All language subtitles for The.Tender.Trap.1955.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

♪ You see a pair of laughing eyes ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're sighing sighs ♪

♪ You're thinking
nothing's wrong ♪

♪ You string along, boy ♪

♪ Then snap! ♪

♪ Those eyes, those sighs ♪

♪ They're part of
the tender trap ♪

♪ You're hand-in-hand
beneath the trees ♪

♪ And soon there's music
in the breeze ♪

♪ You're acting kind of smart ♪

♪ Until your heart
just goes whap! ♪

♪ Those trees, that breeze ♪

♪ They're part of
the tender trap ♪

♪ Some starry night ♪

♪ When her kisses
make you tingle ♪

♪ She'll hold you tight ♪

♪ And you'll hate yourself
for being single ♪

♪ And all at once,
it seems so nice ♪

♪ The folks are throwing
shoes and rice ♪

♪ You hurry to a spot ♪

♪ That's just a dot on the map ♪

♪ And then you wonder
how it all came about ♪

♪ It's too late now,
there's no gettin' out ♪

♪ You fell in love ♪

♪ And love is the tender trap ♪

♪ Bool yab boo Dee boo da ♪

♪ Ba do Ba de boo de boo da ♪

Is that the best
you've got to say?

Mmm...

Hmm. You can do
better than that.

What do you want?
A testimonial?

That'd be nice.

Hmm...

You know, I've been wanting
to tell you something

for months now.

What?

You are the softest girl.

Ha. Gee, thanks.

That's what every
girl wants to hear.

No, I mean it.

You're not flabby
or anything like that.

Just nice and soft.

You know what I mean.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Who is that?

I'll be darned if I know,

but whoever it is,
I don't want any.

Oh...

Maybe I'd better...

Yeah.

I'll just be a minute.

Don't lose the place.

Joe!

Charlie!

Well, I'll be!

How are you, Joe?

How's Ethel?

Egads, it's good
to see you, Joe!

How's everything
in Indianapolis?

Hey, how about a drink?
Still Martinis?

Same drink, same wife.

You got it.

Why don't you let a fella
know you're coming, Joe?

Didn't you get my telegram?

Nope. No wire.

That's funny.
I sent one.

Anyway, I'm staying with you.

Good. Welcome aboard, Joe.

Wow! What a water hole.

Yeah.

This is a far cry
from the tree houses

you used to fall out of
as a kid.

Do all theatrical agents
in New York live like this?

How much money
you making, anyhow?

Almost as much as I'm spending.

Hey, how's everything
at the old plant?

The Indiana
pharmaceutical company

seems to be keeping
its head above water.

Good. Well, drink up, Buddy boy.

Joe.

Charlie.

I'm glad to see success
has not changed you.

You still make a lousy Martini.

Get out of there.

Hey, did I ask you how's Ethel?

Ethel? She's ok.

And how about Charlie,
my boy? How's he?

Well, I don't know.

Last week, we were thinking

we shouldn't have
named him after you.

Hmm?

He fell out of a tree house.

Oh, my gosh!
Did he get hurt?

Nah.
Fell on his sister.

Oh, my gosh!

It's all right, Charlie.

It was a very low tree house.

Good. What are you doing
in New York? Business?

Well, not really.
I've left Ethel.

You what?!

You left Ethel!

Joe, you can't be serious!

Hello.

You mean you walked out on her?

Hello.

You left the mother
of your children?

The woman who gave you
the best years of her life?

Sweetie!
Hmm?

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but it's almost 6:00.

It is? Oh, gee, that's a shame.

Oh... Poppy Matson, Joe McCall.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Thanks for dropping by.

Well, I'll just tidy up
a little before I--

No, you don't have
to do that, honey.

I'll take care of it myself.

Don't you want me
to empty the ashtrays?

No. I'll take care of it,

and I'll give you
a bell real soon.
Tomorrow?

No, not tomorrow, but real soon.

You promise.
I will.

On the telephone.

Soon?
Yes, very soon.

Bye.

Oh, Charlie, did I tell you?

My uncle caught the whitefish.

What?
Don't you remember?

You told me how much
you loved whitefish.

He's sending one down.

Oh, yes. Good, good.

I'll call you just
as soon as it arrives.

You do that.

And we'll have
a wonderful dinner

with burgundy and candlelight,

a damask tablecloth,
and lemons...

I can hardly wait.

Bye.

Bye.

Where the Sam hill
did she come from?

Never mind.

Now, what is all this stuff
about you leaving Ethel?

Ethel? Oh, I left her.

Charlie, that gorgeous girl...

Are there any more like her?

Forget the gorgeous girl, Joe,

and let's settle down
and discuss this thing.

Why did you leave Ethel?

Oh, that was her suggestion.

It was nothing like you think.

Really?

What is it like, Joe?

What's it like?

Mmm.

Well, it's like this.

Last week, we celebrated
our 11th anniversary.

Oh, did you get my silver tray?

We got 7 silver trays.
But thanks.

Oh.

Anyway, after everyone had gone,

Ethel and I looked
at each other,

and Ethel said,

"Joe, I love you
very, very much.

Why don't we take a vacation
from each other?"

So I said, "well, there's a
little business in New York

I could take care of."

She said, "you do that.

"See some shows, sponge
off old Charlie...

"And then you come
running back here

"and chase me all over the house

the way you used to."

So...

Doggone!

I told you that Ethel
was a smart girl.

We'll drink to her.

Charlie.
Joe.

Ethel.

Hiya, honey.

Oh, hiya, Jessica.

I'm a little busy right now. I--

Oh, that's all right, darling.

I just happened to be down
at the Washington market today,

and I ran right smack into

this wonderful,
real Wisconsin Colby,

and I knew you like it
better than any other cheese,

and so here it is.

I got a friend
down at the market

who's going to alert me

the very minute
the first apples appear,

and I'm keeping you in mind
for a whole bushel of--

Well, how can you live
in a place that looks like this?

Jessica, this is Joe McCall.
Jessica Collins.

How do you do, Mr. McCall?

Have you ever seen anyone
keep a place in such disorder?

Why, I don't know what
Mr. McCall will think.

Oh, now, you two go on
about your business,

and don't you pay me no mind,

and I'll have this place
at least looking tidy.

Well, my goodness,
here's a telegram...

And it hasn't even
been opened yet.

Somebody may have died
or something.

Now, what this place
needs is a real thorough,

old-fashioned housecleaning.

A lick and a promise
won't do. No, sir.

Thank you.

Now, have you seen those drapes?

Well, those drapes need

a real thorough,
old-fashioned flogging,

and I'm going to do it--

And that couch.

What have you been doing
on that couch?

Uh, Jessica,

I appreciate what
you're doing, honey,

but not now...
Some other time.

Oh, you always say that.

No, really, I'll
call you very soon.

Don't forget, now, hear?

I hear.

Promise?

I promise.

Good-bye, Mr. McCall.

Mmm...

Mmm... Tiger.

Bye.

Bye.

Where am I?

Where do all these
tomatoes come from?

Tomatoes?

How dare you call
these girls tomatoes?

For your information,
Mr. McCall,

poppy is an important
editor at Doubleday,

and Jessica happens
to be the buyer

for the largest chain
of women's stores

in the south.

Tomatoes, indeed!

Charlie, I'd like
to ask you something.

Hey, how about this?
My friend Joe McCall

is coming to spend a couple
of weeks with me.

I got to shave.
I got a date.

Tomatoes or no tomatoes,
tell me one thing:

How come you rate
with girls like that?

Because I'm big
and strong and fat.

And don't think you're gonna

beat my time with them,

the way you did all the others.

Charlie, you're 35 years old.

You're not still brooding
about the junior prom,

are you?

You're darn right, I am.

300 girls in a line,

and right at
the head of the line

is this lovely, sweet,
absolute doll of a girl

smiling right at me.

All I've got to do

is take 3 simple paces
forward and say,

"may I have the pleasure
of this dance?"

Not me. Way down
at the end of the line,

I spot this tall job--

The goofy one with the hot eyes.

And even from where I stand,
I know this is trouble.

So what do I do?
Of course...

I cut my way through
a half-mile of organdy

while you take the 3
simple paces forward.

You get Ethel,

and I get slapped
with a paternity suit.

At least they cleared you.

Why shouldn't they?

I never even laid
a glove on her.

That's what Ethel said.
From the beginning,

Ethel said, "Charlie
couldn't have done it."

That's right.

"He hasn't got the know-how."

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey.

No, I can't tonight.

No, not tomorrow night, either.

No, no, no. The place
is very clean. Yeah.

Thanks for calling.

Yeah. Ok. I'll get
back to you. Bye.

Boy, what have you got?

