Original subtitles

♪♪♪

♪ Don't care what you think about it ♪

♪ Ain't here to please nobody ♪

♪ I'm a-running undercover

♪ Here comes trouble now

♪♪♪

♪ Me and my wicked ways

♪ I'll get you into trouble now ♪

♪ It's just so hard to behave ♪

♪ Got you seeing double now ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I'm the one your mama told you ♪

♪ Oh, boy, the world is torture ♪

♪ A risk you can't afford

♪ And here comes trouble now

♪ Turning it up all night

♪ Got you feeling high

♪ Turning it up all night

♪ Got you feeling high

♪ Get you into trouble now

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

- What animal would best represent me in bed?

I would say maybe a wombat.

Wombats are like, you know,

they're a little pudgy and hairy, slightly exotic.

They have a strength to them, but they're cute and cuddly.

But also, you know, they could be a little vicious

if you mess with them.

- I think a wolf puppy

would probably be my spirit animal in the bedroom.

I have a lot of energy, and I want to jump up and down...

[ laughs ]

Bite and scratch and consume the one I'm having sex with.

- My wife would answer that question better than I could.

From her perspective, I'm like sloth or snail.

- I would say a caterpillar, right? Because here's why.

A caterpillar blossoms into a beautiful butterfly, right?

And so if the communication and the consent is there

and I'm happy, then I become the butterfly.

You get all the colors of the butterfly.

- When it comes to role playing as an animal in the bedroom,

I would have to say being a lion

because I'm the type that falls asleep after sex. [ laughs ]

- I kind of consider myself

a very animalistic person all the time.

It makes me feel like I'm some kind of crow or owl.

- Hmm, what animal? That really depends how I'm feeling.

But I guess I would say a bunny.

Like they're always fucking, right? So a bunny.

- Maybe I'll try being a tiger tonight and see what happens.

[ laughs ] - Maybe.

- My name is Amanda. - My name is Mike.

- My name is Angela. - Augusta.

- Bryan, and this is.. - And this...

- And this...

- And this is our "Sex Life."

♪♪♪

- I think when it comes to kinks,

a lot of people are just looking for that permission.

Everyone's got something that they're into.

Kink is anything that's not just penetrative sex.

- Being into underwear, high heels, stockings,

all those things have become mainstream,

and so many people have those kinks that it's just normalized.

Other people have really specific kinks

that socially aren't accepted in mainstream life.

- Aah!

- Some people have a slave-master relationship.

Others have a daddy-voyeur relationship.

We have a daddy-pup relationship.

And we encourage that and act on those without shame.

♪♪♪

- We started dating about five--

Oh, my God. Five years ago now. [ laughs ]

We met at a library in the publication section.

[ laughs ] - No, that's not where we met.

We would go to these kink conventions and do demos.

- Think of Comic-Con, but with leather and latex

and just be hallways full of kinksters of all kinds.

♪♪♪

- And Amp was just kind of milling around in the audience.

And when I was done with tying up these jock-like boys,

I kind of had a lull.

And he was cute and I said, "Do you wanna get tied up?"

And what was your response?

- "I am a puppy and I'm just here to make you happy."

♪♪♪

Puppy Play is an animal role play

where generally there's two people involved--

a top and a bottom. - Ready to play?

- Yeah.

The bottom gets into a head space

where they are pretending to be a puppy that's barking,

that's rolling around, that's playing.

[ barking ]

Not even necessarily about sex.

People use it as like a therapeutic

getting out of their head for the day.

- Bring it here. - They are not an actual dog.

It's not about bestiality. - Right here.

- No animals are involved.

[ grunting ]

It's just humans role playing as an animal.

- Fetch.

- For me, a puppy.

- Mm.

- It's a wonderful, very intimate thing

that I want to share with him...

- [ speaks indistinctly ]

- ... and that we get to share together.

It makes us closer.

- Oh, yeah. Love you, puppy.

But it's also bringing in this new cuddle-loving vibe

that I've never had before.

- We are two kinksters in a relationship.

I'm into Puppy Play,

and Christopher-- he's into Pony Play.

♪♪♪

This weekend, we are going up to a farm.

And I'm actually gonna get to see Christopher

do some Pony Play for the first time.

- Let's go!

- I've always seen, like, pictures.

I've seen little clips here or there,

but I've never really seen it in person.

Well, I'm excited. - Are you?

- I think it'll be fun. I think it will be interesting.

- It's not gonna be weird seeing me led around and...

- I don't think it'll be weird.

I mean, you're getting to express yourself.

You're doing it with people that you trust.

- Pony Play is a BDSM dynamic people get into

to experience the feeling of being a horse.

