ma'am?
422
00:15:57,256 --> 00:15:58,755
- Third vote.
- Nay.
423
00:15:58,757 --> 00:16:00,390
But it's for discounted
prescriptions for the elderly.
424
00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:02,092
Oh. Nay.
425
00:16:05,096 --> 00:16:07,797
I'll just sit here.
426
00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:10,567
I'm sorry I ruined the good vibe.
427
00:16:10,569 --> 00:16:12,435
I'm sorry I
ruined the good vibe.
428
00:16:12,437 --> 00:16:15,371
I've asked you before not to
do that impression, ma'am.
429
00:16:17,308 --> 00:16:20,142
I mean, do I fuck her? The
entire town thinks I am anyway.
430
00:16:20,144 --> 00:16:21,810
You're my mom's favorite couple.
431
00:16:21,812 --> 00:16:23,612
It would be uncharted territory for me.
432
00:16:23,614 --> 00:16:25,147
Sort of like Indiana Jones, I guess.
433
00:16:25,149 --> 00:16:26,983
Digging my way through
the ancient ruins,
434
00:16:26,985 --> 00:16:29,318
hacking my way past the crazy
cobwebs and snakes and shit,
435
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,253
hoping my face doesn't
melt when I open her up.
436
00:16:31,255 --> 00:16:34,723
I'm sure if I saw it, I would...
that would all make sense to me.
437
00:16:34,725 --> 00:16:36,692
- Amy.
- What are you doing here?
438
00:16:36,694 --> 00:16:39,628
- I said I would call you back.
- You also said you'd fix it, Amy.
439
00:16:39,630 --> 00:16:41,597
They put her on a bench talking to FDR.
440
00:16:41,599 --> 00:16:44,499
Zero anal access. How's
that for a new deal?
441
00:16:44,501 --> 00:16:45,633
You know what she's also doing?
442
00:16:45,635 --> 00:16:47,768
They have her gesturing like this.
443
00:16:47,770 --> 00:16:50,237
And people are resting their...
444
00:16:50,239 --> 00:16:51,706
Like, their balls?
445
00:16:51,708 --> 00:16:54,542
Not just the beans. Also, the franks.
446
00:16:54,544 --> 00:16:55,710
That's disgusting.
447
00:16:55,712 --> 00:16:57,077
They will be arrested.
448
00:16:57,079 --> 00:16:58,779
Will they? There's a lot there.
449
00:16:58,781 --> 00:17:01,681
There's a lot there. I got a
lot of pictures to show you.
450
00:17:01,683 --> 00:17:03,450
I don't see any arrests.
451
00:17:03,452 --> 00:17:05,819
- You see any arrests?
- Okay, okay, okay. Jesus.
452
00:17:05,821 --> 00:17:07,888
That is the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.
453
00:17:07,890 --> 00:17:09,256
You know, have sex with Jane McCabe,
454
00:17:09,258 --> 00:17:10,590
don't have sex with Jane McCabe,
455
00:17:10,592 --> 00:17:13,160
just do whatever it
takes to keep your job,
456
00:17:13,162 --> 00:17:14,961
because it is, in fact, a job.
457
00:17:14,963 --> 00:17:17,764
Or we could trade places,
and you could be in charge
458
00:17:17,766 --> 00:17:19,399
of a library that doesn't exist
459
00:17:19,401 --> 00:17:21,735
for a president who is
currently more famous
460
00:17:21,737 --> 00:17:24,604
for being a jizz sock for
Times Square tourists
461
00:17:24,606 --> 00:17:26,205
than for serving her country.
462
00:17:26,207 --> 00:17:28,341
Let's go, Gary.
463
00:17:28,343 --> 00:17:30,810
Jane McCabe? Wow!
464
00:17:30,812 --> 00:17:32,211
Respect.
465
00:17:33,915 --> 00:17:35,381
Did I tell you the story
466
00:17:35,383 --> 00:17:39,118
about how your father
made Ethel Merman cry?
