All language subtitles for The Larry Sanders Show s02e12 Larrys Birthday.eng

♪ Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday,
Mr. President ♪

Mr. President?

Should I say Larry?
Yeah, why don't you just say Larry?

Has anyone else done this
idea yet?

Only JoJo
in the commissary.

Can I take some time
to think about it, please?

Okay.

Happy birthday, Larry.

Um, I just want
to say that you,

above all are the man,
myth, legend.

The man who makes
all things happen.

Easy.

Um...

what were you doing
with that video camera a little earlier?

Um, the insurance people

wanted a visual inventory
of the office property.

Uh-huh.
Well, listen, you know,

I, I, I know that
everyone wants

to make my birthday
special and everything--

No, not this year,
I promise.

Okay, good, because
you know, I, I, I--

my birthday is depressing
enough as it is and I--

good intentions aside,

I think it never
comes out right.

Fine, not this year.

Don't try to do
something special.

Not this year.
Good, so you'll make sure.

Yes, fine.
Okay.

And let's not even open
the cards this year.

Fine.
Have there been many?

Have they been coming in?

Okay, good, never mind.

I, I, I really don't
want to do this.

Um, nobody is
even thinking about your birthday, Larry.

Good.

Happy birthday, Larry,
I really mean that.

What is your
real age anyway?

'Cause and while
you're at it,

why don't you give me
your real weight because-- Make it saucy.

for a 55-year-old guy
you look a little heavy.

Uh, but, no, the main
thing is, is that

this is your special day
so enjoy.

Ah, sounded almost sincere.

Well you can't fake
feelings like that.

What the hell is that?
Who is that guy?

That's, ah, well,
Mike Patterson,

the guy that wrote
Larry's stuff in the American Music Awards.

That wasn't bad.
It sucked, man.

I wrote with him
on the Tonys in '88, remember?

He spent the whole time
kissing Joel Grey's ass.

Is this the right
placement, Ed, huh?

This mic? Okay.

A little too
delicate for Larry?

Uh, Artie, what's the deal
with Make Patterson?

Mike Patterson.
He's a very funny guy,

a lot of great ideas.

Larry and I think
he'll make a delightful

addition to our staff.

I didn't know
we were in the market

for a delightful
addition to our staff.

Well the fact is Larry's
wanted Mike for ages

but he didn't
want to move to LA.

What finally convinced him,
the quality of our riots?

Ha! As usual,

I'd like to more of
that humor on the page.

You know, Artie,
Phil and I have developed

a certain kind of rhythm
working together.

As a bonus, I hear Mike's
a fun guy to have in the room.

Meaning what,
he likes practical jokes?

Sure, you know, the old
thumb tack on the chair,

peanut butter in the wallet.

Whatever the fuck you guys
are always giggling about.

Ed, let's test this mic
over here.

Okay, mashed potatoes,

mashed potatoes,
all right, you got it?

All right, take a break.
You know, Artie,

I'm glad that
we had this dialog

because it's important
that we all agree

that Mike's
the right thing to do,

'cause you know there's
a certain kind of rhythm,

you know,
that we have going--

A delicate balance,
you would say?

A delicate balance, yeah.
Right.

Well, I'm so glad you're glad

because Mike will be here
in half an hour.

When you think about it,
man, my option

is up in a month, right?

It's no coincidence they're
bringing this guy in.

Your option's up in a month?

Yeah, when is your option up?

In a week.
Right there.

Guys?

I just want to make sure that
neither of you are giving Larry

the same present that I am.

Shetland pony?

Hey, you're not smarting
off to me again, are you?

No.
Oh.

I'm sorry. I am giving Larry
this beautiful gold bracelet.

You're not giving him jewelry
of any kind, is that right?

You wanna
give him this, Hank?

Yeah, why, it's beautiful.
I mean, I'd buy it for myself

if I had the money.

It, you know, it just
looks like something,

I don't know like
Sammy Davis Jr. would have worn.

Oh, thanks.
What are you guys getting him?