And sometimes it can be erotic,

but a lot of times, it can be just the mindset of it.

- So how do ponies talk? Like, how do they communicate?

- They whinny, which I don't know how to do.

They nuzzle, and they trot.

- Can you give me your best whinny?

- [ imitates horse whinny ]

Yeah, see? Not good. - We'll work on that.

♪♪♪

[ rain falling ]

[ rooster crows ]

Here we are. The cute little white house.

[ dog barks ]

- Being born in Wyoming and growing up in Colorado,

horses have always just been this kind of spiritual,

peaceful animal to me. [ horse blusters ]

So that's why I kind of gravitate towards them.

Hi.

[ horse nickers ]

Well, hello. [ laughs ]

- Hi. - [ grunt s]

- Chris and myself both have our own kinks and our own people

that we play with on occasion because we are open in that way.

We are poly. - Hmm.

- It's all about love and having a good time

and expressing ourselves and... - Like showing up.

- Yeah, you're so cute.

- [ laughs ]

- So let's go in back.

- We'll see you later.

- All right, show me what we're working with.

- Okay, so this is the main barn.

What would you normally do in a place like this? Ooh, rope!

- I wouldn't gallop or trot, but there is lots of bondage.

Tie points. Bobby!

- What? - Get down there.

- [ chuckles ] - You're incorrigible.

See, this is the difference between puppies and horses.

Horses don't climb. I don't think puppies do either.

- I don't think puppies do either.

- [ lowered voice ] Shh! Don't tell him. Don't tell him.

So I do have dynamic with my puppy

where I'm his dom, and he's my sub.

But also, I like to be submissive, and I like to serve.

Danny and I have played before.

And I knew he's dom enough to control me.

- I had never thought about being a Pony trainer

until I met Christopher.

Pony Play is more of straight kink culture.

There's not a lot of gay men who are into Pony Play.

Christopher's kind of rare.

- I'm a little nervous, maybe a little apprehensive.

But I'm also going into it with a fascination about it.

It's kind of looking behind the veil.

- Bobby? - Yeah?

- Need some help?

- [ laughs ]

- Brush. Brush. Shh.

This one goes...oh, you're totally in the wrong strap.

That's why. Here, hold that.

- This is why Ponies don't dress themselves.

- You're a piece of work. - You're a piece of work.

- Putting on of the gear is symbolic.

Let's say you work in a business firm of some sort.

Something that might help you get into the head space

is you're gonna put on your suit and tie.

- Um... - Is it backwards?

- Yes. - [ laughs ]

- Suspenders, vest, blazer, dress shoes, you walk out.

And because you look a certain way, you feel a certain way.

I think yours is exactly the same.

It helps to tap into this kind of amplification of masculinity

or this kind of carnal persona.

And so that's like part of the foreplay.

- Putting on the gear...

that starts to make me feel like an animal.

It's like becoming something else.

[ grunting ]

Breathing is heavy and you feel like an animal.

[ grunting ]

- Ready to go for a walk? - [ grunts ]

- Show me what you can do? Yeah?

- That's very satisfying.

And in the inside, it plays my BDSM slave roles.

- Follow me. Left, right, left, right.

Halt. Feeling good, pony? - [ grunting ]

- Aw, I think he likes that. Forward, march!

One of the things I like most about subbing

and especially Pony Play... - Halt.

- ...is not having to make a decision.

[ whip cracks ] - Go.

- When you're a dom,

you are in control of the scene at all times.

- Whoa.

- The bottom's getting all of the pleasure and enjoyment

most of the time.

So subbing and being a Pony... - Good boy.

- ...is awesome.

[ horse nickers ]

Oh! Oh! [ inhales sharply ]

- Breathe. Breathe.

- I'm into impact play, so I'm into flogging and whips.

- Chest out.

- [ mutters and laughs ]

[ laughter ]

- Chin up. Good Pony.

Oh! [ laughs ]

If you're warmed up gently...

Oh! [ laughs ]

It wakes you up.

Ohh! [ laughs ]

Oh. [ laughs ]

- [ laughs ]

- Whoo. Aah! - I love my job.

- And your endorphins start to flow.

The harder they hit...

- Oh! Oh!

- The more endorphins go out. - [ laughs ]

- Oh! Oh!

Aah! [ groans ]

- Very well done. Very well done. What a show pony.

- [ grunting ]

- You look so beautiful with those on.

Head down.

[ horse blustering ]

Go forward, Pony.

You have such a nice ass, Pony.

I get to look at this all day.

Slow. To your right.

Forward. Halt.

Shall we adjust the hood? - Slip it in the back maybe?

- Okay. Does the strap need to move up?

