Original subtitles

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Yamashita...

Are you awake?

Yeah.

Did you see last night's Manzai Battle?

I did.

Horse Oil and Aloe were so funny.

I wonder why they didn't win.

You thought so too?

Why don't we do manzai?

I think we'd make a good comedy act.

When we make it big, I'm buying a Ferrari.

What colour?

Grey.

I'll go so fast, I'll blend in

with the asphalt. Wouldn't that be cool?

You're an idiot.

And my other dream is...

What is it?

You forgot what it is?

Yeah...

You really are an idiot.

Are you OK?

Why is your head sticking out like that?

Hey! What are you doing?

Are you OK?

Is he OK?

What are you doing?

Why are you buried like that?

How can you be smoking?

Yeah. He's buried up to his neck.

- He's weird. - This is weird.

Who are you?

He's weird.

- Hello! - Hello!

- We're Sparks! - Hope you enjoy the show.

My name is Tokunaga.

And I'm really sorry to say this

- But he's Yamashita. - No need to be sorry.

Yamashita is a totally normal name.

- I'm Yamashita! - Thanks for coming.

We're a manzai duo, and our name is Sparks.

Please remember our names and faces.

If you've a better memory, remember

our faces, names, home towns, blood types,

and what type of girls we like too.

That's too much information!

They'll forget our manzai.

Our names and faces are enough to learn.

- Really? - More importantly...

- Yes? - I get lonely sometimes.

So I'm thinking about getting a pet.

- Why don't you get a parrot? - A parrot?

Parrots talk a lot. You'll have lots of fun.

A pet you can talk with? That sounds fun.

- Yeah. - What do they say?

"Have you paid enough into your pension?"

Do I look like an old geezer?

"I thought you were"

"going to clean this place up."

Parrots don't care about things like that.

"Sit down. We need to talk."

Conversations that start out like that

never end well...

You're late.

Are they funny?

Who knows?

Say something funny!

You're the funny guys, right?

Make us laugh!

"Are you going to fight back?"

Parrots say things like that?

Get on with your show!

You're a parrot, right?

You're the bloody parrot!

Thanks for watching!

I'll get them.

Howdy!

We are Ahondara.

So, are we having a fireworks show tonight?

Fireworks are nice.

Maybe we'd get a bigger audience

if we quit our act and go, "Bang! Bang!"

What's funny about two guys saying "bang"?

Bang!

Bang!

I told you. The crowd's like, "Huh?"

Fizz...

Bang!

Making a fizzing sound first

doesn't change anything.

When people go to the fireworks

they don't go for the sounds.

Did I tell you I have psychic powers?

I look at a person and I know whether

they'll go to heaven or hell when they die.

Where did this weirdo come from?

Hell!

What the hell?

Sorry about that.

Hell...

Hell...

Hell...

Hell...

Oh, my. The crowd's full of sinners.

Mend your ways!

Mend your own way.

- Lame! Say something funny. - Hell...

- You talking to me? - Hell...

Hell...

Hell...

Hell...

Hell!

Come up here, schmuck.

Hey! Settle down!

Hell!

Hell...

Hell!

Hell...

A really fun hell.

Hell.

Hell.

Hell...

Hell.

Hell!

So, you don't care

about gigs you do in the countryside?

I booked you to do manzai.

I didn't ask you to start a fight.

Furthermore...

So...

What was so funny about that hell thing?

I didn't find it funny at all.

Sorry.

Is it my fault for not getting it?

Anyway, you'll never play here again.

You can go.

- Bye, sir. - Goodbye, sir.

I'll call you next week.

Good job, sir.

Are you from Tokyo?

- Want to grab a drink? - Sure.

Ramen & Soba

Let me introduce myself properly.

I'm Sparks' Tokunaga.

I'm Ahondara's Kamiya.

Shouldn't we have invited your partner?

Have you been working for long?

It's our second year.

I see. Let me tell you about comedians.

We don't drink with our partners.

We only meet when we work.

Your partner is just your partner.

He's not a friend nor family.

If you want...

you can think of him as your closest rival.

Thanks.

That's a weird way to hold a bottle.

- Sorry. - Thanks.

- Thanks. - We just moved to Tokyo.

We don't know anybody else.

And our agency is full of actors.

We're the only comedians.

So, we still hang out.

Actually, Yamashita brought

his girlfriend with him.

They live together now.

You'll see things change

over the next few years.

Ahondara (Buttwipe) is an impressive name.

I'm not good at choosing names.

My dad always called me Ahondara

so I just took that.

Your duo's name is cool.

- What did your dad call you? - Dad.

- Get it? - That was a joke?

Don't spring it on me.

If your dad calls you that, you're joking,

or you could've a messed-up family tree.

Sorry.

There's no need to apologise.

Say whatever you think, whenever you want.

I will.

But you have to make me laugh.

But when I ask a serious question

I want a proper answer.

I will.

Let me ask you again.

What did your dad call you?

All You Need Is Love.

What did you call him?

Ghost Town.

What does your mum call you?

- What's your problem? - What do you call her?

I don't know, but I probably got it from you.

Your nicknames have conversations!

It took us a while to find the punchline.

Was comedy always this difficult?

I thought I was going to vomit.

We've got a long way to go. But tonight

let's drink. It's my treat.

I'll pay.

Don't be an idiot.

Comedians never let their juniors pay.

Thanks.

That's a weird way to hold a bottle.

Sorry.

- Mr Kamiya. - What?

I want to be your disciple.

May I be your disciple?

- Is that another joke? - I'm serious.

OK.

But on one condition.

What is it?

Promise you'll never forget me.

- Are you dying? - No, idiot.

- But you'll forget me. - No, I won't.

You will. So, I want you to watch me.

I want you to write what I say.

I want you to write my biography.

Your biography?

Yeah.

If you do that, I'll give you full access.

Can I take your last order?

Sorry, little lady. Can we have two more?

No problem. Are you here on holiday?

I'm a local god.

- How many months? - Nine months already.

Not far to go.

- May I? - Go for it.

What a lovely little girl.

You could tell?

- Waitress? - Coming!

