Original subtitles

- Mickey, Ben? - Yeah?

- Mr. Jacobson's ready for you. - Great.

Before we get the meeting started,

I need to do one quick thing, if you don't mind.

Will, over here real quick.

- How's that look? - Uh--

- This is a first. - It's perfect.

Okay, good. Let's get-- Here.

- You want to put one there? - Put one in that corner.

Every storyline, every plot twist,

every character arc

of every so-called "reality show"...

is preconceived by a team of writers and producers...

to manipulate "reality"...

into entertainment.

Okay, understood. Audiences are getting bored with faux reality.

So, what is your revolutionary idea?

I want to produce a reality show that is genuinely real.

I propose we pick a subject at random.

Mr. and Mrs. Anybody.

And we make that person the subject of our series.

The star of our show.

Without their knowledge.

Come again?

I say we pick an unwitting subject,

and without their knowledge, we put their entire lives...

under complete and all-encompassing surveillance.

And because they have no idea...

that they are the subject of this reality show,

their behavior will be 100% natural.

Guys, this does not sound legal.

Interesting idea,

but it smells like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Leonard, we predicted you might voice just such a concern.

We've taken the liberty...

of doing extensive research into the issue.

Granted, installing hidden cameras in people's home, work,

technically could be in violation of trespassing laws

or breaking and entering laws,

but, at most, be considered a misdemeanor...

and would cost a fine.

We had the agency's legal department...

do a risk-versus-cost benefit analysis.

We projected the worst-case scenario, Leonard.

Okay? Should our subject sue,

at most a payout would cap off...

at under $1.5 million.

- It's a no-fucking-brainer. - I humbly believe,

and it happens to be the opinion of our legal team as well,

that any suit would be dismissed anyway,

because, technically, actual reality,

as opposed to staged reality,

would fall under the category of documentary,

which would fall under the category of news, which would...

fall under the protection of the First Amendment,

freedom of the press, et cetera.

Who is this magical somebody?

Who's this instant star that everybody's gonna be...

so fascinated by?

This show is proof positive that anybody--

anybodyis fascinating.

We pick our subject... at random.

- I love it. Let's do it. - Oh.

- That's great, great. - WOMAN: Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait. Leonard, this whole legal issue

it makes me very nervous.

- LEONARD: Fuck it. - [whispers] Cunt.

This is the kind of cutting-edge content...

that could turn this whole stale genre around.

- But-- - "But." [nervous chuckle]

- There's always a "but." - Shut up. Listen.

I'll give you the eight episodes.

But you gotta promise me this is gonna be fucking riveting.

You have my word.

When I hit this space bar,

it's gonna stop on somebody.

And in keeping with the conceit of this show,

whoever it stops on is who we go with.

Here we go. Three--

No, you know what? I got it.

Shane, get over here. You do it.

Me? Why?

Why? Somebody gives you...

the opportunity to be a part of history,

and you say, "Why?"

"Neil, you be the first one to walk on the moon."

"Why?"

Shane, get your ass over here and do this thing.

This is an honor.

Stand here.

What's the matter with you? Give me your little hand.

Now, loosen your hands. Three. Three.

- Do a three. - [recorded drumbeat]

- Two. - [drumbeat]

- One - [drumbeat]

[beep]

MAN: Name: Dennis Paul Warwick, 49.

He's currently employed as a C.P.A....

for Vogel and Stern.

He pays his taxes on time, his FICO score is 822--

almost perfect.

Top three Google searches:

Recipes, math games, and stamps.

Wow. Recipes, math games, and stamps.

Shut the fuck up, Shane.

Dennis is married to Katherine Fay Warwick.

She's a former teacher...

but left to become a full-time mom...

to Amy Ann Warwick.

Just turned 18.

Uh, G.P.A. is 4.0.

She's on the swim team, debate team,

captain of the cheerleading squad,

and vice president of the student council.

And the fourth member of the family,

seven-year-old neutered male...

wheaten terrier mix named Harry.

- [phone ringing] - Hello.

MICKEY: Hello, is this Dennis Paul Warwick...

of 5309 Stratford Road?

Yes, it is. Who's calling?

Mr. Warwick, my name is Jerome Hellman.

I'm calling from Office City.

Did you recently purchase an ink cartridge...

from our online store using American Express,

last four digits: 1437?

Yes, I did. Is there something wrong?

Far from it, Mr. Warwick.

You may not be aware that your online purchase...

entered you in our tropical getaway sweepstakes.

You and your family have won...

an all-expense paid luxury vacation to...

the Kalala Hawaii Resort and Spa in Maui.

- [snorts] - DENNIS: What?

♪ [Hawaiian music]

Zoom in.

Pan right.

[shutter clicking]

Home again, home again, jiggity jig.

[Katherine laughs, sighs]

I need a vacation from that vacation.

- [Dennis laughs] - KATHERINE: Oh.

I'm exhausted.

AMY: I'm gonna take a shower.

Stacy and I were talking about going to sushi.

DENNIS: Bye-bye.

What an unexpected treat.

Hey, if, um, Amy's taking a shower,

shouldn't we be looking at that?

It just seems more interesting.

Don't be a pig, Shane. Although we should follow Amy.

See if she's really going to this "Stacy's"...

or maybe somewhere else.

- Put the "B" team on that. - "B" team.

Be prepared to follow Amy in about 10 minutes.

MAN ON WALKIE-TALKIE: Copy.

Although I suppose if Amy's taking a shower,

it couldn't hurt to have a little peek.

What? If they want it for sweeps--

That hotel was beautiful,

but nothing beats being back in your own bed, right?

Mmm, right.

[kissing]

What? No sex?

Why don't you go to Amy's room?

Maybe she's rubbing one out to her Team Edward poster.

[Harry moans]

So, the craft expo's coming back in a couple weeks.

Barbara said I could sell my ornaments at her booth.

Mmm. That sounds good.

- Mm-hmm. - Come on, Dad.

- I don't want to be late. - Hey.

I have a student council meeting before first period.

- Mmm. Love you. - Bye-bye.

- DENNIS: Go, Beavers. - Go, Beavers.

And just remember: Mango moves, papaya plugs.

- Dad. - Mango moves, papaya plugs.

Stop it.

Hey, Mickey.

So, Leonard is so excited about this show...

that he wants to include it in the presentation next week...

at the affiliates' dinner in New York City.

- That's fantastic. - And we need a sizzle reel,

- and we need it ASAP. - A sizzle reel?

It's only been a week.

We do need it by the end of tomorrow...

so we can include it in the show reel.

Tomorrow?

MICKEY: Shane, steal the dog.

What?

Nobody's at home. Go in the house, steal the dog.

Before they get back from their stupid swap meet.

When you go in, leave the door open a bit,

like it was left unlocked and that's how the dog got out.

But that's fake.

It is absolutely not fake. The dog could have gotten out.

Dogs get out all the time.

All that matters is that their reactions...

are 100% authentic.

It's not like we're not gonna give it back.

Now, go in the house and get the fucking dog.

Hey, Harry.

Here, Harry.

Here-- Here, boy.

Come on, Harry. Come on, Harry.

Ah! Come on, boy.

Shane--

What an idiot.

J-Mo, help him in, help him in.

Don't hurt the dog. Otherwise we're fucked.

Sit over here. You're holding him wrong.

You're gonna break his paw. Shit, here they come back now.

Oh, I'm so hungry too, and I'm exhausted.

AMY: What do you guys want to eat?

KATHERINE: I need to sit down for a few minutes anyway.

- DENNIS: What the-- - AMY: Hmm.

- The door's open. - Oh, my God.

- Did you leave it open? - Do you think someone--

- I didn't leave it open. - You think somebody broke in?

- Where's Harry? - It doesn't look like it.

- AMY: Harry? -KATHERINE: Harry?

