All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S08E11.WEBRip.x264-ION10

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,

my mom was at school
as much as I was.

She berated our principal,
terrified our teachers,

and embarrassed us
with endless pop-ins.

But I was finally a senior,

which meant our time
at William Penn
was winding down,

or so I thought.

Welp, this is my stop.
A fine day to you, madame.

Not so fast, mister.

You have to pay
the full fare.

[NAILS CLICKING]
Beep boopity boop.

Okay, that'll be
three butterfly kisses
and a head sniff.

You know what?
Have at it.

What?

You never let me just have
my way with your neck meat.

There's only 68 more drop-offs
till I'm out of this place,

so I figure,
why fight it anymore?

Well, a win's a win.

Now, bring that luscious
noggin over to Mama.

[SNIFFS, GASPS]
What the hell?

[HORN HONKS]Excuse me.
What am I looking at here?

Everybody knows
that Iam always in charge

of the annual bake sale.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Who am I? Who are you?

I'm Tim Johanssen's
mom, Trish.

I don't need
to know your name, trash.

Trish.I said what I said.

Mom, you left the car running
and the door open.

I'm not going anywhere until
these ugly-ass snickerdoodles

are out of my face.

Whoa! Mrs. Goldberg,
these are the new
freshman moms.

It's time
to pass the torch.

Or I take that torch
and I burn this school
to the ground.

Beverly,
Adam is a senior now,

and with no other offspring
at William Penn,

that means, hallelujah,
your time is up.

Fine, these frumpy cows
can handle the bake sale.

I'll just, uh, organize
the blood drive again.

Well, we're going with
licensed nurses this year.

I never want to have to write
the words "missing blood"

on an insurance form again.

Then I'll grab a yellow vest
and be the crossing guard.

I fear that the parents
and faculty

would be too tempted
to run you over.

And don't forget all the kids
who can drive.

Then what about librarian?Nope.

Security guard?Nuh-unh.

Lunch lady?We have Doris.

Brunch lady?Not a thing.

Janitor?Also Doris.

Oh, I know, I'll be
a substitute teacher again.

I'm sorry, but all of our
teaching positions

have been filled!
Ha-ha!

Boom shakalaka-laka!

Boom shaka...MRS. FERGUSON: Principal Ball?

It's happening.
I'm having my baby.No. No!

No, no! This is terrible
timing, Mrs. Ferguson!

No!When do I start?

Damn it, I prematurely
boom shakalaka'd.

[LAUGHING] Yay!

You want me!
You really want me!

No! Don't let her
in the building, man!

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

♪♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪♪ I don't know the future

♪♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪♪

ADULT ADAM:
It was February 10th,
1980-something,

and my dad was still
in business

with his furniture enemy.

And as the Formica King
warned him...

I'm a difficult partner.

There's my guy.

All right, question.

Who's better-looking,
me or me?

I prefer
the one that doesn't talk.

Oh, come on, everybody loves
the Formica King.

We don't own a medieval theme
restaurant.

We sell credenzas.

[CHUCKLING]
Check it out, Mur.

I'm Sir Vic, the knight
of this round table.

[CHUCKLES]
It's an entertainment console,
but you get it.

Sadly, I do.

Uh, just set it over there,
guys.

What the hell is this?Only the greatest thing ever,

a giant lip couch.

Mur, lip furniture
is au courant right now.

Maybe, but we're not
selling it in my store.

Ah-ah-ah! Ourstore.

It was
the Ottoman Empire first.

Yeah, but then I bought
half the empire,

and I turned it
into more of a kingdom.

And kingdoms are better
than empires.

What are you talking about?

Empires are better
than kingdoms.

Empires are
sovereign states

controlled by
a single supreme authority.

Yeah, but everybody
wants to be a king.

That's true.
King me, baby.

Empires control
vast territories.

Point for Murray.
The original Ottoman Empire

controlled Europe, Asia,
and Africa for centuries.

Ha!It was, uh,
ultimately defeated

by the United Kingdom.

