Original subtitles

Today is the last day of the ski season,

and next year we're gonna get a new lift

with heating for... for the butt.

Welcome!

Welcome, Mr. Chekov.

Welcome to the future.

Thank you.

Your business partner Knaupp here makes big promises.

Now I will see.

Okay, so we have this problem with the fucking climate change.

Every year it's warmer,

so we can forget about the skiing soon.

You know, like Arabs running out of oil.

Then what do we do?

Make skis with wheels.

Big laugh. Ha ha ha!

But now I will show you the miracle I have created.

A way to make our own snow

with the push of a button.

It's called Solanum Plus 10.

You know, it can make snow even when it's very, very warm.

So tell me, does it make green snow?

Mr. Chekov, step away from the Solanum.

White snow, white snow. It's normal.

- Mr. Chekov! - Sapperlot.

Mr. Chekov! Mr. Chekov!

Is he all right?

All right. I will try to make the presentation quick.

Franz.

You'll be fine, Josh. Don't be getting all squirrely.

This is not your first time, buddy.

Let's see. It's my first corporate contract,

it's my first time with a real camera crew,

and, oh, yeah, my first time

jumping out of a fucking helicopter.

Okay, I guess this is like your first time then.

Relax, bud. You totally got this.

This is going to be a hell of a day for snowboarding.

That's easy for you to say. You're the Steve Olson.

Josh, I suppose Steve never told you about his first jump,

did he?

Here we go.

Okay, what do you think the Steve Olson

did on his first jump from an helicopter?

A, Take four tries before he dared to jump.

B, Knock back three shots of whiskey to calm his nerves.

Or C, Had to be pushed out by the crew.

Well, I don't know what he did, but I think I'll go with B.

It's actually D, All of the above.

Branka, can you read me?

Hilde. Come in, Hilde.

Copy that.

We're almost at the top now.

In range in about 60 seconds.

We're all set down here.

The light is not going to last, so this is the only shot we got.

- You talked to Steve? - Absolutely.

You explained what I'll do to him if he pulls another stunt

like last time?

In detail. Did you mention our special guest?

I need him to understand how important this is

for both of us.

I know, I know!

Over and out.

Thank you for your patience, Mr. Chekov. Just another moment.

We are almost done, then we get you to the hospital, okay?

Man, it's sketchy down there. Too many rocks.

You'll be okay. Just thread the needle, buddy.

I'm cool.

Watch that first step. It's a doozy.

I can almost see my house from here,

and I live in fucking Copenhagen.

I got this.

Come on, you got this.

No powder at all on this rock.

- Whoo! - Yeah, buddy!

Well, that was pretty fucking awesome!

And now for our prima donna.

All right, then.

Tell your boyfriend it's his turn. Drop in.

By the way, they have a special guest waiting to see you.

I better pull out all the stops then.

I don't think it's like that. I...

Don't worry, I'll give them a hell of a show. Trust me.

Steve! This is work.

We're having turbulence. Hurry up.

What's going on?

We're facing minor turbulence.

You call this minor?

I don't care about minor turbulence.

I thought he's bad ass.

It's way too dangerous now. If he jumps...

What the fuck's wrong?

Come on, pull it together.

Branka, where the hell is Steve?

What? You can't see him?

We lost sight of Steve.

I repeat, we lost sight of Steve.

Shit.

Do we keep rolling?

I don't know. He can't just...

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Fuck... me... sideways.

Whoo-hoo!

That bad ass enough for you?

Steve, have you met our special guest yet?

This is Anna. It's always been her biggest dream

to meet the great Steve Olson.

In flesh, so to say.

Branka?

It's nice to meet you, kid.

I'm really sorry about the whole...

Okay, well, I hope you...

Right.

All right, see you.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Olson, you fucking asshole! What the hell just happened?

And now you will see the future of Alpine tourism.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid...

Stupid!

Mr. Chekov.

Mr. Chekov.

Are you okay?

Fucking zipper.

Can I help you?

Hold... that... thought.

I better take this.

Steve!

You destroyed my presentation, you fucking hippie.