Harry? Honey, go upstairs and look and see if the dog's--

Under your bed. How he hides under your bed sometimes.

Now we're getting somewhere.

- You guys, he's not upstairs. - Great. Who left the door open?

- He's ran away, Dad. - I don't know. Let's go look.

Oh! Honey! Harry!

- You go that way. - Harry, where are you?

- You go that way. Come on! - Go that way. Oh!

- Who left the door open? - Oh, my gosh.

Dennis, where's the dog?

This is good. This is good.

You go that way, okay? I'll go this way.

KATHERINE: Fine. I swear, I'm just gonna--

- I didn't-- - Just get in the car.

Yes!

Roll down the windows.

Call for him as we go. Keep your eyes open.

Harry!

This is real human drama now.

[crying]

KATHERINE: He's here. Hurry, hurry, come look.

- AMY: Oh, my God! - WOMAN: Hi.

Oh! Harry!

- [woman laughs] - Oh, you little stinker!

- Oh! - DENNIS: Thank you so much.

- No problem. - Oh, he's--

- Where did you find him? - Sleeping in my tomato plants.

I live a few blocks down that way.

[laughing]

- Nice to meet you. - All right.

- Thank you so much. - Can't thank you enough.

- KATHERINE: Our doggy's home! - DENNIS: Oh, Harry.

Sweet. That's so sweet. Oh, that's good.

Hey. Hey, Val.

So how was I?

Great, great, perfect. Thanks for helping out.

So you gonna tell me what this show is about?

Later, later, later.

Okay. Here we go.

KATHERINE: Come on, come on.

I think it's terrible. It's just terrible.

What's so terrible about it?

To put people under surveillance without their knowledge.

To broadcast all their dirty laundry...

in front of millions of people on television.

Are you kidding me? This poor man and his family.

Poor man? Once these episodes start airing,

this guy's gonna be famous.

Just because something is successful,

it doesn't mean that it's right.

Can't imagine that this isn't gonna land you in jail.

Jail? Absolutely not.

The lawyers have sleuthed-out every loophole.

The network is 100% behind it. They believe in me.

They know I can make these people fascinating.

And frankly I'm bummed out that you're not more supportive.

- Is that Shane? - What?

Over there. Is that Shane at that table?

- Yeah, of course. - Why? What's Shane doing there?

He's filming your close-up. And J-Mo is filming my close-up.

And that plumbing truck is getting the wide master.

You've been taping this whole lunch?

I've been taping everything since I came up with the idea.

- I even taped the pitch. - This is not cool, Mickey.

- This is not cool. - Where you going?

Thank God I saw Shane...

before I talked about my brother's problem.

It wouldn't have killed you to tell me we'd film this lunch.

That's the point of the show.

People don't act naturally when they know they're on camera.

Whatever, whatever.

[sighs] Oh.

♪ Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary ♪

♪ Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary ♪

God!

- Smoked salmon Benedict. - Thank you.

And mimosas.

Ooh-la-la. Booze before 7 a.m.

It is a very special day, isn't it?

DENNIS: Mmm-mmm.

Ten bucks says we get to see some morning sex.

You're on.

- Mmm. Happy Anniversary. - Happy Anniversary.

AMY: Happy Anniversary.

Thank you.

I hate to break up this love-fest,

but I've got cheerleading practice before first period.

- Okay, let's go. - Hurry up, Dad.

MAN: ♪ R-R-Rolexes on the wrist

♪ On the wrist

♪ Ro-Rolexes on the wrist

- ♪ Yeah, mon - ♪ [scratching]

- ♪ On the wrist ♪ - [school bell ringing]

- Gotta run. See you at lunch? - Yeah.

- I love you. - I love you too.

- Bye, Stacy. - Bye.

God, he's so good-looking.

I don't know how you can keep your hands off him.

- You're obsessed with sex. - I am not!

If I had a boyfriend like Mike, I might be.

- You need a boyfriend, period. - Ya think?

There'll be plenty of time for sex and all that stuff...

after we're married.

Yeah, if he waits around that long.

Honey, he will. We have it all planned out.

Oh, yeah, right.

Like Mike is gonna wait till marriage to have sex.

Give me a break.

I bet they hook up tonight.

Lot of those girls who like to stay virgins...

until they're married,

- they'll do anal. - It's true.

Aw, that's gross.

- What? It's true. - Let's hope so.

We could use a little teenage sodomy...

to spice things up on this show.

We are in great shape.

Everyone in New York loves it,

and what they love is that it's real--

real people doing real things, untainted by the knowledge...

that they are being filmed.

This has caught the attention from the affiliates...

and from some pretty big sponsors already.

We are already negotiating product placement deals.

Holy shit balls!

We have Pearly Smile Toothpaste, we have Wrecking Ball Condoms,

and Blump's Peanut Butter.

- BEN: Great! - Wait a minute.

What do you mean, "product placement deals"?

The advertisers, they pay a premium,

which then they cross-promote our show...

through their own advertising network.

I know what a product placement deal is,

but how can I guarantee that the Warwicks...

will use these products if they don't know they're being filmed?

You managed to get all the cameras inside the house.

How hard could it be to get a tube of toothpaste...

in their hands?

No, you stay here.

Housekeeper's gone. House is clear.

Here, put these on.

How's that look? All right, good.

I need you to plant the toothpaste...

in the master bathroom on Katherine's sink.

I need you to put the Wrecking Ball condoms--

Are those for old men with saggy balls?

and I want you to plant them...

in Dennis's gym bag, which is in the master bedroom closet.

And I need you to put the peanut butter...

in the pantry in the kitchen.

Move your ass.

Ugh! Gah. These condoms are crap, by the way.

How the fuck would you know?

You've never been laid a day in your fucking life.

Hey.

Now put the peanut butter in the pantry.

Mickey, check this out.

- Shane-- - Yeah, you want that?

Want that? Yeah? [laughing]

Shane, that's cruel. Stop it. Shane, the dog's gonna choke.

[laughing]

SHANE: He's awesome.

Hey, Mickey.

Shane, Shane, Amy's coming home.

There we go.

She's going in the back door. Out the front door.

Quick! Out the front door!

[doorbell rings]

Shit! Upstairs, quick.

Upstairs.

Shane? Shane?

Shane, can you hear me?

As soon as she's distracted, leave the room, all right?

- Warwick? - Yes.

She's distracted. Now, out, out!

No, wait! Go back, go back! She's coming upstairs!

Closet! Closet!

Oh, shit! Shane!

All right, she's in the bathroom. Move, move!

[barks]

Made it. [panting]

- And with the goods. Oh, yeah. - Shane, sit your ass down!

You almost blew this whole fucking show!

And give me those goddamn panties.

[Harry whining]

Who is it, Harry?

The UPS guy's long gone.

- Hey, Aimsie-waymsie. - Hey, Stace.

- Ready to get your fitness on? - Yeah.

- I'm headed to the gym now. - Okay, sounds good.

Do you want me to pick you up, or should I--

- [coughing] - Amy?

- Ames? Amy, oh, my God! Amy! - [gasping]

- [choking] - Amy!

Give me those fucking panties.

No, they're mine. I earned them.

That's petty theft.

The biggest ships always go down...

because of the smallest offenses.

Do you know what catches most serial killers?

Parking tickets. Do you know what caught Timothy McVeigh?

An expired license plate.

I refuse to let this whole fucking ship go down...

because you stole a pair of panties.

- Now give them to me. - Take a look at this.

- What? - Look at this.

[choking, gasping]

- What the fuck is she doing? - Maybe she has epilepsy.

- [coughing] - Alex, check Amy's...

background medical just one more time.

See if we overlooked some sort of seizure disorder.

Okay, on it.

[moans, grunts]

-We gotta do something. -I don't see anything in here...

about epilepsy or a seizure disorder.