Ha back at ya!

Why don't you know this much
about end tables?

And there you have it.
The lips stay.

Long live the king!

ADULT ADAM: While our dad
was being conquered,

my senior year
was about to be invaded

by another hostile force.[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Good morning, class.
My name is Mrs. Goldberg.

And while Mrs. Ferguson is
at home nursing her new baby,

and I saw a picture,
he's a chunker,

you all will be nursing
at my bosom of knowledge.

You have Corbett's attention!Great.

So, where did Mrs. Ferguson
leave off?

We were watching the last
20 minutes of Splash.

Why would she show you
a mermaid movie?

Mom, it's senior year.

Nothing we do affects
getting into college anymore.

It's classic senioritis.

Senioritis?

I want to infect you
with a new disease
called learn-a-rhea.

Learn-a-rhea? My brother
got that on spring break.

It was no bueno.

And senioritis
is a high school tradition,

just like Senior Skip Day
this Tuesday.

Senior Skip Day?

Oh, hell, no!

No way, Jose. This lounge
is for teachers only.

I ama teacher, but the time
for lounging is no more.

Mrs. Ferguson
has been showing Splash!

That is unacceptable.I know!

Iwas gonna show Splash.What's that, now?

I guess I could
go with Road House.

Unh-unh,
I called Road House.

I teach Spanish,

and there's nothing
more caliente

than a shirtless
Patrick Swayze.

Well, I teach chemistry,

and what Swayze
and Kelly Lynch have

can't be found
in any textbook.

So you've all just been
showing movies in class?

That's right, blondie.

The seniors take their foot
off the gas, and so do we.

So you know about
Senior Skip Day?

You mean Teacher Ditch Day?

I'm hitting Jo-Ann Fabrics.

They have wine glasses there
that say, "I'm on Cloud Wine."

I, of course,
will be at the golf range

foraging for lost balls.

I can get up to 5 cents
for some of those babies.

The hell you are!

My child's mind
will not sit idle

while you two
waste your pathetic lives

on wine and balls!

ADULT ADAM: As our mom
wouldn't let anyone
take it easy,

our dad was reeling

after another hard day
with Formica Mike.

[DOOR CLOSES]Hey, Mur! Dolores sent me
to borrow your blender.

She's making melon soup.

'Cause who don't want
cold fruit stew?

Ugh. Whoa.

What's wrong
with your dad?

[SIGHS]I know. Look at him.

I've never seen him
not sit in his chair before.

And he didn't
take his pants off.

I don't like this
one bit.

Hey, Mur-man,
wanna pop on the game?

The kids can watch
what they want.

Did aliens
snatch his body?

I mean, there's so many
other bodies to choose from,

it makes no sense.

Hey, buddy.
Little worried about ya.

For old time's sake,
why don't you kick back
in your old chair

and pop off those pants?Ungh.

I can't talk to you
with your pants on, Mur!

Open up to me!
Let's get those things
around your ankles!

Get your hands off me!

I hate Formica Mike.

He's supposed to be
a 50-50 partner,

and he never listens
to anything I say.

I could tell
by your sad, hollow gaze

that this was about
a relationship.

I'm not in a relationship
with Formica Mike, moron.

It's a business
relationship,

and just like
any new relationship,

there's always a lot of kinks
to work out.

Geoff's right.
It took us a long time

to establish our dynamic
of me being me

and Geoff being the bucket
I dump all my emotions into.

And what works great for us
might not work for you.

The key is communication.

Kid's right.
I tell Dolores everything.

Except that I hate
her melon soup

and Debra Winger wasn't
my high school girlfriend,

though I think she knows.

Guys, don't bother.
For all his angry bluster,

he's terrible
at confrontation.
It's hopeless.

Or hope-stuffed.

Barry, no! Don't just appear
sucking on something

and give your
terrible advice.

Is that a foot Popsicle, son?

Also has a gumball
inside of it.

Point is, there's only one way
to destroy a Formica kingdom.