But Mentor...

biographies only get published posthumously.

Don't go thinking you'll outlive me.

Call it Kamiya: The Trilogy.

Release Part I when I'm alive

and Part II when I die.

Everyone will want to know what happens

in Part III.

It's funnier that way.

- Listen up. - Yes.

Write what you see each day

in your own words

while it's still alive.

Yes, sir.

- That was a nice place. - It was.

But the beer was a bit warm.

Thanks for the meal.

- Not at all. - Thank you.

Which way are you?

- I'm going this way. - Really?

- Yeah. - See you later.

Definitely.

- Thank you. - Sure.

Spark

Spark

Kamiya's Biography Volume One

Mr Kamiya signed with a big agency in Osaka.

Since I was based in Tokyo

we rarely saw each other.

But Mr Kamiya did contact me quite often.

Kamiya's Biography

I'd spend all day without speaking to a soul.

Then my phone would vibrate.

And every time I saw

the name Kamiya Saizo on the display

life became more exciting.

Hello?

Where are you?

I'm in Tokyo.

It's been a year

since that crappy gig in Atami.

What? I never did a gig like that.

What are you talking about? Then who was it?

It was a local god.

You remember it perfectly!

Tokunaga's over there.

I'm going to work. Call me when you're done.

OK. Take care.

Tokunaga, keep it up.

Hello. We're Sparks. Enjoy the show.

I'm thinking about buying a new TV.

But TVs are expensive.

So, I don't know what to do.

- Ask for a discount. - A discount?

At appliance stores, you can usually

negotiate a discount.

But I've never done that before.

Then we'll have to practise.

I'll be the salesman.

Come in as the customer.

OK.

- Welcome. - Do you have AA batteries?

- What do you want? - AA batteries.

- That's not what you... - AA batteries.

No! What did you say you wanted?

- A TV. - Then buy a TV!

So you're sleeping with my friend?

- No, I'm not! - Don't lie!

Tell me who is it!

If you can't, show me your phone!

Give it to me! It's some lowlife...

George Clooney?

George Clooney?

I'm so sorry.

Don't just say sorry!

Sorry doesn't make things better!

Do you have any idea... George Clooney?

I'm so sorry!

Don't say sorry!

It doesn't make things better!

Do you have... I can't keep this any longer.

Wow!

Wow!

George Clooney?

We still battle it out at small theatres.

To get any time on stage

we have to pass an audition

that's held once each month.

Try it once more!

- Welcome. - I want a new TV.

A new TV? How about this one?

Our 40-inch model comes equipped with

the latest technology for only 59,800 yen!

- 59,800 yen? - Yeah.

That's a bit expensive. Can't you go lower?

But we're the ch-ch-cheapest store in town.

We're the cheapest. We can't go lower.

I just came from a cheaper store.

Cheaper than us?

Yeah, their burgers were a lot cheaper...

What are you comparing the prices of?

Don't compare TVs to burgers.

It's equipped with the latest technology.

But their burgers are equipped

with pickles...

They're not equipped with pickles.

They're just slapped on top.

The name's Sparking, right?

Well...

- You. The straight guy. - Yes?

Ever worked in retail?

No, I haven't...

It shows.

Your act wasn't the least bit convincing.

And the funny guy.

Your jokes don't build up on the way

to your closing line.

If you don't build up the jokes

your manzai isn't even manzai...

Right, Tezuka?

- Yes... - Right? See?

So...

If you want Sparking to...

Excuse me.

It's Sparks.

Nobody knows what fat girls are picky about.

You've no idea how important it is

for fat girls like us to eat!

Who cares!

We wanted a place to express our art.

We wanted to earn a voice.

Or we wanted to escape the poverty.

We each had our own battle

and we fought in our own way.

- Don't look at me! - I'm not!

You're just kind of small.

Because you're not two metres tall.

Where did that come from? Not so fast!

Clap, clap for me...

Lamborghini!

I think your material is good.

Those judges wouldn't laugh, no matter what.

That piece was definitely funny!

What's their problem?

A small number of our peers

started to perform on television.

Animal Rock, Scissors, Paper! Here we go!

- Who won? - Me!

Elephant!

Do you know Animal Rock, Paper, Scissors?

- No. - It's Animal Rock, Paper, Scissors.

- My stomach hurts. - Is it that funny?

It's hilarious.

I love them.

Hey.

Why did you change the channel?

Was it that funny?

Want to take this outside?

No.

Sorry.

It's not funny, Four Eyes!

Come here!

One day, Mr Kamiya sent me a message saying

he was making the big move to Tokyo.

He felt his options

were too limited in Osaka.

Mr Kamiya.

Mr Kamiya.

Long time no see.

It's been more than two years.

I thought a little monster was coming

to attack me. It was you?

That's my line.

There's something in the air.

You're making it smell like Osaka.

Shut up.

- Where to? - Drinks?

- It's been so long. - It sure has.

- Doing all right? - I'm doing great.

Good...

- It's a nice area. - It's really nice.

- There's a lake. - There is.

Let's ride a boat!

- I feel good! - Stop it.

I thought you'd jump in.

My heart's racing, you're even not listening.

- Feel good, sir? - Don't ask him.

Don't cause trouble.

- Feel good, sir? - Now you're doing it.

He looks alarmed.

When did you arrive?

You should've called me straight away.

I had stuff to do.

- Let's grab a drink. - Sure.

What do you want?

Coffee, please.

Black?

Semi-sweet?

Semi-sweet sounds nice.

Semi-sweet, please.

- I've got change. - Keep it.

Counting your coins won't make more.

I know. If I took that, it would mean

we shared the bill.

Thank you.

Why did you stop?

Do it properly.

I'm talking to you.

You're expressing yourself, right?

If you did it at home, I wouldn't care.

But you came to do it outside, right?

I've never seen a drum like that.

I think it looks cool!

So, I want to know what sound it makes.

Why are you being so mean?

Let me hear it.

I'm not like that.

Not like what?

Does he think I'm a weirdo or something?

You're definitely a weirdo.

Sorry, but could you play a bit?

We'll leave straight away. Is that possible?