It does say that she has a severe peanut allergy.

Oh, shit!

What did I do?

- You fed peanut butter... - Oh.

to the goddamn dog,

and the dog licked her face!

We gotta call 911. She's dying.

[Amy moans, gasps]

No, we can't call 911.

- We can't call 911. - Why not?

Because we're not supposed to be here, remember?

We're supposed to be invisible. We're nonexistent.

Our cover would be blown. The whole show would be blown.

We've gotta think of something else!

Most people with severe peanut allergies carry epi pens.

Maybe I should run in there and see if she's got one.

I've got one! I've got one!

I have this major bee allergy.

- Here. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You can't run in there with a fucking epi pen.

- That's tough to explain. - Fuck it. I'm gonna save her.

Hey, hey. Shane, get back here!

Shane, get back here!

[horn blares, siren wails]

Who the fuck called an ambulance?

- [line ringing] - 911, what's your emergency?

Hi, my name is Stacy Thorn.

I think my friend's having an allergic reaction.

I just got off the phone with her. She has a peanut allergy.

It sounds like she's going into anaphylactic shock.

DISPATCHER: Help is en route.

- There she is. - [gasps] Oh!

Hi! Oh, my baby!

We lost Blump's Peanut Butter.

Leonard is not very happy.

How the hell was I supposed to know...

that she was deathly allergic to peanuts?

You're supposed to know everything they do, all right?

Do you not have them under all-encompassing surveillance?

Yeah, well, that one fell through the cracks.

Well, my dear, those cracks just cost us...

our biggest sponsor!

[dial tone]

Lupe, we were very, very clear with you...

when we first hired you 10 years ago.

- Twelve. Twelve, honey. - Twelve years ago.

We told you that Amy has a severe allergy to peanuts...

and that you must never, ever under any circumstance...

bring any item into this house...

that was made with or of peanuts.

Sí, sí,Mr. Dennis. No peanuts.

Well, what is this?

Pos--No, no, Mr. Dennis. Don't know.

Lupe, there's no point in lying.

We know that it was you who brought the peanut butter.

- It had to be you. - No, Mr. Dennis. No, no, no.

Me know that no buy peanut butter. Makes Amy sick.

No, no, Lupe. It doesn't just make her sick.

Amy almost died.

Lupe, you've really left us with no other choice.

We're going to have to let you go.

Ay,Mr. Dennis.

We're gonna give you two weeks' pay.

We'll give you a good reference if you need one,

but beyond that we-- we really feel it's best...

if we just terminate this relationship.

[sobbing]

[crying]

[crying]

[sniffling, crying]

Oh...

[crying] I feel terrible.

[sighs] Honey, she's like family.

I feel terrible too.

DENNIS: It had to be done.

[spits]

[sighs]

[exhales]

[huffs]

- What is this? - What's going on?

- What is this? - A box of condoms?

What were they doing in your gym bag?

- My gym bag? - Yes, your gym bag.

Why do you have a box of condoms in your gym bag, Dennis?

We haven't used condoms for 25 years.

I have no idea why there's a box of condoms in my gym bag.

You better do better than that. I'm about to lose it right now.

Why the fuck are you hiding a box of condoms in your gym bag?

Katherine. I swear to God.

I swear on my mother's eyes those are not my condoms.

I have no idea how they got there.

Really. Really.

So they walked by themselves and landed in your gym bag.

I have no idea how they got into my gym bag!

Wait a second.

Those gotta be Craig's.

- Who the hell is Craig? - Craig Sanderson from work.

We work out at the office gym...

at the same time in the morning.

He's a total womanizer.

Always talking about his latest conquests.

He must have put those into my gym bag by mistake...

- while we were getting dressed. - Mmm.

And you expect me to believe that.

You see, I watch way too much daytime television...

to be one of those oblivious idiot housewives...

who choose to ignore all the signals.

Signals? What signals?

Are you intimating that I'm giving off...

all kinds of signals that I'm a cheating husband?

This is a really big fucking signal!

It's not just one lone condom. It's a whole box full of them!

Wait a second.

I wish these were my condoms.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

It means I wish these were my condoms...

because read the goddamn label.

Those condoms are jumbo-sized.

Do you really think that if I was hiding condoms,

I'd be using jumbo-sized?

- Look what it says here! - I see!

"For penises nine inches and larger."

Does that sound like me to you?

Nine inches or longer?

- That guy Craig? - Oh.

I've seen him in the shower.

Those are definitely his condoms.

Jesus.

Slow push in. Dramatic push in. Good.

MICKEY: Nice. Nice.

I love you...

more than anyone has loved anyone...

since they invented love.

I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions like that.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay. I-I--

[chuckles] I understand.

[Katherine sighs]

And just for the record,

your penis is the perfect size for me.

I wouldn't want it a hair bigger.

All right.

All right, boss. Bam. Text away.

[phone buzzing]

All right, so whatever I text now...

will come up on Mike's phone as being from Stacy's number?

Affirmative.

[phone chimes]

[screaming]

God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

- Amy, what happened? - Oh, my God!

- What? - I got into Harvard!

- [screaming] - Oh, ho! Ho--

[videotape rewinding]

What about Amy's college fund?

How much of that is gonna cover her tuition?

Well, if she gets into Harvard, let's say,

- it won't even cover half. - What?

We'll still have to come up with 40 grand a year.

Oh, my God. What about student loans?

She can get a student loan.

We're right in the middle of that Catch-22 tax bracket...

where we do too well to be eligible for much...

and not well enough to where it's not gonna hurt.

Let me talk to Mr. Stonecypher about a raise.

It's been too long anyhow.

Mr. Stonecypher-- [clears throat] Carl?

I've been with the company long enough...

and I've proved myself numerous times--

Dennis, before you continue, come on in. Have a seat.

I've been meaning to talk to you for the last couple of days,

but I needed to get my facts straight before I did.

It's come to my attention that there have been some, uh,

discrepancies in some of your work of late.

- "Discrepancies"? - I was surprised myself,

because generally your work is pretty spit-and-polish,

but a few of our clients that you're on point for...

have contacted me with some complaints...

about errors in their books.

That's impossible.

Well, we had a forensics accounting team...

do a complete audit of the accounts in question,

and, uh, well, there are some pretty glaring faux pas.

I have absolutely no idea how this could have happened.

I never let work go out without triple-checking it.

I don't understand this.

Maybe there's a problem with my computer...

or a glitch in the software.

I'm mortified.

What-What-What-- What can I do?

- Fix it. - Right, I-- Yes, sir.

I will get on this right away.

Oh, yeah, what did you come in here to ask me?

Uh...

Nothing. Never mind.

I'll get on this right away, Mr. Stonecypher.

[Mike grunting]

- Stacy, are you in here? - Uh, yeah.

Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you.

Sorry, Amy. Bad cramps today. I've been really sick.

Oh. Well, take it easy.

No biggie. Meet you on the field, okay?

Oh, yeah, I'll be coming in a minute.

- You definitely will be. - Huh?

Nothing. I didn't say anything.

- All right. See you out there. - All right. Thanks.

[sighs] That was a close one.

Are we horrible people?

What she doesn't know will never hurt her.

- [sighs] - [Mike moans]

WOMAN: The show is not dramatic enough.

What happened to the dark and secret lives these people lead?

With all due respect, we need a little more time...

for the secrets to emerge.

Okay, that's a problem,

'cause we don't have the luxury of time.

This is television. We need to start-- Uh!

We need to start cutting promos in the next month...

to get these sponsors.

No problem. Listen. We promised you guys something...

that's real human drama, salacious and sexy,

and that's exactly what you're gonna get.

Mickey's got three different surveillance teams...

following these people 24/7.

You're gonna get plenty of material for the promos.