Hey, he's in enough trouble as it is.

- Leave him alone. - Hippie?

Can you tell me what the hell happened up there?

Get off my mountain, you fucking clowns,

before I kick you off.

Herr Chekov, Herr Chekov!

It's party time!

You will be... feel better with this.

And maybe now we can talk about the investment.

Maybe later.

I know, I know, Hilde, but...

I told him!

Jesus, what was she, like, ten?

Nine, I think.

Congratulations.

The sponsorship contract is canceled for both of you.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Fuck. Look, maybe we should talk to them.

What do you think I was just doing?

There goes our ride.

What? They can't just leave us here.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, come back!

Look, it's gonna be all right.

I'm gonna fix this. Trust me.

Don't touch me.

I asked you, I begged you to be serious.

Just this one time not to be so...

so you.

I'm done, Steve.

We're done.

I'm going to find a room for the night. Are you coming?

Yeah, sure

Come on, dude, it's not that bad.

We're gonna get a new contract, right?

Well, bitches be cray-cray!

Dude, you coming?

Dude.

Don't dude me!

Dude.

Well, hang loose then.

The hostel is closed.

End of the season, verstehst?

What if we wanna get down to the valley?

The lift is also closed.

This party will be the whole night.

Nobody comes down till the sun comes up.

Well, I guess we'll have to take our boards then.

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

- What? Why? - Look here.

We are here.

The slope ends here.

Here is the village.

Many, many kilometers. Very, very far.

Here, only bus.

But today no more.

You can walk, but you will freeze,

and you'll become dead!

No!

We don't want you to become dead.

You can stay the night here, bei mir, in the tavern.

You're lucky.

Tonight is the end of the season party.

Ja?

After 8:00, it's all half price.

* Make a little party Make a little party *

So there's really no way to get down to the valley?

You heard her. We'll become dead.

You can ask Franz, the owner of the ski lift.

He has a snowmobile.

Snowmobile?

Franz!

No, no, no, it's fine. Thank you.

So, what are you having?

This is not a bus stop here.

Everybody feel good!

It's party time!

"Trust me."

He's always saying, "Trust me."

"Trust me, Branka."

And I fall for it every time.

Come on, Branka, it's gonna be all right.

Things will get better soon. You'll see.

Well, they sure as hell can't get any worse.

I know he let us down, but...

I really think he's a good dude.

But I don't want a dude. I want a man.

When is he going to grow up?

Damn it, Josh.

He just doesn't know when to quit.

Excuse me?

You wanna dance with me?

No, thank you.

Why?

What's your problem?

I'm a great dancer.

I'm great with many things.

If you're with her, you can wait outside.

- Hey! - Relax, Josh.

I don't need the cavalry, not for this prick.

What did you just call me?

I just called you a prick.

You know, you are what you eat.

I am now going to finish my drink in peace, okay?

Okay.

Okeydokey, then.

Sometimes you can be kinda scary.

I didn't know what a great dancer you are, Mr. Chekov.

I'm happy you're feeling better now.

Maybe we can talk a little bit about business now?

There's some fucked-up critters on this rock.

Happy hour!

Happy hour time!

Oh, shit, I'm sorry.

What the fuck?

Nice rack.

Best après ski party ever!

Whoo!

Working my way through.

Are the others up there?

Two snowboarders, a girl and a guy.

You mean the nice boy and the bad girl?

Yeah.

No.

I have to find them.

- Steve? - Branka!

Steve, we're in here!

Who are you?

I could ask you the same thing.

You brought them here?

No, I didn't.

Maybe I did.

Close the door!

Scheiße!

Steve! Come on!

What the fuck are you two doing in here?

Making out. What do you think?

No, no, we were not.

Yeah, I fucking know. What happened here?

Everything just went nuts all of a sudden.

We're lucky to be alive.

You might be jumping the gun with the whole "lucky" thing.

Look, I just wanted to say, while I'm here,

I'm really sorry about... you know.

Seriously? Now?

Guys, can you keep it down?

Ugh!

- I don't fucking want it. - Ugh!

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Fuck!

