All language subtitles for Roseanne10x02

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What the hell?

Shh!

Don't spook it.

That's the great North American

bottom-heavy white wino.

It appears to be doing

some sort of cleaning ritual.

I hear they only do this every ten years

when they really need something.

Yeah, I need to get
ten years of Cheeto dust

off this table.

Great, now our cold drinks

will be sitting directly on the wood.

Come on. Andrea's coming over tomorrow.

You guys could blow $50,000 for me

if she decides not to
use me as a surrogate.

Could you please put away anything

you got free with a tank of gas?

Oh, I see what you're doing, Becky.

You don't want her to think
we're poor white trash.

You know what would help that?

Don't have a yard sale in your uterus.

Are you sure you want her to come here?

She wants to meet you guys.

She has questions about
our family history.

Ohh! We have a family history?

Mother, have you been keeping

our glorious heritage from us?

Yeah.

All of your relatives
died from alcoholism.

The ones that didn't drink
were killed by the ones who did.

What are you doing with my pictures?

I don't want her to think
obesity runs in our family.

So, I'm getting rid of the
ones where you guys were fat.

Those are the only ones
where we look happy!

Also, remember...

I told her I'm 33 and I'm
the baby of the family.

Oh, I love this game.

If you're 33, can I be an astronaut?

You live with Mom and Dad.

You can't even escape

the gravitational pull of this house.

And by the way, I look 33.

Yeah, the only reason
you look younger than me

is 'cause you're embalmed
in Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Where have you been?

All the bathrooms were ocupado,

so I had to "urinado" behind the casa.

Gross. Why couldn't you wait?

Because I realized I'm old

and I can do whatever I want.

Besides, it was kind of nice out there.

You breathe in the fresh air...

get close to nature,

wave to the neighbors with my free hand.

Oh, good job, Dad.

We finally got our red dot
on the sex offenders map.

Please don't be like this tomorrow.

I know you've all seen normal people.

Can you pick one and act like that?

Hey, everybody.

Tomorrow's the first
day at my new school.

How does this look?

Aw, you look great, buddy.

I feel like it's kind of
plain, like it needs something.

Yeah. Fast shoes and a head start.

"Roseanne" is taped in
front of a live audience.

First day at my old alma ma'.

Lanford High! So am I!

If you've got spirit...

hope you die!

Go...

smoke by the river!

Oh, my God.

Listen, here's how you
get through Lanford High.

Laugh at everything
Miss Cunningham says,

ask Mr. Skinner about the Cubs,

and tell Miss Rogers
that you love Bananarama.

Wait a second. These teachers
are probably all dead.

Well, thanks for the pep talk.

I think I'm good.

Wait, so you're... not nervous?

Do you need a hug or anything?

No.

Do you?

Yeah, I kinda do.

- You worried about Mark?
- A little.

Mm. I miss when you guys
were at the same school

so you could keep an eye on him.

I was supposed to keep an eye on him?

Alright, well, let's hope
he continues to be lucky.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Don't go out for soccer.

The field is under the
high-voltage power lines.

The whole team from '85 is sterile.

Oh, you didn't have to make their lunch.

I would've done that.

Oh, it's out of guilt.

Your father and I had a Lunchables party

in the middle of the night.

You get up to use the bathroom,

you end up having another dinner.

Darlene, you talked to Mark

about wearing that
outfit to school, right?

He's gonna get beat up, sure as hell.

He'll be fine.

He wore stuff like that
all the time in Chicago.

The musical?

I don't get why he's wearing
clothes like that to school.

He just likes to wear
clothes like that sometimes.

I've read a bunch of books about it,

and they all say to let
him just be who he is.

He gets good grades, he's
happy... for a Conner...

And, I mean, that's... That's
all I really care about.

You know, as a life coach...

This might be a good time

to grab a snack or go pee in the yard.

As a life coach,

let me share some research

that I think might be pertinent.

Before the 1900s,

there were no colors
associated with gender at all.