- Mnh-mnh. - Nope.

- Just this. - Uh-huh.

- Are we good? - Uh-huh.

- Go.

- Chris is definitely a workhorse.

- There we go. - [ grunts ]

He is a big, strong stallion.

And that's who he is and wants to express in the inside.

- [ grunts ]

- And that's really beautiful because you're not filtered.

You are in your own space in that point in time,

which is just gorgeous.

So did you have a good time?

- Uh, yeah. It was very interesting.

Because I really sink into the head space of it,

especially that one part where I kind of--my hood fell

in the beginning because it wasn't tight enough.

- I saw that. [ laughs ]

- So all I could see was the ground.

[ laughter ] - I saw that.

That's why I immediately went over and pushed it back up.

- Thank you. You were attuned to those things,

and you saw them and fixed it.

That was kind of comforting to me.

- Aw. I might be the puppy and I might be the submissive,

but I'm always taking care of him

the same way that he takes care of me.

That's our dynamic. That's how we are with each other.

I had a good time, too.

I thought it was very touching seeing you connect with someone.

It was really cute, and Danny's a lot of fun.

- Yeah.

- And there were just little bits and pieces where I thought

it was really funny to watch you.

- [ laughs ] Okay.

- Thank you for letting me watch it.

- Yeah.

♪♪♪

[ horn honks ]

When it comes to animal role play in general,

there's a lot of misconceptions.

People see the gear and they see the harnesses and the latex

and the leather and they just think that people are...

- Freaks.

- Yeah, well, for lack of a better term. [ laughs ]

- It's consenting adults just enjoying themselves.

Good boy, good boy.

- When I'm in, like, Puppy Play head space...

- You wanna play? - [ barks ]

And we're going to be getting into a very personal,

very intimate space that only we're sharing with each other,

I really enjoy being submissive because I'm giving myself fully

to someone that I trust, that I know understands what I enjoy,

but that is also looking out for me

and my best interests at all times.

- Kiss this side. Kiss it. Good.

[ moaning ]

- You're in this heightened state

that's almost spiritual in a way

that you're sharing with someone.

It's really beautiful. - [ moans ]

- We have a very loving relationship.

- Up! Come on. - And it's evolved over time.

- Good boy.

- My collar-- it's almost like a wedding ring.

- It's between us. - Yeah.

It's a relationship.

- [ moans ]

- Why do you have to call it anything else?

- [ moaning ]

♪♪♪

- Have I ever named any of my body parts?

Uh, you know, knee, ear, elbow,

like I just use the standard names.

- Baby Baphomet. That'd be a cute name for a vagina.

[ baby voice ] Little baby devil.

[ laughs ]

- I do call my vagina, uh, "her."

So in times when I'm extremely horny,

or I'm really interested in finding a sex partner,

I like to joke, "Yeah, she's on the hunt.

'Cause it's not really me. It's her."

- Yeah, there was one person I was with.

His was "the weapons of ass destruction." [ laughs ]

- These are my webs, and this is Penny.

Because my husband's penis is Piggy,

and Piggy is going to pig pen. So this is Penny.

[ laughs ] So stupid.

- Just with my high school girlfriend,

we use to call my... [ chuckles ] "the lighthouse."

Uh-oh, the lighthouse has awoken from his slumber.

- I don't know if we have names for body parts yet.

- Mnh-mnh. - So do we call him Derek Booty

'cause he's got quite a nice booty.

- Well, these are my chi-chis. That's not really a nickname.

It's just fun to say, like, "Say Chi-chi."

- I mean, I guess sometimes we call Matt "coarse cock."

Just depends, you know? - [ laughs ]

That's actually true. That's funny. [ laughs ]

- I've had girls who named their vagina.

I thought it would be odd. It's not.

That means like, this-- "My vagina's named Mary."

I'm like, "Why? Why is it named that?"

"That rhymes with hairy." So now I'm fucking Hairy Mary.

♪♪♪

- Joshua Tree and the desert are an amazing setting

for couples to drop into a deeper connection

and bring that intimacy back into the relationship.

There's just something about being in nature alone

and being stripped of a lot of the things

that are normally around us.

- It creates space, stillness. The desert is transformational.

There's magic here.

It's hard to describe.

- After seven years of being with someone, we're in love,

but at the same time, we are struggling in the relationship.

This weekend gives us a tool maybe to fall in love again.

- When I first met Michael, the sex life was incredible.

It's just like we jumped into it pretty quickly.

But then we got married, and then we started a business.

And I realized that we weren't connecting physically

or intimately as much as we were in the beginning.

Like, I'd be lying to say if I didn't experience doubt.

Are we a right fit?

- That's fancy.