Uh...
I'm getting him a 1957

Mickey Mantle
autographed baseball.

Oh my, that's perfect!

That's per--
ah, you win!

I mean, oh,
Larry loves baseball.

I thought, I thought
we were gonna get him

gag gifts this year?

Oh!

Um,you guys know any other
baseball players

Larry really, really likes?

You guys hear me?
Well, get back to me on it.

Fuck, I bought Larry
plastic vomit.

I should get him something
really good, shouldn't I?

Only if it comes
from the heart.

Guys, this is, uh,
Mike Patterson.

Hey, how's it going? Hi.
Phil.

Mike. Hey.
Good to see you.

So what, uh, how do you
like it so far, Mike?

Oh, it's, it's,
it's really great.

But, you know, where
do you guys park?

Because I am parked by
the American Gladiator set

and, I mean, I'm pretty sure
I parked in Nitro's space,

you know, I'm just--
I mean, not that it matters.

He'll probably just pick
the car up and move it.

Come on, let me show you,
uh, the rest of what

I sadly call my family.

Oh, sure, okay.

Um, seriously, is there
any spots available?

I'm sure one will be
opening up very soon.

Oh, okay, great.
See ya.

Did you see that?
Larry can hardly even look at me?

I know. I saw it.
It wasn't my imagination?

I don't think so.
Oh shit!

(knock on door)

Well, how goes it,
birthday boy?

Oh geez, please, Artie.

Oh damn it.
I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry to remind you
of the important decision to make.

As you know, we can't afford
to keep all of the writers

since we brought in
the great Mike Patterson.

I know, I know.

Larry, you can no
longer put this off,

so you want me to tell them?

Well look, why don't we, uh,
(clears throat)

can we wait a while and see
how they all work out together?

Just want to throw them
all in the cage together

and see who survives?

That, that would be up to you.

Okay.

Chip?
Yeah.

I have no idea
what to get Larry.

Well, you know, he likes
electronic gadgets.

Right, thanks, Bev.

Oh, there you are!
There's a special delivery

from O'Malley's liquor.
Oh, wunderbar!

It's Larry's birthday present.
Is he in?

Oh no, no, you don't
have to worry about him.

He's showing Mike around.

Arthur,
let me ask you something.

Why do you get Larry the same
bottle of booze every year?

My dear, I'd hardly
call Cognac booze.

Louis XIII is much,
much more than Cognac.

Oh, Larry loves the stuff.

Well after four sips
he fell asleep at the Christmas party.

Exactly, that's what
Larry likes to do.

Sign right here, sir.

What the hell is this?

Including a $5
rush delivery, it's $32.12.

Excuse me?
$32.12.

There's been a mistake.
I ordered Louis XIII.

A fifth of Grand Orsage
is $27.

Grand Osage?
Larry doesn't drink that shit.

It's like hot piss.
I ordered Louis XIII.

Okay, they gave Julio Gallo
a very nice funeral.

The only problem was
when it was time to close the casket,

nobody could find the cork.

Well how about, uh, the eulogy
was subtle but fruity.

No, that's bad.
Phil--

Where are the six jokes
that I wrote for this?

No, I ordered that bottle
of Cognac over a month ago.

Monday is too late.
I need it today.

Well why not?
Ah! Well, thank you

but that information is
absolutely useless.

Artie, can I talk to you
for a second.

Why not.

Uh, I don't want
to cross a line

but Phil and I are having
a hard time working with Mike.

What's the problem?
What-- what isn't the problem?

It's his first day.
Give it time.

I know that but, uh--

it's obvious the guy is not
gonna work out, okay?

And I know that Phil's option
is up in a week, okay?

And I just don't think
it's fair that you--

Jerry, we only
brought Mike in

to take some pressure
off of you,

so your work
might be better.

I think our work is fine.

I'm taking about you,
your work, Jerry's work. Excuse me.

Hey, Roddy, how's
the beautiful Valerie?

Look, if Larry had a problem
with my work, why didn't he say something, you know?