It's not what I've got, Joe,

it's what I haven't got--
A wife.

A wife?

Mm-hmm. When I first
came to New York,

I figured it would be
just like back home.

You know, meet a girl,
take her to the movie,

send her some candy
and flowers...

Romance her a little bit.

Well?

Not the way it works
in New York.

They got a kind of
an underground here.

Soon as a bachelor
sets foot in this town,

the signals go out,

and even before you get
your bag unpacked,

you're up to there in dames.

Look, it's wonderful.
A plain joker like me...

I've got dames I haven't
even called yet.

And it goes on
like this all the time?

All the time.

And all you got
to be is a bachelor?

Mm-hmm.

Pal, you really got it taped.

Mm-mmm. Not me.
It's New York, Joe.

City's teeming with dames.

To tell you the truth,
every once in a while,

I get a little bored with it.

Oh, I feel for you, pal.

You know what I mean.

Sure, it's fun,
but let's face it--

You're the guy
who's got it taped.

Me?
Mm-hmm.

I would be happy to
trade this rat race

for your setup in 2 seconds.

You come home in the evening
to a pretty little house.

3 kids run down the path
yelling, "daddy!"

You go inside,

and there's Ethel
in a cute little apron.

She throws her arms
around your neck

and gives you
a big smack and says--

"Joe, we got to have
wall-to-wall carpeting."

Oh, now, don't go
knocking Ethel to me.

I'm not knocking her.
If it weren't for Ethel,

we wouldn't have
wall-to-wall carpeting.

Can you imagine that?
People would be able

to see the floor around
the edge of the rug.

Incidentally, the kids
don't run down the path

to greet me when
I come home at night.

They're too tired.

After a day of dancing lessons

and fencing lessons,

elocution lessons,
eurhythmic lessons...

Dramatic lessons,

finger-painting lessons...

As a matter of fact,

Ethel isn't home, either.

The dog is taking her
to obedience school.

Oh, come on, Joe.

It can't always be like that.

No. No, it isn't
always like that.

Sometimes at night after
the kids are asleep,

it's nice and quiet...

Just the two of us alone.

I start a fire in the fireplace,

Ethel gets the good Brandy out.

We push a couple of
chairs together.

I squeeze her hand,
she squeezes mine.

"Honey," I say.

"Darling," she says,

"don't you think it's time

Peter had braces on his teeth?"

One stinking kid
left in the house

without braces,
she can't stand it.

I'm not even listening to you.

I can't believe that Ethel--
Little starry-eyed Ethel--

With that angel smile
and the cutest little figure

in the entire middle-west...

Is it still?

Yep.

Don't tell me that doesn't
please you anymore, Buddy.

It delights me.

After all, married 11 years...

I never even looked
at another woman.

Are you thinking of looking now?

Certainly not. Why?

Well, when guys start telling me

how many years they didn't,

I figure they're
about ready to do.

And no matter what you say,

I'll bet you were plenty
happy with your setup

until you came in here and
saw what I've fallen into.

Maybe you're right, pal.
After all, 11 years...

Yeah.
11 wonderful years.

And don't forget that. Uh-oh!

What's the matter?
Night shift coming on?

No, no. She isn't
just one of the girls.

This is something special.

What's she got?
Her own vacuum cleaner?

No. This one hardly
cleans up at all,

although she does
straighten up a little.

I see.
What is it with her?

Oh, she's really special.

You know she used to play
with Stokowski?

You mean his children?
How old is she, anyway?

Oh, shut up.

You'll see Sylvia in a--
Ah, here we come now.

Which one of the
gentlemen is Sylvia?

Oh, have you got
a surprise coming.

Sylvia, this is Joe McCall.
Joe, this is miss Crewes.

Honored, miss Crewes.

Poor dear. She can
hardly wait to get here.

I guess I'd better hurry.

It doesn't take Sylvia very long
to get over here from NBC.

What did they do,

shoot her out of the Cannon?

Oh, hello.

Where's the dog?

He's in the kitchen.

I know.

Hey, hey...

Who's she?

I'm sorry, I can't
introduce you, Joe.

I forget her last name.

It's Helen something-or-other.

I'll take good care
of Joe. Come on.

Thank you.

You named the dog
after me. I'm touched.

She comes in and
walks him twice a day.

One of these nights

I'm going to have to
take her to dinner.

That'd be nice of you, sultan.

Evening, miss Crewes.

Hello, George.

All moved in, Mr. Loughran?

Yes, yes... Everything
except the piano

and a couple of end tables.

I got it.

Hi, baby.

This is a tuxedo?

Well, we were just
unpacking, and--

Bye.

This one is different.

She'll be back.

He tell you I'd be back?

Well...

Yes.

What's your name?

McCall.

Do you have a tuxedo,
Mr. McCall?

Uh... Well, as a matter
of fact, I don't.

Go and change, boy.

5 minutes, so help me.

Can I fix you a drink,
Mr. McCall?

Please allow me.

Well, I've never
heard such gallantry

in this apartment.

Scotch?

Fine.

No tuxedo, hmm?

Tell me... You got a blue suit?

Yes. There's one
right there on top. See?

I see.

Water?

Please.

Oh, that's the wife and kids.

Oh... You're Joe McCall!

I'm Sylvia Crewes.

Hello.

Thank you.

Uh, that dressing gown

that Charlie sent Ethel
last Christmas...

Did it fit?

You bought that.

I didn't think Charlie
had that much taste.

Which one's Peter?

The one without the braces.

Of course, that was
taken 6 months ago.

You know, Charlie makes
very good use of your family

in his courtship.

I use the term loosely.

How do you mean?

Well, whenever he gets
a little misty,

he starts telling big lies
about how one day

he'd like a nice little house
and a nice little wife

and nice little kids,
just like good old Joe.

Did it ever occur to you

that he might not be lying?

Mr. McCall, if it hadn't
occurred to me,

I wouldn't be here.

45 seconds!

I'll be right there.

You better be.

Oh, I saw you on television

a little while ago.

Did you? Well, that's
very sweet of you,

considering that range rider
was on the rival network.

I don't quite understand it.

You're a musician
with an NBC orchestra.

How'd you get together
with old tin ear Charlie?

Oh, he's not such a tin ear.

I've been working on him.
He's making fine progress.

Charlie?

Mmm. He just loves
Peter and the wolf.

Listen.

See? That wasn't easy for him.

You know, Charlie tells me

that you go all the way back
to fourth grade together.

Yeah.
Further than that.

Kindergarten.

Oh?

What was he like then?

Mmm... Little.

What did you do
when you were a kid?

Like when?

Oh... 5 to 10?

Played the fiddle.

10 to 20?

Played the fiddle.

20 to...

Say it.

28?

Thank you very much.
Played the fiddle.

And I guess I'll just keep on
fiddling until I die

or get married,
whichever comes first.

And there you are.

My, but don't you look pretty.

I'd ask you to go with us, Joe,

but I don't want you.

I don't blame you.

If you get tired,

that thing makes up into a bed,

and if you can't sleep,

there's some Seconal
in the medicine cabinet.

If you have trouble
staying awake,

there's some Benzedrine
in there.

If you can't make up your mind,

take one of each.

Oh... If you get hungry,

there's a nice new cheese
in the refrigerator.

That's for getting
ready so quick.

Whoever had it so good?

Not me.

Don't wait up for me. Bye.

Night.

Oh.

Thank you.

Hello... Helen.

I'm sorry I don't know
your last name.

Charlie forgot to introduce us,

but I'm his best friend.

As a matter of fact,
he's named after me.

Joe McCall's my name.

Hiya, namesake.

In your bed, Joe.

What's your hurry?

Let's have a drink.

No, thanks. I have
dinner on the stove.

Well, let it stay.
We'll go out for dinner.

No, thanks.

Why not?

Mr. McCall,
you're a married man.

Oh, Charlie told you, huh?

Well, as a matter
of fact, he didn't.

You mean you could tell
just by looking at me?

Of course.
Good night.

I wouldn't know...
Is he any good?

He can't be. He's not
one of our clients.

Thank you very much.
Who's next?

A miss Gillis.
Miss Gillis, please!

Watch this kid, Charlie.

The office signed her last week.

All right, miss Gillis.

Now, do you mind
telling us something

about yourself...

You know, your background,

theatrical experience,
and so forth.

Don't be nervous, miss Gillis.

Well, I'm not at all nervous.

My name is Julie Gillis,

and I was born right here
in New York City.

I'm 22 years old.

That is, I was 21 1/2
a week ago Wednesday,

but as soon as I pass
the halfway mark,

I always say I'm a year older.

I know that most people
wait until the last minute

to tack on another year,
but I...

Well, maybe I am
a little bit nervous.

You go right ahead, miss Gillis.