You gotta kill
the Formica King.

Don't listen to Barry. Tell
the King how you're feeling.

Conquer him
with emotional intimacy.

Pick something, Mur!

I can't stand
that your pants are still on!

Let me just pop off that...Leave my pants alone!

I'm gonna go and do
what Erica's beau says.

He's doing my thing! Although
he's yet to learn my name,

so it's kind of a mixed bag
for the win.

ADULT ADAM: And so,
our dad tried his best

to open up
to his business partner.

Hey, Mike,
I have some feelings that...

Feelings? What are you,
my kids after
my first heart attack?

Well, I'd appreciate...

Here's something
you'll appreciate!

I got another set
of these babies.

Pucker up!

ADULT ADAM: The only thing
my dad was ready to kiss

was the Formica King goodbye.

You're gonna help me, uh,

kill the King.Yes!

ADULT ADAM: As my dad
and Barry dealt
with a problematic partner,

I wasn't the only one
who had a problem with my mom.

Principal Ball,
you wanted to see me?

In fact, I did.

Dale, press play.
Show the boy.

DALE: Okay.ADAM: No Way Out?

Yes way in!

Gene Siskel
called it an epic thriller

with a plot twist
for the ages.

And you're in for a bit
of a plot twist of your own.

Greetings, class.

Kevin Costner turns out
to be a Russian spy. The end.

Now, Mr. Woodburn,
start teaching your students.

You know, your mother
has crossed many lines,

but making us do our jobs
is a bridge too far!

Guys, fire her.

Oh, no, you can't just fire
Beverly Goldberg.

Yeah, it takes a lot
to fire a teacher. Trust me.

She's a blonde
whack-a-mole.

She'll just pop right back up
somewhere else.

Just find her a job
outside the classroom

with no real authority.

There's nothing.

Unless...

Unless what?
I'm desperate here, man.

I got the endothermic process
coming up on the syllabus.

I don't know
what the [BLEEP] that is!

I could make her
Quaker Warden!

Quaker what?It's an archaic position

in charge of enforcing
Quaker values.

It hasn't been filled
in this school for 87 years.

Here is the last one.[BOOK THUMPS LIGHTLY]

The late, great
Eunice D. Eunice.

Is that a scar on her face?It's a smile.

But Quaker Warden
sounds pretty lofty.

Are you sure you want
to give my mom any power?

Here's the genius of it all.

It can take forever
to get your certification.

She'll be gummed up in
Quaker red tape for so long,

all of us will be long dead
before she gets in.

Death! The final victory!

I don't know.
I think she'll see
right through this one.

Whoo-hoo!
I'm the Quaker Warden!

Not quite yet. Uh, first,
you have to be ordained

by the Fellowship of Friends
in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.

Oh, that's
a bit of a hike.

And then there's
the reading of the parchments

from the three volumes
of the Books of Discipline.

And I would find those...

Library of Congress,
by appointment only.

Wow. Well, that's a difficult
set of hoops to jump through,

so I better get started.
[LAUGHS]

Look out, everybody!

Quaker Warden-elect
coming through!

Game. Set. Ball!

ADULT ADAM: At least,
that's what we thought,

but Beverly Goldberg
always finds a way
to get things done.

Good morrow, William Penn.

Newly certified Quaker Warden
at your service.

But it's only been
one day.

The Quaker
Fellowship of Friends
was happy to certify me

to get me out
of their flat, dull hair.

So what happens now?

First order of business,

no gum, chewing wax,
or taffy.

[SPITS]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

I think
I might have screwed up.

You think?

That was a fresh piece
of Hubba Bubba.

Aaah.

ADULT ADAM: Principal Ball
had tried to reduce
my mom's role at school.

Instead, he gave her
unlimited power.

Hands were intended
for prayer, not pockets.

Short pantaloons
must be one egg
above the knee. Go change.

Friend Dave Kim,
might I suggest

an activity better
for your body and character,

such as a game of
Toad in the Middle,

Buttons, Buttons, Buttons,
or Please, Mr. Crocodile?

