All language subtitles for The.Truth.About.Marriage.2018.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG2_English

[lighthearted music]

I'm Doris Bergquist and

my age is 100 years
and six months.

In 2012, I visited
my grandmother, and I asked
her about marriage.

And her cranberry pie recipe,

but for our purposes,
we'll focus on marriage.

Why did you choose Carlton
my grandfather as your husband?

[Doris] I have no idea except
that I wanted to get married.

That's what people did,
they got married. [chuckles]

He came up to call on me
for a date one day.

Carlton knocked on
the door and he said,

"Nygard's the name." [laughs]

We didn't even know
who Carlton was, even. [laughs]

But he, he joined the family.

[Roger] Courtship and marriage
have gotten a little more
complex these days.

My grandmother got me wondering why marriage is so difficult.

We all know the statistics.

Marriage rates are down,
divorce rates are high,

and over time people become more and more unsatisfied in their
marriages.

Why is marriage
so difficult for people?

To find out, I talked
with a few experts.

Ty Tashiro is a psychologist who studies modern relationships.

Well, part of the reason
that it's so hard for

people to be married is
that it's hard for them
to be married now.

And so, marriage has been
around for about 5,000 years,

and really only in the last
150, 160 years of that,

that we have the expectations
that we have for marriage.

So, we want our partners
to not only be

our spouses and co-parents,
to run a household together,

but now we want them
to be our best friend.

We want emotional gratification.

Uh, we want tremendous
sexual satisfaction.

There's all these
factors that play into

what people want
in a marriage now

and it's really a lot
to expect from anybody.

On a daily basis,
I'm basically helping people

solve the problems
in their love life.

Why is marriage
so difficult for people?

It's never been easier
to, to be distracted

or to wonder, "What if?"

As information
technology has improved

our lives in many, many ways,

it's also managed to
make them more difficult.

That's probably
the biggest reason

why marriage is
somewhat in jeopardy.

I call it "paralysis of choice."

We're evolved to be
fascinated by novelty.

Newness in food, in travel,
in art, in music,
in friendships,

in myriad aspects of our lives.

We're also attracted to
novelty in our erotic lives.

And, um, so when
you define marriage as

"forsaking all others
till death do us part,"

that runs directly counter
to our nature as a species.

[Roger] To track down one of
the most influential
researchers in

the field of human
sexual behavior,

I traveled to the foothills
above Málaga in Spain.

Why is marriage
so hard for people?

We're not geared up for
long-term relationships,

instinctually, behaviorally,
emotionally,

and yet, we've sort of been
gradually pushed into this way
of living together.

And, uh, so it's difficult.
It doesn't really work

with our, our emotions
and likes and behaviors.

[Roger] I found William
Doherty in Minneapolis,
my original hometown.

Almost 0% of engaged people

think they are ever
going to get divorced.

It is the myth of being
exceptional that if I could wave

a magic wand I would try to
help people explode that myth...

that they are going to be
immune to these forces.

Because I think wedding planning
is actually the beginning of
a marriage.

And so, pay a lot of attention
to how you work out

your decision making,
your responsibility there,

how you deal with your families.

Start to, start to problem
solve, which is what marriage
is partly about,

right now, because once you
announce, you are in
a new world.

-[Roger] It's kind of scary.
-[laughs]

I don't know if I want
a new world. I like
the world I'm in.

-Right. That's
the exceptionalism, right.
-[both chuckling]

Marriage vastly reduces

the possibilities for
the future of your life.

Talk to me about this concept
of the leftover women in China.

The leftover women stigma
is women who have not been

married by the age of,
some say 27 some say 22,

are called leftovers.
And many women internalize

this stigma and become very
desperate for marriage.

How could someone
be expired at 25?

I think it's a stigma
that comes from 5,000 years

of culture around, "what is
a woman's role in life?"

Part of it would be what
society is telling them.

You're not a whole person
until you get married.

You're missing something,
you're missing your other half.

But the fact of the matter is,
marriage is really just
another relationship.

For a while there you wanted
another brother and sister,

so you kept on asking me
to get married

or dad to get married
or dad and I to get married,

so you could get
a brother or a sister.

Did you start to realize
that a lot of people

have kids and they're
not married?

I have two
biological children with

two different
parenting partnerships.

What I chose to do
as an alternative to

conventional marriage, is to
have a parenting partnership.

All the benefits of being
married and building a life
together and investing

together and having children,
without the weather pattern of,

of romance and intimacy,
that seems to be at
the heart of most divorces.

I believe in marriage,
I think it's kind of a gift

and it's magical
and it's the ideal.

But what about
the rest of us? [chuckles]

If you don't meet your soulmate,
then it's quite high stakes

to have a family and base
your whole entire life

on a system that you're
not maybe sure about, but this

parenting partnership
is an alternative to

not having a family
or rushing into something.

[Roger] In Seattle, Dr. John Gottman was once a mathematician

wondering if there were ways
to quantify relationships,

and then his wife,
Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman,
helped him organize

his data, so it could
be used for teaching.

The Gottman Institute is
really about repairing,
restoring relationships.

If you don't work
on a relationship,

if you just let it go,
it deteriorates.

69% of problems

that couples struggle with
are perpetual problems.

They never ever go away.

Part of the answer is,
really, acceptance.

-You have to learn how to
dialogue with those problems.
-Right.

I'm a marital couples
and singles therapist.

[Roger] Why is it so hard for us
to do everything right
in relationships?

We don't have the skills
to have relationships.

We think they come naturally
and they don't--
And people don't like

when I say they are skills,
they say that's artificial.
No, we need to know that

just like there are skills
when you go to college to
learn a trade,

you need to learn
the skills to stay married.

There are thousands
of marriage experts,

but I also talked to my friends,
which is usually my first stop
for questionable advice.

[Ada] Doug and I have
been married 19--

-No-- We've been
together 19 years.
-[Doug] Twelve.

I, I said 20.

No, we're going to
be 20 next year.

So, we're 19 years in, it hasn't
been a perfect relationship.

It's been a roller coaster.
We call each other,
"The work in progress."

-It's pretty much what
our marriage has been.
-Yeah, it is a work in progress.

-I do the work and she makes
the progress.
-Yeah.

[Roger] Doug Williams
and I worked together
on TV shows like,

"The Mind of the Married Man,"
and "The Bernie Mac Show."

Why shouldn't I get married?
What's the worst thing about
marriage?

Having to deal with somebody
else's problems and make them
your own.

So when you're with somebody you
inherit all of their problems?

Health problems,
emotional problems,

-their past history and--
-And don't leave out credit.

-Their credit problems.
That's all yours now.
-It's all yours.

[Roger] Joe Yannetty and I wrote
a movie together about car
salesmen called, "Suckers."

Having someone who has access
to all your stuff all the time.

I hate people touching my stuff.

If you get married a third time,

-something's going
to get broken.
-Yes.

[Roger] My pal, Steve Fromstein,
ended up in this film,

mainly because he let me
use his green screen.

-Okay.
-We were engaged to be married,

and I asked a friend
of mine, "Uh,

when you go to sleep
with your wife,

you ever worry she might kill
you in the middle of the night?"

And he said, "No." And then I--

That's kind of when I realized
I was in the wrong relationship.

Had she ever done
anything that would give
you a reason to be so worried?

Well, you know,
you mean, like, hitting

or slamming things
or climbing over

my-- the wall to get
back into my place?

-Yeah, I guess. Yes.
-She did all those things?

You could read
the restraining order.

If I told you, you can only
have one car for the rest of

your life, you'd be like,
"What kind of deal is that?"

If I told you could have
one food, "What kind
of deal is that?"

But I'm supposed to tell you,
you can have one woman

and you're supposed to go,
"That's what I was thinking!"

Charles Darwin was faced with
the same marriage conundrum.

So he made a list.
On one side he wrote
the reasons not to get married.

Things like: freedom
to go where you like,
choice of social activity,

bro time, not forced to visit
relatives, less expense, anxiety

and responsibility, less
quarreling, more free time to do

things like read in the evening,

you don't get fat,
and you don't have

to move to be near
the wife's family.

On the other side, he wrote
reasons to get married.

Things like:
children, companionship,

love, you get a homemaker,

your conversation and
your music collection improve,

it's good for your health
and it's better than
a dog anyhow.

He wrote this stuff, not me.
Admittedly, he's better known
for other things.

The right side was much shorter,
but it was a deeper,
weightier list for Darwin.

And so, he got married
and had ten children.

Apparently,
it worked out for him,
but what about the rest of us?

What happened in the past
with human relationships?

[Robin] For 200,000 years,
humans were nomadic,

they wandered around,
they shared everything.

That way of life was very
similar to what you see

in our closest relatives,
the chimpanzees. And natural,

I think, is what, what we were
for that first 200,000 years.

That, that is what
suits people better in terms
of emotions and, and instincts.

Our species was organized
as a sharing economy.

No one owned the land.

-No one owned the animals.
-Is it communism?

It's essentially
a socialist, uh, system.

They had these, what we call,
these institutional marriages.

People married those that
they were more or less
assigned to marry.

And they were oriented
to a larger community.

