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Hello, Internet, it's your friend Nicole
over here with an insane announcement.
2
00:01:39,559 --> 00:01:42,361
MacKenzie Bezos, 48 and looking
good, made headlines this week,
3
00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:45,330
when she announced that she
was joining The Giving Pledge,
4
00:01:45,364 --> 00:01:49,736
donating $15 billion, that's billion
with a "B," to 15 lucky winners.
5
00:01:49,769 --> 00:01:51,470
- What?
- If I had $15 billion dollars,
6
00:01:51,503 --> 00:01:53,573
I'd probably just make it
rain on millionaires.
7
00:01:53,606 --> 00:01:54,641
"I'm sorry you're so poor."
8
00:01:54,674 --> 00:01:56,308
Make millionairesfeel broke.
9
00:01:56,341 --> 00:02:00,278
All you have to do to enter is text
the numbers nine-eight-three-seven-six
10
00:02:00,312 --> 00:02:01,881
to the numbers below.
11
00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:05,417
So far, it's reported that 2.6 billion
people have already entered via text.
12
00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:06,653
- Damn!
- I'm one of them.
13
00:02:06,686 --> 00:02:09,287
I mean, I hope you win,but I hope I win more.
14
00:02:09,321 --> 00:02:12,558
Good luck to everybody entering and
may the odds be ever in your favor.
15
00:02:12,592 --> 00:02:14,426
I think I've heard that
somewhere before.
16
00:02:14,459 --> 00:02:16,729
Whatever, I'll coin it.
It's mine now, it's mine now.
17
00:02:16,763 --> 00:02:18,631
Like the billion dollars.
Billion dollars!
18
00:02:18,665 --> 00:02:20,600
What would I even do
with a billion dollars?
19
00:02:20,633 --> 00:02:22,869
I'd buy all the poolsand all the pool boys.
20
00:02:25,772 --> 00:02:29,542
You know, I bet they created one
of those deceptive algorithm codes
21
00:02:29,575 --> 00:02:33,746
that prevents Black text messages
from winning that billion dollars.
22
00:02:33,780 --> 00:02:37,984
Stop, baby, be quiet.
I have five more minutes to sleep.
23
00:02:38,017 --> 00:02:39,652
Shut up.
24
00:02:39,686 --> 00:02:41,486
Get up and clean up.
25
00:02:42,922 --> 00:02:45,892
You know, God just needs
to send me a new girlfriend,
26
00:02:45,925 --> 00:02:48,761
maybe like one or two,
or three or four.
27
00:02:48,795 --> 00:02:52,799
Maybe a Puerto Rican, a Haitian,
and four Africans.
28
00:02:52,832 --> 00:02:55,868
Yeah, you know,
maybe one from Somalia,
29
00:02:55,902 --> 00:02:58,871
Ethiopia and then
four Nigerians...
30
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:02,441
and a white girl.
31
00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:03,676
Oh!
32
00:03:24,530 --> 00:03:25,698
Fuck my life.
33
00:03:36,809 --> 00:03:38,376
Like a billion dollars.
34
00:03:38,410 --> 00:03:40,345
What would I even
do with a billion dollars?
35
00:03:43,415 --> 00:03:44,416
What?
36
00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:48,921
What are you doing?
37
00:03:48,955 --> 00:03:50,990
Why are you just sitting
out here on your phone?
38
00:03:52,658 --> 00:03:54,861
Nora, I'm thinking.
39
00:03:54,894 --> 00:03:56,328
Oh, you're thinking.
40
00:03:57,496 --> 00:03:58,965
All right, well,
thank you, Jesus.
41
00:03:58,998 --> 00:04:00,833
You're answering my prayers.
Thank you.
42
00:04:00,867 --> 00:04:02,068
- Excuse me.
- Oh.
43
00:04:02,101 --> 00:04:03,502
Nora...
44
00:04:04,804 --> 00:04:06,471
we really need
some serious money
45
00:04:06,505 --> 00:04:07,673
coming through this house.
46
00:04:07,707 --> 00:04:10,375
Oh, we really need some serious
money in this house, huh?
47
00:04:10,408 --> 00:04:13,813
- Yes.
- Well, why don't you at least try to match my pay grade?
48
00:04:13,846 --> 00:04:16,716
I'm not talking about a couple of
thousand dollars a month, Nora.
49
00:04:17,683 --> 00:04:18,885
Oh, don't you sound all bad
50
00:04:18,918 --> 00:04:20,418
like you about to go rob a bank?
51
00:04:20,452 --> 00:04:21,687
Hmm.
52
00:04:21,721 --> 00:04:24,757
Look, I know you freak out when
you're faced with hard work.
53
00:04:24,791 --> 00:04:25,958
You're quite the motivator.
54
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,529
You're late for work.
It's 9:30, Kareem.
55
00:04:29,562 --> 00:04:31,329
You're supposed
to be at work at 8:00.
56
00:04:31,363 --> 00:04:32,698
Like, why are you
complaining, though,
57
00:04:32,732 --> 00:04:33,966
and you don't
go to work on time?
58
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,201
And as a matter of fact,
59
00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:37,570
you never, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever go to work on time.
60
00:04:37,603 --> 00:04:39,972
Nora, the only people who are
up at 8:00 in the morning
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00:04:40,006 --> 00:04:42,507
purchasing furniture
are old-ass senior citizens
62
00:04:42,542 --> 00:04:44,544
purchasing those cheap-ass
$99 rocking chairs.
63
00:04:44,577 --> 00:04:46,746
And you know I don't make
no real money off that.
64
00:04:46,779 --> 00:04:49,347
So I ain't going
to work on time.
65
00:04:49,849 --> 00:04:50,917
Hmm.
66
00:04:52,885 --> 00:04:56,022
You know, you can be
very, very negative at times?
67
00:04:56,055 --> 00:04:57,924
Well, I have a savings account.
68
00:04:57,957 --> 00:04:59,357
Yeah.
69
00:04:59,391 --> 00:05:02,762
So? Ain't nothing in it but like
three-four dollars and some change.
70
00:05:02,795 --> 00:05:04,429
Whatever.
71
00:05:04,462 --> 00:05:06,566
How much
you got in there for real?
72
00:05:06,599 --> 00:05:09,735
Negative $15.
But I needed some eyelashes.
73
00:05:09,769 --> 00:05:11,070
Yeah.
74
00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:12,538
Well, see you later.
75
00:05:13,639 --> 00:05:15,875
- Bye. Bye, boy.
- All righty.
76
00:05:15,908 --> 00:05:18,578
- Go to work, you're late.
- Yeah, yeah.
77
00:05:21,714 --> 00:05:22,782
Nice ass.
78
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:29,989
Here's his write-up, sir.
79
00:05:30,022 --> 00:05:31,824
Why are you always
writing me up?
80
00:05:31,858 --> 00:05:35,460
Why are you always late?
Why are you late again?
81
00:05:35,493 --> 00:05:36,963
Because he told on me, again.
82
00:05:36,996 --> 00:05:39,866
No, it's because
you're irresponsible.
83
00:05:39,899 --> 00:05:42,400
See how lame
your lead nerd manager is
84
00:05:42,434 --> 00:05:44,070
spewing out
all these racial stereotypes.
85
00:05:45,503 --> 00:05:46,906
Here's his monthly report, sir.
86
00:05:46,939 --> 00:05:48,541
Thank you, uh, Peter.
87
00:05:48,574 --> 00:05:51,110
Oh, heavens to Murgatroyd,
you're late again?
88
00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:53,511
I mean, 42 times?
89
00:05:53,546 --> 00:05:54,680
- Kareem!
- Forty-two times?
90
00:05:54,714 --> 00:05:55,948
Okay... How is that
even possible?
91
00:05:55,982 --> 00:05:57,884
There are not even
that many days in the month.
92
00:05:57,917 --> 00:05:59,619
Clearly, he's making
this up, Darryl.
93
00:05:59,652 --> 00:06:00,853
Darryl?
94
00:06:00,887 --> 00:06:03,089
You call him Mr. Johnson,
Kareem.
95
00:06:03,122 --> 00:06:04,690
Thank you, thank you, Peter.
96
00:06:04,724 --> 00:06:05,758
Thank you.
97
00:06:06,458 --> 00:06:07,793
My brother.
98
00:06:07,827 --> 00:06:10,129
Brother, is there any way you and
I can discuss this as brothers
99
00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:11,898
without the white man
in our business?
100
00:06:11,931 --> 00:06:14,934
No, no. Can you...
Can you explain why you're always late?
101
00:06:14,967 --> 00:06:16,002
Can you do that?
102
00:06:16,035 --> 00:06:17,870
That's a very racist question
for you to ask me,
103
00:06:17,904 --> 00:06:19,171
but since you want
to know so bad,
104
00:06:19,205 --> 00:06:22,008
Nora don't be waking me up in time.
But the real reason...
105
00:06:22,041 --> 00:06:23,843
- What?
- ...is because of AIR.
106
00:06:23,876 --> 00:06:24,911
- Air?
- Air.
107
00:06:24,944 --> 00:06:26,178
What are you talking about?
108
00:06:26,212 --> 00:06:28,881
American institutional racism.
109
00:06:28,915 --> 00:06:31,851
Here we go, playing the race card.
110
00:06:31,884 --> 00:06:33,586
The news said this would happen.
111
00:06:33,619 --> 00:06:35,855
What, your white clock
doesn't wake you up on time?
112
00:06:35,888 --> 00:06:38,891
Exactly. You see, that's why
I don't enjoy coming here,
113
00:06:38,925 --> 00:06:41,961
because of all the bigotry and
prejudices that I have to endure.
114
00:06:41,994 --> 00:06:45,064
Every time I show up, it's like I'm
forced to go to the back of the bus.
115
00:06:45,097 --> 00:06:46,766
That is absurd.
116
00:06:46,799 --> 00:06:49,602
This is an
African American-owned company.
117
00:06:49,635 --> 00:06:52,238
He's your brother,
and I don't mean like "brotha."
118
00:06:52,271 --> 00:06:54,807
I mean,
he's literally your brother.
119
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:57,944
You guys have the same mother
and the same fa...
120
00:06:57,977 --> 00:07:00,646
fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa...
121
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,848
Y'all mama, too,
got the same baby daddy, right?
122
00:07:02,882 --> 00:07:05,785
I present institutional racism
in the flesh.
123
00:07:05,818 --> 00:07:07,519
You know what,
I'm sick of your BS.
124
00:07:07,553 --> 00:07:09,521
Okay, I can smell it
way over here.
125
00:07:09,555 --> 00:07:12,992
All right? This is your last chance,
Kareem. There's nothing to say, okay?
126
00:07:13,025 --> 00:07:15,628
And yes, Peter,
we have the same father.
127
00:07:15,661 --> 00:07:18,731
Which makes me wonder,
what, what happened to you?
128
00:07:18,764 --> 00:07:20,833
This is your last chance,
I swear.
129
00:07:20,866 --> 00:07:24,003
Bring your Black ass in here
late one more time, you're fired.
130
00:07:24,737 --> 00:07:26,205
Are we clear?
131
00:07:26,238 --> 00:07:27,974
Please get out of my office.
132
00:07:28,007 --> 00:07:29,976
You know, you keep
howling at me like that,
133
00:07:30,009 --> 00:07:31,277
you're gonna raise
your cholesterol.
134
00:07:31,310 --> 00:07:33,245
What, I... Don't worry
about my cholesterol.
135
00:07:33,279 --> 00:07:35,181
Worry about Nora
waking you up on time.
136
00:07:35,214 --> 00:07:37,550
Offices usually have doors
to exit out of, but...
137
00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:38,818
- Get out of here.
- It's your office.
138
00:07:38,851 --> 00:07:41,220
Thank you, Peter. I'm document...
Put that on the report.
139
00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:43,289
- Can you believe, accusations...
- Put extra words...
140
00:07:43,322 --> 00:07:45,791
- Put extra words on there.
- Accusations of racism.
141
00:07:45,825 --> 00:07:48,027
I voted for Obama.
142
00:07:52,999 --> 00:07:54,266
Johnson Furniture Store.
143
00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:56,235
Hey, y'all carry cell phones?
144
00:07:57,570 --> 00:07:58,938
Do we carry cell phones?
145
00:07:58,971 --> 00:08:00,873
Who did you just call?
146
00:08:00,906 --> 00:08:02,641
Um, is this
Johnson's Furniture Store?
147
00:08:02,675 --> 00:08:06,846
What type of goofy-ass person calls a furniture
store and asks if they carry cell phones?
148
00:08:06,879 --> 00:08:08,180
Excuse me?
149
00:08:08,214 --> 00:08:10,016
Excuse me.
What type of goof-ass person
150
00:08:10,049 --> 00:08:12,952
calls a furniture store and
asks if they carry cell phones?
151
00:08:12,985 --> 00:08:16,322
Uh-uh, hold on, wait a minute.
Let me get your manager.
152
00:08:16,355 --> 00:08:18,691
And I need your name
and your badge number.
153
00:08:20,092 --> 00:08:21,961
Hello,
my name is Peter,
154
00:08:21,994 --> 00:08:24,096
and I'm the only white guy
who works here.
155
00:08:24,130 --> 00:08:26,065
I'm a skinny, goofy,
crooked-toothed, lame-ass white boy.
156
00:08:26,098 --> 00:08:27,566
Is there anything else
you'd like to know?
157
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,168
You know what? Uh-uh.
158
00:08:29,201 --> 00:08:34,040
I gonna have my boyfriend Tyrone come down
there and beat your ass, Peter Parker.
159
00:08:34,073 --> 00:08:36,909
Tyrone?
I'm sure he just got out of the joint.
160
00:08:36,942 --> 00:08:39,178
Well, listen,
you tell Tyrone that Peter...
161
00:08:39,211 --> 00:08:42,348
Again, that's Peter, said that,
"I will beat his black ass
162
00:08:42,381 --> 00:08:44,650
"from here all the way
back to Attica or Africa,
163
00:08:44,683 --> 00:08:46,552
"and I'll be here
waiting on him. Shalom."
164
00:08:47,620 --> 00:08:48,821
Sha...
165
00:08:48,854 --> 00:08:50,122
Shalom, my ass.
166
00:09:04,737 --> 00:09:05,771
Tyrone.
167
00:09:12,778 --> 00:09:13,946
Kareem.
168
00:09:15,181 --> 00:09:17,083
Check it out real quick, Peter.
169
00:09:17,116 --> 00:09:18,751
Ay.
170
00:09:18,784 --> 00:09:19,852
Truce?
171
00:09:19,885 --> 00:09:21,187
What do you want, Kareem?
172
00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:22,221
So...
173
00:09:23,956 --> 00:09:27,927
A guy named Tyrone is gonna be
coming through a little later
174
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,296
to pick up a dining room,
bathroom and kitchen set.
175
00:09:30,329 --> 00:09:31,964
But I'm gonna be
on my lunch break.
176
00:09:31,997 --> 00:09:33,766
You mind knocking
that out for me?
177
00:09:33,799 --> 00:09:35,201
Sure, yeah.
178
00:09:35,234 --> 00:09:37,036
Thanks, man.
179
00:09:37,069 --> 00:09:38,938
I do have a question
for you, though.
180
00:09:41,073 --> 00:09:43,709
How does one go about making...
181
00:09:43,742 --> 00:09:45,244
white people money?
182
00:09:45,277 --> 00:09:47,146
What kind of half-witted
question is that?
183
00:09:47,179 --> 00:09:48,214
You white, right?
184
00:09:48,247 --> 00:09:49,782
No, I'm Puerto Rican.
185
00:09:49,815 --> 00:09:51,984
Okay, Petey Pablo,
186
00:09:52,017 --> 00:09:54,253
how does one go about
making white people money?
187
00:09:54,286 --> 00:09:56,288
Okay, I'll play your game.
188
00:09:56,322 --> 00:09:57,923
What is white people money?
189
00:09:57,957 --> 00:10:01,794
Affluence, wealth, prosperity.
190
00:10:01,827 --> 00:10:05,297
See, white people money
means no problems.
191
00:10:05,331 --> 00:10:06,533
Get-out-of-jail-free card.
192
00:10:06,566 --> 00:10:08,701
You get pulled over by the cops,
you get to say things like,
193
00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,736
"Why the hell did you pull me
over, you son of a bitch?
194
00:10:10,769 --> 00:10:13,973
"Now, why don't you go take a
honeybun, stick it up your noodle nose
195
00:10:14,006 --> 00:10:16,442
"and watch it come out through
your ears," and drive off alive.
196
00:10:16,475 --> 00:10:18,744
I need white people money.
197
00:10:18,777 --> 00:10:20,679
That... That has nothing
to do with money.
198
00:10:20,713 --> 00:10:21,881
That's white privilege.
199
00:10:21,914 --> 00:10:23,349
Black people
have privilege, too.
200
00:10:23,382 --> 00:10:25,050
Shit, like what?
201
00:10:25,084 --> 00:10:28,454
Well, like, you get to call
white people racist names,
202
00:10:28,487 --> 00:10:30,289
and you get to say the N-word.
203
00:10:30,322 --> 00:10:32,725
I will no longer entertain
this ignorance.
204
00:10:33,826 --> 00:10:35,794
What you doing?
205
00:10:35,828 --> 00:10:37,663
If you do find
white people money,
206
00:10:38,931 --> 00:10:39,999
please let me know.
207
00:10:47,273 --> 00:10:49,875
You were two minutes late
coming back from work yesterday.
208
00:10:51,277 --> 00:10:53,479
And...
209
00:10:53,512 --> 00:10:56,849
you know, you say
some of the most racist things
210
00:10:56,882 --> 00:10:59,418
I've ever heard
in my entire life.
211
00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:03,722
It's African Americans like you
that make Obama look bad.
212
00:11:03,756 --> 00:11:06,725
Excuse me, sonny,
where can I find the rocking chairs?
213
00:11:13,899 --> 00:11:15,234
Hello.
214
00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:17,336
I mean...
215
00:11:17,369 --> 00:11:19,738
Johnson Furniture Company.
216
00:11:19,772 --> 00:11:21,440
Where's Peter Parker?
217
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:30,849
Hello. I'm calling you.
Your food is gonna get cold.
218
00:11:31,517 --> 00:11:33,018
Kareem Malik Johnson!
219
00:11:33,052 --> 00:11:34,486
Girl, what is wrong with you?
220
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,356
- What is you hollering your breath in my ear for?