Those all seem
really dated.

[SCOFFS]
Well, look who thinks

he's better than a boy
who lived in 1675.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Get thee to class!

ADULT ADAM: Yep,
my mom was drunk
with Quaker Warden power.

Meanwhile, my brother
was showing my dad

how to overpower the King.

Welcome to Revenge 101,

a master class
in destroying your enemies.

This is already the greatest
regret of my life.

All comments will be taken
after the presentation.

Just get to it.

Lesson One. Get BUFF.

But that would take a lifetime
of diet and exercise

and a zest for life that your
father clearly doesn't have.[CHALK SCRAPING]

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
what he said.

No, the "B"
is for "Bother."

Sure, teach what you know.

The "U"
is for "Undermine."

You need to spread gossip,
gossip, gossip, gossip.

Is he a genius or a halfwit?
I can't tell.

"F" is for "Fibbing."
A gentle lie can work wonders.

Get to the last "F" so I can
go back up to my chair.

And the final "F," of course,
is for "F.L.O.R.F."

Sakes alive!
Is that an acronym
within an acronym?

Please, I don't even know
what an acronym is.

All right, I'm pulling
the plug on this.

My anger for Formica Mike
clouded my judgment.

So, you'll try
talking to him again?

Nah, but I do have a plan
to get rid of those couches
for good.

Come on, Bill, let's go.

Clear a hole!

Yeah, Bar,
we're out, too,

you know, because
this just made us stupider.

ADULT ADAM: While my dad
was through listening
to Barry,

we had no choice
but to listen to my mom.

BEVERLY: [ON SPEAKERS]
Good morrow, William Penn.
[ CHUCKLES]

'Tis I, Friend Beverly,
your Quaker Warden,

with a few quick
announcements.

You may have noticed
I've instructed
lunch lady Doris

to replace all rice pudding
with a nutrient-rich muesli.

Yummy!

Also, Senior Skip Day
is canceled.

What?No Skip Day?

Dude, you have to do something
about your mom.

This Quaker stuff
is out of control.

I know, Dave Kim.

She said if I got
one more demerit,

I have to do something called
a "public butter churn."

I know, JC Spink.
And I know, Corbett.

I didn't say anything.I know!

Instead, we'll be reinstating
the hallowed tradition

of the Quaker morning meeting.
[CHUCKLES]

A time to reflect individually
and as a community.

Self-examination?
I don't want to know

what's going on
below my surface.

You're a dead man.

He's been my lifelong friend,
but I'll hold his arms.

Guys, nobody has more issues
with my mom than me.

But also no one's better
equipped to handle her.

Fine. You have 33 hours.

Seems like an arbitrary
time frame, but let's do it.

ADULT ADAM:
As the clock was ticking,

it was time for my dad's
plan to use Bill
as a fake customer.

Hello, strange
furniture men.

I'm interested
in purchasing a couch,

and I don't know anyone
that works in this store.

I got this, Mur.

Sir, you're gonna
buy this beauty.

But that couch is dumb,
and I hate it.

Who'd want
to sit on a mouth?

Are you familiar
with television bad boy
Richard Grieco?

Grieco's got a mouth couch?He does.

I'm suddenly intrigued.

Are you sure?
I'd think about that.

Scratch that.
I have no interest

in how 21 Jump Street's
Officer Booker

spends his lazy afternoons.

Well, I have something
more traditional,

something that
a lot of people like.

Unh-unh, not so fast.

Sir, follow me, and park
your keister on this kisser.

I don't think... Wow.

That's a lot more comfort
than I expected.

It's so fun and red.

Well, uh,
if you like Mr. Red,

then you'll like
his best friend, Mr. Brown.

Come on over here
and check out
this corduroy beauty.

You seem to me like
you have a beautiful
woman in your life.

One with gorgeous lips.

Dolores does have
a sensational smoocher.

Wouldn't this piece
be a testament

to your beautiful Dolores
and her magnificent lips?