Tell us anything you want to.

Well, there isn't
very much more to tell.

My only theatrical experience
was this past June

at the senior class play
at Briarwood.

We did the pirates of Penzance,

and there was an agent there,

and he gave me
something to sign,

and here I am.

Are you still there?

We're still here, miss Gillis.

Now, you sing or dance

or just keep on talking.

I think I'd better sing.
I talk too much.

I think I'd better
take my glasses off.

She looks too good
with these on.

Steady, buster.

I think this kid's
got something, Eddie.

Bring her over to Berger's.
I'd like to talk to her.

You two won't mind, will you?

Why should we mind?

We'll be right there with you.

Civelli?!

Hmm?

How do you like that?

They hired civelli

as conductor of
the summer symphony.

Civelli?!
How do you like that!

Oh, it's... Shocking.

I don't say he's
a bad violinist,

but conductor?

Why, it's ridiculous.

The bum never hit .300
in his whole life.

Sucker for an inside curve.

Well, he's good enough
for the classics,

but what are they going to do

when they get past Brahms?

Probably have to put
in a pinch hitter.

They wouldn't take
a woman for the job.

Oh, no, of course not.

Makes it too tough
in the locker room.

Very funny.

What did you two do for laughs

before I came along?

Sorry I asked.

Julie, this is Charlie reader,

our top talent man.

Miss Gillis.
Hello.

How do you do?

This is miss Crewes
and Mr. McCall--

Sylvia and Joe...

Two of my friends

who have absolutely no talent.

I'll see you later, Charlie.

Good-bye, Eddie.

Can I get you a drink
or something?

Just coffee, thanks.

We have plenty of that.

Sugar and cream?

Yes, please.

I can only stay a few minutes.

I just wanted to tell you

how impressed we were
with your singing.

Yes, you were lovely.

I had a word with the producer,

Sammy Sayers,

and he says it looks as though

you're just about set
for the part.

Oh, good.

Thank you.

This is your first
professional show,

isn't it?
Yes.

Well, aren't you just
a little bit excited

about breaking through
for the first time out?

Oh, the theater's all right,

but only temporarily.

You're thinking of taking up

something else?

Well, yes...
Marriage, I hope.

Oh.

Did you have any particular
young man in mind?

Well, there are any
number of young men,

but I haven't found mine yet.

Well, a pretty
young thing like you

shouldn't have much trouble.

Well, I certainly hope not.

I mean, a career is just fine,

but it's no substitute
for marriage.

Don't you think so, miss Crewes?

Miss Gillis, I think so...

Passionately, I think so.

Honestly, don't you
think marriage

is just the most important thing

in the world?
I mean,

a woman isn't really
a woman at all

until she's been married

and had children.
And why?

Because she's fulfilled.
Isn't that right?

Right.

You agree?

Of course I do.
What red-blooded

American boy doesn't?

This red-blooded
American boy doesn't.

Why not?

Well, in order to be fulfilled,

you have to have a man,
and it might be just possible

that what fulfills you
might not fulfill him.

My man, it will.

You have his specifications?

Well, yes.
I know everything

except his blood type.

Tell us about it.

You mean it?

Because this is something
I could talk about all day.

You're on, miss Gillis.

Well, the first thing
I want in a man,

he's got to love children.

How many do you
think you'd like?

3.

That's the magic number.

But not right away.
The first 2 years

we're going to live in New York.

I mean, we'll be young,

and we'll want to have
lots of fun,

and there's no better
place to have fun

than New York, is there?

The children will come later.

But not in New York?

No, we'll move to
the country for that.

Oh, probably the first baby

will be born in New York.

At what hospital?

At doctor's--

Oh, you're kidding me.

Never mind him.
Tell us some more.

We really are interested.

Fascinated.

Look, I know this sounds crazy

if you don't know me,

but people that know me

think it's quite normal.

I'm sure they do, miss Gillis.

You have a house
in the country and the baby,

and now what do you do?

I have 2 more babies.

I didn't say a thing.

Yes?

Well, when the kids get out

of scarsdale
public high school--

Oh... Scarsdale.

Well, certainly.
Everyone knows they have

the best school system
in the country.

Of course.
Everybody knows that.

Now, Joe...

I mean it. Everybody
in Indianapolis

sends their kids to scarsdale.

I've been kidded
about this before,

but I do know what I want.

That's good. Go on.
Tell us more.

Well, as I was saying,

when the kids get
out of high school

and go to college--

Miss Gillis, don't you think

you're just getting
a little ahead of yourself?

Well, after all,

a person just can't go on

ad-libbing his way
through life.

Well, some do.

Some have to.

Sure, but that's because

they made their plans too late.

I wish I knew the answer
to that one.

Well, now that I've told you

all my girlish dreams--

Do you really have to go?

I really have to.
Miss Crewes.

Good-bye.

I'll get you a taxicab.

No, don't bother.
Mr. McCall.

Oh, I couldn't think of letting

the mother of 3 children
walk out on the streets

alone in this sinful
old city of New York.

Good-bye.

See you later.

Bye.

That is the most
terrifying child

I ever met in my life.

I'm a little shaky myself.

Tell me, miss Gillis,

what are your plans
for the next 400 years?

Oh, well, first, I shall
have some children.

Oh? And how do you
intend to have them?

The usual way.

No, I mean in what order?

Oh, well, first a boy,

then a girl, then another boy,

and then a...
Chocolate cream.

And what typical little
American community

do you intend to live in?

Las Vegas...
Where else?

You know how it is
with contracts.

It'll probably be a week or two

before we have anything
for you to sign,

so meanwhile,
how about you and I

having dinner tomorrow night?

Together?

Of course.

Why?

Why?!

Well, I mean, for what reason?

Does there have to be a reason

for a male and female

to sit down and
break bread together?

I mean, tomorrow night
you'll probably be hungry,

and you'll want to eat.

But why with you?

Well, it's a simple
question, isn't it?

Yes. I wish I had
a simple answer.

I wish I had any answer.

Well, I'll put it
the other way around.

Tomorrow night, you'll be hungry

and want to have dinner...

But why with me?

Miss Gillis,

through the years I have found

that sitting across the table
with a beautiful girl

is not only pleasant,

but it's awfully good
for my digestion.

Well, I've only known
you a few minutes,

but you seem fairly nice.

You're even attractive
in an off-beat,

beat-up sort of way.

Thanks a lot.

But I can't have dinner

with every nice,
attractive man I meet.

It's not part of my plan.

How was that plan again?

My marriage plan.

When I meet somebody new
and I don't feel

an immediate chemistry
between us...

Well, I'm polite,
but that's all.

And you mean that
you feel nothing chemical

between you and me?

Exactly.

Thank you very much
for the coffee.

You do understand

why I can't have dinner
with you, don't you?

It's crystal clear, miss Gillis.

Good. Good night.

About time you got here.

Were you kidding
with what you told
me on the phone?

I was not.

There she sits.
You talk to her.

Ethel Barrymore signed
a contract like this.

Helen Hayes, Sarah Bernhardt...

Fellas, I'd like to have
a couple of minutes alone

with miss Gillis.

Hello, Julie.

Are you going
to shout at me, too,

Mr. reader?

No, I'm not, Julie.

As a matter of fact,
I'm going to be very quiet.

I just want to get
right to the point.

To save you time,

you don't have to tell me

how it's a tradition
of the theater

for everybody to sign

a run-of-the-play contract.

Good.
Then we can skip that.

But do you think
it's fair to Mr. Sayers

and the investors

that you quit 4 1/2 months
after the show opens?

I'm sorry,

but if I postpone
my marriage once,

I may postpone it again.

I can't take the chance.

I'm afraid I can
only sign a contract

until march 12.

What's so special
about march 12?

Well, that's when my mother
and father were married--

On march 12.

And in my plan, that's
the absolute deadline.

It just doesn't
make sense, Julie,

because just the other day,
you told me

that you hadn't even met
your young man yet.

Oh, but I will.
If you have a plan,

and you really believe in it,

it'll work.

Uh, why don't we go
over to Berger's

and talk this over, huh?

No, thanks.
I've already had lunch.

Well, we could have
dinner tonight--

Oh, Mr. reader,

I've already explained to you

how I feel about
dinner with you.

Julie...

This is not chemistry,
it's business!

You promised me
you wouldn't shout.

I've got to get some air.

Charlie, what happened?

Did she sign?

Sam, best thing to do is
to sign her until march,

and maybe I can get her
to change her mind by then.

Where are you going?

The nearest bar.

Wait.
I'll go with you.

Hello?

No, I'm sorry, he's not.

Yes.

Yes, I'll tell him.
Thank you.

Hello?

No, I'm sorry, he isn't.

Miss Snur?

