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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,117 --> 00:00:04,756 The county are moving the boundary line to exclude Royston Vasey. 2 00:00:04,882 --> 00:00:08,355 - Hello, Benjamin. - Oh, God. I'd forgotten. 3 00:00:08,580 --> 00:00:10,415 I want you to kill Cheryl for me. 4 00:00:10,541 --> 00:00:12,117 When do you need it done by? 5 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,151 You heard the woman, Tubbs. 6 00:00:17,956 --> 00:00:19,257 Get undressed. 7 00:00:19,919 --> 00:00:23,367 This programme contains some strong language. 8 00:00:23,493 --> 00:00:26,336 And the award for Best New Play goes to... 9 00:00:27,555 --> 00:00:31,833 Oliver Plimsolls for Harry Spotter And The Prisoner Of Acne Scar. 10 00:00:40,291 --> 00:00:42,524 Thank you. Thanks. 11 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,633 Issue-based children's theatre has for too long 12 00:00:47,759 --> 00:00:51,634 been the fat gay red-headed stepchild of the West End family. 13 00:00:51,818 --> 00:00:53,702 Which is an issue I explored in my previous play. 14 00:00:53,827 --> 00:00:55,490 Moobs, Lube And Ginger Pubes. 15 00:00:55,616 --> 00:00:59,200 Nominated for this award last year. Didn't win. Fine. Doesn't stop it being an issue. 16 00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:02,629 Who am I going to thank? Well, I'd like to thank me, 25 years ago, 17 00:01:02,755 --> 00:01:05,180 for creating Legz Akimbo Theatre Company. 18 00:01:05,415 --> 00:01:06,995 And I want to thank all the actors that came 19 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:09,235 and went along the way and used me as a stepping stone. 20 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,117 You taught me that I couldn't rely on or trust anyone. 21 00:01:12,243 --> 00:01:15,448 And if I wanted to be an award-winning writer, director, actor, producer... 22 00:01:15,573 --> 00:01:19,302 Let me speak! ..Then I had to do it for myself, which is what I have done. 23 00:01:19,827 --> 00:01:22,155 You've got your Year 9s, they're in the hall. 24 00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:24,574 Sorry. 25 00:01:25,815 --> 00:01:27,295 Thanks, Carole. 26 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,654 Save Royston Vasey! 27 00:01:36,300 --> 00:01:38,347 Our town is under threat. 28 00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:42,388 Come to the council meeting at 2 o'clock this afternoon. 29 00:01:42,514 --> 00:01:46,362 Free hot water. Tea bags can be purchased. 30 00:01:50,605 --> 00:01:53,834 Synced & corrected by minouhse www.addic7ed.com 31 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:57,235 Keep Royston Vasey on the map, 32 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,802 or burn in hell for all eternity. 33 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:07,440 Your town needs you. I need you. 34 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,224 It's time to stand up and be counted! 35 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:43,987 Actually, forget it. It's only council scum round here. Drive on. 36 00:02:48,596 --> 00:02:53,249 For many years we ran a shop much like this one, up on the moors. 37 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:56,192 Serving the needs of the local community. 38 00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,411 Then people like you came along. 39 00:02:59,537 --> 00:03:02,652 Upright pigs, teats down, six. 40 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:04,617 Our shop was destroyed. 41 00:03:04,771 --> 00:03:06,670 We were driven into the wild, 42 00:03:06,866 --> 00:03:10,606 walking the fields and hedgerows like beasts of burden. 43 00:03:11,043 --> 00:03:13,038 We narrowly escaped death 44 00:03:13,304 --> 00:03:16,726 when a locomotive train missed us by inches. 45 00:03:18,549 --> 00:03:22,043 And all in the name of progress. 46 00:03:22,541 --> 00:03:26,760 Well, history will not be repeated! 47 00:03:38,214 --> 00:03:40,018 - I want him out, Al. - I know love. 48 00:03:40,144 --> 00:03:41,189 Out! 49 00:03:42,846 --> 00:03:46,666 That is when I fought off all the Somali pirates single handed. 50 00:03:46,792 --> 00:03:48,835 They were like savages. Troglodytes. 51 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,178 Really? 52 00:03:50,991 --> 00:03:54,811 Somehow I managed to scramble my way to a desert island. 53 00:03:54,983 --> 00:03:57,021 There I make a good life for myself. 54 00:03:57,147 --> 00:03:59,155 Like the animals in Madagascar. 55 00:04:00,350 --> 00:04:02,631 But I miss you all very much. 56 00:04:03,846 --> 00:04:06,221 Very much indeed. 57 00:04:07,569 --> 00:04:11,381 And I understand why my boy Al tell everyone I am dead. 58 00:04:11,636 --> 00:04:14,079 Is too much for him to have hope in his heart. 