Man, I just came in here

looking for a place
to park in front of the tube,

but you've made this
red lip couch
come to life with meaning.

I feel like you came in here
with one couch in mind,

and you should probably
stick to that.

Here's what I'm gonna do,

and this is only
because I like you. Half-off.

Wow, that's
a hell of a bargain!

You want a bargain?

I'll give you
anything in the store for free

if you just leave now.

Hey, Billy Boy,
what are you doing here?

You come to visit Mur?

What? I don't know
anybody that works here.

I'm just a man off the street

who's wildly opposed
to anatomical couches.

Good day.

All right,
what's going on here?

[SNAPS FINGERS]
I think I got it.

Mur used his buddy
to make you look dumb,

but Bill crumbled
under the pressure,

and now Murray
feels like the dumb one.

[LAUGHS]
Good for you.

I used an elaborate plan

to tell you how much
I hate these couches,

and suddenly
it's good for me?

Please, we're salesmen.

If we ain't lyin',
we ain't livin'.

Fine. Well, then here's
something that's not a lie.

I hate these couches,
and I'm not gonna
sell them anymore.

Fine. As soon as we sell
the 20 I just ordered,
then we'll see.

No, no, no, no,
we're supposed to be partners.

Exactly. Even split.

Everything decided together.
But I'm not budging an inch.

Then I will. I quit.

Quit? What are you
talking about?

You know what? You never hear
anything that I say,

so now you can have this
whole kingdom to yourself.

ADULT ADAM: Finally, my dad
came clean to the King.

As for me, I was ready
to tell my mom
she was ruining my life.

Good morrow, Schmoopie.

I've fixed you
a hale and hearty
breakfast of salt pork,

hardtack biscuits,
and buttermilk.

Yeah, as much as I love
things I can't swallow,

can you please stop
with this Quaker nonsense?

Because of you,
we lost Senior Skip Day.

Well, you know what's better
than blowing off school?

Blowing off steam
by expressing your feelings

during a Quaker morning
meeting. [CHUCKLES]

You and your friends
are gonna love it.

What friends?
Everyone hates me
now because of you.

But friendship is
the cornerstone of Quakering.

I'm gonna fix this.

ADULT ADAM:
Or she'd make it
much, much worse.

Welcome to our first
Quaker morning meeting,

where we will
share our thoughts

with openness and honesty.
I'll start.

Adam, please stand up.

Show off your perfect face

and well-proportioned frame.

Okay, hey.
Unfortunately, I'm Adam.

Now tell
the rest of the school

what pieces of [BLEEP]
they are.

Unacceptable.

Okay, you want honesty?
Here's some.

I hate
your stupid Quaker rules!

I know change is hard,
but soon you'll
all come to love

these time-honored,
highly restrictive traditions.

No, we won't. If I can't
make out in the hallway,

in the classroom,
or in the gym,
where would I make out?

My car? [SCOFFS]
Oh, yeah.

And if God didn't want me
wearing skirts,

he wouldn't have given me
a smokin'-hot bod.

And how can a turtleneck
be too risque?

I haven't seen my own neck
in years!

And we need lacrosse back!

There's no scholarships
for the game of apple catch.

Although I'm sick at it.

But giving up all that stuff

focuses the mind
on what's really important,

friendship, community,
family, charity.

Charity?

Here's something for free.

Nobody wants you here!

Okay, that's quite enough.

Quite enough of you!

Principal Ball gave you
this job so you'd get lost,

not come back
and ruin all our lives!

Please, he made me
the Quaker Warden

as a reward for my commitment
to this school over the years.

Right, Friend Ball?

Uh, the boy nailed it.
It was the "get lost" thing.

♪♪♪♪

BEVERLY: I see.

I'll save you the trouble.

[SLOW HAND CLAPPING]

Really?

No one?

Well, I'm not gonna stop.

ADULT ADAM: Thanks to me,
my mother's reign
as Quaker Warden was over,

but the pain of that rejection was just settling in.