I don't think women started
living in men's houses,

in the house that the man
could say, "This is mine,"

um, until about 6,000 years ago.
Marriage came later,

when we could write,
we could draw up contracts.

It was a way of
making alliances.

In the earliest societies that
was the way two bands decided,

"Oh, we don't have to fight
when we meet, because we have
relatives in both groups."

[Matt] Once we got into
agricultural societies

and particularly pastoral
societies with herds of animals,

where the huge disparities
of wealth opened up,

then we became very polygamous.

Polygamous societies are
also very violent societies.

And the reason for that
is basically because
when one man

is monopolizing
a few hundred women,

there's a few hundred
other men who are
not getting women at all.

How did understanding
the concept of agriculture

change the way
people behaved sexually?

It created a sense of propriety.

And now the woman has
to belong to me,

because I want to leave
this stuff to my sons.

[Fara] If you look at the
Anglo-Saxon laws on marriage
and sex, for example,

which are not very much
influenced yet by Christianity,

they are very influenced by
the idea that men own women.

And women can be bought
and sold, and if you sleep with

another man's wife,
he can kill you.

But also, if you want to
make recompense, you have to

bring him another wife
and go buy one somewhere.

Nobody in those days went up
and said, "You know,

I don't feel like
I'm getting my needs met here.

I feel like there's
an imbalance between us,

and this marriage is
much more favoring you."

Or, "I'm tired of
your demands on me

for a degree of openness that
I don't feel like offering."

I'm using modern-day vocabulary

to describe inner experiences
and interpersonal expectations

that would be laughable
in a prior generation.

-When did we start
marrying for love?
-As soon as you begin to get

institutions like banks,
that you don't have

to marry other
people to get money,
and political institutions,

so it doesn't depend upon
your family alliances.

It's, really, only in the past

160 years that people
started to marry

for love, so it's a really
unusual phenomenon

because you didn't have to worry
so much about survival.

In many societies, love was
considered an anti-social act.

It was literally, you were
disobeying your parents,

you were betraying the ideas

for how you made society work.
It was subversive.

The woman in the past would say,
"He's not much of a talker,

he doesn't listen to me very
much, but he's a good provider,
he's a good man."

For the man who would say,

"She doesn't want to have sex
all that much and she's

kind of bossy around the house,
but she's a good mother,

she's a good woman,
she's faithful,

good churchgoer."

-[Roger] "Good enough."
-"Good enough."

[Roger] Okay, so,
things have changed.

Instead of marrying
the whole tribe,

marrying one person for love
is a modern invention.

What percentage of people
believe in soulmates?

Gallup asked people,
"Do you believe in soulmates?"

And 88% of respondents,
uh, said that, yes, they do.

Too many times we have overly
romanticized fantasies

about what our partner
shouldbe like,

[Roger] Okay. So there's a problem with high expectations. Whose fault is this?

[Marni] The blame game. That's
a big one. Blame the parents,

blame, you know, men,
if they're women
blaming men, New York men.

Blaming women, blaming
their exes, blaming everybody.

But if you're seeing the same
thing happening in
your relationships,

what's the common
denominator? It's you!

I can't write a book with
the title, "It's Not Them,
It's You."

-Who's gonna buy that?
-[Roger chuckles]

But sometimes,
I can tell you, I see people

who I worry for them--
They will, they will be
single indefinitely

until they work on themselves.

-Can someone else
make you happy?
-No one can make you happy.

You need to come into
a relationship

with your own happiness. Someone
can enhance your happiness.

If you rely on the other person
to make you happy, eventually,
you're going to be

unhappy, because if someone
has the power to make you happy,

they also have the power
to make you unhappy.

Having a realistic and accurate
sense of what sort of animal
you are

is the necessary first step

to any sort of intelligent
navigation of life.

Homo sapiens is the most
sexual animal on the planet.

Animals don't have sex anywhere
near as much as humans do.

-Why are we so horny?
-In our species, sex was
co-opted for social purposes.

Possibly as far back
as our last common ancestor
with chimps and bonobos,

five to six million years ago,
because both chimps and bonobos

also use sex for
non-reproductive purposes.

Are we feeling
frustration because

our culture is asking us
to behave in a certain way

that's out of sync with
our true human nature?

Yes. That's the base
of the, of the problem.

And I think the nearer
we get back to trying

to structure society
in a way that

our instincts work with,

the easier it's going to be
for everybody concerned.

There's bound to be
a lack of sync

between what we're
culturally imposing

upon ourselves and what we're
naturally inclined to do,

because culture can change much
faster than genes can change.

So, is it safe to say that...

humans used to live
in these societies where
they shared everything.

Agriculture, the discovery
of agriculture

changed our culture,
and our culture began
to evolve faster than we did.

And so, we are now asked to
exist in a way to reach

these ideals that are
unreachable, that are not

in sync with who we are,
and so, everybody's frustrated.

Right. Civilization has been
this amazing scam,

because civilization
is constantly telling us

that we're almost there.

When computers are going to
free up all your leisure time.

Oh, no, cell phones are going to
free up all your leisure time.

You're going to live in
this Utopian future

that we never get to. We're
working more than we used to.

We're working way more than
hunter-gatherers work.

If you compare where we are now
as a species to where we were
15,000 years ago.

We're worse off in most
respects. Our health is worse,

our-- People say,
"Hunter-gatherers only lived
to be 30 or 35." Bullshit!

Hunter-gatherers lived
into their '60s and '70s.

We had it really good before
agriculture. Jared Diamond,

the author of "Guns, Germs
and Steel," said that

agriculture is the worst
mistake in the history of
the human race.

Is it foolish of us to expect
so much from love marriages?

These expectations of love
no longer work,

in a world where men and women

are increasingly equal,
and desire equal

and collaborative, not
specialized, relationships.

But you know, I've studied
low expectation marriages
over the past.

I think in most cases
we want high expectations.

High expectations
help us live up to them.

They just have to be
realistic expectations.

[Roger] How long are
relationships meant to last?

They are meant to last as long
as it takes to bring up a child.

Anyone who's been in
a relationship more than

a few years knows that
it's not a relationship.

It's a series of relationships
with the same person,

and it's not even
the same person,
because they're changing.

What's telling you
a relationship is doomed

or a relationship
is going to succeed?

Emotional stability is one
of the most powerful

predictors of whether
somebody will have

a stable and happy
marriage in the long run.

We found that by observing
the way a couple interacts,

we can predict with over 90%
accuracy whether they'll
stay together

or break apart, and if they stay
together, how happy they'll be.

And a lot of it is based on
the way they talk to each other.

Even about how the day went,
but especially during conflict.

'Cause in disastrous
relationships,

people are pointing their finger
at their partner, and being
critical, and saying,

"Here's what's wrong with you.

As far as I can tell
I'm pretty much perfect.

But your defective."
Whereas in great relationships,

they're pointing their finger
at themselves and saying,

"Here's what I need, honey.

And here's what the recipe
is for success with me."

By the way, they present
the problem, and how it unfolds,

we can tell whether they're
heading one way or another way.

It's how they fight, and whether
they fight with the level
of respect, and that's critical.

We found people at stable
and happy relationships,

they had five times as much

affection, humor,
interest in one another,

empathy, as the negative stuff:
the anger, the disappointment,

the hurt feelings,
you know, the sadness.

Positive could be: laughing at
your partner's joke, it could be

touching them on the arm as
you pass by, affectionately.

A negative could be:
ignoring them,

rolling your eyes,
sighing passive-aggressively.

So you want 5 positives at
a minimum but 15 is even better.

The ratio of positive
to negative of

great couples was
20 to 1. It's even higher.

[Pat] How many people are
here for a relationship?

[Roger] Dr. Pat Allen has been
giving relationship seminars
for over 40 years.

Be careful about having
intercourse too fast,

because he needs to miss you.

He needs to chase you,
he needs to see

that you love you more
than you love him.

-[Roger] Who should
pay when dating?
-Whoever asked for the date.

I believe that the man should
pursue in the beginning.

But it's the women
who are deciding

how a relationship gets started.

She's sending out the signals
to be approached.

She ran. I chased her.

-She caught me.
-[laughs]

It's good if you can pick up
signals as to which pursuits

might bear some sort of fruit.

I think the cleanest
contract on the planet

is a prostitute's contract,
and the only difference

between a prostitute
and a wife is a blessing.

And the prostitute
doesn't have to do laundry.

How did the creator create us?

He created the man as a giver
and the woman as a receiver.

This is the act of procreation,
it goes like that,

the man gives the seed,
the woman receives the seed.

She has the egg
that's fertilized.

In our closest relative,
the chimpanzee,

ovulation is advertised
big-time.

Females grow an
extremely swollen,

very red bottom when
they are sexually fertile.

And as a result, the world
beats a path to the door
of said female.

And she mates with pretty well
all the males in the troop.

There is what's called
"sperm competition" going on.

As a result of that, chimpanzees
have evolved gigantic testicles.

Because the more sperm
you've got, the more chance

you have of winning
in this sperm competition

that goes on as a result of
this open ovulation.

Men, nearly all of
their sexual activity

is aimed towards trying
to make sure that their
sperm don't end up

in competition with sperm from
another man inside that woman.