Would you spell that, please?

S-n-r?

Yes, miss Snir.

United nations, Thursday night,
curry dinner.

I shall tell him. Bye.

Miss Snr.
What kind of a name is that?

Just give me the facts, ma'am.

Oh, hello, Jessica.
How are you?

No, I'm sorry,
he hasn't come in yet.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I'll tell him
as soon as he gets in.

Hi, Joe.

Hiya, sheik.

What did Jessica want?

What they all want...

To feed you, caress you,
burp you...

Sew monograms
on your stupid shirts.

Oh, did Carol get the thread

for the monograms?

Yes, she did.
Good girl.

And Jessica stumbled across
a brand-new cheese.

S-n-r?

Yeah.
That's miss Snr.

She wants you to come over
Thursday evening and curry her.

You're a good boy, Joe.

Look for something
a little extra special

in your pay envelope Saturday.

I hope you don't mind
I tied up your telephone

for about 3 minutes
this afternoon

with a personal call.

Ethel phoned.

Oh? How is she?

Well, she says she's
restless and bored,

and she's going
to carpet the bathroom.

You answer it.

I'm developing
a cauliflower ear.

Hello? Oh,
how are you, Sayers.

No, I don't know where she is.

She didn't show
for rehearsal at all?

Well, all I can suggest, pal,

is maybe you better call
the police station

or the nearest hospital.

Maybe you ought to try
the morgue.

Oh, I know it's no joke, Sayers.

What do you mean, you're
sorry she came into your life?

How about me?

She wouldn't even
have dinner with me.

Yeah. If I hear from her,
I'll call you. Bye.

The Gillis dame

didn't even show
for the rehearsal.

What do you think of that?

I try not to think of her,

and I'm succeeding.

And now NBC takes you

to the knightsbridge armory
and the American home show.

Before we show you the exciting
innovations in homemaking,

we will turn our cameras
on the enthusiastic crowds

that have gathered here.

Hey, Charlie, come here.

What's up?

Look at that.

We come now to the feature
of homemaker's haven,

the kitchen of tomorrow--

Gadgetry that does away
with drudgery.

Is this what you
hustled me in here for?

Wait, wait.
Look at the audience.

If anyone has any questions,
that's what I'm here for.

I have a question.
Excuse me.

Egads!
It's Gillis!

How big a family was
this kitchen designed for?

Well, we've planned it
for what the experts say

will be the average
American family in a few years--

Husband, wife, and 3 children.

Oh, that's perfect!

I got to get up there

and get her down to rehearsal.

Why you?

'Cause it's my responsibility.

I'm her agent.

Oh, come on, now.

Don't give me that agent
responsibility bit.

This chick has got you
tied up in knots

because she won't have
anything to do with you.

You don't know what
you're talking about, boy.

Stay away from this girl.

She's a trap with
the trigger all set.

So what?
Do you think

I'd kick away a setup like this?

I don't know, Charlie.

Why did you keep falling
out of that tree house?

I have not fallen out
of a tree house in years.

Don't you worry
about old Charlie.

Huh. There's a familiar ring.

"Don't worry about old Charlie."

Isn't that what
you used to scream

as you fell over the edge?

That's funny.

Hey, wait a minute.

You got a date with Sylvia.

You're supposed to
pick her up at NBC.

You're a college graduate.
You think of something.

No, Mr. Wilson, it just isn't--

May I point out again

that this house was planned

by the world's greatest
modern architect.

I can't put my finger on it,

but I just know--

Oh, hello, Mr. reader.
What are you doing here?

Now, that's a funny thing.

I was just going to ask you
the same question.

Seems I have a childish idea

that you're long overdue
at rehearsal.

Oh, my goodness!

I just stopped in
for a few minutes.

Oh, I must've been
here for hours.

In that case, let's go.

Wait. I just want to ask
you one question,

then we'll go.
Does the combination

of this room and
this furniture...

And Mr. Wilson in that chair
do anything for you?

I don't know.
Is it supposed to?

Well, yes. You see,
I love this style house,

and I love this decor,

but when a man
sits in that chair,

it just doesn't seem to gel.

It sort of goes out of focus.

It isn't your fault,
Mr. Wilson.

4 other men were good enough

to sit in that chair
for me, but I...

You haven't any idea

of what I'm talking
about, have you?

Have you?

Mr. Wilson,
will you please get up

and let Mr. reader
sit right down here?

Julie, you're 2 hours late
as it is.

Believe me, sir,

blind obedience works out best.

What did I do?

It's amazing.

The room seems
so different now...

All at once.

Do you see it, Mr. Wilson?

Ok, class is over.
Let's go, Julie.

Mr. Wilson, you must come
and visit us sometime.

Yes, but the chair--

Thank you very much.

Amazing.

All right, Julie.

Amazing.
This way.

Hello, Sylvia.

Oh, Joe! What brings you
to this windswept corner?

Anything to do with
Charlie not being here?

Uh, well, as a matter of fact...

All right, lad, let's have it.

Well, it's just a matter that...

Charlie getting a call from...

Uh, his draft board?

Uh, no, no, no.

His boss called an
emergency staff meeting,

and, uh...

Would you care to
look me in the eye,

Mr. McCall?

Not particularly.

You know, I don't mind
being lied to

if I felt that a little work

went into the lie--
A little imagination.

Well, it was Charlie's idea

that perhaps I could
fill in for him...

That is, if it's
all right with you.

Let's have a look at you.

Pirouette slowly.

You'll do.

Then you're my date?

I see no way out of it.
I'm your date.

You're, uh...

Angry with Charlie and me,
aren't you?

No, I'm not.

Really, I'm not.

Why not?
You should be.

Well, I have a high I.Q.
And a low boiling point.

How would you like
to buy me a malted milk

and a tuna fish sandwich
at the corner drugstore?

Why, I'd be delighted.

And maybe we could have a drink
someplace afterwards.

Who knows?

The night is young,
we're middle-aged...

Anything can happen.
Shall we dance?

♪ You see
a pair of laughing eyes ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're sighing sighs ♪

♪ You're thinking
nothing's wrong ♪

♪ You string along, boy ♪

♪ Then snap! ♪

♪ Those eyes, those sighs ♪

♪ They're part of
the tender trap ♪

♪ You're hand-in-hand
beneath the trees ♪

♪ And soon there's music
in the breeze ♪

♪ You're acting kind of smart ♪

♪ Until your heart
just goes whap! ♪

♪ Those trees, that breeze ♪

♪ They're part of
the tender trap ♪

♪ Some starry night ♪

♪ When his kisses
make you tingle ♪

♪ He'll hold you tight ♪

♪ And you'll hate yourself
for being single ♪

♪ And all at once,
it seems so nice ♪

♪ The folks are throwing
shoes and rice ♪

♪ You hurry to a spot
that's just a dot on the map ♪

♪ You wonder how
it all came about ♪

♪ It's too late now,
there's no gettin' out ♪

♪ You fell in love,
and love is the tender trap ♪

All right!

Not bad for the first try.

I liked it. It had
a lot of schmaltz.

That's all, please.

That's all, everybody.

Tomorrow morning, 10:00 sharp!

Including miss Gillis.

What did you think
of it, Mr. reader?

Comme Ci, comme ca.

But you heard what
the director said.

He said it had
a lot of schmaltz.

That's surface schmaltz, Julie--

The worst kind.

You can't throw a song
like that away.

It's got to have more warmth.

Look, I'll show you what I mean.

♪♪♪♪

♪ You see a pair
of laughing eyes ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're sighing sighs ♪

♪ You're thinking
nothing's wrong ♪

♪ You string along, boy ♪

♪ Then snap! ♪

♪ Those eyes, those sighs ♪

♪ They're part of
the tender trap ♪

You see what I mean?

You just got to let it
settle a little bit.

♪ You're hand-in-hand
beneath the trees ♪

♪ And soon there's music
in the breeze ♪

♪ You're acting kind of smart ♪

♪ Until your heart
just goes whap! ♪

♪ Those trees, that breeze ♪

♪ They're part of
the tender trap ♪

♪ Some starry night ♪

♪ When her kisses
make you tingle ♪

♪ She'll hold you tight ♪

♪ And you'll hate yourself ♪

♪ For being single ♪

♪ And all at once,
it seems so nice ♪

♪ The folks are throwing
shoes and rice ♪

♪ You hurry to a spot
that's just a dot on the map ♪

♪ Voom voom voom voom ♪

♪ You wonder how
it all came about ♪

♪ It's too late now,
there's no gettin' out ♪

♪ You fell in love ♪

♪ And love is the tender trap ♪

Oh, gee, that was nice.

Well, I'm starved.
Let's go to dinner.

Together?

Of course. Come on.