The drum-drum man.

The drum-drum man.

The bright-red-hat man.

May the drum awaken the dragon!

Do you have to sing?

The drum-drum man.

The bright-red-hat man.

May the drum awaken the dragon!

The drum-drum man...

I wonder what will happen tomorrow.

It'd be nice if something nice happened.

The drum-drum man.

This rain is kind of cold.

I hope we have nicer weather tomorrow.

The drum-drum man.

Drums by the drum-man.

Yes, he's the drum-man.

Drumming with a red hat and a drum!

The drum-drum man.

The drum-drum man.

Yeah, he's the drum-man.

The man is really good at the drums!

Drum...

- Drum... - Drumming on a drum!

Drumming on the drum is the drum-drum man!

Harmonica Alley

Mifune Bar

The drum-drum man...

May the drum awaken the dragon...

Is that some sort of folklore?

Tokunaga. Let's go home.

Your feeble attempt at a joke worries me.

You need more training.

Right. I'm going home.

I'll take the first train home.

You're drunk. Come to my place.

What are you talking about?

I'm definitely going home.

- The trains will start soon... - Just come!

Something ripped.

I'll be fine. I can make it home.

I said I'm OK. I'm going home.

Ouch!

- Why did you kick me? - Don't get angry.

You're drunk. I'm worried about you.

Just come to my place.

Why did you kick my butt?

Because it's there.

Are you a mountaineer?

How much farther is it?

We've reached Omekaido.

Nearly there.

We're here.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Sorry to impose on you.

Give Tokunaga some water.

Welcome back.

It's still early. The people downstairs

will get angry.

I'm Tokunaga.

Welcome. I'm Maki.

Go to bed.

Need anything from the store?

He's asleep.

He's just like an annoying little brother.

Cut it out.

I'm going to give him a one-sided tan

and make him look like Blackjack.

What's funny about that?

It's super funny.

Don't cover your face. That's cheating!

No, it's not.

You should let Tokunaga get some sleep.

Wait a minute... what are you doing?

This will give you a better tan.

Right, Pinoko?

Why are you helping, Maki?

Sorry.

It's OK.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

What...

Hey...

Mr Kamiya...

What am I... what's with you?

Excuse me. I've got the runs.

That's too much information.

- Take care. - Too much information.

What did you pray for, Tokunaga?

It was nothing important.

You pray for stuff that's not important?

To become famous as a comedian.

Tokunaga, if you try hard

you'll definitely make it big.

What did you pray for, Maki?

It's a secret.

What about you, Mr Kamiya?

What can you ask God for

with a five-yen coin?

I want to make it big.

What are you writing?

Nothing.

You're good.

Who is this?

Good morning, sir!

- Do you have a shift today? - No, I'm free.

- Want to grab something to eat? - Sure.

I'm leaving right now. See you later.

I think people who wear beige corduroy pants

have no idea what's good about corduroy.

They probably miss the point

on so many things.

- Tokunaga. - Yes?

I own a pair.

It was like we were doing

a fixed point observation of our town.

We went out almost every day for years.

We'd walk around with no destination.

When we got tired, we'd go to Mifune

in Harmonica Alley. We'd order one serving

of something called nikume.

And we'd nibble on that

as we drank past midnight.

Here's your nikume.

And what we should enjoy?

- Yes? - Enjoy your...

- There you go. - She won't say it!

152.

153.

154.

Armour might work.

It'd be funny to do manzai with armour on.

Armour Manzai.

I'll get Ohbayashi to dress up

as a defeated warrior.

I'll go the complete opposite look

wearing the standard suit.

We'll represent different eras...

Tokunaga's Apron

Time for battle!

You're so easily influenced.

We must protect this north-west route!

- Maki's hot pot is the best. - Thanks.

But you did all the work.

- Are you listening to me? - Of course I am.

The faster you speak, the more you'll convey.

- OK. - The more you're at bat

- The more you'll hit. - Right.

So, it's better to speak fast on stage

- But you can't, right? - Right.

It's an opportunity for you to find a way

to express yourself uniquely.

Yes.

Tell her that story.

You look like

you come from a really poor family...

Yes. We were really poor.

My sister had to practise

playing The Flea Waltz on a cardboard piano.

- Lovely. - Yeah.

All the other kids had a piano

or an electric organ at home.

She tried so hard to keep up with her peers.

- She was a tough little fighter. - Yes.

The first day she had a lesson...

What's wrong, Tokunaga?

It doesn't make any sound.

It wasn't switched on.

She'd never played

a real electric organ before.

She didn't even know they had a switch.

My sister was always so kind

and always looked after me.

When I saw her like that

I felt so sad and angry.

What's with your face?

Your sister's doing her best.

What a lovely story.

When she came back that night

she started practising

on that cardboard piano again.

So, I went next to her

and sang as loud as I could.

Then my dad said, "Shut the hell up!"

"Fleas don't waltz!"

We got yelled at.

What are you doing?

I was telling you a nice story.

Don't nod like that.

You weren't listening at all.

That's so nice.

With a background like that

you can definitely make something unique.

Yes.

The doors will open soon.

Please wait on the side in a line.

The Shibuya All-star Festival

Ahondara

Kahlua Milk

Aihara Miho, Kuroro, Shikatani Tatsu

Sparks, Oil Shock Brothers

Stop doing that. That's what I meant.

Here I come!

Hey... don't forget the door!

It got you!

What song is that?

The Night I Turned 85.

It's The Night I Turned 15!

What's with that song?

And where are you going now?

We're going to party all night in the park.

Go home.

You're old. Go home.

But Cecil and Wilbur are waiting.

They're old guys too!

Are you ready?

Not yet.

Are you ready?

Not yet.

Are you ready?

Now I am.

Who the hell are you?

Now it's time to announce

the winner of The Shibuya All-Star Festival!

The winner is...

Shikatani!

Congratulations! Applause!

The winner was a second-year solo act.

He's my least favourite type of comedian.

He's Shikatani.

He has a strong, manly face.

He acts feminine.

And he gets hysterical.

Don't worry.

Not all addicts are scary.

These are especially cute.

