All language subtitles for Vision.Portraits.2019.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].eng

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

[PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

RODNEY:
I definitely knew
something was strange,

but I-- You know,
I don't think I...

thought so much about it.

WOMAN:
Keep looking straight ahead.

RODNEY:
I think there are always kind
of shifts in your perception

and your vision.

WOMAN:
And to the right.

RODNEY:
But then I think experiences
started to kind of accrue.

[WHIRRING]

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

RODNEY:
I would be walking
in a crowded subway platform,

and someone would
suddenly appear

just right in front of me.

WOMAN:
Down.

Perfect.

Move a little to the left

RODNEY:
You know, I'd be at a party,

and someone would
introduce me to someone.

You know, I'd smile.
I'd say hi.

And then suddenly they would
have a very strange,

uncomfortable look
on their face.

And then they'd say:

"Aren't you going
to shake my hand?"

That was just, like,

something really strange
is happening.

WOMAN:
Sit back.

[SUBWAY RUMBLING]

Just go straight ahead.

RODNEY:
I went to this
ophthalmologist,

and they ran
a bunch of tests.

Then they basically were like,
"Yeah, you have this very rare

genetic eye condition
called retinitis pigmentosa."

Basically,
your retina's deteriorating,

and you gradually get
more and more blind

as it progresses.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

RODNEY:
It started in late 1996,

and...

I was making films.

I loved films.

You know, I figured out
this way

of kind of working
with the crew

and letting them know
that I was visually impaired.

Even though
I'd made two features

being visually impaired, still,
that element of the unknown.

You don't know when something's
going to deteriorate

to the point where,
you know,

you're unable to compose
a shot from the monitor

and, you know,

you're unable to see
the emotion clearly

on an actor's face.

I think I'm trying
to figure out what it means

to work as a filmmaker,

where vision seems
so central.

You know, knowing that mine
will eventually go away.

The origins of the project
were just, like, my--

My own fears about being able
to continue as a filmmaker.

In a lot of ways, I feel like
I'm just looking for guidance

in how to be a blind artist.

[PROJECTOR WHIRRING]

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

JOHN:
When I was 33,

I woke up one morning,

and I went, and I turned
the hot water on,

and something akin
to a freight train

hit me and knocked me
off my feet.

My eyes went crazy.

The windows were
spinning in circles,

and the room was jittering.

It was like being on
an insane roller coaster.

So I fell on the floor,
pulled the sheet down,

crawled on the sheet,
and then,

like an inchworm,
kept folding and unfolding

like I was doing sit-ups
on my side,

and went slowly
across the apartment.

And I slid down the stairs.

And throwing up
the whole way.

[SIRENS BLARING]
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]

When I got to
St. Vincent's, um,

there were so many people
it was like a war zone.

There were--
You had to wait

sometimes two days
to get a bed.

By that time, I was paralyzed
on my left side,

and I couldn't hear
out of one ear.

And I thought, "Oh, man."

I thought, "This must be
the sound of the universe."

I could hear everything
that was happening

inside of my body.

[RUMBLING AND GURGLING]

That was the beginning of my--
My change.

My agent called.

And I said, "What's up?"

She said, "Oh, Bergdorf--
Honey, Bergdorf called,

and they've got
a full-page wedding dress ad

they want you to do.
What should I tell them?"

I thought, "Oh, my God.
I have nothing to lose now."

So I said, "Tell them I'm gay.
Tell them I'm HIV-positive.

I had a stroke, I'm paralyzed,
I'm going blind."

And she said, "Oh, gosh.

That's what you
want me to tell them?"

I said, "Tell them that
as soon as you hang up."

When I hung the phone up
it was one of those moments.

Oh, I felt free.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

My mother, my sister
and my brother came.

And they're standing
at the foot of my bed.

And I said,
"Why do you look so sad?"

I was exhausted and, like,
trying to be up for them.

And my mother said:

"Oh, sweetheart, we were
so proud of your career."

And I thought, "Were"?

And I said to my mother,
"What makes you think

I'm not gonna
take pictures anymore?"

She said, "What?"
I said, "Yeah.

I'm gonna be taking pictures
like crazy now."

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

RODNEY:
How long were
you in the hospital?

JOHN: About a year and a half.
RODNEY: Okay.

JOHN:
I set a goal for myself.

Staying alive,
learning how to walk,

learning how to take pictures
with my assistants,

having to let go of my ego.

That I'm not the one
framing the picture,

but because I was born verbose,

I'm very descriptive.

I always saw everything
in my mind first.

You know, I came out
of the hospital

with what I used to like to call
my crescent moon.

A very thin sliver of sight
on the bottom of one eye.

It was enough for me
to locate things

and fake that I could see
in the street

by following people.

I could see the feet.
So I'd follow the feet.

I'd hide behind people
and trail them.

What I see in my eye,
I see aurora borealis,

you know,
because it's so beautiful.

It's full of speckled light
and color

and flashing in violet
and orange.

And I see that right now,

my lovely optic nerve
is still working.

But it has nothing to do,
because there's no retina.

It has nowhere to flash
the signal to,

so my brain is giving me
color galore

every minute of the day
and night for the last 20 years.

Inside there
are shooting stars,

the Milky Way and mostly
aurora borealis,

because it moves like that
and shifts all the time.

They're like solar eruptions.
They're really beautiful.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

JOHN:
All those first
hundreds of pictures

in those first months,

they poured out of a vessel
like a libation.

They're already inside of me.

They were unlike
anything I saw before.

But because I had traveled
around the world

and seen all the great things
I needed to see,

I had that
visual vocabulary.