[ gears shift ]

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi! Welcome. We're so glad you guys are here.

I'm Alexandra Roxo,

and I'm a spiritual teacher and transformational coach.

And I am here this weekend to lead a retreat for couples.

- Oh! - [ laughs ]

My name is Joe LeMieux, and I'm a meditation and yoga teacher.

When we host a retreat like this,

what we find usually is that the couples that show up

really want to drop into a deeper connection,

more intimacy in their relationship.

- Take your shoes off. - Okay.

- And--and get cozy on the-- - Did you meet yet?

Did everybody meet? - No.

- No. [ laughter ]

- I'm Jamie. - Jamie?

- I'm Alex. - Alex.

- I feel like the connection between Jamie and I

is very strong, loving, and very deep.

- Okay, cool. Let's close our eyes

and take a moment to arrive.

- Coming on this retreat seemed like a good opportunity

to be closer to each other

and explore new parts of our relationship, I guess.

- You're just starting to drop into your breath.

[ exhales deeply ]

Just sending yourself the message that I'm here,

I'm present, I'm open.

- [ all exhaling deeply ]

- If you could leave this weekend

with a gift to your relationship,

what might that be?

This weekend, we'll practice different things,

practicing love, practicing connecting,

practicing being vulnerable, practicing being open.

Because sometimes we forget.

- I want to find out the sex is

and how you can invite more pleasure, more spontaneity,

into that world and find out how it's going.

So tell me everything. - Everything. [ laughs ]

- All areas of the relationship are related.

So you can't really compartmentalize,

oh, the sex is bad, but the love is great.

'Cause it's just not. It's all connected.

If the sex is off, it's an indicator

that there's some block to true connection.

- A lot of it has been my relationship with sex

after marriage. - Mm-hmm.

- You know? Like, it's so different.

There is definitely something in me that

started to shut down where I was not finding myself desiring him.

There was an energy shift.

- I feel like-- like we have regular sex.

I want it more than she does,

and I think it's because I have not created a space

where she can be fully relaxed.

I would love to have that more.

- Yeah. Well, allowing her to open in a way...

- And I have to open, yeah.

- He is so attracted to me

nonstop to the point where I feel like

I go into--like, that's when I go into protector mode.

- Yeah. - Like, okay, I need just

to be in my own personal space.

- Desire is a complex thing

because sometimes too much love, too much cuddling,

too much touching, takes away desire.

I feel like it's always like, okay, now we have,

you know, half an hour. We're tired already.

It just needs to happen because it hasn't happened in three days

because we are working from 6 a.m. till 10 p.m. every day.

- Mm.

The reason that we put together these workshops

in the first place is really to draw together that intimacy.

If you're building intimacy

and you're doing, like, really deep intimacy exercises,

your sex without a doubt is going to get better.

- We're gonna start the evening with a little meditation.

And then we're gonna share

our intentions for the weekend together

and really talk about why you came.

You're here for the relationship.

This weekend is about having better sex.

So when you work on the space of connection and communication,

you're opening up the channel for better sex.

- We're running a business, so we're always on it.

And I really want to-- for myself,

I want to have this space to allow love to arise.

I feel like I become needy easily.

I love, like, bodily attention and--and hugging.

I feel like she doesn't need it so much than I do.

And just asking what I want can push her further away.

- I come from this massive Mexican family,

and, like, everyone's so judgmental.

And, like, I realize how much of that I've taken on

and so because I find myself,

like, being in, like, judgment mode.

- I feel like I'm--I'm judged from you, and you don't say it.

- It's probably true.

That's not what I want. Like, I don't want the person

who I love most to feel that way.

And it's not necessarily something I'm proud of.

There was definitely a time this week

where I was feeling the-- like, a lot of anger.

And feeling like, okay, I gotta, like, clean this shit up...

- Mm-hmm.

- Because there's no room for that here.

- Okay. - Hmm.

- So in a second, we're gonna switch into some practice

before we close the evening.

I can see it in the way they look at each other

and the way that they interact

that the intimacy has been sort of compromised.

They know that if they come here and that they spend this time,

that they are gonna have go into the scary territory

of dealing with some of the shit that they don't want to.

But it seems like they're super stoked to do that.

Close your eyes. I just want to draw a connection

to the heartbeat of the partner who's laying down.

The reason that you put your hand on your partner's heart

is to really connect you to your partner.

For the receiver, it is a big challenge to allow yourself

to just relax and receive that care

and allowing your heart to drive the communication.

You want to invite the partner who's laying down

to just receive.

- His hand felt so heavy.

This is the story of our relationship.

His energy feels so heavy for me sometimes.