- What are you doing?
221
00:11:39,925 --> 00:11:41,760
Nora, sit.
222
00:11:43,062 --> 00:11:45,231
- You don't tell me what to do.
- Sit down.
223
00:11:51,370 --> 00:11:54,240
Something has been itching
at me all week long.
224
00:11:54,273 --> 00:11:56,208
Well, that's because
when you take a shower,
225
00:11:56,242 --> 00:11:59,311
you're supposed to use a towel and soap, so.
226
00:11:59,345 --> 00:12:01,113
Sorry, baby,
you walked into that one.
227
00:12:01,146 --> 00:12:03,415
- I'm serious. Now hear me out.
- Okay.
228
00:12:04,817 --> 00:12:07,486
The secret
to solving our problems
229
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:10,322
is that we need
white people money.
230
00:12:10,356 --> 00:12:12,891
Look, now I'm starting to see
why your momma and daddy,
231
00:12:12,925 --> 00:12:15,528
changed the locks on you when you
moved out. 'Cause you're delusional.
232
00:12:15,562 --> 00:12:18,130
Nora, we need
white people money.
233
00:12:18,163 --> 00:12:21,000
Now, just... Just hear me out.
234
00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:23,168
All right, I'm listening,
Negro Buffet.
235
00:12:25,104 --> 00:12:27,906
So, you're not happy,
I'm not happy.
236
00:12:27,940 --> 00:12:30,109
No, I'm happy, you're not happy.
237
00:12:30,142 --> 00:12:32,444
You ate a whole gallon
of Cap'n Crunch ice cream
238
00:12:32,478 --> 00:12:36,415
the other day while watching
the whole rerun of Girlfriends.
239
00:12:36,448 --> 00:12:37,550
That's because I'm happy.
240
00:12:38,417 --> 00:12:40,319
Now, let's hear
what you have to say.
241
00:12:41,453 --> 00:12:44,123
Could you, like,
just stop being mean for two seconds,
242
00:12:44,156 --> 00:12:46,158
I'm trying to tell you
this is going to work.
243
00:12:46,191 --> 00:12:47,826
Yes, I will,
when one of your ideas
244
00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:49,461
actually pan out
and are successful.
245
00:12:50,029 --> 00:12:51,163
Now, let's hear this plan
246
00:12:51,196 --> 00:12:54,066
about how you're gonna get
all this white people money,
247
00:12:54,099 --> 00:12:57,036
Mr. Money Is The Key
To Happiness.
248
00:12:57,069 --> 00:13:00,540
And you know what? I always
prayed for a man like James Evans.
249
00:13:00,573 --> 00:13:03,242
You know, he lived in the
projects and he was still happy.
250
00:13:03,275 --> 00:13:05,844
James Evans was miserable.
251
00:13:05,878 --> 00:13:08,213
All he did was scream
and howl at those kids.
252
00:13:08,247 --> 00:13:10,382
Now, Cliff Huxtable was happy.
253
00:13:10,416 --> 00:13:12,351
So the Cosbys
had white people money?
254
00:13:12,384 --> 00:13:14,286
Laxative mouth! Listen.
255
00:13:16,388 --> 00:13:19,158
Do you know
who MacKenzie Bezos is?
256
00:13:20,426 --> 00:13:23,228
Sounds pretty familiar, but no.
257
00:13:23,262 --> 00:13:26,098
That's exactly why you don't
have any white people money.
258
00:13:26,131 --> 00:13:28,100
Well, apparently,
you two have become BFFs,
259
00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:30,235
and you don't even have
black people money.
260
00:13:30,269 --> 00:13:32,071
Hmm.
261
00:13:32,104 --> 00:13:34,106
Do you know who Jeff Bezos is?
262
00:13:34,139 --> 00:13:36,241
Are you really asking me
if I'm cheating on you?
263
00:13:36,275 --> 00:13:37,476
I don't know no Jeffs.
264
00:13:39,579 --> 00:13:41,347
You don't know
who Jeff Bezos is?
265
00:13:41,380 --> 00:13:42,549
I said no.
266
00:13:42,582 --> 00:13:44,983
God damn, you dumb.
267
00:13:45,451 --> 00:13:46,452
Your mama.
268
00:13:46,485 --> 00:13:48,621
It's gonna be impossible
to get white people money
269
00:13:48,655 --> 00:13:51,056
- with a woman like you backing me up.
- Backing you up?
270
00:13:51,090 --> 00:13:52,257
Hold up.
271
00:13:52,291 --> 00:13:54,159
This Grand Theft Auto
playing Negro
272
00:13:54,193 --> 00:13:56,195
- just say, "backing him up"?
- That's a knockout.
273
00:13:56,228 --> 00:13:58,130
First of all,
I don't back nobody up
274
00:13:58,163 --> 00:13:59,965
who I have to split bills with.
275
00:13:59,998 --> 00:14:02,034
Do you know who Cardi B is?
276
00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:03,536
Ah, of course
I know who Cardi B is.
277
00:14:03,570 --> 00:14:05,304
I mean, who don't know
who Cardi B is?
278
00:14:05,337 --> 00:14:08,941
My God, I knew I should've left your ass in
the projects when they was demolishing 'em.
279
00:14:10,175 --> 00:14:13,379
Jeff Bezos is the founder
of Amazon.
280
00:14:13,412 --> 00:14:15,648
He's worth over $100 billion.
281
00:14:15,682 --> 00:14:18,651
Well, why didn't you
just say that?
282
00:14:18,685 --> 00:14:20,919
I want to hear more about it,
but if I find out
283
00:14:20,953 --> 00:14:22,521
that you had that man
for ransom money,
284
00:14:22,555 --> 00:14:24,256
I'm gonna tell your mama
on that one.
285
00:14:24,289 --> 00:14:27,126
Jeff and MacKenzie
are now divorced.
286
00:14:27,159 --> 00:14:29,194
Oh, so she probably
got half, huh?
287
00:14:29,228 --> 00:14:32,231
- Right, exactly, so...
- Cha-ching.
288
00:14:33,298 --> 00:14:34,433
- As of now...
- Mm-hmm.
289
00:14:34,466 --> 00:14:36,636
...she's giving away
$15 billion.
290
00:14:38,170 --> 00:14:41,073
Just asking people
to text a particular number
291
00:14:41,106 --> 00:14:45,545
and she's going to give away
$15 billion to each winner.
292
00:14:45,578 --> 00:14:48,548
Okay, Black people
always wishing for luck.
293
00:14:48,581 --> 00:14:51,216
Like, that doesn't
make no sense.
294
00:14:51,250 --> 00:14:54,019
So, I was thinking I should send
a text message to that number
295
00:14:54,052 --> 00:14:56,021
before you came
and rudely interrupted me
296
00:14:56,054 --> 00:14:57,456
with all of that
negative energy.
297
00:14:58,223 --> 00:15:00,159
So, why haven't you?
298
00:15:00,192 --> 00:15:02,662
Because I wanted to check it out
to make sure it was legit,
299
00:15:02,695 --> 00:15:04,531
and, baby I did,
and I'm telling you,
300
00:15:04,564 --> 00:15:06,999
it is the real deal.
301
00:15:08,066 --> 00:15:09,669
And of course I... I didn't...
302
00:15:09,702 --> 00:15:12,037
want to risk anybody
hacking into my bank account
303
00:15:12,070 --> 00:15:14,473
to try to rip me off or anything
like that, you know.
304
00:15:14,506 --> 00:15:16,975
Trust me, if a scammer looked
into your bank account,
305
00:15:17,009 --> 00:15:19,478
they would definitely
set up a GoFundMe page for you.
306
00:15:19,511 --> 00:15:24,516
I mean, do you actually think this woman
is gonna give away $15 billion to 15 people
307
00:15:24,551 --> 00:15:26,418
and all you have to do
is send out a text?
308
00:15:26,452 --> 00:15:29,154
- Yes.
- Are you serious?
309
00:15:29,188 --> 00:15:31,490
- Yes.
- Why are you so gullible?
310
00:15:31,523 --> 00:15:35,093
Oh, my God. You are the most gullible
guy I have ever dated in my entire life.
311
00:15:35,127 --> 00:15:38,096
You are not like James Evans.
You are not like Carl Winslow.
312
00:15:38,130 --> 00:15:42,067
You are not like Cliff Huxtable, and you
are definitely not like Philip Banks.
313
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:43,502
You know who you're like?
314
00:15:43,536 --> 00:15:47,206
You're like, um,
Ben Stiller in The Waterboy.
315
00:15:47,239 --> 00:15:48,440
That's who you're like.
316
00:15:50,710 --> 00:15:53,512
- That was Adam Sandler.
- Same white boys.
317
00:15:59,686 --> 00:16:02,454
So life gonna keep
whaling on me, right?
318
00:16:02,488 --> 00:16:04,289
Having me always broke.
319
00:16:06,793 --> 00:16:08,393
Think we might...
320
00:16:14,601 --> 00:16:17,436
Oh, my God. Baby, it's 5:00 a.m.
What are you doing?
321
00:16:18,070 --> 00:16:22,107
Baby, this is me focusing.
322
00:16:22,140 --> 00:16:25,979
This is me willing
into existence
323
00:16:26,713 --> 00:16:27,814
my billion dollars.
324
00:16:27,847 --> 00:16:29,749
That's why
I need some...
325
00:16:29,782 --> 00:16:32,619
Get me my money.
326
00:16:32,652 --> 00:16:34,453
Don't matter how long it takes.
327
00:16:34,486 --> 00:16:37,155
- I'm gonna beat up all day.
- Okay, but, did you send the text?
328
00:16:37,189 --> 00:16:39,124
- Did you send it?
- Did I send it?
329
00:16:40,527 --> 00:16:43,161
Can you help me take
this off please? Thank you.
330
00:16:43,195 --> 00:16:44,564
But you sent the text, right?
331
00:16:44,597 --> 00:16:49,167
Baby, I sent that text
over a week ago,
332
00:16:49,201 --> 00:16:50,670
and I must tell you...
333
00:16:53,305 --> 00:16:55,708
All of this waiting has aged me
for at least 20 years.
334
00:16:55,742 --> 00:16:58,545
You see, that's why
I'm just trying to... Hmm.
335
00:16:58,578 --> 00:17:00,412
- Okay, calm down, baby.
- Hmm, hmm.
336
00:17:00,445 --> 00:17:01,614
Baby, calm down.
337
00:17:01,648 --> 00:17:03,282
It's okay, just breathe.
338
00:17:04,283 --> 00:17:06,385
I'm here for you.
339
00:17:06,418 --> 00:17:08,220
Everything's gonna be okay.
340
00:17:08,253 --> 00:17:09,321
Right.
341
00:17:09,354 --> 00:17:10,790
We just gotta...
342
00:17:10,823 --> 00:17:13,492
refocus your mind,
you know, and just,
343
00:17:13,525 --> 00:17:15,762
start thinking thoughts like,
344
00:17:15,795 --> 00:17:19,264
if you did win
this billion dollars,
345
00:17:19,298 --> 00:17:21,734
what would you do with it?
346
00:17:21,768 --> 00:17:25,070
- If I did win a billion dollars... If I did.
- Right? Yeah.
347
00:17:25,672 --> 00:17:26,773
That's a good question.
348
00:17:29,141 --> 00:17:32,679
Hmm, what would I do?
349
00:17:32,712 --> 00:17:35,715
Let's make this quick.
So, as we agreed, here's 300K.
350
00:17:35,748 --> 00:17:38,450
She works downtown
at the Diamond Shoe Store.
351
00:17:38,483 --> 00:17:40,853
She usually takes
her lunch break around 2:00.
352
00:17:40,887 --> 00:17:42,789
But I know for a fact
she gets off at 9:00.
353
00:17:42,822 --> 00:17:47,292
Just make that shit clean,
all right? Y'all be smooth.
354
00:17:47,326 --> 00:17:50,429
Oh, baby, I will buy you the biggest
house that money could possibly buy.
355
00:17:50,462 --> 00:17:52,397
- Are you serious?
- I'm so serious.
356
00:17:52,431 --> 00:17:53,800
Oh, baby.
357
00:17:53,833 --> 00:17:55,868
- Hey? Yes.
- What?
358
00:17:55,902 --> 00:17:57,202
Baby...
359
00:17:58,303 --> 00:17:59,572
What would you do?
360
00:17:59,606 --> 00:18:01,574
- What would I do?
- Yeah?
361
00:18:01,608 --> 00:18:04,544
Um, I don't know.
362
00:18:15,722 --> 00:18:19,291
Uh, you and I,
we would sail all over the world.
363
00:18:19,324 --> 00:18:23,362
You know?
Ooh, making love all day,
364
00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:26,566
eating fresh fruits and vegetables
and fish right out the ocean.
365
00:18:26,599 --> 00:18:28,735
We would be living
our best life.
366
00:18:28,768 --> 00:18:30,903
No. Like, seriously,
what would you really do?
367
00:18:30,937 --> 00:18:32,672
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
368
00:18:32,705 --> 00:18:33,906
Okay, you go first.
369
00:18:34,841 --> 00:18:37,242
Shit, I'd probably
have your ass whacked.
370
00:18:37,275 --> 00:18:39,746
Yeah, I'd be on a island
with a Idris Elba-type.
371
00:18:39,779 --> 00:18:41,581
Mm. Yeah, I figured that.
372
00:18:41,614 --> 00:18:43,616
But, baby, if we had
white people money,
373
00:18:43,650 --> 00:18:45,283
it would be amazing!
374
00:18:45,317 --> 00:18:47,720
- See, baby, you're seeing my vision, baby.
- Yes, I do.
375
00:18:47,754 --> 00:18:49,956
- Right?
- I really, really do. I do.
376
00:18:49,989 --> 00:18:54,259
Yes, and I just have
to focus my mind, you know.
377
00:18:54,292 --> 00:18:56,194
Just positive thinking. Just...
378
00:18:56,228 --> 00:18:57,930
Positive. Yeah, right.
379
00:18:57,964 --> 00:19:00,700
Like, we take all of the negative energy, right,
380
00:19:00,733 --> 00:19:02,535
we put it here in our hands,
ball it up.
381
00:19:02,568 --> 00:19:03,970
Help me ball it up,
help me ball it up,
382
00:19:04,003 --> 00:19:06,706
- and we take it and we put it right in the open. Boom.
- There it is.
383
00:19:06,739 --> 00:19:08,675
- Now, the house is filled with positivity, right?
- Okay.
384
00:19:08,708 --> 00:19:10,308
- I feel it.
- I feel it.
385
00:19:10,342 --> 00:19:11,611
- Ooh.
- I feel it.
386
00:19:11,644 --> 00:19:14,379
- Oh, I love you, boy.
- I love you, too, baby.
387
00:19:14,413 --> 00:19:17,516
All this positive thinking
388
00:19:17,550 --> 00:19:19,652
has me wanting
to make love right now.
389
00:19:19,686 --> 00:19:21,520
Oh, yeah? Right now, right now?
390
00:19:21,554 --> 00:19:22,521
All sweaty.
391
00:19:22,555 --> 00:19:25,591
So, let's go upstairs
so I can ha, ha, ha, ha.
392
00:19:25,625 --> 00:19:27,627
Come here,
I'll give it to you right now.
393
00:19:27,660 --> 00:19:32,230
Now, yes, give it to me.
Oh, yes, yes, yes. So good, um...
394
00:19:32,264 --> 00:19:34,600
Ooh. No, no, no, no...
395
00:19:34,634 --> 00:19:36,602
No, no, no, I got you,
I got you, I got you.
396
00:19:36,636 --> 00:19:38,403
- Baby. Oh, man.
- Aw...
397
00:19:39,539 --> 00:19:41,506
This is
Kareem Malik Johnson.
398
00:19:47,914 --> 00:19:49,615
Y'all not playing
with me, right?
399
00:19:49,649 --> 00:19:51,349
Who is it?
400
00:19:51,383 --> 00:19:52,451
Who is it?
401
00:19:52,484 --> 00:19:55,387
Okay, so, um,
what do I have to do?
402
00:19:58,624 --> 00:20:00,525
Oh, shi... Okay.
I'm on my way right now.
403
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,260
I was just about
to give my girl that thing.
404
00:20:02,294 --> 00:20:04,864
Thank you. Okay, so, listen,
y'all not going nowhere, right?
405
00:20:04,897 --> 00:20:07,365
I'm on my way right now.
Y'all are not going nowhere?
406
00:20:07,399 --> 00:20:10,502
Okay, wait, I don't wanna
be on nobody's news.
407
00:20:10,536 --> 00:20:12,872
Any way y'all could cash out me
the billion dollars?
408
00:20:12,905 --> 00:20:14,006
Oh, my God!
409
00:20:15,307 --> 00:20:17,442
No. Okay, uh, QuickPay.
410
00:20:18,711 --> 00:20:20,113
Shh...
411
00:20:20,146 --> 00:20:22,882
Any way you can send somebody over
with the paperwork to my apartment?
412
00:20:22,915 --> 00:20:24,349
Sending somebody?
413
00:20:25,084 --> 00:20:27,720
Ah, thank you...
414
00:20:27,754 --> 00:20:29,989
- What, what what... what did they say?
- Whoo! Baby...
415
00:20:30,022 --> 00:20:32,692
- Yes? Yes? Yes?
- We are billionaires!
416
00:20:34,927 --> 00:20:36,461
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!
417
00:20:36,495 --> 00:20:37,697
- We're rich, we're rich.
- We're rich.
418
00:20:37,730 --> 00:20:38,731
- Okay, don't lie to me, don't lie to me.
- I ain't lying.
419
00:20:38,765 --> 00:20:41,067
- Don't lie to me.
- I ain't lying. I ain't lying.
420
00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:43,368
Okay, look me in my eyes,
tell me that we are...
421
00:20:43,401 --> 00:20:46,438
Baby, we are billionaires!
422
00:20:46,471 --> 00:20:48,574
Oh, my mama! Oh, my mama!
423
00:20:48,608 --> 00:20:50,308
Baby, I love you, oh, my God!
424
00:20:56,015 --> 00:20:57,650
- Hey, hey, hey...
- What? What?
425
00:20:57,683 --> 00:21:00,385
Billionaire, billionaire,
billionaire, billionaire, go!
426
00:21:01,821 --> 00:21:04,023
- Oh, we gotta do this. Hell no, we gotta do this.
- Give it to me.