♪ You see
a pair of laughing eyes ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're sighing sighs ♪

♪ You're thinking
nothing's wrong ♪

♪ You string along, boy ♪

♪ Then snap! ♪

♪ Those eyes, those sighs ♪

♪ They're part of
the tender trap ♪

Hello?

Oh, hello, poppy.

No, he hasn't come in yet.

Sure, I'll tell him.
I won't forget.

Bye.

Oh, hi, Joe.

Your entire harem called.

Good girls.

The last one was poppy.

Her uncle's whitefish
is in town.

Her uncle's what?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I remember.

Julie call?

No.

Well, she should
be here any minute.

Fix you a drink, Joe?

No, thank you.

Why do you have to
romance that little girl?

Oh, relax, will you, rover?

In the first place,
she's made of cast iron.

In the second place,
she's too young for you.

Third place,
you got more dames now

than you know what to do with.

And in the fourth place,

you have got a little
trouble yourself, boy.

I've been watching it develop.

The symptoms are classic--

Short temper, jangled nerves...

And you've been rude
to your friends

and your loved ones.

What you need, son,

is a little female
companionship.

Thank you very much, doctor.

It's nothing. Now, Joe,
don't sit around

by yourself again
tonight, will you?

As a matter of fact, I'm not.

Aha! You have a date.

Mm-hmm.

Who is she?
Anybody I know?

Yes. Sylvia.

Again?

Again.

Well, that's great,
Joe, just great.

Did she call you?

No, I called her.
Now, there's a switch.

Oh.

As a matter of fact,

I'm on my way to
pick her up now.

Forgive me for setting
a precedent.

As a matter of another fact,

I've got 2 dates
with Sylvia tonight--

One for dinner

and one for after her concert.

Good night, sultan.

Hiya, honey.

Hi, Charlie.

Hey.

Aw, wait a minute.

You can do better than that.

Yes, I can.

Oh, hello, Helen.

Hello, Charlie.

Uh, how did Joe behave today?

Like an angel.

Like a...

Will you please tell me
who that girl is?

Be good, Joe.

So long, Charlie.
See you tomorrow.

Yeah, uh...
Yeah, so long, Helen.

Thanks a lot.

Well... Just who is
miss deadpan?

Oh, uh... She's a...

She's a professional dog Walker.

Yeah, that's what she is.

She walks the dog every day.

I never heard of a
professional dog Walker.

And why does she have
to be so attractive?

I... I never noticed that she
was particularly attractive.

What's the matter, Julie?

Gee whiz, you came in here

with a chip on your shoulder.

Well...

Well, I'm getting
sick and tired of it.

Charlie, I haven't
complained before,

but do you think I like it?

Like what?

Look, I know this is
the atomic age,

and we're 2 civilized adults--

You made that clear.

But a girl still doesn't like

to call for a man
at his apartment

or meet him at a bar...

Especially when the whole
evening has been planned

without any consultation.

Consultation?

That's right.

Every date we've had

has been all figured out by you.

You've never asked
me once--not once--

What I wanted to do.

Oh, well, honey, I'm sorry.

Honest, I'm sorry, baby.

You should've
mentioned it to me.

Look, from here on in,
there'll be a change.

What do you want to do tonight?

Well, I...
I don't know.

We've got the whole town.
Just name something.

Gee, I don't know...
What do you want?

Oh, no.
No, no, not I.

This is your evening.

Oh.

Well...

Just take your time.
Just think about it.

Of course, I could...

I could make a tiny suggestion.

Yes?

Well, there's
a wonderful restaurant

down on bank street

where they serve
the world's greatest

paella valenciana.

Yeah?

And then after that,

we could go up the street
a few blocks

where there's a little
Mexican joint

I haven't been to
in a long time.

They got a crazy
5-piece rumba band,

the best you've ever danced to.

Then we could pad
right across the street--

That is, if you wanted to--

To a lovely little cafe
where they serve up

the best coffee and guitar music

in the whole city.

Charlie?

Hmm?

Next time I tell you I
want to plan an evening,

just don't listen.

All right, I won't.

Because you know more
about how to please a lady

than any other man
on the eastern seaboard.

Thank you.

And there's no other lady
I would rather please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, if you'll give me
a few seconds,

I'll go in and change,
and we'll be on our way.

Swell. In the meantime,
I'll just read your mail.

Swell.

Uh, Julie...

Julie...

What's the matter?

Nothing. You're just...
So cute, that's all.

Well, so are you.

I'm glad you think so.

Now, as long as we're going
to a Spanish joint,

why don't we tango
right to the door?

I'm with you.

Ain't this joint the most?

I think it's dull.

Oh. Well, we could
traipse across the street

to another joint.

No, thanks. I've had
enough entertainment

for one evening.

Well, I can't take you home now.

What would your mother say?

I don't know. Mom's in
Boston visiting my aunt.

Oh? Is she going
to be there long?

I don't think she'll be
back till tomorrow night.

And your father...
I guess he's home, huh?

Papa goes where mama goes,

and papa won't be home
till Monday night.

Well. You know,

this joint is a little dull.

How could you
suggest it, anyway?

Me?!

Watch it.
Stand back, Buddy.

Here. Move out.
Thank you very much.

Excuse me. Bye.

I like this idea.

I don't know who
I'm fonder of...

You or that aunt of yours
up in Boston.

Charlie, I think
you'd better go.

Why?

Because I'm
a well-brought-up girl,

and that's the remark

my parents would
expect me to make.

Of course, you could
prolong things

by asking for a nightcap.

Miss Gillis, may I have
a slug of scotch?

Certainly, but
it'll take a minute

because mom's a teetotaler,

and pop hides the stuff
in my hatboxes.

Is water all right?

Yeah, fine.

Say, these the folks?

Uh-huh.

Hmm. They look evenly matched.

Except perhaps I think mom
may have 40 pounds on him.

I know what you're thinking.

Let me ask you something. Here.

Has your dad got his hair?

Oh, a wisp here and there.

All right, we'll make a pact.

You won't get bald,
and I won't get fat.

I'll drink to that.

Now, what's on the agenda?

Hmm.

Let's neck.

What a sound idea.

Mmm.

Mmm.

You know, I've been meaning
to tell you something for days.

Hmm?

You are the softest girl.

Tell me more.

I'd be delighted.

One second.

Why did you do that?

Well, because some words

take on a different
meaning in the dark.

Ohh.

Mmm.

Charlie.

Mm-hmm?

You're not talking.
You're nibbling.

I'm afraid your idea of necking

and my idea of necking

are a little far apart.

So?

So in the meantime

we'll just sit quietly and...

And what?

And, uh, and look at television.

Oh, goody.

And perhaps later

we can go out in the kitchen
and make some fudge.

Remember this 6-cylinder,

4-door, white-walled, dynothamic
convertible, only 1,790.

1790? Was that
a good year for cars?

Shh.

And now back to our movie.

I'll see you again
in a few minutes

with another fantastic offer.

Ahem.

Oh, maybe watching television

wasn't such a good idea.

No, it's not a good idea at all.

No, I think I better forget
about that whole thing.

Uh... Are you interested in art?

Well, I could pretend to be.

That's good,

because daddy bought me

the loveliest book
for Christmas.

It's just full of
wonderful reproductions

of renaissance masterpieces.

This is more than I'd hoped for.

Now, before you scoff,

just take a look
at some of these.

A Corot. Isn't
the detail amazing?

Mm-hmm.

Michelangelo's Jeremiah.

How are you, Myer?

You're impossible.

Say, do you suppose
her folks are out of town?

Honestly.

Wait, wait, hold it.
Just one second.

I want to drink in
all this amazing detail.

Ohh.

Charlie.

Julie.

Julie.

No, no, Charlie.

Oh, darling, there's
no use trying to fight it.

Everything is
conspiring against us--

Science and the arts
and the animal kingdom.

Charlie, you mustn't let
them give you any ideas.

I swear to you it's my own idea.

But, Charlie, they're
the happiest married couple

in the neighborhood.
They're entitled--

Mmm.

What did I say?
I didn't say anything.

Charlie, how many girls
are there in your life?

What?

I said, how many
other girls are there

in your life?

Oh...

Carol and...

Jane and...

That's about it.

Poppy, Jessica,

miss Snr, Helen.

What about them?

Oh, well, they're
second stringers.

They practically
never get in the game.

Ha ha ha!

You're not funny.

How many are there?

Oh, now, baby, you know better

than to ask that kind
of a question.

I'm sorry.

This is a new game to me.

I don't know the rules.

Julie, relax!

How many?

Sweetie, it's a beautiful night,

and your folks are up in Boston,

and there's nobody
in the whole wide world

except you and me.

And tomorrow?