You know, I was lucky to have
my sight until I was 30.

But, again, I realized
I reached people

far more through beauty
than through gore.

Even when I wanted to make
The Stroke Seizure

with my friend Joao,
it turned out beautiful,

because he was a dancer.
I said, "This is what happened

when I had that stroke.

Can you give me your version
of it?"

There's always some melancholy
in there.

The quiet-- I'm never quiet.

The only time I feel quiet iswhen I have the shutter release

for the camera in my hand

Even though I had assistants
with camera,

I could focus with my fingers,
and that helped.

I was, like,
Braille focusing,

where I used to use chopsticks
and measure.

If I was by myself,
figure out where

the head is
in the center.

I was relentless.

And every time I had one
of these realizations,

like, yes, I'm going
to continue to take pictures.

Yes, it's the aurora borealis
that I see.

No, I'm not gonna die,

because now there's a cocktail

and my immune system soared.

Every time I had
a revelation like that,

it encouraged me to move
forward in a quieter

and more direct way.

He's just mean to everything
and everybody.

Um, but, you know,
I didn't know Miriam yet,

and I had just done something
with the same formula.

And it was like, oh, God,
I don't want to become

a formula photographer,
you know?

That's from...
Ninety-nine.

The Night Watches.

I'm like a 99
kind of guy.

Yes, you are.
[LAUGHS]

RODNEY:
Um, this one has...

uh, I think it's Octavio

fondling your ears.

[CHUCKLES]

Fondling.
Fondling.

This is a photograph
of my dear friend Octavio.

And I took a lot
of strength from him.

He lost his sight
immediately.

From one day to the next,
it was gone.

I've never seen a stronger
human being

look immediately to the bright
side and the comedic side,

and just take
the whole thing in stride

in a way I couldn't
possibly imagine.

Most famously, for me,
he said to me, oh, man--

"Pa," he said,
"You are going to be so happy

when you lose
the rest of your sight."

I looked at him in horror.

And I said, you know,

"What on earth do you mean?"

He says, "You can stop
worrying about it.

You're so worried about
that little bit of sight,

it's ruining your life.

You'll see how free
you're gonna be."

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

I was starting
to feel invisible.

I didn't feel like
people could see me,

because I couldn't
see them anymore.

And I use these
to heal myself.

All these pictures
are a part of my biography,

proving to myself

that I could still function
in a way that was

not expected
of a blind person

was really going
to be the thing.

You don't need your eyes.

When I give a talk

to a particularly receptive
audience somewhere, there are--

Somebody always asksduring the question and answer,

"How do you take the picture?What kind of camera do you use?

How do you do that--?"

I ask everybody
to close their eyes.

And I go down the list slowly.

I said, "Every time
I say a word,

I want you to see
what I say.

Plum. Mother. Rose. Flower.

Sunset. House."

Then they open their eyes.
I'm like, "Okay,

what didn't you see
with your eyes closed?"

They're like, "Nothing."
And then that's--

The point is well made.

It's so simple.

RODNEY:
Can we do that?

Yeah, you want to do it?
RODNEY: Yeah.

Okay, who's going to be the--?
RODNEY: I'm closing my eyes,

you're looking at me,
and you're doing it

in the way that you would do it.
All right.

Film camera.

Car. A Lincoln Continental.

Asphalt. A tree pole.

The forest. Your mother.
Your father.

Do I need to go on?
An open book.

A glass of water.

Do you know, it's endless.

You have-- That is the mystery
of all of this,

is that it's all inside
your body.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

JOHN:Here's Octavio, who I mentioned
a few minutes ago.

It was exhilarating for me
to sit so close

to a happy,
fully blind person.

Really beautiful.

The first time
somebody called and said:

"We're doing this thing at
the Metropolitan Museum of Art,

and we need some PWAs to come."

I looked at the phone
and I was like, "What is that?"

I said, "What? What did you--?
What?"

I was like, PW-- I'm like,
oh, I'm a PWA now.

"Person With AIDS."

I didn't like that at all.

I went up the stairs.

She said, "Hey."
I said, "What?"

She said, "You're the only PWA
who showed up."

I went up,
and I went "Ahem, ahem."

I bent the microphone forward
and I started talking.

And it was like
that flash thing.

The more I talked, the more
words came into my mind.

I said that I had just come
out of the hospital,

that one of the very, very
troubling things about HIV

is the loss of eyesight
for many people

at the end stage of AIDS.

Usually came
the very last thing,

which is a loss of eyesight.

I said, "But, strangely,

I got my loss of eyesight
in the beginning."

So I said, "I was able to live
through that."

And then I said,
"If anybody has a brother,

a son, a sister,
a partner, a lover,

and they're losing
their sight,

go to them immediately,
be with them,

and let them know
that their life isn't over."

And then in a big,
dramatic moment,

I turned around, and I took
my friend Sheila's arm,

and I slowly went up the steps.
And--

Oh, man, sorry.

You know, like the sense memory
of that is still so alive in me.

It's so beautiful that you can
still see something,

and know you always will
be able to.

But I keep-- I probably
say it the tenth time,

you have such other venues
in your mind and in your heart

that you can draw
on your work from.

I've imagined
a world of beauty.

And there's no litter.

People don't look tired.

Everybody looks the same
as they always looked.

Nobody gets older or younger.

Everybody's hair looks great.

I don't want to get
my sight back, exactly.

I don't want to sound
too cavalier.

It would be interesting.

But I always think that
I would probably throw up

if I got my sight back.

The last time
I really saw the world

was in 1994.

You know, a lot's changed.

But it's fun to live
in this bliss.