427
00:21:04,056 --> 00:21:05,825
- Give it to me right now.
- Come on, right now.
428
00:21:05,858 --> 00:21:07,292
- From the side, from the side.
- Get it!
429
00:21:07,325 --> 00:21:10,495
From the side. Hell yeah. All right,
just give me a second. You ready?
430
00:21:10,530 --> 00:21:12,765
- Oh, my God, we're doing it. Ah!
- Yes!
431
00:21:13,699 --> 00:21:15,333
Oh...
432
00:21:15,367 --> 00:21:16,836
Do you know what time it is?
433
00:21:16,869 --> 00:21:18,336
I don't know.
434
00:21:18,370 --> 00:21:20,873
- Been out here for at least 30 minutes.
- Oh.
435
00:21:20,907 --> 00:21:22,642
Do you think
they really gonna come?
436
00:21:22,675 --> 00:21:25,678
Look, all I know is I can't wait
to tell my mama and daddy.
437
00:21:25,711 --> 00:21:28,346
And when I get to work today,
I'm 'bout to fire myself
438
00:21:28,380 --> 00:21:30,783
because these jobs,
they work us too hard anyway, right?
439
00:21:30,817 --> 00:21:33,786
Eh... You see? That's why
I asked them to come here.
440
00:21:33,820 --> 00:21:35,888
No one can ever know
about this money.
441
00:21:36,789 --> 00:21:37,857
Why?
442
00:21:39,491 --> 00:21:41,527
Because Black people be begging.
443
00:21:41,561 --> 00:21:43,863
The moment we let the cat out
the bag that we're billionaires,
444
00:21:43,896 --> 00:21:45,598
you're gonna have
blocks and blocks of people
445
00:21:45,631 --> 00:21:46,999
lined up with their hands out
like cups.
446
00:21:47,033 --> 00:21:48,734
I can already
hear my mama right now
447
00:21:48,768 --> 00:21:50,502
begging me to buy her
pastor that new Bentley,
448
00:21:50,536 --> 00:21:54,140
and your daddy begging me to buy him them
false-ass teeth he been praying to Jesus for.
449
00:21:54,173 --> 00:21:56,508
Okay, so, you not gonna
get your mama nothing?
450
00:21:56,542 --> 00:21:58,077
I mean, shit, I'm gonna
get her a little something,
451
00:21:58,110 --> 00:21:59,679
but you know my momma
ain't like me in years,
452
00:21:59,712 --> 00:22:01,647
ever since I stole
that weed out her purse.
453
00:22:01,681 --> 00:22:03,415
Okay, well, I'm buying
my mama and daddy
454
00:22:03,448 --> 00:22:04,917
and getting them out the hood
with my half.
455
00:22:05,751 --> 00:22:06,786
Yes, I am.
456
00:22:06,819 --> 00:22:08,154
Wait, your half?
457
00:22:08,187 --> 00:22:09,989
Yeah, baby, we fifty-fifty.
458
00:22:10,022 --> 00:22:11,090
Okay, listen.
459
00:22:12,592 --> 00:22:14,961
We're gonna
keep this place as our decoy.
460
00:22:14,994 --> 00:22:18,164
But we are gonna buy
a mansion that no one,
461
00:22:18,197 --> 00:22:20,166
and I do mean no one
can know about.
462
00:22:20,199 --> 00:22:22,869
Not our mamas, daddies, cousins,
463
00:22:22,902 --> 00:22:24,804
uncles, aunties, friends,
464
00:22:24,837 --> 00:22:26,639
co-workers, enemies,
etcetera, etcetera.
465
00:22:26,672 --> 00:22:28,708
As far as they know,
this is where we live.
466
00:22:29,542 --> 00:22:32,410
Baby, we're billionaires,
467
00:22:32,444 --> 00:22:35,615
and it is important for us to hide
that from the rest of the world
468
00:22:35,648 --> 00:22:37,984
or we will be broke.
Do you understand?
469
00:22:39,919 --> 00:22:41,087
No.
470
00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:44,090
What is the point of being a
billionaire if nobody knows?
471
00:22:44,123 --> 00:22:45,591
Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay...
472
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,528
To keep our money.
473
00:22:50,696 --> 00:22:52,031
Look at me.
474
00:22:52,064 --> 00:22:53,065
Baby, look at me.
475
00:22:53,966 --> 00:22:55,835
Do you trust me?
476
00:22:55,868 --> 00:22:58,938
I mean, since I willed us a
billion dollars, do you trust me?
477
00:23:00,139 --> 00:23:02,507
Yeah, I guess. I do.
478
00:23:04,777 --> 00:23:07,146
All right, so,
when do we move into this mansion,
479
00:23:07,179 --> 00:23:09,115
and how often can we stay there?
480
00:23:09,148 --> 00:23:10,616
Everyday.
481
00:23:10,650 --> 00:23:12,184
Baby, this place is our decoy.
482
00:23:12,218 --> 00:23:14,720
When people come to visit us,
they come here.
483
00:23:14,754 --> 00:23:18,423
No one can ever know
about this money.
484
00:23:19,759 --> 00:23:21,794
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay? Right.
485
00:23:21,827 --> 00:23:23,129
- I get it.
- All right.
486
00:23:23,162 --> 00:23:24,230
- No one.
- All right.
487
00:23:24,263 --> 00:23:25,831
Where the fuck is this man at?
488
00:23:25,865 --> 00:23:27,733
Man...
489
00:23:27,767 --> 00:23:30,569
Oh, my Gosh,
Just out here waiting.
490
00:23:30,603 --> 00:23:32,204
Exactly.
That's what I'm saying.
491
00:23:32,238 --> 00:23:34,674
Wait. Is that them? Right there.
492
00:23:34,707 --> 00:23:35,808
Oh, shit, baby, it is.
493
00:23:35,841 --> 00:23:37,810
- Yeah, he pulling up, he pulling up.
- Oh, my God!
494
00:23:37,843 --> 00:23:39,812
- Cool, baby, calm down.
- How's my hair? How's my hair?
495
00:23:39,845 --> 00:23:41,747
- Fantastic, okay?
- Okay.
496
00:23:41,781 --> 00:23:43,983
- He's coming. Should we smile?
- Oh, yeah, smile.
497
00:23:44,016 --> 00:23:46,218
- Smile, cheese? Okay, come on, let's cheese.
- Mm-hmm.
498
00:23:46,252 --> 00:23:48,220
- Wave. Should we wave? Atta wave.
- Wave.
499
00:23:48,254 --> 00:23:50,455
- Act natural
- Natural.
500
00:23:53,759 --> 00:23:54,794
- Guys.
- Hey!
501
00:23:54,827 --> 00:23:56,595
Hey. Nora, Kareem, I take it?
502
00:23:56,629 --> 00:23:58,064
- Yes, yes.
- Hi.
503
00:23:58,097 --> 00:24:00,498
Hi, I'm Brandon. Brandon Amos.
504
00:24:00,533 --> 00:24:03,970
- How're you doing, Brandon?
- Not to be confused with Famous Amos.
505
00:24:04,003 --> 00:24:05,237
Oh.
506
00:24:05,271 --> 00:24:07,505
I loved those cookies.
Boy, when they were black-owned...
507
00:24:07,540 --> 00:24:08,841
- Anyway...
- Indeed.
508
00:24:08,874 --> 00:24:11,210
Uh, I'm here to get your paperwork
and get you guys paid out.
509
00:24:11,243 --> 00:24:12,510
- All right.
- Yeah, and, um...
510
00:24:12,545 --> 00:24:14,046
Yeah, take care
of that business,
511
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:15,781
and then you guys will be rich!
512
00:24:15,815 --> 00:24:16,882
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
513
00:24:16,916 --> 00:24:19,218
- Yes.
- So let me hold the envelope on this side
514
00:24:19,251 --> 00:24:21,020
and you can hand it
right over to me.
515
00:24:21,053 --> 00:24:23,089
- Whatever. I don't...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah you can just...
516
00:24:23,122 --> 00:24:24,890
You know, who knows
who runs the household?
517
00:24:24,924 --> 00:24:26,258
You know what,
this is what I'd do.
518
00:24:26,292 --> 00:24:29,128
I'd just snatch that right out your hand.
How about right there?
519
00:24:29,161 --> 00:24:30,830
Okay, let me just...
520
00:24:30,863 --> 00:24:32,531
stare at it in the sun one time.
521
00:24:32,565 --> 00:24:33,766
Oh, yeah. That's a beautiful...
522
00:24:33,799 --> 00:24:36,302
It's all there. I assure you.
523
00:24:36,335 --> 00:24:38,571
In fact, can I get a selfie?
You guys mind?
524
00:24:39,638 --> 00:24:41,674
Uh, yeah, that should be fine.
525
00:24:41,707 --> 00:24:44,610
We just don't want to end up,
on, like, the media and the news,
526
00:24:44,643 --> 00:24:48,014
like Fox, CNN, ABC,
and all that funny business.
527
00:24:48,047 --> 00:24:49,081
Yeah, I get it.
528
00:24:49,115 --> 00:24:51,951
I get it, 'cause you know,
Black people be begging.
529
00:24:51,984 --> 00:24:53,886
See?
530
00:24:53,919 --> 00:24:56,789
All right, I do want to tell you,
though, that the Black dollar
531
00:24:56,822 --> 00:24:59,759
only circulates, like,
six hours in a community. So I...
532
00:24:59,792 --> 00:25:03,796
I fully expect you two Negroes to be
right back on the unemployment line soon.
533
00:25:03,829 --> 00:25:06,699
Come on, let's get this photo.
534
00:25:06,732 --> 00:25:07,867
All right.
535
00:25:20,646 --> 00:25:22,782
Where we going?
To the mansion.
536
00:25:22,815 --> 00:25:24,884
Hey, guess what? I want you...
537
00:25:24,917 --> 00:25:26,352
Ey! Ey! Do I look...
538
00:25:29,655 --> 00:25:31,757
Oh, I'm so excited
we bought this house.
539
00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:33,225
- Look at us, baby.
- Thank you, baby.
540
00:25:37,696 --> 00:25:38,998
Baby, this is...
541
00:25:44,737 --> 00:25:45,838
Baby?
542
00:25:47,173 --> 00:25:48,841
No.
543
00:26:04,690 --> 00:26:07,059
Now, why did I have to learn
544
00:26:07,093 --> 00:26:09,261
that you guys are billionaires
545
00:26:09,295 --> 00:26:10,262
via social media?
546
00:26:10,296 --> 00:26:14,867
I only need $500 million.
It's for the store.
547
00:26:14,900 --> 00:26:15,935
Don't worry.
548
00:26:15,968 --> 00:26:18,270
I have made you a partner.
549
00:26:18,304 --> 00:26:19,338
Congratulations.
550
00:26:19,371 --> 00:26:20,372
Let's hear it, everyone.
551
00:26:20,406 --> 00:26:23,776
You know, Pastor is expecting
that new Bentley.
552
00:26:23,809 --> 00:26:24,844
I just want an island.
553
00:26:26,212 --> 00:26:28,414
Now I can get the teeth
I prayed to Jesus for.
554
00:26:30,883 --> 00:26:32,685
I just want a pair of LeBrons.
555
00:26:32,718 --> 00:26:34,019
Come on, come on, let's go.
556
00:26:34,053 --> 00:26:35,421
Driver, come on, push it.
557
00:26:35,454 --> 00:26:37,690
Come on, push it. Push it.
558
00:26:37,723 --> 00:26:39,859
Load it, bro, come on, fly.
559
00:26:46,165 --> 00:26:47,766
Go upstairs right now.
560
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:49,935
And clean from under the bed so we can
hide under there, okay? Do that right now.
561
00:26:49,969 --> 00:26:51,904
I just don't believe he posted
our winnings on social media.
562
00:26:51,937 --> 00:26:53,172
- That's crazy.
- Man, shit. I know.
563
00:26:53,205 --> 00:26:55,207
I'm gonna need some of that
bread to get his ass whacked.
564
00:26:55,241 --> 00:26:57,243
- I just hope they ain't following.
- Right?
565
00:26:59,211 --> 00:27:01,213
Ooh, yes, yes, look, yes!
Let me see that.
566
00:27:01,247 --> 00:27:02,748
- What? What?
- Let me see that. Let me see.
567
00:27:02,781 --> 00:27:05,151
That's all I need.
Now they really can't get in.
568
00:27:05,184 --> 00:27:06,519
Fool, that is my water bottle.
569
00:27:06,553 --> 00:27:09,421
Like, it doesn't have enough weight
to stop them from getting in.
570
00:27:10,222 --> 00:27:11,690
They don't know that.
571
00:27:12,691 --> 00:27:14,727
- That's not gonna do nothing.
- But you...
572
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:16,262
- Look...
- What?
573
00:27:19,064 --> 00:27:20,332
What?
574
00:27:20,366 --> 00:27:22,034
- So...
- Yes?
575
00:27:22,067 --> 00:27:24,036
We damn near need
to leave the country.
576
00:27:24,069 --> 00:27:25,704
Ooh, that's a good thing.
577
00:27:25,738 --> 00:27:27,973
Like, somewhere like Paris,
you know.
578
00:27:28,007 --> 00:27:30,009
Like... Ooh, oui, oui, bonjour.
579
00:27:30,042 --> 00:27:31,076
- You know?
- No.
580
00:27:31,110 --> 00:27:33,746
You can go to Paris.
I'm taking my ass to Africa.
581
00:27:33,779 --> 00:27:36,315
Why everybody always want to skip over Africa?
582
00:27:41,420 --> 00:27:42,421
Baby...
583
00:27:44,890 --> 00:27:47,326
The hairs on my arm
are standing up and you know...
584
00:27:47,359 --> 00:27:49,261
when the hairs on my arm
come to attention,
585
00:27:49,295 --> 00:27:50,930
that means danger is lurking.
586
00:27:53,999 --> 00:27:56,168
- Baby.
- Yeah, baby?
587
00:27:56,202 --> 00:27:59,004
Why does it feel like there
are two robbers wearing masks
588
00:27:59,038 --> 00:28:00,439
literally lurking behind us?
589
00:28:03,375 --> 00:28:04,476
Because they are, baby.
590
00:28:08,914 --> 00:28:10,316
Oh, God!
591
00:28:10,349 --> 00:28:11,784
Oh, fuck, they all got niggas
teleporting through the atmosphere.
592
00:28:11,817 --> 00:28:12,952
How the fuck
did y'all get in here?
593
00:28:12,985 --> 00:28:16,155
I am warning you, I know
triple, double, black belt,
594
00:28:16,188 --> 00:28:17,890
backward kick with a side
of shrimp fried rice.
595
00:28:17,923 --> 00:28:18,958
- She will...
- Don't play with me.
596
00:28:18,991 --> 00:28:20,826
Good. We have guns
and we'll shoot you,
597
00:28:20,859 --> 00:28:23,495
and the bullets will turn
you both into egg fu young.
598
00:28:23,530 --> 00:28:26,098
Shit, they ain't playing, baby.
599
00:28:26,131 --> 00:28:30,502
Peter, I've got to get my hands on
at least $500 million of that money.
600
00:28:30,537 --> 00:28:32,037
I have to keep
the lights on in here,
601
00:28:32,071 --> 00:28:33,772
or literally,
my wife will lynch me.
602
00:28:33,806 --> 00:28:36,141
Do not tell anyone that.
That is between you and I.
603
00:28:36,175 --> 00:28:38,244
Oh, all right, well,
how are we supposed to do that?
604
00:28:38,277 --> 00:28:39,845
That is why I pay you, Peter,
605
00:28:39,878 --> 00:28:41,880
to tap into the white excellence
of your mind.
606
00:28:41,914 --> 00:28:43,015
You are my triple C,
607
00:28:43,048 --> 00:28:45,117
my Caucasian cataclysmic climax.
608
00:28:45,150 --> 00:28:47,786
I need your ideas, Peter.
609
00:28:48,487 --> 00:28:50,155
Wait a minute.
610
00:28:52,157 --> 00:28:53,627
I have it.
611
00:28:53,660 --> 00:28:57,062
We are gonna make them a soul food
meal and take it to their apartment.
612
00:28:58,163 --> 00:28:59,465
Better yet.
613
00:28:59,498 --> 00:29:02,268
We'll invite them over because
I'm not gonna subject my wife
614
00:29:02,301 --> 00:29:03,737
to the cockroaches
those Blacks have.
615
00:29:03,769 --> 00:29:07,039
As aa matter of fact, have them
decon before they come in the house
616
00:29:07,072 --> 00:29:08,941
because they may have
some in their shoes.
617
00:29:08,974 --> 00:29:10,577
Then, I am gonna
have my wife prepare
618
00:29:10,610 --> 00:29:15,080
the most amazing soul food meal
in the history of soul food meals
619
00:29:15,114 --> 00:29:17,550
no Black person
would ever be able to resist.
620
00:29:17,584 --> 00:29:20,252
I am talking
about fried chicken.
621
00:29:20,286 --> 00:29:22,087
Mm, delicious.
622
00:29:22,121 --> 00:29:24,390
Corn bread and collard greens.
623
00:29:24,423 --> 00:29:25,924
Jesus take the wheel.
624
00:29:25,958 --> 00:29:27,960
Black-eyed peas.
625
00:29:27,993 --> 00:29:29,495
Oh, I'm bringing
the hot sauce, baby.
626
00:29:29,529 --> 00:29:32,064
Yams, cabbage,
627
00:29:32,097 --> 00:29:34,833
chitterlings that make you
shake, baby,
628
00:29:34,867 --> 00:29:36,603
shake, baby, your butt stink!
629
00:29:36,636 --> 00:29:38,504
- This is brilliant, Darryl.
- Yes!
630
00:29:38,538 --> 00:29:41,541
You're a genius. I see what you're
doing, and this is freaking genius.
631
00:29:41,574 --> 00:29:43,976
Oh, Peter,
when you see brilliance,
632
00:29:44,009 --> 00:29:47,479
you recognize it and you're like
"Calgon, take me away!"
633
00:29:47,513 --> 00:29:49,114
You see
where I'm going with this.
634
00:29:49,148 --> 00:29:50,949
Oh, I see where
you're going with this.
635
00:29:50,983 --> 00:29:53,285
You're going to assassinate
both of them
636
00:29:53,319 --> 00:29:55,321
by giving them a heart attack.
637
00:29:55,354 --> 00:29:56,690
It's brilliant.