So, if a woman has sex
with two or more men,

then, for a while, she's going
to have sperm competing for

the prize of any egg that
she might produce in
that period of time.

[Roger] Are there more than
one type of sperm?

There's some with great big
heads, some with two heads,

some with two tails,
some with a coiled tail.

They're there
to compete, as ways

of getting in the way or killing
off the sperm from other males.

They're doing a job in
helping the male make sure

it's his sperm that
fertilizes an egg

rather than some
other male's sperm.

And this has a huge influence
on the way men and women behave.

They don't know
it's happening,
don't know they're doing it.

They're responding
things like jealousy

and, uh, subterfuge and
all sorts of other things.

[Roger] When Robin Baker
published his findings about
sperm in 1991,

that it's mostly an army,
and only 1% are there

to actually fertilize an egg,
it was hugely controversial

because it implied that humans
are designed to be promiscuous,

that women's bodies
promote sperm Warfare,

collecting sperm
from multiple donors,

So that only the very best
sperm can fertilize

her egg. What does this mean
for human behavior today?

There's this fascinating
distinction between
the competition

between males happening
between individuals,
versus happening between sperm.

[Roger] What's more valuable,
the sperm or the egg?

What's more valuable? In terms
of biological material, the egg,

'cause it's many thousand times
bigger than the, than the sperm.

Let me see
if I've got this right.

The woman has the control

because she is the keeper
of the egg.

On a micro level,
all the sperm want access,

but the egg plays hard to get
and puts up barriers

so only the most
serious one gets in.

The same thing is happening
on a macro level.

All the men court
the best women.

She puts up barriers,
demands quality

and sincerity, so only the most
serious suitor gets through.

If you ask men and women
what the perfect age of

a partner for a sexual
relationship is,

and you ask them
at different ages,

the women will basically
say a man of roughly
the same age as them.

As they get older,
the man they want gets a bit
younger, obviously.

But the men basically say 22,
full stop.

Even if they're 85.
It's reflecting the fact,

of course,
the basic biological fact

that a man is pretty
well as fertile

at 65 as he is at 22.
Whereas that's simply
not true of a woman.

Old men like to start
new families with young women.

Society certainly
makes you want to feel bad
if you don't date

someone your own age.
And society's right to,

because society's interest is
not the same as your interest.

Society's interest is that
you obey the social rules

and don't pinch other
people's wives or daughters.

I felt like the next step was
to talk to more couples about
how they are

experiencing marriage
and relationship issues.

I started bringing my camera
whenever I got invited
to weddings.

My goal was to follow
the trajectory

of several marriages to see
what happened afterward,

after the honeymoon stage.

It's my second marriage.
I got married at 20.

[Roger] How many times
do you plan to get
married in your life?

This is it. I planned once.
Wait till you see where we are.

I mean, we are essentially
getting married in a sewer.

It's an aqueduct, but it could
be considered a sewer.

[Michaela] I have never been
in love before I met Frank.

I found out I really loved him
when I go to go away from him.

She left for four months
and I realized that I,

I liked my life better
with her in it than without.

[cheering and applauding]

[lighthearted piano music]

We're in the process
of getting a divorce.

Yes. It's a piece of paper.
It's uncontested.

-We're both in agreement on it.
-Why did you decide to
end the marriage?

It worked, we both were really
happy until, um, we weren't.

-[laughs]
-And we both have changed a lot.

She had career aspirations
that were off the charts.

-I'm not kidding.
-I couldn't work.

So, I feel like I was
here just for you.

Five years later I got so busy
with my work that

-I basically didn't do
anything for you.
-[chuckles]

-It kind of flipped.
-Mm-hmm.

-Completely.
-How does it feel
to have been the wife?

Well, I wasn't really--

Well, I did clean the house
a lot back then.

-[laughs]
-That's true.

And I really got annoyed
when she would come home

and she'd say, "There is
a little piece of paper
on the floor."

And I go, "This entire
house is clean

and you see one piece of paper,"

and it was, it was like
a husband coming home.

-Will you get married again?
-Yes.

-She will.
-I hope so.

You want to find a new
better version of Frank.

-Yes.
-Younger version.

-[both laugh]
-What's next?

We do talk a lot.
We're actually better friends

now than the last year
of our marriage.

Has divorce liberated
your friendship?

I think we can be more
honest about things

because it doesn't
involve each other.

Like, if she's dating a guy now,
or if I'm seeing a girl,

we can talk about that
'cause it's not affecting us.

And it's also nice, because if
I don't want to listen to him,

-I just don't have to anymore.
-No.

[jovial music]

[Roger] The next wedding I was invited to was definitely

one of the most unique. It was
held at a fairy convention.

[Angela] Being friends first is
probably the best way to enter

into a romantic relationship,
because you watch

this person that
you put on the back burner

for, for years and years.

And, uh, you get to know
them really well.

We decided to get,
uh, married...

Well, let's see, decided
to get married is such
a funny word.

I think it's almost
like deciding

to accept that
the rain has come in.

-[lighthearted guitar music]
-[chuckles]

[Angela] Hey, Daddy.

[Jordan] I will love you
the rest of my life,

and I'll do everything I can
to be the right person for you.

You're amazing.

-I hope you like to
hang out with me more.
-[all laughing]

Falling in love with you
was like falling with gravity.

I feel so safe, so capable
and ready to be your partner.

Though loving you can
sometimes feel

like I'm on the Moon,
you are home to me.

I love you.

-That was really good.
-[all laughing]

I wrote it in the car.

[all laughing and cheering]

How did you get Jordan
to commit to you?

Uh, I told him he could do
whatever he wanted
with anybody else.

That broke me,
that was it, instantaneous.

Polyamory is sometimes
hard in reality.

So, when she said,
"Sure, try everything,"

I was like, "Great," and then
within a few months I was like,

"You know, you're my everything.
I want to try you

-a lot more, and just do that."
-[chuckles]

[gentle guitar music]

[Angela] This is
Southwest Eugene, Oregon.

We moved to the country
to learn permaculture
and to get away from the city.

[Jordan] We are in
a school bus that I converted

into a cabin, living on
a community piece of land.

In order to help support the
people that are living here,
I came up with

this idea for
the goblin markets,

which is a backstage
party for the people that

spend most of their lives
working the festival circuit.

This is the Mud Arena where the
hot mud wrestling takes place.

Multiple people get into the mud
pit and fight each other like
gladiators, usually naked.

[Angela] Our culture,
the way that it demands

we behave towards one another,
is deadening.

The boundaries are meant to be
pushed and that-- and when
that happens,

I think people feel more alive.

I actually think at
the root of polyamory

is really just
the urge to return to tribe.

I have friends that I really
like sleeping with. [chuckles]

Like, we've been sleeping
together for ten years

and we go on
specific dates to do that.

Do you feel that your
expectations have changed since

you were married versus now?

We're more in tune
with each other now,

and what our needs are
and what our boundaries are.

[Jordan] When you're younger,
it's so much about you
and your partner communicating

about all the ways that
you're disappointing
and freaking each other out.

-[Angela] Yep.
-You know, when I got into
this relationship I knew her

so well already, and so, when
she says, "This is my need,"

it's not coming at me
as a surprise or curve ball,

because I didn't invent this
princess in my mind to be her.

I got her. You know, I married
the person that I expected
to marry.

Now, it can just be like,
"I'm happily married

and I can take you to bed,"
if I wanted to, you know,

but, like, let's just be friends
first. Let's figure that out.

-Yeah.
-And if that doesn't work,
then I don't really want--

-I don't-- I'm not
really interested.
-Yeah, we like

sleeping with friends. We don't
like sleeping with strangers.

Later on today We'll have lunch
with a friend and lover of ours

who is a lot more
polyamorous than we are.

I don't feel like when I'm going
beyond our relationship

that I'm somehow looking for
something that he isn't
providing me.

There's one of the, like,
poly-mission statements is,

"People are not needs machines."
Like, you don't put
the quarters in

and get the need out,
into the humans that
you're spending time with.

Like, you're just there to,
like, explore the connection.

The secret to making
a polyamorous relationship
work is talking.

You know, how do you incorporate
their autonomy with your needs?

And things like that,
and it's just this ongoing...
ongoing negotiation.

There's always a revision of
contract. I say
"contract" loosely.

-It's just kind of like the--
it's the social agreement.
-Yeah, it's just a term.

[Roger] How do you promise
to love somebody forever...

-You don't.
-...when things are changing?

You don't. That's not realistic.

That's not realistic
in any culture, that

-is so rare and--
-[Roger] But that's
what everybody does.

-They're lies.
-Yes, that's,

-that's weird.
-They're optimistic liars.

Realistically, that doesn't work
out. You promise to love people

and treat them well
and do your damnedest.

-Yeah.
-That's the best you can do.

[Jordan] The whole purpose
of all of this is to try

-other options.
-I mean, this is kind of
a lifelong journey.

But I did imagine success
because we're a good team.

I feel like there's
a demographic that's
still being undeserved.

I flew to Brazil to track down
the most single person I know,

to represent the single
perspective about marriage
and relationships.

He actually learned how to sing
in Portuguese to attract women.

♪ Single, single
Single, single forever ♪

♪ I wanna be single forever

♪ But I don't wanna
Die alone... ♪

I used to rap in English
and Spanish back in the States

as a hobby, and for fun
and carnival.