Behold!

Cute-baby-animal addict

The cute-baby-animal addict.

Yakuza

Oh, no.

Wait...

This one comes next.

With a character

that's polar opposite of his looks

he created explosive laughter.

Thank you!

Sparks came sixth.

Ahondara were fourth.

See you later...

See you later...

See you later...

Tokunaga.

Thanks for the other day.

I've got another gig, so I'm going.

- See you later. - Sorry.

See you later.

Mr Tokunaga. What a great show!

Let me make a proposal.

Would you like to join The Shikatani Army

as my chief of staff?

We can rule the world together!

Shikatani, let's go to the after party.

- OK! - You guys can come too

See you at the party.

- Congratulations! - Thank you!

Why were we sixth? Sixth?

But, listen!

Tokunaga, I heard you were

on the prefecture team in high school.

Why did you quit soccer?

Would I have been better off doing soccer?

I didn't mean that...

Excuse me. Coming through...

- You did a good job. - Thanks.

Hey, don't just hide in the corner.

The writers are here.

You should talk with them.

Sorry. Excuse me.

In other news, one of the most iconic

manzai artists of the Showa era,

fondly remembered as Koishi

from the duo Naniwa Oishi Koishi,

passed away at a hospital in Kobe

at 12:35am this morning.

He was 78 years old.

- What's your favourite food? - Well...

I do have a favourite food, actually.

What is it?

Hot pots.

Hot pots.

- You eat hot pots? - I love them.

You must have amazing teeth.

My teeth aren't that strong.

I couldn't even try.

So, which are tastier? Steel hot pots

- Or ceramic hot pots? - Neither.

I eat what goes inside the pot.

Oh, you scared me.

If you eat what goes inside

you should've said so...

- Hello. - We're Sparks. Enjoy the show.

I think kids are too quiet these days.

- They're too quiet? - They don't go through

- A rebellious phase. - Really?

This becomes a problem when they get old.

What do you mean?

If they don't have it in their teens

rebellious phases can be...

Sounds like you're talking about the mumps!

Yamashita...

You weren't listening to my lines.

- You're rushing your lines. - Come on.

We've done this piece so many times.

You still want me to listen?

If old geezers enter a rebellious phase

without any immunity, it can be lethal.

What happens when an old geezer

- Gets rebellious? - He'll start smoking.

He already has one foot in the coffin.

He should take more care.

He won't take orders nor his pension.

Why not take the money?

You're still coming in too soon.

You don't want to do this?

I'm doing it.

You're just going through the motions.

I know it's important to practise, but...

I changed my shift to come.

Don't spring it on me.

You should've told me earlier.

Tokunaga? What's up?

Hello.

I'm practising our act...

but my partner is so annoying.

I think I'm going to punch him.

If you punch him, you'll break up.

Don't ever hurt your partner.

But he's so annoying.

Come over after you're done.

Let's eat dinner.

What's your favourite food?

Barbecue?

No, it's not.

What is your favourite food?

I'm asking you what your favourite food is!

Hot pots.

Hot pots?

Yes. Hot pots.

Gosh! You eat hot pots?

That's not what I mean.

Your teeth must be so strong.

I said that's not what I mean.

My teeth aren't that strong.

Do you prefer steel hot pots

or ceramic hot pots?

What are you talking about?

Which are easy to chew?

When people eat hot pots

they don't actually eat the pot.

You said you ate hot pots.

I did. But I eat what gets cooked in the pot.

What you cook in the pot?

Yes.

You get cooked inside the hot pot?

Is it big enough for you to fit?

If I could, I'd get cooked.

We've eaten so many hot pots together.

You know what I mean.

You mean you like hot pot cuisine?

Of course!

Why did you suddenly go so dumb?

You were so persistent, it was scary.

I'll buy some beef. The cow-type.

All beef is cow-type.

You're such an idiot.

That sounds complicated.

Let's have Mongolian hot pot instead.

That's even more complicated!

Do you have a convex metal skillet?

Of course I don't.

I've had enough!

Feeling a bit better?

Yes.

Thank you.

See you later.

Will do.

I want to apologise for three things.

Firstly...

Sorry if it sounded like

I have more important things to do.

Secondly...

Sorry for complaining about

the material when I don't write a thing.

And thirdly...

When you and I...

I didn't...

I am...

Did you forget the third one?

You really are an idiot.

I'm going home.

That's my bicycle.

Liar.

You're leaving?

Come on. Let's make a toast to comedy.

We're good. We're funny...

And we need new careers!

You want to quit?

- It's not my fault you bombed. - I didn't.

And why wear horizontal stripes? You're fat.

- Hide it, baby. - I'm fashionable.

Get some vertical lines.

It's time for

the What-Kind-of-Guy-Do-You-Like Game!

- Let's hear it. - OK.

- I like muscular guys. - Muscular guys?

- Who's next? - He's muscular!

- Any other type? - I like smart guys too.

- Smart guys. - Take that X-axis and Y-axis

and put in a piece of glass.

He's so smart!

He's funny.

I'm having so much fun today.

What's with that accent?

Are you OK?

Yes.

Want to drink something else?

- This drink is pretty bad. - Yeah...

I could ask for a menu if you want.

- I'm fine. - You are?

If you want, I could...

Why are you sitting there?

Why are you sitting there?

I think he doesn't like me.

No, he just likes to hide in his shell.

- Call him Shellboy. - Shellboy.

He acts like he's in junior high.

- Yeah. - But his favourite pastime is

listening in on people.

- Really? - Do you spy on people?

- You do, right? - Yes.

- That sounds really messed up. - He is.

He listens to every noise I make.

What excites you about spying on people?

It's because the subject

produces sounds under the presumption

they won't be heard.

Normally, one wouldn't hear them.

He sounds like a professor.

Take that X-axis and Y-axis, and then...

You can't compete with the professor.

Are you going to be spying tonight too?

Don't spring things like that on me.

If you and I talk only to each other

we'll end up becoming comedy freaks.

We have to talk with other people sometimes.

That's how you figure out who you really are.

- And they laughed. - They laughed at me.

Not with me.