I mean, why the fuck do
I have to hear this from you?

Goddamn you.

Look, your behavior has been
consistently unprofessional.

You come in late,
you take naps in your office,

you pick girls out
in the audience line up and ask for their numbers.

And you have fucked
at least three interns

that I know about,
one right out there behind the fucking desk.

You'd have to be a genius to get
away with that kind of stuff.

So...

Well, you're not getting away
with it, Jerry.

Wait a minute,
what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

You want me to
spell it out for you?

Yeah.

Our budget can't
support one more writer.

Oh, my god,
it's me.

That's right.
Don't sweat it, kiddo.

It's a good deal.
You're getting fired--

they have to pay
you for a month.

Man:
...three, two...

Artie?
Don't come out here.

♪ ♪

Hank:
Live on tape from Hollywood, The Larry Sanders Show.

Tonight join Larry
and his guests...

Great, so everyone,
this is gonna be fine.

Just do it in black ink.
Hank?

That's a beautiful bracelet.

Oh, thanks, you like it?

Is that supposed
to be for Larry?

No, no, no, I just fell in
love with this beauty

so I, I treated myself
because I deserve it.

But I got the perfect gift
for Larry so if I were you,

I'd get him
something very special.

Goodbye, Hank.
Bye, see you tomorrow.

No, I won't be in tomorrow.
Friday then.

Who wants to go
to The Smoke House and get fuckin' hammered?

All right,
I am in.

Larry's birthday, right?
Is Larry coming?

Oh no, no, no.
Look at this, oh, c'mon.

Who got him that exercise bike?

That's the network's
gift to Larry.

Oh, that is so unfair.

The network owns the company
that makes those.

The cost to them is nothing.

Do you know anything
about baseball players?

Uh, how's the lighting?

I'm worried that
the one spotlight makes me look insane.

You know Jerry
just got fired?

Oh, my god,
no, that's terrible.

Jerry? I thought
he was doing a good job.

Oh, Larry in one of
his pissy moods?

Uh, Hank?
Yes?

Could you just say
"happy birthday"?

Sure.
(clears throat)

You know,
I ll never forget the--

take over, take over,
okay, all right?

And if I start to cry,
you just keep it rolling.

I ll never forget the night we
had Clint Eastwood on this show,

big star.

Walks out, sits down,
doesn't shake my hand.

You know,
I'll never forget this.

You know what Larry did?
He said, "Clint, do you know Hank?"

And do you know what
that simple gesture did?

It just made my day.

Happy Birthday, buddy.

You get it? Good.
Yes.

Doesn't help
when that's upside down.

I'm sorry, Hank,
but, you know, you didn't say, "big, big star."

Yes, I did, I said--
I said "big, big star."

No, you said "big star."

Oh well,
we gotta take it again, I'm sorry.

Beverly, we--
Oh.

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, Jerry.

How about that
Denny's bit I had?

You know, Larry
walks into a Denny's,

asks for a birthday meal.

Boy, that--
that sounds good, Jer.

You know, I was actually
in Wendell's this morning

around 4 o'clock
having breakfast,

some guy offered to blow me
for three bucks.

What did you do?
Jerry, what did you do?

Well I give the guy three bucks.
He looked like he could use it.

But, but what did he do, Jerry?

Hey, is someone gonna take
our lunch order or what?

You know, uh,
I'll check.

Great, thanks.

Jerry, what are you doing?

I'm working.

Well, listen,
didn't you like leave the show yesterday?

Yeah, you know, we can--
everyone gets weird, okay.

Everything is cool.
Okay, yeah.

So, right,
everything is cool.

Hey, man, will you
come outside with me because I--

Want to work outside?
Please, yeah.

All right.
Yeah, bring all your stuff.

Okay, you sure?
Yeah.

Hey, you know,
what do you think about that birthday thing?

I think it's great.
It's good because you thought it was funny before.

You know, because
you know he only eats egg whites.

It's funny though.
Let's take the stairs.

But you have no marks
on your face.