638
00:29:56,723 --> 00:30:00,225
Nothing kills Black people more
than soul food and the police.
639
00:30:00,259 --> 00:30:01,594
What?
640
00:30:01,628 --> 00:30:05,431
Nothing kills Black people more
than soul food and the police?
641
00:30:05,464 --> 00:30:08,367
No. Peter, walk with me.
642
00:30:10,035 --> 00:30:13,238
Sorry, but you are planning
an insurance scam, right?
643
00:30:13,272 --> 00:30:15,908
No insurance scams, Peter.
You want to get written up?
644
00:30:15,941 --> 00:30:18,210
- No, I don't...
- Close it. Right?
645
00:30:18,243 --> 00:30:19,478
That all I need you to do.
646
00:30:19,511 --> 00:30:22,047
I... I am the brilliant one.
647
00:30:22,081 --> 00:30:23,916
I. Thank you.
648
00:30:23,949 --> 00:30:26,553
Walk with me to excellence. Ha!
649
00:30:27,353 --> 00:30:28,320
Peter, Peter.
650
00:30:28,354 --> 00:30:30,222
Peter Piper picked a peck
of pickled peppers.
651
00:30:30,255 --> 00:30:32,524
Now, if Peter Piper picked
a peck of pickled peppers,
652
00:30:32,559 --> 00:30:34,360
where's the peck
that Peter Piper picked?
653
00:30:35,260 --> 00:30:36,161
Never mind, Peter.
654
00:30:36,195 --> 00:30:37,564
What I'm trying to get you
to understand
655
00:30:37,597 --> 00:30:42,034
is that Black people do not kill
one another for insurance money.
656
00:30:42,067 --> 00:30:46,271
Well, all I'm saying is my auntie
has been married, like, six times
657
00:30:46,305 --> 00:30:49,341
and she's knocked off each one of
her husbands for the insurance money,
658
00:30:49,375 --> 00:30:54,581
and no one has questioned her
about a thing.
659
00:30:54,614 --> 00:30:56,616
- Are you serious, Peter?
- What's your plan?
660
00:30:59,184 --> 00:31:04,390
I am gonna kill them
with sweet, sincere kindness.
661
00:31:04,423 --> 00:31:10,329
I'm gonna have my wife
prepare the soul food meal.
662
00:31:11,230 --> 00:31:12,431
Like ASAP, huh.
663
00:31:12,464 --> 00:31:16,502
Yes, yes, the things we do as entrepreneurs.
664
00:31:17,970 --> 00:31:21,073
Hello, my queen.
Yes, darling. My Snow White.
665
00:31:21,106 --> 00:31:22,842
I need a favor.
666
00:31:22,876 --> 00:31:28,715
I need for you to prepare the absolute best
soul food meal you have prepared in your life,
667
00:31:28,748 --> 00:31:31,016
and I need it done by 5:00.
668
00:31:31,049 --> 00:31:34,953
Well, let's just say
we're having guests.
669
00:31:36,054 --> 00:31:37,590
Yes. No, sweetie, come on.
670
00:31:37,624 --> 00:31:39,391
I'm highly allergic
to cockroaches.
671
00:31:39,425 --> 00:31:41,493
There's no way I'm gonna
put you through that,
672
00:31:41,528 --> 00:31:45,565
have them Blacks bring
those freaking roaches over, no.
673
00:31:45,598 --> 00:31:47,299
Come on. Come on.
674
00:31:47,332 --> 00:31:49,134
Yes, do me a favor.
675
00:31:49,168 --> 00:31:51,203
Have the seven dwarves help you.
676
00:31:51,236 --> 00:31:53,238
All right?
Yes, yes, yes.
677
00:31:53,272 --> 00:31:54,707
Wear your daishiki.
678
00:31:54,741 --> 00:31:56,576
Best one you got, okay?
679
00:31:56,609 --> 00:31:58,277
If you need
I can bring you another.
680
00:31:58,310 --> 00:32:01,146
Look good. Okay, love you.
Okay, bye.
681
00:32:04,049 --> 00:32:05,451
I just want some red bones.
682
00:32:06,653 --> 00:32:08,454
Neck bones, Peter.
683
00:32:08,487 --> 00:32:09,521
- Neck bones.
- Neck bones.
684
00:32:09,556 --> 00:32:10,590
- Those, yep.
- Okay, get it right.
685
00:32:10,623 --> 00:32:12,024
Get it right. Come on.
686
00:32:12,057 --> 00:32:13,425
- I have a question.
- Please.
687
00:32:14,526 --> 00:32:17,029
- What are chitlins?
- Chitterlings.
688
00:32:17,062 --> 00:32:18,230
Chitterlings.
Chitterlings.
689
00:32:18,263 --> 00:32:20,399
Chitter, chitter, chitterlings.
690
00:32:20,432 --> 00:32:22,167
And Black people
say "chitlins" sometimes.
691
00:32:22,201 --> 00:32:24,102
But really, it's pronunciated
692
00:32:24,136 --> 00:32:26,673
and... and... and spelled
chit... chitter... chitterlings.
693
00:32:26,706 --> 00:32:28,173
Chitterlings.
694
00:32:28,207 --> 00:32:30,743
No. Just forget it, Peter.
695
00:32:30,777 --> 00:32:33,445
Just... Oh, my God.
696
00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:37,650
- Baby...
- Yeah, baby?
697
00:32:37,684 --> 00:32:39,418
They're gonna kill us.
698
00:32:39,451 --> 00:32:42,254
Because they're
showing us their faces?
699
00:32:48,060 --> 00:32:50,128
Oh, no.
700
00:32:50,162 --> 00:32:51,731
Listen, okay, we gotta pray.
701
00:32:51,764 --> 00:32:53,666
- We just need to pray.
- Pray?
702
00:32:53,700 --> 00:32:56,068
- Let's pray, let's pray.
- Let's pray.
703
00:32:56,101 --> 00:32:58,504
Shabaka, Shabaka, Shabaka.
704
00:32:58,538 --> 00:33:00,640
Oh, God! Jesus.
705
00:33:00,673 --> 00:33:02,441
I have been such
a good Christian.
706
00:33:02,474 --> 00:33:05,511
- Yes, Lord.
- Please don't make me die like this.
707
00:33:05,545 --> 00:33:08,113
You know what?
Just take Kareem,
708
00:33:08,146 --> 00:33:11,316
'cause I never see him talk
to you anyway, you know.
709
00:33:12,317 --> 00:33:14,554
- In the name of Yeshua...
- What?
710
00:33:14,587 --> 00:33:16,221
Amen.
711
00:33:16,255 --> 00:33:18,825
Yeshua, Yeshua,
Shabaka, Shabaka.
712
00:33:18,858 --> 00:33:21,093
Put your hands up.
713
00:33:22,127 --> 00:33:24,831
We took off our masks
because we want our faces
714
00:33:24,864 --> 00:33:27,499
to be shown
on this TV show, too.
715
00:33:27,534 --> 00:33:30,168
- This ain't all about y'all.
- (MOUTHS) Hi, Mom!
716
00:33:30,202 --> 00:33:31,236
- My mama...
- You!
717
00:33:31,270 --> 00:33:34,306
Okay, obviously, you guys
are not fucking around,
718
00:33:34,339 --> 00:33:39,679
so my mama be here in an hour to
pick up some squares and some bread.
719
00:33:39,712 --> 00:33:42,147
And she told me I couldn't have
any company, so...
720
00:33:43,883 --> 00:33:45,718
I'm gonna need y'all to leave,
721
00:33:45,752 --> 00:33:47,085
so y'all don't get me
in trouble.
722
00:33:47,119 --> 00:33:48,120
Sit!
723
00:33:49,556 --> 00:33:51,223
Come on, man, you gonna
get me in trouble, bro.
724
00:33:51,256 --> 00:33:53,191
She be whooping me
with extension cords...
725
00:33:53,225 --> 00:33:56,395
Shut your mouth
before I put a bullet in it.
726
00:34:01,133 --> 00:34:03,235
I'm calling DCFS
on both of them.
727
00:34:03,268 --> 00:34:05,137
Yeah, can I make a suggestion?
728
00:34:05,170 --> 00:34:06,739
- What?
- Yeah.
729
00:34:06,773 --> 00:34:08,741
Just... just a suggestion.
Here...
730
00:34:08,775 --> 00:34:10,877
You know, 'cause I wanna show
them...
731
00:34:10,910 --> 00:34:13,780
I used to dibble and dabble
a little acting, you know,
732
00:34:13,813 --> 00:34:16,616
and, um, when you say that line,
733
00:34:16,649 --> 00:34:18,785
"Shut up
before I put a bullet in it"?
734
00:34:18,818 --> 00:34:19,786
Yeah, that one right there.
735
00:34:19,819 --> 00:34:22,889
I would put some more
Blaxploitation on it.
736
00:34:22,922 --> 00:34:24,557
- What the fuck?
- A little more twang.
737
00:34:24,591 --> 00:34:26,224
Okay, let me show you.
Let me show you.
738
00:34:26,258 --> 00:34:27,526
- Give me the gun.
- Okay.
739
00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:29,328
Uh, no, are you crazy?
740
00:34:29,361 --> 00:34:31,229
I'm gonna give it back.
741
00:34:31,263 --> 00:34:32,865
Give it to me...
742
00:34:41,841 --> 00:34:44,176
- Okay...
- Stop! Stop pointing the gun at me.
743
00:34:44,209 --> 00:34:46,679
- Baby, it is acting.
- It's a real gun.
744
00:34:46,713 --> 00:34:48,681
- Oh, my gosh, don't be so...
- Stop! Come on!
745
00:34:50,650 --> 00:34:53,886
Okay, now let me
demonstrate that line.
746
00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:57,489
Shut up, uh,
before I put a bullet in it,
747
00:34:57,522 --> 00:34:59,424
you jive turkey.
748
00:35:00,325 --> 00:35:01,861
Give me back my damn gun.
749
00:35:02,461 --> 00:35:04,396
Ooh!
750
00:35:04,429 --> 00:35:07,600
Okay. Be careful. I am delicate,
and there are no stunt doubles over here.
751
00:35:07,634 --> 00:35:09,869
How come you ain't
just hand me the gun?
752
00:35:09,902 --> 00:35:12,504
Well, because I told her
I was gonna give it back to her.
753
00:35:12,538 --> 00:35:14,841
I mean, what, you trying to sit
here and make me out to be a liar
754
00:35:14,874 --> 00:35:16,809
after we just prayed together?
755
00:35:16,843 --> 00:35:18,845
You know,
you going to hell, Kareem.
756
00:35:21,748 --> 00:35:24,550
So what do y'all want from us?
757
00:35:25,217 --> 00:35:26,586
What do we want?
758
00:35:26,619 --> 00:35:28,755
- We want white people money.
- Right.
759
00:35:28,788 --> 00:35:29,889
And you won it.
760
00:35:30,556 --> 00:35:32,759
Now, don't I look real scary?
761
00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:35,928
- Yeah, you look really scary.
- You look like...
762
00:35:35,962 --> 00:35:37,697
You look like you live
with your mama.
763
00:35:37,730 --> 00:35:39,431
...you work
at a gas station, actually.
764
00:35:39,464 --> 00:35:41,668
I do still live with my mumma.
765
00:35:41,701 --> 00:35:44,169
But if I had white people money,
I wouldn't.
766
00:35:46,773 --> 00:35:48,574
Now, we're not greedy.
767
00:35:48,608 --> 00:35:51,611
We know y'all have
a little under a billion
768
00:35:51,644 --> 00:35:54,513
because y'all... Y'all
had to move everyone out the hood.
769
00:35:54,547 --> 00:35:56,949
So we just want ten million
to split between us.
770
00:35:56,983 --> 00:35:58,483
Mm-hmm.
771
00:35:58,517 --> 00:36:04,289
This man just went from sounding like
Saddam Hussein to fucking Tom Brady.
772
00:36:04,322 --> 00:36:05,658
I'm confused.
773
00:36:05,692 --> 00:36:09,996
Are you from Benghazi
or Deerfield, Illinois?
774
00:36:10,029 --> 00:36:12,665
And what are y'all gonna do
with $10 million?
775
00:36:12,699 --> 00:36:14,000
To split.
776
00:36:14,033 --> 00:36:16,234
I'm gonna use it
to move back to my country.
777
00:36:16,836 --> 00:36:18,236
Back to your country?
778
00:36:20,272 --> 00:36:21,741
Which is what?
779
00:36:21,774 --> 00:36:23,241
Afghanistan.
780
00:36:23,275 --> 00:36:24,509
"Afghanistan."
781
00:36:24,544 --> 00:36:26,679
US done messed them
over so much, bro.
782
00:36:26,713 --> 00:36:31,416
You could probably get the whole country
for about $9.99 at a discount price.
783
00:36:31,450 --> 00:36:32,685
Exactly.
784
00:36:32,719 --> 00:36:35,320
But don't I look real scary?
785
00:36:35,353 --> 00:36:37,924
Okay, why do you guys
keep asking if you look scary?
786
00:36:37,957 --> 00:36:41,393
- Yeah.
- I mean, yes, okay, you have guns.
787
00:36:41,426 --> 00:36:42,494
We're not used to that.
788
00:36:42,528 --> 00:36:44,597
So, yes, you both look
very scary with those guns.
789
00:36:44,630 --> 00:36:46,498
He keeps asking
doesn't he look scary
790
00:36:46,532 --> 00:36:48,801
because he put a lot
of dark eyeliner on his eyes
791
00:36:48,835 --> 00:36:52,538
to look like how Hollywood
portrays "terrorists"
792
00:36:52,572 --> 00:36:53,740
in all their movies.
793
00:36:56,576 --> 00:36:58,544
So don't I look scary?
794
00:36:58,578 --> 00:37:00,713
You look like you work
at a gas station,
795
00:37:00,747 --> 00:37:02,915
- and you might as well just shoot Nora right now.
- What?
796
00:37:02,949 --> 00:37:04,917
'Cause I'm not giving up
$10 million.
797
00:37:04,951 --> 00:37:07,452
"A gas station"?
You're stereotyping me?
798
00:37:07,486 --> 00:37:09,555
I should shoot the black
off your face.
799
00:37:09,589 --> 00:37:12,424
Don't shoot him yet, Jermaine.
800
00:37:13,391 --> 00:37:15,393
Wait, hold on.
801
00:37:15,427 --> 00:37:17,462
Hold on
one cotton-picking minute.
802
00:37:17,496 --> 00:37:18,497
What is your name?
803
00:37:20,398 --> 00:37:22,001
- Jermaine...
- Right?
804
00:37:22,034 --> 00:37:24,937
Oh, like Jermaine Jackson?
805
00:37:24,971 --> 00:37:26,973
Jermaine Jefferson.
806
00:37:28,507 --> 00:37:29,942
Leave me alone.
807
00:37:29,976 --> 00:37:33,345
Now, who makes the money
decisions around this beast?
808
00:37:33,378 --> 00:37:38,350
Is it Uncle Ben or Aunt Jemimah
without the do-rag?
809
00:37:38,383 --> 00:37:40,553
- Oh.
- Hey, man, that's some racist-ass shit.
810
00:37:40,586 --> 00:37:43,055
- That's for the gas station joke.
- That was racist.
811
00:37:43,089 --> 00:37:47,760
Now, what do we have to do to get our
fair share of this white people money.
812
00:37:47,794 --> 00:37:49,128
Do I have to shoot you
in your leg
813
00:37:49,162 --> 00:37:52,698
or do I have to kill your baby
mama to show you I'm not playing.
814
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:56,536
Okay, look,
you terrorist-looking,
815
00:37:56,569 --> 00:38:01,541
uh, Hollywood man
with a black name, whatever.
816
00:38:01,574 --> 00:38:02,942
Okay.
817
00:38:02,975 --> 00:38:04,376
The money is in my account,
818
00:38:04,409 --> 00:38:06,411
so that line
should be directed to me.
819
00:38:06,444 --> 00:38:07,445
Hmm.
820
00:38:09,081 --> 00:38:11,083
Do I need to shoot you
in one of your legs
821
00:38:11,117 --> 00:38:14,754
or do I kill your baby daddy
to show you I'm not playing?
822
00:38:14,787 --> 00:38:15,822
Yo, man, come on...
823
00:38:15,855 --> 00:38:18,356
Well, we do have
a billion dollars,
824
00:38:18,390 --> 00:38:21,928
so if you killed him,
I'll give you, like, $20 million.
825
00:38:21,961 --> 00:38:25,430
Baby, shoot him right now.
Shoot them now.
826
00:38:25,463 --> 00:38:27,133
- Shoot him!
- What?
827
00:38:27,166 --> 00:38:28,601
Sorry, baby.
828
00:38:32,772 --> 00:38:35,074
Whee-hee.
829
00:38:35,107 --> 00:38:38,611
Mm, I smell
soul food cooking already.
830
00:38:42,148 --> 00:38:44,116
One for you and one for me.
831
00:38:44,150 --> 00:38:46,819
Thank you, baby.
Another one?
832
00:38:46,853 --> 00:38:49,755
So I have this dope idea
for an investment.
833
00:38:52,892 --> 00:38:54,560
You're an American.
834
00:38:54,594 --> 00:38:55,962
What's with the fake accent?
835
00:38:55,995 --> 00:38:58,463
You know how Hollywood
be doing us Middle Easterners.
836
00:38:58,496 --> 00:39:01,801
Something about Muhammad-Ali-Ali-Baba-
Yusuf-Ali-Yusuf accent.
837
00:39:01,834 --> 00:39:03,703
You know, to appear more scary.
838
00:39:03,736 --> 00:39:04,971
Oh.
839
00:39:05,004 --> 00:39:07,573
So, are those real bullets
in the gun or...
840
00:39:07,607 --> 00:39:08,875
Yeah.
841
00:39:08,908 --> 00:39:10,676
- We're still gonna rob you.
- Hello.
842
00:39:10,710 --> 00:39:12,912
- We just want our white people money.
- Mm-hmm.
843
00:39:12,945 --> 00:39:15,915
We're just taking a break
to play a game of Spades.
844
00:39:15,948 --> 00:39:17,884
Draw four.
845
00:39:17,917 --> 00:39:19,819
- Draw four?
- Draw four in a game of Spades?
846
00:39:19,852 --> 00:39:22,154
- Never done that before, but... Okay.
- Okay.
847
00:39:22,188 --> 00:39:24,090
I'm sorry. This is, like,
really, really bothering me.