Never let them laugh at you.

You got to make them laugh!

Great words for a comedian to live by.

But that phrase became so famous

it's hard to make people laugh at us.

Now the audience think, he may look dumb

but he's just pretending.

They didn't need to know that.

You're right.

If they watch a show and think

I'm being made to laugh,

that's such a shame.

I guess there's some kind of humour

that could be made with that too.

On the other hand,

you've no idea what's really funny about you.

That is funny.

Shut up. I'm not really stupid.

Mr Kamiya...

You and Maki are a couple, right?

No. She just lets me live there.

But since you live together

won't the subject of getting together come up?

It did a couple of times.

But I told her to get a proper boyfriend.

What did she say?

"OK."

There's something I don't like about that.

Don't you like her?

Well, I don't pay any rent

and she does so much for me.

I want to do the right thing by her.

If anybody dated me seriously

it would be hell for them.

- You're right. - Don't agree with me.

The train is arriving at Kichijouji Station.

You have work early tomorrow?

No. Not that early.

OK. Let's grab a few more drinks

at Harmonica Alley.

OK. Let's do that.

Maki's paying for the drinks.

Every time I tell her I'm going out with you

she gives me money.

So, she thinks you and I go out every night.

Kichijouji Station

Old man Lester died.

- Who killed him? - Ask him yourself.

A bath? Don't tell me what to do!

- Stop complaining. - Get out of here.

You were talking to him?

The toughest gang in Japan.

He doesn't have enough time left.

Are you OK?

Don't cry. Let me clean you up.

We all have our problems.

Coming again tomorrow?

Of course you are. Off you go.

It's nobody's fault...

Enough with the tears.

We'll see you tomorrow, right?

OK. Bye.

Welcome.

Good morning. Sorry I'm late.

Mr Kamiya, where are we going to drink today?

I need your advice on some things...

That's not it.

OK. What is it?

Well...

I have to get my stuff from Maki's place.

Can you help me?

OK. Of course.

Did you have a fight?

- Maki... - Yes.

She got a boyfriend.

Are you serious?

It was a real surprise.

She said she was working

- As a hostess in a bar, right? - Yes.

The truth is

it was a brothel.

When she first came to Tokyo

she was walking around Shibuya.

Some guy offered her a job as a hostess.

She went to the interview a few days later

turns out...

it was for a brothel with a theme

where the girls dress up as ghosts.

You know how she can't say no.

So she was working there.

I've come to suck your blood.

Why are you looking gloomy?

Sorry.

But if Maki found someone nice

I can't complain.

She's not getting any younger.

I wish I could've done something for her

but I ran out of time.

And it wouldn't be right

to complicate things now.

I think she didn't have a choice.

So you're taking all of your stuff?

No. I don't have a place yet.

But I've got a gig tomorrow.

I just need my manzai outfit

and a change of clothes.

- But there's just one problem. - What is it?

The thing is, the guy's already in the house.

He is?

Apparently, she told him

I was just crashing on the couch.

But it's going to be so awkward.

I can't do it alone.

You're right.

Imagine if I went to get my stuff by myself.

If he started to bark at me

I might kill him.

So I want you to come.

It's easier to kill him with my help.

No, stop me!

You're supposed to stop me.

No.

I can't go inside.

Shall I go by myself?

No, I'll go with you.

And no matter what he says

I'll keep quiet. For Maki.

But I don't want to get sad or feel pathetic.

When we get inside, I want you...

to have a boner.

- You want me to have a boner? - Yeah.

If I start to lose it

I'll just look at your crotch.

My heart will be breaking

and you'll have a boner. That's funny.

It'll help me keep my cool.

Isn't that too risky for me?

If the guy notices, he'll punch me.

No questions asked.

That's a unique reason to get punched.

A nice question to ask on a quiz show

when you're famous. How did he get that scar?

They won't ask that! And boners?

You know I don't like dirty jokes.

- Me neither. - Then why?

- Why did you say it? - Please.

You can at least try.

OK.

Coming.

Oh, it's Tokunaga.

Thanks for this.

You'll regret this!

Sorry to impose on you.

I packed most of what I need.

Could you throw the rest away?

I'll clean up and send what I can.

I hate you, man.

So, I'm going.

Sorry for everything.

Thanks.

Look after yourself.

That's enough.

Why are you crying with a boner?

You're like a baby with a sex drive.

You made me do it.

And I saw you touch yourself.

- That's cheating. - Why is that?

I had no choice.

I respect my mentor.

His girlfriend was nice to me.

And they're breaking up.

In a situation like that

grainy pictures aren't enough.

I don't have it anymore.

Let's eat something good.

- Sure. - OK?

What do you want? Chinese?

Japanese?

Barbecue?

Is your scalp OK?

- Yes. - Really?

You're tough.

What do you do?

I'm a comedian.

Wow. You want to be a comedian?

I've got a friend

that goes to a comedy school too.

Wow. Really?

It's their first time on the show.

They are Sparks. Go for it!

- Hello! - We are Sparks.

I'm Yamashita.

I'm Tokunaga.

My favourite pastime is stepping on ants.

Don't say creepy stuff in a cheery tone.

Thank you!

Mr Shikatani, the way you danced was cute.

- But... - But?

I don't think you're cut out for

the champion's throne.

You bet, it's literally hurting my butt.

That year, we were invited to do gigs

at school festivals all over the country.

Raise your hand when you're done.

So, everyone's ready?

Great. Let me choose.

Let's hear from Sparks.

What's the worst-selling product

at the school store?

The 25,000-colour ballpoint pen.

That many colours?

- Who's next? - Me...

OK, let's hear from Red Spider.

They sure are popular.

It was the brief flash of popularity

only young comedians enjoy.

I think every comedian on TV

understood how it worked.

We were too old to fool ourselves

into thinking we were stars.

We even took on the role of villain.

We acted like fools who thought

they were stars, just for the negativity.

That's how old we were.

So if you want to get rid of a zombie

stick a flashlight in their face.

- They hate light? - That's how it works.

I see.

Aicom Personal Loans

What?

I have three jokes to live.

What?

I've heard of three years to live.