59 00:04:14,205 --> 00:04:17,522 He always soppy. More like a girl than a boy. 60 00:04:17,971 --> 00:04:20,260 You know, he used to wear tiny little pants. 61 00:04:20,386 --> 00:04:21,588 Pop. 62 00:04:21,978 --> 00:04:24,744 I offer him my old long johns, underwear for a man, 63 00:04:24,870 --> 00:04:28,533 but no, he say, "I want to wear little tiny briefs like the other boys." 64 00:04:28,659 --> 00:04:30,134 Like little knickers. 65 00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:31,924 So, how long are you staying? 66 00:04:33,275 --> 00:04:35,270 Just a few days or months. 67 00:04:35,396 --> 00:04:37,174 Until I am back on my feet. 68 00:04:37,765 --> 00:04:39,880 And how nice it will be! 69 00:04:40,362 --> 00:04:43,375 My son has two beautiful daughters. 70 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,913 Grandpop has been away for too long. 71 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,235 You look very well, Grandpop. 72 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,795 You'd think you'd lose weight on a desert island. 73 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,001 There was a lot of coconuts. 74 00:04:56,027 --> 00:04:57,467 Cheers! 75 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,715 - Hello? - Yeah, Geoff, it's me. 76 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,369 Who? I don't know how to put names in my phone. 77 00:05:11,495 --> 00:05:12,770 Mike! 78 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:15,825 - Are you all set up for tonight? - What about? 79 00:05:16,068 --> 00:05:17,848 What we said! Cheryl! 80 00:05:17,974 --> 00:05:20,754 Yes, I'm dealing with it, don't worry. 81 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,915 I'm a professional. I was in the SAS for six years. 82 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,720 - What, you mean the TAs? - Same thing, it's all just 83 00:05:26,846 --> 00:05:29,805 - putting green on your face, isn't it? - You will do it... 84 00:05:31,266 --> 00:05:34,315 - ..humanely, won't you? - Of course! 85 00:05:34,766 --> 00:05:38,378 Now, will you let me get on with it, please? I'd appreciate a bit of trust. 86 00:05:41,282 --> 00:05:44,019 Excuse me, would this kill a fat woman tonight? 87 00:05:50,066 --> 00:05:51,932 How are we doing, all right? 88 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,685 Who wants to win a bit of money? 89 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:03,939 Right, you all got your dabbers? 90 00:06:04,449 --> 00:06:06,329 Eyes down for a full house. 91 00:06:09,842 --> 00:06:12,017 Key of the door. 21. 92 00:06:12,826 --> 00:06:15,219 Gandhi's breakfast. 80. 93 00:06:16,447 --> 00:06:19,047 Two fat ladies. 88. 94 00:06:19,826 --> 00:06:22,181 My friend Cream wouldn't approve of that. 95 00:06:22,376 --> 00:06:24,790 Funny name, I know. He were a Thai lad. 96 00:06:24,916 --> 00:06:28,872 He said I were... What d'ya call it? Unreconstructed. 97 00:06:28,998 --> 00:06:31,235 Set in me ways. I said, "Of course I am! 98 00:06:31,361 --> 00:06:35,416 "70-odd with an angry prostate and me waterworks shot, what do you expect?" 99 00:06:37,621 --> 00:06:39,754 Out in the sticks. 86. 100 00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:44,407 Duck and dive. 25! 101 00:06:45,019 --> 00:06:48,199 Udon Thani. That's where we met. Thailand. 102 00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:50,800 Sweltering, it were. Like Tenko. 103 00:06:52,140 --> 00:06:56,585 I'd not... Never had anyone close, like. 104 00:06:56,711 --> 00:06:58,106 Not properly. 105 00:07:00,116 --> 00:07:02,280 Never been kissed. 26. 106 00:07:03,422 --> 00:07:07,259 Had a bit of money, though, after Dad went, so I thought, "Why not?" 107 00:07:07,627 --> 00:07:09,111 You hear about these fellas, don't you? 108 00:07:09,237 --> 00:07:12,267 Going out to foreign climes, coming back with... 109 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,056 Dirty Gertie. Number 30! 110 00:07:15,439 --> 00:07:19,875 I suppose I've always known I fancied something a bit different. 111 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,260 A bit extra. 112 00:07:21,386 --> 00:07:22,741 A bit... 113 00:07:23,455 --> 00:07:25,299 Danny La Rue. 52. 114 00:07:26,955 --> 00:07:30,748 There were a bar. Naki-Naki-Nak-Naks. 115 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:34,395 All coloured light bulbs, like Peasholm Park. 116 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,640 But without the miniature sea battles. 117 00:07:37,468 --> 00:07:39,543 All these lads done up as lasses. 118 00:07:39,669 --> 00:07:41,664 Amazing. Really quite beautiful. 119 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,280 Titties with tassels and everything. 120 00:07:45,134 --> 00:07:48,209 Some of them doing things what it's not nice to talk about. 