And then the infamous
clothing industrial complex

decided that pink was for
girls and blue was for boys

just to make people
have to buy more clothes.

- If you're done...
- And so, my point is...

kudos to Darlene for
letting Mark be himself.

I mean, given the choice,
who knows how many children

would choose a style different

from what society has
"assigned" to them.

Thank you, Aunt Jackie.

Oh, and grown-ups, too, you know?

When I'm home alone sometimes,

I like to light a few
candles and put on some Prince

and dance in front of a mirror

wearing men's boxers
and an old fishing hat.

You can get off my side now.

Darlene... you're his mom.

It's okay if you think it's fine

that he plays dress-up around the house,

but if you care about his safety,

you'll make him wear pants to school.

Oh, so you're saying when
he's out of the house,

he's got to pretend
to be someone he's not?

Yes.

If I didn't do that,

we'd never be able to
cash a check anywhere.

You know what? I'm sorry.

I-I'm not gonna raise him that way,

and by the way, you
didn't have any problem

when I wore basketball
shorts and a Bulls jersey

to school every day.

Darlene, God did not give me

this big a head to hold a narrow mind.

I'm totally cool with
girls who like basketball,

boys who like sewing,

but you're dreaming

if you think he isn't
in for a world of hurt.

Yeah, and we're totally not bigoted

because we already came
to terms with the fact

that you were gay.

I'm not gay.

You know, gay people
throughout history...

We're not talking about gay!

The kid is nine years old.

He's too young to
like girls or boys yet,

and frankly, wherever this lands
with Mark, I'm fine with it.

Then so am I! I'm totally fine with gay.

My daughter's gay!

Not gay!

- You think I'm smart, don't you?
- Yeah.

Yeah!

What's for breakfast?

You better carbo-load.

I have a feeling today's gonna be

more of a marathon than a sprint.

Come on, Mom. I don't want to be late.

Oh, well, then start walking.

No, you have to drive me.

You've gotta be there to sign a form

- saying I'm up to date with all my shots.
- What? I was taking Mark.

I don't have time to go to your school

and pretend I get you
proper medical care.

Well...

O-Okay. All right, fine.

Can one of you guys take Mark?

Yes, I'll take little Braveheart.

- Hey, Mark.
- Yeah?

I'm taking you to school,

but I want to talk to you first.

Shove over.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you
something kind of adult,

but you're growing up,

and I think you can handle it.

Do you...

feel like you're a boy or a girl?

A boy.

Well, you answered that pretty quick.

I thought it was gonna
be more complicated.

So, what's up with the girls' clothes?

This just feels like me.

I like colors that
pop. It's more creative.

Well, your mom's
creative, so I get that,

but here's the thing...

You gotta pick your fights in life.

How important is this to you?

It's important.

Okay.

Well, you know it's gonna be
rough on you at school, right?

But we'll back you up.

Ohhh!

Kinda scary talking to
your old granny, huh?

I'm not afraid of you.

Give it time.

Mark, why don't you find a seat.

Freak!

Do you mind if I talk to
the class for a minute?

No, go ahead.

Hi, everybody.

Eyes up here.

Um... I'm Mrs. Conner,

and, uh, this is my grandson, Mark,

and he's just starting
school here today,

which is very cool 'cause
all my other kids went here,

and they continue to
lead crime-free lives.

I think you guys are
really gonna like Mark

'cause he is a lot of fun,
and he's very fashionable.

Sometimes he wants to wear
a dress or a real fancy top.

I think he's gonna grow up
and be a fashion designer.

A really famous one,

like, uh, T.J. Maxx or, um...

or that Ross guy.

So, I'm counting on you guys

to make the new kid feel welcome.

And if you don't,

I have ways of finding out about it.

I'm a white witch.

Hi, Andrea.

Hi, Rebecca.

"Rebecca"?

Hi. I'm her Aunt Jacqueline,

and, um, I am Lanford's
leading life coach,

and as such, I respect
the powerful process

you must be going through
to build your family.