This is supposed to be super simple,

and yet I'm feeling disconnected from him.

Is this gonna work for us?

Are we going to be able to take everything in and apply it

and get what we want out of it? I don't know.

Just allowing your hand, your touch,

to provide a gentle sense of safety.

- When Marissa put her hands on my heart,

I felt that she tried to hold back to put her full weight

with her arms and hands on my heart.

I wanted to let go and, like, put her hands fully on my heart.

I feel really bad and sad inside, actually.

- That is the completion of our first session together.

It felt more like a disconnection

than a connection, actually, at this moment.

♪♪♪

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Hello!

- These are your spots

'cause Joe's gonna take your beautiful,

amazing partners outside.

- See you later. - Bye.

- Thanks. You, too.

- It was clear that last night Marissa and Michael

had some trouble even in that

really simple connecting exercise.

- [ exhales deeply ]

- She's feeling kind of smothered even by his presence.

So this morning, we're going to split the couples up

with the men and the women.

I'm going to try to get some vulnerability

in a space without the partners present.

We're gonna start our time this morning

in a safe space, just us.

And I want to lead you guys to practice

feeling the spectrum of your emotions.

And the way we're gonna do that is using breath.

This is basic breath work.

For the women, it's gonna be important

in order to feel their feelings

and feel connection that it's in the body and not in the mind.

The breath slows down the nervous system which opens us.

And in that opening, we find love.

So breathe into my hand here. [ inhales deeply ]

And big breath and then... [ exhales deeply ]

And, Lenise, I want you to take your breath

even bigger over there.

- [ exhaling deeply ]

- Because a part of her feels unexpressed,

what I want to do is create a space where she can open.

- [ exhales deeply ]

- I feel like she's ready to let it out in a way

that feels safe to her, that it isn't under pressure.

[ exhales deeply ]

- Our partners are doing work on themselves, deep work.

So we need to be able to match that.

What I'm hoping to do with Michael

is get him really connected and deep into his body

and what his purpose for being in the relationship is.

Here's what I want you to do.

I want you to rub your hands together

and just take a nice deep breath, connect.

I really want to wake him up.

Good.

And I think that for him,

it involves doing more work on himself.

Move closer so that you're coming knee to knee.

Put your hands up in the air, thumbs up. Good.

Michael believes that by being so loving to her

that that is actually serving the relationship, and it's not.

It's too much for her. He needs to, like, back off.

Good, good. Keep going. Fight through the challenge.

Match breath. Go, go, go, go.

- [ exhaling deeply ] - I'm ready to add

some more sound on your exhale.

- This breathing-- it's challenging.

You know, it really is like doing crunches,

but from the inside.

- Give yourself the opportunity to try something.

[ exhales deeply ]

- [ groans and laughs ]

- A lot of times for women,

all the past hurts start to rise, and tears come.

- [ exhaling deeply ]

Once I got to that point,

it, like, took me into an even deeper layer of emotions

and just, like, going into that state of vulnerability

and, like, allowing myself to-- to cry.

It's something that I always would put the brakes on.

- Open your eyes. Go right eye to right eye

and begin breath power again.

- [ panting ]

- Grab. Grab. Grab. Yeah, good. Hold your partner.

- I like to please everyone.

I want to make sure everyone is happy all the time.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

I need to let it go.

♪♪♪

- Wow, you guys look amazing.

Today's exercises were all to soften and open

so that tonight you can have a date night

and a night of connecting,

but from that place that you found earlier.

The evening will be a journey through the senses.

There are five different stations set up in the house

for you to experience a ritual

of connecting with the sense and each other.

What we've set up are these kind of like micro dates,

little experiences.

And we'll do little experiences in different rooms of the house

for them to visit as if they're on an adventure date.

I love that every single day we are creating together.

From the moment we wake up in the morning

till the moment we go to sleep, we're creating a space for us.

- [ chuckling ]

I'm trying to break through the shell of Marissa.

Vulnerability is necessary to feel each other

to tap into our hearts and connect on a deeper level.

So I'm hoping that Marissa is able to find

even more vulnerability in her being so we are connecting.

- I realize in our relationship,

he's the one constantly after me.

And it was nice to be in a space

where I'm giving myself to him without him chasing me.

- Mm. Thank you.

- You're welcome. It's funny because as massage therapists,

we're constantly connecting physically to others.

It's like when we do it for work,

it's not something we necessarily are like...

[ laughs ] really wanting to do it for each other.

But I love how open-hearted you are

and how much you strive to just be

the best man you can possibly be.

I think there are definitely moments where it was fun,

but probably not feeling, like, super connected.

Because there is some kind of, like, unfinished business

that hasn't necessarily been addressed quite yet.