121 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,600 Cracking open beer bottles with their whatsits. 122 00:07:52,179 --> 00:07:55,128 The ones that have, you know, had the op. 123 00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:58,530 Firing ping-pong balls, some of them. 124 00:07:59,415 --> 00:08:02,948 Reminded me of the old bingo balls, in a funny way, but... 125 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,129 ..I kept me eyes down. 126 00:08:08,002 --> 00:08:09,205 And suddenly, 127 00:08:09,955 --> 00:08:11,284 there he is. 128 00:08:11,923 --> 00:08:13,186 Cream. 129 00:08:14,666 --> 00:08:16,837 Me and you. Number 2? 130 00:08:18,697 --> 00:08:20,520 Cup of tea. Number 3. 131 00:08:22,296 --> 00:08:24,229 I didn't think he were that bothered, 132 00:08:24,355 --> 00:08:26,380 but when I got back to my hotel room... 133 00:08:27,021 --> 00:08:28,958 Knock at the door. 24! 134 00:08:29,402 --> 00:08:31,075 ..turns out he'd followed me back. 135 00:08:31,686 --> 00:08:32,964 Cream. 136 00:08:35,416 --> 00:08:36,830 Legs. 11. 137 00:08:39,242 --> 00:08:40,994 Legs... 11. 138 00:08:43,132 --> 00:08:44,345 Next morning... 139 00:08:44,580 --> 00:08:46,311 Rise and shine. 29! 140 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,360 I asked him to come back. To live with me, back here. 141 00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:52,575 And he said yes. 142 00:08:53,571 --> 00:08:55,628 And you know what, for a bit... 143 00:08:56,118 --> 00:08:57,930 Tickety-boo. 62. 144 00:09:00,567 --> 00:09:02,078 Man alive. Number 5. 145 00:09:04,790 --> 00:09:07,503 Then one day Cream said he wanted to go the whole hog. 146 00:09:07,629 --> 00:09:10,869 You know, have it off - his whatsit. 147 00:09:13,132 --> 00:09:14,374 Doctor's orders. 148 00:09:15,015 --> 00:09:16,245 Number 9. 149 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:21,162 He wanted to be what he called "a proper wife" to me. 150 00:09:22,907 --> 00:09:24,234 So, in he went. 151 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:28,320 Then he took bad. 152 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,475 I don't see why they can't keep hospitals clean. 153 00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:35,554 Never used to be a problem. 154 00:09:36,879 --> 00:09:40,067 My Auntie Sheila was feared like Himmler on her ward. 155 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,521 Suddenly, one afternoon... 156 00:09:46,463 --> 00:09:47,784 Heaven's gate. 157 00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:50,313 78. 158 00:09:55,508 --> 00:09:56,708 On its own... 159 00:10:00,181 --> 00:10:01,541 On its own... 160 00:10:02,966 --> 00:10:04,491 ..number one. 161 00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:17,102 OK, Year 9, settle down. 162 00:10:17,323 --> 00:10:20,525 Now, today we are going to be looking at Commedia dell'Arte, 163 00:10:20,651 --> 00:10:22,600 so I want everyone find a partner. 164 00:10:22,810 --> 00:10:25,518 Sir, didn't you used to be an actor? 165 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,035 - What's that, Jamilla? - Before you were a teacher, 166 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,395 I swear you used to have a theatre company or something? 167 00:10:30,617 --> 00:10:34,156 Er, yeah. Back in the mists of time, I did. 168 00:10:34,282 --> 00:10:37,270 There were three of us. Me, Dave, Phil... 169 00:10:37,396 --> 00:10:40,603 - Phil Proctor?! - Yes, Phil Proctor off the telly. 170 00:10:40,729 --> 00:10:44,236 We used to visit schools like this and meet kids like you, 171 00:10:44,362 --> 00:10:48,235 and perform issue-based plays on stages like this... 172 00:10:51,434 --> 00:10:52,715 Wh...? 173 00:10:55,239 --> 00:10:57,835 - What's going on? - Ask this lot. 174 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,155 I got a fan letter from one of your students saying 175 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,707 that their favourite teacher was about to retire, 176 00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:05,142 could we come and do a special performance. 177 00:11:05,268 --> 00:11:06,543 So, here we are! 178 00:11:06,812 --> 00:11:10,487 - Go on, sir! - We want to see you acting! 179 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,675 Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! 180 00:11:14,224 --> 00:11:15,464 Come on! 181 00:11:19,065 --> 00:11:20,340 Sod it. 182 00:11:23,484 --> 00:11:25,034 So, what are we going to do? 183 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,156 Well, we thought we'd do one of your best, Ollie. 184 00:11:27,282 --> 00:11:29,997 Perve Swerve. A play about stranger-danger. 185 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,355 But it's been so long, I need time to prepare. 186 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:33,680 I'm ready. CHEERING. 