848
00:39:24,123 --> 00:39:25,758
Is that even, like,
a real cigarette?
849
00:39:25,791 --> 00:39:27,560
Is that even, like,
her real hair?
850
00:39:27,593 --> 00:39:29,028
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
851
00:39:29,061 --> 00:39:32,198
- This is Brazilian. High quality.
- No, it's not.
852
00:39:32,231 --> 00:39:35,601
- Top line. Top line.
- Don't play with me.
853
00:39:35,635 --> 00:39:39,572
So just let me ask, why not just
submit your info for a chance to win?
854
00:39:39,605 --> 00:39:41,173
He woke up late.
855
00:39:41,207 --> 00:39:44,043
Oh, well, now we know
how you got the name Jermaine.
856
00:39:46,679 --> 00:39:48,480
"He woke up late."
857
00:39:48,513 --> 00:39:50,482
You know, you are so pretty.
858
00:39:50,515 --> 00:39:52,018
Yeah, like,
how did you two hook up?
859
00:39:52,051 --> 00:39:54,987
His dad owns the, uh,
gas station over at Ashland,
860
00:39:55,021 --> 00:39:56,856
and I was pumping
my gas one day,
861
00:39:56,889 --> 00:39:59,825
and then one pump led to
another, led to another...
862
00:39:59,859 --> 00:40:01,526
I'm the cashier there.
863
00:40:02,194 --> 00:40:04,496
Draw six cards.
864
00:40:04,530 --> 00:40:05,932
I knew I seen you
somewhere before.
865
00:40:07,934 --> 00:40:10,468
- Yeah.
- Wait a minute.
866
00:40:10,502 --> 00:40:12,905
Okay. Why are you out here
robbing people
867
00:40:12,939 --> 00:40:15,107
if your daddy
owns a gas station?
868
00:40:16,108 --> 00:40:17,944
I'm trying to come up on my own.
869
00:40:17,977 --> 00:40:19,578
That's his money.
870
00:40:21,113 --> 00:40:22,514
By robbing innocent people?
871
00:40:22,548 --> 00:40:25,017
Brother, why you acting
all self-righteous?
872
00:40:26,118 --> 00:40:29,989
I just, um, thought Muslims
were on the up and up.
873
00:40:30,022 --> 00:40:32,524
Fool, who said I was a Muslim?
874
00:40:32,558 --> 00:40:33,659
I'm Baptist.
875
00:40:33,693 --> 00:40:35,728
My pastor's name
is Little Leroy Brown.
876
00:40:35,761 --> 00:40:39,231
Hallelujah. Draw 50.
877
00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:43,102
You know,
can I see your shoes?
878
00:40:43,135 --> 00:40:47,039
I just want to see something.
If I could see your shoes...
879
00:40:47,073 --> 00:40:49,208
I just wanna check.
880
00:40:49,241 --> 00:40:51,744
Oh, well, baby,
he's not wearing golden sandals.
881
00:40:51,777 --> 00:40:53,079
He's definitely not Jafar.
882
00:40:53,112 --> 00:40:54,146
- Stop.
- Yeah.
883
00:40:55,781 --> 00:40:59,285
What is a Black person gonna do with
a billion dollars but spend it all up?
884
00:40:59,318 --> 00:41:01,253
Y'all get rich
and don't even have sense enough
885
00:41:01,287 --> 00:41:03,089
to invest it back
in your own communities.
886
00:41:03,122 --> 00:41:04,924
Y'all dip out to the 'burbs
887
00:41:04,957 --> 00:41:06,025
and then cry
about why you people
888
00:41:06,058 --> 00:41:08,961
don't have something
as simple as a grocery store.
889
00:41:08,995 --> 00:41:10,663
Black people are too proud.
890
00:41:10,696 --> 00:41:12,565
That part.
891
00:41:12,598 --> 00:41:13,899
I'm gonna take that gun
and kill you.
892
00:41:14,834 --> 00:41:16,669
It's the truth, homey.
893
00:41:16,702 --> 00:41:18,137
- I have a friend...
- "Homey."
894
00:41:18,170 --> 00:41:22,174
...who's black, and he won
$10 million in the lotto.
895
00:41:22,208 --> 00:41:25,111
This fool still be standing
on the corner selling weed.
896
00:41:25,144 --> 00:41:27,780
And get this. When he sees
the po-po driving by,
897
00:41:27,813 --> 00:41:31,217
he starts taking down the alley
every single time.
898
00:41:31,250 --> 00:41:33,319
I keep telling the fool
that weed is now legal.
899
00:41:33,352 --> 00:41:35,921
That's a colonized,
programmed mind, my brother.
900
00:41:35,955 --> 00:41:37,690
- He's...
- That part.
901
00:41:37,723 --> 00:41:38,958
Gin rummy.
902
00:41:38,991 --> 00:41:40,192
- Look...
- Gin...
903
00:41:40,226 --> 00:41:42,828
I'm beating y'all
in your own game.
904
00:41:42,862 --> 00:41:45,564
I deserve that money because
I know what to do with it.
905
00:41:45,598 --> 00:41:47,600
I'm gonna use it
to help my people.
906
00:41:47,633 --> 00:41:49,201
We are gonna be living
907
00:41:49,235 --> 00:41:51,337
♪ La vida loca ♪
908
00:41:51,370 --> 00:41:52,938
Oh, so now you Mexican.
909
00:41:52,972 --> 00:41:55,141
Ricky Martin is not Mexican.
910
00:41:55,174 --> 00:41:57,910
Okay, um, you know what,
just give us a second.
911
00:41:57,943 --> 00:42:00,279
We're just gonna talk
some things over.
912
00:42:00,312 --> 00:42:02,014
- Be right back.
- One second.
913
00:42:06,118 --> 00:42:08,254
And this guy's talking 'bout
he's not a Muslim.
914
00:42:08,287 --> 00:42:09,622
And she's clearly a stripper.
915
00:42:09,655 --> 00:42:12,124
I don't know. I don't know anything
about these guys, but, um...
916
00:42:12,158 --> 00:42:13,659
You gotta think
of something, okay?
917
00:42:13,692 --> 00:42:14,794
Okay. I got it.
918
00:42:15,361 --> 00:42:16,328
- You do?
- I got it?
919
00:42:16,362 --> 00:42:18,264
- Good, baby. Go on.
- Watch this. Thank you.
920
00:42:19,231 --> 00:42:20,232
So...
921
00:42:22,201 --> 00:42:24,170
We gonna need y'all to leave
the guns on the table.
922
00:42:25,671 --> 00:42:27,006
You think we're stupid?
923
00:42:34,947 --> 00:42:36,182
Hands are up.
924
00:42:37,283 --> 00:42:40,052
- Just make 'em crazy.
- Baby, oh, my God!
925
00:42:40,086 --> 00:42:41,887
I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out.
926
00:42:41,921 --> 00:42:43,122
I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out.
927
00:42:43,155 --> 00:42:44,023
You know,
I eat when I freak out.
928
00:42:44,056 --> 00:42:47,093
No, 'cause I told you,
you're unhappy.
929
00:42:47,126 --> 00:42:49,628
Since you are unhappy with me,
I'm gonna let them kill you...
930
00:42:49,662 --> 00:42:51,430
- 'cause I'm not giving 'em $10 million.
- What? Wait!
931
00:42:51,464 --> 00:42:53,899
- That shit's dead.
- You're gonna let them kill me over 10 million measly dollars?
932
00:42:53,933 --> 00:42:55,401
Yes.
933
00:42:55,434 --> 00:42:57,069
And I'm gonna hit
your mama up in here
934
00:42:57,103 --> 00:42:58,637
- and I'm gonna pay for the funeral, all of it.
- What?
935
00:42:58,671 --> 00:43:00,005
- That's cold.
- I'm just...
936
00:43:00,039 --> 00:43:02,274
How could you do that to me?
You're not funny.
937
00:43:02,308 --> 00:43:04,643
Baby, seriously,
we gotta come up with a plan.
938
00:43:04,677 --> 00:43:06,245
I know. I know. I know.
939
00:43:06,278 --> 00:43:08,781
You got your cell phone on you?
I left mine in the car.
940
00:43:08,814 --> 00:43:10,015
What?
941
00:43:10,049 --> 00:43:12,218
Come on.
My phone is in my purse.
942
00:43:12,251 --> 00:43:13,953
Okay, where is your purse?
943
00:43:13,986 --> 00:43:15,754
In the front room.
944
00:43:19,358 --> 00:43:21,160
Oh.
945
00:43:21,193 --> 00:43:22,228
Oh.
946
00:43:23,395 --> 00:43:25,097
I need that.
I think somebody just...
947
00:43:27,199 --> 00:43:28,868
What was that?
948
00:43:28,901 --> 00:43:32,004
- We can just flush the idea right down.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
949
00:43:32,838 --> 00:43:35,074
Baby! Duh.
950
00:43:35,107 --> 00:43:39,211
While they're in the front room, why don't
we just get up and leave out the back door?
951
00:43:40,112 --> 00:43:41,147
Boom!
952
00:43:41,180 --> 00:43:42,616
Smart.
953
00:43:43,883 --> 00:43:44,950
- Okay.
- I think we can.
954
00:43:46,018 --> 00:43:47,753
- Okay, so you going in?
- Yeah.
955
00:43:47,786 --> 00:43:49,955
Why don't you go first?
Yeah, that's a good idea. Go first.
956
00:43:49,989 --> 00:43:51,657
- Okay.
- Okay.
957
00:43:58,230 --> 00:43:59,932
Baby, you know,
what's ten million
958
00:43:59,965 --> 00:44:01,400
minus a billion dollars. Right?
959
00:44:02,201 --> 00:44:03,202
Hey?
960
00:44:08,908 --> 00:44:10,743
So are you gonna give us
the money
961
00:44:10,776 --> 00:44:13,445
or have you decided
who wants to die first?
962
00:44:13,479 --> 00:44:16,882
Okay, if we decide,
okay, to give you the money,
963
00:44:16,916 --> 00:44:18,184
just promise you won't kill us.
964
00:44:18,217 --> 00:44:20,886
- But you saw our faces.
- Yep.
965
00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:23,889
Dude, you look like every other
gas attendant in America,
966
00:44:23,923 --> 00:44:25,891
and she looks like every
other stripper in the world.
967
00:44:25,925 --> 00:44:27,860
"Stripper?"
968
00:44:27,893 --> 00:44:30,262
Baby, he knows where I work.
Now we gotta kill...
969
00:44:30,296 --> 00:44:31,363
Wait a minute.
970
00:44:31,397 --> 00:44:33,032
I recognize you.
971
00:44:33,065 --> 00:44:35,034
You're that guy that slid
that $100 bill between my...
972
00:44:36,468 --> 00:44:39,271
No, no, I haven't been to a strip
club in two weeks. On my mama.
973
00:44:39,305 --> 00:44:41,240
- Give us the money or die.
- Now!
974
00:44:42,542 --> 00:44:44,476
You know...
975
00:44:44,510 --> 00:44:46,178
I'm starting to catch on
to you two.
976
00:44:46,212 --> 00:44:47,513
The whole little, um...
977
00:44:47,547 --> 00:44:50,182
- What's that word you say, babe?
- Oh, modus operandi?
978
00:44:50,216 --> 00:44:51,116
Mo...
979
00:44:51,150 --> 00:44:52,619
- Yeah, your modus operandi.
- Yeah.
980
00:44:52,652 --> 00:44:55,321
You know, 'cause it's like,
we literally were just all in the kitchen.
981
00:44:55,354 --> 00:44:57,456
You know, we playing Spades.
They eating our eggs
982
00:44:57,489 --> 00:44:59,158
and all that shit,
we having a good time,
983
00:44:59,191 --> 00:45:01,126
then outta nowhere,
all of a sudden, you just flip,
984
00:45:01,160 --> 00:45:03,429
so it's like obviously,
you two belong to each other,
985
00:45:03,462 --> 00:45:05,364
- because they both have, like...
- Definitely.
986
00:45:05,397 --> 00:45:06,966
Baby, he calling us crazy.
987
00:45:06,999 --> 00:45:08,200
Don't say that.
988
00:45:08,234 --> 00:45:10,469
Baby, I'm gonna shoot
them both now.
989
00:45:10,502 --> 00:45:12,805
I'm gonna shoot you both in the face.
990
00:45:12,838 --> 00:45:14,873
I'm gonna shoot you in the...
In the arms.
991
00:45:14,907 --> 00:45:16,141
In the legs.
992
00:45:16,175 --> 00:45:18,143
I'm gonna shoot you
in the hands.
993
00:45:18,177 --> 00:45:19,546
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna shoot you...
994
00:45:19,579 --> 00:45:21,880
I'm
going to shoot you in the eyelids.
995
00:45:21,914 --> 00:45:23,916
I'm going to shoot you
in the baby toe!
996
00:45:23,949 --> 00:45:25,918
Yes!
They must die!
997
00:45:27,554 --> 00:45:29,521
Baby, where'd they go?
998
00:45:29,556 --> 00:45:32,391
Them clowns are hiding
behind the couch!
999
00:45:32,424 --> 00:45:34,026
Come out from behind there now!
1000
00:45:34,860 --> 00:45:35,861
Now!
1001
00:45:41,867 --> 00:45:43,902
Yeah, he had to use
the bathroom.
1002
00:45:43,936 --> 00:45:46,438
No. No.
1003
00:45:46,472 --> 00:45:47,641
No?
1004
00:45:47,674 --> 00:45:50,943
We just needed a moment to
convene and figure out how
1005
00:45:50,976 --> 00:45:52,945
this situation could be
a win-win for us all.
1006
00:45:52,978 --> 00:45:54,547
Right. Mm-hmm.
1007
00:45:54,581 --> 00:45:56,181
Win-win.
1008
00:45:56,215 --> 00:45:59,518
See, I watch a lot
of Forensic Files right?
1009
00:45:59,552 --> 00:46:00,786
- And...
- She does.
1010
00:46:00,819 --> 00:46:03,956
...your fingerprints and your
DNA is all over this place.
1011
00:46:03,989 --> 00:46:05,924
So, you know,
if you did kill us,
1012
00:46:05,958 --> 00:46:08,193
you wouldn't be able to spend
all the money anyway.
1013
00:46:08,227 --> 00:46:09,529
Not a dime.
1014
00:46:15,901 --> 00:46:17,604
That's my Hollywood laugh
1015
00:46:17,637 --> 00:46:22,274
they give to all of us
Middle Easterners "terrorists."
1016
00:46:22,308 --> 00:46:24,143
- This nigga crazy.
- Damn.
1017
00:46:24,176 --> 00:46:25,511
- Okay.
- Oh...
1018
00:46:29,014 --> 00:46:30,316
How was that, baby?
1019
00:46:30,349 --> 00:46:31,483
Hollywood to the T.
1020
00:46:31,517 --> 00:46:32,619
Do you all hear me?
1021
00:46:32,652 --> 00:46:35,387
You know, 'cause what I'm saying
is real, like, you know,
1022
00:46:35,421 --> 00:46:37,423
your DNA is literally
all over this place.
1023
00:46:37,456 --> 00:46:39,992
So let's deal with how you plan
on getting out of that.
1024
00:46:40,025 --> 00:46:44,564
I mean, it's like, obviously, you guys
didn't think this all the way out.
1025
00:46:44,597 --> 00:46:48,400
Uh, after we get
the $20 million, we kill you.
1026
00:46:49,501 --> 00:46:52,304
And it'll be
about 24 to 48 hours
1027
00:46:52,338 --> 00:46:54,106
before anyone
discovers your bodies.
1028
00:46:54,139 --> 00:46:55,407
And by that time...
1029
00:46:57,677 --> 00:47:00,379
By that time,
we'll be in Mozambique.
1030
00:47:00,412 --> 00:47:04,049
And Mozambique has no
extradition treaty with America.
1031
00:47:04,083 --> 00:47:08,053
- Right, right, right, so I mean, it's like...
- Pretty clever.
1032
00:47:08,087 --> 00:47:10,222
$20 million is a lot of money,
1033
00:47:10,255 --> 00:47:12,324
and if the two of us
were to walk into a bank
1034
00:47:12,358 --> 00:47:15,427
and try to make a transfer
that large to two idiots
1035
00:47:15,461 --> 00:47:17,664
who obviously don't even have
a fucking pot to piss in,
1036
00:47:17,697 --> 00:47:20,265
I think it would just raise
so many eyebrows, you know?
1037
00:47:20,299 --> 00:47:22,501
- So it's like...
- Mm.
1038
00:47:22,535 --> 00:47:24,571
- How about we just give you $500?
- Yeah.
1039
00:47:24,604 --> 00:47:26,972
- $500?
- That's what I'm saying.
1040
00:47:27,005 --> 00:47:30,042
- Uh, I mean, it's cool. Come on, babe, get up.
- Yeah. Great.
1041
00:47:33,045 --> 00:47:35,114
Obviously, you guys
didn't think this part out,
1042
00:47:35,147 --> 00:47:36,115
like, you know, but it's fine,
1043
00:47:36,148 --> 00:47:37,650
because that's what
you have me here for.
1044
00:47:37,684 --> 00:47:39,586
- I'm sorry, baby.
- Us. I'm right here.
1045
00:47:39,619 --> 00:47:41,019
That's what
you have us here for.
1046
00:47:43,222 --> 00:47:45,057
- So that being said...
- Mm-hmm, yes.
1047
00:47:45,090 --> 00:47:49,228
- ...we're not going to call the FBI.
- No, mm-mm.
1048
00:47:49,261 --> 00:47:53,932
But... we're gonna need y'all
to run them bitches.
1049
00:47:58,103 --> 00:48:00,406
Okay, but just give us the $500.
1050
00:48:00,439 --> 00:48:03,676
- $500? Five? Five? Ah-ha!
- Ah-ha!
1051
00:48:03,710 --> 00:48:06,412
- It worked, baby!
- $500 this!
1052
00:48:06,445 --> 00:48:08,548
Put your hands up, huh. Run it!
1053
00:48:08,581 --> 00:48:10,617
How does it feel?
You wanna go rob people, huh?
1054
00:48:10,650 --> 00:48:13,553
How does it feel
when the tables have turned?
1055
00:48:13,586 --> 00:48:16,955
Run it, run it. Put your motherfucking hands up.
1056
00:48:16,989 --> 00:48:18,257
No, I will not.