My Portuguese has
got really good.

2008 I did a funk song.
It came out hot. I started
shopping it around

the favelas and in the streets,
and got good feedback.

And then started recording
more and started performing.

And now this is,
this is my passion.

I'm in love with
Brazilian women, all of them.

I'm like Indiana Jones
for the golden booty,

you know what I mean?
And I think I found it
in Rio de Janeiro.

What do you find
attractive in a woman?

I like a big,
big ass, juicy ass,

particularly the size of
basketballs, uh, with no waist.

If the ass grows bigger, it's
fine. As long as the ass isn't
growing wider.

I love the caramel
complexion, long hair,

the sexy gestures, hot blood.
No facial hair.

Green eyes is beauti--
it's a plus if you
have them, but if not,

I mean, that's something--
I don't, I don't want to be
too demanding.

That's all the physical
qualities. I like a girl
who's street, yet elegant.

Who fucks a lot, Who's faithful.
A key thing for me is a girl
who's humble.

Someone who's opinionated,
but yet understands at
the end of the day

that Don B.
knows best. [chuckles]

The girl who's very cool,
who's athletic, who's smarter

who has good genes, who's a good
breeder. A well-rounded girl.
I want someone that's like me.

♪ Rio, yeah, Rio de Janeiro...

We're not designed to be with
the same person for six years.

If you turn on
the Discovery Channel,
you'll see, like, you know,

female spiders and shit trying
to kill the male if they stick
around too long.

I think the normal
natural length of time

that two people are
meant to be together for...

There's two reasons in life that
women come back to men:
dick or money.

There is no difference
between prostitution

and between a regular
fucking modern-day date.

They want Grey Goose
and cranberries.

They want, fucking,
they want, you know,

taxi cab rides,
they want dinners.

You got fucking Valentine's,
and then you got the birthday,

then you got the anniversary,
Then the six-month anniversary.

And then you got dinner for two,
then you got the movies for two,

then she wants Milk Duds.

Is it necessary to lie to
keep a relationship healthy?

Unfortunately,
I think it is. Why? Because
women give us no other choice.

If a girl's going to ask me,
"Do you look at other women?"
Yeah, I look at other women.

It's natural, I'm not going to
lie and say, "You're the only

one for me,
I only have eyes for you."

That's just a fucking fairy
tale, that's not real, man.

Love is important too.
According to Freud,

he said man needs work,
love, and some other shit.

What you do with your
girlfriend is you make love.
That's the person

you want to watch a DVD with,
you want to cuddle with,

you want to have dinner with
and talk about life with.

The other chicks are,
are nothing more than sex.

It's just a nut. You know what
I mean? You can't, you can't...

But then it's very hard
to explain that to a woman.

I think I fall in love every
fucking day. I see a fat
ass on the street with

a chick with green eyes and
no waste. I really love her.
I really truly love her.

I really love her,
once I nut, if I still
feel that way towards her,

that could
potentially be real love.
Get that fucking vagina, man.

Absolutely. No questions asked.
Get that, go get that
motherfucking vagina.

♪ Get that vagina
Get that vagina ♪

♪ All around the world I
All around the world I ♪

♪ Get that vagina
Get that vagina ♪

♪ Get that, get that, get that

[Don] I got married.
We had a baby, and now we
have, we have a family.

[Roger] How did Don Blanquito,
who wanted to be single
forever, get married?

[Don] And I was not
anticipating this, and I was
not in the mood for it.

I was on the battlefield
for fucking 15 years,

whatever it was,
just going, going strong

representing for mankind,
reprodu-- on the reproduction

tip, and just being
a fucking animal and a maniac.

I met the one girl
who just captivated me.

-She had all of the ingredients.
-[Yasmin] He's not a normal guy.

He have a lot of girls,
have a crazy life,
a lot of drink,

parties, for he change a lot
life, a new life, my dreams.

He have a family, and stick
together, and I fight for this.

[Roger] Did you fight for
this marriage to happen?

Yes, for sure. [chuckles]

-It's not easy for marriage.
-Yeah, she went in for the kill.

-[laughs]
-I think she's a pit bull, man.
She's not a chihuahua.

-This is a fucking pit bull.
-I think I saved your life.

-You did save my life.
-You probably go in Brazil,

have a lot of kids
with different woman--

-Get shot.
-Then, probably, or in the jail

or in the hospital
because you drink a lot.

I save his life.
You never said thank you for me.

Thank you, mi amor, I love you.
Thank you for saving my life.

And the best part about Brazil
is that I brought
a piece of it with me.

My daughter was born
in Botafogo, my daughter
is Carioca. And I'm

so proud to have a daughter
that's Brazilian and from Rio,

but things happen for
a reason and at the right time.

If it were up to me, I wouldn't
have a baby at that time.

-You don't, you don't plan it.
-I plan.

It's my decision, because this
I know, the woman's the boss.

I plan my daughter and she born,
everything is, I want it.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-That's fucked up.
-[Yasmin laughs]

-No--
-And now you so happy,
can you imagine your life,

-you no have your daughter.
-No, that's what I'm saying,
like, you know, like,

if you were to ask me,
"Do you want a kid next year?"
I'd say that's fucking crazy.

-I want to wait ten more years.
-[Roger] Is he
a good father now?

He's a really good father.

She saw a good thing

-and she grabbed it.
-[laughs]

I grabbed it too,
you know what I'm saying?
Listen, I'm grateful.

I'm grateful at the end of
the day, would I do it again?

Absolutely, the exact
same fucking way.

♪ I do it all over again

[Don] Listen, man,
if I can get married,

and I can create
a family, you know,

fucking, anything is possible.

[Roger] Even the most single guy
in the world found love,

an attraction greater
than even he could resist.

What causes attraction
between individuals?

We look at
facial characteristics.
We look at bodily

characteristics.
There's, there's sense.

There are smells that,
uh, that tell you

that you've got a, a genetic
future for your children.

Genetics is the basis
of a lot of attraction.

We think we're choosing
a mate, we're choosing

to have children, we're choosing
to get married or not,

but in reality,
this is all programmed

for genetic reasons.

You feel, uh, that you like
this particular person,

you have no idea why,
but somewhere inside your body

there's some sort
of chemical signal
coming through that's saying,

"Yeah, this one has
got good genes.

You know, you should
like this person."

There are subconscious
mechanisms for determining

who is going to be a good...

father to your children
biologically.

This has nothing to do with
whether he has a good job,

whether he's going
to stick around,
whether he's good-looking even.

Women have
mechanisms for sensing

the genetic signature
of a man's immune system.

There's even a study that
was done by Claus Wedekind

in Germany called,
the, the T-shirt study,

where women selected
the best smelling T-shirt

that guys had worn for a couple
of days, and it turned out

the T-shirt that smelled
the best was worn by

the man who was most
genetically different from them,

on the genes of the major
histocompatibility complex,

which is the genes
of the immune system.

How important is kissing

to determining whether
someone is right for you?

This is a way
for humans to assess

whether another person has, uh,

immunological system
that's mismatched to yours.

So, you actually don't
want to mate with somebody who's

really good at being immune to
the same diseases as you are.

You want somebody who's really
good at being immune to
different diseases

than you are, because that means
your offspring

will be more diverse
in your immunological system,

and that would improve
their chances of survival.

People don't look for
their clone.

And so, all of the matching
algorithms on dating sites are
completely wrong.

We're looking for somebody who's
really, pretty different from
us, but very interesting.

There's been a movement from
online services like eHarmony

that are profile based,
and online services like Tinder.

Tinder lets you scroll
through people,
look at their pictures,

and if you like the way
they look, find out if they're
close by and then go meet them.

And that's pretty great,
actually, because it
boils it down

to the only thing that matters,
which is, if you sort of like

how they look,
and are they close?

What are men looking for
in a woman?

Guys want a woman
who has a beautiful face.

This could be a woman who
has symmetrical features.

To be genuinely asymmetric
is a worrying sign

in a potential mate, 'cause it
means there's a mutation.

Men's eyes pick up
congruence in the body,

waist differences, because
they're passing their gene pool

on to the healthiest woman.

And we now know that
beauty is congruence.

People tend to agree about
who's attractive and who's not.

-All around the world?
-Yeah.

So, the hottest person
in Japan, for example,

rated by Japanese people,
will also be the hottest person

when rated by people
from United States.

Women are looking mostly
at a man's resume.

Young women want
status and security

because they're on estrogen,
they're building families.

Women's criteria for what
they find attractive in men

changes depending
upon where they are in
their menstrual cycle.

So, women who are ovulating, for
example, are much more attracted

to men who openly display
a certain kind of genetic vigor,

with the square jaw
and the muscles

and the broad shoulders
and all that kind of thing.

Whereas when they're not
ovulating, they might be
more attracted

to someone who doesn't,
uh, display those things,
but displays,

uh, trustworthiness
and seems safer.

So, they sort of like the bad
boys when they're ovulating

and the good boys when
they're not ovulating.

Which is why men find women
so incomprehensible,

he's like, "Wait a minute,
a week ago, she was into me

-and now she's not, why?"
-You got to wait
till next month.