467
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:40,986
Oh, it's true, it's true
468
00:17:40,988 --> 00:17:43,089
'cause he tried to pull her wig off.
469
00:17:43,091 --> 00:17:45,091
He didn't like her Broadway show.
470
00:17:45,093 --> 00:17:47,593
So, I just wanna clarify
some of the details
471
00:17:47,595 --> 00:17:50,429
about the night that
Daddy actually died.
472
00:17:50,431 --> 00:17:53,032
Did Mother have to get the
body flown back here?
473
00:17:53,034 --> 00:17:55,601
What? No. Of course not.
474
00:17:55,603 --> 00:17:58,771
Oh, so, then how... how
did his body get back?
475
00:17:58,773 --> 00:18:01,239
From where? He died in the barn.
476
00:18:01,241 --> 00:18:02,942
No, he was away on business.
477
00:18:02,944 --> 00:18:05,744
No, that's just what we told her
when she was a little girl.
478
00:18:05,746 --> 00:18:07,512
- But you knew that, right?
- Mm-hmm.
479
00:18:07,514 --> 00:18:09,781
Her mother and I didn't
want her to see the body
480
00:18:09,783 --> 00:18:11,149
and poor Barbara.
481
00:18:11,151 --> 00:18:13,618
Barbara Valeski, Daddy's secretary?
482
00:18:13,620 --> 00:18:15,653
Died right on top of her.
483
00:18:15,655 --> 00:18:17,589
What a way to go.
484
00:18:17,591 --> 00:18:19,824
She was built, my God.
485
00:18:19,826 --> 00:18:21,626
Wait, uh, what?
486
00:18:21,628 --> 00:18:23,761
Yeah, she had to go to the
loony bin after that.
487
00:18:23,763 --> 00:18:27,331
Your mother paid for it. She always
referred to it as "the spa."
488
00:18:27,333 --> 00:18:28,933
- What?
- But it wasn't just Barbara,
489
00:18:28,935 --> 00:18:31,168
which is why your mom
converted the barn,
490
00:18:31,170 --> 00:18:34,205
so he wouldn't embarrass
her in seedy motels.
491
00:18:34,207 --> 00:18:37,875
See? That's why Mother sold my horse.
492
00:18:37,877 --> 00:18:39,210
- Okay.
- Write that down.
493
00:18:39,212 --> 00:18:40,511
What? No, no, no, no.
494
00:18:40,513 --> 00:18:43,914
Your dad sold it to get
the IRS off of his back.
495
00:18:43,916 --> 00:18:47,651
- You knew that, right?
- Dad... Daddy sold Chicklet?
496
00:18:47,653 --> 00:18:49,686
Your mother wasn't gonna
bail him out anymore.
497
00:18:49,688 --> 00:18:52,723
You know, she had a great
head for business.
498
00:18:52,725 --> 00:18:54,992
Damn fine lady. Mm.
499
00:18:54,994 --> 00:18:57,260
That's why you didn't get a snow globe.
No business trip.
500
00:18:57,262 --> 00:19:00,631
Oh, I haven't thought of those
snow globes in a million years.
501
00:19:00,633 --> 00:19:02,733
Yeah, we just were
unpacking all of them.
502
00:19:02,735 --> 00:19:04,701
Barbara loved buying you those.
503
00:19:04,703 --> 00:19:06,803
You know, she had no
children of her own,
504
00:19:06,805 --> 00:19:10,273
you know, because your dad was
always taking her to the doctor.
505
00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:14,310
- What a character.
- I gotta... I'm gonna get out of here.
506
00:19:14,312 --> 00:19:15,878
I'm gonna borrow that.
507
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:17,480
Anytime, Madam President.
508
00:19:17,482 --> 00:19:19,715
Uncle George sounded pretty
sweet on Mee-Maw, huh?
509
00:19:19,717 --> 00:19:21,083
- What?
- Never mind.
510
00:19:23,844 --> 00:19:26,256
It's fun to drive again,
especially drunk.