I haven't thought about
these things this intently

in a long time.

They're so rich,

and they're so moving,
still, to myself.

I'm so happy that
I stayed on the planet

to experience them.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

RODNEY:
I don't wanna be in
this liminal space.

For me, it's a place

that's completely scary
and frightening.

It can be enraging.

I think I think of it
as a restriction on--

On my freedom.

I wish that I could have
the freedom that I had

before I was diagnosed.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

You know, it's hard to imagine
that freedom might lie

in the other direction:

total blindness.

I mean, who knows, right?
Maybe blindness is, like,

the reversal
of being a baby,

and you're entering
this new space

with all that you know

and all that you've seen
inside of you.

That being said,

I'm trying to hold on
to what I do have

for as long as possible.

I have less than 10 percent

of a normal person's
visual field

in each eye

that's very, very focusedand concentrated in the center.

If I go like this...

I don't see my fingers until...

there.

And then there.

And then there.

Like a horse with blinders.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

I am interested
in newer technology

and clinical trials
and scientific exploration.

I mean, for right now
it's about maintenance.

But I do think that there are
potential breakthroughs

that are on the horizon.

It's almost like a waiting game
for technology to advance.

The more that your vision
deteriorates,

the more you deem
things unsafe.

I was sitting on Amtrak,
on my weekly commute.

And, you know, I was just tired
and kind of dozing off.

And I looked up.

And it said Penn Station.

And so I quickly kind of
gathered my belongings

and was trying to
kind of get out

before the door closed.

And so I got up
and, you know, had my cane.

There were two people
behind me,

and...they were, like,

getting really,
really anxious.

And they were like,
"Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

Move it!
Go, what's wrong with you?

Move it!"

So I stuck my cane
in the door

to kind of prevent it
from closing.

And they were just being
really aggressive,

like, pushing me,
basically.

And then the door opens
and they're like,

"Move it!"

And then I turned around
and I was like,

"I'm fucking blind!"

Like, really loudly
and aggressively.

And, um...

And the guy was like,
"Sorry, sorry."

And he just felt
really, really terrible.

But then I felt really weird
just being, like,

expected to be able
to kind of swiftly get,

you know, off the train.

It ends up it's
Newark Penn Station

instead of
New York Penn Station.

And so one guy was like
basically helping me

to cross over
to New Jersey Transit

to get the train
to 34th Street.

I was just kind of
like dozed and exhausted.

And the door opened
to the train,

and I basically
fell into the gap

between the train
and the platform.

And, like, I literally--

The platform, like,
came up to here.

Like, up to my chest.

And I was like,
oh, my God.

And-- And luckily
a couple of guys were like,

"Holy shit,"
and they, like, run over,

and they come and, like,
pick me up from the tracks

and through this gap between
the platform and the train.

And it was just, like,
my leg was, like,

completely kind of scraped.

And-- And, you know,

there was, like, blood
soaking through my pants.

And I was just like,
oh, my God.

I just need to,
like, be in my bed.

You know when you always hear
that sort of, like,

"Mind the gap between...

Between the platform...

[LAUGHS]

...and the train."

And, like,
that's a real thing.

I don't know,
so I just thought about it

as one of those, like,
special nights of frustration

that I sometimes experience.

[GUITAR PLAYING]

[MAN SINGING]

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

KAYLA:
Dance is an interstellar
space activity.

Dance is not just motion.

Dance is... Is a gesture.

It's a memory
that lives with us.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

WOMAN:

I don't--

[LAUGHS]
It doesn't take much.

It doesn't take much.

I mean...

KAYLA:

Girl...

You know, let me tell you...
[LAUGHS]

You have a cleavage line.
I never got one.

Yes, I need you to count
to your frigging blessings

and go with it.

All right, I'm not gonna
to go heavy.

KAYLA:
Okay, what's that?

This is, um,, black liner
for your inner eye.

Oh, okay.
It's all good.

She's gonna be
A-Okay.

Okay, blink.

You did it.
Oh, okay, that's not bad.

All right. All right.

I don't care about that eye.

Is that---?

Yeah, this eye--
This eye--

It's there for decoration.

[LAUGHS]
Really?

Okay, I'm going
to have to go...

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

Just because...

All right. Boom.
She cute.

KAYLA:
When I was born,

I only had functional seeing
vision in one eye.

Around 4 or 5,

I remember going to the doctor
and them saying,

"She needs to wear a patch."

I don't remember,
necessarily, the specifics.

I just remember
having to wear an eye patch

over my strongest seeing eye.

in order to make
the other eye stronger.

Which never happened.

When I put the eye patch on,

I literally couldn't
see anything.

So all I did was sleep.

And as I was growing up
they're like,

"Well, we need to put you
in something,

to keep you active,

to keep you engaged,

and not worried about
the eyesight as an issue."

So my parents said,

"Well, let's put Kayla
in dance classes."

[UP-TEMPO PERCUSSIVE
MUSIC PLAYING]

Having more limited vision
than other artists,

it gives me more access
to feeling and sensation.

The visual of how
I look is less important

than what I'm feeling.

So dirty.

My husband says,
"What's the point having glasses

if you're going to keep them
so dirty?"

Oh, well.

So I was born with vision

out of my right eye.

When I was in college,

that's when other conditions
started to happen

with my seeing eye.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

We were driving at night,

and I really couldn't see
the street signs.

My friend was like,
"Watch out, watch out!"

She had to reach over
and turn the wheel.

And she was like,
"You didn't see that?

You were about to run
off the road."

And I was like,
"No, I really didn't see it."

So I went to my optometrist
that I had when I was younger.