187 00:11:36,812 --> 00:11:39,951 Soon you'll be free, death will end. 188 00:11:40,077 --> 00:11:42,795 We'll pull you back through the great U-bend. 189 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,595 The dead can't hoover, can't sweep a brush. 190 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,419 Or refill a cistern with bright blue flush... 191 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,040 What...? 192 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,955 What am I doing down here. Why...? 193 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:56,835 Why am I so sleepy? 194 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,715 The cake you ate last night was laced with 195 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,475 an extract from the skin of this toad. 196 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:03,989 Bufo Alvarius. 197 00:12:04,772 --> 00:12:06,647 It has a psychotropic effect. 198 00:12:06,773 --> 00:12:10,161 Your consciousness must be fluid for what is to follow. 199 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:12,589 What do you mean? 200 00:12:17,180 --> 00:12:18,700 Uncle Harvey! 201 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,960 I thought... He was dead. 202 00:12:24,206 --> 00:12:25,881 A living death. 203 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,755 Preserved at the point of the soul's departure. 204 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:33,795 His every bodily fluid replaced with an embalming tincture of his own devising. 205 00:12:34,007 --> 00:12:37,395 I can't tell you how happy he was, knowing that he was finally 206 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,439 going to be free of the curse of his own semen. 207 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:42,722 But why? 208 00:12:42,848 --> 00:12:45,875 His body might have failed, but he need not. 209 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:50,800 We need only a host, Benjamin, and Harvey's soul can live on. 210 00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:54,755 - A host? - A willing vessel. 211 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,475 - A member of the family. - An ancient ceremony. 212 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,903 The girls do love their books. 213 00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:09,651 What... What are they doing? 214 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:14,702 No! 215 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,526 No! Ah! 216 00:13:17,652 --> 00:13:19,012 Let us begin. 217 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,435 Now, tensions are going to be running high, 218 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,795 so it's important to strike the right tone. 219 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,235 Don't teach your grandmother how to suck cocks, Murray. 220 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:38,755 I'm very good with big crowds. 221 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,213 On Black Friday I elbowed this lass in the throat, 222 00:13:41,339 --> 00:13:42,955 got myself a 50-inch Samsung. 223 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:44,795 This town's future hangs in the balance. 224 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,618 There's nothing people care more passionately about than their own community. 225 00:13:50,918 --> 00:13:52,198 You were saying? 226 00:13:55,340 --> 00:13:56,540 Come on. 227 00:14:09,794 --> 00:14:10,994 Map. 228 00:14:19,405 --> 00:14:20,705 Ooh! 229 00:14:27,150 --> 00:14:30,240 What are you doing?! Come out of there! 230 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:34,607 If my husband sees you, I... 231 00:14:37,942 --> 00:14:39,977 Edward, Edward! 232 00:14:40,103 --> 00:14:42,640 I've been catched in the tephelome! 233 00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:46,881 Let me out! 234 00:14:47,151 --> 00:14:49,051 Look, Edward! 235 00:14:49,386 --> 00:14:52,701 Quiet, Tubbs! I'm teaching the No-Tails a lesson. 236 00:14:52,861 --> 00:14:55,314 Our business is our business. 237 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,515 We keep our noses out of other people's affairs. 238 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,869 We would invite you to extend us the same courtesy... 239 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,395 'Time to become local.' 240 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,360 Jesus. Where did you get this from? 241 00:15:10,486 --> 00:15:11,875 'That's better!' 242 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,355 One of the hostages. Works for the Chronicle. It came from her phone. 243 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:18,675 'We will not be defeated by your petty meddling. 