511
00:19:26,258 --> 00:19:29,458
You know that my daddy taught me
to drive in this car right here?
512
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:31,761
- Really?
- And once, I hit a deer,
513
00:19:31,763 --> 00:19:34,830
- and Daddy took the blame for it.
- Mmm.
514
00:19:34,832 --> 00:19:37,499
Careful, the ground isn't straight here.
515
00:19:40,538 --> 00:19:42,138
Oh, my God.
516
00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:44,339
Yeah, this is it.
517
00:19:44,341 --> 00:19:46,341
This was Chicklet's old house.
518
00:19:46,343 --> 00:19:48,743
- Wow! See this desk?
- Mm-hmm.
519
00:19:48,745 --> 00:19:52,747
After Daddy died, I would crawl
right underneath here and hide.
520
00:19:52,749 --> 00:19:53,675
Wow.
521
00:19:53,676 --> 00:19:56,451
You know, 'cause I was
so petite and pretty.
522
00:19:56,453 --> 00:19:58,487
- Uh-huh, yeah.
- And lookit here.
523
00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:01,390
I'd take this picture of me and Daddy.
524
00:20:01,392 --> 00:20:03,424
I would just stare at it.
525
00:20:03,426 --> 00:20:04,492
See?
526
00:20:07,230 --> 00:20:10,131
He was a cheater and a liar!
527
00:20:10,133 --> 00:20:13,134
He was a horse thief!
528
00:20:13,136 --> 00:20:16,705
I was stupid little Daddy's girl!
529
00:20:16,707 --> 00:20:18,406
You gotta do this, Mike. Come on.
530
00:20:18,408 --> 00:20:20,675
- Okay.
- God damn him!
531
00:20:20,677 --> 00:20:24,345
- Uh, bad desk!
- No, come on!
532
00:20:24,347 --> 00:20:27,248
You gotta be mad about something!
533
00:20:27,250 --> 00:20:30,150
Pay me! Pay me, bitch!
534
00:20:30,152 --> 00:20:32,687
Yeah, you pay him, you bitch!
535
00:20:32,689 --> 00:20:34,322
Pay me, bitch!
536
00:20:34,324 --> 00:20:35,756
Wait, stop!
537
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:39,593
This is a pencil holder
538
00:20:39,595 --> 00:20:41,929
that I made for my daddy
when I was at camp.
539
00:20:41,931 --> 00:20:43,530
Okay, okay.
540
00:20:43,532 --> 00:20:45,398
- Oh, yeah!
- This feels good.
541
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,501
- Why do shoes cost so much money?!
- He wasn't so perfect!
542
00:20:48,503 --> 00:20:50,503
He loved them and he was fucking them!
543
00:20:50,505 --> 00:20:53,172
- I wish I had peed first.
- Come on!
544
00:20:53,174 --> 00:20:56,175
- Why do I always wait so long to pee?
- Oh, my God.
545
00:20:56,177 --> 00:20:58,712
I'm a grown man!
546
00:20:58,714 --> 00:21:00,780
I shouldn't eat when I'm full!
547
00:21:08,322 --> 00:21:10,422
Ma'am! Ma'am!
548
00:21:10,424 --> 00:21:12,258
Move!
549
00:21:18,032 --> 00:21:18,965
Ma'am.
550
00:21:20,001 --> 00:21:21,700
Ma'am.
551
00:21:23,337 --> 00:21:25,070
Oh, God!
552
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,206
- Are you all right?
- Sure.
553
00:21:28,208 --> 00:21:30,208
Easy. Oh.
554
00:21:30,210 --> 00:21:32,077
We did a number on this place.
555
00:21:32,079 --> 00:21:34,246
Jesus Christ.
556
00:21:34,248 --> 00:21:37,215
My mom was right and I ignored her,
557
00:21:37,217 --> 00:21:39,851
and I married my fucking father.
558
00:21:39,853 --> 00:21:42,487
We should call the fire department.