1057
00:48:19,592 --> 00:48:20,860
Put your hands up, babe.
1058
00:48:20,894 --> 00:48:23,095
I'm gonna shoot you in your face
if you don't put your hands up.
1059
00:48:23,128 --> 00:48:24,263
Yeah, shoot me.
1060
00:48:24,296 --> 00:48:27,734
Oh, okay. We got us a brave soul.
A brave soul here.
1061
00:48:27,767 --> 00:48:30,269
How about this? I'm-a kill you
1062
00:48:30,302 --> 00:48:32,438
and cut all that curly
little hair off your head,
1063
00:48:32,471 --> 00:48:34,306
- sell it to some hood chick...
- Mm.
1064
00:48:34,339 --> 00:48:37,342
- ...and call it Remy Number Nine.
- Number Nine, ooh!
1065
00:48:41,046 --> 00:48:42,649
Put your motherfucking hands up.
1066
00:48:44,684 --> 00:48:46,018
Shoot him.
1067
00:48:46,051 --> 00:48:47,352
- Yeah, shoot him.
- Shoot him right now.
1068
00:48:47,386 --> 00:48:49,321
- Yeah, shoot me.
- Baby, why don't you shoot him?
1069
00:48:49,354 --> 00:48:50,757
No, I mean, my parents sent me
to Catholic school.
1070
00:48:50,790 --> 00:48:52,625
I can't shoot nobody.
I shoot nobody.
1071
00:48:52,659 --> 00:48:53,959
True.
1072
00:48:56,061 --> 00:48:58,665
I might just put one in your leg
because you're not listening.
1073
00:48:58,698 --> 00:49:00,165
It's gonna hurt a little bit,
1074
00:49:00,199 --> 00:49:02,134
but hey, I need you to put
your fucking hands up.
1075
00:49:02,167 --> 00:49:06,071
Yeah, yeah, do you... Do you want
me to roll up my pants leg for you?
1076
00:49:06,104 --> 00:49:07,439
Huh?
1077
00:49:07,473 --> 00:49:09,374
Shoot him in his ass.
1078
00:49:09,408 --> 00:49:10,710
- Shoot him in his ass?
- Shoot him in his ass.
1079
00:49:10,743 --> 00:49:12,579
- Shoot him in his ass?
- Yeah, shoot him.
1080
00:49:12,612 --> 00:49:15,113
- I'm gonna shoot him in his ass.
- Yeah, why don't you just shoot me?
1081
00:49:15,147 --> 00:49:17,650
- Count to three in my head, and I'm gonna shoot you.
- Yeah, yeah, shoot me.
1082
00:49:21,153 --> 00:49:23,422
- These motherfuckers are not real.
- Oh! Get out of my crib!
1083
00:49:23,455 --> 00:49:25,658
Open the door, baby.
1084
00:49:25,692 --> 00:49:27,794
Get the fuck out of our crib.
1085
00:49:27,827 --> 00:49:30,329
Like, are we gonna keep
running away from our problems,
1086
00:49:30,362 --> 00:49:31,798
or can we just live
our best life?
1087
00:49:31,831 --> 00:49:35,400
'Cause we just ran away from, like,
50 people back at that mansion.
1088
00:49:35,434 --> 00:49:36,836
Yeah.
1089
00:49:36,870 --> 00:49:40,773
I was thinking a lot about what that
crazy Jermaine was talking about.
1090
00:49:40,807 --> 00:49:44,476
- I mean, the guy's definitely a weirdo...
- Definitely.
1091
00:49:44,510 --> 00:49:49,314
But I mean, he was making sense about some of
the stuff he was talking about me, like...
1092
00:49:50,382 --> 00:49:52,084
Us as a Black people,
1093
00:49:54,086 --> 00:49:57,289
why can't we just build
and create our own communities?
1094
00:49:57,322 --> 00:49:59,792
- You know?
- Yeah.
1095
00:49:59,826 --> 00:50:03,395
What's stopping us from creating
and building our own communities?
1096
00:50:03,428 --> 00:50:04,496
Us.
1097
00:50:06,231 --> 00:50:07,232
Exactly.
1098
00:50:10,703 --> 00:50:13,505
My brother did invite us over
for dinner tomorrow night.
1099
00:50:15,107 --> 00:50:16,174
And what did you say?
1100
00:50:17,710 --> 00:50:18,811
Yes?
1101
00:50:18,845 --> 00:50:20,547
Oh, no.
1102
00:50:20,580 --> 00:50:24,182
- No. Come on, babe! Really?
- I know, baby.
1103
00:50:24,216 --> 00:50:27,720
- I'm sorry. We're gonna be in and out, I promise.
- Oh, no. No.
1104
00:50:27,754 --> 00:50:29,789
See, we were gonna have
a good night. Move over.
1105
00:50:41,166 --> 00:50:42,669
Assalamu alaikum.
1106
00:50:49,441 --> 00:50:52,377
- Wow! Damn. Whoo.
- Whoo!
1107
00:50:52,411 --> 00:50:56,214
I landed in this soul food
with both my feet.
1108
00:50:56,248 --> 00:51:00,285
This is gonna be the best soul
food meal you guys ever had
1109
00:51:00,319 --> 00:51:02,321
in your natural-born
Black lives matter.
1110
00:51:02,354 --> 00:51:03,756
Yes. I'm telling you, man.
1111
00:51:03,790 --> 00:51:06,759
This pound cake
is like, like, wham!
1112
00:51:06,793 --> 00:51:09,328
- Pound cake better than Grandma's. Yeah.
- Huh.
1113
00:51:09,361 --> 00:51:11,664
Aw! You are so sweet!
1114
00:51:11,698 --> 00:51:13,866
- Give me a kiss.
- Oh, Lord!
1115
00:51:13,900 --> 00:51:16,636
Now, don't press too hard.
You know it smears my lip gloss.
1116
00:51:16,669 --> 00:51:20,138
- Yes. Can I have another one?
- Look at that chicken.
1117
00:51:20,172 --> 00:51:21,440
Kissing you.
1118
00:51:21,473 --> 00:51:23,508
- Now, that was the perfect kiss.
- Oh, my God.
1119
00:51:23,543 --> 00:51:26,713
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Good time, baby.
1120
00:51:26,746 --> 00:51:29,916
- Okay. We got fried chicken...
- Yeah.
1121
00:51:29,949 --> 00:51:32,217
...potato salad
without the raisins.
1122
00:51:32,250 --> 00:51:34,152
I see the memes on Facebook,
1123
00:51:34,186 --> 00:51:37,189
and I know you guys hate raisins
in your potato salad.
1124
00:51:37,222 --> 00:51:39,559
I made a collard greens,
1125
00:51:39,592 --> 00:51:42,160
corn bread...
1126
00:51:42,194 --> 00:51:43,730
- ...yams...
- Yams!
1127
00:51:45,197 --> 00:51:47,366
- ...and chitlins.
- Chitlins!
1128
00:51:47,399 --> 00:51:50,837
Now, how do you people
eat that stuff?
1129
00:51:50,870 --> 00:51:53,640
- "You people?"
- My entire house was funky.
1130
00:51:53,673 --> 00:51:55,675
Little stank.
I was a little funky.
1131
00:51:55,708 --> 00:51:57,777
It was funky.
Okay, Rachel Dolezal.
1132
00:51:57,810 --> 00:52:00,880
I see you, girl.
Uh, what's that over there?
1133
00:52:02,214 --> 00:52:06,184
It's authentic soul food,
my sister.
1134
00:52:06,218 --> 00:52:08,588
We're going green.
Like, literally.
1135
00:52:08,621 --> 00:52:10,790
Green eggs and ham,
let's do it, Sam.
1136
00:52:10,823 --> 00:52:13,291
But in your case, Kareem.
Let's eat, baby.
1137
00:52:13,325 --> 00:52:15,360
Come on! You ready? Let's do it.
1138
00:52:15,394 --> 00:52:17,462
- All right.
- Give me some, girl.
1139
00:52:17,496 --> 00:52:19,632
This is... Man, I love it.
1140
00:52:19,666 --> 00:52:23,201
I'm so excited. Wow!
1141
00:52:24,403 --> 00:52:26,371
- My big brother Darryl.
- Yeah, man.
1142
00:52:26,405 --> 00:52:28,273
So, like, um, is something wrong
1143
00:52:28,306 --> 00:52:29,976
or you just wanted to spend some
time with your little brother?
1144
00:52:30,009 --> 00:52:33,680
Man! Come on, now. You know I've
always had a soft spot for you, Kareem.
1145
00:52:33,713 --> 00:52:35,548
- Mm.
- I love you, man.
1146
00:52:35,581 --> 00:52:36,849
- Of course.
- Hey. Uh, sweetie.
1147
00:52:36,883 --> 00:52:39,384
Can you please get me
some grape Kool-Aid?
1148
00:52:39,418 --> 00:52:42,655
- When we were kids, you loved grape.
- Yeah.
1149
00:52:42,689 --> 00:52:44,724
- You don't want any grape? Kool-Aid, babe.
- Nah, I'm good.
1150
00:52:44,757 --> 00:52:47,359
Kool-Aid man's in the building.
1151
00:52:47,392 --> 00:52:49,529
I thought that was just
brilliant marketing.
1152
00:52:49,562 --> 00:52:52,497
I never forgot that commercial.
It was so awesome.
1153
00:52:52,532 --> 00:52:53,766
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1154
00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:54,934
Obviously.
1155
00:52:54,967 --> 00:52:56,903
So, what...
what's going on with dinner?
1156
00:52:56,936 --> 00:52:59,839
You guys didn't really...
didn't really eat.
1157
00:53:00,840 --> 00:53:01,941
Yeah, we're vegans.
1158
00:53:02,975 --> 00:53:04,476
Oh, wow!
1159
00:53:04,509 --> 00:53:06,612
Well, what you gonna do
with those three, four,
1160
00:53:06,646 --> 00:53:09,582
five dozen eggs
you got in your fridge, there?
1161
00:53:09,615 --> 00:53:12,250
Well, those were...
vegan chickens.
1162
00:53:12,284 --> 00:53:13,653
Wow! They're making
vegan chickens?
1163
00:53:13,686 --> 00:53:17,590
Yeah. You'd be surprised.
1164
00:53:17,623 --> 00:53:19,357
I don't know why.
1165
00:53:19,391 --> 00:53:21,526
Uh, the chicken was bloody.
1166
00:53:21,561 --> 00:53:23,529
Well, that was
their grandmother's recipe.
1167
00:53:23,563 --> 00:53:24,630
The hell it is.
1168
00:53:24,664 --> 00:53:26,999
I have eaten plenty
of fried chicken at her house,
1169
00:53:27,033 --> 00:53:29,736
and I have never seen blood come from it.
Not one time.
1170
00:53:29,769 --> 00:53:31,537
And let me tell you something
about Black people.
1171
00:53:31,571 --> 00:53:33,740
See, we like our food
cooked to the core.
1172
00:53:33,773 --> 00:53:36,943
You know what I'm saying?
Otherwise it's, "Waiter! Manager!"
1173
00:53:36,976 --> 00:53:39,779
"This bill is comped and we need
a gift certificate. Thank you."
1174
00:53:39,812 --> 00:53:41,013
You're being a little mean.
1175
00:53:41,047 --> 00:53:42,447
You know that fried chicken
was better than
1176
00:53:42,481 --> 00:53:45,051
some of the fried chicken I had
when I was a little kid growing up.
1177
00:53:45,084 --> 00:53:46,586
Nigga, stop lying.
1178
00:53:46,619 --> 00:53:48,821
Baby!
1179
00:53:48,855 --> 00:53:51,991
They didn't eat my fried chicken
or my collards!
1180
00:53:52,024 --> 00:53:53,593
Ooh, come on. Come on.
1181
00:53:53,626 --> 00:53:57,830
Come on, they're... They're... They don't
know what good soul food tastes like.
1182
00:53:57,864 --> 00:53:59,031
They're... They're vegan.
1183
00:53:59,065 --> 00:54:01,033
Yeah. You know,
we be eating carrots and everything.
1184
00:54:01,067 --> 00:54:03,301
All you gotta do is you
should've brought some carrots.
1185
00:54:03,335 --> 00:54:04,469
Right. Just take it
out the garden.
1186
00:54:04,503 --> 00:54:05,705
We don't even cook it.
Right, baby?
1187
00:54:05,738 --> 00:54:08,340
We just don't even add salt and pepper.
We just eat it.
1188
00:54:08,373 --> 00:54:11,409
I put lemon pepper
on my carrots, by the way.
1189
00:54:11,443 --> 00:54:12,712
Yes. They don't know.
1190
00:54:12,745 --> 00:54:15,681
They didn't like
my soul food!
1191
00:54:15,715 --> 00:54:19,085
Baby, baby! They don't know
what good soul food tastes like.
1192
00:54:19,118 --> 00:54:23,488
Well, we do know that it's not
supposed to taste like Michelin tires.
1193
00:54:23,522 --> 00:54:24,690
We know that much.
1194
00:54:24,724 --> 00:54:27,492
And that was not collard greens
in those pots. I'm sorry.
1195
00:54:27,526 --> 00:54:29,996
Why would you say that, Nora?
That's mean.
1196
00:54:30,029 --> 00:54:32,865
It was reefer.
Like, the girl went and cooked reefer.
1197
00:54:32,899 --> 00:54:33,900
Cooked reefer.
1198
00:54:35,668 --> 00:54:38,704
Babe, you didn't cook
my reefer, did you?
1199
00:54:38,738 --> 00:54:42,474
I thought
it was collard greens!
1200
00:54:42,507 --> 00:54:45,410
- That was the best reefer greens.
- Who does that?
1201
00:54:45,443 --> 00:54:48,080
I... I put hot sauce on that, babe.
1202
00:54:48,114 --> 00:54:51,316
Aw. Come on. You guys coulda
added some Johnny Pete's. Come on.
1203
00:54:52,552 --> 00:54:54,419
Could've put hot sauce
on it, Reem.
1204
00:54:54,452 --> 00:54:55,922
- Right, right, right.
- Mm-hmm.
1205
00:54:55,955 --> 00:54:58,423
- You could've washed it down a little grape.
- Yeah. You're right. Yeah.
1206
00:54:58,456 --> 00:54:59,959
Hell, yeah.
1207
00:54:59,992 --> 00:55:02,862
- I'm still hungry. Can we go eat, please? Thank you.
- Gotcha.
1208
00:55:03,896 --> 00:55:05,832
So, how can we help you, Darryl?
1209
00:55:05,865 --> 00:55:07,900
You know, man. I, uh...
1210
00:55:07,934 --> 00:55:09,735
You know, I... I want a share.
1211
00:55:09,769 --> 00:55:11,103
You think I can share?
1212
00:55:12,004 --> 00:55:13,471
What do you mean, a share?
1213
00:55:13,505 --> 00:55:16,976
Last week, I asked you for a $20 bump
on my paycheck and you told me no.
1214
00:55:17,009 --> 00:55:20,112
Now, you think we're supposed to
give you something of what we got?
1215
00:55:20,146 --> 00:55:22,114
- Kareem...
- It doesn't work like that.
1216
00:55:22,148 --> 00:55:24,951
Okay. I get it, buddy. Hey.
Have you paid the IRS yet?
1217
00:55:24,984 --> 00:55:26,886
Hell, yeah. I gave their ass
like $10 four years ago.
1218
00:55:26,919 --> 00:55:28,386
We should definitely
be straight now.
1219
00:55:28,420 --> 00:55:30,455
No! Kareem,
$10 is not gonna cut it.
1220
00:55:30,488 --> 00:55:32,825
Okay, look. There's two things
that you have to do.
1221
00:55:32,859 --> 00:55:34,927
All right? You have to pay that...
that rapper.
1222
00:55:34,961 --> 00:55:39,732
What, the 20%...
30, 35 and a quarter. What is it?
1223
00:55:39,765 --> 00:55:42,400
- 50 Cent?
- 50 Cents! There you go
1224
00:55:42,434 --> 00:55:45,872
The 50 Cent guy.
You pay him, you pay the IRS.
1225
00:55:45,905 --> 00:55:49,075
That's what you have to do.
There's no way to get around that. Okay?
1226
00:55:49,108 --> 00:55:54,680
All right. So I can't believe they gave
a Negro like you a billion dollars,
1227
00:55:54,714 --> 00:55:56,949
with no financial wherewithal.
Nothing, huh?
1228
00:55:56,983 --> 00:55:59,417
Just slid you
a good old smooth bill, huh?
1229
00:55:59,451 --> 00:56:01,621
- Yeah.
- Wow, man.
1230
00:56:01,654 --> 00:56:02,922
You know, I...
1231
00:56:02,955 --> 00:56:07,760
I just want to tell you.
A fool and his money will soon part.
1232
00:56:07,793 --> 00:56:08,895
Hmm.
1233
00:56:08,928 --> 00:56:13,099
Like, why do you think
we are always broke when we die?
1234
00:56:13,132 --> 00:56:14,767
It's no secret, all right?
1235
00:56:14,800 --> 00:56:16,769
Look, man.
I gotta keep this down low.
1236
00:56:16,802 --> 00:56:19,138
Because if my wife
hears me say...
1237
00:56:19,171 --> 00:56:21,741
She doesn't like me
saying the color "white."
1238
00:56:21,774 --> 00:56:24,476
Oh, she gets angry, like...
1239
00:56:24,509 --> 00:56:27,079
So, I think she's sweating us
out in here. All right?
1240
00:56:27,113 --> 00:56:29,949
We made our little
green-eggs-and-ham cornbread,
1241
00:56:29,982 --> 00:56:31,884
and I'm burning up
like a pig in heat.
1242
00:56:31,918 --> 00:56:35,087
- Hmm.
- Now, I hope that she doesn't hear us,
1243
00:56:35,121 --> 00:56:40,525
but white people
invest their money.
1244
00:56:40,559 --> 00:56:42,795
- That's right.
- I think they spend their money just like I spend money.
1245
00:56:42,828 --> 00:56:44,797
Kareem,
are you listening to me?
1246
00:56:44,830 --> 00:56:47,133
I'm down here
sweating my ass off.
1247
00:56:47,166 --> 00:56:49,467
Are you hearing me? They invest,
1248
00:56:49,501 --> 00:56:52,104
Kareem, not spend. Invest.
1249
00:56:52,138 --> 00:56:53,873
- Okay?
