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1
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:10,447
Crime rate, up 3%.
2
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:14,017
Robbery up 5%.
3
00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:16,053
Burglary, up 8%.
4
00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:20,424
I don't know what's
happening in the world today.
5
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:21,791
Murder, up 15%.
6
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:23,560
This is a hold-up!
7
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:26,596
Hey, how'd you get in here?
8
00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,198
Listen, I don't have any money,
9
00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:30,333
but I'm babysitting
for a 10-year-old kid
10
00:01:30,357 --> 00:01:32,969
and you can have him
and his lunch money.
11
00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:34,271
Just don't shoot me.
12
00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:35,539
Hi, Grandpa Fred.
13
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:36,639
Good.
14
00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:38,942
I was just playing
Cowboys and Indians.
15
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:41,311
That's great. I'll be
the Indian chief...
16
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,947
Chief Slap-Your-Fanny.
17
00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:45,682
Don't never scare
me like that no more.
18
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:46,883
I'm sorry.
19
00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:48,718
Hey, do you want to play
checkers or something?
20
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:50,320
No, I'm going
upstairs to take a nap.
21
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:52,155
Hey, but you're supposed
to be watching me
22
00:01:52,179 --> 00:01:53,557
while Lamont is
out with the truck.
23
00:01:53,581 --> 00:01:56,993
Look, son, if you want your
mother to marry Lamont,
24
00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,295
that's okay.
25
00:01:58,319 --> 00:02:00,497
And if you want to stay here
while your mother's away,
26
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:01,931
that's okay.
27
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,967
But if you're looking for
a kindly old grandfather,
28
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:05,868
turn on The Waltons.
29
00:02:05,892 --> 00:02:07,337
But you told me
30
00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,172
we were gonna
spend time together,
31
00:02:09,196 --> 00:02:10,574
have fun.
32
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:12,775
Yeah, you pretend that
you're king of the junkyard
33
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,178
and you're buying and
selling your kingdom,
34
00:02:15,202 --> 00:02:16,980
and you can start right now.
35
00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:18,982
That sounds neat.
36
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:20,317
Right, and listen.
37
00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,619
Don't wake me up,
because if you do,
38
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,988
I'll turn into a wicked
witch with a switch
39
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,045
and heat up your rear end.
40
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,386
King of the junkyard.
41
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,468
Hey... That looks interesting.
42
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:39,469
How much?
43
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:43,140
Well, those old medals...
44
00:02:43,164 --> 00:02:44,141
About a quarter each.
45
00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:45,975
You got a deal.
46
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,377
I've got to go to another yard.
47
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:49,012
I'll pick up the
stuff later, okay?
48
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:50,747
All right, peasant.
49
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:51,748
What?
50
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,052
Uh, sir.
51
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,560
Say, I heard the door slam.
52
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:04,628
Who was that?
53
00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:07,497
Uh, the king just sold
a customer some junk.
54
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:10,300
I got $10 for that nice
lamp with the clock in it.
55
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:12,469
You got $10 for that old lamp?
56
00:03:12,493 --> 00:03:13,903
Nice going, Roger. What else?
57
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,473
Well... just these
three old war medals.
58
00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:18,275
I got rid of them
for a quarter each.
59
00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:20,644
Just 25 cents?
60
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:24,147
Sure. They're little
and all bent up.
61
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:27,384
How would you like
to be little and bent up?
62
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:28,518
Twenty-five cents.
63
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,987
A measly quarter. I
mean, how could you?
64
00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:32,622
Don't you know I
won those medals?
65
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:33,823
You did?
66
00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:35,825
You heard of World War II?
67
00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:37,782
Sure, Lamont says
that's you and Aunt Esther.
68
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:42,566
Sit down over there.
69
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:45,602
Now, see, this one right here...
70
00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:48,205
Now, this is the Okra cluster
71
00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:50,507
on a bronze fig leaf.
72
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:51,741
I got this one
73
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:54,211
for exceptional bravery
in the face of danger.
74
00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:55,745
Tell me what happened.