I smell smoke.
559
00:21:42,489 --> 00:21:44,222
This is the book.
560
00:21:44,224 --> 00:21:47,525
This is the story of the gifted girl
561
00:21:47,527 --> 00:21:51,329
who triumphed over her
parents' toxic marriage
562
00:21:51,331 --> 00:21:53,498
to become an American icon!
563
00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:57,535
Don't you see? I had no choice
but to go into politics
564
00:21:57,537 --> 00:22:00,171
and be extraordinary and a sex symbol.
565
00:22:00,173 --> 00:22:03,174
And you're gonna write it!
566
00:22:08,214 --> 00:22:11,182
Guys, it's fine.
567
00:22:11,184 --> 00:22:12,617
Mike crashed my car.
568
00:22:12,619 --> 00:22:14,785
He's completely wasted.
569
00:22:14,787 --> 00:22:17,387
I made this at camp.
570
00:22:17,389 --> 00:22:20,825
Look, I made it at camp.
571
00:22:22,761 --> 00:22:24,862
- Ma'am.
- Just leave him.
572
00:22:24,864 --> 00:22:27,264
And finally, an attempt
to break the record
573
00:22:27,266 --> 00:22:29,599
for cooking the world's
largest hamburger
574
00:22:29,601 --> 00:22:32,135
turned into an unhappy meal yesterday
575
00:22:32,137 --> 00:22:34,504
when the 45-foot-wide patty caught fire.
576
00:22:34,506 --> 00:22:35,457
Danny, Jane.
577
00:22:35,458 --> 00:22:38,308
That's Brie Ramachandran
with the world news.
578
00:22:38,310 --> 00:22:40,377
Boy, some scary moments there, I bet.
579
00:22:40,379 --> 00:22:41,978
- Frightening.
- Mm-hmm.
580
00:22:41,980 --> 00:22:44,481
Well, that's all the time we have.
581
00:22:44,483 --> 00:22:47,150
We'll see you in the tomorrow.
582
00:22:47,152 --> 00:22:48,952
- Bye, now.
- Bye.
583
00:22:48,954 --> 00:22:50,486
And we are clear.
584
00:22:50,488 --> 00:22:53,022
- Jane, perfect as always.
- Oh, please.
585
00:22:53,024 --> 00:22:54,958
Hey, so, Danny, before I
have a morning bagel,
586
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,060
I just wanna make sure you
don't wanna fuck that, too.
587
00:22:57,062 --> 00:22:58,213
Page six.
588
00:22:58,214 --> 00:23:01,664
"Jane McCabe's boy toy steps
out with beefy blonde."
589
00:23:01,666 --> 00:23:03,733
What the fuck?
590
00:23:03,735 --> 00:23:05,968
Yeah, I don't think Jane's gonna
like you out with a younger woman.
591
00:23:05,970 --> 00:23:07,770
That's Amy Brookheimer,
592
00:23:07,772 --> 00:23:09,572
and she's way older than Jane.
593
00:23:09,574 --> 00:23:13,208
Hey, Jane, just wanna make
sure you're not mad about this
594
00:23:13,210 --> 00:23:17,045
because we're not actually
fucking, and you know that, right?
595
00:23:17,047 --> 00:23:19,749
Yes, Danny, I know that
we're not actually fucking
596
00:23:19,751 --> 00:23:21,083
because you're not a billionaire
597
00:23:21,085 --> 00:23:22,484
and I don't wanna catch anything.
598
00:23:22,486 --> 00:23:24,452
Okay, well, then maybe
you can call the "Post"
599
00:23:24,454 --> 00:23:26,721
and tell them that these rumors
about us are complete bullshit
600
00:23:26,723 --> 00:23:29,024
'cause this is like Dewey
blows Truman here.
601
00:23:29,026 --> 00:23:31,860
Dan, if I stop being
fuckable, then I am Grandma,
602
00:23:31,862 --> 00:23:35,130
and if I'm Grandma, I will be replaced
603
00:23:35,132 --> 00:23:39,768
by two tits with a degree from
American University over there.