Tomorrow, same thing.

We could go riding or--

And Monday?

What do you want?
A contract?

No. All I want is
a straight answer

to a straight question.

How many other girls
are there in your life?

496.

There used to be 497,

until one of them
started asking questions

that were none
of her darn business.

Thank you.

You are welcome.

Well, why don't you cry now?

Doesn't that come next?

First the silly questions

and then the silly answers

and then the tears.

Go on! Do the whole bit!

You listen to me.

Will you listen to me?

Listen to me,
god's gift to women!

And listen good!

From now on

you're going to call
for me at my house.

You're going to ask me

how I want to spend the evening,

and you're going
to meet my folks

and be polite to them,

and you're going to bring me

candy and flowers!

Candy?

And you're going
to drop every one

of those other girls.
All 496 of them!

Now, why would I want
to do a thing like that?

Because I love you.

Because you what?

That's right.

Because I love you.

You think that's such
a wonderful thing?

Being in love with you?

I never wanted to.
I don't want to now.

You're selfish, you're arrogant,

you're spoiled.

You're much too old for me.

Now see here!

Too old, I said!
Too old!

Too selfish, too arrogant,

too spoiled!

Oh, lord knows why I love you,

but I do,

and that's why
there's going to be

some changes made right now.

Now, listen--

You listen!

You're very big
with your terrace

and your fancy nightclubs

and your professional
dog walkers,

but let me tell you something--

You've got a lot
to learn about women!

Me?

Yes, you.

And I'm going to try
to straighten you out

if it's not too late.

I'm going to try to
make a man out of you...

Because that's what
I want to marry--a man!

Marry?!

Who--who asked you?

Well!

What's this all about?

If you don't intend to marry me,

say so now because
that's what I want!

Not a terrace,

not Pallala Valezzio,
whatever you call it.

Just a plain old marriage.

And a house and kids

and a life
that makes some sense.

Are you all through now?

Yes.

I take it, then,
this is an ultimatum.

Yes.

And you want me to marry you,

but first you want me to reform

and mend my ways.

Yes.

All right.

Now let a selfish,

spoiled, arrogant old man

tell you a couple of things.

Before you propose to a man,

wait until he shows you

at least a little indication

that he's interested.

Also, do not start

by telling him he is
a decrepit old louse.

So much for generalities.

Now let us get down to cases.

I have never said

that I wanted to marry you,

nor am I moved
to do so right now.

Assuming I did
want to get married,

I know a girl who
comes a lot closer

to my idea of being
a wife than you do!

Humph!

In fact there are
many, many girls!

Why, she...

This is my apartment!
You get out!

This is my apartment.

You get out. Tch!

Ok, what happened?

If she thinks I'm
going to sit around here

and wait for her to phone
me and apologize to me,

she's sadly mistaken, boy.

You and miss stonewall
Jackson have words?

You're still on your feet.

It must have been
a technical K.O.

Oh, shut up.

Get that, will ya?

Still the shank of
the evening anyway.

Candy and flowers! Tch!

Any number of girls
who will have me.

Just as I am, too.

It's Helen.

All right, what happened?

She--Helen? Helen!

Helen!

Oh, hello, Charlie.

I just wanted to tell
you how much I appreciate

you walking Joe every day.

Oh, it's nothing, Charlie.

I thought it would be
a nice idea if tonight

you and I went out and
had a big fat dinner.

I'm sorry, Charlie, I can't.

Well, why not?

Well, you see, it's
really Joey's fault.

Well, 2 weeks ago last Monday,

Joey met a lovely poodle

on the corner of 57th
and second Avenue

named Florence.

Florence has a lovely owner

named Peter Carruthers.

Well, as Joey got to
know Florence better,

I got to know Pete
better and, well,

last night we decided
to get married.

Married?

When?

Wednesday.

Wednesday. Oh, well,

you can still go out
with me tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie, I can't.

But I'll be eternally grateful

to you and Joey.

Oh, course, after Wednesday,

you'll have to walk him
by yourself.

Bye.

What's so funny?

Do you realize this poor girl

is going to marry
a poodle owner?

Poodle owners make
terrible husbands.

Won't catch me
sitting around here

by myself tonight.
Not this kid. No, sir.

Any number of girls...

Western union.

I'd like to send a telegram.

Saks fifth Avenue, New York.

When a man comes in
and pays $15 for a tie,

is it too much to expect

the stinking tie to tie?

$15 for this tie!

I used to buy a suit for $15!

Not you. You're in no condition

to answer anything.

Ah, I don't know
why I don't wear

bow ties anyway.

Oh, hi, poppy.

Joe.

Poppy!
Poppy, you doll!

How did you know
that in all the world

the only person I wanted
to see was beautiful you?

Darling, look out, oh, look out.

Oh, a present for me!
You shouldn't have done it.

I had to.

Nonsense.
All you had to do

was bring
your little old sweet...

Self.

What the heck is it?

Well, Charlie,

you know how small
my refrigerator is.

I can't freeze it in there.

Well, look at
your refrigerator--

9 cubic feet and 4 Pearl onions.

Oh, this is your
uncle's whitefish.

No, Charlie,
it's your whitefish.

Oh, well, I'm
delighted to have it,

and, well, you're
a doll to bring it,

and I'll take
very good care of it.

There's something I'd
like to ask you, poppy.

Uh...

You are, are you not,

the girl who loves
Paella Valenciana

better than anything
else in the world?

That's me, I'm the girl.

And you are, are you not,

the girl who always
shouts "ole!"

Whenever you hear guitar music?

I'm the girl that does it. Ole!

Then you must be the girl

who's going with me
right now downtown

to hear some Spanish music

and eat some Spanish food, yes?

No.

No?

Well, why not?

Because I have a date
with somebody else.

He's waiting downstairs.

Oh? And is he going
to take you downtown

and buy you espadrille

and feed you Paella Valenciana?

No, he is going to take me
to radio city music hall

and afterwards, if it's
not too late, schrafft's.

What's your problem?

Get rid of the square,
and we'll go.

But he is going
to call me tomorrow.

Oh?

Well, does that make him
some sort of a hero?

It's polite, Charlie.
It's gentlemanly.

Are you calling me a louse?

Oh, certainly not.

I wouldn't dream of
calling you a louse.

A stinker?

A stinker. That's it.

Thanks a lot.

Por nada.

Well, then,
I guess it's good-bye.

Why?

After what you just called me--

A stinker?

But, sweetie,

I never thought you
were anything else.

Now, you take good care
of that whitefish. Bye.

What are you doing tonight?

What's so amusing?

Retribution, Charles.

Comeuppance.

You're being paid back...

For all the phone calls
you promised to return

and didn't,

for all the cheeses
you didn't eat,

for all the girls
you fondled and forgot...

You're being paid back.

And all in one day.

That's the beauty of it.

What's eating you, Joe?

I'm your best friend,

and I tell you you're a louse.

You're one of the few really
indecent men I ever met.

Go ahead.
Punch me in the nose.

Why should I?
You'd punch back.

Beside, how indecent can I be

if a girl like Sylvia thinks--

Sylvia!

You don't have to call Sylvia.

She'll be here in a few minutes.

She's coming to pick me up.

She said it would be nostalgic.

Now, look, Joe,

I'm a pretty broad-minded fella.

To put it mildly.

And I'm not stuffy
or anything like that,

but I don't want you
to see Sylvia again.

Why not?

Because you are a married man,

that's why.

And Sylvia's a girl who--

Well, she's got marriage
on her mind. Have you?

Have you?

No, but I'm in a position
to. You're not.

You got a wife and 3 kids.

Now, you keep away from Sylvia.

Listen, you jerk,

you want me to keep away
from Sylvia?

Then do just one thing.
Marry her!

Marry her?
Yes!

This is a lady.

A first-class, triple-distilled,

"a" number-one lady.

This isn't a trophy you
hang in your game room.

This is a girl you marry!

Why don't you lay off me?

All you married guys are alike!

Just because you're hooked,

you want everybody
else to be hooked.

Well, that's your
problem, buster!

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Look, I'm sorry.
I know we haven't met,

but it's just that
I've seen you someplace.

Well, it's this face of mine.

It's what everybody's
wearing this season.

Hi.

Hi.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Well, look...

I haven't known you long,
but I know you pretty well.

What is it?

Charlie and I have
been at each other.

Oh? What about?

About you.

Really?
I'm flattered.

He thinks I shouldn't
go out with you.

This from a man

who hasn't even
called you in 2 weeks.

Oh, that's just Charlie's way.

I don't get it.

Anything this guy does
is ok with you.

Why do you let him
shove you around?

You're a beautiful woman.

You're talented.
You're intelligent.

You're everything
a man dreams about.

