All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S08E19.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Back in the '80s,
it felt like I grew up
at school.

From crashing assemblies
to crushing school dances,

I found lots of ways
to leave my mark.

But that didn't matter now
that I was an upperclassman,

'cause nothing
cemented your legacy

quite like your senior prank.

Fellow seniors,

throw out
your prank suggestions.

No bad ideas.

We all come to school
wearing turtlenecks.

There are bad ideas.

What if, at lunch,
we grill a ton of hot dogs

and just give them
to whoever wants them?

That's not a prank, okay?

That's a minor league
baseball promotion.

We could do something to
the William Penn statue.

No!

This statue is off-limits
to all pranks.

William Penn
is my personal hero.

Wasn't he expelled
from Oxford
and jailed a bunch?

Don't believe everything
you read in our textbooks,
Goldberg.

And keep your mitts off him.

I mean, we gotta hit
that statue now.

Ball basically
just told us to.

What if we just dressed him up
in an embarrassing outfit?

Adam, you have tons of
shameful costumes, right?

Normally,
I'd jump at the chance

to show off my collection
of screen-worn memorabilia,

but Principal Ball
made it pretty clear,

that statue's a big no-no.

Dude, this is
our senior prank.

It's our last chance.

Once we're adults,
pranks are called crimes.

Adam, don't you have
that furry Alf costume?

You mean
my Bigfoot costume?

Is that
what that was?

It seemed...
Never mind.

If we pull this off,
we'll be total rock stars.

That's it!

What about avant garde
singer-showman David Bowie?

It's perfect!

We can put him in
a flamboyant
spaceman jumpsuit

and paint
a lightning bolt
on his face.

But whatever we do,
don't tell anyone, okay?

If we get caught,
we could get suspended.

Oh, no.
I didn't want
to get suspended.

But I couldn't
let my friends down.

Poopsie-pie.

Your slumping frame
wouldn't have
anything to do

with the senior prank,
would it?

Principal Ball
told the faculty
to be on high alert.

No.

Maybe.

I'm so conflicted, Mama.

Ohh. You can share
anything with me.

Secrets. Soup.

Vows we write to each other
and then exchange

in an intimate ceremony
between family and friends.

I guess I'm okay
with the soup.

But my friends
asked me to desecrate
the William Penn statue.

If I get caught,
NYU will never let me in.

Now, as Quaker Warden,
I'll put a stop to it.

But no one can know
it was me.

Mama is always discreet.

And if you still want to
make your mark,

I have the perfect idea...

A mother-son prank. Mm!

How about
a mother-son quietly go
their separate ways?

Yes, you're in.

You'll go up
at assembly and say,

"My mama was the best part
about high school,"

and then I'll go up
and give you kissies!

That's not a prank.

That's just me
committing social suicide.

Ohh, son.

** I'm twisted up inside

** But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

** I don't know the future

** But the past keeps getting
clearer every day **

It was April 28th,
1980-something,

and Erica was trying to
distract herself

from her breakup with Geoff.

Until this happened.

Geoff.
Hey, you.

Heyy... Back at ya.

I'm sorry. It's...

It's weird I'm here.

Sure, we have
a rich romantic history,

but stuff happens,

and then
it stops happening.

As you know, today
would have been
our fifth anniversary.

I guess it would.
Five's a big one.

Was a big one, I mean.

Not for me, though, because
I celebrate the small ones,

like three, six,
seventeen, and...

Okay, you talk again.

We had that dinner
at Le Bec Fin planned,

and I figured since
we already paid
and it's non-refundable

that maybe...

Maybe...

Maybe you could
give this to Barry?

Barry! Oh! Psh!

That's why you're here!
That makes sense.

I mean,
passing my little bro
our special night.

I'm just gonna go.

Schmoodle, are you okay?

I'm not okay.

Bring it in.

Make Mama's sweater
sparkle with your tears.

He said to
give it to Barry,

but I'm not gonna
give it to Barry.

I'm gonna start a fire and
I'm gonna put it in the fire

and then I'm gonna jump
into the fire!

Okay, Murray, I need a box of
tissues, fashion magazines,

and a block of chocolate
big enough to dance on.

My baby needs her mama!

I got a better idea.

I'll handle it.

Up-bup. Handle what?

Oh, the blubbering one.

No offense, Murray, but when
Barry had a broken heart,

you told him to zip it
or take it outside.

That's because
She's the Sheriff was on.
This is different.