♪♪♪

- Well, we're gonna end with one more short practice together.

We facilitate a process with breath,

with the gazing of the eyes, and we see what comes up.

Gazing left eye to left eye and breath from a deep belly breath.

We really want to pierce one more veil.

By staring your partner in the eyes and just breathing,

taking away words, that's where the intimacy happens

'cause that's an opening.

So giving them that container where we're there

and we're like, "You got this," something will happen.

- Jamie and Michael, just start to bring and invite in

what we talked about a little bit this morning

and feel what she's giving to you right now.

- For me, it's super important to being in a masculine space

so she can feel me and just, like, allow herself

to just be vulnerable and open.

- Loosen up. You can-- you can allow that.

- Then I see him moving and then I get--

- You don't like it. Okay, so give him a reaction,

a nonverbal reaction here. - [ growls ]

- So that's how it feels, right?

So you lost trust when he did that. Is that correct?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

Is he bringing you enough that you're willing

to take the risk and go there again?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah? Okay, good. So take a deep breath.

- [ inhales and exhales deeply ]

- And stop smiling, Michael.

Hold the space, drop the jaw.

- You want to stay authentic always.

So if it's more frustration, let it out.

- Alexandra was guiding me to these spaces, allowing myself

to be completely self-expressive

and not having to necessarily do so in words.

[ yells ]

- Good, good. Breathe. Allow that. That's fine.

Allowing myself to just sound out the feeling

of what was coming up,

and I didn't realize how annoyed I would get

at some of the simplest, smallest things.

Aah! [ growls ]

Being vulnerable is giving myself total permission

to feel what I'm feeling.

A lot of times, I don't let myself go there.

It's a scary place.

- Don't judge yourself. - [ groans ]

- Yes, keep--keep going. Let it out.

- [ crying ]

- Let it out. Up and out. You're doing good.

You're doing so good. Sound, yes.

- [ sighs and gasps ]

Ugh!

[ exhales deeply ]

[ screams ]

- Good. Breathe in and breath deep.

- [ inhales deeply ]

- Let it out. - [ sobs ]

- Yes. Don't stop. I know it's hard.

There's people here. You're doing so good.

- [ sighs ]

[ screams ]

[ groans ]

- I want you to give him one piece of feedback.

"I would need you to..."

I would need for you to keep this solid foundation

for me to do this and feel safe to express myself fully.

I feel like I have to put a cap on it or to...

be peaceful all the fucking time,

to be okay to...

...fucking lose it sometimes.

- I felt her. I felt her heart

in that moment when she was sharing.

I felt like this deep sense of connection to her.

- Just receive it and not process me and try to fix it

and make me feel wrong.

- So how might he do that?

- Soften the gaze, soften the jaws,

soften the heart.

That felt really nice to be able to make that connection

to what Alexandra was talking about this morning.

It was just pure emotion.

Wow, I really love this man and how he's showing up for me

and how I'm feeling so supported and loved by him.

I feel it's like less pressure on my heart.

- Mm.

- I feel like I'm-- I'm starting to reconnect.

I feel like we're moving as a unit forward.

It just feels right.

Like, I feel so much more closer to her

than before we came into this work.

- [ laughs ]

Like, it's way more of a massive shift

than I thought I was gonna get.

- Thank you for honoring us with your time.

♪♪♪

- I've never watched clown porn.

I've watched little people porn and a lot of double penetration.

- I actually have a clown fetish.

I love watching clown porn.

I love jerking off to clown porn,

and I've actually had clown sex a few times,

and I have to say it was extremely exciting.

- Clowns are kind of terrifying to me. [ laughs ]

They're just very creepy, I would say.

- I'm not a big fan of clowns in general.

I watched "It" when I was little, like the original "It."

It definitely scared me a lot.

- I dated a clown. The first date, I saw her naked

and I was a little disappointed

because her feet were normal size,

but other than that, beautiful, beautiful woman.

- This one time with an ex-boyfriend,

he wore a clown mask, and we were having sex.

And we're about to climax and I thought I should be respectful.

I should look at him in his human face

before I actually climaxed, and I was like,

"Take off the mask." He took off the mask.

I totally lost my erection.

♪♪♪

- You want something exciting?

Staring into my pretty little face?

Finding yourself...aroused?

By awe of quality, it's like a big good or your pink nose.

Big shiny, pink lips. Oh, yeah.

Clown features turn you on.

Don't you just love...clowns?

♪♪♪

[ birds calling ]

I'm Kitzi. I'm a mother of two.

[ laughs ]

I live in sunny Florida.

You can see me on the beach.