604
00:23:42,472 --> 00:23:43,571
It's you.
605
00:23:43,573 --> 00:23:45,273
You're the one telling people.
606
00:23:45,275 --> 00:23:47,341
Smart and handsome.
607
00:23:49,078 --> 00:23:50,712
All right, the treasury secretary
608
00:23:50,714 --> 00:23:52,246
is meeting with House leadership
609
00:23:52,248 --> 00:23:54,015
about a hard date for the debt ceiling.
610
00:23:54,017 --> 00:23:56,150
Why do we always have
to raise the ceiling?
611
00:23:56,152 --> 00:23:58,852
So you don't scrape your head,
you giant barbecue fork.
612
00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:01,355
You need to get rid of your glasses.
They make you look smart.
613
00:24:01,357 --> 00:24:02,489
- Okay.
- Voters hate that.
614
00:24:02,491 --> 00:24:04,025
Okay, next vote.
615
00:24:04,027 --> 00:24:07,194
HR 2029, it's good,
old-fashioned pork barrel.
616
00:24:07,196 --> 00:24:09,596
Excuse me, don't say pork.
Shawnee's Jewish.
617
00:24:09,598 --> 00:24:12,332
Okay, just refer to
your color-coded chart.
618
00:24:12,334 --> 00:24:14,067
I've become close with
a woman at Kinko's
619
00:24:14,069 --> 00:24:16,202
who makes educational
materials for preschoolers.
620
00:24:16,204 --> 00:24:19,406
Come on, if the other congressmen
see me with a cheat sheet,
621
00:24:19,408 --> 00:24:20,808
they're gonna think I'm a fucking idiot.
622
00:24:20,810 --> 00:24:22,609
You can't unring that bell.
623
00:24:22,611 --> 00:24:24,511
Why can't we just write it
on my hand like we used to?
624
00:24:24,513 --> 00:24:27,113
That worked and I felt
good about myself.
625
00:24:27,115 --> 00:24:29,749
- Take your tie off.
- What? Like, right now?
626
00:24:29,751 --> 00:24:32,552
Okay, guys, will you just give
us eight to 10 minutes or so?
627
00:24:32,554 --> 00:24:34,554
No, you're switching to bow ties.
628
00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:36,256
No, I'm gonna look like
that old popcorn homo.
629
00:24:36,258 --> 00:24:39,159
You'll look like a school teacher
or a small-town grocer...
630
00:24:39,161 --> 00:24:41,627
good, solid New England professions.
631
00:24:41,629 --> 00:24:43,596
Yeah, or like a nation of Islam badass.
632
00:24:43,598 --> 00:24:47,099
Small-town grocers do poll
exceptionally well for probity.
633
00:24:47,101 --> 00:24:49,134
How do small-town child molesters poll?
634
00:24:49,136 --> 00:24:52,338
Oh, and you're voting against HR 2029.
635
00:24:52,340 --> 00:24:53,673
Wait, wait, Jesus, lady,
636
00:24:53,675 --> 00:24:56,375
we're talking about 300
jobs here at least.
637
00:24:56,377 --> 00:24:59,778
Jobs for wetlands duck-fuckers who
are never gonna vote for Jonah.
638
00:24:59,780 --> 00:25:01,813
Being against waste will play statewide,
639
00:25:01,815 --> 00:25:04,016
and even nationally.
640
00:25:04,018 --> 00:25:07,119
- Okay, vote no.
- Vote yes.
641
00:25:07,121 --> 00:25:09,721
If I vote no, can I turn
your drylands into wetlands?
642
00:25:09,723 --> 00:25:11,890
- Ugh, fine.
- Okay, thanks, babe.
643
00:25:11,892 --> 00:25:13,925
- Stop it. Clean this shit up.
- Okay.
644
00:25:13,927 --> 00:25:15,794
Kent, would you mind just
cleaning this shit up?