Is three jokes to live something like that?

If I make three more jokes, I'm going to die.

How did that happen?

It's an occupational disease.

- Idiot. - It hurts.

- Why did you... - I don't want you to die.

So I'll teach you how to deal with zombies

and you're going to listen. OK? Please?

You're scarier than a zombie.

And finally, a word to my dear parents.

The guy next to me with the moon face

hopes we'll be as happy as you two.

Use my name! I've had enough.

Thank you!

That was the second act

from Mr and Mrs Plump.

They sure were funny.

And now for our next duo.

The act they did in the first round

had you rolling in the aisles.

Let's hear it for Ahondara!

You love them!

What will their second act be like?

Ahondara, come on down!

Hello. We are Ahondara.

We hope you enjoy the show.

Sorry if we look a bit scary.

I have three jokes to live.

What?

I have three jokes to live.

What?

What does three jokes to live mean?

If I make three more jokes, I'm going to die.

What kind of illness is that?

It's an occupational disease.

I've got Stage IV.

Oh, maybe I shouldn't talk about my stage

on this stage.

Who would've guessed I'd die like this?

What are you talking about?

My doctor told me I'd die

if I made three more jokes!

Do you know how that feels?

Hey! Boys!

If you want to lip-synch, do it properly!

That's not manzai!

They really are idiots.

Your first round was funny.

You're ruining everything.

What a mess!

So, we've seen all of the duos

perform two acts each.

Let's hear what the judges thought!

It sure was a fun contest.

Unfortunately,

a certain duo used sound effects

in an act that definitely wasn't manzai.

If we exclude them

I think we can say

we saw contestants of high caliber tonight.

The audience seemed to like Ahondara...

They may have gotten some laughs

but we don't call that manzai.

I see. Well, that sounds quite final.

However, I'd like to say

the contest is becoming better each year.

I'm sure several of the duos today

have quite a bright future.

Did you hear that, folks?

Sounds like the big time!

We don't have any TV gigs lately.

A TV director said he likes our material

but we need more than that to succeed on TV.

You say, if we're funny, we're fine.

But being funny isn't enough.

Maybe you've taken too much

of Mr Kamiya's advice.

I think our old stuff was funnier.

Mr Kamiya doesn't want to be big.

Mr Kamiya has never turned his back on

what he thinks is funny.

Comedians might find him funny

but comedy has to be simple.

We do manzai for the general public.

We don't do manzai for comedians.

Mr Kamiya's main concern isn't the public.

It's whether he can make something

the public can't ignore.

What's that?

He's just running away from the public.

Am I wrong?

You don't understand a thing about Mr Kamiya!

All these years in Tokyo

we still can't afford a place with a shower.

Please take a copy.

- See you! - Infinity will...

See you! Infinity will change infinitely.

I have no idea what you're saying.

Let's go once more.

When kick boxers and gamblers

lose their cool, it's over.

I've had enough.

Thank you.

- Hello. - Hello!

We are Sparks. Hope you enjoy the show.

I couldn't see any light

at the end of the tunnel.

I felt guilty for reasons I couldn't fathom.

I was stricken with fear too.

But I gave it all I had.

Zombie attacks, three nights in a row?

What's with you?

Kamiya's Biography Volume 7

Hello.

How are things?

- Here's your beer. - Thanks.

Nothing has changed.

I only got 18,000 yen this month.

But Mr Ohbayashi...

You're not wearing a white suit today.

I've never worn one.

Did you leave your cane on the bus?

No, I didn't.

Why do you always think I'm Colonel Sanders?

- What's so funny? - Here's your yakitori.

Thanks.

- Have you heard? - Heard what?

Kamiya is in so much debt

he's about to go under.

Really? He is?

He tries to look good when he's with you.

Well, that's part of what makes him funny.

But he might have to quit manzai.

I'm sorry. He always pays for me.

I'll try to stop him

from using so much money from now on.

It's not your fault.

He always looks so happy

when he talks about you.

Wouldn't it be nice to be big?

It would.

Shikatani's on again.

I see him everywhere lately.

Bean's Coffee for successful men

We've created nearly a hundred acts of manzai.

Even so, Shikatani was probably born

with a head start on us.

Tokunaga?

What's up?

It's been a while. Let's have dinner.

Howdy.

Hell...

They bleach your hair

before making it blonde, right?

It really hurt my scalp.

Let's eat.

I'm OK.

Don't say that. Come with me.

It's ready, and she's waiting.

I've seen him on TV!

I'm Tokunaga, from Sparks.

- I told you we were friends. - Awesome!

Come on in.

Ta-da.

We have dumplings too.

- He loves dumplings. - Really?

I do love dumplings.

How many shall I cook?

I'll put them in the next round.

- Are you on a diet? - No...

Look. Sparks is on. Awesome!

- You're right. - I'm right?

I need to practise, in case I end up

- With a dumb girlfriend. - Not so fast.

Don't date dumb girls in the first place.

You're not at liberty

to steal my romantic liberty.

That's too many liberties.

Maybe you're right.

Let me do it.

Settle down.

Why?

We lost in the next episode.

Can you pass the skimmer?

What did you think, Mr Kamiya?

About our act.

Well...

I think you should do what you really

want to do.

I can't.

I'll go to the store.

I'll get some beer.

You didn't think it was funny.

Our act.

It's not that it wasn't funny.

I know you're funny.

That's why I think you can do more.

Why don't you do it then?

If you're going to complain

why don't you go for auditions? Go on TV.

Do funny manzai yourself!

Good point.

There are things you have.

I do too.

And we're not the only ones.

All comedians have them.

We all have things and ideas

that we think are really funny.

But you have to convey those ideas.

If you don't put in the effort...

If you don't put in the effort

the things you think are funny...

will cease to exist.

Maybe you're thinking too much.

Loosen up. Just do what you want...

I would, if it were a hobby.

If it were just a hobby, that'd be fine.

But if you don't put in the effort...

you won't be able to do the manzai...

you love so much.

You can't just not put in effort!

Mr Kamiya!

There are things I don't want to compromise.

I don't want to let them slide away.