Guys.

Hurry up! Get up!

Get your asses up there!

Yes, sir.

My turn.

Okay, okay.

It's these alcopops. They make people crazy.

Lady, this is way more than a drinking problem.

I'm not being funny, but...

is there someone else up here with us?

Franz?

I thought I told you to get off my fucking mountain.

Yeah, that's a little tricky right now.

Those things downstairs, did you see them?

Franz.

You mean rabies? It could be rabies.

Nobody knows what happened.

Of course we know what happened.

We're in a zombie epidemic here. Isn't that obvious?

Not rabies, not fucking alcopops.

Fucking zombies, okay? And lots of them.

You saw them.

How about we call for help?

That's a good idea. I know just who to call.

Hey, Arne.

Arne...

Care to fill us in on your chat?

My cousin Arne.

He's like totally into zombie flicks.

And what did he say?

How to kill them.

I mean, it really depends on

which kind of zombie movie we're in.

This is bullshit.

Let the professionals deal with it.

We need actual help from the valley police military.

Gib her. Give me that.

Well, if they are the fast-infected, virusy kind,

we could be in real trouble here.

But they look more like the slow, brain-dead kind.

Yeah, just like someone else I know.

Dude, I'm just trying to be proactive here.

Yeah, by calling your night-of-the-living loser cousin

from fucking Denmark?

These zombies are going to rip us apart

before anybody else shows up.

We gotta go Chuck Norris on their asses.

Chuck Norris? How old are you, dude?

The police. The line is dead.

Maybe it has spread?

Nothing has spread.

The line is dead.

The people in the valley are dead.

Maybe it's the reception. I mean, we don't really know.

Oh, the reception. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

We need some ideas here, people.

That snowmobile outside, that's yours, isn't it?

Yes, but it's outside.

And how do we get there?

Guys.

What is?

Holy shit.

Jesus!

What is it?

There's my snowmobile.

We should just try and run for it.

No, it's too dangerous.

There are too many of them.

I think I have an idea.

I am not sure this is a good idea.

Well, at least it is an idea.

Shh! Quiet.

Guys.

Just for the record,

this is not how this was supposed to work.

Hurry! Run, run!

Shit.

Hey!

What about the others?

I don't care!

Watch out!

Branka.

Where are you?

- Branka! - Shh!

We have to get out of here.

Do you think we can make it down to the valley?

What happens on my mountain will stay on my mountain.

Verstehst?

What are you talking about, the zombie epidemic?

Of course we have to get down to the valley.

We have to warn somebody.

What the fuck, old man?

Nobody warns anyone.

The phone calls you made in the attic,

you didn't really call anyone, did you?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

He's crazy.

Oh, my God. Branka, get up. Get up!

What are we going to do now?

We should continue going downhill.

But we have no idea where this goes.

This could be that dead-end valley.

Rita showed it to us on a map.

I've got matches.

I could make a torch.

You know, keeps you warm, keep away the creepy crawlies.

Creepy crawlies?

No, no, no, no.

You know, I just meant like, uh...

rabbits and squirrels and shit.

You're gonna save me from rabbits and squirrels?

My hero.

I bought you this scarf.

Doesn't matter now.

We must find a way to beat them.

Beat them.

Beat them how?

A dance contest?

- Fuck. - Are you hurt?

That? No, it's...

- Let me see. - It's nothing.

- Let me see. - It's nothing.

Don't.

I will put some schnapps on it for disinfection.

I don't think schnapps is gonna do it.

You know my cousin Arne, the zombie expert?

Well, he would tell you that...

you're only choice is to...

Kill you? Are you crazy?

It's that or, in a few minutes, I'm gonna try to kill you.

Turn you into a zombie person.

I'm not kidding.

Either you walk out of here alive...

...or neither of us do.

But not both.

Ah, fuck.

Jesus, Maria, und Josef.

- Are you okay? - Sure.

Just light the torch.

What was that?

What?

I thought I heard something.

Just a dangling branch.

You have hold this thing still.

I'm sorry. Can't stop shivering.

I've seen something like this before.