You don't look like
one of those fighters

who's been
through the mill.

You're, if I may say,
a very good-looking man.

(audience laughing)

What you--
(laughing continues)

Now is that because
you really didn't get--

you really didn't get
hit in the face that much.

Now hold it, hold it.
So let me, so, so let me--

Man:
Hey, Joe, what'd you get him for his birthday?

Joe:
A book about dogs.

What the fuck?

I heard that he likes dogs.

Where the fuck
did you hear that?

I read it somewhere.

How about you, Jim?

[indistinct]

Larry:
And, uh, is it out now or coming out?

It will be out.
Roughly when?

(audience laughing)

Have you shot it yet?

It's done.
It's a done deal.

Okay, but have you done--
but are you in the video?

It's my video.
(audience laughing)

Okay, so I'm
a little slow, all right.

What I'm saying is have you,
have you made the video yet?

Have you been in
the studio and done it?

Now here's what I'm saying,
you say it's not out yet,

you know, don't get me angry.

(audience laughter, applause)

This conversation is not unlike
what it must be to fight you,

because you feel like--
you know, you're surprising me

and it's and I'm not that kind--
I'm doing the best I can,

but what I'm saying is
the video is not out in the stores yet, right.

But is the video,
have you made the video?

Let me walk you through this.
All right.

(audience laughter)

The video is done.
The video's done!

Yes. But it's not out yet.
All right.

Yeah, that's all,
I didn't hear you say

and if you did,
I apologize.

I didn't hear you
say it was done. August.

Those are,
those are sissy shoes.

(audience laughter)

Man:
What you should get him is a new tie.

Would you look at that thing?

Artie:
Knock that shit off, you guys.

Sorry, Artie.
Artie: Listen, I picked that

fucking goddamn
tie out myself.

Which one of you guys has got
a problem with that?

Larry:
You, you are you doing something...

Artie:
That's what I thought.

(audience applause)

There's another thing
I want to ask you.

And you know that when
I touch you it's not because you're good-looking.

Now...
(audience applause)

You, you,
are you doing something for Nintendo as well?

You're developing a game,
is that right?

I didn't produce that.

You what?
I didn't produce that.

I'm in, okay,
what's coming out Electro Brain is--

they put together
this new game for Nintendo

called Legends of the Ring
and they will feature me

along with
Thomas Hearns and Marvin Hagler,

with all the great
middle weights. Right.

And I was very honored
to be a part of the,

that group of great champions.

So that should be out
hopefully, uh, by Christmas.

Have you made that yet?
(audience laughter)

Hello, yes.
No, it's Louis XIII.

It's the same shit
I buy every year.

No, Cognac.
Cognac!

Booze, hooch, huh?

Oh, go fuck yourself.

Before I leave, I wanna say
my son Jarrel's over there,

my nephew JR, and they want me
to say-- to wave to them.

All:
Surprise!

Beverly, didn't I ask you--
I know, but I surprised you, didn't I?

You did, you totally
surprised me, oh, you guys.

Okay, okay, open this first.

Oh, what is this,
Louis XIII?

Oh, what would a birthday be
without some Louis XIII.

Thank you, Artie.
Thank you very much.

It's from Hank!
Yeah, this is Louis XIII.

This is a $1,100 a bottle,
$75 a shot.

And this is the last
bottle in the Western U.S.

Goddamn right it is.
Hank, come here.

Darlene:
Here you go.

Oh, Darlene,
you shouldn't have.

You didn't need to--
look, look at what she got.

How did you know?
What is it?

A calculator!
Because I know you love--

Math, I love math.
Gadgets.

And gadgets.
Math and gadgets, thank you.

Thank you, Darlene.

Wow, those are great.

That's one of those
virtual reality systems.

Oh, boy.

Well, I feel like
LeVar Burton

in Roots:
The Next Generation.

Well I could go on and on.

Is that a better gadget
then a calculator?

Oh Larry, Hank
has something he'd like to say.

Yeah, Larry, I hope
I made it clear

that Cognac is from
both Arthur and myself.