Men are terrified of women
that want to get married.

When they find a woman that
doesn't want to get married,

it's a challenge.

So how do you demonstrate that
you don't want to marry?

I live my life as
if I enjoy my life.

Someone who's happy
in their life.

They're not looking for
someone to be their hero,

to save them, to rescue
them from their misery.

If someone says,
"Hey, I'm having trouble
attracting other people,"

-what do you tell them to do?
-Project confidence.

Confidence is by far and away
the most attractive quality to
both sexes.

Key piece of advice for
a man is: have a plan,
be a guy, take control.

Before a guy even
touches a girl,

before a husband even touches
a wife, he's got to touch
her soul.

Otherwise, why do
people pull muscles
and why do people mess up

their joints? Because
the joints aren't warmed up.

-We've got to warm up
our love muscle, is that--
-Exactly, exactly.

How do we warm up our love
muscle? By touching the soul.

How do you touch the soul?
Communication.

When you're first getting
to know someone, the most
important thing is

that you avoid debating them.
You don't want to argue.

You don't
want to talk about money,
'cause it's a slippery slope.

You either sound like
you're bragging or sound
like you're broke.

Bringing up past relationships.

You don't want to talk
about the past.

Sometimes men do this because
they want to impress women,

but they talk
about themselves a lot.

And they'll come back
and they want to go out
with the woman again,

and the woman does not
want to go out with again,

because she's interpreting that
as lack of interest in her.

[Neil] When I was out
there doing "The Game,"
meeting people,

I was never worried about
that great looking

underwear model guy, ever.
That was not competition.

I generally found people who
were less attractive
who wanted to feel

like they are more attractive,
would go off with that guy.

And the people who already
weren't worried about their
attraction,

uh, 'cause they were gorgeous,
might talk to me, 'cause they
wanted to feel smarter.

So there was always something
that people are looking to get,
some unmet need met.

So if you want to seduce
somebody, if you can identify

their unmet need and provide it,

-that's the way in?
-Identify their unmet need...

let them know you have it
and not provide it.

[laughs] 'Cause once you've
provided they're done with you.

[Roger] Who's the boss,
more often than not,

in relationships,
the man or the woman?

-Women.
-The woman.

-Women.
-Women.

We're in charge.

I like to think it's me.

The saying that I have is,

Norma wears the makeup
and the pants in the family.

-[Roger] Who's the boss
in the relationship?
-He is.

See? He is.

-[Roger] For how long?
-For how long? About an hour.

I'm a figurehead, which is, uh,
a very old and ancient custom,

where you stand around and smile
a lot and are blamed for things
that go wrong.

I'm the hand.
I move pieces around.

The woman is the boss.

I have absolute say at the end,

-but I don't say anything.
-I'm David's current wife,

Dutchess is his ex-wife...

-and--
-[Roger] And you all
still live together?

We all live together.
We co-parent together.

They had three children
together, and we all raised them
here in this house.

They're just gonna do what
they're going to do,
and our job is

-just to hang tight
and just live with it.
-[Mony] That's your opinion.

You need to say what you want,
and if he loves me,
he will comply.

How can you identify
which one is the boss?

The one with the veto right.
Checks and balances.

You guys ask for a lot of things
even you know you shouldn't get.

Even when a guy is the boss,
the woman is the boss
of the boss.

It's like, maybe the man is
the boss until the woman
gets really upset.

Sometimes the man might
have a different opinion,
but if she's not happy,

he's not happy, and then he
might have a change of opinion.

The man has the last word.
You know what the last word is?

"Yes, sweetheart.
Yes, sweetheart."

-Why is this the case?
-Because once

he gives her what she wants,
she'll let him do
whatever he wants.

If a man is not giving her
her spiritual needs,

then her material demands
are going to be endless.

You are simple
creatures compared to us.

We are the center
of the human race

but you have conned us.

Man have conned us into thinking
we're on Earth for you.

You're on Earth for us

and the kids, and if you do
a good job we'll keep you alive

when you're an old fart.

[Claire] If you're expecting
that emotion

is going to win out,
you're absolutely right.

Women tend to come from a more
emotional standpoint

if there is a conflict
or a problem.

Women have a better way of being
able to manage their feelings.

So, therefore, women may appear
to have more power and be more
in control.

The reason that men honestly
don't think they're the boss

is because women internally
make the compromises

before the discussion goes on.

women are pre-negotiating
before they even get to
the negotiating table?

One of the things we try
to teach women is to say,

"Well, I actually
don't want to do this.

I want to do these
three or four things."

And not be afraid to, to say
one of the four things

that he might not like,
but then let him make
some choices there.

That's the way
to go back and forth.

Every relationship is
partly a power struggle,

because people in a marriage

are sharing resources.
There's a lot more negotiation

in contemporary marriage
than there ever had
to be historically.

And whenever you
have more negotiation, as
opposed to its one person say,

you have more opportunity for
conflict. And it requires

higher interpersonal skills,
more interpersonal competence

to negotiate, than to have
things like, "This is my say
and that's your say."

Why do women get the power roll,
power position in marriages?

Every woman that you know,
if you were to go out and do

a survey on this documentary
with women

about how many guys
do they have in their phone

that they could
just call up right away

and come ask,
to ask the penis...

another guy, "Come and get
the coochie." See how many
would come right away.

-Pretty much all of them.
-Pretty much all the guys
in their phone.

That's every guy in their phone.
Now, go to a guy

and ask him, out of all
the women in his phone,

which one could he call, and
they would come over right away
and give him coochie.

-He'd be lucky to have one.
-Exactly.

For a woman who wants penis,
they're readily available.

For a man who wants a vagina,
you got to work a lot harder.

So, if you are in control
of the more valuable item,

you're going to have
the power in a relationship.

Right. He who has the gold
makes the rule.

The power struggle stage is
the bridge to real life love.

Now, you can't get to real life
love until you go through
the power struggle,

but people leave and get
divorced at the power struggle
stage instead of working harder.

[Roger] Tell me the secret.
How can I get more out of
the negotiation

with my partner,
so I get more of what I want?

If you want more
of what you want,

give her more of what she wants.

Because then she's going
to be in a generous mood.

[Roger] We have some pretty
strong agreement that the woman
is the boss.

I think it may have something
to do with logic versus emotion,

because emotion will always
trump logic, love always wins.

Did Carlton say he loved you
when he married you?

Oh, we didn't discuss that.
Compatibility comes first.

You have to get along
in order to live together.

-[Roger] What is love?
-[Matt] It's a desire
to monopolize,

sexually and socially,
another individual.

Most people think
it's just their feeling,

"I feel a loving sensation,
so therefore I must love."

If it's not followed up
by action, that you
can clearly see

this person is behaving in
a loving way, then I don't
think it counts.

Where does the modern
world get it wrong?

Because they've merged
two bodies, and they think

love is connection
of two bodies.

That's not love.
That's physical infatuation,

it has nothing to do with love.

What is love? Love is giving.

When do you feel best? When
you're giving love or when
you're receiving it?

The feeling good comes from
the fact that you're giving it,
'cause it's coming from you.

Because you can't feel
their love. What you're feeling
is yourself loving that person.

Men don't fall in love
when they receive. They fall
in love when they give.

Women do not bond when they
give, they only bond when
they receive.

So, women that are nervous,
give away sex.

Do you know why?

Puts them in charge.

There's always
strings attached to love.

It's like, "I love you,

if you're honest,
if you're faithful

if you communicate,
if you respect."

It's almost like you are, um,
addicted when you're in love.

what are love addicts
addicted to?

Dopamine, serotonin,
norepinephrine.

[Bonnie] The oxytocin,
it's called the cuddle hormone.

It makes us feel
safe and bonded.

They get married, then she goes
off the pill, gets pregnant.

And then?

She finds the guy repulsive.

She doesn't want to sleep
in the same bed with him.

So, how do they conceptualize
that? They see that as,

"Oh, that's
the stress of the kid.

It's just we've
been married too long,

whatever, the relationship's
gone sour." No.

It's just that you were short
circuiting this biological
chemical...

interaction.
And now you're not anymore.

-By being on birth control?
-By being on the birth
control pill.

And now the woman's
body is saying, "No, that's
not the right partner for you."

It doesn't matter
if he's Brad Pitt.

It doesn't matter if he's
a millionaire, it--
All these things

that, that the conventional
theorists will tell you
are, are essential

to women's attractive--
attraction to men.

Those things are overridden
by the biological attraction.

Couples should go off
the pill for at least

a year before they make any
long-term commitments,

because they might
not be compatible.

[Roger] Of course,
we have to talk about sex.

How important is sex
to marriage?

Extremely important.

Extremely, extreme-- Sex is
extremely important to marriage.

[laughing]

Sex is extremely
important to marriage!

Sex is as important to the
relationship as it is important

to the people who are in
the relationship, some people,

they don't have a high sex
drive. It's not something--

They would prefer comfort,
they prefer a different
kind of connection.

In life you need sex
just to, just to

maintain mental composure,
chemical composure.

The longer you don't come,
have you noticed that
the more fights occur?

You start to become, go crazy.

You start to get angry and
your head starts to go nuts.