Don't they usually use this for...

Bear trap!

- Oh, my God! Steve! - Fuck!

Does it hurt?

Actually, no. It's not too bad.

These boots are awesome.

- Steve. - What?

Zombie.

Oh, my God.

Shit.

Shit.

It's my mom.

No! Don't answer it.

They're reacting to the music.

Quick, call me on my cell.

Run!

Bring it on!

What does it mean, "Bring it on?"

Just do it, okay? Don't be afraid!

Just, just bring it on!

- On three, all right? - Okay.

One...

two...

three!

Rita, you have to...

What the fuck!

Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Rita.

I wanna say something.

Damn it.

I wish I had something cool to say.

- Life. - Ja?

Life is...

It's really just...

No, I got nothing.

Let's see if we can make the lift work.

I thought we were trying to go downhill.

Listen, if this thing with the music works,

maybe we can go back and save Josh.

Uphill works for me.

This could almost be romantic when you think about it.

What?

I just mean if everything weren't so fucked up right now.

And I don't just mean the flesh-eating maniacs.

You're right. If absolutely everything were different,

this could be a romantic moment.

Look, I...

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I, uh...

I thought that you liked that I was funny.

I do. I like that you are funny.

I just hate that you are not serious.

Damn it, Steve.

I worked my ass off to make all this possible for you,

for Josh, and for me.

And then...

then you just pissed it away.

- Can I ask you something? - What?

If we make it out, would you give me a second chance?

Okay, the 22nd chance?

That's a huge "if."

Let's cross that bridge...

if we ever get to it.

Okay.

Well, seeing as you think we're gonna die anyway,

I might as well say something that I've been meaning to say.

What's that?

Would it kill you to meet me halfway?

I mean, I know, I get it. I am a fuckup, but...

why do you have to be so damn serious all the time?

Can you have a little fun once in a while?

I suppose I can work on that.

A little.

Like maybe in the next couple of hours or so?

If we don't turn into... you know.

Now you see me...

...now you don't.

Gustl.

Gustl, Gustl.

Do allow me.

Josh.

Buddy.

Let's get these bastards.

Hey, guys, over here, this way.

Hey, happy hour, guys!

This is where the party's at. Keep walking.

Come on.

It's all yours.

You make it look so easy.

- Zombies... - Are...

- Dead... - Meat.

Well, duh.

Rita, don't!

Move!

Run!

There are too many.

Now we become dead.

And we've got fucking snowboards.

I'm not doing this to impress you.

Good. You're learning.

* La la la la la *

Steve! Use your board!

Mighty Steve Olson.

Look! He's not half the man he used to be.

Jesus.

Now you're a comedian.

I'm just pumped.

It's either laugh or scream.

Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel all the time.

Well, alrighty, I, uh...

Yeah, yeah, go, go

Josh!

Come on, do it.

Kill him.

But it's Josh.

It's not Josh. Not anymore.

I can't.

I get it, but he's kind of going to kill us.

Okay, that happened.

He was such a nice guy.

Josh rocked, no question.

We're gonna get off this rock, Branka.

I am so with you.

But first we'll kill every last one of those

walking, drooling meat bags.

You take the party sluts,

and I'll go for the creepy cook,

then we are done.

Whoo-hoo!

Branka!

Rita! Put the cable in the snowblower!

What?

Just do it! Now!

Are you crazy?!

Now turn it on!

Just do it!

You are crazy.

Steve!

Steve.

Tell me you're not impressed.

Actually, I am.

Got you!

Let me go!

Let me go!

No way.

You'll die.

Fuck you.

Then I'll let go.

Then I'll let go too.

So now we both have to die?

The stupidest idea I've heard all day.

Well, at least it is an idea.

Wait.

Hand me that crowbar.

You know...

you do serious pretty well too.

Yeah, and you.

You do realize what this snow is, don't you?

I was hoping you wouldn't bring it up.

Ahem!

So...

and what do we do now?

What do we do about what?

Those things.

Listen.

Down in the valley.

We're all gonna get off this rock,

and it's going to be fine.

Trust us.

Bring it on.