Original subtitles

Back in the '80s, there was no show quite like The Dating Game,

where bachelors and bachelorettes competed

with innuendo-filled questions for a chance at romance.

If I were a car, describe the hand-wash I could expect from you.

The words they're saying are innocent,

but the meanings are not.

Just so you know, Squishy, if we were ever on this show,

I'd pick you every time.

In what world would we be on a dating show together?

Never forget I will always be the first girl you ever kissed.

I never considered that until now.

...and I act, and I teach.

Is that Ms. Cinoman?

I also salsa dance.

It was.

And my mom and I weren't the only ones

watching our weird drama teacher find love.

Yikes.

That lady taught at your school?

Yep. And as a recently single woman, I support her.

I'm wearing a corduroy vest and a denim skirt,

and it goes all the way down.

Where else would it go?

But no one enjoyed the game of romance

more than my brother Barry.

If I was one of these bachelors,

I'd smoke these clowns. Mm-hmm.

For a date with a 50-year-old drama teacher?

50 is the new 48, Matt Bradley.

Open your mind to all of God's creatures.

Hey, Joanne, you cool with this?

I don't care if he window shops,

as long as the only thing he brings home is me.

And the bacon.

Mmm! She doesn't mean money.

She likes bacon. Love it.

You know who should go on The Dating Game?

This sad sack!

Sad sack?

You're basically the human equivalent

of a dropped ice-cream cone

with ants on it and a bootprint.

I saw this doc where whales that sing out of key get lost and die alone.

You're sadder.

I heard you weeping in the bathroom.

Okay, I'm a little down, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to date.

So you're just gonna be single?

What? "Single" is not a bad word!

Here's some other words for you...

Alone, abandoned, forsaken, deserted, Albuquerque.

I appreciate everyone's concern,

but this breakup with Erica is all about finding myself.

And the best way to find yourself is to find someone else.

Preferably a crazy brunette with tons of red flags.

Aww!

I'm just mean to waiters and have no female friends.

No biggie.

I'm actually doing pretty good on my own.

Do explain. I don't believe you.

Well, I recently rekindled an old flame

with my first love, Arabella.

Tell us all about her! What's she like?

She's got some pretty sweet curves,

and we make some beautiful music together.

Arabella's your cello, isn't she?

You know it.

It sounds like ghosts are screaming.

Make bad noise stop! On it, babe!

Quit it! No! Not my only lady!

Gimme it! Dude!

** I'm twisted up inside

** But nonetheless I feel the need to say

** I don't know the future

** But the past keeps getting clearer every day **

It was April 21st, 1980-something,

and despite some initial bumps,

my dad's new business partnership

was about to pay off.

Great news, fellas!

I told ya white wicker furniture was a gold mine!

Nothing adorns a tasteful sunroom

better than a woven rattan.

Those saps slurped it up like Mom's matzoh.

Well, not my mom, because she was a horrible cook,

an even worse woman, but you know what I mean.

Wicker and soup. Enough said.

There's more. Much more!

Is this a mistake? No mistake.

I've never seen so many numbers! Look at 'em all.

There's seven a-and nine

and... A-and they brought their old pal three.

And yours doesn't have as many zeroes as mine does.

Thank you for putting my joyful moment into perspective.

Welcome to the world of the filthy rich.

You get one free murder. Use it wisely.

What should I do with this?

Murray, listen to your best friend.

Is that you in this case?

Think big!

Do something that will cow your enemies or shame your family.

Or... Something nice.

I'm gonna get a Vespa scooter. It's a whole culture.

Well, that's a crap example. But sure!

This kind of cash was a whole new ballgame for my dad,

but to everyone's surprise,

he stepped up to the plate and took a big swing.

I did it! I did the thing, and it is big!

Just make sure you lit a candle by the sink this time.

No, moron! I bought something!

Bevy, care to guess?

A riding lawnmower so I don't have to push anymore?

No! Something I would never do.

Salsa lessons and then we go salsa dancing every night,

then we get all caught up in the salsa lifestyle

and we open a casino in Havana?

Even more life-changing.

You purchased something more life-changing

than quitting your lives in America and pursuing dance?