He told me that I had
a disease called iritis.

Arthritis of the eye.

So I took the eye drops
that were prescribed to me.

And I had to take them
for quite some time

to get rid of that
inflammation.

I would say maybe a year
had passed,

and I go to the doctor.

And that's when they determined
that because of the overuse

of the steroids to get rid
of the inflammation,

it had given me glaucoma.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[EXHALES]

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

RODNEY:
I was just wondering
about some of the challenges

as a visually-impaired dancer.

KAYLA:
Being, like,
on the same counts

with other dancers
is really hard.

If I'm having to use
my peripheral.

I mean, meaning I don't have
anything on my left side.

So if you're a dancer
on my left side,

we're not gonna
be together.

And then the ones
that are on my right,

you know, unless
you're catty-corner,

I need to, like,
turn my head.

Spotting? Yes, I can.

But what good is it really
gonna do me?

When a teacher is, like,
doing moves

and it's, like, spatial,

and we're moving upside down
and in and around,

and I'm just like,
"Dude, no."

I guess I keep asking myself

the questions
when I dance.

Like, why...

Don't pretend.

Like, right?

When you are doing something
and you can't actually see them

to be in time with them,

but what--
Who is that for?

You know what I mean?
Like, who am I pretending for?

If that's what I need,

that's what I need
to give myself.

I mean, just theater lighting
is challenging.

If I have to enter
in a blackout? No.

Someone needs
to take my hand

and walk me to where
I need to start.

Which means that there
has to be some level of trust.

[INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY]

My best dancing

is when my eyes are closed.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

I remember waking up
one morning,

and I was checking my phone
to check the time.

And I couldn't see
the time.

And...

You know what?
I blinked.

Because sometimes
when I wake up,

um, my vision takes
a while to adjust.

It's, like, a little blurry.

But that was not the case.

And I turned on
the television.

Um, and I couldn't read
the subtitles.

And I looked at
a piece of mail,

and I couldn't read
the letters on the page.

Um...

[VOICE BREAKING]
And that was really scary.

Because even throughout, like,
the journey of, like,

my-- All my diseases,

it had never gotten
to the place

where I just really
couldn't see.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Getting around the city,

I just did it
by muscle memory.

Like, I really couldn't read
subways stops.

This is, like, three months
of me not being able to see.

It was hard to function.

I needed a really
invasive procedure,

where they had to go in
and cut the eye.

Obviously,
I was really terrified.

So I go to a new doctor.

She says, "It's possible that
you may need this surgery...

but I want to try
something else first

that's least invasive.

It's, you know,
not as intense."

WOMAN:
Green blinking light.

I want you to focus
on that light at all times.

KAYLA:
"It's likely not
to work, but...

let's give it a try."

And look down.

Look to the left.

And to the right.

Ooh.

Are you feeling okay?

Yeah. I'm nervous.

Don't be nervous.
Don't be nervous.

We're going to do
a couple of more exams,

and just give me
a few minutes.

I'll let you sit and dilate,
and I'll be back, okay?

Okay. Thank you.
All right. You're welcome.

KAYLA:
I won't forget.

I came home,

and I was laying
on the couch...

[SOBS]

...and I took, like,
the sunglasses off

that they give you.

And I just turned on the TV...

and I can see it.

I was just feeling
so much gratitude.

[SIGHS]
Um...

Went back the next day.

[SNIFFLES]

And pressure was good.

I could see.

[SNIFFLES]

You know, just after that,
I was just, like,

wow...

That was the longest, like,
three or four months of my life.

And I was so depressed.

I had...

no...

[SNIFFLES]

I was really ready
to kill myself at some point

in those three to four months.

[CHANTING IN
FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

And I just remember
saying to myself, like...

[SIGHS]

...there's some healing
to be done

through this process.

And, uh, how can I use
my art form

as a way of sharing what it is
that I'm experiencing?

I never fully existed
and acknowledged, like,

this aspect of who I was.

I mean, that was, like,
the birth ofNearly Sighted.

It gave me, I mean,
more permission

to tell my story,

and to learn about
other people's stories.

To, like, value difference.

[WOMEN CHANTING]

So I started to raise funds

to pay each
of the choreographers.

It was important for me
to have black women,

because, yes,
it was about my vision.

But it's about what
other stories

are not out in the world
being told

in the masses
in concert dance.

And those are of other
black women choreographers.

Each interaction that I had
with the women

really enhanced
my personal healing

of my eyesight, sincerely.

All right, guys.
Talk to me.

So whatever view
that they see,

they're gonna see
some part of you.

Mm-hmm. Something. Yeah.

Well, that's the idea, right?
Like, the peripheral--

You may not catch--
I don't catch everything.

Yeah.
[LAUGHS]

And whatever you get is still
beautiful in that moment.

KAYLA:
Mm-hmm. What about the bath?

The ritual?
Did it take too long?

Well, I don't want
to bore people--

But don't you hate
when you go to dances

and you're just like,
"Oh, my God! Finish!"

No?

[WOMAN LAUGHS]
No?

Well, hey, let's play it
and see what happens.

Like, I don't--
But I like the-- The...

trying to-- To wear
the glasses while dancing.

And that just
doesn't work.

Again, thank you,
those of you, you know,

I'm not going
to break down today.

I'm just so ready
to get this thing over with.

But I'm just so focused
on just having fun tonight

and just sinking in,
whatever that is.

If I break down,
don't worry.

I got myself. I'm good.

I'll-- If I tell you
to stop the music, stop the--

Like, whatever I'm--

Who knows what
I may do tonight?