I don't know.

Wait till she hears
what I have in store for her.

She's gonna love it!

It's Daddy Daughter Day!

It was a classic move.

Back in the day, my dad took
my sister to this very rink

for some quality
father-daughter bonding.

But I haven't
been here in years,

and I was so young
and stupid,

and I think you might be
wearing the same shirt.

Come on. It'll melt
all your troubles away.

Besides, I didn't eat salt
this morning

so my skates would fit.

One lap.
Let's do it.

While my dad
and sister got on wheels,

my mom was helping me
hit the brakes on my prank.

You sure you were discreet?

Don't worry, Schmoo.

I sent Principal Ball
a memo

made with cut-up words
out of magazine,

like a ransom note.

I should have been
a kidnapper.

If it makes you feel
any better,

you did steal
most of my childhood.

It does. Ta!

Better luck next time,
seniors.

I just got a hot tip
from an anonymous oddball

that Billy P here
is about to be pranked,

so he will be locked away
till graduation.

Point, Ball.

Holy crap!
It worked!
What worked?

Don't be mad?
Everybody inside!

It's happening!

♪**♪

Whoever pulled
this one off,

best prank
in years.

That means a lot
coming from the teacher

who rides a motorcycle

despite all the safety data.

If the devil wants to take me,
he's got to catch me first.

What an amazing
life lesson
to tell children.

You guys did this
without me?

Look, we love that
you're a sweet, nice boy,

which is why we kind of
counted on you
to blab to your mom.

And that got Principal Ball
fixated on the statue outside

so we could get
these sweet beasts inside.

Did you know donkeys have
phenomenal memories

and a logical, flexible
approach to problem-solving?

Thanks, Jack Hanna.

But I kind of am focusing on
the fact that you used me.

If anything, you were
the most important part.

Right after securing
and transporting
two donkeys in secrecy.

The burros are making love
in the computer lab.

Damn it!

It's such a good prank.

As my friends
had made an ass of me,

my dad was trying
not to fall on his.

See? We're doing
the thing.

Sort of doing it.

You hit that cone, fell,
and you said, "Leave me."

But you didn't.

And here we are,
about to finish our first lap.

At least no one's here
to witness it.

Well, almost no one.

Erica Goldberg?

I haven't seen you
in forever, bitch.

I know... Bitch.

Yo, guy. I'm Carla.
Erica's best friend
from high school.

That's my dad.
You've met him
like 100 times.

Oh, yeah!
I didn't recognize you
with your pants on.

Oh, man.

I can't even count
how many dads
I've said that to.

I don't like you.

I'm going to get a Fanta.

Do you work here?

I'm a Rink Lady.

I'm in charge of,
like, so many kids' safety,
it's stupid.

So, where's Geoff?

We actually broke up.

Was it a passion killing?

No, just your standard,
boring breakup.

Honestly, in high school,
I pooh-poohed
dweebs like Geoff,

but in the rearview mirror
of my chaotic life,

he's the whole package.

Hey, babe.
Other babe.

Erica and Geoff
split up.

That sweet-faced douche-nugget
is on the market?

You gotta swoop in,
and swoop fast!
But what about us?

We're talking
Geoff Schwartz here.

He's grade-A
marriage material.

He's gonna be
an optometrist.

An ophthalmologist.
What?

A real medical doctor
who can perform
retinal surgeries

including radial keratotomy?

If you don't swoop in,
I will.

Well, you don't really
need me here

to figure out
who's gonna swoop in, so...

We're leaving.
Already?

Don't you remember
this claw machine?

I'm trying to win you
that unicorn
you always wanted.

Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!

Ohh!

What does it take?

Murray, let's just
get out of here

before anyone else finds out
how pathetic my life is.

This one
goes out to Erica,

who just broke up with
solid catch Geoff Schwartz.

There's an eye man
on the table, ladies.

While Erica
fled from her past,

I sought advice
to cement my legacy.

Bar, I'm in trouble.

Wait. What are you doing?

We're out of TP,
so I'm improvising. Cheggit.

Hey, you did
something good
with a saw.

Now, tell your wise brother
your woes.

Well, my friends used me
to pull a prank.

A tale as old as time,

but your situation is
even worse than you think.

Worse?

If you're not
actively involved
in a senior prank,

no one will remember you.

Like Seth Snider?

The son of
the pretzel baron?

Not even a little.