I bought a beach house!

What did he say? Beach house!

I think he said "bean chow."

He wants to eat more beans. That makes the most sense.

I bought... A house...

On the beach.

Is this real?

Does constant nagging actually work?

You're welcome, m'lady.

Every summer, that Jane Bales rolls off to her shore home

like she's better than me.

Well, guess what! I'm better than me!

Suck it, Jane!

I guess we're beach people now.

Not me. I burn easily.

And waves are just God's punches.

Well, get some sunscreen and some courage,

'cause now the sea is your best friend.

Oh, I gotta call my friends.

Hey, it's me. Gather the rest of the moo crew

and drag your rumps over here.

I've got a life-altering announcement!

A beach house!

Well, this better be good.

I left the tennis club for this.

Oh, you play tennis?

I know that you don't know,

but that's a very non-tennis club member thing to ask.

Here's something you don't know...

I have a beach house.

And it's not a crappy timeshare like yours, Ginzy.

Wait. It's not a timeshare, is it?

Full-time! In your face, Ginzy!

Have fun in your sad November beach house

filled with other people's silverware.

Oh, well, we were actually thinking

of going to Greece this summer, so... No one cares!

I have a summer house.

Bevy, that's so exciting. Hey, if there's a free weekend...

No. First rule of our beach house... "No moochers."

It's on a driftwood sign covered in seashells.

So where is the beach house? Margate? Ventnor?

I don't know, because my romantic

and spontaneous husband surprised me.

Did you marry someone new?

Nope, it was me,

her dynamic and handsome first husband.

Well, I hate to rush you out, but managing two households

is extremely time-consuming,

so thanks for being jealous, everyone.

While my mom couldn't wait to see her new beach house,

Erica and Geoff couldn't stay far enough away from each other...

Despite trying very hard.

Holy crap!

Finally, my brother and Joanne decided to end the awkwardness.

It's a trap! Gotta go!

No, no! No! Get over here.

This has to stop.

What has to stop? Nothing has to stop.

I'm not weird. You're weird.

We can't have this tension. You have to figure it out.

You're right.

We can be friends, right, Geoff?

Friends. I can do that.

So would you... Join me for a friend coffee?

Sounds lovely, friend.

So... So...

Enough terrible small talk.

I'll start the ball rolling.

Geoff's gonna be on The Dating Game.

I am? He is?

But I didn't even sign up. I did.

Ms. Cinoman gave me the number of a producer,

and I badgered him with my unique brand

of persuasive energy until he said yes.

I didn't know we were seeing other people.

We're not. I... I'm not. I don't control you.

Not that I controlled you when we were together,

which we're not anymore, so...

Nice. Nice.

Save that gold for the show.

If you want to go on a dating show

in front of millions of people, you can.

You're okay with this?

Why not? We're friends, and I support my friends.

Then I'm totally gonna do it.

This tomcat is back on the prowl.

Meow! It sounded better in my head.

Now it's Erica's turn.

Attention, diner patrons!

This gal's single and has a decent frame.

Makeup will fix the rest.

Come over here. See?

Isn't this way better?

As Erica and Geoff were in hell,

my mom was having a day at the beach.

Ohh, we've got a beach house!

Open your eyes and take a look at your dream house.

Unfortunately, it looked more like a nightmare.

Well, this is something.

I think I've seen this place on the news.

I bet you have.

It used to be a home for unwanted children.

If these walls could talk.

They would scream?

There's just so much to take in.

You know? Like...

What the hell are you wearing?

Dad made me! He keeps yelling I'm a beach kid now.

Damn right you are.

And you're gonna make a sand angel,

and you're gonna have sandball fights,

and you're gonna carve a beautiful sandman!

Sandman? The guy that makes you sleep?

I don't know beach talk, but I do know this...

You better not spoil your mom's dream.

Dream, yes. That's what this is.

Oh, so much character.

A character from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Ah, so it needs a little cleaning up.

We'll paint, we'll patch, badda boom badda bing, it'll be a home!

We'll all do it together.

Together, yes.

That is something I've definitely said before.

Because I'm the best.