Why do you stand for it?

Oh, Joe.

Dear Joe.

How can I tell you?

We come to this town

from Springfield and des moines

and fort worth
and salt lake city.

We're young, we're pretty,

and we're talented.

All we have to do to
get married is stay home,

but the boys back home
don't have what we want.

We got our eyes
on something else--

A career, glamour, excitement.

And this is the place
to find it.

So we come to New York,
and we do pretty well.

Not great, but pretty well.

We make a career.

We find the excitement
and the glamour.

We go to first nights.
We buy little mink stoles.

Headwaiters call us by name.

It's fun.
It's wonderful.

Till one fine day we look around

and we're 33 years old,
and we haven't got a man.

Oh, surely you can--

Mm-mmm.

Joe, do you have any idea

what's available
to a woman of 33?

Married men,

drunks,

pretty boys looking for
someone to support them,

lunatics looking for
their fifth divorce.

Quite a list, isn't it?

So we set our cap for Charlie.

He's eligible.
He's attractive.

He's employed
and reasonably sane.

But you don't love him, do you?

How did the word love

ever creep into
this conversation?

Sylvia, there are worse
things for a girl

than not getting married.

Name three.

Honey, I can't let you
throw yourself away.

Do you have any
other ideas, Joe?

Sylvia, I'm...

So here we are.

Salaam, sultan.

Sylvia, darling.

What's the matter?

I'm blind, and I'm stupid.

Joe, you were absolutely right.

You've opened my eyes.

I know what I have to do.

Charlie, what's wrong?

Here you are, a first-class,

"a" number-one,
triple-distilled lady.

What better thing in the world

could happen to me?

What better favor
could I do for myself?

Oh, what is it?

Sylvia...

M-m-marry me.

Well, you will, won't you?

I will.

Good, that's settled.

Why are you crying?

Don't be alarmed.

Just standard
operational procedure.

Yes, sir, this is
the smartest thing

I've ever done in my life,

and you darn well know it.

Mm-hmm.

What kind of a happy
occasion is this?

She stands up there
weeping bitter tears,

and you stand here
grunting at me.

Where are all the shoes and rice

and the Roman candles?

Charlie, I want to wish you

all the best luck in the world.

Well, you should.
This was your idea.

You all right?
No more crying?

If you think that was crying,

wait till you catch me
at the wedding.

Yeah, I may be doing
a good deal of that myself.

Well, this is a jolly occasion.

Yeah, there's much
too much gloom here.

Let's get blind!

Little large, isn't it?

Live a little bit.

How many times in your life
do you get engaged?

Uh-uh.

This isn't my party.
I'll pour my own.

Party! That's what we need!

We'll have the wing-dingingest
party anybody ever saw.

Party?

Yeah, and we'll start
by calling the dunstocks.

Wonderful people, the dunstocks.

She happens to be
a little stuffy,

but he--well, I guess
he is a little, too.

Hello, Harry?
How are you, old pirate?

This is Charlie reader.

Yeah, I know,
but I've been busy.

Listen, grab
that little wife of yours

and slip her
into something seductive

and get right over here.

Yep, we're going to have
the biggest brawl you ever saw.

Oh? Well, bring them along.
We'll feed them.

I don't care how many. 8?

Bring them over.
That-a boy! Bye.

Well, we got a start.

You better get some
more Pearl onions.

Now, let me see,
who else should we ask?

How about Danny Fitzpatrick,
honey?

Is he in or out of the clink?

In.

Oh, that's a shame.
He plays great piano.

You haven't got a piano.

That wouldn't stop Danny.

We got to get some musicians.

They're more fun
than earth people.

Sol Steiner?

You're a genius.

And one thing about sol

is you always know
where to reach him,

and if he's not there,
he's just not in town.

Curly's bar?
Hey, is sol Steiner there?

Yeah, I'll wait.

Sol's taking a cure.

He's trying
to get back on liquor.

Sol, old man!
Was machst Du?

Hey, how would you like
to come up

and have some free drinks?
My place.

I'm getting engaged, that's why.

To Sylvia, who else?

Listen, can you get in touch
with Eddie and Louise?

I know they're with you,

but can you
get in touch with them?

Yeah, bring them along.

What?

Honey, Fitzpatrick is out.

There goes the lease.

Yeah, bring them along, too.

That-a boy. Bye.

What? Who is this?!

This is Charlie reader,
you idiot. Hurry up.

If I know curly's,
everybody in the joint

will make a left turn and
follow sol right up here.

Get me a glass, will you, Joe?

Hiya, honey.

I just thought I'd bring up
this little old cheese.

I called you about it. Oh.

Jessica, this is my fiancee.

Miss Collins, miss Crewes.

How do you do?

Your what?

My fiancee.

You mean you're engaged?

Yes.

To be married?

Yes.

A wedding present.

Thank you.

Uh, we're going to have
a wing-a-ding-ding brawl

here tonight, and you're
cordially invited.

Thank you, Charlie,

but I got a date with some of
the girls for dinner.

Girls. Why don't you
bring the girls with you?

No.

We're all going to have
laughs and all get blind.

Well, on second thought, yes...

Tiiiigerrr.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Ahem.

Friend of yours, honey?

No. Listen,
we better get some food

as long as we're
going to have a party,

don't you think?

With 34 people
coming for dinner?

What for?

I'll go get some things.

Yeah, that's it.

You go on up to
the delicatessen,

and Joe and I'll stay here

and get the bottles open.

Get some of the fancy stuff

like caviar and sturgeon and
Turkey and all that jazz.

And here.
Will $1.00 be enough?

I'll be back in about an hour.

I'll count the minutes.

Tiiiigerrr!

Oh, gosh, we'll never
have enough stuff

for all those hoods.

I better go get some.

You want to go with me, Joe?

No!

Ok, ok, cupid, I'll go myself.

Oh, I love you so much.

Oh, I love you, too.

I was just coming up
to tell you I love you.

And I was just coming to
tell you so, too, darling.

Oh, baby, you were so right.

I need changing,
I need reforming.

No, no. I like you just
like you are almost.

I'm the one who has to change.

I'm too stubborn,
too headstrong,

too--

And why is the meter
still running?!

I've arrived at my destination!

Too willful, too unyielding.

From now on, we'll compromise.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, Charlie, darling,
pay the driver

and let's go upstairs.

We have so much to talk about.

All right, I will.

No, no, no.

You have an early rehearsal
tomorrow morning,

and I'm emotionally exhausted,

and I'm going right up
to flop right in bed.

And aren't you?

I'll call you the first
thing in the morning.

Charlie!

I love you.

Oh, I love you, too.
Bye, sleep tight.

Bye.

Go.

Congratulations, Mr. reader.

I understand you're
engaged to a lovely girl.

2 lovely girls!

Whatever gave you the idea

that sue dunstock was stuffy?

I can't think of many girls

that would let Danny Fitzpatrick

give them a crew haircut.

Who was the girl
in the Turkish shoes?

Because I think
I'm engaged to her.

Sol Steiner!

Man, I thought you'd
never get here.

You all right?

Crazy, daddy-o!

Crazy party.

Crazy.

Where's Sylvia?

Home.

What do you mean, home?

H-o-m-e. Home.
Her place.

I don't dig.

She's engaged to
Charlie, ain't she?

Yep.

And she still goes home?

Without cleaning up?

Man, he must be crazy

to let that chick go home.

And I don't mean
crazy like cool.

I'm with you.

She is the most!

The end.

What band are you with?

I'm with the Indiana
pharmaceutical company.

What's the matter, man?
Lose your lip?

You really let
that Sylvia go home?

Oh, hello, sol.
Yeah.

Well, you shouldn't have.
This is a real gone doll.

How'd she ever get on
that Beethoven kick?

I don't know.
Haven't you got

a rehearsal or something
this morning?

Oh, yeah, longines symphonette.

For that you got to be on time.

They all got watches.

Ha ha ha ha!

Want one for the road?

Yeah, thanks.

Ha ha ha!

Joe...

I, uh...

There's something
I have to tell you, Joe.

Yeah, well, I got something
to tell you, too.

Hello, Joe.

Hi.

Hi, Julie.

What's wrong?

I've been trying to get you
on the phone for 3 hours.

Oh, have you?

Well, it hasn't
rung, has it, Joe?

No, no.

I called 20 times.

Well, it must be something wrong

with the phone.

Danny Fitzpatrick.

What's been going on here?

Aren't you due
at rehearsal now, dear?

What went on here last night?

Joe, mocking:
Yeah, Charlie,

what went on here last night?

Uh, not a thing.
Nothing.

Wouldn't you like
a cup of coffee?

Hello, darling.

Hi, Sylvia.

Hey! Ha ha ha!

Well, how are yooooou?