So I use a skimmer with smaller holes.

But when I do that...

When I have smaller holes

I catch a lot of crap too.

But I can throw that crap away

whenever I want.

Stop being proud of the fact

you throw crap away.

You copied my hairstyle, right?

And my clothes.

You're copying me, right?

Imitating somebody was the one thing

you said you would never do.

You boasted that you wouldn't even

do something you'd done yourself.

Isn't this an imitation?

I saw your hairstyle

and thought it was cool.

It's nothing but an imitation.

I have to pee.

Oh, my.

I wanted to look like Beckham

but I ended up like Woodstock.

You don't even look like Woody Woodpecker.

Is it that bad?

Who do I look like? Give me a name.

Come on.

Come on.

Give me a name.

Oh, yes

It's leftover pizza. You can have it.

Thanks.

It's all cold and congealed by now though.

I might have another coffee.

Do you want one?

No, thanks.

- Do you have 20 yen? - You don't?

You're wearing cool clothes today.

Where did you get them?

I thought you wanted to talk.

I do.

What is it?

I don't think we're going anywhere.

And new acts keep coming out.

We can try a bit more.

I'm not strong enough.

I think our manzai is strong enough.

But I'm not strong enough

to keep living like this.

Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a comedian.

What's wrong?

I...

I got married.

She's going to have a baby.

I won't say I'm doing this is for the baby.

But...

I think the kid helped me be brave enough

to make the decision.

You were the one who said, Let's do manzai."

I'm sorry.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

So we should start looking for

a house that fits all four of us.

We don't need you to move in.

What would I tell her parents?

I'm going.

When we told our agency

we were going to dissolve the duo

they said we had to wait until the gigs

they'd already booked were over.

Not a single person

tried to stop us from breaking up.

- Who's up for karaoke? - Sounds good.

- Thank you. - See you.

I hadn't seen Mr Kamiya since that night.

Nobody talked about Ahondara anymore either.

We battled it out at the same theatres

at the same point of time in history.

I'm proud of every comedian that was there.

The same dirty Converses.

The same impoverished look.

There were so many of us.

For a moment

they helped me forget

that society had left me behind.

It felt like I'd spent an eternity

in hopelessness.

But I can say I tried my very best.

Even if

it all took place in a rotten Shangri-La.

Tickets for Sparks' last gig still available

I'd never even spoken a word

with most of them.

But without them

I couldn't have endured

such a crazy life for ten whole years.

The fear that gnaws at your guts

when nobody laughs at your jokes.

And the joy that lifts you right up

when they do.

You only get one chance at life.

Attempting something that may leave you

with nothing is a terrifying thing to do.

You can be a coward.

You can fool yourself.

You can even be hopelessly stupid.

As long as you try to defy convention

with all of your soul,

only then can you become a manzai artist.

Hello!

We are Sparks! Hope you enjoy the show!

I wanted to create manzai

that defied conventional wisdom.

That's why I became a comedian.

The only thing we defied was

the sweet old phrase that says

"Hard work pays off."

Why did you do that?

Don't defy something like that.

Sometimes you get so emotional

it's hard to say what you really mean.

That happens sometimes.

So, I want to try something.

To prove a point,

I'll say the opposite of what I mean.

You hear me.

I'm going to say the opposite of what I mean

with all the passion I have.

And I think that'll make

my true intentions clear.

You're talking crazy to the very end.

You'll see what I mean.

Even dummies can get it.

Don't call me a dummy.

Here goes.

Hey there, partner!

What?

You're really good at manzai.

That nearly sounded nice.

But you mean the opposite, right?

You never mess up your lines.

You have a pretty face and a great voice.

Your family is rich too. You're the best!

You're annoying!

You're a genius!

I'm going to slap you.

But even a genius like you

has some really annoying faults.

- Like what? - Firstly...

Your room is messy.

Is that the best you can do?

My place is tidy

but you can find better things to say.

- He eats like a bird, and a snail. - I do.

I eat like a horse and I'm quick too.

How stupid am I?

- His girlfriend's ugly. - That one's nice.

It was nice, but it wasn't about me.

His partner is extremely talented.

He has an extremely talented genius

for a partner, but for the last ten years

he did nothing but complain.

He was never there for me.

We spent so much time together

I feel like I've wasted my life.

It wasn't fun at all!

I'm the unluckiest guy in the world!

And you guys.

You are all so smart.

After all, we're so popular.

We have such a bright future.

But you never paid to see us.

You never came for a single show, darn you.

You really are so smart.

Thanks to you, my life was filled with pain.

You schmucks!

Want to tone it down?

Ever since I was a kid

I never dreamt of becoming a manzai artist.

Becoming a manzai artist

was your childhood dream, right?

No matter what it took

I definitely didn't want

to be a manzai artist.

I wasn't going to do manzai!

No darn way!

But then one day, back in junior high

I got to know my partner.

It's all his fault I'm a comedian.

It couldn't be worse.

All thanks to him, I died.

He killed me.

It's like he murdered me.

What's up, killer?

Every now and then

somebody says something nice about us.

Those guys...

They made me so happy!

It was like they were saying

my life meant something.

That's how happy they made me.

Unfortunately

there were people who weren't so kind.

They were...

you guys!

Are you listening, you schmucks?

You said Sparks were the worst!

You never wanted to see our faces again.

You said we had no reason to even exist.

You refused to acknowledge

our very existence.

You said "no" to us!

Darn you.

I hate you!

Why are you even listening, morons!

We are Sparks.

This is not our last manzai act.

We'll be on stage again.

We'll see you again.

That makes me so very happy.

I gave ten years of my life.

Will it help me live the rest?

No!

I have one wish for you all.

Just go and die!

Die!

Die!

Die...

Die...

Die..

Die!

All of you. Die!

Die!

Die!

Die!

Leave your family and die!

Shut up.

What are you laughing at?

You're laughing too.

Know what?

You've been pretty rude today.

Why did you make the audience cry?

When you do manzai

you're supposed to make them laugh.

Look what you did.

You call this manzai?

Then I guess...

with our very last try...

I finally created manzai

that defied conventional wisdom.