645
00:25:15,796 --> 00:25:17,963
Just straighten it up a
little bit for me? Thank you.
646
00:25:17,965 --> 00:25:22,367
Well, the female form is
a formidable adversary.
647
00:25:22,369 --> 00:25:25,470
Well, ironically, I have bigger tits.
648
00:25:25,472 --> 00:25:28,306
Ma'am, that's the letter of
recommendation for the Harper Day School.
649
00:25:28,308 --> 00:25:29,774
Yes, indeed, okay.
650
00:25:29,776 --> 00:25:31,743
- Ma'am, do you have a second?
- Sure.
651
00:25:31,745 --> 00:25:33,978
Catherine, Richard, and I have
something important to tell you.
652
00:25:33,980 --> 00:25:34,555
Okay.
653
00:25:34,557 --> 00:25:36,280
I think you're
gonna be really surprised.
654
00:25:36,282 --> 00:25:38,383
- Mom, what happened to your forehead?
- Oh, it's nothing.
655
00:25:38,385 --> 00:25:40,485
Mike and I were at Mee-Maw's last night
656
00:25:40,487 --> 00:25:42,820
and... oh, the stable got
wrecked, by the way.
657
00:25:42,822 --> 00:25:44,655
- What?
- How did the stable get wrecked?
658
00:25:44,657 --> 00:25:47,358
Anyway, you know how I have
been searching forever
659
00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:49,493
for the perfect place for my library,
660
00:25:49,495 --> 00:25:52,663
and all along, it's been
staring at me in my face!
661
00:25:52,665 --> 00:25:55,065
I'm gonna turn Mee-Maw's house
662
00:25:55,067 --> 00:25:59,302
into the Selina Meyer Presidential
Birthplace and Library.
663
00:25:59,304 --> 00:26:00,971
- Just like FDR.
- Yes!
664
00:26:00,973 --> 00:26:03,473
But wasn't Mee-Maw living in
Palm Beach when you were born?
665
00:26:03,475 --> 00:26:05,708
Catherine, I don't know! I was a baby.
666
00:26:05,710 --> 00:26:08,578
Okay, well, Marjorie and I were
planning on moving down there.
667
00:26:08,580 --> 00:26:10,247
I mean, we were gonna
have our family there.
668
00:26:10,249 --> 00:26:12,882
Well, Catherine, is there any
parade that you cannot rain on?
669
00:26:12,884 --> 00:26:14,851
Ma'am, I just got off with Sherman Tanz.
670
00:26:14,853 --> 00:26:15,603
Oh, and?
671
00:26:15,605 --> 00:26:17,854
He is all in for the
Birthplace and Library.
672
00:26:17,856 --> 00:26:21,925
- Ooh, I am so excited that he's excited.
- Yes.
673
00:26:21,927 --> 00:26:23,860
Well, he is asking one favor, though.
674
00:26:23,862 --> 00:26:25,127
Oh, of course he is.
675
00:26:25,129 --> 00:26:26,996
What does Rumpleforeskin want?
676
00:26:26,998 --> 00:26:28,598
Apparently, he is having trouble
677
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:30,600
getting his son into
the Harper Day School,
678
00:26:30,602 --> 00:26:34,103
so Mr. Tanz would love a
letter of recommendation
679
00:26:34,105 --> 00:26:35,880
from the former President
of the Untied States.
680
00:26:35,882 --> 00:26:36,472
Oh, my God.
681
00:26:36,474 --> 00:26:37,607
Is he joking?
682
00:26:37,609 --> 00:26:39,275
I mean, I can't write
683
00:26:39,277 --> 00:26:41,643
multiple letters of recommendation
684
00:26:41,645 --> 00:26:43,412
to some grammar school.
685
00:26:43,414 --> 00:26:44,946
Mike, give me the letter.
686
00:26:47,317 --> 00:26:50,351
- And... and what is his son's name?
- Prescott.
