Original subtitles

-

Hellooo.

Who wants to meet Armani?

Aww, he's cute.

Oh, you already had the baby.

This is your Aunt Darlene.

Don't you want to pet him?

- I can't. I'm allergic. - Oh, no, you're not allergic.

Mom just said that 'cause she didn't want a dog in the house.

I could've had a dog?

Yeah, you could've had seafood, too.

It's just expensive.

Damn it!

I love dogs!

So, a dog. Why?

Because today I'm going to Andrea's fancy fertility doctor,

and he's gonna give us a calendar

for my embryo transfer,

and then I'm gonna have a baby,

and then I'm gonna get $50,000,

and then I'm gonna get a house with a yard,

and since I'm getting a yard,

I can finally get a dog like I always dreamed of.

Oh, okay.

So you did the last part first.

Well, you've inspired me.

I'm gonna go dive into a swimming pool

and then fill it with water.

You are so damn negative!

It serves you right

that while I'm in my nice, new house

with my nice, new dog,

you'll be living here in this Mongolian cockfight

that's our childhood home.

Anyway, want to be my Lamaze coach?

Oh, yeah, Lamaze classes...

I'd go to those just for the movie they show you.

It's like "Carrie",

but after the bucket of blood, they hit her with a baby.

No, I am not giving any more money

to your organization.

And stop with those sad commercials.

I cannot enjoy my snacks!

Mom got caught eating candy

out of the bulk bins at the grocery store...

not a good time.

This is my new dog, Armani.

We were just leaving to go to Andrea's doctor.

What are you telling me for?

You know how I feel about this.

I'm a little nervous.

I was hoping you might wish me luck.

You're gonna need it.

Conner babies have huge heads.

You had an uncle who never even got out.

His legs just eventually grew long enough

to touch the ground.

Will you stop it?

You're not gonna scare me out of this.

Well, you're too damn bone-headed

to listen to reason.

What if this is the one baby you can have?

You've just not thinking this through.

I don't want a baby. I have a dog.

You know what?

I'm not coming over here again.

Can you believe that?

And she was the smart one.

You know what?

Even as an adult, I can't hear that enough.

"Roseanne" was taped in front of a live studio audience.

Okay, we're almost done

with the medical-history sections.

So, next question is...

Hep-C, Hep-B, HIV, STDs?

No, no, no, and...

...not anymore.

Uh, terminated pregnancies?

Zero.

Oh, come on!

Aunt Jackie!

I just know that you were "popular,"

like I was, so I assumed...

Okay.

Hey, ladies!

Sorry, I was at the hormone specialist.

He says I'm gonna have no problem

producing my own breast milk.

I have very porous nipples.

Lucky!

So, before we go in,

I have a small gift for you.

It's just a little "thank you"

for the gift that you're giving me.

Aww.

It's a bedazzled egg.

That's not just an egg.

That is really expensive.

That's a "Fuh-berj" egg.

It's... uh, it's Fabergé.

And what'd I say?

Thank you.

Becky Conner-Healy?

Here we go, team!

Here we go! Alright.

Let's get in there and put the "us" in "uterus".

I don't hear the pitter-patter of little feet.

Where are the loud, small things?

Oh, it's really funny.

One of the mothers

mentioned an indoor water park in passing

and so I shoved Mark into her van

as they were rolling away.

What about Harris?

I know where one of them is.

Why don't you give me a break?

Hey. Where are you going?

You know what? Just because I live here

does not mean you have the right

to ask what I'm doing or where I'm going.

I'll go wherever I want and do whatever I want.

Okay.

But seriously, where are you going?

Alright, fine.

I got a job interview at Build-A-Bear.

I-I guess it's between me and some high-school kid.

Fingers crossed.

Hey, Dan.

Did you know you can go on the Internet

and get anybody's address and also their phone number?

No, but I know if you're looking for work,

don't click on FantasyPositions.com.

There's people working, alright,

but it ain't a job site.

Whom are you stalking, my pet?

That Andrea person.

She's not getting a Conner baby.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go tell her that Becky is 43 years old.

And once Andrea finds out that she lied,

that'll shut the whole thing down.

No, you're not.

Look...

...neither of us wants this to happen,

but she's a grown woman and she's made it clear...

We don't have anything to give her,

so we shouldn't be standing in her way.

Oh, so what? Now you're on her side?

Did you see the look in her eyes

when she thought she had the money

for some kind of future?

We got no right to tell her she can't take $50,000.

I'm not gonna tell her.

That's why I'm going to see Andrea.

No, you're not!

You're gonna stop interfering with Becky,

and you're gonna do it now!

Okay.

What do you want for lunch?

Something that was prepared, cooked,

and sealed at another location.

I don't care, honey.

Something quick you can microwave.

I can do that.

Ding!

Okay.