So, I feel that ejaculation
is, is, is-- all of the sudden,

like, once you come,
the relationship gets better.

There's such a thing called NSB,

which stands for
Nasty Sperm Buildup,

and that will change
a whole man's demeanor.

And so, you got to express that,
it needs to be expelled
from the body.

He gets cranky
if he doesn't get sex.

So, if I want a smooth marriage
and I want to, you know,

not manipulate but get what
I want, then I know that, like--

-You got to give it up.
-You better give it up.

[laughs]

It's so funny that
even that phrase is a scarcity,

like somebody
taking something from you.

It's like, no,
it's really a gauge

of our relationship.

Even if a couple
is very conflictual
and they fight a lot,

the sex is the glue
that keeps them together.

Couples that I worked
with who stopped having sex,

they don't feel married,
they feel like roommates.

They have to have sex a minimum
of once a week to stay
chemically bonded.

The first marriage...

our sexual relationship was
almost like a reward,

like, if you're being good,

then-- Or, "You didn't upset me,
and you've been good,
I'm going to bless you."

You would get upset,
and I would recoil,

and I couldn't recover,
but who wants to have sex

when they in that
mindset, not me.

It's your responsibility
to your partner

to service them, because if
you're the only--
This is the only

place where you can get this
one thing that you really want.

And sometimes you feel
like you really need,

then you need to be able
to get it when you want it.

The problem is that I'm always
tired because... [laughs]

-So--
-She can always
blame it on the kids.

Sexual freedom and the way that
we take that for granted,

it's really something that's
born in the 18th century.

Before that, everyone agrees
that sexual freedom

is a bad thing, is a dangerous
thing, that sex outside

marriage shouldn't
be allowed in the state

and at the church. And ordinary
people put a huge amount of

effort into policing
and punishing people for that.

Then in the 18th century,

there occurs the first sexual
revolution. For the first time

people start to
articulate the idea that

what they do in their own
bedrooms as consenting adults

-is no one else's business.
-What's the normal
number of times

for a couple to
have sex per week?

-I'd say three.
-Two or three.

-Once, twice.
-Probably once or twice.

I think the reality is one
and under for married couples.

-What do you think?
-Um...

-Yeah, about that.
-I'd settle for twice
a year at this point.

25% of marriages
in the U.S. are sexless.

But then if you add in
couples where they're having sex

out of duty or out of guilt or
out of responsibility or out of

some kind of religious duty,

my guess is at least 40%
of marriages in the U.S.

are sexually dead
or, or not doing well.

How many times was it
when you were single?

-It was a once, twice a day.
-A day.

[laughs]

-Three times a day.
-Five or six a day.

Like, we have in Judaism,
two weeks on, two weeks off

as cold turkey,
anytime that the menstrual week

and one week after,
that is completely taboo.

I've had people that
make love every 25 years.

If the couple is happy,

it's fine. If one person

thinks there's a problem, that's
a definition of a problem.

[Roger] What causes passion
and how do we get it back
when it's gone?

Mother Nature only
gives us a cocktail about
maybe three years of this hot

chemistry between
two people. "Oh, my God.

I'm so in love, and I merge
with this person, so it can get

babies out of us, and then
it's gone in like three years,

and then we're kind of
left in this relationship."

Why can't we have butterflies
in our stomach for our
partner forever?

Short answer is, is you
would die, that would actually

become toxic to your body
over time, to keep releasing

that level of hormone.
When you're madly in love
with somebody,

it's actually hard to
live the rest of your life. Uh,

you're distracted, uh,
you tend to obsess about them.

The masculine, feminine
dynamic is really important

to relationship,
in order to have real spark,

to have real attraction
in a relationship,

it requires polar opposites. To
create really strong attraction,

you need a strong masculine
and a strong feminine energy.

That's where the, the polarity
and the spark comes.

Sometimes women think that
that's a weakness to be
feminine.

Most men don't want
a very masculine woman.

Attraction plus an obstacle
equals passion, right?

You think of all the great
love stories in history,
Romeo and Juliet.

"No, you can't be together.
You can't possibly be together."

You think of any story,
you know, along those lines,

there's always an obstacle,
the family, distance,
war, whatever it is.

Well, what do we do when we
marry someone or when we have a

long-term relationship with
someone, we remove the obstacle.

So then what happens?
Passion diminishes.

So, to rekindle passion
you've got to place
obstacles back in your path?

Right, relationships that
are long-distance, relationships

where one or both of the
partners is away working often,

relationships, which
are very tumultuous, right?

"You don't love me."
"I do love you."
And then make up sex, right?

You got to fight all the time.

Those things are functional

for maintaining passion because
they constantly create distance.

[Sheila] when we had first met,
Norma moved across the country.

-So our entire
relationship was...
-It's long distance.

...was me staying up till
four o'clock in the morning
with a thesaurus

trying to write two sentences
that were clever and witty and

bright and smart like she
was, and just subtly romantic.

The function of sexual
attraction is to close distance,

but once you've
closed the distance,

then that pole is gone.

And that's as, as
natural and unavoidable

as, you know,
when you eat, hunger's gone,

of course it is,
you satisfied the hunger.

-Sometimes need space.
-Need some space.
You do need space.

Space is definitely a thing,
and also just, like,
to breathe deep and just

leave, you know, blaze a J,
whatever you got to do.

We're just fucking... [exhales]

-Woosa.
-And miss each other,
because we have

a very intense marriage.

When passion fades over
time, is there anything
we can do to rekindle it?

Some of the best research
comes from Art Aaron
and his colleagues

who have found that
doing a new activity together

that's active and fun
and novel to both partners--

-Like taking up skiing
or golf or what?
-Those are great examples,

dance would be another thing.
And some of these studies,

they just haven't bounced
around on those, uh,
little bouncy balls

that kids will bounce around on.
It's a totally ridiculous

activity, but these
couples that have been married
20, 30 years will report

these feelings of euphoria
and these feelings of passion

that sometimes
have faded over time.

But it's got to be something
that you both wish to pursue.

It's something that
seems to involve a bit of

physical activity and something
that's novel and new.

Breaking your routine
and doing something different.

After we get married,

we often stop doing
the very things that got us

to fall in love together.
And habituation,

then we experience, not only the
good side of habituation, which

is the security,
but the downside,

which is boredom and taking
each other for granted.

Have fun. Don't forget the--
Think about the first time

you met, you didn't
come with a serious demeanor.

Pleasure is natural.
And if you look at
children running around,

they get pleasure
from everything.
That's our natural state.

[Roger] What about monogamy,
is it difficult to be
monogamous?

You're in Noah's Ark
and you got one chick there,
do you think he'd be monogamous?

Anybody can be in a monogamous
relationship for three years.

Then the need for
diversification comes up,

and that's a chemical issue.

what percentage
of mammals are monogamous?

very few, fewer than 2%.

Most birds are
the other way round,

most birds are monogamous,
and very few

are polygamous, about 90, 95%

of birds are
socially monogamous.

But in the 1980s when genetic
fingerprinting came along,

we discovered that although
they were socially monogamous,

they weren't always faithful.
There was a lot of

infidelity going on.
That a pair of swallows

bringing up a brood of chicks
would be bringing up chicks that

had not been fathered by that
father, or some of them hadn't,

if he was a low status male
with short tail.

If he was a high-status male
with a long tail,
then the chances are

that they were his kids, and
indeed the kids in the nest next

door were his too, you can
immediately see parallels here,

that women when they are
unfaithful tend to choose
high-status males.

How much are people
cheating on each other sexually?

When I was doing my
research, we gave it

a figure of 10% of children

don't belong to
their father, on average.

Why is monogamy the rule?

The central organizing
principle of hunter-gatherer
societies

-is sharing and egalitarianism.
-Everybody shared everything.

Food, shelter, childcare,
protection from predators.

-And probably sex.
-And probably sexuality.

So, any one of the children
could belong to anyone,

a father could,
could, could treat any,

-anybody as their child.
-And do, in contemporary

-hunter-gatherer societies.
-If you were to withhold sex,

would that be seen
as antisocial behavior?

-Quite possibly.
-If monogamy is so difficult,

-why do people actually do it?
-Western civilization

went through this
extraordinary change where it

gradually and painfully,
and with lots of setbacks,

imposed normative
monogamy even on

aristocrats,
and why did we do it?

We probably did it to pacify
society, to re-divert people's

energy from the battle for women

to the battle for
economic growth.

Until very recently, monogamy
has only applied to women,

like, even, you know,
you look at Biblical times,

whatever, adultery is
defined as having sex with

another man's wife.
A married guy could have sex

with slaves, with concubines,
with prostitutes, as long as

he's not having sex
with another man's wife
or unmarried daughter.

-Property issue.
-Exactly.

In a vibrant tribal environment,

everybody needs to know that
they're all kind of in love

with each other, that that's
part of what keeps it strong,

that's part of what
keeps a tribe strong.

There's a, a term
that's called skin hunger,

-the hunger for connection
-Infant mortality rates.

Some of them can be traced

to the fact that
they weren't held enough.

-Yeah.
-We need to be touched
and not just by one person.

It's no different than
demonstrating any other type of

discipline that's
necessary in life.