You really are, Murray. I love it.

I hate it.

You hate it?

I'm wearing a shirt that says "Surf City."

Where is this place? It's so generic.

Why don't you just tell him?

Because I'm dumping this dump without him knowing it.

Sounds good, but let's not insult

the haunted house while we're in it.

While my mom had one foot out the door,

Erica couldn't believe

Geoff had hit the dating ground running.

I just thought that I'd be the first one to move on

and he would dress up a mannequin in my clothes and spoon it at night.

You need to get back out there, too.

But a ton more, with, like,

faceless guys who work with their hands.

Sometimes their hands are strong.

Either way, it's new and scary.

Very specific to you, and I don't think I'm ready.

Well, get ready. See that cute guy over there?

He's already given you three refills.

He totally digs you.

And he's coming over here.

What? No, no, no. I can't talk to human boys.

Oh, here's one now.

Can I top you off? Sure.

Love your beans.

Coffee beans, I mean.

Other beans I like... Garbanzo, pinto, mung.

Ow!

So, Heat. That's an unusual name.

Are your parents big fans of NBA expansion teams?

It's Heath. Like the candy bar.

You can call me Whatchamacallit.

Ow!

So, I'm wondering, do you maybe want to hang out sometime?

Wow. So I guess I didn't have to list off all those beans.

Ow!

And, yes, for sure. Let's hang.

As Erica fumbled her way into a date,

Barry was prepping Geoff for game-show success.

Winning The Dating Game is all about one thing.

ANUS.

I thought there was nothing that could make me

want to do this less, but there it is.

A is for "Alpha Status."

You need to dominate the other contestants around you by saying things like,

"Wow, Bachelor Number Two,

"have your eyes always been so far apart,

"or is your mother an elephant seal?"

I thought it was light flirting and being affable,

but I'll be awful, I guess.

Moving on to U and S, a.k.a. "Us."

Wait. Us? What about the N?

N in this case stands for "nothing."

I just really wanted to spell "Anus."

Now, "us" are gonna help you with some role playing.

Joanne will be our bachelorette. Ooh.

Matt Bradley, Geoff, and I will be bachelors.

Naked Rob, hoot and holler as needed.

What? No! Please don't make me reply to my sister's sexy innuendos.

You will.

Jo-Jo, ask your brother/suitor a sexually charged question.

Bachelor Number One,

say we're stuck in a glass elevator...

Yeah, I'm out. No! Back in!

Blood relative or not, you need practice talking suggestively.

Say the words.

Gah. Fine.

I guess I would push all the right buttons?

I'm your sister, you weirdo!

You have the same mom!

I guess he's over Erica. I'm gonna go.

Okay. Yeah, bye.

We did good work here.

Yeah.

My mom wasn't exactly thrilled

with my dad's surprise purchase,

but she was never one without a plan.

Wait a tick. I don't want any part of whatever this is.

Can't a woman bring macadamia muffins

to her husband's best friend anymore?

Sweet Hawaiian gold. Macadamias are my weakness.

I just need a little help first.

You're a contractor, right?

I sell tile!

So you have a hammer. It's all the same.

Please just ask me whatever hugely imposing favor this is.

Murray has bought a beach house.

How incredibly generous of him.

It's a dump and I hate it!

And now we know why you're here.

You want me to say the terrible things so you don't have to.

You tell Murray how costly it'll be to fix.

The thought of spending a single penny more will reawaken his cheapness,

and then I won't have to live in the house from The Munsters.

I'm available next Tuesday.

We're going now.

Well.

Mur-man, I'm not gonna lie to you.

This is more than a paint-and-patch.

That sounds like big bucks.

Please, Bill, be more specific.

You need new drywall. Drywall? That's easy.

Uh, anything else? Maybe something that isn't easy?

And new floors, I guess.

You guess or you know?

I don't want to crash through to whatever lurks beneath here.

Is quicksand just a jungle thing?

Uh, that mold is, uh, deadly,

and it'll eat your whole family.

Okay, well, Bill took that too far there,

but, uh, how does that make you feel, Mur?

Like you want to maybe reconsider everything?

Mold?

I just got some new cream for my toenails.