Okay, now... [fades]

MAN: Continuing with the basics.

a roux is used as the thickening agent...

for three of the primary mother sauces.

Our grandsauce in classical French cooking.

And if you understand how to make a good roux,

you're halfway there.

Now, today we're gonna partner up into teams of two...

to learn how to make the roux.

Hmm.

[smacks lips] Very nice.

Very nice blond roux.

[chuckles] Wow.

You really do know what you're doing.

So, if you already know how to cook, what brings you here?

Well, my wife got me some cooking classes...

as a 20th wedding anniversary present.

Actually, I think it might have been...

more of a present to herself.

She loves to eat. [snickers]

Guess all the good ones really are taken.

Oh. [nervous chuckle]

[videotape rewinds]

Okay. Here we have the very tall and delightful Tiff Wichmann.

Okay. Next up we have Francesca Corey.

- Hi. - This is Mickey Wagner.

- Mickey, this is Zoe Cozy. - Pleased to meet you.

Has anybody told you what we're doing here?

- Not really. - Okay, it's a reality show.

- Okay. - It's like The Bachelor.

Girls competing for a guy, but what's different here...

is that these girls are competing...

to try and get a married man to have an affair.

Oh, that's sexy.

But he doesn't know that he's on a reality show.

- Oh. - He's under surveillance,

and these girls are just flirting with him,

and whoever can get him to cheat on his wife first wins.

- Okay? - That's awesome.

I have one more question. Uh--

If I do get this part,

and I'm the one that gets this guy to cheat on his wife,

do I actually have to have sex with him?

Well, we-- Well, yeah, of course.

Is that a problem?

FRANCESCA: Dennis! [sighs]

DENNIS: Nice meeting you. See you next Saturday.

Wait. Oh, this is so embarrassing!

My car won't start, and my cell phone battery died,

so I can't even call a cab.

Do you think I could use yours so I could call one?

Sure.

Thank you so much.

I have to go all the way to Prospect Heights.

Prospect Heights? I live in Prospect Heights.

- Get outta town! - Yeah, hop in.

- I'll give you a ride. - Oh, well, thank you so much.

- Sure. - My hero.

[grunts]

All right.

I'm telling you, this was the best anniversary gift...

I've ever given you.

- Dig in. - Mmph.

How was the class anyway? Was it fun? Tell me.

- It was great. - Did you make any new friends?

No.

- Well, thank you so much again. - You're welcome.

- My knight in shining armor. - Oh, please.

Have a good night.

Nobody in particular.

[school bell ringing]

[phone buzzing]

TEACHER: This is the part where scholars and critics agree.

This was Frost's intent is that it's about making...

personal choices, people, and rationalizing. Yes.

Mr. Rudofsky, can I use the restroom?

Sure. Yeah.

Hello?

[shouts]

[moaning]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

All right, Stace, what's so urgent-- [gasps]

- MIKE: Amy. - Oh, my God.

MIKE: Amy.

- What-- - This isn't what it looks like.

Not what it looks like?

My best friend and my boyfriend are fucking.

No, please let me explain.

Why would you do this?

Why would you text me to come see this?

Why would you do that? Oh, my God!

[crying]

[Amy continues crying]

Your mission, should you choose to accept it,

is to make fast friends with this Amy chick.

Okay. So who is she?

Well, she's a total square, very goody-goody,

but she's vulnerable.

She's going through a big heartbreak right now,

and she's very susceptible to a strong influence.

That's where you come in.

Take her for a walk on the wild side?

Exactly, but it's not gonna be easy.

This chick has never had a drink,

never smoked a cigarette, never done a drug.

She's never even had sex.

I love it. So who's in on it?

Who knows I'm not a real student in high school?

Nobody knows, and nobody can ever know.

The students, the teachers, the administrators--

everybody will believe you are 100% a real student.

Holy shit! Let me at her.

[school bell ringing]

MAN: Let's see who's in the office here.

Oh. Amy, are you busy?

- No, Mr. Gates. - Oh, good.

I'd like you to meet Yvonne Morticello.

Yvonne is a new student here at Mid Central.

Amy, I'd like you to give Yvonne the two-cent tour...

of our hallowed halls, please.

- Happy to. - Thank you.

- [giggling] - Which is relevant in that we--

- Hi, Mr. Rudofsky. - Hello.

This is one of our new students, Yvonne Morticello.

This is Mr. Rudofsky. He teaches English.

He's awesome.

Soccer. I love soccer.

Oh, my God. Me, too.

YVONNE: I love to read.

Oh, my God. I love to read, too.

So, this is the auditorium.

Debates, plays--

[whispers] Yeah.

Okay, come on. I'll show you the football field.

You okay?

Yeah, I just don't really like it in here right now.

Um, just some bad memories.

I won't pry, but you look just like I did like a month ago...

when I found out my bitch of a best friend...

and scum of a boyfriend were hooking up behind my back.

Lovely, right?

Are you kidding me? [chuckles]

That exact same thing just happened to me.

That's a really bizarre coincidence.

I don't believe in coincidences.

I just believe in fate.

Looks like I showed up just in time.

You and I need to have a long chat.

- [intercom buzzes] - SECRETARY: Dennis?

Mr. Stonecypher would like to see you in his office.

- Did he say what-- - [line clicks]

- [knocking] - Mr. Stonecy--

Uh, Carl, you wanted to see me?

Have a seat, Dennis.

[Carl clears throat]

Dennis, I'm not good at sugarcoating things,

so I'm just gonna say it.

I have to fire you.

What?

[stammers, clears throat]

But I've been with this company for more than--

I know, umpteen yadda-yadda years,

and that's why I fought for you.

But, uh, due to your recent errors--

But those are problems with the computer.

Irrelevant.

Due to screw-ups attributed to you,

we just lost the Midline account.

Oh, my God. [panting]

Well, let me talk to them.

I can clear it up with one phone call.

Are you kidding? The ship has sailed.

I gave you ample time to fix the irregularities...

with your software,

but magically more discrepancies keep popping up.

But now my I.T. guys say that...

there's nothing wrong with your computer...

or your operating system or your software.

Now, the board of directors told me I have to fire you,

and that's what I'm doing.

And I'm not happy about it, Dennis.

But I have no choice.

[exhales, clears throat]

Okay.

Thank you.

Dennis, what are you-- It-It's--

It's dark out. What are you doing home so late?

Is everything okay?

Honey?

I was fired.

What?

I was just fired.

Well, that's my cue. Um--

You, uh-- Sounds like you guys need a little family time.

If you need me for anything, just call.

Sorry, Dennis.

Oh, my God. Honey, what happened?

[sobbing] I'm sorry.

- Wha-- Oh. - [sobbing]

- I'm so sorry. - Oh, my God. It's okay.

I don't know what we're gonna-- what we're gonna do.

It's okay.

[Dennis crying]

It's okay. It's okay.

I don't know what we're going to do.

How's your show going?

The show is actually coming along pretty well.

Some real human drama is actually starting to unfold.

MICKEY: Amy and her new friend Yvonne...

hit it off like gangbusters.

Two peas in a pod. Turns out they have a ton in common.

Not just their likes and their dislikes,

but both having been betrayed and heartbroken recently.

F-I-G-H-T.

You can't lick the Beavers!

Amy gave her Stacy's spot on the cheerleader squad,

and because Yvonne is so beautiful,

she instantly became super popular at school,

which drives Stacy crazy.

VAL: Sucks to be her.

And Mike still keeps trying to get Amy back any way he can,

but any time Amy seems like she's gonna weaken,

Yvonne is right there to set her straight.

Amy completely trusts Yvonne, which is why Amy is starting...

to do things outside her comfort zone.

Like the other day when Yvonne convinced Amy...

they should ditch school.