- Right.
1250
00:56:53,906 --> 00:56:55,574
Look.
1251
00:56:55,608 --> 00:56:58,844
We bring in $1.2 trillion.
1252
00:56:58,878 --> 00:57:01,479
That is more
than some countries, all right?
1253
00:57:01,513 --> 00:57:03,783
But then we got our little
athletes out there, right?
1254
00:57:03,816 --> 00:57:06,852
We've got our rappers,
our 50 Cents,
1255
00:57:06,886 --> 00:57:10,022
and they're freaking raining dollar
bills on booties and strip clubs.
1256
00:57:10,056 --> 00:57:13,092
Five K, ten K, 20 K.
1257
00:57:13,125 --> 00:57:14,627
Kareem, that's crazy.
1258
00:57:15,728 --> 00:57:18,564
Yeah, um... Told you.
1259
00:57:21,534 --> 00:57:22,535
Hey, babe.
1260
00:57:23,202 --> 00:57:24,170
Babe, hey!
1261
00:57:24,203 --> 00:57:27,707
Hey! What's, what's, what's...
what's going on?
1262
00:57:27,740 --> 00:57:30,776
Did I just hear you
say the word "white"?
1263
00:57:34,313 --> 00:57:37,515
- Come on, dude.
- What? I would never... I've never even used the word...
1264
00:57:37,550 --> 00:57:40,152
You're like my snow mountaintop.
1265
00:57:40,186 --> 00:57:41,854
I love you. I mean, come on.
1266
00:57:41,887 --> 00:57:43,889
I'll slalom your ass any day,
babe. Come on.
1267
00:57:45,224 --> 00:57:46,826
I told you, man.
1268
00:57:46,859 --> 00:57:49,862
She's always listening,
all right? Now...
1269
00:57:49,895 --> 00:57:53,065
This is a little racist and the
audience is probably gonna be so pissed,
1270
00:57:53,099 --> 00:57:54,667
but look, man, I got to say it.
1271
00:57:54,700 --> 00:57:55,935
It is what it is, all right?
1272
00:57:55,968 --> 00:57:58,871
- You're a wealthy Black man, okay?
- Indeed.
1273
00:57:59,605 --> 00:58:02,074
You gotta get rid of chiquita.
1274
00:58:02,742 --> 00:58:04,577
And Quilla Chicaniqua...
1275
00:58:04,610 --> 00:58:06,812
- Nora. Her name is Nora.
- Who?
1276
00:58:07,913 --> 00:58:10,116
Nora, Dora. Same thing.
1277
00:58:10,149 --> 00:58:13,219
Does she explore? No. Okay?
What I'm telling you is this.
1278
00:58:13,252 --> 00:58:15,855
Give her
a couple million, right?
1279
00:58:15,888 --> 00:58:17,957
Let her go live her life.
1280
00:58:17,990 --> 00:58:20,092
You're a wealthy Black man.
1281
00:58:20,126 --> 00:58:23,262
They are never gonna let you
express your full Blackness.
1282
00:58:23,295 --> 00:58:25,998
Uh, what is it? The darker the
berry, the sweeter the juice.
1283
00:58:26,032 --> 00:58:28,234
Well, you're like prune juice.
1284
00:58:28,267 --> 00:58:32,271
What you do, man,
you go get you a pure white.
1285
00:58:32,304 --> 00:58:35,107
I mean, you go
get you a ooh-wee.
1286
00:58:35,141 --> 00:58:37,843
A snowflake, Popsicle...
1287
00:58:39,045 --> 00:58:42,114
mountain top, Q-tip.
1288
00:58:42,148 --> 00:58:44,583
Cocaine. You know what I mean?
1289
00:58:44,617 --> 00:58:47,653
That's it, man. I don't know
where I would be without my wife.
1290
00:58:47,686 --> 00:58:49,255
There's no telling, man. I'd...
1291
00:58:49,288 --> 00:58:51,090
probably be doing drive-bys.
1292
00:58:51,123 --> 00:58:53,325
- Hmm.
- Chi-Town's finest.
1293
00:58:53,359 --> 00:58:54,894
Out the window. Bang!
1294
00:58:54,927 --> 00:58:57,329
- Yeah.
- You can get your 40 acres and a mule, man.
1295
00:58:58,064 --> 00:58:59,365
You know?
1296
00:58:59,398 --> 00:59:01,267
I'm serious.
1297
00:59:01,300 --> 00:59:03,169
- Darryl.
- Yeah, man.
1298
00:59:05,805 --> 00:59:08,174
You is what we call a "Nigga."
1299
00:59:08,207 --> 00:59:10,176
Bean pie, anyone?
1300
00:59:10,209 --> 00:59:12,111
- Yeah.
- Bean pie?
1301
00:59:12,144 --> 00:59:13,712
I make them
from scratch.
1302
00:59:13,746 --> 00:59:14,847
- Mm.
- Oh.
1303
00:59:14,880 --> 00:59:18,084
My wife makes
the best bean pies.
1304
00:59:18,117 --> 00:59:20,019
I'm talk about
her sweet potato pies
1305
00:59:20,052 --> 00:59:22,321
will have Patti LaBelle
kick her shoes right off.
1306
00:59:22,354 --> 00:59:23,823
- Oh.
- Wow.
1307
00:59:23,856 --> 00:59:27,026
Are those Assalamu-alaikum-
sharp-as-a-tack-in-100-degree-weather
1308
00:59:27,059 --> 00:59:29,028
with-a-two-piece suit
and-a-bow-tie bean pie?
1309
00:59:29,061 --> 00:59:30,496
Yes, my sister.
1310
00:59:30,530 --> 00:59:34,667
My husband has given you all the
warning that my bean pies are better.
1311
00:59:34,700 --> 00:59:37,636
Yes, they are
absolutely finger-licking.
1312
00:59:37,670 --> 00:59:39,105
Oh, I would just lick your...
1313
00:59:39,138 --> 00:59:41,040
- Oh, wow.
- This, darling, is so good.
1314
00:59:41,073 --> 00:59:43,275
I just wanted to know,
do you ever get sick from eating her food?
1315
00:59:43,309 --> 00:59:46,712
Uh, no, uh, Nora the Explorer.
1316
00:59:46,745 --> 00:59:49,949
Okay? Excuse me.
1317
00:59:49,982 --> 00:59:53,352
You know, I actually, uh...
love my wife's food.
1318
00:59:54,787 --> 00:59:55,988
You know what?
We're here for a loan.
1319
00:59:56,021 --> 00:59:57,990
Excuse me. How about that?
I'm speaking to...
1320
00:59:58,023 --> 01:00:00,092
- No!
- What do you mean "no"?
1321
01:00:00,126 --> 01:00:02,361
- Why?
- What you mean "why?"
1322
01:00:02,394 --> 01:00:04,330
Kareem, why can't I have a loan?
1323
01:00:05,898 --> 01:00:07,099
It's our money.
1324
01:00:07,133 --> 01:00:08,400
Oh, I swear.
1325
01:00:08,434 --> 01:00:10,903
You know,
Peter was right about you.
1326
01:00:10,936 --> 01:00:13,139
Bro, what do I care about
what Peter thinks?
1327
01:00:13,172 --> 01:00:15,207
I mean,
I'm a whole Black billionaire.
1328
01:00:15,241 --> 01:00:17,743
Billionaires have
feelings too, Kareem.
1329
01:00:17,776 --> 01:00:19,078
Mm. No, actually, we don't.
1330
01:00:19,111 --> 01:00:21,847
I lost all of my feelings after
I got my first billion dollars.
1331
01:00:21,881 --> 01:00:26,218
Now, I do care about people
like Bill Gates, Warren Buffett,
1332
01:00:26,252 --> 01:00:27,987
but absolutely not you,
1333
01:00:28,020 --> 01:00:29,688
you, and definitely not Peter.
1334
01:00:29,722 --> 01:00:35,761
But I do, however, care about what my
beautiful Black Queen thinks of me, though.
1335
01:00:35,794 --> 01:00:37,396
That's right, King. Tell 'em.
1336
01:00:37,429 --> 01:00:40,199
What? Kareem,
if you didn't care
1337
01:00:40,232 --> 01:00:42,001
what we thought about you,
1338
01:00:42,034 --> 01:00:44,737
why are you so emotional?
1339
01:00:44,770 --> 01:00:46,939
Emotional? Oh, baby,
I'm not emotional.
1340
01:00:46,972 --> 01:00:49,975
Now, however, I might be angry from
eating your chicken and dumplings.
1341
01:00:50,009 --> 01:00:52,811
I mean, I've had to boo-boo ever
since we got up from dinner.
1342
01:00:52,845 --> 01:00:54,046
Wow.
1343
01:00:54,079 --> 01:00:56,916
My bowels hurt so bad,
I'm about to cry.
1344
01:00:56,949 --> 01:00:59,985
And, you know I don't care about
what this fool... Matter of fact...
1345
01:01:00,019 --> 01:01:02,254
Uh-oh. Kareem! Kareem!
- Baby! Baby?
1346
01:01:02,288 --> 01:01:04,190
- Kareem!
- Yeah.
1347
01:01:06,058 --> 01:01:08,394
- Mm.
- Oh, he's done it now.
1348
01:01:10,029 --> 01:01:12,231
Kareem, I...
1349
01:01:14,500 --> 01:01:16,135
Come on, baby.
1350
01:01:16,168 --> 01:01:17,336
She's crying?
1351
01:01:20,172 --> 01:01:25,211
I refuse to eat a bean pie
prepared by a white woman.
1352
01:01:25,244 --> 01:01:26,478
Damn, damn!
1353
01:01:26,512 --> 01:01:29,481
Did he just toss away
my bean pie?
1354
01:01:29,515 --> 01:01:31,250
Yeah.
1355
01:01:31,283 --> 01:01:33,786
Oh, my God.
You guys are in trouble.
1356
01:01:33,819 --> 01:01:35,421
Why? What is she about to do?
1357
01:01:35,454 --> 01:01:37,523
I don't know.
I'll let you figure that out yourself.
1358
01:01:37,557 --> 01:01:39,925
I'll be over here. That's all I can say.
1359
01:01:39,959 --> 01:01:42,094
- Where is she going?
- What's she about to do?
1360
01:01:42,127 --> 01:01:43,462
You'll find out.
1361
01:01:43,495 --> 01:01:44,430
- I don't...
- Oh, no.
1362
01:01:44,463 --> 01:01:45,798
She probably out there
calling the police,
1363
01:01:45,831 --> 01:01:48,767
- reporting us for not eating that nasty cornbread.
- Oh, my God!
1364
01:01:48,801 --> 01:01:50,336
The cornbread was emerald green.
1365
01:01:50,369 --> 01:01:52,304
- I've never seen cornbread that was green!
- Three...
1366
01:01:52,338 --> 01:01:54,139
- Two...
- Please don't come in here with a gun.
1367
01:01:54,173 --> 01:01:55,941
...one. You'll see.
1368
01:01:55,975 --> 01:01:57,476
Oh, my... Baby.
1369
01:01:57,509 --> 01:02:00,079
- What she got? What she...
- I don't know. I don't know.
1370
01:02:02,982 --> 01:02:04,950
Nobody messes
with my bean pie!
1371
01:02:07,886 --> 01:02:10,856
Oh, Heavens to Murgatroyd.
You could have put some of my clothes on.
1372
01:02:10,889 --> 01:02:13,926
Stop hating, bro.
You see these guns?
1373
01:02:13,959 --> 01:02:15,961
Gonna O.J. your white wife
away from you.
1374
01:02:15,995 --> 01:02:17,496
Boy, please.
1375
01:02:17,530 --> 01:02:21,433
You so skinny, if you turned
sideways, you'd be invisible.
1376
01:02:23,469 --> 01:02:25,838
Rachel,
that was, like, such an amazing joke.
1377
01:02:25,871 --> 01:02:27,406
Like, so original.
1378
01:02:27,439 --> 01:02:30,175
You even added Caucasian to it.
Like, you should be so proud of yourself.
1379
01:02:30,209 --> 01:02:31,443
No, really.
1380
01:02:31,477 --> 01:02:34,813
He's so skinny, if he turned
sideways, he'd be invisible.
1381
01:02:34,847 --> 01:02:36,515
Figuratively speaking.
1382
01:02:36,549 --> 01:02:37,883
No, I'm serious.
1383
01:02:37,916 --> 01:02:40,452
He's, like,
42 pounds soaking wet.
1384
01:02:40,486 --> 01:02:42,855
Y'all are just gonna sit here and
make me the butt of y'all jokes?
1385
01:02:42,888 --> 01:02:45,391
Come on, stand up.
1386
01:02:50,029 --> 01:02:52,031
Turn around. Watch.
You gonna be invisible.
1387
01:02:57,637 --> 01:02:59,539
He's gone. Told you.
1388
01:02:59,572 --> 01:03:01,240
You can turn back around now.
1389
01:03:01,273 --> 01:03:02,441
Oh, he's back.
1390
01:03:04,644 --> 01:03:07,212
Okay. Now that we have
everyone's attention...
1391
01:03:07,246 --> 01:03:09,248
We invited you all here
1392
01:03:09,281 --> 01:03:13,085
because we believe
that you should support us.
1393
01:03:13,118 --> 01:03:16,589
We want white people money.
1394
01:03:16,623 --> 01:03:17,856
Thank you.
1395
01:03:17,890 --> 01:03:20,627
Why does everyone feel like
y'all are entitled to my money?
1396
01:03:20,660 --> 01:03:22,595
We don't think we're entitled.
1397
01:03:22,629 --> 01:03:25,565
We only think it's fair
that you share.
1398
01:03:25,598 --> 01:03:28,267
I asked that fool for $20
last week and he told me no.
1399
01:03:28,300 --> 01:03:29,435
What's that got to do with me?
1400
01:03:29,468 --> 01:03:32,171
Baby,
you told me to tell him no. "Say no."
1401
01:03:32,204 --> 01:03:34,406
- Be quiet and let me do the talking.
- Okay.
1402
01:03:34,440 --> 01:03:36,508
We see who wears the pants
in that relationship.
1403
01:03:36,543 --> 01:03:39,511
No, no, no. Ha-ha!
I wear the pants. Okay?
1404
01:03:39,546 --> 01:03:42,181
I'm just happy
to have my Dove bar.
1405
01:03:42,214 --> 01:03:43,550
Oh, hush.
1406
01:03:43,583 --> 01:03:45,284
Yes, baby.
1407
01:03:46,919 --> 01:03:49,088
Black people are gonna trip
when they see this.
1408
01:03:49,121 --> 01:03:50,255
Yes. With his goofy ass.
1409
01:03:50,289 --> 01:03:53,392
Especially when they find out
you support Donald Trump.
1410
01:03:53,425 --> 01:03:54,694
I do not!
1411
01:03:54,728 --> 01:03:58,030
We gonna tell 'em that if you
don't give us the $500 million.
1412
01:03:58,063 --> 01:04:00,265
Oh! Okay.
Well, with that being said,
1413
01:04:00,299 --> 01:04:02,434
I think you have every right
in the world to know
1414
01:04:02,468 --> 01:04:05,572
that your husband
follows O.J. Simpson on Twitter.
1415
01:04:05,605 --> 01:04:09,609
I don't... Why? I don't...
I don't do that. No. No.
1416
01:04:09,642 --> 01:04:12,111
- He don't do that.
- Yeah.
1417
01:04:12,144 --> 01:04:15,147
Do you follow O.J. Simpson on Twitter?
1418
01:04:15,180 --> 01:04:16,448
Hon, no, what? What? No.
1419
01:04:16,482 --> 01:04:20,018
Yeah. He follows him for, like,
motivational dating purposes.
1420
01:04:20,052 --> 01:04:21,286
Give me your phone.
1421
01:04:21,320 --> 01:04:23,355
- Huh? Come on, babe.
- "Huh"?
1422
01:04:23,389 --> 01:04:27,326
Don't have me to repeat myself,
Darryl Dantelea Johnson.
1423
01:04:27,359 --> 01:04:29,629
Hey, you better not
give up that phone.
1424
01:04:31,163 --> 01:04:33,465
Give me your damn phone, now!
1425
01:04:33,499 --> 01:04:34,967
Hey, babe...
1426
01:04:35,000 --> 01:04:38,103
Man, you better not
give up that phone!
1427
01:04:39,706 --> 01:04:43,275
Ghost of Malcolm X,
where's your... Be cool!
1428
01:04:43,308 --> 01:04:46,311
Okay. Okay. Stop, stop, stop.
Okay, just stop.
1429
01:04:47,747 --> 01:04:49,481
I have something
that I need to say.
1430
01:04:51,316 --> 01:04:54,486
I had an actor
1431
01:04:54,520 --> 01:04:57,523
to come and send you that text.
1432
01:04:57,557 --> 01:04:58,758
To send Kareem the text.
1433
01:04:58,792 --> 01:05:02,127
He didn't win the billion dollars.
I set up everything.
1434
01:05:02,161 --> 01:05:04,430
- Okay? So...
- Oh...
1435
01:05:04,463 --> 01:05:06,231
You can forget
about telling America
1436
01:05:06,265 --> 01:05:08,066
that Kareem is
a Donald Trump supporter
1437
01:05:08,100 --> 01:05:09,702
because they will stop
supporting my shoe store.
1438
01:05:09,736 --> 01:05:11,336
They will literally boycott me.
1439
01:05:11,370 --> 01:05:13,071
- You're lying.
- I'm not lying.
1440
01:05:13,105 --> 01:05:14,574
Prove it.
1441
01:05:14,607 --> 01:05:16,341
I'm-a prove it right now.
1442
01:05:16,375 --> 01:05:20,446
I don't believe her.
She's full of it.
1443
01:05:20,479 --> 01:05:22,314
Yeah.
You can come on in right now.
1444
01:05:22,347 --> 01:05:23,716
What are you doing?
1445
01:05:25,517 --> 01:05:26,853
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I'm Brandon.
1446
01:05:26,886 --> 01:05:30,956
I was hired by Nora Newsome to
pretend to work for Miss Bezos.
1447
01:05:33,058 --> 01:05:34,059
What?
1448
01:05:36,328 --> 01:05:38,230
Why would you do this?
1449
01:05:38,263 --> 01:05:41,333
What about the car? The mansion?
1450
01:05:41,366 --> 01:05:44,369
The mansion and the Bentley
all belong to my uncle.