Just wanted
to make that clear.

So you both pitched in?

No--
Hank, come here.

It's, uh, time to
blow out the candles!

Thank you.
Oh, you got a cake.

Oh no, you shouldn't
have done all that. All right, all right--

Larry, before you
blow out the candles,

Hank has something
he'd like to say.

Yeah, uh, Artie and I both
pitched in on the Cognac.

Just wanna make that
real clear.

Thank you again.

All right, I'm gonna blow out
the candles and then we'll be--

Artie: Francine!
we'll be done.

What a delight.

What's going on?
Whose birthday is it?

Gosh, Francine,
didn't Darlene call you?

I thought you were
gonna call.

Oh my god,
who threw up, what is that?

That's my gift to Larry.

Hey, thanks!

Could you blow out
the candles?

This cake is heavy.

Artie: Go on.
(all cheering)

Was that, was that a cake,
you got a cake there?

Well Larry, is this,
is this your little way

of letting me know
that I've been fired?

Artie:
Hey, you don't belong here, Jerry.

I'm saying that what,
we could all be friends?

Fuck you, okay?
Because "A"--

I know I've been fired.
Artie told me.

And "B," if you think
I wanna celebrate that fact with you fucks

you're out of your
fuckin' mind.

Get the fuck out of here!
Because I have just enough integrity left,

just enough to get
the hell out of here,

and get on with my life

with my much bigger
and much better plans, okay.

So you can take
your little cake

and you can shove it
right up your fuckin' ass.

Shove it up your ass!

Best party I've ever had.

Hank:
Come on.

Larry:
This is great. Working out great.

I'm sorry.
You've had your say now.

I'm sorry.
I feel very calm.

All right, I'm letting go.

I feel--

I feel at peace for
the first time in my life.

I'd like to kiss you, man.
I'm watching you, Jerry.

All right.
It's all right, Artie.

All right, Jerry.
I'm watching you, man.

Okay.

Come on now, come on.
Let's go smoke

and get some fresh air.
Oh, Lar?

Here you go,
it's from the new guy.

I got you a baseball.
See, it's autographed by Hank Aaron right there.

Mike, thanks--
Hey, what are you doing, man?

I was gonna--
I was gonna give you a Mickey Mantle one.

I got it in the car!
I got a Mickey Mantle one.

Come on, get out of here.

(Darlene crying)

This is, uh--
someone scared Darlene.

Darlene, please.
Darlene got scared.

Uh, Larry.

Someone take care of Darlene.
She got upset.

I have a surprise for you
in the office.

I'll never forget the night we
had Clint Eastwood on the show.

Oh, big star, and Clint
comes out, he sits down,

doesn't shake my hand,
I don't know, and I'll never forget,

you know, the first thing
Larry does, he says,

"Clint, you know Hank."

You know what that
simple gesture did?

It made my day.

Happy birthday, buddy.

Happy birthday, Larry Sanders.
I remember right before

I gave up stand-up
I was at Catch a Rising Star

and I was bombing horribly and
there was one guy in the back

that was laughing
and it was you.

I don't know if you remember
that, but it was cool.

You were the one that told me
that I should take up writing

and thanks for that.

I don't know, it was cool.
I won't forget it.

I'm glad you were born.
Happy birthday.

Where's Jerry?
Man: Happy Birthday, Larry...

Artie:
Ah, he's coming out of the building

going out
in the parking lot.

Oh, come on, let him go.

Come on, we're having
a fuckin' party here.

Let him make a clean break.

I'm better than this.
I gotta talk to him.

Jerry.
Jerry: What?

Get away from the car, man.
Fuck you.

Come on, Larry, get--
he's picking up a rock.

Come on, get away
from the window.

Jerry:
Happy birthday, asshole.

(glass breaks)

Listen, man, I'm sorry I can't
be there with you in person.

But anyway,
here's to 43 great more years.

You take care of yourself.

♪ Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Larry,
happy birthday to you ♪

(theme song playing)

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