Are you saying
that monogamy is unnatural,

but it strengthens us
by giving us a test?

Being in a healthy,
monogamous relationship

makes it more likely for you
to succeed, than if you're

going to continue to try to
take on the world on your own.

If you fuck another
people, I kill you.

-[clapping]
-[laughs]

[Roger] What is
the definition of cheating?

Knowingly demonstrating
behavior that the other person

-would consider to be cheating.
-Any time you spend more time

and energy with another person
or thing: golf, tennis, work,

a person, than your partner.

-Keeping secrets
from your spouse.
-Broken agreement.

The only way you know you love
yourself or anybody else

in the contracts you're
willing to make and keep.

And the contracts do not
necessarily mean you're
monogamous.

Cheating is not-- There are--
I have women finding
women for their men.

I have no problem
with open relationships.

I think that you
cheat with your eyes.

I think once you desire
another woman or another man,

-you're already cheating,
-[Marni] You know,
you're fantasizing

about somebody else in your--
when you're having sex.

Is that cheating? Not really.

I know people do it,
but would your partner

be happy to know, "Oh,
what are you thinking about?"

And you're thinking about,
you know, your coworker.

As soon as a person
covets another man's wife,

he is stealing from that other
man. As soon as a woman
covets another man's husband,

she's stealing from another
woman. Like, I tell women,

you know, we dress modestly.

[Roger] Are you breaking
up relationships?

[Noel] No,
there's unfaithfulness

and there's discovered
unfaithfulness. When it's
discovered,

there's a lot of rigmarole that
comes with it. A lot of
marriages can

suffer, breakdown.
Undiscovered infidelity,

there's no evidence
that it has anything other
than a positive impact.

The affair is their marriage
preservation device.

It's a modern construct,
cheating. Uh, it sounds bad.

It's like promiscuity.
It sounds, sounds like

something you shouldn't do,
but it's part of being human.

And even the buzzwords,
unfaithfulness.

Like, I haven't lost
faith in my marriage.

-I just, I just got drunk,
you know?
-Right.

-Why do people cheat?
-Because their needs
aren't being met.

The woman would rather be
a mistress to a powerful man,

than married to a beta.

-[Roger] Are you allowed to get
a massage with a happy ending?
-[laughs]

-Would that be cheating?
-I'm pretty sure I'm not,
uh, but I'm not--

Oh, I think if you asked I would
say, "Yes, you can do that."

-I think if you were
in Thailand and you said--
-Are you fucking kidding me?

-I was just in Thailand.
-[laughs] I know, I, I know.

But you didn't ask, you should
have asked, if you had asked--

Temptation would
be always there,

every flower going to
look prettier than the home.

But you have to remember,
this is only one

flower, the home, they,
they take care of you.

The other all look good,
but, but maybe very poison.

[Roger] Okay, what other
specific things can we do

to improve our relationships
and marriages?

Two things, be kind
and ask for what you want.

love in fairness, right?
Love, "You're special to me,

I care about you.
And I want to be fair with you."

Those are the most
important two things.

How important is honesty
in a relationship?

Honesty is the most
important thing

in any relationship, being
honest, open and forthcoming.

Way overblown, you know,
honesty is one of

those mythologies, again,
that we put out there.

If you didn't have
dishonesty in relationship,
it wouldn't get out of

the starting gate. You know,
you wouldn't have gotten
through the first date.

For a good marriage
it can't be all honest.

You don't say things that are
going to hurt someone's feelings

under the guise of,
"I'm being honest with you."

The idea of honesty implies
that there's only one truth.

And if you don't tell it,
you're being dishonest.

In any relationship, in any
life, there's always multiple

things going on, and we
select what we're going to tell

our partners and what we don't.
The question is:

on what basis do we
make that selection?

Honesty in a marriage has to be
buffered with sensitivity.

We want to tell our partners
things that maintain closeness,

that allow ourselves
to be known accurately.

I had a female friend a long
time ago who asked her husband

if she was the most attractive
woman he'd ever dated.

And he didn't say yes.
She did not like that answer.

And I thought,
"Why did you even go there?"

That's just the question
you shouldn't ask.

Let him volunteer that,
but don't ask that

-if you can't handle the answer.
-Wasn't the right answer
on his side,

"Of course you're
the most beautiful, honey,"

even though-- even if
it is an outright lie.

People look to their partner
for confirmation, right?

And sort of to help their ego,
and to make them feel
better about themselves.

So, if you're really honest, you
can cause long lasting damage.

Maybe there's
a good rule of thumb.
The last is always the best.

I think that's
a great rule of thumb.

No very serious discussions

-after 10 p.m. at night.
-Or...

-Or after a drink or two.
-...after you've
been drinking.

No fight should last
longer than 15 minutes.

-Yeah.
-Because if you're fighting
more than 15 minutes,

you're not fighting about
the issue anymore.

Is it okay to be dissatisfied or
have conflict in a relationship?

It's absolutely wonderful
[chuckles] to be dissatisfied.

That's how
the relationship grows.

It's a very American view
that conflict is an indication

that the relationship
is not good. And the function

of conflict is
mutual understanding.

So, over time, conflict helps us

to learn how to
love one another better.

If you're not fighting,
it means that at least one

person is keeping
things to themselves.

And then they get triggered
by an event of some,
some kind that

makes them recall all these
times that they were aggravated.

I teach people how to fight
fairly by an appointment.

If you have an idea, a want,
an opinion, a suggestion,

a thought, a need, you have to
make an appointment.

"Honey. I have an idea about
where to go,

what to do, when to do it,
how to do it.

When would it
be convenient, today,

hopefully, for you to hear me?"

"Not today." Okay,
write it down, capture it

while it's a hot specimen.
And then the next day,

"Is it convenient for you
to hear my idea from yesterday?"

And if he doesn't
ever want to listen to you,

you're not in a relationship.

Men are allergic
to woman's emotionality.

So, instead of
getting upset with men,

just say,
"Thank you for sharing."

And that way, they'll get
used to telling you.

-Reward the good behavior.
-Try not to get reactive,

because then he'll never
tell you anything again.

Before you react
to your partner's expression,

whatever they're upset about,

ask a question, and make it
a big broad question.

Something like, "Help me
understand this. What is it

that's the most upsetting
part about this for you?"

When the wife says, "I'm sick
of picking up after you,

I'm sick of being everybody's
maid around here."

What she's probably
feeling is overwhelmed.

And so, if he picks it up with,

"I have been doing so
much better with my socks.

This is the first time
in the last eight days

I have left those
socks on the floor.

And now, that's when
you're coming at me."

After that conversation
didn't go anywhere,

she could go back and say,
"I feel bad about
that fight we had.

what I am is overwhelmed
and needing your help."

There's a pretty good chance
he's going to sign up.

If he went up to her
and said, "I just

appreciate everything you
do for me in the family,

and I realize I've probably
been letting you down."

She would probably melt.

If someone's kind
of upset, or...

Speaking, I ask them what they
want, one of four things,

which is: do they want me
just to listen,

do they want advice,

do they want space, or do
they want just loving touch?

Men and women dealing with
stress very, very different.

What ends up happening is
that when one starts talking

about something that
she's upset about,

something that's
a problem for her.

And she wants
to release the emotion,

she wants to get it out,
she wants to be heard,

she wants to be understood.

As soon as he hears the problem,

he jumps in and wants to
fix it, 'cause he wants to help.

Unfortunately, him fixing it

makes her feel that she's
not being heard, which creates

more emotion, because
the emotion gets amplified.

So when woman start to say,
"[sighs] I don't like
my work today.

My boss is, you know, terrible."

A lot of the men, at this
time, should be just,

"Oh, honey. I know
you work very hard.

It's okay, you know,
come, let me give you a hug."

That will solve everything.
To make women feel loved,

you need to let them
feel like you, you hear them.

But most of the time,
men will say,

"Man, that really sounds bad,
but why don't you just tell him,

why don't you just,
you know, quit?"

Did you hear the tone?
It sounds like

you accused me not
doing well enough for, for me.

I just venting to you,
and then you tell me I'm bad.

So, I get angry. So, we will
start an argument here.

Once I've been heard and I feel
I've been listened to and
that we're on the same page,

then I can have a logical
conversation about it.

Be mindful of your
toxic thoughts

that get in the way,
those extreme all or nothing
ways of thinking

-that are not so charitable.
-What are the toxic thoughts?

One example would be
the all or nothing trap.
And that's basically like,

"You never, ever care about
what I think about anything.

You always have to be right.

You never pick anything up.
You're always selfish."

If you would attack your
partner's character in a fight,

calling them names,
saying, "You're so lazy.

You're so selfish."

That goes to who that person is,
and that leads to very

bad feelings. So it can linger
and maybe never go away.

So, it's better for me to say,
"I don't like the clutter versus

-you're a slob."
-Absolutely, the more
that I can make it

my problem, not
in a manipulative way.

"I" is much better than,
"You," in terms of dealing
with conflict.

I'm describing me.
I'm not describing you.

So what I'm doing is
I'm opening myself.

I'm making
myself more vulnerable

so that you can understand
what's going on with me

without feeling
blamed or even disliked.

David's great at talking,
David is not good at listening.

I, I listen to you.
You can't tell me I don't.