I'll plop it on the wall, it'll all disappear.

Bill, can I speak to you over here

next to the water damage that made a face?

Yeah.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm sorry, but look at him. I'm not gonna take his happiness.

Take it! There's not that much there.

He won't even know it's gone!

Hey.

What are you doing in here

and not out on the crystal brown waters of the Atlantic?

Why do you want me to surf so bad?

You're the only one not embracing our beach lifestyle.

Now go on out there and ride the big kahuna.

Is that a person?

I don't know who it is! But he's out there.

Well... No easy way to say this, Mur-man.

It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg to fix this place up.

Bill, there's no amount of money I wouldn't spend

to put a smile on this little lady's face.

Last week you got mad at me for having grocery ketchup.

Well, those little packets are everywhere, but this is different.

I know it'll take some work, but over time, we'll get it done.

Time, as in the one thing we can never get more of?

That and gallbladders. Found that out the hard way.

Bill, get out. You drove me here.

Fine.

While my mom's plan had gone awry,

Geoff was putting Barry's Dating Game training into action.

Bachelor Number Two, I love to laugh.

How could I tickle your funny bone?

Well, Mandy, I may never laugh again

after seeing Bachelor Number One's hideous face.

I'm so sorry.

I-I think your face is lovely.

Oof. Rough start.

Yeah, I don't know. I think he's just nervous. Hey...

Shushy-shush. TV's talking.

If you were ordering me a steak,

how would you say I like my meat?

I'd go with rare.

And you know what else is rare?

The shape of Bachelor Number Three's head.

I'm so sorry.

I feel like outside of this we could be friends.

Wait. Is he kind of succeeding?

I love watching baseball.

What's your favorite position?

I'd have to say bat boy,

because I'm helpful and organized.

Crash and burn! He is so done.

You know, in my novel, we actually...

Okay, zip it, yakkity yak. Mandy's about to pick a winner.

I choose...

Bachelor Number Two! Hey, that's me!

What the hell?

We're whisking you two lovebirds away

on an all-expenses-paid dinner at Bookbinder's,

home of the world-famous Snapper Soup.

Taste the sea!

You're gonna take me to Bookbinder's.

Look, I gotta be honest. I thought this was going really badly.

Nah. Tens from all the judges. Now let's boogie.

As Erica was off to dinner,

my mom was meeting with the realtor

to get our new beach house off of her hands.

Please. Somebody's gotta be interested in this place.

Yeah, like a true-crime buff or someone into the occult.

This couldn't get worse.

Beverly!

Ohh...

Is that you?

Jane Bales.

The ocean air must have masked your approach.

Well, I heard you were out here,

so I've been driving around looking for you.

It took forever, since I started in the nice areas.

Is this what you were bragging about?

No, I-I volunteer to bring meals

to sick and decrepit people who live in dumps like this.

Charity is so gross.

So gross.

Uh, but isn't that your odd boy?

Well, he has a generous spirit, as well,

by feeding and washing society's trash bin.

What do I do?

He just finished bathing a man

with the appearance and smell of pumpkin soup.

Isn't that right, Adam?

Sure. I just washed a pumpkin man, I-I guess.

Can we go home?

Yes, 'cause this is not our home,

so we should go to the one that is.

And which is it? Is it nearby?

Let's just say, um, my palatial estate is right on the water

and nothing like this shack.

You hate it?

What? Murray, no.

I heard the whole thing.

Then yes. I-I hate it.

Ohh. I'm just gonna park.

I thought this was your dream.

Well, it is, but, like... Six houses that way.

Oh, more than six, honey.

Why didn't you just ask me first?

Because I thought I was doing something special for you.

I guess I thought wrong.

Well, silver lining... I had a great day.

Bye!

While my mom could see she messed up,

Erica was aiming to catch a glimpse of Bachelor Number Two.

Oh, my God! It's TV's Geoff and Mandy!

You know, celebrities love interactions with the public, so let's do it.

Erica?

Geoff? Oh, my God. Hi.

What are you doing here?

And with the guy from the coffee shop?

Oh, this strapping fella?

This is Heath, and we're on a date.