You can see me tanning at the pool,

out paddleboarding,

a very normal life compared to what you picture

when you hear clown dominatrix, right?

I've been a clown dominatrix for seven years.

Before I started as Kitzi, I bounced around from job to job.

I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I was a stripper.

I very much enjoyed stripping. I loved the sexual aspect of it.

I loved putting on a show, but something wasn't quite there.

And the first time I filmed in clown makeup,

I realized this is it.

Oh, it scratched that itch.

[ singsongy ] I have something you really want,

you really want.

Clown porn is really hard to find online.

Uh-huh.

I saw no domination, no humiliation, no power play.

And so it was very important to me to create the porn

that I wanted to see.

♪♪♪

I think I was drawn to clown domination more so

than a more vanilla domination because I was raised by a clown.

My dad's been a clown my whole life,

and that was a huge influence.

And I really put that into my mind that I also want

to follow in his big, clowny footsteps.

I also wanted to be a clown.

I still go to his house, and I'll see a prop I want,

and I beg for it.

Like the carousel pony that appears in my videos a lot,

my dad made that.

The clown faces that appear, my dad made that

because he's still a big influence on my life.

I so admire him and his character.

And it makes me feel really good knowing

that there's no time limit on clowning.

I can be a clown well into my 60s as well.

We're gonna get it with the gumdrop glitter.

Ahh! Right now I'm looking for a new clown nose.

I need to replace my clown nose once a year.

It just gets worn out, cracked, full of glue.

You can pick it to sort of extend the life of your nose.

But I think we're going to go with a slightly different shape.

I'm thinking something a little more upturned

and snobby like a clown princess.

It's so cute. That's the next one.

Oh, look how snooty.

Maybe I could even get a new wig to wear with it.

Because I have been a ginger clown for quite some time.

Maybe it would be fun to switch it up

to a pale pink glittery nose and some pale pink hair

and just be a little cotton candy princess

for a while.

When people come to Kitzi's Online Circus,

when they see and notice the little details

like rhinestones on my face, the perfect wig,

the perfect nose,

it helps them sort of meld into my little world with me,

because I'm already in character.

I need to bring them into the world with me

where, yes, clown dominatrixes do exist

and they do strive to overrule human men.

That's the whole goal, right?

Just getting them to be little slaves and bitches,

let them feel like they're here with me,

and those little details are what makes it.

♪♪♪

When I'm getting into clown makeup,

I never like to start with a bare base.

I usually like to start painting over my human foundation

that I've already had on for the day.

I've always liked a more lived-in, grungier clown

like they've been in their makeup for hours.

And so mixing the greasepaint with a foundation

gives more of a realistic effect.

And then I do the arched eyebrows,

which also helps kind of reel people in a little bit,

because a sign of recognition that humans do with each other

when they recognize another human,

they subconsciously raise their eyebrows.

I do dark, dark makeup around my eyes, nice and dramatic.

Because clowns should have big doe eyes to drag you in.

I always glue the rhinestones to my face because it's fun,

and I like to sparkle even with my makeup.

I typically go for big, pink lips.

I over-line mine so the big kissy clown lips.

And I draw on a big happy smile

because I'm always a happy clown.

And then I'm ready for the final step,

my personal favorite, gluing on my clown nose.

It feels so good getting to those final steps

from putting my nose on, I'm putting my wig on.

I am fully in character.

The transformation is complete. I am Kitzi.

I'm ready to put on a show. [ gasps ]

♪♪♪

- When I was younger, I desired humiliation.

- Well, I'm a standup comedian,

so I am very used to humiliation,

but in a completely nonsexual way.

- I had a client that liked me to dress as a Nazi

and yell racial slurs at him.

And that was a little extreme for me.

- I do know people who are into humiliation.

They have a lot of, uh, stress in their life.

They're also in high-powered positions.

They spend the entire day telling people what to do.

And so I think they need that balance.

- I would always say I hate being humiliated.

I hate people making fun of me and stuff.

But, like, when I give her the power

and we make it erotic,

it's a whole new experience and sensation.

I was really starting to like it.

- I do not like to be humiliated, no.

I am the dom. I am the queen.

- I think that there's all types of people in this world,

and we shouldn't be shy about the things that get us off.

♪♪♪

- I have no real scripts written out for today.

I prefer to give myself a few prompts

and sort of ad-lib it from there.

We're definitely going to be doing some footwear shit

because I just got a new cotton candy pedicure,

and I want everyone to appreciate it.

Probably a strap-on worship video

because I really feel like playing with my dick today.

Probably a come-through-your-pants one

where I'm going to instruct my viewers to masturbate to me,

but they're not allowed to take their cocks out.

They're just gonna have to rub it through their pants

like a big old clit.