244 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,705 'This is a local shop for local people! 245 00:15:21,913 --> 00:15:24,777 'It's time we took back control!' 246 00:15:24,931 --> 00:15:28,337 And I'm making an executive decision. We need to get a crew down there now. 247 00:15:28,463 --> 00:15:30,648 'What are you doing? Turn that off.' 248 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:39,235 # Hi, my name is Johnny Smith. 249 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,868 # I'm just 14. And I'm strutting my stuff. 250 00:15:41,994 --> 00:15:44,675 # I like to rap I don't like school. 251 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,138 # Too many teachers. Too many rules. 252 00:15:47,264 --> 00:15:49,656 # My dad and mum say... Stay out of the park! 253 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:52,075 # Especially at night. When it's getting dark. 254 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,635 # But I don't care. Respect I lack. 255 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:56,955 # It's light anyway. Cos the clocks have gone back. 256 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,755 # I'll ignore their warning. Cos that's my style. 257 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,751 ♪ I've never even heard of a... Paedophile! ♪ 258 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:09,560 Step over it. Right... 259 00:16:13,470 --> 00:16:17,345 Double maths today. Boring! What's that noise...? 260 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:22,454 'Ere, little boy. Why don't you come back to my house? 261 00:16:22,883 --> 00:16:26,075 I got the latest PlayStation game all set up. 262 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,134 Cool! You got a spare joystick? 263 00:16:28,260 --> 00:16:31,155 Yes. And you can play with it. 264 00:16:31,578 --> 00:16:35,734 I'm not sure. Mum said not to. Oh, choices, choices. 265 00:16:36,623 --> 00:16:39,863 I feel like I'm on some sort of TV game show! 266 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:42,819 Hi, there! 267 00:16:43,786 --> 00:16:45,770 Hi, there! My name's Cheesy Host, 268 00:16:45,896 --> 00:16:48,155 and welcome to another edition of Safe Choices. 269 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,475 Johnny Smith, your time starts now. 270 00:16:51,137 --> 00:16:52,457 Over there. 271 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,023 Question one. Ddo you know the man you are about to go off with? 272 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:56,943 - No. - Correct. 273 00:16:57,069 --> 00:16:59,595 Does he have any identification, such as a current utility bill? 274 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:00,685 - No! - Correct. 275 00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:03,355 Is he wearing nice shoes or other signs he isn't a deviant? 276 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:04,675 - No! - Correct. 277 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,247 And here's your big money choice. Take your time. 278 00:17:06,373 --> 00:17:07,793 Do you want to go off with the stranger, 279 00:17:07,919 --> 00:17:10,536 or stay safe in the studio? It's up to you. 280 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,411 I'll stay safe, innit? 281 00:17:12,537 --> 00:17:15,874 Is the correct answer! What's he won, Susie? 282 00:17:17,176 --> 00:17:20,035 He's won a lifetime's supply of common sense! 283 00:17:20,629 --> 00:17:22,075 Would you like to come back to my dressing room 284 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,115 - and I'll give you an autograph. - Yes, please! 285 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:25,715 Stop! 286 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:30,655 Just because he's well dressed and plausible doesn't mean to say he isn't a dangerous predator also. 287 00:17:30,820 --> 00:17:33,224 Come with me, son, I'll take you home. 288 00:17:33,350 --> 00:17:36,545 Thanks, Dad. I'll try and make better choices in future. 289 00:17:36,699 --> 00:17:37,654 Stop! 290 00:17:37,780 --> 00:17:41,479 Didn't you know that 75% of all sexual predators are family members? 291 00:17:41,605 --> 00:17:43,720 Oh, no! Rewind! 292 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:51,435 # I won't go with the man In the dirty mac. 293 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,995 Or the man in the suit with his hair slicked back 294 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,275 # Put a lock on your door So your dad can't get in. 295 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,515 # Is your grandad's coming round? I wouldn't trust him. 296 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:01,075 # If you want to stay safe and have a bright future. 