Me too. This is Mandy from... Where are you from?

The Dating Game.

Anyway, we're together. You're together.

I mean, check us out. We're like two perfect puzzle pieces.

Except one puzzle piece doesn't wear deodorant.

Oh, that stuff is toxic.

Yeah, and so are the smells that it prevents.

Yeah, well, that arm's not the only arm

getting draped over a lady tonight.

Come on in here, Mandy.

Yeah, this is all moving really fast.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry!

I'm messing with you! I'll do anything.

Oh. Okay, that's enough.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were just friends being friends.

You didn't come here to stop my date, did you?

Of course not! I came here to taste the sea!

And all right, Mandy. It's a restaurant,

not the alley behind the restaurant.

You know...

I don't get it, Erica. You broke up with me.

You told me to go find myself, and that's what I'm doing.

Come on, Mandy.

Is it shrimp time? Almost!

Feeling guilty for having broken my dad's heart,

my mom was looking to the sea for answers,

but the only thing coming out of there was me.

Oh, no, Schmoo. What happened?

I surfed!

Wait. You paddled out there?

No. I went to clean my toes of icky sand in the water,

but the undertow took me!

And my feet couldn't touch bottom!

But that's not the worst of it.

There was a fin in the water!

A shark? Jaws himself!

So what happened?

I scrambled onto my board...

...just as a wave yanked me into its grip

and hurled me toward shore.

And it turns out that fin was a dolphin!

And she smiled at me.

So I guess it kind of worked out.

I get it now. It's special here.

Dad's right.

Maybe he is.

So, wait. H-How did you break your board?

Oh, this is from the revolving door of the Marriott when I went to pee.

♪**♪

Murray... What's all this?

Too busy hating the house to come up here?

I deserve that.

It's kind of wonderful.

It's why I bought the place.

I know it needs a lot of work,

but it's also got a lot of charm.

Kind of like you.

Hey, I thought when the grandkids go to sleep,

we could come up here, have a foo-foo drink,

sit and watch the ocean or something dumb like that.

It's not dumb. It's sweet.

Look. I'm sorry I bought this place without you.

It's your dream house. You should have a say in it.

But I never had money like that, and I got excited, and...

I messed up.

Murray, I'm the one who should be apologizing.

If you believe in this house, then so do I.

You're not embarrassed?

Oh, beyond.

But not because I couldn't see how special the house is, but...

'Cause I couldn't see how special my husband is.

** Through the night

** And once we start The meter clicks... **

While my Mom and Dad finally patched things up

in that broken-down house,

Erica wanted to fix some things of her own.

Hey. Is Geoff here?

He's at class.

I'll just wait then.

Can I give you some advice?

I was wrong.

You can't be friends with your ex.

Stop. I'm just here to explain last night.

Erica, take it from the guy who lost the love of his life.

You're only gonna make it worse.

This is nothing like you and Lainey.

No, it's harder.

She went away, and I didn't have to see her every day.

What are you saying?

I'm saying you guys need to be out of each other's lives for a while.

It's the only way you're gonna get through this.

It's impossible.

To see him, to not see him.

I just didn't think it was gonna be this hard.

I know.

And I also know I'm just your younger, goofy brother,

but I'm always here for you.

Thanks, Barry.

Life can get messy sometimes,

whether it's the end of a relationship,

or even the start of something new and wonderful.

Either way, you can always look back...

...but you can only live forward.

♪**♪

Okay.

♪**♪

Hey! You were just on The Dating Game!

What can I do for you?

I'm looking for a chair to fill out my boudoir.

If you were my chair, what type would you be?

And don't say La-Z-Boy.

Vic, you have a customer!

Oh, Salesman Number Two.

I'd very much like to see your love seat.

Oh, my. Your tone is quite forward. Uh, Bill?

Well, I'm just waiting for Murray.

I don't even work here.

Yeah, y-you do now.

Huh? Hmm.

Newly-Hired Sexy Salesman Number Three,

perhaps you'd like to help me try out a new mattress.

Oh, just don't get a water bed.

Those things will make you seasick.

Not a night goes by that I don't barf.

Never mind.