687
00:26:50,353 --> 00:26:53,421
Prescott. Who does he think
he's trying to kid? Okay.
688
00:26:53,423 --> 00:26:56,324
Anyway, use this letter that Mike wrote.
689
00:26:56,326 --> 00:26:58,493
It's beautifully written,
too, by the way.
690
00:26:58,495 --> 00:27:00,462
Mike, would you mind fixing this all up?
691
00:27:00,464 --> 00:27:02,129
No, no. It'll just take a moment.
692
00:27:02,131 --> 00:27:03,397
It's for the library, though.
You know that, right?
693
00:27:03,399 --> 00:27:04,699
Sure. You want me to take out
694
00:27:04,701 --> 00:27:06,834
that I worked for you
diligently for 20 years?
695
00:27:06,836 --> 00:27:09,403
Diligently? I... I'm not
sure I concur with that.
696
00:27:09,405 --> 00:27:11,105
- Look, are you okay with this?
- Yeah.
697
00:27:11,107 --> 00:27:13,307
She's gonna get into the school anyway.
698
00:27:13,309 --> 00:27:15,776
- She's Asian.
- Sure.
699
00:27:15,778 --> 00:27:17,892
He can't afford private
school to begin with.
700
00:27:17,894 --> 00:27:19,179
That's what I told him.
701
00:27:19,181 --> 00:27:22,216
It's like she doesn't
hear me or even see me.
702
00:27:22,218 --> 00:27:25,586
And anytime she does, all she
cares about is tearing me down,
703
00:27:25,588 --> 00:27:26,993
and it's like she's
trying to ruin everything.
704
00:27:26,995 --> 00:27:27,621
Okay, Catherine,
705
00:27:27,623 --> 00:27:29,456
I know I'm not supposed
to interrupt you,
706
00:27:29,458 --> 00:27:32,159
but do you realize these
are the same complaints
707
00:27:32,161 --> 00:27:33,594
you've had for 15 years?
708
00:27:33,596 --> 00:27:35,528
Yeah, but they're not exactly the same.
709
00:27:35,530 --> 00:27:36,963
I think that things have changed.
710
00:27:36,965 --> 00:27:40,266
Okay, Catherine, sit up.
You're slouching.
711
00:27:40,268 --> 00:27:42,568
And what is that on your sweater?
712
00:27:42,570 --> 00:27:46,606
It's just, like, a woman's
face with sunglasses on.
713
00:27:46,608 --> 00:27:49,876
Let's stop for today.
714
00:27:49,878 --> 00:27:51,944
What's happening
with my wax statue?
715
00:27:51,946 --> 00:27:55,248
Gary and I were able to have you placed
716
00:27:55,250 --> 00:27:57,316
on the replica of the Truman Balcony.
717
00:27:57,318 --> 00:27:59,051
- Oh!
- So, it's very, very high up.
718
00:27:59,053 --> 00:28:01,787
- And safe.
- And you are encased in glass
719
00:28:01,789 --> 00:28:03,322
from the front and the back...
720
00:28:03,324 --> 00:28:04,990
- It's very safe.
- um, all around.
721
00:28:04,992 --> 00:28:06,692
It's very striking and stately.
722
00:28:06,694 --> 00:28:08,794
So, people were trying to
have sex with my statue.
723
00:28:08,796 --> 00:28:10,929
- Yeah.
- Domestic terrorism.
724
00:28:10,931 --> 00:28:13,231
Still, it's better than
standing next to Gerald Ford.
725
00:28:13,233 --> 00:28:14,967
- Oh.
- That's the spirit.
726
00:28:14,969 --> 00:28:17,536
See, when people get near this,
727
00:28:17,538 --> 00:28:19,504
- they just wanna do it.
- Oh, yeah.
728
00:28:19,506 --> 00:28:21,606
Thank God you're not trying
to do me all the time.
729
00:28:21,608 --> 00:28:23,608
Right?
730
00:28:23,610 --> 00:28:25,710
- You all right?
- Dominoes.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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