297 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:03,835 ♪ Make friends in a chatroom on a computer. ♪ 298 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,320 Boom! 299 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:14,115 Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! 300 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,235 God, I've missed this. 301 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,844 Why don't we get back on the road again? Reform Legz Akimbo. 302 00:18:17,970 --> 00:18:19,654 - What do you mean? - Think about it. 303 00:18:19,780 --> 00:18:22,115 There are so many new issues to do plays about now. 304 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,107 Exactly! And I've never stopped writing them! 305 00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:27,794 Suck It And See, a play about revenge porn. Slit Face, a play about burqas. 306 00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,539 It's all there, ready to roll out. It's what I've been waiting for! 307 00:18:30,665 --> 00:18:32,745 All these years, wasted in this dead end job. 308 00:18:32,923 --> 00:18:35,163 Ollie... - It's like I've finally woken up. 309 00:18:36,148 --> 00:18:37,915 Oh, hang on. 310 00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:39,776 This is still a dream, isn't it? 311 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:46,733 Ollie! 312 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:48,757 Oh, no. 313 00:18:49,143 --> 00:18:51,378 You've got your Year 9s. They're in the hall. 314 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,120 Sorry. 315 00:18:54,205 --> 00:18:55,525 Thanks, Carole. 316 00:19:14,848 --> 00:19:16,675 OK, Year 9, settle down. 317 00:19:16,801 --> 00:19:18,607 Fuck off, you sad wanker! 318 00:19:24,438 --> 00:19:25,678 Great. 319 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,541 - All right, Geoff? - All right? 320 00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:07,345 - See you down Palatine later? - Yeah, maybe. 321 00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:09,898 Fuck's sake. 322 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:17,720 Oof! 323 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:27,760 Matter with it? 324 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,440 - Geoff! - Shit. 325 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,365 Just wondering if you want me to get you that pint in? 326 00:21:43,824 --> 00:21:46,211 - Nah, you're all right, Eddie. - Sure? 327 00:21:46,740 --> 00:21:49,249 - Yeah. - See you later, then. 328 00:21:49,886 --> 00:21:51,406 See you later. 329 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,000 WD-40 on that. 330 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,581 So, when did you get released, then, Pop? 331 00:22:42,707 --> 00:22:44,994 I get time off for good behaviour. 332 00:22:45,367 --> 00:22:48,722 21 years. Ridiculous! For a lousy pyramid scheme. 333 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,755 You killed a man with your bare hands. 334 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,940 Yeah, for not paying what he owed under the pyramid scheme. 335 00:22:54,590 --> 00:22:56,134 What do you want here? 336 00:22:59,601 --> 00:23:02,009 I need you to tell me where Richie is. 337 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:05,338 - No. - I know what he is doing. 338 00:23:05,464 --> 00:23:07,234 It was 15 years ago, let it go, Pop. 339 00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:09,355 He is still my son. 340 00:23:09,549 --> 00:23:11,246 I won't do it! 341 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:13,915 - Good night, Grandpop. - Good night, Grandpop. 342 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,260 Hey, girls, I almost forgot. 343 00:23:16,439 --> 00:23:19,045 I got presents for the both of yous. 344 00:23:22,778 --> 00:23:24,194 And for you, Maisie... 345 00:23:24,793 --> 00:23:25,993 See? 346 00:23:26,996 --> 00:23:28,196 Beautiful! 347 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:33,487 Perhaps tomorrow you would like me to take you swimming, eh? 348 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,696 Unless of course your daddy has other plans for me? 349 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:43,795 Good. 350 00:23:44,206 --> 00:23:46,203 Come inside, it's cold. 351 00:23:46,706 --> 00:23:49,241 Who wants to get some piercings done, eh? 352 00:23:50,152 --> 00:23:51,411 Grandpop will pay. 353 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,242 Are you watching your cats? 354 00:23:58,368 --> 00:24:01,843 No, some nutters have taken hostages, apparently. 355 00:24:02,393 --> 00:24:05,588 'The couple who are holding them are a local couple...' 356 00:24:05,714 --> 00:24:08,501 Eh, look at them. Bloody rubber-neckers. 