Hi, Joe.

Hi.

What's the matter
with your phone?

I've been trying to
call you all morning.

Danny Fitzpatrick.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

Sylvia, you know Julie,
don't you?

Oh, yes. Hello.

Honey.

What brings you here so bright
and early this morning?

Did you by any chance
find a diamond earring

around here someplace
this morning?

And please say yes.

Diamond earring?

No.

Oh, that's terrible.

Sue dunstock's going
out of her mind.

She couldn't reach you
this morning,

so she started
calling me at 7:00.

And Harry screaming
at her the whole time.

It isn't enough

you let that idiot
shave your head?

You had to let him steal
your diamond earring, too?

Ha ha ha!

Must have been
some party last night.

Oh, the greatest.

I haven't played run,
sheep, run in years.

What was it?
An occasion of some kind?

Indeed it was.

What kind of an occasion?

A happy occasion.

Ah. Hey, we better
look for the earring.

What do you mean,
a happy occasion?

What is this, miss Gillis?

The third degree?

I have a right to know.

What right?

The right of a fiancee.

Charlie and I became
engaged last night.

What?!

I can't seem to find
the earring back here.

You see, my child,

shortly after Charlie
proposed to you last night,

he threw a whacking big party

to announce his engagement.

His engagement to Sylvia,

that is, not to you.

Perhaps he's planning
on another party

for your engagement later.

Charlie!

Is that true?

Yes.

It's true.

You were engaged all the time
you were kissing me,

telling me you loved me?

You were engaged
to somebody else?

Yes.

No, I mean, no.
I was, and I wasn't.

Yes and no!
Was and wasn't!

Of all the contemptible--

You are the worst--

I never want to see you again!

Oh, you're a terrible,
terrible man!

Julie!

I found your shoes.

Oh. Where were they?

The icebox.

Oh, yeah.

This has been all in all

a memorable day.

If my luck holds out,

I should get hit by
a truck on the way home.

I couldn't sleep
a wink last night.

Really?

Yeah, I kept thinking that--

Well, thinking that...

I was struggling with myself.

Who won?

3 things kept me up.

First, I couldn't
let you marry Charlie.

Well, that's taken care of.

Two?

You remember yesterday
when I told you

you shouldn't marry Charlie?

You asked me if
I had any other ideas?

Yeah.

Well, I have.

I love you, Sylvia.

I think I've loved you

from the first moment I saw you.

I want you to marry me.

What was the third thing
that kept you up?

How to tell Ethel.

I've got to write her
a long letter.

Wouldn't it be more manly

to tell her face-to-face?

That would be too manly.

Well, there's always
the telephone.

Right now?

What better time?

Sunday. Night rates
apply all day.

Are you laughing at me?

No. Not at all.

All right. All right,
I'll call her right now.

Ohh.

We forgot.

Danny Fitzpatrick cut it.

What about the drugstore
on the corner?

Nothing but phones.

If you haven't got
enough quarters,

you can always
reverse the charges.

Well, yeah, but, uh...

What's the matter, Joe?

You want to marry me

but not enough to take
that walk to the drugstore?

Oh, it isn't that.

But a thing like this,
right out of the blue.

I don't want to shock Ethel.

You see, Ethel
thinks I love her.

But you do.

Joe...

Darling.

Shall I tell you something?

You think you love me

because I'm so much like Ethel.

You? Like Ethel?

I want wall-to-wall carpeting

and French provincial furniture

and a house full of kids

all with good straight teeth.

What did you think?

Moonbeams, candlelight suppers,

cloud number 7?

Joe, you know what you've got?

You've got
the married man's dream.

You want a girl.

That's what you all
want. A girl.

And that's what
you can never have

because the only way
to have a girl

is not to marry her...

Because then she becomes a wife.

That's something
entirely different.

No, Sylvia, you'd be different.

Joe, ask me one more question.

Ask me if I love you.

I like you, Joe.
I like you very much.

But I don't love you.

On behalf of the visiting
fireman from Indiana,

I thank you.

She slammed the taxi
door on my hand.

Well, I guess it's
your turn now, Sylvia.

Well, Charlie...

There are some girls
who might say

that ours was not

the most romantic
engagement on record.

There are some girls
who might even say

that our entire courtship

left something to be desired.

As a matter of fact,
I'm one of those girls.

What can I say, Sylvia?

To say I'm sorry

would just merely be
adding insult to injury.

So what can I say?

That I'm the heel of all time?

Well, it might make
you happy to know

that right now

I'm the unhappiest
heel of all time.

I know you are, Charlie,
and I'm sorry, not happy.

Sylvia, you're probably
the most wonderful woman

on this earth
or any other earth.

I agree.

It's just my tough luck

that I didn't
fall in love with you

and marry you... And
let you make me happy.

I had to fall
in love with Julie.

I love her.

She's nuts, but I love her.

Then don't you settle
for anyone but Julie.

Don't you be satisfied
with second best.

I know one thing.

There'll be no second
best for me anymore.

I'm going to find me an
honest-to-goodness guy

who's looking for

an honest-to-goodness girl.

Somewhere in this great city

there must be one.

Oh, thank you for
a lovely engagement.

Oh, I'm sorry to bust in,

but I think this belongs to you.

Someone threw it up
to my terrace last night.

Look, whoever you are,

I got enough trouble as it is.

No, I'm not angry.
I'd just like to suggest

that the next time you throw
a party, you invite me.

I love brawls.

Hello.

Well, you boys won't have to

go out to dinner tonight.

Bye, Charlie.

So long, fireman.

So long, Sylvia.

Thanks.

Where the blazes
were you 12 years ago?

Excuse me.

I, uh, guess you can't expect

too much service on Sunday.

Don't you play on NBC?

Yes.

That's where
I remember you from.

I never miss a telecast.

You mean you recognized
me from the telecast?

Uh-huh.
Violin section.

But they only cut to us

maybe 3 or 4 times
during a program.

You forget you're the only
woman in the section.

Oh.

And a most decorative one, too,

if I may say so.

Thank you.

I see no reason
why you shouldn't.

Tell me, the next concert's
on Wednesday, isn't it?

Yes.

I think this time I'm
going to buy a ticket.

Uh, do you know the question
about bearded people?

I mean, do they sleep with it
under or over the covers?

Well, I've often wondered
about musicians.

Do they eat before
or after a concert?

Because I was wondering

if after the concert on
Wednesday you'd come...

Where you going?

Home.

Indianapolis,
gateway to the west.

Leave me here alone?

Alone?

In the morning
your phone will be fixed.

By sunset, you'll be
knee-deep in whitefish

and rare Wisconsin cheeses.

I don't want whitefish.

I don't want rare
Wisconsin cheeses.

Nor do I want poppy
or Jessica or miss Snr.

I just want Julie.

Do you know my idea
of heaven now, Joe?

What?

To be so much
in love with a girl

and have her love you so much

that you wouldn't think
of taking a vacation

from each other for 11 years.

11 years!

I got a dog in there

who's got the straightest teeth.

Doesn't need any wiring.

They don't even need brushing.

Would you swap that
for your kids, Joe?

No. Not unless you threw in
fort Knox or something.

Well, you know what I mean.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

Well...
I better rush

if I'm going to catch the 3:00.

Couldn't you at least stay
and have dinner with me?

I'd like to,

but I--that wouldn't
get me in till 1:00.

I don't want Ethel driving

out to the airport at that hour.

She wouldn't have to.
You could take a cab.

Yeah, but she likes
picking me up.

Come to think of it,
I like being picked up.

Yeah, I guess you
better make the 3:00.

So long, sport.

Thanks for everything.

Good-bye, Joe.

Give my love to the family.

Ok.

You write now, you hear?

How long you figure it'll be
till I see you again, Joe?

Oh, about 11 years.

So long, pal.

Forgot Ethel and the kids.

Pierre hotel, quick as you can.

I'm late for a wedding.

Ok.

Drop this luggage

at 600 east 57th street,
will you?

Fine.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Julie, will you marry me?

Why?

Well, because I love you.

Oh?

Yes. I love you.

And...

Well, tomorrow morning

you could pick me up
at the apartment--

I could what?

And we could go down
to the license bureau.

That is, I mean,
I'll pick you up,

and we could go
to the license bureau

and be married and
then have a baby and...

And have another baby
in the country.

Oh, Julie.

♪ You see a pair
of laughing eyes ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're sighing sighs ♪

♪ You're thinking
nothing's wrong ♪

♪ You string along, boy,
then snap! ♪

♪ Va-voom voom voom voom voom ♪

♪ You wonder
how it all came about ♪

♪ It's too late now,
there's no getting out ♪

♪ You fell in love ♪

♪ And love is the tender trap ♪