Hey.

I just wanted to say...

No.

You don't have to say
anything.

I get it. Once again,
Beverly Goldberg
has screwed up your life.

I mean, you did lean into
the Quaker stuff pretty hard.

I know.

This school hasn't just
been a part of your life,

it's been a huge part
of mine.

I was so excited about
having a permanent place here

that I kinda went overboard.

Kinda?

I just can't believe
our time here is ending.

It is.

But that's okay.

I mean, everyone graduates,
even parents.

But what's not okay is you
taking away my senior year.

It's supposed to be
the best time of my life.

You gotta let me have it.

Guess the Quakers weren't
wrong about honesty.

You have no idea.

Come with me.

[VOICE BREAKING] Mr. Woodburn,
you taught me a lot
about chemistry,

but even more
about being a man.

I love ya, fella.

[SOBS]

[CRYING] Y-You have no idea
how much that means to me.

You... You kids are my life.

What the hell is this?

Pure, unadulterated
honesty.

And it's beautiful.

Here goes nothing.

Sydney, since second grade,
I've been in love with you.

Say you'll
give us a chance.

In that same
spirit of honesty,
I have no idea who you are.

It's been incredible.

Except for Dave Kim. I mean,
that was really brutal.

[SIGHING] Oh.But for the rest us,

uh, there's just so much
catharsis and relief.

Maybe we've been missing
some of the traditions

that make our school special.

Are you telling me you want me
to stay on as Quaker Warden?

Oh, well... Well,
I don't think anyone want...

I accept. I un-resign.I... I don't...

Oh, no. Mom...

Don't worry, Schmoo,
I got this.

Attention! Your Quaker Warden
has an important announcement!

Senior Skip Day is back on![38 SPECIAL'S HOLD ON LOOSELY
PLAYING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ADULT ADAM: That day,
thanks to my mom,

we learned honesty could
bring us all closer together.

Sometimes you just
have to be brave enough

to take the first step.

It's me! Formica Mike!

MURRAY: I already hate
whatever this is.

Thanks for stopping by.W-w-w-w-wait.

I, uh...

I got something to say. ♪♪ You see it
all around you ♪♪

Then say it!Well, it's difficult.

How is it difficult? You're
always jabbering on and on,

talking over me,
never listening
to a word I say.

It's because I'm insecure.

You're insecure?
You wear a crown all day.

Years ago, I created
this persona, okay,

Formica Mike, the King, okay?
And it worked.

W-What are you
trying to say?

I'm trying to say
that I'm just a schmuck
with a plastic crown!

Please.Why do you think I wanted
to partner with you?

With your business acumen
and my pizzazz,

w-we're unstoppable.

Except you don't listen to...To a word you say?

You... There I go again.

See, that's my problem.

But starting now,
I'm gonna be better.

I guess I could
do, uh, better, too,

you know,
telling you how I feel.

Yeah, it wasn't the best.

But I'll tell you
what could be.

♪♪ But don't let go ♪♪You come in tomorrow,

we work this thing
out together, okay?
What do you say?

I say
I'll see you tomorrow.

There you go! Come on!

Skin on skin, huh? [LAUGHS]

That's how you solve stuff!

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes,
we take even our most
cherished relationships

for granted.

Still, it's important
to remember

that no matter how close
you are, things change.

And those bonds get tested
again and again.

But with a little
heavy lifting
and good communication,

there's no reason

you can't succeed
beyond your wildest dreams.

♪♪ But don't let go ♪♪

♪♪♪♪

[DING]

[DING]

Isn't this fun?

It's certainly red.

Oh, hell, yes!

Wait, you got one, too?

Great minds.

What the hell are you gonna do
with two pairs of lips?

BOTH: Make-out sesh!

[EXHALES SHARPLY]Ooh, your lips are so pillowy.

I'm never gonna
vacuum under you.

I wanna lay on you
all day and read.

I'm never gonna be okay again.BARRY: Mwah! Mwah!

Mwah!Why?