357 00:24:08,744 --> 00:24:11,595 Where were they this afternoon when we needed them? 358 00:24:11,928 --> 00:24:14,088 But they're there now, Murray. 359 00:24:14,935 --> 00:24:16,135 They're there now. 360 00:24:17,305 --> 00:24:19,232 A gift from God. 361 00:24:24,954 --> 00:24:26,154 Geoff? 362 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:30,244 The purple mongoose has vacated its habitat. 363 00:24:30,370 --> 00:24:31,570 What? 364 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:35,475 The... hippopotamus is... 365 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:37,941 dead. She's dead, I've smothered her. 366 00:24:38,067 --> 00:24:39,400 Oh, God. 367 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:42,795 Did she suffer? 368 00:24:43,510 --> 00:24:45,489 Well, as much as anyone does if they're being murdered. 369 00:24:45,615 --> 00:24:46,855 It wasn't murder! 370 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,029 It was a mercy killing. 371 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,515 - She had no life. - Yeah, you explained all that. 372 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:56,067 She won't suffer any more, and neither will you. 373 00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:00,204 Thank you, Geoff. And it will look like natural causes? 374 00:25:00,330 --> 00:25:02,115 No, I left the cushion stuffed in her mouth! 375 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:03,673 Credit me with some sense, Mike. 376 00:25:04,130 --> 00:25:06,247 - I'm not an idiot. - Sorry. 377 00:25:06,665 --> 00:25:09,165 I have to say, though, she didn't seem as big as you made out. 378 00:25:09,390 --> 00:25:10,835 What do you mean? 379 00:25:11,335 --> 00:25:14,560 Well, I felt a bit bad. I mean, she was only what I'd call plump. 380 00:25:14,769 --> 00:25:17,115 She could have easily got up and down them stairs if she'd wanted to. 381 00:25:17,318 --> 00:25:19,398 What stairs, we live in a bungalow! 382 00:25:20,793 --> 00:25:22,720 - Eh? - Geoff, 383 00:25:22,898 --> 00:25:25,046 you do know we moved four years ago? 384 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,875 Yeah, you see, what's happened here is, 385 00:25:31,505 --> 00:25:33,035 I've gone to the wrong house. 386 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:34,547 I sent you an e-mail! 387 00:25:34,673 --> 00:25:37,627 Well, I can't open them, can I? I've only got Windows '95! 388 00:25:37,753 --> 00:25:39,565 Geoff, what have you done? 389 00:25:41,452 --> 00:25:43,645 You know who we sold that house to, don't you? 390 00:25:43,771 --> 00:25:45,491 No, who? 391 00:25:53,952 --> 00:25:56,348 Pauline, I'm home! 392 00:26:14,163 --> 00:26:15,463 Pauline! 393 00:26:17,922 --> 00:26:19,222 Pauline? 394 00:26:23,789 --> 00:26:25,089 Pauline! 395 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:28,260 Pauline! 396 00:26:32,577 --> 00:26:33,877 Pauline! 397 00:26:43,930 --> 00:26:48,445 The citizens of Royston Vasey do care about their town, passionately. 398 00:26:48,726 --> 00:26:52,506 And when pushed too far they will resort to extreme measures, 399 00:26:52,632 --> 00:26:55,514 like that film about the girl who couldn't afford Tampax. What was it, Murray? 400 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:57,950 - I, Daniel Blake. - I, Daniel Blake, exactly. 401 00:26:58,076 --> 00:26:59,276 Look, Edward! 402 00:27:00,638 --> 00:27:02,334 We oppose these boundary changes 403 00:27:02,460 --> 00:27:04,721 and we demand action, don't we, folks? 404 00:27:04,847 --> 00:27:06,587 Yeah! Action! 405 00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:08,601 Fucking sheep. 406 00:27:08,767 --> 00:27:11,168 They must have heard there's a sale on. 407 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,381 - We pass you to him. - We pass him to you. 408 00:27:21,507 --> 00:27:23,395 - We pass you to him. - We pass him to you. 409 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:25,165 This is madness. 410 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,035 Madness! 411 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,355 - We pass you to him. - We pass him to you. 412 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:31,355 - We pass you to him. We pass him to you. 413 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,355 - We pass you to him. - We pass him to you. 414 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:34,780 No. 415 00:27:35,229 --> 00:27:36,529 No! 416 00:27:43,963 --> 00:27:45,263 We pass him... 417 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:51,540 Benjamin? 418 00:27:57,323 --> 00:27:58,919 In this house, 419 00:28:00,114 --> 00:28:01,671 we don't die. 420 00:28:08,827 --> 00:28:13,427 Synced & corrected by minouhse www.addic7ed.com 31531

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