You snore.

And I have to keep--

-"Babe, honey, honey, you up?"
-One thing...

-[laughs]
-...the one thing

is, is that it depends
on when you're talking to me.

The one thing to
really build as a skill

is that ability to
listen non-defensively

when your partner's
upset with you.

Really communicate
to your partner,
"When you're upset, baby,

the world stops and I listen."

If you want to connect
better with your spouse

sexually and in other ways,

try 15 minutes a day...

of friendship conversation,
just the two of you.

The kind of conversation
that you have when you

call your friend, or you go out
for breakfast with your friend.

Those are the conversations
that couples stop having.

No logistical talk, no problem
solving and no conflict.

Ask your partner
about their dreams,

the dreams for how they
want to live their life,

their dreams for what gives
their life purpose and meaning.

why is it so important to women
that you spend listening time?

Listening time is time that you
have to invest for sex later,

I think.
There's a way to listen.

And guys don't listen very well,
'cause guys want to advise,

and women don't
want your advice.

Which is kind of
like consulting somebody

and then not
wanting their opinion.

They want somebody
to just shut up and listen.

The other thing that you can do
that's really helpful is express

empathy, not everybody
knows exactly what that is.

Empathy is guessing at
what somebody's feeling

and then saying,
"No wonder you're feeling that."

I've learned three things in
marriage that have helped me
tremendously,

especially when I want to watch
games or when I want to do
something is,

"What? [sighs] For real?"

You just keep running those,
because women need things to
keep them talking

and to keep them doing them.
When you go against those,
you create tension,

but when she comes home,
if you can just say,

"What? No. For real?"

That just throws
another log on the fire.

She keeps talking, she keeps
doing what she's doing,

-and you get peace of mind.
-How many minutes per night

do you have to spend listening
to her to make sure she's happy?

Well, she sets the time
on that, you don't have
any say-so in that.

And it's whenever she wants it,
you give it to her.

And, uh, there are
things you can do

to probably lessen that time.

Like, sometimes I'll try
to finish a story off for her.

Like, she'll start out, "You
know, uh, Jane got fired today."

"What happened? She slept
with Joe, didn't she? Yep,
I knew that was coming.

But, hey, let's check this out."
You have to, you know, kind of

massage to get the time,
to get out of the time.

First of all, when you talk
to a couple, I ask the guy,

"What hurts your wife?"
Not what hurts you.

See if he knows,
and then I ask the wife,

"Did he represent you
accurately?" And she says
either yes or no.

So, we see right there, if he
understands what his wife is

hurting. The same thing with
the wife, "What hurts
your husband?"

And if she can relate that,
if she can't relate that,

"You guys, no communication."
So, what? There's no chance.

Number one, never ask him
what he feels psychologically.

"Are you happy? Are you sad?"
That's mothering.

Only ask him what he feels
if he's puking or bleeding.

-What should men be doing?
-Never ask her what she thinks,

unless you're doing business
with her and you both get paid.

Tell her what you think,
what you want, your opinion,

your suggestions,
your ideas, and then ask her

-how she feels.
-How can I choose
a better partner?

What is it that you want
in a partner? List the traits
and characteristics

that you desire.

We do this in class
sometimes with my students,
and they'll list

dozens of things that
they want in a partner.

The hard part comes when
I say, "Now, be really focused

on the top three.
What are the three things,
three traits or characteristics

that you really want
in a partner that you
can't live without?"

And a lot of times, then,
when you ask students,

then, to think about,
"Well, what were
your previous partners like,

and did they possess
those characteristics?"

They'll say
they had none of them.

Should I stop looking for
a nice figure in a woman

and focus on
emotional stability?

If you are a perfectly
rational being, Roger,

I think that would be be a good
idea, but I always say, uh,

"Kissing your partner shouldn't
feel like eating your veggies."

In the Kama Sutra, they say
that the three principle aims

in a man's life should be:

wealth, virtue, and love.

And that you can't achieve
the any heights of one of them

without simultaneously
pursuing the other two.

So, you can't actually be
completely and totally in love,

if unless you were trying to be

a, a wealthy and virtuous man.

That most undervalued tool
that enhance emotional health,

after 23 years of being
a psychologist, is gratitude.

Being grateful for the person
who you wake up next to.

I think forgiveness is essential
in, in a marriage, because where
the fuck you going to go?

You're still going to
wake up next to that
person the next day.

I think, now, our fights
are a lot less intense
than they used to.

We deal with broken glass,
all kinds of crazy shit.

-I'm Brazilian.
-Yeah, she's Brazilian.
In the beginning.

'Cause it's just,
fucking everything was
a goddamn fucking, you know,

level five hurricane. We've had
a million fake breakups,

We've fucking--
She goes to moms,

or, or we immediately
walk out, slam the door.

"Fuck you,
I'm signing the papers."
And it never goes anywhere.

We're still back
in the same goddamn place,
and we're in love.

-We have a plaque in the kitchen
which I can show you.
-With the rules.

Quotes the house rules,
Mama's rules.

-This is my rules.
-[Don] One: be kind,
forgive quickly,

tell the truth, love
each other, and have fun.

We used to do things to have
fun. This is not a boring
marriage, it's not suicide,

marriage is not a death
certificate, marriages is, is,

is a new chapter to life,
marriage is living.

[Roger] What advice do you
have for somebody
considering marriage?

You will absolutely
know it in your bones

if you've found someone
that will work for you.

And if you spend
a lot of time convincing
yourself about it,

-it's not the right person.
-It's not a good idea.

Before anyone gets married,

I think they should do
premarital counseling.

-[Roger] Did you do that?
-No, uh, we did, but we lied.

-[laughs]
-'Cause a lot of times,
people don't ask the questions

about how you're
going to handle finances

and children and infidelity.

What if nobody gets
married anymore,

if they go to counseling
first? [chuckles]

cleanliness of a house,
aspirations and goals.

We didn't have any goals.
I started having tons of goals.

My husband had zero goals.
And that was the--

-hard for me.
-Yeah, but I've grown up
since then. I'm a big boy now.

I think the person should
have to list three references,

and you should be able to call
those references and find out

what was the reason the
relationship didn't work out.

"Hey, I checked
your references out,

all those relationships ended
great. Let's move forward."

But if it comes back,
"These people want to kill you."

That's a [laughs] recipe for no.

The number one warning sign
is having a problem with anger.

Both women and men have to
really protect ourselves

from people who are
emotionally abusive.

A lot of the men I work with,
you know, they say,

"I just want to have
someone who's low drama,

someone who's
not that high maintenance,

and someone who makes
my life easier and better."

Religious couples actually
tend to be a bit

more stable over time.

And researchers think part
of the reason is because

there's an agreed
upon set of rules

and agreed-upon expectations
in the relationship.

So, it's not
necessarily anything
inherent in the religion,

but just the fact
that the social rules
are very well laid out.

So, the key to success in
a relationship is going in
knowing all the rules?

Yeah. I wish you could know
them all. You can never quite

know all of them, of course,
but if you know some of

the fundamental ones, that's,
that's certainly helpful.

Marcus Aurelius, one of
the greatest emperors
of the Roman era said,

"Our lives are dyed
the color of our imaginations."

I hated the idea of marriage,
I hated the concept of marriage,

I hated the idea
of monogamy. And, uh,

I think the lesson, then,
is usually the things

you fear the most are probably
the things you most need.

[Roger] Here's the big question:
Why should I get married?

You know, there are many reasons
to be married that have nothing
to do with reproduction.

Uh, you can ask any gay couple
about that, right?

Taxes, uh, visas, living in
foreign countries,

the hospital visitation rights,
inheritance.

To be in their partner's
obituary, to be able
to talk to the doctor,

and to have the kids
not be embarrassed.

When you bring children,
and you educate them to be
upright fine human beings,

to build society,
to contribute to society.

You never die because
your legacy lives on.

If you think back on
your life and the greatest
moments of your life,

the times when you had the most
fun, the most memorable,

they always
involve other people.

It's not usually just you.
[chuckles] You and your cat,

you and the Grand Canyon.
[chuckles]

It's usually you, friends,
family, a partner.

You want someone that
you can share things with.

it's so worth it when you get
that balance right.

Where you're actually sharing
your life with somebody who--

You're both putting
the effort in, and you're
enhancing each other's lives,

and amplifying the experience.
You have this person who

you get to share
all of the minutiae that,

actually, on your own
maybe wouldn't have been as fun.

But getting to share it with
somebody is very fulfilling.

[Roger] In case you
just missed it,

that was the answer
we've been looking for.

Marriage is a legal contract,
primarily having to do with
sharing money

or property or your estate.

There is no legal
requirement that you have to

stay with somebody forever
or be loving or be monogamous

or a good listener.
The basic underlying reason

people get married is to
agree to share their resources,

mainly for the purpose
of raising children,

but regardless of
whether you get married or not,

it's this simple,
life is better shared.

The sunset is more
beautiful when you
experience it with somebody.

Even if a relationship doesn't
last as long as you like,

or it's difficult and painful,
you still experienced
life together.

Success in a relationship
means you learned

what that coming together
was there to teach you.

So, open up and share
your life with somebody.

[upbeat guitar music]