Usually, the next step

is to start monitoring your cycle

to see when you need to take the hormone shots

so we can move toward fertilization...

I can't wait.

...but here's what I found...

Her eggs aren't acting their age.

Not acting their age in a good way, like...

like Cher?

The eggs are poor quality.

You may be 33,

but you have the eggs of a much older woman.

What does that mean?

I can still have a baby, right?

Even with interventions,

I'd say you have less than a 5% chance

of ever getting pregnant.

I know you've both been looking forward to this.

I'm sorry.

I'll give you all a minute.

Look, Becky, I really appreciate everything you've done.

It's just...

- I'm not getting any younger. - Sure.

Well, I guess there's really nothing else left to say.

Yeah.

I think we're just gonna sit here for a moment,

kind of take all this in.

Mm.

I understand. Please.

I guess we just walk away

with the things we brought into the relationship.

But there's also things we've given each other

that remain with us forever.

Okay, look, I feel terrible,

but I really have to have the egg back.

It's too soon. She'll send it to you.

No, here. It doesn't matter anyway.

Ahhhhhh.

Good luck with everything, Becky.

Yeah, yeah, you too.

Oh, Becky.

I am so sorry.

You alright?

I don't know.

I think I need a minute.

Yes. Take all the time you need.

Okay, um, you're gonna be mad at me.

I took Becky to the fertility doctor today.

But it's okay. She's not going through with it anymore.

Really?

Thank God. How'd you talk her out of it?

I didn't. The doctor said the odds of her getting pregnant

are slim to none.

Fantastic. How'd you get him to say that?

No.

Roseanne, it's for real.

Her eggs are too old.

So you mean she can never have a baby?

Ah, damn.

Hello?

I'm only here to pick up my laundry.

Let her tell you, Roseanne, okay?

Hey, Becky.

Jackie told us everything.

Aunt Jackie!

Roseanne!

We are not discussing this.

You don't know what I'm gonna say.

Yes, I do.

You're gonna tell me how happy you are about this.

I'm happy that you're not giving a baby away,

if that's what you mean, but that's not what I...

And then you're gonna tell me how wrong I was

and how I lied and it blew up in my face.

I'm getting punished enough, Mother.

I'm not getting the house,

so I have to take Armani back to the rescue.

God knows what's gonna happen to him.

- Can you just let me talk? - And you're just...

No! I know what you're gonna say.

"Becky made another stupid decision.

Mom was right. Mom's always right".

Becky, let your mom talk.

No. She said plenty.

Now you're getting all riled up

and you're not even listening.

Well, now you know how I feel about you all the time.

I've learned in most fights,

people just aren't clear enough...

You are a selfish, old woman!

Okay, good. That's...

You don't know what it was like sitting there,

hearing what they said.

You weren't there.

You don't care about me.

I do care!

That's why I wanted you to keep that baby

so you could experience all the joys of motherhood

that I'm feeling right now.

And we still have stuff to talk about.

Oh, look, you're finally wrong about something.

Becky!

Damn it!

She'll come around, Roseanne.

It's been a bad day.

Yeah.

And I made it worse.

I need you to go back to that rescue place

and get Becky's dog back.

It's the least I can do.

Why can't you go?

I have an Uber run!

She can't keep it at her apartment.

I know. That's why you need to keep it at your place

so she can take it later.

I'm getting a dog?!

Hey.

Hey, Jackie, look what I found.

It's a leash for Armani.

DJ used to use it

when he took his blanket out for a walk.

They'd rather put Armani down than let me love him.

They said that I wasn't fit to rescue him.

What? Why would they say that?

You're the perfect match.

You have no one to love and no one to love you.

Right?

And then they said I was too old

and I should get a senior dog

so he wouldn't have to go through the trauma

of grieving my death.

Are they still open?

Yeah.

Let's go.

I just got a text from Becky.

Where is she?

She's at work. She told me what happened.

And according to the text, she's "wasted as duck."

I'm gonna head over there. Where are you guys going?

To that stupid rescue place.

We're getting Becky's dog back.

I was gonna keep him for Becky,

and they rejected me.

Why? You'd be perfect. You're so lonely.

You got so much free time on your hands.

Your house is empty.

Sometimes you don't talk to people for days...

Don't bother, Darlene!

I already comforted her.

Hey, girl. Mind if I sit down and catch up to you?

Mm. Emilio, a margarita and three shots of Cuervo.

Oh, good. I was worried I didn't have plans tomorrow,

and now I know I'll be projectile vomiting.

Well, I'll be working here tomorrow

and the rest of my life,

listening to white people order "fah-jee-tas".

Let me give you some advice

from a 40-year-old woman with two kids

who still lives at her parents' house,

that was just told this afternoon

she's not "Build-A-Bear" material.

I have a better idea.

Put one of these in your mouth.