Meanwhile, since Dennis got fired,

he's managed to get some pretty high-profile meetings...

at some really top-notch companies.

You know, we do have an immediate opening.

MICKEY: The meetings all seem to go really, really well,

but in the 11th hour,

something always seems to go south.

Carl Stonecypher, please.

This is Elaine Margolis from FGB.

SECRETARY: Hold, please.

Uh, Carl Stonecypher.

Good afternoon.

I'm calling because you're listed as a reference...

on Dennis Warwick's resume.

Your letter of recommendation was beyond glowing, and I--

MICKEY: Dennis never seems to be able to close the deal...

for some reason,

leaving him perpetually unemployed.

You should know that my legal team...

forced me to begrudgingly write that letter of reference.

I should tell you that I personally had to fire...

Mr. Warwick for some pretty egregious grievances.

Oh. I see.

MICKEY: And then to complicate matters at home,

there's all these women.

Do these look ripe to you?

I mean, how do you know?

Do you squeeze 'em?

Well, you just, uh--

- You do what? - You wanna smell the button.

- Oh. [laughs] - Oh.

Sorry. I didn't mean to touch your melon.

- Was it like that? - Hey.

Oh, well, thank you, Dennis.

Nice to meet you, um--

Women are finding him attractive...

and flirting with him,

and it's making his wife very suspicious.

Not only that, but Katherine is starting to show signs...

that she's unsatisfied with their sex life.

Wow.

Wow, that sounds pretty good. You said they were boring.

Sounds like a little mini soap opera is starting to play out.

It's getting there.

The network won't stop breathing down my neck.

Just give me a little more time, okay?

My gentle nudging has planted some real seeds here.

- There is no more time. - Step it up. Add more conflict.

They want more conflict? Fine. I'll give 'em more conflict.

Thank you again for the ride.

My car should be ready by next week.

Happy to oblige.

Dennis, I know you've been generous...

in giving me another ride home,

but could you maybe do me just one more small favor?

Uh, yeah, sure. What is it?

The electricity's been out in the building,

and I'm just a little scared...

walking into the apartment alone.

All the friends I'm staying with are out of town.

Please.

Wow, you're not kidding.

- It is spooky in here. - It's an old building,

and they're rewiring the whole place.

They said it'd be done by tonight, but as you can see--

She's good, she's good, she's good.

See, I told you. I told you she was the good one.

Dennis...

is it bad if I confess something to you?

Oh, I don't know. I guess it depends on what it is.

I mean, if you're gonna confess to a mass killing spree,

then probably, yeah.

You're funny.

Seriously, though.

Is it bad if I confess that I like you?

Oh, well, uh-- [clears throat]

I like you, too, Francesca.

You're a great cooking partner.

No.

I likeyou.

I know you're married and all, but I can't help how I feel.

Is that bad?

Um-- [clears throat]

Well, um, I don't think it's bad to have--

When I first got dumped by my ex,

I never thought I could ever be attracted to anyone again.

Well, uh, F-F-F-Fran-Francesca--

Shh. Can I tell you a secret?

Okay.

There's no problem with my car.

I just wanted you to give me a ride home.

- Oh. - Dennis?

Yeah.

I want you.

Francesca!

This is all very flattering, but I--

I'm a happily married man.

I know you're going through a lot,

and I'm going through a lot, too,

but this is no way for us to solve our problems.

This is just an invitation to more problems.

Listen, I've got to get going.

[door knob rattling]

Je-- Good-bye.

MICKEY: What the fuck?

High-five for not cheating on your wife.

Come on.

High-five for not cheating on your wife.

What the fuck is wrong with this guy?

It definitely does not make for good television...

when a husband refuses to cheat on his wife...

with a series of gorgeous supermodels.

I figured since Dennis refused to cheat,

maybe we could see if we could get...

Katherine to cheat.

- I know that, uh, women are... - Voila.

statistically four times less likely to cheat,

or something like that, but I figure--

I figure it's worth a shot.

Yeah, I like it. The bored suburban housewife angle.

Actually, I like it, too, and I actually think she might do it.

- Great. - 'Cause she's gotta be...

sexually frustrated at this point.

She's only ever been with Mr. 17-Second Man.

- Don't knock 17 seconds. - Ooh, the poor thing.

Who are you thinking of using as bait?

I've rubbed your naked body.

I beg your pardon.

Uh, Mrs. Warwick, right?

Do I know you?

Uh, Chad. I was your masseuse.

I work at that spa in the mall. Salutations, remember?

Oh, my God! Ha. I remember you.

Salutations.

I'm Chad. I'll be giving you your massage today.

I'm so sorry. I didn't recognize you.

- It's not a problem. - You're not in your uniform.

It an out-of-context kind of thing.

- How are you? - Oh, I'm-I'm good. How are you?

I am fantastic, actually. Thank you for asking.

Well, cheers to that. Really.

- Yeah. - So are you, um--

You coming from the gym?

I am training for another Ironman, as a matter of fact.

I gotta get a couple bananas, make a smoothie,

and then I'm off to work, actually.

- Wow. - You should come back in.

I can get you a family rate.

Oh, wow. Uh, that sounds great.

I-- I could actually use another massage.

This is my card. I also do house calls.

It's not affiliated with the spa, but, uh,

my cell's on the back.

Give me a call.

I have to go. I'm off.

But I'll see you later, Mrs. Warwick.

Uh, K-Kat-- Katherine. You can--

- Katherine. - Call me Katherine.

That's what I'm talkin' about, G!

Yes! Okay!

- Okay. Hey. - Congrats, Mickey.

- We're back on track. - Thanks, boys.

Lindsey, of course.

Holy yuck. What did you put in there?

Shh! It's tequila.

Well, it's disgusting. You know I don't drink.

Well, you know I don't drink either,

but I have a shot now and then to help me get over my ex...

a heck of a lot quicker.

Oh, come on. It's no big deal.

Don't let Mike be the one to have all the fun.

Screw it.

[chuckling]

Amy, this is ridiculous.

We've been best friends since we were three.

Can we at least talk about this, please?

Do you smell something?

Something stinks like... hot garbage.

Amy, please, come here. Just for a minute.

What, you don't have a mind of your own anymore?

You gotta look to her?

I'm gonna go to class. See you next Tuesday.

Listen, I know you hate my guts.

I don't blame you. I hate my guts, too.

But I at least wanted to tell you I feel...

so unbelievably terrible about what I did.

I take full responsibility and I'd gladly...

devote my life to doing whatever it takes...

to make things okay between us again.

I miss you. Aimsie-waymsie.

[screaming]

- [Amy shouting] - [students shouting]

[students] Fight! Fight! Fight!

[screaming]

Oh!

[students shouting]

[Amy shouting]

Oh!

[taunting]

Oh, my God.

[students taunting, laughing]

Amy, your behavior in the hallway...

was so public and so abhorrent...

that I really have no choice but to punish you...

in the same way I would any other student.

- I can't play favorites. - We understand.

Amy will be suspended for three days.

What?

She had alcohol on her breath?

Oh, my God. I'm in a state of shock.

She's lucky the school only gave her three days, Dennis.

We cannot let her think that this behavior is acceptable.

- I'm so sorry, Ame. - It's not your fault.

I just went crazy. I don't know what came over me.

It would have been more crazy not to have done what you did.

Anyways, I gotta go, but, um,

use this down time to decompress.

Just think of it like a mini... stay-cation.

Oh, and if you find yourself being too stressed or anxious,

I left you some medicine in the side pocket of your backpack.

Medicine?

Good night, sweet cheeks. Mwah.

[zipper unzipping]

[scoffs] Yvonne, you're crazy.

[chuckles]

KATHERINE: Off you yoga class!

I don't care if it's flipping burgers!

I don't care if it's shoveling dog shit!

I don't care if it's wearing a fucking sandwich!