Thank you.

My husband, Richard, and
I are just so grateful

that Rebecca's willing to
go on this journey with us.

Journeys! Mm.

I, uh, brought you some
ionized water in glass bottles.

Thank you. I love water.

I hate plastic bottles.

I mean, you might as well suck
the mercury out of a thermometer.

Oh, I love plastic bottles

'cause when you're done with
them, you just gather 'em up

and dump 'em in the lake.

Hi. You must be, uh...

Andrea.

This is my mother, Roseanne Conner.

She's a hoot.

Why don't we sit down.

Okay, I'm just gonna do
this as quickly as possible.

Um, I just have a few questions

about your family's medical history.

Mrs. Conner, did all of
your children's deliveries

go according to your birth plan?

Um...

They found their way out,
if that's what you mean.

Oh, she means were there
any medical emergencies

that arose?

A time when the newborn
might have been in distress?

Thank you, Jacqueline.

No, the birth part was easy.

Followed by decades of unbearable pain.

Okay. Next question.

Uh, does mental illness
run in your family?

And don't be embarrassed.

I mean, I get anxiety
on international flights.

No mental illness.

Well...

Our mother was never formally diagnosed,

but I'm pretty sure
she's stark, raving...

I'll tell you what runs in our family...

A sense of humor.

If it's okay, I have some
questions for you, too, Andrea.

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, no, it's fine. Really.

Um, so, are you gonna be there

when Becky has sex with
your husband, or what?

Mom!

They don't do it like that.

Right?

Oh, God, no! No, no, no.

- Becky's egg will be extracted at the hospital...
- Use Becky's egg. Be extracted. That's right.

And then the healthiest one

- will be fertilized there...
- Fertilized.

- And then implanted.
- And then implanted!

Okay, gotcha.

So, how are you gonna take care of Becky

through this whole thing?

Oh, she's gonna get the
very best medical care,

and we're planning a
totally natural birth.

You mean with no drugs?

Say what now?

I just read an article

about how mothers who don't
use drugs during childbirth

recover so much faster.

Oh, if you're worried about me, Andrea,

you don't need to be.

I don't care how long
it takes to recover.

I'll take all the drugs you got.

Mark, go up to your room.

Andrea, this is my
older sister, Darlene.

- What happened with Mark?
- Nothing. He's fine. Where's Dad?

He's in the kitchen.

He's washing his tail in the sink.

Mom!

Guess what?

I had to pick up Mark from
the principal's office today.

I knew something bad was gonna happen.

Yeah, he showed a kid a knife at school,

and he said you gave it to him.

- Is that true?
- What?

Yeah. I gave it to him.

I didn't tell him to bring it to school.

What the hell were you thinking?

I didn't think it was that
big of a deal, Darlene.

You wanted a knife at
that age, I gave you one.

That was to defend myself at home.

You know, I know why
you gave Mark a knife.

It's to turn him into
your version of a boy.

First of all, I didn't know
there were that many versions.

And, yeah, I admit, I
was happy he liked it.

He's got a pocketknife now.

I'm hoping it's a
gateway to having pockets.

So, you admit it?

You were trying to
make him more masculine.

When did "masculine"
become a dirty word?

And no, I'm not.

I'm scared for him.

If I don't get what's going on,

what do you think a
classroom full of 10-year-olds

from Lanford is gonna do?

From what I remember

about the exchange student in my school,

what you don't understand,
you beat the crap out of.

I don't know, Dad.

Maybe things have changed
over the last fifty years.

Maybe. Maybe not.

Why don't you ask Mark

why he really had that knife out today?

I'm guessing it wasn't
for show and tell.

Well, I'm keeping a
lid on things out there,

but Roseanne just found out

that Andrea's gonna
eat Becky's placenta.

Oh, come on!

Hey, you guys gotta go
fight someplace else.

I need to yell at Becky in here.