Goodbye, Wednesday.

Ugh. The Conner sisters are failing!

How did we get here?

How about this?

You tell me what's wrong with me

and I'll tell you what's wrong with you.

That's a terrible idea.

Okay, my turn.

You still act like you're in your 20s.

You go out and get "lit".

You've shopped at Forever 21 for at least two 21s.

Oh, and you take bathroom selfies.

Ooh! Let's take one.

I can put whiskers on you and make you look like a cat.

Ready...

Now your drink looks like a cat.

Aww, it's a Meow-garita.

Holy crap, we're different.

Hello? You're still open, right?

Excuse me, ma'am.

I don't know what your problem is,

but this woman would be a damn good owner for that dog.

And it's not fair that you just took it away.

Like I said earlier,

we have rules to protect the dog.

What if your sister dies?

I'll be sad, but I'll move on.

We have nothing else to talk about here.

Come on!

This woman wants a dog,

and that dog needs a home.

How hard is that for you to figure out?

I'm sorry, but there are restrictions

on who can get a dog.

Let's just go, Roseanne.

Fine.

Wait.

Can you just let this sad, old biddy...

...say goodbye one last time

to the only thing that's shown her affection

in a decade?

Only if you promise you'll leave.

We'll leave.

We're going to a real pet store,

where you can buy a dog

and do whatever you want with it!

Okay, you have one minute.

Oh, there you are, baby boy!

Oh, there you are, baby!

Ooh!

Go, Jackie.

What?

We're taking the dog.

Go!

Hey, hey, hey! Do... Do not take that dog.

I will call the police.

Do you have any idea who you're talking to?

That is Officer Jacqueline Harris

of the Lanford PD.

So go ahead and call the cops

and tell them their sister in blue

is saving a puppy!

Run, Jackie!

Alright, so how else did I screw up my life?

Bring it.

Alright, hold on.

There's a lot here to pick from.

I feel if I start with you "dating your teachers",

I'm giving short shrift to the tube-top years.

Although I do believe the two are connected.

My life wasn't supposed to turn out like this.

Mark and I were gonna have kids.

What?

Yeah. We were trying. Like all the time.

Oh, wow, Becky. I didn't know that.

I just assumed you never wanted kids

'cause you never had any.

No, I just never met anyone after

who I wanted to have them with.

You never meet anybody,

or you never try to meet anybody?

No, I just never met anybody as good.

I have high standards.

Really?

How many people that work here

have you had a one-night stand with?

Geez, you sound like my manager.

So what if I have a little fun?

I'm young.

Mm.

You're like a young old person.

Or like an old young person.

You know, you're kind of... Kind of stuck in the middle.

I-I don't know if you can see yourself

frozen in the same place since Mark died,

but everybody else can.

You know, Becky...

it's not betraying Mark to move on.

Oh, the Uber is here.

Should I cancel it?

No, I should stop.

Hey, your driver's here.

You don't look like Allen in a Chevy Sonic.

I know. He called me.

We have a deal...

He doesn't pick up my kids,

and I don't pick up his "drunk whore of a wife".

His words, not mine.

I need to sit.

Give your mom a chance.

Darlene, let's go pick out a song.

We haven't danced in like forever.

That's because it's creepy.

I'm trying to give your mother and your sister some space.

Just do it.

Well, I have a couple of things

- I want to say... - Mom, I can't right now.

Sometimes, I'm a selfish, old woman.

Okay, I can.

I get real stubborn about what I want

and I forget that there are other people,

and apparently they want stuff, too.

But the point is,

I-I should've gone to the doctor with you.

I should've been there for you.

Thanks, but it wouldn't have changed anything.

I can't have kids.

You said you didn't want kids.

I thought I had more time.

Well, maybe the doctor's wrong.

I had a kid in my 40s.

It usually happens when you least expect it

and when you're least prepared for it.

That happened to me every single time.

Well, one of you I wanted.

Which one?

You.

Oh, I've got something I want to show you.

Look at this.

It's your, uh, crazy Aunt Jackie

sharing a Popsicle with your dog.

Oh, it's Armani!

She's gonna keep him for you 'til you can take him.

They look so happy.

Yeah, well, it's all good now

'til Jackie starts asking him where this is all headed.

You want a drink, Mom?

Oh, I shouldn't.

Okay.

Ahh.

Ooh!

You're driving!

Alright, I'll give it a shot, but don't tell Mom!

How's the dog training going?

No, we don't call it "training".

We call it "behavior sculpting".

Watch.

Armani, sit.

Good boy!

See? I've taught him to be an independent thinker,

not just do what people tell him to do.

So he... he's really not trained at all.

Armani...

do you want to lie down,

or do you have other things to do?

See? He's his own dog.

Tell me to stay and watch some more.

Stay and watch some more.

Good job, Dan!