1451
01:05:44,403 --> 01:05:46,606
We actually hacked
into your computer
1452
01:05:46,639 --> 01:05:49,041
to make it look like
you were making a purchase.
1453
01:05:51,243 --> 01:05:56,415
So, he doesn't have
a billion dollars.
1454
01:05:56,448 --> 01:05:59,151
No, he doesn't even have $100.
1455
01:05:59,184 --> 01:06:01,520
In fact,
when I hacked into your account,
1456
01:06:01,554 --> 01:06:05,224
I decided to start
a GoFundMe page.
1457
01:06:07,092 --> 01:06:08,160
I can't believe it.
1458
01:06:08,193 --> 01:06:11,430
So you had me cook
all this soul food for nothing?
1459
01:06:11,463 --> 01:06:13,700
Give me your damn cell phone.
1460
01:06:13,733 --> 01:06:15,668
Babe, come...
1461
01:06:19,539 --> 01:06:21,574
You just unfollowed O.J.
1462
01:06:21,608 --> 01:06:24,309
We don't need you
getting any bright ideas.
1463
01:06:25,712 --> 01:06:28,815
I'm going to my "war" room,
1464
01:06:28,848 --> 01:06:30,449
so see yourselves out.
1465
01:06:36,121 --> 01:06:39,626
So, there's no...
billion dollars.
1466
01:06:44,631 --> 01:06:46,799
No billion dollars.
I'm an actor.
1467
01:06:46,833 --> 01:06:48,768
I can't believe it.
1468
01:06:51,804 --> 01:06:53,205
You know what?
1469
01:06:53,238 --> 01:06:57,142
All I know is you better be in to
work first thing tomorrow morning.
1470
01:06:57,175 --> 01:06:59,211
And if you're
even two seconds late,
1471
01:06:59,244 --> 01:07:01,681
two seconds, Kareem,
you're fired!
1472
01:07:03,215 --> 01:07:04,483
I'm going to my man cave.
1473
01:07:04,516 --> 01:07:06,418
You two let yourselves
out of here.
1474
01:07:07,319 --> 01:07:08,621
This is ridiculous.
1475
01:07:10,355 --> 01:07:11,356
I could kill you.
1476
01:07:14,126 --> 01:07:17,396
Why would you go and post that we're
billionaires all over your social media page?
1477
01:07:17,429 --> 01:07:19,532
You all said no news.
1478
01:07:19,566 --> 01:07:22,167
What's going on?
1479
01:07:23,002 --> 01:07:25,270
So, I had
this fool come over
1480
01:07:25,304 --> 01:07:27,774
to just pretend
that we didn't win the money.
1481
01:07:32,311 --> 01:07:34,446
So do we have
a billion dollars or not?
1482
01:07:34,479 --> 01:07:35,514
Yes.
1483
01:07:36,849 --> 01:07:41,588
Yes. We have a billion dollars,
baby.
1484
01:07:41,621 --> 01:07:44,456
Listen, I just...
I got everything you were saying.
1485
01:07:44,489 --> 01:07:47,192
You know, about when people find
out you make a lot of money,
1486
01:07:47,225 --> 01:07:49,729
they don't want to build with you.
They just wanna take.
1487
01:07:49,762 --> 01:07:52,765
So, I say we buy our building,
1488
01:07:52,799 --> 01:07:54,132
fix it up,
1489
01:07:54,166 --> 01:07:56,903
and we just start investing in
what we already have around us.
1490
01:07:56,936 --> 01:07:59,438
And, see, I'm...
I'm actually an actor.
1491
01:07:59,471 --> 01:08:03,475
Well, I'm not really an actor,
but you saw my chops.
1492
01:08:10,717 --> 01:08:11,751
I agree.
1493
01:08:15,220 --> 01:08:16,889
Okay. Okay.
1494
01:08:16,923 --> 01:08:18,591
- So, listen.
- Yes.
1495
01:08:18,625 --> 01:08:20,392
- From now on...
- Mm-hmm?
1496
01:08:20,425 --> 01:08:23,428
- ...everything we do is done in secrecy.
- Okay.
1497
01:08:23,462 --> 01:08:25,898
We have to hide the fact
that we have this money
1498
01:08:25,932 --> 01:08:28,568
and make it appear
as if someone else
1499
01:08:28,601 --> 01:08:31,671
is helping the community.
1500
01:08:31,704 --> 01:08:35,173
We need Black people to support
Black-owned businesses,
1501
01:08:35,207 --> 01:08:37,342
just like they do
Popeyes chicken.
1502
01:08:37,376 --> 01:08:39,646
Yeah, but they can
never know you're Black.
1503
01:08:39,679 --> 01:08:41,380
Now, that s a shame.
1504
01:08:41,413 --> 01:08:42,615
A real shame.
1505
01:08:42,649 --> 01:08:44,416
Well, I have an idea.
1506
01:08:44,449 --> 01:08:46,318
Uh, I'd like to open
a doughnut shop
1507
01:08:46,351 --> 01:08:48,387
and name it after
my wife, Becky Sue.
1508
01:08:48,420 --> 01:08:50,455
Can I get two million?
1509
01:08:50,489 --> 01:08:52,725
Uh, just don't post
about us anymore.
1510
01:08:52,759 --> 01:08:56,562
Ooh! You got me goin'!
1511
01:08:56,596 --> 01:09:00,265
- I'm sorry, baby.
- I love you.
1512
01:09:04,804 --> 01:09:06,471
I ain't mad at you.
1513
01:09:07,472 --> 01:09:09,508
Look, baby...
1514
01:09:09,542 --> 01:09:11,443
I know I joke around a lot...
1515
01:09:12,912 --> 01:09:14,279
but I really love you.
1516
01:09:15,280 --> 01:09:17,249
Aw, I know.
1517
01:09:17,282 --> 01:09:18,618
I can always look in your eyes
1518
01:09:18,651 --> 01:09:20,452
and they tell me
how you feel about me.
1519
01:09:20,485 --> 01:09:22,254
- Is that right?
- Mm-hmm.
1520
01:09:24,356 --> 01:09:26,592
- Well, what do they say right now?
- Mm...
1521
01:09:28,895 --> 01:09:30,630
Then it is time to go home.
1522
01:09:30,663 --> 01:09:32,899
Yeah, it's time.
It's about that time.
1523
01:09:32,932 --> 01:09:34,466
- Oh...
- Let's go.
1524
01:09:35,267 --> 01:09:36,401
What's wrong, baby?
1525
01:09:36,435 --> 01:09:38,303
Baby?
1526
01:09:38,336 --> 01:09:39,806
Baby,
I gotta boo-boo.
1527
01:09:39,839 --> 01:09:40,840
What? Oh!
1528
01:09:59,892 --> 01:10:01,894
My baby.
1529
01:10:02,662 --> 01:10:03,796
Good morning, baby.
1530
01:10:16,008 --> 01:10:17,810
Oh, babe.
1531
01:10:17,844 --> 01:10:20,880
I haven't seen you up
this early since... never.
1532
01:10:20,913 --> 01:10:24,584
Yeah. You know I decided to
be on time for work today.
1533
01:10:24,617 --> 01:10:27,519
Oh! You wait until
we're filthy rich.
1534
01:10:27,553 --> 01:10:29,055
Yeah. Well, you know,
I'm using this
1535
01:10:29,088 --> 01:10:31,624
as an opportunity
to discipline myself.
1536
01:10:31,657 --> 01:10:33,358
- Mm.
- Yeah.
1537
01:10:33,391 --> 01:10:34,627
Sounds good.
1538
01:10:34,660 --> 01:10:36,696
- I like it. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?
1539
01:10:39,031 --> 01:10:40,700
You know, actually,
1540
01:10:40,733 --> 01:10:42,467
we really need to go day by day
1541
01:10:42,501 --> 01:10:44,771
convincing people
like our coworkers,
1542
01:10:44,804 --> 01:10:47,372
friends and family members,
etcetera, etcetera,
1543
01:10:47,405 --> 01:10:49,876
that we still
the same broke-ass people.
1544
01:10:51,010 --> 01:10:52,344
You think you can do that?
1545
01:10:52,812 --> 01:10:54,547
Yeah. Yes, we can.
1546
01:10:54,580 --> 01:10:56,348
- Yeah...
- We can do that.
1547
01:10:56,381 --> 01:10:57,917
Go ahead on, Obama. Hey.
1548
01:10:57,950 --> 01:11:00,987
- All right. Well, I'm-a get back to...
- You are? Okay.
1549
01:11:01,020 --> 01:11:02,755
- I'll be up in a second.
- You look good there.
1550
01:11:02,789 --> 01:11:03,956
Oh, thank you, baby.
1551
01:11:03,990 --> 01:11:06,324
- All right, I see your muscles.
- They see you, too, baby.
1552
01:11:06,358 --> 01:11:08,060
- Well, get to it.
- Mm...
1553
01:11:08,094 --> 01:11:11,597
- Well, you...
- Sir, like I said, I am not about to keep talking over you.
1554
01:11:11,631 --> 01:11:13,566
- I've showed you all the...
- Hey!
1555
01:11:16,702 --> 01:11:17,804
Where's Peter?
1556
01:11:36,556 --> 01:11:40,626
Well, you know, that's a term
everyone in the hood knows.
1557
01:11:40,660 --> 01:11:43,963
Like, you know,
"We out here grindin'."
1558
01:11:43,996 --> 01:11:45,031
You know, that's what we say.
1559
01:11:45,064 --> 01:11:47,099
You know, "I need to make
this white people money."
1560
01:11:47,133 --> 01:11:49,001
- Yeah.
- You know, I gotta get paid.
1561
01:11:49,035 --> 01:11:50,002
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1562
01:11:50,036 --> 01:11:52,470
Now, before we begin,
we want everyone to know
1563
01:11:52,504 --> 01:11:55,473
that this is actually
based on a real story.
1564
01:11:55,507 --> 01:11:57,977
Um, it's actually our story.
1565
01:11:58,010 --> 01:11:59,879
I'm the real Nora Newsome,
1566
01:11:59,912 --> 01:12:03,415
and we've actually financed this
with our own money.
1567
01:12:03,448 --> 01:12:06,518
So, basically, what happened was
I saw Black & Privileged,
1568
01:12:06,552 --> 01:12:09,387
which is a film directed
and written by Mark Harris.
1569
01:12:09,421 --> 01:12:11,523
- Mark Harris!
- Hey!
1570
01:12:11,557 --> 01:12:15,460
So, we really enjoyed it and I
slid into his DMs on Instagram.
1571
01:12:15,493 --> 01:12:18,064
I asked if he would write
and direct this, you know,
1572
01:12:18,097 --> 01:12:20,132
TV show idea that we had,
and he agreed.
1573
01:12:20,166 --> 01:12:22,101
- So, here we are.
- Yeah.
1574
01:12:22,134 --> 01:12:25,638
Now, the funny thing is,
and I'm not gonna say any names,
1575
01:12:25,671 --> 01:12:29,474
but we were actually pitching
this idea around Hollywood,
1576
01:12:29,507 --> 01:12:31,944
and were in talks
with a major network.
1577
01:12:31,978 --> 01:12:35,081
But, you know, we had to kind of
go a different direction
1578
01:12:35,114 --> 01:12:39,484
because they were on some, like,
straight cooney-coon stuff.
1579
01:12:39,517 --> 01:12:41,153
You know? They wanted Nora,
1580
01:12:41,187 --> 01:12:43,623
you know, TV Nora, to be like...
1581
01:12:43,656 --> 01:12:47,425
"Um, I don't wanna just be rich.
I want to be rich and famous.
1582
01:12:47,459 --> 01:12:49,128
"I wanna kick it
with the Kardashians.
1583
01:12:49,161 --> 01:12:51,030
"'Cause you know
I love me some Khloe.
1584
01:12:51,063 --> 01:12:54,000
"Ooh, I definitely wanna hang
out with Jay Z and Beyonce.
1585
01:12:54,033 --> 01:12:57,536
"Even if it is up in an elevator.
Okurrr!"
1586
01:12:57,570 --> 01:13:01,807
"Ooh, I definitely finna smoke me
a fat one with Snoop Doggy Dogg."
1587
01:13:01,841 --> 01:13:03,109
Yeah.
1588
01:13:03,142 --> 01:13:06,045
See, they wanted us
to dance, set the jive.
1589
01:13:06,078 --> 01:13:09,048
- You know, Hollywood shuffled it.
- Exactly. Yes.
1590
01:13:09,081 --> 01:13:12,685
So, we decided to just go in a
different direction, do our own thing.
1591
01:13:12,718 --> 01:13:15,755
And, yeah, we're actually
gonna make fun of them now.
1592
01:13:15,788 --> 01:13:17,757
I mean, we're billionaires,
1593
01:13:17,790 --> 01:13:19,692
and they wanted me
to stay single.
1594
01:13:19,725 --> 01:13:21,627
You think... I don't think so.
1595
01:13:21,661 --> 01:13:23,129
No, we actually got married.
1596
01:13:23,162 --> 01:13:25,998
So, yes,
I'm Mrs. Nora Johnson now.
1597
01:13:26,032 --> 01:13:27,867
Capital "M" on the Mrs.
1598
01:13:27,900 --> 01:13:31,103
And, yeah, I would show you guys
my beautiful ring,
1599
01:13:31,137 --> 01:13:34,941
but, uh, why am I not
showing my ring, sweetie?
1600
01:13:34,974 --> 01:13:38,678
Because the order
hasn't come in yet.
1601
01:13:38,711 --> 01:13:41,147
- I ordered a nice size...
- Oh!
1602
01:13:41,180 --> 01:13:42,682
The nice size one. Right.
1603
01:13:42,715 --> 01:13:44,482
Because, see,
what had happened was
1604
01:13:44,516 --> 01:13:45,818
the original ring he ordered
1605
01:13:45,851 --> 01:13:47,920
was something that
you see in, like, Walmart.
1606
01:13:47,954 --> 01:13:49,655
Uh-uh, baby.
We are billionaires now.
1607
01:13:49,689 --> 01:13:51,257
My ring needs
to reflect that, okay?
1608
01:13:51,290 --> 01:13:52,425
So, I need you
to get it together.
1609
01:13:52,457 --> 01:13:55,127
You know, we just got this
money, so I'm being safe.
1610
01:13:55,161 --> 01:13:56,395
That's all. Just careful.
1611
01:13:56,429 --> 01:13:59,598
Billionaires, and he being safe.
I need my ring, sweetie. Okay?
1612
01:13:59,632 --> 01:14:01,600
Let's go 50 diamonds, boo.
1613
01:14:07,006 --> 01:14:09,542
Me? I was excited, you know?
1614
01:14:09,575 --> 01:14:11,711
Yeah. I was excited.
1615
01:14:11,744 --> 01:14:14,080
I kind of knew
I was gonna win, though.
1616
01:14:14,113 --> 01:14:15,715
I always...
1617
01:14:15,748 --> 01:14:17,883
knew I was gonna do
something with my life.
1618
01:14:17,917 --> 01:14:19,785
And I'm getting
much more sleep, too.
1619
01:14:19,819 --> 01:14:22,121
For real. Less hustle now.
1620
01:14:22,154 --> 01:14:23,889
- Yeah.
- Being out in no streets.
1621
01:14:23,923 --> 01:14:25,992
I'll admit I had my doubts,
1622
01:14:26,025 --> 01:14:27,460
but that was only because
1623
01:14:27,492 --> 01:14:30,563
he would come home every other day
wanting to do something different.
1624
01:14:30,596 --> 01:14:32,598
Like one day,
he wanted to be a fireman,
1625
01:14:32,631 --> 01:14:34,166
then he wanted
to make doughnuts,
1626
01:14:34,200 --> 01:14:36,635
then he wanted
to invest in Wall Street,
1627
01:14:36,669 --> 01:14:38,904
or what was it? Work at Walmart?
1628
01:14:38,938 --> 01:14:40,840
Or, hell, build Trump's wall.
1629
01:14:40,873 --> 01:14:43,676
You remember that time you came
back from working at your brother's
1630
01:14:43,709 --> 01:14:45,244
bummy-ass furniture store,
1631
01:14:45,277 --> 01:14:47,113
and you want to be a cop?
1632
01:14:47,980 --> 01:14:49,548
Yeah. Look, I kid you not.
1633
01:14:49,582 --> 01:14:52,585
He comes home,
goes out and buys a toy gun,
1634
01:14:52,618 --> 01:14:55,888
comes back and starts playing Cops and
Robbers with the little kids next door.
1635
01:14:56,822 --> 01:14:57,990
You okay, baby?
1636
01:14:58,024 --> 01:14:59,358
Oh, I'm fine.
1637
01:14:59,392 --> 01:15:01,927
I'm just sitting here waiting
for you to parrot Tony Robbins'
1638
01:15:01,961 --> 01:15:03,796
"Money is not
the key to happiness."
1639
01:15:03,829 --> 01:15:05,798
Let me tell y'all something, okay?
1640
01:15:05,831 --> 01:15:09,935
There is no evidence that says
poverty makes anyone happy.
1641
01:15:09,969 --> 01:15:11,837
Now you see me? I'm happy.
1642
01:15:11,871 --> 01:15:13,239
I've traveled the world,
1643
01:15:13,272 --> 01:15:15,741
I've tasted
very exquisite cuisines,
1644
01:15:15,775 --> 01:15:18,244
I frequently give
very charitable donations
1645
01:15:18,277 --> 01:15:19,779
to a little homeless villages
in Europe.
1646
01:15:19,812 --> 01:15:22,648
You know, with, like, the little
homeless white kids running around. Mm.
1647
01:15:22,681 --> 01:15:25,584
Matter of fact, we were gonna adopt
what, like, five or seven of them,
1648
01:15:25,618 --> 01:15:29,355
and then we found out that have our
own little bun in the oven coming.
1649
01:15:29,388 --> 01:15:31,157
So, plans changed on that.
1650
01:15:31,190 --> 01:15:32,658
But, um, yeah.
1651
01:15:32,691 --> 01:15:35,795
I still do my part 'cause those white
women that do all that charity work
1652
01:15:35,828 --> 01:15:37,963
definitely be
inspiring me, girl.
1653
01:15:37,997 --> 01:15:41,934
We rich,
we rich, we white people rich.
1654
01:15:41,967 --> 01:15:45,171
We rich, we rich,
we white people rich.
1655
01:15:45,204 --> 01:15:46,305
Chauncey...
127778
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