That's what kind of mood
I'm in, okay?

[ALL LAUGH]

[ALL APPLAUDING]

[CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]

ALL [SINGING]:
Go, music

Go, music

Hey

WOMAN:
Go, Kayla's show.

MAN:
We're proud of our artists
for really challenging

who it is that
we are in the world.

And tonight,
we have Kayla Hamilton.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

KAYLA:
It was important for me

for the audience
to wear the eye patches,

to give them a sense
of a different perspective.

Like, forcing them to see
in a different way.

There is something about
shifting your own perspective

to witness something,
and how does that experience

change, enhance,
make you question

how it is that you see?

[WIND GUSTING]

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

RODNEY:
Sophie Calle did this book
calledBlind.

It starts out,
"I met people who were blind.

I asked them what
their image of beauty was."

"One evening in November 2004,
I went to bed,

"and when I woke up
the next day,

all I could see was light."

It's interesting that people
think of blindness as black.

But so often
it's actually described

as completely white.

"On the Riviera, I was told
that you can see the mountains

"reflected in the sea.

"It must be beautiful

when landscapes blend together
like that."

"My mother is beautiful
because she's tall,

and her hair goes down
to her bottom."

I actually remember...

telling my mom
that I needed a cane.

And, you know,

her buying me, like,
a walking cane

as opposed to, like,
a red-tipped blind man's cane.

You know, as almost
like a way of passing.

Of, like, giving me
what I needed,

but then also not letting
the world know that I was blind

or, like, visually-impaired.

You go through this process
of passing as sighted

for, you know,
as long as you can.

As long as you feel
comfortable.

I'm already within
one of the most racist,

homophobic industries
that exists, right?

So, like, it's sort of like
adding another element

to an already difficult
circumstance.

I was afraid
of the stigmas,

and the ways in which
that might, like,

negatively affect
future career possibilities.

So for a while,
I think that that

was definitely affecting
my level of, like, honesty,

of whether or not people
should know

whether or not
I felt comfortable

in public with, like, a cane,

because someone in the industry
might see me.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

And then it just becomes
so exhausting

that it just--

It's just, like,
no longer tenable.

[LAUGHS]

So I think for a long time,

that's kind of why I didn't
want to be a part of the film.

Because I was afraid
to visually be represented

onscreen with a cane asa visually-impaired individual.

And then I just started
to feel disingenuous

to not be part of the film.

[KEY CLICKS IN LOCK]

I am going to present
the two special jury prizes.

The first one is an award
for passion of subject.

It goes to a film
that pushes forward

the cultural discourse
of its subject

with energy and passion.

And the special jury prize

goes toBrother to Brother,

directed by Rodney Evans.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow, this is such an honor.

I really want to dedicate
this award, also,

to just the hope that this
represents an opening up

and an acceptance
of more complex

and layered portrayals
of African-American life.

Thank you very much.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

I would say in the last
five or six years,

there has been further
deterioration.

And I think just with
every film,

I sort of come to it

with a new set
of circumstances.

And I have to sort of
meet the project

where my condition is,

and let people know
where it is

and what kind of help
I need in certain areas.

If I need a monitor
right next to me

that's of a certain size.

If I need a clear path
to the actors.

Holy shit,
what happened?

RODNEY:
Just asking for
what you need, really,

and not being
ashamed or afraid.

Were there any witnesses?
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

RODNEY:
The reason that
I'm a filmmaker

is 'cause I want people
to feel something.

Tell me.

RODNEY:
And the way that
I can maneuver that

and manipulate that is through
the actors' performance.

Hello, Mom?

What's going on?

RODNEY:
I tend to be very interested

in the face as a landscape,

and how emotions shift
on someone's face.

And he just kept screaming,

"Not in my house."

RODNEY:
Ironically, I think
it is helpful to me

to not have
peripheral vision,

because that way I don't
actually think so much

about the entire apparatus
that goes into production,

because I literally
don't see it.

So, you know,
I think in that regard

my visual impairment
actually has been helpful

in getting to the heart
of the actors' performance.

[ALL APPLAUDING,
CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN: That was intense.
WOMAN: That was awesome!

Bravo!

RODNEY:
I think that there's
an added sense of urgency

to making films now while
I have the vision that I have.

The general prognosis
with people with RP

is that in your 60s,

the disease will generally
start to progress.

And, um, you know,
so that's not a lot of time.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

RYAN:
There's such a weight on it
when you are...

When you first enter the idea
you're gonna lose your sight,

it feels like
a terminal point.

You know, that you're gonna goto this place called Blindness,

and that's where you stay.

But there is something
on the other side.

It's just a different way
of living.

It's a different
point of view.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

What's our head count?

Somebody quick
head count for me.

STUDENT: Fifteen.
Fifteen?

Okay, we're in.

So, what I'm going to do is
before next class,

I'm going to send you a link
to a Moth story.

And, um, what
we're going to do next time,

is we are going to actually
map it out.

See if we can map out the beats
of a story together,

and see how--

It's sort of like,
you know,

retro engineering
the outline of the story.

The Mothis a show
that started in New York,

I think, maybe in the '90s.

They have a podcast.

And our first exercise

is based on the kind of story
they would do.

They do true stories.

So your exercise is
to write a story,

tell a story
that is true.

It has to have happened
to you.

And the length I'm gonna give
you is about a thousand words.

Um...

[CLEARS THROAT]

So when I was 18,

and the doctor told me I was
gonna go blind very slowly,

the thing he didn't mention

is that it was gonna be
super boring.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I mean...

like, you might know,

but there isn't much
to look at.

So I started doing research.