Shut up.

This is it. Don't you have anything to say?

My partner...

What?

Dear audience...

I want you to know I feel zero gratitude.

How could you say that?

I was talking in opposites too.

You know what I meant.

You really are good at manzai.

I've had enough.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

I want to do more manzai.

I never want to stop doing manzai.

He has a really strong voice.

He put his faith in me

and he stuck by me the whole time.

He must've been so frustrated.

It must have been really tough on him.

I really am sorry.

Every House Realty Inc.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

What do you think of this apartment?

It's so clean!

Do you have any Japanese-style rooms?

Japanese-style?

Let me see.

I'm glad you liked it.

The station's that way. So, good luck.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Thank you.

We're going to live in Tokyo!

Success Is In Your Hands

Mummy!

How lovely. Is it for me?

Thank you.

Shall we blow it together?

More!

One more try.

Ready?

It's stuck on you. Turn your head.

I got it.

Let's go.

Want to see the lake?

The fish?

Kamiya: Tokunaga, have you had dinner?

Hot pot? You've got strong teeth, right?

Hello.

Mr Kamiya.

What have you been doing all this time?

My partner punched me in the face

as hard as he could.

What happened?

Let me tell you what happened. It was so bad.

- OK. - I went to the agency

to apologise today, but they won't have me.

Of course not.

My debt got so big.

I couldn't do anything. I went back to Osaka

and made money like crazy.

Did you pay it all back?

No, I filed for bankruptcy.

But I paid some to the scary guys.

Whatever you do, never get in debt.

Those debt collectors are so scary.

What are they?

They're size DD.

I thought the bigger, the funnier.

I put heaps of silicone in them.

I was always against people

who made characters for themselves

but I think I was wrong.

If your character is stronger

than your material

you're just not funny enough.

That won't work.

Everyone's eyes will be glued there.

Who's going to laugh?

Come on. It's funny.

It's not funny at all.

I thought these would get me on TV.

No way possible.

A man in his thirties with huge knockers?

Who would laugh at that?

Think about it.

You think a man with knockers is funny.

That's all you're thinking, right?

But in the outside world

sexuality is an issue for some.

Gender issue is a very real thing.

There are people who have

a real hard time because of such issues.

Think about it.

If they saw you like this

what would they think?

They would be offended.

Right?

If everyone were just like you

then it might not be a problem.

Or if you did this from the heart...

If you truly wanted to become a female

there would be no problem.

But that's not why you did this.

There are bigots out there

who judge and harass these folks.

We're all aware of such discrimination.

If people who don't know you see this

they'll think you're one of those bigots.

I know you don't mean any harm.

I know that but...

we can't ignore what everyone else thinks.

Tokunaga, that's enough.

I was wrong.

I really was a total idiot.

Fireworks.

Do you want to see some fireworks?

Mr Kamiya, let's go to the fireworks.

At this time of year? Where?

They're on.

Let's go.

This reminds me of my school trip

back in junior high.

There's the ocean!

- This is nice. - It is.

We're here.

We're nearly at Atami.

- Tokunaga... - Yes?

Sorry I can't join you in the bath house.

Who cares?

But really, which one should I go?

I don't know.

For real?

- Tokunaga, look at that! - I'm looking.

Ramen & Soba

We sat here, right?

Was it?

You haven't changed a bit.

We were here ten years ago.

Do you remember?

- See you next time. - Thank you!

I'm not sure. Sorry.

Mum.

- I don't get this one. - OK.

Let me see. Over at that table.

Atami Comedy Contest Registration Now Open

It's on tomorrow.

Oh, it is.

Let's enter it together.

I bet the deadline for registration is over.

They'll let us in.

No, they won't.

Ma'am, sorry to disturb you.

Can we still enter this contest?

Sure, they welcome last-minute contestants.

Sounds like a real popular competition.

Let's do it.

- No, I won't. - Come on. Let's do it.

No.

Are you refusing your mentor's request?

I retired from comedy.

Tokunaga.

Yes?

I don't think there's such a thing

as retirement for comedians.

You thought of funny things

for ten years straight.

You made people laugh at the theatres.

They didn't always laugh.

Sometimes.

But you made them laugh all that time.

That means you've equipped yourself

with an incredibly specialised skill.

It's like a boxer's punch.

Even a no-name can kill with one strike.

It's the same with comedians.

The only difference is

the more comedians punch

the happier we make people.

So, even if you quit comedy

and make your living doing some other job,

you can still thump them with laughter.

Nobody else out there has a punch like yours.

The thing about manzai is

you can't do it by yourself.

You need at least one partner.

But to be honest, I think two people

aren't enough to make manzai.

If we were the only manzai artists around

I don't think I'd have tried so hard.

We were surrounded by

so many amazing comedians.

We had to make something new

or take it to the next level.

- They made us think. - Indeed.

It's like we were all making it together.

Maybe only a handful of each generation

hit the big time.

But it's their peers that force them

to create something original.

Otherwise, they'd get filtered out.

And this natural selection makes it clear

who won and who lost.

That's what makes it so good.

But when a guy gets filtered out,

it doesn't mean he did it for nothing.

They definitely meant something.

Maybe some of them regret having tried.

But does that mean it was pointless

for everyone, other than the duo that won?

Of course not. If there was only one duo,

they definitely wouldn't be that funny.

Even if some guy only went on stage once

his act still meant something.

No doubt about it.

Everyone was needed.

That means we're all part of the manzai

that's to come.

So, no matter what you do

comedians can never retire.

Thank you.

So, let's do manzai.

Are you serious?

Let's come up with an act.

We came all the way down here.

Let's hop in the bath and take it easy.

You're not taking no for an answer.

Can't we just relax?

I'm sorry.

- Tokunaga. - Yes?

I have an incredible idea.

We'll have a homeless guy next to us

while we do our manzai.

We don't take any notice of him.

We're just doing our manzai.

But all of sudden, he starts to read out

a really touching poem to his family.

What the hell?

We are alive.

As long as we're alive, it's not the end yet.

We're still only halfway there.

We must continue from here on.

Let's do manzai.

I told you. No.