He graduated my year
without a prank to his name.

I only remember him

'cause he had
that weird thing
on his nose.

That thing was weird.
What was that?
No one will ever know.

Well, probably him
and the dermatologist

and the insurance company

and his friends and family

and anyone
who isn't afraid to ask.

Long list. Anyway.
Let's get prankin'.

But pranks
get you in trouble!

Look, you may not
have the courage,
the mental agility,

the hunger...
Sure, but...

...the physical prowess,
the danger in your eyes,
the cunning wit.

I get it.

The muscles in
your arms, legs, or back.
Get to it!

But you do have
something no one,
including me, ever had.

Juvenile arthritis?

Access.
Access to what?

To the school, dummy.

Mom works there now,
and she has keys.

But she's not just gonna
hand me keys to the school.

The way I see it, you either
figure out a way to those keys

or be flushed away
in history.

Your choice, nerd.

I'll take this, too.
It's fun.

Sadly,
Barry was right.

If I wanted to be remembered,
I needed to do something big.

♪**♪

Not so fast!

She's among us!

What are you doing
in my purse?

I was just looking for...

This tampon.

Oh, my God.

You were looking for my keys
to pull a prank at school.

She caught me red-handed.
There was only
one thing to do...

Tell her the truth.

Mm, kinda.

Rats. Phooey.

I guess
the mother-son prank is off.

Mother-son prank?

Like I'd ever
believe that.

I got to thinking,

what better way for
my judgy peers
to remember me by

than with a very public
love note to the woman...

You came out of.

I was gonna say "raised me,"
but sure.

Well, that makes
a tremendous
amount of sense.

Just for fun, what would
that giant banner of love say?

I guess I'd go with
something like,

"Adam Loves His Mama."

You are such a good writer.

But too bad.

Without the keys,
it's not happening.

The world will just have to
wonder, do I love you?

Tell you what.

I'm just gonna forget
my keys right here.

And if anyone chooses to
come looking for them,

I'd never know.

There they were.
I finally had my...

Whoa! I, uh...

I need my P.O. box key.

A lot of mail-order shopping
your dad would frown upon.

Oop!

Clumsy me,
forgetting my keys again.

I had the access.

Now all I had to do was...

I forgot my Mace.

You know,
with my blond hair
and curvy physique,

I'm a magnet for pervs.

There.

I was never here.

And with that,
I officially had the keys
to unlock my legacy.

After duping
my mom into giving
me the keys to the school,

I was one prank away
from being a legend.

Hello, brother.
Gah! Barry!

Were you just sitting
in the dark waiting for me?

Just for three
short hours.

Not important.

What's important
is that prank
you're trying to pull.

Well, I was thinking
I'd sneak into Ball's office

and write him
an anonymous thank-you note
for a great four years.

Then you douse it in kerosene,
walk away in slow motion,

and throw a lit match
behind you?

Just the kind note.

But maybe I'll throw in
a handful of those
butterscotches he likes.

That's not a prank!

That's a cherished memory
of his impact as an educator!

I'm coming with you.

What? Why?

My legacy as a badass
at William Penn Academy

will be tarnished forever
if you do something

like put a daisy
in everyone's locker.

Ooh, maybe with
a little lavender
for a playful pop of...

Oh, my God.
You have to help me.
Don't worry.

With my know-how
and you having the keys,
we can't lose.

♪**♪

Ha ha. Boom!

This high-traffic area
is fully greased.

Just adding some
finishing touches.

What is that?
What are you doing?

Adding rock salt.

Don't want the floor
to be too slippery.
Yes, you do.

How is anyone gonna hurtle
themselves into the locker,

possibly needing to go
to the hospital
while everyone giggles?

I don't want to
hurt anyone.

Tell me you didn't take
the Saran Wrap
off the toilets.

Of course not!
I just hung up signs saying

"these toilets
are Saran-Wrapped."

You're gonna disgrace
the Goldberg name

by not disgracing
the Goldberg name!

I'm gonna go find
a locker to punch.

And I'm gonna run
a mop over this

to save the janitor
the trouble.

Barry was right.

I was a good boy,
doomed to be forgotten...

Until I saw something
that changed all of that.

Where are you going?

Home.
This was a huge mistake.

I admit taking a Fanta
out onto the rink

with all the signs telling
you not to was a big mistake,

but we should talk.

You want to talk?

You're famously bad at that.