And I wanted to travel the world
to educate my senses.

Sort of broaden
their horizons.

And I wanted to travel,
you know,

with what I thought
was a fairly simple question,

which is, if I could go anywhere
just to touch something,

what would I go touch?

I came across
this little festival

in a town called
Sweetwater, Texas,

where every year they hold

the world's biggest
rattlesnake roundup.

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]

I know.

So I decide I'm gonna go
with my brother, Michael,

because he was the only person
ridiculous enough to go.

And we get inside the door,

and he freezes in terror.

And he says,

"I don't mean to exaggerate...

but it's all snake."

Which is a cruel thing
to say to a blind person.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
So I said to my brother,

"I can't do this.
We have to leave."

He's like,
"Let's go to the back.

"We'll register for the hunt
at the table,

and then we'll leave."

The next day, my brother
and I go out on the hunt.

Standing there
on the side of the road,

Jeb gave us our only
instructions.

And he began this way.
He said...

"They are everywhere.

You will keep your eyes down
at all times."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

My brother leaned over to me,
he said,

"You are so screwed."

[AUDEINCE LAUGHING]

So my brother and I
go back to the rodeo,

and we discover if you say
to somebody you're blind

and you're from Canada,
you can do anything.

I judged the rattlesnake
cook-off.

People gave me their guns

and let me shoot.

A blind guy from Canada
is in the beauty pageant,

and I am holding
my first snake.

And I am skinning it.

And when I'm done,

the guy's who's helping me
puts something in my hand.

It's small, about
the size of a chestnut.

And then it beats.

And I felt--
I didn't know--

I felt what life is,

which is it comes from
just this little thing,

this twitch.

And it's just a moment
where you think it stopped.

And then it just
keeps trying.

And when I was done,

I put my bloody palm
to the wall.

And I am not worried
about boredom,

because the world
is just that horrifying

and strange and loud.

Thanks.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLUAUDING]

My diagnosis was on
my 18th birthday.

That was when I was
officially diagnosed with RP.

The symptoms of ithad been there for years prior.

I was with my girlfriend,
for example,

and we'd gone
to a high school dance.

We were leaving
the parking lot,

and it was this long road
in front of the school.

Went across the lane
I should have been in,

and was driving
in the oncoming lane.

And I guess
my girlfriend thought

I was just playing a joke.
Am I playing chicken

to see how long I could do this
without her cracking?

So she said nothing.

We drove in this
oncoming lane together,

quietly together.

I could see,
right in front of my car,

where the headlights were
illuminating most intensely,

then I could see these lights
in the distance

on an oncoming car,

but I couldn't really see
much in between.

We got closer and closer
to this thing,

and I wasn't moving,and she wasn't saying anything.

And, you know, last minute she
just said, you know, "Move!"

And she grabbed the wheel,

and we go back into
the actual proper lane.

And this truck goesbarreling by, blowing its horn.

We are now in that moment
in the car

where I've just about
killed us,

and I don't know
how to explain it.

And she is fuming.

That was the end
of that relationship.

[LAUGHS]

So we went to get
my glasses checked

to see if
my prescription was off,

and that's when we found out,

because he shined a light
in my eye,

and it didn't come back
the way it should.

And so he did more tests
and realized

my retinas were starting
to deteriorate.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

I started going
to the nightclubs.

You know, at the time,

you know, I had the white cane
but I wasn't using it.

So at the end of the day

of trying to pass
as a sighted person,

and the exhaustion of that,

if you go to a dark nightclub

where people bang
into each other

and you disappear into that

and you don't seem
any different,

that was such a relief.

It was just such relief.

And to be physical,

to just throw yourself
around on a dance floor

into people with abandon,
and not try and shuffle along

and not bump into people
as I did the rest of the day,

I mean, that was one
of its main functions for me.

And the second thing it gave me
was just the attitude

of that music. Um...

It's a great way to cope
with embarrassment.

So when you're the guy
that pisses between the urinal,

it's much better
if you're a punk rock guy

than if you're not.

Nonfiction, which we're going
to start with,

is the art of taking away.

It's the art of omission.

So really, it's closer
to sculpture that way.

You're taking raw material,

and you are removing
the unnecessary

to reveal the story
that's inside it.

And we already talked
a little bit about how

to search for the stories.
Remember?

Looking for particular
emotional nodes.

Embarrassment,
we like to read about.

We like to read about
humiliating things.

Frightening things.

Dramatic things.

There's a writer in Toronto
named Brian Fawcett,

who I really admired.

He came to my reading,

and it was from
my first book of poems.

And I got up on stage.

At that time,
what I would do is I--

I asked them to make sure
they could aim a light

really intensely
on the book.

Then I'd have it up
really close to my face.

And I had them sort of
partially memorized.

Then I would try and readthem, like everybody else does.

You know, I started reading,
and I just kept flubbing it

and getting lost, and couldn't
follow the letters anymore.

And it was super embarrassing.

And I remember Brian shouted
from the back of the room.

He said, "Slow down,
do it again.

They're gonna learn
something."

And I did it
over and over and over.

And I made the audience
sit through

watching a blind man
try to read.

Afterwards, I realized
what he meant.

I was pretending.

I was trying to pretend I could
do what sighted people do,

and what the audience
was learning

was how much work I was doing
trying to pass.

And that was something

I had not admitted to myself,
really, yet.

I had that moment where
I had a point of view now.

Like, I realized blindness is
a point of view on the world.

It's not something
I should avoid.

It's something
I should look from.

And I should make it
my writerly point of view.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

I didn't know what
I was gonna write next,

and Brian said to me,

"Write me some little pieces
for the website

about what it's like
to be blind.