You need to get your sad sack self out of this house...

and get a fucking job, okay?

Or you're gonna be sleeping on the couch!

- This is fucking humiliating! - Humiliating for you?

Don't you think it's humiliating for me?

I tried to get a job bagging groceries, for God sakes!

They wouldn't hire me!

I have no idea what's going on here.

- What, do I have leprosy? - I don't know,

but fucking figure it out!

Fuck!

Great yoga class today.

Good craft fair today.

Great spinning class today.

WOMAN: Okay, so tell me. Are you having an affair?

- Why would you say that? - Because look at you.

You've never been happier. You've never looked better.

Is it obvious? If you look at me, you can actually tell?

Are you?

- [sighs] - Tell me.

I think I'm in love with him.

Wait a minute. You're having an affair? I knew it!

No, I don't just mean I'm-I'm--

I think I'm really in love with the man.

I would be, too. Are you kidding?

Who wouldn't want to be ravaged by that gorgeous stud?

- [laughing] - Throw him my way...

- when you're tired of him. - Okay, you know what?

I shouldn't have told you.

I'm not just in love with the sex.

- I think I'm in love with him. - Katherine.

- What? - Don't be naive.

Come on. This is the first time in your life...

you're legitimately being fucked.

You're not in love. You're in lust.

And by the way, who cares? Have fun.

[laughing]

I never knew what sex was before Chad, okay?

I certainly never had an orgasm.

-Can't believe I just said that. -Oh, my God!

- Are you kidding? - Uh-uh.

- Nope. - Oh, you poor thing.

For 20 years, I've been married to a man...

who never put a shred of effort into our sex life.

Mmm.

I never knew what I was missing.

Now I'm like a blind person who can suddenly see.

For God's sake.

- Oh. - [chuckles]

I never knew what a sex life could be.

And now that I do, it has me--

it has me very angry.

[audience laughs on TV]

AMY: I'll be home late.

Excuse me. Where do you think you're going, young lady?

Have you forgotten you're still grounded?

I thought I was only grounded through my suspension.

No, you're grounded until further notice.

Well, that's not fair.

I'm sorry. What does fair have to do with it?

Amy, don't back-talk your mother like that, okay?

I'm not back-talking. I'm just saying that it's not fair.

I feel like if the school's forgiven me, my parents do, too.

Just stop right there! You keep this up--

We took away your credit card. We took away your car.

I'm gonna take away your phone.

- What? - Who you going out with?

I was gonna go pick up Yvonne, but I don't have a car anymore.

We were gonna go to that French restaurant.

Oh, the French restaurant.

Have you forgotten your father's out of work?

And again with this Yvonne Morticello.

- Is that the troublemaker? - Yup.

You guys don't even know what you're talking about, okay?

You don't even know her.

She's the only person who's been there for me...

through this Stacy and Mike nightmare.

Well, good for you. You can see her when you're not grounded.

And you know what? Enough of this Mike and Stacy situation.

I'm sick of it!

For God's sake, you don't have cancer...

and you're not homeless.

There are people out there with a lot more problems than you.

So just get over your little pity party, okay?

- I cannot believe you two! - Get over it!

- Who are you? Ugh!

Get upstairs and stay up there!

- [Amy shouts] - [stomping footsteps]

[screaming, grunting]

[screams, grunts]

You don't think we're being a little too hard on her?

Dennis, no, we need to nip this in the bud right now!

-No matter how much it hurts us. -[furniture crashing]

We-We-- We need to show her that she can't act this way.

If we just do this right, we play our cards right,

she will never make these mistakes again.

[gags, coughs]

I hate you!

I hate you!

I hate you!

I hate you!

I hate you! I hate you!

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

[ringing]

[ringing]

- Wake up, loser. - I'm up.

What-- Where are you? It's, like, almost midnight.

I'm outside your house.

Come on. I got some more fun for us to go.

You mean, like, sneak out?

Uh, of course I mean sneak out.

Come on. Your parents will never find out. I promise.

- I can't. - You can.

I'll have you back in a couple of hours, tops.

They'll never be the wiser.

I can't.

[both shouting]

This is so insane.

I'm so freaking out. I'm excited.

[both shouting, laughing]

AMY: Ah!

All right, here we are.

AMY: Where are we? This place is shady.

YVONNE: This fat creep Ed-E's place.

I just need to get some quick cash...

so we can get into the club.

You're not gonna have sex with somebody for money, are you?

[laughs] Are you crazy? Ugh. I would never do that.

- Hello? - Hey, ugly.

It's Yvonne and friend.

It's about damn time. Come on up.

[door buzzes]

[laughing] It's late, Yvonne.

I didn't think you were gonna show up.

This is my BFF, Amy.

- Nice to meet you, Amy. - Hi, Ed-E.

Well, you're a pretty young thing. She's cute.

You creep-o. Don't get any ideas.

Amy's a good little girl.

She'd never do this in a million years.

Do what?

Ed-E's got this skeevy little Web site...

where he takes naked pictures...

of the girls he meets along his travels.

Naked pictures for the Internet?

Relax. My face will be covered.

He pays great for a few quick shots.

It's actually a Russian Web site.

It's only seen in Russian. It's not seen in America at all.

But in case a girl feels uncomfortable,

I let her cover her face with a towel so she's incognito.

- So-- - You do this a lot?

Of course. How else do you think I afford these fabulous shoes?

So, let me get you a drink. Okay? Both you guys.

ED-E: All right?

And you could sit right here and relax...

and, uh, and watch.

It only takes a few minutes.

Made yours a little weaker. [chuckles]

Here you go, honey. [clears throat]

ED-E: Suck it in.

- [shutter clicks] - Nice. There you go.

That's it. Perfect. Okay, lean back more.

Nice, nice.

[shutter clicking]

Turn around. Do some doggy shots.

Sexy body, huh? You don't think so?

Ass up in the air.

- [shutter clicks] - Okay. Hold it.

Put the boob up there like that. That's okay.

We see a nice little hang. Nice natural boobies.

We like natural boobies. That's it. That's the shot!

Beautiful. One.

- [shutter clicks] - And that's it. We are done!

But hold on a minute.

If you wanna go without the towel so I can see your face,

- I'll pay you more money. - Yeah?

- How much more? - Instead of getting $100,

- I'll give you $500. - $500?

You swear no one in America will ever see these?

It's a Russian Web site. It's even spoken in Russian.

You can't even Google this here in America.

Fuck it. Why not?

Wait. You swear?

On my mother's eyes. Hold this.

All right. I'm gonna need another drink for this.

Pour some more shots?

One, two, three.

ED-E: Perfect. Beautiful.

Beautiful. The whole shot's great.

And just do a little spread right there. Suck it in.

Okay, legs a little bit apart.

That's the shot. Beautiful.

Turn around. We'll do some doggy shots.

- [shutter clicking] - Boobies. Booby. Nice.

That's it. Perfect. Don't move.

[shutter clicking]

- Done. Who's next? - No. No, no, no, no.

She'll never do this. She's going to Harvard.

I've shot girls that went to Harvard, Yale, Stanford.

Tuition is very expensive.

Ed-E, don't even go there.

Let her speak for herself.

Honey, would you like to make a little extra spending money?

- I don't-- - Before you give me an answer,

since you're new-- you're not a model by trade--

I'll give you a little bonus.

I could start you out at $1,000.

- YVONNE: $1,000? - Oh, not enough?

I'll give you $1,500.

Ed-E, you're wasting your time. Amy's a virgin.

She's saving everything for her wedding night.

[Ed-E chuckling]

Wai-Wait a second. You're a virgin?

A virgin in my business is more of an endangered species...

than a black Sumatran rhino is to the world.

Well, how about, Miss Virgin,

I give you $2,500?

- $2,500? - Mm-hmm. Come on, sweetie.