Yeah, that's because
I'm usually tired, bored,
or disinterested,

or there's something
better on TV.

But I'm good.
Let's talk.

Fine. Let's talk.

And so,
just like the last
Daddy Daughter Day,

my dad got my sister
to open up.

Geoff was the first boy who
ever told me that he loved me.

Of course, this time
it wasn't teenage girl stuff.

It was real adult
relationship stuff.

I mean, he ate what I ate,
watched what I watched,

yawned when I yawned...

Which is a natural
reaction to yawns,

but I mean, come on, man.

Yawn for yourself.

But then,
something insane happened.

My dad actually
rose to the occasion.

And how'd that
make you feel?

Wait, are you actually
engaging me on this topic?

It doesn't come naturally,
but tell me about the pain.

It was amazing.

My dad didn't just
listen to Erica,
he was there for her.

Not a day goes by
I'm not terrified

that I completely
destroyed my life.

You know what I mean?
I do.

Normally, all the deep talk
and intimate details
would have spun our dad out...

And I miss his kiss.

He weirdly had
the softest lips,

and he didn't even
use ChapStick.

...but not today.

It's the small things
that we miss the most.

Dad, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but thanks.

It feels really good
to talk about this stuff.

Attention,
rink-rollers.

It's closing time.

You don't have to roll home,
but you can't roll here.

Well, that was fun.

Well, why should it
end now?

Let's turn
our Daddy Daughter Day

into a Daddy Daughter Night.

What a weird
and uncomfortable
turn of phrase,

but what do we even do?

Wait. Did you give
that voucher to Barry?

You mean the one that's
for my anniversary dinner?

You mean our
Daddy Daughter Dinner?

Come on. I was right
about this, wasn't I?

Not only that,
but they have
beef Wellington!

That's meat inside
a loaf of bread.

Science is real.

I guess.

Dinner with my Peanut!
Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Erica.

So... How's your mom?

She ever mention me?

Actually, yes.

She's constantly
reminding me
and my brothers

that if we don't try hard
and graduate from college,

then we'll end up like
Johnny Atkins.

Noice!

Say "what's up" back.

While my dad
and Erica were off
to a fancy meal,

I was on my way to school
to dress up our
distinguished namesake.

It's our beloved
founder...

Dressed in a way I think would
make him uncomfortable
if he were alive.

The dork you've trusted
with nothing

has done that
which you could not.

Bowie. Nice!

Now that's a prank.

Oh, no.
His stern demeanor
has been vanquished.

Who would do such a thing?

'Tis I!

Goldberg, move.

Somebody behind you
just admitted it

in the stupidest
possible way.

No, it was Goldberg.

He's mocking William Penn
and you at the same time.

I'm best friends
with the guy who did that.

And I'm dating him.

And look! I said it out loud
without any hesitation.

Adam! Adam!

Schmoo, I don't understand.

Is this part of
the mother-son prank?

Sorry, Mom,
but there's no such thing
as a mother-son prank.

But you're a good boy who
would never deceive his mama.

Turns out I'm a bad boy
who feeds off
the adulation of my peers.

I'm a legend!

We did it, Billy P!

Oh, no. Somebody stop it!

It's heading directly
for my sweet ride!

Oh, balls!
Oh, no, please!

Oh, no.

I'm not a mechanic,
but these things
buff out, right?

Adam, you're in
big trouble.

You did the one thing
I asked you not to,

and you destroyed
a beloved faculty member's
only mode of transportation.

It's okay.
And what's worse,

you gently lied about
celebrating our love

in front of
your friends and teachers.

While my prank
had gone sour,

my sister and Dad
were enjoying the sweet life
at Philly's best restaurant.

Welcome, lovers.

Mademoiselle Erica.
Monsieur Geoff.

Uh, no lovers.

I'm not Geoff.
I'm the girl's father.

It is your night.

You are whoever
you want to be.

Geoff must have
planned this months ago.

This is a culinary journey
through our relationship.

Okay, could you take
these menus and just
bring in the regular ones?

But that would be
an entirely new charge.

We'll push through.
Ohh, look at the back.

Why don't you just
bring us the food?

Dad, I just don't
feel right about this.

So we had a little hiccup
with the menu.

We're gonna have
a great time.

But they weren't.

They super weren't.

Looks exactly like
my prom corsage.

Not anymore.

Bon appetit.

And it only
got worse from there.

For mademoiselle,
your favorite, coq au vin,

and for the gentleman,
trout almondine.