But don't jam
your head in your navel

and tell me about
your sad feelings."

He was the one who said to me,

"Write about what it's like
to be a blind person in IKEA."

And out came
these little pieces.

And it was funny.

I realized,
it was the cure.

Like, it was the cure
I'd been looking for.

Writing about it,
it took all the edges

off what happened to me.

It didn't make it
so personal or threatening.

It now became slapstick.

And the world couldn't hurt me
when I was narrating it.

I spent eight months
at my kitchen table.

I would think of subjects.

You know, blindness
and such and such.

And then try and recall
the anecdotes of my life

that could speak
to those issues

and track the change
that had happened in me,

from a sighted person
to a blind person.

And just write down
those stories.

And I became so addicted

to doing it.

I swear, that's the moment
I became a writer.

It was settling me
inside my skin

in a way it hadn't before.

You know how exhausting it is
when you're trying to...

Compensate.
Compensate,

and anticipate,
and retrofit.

Yeah.
It's exhausting.

Yeah.

I just don't want
to do it anymore.

Ever again.

RODNEY:
Yeah, I was going to say...

RYAN:
That's hard-- I told them here.

RODNEY: Yeah.
RYAN: Before they hired me.

The computer tech wasn't quite
there yet, but it was close.

I thought it was pretty risky
of them to do it.

RODNEY:
Yeah.

But I feel what you're saying,
because...

It's sort of like
if you tell people...

does it help you
get the job?

Probably not.
Mm-hmm.

Could it hinder you
getting the job?

Probably so.
Right.

RYAN:
You really control the tone.

RODNEY: Yeah.
RYAN: And their confidence.

RODNEY:
Right.

'Cause if it's not
a big deal to you,

it won't be to them.
RODNEY: Yeah.

You know, but I remember
they had that reaction

of, like, how are you going
to do it?

Because they'd never
had to consider that before.

And if you have answers...

RODNEY:
Right...

Yeah.

[COMPUTER CHATTERING RAPIDLY]

Did you understand
any of that?

[LAUGHS]
RODNEY: No.

So you set the rate of--
The speed of the voice

as fast as you can
comprehend.

Yeah, I can go faster.
You can?

But what I find

is I can't think as fast
as I can listen to it.

I have this very ongoing,
odd triangular relationship

with the computer voice
as my mediator to everything.

But I'm very superstitious
about it, so I don't change it.

And so my writing style
has emerged as very...

um, oratory, you know,
it's very oral.

That's my reading experience.

You know,
sighted people read,

they have a voice
in their head.

And I don't have one.

I haven't
had one for years,

because I never
read to myself.

That's the child care center.

That's where Tess went.

We had this thing where I was
taking her to day care,

and she was riding
in the baby backpack.

And she just said, "Bear."

"Bear. Bear. Bear"

And I was, like, "Where?"

[BOTH LAUGH]

Because we do get them
on campus.

And she was freaking out.
Uh-huh.

And she started crying.

And I'm like,
"This way?"

And I'd sort of go one way,
and she'd get more upset.

And it turns out that she had
dropped her teddy bear.

Ah.
And that's what she was--

[LAUGHING]
We were moving away from it.

Just a bear.

Here, I'll take your elbow.
I remember--

You want to take
my other elbow?

I'm okay.
You're good?

RYAN:
There's a different quality

in my life now that
I've become a father

and a husband than
when I was just on my own,

being stupid in nightclubs.

In going blind, you enter
that realm of disability,

sort of swinging
your sledgehammer

and your weight around.

And, you know, I've been blind
for so long now,

and I-- I just don't even
think about it that much,

in some ways.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

Called Café Napoli.

Yeah, it's 15 years.

Fifteen years?

Always the same table?
RYAN: Yeah.

RODNEY: Yeah?
RYAN: Yeah, I sit either--

When I switch projects,
I switch sides.

Yeah, like right now,
I would be sitting there.

I think writing down your life
changes the life you live.

Um, you know, you...

you transform it,
in a way.

Your memories ossify.

You know, the way you write
a memory becomes the memory.

I had not thought of
blindness as funny

prior to writing it down.

You look at the situation
of losing your sight,

and that kind of angry place
that I was.

Writing gave me a feeling
of control over my life

I didn't have before.

It allowed me
to control how I feel

about the things that happen
to me as a blind person.

And they allowed me
to control my attitude

towards the world
in a different way.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

Okay...

Maybe that's enough.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

RODNEY:
I am going to be doing

a 10-day procedure

that involves
neuro-ophthalmology,

which is electrical stimulation
of the brain.

I am cautiously
optimistic.

You know, I'm hopeful
that I'll be able to restore

some of my peripheral vision.

So here we are in Reykjavík,

uh, having a delay
in our travel to Berlin,

to the Center
for Sight Restoration.

I feel like I have, um,

really...

sort of run out of options

in terms of the treatments
in the States.

And I'm doing
what I can to maintain

the vision that I have.

But I don't feel like
there's necessarily

that much more
that I could be doing.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

FEDOROV:
We did two examinations.

And what we saw, of course,
the damage is severe.

Yeah.
Ja.And then somehow,

machine provides
information,

how much vision preserved.
Yeah.

You have, for your left eye,
9 percent.

Uh-huh.
And your right eye

has 8 percent
of preserved vision,ja.

Okay.

Of course,
it's not too much.

Yeah.
And we can see very clear

that in both eyes,
there is tunnel vision.

Mm-hmm.
Ja,very limited.