You only live once, you know? Come on. Sit over here, honey.

You go switch places here. You come here, honey.

She'll hold your money for you.

- I'm freaking out. - Don't worry about it.

Come on, sweetie. Tuition, expenses.

Food in the cafeteria.

Will you help me here?

Best job I ever had.

Pretty fast, huh? Haven't lost it, have I?

- You're hot. - Thanks.

Thank you. What do you think of her?

Stand up. Let's go.

I want to try you standing. Nice.

Oh, let's see a little cleavage.

Right there. Right there!

That's it. Don't move. Good.

Oh, your underpants, honey.

All right. Good girl.

Show off the booby. There you go. Perfect.

This is really nice.

Right there. So you see it. Let me see booby.

Let's see the tushy.

Let's see your tush. Okay. Right there. Okay.

[shutter clicking]

Okay, lie back.

Little bit apart. There you go. That's it.

Actually, put it on the sofa. Perfect.

- Okay. That's great. - [shutter clicking]

Now, I gotta see one little kiss.

♪

♪ Change my dress

♪ Hush, hush

♪ Love

♪ Hush, hush

♪ [dance music playing]

- Sharon's ready for you guys. - Oh, who is Sharon?

Who's Sharon? Sharon's the new head of the network, okay?

- Leonard was shit-canned. - Leonard got fired?

Dude, get your head out of your ass. Game face.

Okay. Hi there. Thank you.

We've seen all the rough cuts. We've watched all the footage.

And we really like the show.

I mean, we're really happy with the direction it's heading.

- Music from heaven. - [woman giggles]

[laughing] Does this guy know what he is doing, or what?

We do have one little tiny note. We need a happy ending.

- A happy ending? - Yeah.

It's just too depressing.

Look, the audience wants to go on a roller-coaster ride.

But ultimately, they want to know that everything...

is safe and sound and in its place at the end of the day.

- Hmm. - What you have right now--

you've got an out-of-work husband,

a wife who cheats,

a daughter who's completely out of control.

You have to bring them back together.

I mean, I don't know, some unifying event. Right?

Something that they care equally about,

that they could get passionate about,

excited about, forget about their problems.

And reunite in some emotionally satisfying climax.

I don't care what the event is. I won't decide that for you.

I'm gonna leave that up to you and your team of writers.

- Great. - So look. Here's the deal.

Once everything's in the can and we're ready to go to air,

We've decided that The Womanizer will be the show's lead-in.

Oh-- I get a little excited.

That's the network's biggest show right now.

Guys--

MICKEY: All right. [claps hands]

Think, think, think. Ideas. Come on. Be creative.

We need one unifying event, something that will...

make the Warwicks forget about their problems...

and come together as a family.

We could get Dennis's job back.

No, that's not very emotionally charged.

Nobody's gonna cry over a guy getting his accountant job back.

- Keep thinking, keep thinking. - What if Amy got sick?

Rallying around a sick kid in the hospital.

- That's tear-jerky. - Sick with what?

I don't know. Cancer?

Cancer.

Just get Amy sick with cancer.

Just make her get cancer.

You can't just somebody with a fucking cancer gun!

We can shoot someone with a real gun.

Like stage a carjacking or something.

- Possible. - The dog.

- We're not shooting the dog. - No, don't shoot the dog.

The dog is the unifying character.

The dog is the one that will bring the family back together.

Hmm.

Harry.

Amy, I forbid you ever to see that Yvonne Morticello again.

Open up.

Oh, like you have so much respect for him.

Screaming at him all the time for being out of a job.

Making him feel like a total loser. Why don't you get a job?

How dare you? You ungrateful little snatch!

- Keep your hands off me! - DENNIS: That's enough.

- Caffeine. - All right.

- MICKEY: Ha-- J-Mo, you idiot! - Fuck.

Shane, J-Mo, get your asses back in here right now.

They're coming back. We can't be spotted. Get back here!

Uh! [huffs]

Watch the dog!

- Oh! - [screaming]

- ALL: Oh! - You did not just hit the dog!

- I'll back up. - Oh, my God!

- Oh, shit! - Oh, my God!

God, I think you just hit him! Oh, no!

- Oh! Oh! Shit! - Oh, my God!

- KATHERINE: Son of a bitch. - Harry.

- Oh! - Oh, my God!

I didn't see him. He just bolted out!

AMY: You killed Harry! Oh, my God!

KATHERINE: What were you thinking?

- I didn't see him! - You didn't hear me say...

"The dog! Watch the fucking dog!"

He bolted out. I didn't see him. Who left the door unlocked?

- Again! - It wasn't me!

- Oh, my God. - Did you leave it unlocked?

Is this another one of your acts of defiance?

It's my fault that you just killed my dog?

- [Amy shouting] - Oh, God!

- [crying] - DENNIS: Oh.

I will never forgive you for this!

Oh, my God! [crying]

Oh, Harry.

[Katherine crying]

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

There's your happy ending, asshole.

Goddamn it! It was right in front of you!

All you had to do was stop the fricking car!

You think I'd run over my own dog?

Yes! I don't know what to think of you anymore!

- I didn't see the dog. - Where are you going?

- None of your beeswax! - Get your ass back here!

- Amy, come back here. - Get back in here, Amy!

We know you're upset about Harry.

- We're all upset about Harry. - Get away from me!

Let's talk about this like a family.

We're not a family! [sobbing]

Dennis, don't let her drive off!

- AMY: Stop! - I don't blame you.

- I am sorry. - Get off of me!

DENNIS: I don't blame you. It's not your fault.

- It's my fault, Amy. - Talk to Mommy!

Amy talk to Mommy!

- Amy! - Oh, my God!

Somebody follow her. I don't care where she goes.

- Put somebody on her. - Should I chase after her?

I want you out.

- What? - I want you out of this house!

Katherine, I-- I know you don't mean that.

Don't touch me! You disgust me!

Katherine. Where is this coming from all of a sudden?

All of a sudden? Are you really that blind?

- Katherine-- - I want you out!

Now!

♪ [dance music playing]

[chattering]

♪ [continues]

It's all right. My parents aren't going to be back...

from their safari for a month.

It's gonna be a nonstop party.

AMY: Good. I need a distraction.

Ooh. My spies tell me Mike is on his way.

So, remember, when he gets here, you gotta play it totally cool.

Just go right up to him and be like, "Hey' what's up?"

You don't even care that he's here...

because you're so into Tyler.

And Tyler's prepped, and he's gonna play along.

Cool.

Here. Take this.

- What is that? - Ecstasy.

- I don't know. - No, no, no. Don't think.

Think long, think wrong. Just do.

And swallow.

See? Come on.

Let's go out there and be responsible teenagers.

Oh, shit!

This is great. All right.

Do you need me, or can I get in on this?

- Right. - I'm just gonna ignore that.

♪ [rock]

- Amy, can we talk for a minute? - Back off, friend.

- Can't you see she's busy? - Don't call me friend, asshole.

- I wanna talk to my girlfriend. - Ex-girlfriend.

MIKE: Amy, are you drunk?

I am drunk, I am high, I am young, and I'm hot.

I have something very important to talk about,

but it's gotta be in private.

I don't like what's happening to you.

Tough titty!

[Amy chuckles]

She's got nothin' to say to you, Mike.

You stay out of this. You're nothing but trouble.

She's got a new boyfriend now, and you'll have to deal with it.

Oh, and if, uh, you think she's still a virgin,

you're sadly mistaken.

Because Tyler here, he's been fucking the shit out of her.

Oh, and after four years,

you never got to tap that, did you?

Tyler fucked her the night they met.

- Poor Mikey. - Get the fuck outta here.

[sobbing]

[sobbing, sniffling]

FEMALE ASSISTANT: Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

J-MO: Jesus Christ, man.