Why is it cut
into teensy pieces?

Geoff was terrified
of choking,
'cause he always did.

God, I miss him so much.

Don't, because
he wasn't special.

All men like a pre-cut
piece of trout.

There's no way
I'm ordering pizza later.

And then
he brought out the face cake.

Really, guy?
I can't even look at it.

♪**♪

Mm. Oh, my God.

There's chocolate mousse
on the inside!

Like the moose that we saw
when we went upstate.

I believe that was
the intention.

You're not getting
a tip.

You already
generously included it,
Monsieur Schwartz.

I'm not him!

Why can't you get that?

Why can't you get that
I didn't want to come here?

Peanut...
No, don't "Peanut" me.

I don't know why I thought
you of all people
would make me feel better.

After
destroying my legacy

and the coolest teacher
in school's motorcycle,

there was nothing left to do
but apologize.

Hey, Mr. P.
I heard that you
take the bus now that...

My bike was flattened
by a Quaker

dressed like
an omnisexual rock god?

Quick and to the point.

Wait, why are you
on the bus?

My mom's form of
punishment.

But hey, this isn't so bad,
am I right?

You are not.

I used to be
king of the road.

Now I ride a yellow bus
with children.

Damn it!

Was that your spitball,
Levi Douglas?

I will go over
these seats!

It's like the bus kids
don't know how cool you are.

They don't.
You see these shades?

One of these lame-os asked me
if they were medical.

You're medical!

If you want
to hate me forever,
I wouldn't blame you.

Oh, please.

I know you're a good kid.

Unlike Scott Wasserman!

I will date your mom!

But I ruined everything
for you.

You were just trying to
make your mark,

but you didn't realize
you already had.

As a nerdy everyman?

Being a nerd
is not that special.

That's kind of
my whole schtick.

But you're not gonna be
remembered that way.

You're gonna be remembered
as a sweet, thoughtful kid
that everyone likes.

I can't believe you can still
think those things about me
after what I did.

One mistake doesn't
change who you are.

But let's just
keep it to one.
Definitely.

Pudding, huh?
Okay.

Ol' Perott's got
hard-boiled eggs!

You brought a knife
to a gunfight!

Thanks to
the coolest teacher in school,
I was off the hook.

But the same couldn't
be said for my dad.

♪**♪

You were right.
I was so over my head.

Okay, well,
I'll take over from here.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not giving up.

No offense, but giving up
is kind of your thing.

Not tonight.

♪**♪

Oh, my God, Dad.
Please, no more.

Get this...

There's nothing I can do
to help you.

That's it?

I mean, even with
no expectations,
that's brutal, man.

I know
I'm no good at this,

but I can't stand to
see you like this.

Look at you.

It's like
you actually care.

I do care,

more than you could
possibly know.

But...

Breakups are really hard,

and the only thing
you can do
is live through it.

So you tried distracting me
with roller skating?

I blew it.

Not entirely.

Like that time you fell.

And then that other time
you fell.

I stink at roller skating.

Yeah, but you are
a pretty okay dad.

Look at you.

I came in here to
make you feel better,

and you're making me
feel better.

Well, what can I say?
I'm a pretty okay daughter.

I think...

You're the best daughter.

The unicorn?

How many quarters
did you spend to get this?

Too many, and then I had to
bribe your scary friend
to open up the machine.

** More than this...

Sometimes
we spend so much time

worrying about
the relationships we lost

that we forget about
the ones we still have.

Where are you taking me?

You'll see.

The mother-son prank!

Ohh! Only it's not a prank
and it says all the words!

I'm sorry
I tricked you.

Adam, I'm never
gonna forget this.

And neither will
the rest of the school.

Yeah,
it's impossible to know

exactly how
you'll be remembered,

but what we can control
is the love we give

and the time we take

to actually be there
for each other.

In the end, that's a legacy
anyone would be proud to have.

** More than this **

♪**♪

Whoo! You still
got it, Mama.

Yes, you do! Mm.

Truer words have
never been spoken.

Johnny Atkins?

Someone's got
Johnny on the brain.

I'll tell the kids
I ran into you.

Or we can
run into each other
over drinks.

I'm sorry?
You will be!

Wh... Carla?

I thought you died!

Just for six minutes.

And you're the one that's in
trouble, talking to my man!

How dare either of you
speak to me like that.

You're lucky I don't
call your parents.

She just got hotter.