They're gonna have to do that if they want to get off,

or they can go to bed with blue balls. That's cool, too.

♪♪♪

After my makeup has set, it's time for wardrobe.

The night before I film,

I always set out two or three outfits

with all of the accessories so I'm not scrambling around

at the last minute for whatever look I want.

I have my go-tos. I'm very fond of leotards.

I'm very fond of corsets. I love ripped up fishnets.

Love them all, just like my face.

I don't like them to be perfect. I like a lived-in look.

[ bell tinkles ]

In my teeny, tiny, little leotard... [ gasps ]

I know that makes your little circus peanut so hard.

You want to pump it for me? [ gasps ] No, leave it in there.

A lot of times, I describe my job as clown porn,

which isn't entirely accurate.

I mostly just say that because to my viewers, it is porn.

They are jerking off to it.

What it really is is clown domination.

If you want to get off to me today,

you have to rub it through your pants.

I can get off rubbing myself through my leotard,

so I don't know why youwould struggle.

Domination, when you think of it,

you think of leather, whips, chains.

Rub the balls to your groin. Get some double action there.

I think it should be more whimsical and fun and open.

Rub it through your pants like a little bitch.

I bet you can do it.

It's a circus. You're going to be able to explore fetishes

you never have before.

Don't you want some rug burn as a souvenir?

[ gasps ] Of course you do, because that's what I want.

And to make a man not only be turned on by a clown,

but to submit to a clown, gives me like a rush of power

to know that I can do this to people.

Rub it through your pants.

It's fun to humiliate them.

[ singsongy ] Oh, strudel.

Look what I've got here for you.

[ gasps ] Some sweet...feet...treats.

[ cackles ]

I've got two different flavors going today--

Blue Razzmatazz and Pink Clown Pussy.

When people hear "humiliation,"

they get really uncomfortable and think that I'm bullying

these poor men who are just little victims.

But what a lot of people don't realize

is that these men love this.

This is what they want. This is what gets them off.

...a dirty little pervert, and you...start...stroking.

Breathe them in! [ inhales deeply ]

Humiliation is not something that men feel comfortable

asking their spouses for or their sexual partners.

Like they're a freak for asking to be humiliated or degraded.

It's very freeing for them to come home and have an outlet

where they can truly be themselves.

Stroking. [ gasps ] Oh, you can't get enough of them!

Keep stroking for me, strudel.

And from feedback I've gotten, a lot of them

have written to tell me, "Thank you.

I was never able to live out these fantasies."

And so for them to finally have this release,

it makes them feel so much better.

You were such a good boy coming through your pants.

[ giggles ]

Maybe tomorrow, strudel. You can try again then. Mwah!

Clown domination allows me the freedom to live my own life.

I do have two children.

It allows me to stay home with them and raise them.

I can film for four hours, go pick up my kids,

go to the beach.

I'm the one running the circus.

And it's really cool because this never has to end.

I don 't ever have to stop clowning.

My dad is well into his 60s and still clowning,

and I would be a really hot grandma clown.

- Sex is a conversation without words, but with bodies.

- You can have great sex and not come.

I think, if you're present,

you're really attracted to somebody,

you put in the effort, you're not selfish.

- Great sex is connection.

- Good sex is like a great movie, I think, where it's just

like, "Goddamn! When's the next one gonna come out?

That was great! Let's do this again."

- It's the perfect balance of...

loving and tender, realistic, not too sweet.

- There's a lot of people that are gonna

just automatically assume that we are, uh, open to anything,

and that's not the case. - We--

- We have a foundation of principles

that we base our relationship off of and we stay true to that.

- Great sex is playful, passionate, fun.

- Great sex is possible.

- Great sex is exhausting.

I want to hibernate for, like, nine months after great sex.

- Some advice? Just don't settle.

Someone will come along

and they will knock your fuckin' block off,

and wait for that person.

- Sex is an important part of love.

But I don't think sex and love are the same thing.

Love is like something where you don't even have to have sex

for months at a time, and you can just be around somebody

and you're fulfilled.

Sometimes, yes, I have sexual needs,

or I just need to go out on the town and just fuck.

- Everyone's always looking for, you know,

that mind-altering sex,

and it's like sex in general can be really amazing

and really transformative

without requiring that explosion.

- I think it's all a matter of turning the page,

trying different things out,

the same way I don't find nothing wrong

with using a dildo on my partner.

I'm confident in myself,

and I think that's what it really comes down to.

- Great sex is a special gift.

Great sex is...

an important part of every human being's life.

♪♪♪

♪ Get down on your knees

♪ And worship me

♪ Go down in the conversation

♪♪♪