FEMALE ASSISTANT: Mickey, Mickey--

Just go with it. Just go with it.

He's not gonna do it. He's not gonna do it.

- I think he's gonna do it. - He's too big of a pussy.

He'll never do it.

[breathes heavily]

[doorbell rings]

CHAD: I know you.

[Katherine grunts, moans]

- [moaning] - [pounding on door]

- [pounding on door] - MIKE: Amy!

- [Tyler panting] - [moaning]

Amy!

Amy, open this fucking door!

Fuck you! Keep going.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What the--

MIKE: Fucking bastard!

- Get fucking off me! - Yeah!

Mike, wait! What are you doing?

Stop! You made your choice, now deal with it!

I may have acted like an asshole,

but you're a fucking monster!

You made her into a fucking monster!

Shut the fuck up. Look, fine.

Now have it your way.

I wanted to do this in private, but fuck it!

Nice extracurricular activities, you slut.

- You whore. - [Amy sobbing]

- [kids gasping] - BOY 1: Damn!

BOY 2: Holy sh--

Good-bye, Harvard. Hello, porn career.

You told me no one would see these!

- Ed-E swore to me-- - I hate you!

- You ruined my life! - Amy, wait!

Don't fucking look at those, asshole.

[crying]

Amy!

[sniffles, sobs]

[engine starts]

Amy! Amy, stop!

Elliot, start her up! Elliot, follow her!

[crying]

[Amy crying]

[screams, cries]

[phone chimes, buzzes]

[sobbing]

[screaming]

[grunting]

[phone ringing]

[ringing]

- [grunting, moaning] - [ringing]

[phone ringing]

[sobbing]

[ringing]

[sniffling]

Hello?

This is Dennis Warwick.

What?

My God, is she all right?

[Amy sobbing]

[crying] Oh, my God!

[crying]

[screaming]

God!

[screaming] No!

[sobbing]

[crying]

No! Oh, God, no!

Amy Warwick, please.

Mr. Warwick, I'm Lt. Simmons.

Where's my daughter? Is she all right?

She's all right, but she's inconsolable.

We tried calling your house a number of times...

and no one answered.

Listen, before I take you to her, you should know,

your daughter struck and killed a pregnant woman...

on Hanson Boulevard.

Amy was three times over the legal alcohol limit.

[sighs] God.

[door buzzes]

No! No!

- Let go of me! - COP: Go! Go!

Let go of me! Do something!

Amy!

My baby! Oh!

No! Let go of me!

Let go of me!

Amy! Please!

- SHANE: What do we do? - Oh, my God!

We gotta run in there and tell them about the show.

Just tell them about the cameras and be like, "I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry."

- No, shut the fuck up! - Shut up!

- Shut up! - What do we do?

Shut up! We keep shooting!

Everybody! Why?

People die every day!

We're just capturing it!

Now, just chill, everybody! Be professional!

Mmm. Got another one in you?

Somebody's making up for lost time.

[moans] Twenty years to be exact.

CHAD: Hmm.

[door opens]

[Katherine moaning]

[grunting, moaning]

[Katherine moaning] Oh, my God.

[lovemaking sounds continue]

- KATHERINE: Oh, my God. - [Chad panting]

[Katherine, Chad grunting]

- KATHERINE: Ah! Oh, my, yes! - Fuck.

- No, don't stop. Don't stop! - Fuck! Fuck!

- [grunts] Yes! - [grunting]

[Katherine grunts] Oh, my God.

[moaning continues]

[sighs] This has gone way too far.

- This needs to stop. - Yes, please.

Where the fuck do you think you're going, Shane?

Shit your fucking ass down and shut up.

That goes for every one of you.

[Katherine grunting]

- [Chad grunts] - Oh, God. Yeah.

Ah, don't stop. Don't stop.

- Oh. [pants] - Oh, yeah.

Ah, God.

Oh! Yeah!

- [Chad puffs] - Ah!

Oh, God! Yeah! Don't stop!

[Chad grunting]

- [Katherine pants] - Oh, fuck.

- Huh? What? - Oh, fuck.

Oh, no. No!

- [Dennis grunts] - [grunts] Oh! Uh!

- [grunts] - Ah!

[Chad, Katherine groan]

KATHERINE: No! No! God, help me!

- [Chad, Dennis grunting] - Oh, God!

- [grunts] - [shrieks] Oh! Oh!

[Katherine whimpering]

I just popped in to tell you your daughter's dead.

[screaming]

- Oh! - Ohhh!

Holy shit! He's totally fucking lost it!

FEMALE ASSISTANT: Oh, my God.

Hello, 911. I'd like to report a murder.

What the fuck are you doing? Gimme that fucking phone!

- Gimme that fucking phone! - Oh, God!

- I'm calling 911! - No!

- [gunshot] - CHAD: Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck!

- [gunshot] - [screaming]

[screaming] Oh, fuck! Fuck!

[grunts, gasps]

No! No, no!

Listen! It's not what it looks like!

It's not what you think it is. I'm gonna tell--

[panting] It's a-- It's a show.

- Okay? It's a show. [panting] - What?

It's all a fucking reality show!

You've been the stars of a reality show for months!

- SHANE: Jesus, get off of me! - Mickey, Mickey.

I'm an actor!

I was hired to fucking seduce your wife...

to make the show more interesting!

There's a producer. He--

Fuck! His name's Mickey Wagner, okay?

He's the one that hired me.

He's the one that put me up to this.

He's the one that's had you under surveillance!

There's fucking cameras everywhere.

All over your house. All over your car, your work.

Everywhere!

Dude, you didn't lose your job.

He fucking got you fired!

It's all fake!

He thought your family was too boring for TV,

so he fucking injected conflict to create drama.

He's watching right now from a fucking van across the street.

It's not my fault.

Just let me go. Just let me go.

[whimpers] Let me go!

Cameras everywhere?

[Chad's voice echoing] It's all fake!

It's all a fucking reality show!

[grunting]

Oh, shit.

[growls]

Mickey Wagner?

I'm gonna kill you.

- Drive! Drive! - Boss, boss, look!

- Uh-oh. - SHANE: Oh, fuck.

[shouting]

What the fuck are you waiting for?

Get us the fuck outta here!

- [banging] - I know you're in there!

I can see you!

- Oh, no! - SHANE: Jesus Christ.

You destroyed my family!

You destroyed my life!

Come out of there!

Go, go, go!

[breathes heavily, screams]

[Dennis screams]

- He's gonna kill us! - What's happening?

I'm gonna kill you!

FEMALE ASSISTANT: Oh, God!

You come into my family!

You come into my house!

- [tires squealing] - I'm coming into yours!

Oh, my God!

[shouting]

[electricity crackling]

Uh-- Ow.

FEMALE ASSISTANT: Get up, get up. Get up, get up, get up!

- [crew grunting] - Go!

J-MO: Go, go, go, go, go!

Ah! [grunts]

[Dennis screaming]

- [gunshot] - [Female Assistant screams]

[gunshot]

[gunshot]

- Jeez! - [gunshot]

- MICKEY: Wait! - You're Mickey Wagner.

Dennis, just calm down.

Why did you do this to me?

Why did you do this? I had the perfect life.

And now I have nothing.

Because of you.

Dennis, it is an honor...

to finally meet you face to face.

I-- I feel as though...

I've come to know you and your wonderful family...

in a way that nobody has ever come to know you before.

Cut the bullshit!

I wanna know why?

Because... I wanted to make good television.

I wanted to make you a star.

Now, Dennis...

there's a silver lining to this.

If you can just see beyond this moment...

and take in the big picture here.

I know-- I know you're in a lot of pain right now.

But if you trust me, I can help you...

turn this pain...

into fame.

Fuck fame!

[gunshots]

[police radio chatter]

[static]

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