But we saw
many patients when,

even they came to us
with just tunnel vision,

after treatment they realize
that side vision improved.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

RODNEY:
There seems like a real...

difference between the haves
and the have nots

in terms of, like,
access to medical treatment.

I feel really fortunate

to have met someone

who knew about
this treatment,

and to be here.

Do you need help
for the train?

Uh, no. I think my friend
is gonna help me.

But she's filming
something.

Ah, okay, okay.
[LAUGHS]

But maybe you could--

Do you buy a ticket
for the train?

Yes.
Here?

Yes, in the machine.

Do you have yours?
Yeah, I do.

[MACHINE CHIMES]
WOMAN: That's it.

RODNEY:
Oh, okay, great. Thank you.

WOMAN:
To Alexanderplatz
is that way.

Okay, thanks.

I think about what it means
to be disabled and single

in your 40s,

and to have potential partners
look at you

with a blind cane,

and automatically think
that that is...

um, a potential burden,

or that they're going
to have to be a caretaker.

It's not sexy.

I don't think
caretaking is sexy.

You know what I mean?
I don't think a lot of people

think of disability
as something that they want

to necessarily engage with
in a relationship.

So those are the things
I think about.

Um, and potential
beneficial results

from this treatment
to counteract

those kind of attitudes
and prejudices.

Hi. Rodney.

Anarosa.
Nice to meet you.

Okay, we have like a sandpaper.
Uh-huh.

I need to scratch
slightly your skin.

Oh. Okay.
Not too much. Not too much.

But--
Don't mess with the beauty.

[LAUGHS]

Just kidding.
Okay.

You felt it?

Maybe you're taking
the years off my...

Mm-hmm.

So we're going to measure

the tiny little electric
currents your eyes generate.

Um, to do this test,

you will need to sit first
20 minutes in the dark.

Okay.

FEDOROV:
Light on.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

Heterosexuality is
the opiate of the masses!

[GROANING]

That was an intense
last treatment.

WOMAN:
Really?

I'm kind of excited
for it to be over.

Before and after,ja?

Practically in the middle
is the same pattern of response.

Yeah.
But then, we can define

three islands

as totally new, uh, areas.

Yeah.
Before, it was blank.

Yeah.
It says not just

your central area
is activated.

It seems to be around the center
there is some activity.

Yeah?
Ja?

Do you feel any changes
in your sight subjectively?

Do you feel that your sight
looks now--

There is some
fluctuations?

Can you tell me
about that?

I-- It's hard for me to say.

Like, I don't--
I don't feel like it,

or I've felt
the major changes.

It just-- It feels similar.

It's a little hard to tell.
Understood.

Okay. Correct.
Because, you know,

your disease is,
as I told you,

is not initial stage.

It's much advanced stage.

Yeah.
That means in this condition,

we would expect very slow,
slower change--

Like, you expect slow,
slower improvement.

Like a step-by-step.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

RODNEY:
I'm, like,

expecting the changes
to happen really fast,

but I'm not...

Even though they can see
the changes

in the testing
that they do...

um, I'm not really
feeling the changes

in my daily life.

[CLEARS THROAT]

So...

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

I'm feeling kind of...

strangely serene about it.

Whatever happens, happens.

And I'm just going to kind of,
um, take it as it comes.

If it doesn't beneficially
affect my vision,

I feel like I'm able to...

function in a way that,
you know,

that I feel pretty happy
and pretty, um, sustained

in-- In what I'm doing.

I think I always make films

about the things
that are the scariest things

for me to deal with.

The project gave me
a way of functioning

and a way of...

of not just acquiescing
to the condition,

or being self-pitying,

but just making work

about something that I was
trying to figure out.

Learning from the experiences
of each of the other artists

that I filmed has been just
really, really helpful

in terms of thinking about
options for the future.

You don't have to stop
doing what you love

and what you're
passionate about.

I think each of the artists
said in various ways,

the idea of seeing
with your eyes,

but you also see with your
heart and with your head...

that those things are--
Are in constant combination.

That it's not just
an ocular thing.

It's not just about...

shot composition

or spectacle.

Sometimes
it's about the idea,

and about the imagination,

and how those things
get put together

to form vision.

I think whatever happens,
I'll always believe that

and hold on to that.

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

[SOUNDTRACK PLAYING]

WOMAN [SINGING]:
I'm an alien
From inner space

They can't read my mind
All in my face

No one knows

I'd rather spend my days

Alone on my pillow

I don't careWhat they say

I've been waiting
For so long

Call me by my name

They keep telling me
I'm wrong

We are not the same

I don't belong here

I don't belong here

I'm feeling high

My money's gone

Can't find my home

I want to go

To my own private planet
I've been dreaming of

Little moon in my head
I be moving on

Up and away

Up and away

Just 'cause I'm born here

Don't mean
I'm from here

I'm ready to run

I'm rocket to sun

I'm way up

I'm way up

Just 'cause I'm born here

Don't mean
I'm from here

I'm ready to run

I'm rocket to sun

I'm way up

I'm way up

I'm an alien
From inner space

They can't read my mind
All in my face

No one knows
I'd rather spend my days

Alone on my pillow

Earth's getting old

So color me gone

I'm ready to run

I'm rocket to sun

And it ain't so bad

So don't look so sad

Just 'cause I'm born here

Don't mean
I'm from here

Just 'cause I'm born here

Don't mean I'm from here

I'm ready to run

I'm rocket to sun

I'm way up

I'm way up

Just 'cause I'm born here

Don't mean
I'm from here

I'm ready to run

I'm rocket to sun

I'm way up

I'm way up

I

I

Ooh, I

Ooh, I