It's... It's fine. We're done.

I'm gonna go check on Mark.

He got caught with a knife at school.

What idiot gave him a knife?

Dad... Mom needs to chill.

I am not letting you ruin this for me.

All I want is a down payment on a house

and a dentist who doesn't
work out of his van...

or just to sit on my ass for two minutes

without stressing about money!

Becky, you might not
want to see this baby,

but we will.

And I'll tell you how this
whole thing's gonna end.

I'll be kidnapping my own grandkid,

and I'm gonna end up in jail.

And don't think that's a deterrent

'cause I'll probably do less laundry!

Mark.

You know what you did wrong, don't you?

Yeah, I do.

Okay, sit down.

I'm gonna ask you something,

and you gotta be honest with me.

Don't worry. You're not
gonna get in trouble.

That's what you said last time.

Yeah, but this time I mean it.

That's what you said last time.

Okay, we've established
you remember things.

Why did you take that
knife out at school?

I told you, I was just
showing it off to a kid.

Okay, so no one was trying
to hurt you or anything?

No.

He was definitely going to hurt me.

That's when I decided to
give it to him as a gift.

Why didn't you tell me?

'Cause I didn't want you
coming down to the school

and making a big deal.

Granny Rose already told
everyone she's a witch.

No, she'd never get
that close to a broom.

Was it about your clothes?

I guess.

Well, what did he say?

He said I was weird,

and he was going to tell
everyone I was a girl-bot

so that no one would
want to play with me.

What a loser.

You know that's ridiculous, right?

Yeah...

but...

no one played with me.

You know, they will.

Here's the thing...

You are weird.

I'm weird. This whole family
is really weird, right?

So, you just gotta hang in there

until people figure
out that weird is cool.

When is that?

I don't know, but it'll happen,

and in the meantime, you
just find the other weird kids

and you hide amongst them.

By the time the bullies make
their way through to you,

there'll be a pile so high

of glasses, retainers, and headgear,

they'll never get over it.

There's this girl who offers
to dissect everybody's frogs.

Okay, you could be her
friend for now, but, you know,

as she gets older, you
might want to drift away.

Ready to go!

Oh, you sure? Do I need to frisk you?

- You packing heat?
- No, Mom.

All right, second day of school.

Remember what I told you

if anybody has a problem
with what you're wearing?

Tell them to wait for me
under the high-voltage lines.

No, the other thing.

It's their problem.

And we should all be ourselves,
but if things get rough,

I put pants and a
T-shirt in your backpack,

and you know what?

You're still gonna be you.

No, I won't. I'm fine, Mom.

Well, what if that kid teases you again

or pushes you down or something?

He'll get tired of it
eventually. I like my clothes.

Come on, Mom. I don't want to be late.

Hey! Hey!

Grr!

Get out of here.

Tough kid.

I'm gonna miss him.

Hey, Mom, I'm on my way to work.

Um... Andrea sent you
a "thank you" gift.

Turns out you didn't
totally ruin everything.

Well, we'll try harder next time.

Oh, look it. It's potpourri.

I hope you like it, Becky,

'cause that's what you're
getting for Christmas.

Guess she thinks our house stinks.

Uh, yeah, that's your fault.

You kicked up all those bad
smells with all that vacuuming.

We had 'em settled down real nice.

It looks better than it tastes.

You gotta put milk on it!

He fakes left.

He dribbles past the big man.

He shoots. He scores!

Stop it.

How's school treating you?

Fine.

Have any more trouble with that kid?

Nope. He's got a peanut allergy,

so I can take him out with
a handful of trail mix.

- Hey, can girls play?
- Hey.

I don't know. Can they?

Oh, like taking candy
from a sweaty baby.

Ha! Watch and learn, boys.

Oh! Little man flying to the hoop!

He goes up, up, up.

Flying in... boom!

Ahhh! And the crowd goes wild!

Okay, he doesn't have to wear pants,

but he's gotta wear underwear.

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