75
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:59,182
No, I can't do that.
I'm too modest.
76
00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:03,019
It all began in
England, in 1944.
77
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,373
This is Yank Infantry Officer,
78
00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:26,743
Major Fred G. Sanford.
79
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:32,181
And the G stands for
guts, guts, and more guts.
80
00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:34,684
Tough, hard-nosed, eagle-eyed.
81
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:37,376
A combat veteran...
82
00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:45,362
But these secret orders
will test his bravery
83
00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:47,986
and intelligence to the utmost.
84
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:54,571
Allied Intelligence
has picked this man
85
00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:58,207
to lead a team
of thieves, killers,
86
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:01,678
and raving homicidal maniacs
87
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:06,149
behind German lines
on a suicide mission.
88
00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:08,585
Suicide mission! Are you crazy?
89
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,421
Man, I'm not going
on no suicide mission.
90
00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:13,657
The future of free
men everywhere
91
00:05:13,681 --> 00:05:16,058
rests on this man's shoulders.
92
00:05:16,082 --> 00:05:19,462
I'll gladly go on
this suicide mission,
93
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,598
and the next one.
94
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:24,934
His team will parachute
into occupied France,
95
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:27,270
try to sneak into
Nazi Headquarters,
96
00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:28,405
which is surrounded
97
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:31,374
by the cream of the German army.
98
00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:36,012
The odds of his
survival are 1,000 to 1.
99
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:38,348
But Major Sanford
doesn't even flinch
100
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:39,938
at these dangers...
101
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,988
And for this reason
102
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:49,793
he will be known
to Allied Intelligence
103
00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:53,663
by the code name... Stupid.
104
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:08,978
Hi, Pop. I'm home.
105
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:11,815
That's, "Hi, Pop,
I'm home, sir."
106
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,616
All right then, call
in the prisoners.
107
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:14,939
Bring in the prisoners!
108
00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:29,632
Lieutenant, give me the rundown
109
00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:32,134
on these three men
and tell the woman
110
00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:34,225
to run down to a
plastic surgeon.
111
00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:37,374
Well, this first man,
112
00:06:37,398 --> 00:06:38,975
this is condemned prisoner
113
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:44,814
number 4077...
Bubba Face Bexley.
114
00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:46,215
Now, underneath
that innocent face
115
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:49,118
is a sick, psychotic
criminal mind.
116
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:51,488
Guard yourself
at all times, major.
117
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:54,056
Listen, I'm a natural
leader of men.
118
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,826
Watch how I immediately
establish goodwill
119
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:57,982
with this killer.
120
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:01,831
Bubba Face?
121
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,266
Yeah?
122
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:09,372
♪ You got the cutest
Little Bubba face ♪
123
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:11,574
I hear you're an
expert with explosives.
124
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:12,776
That's right,
125
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,044
and if you let me...
Take me on this mission,
126
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,579
I'll blow your bridges,
127
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:17,980
I'll blow your trains,
128
00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:19,115
I'll blow your tanks,
129
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,683
and if you catch a cold,
130
00:07:20,707 --> 00:07:24,554
I'll get some dynamite
and blow your nose.
131
00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:25,555
Listen.
132
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:28,124
That's all, soldier.
133
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,059
Well, what's the story
on this guy, lieutenant?
134
00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,694
Oh, this is "Fingers" Rollo
135
00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:34,163
The most notorious
thief in all of Europe.
136
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:35,231
There's nothing he won't steal.
137
00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:37,567
Hmm.
138
00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:40,437
Hey, what's
happening, Major Pops?
139
00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:43,139
That's Major Pops, sir.
140
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:45,608
Fingers, are you willing to
go on this mission with us?
141
00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,410
Yeah, man, I'm down for it.
142
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:50,179
I dig secret missions, and
I know all about this one.
143
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:52,315
How can you know
about this secret mission
144
00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:55,217
when I carry the secret
orders inside my shirt,
145
00:07:55,241 --> 00:07:56,519
chained to my armpits?
146
00:07:56,543 --> 00:07:58,877
You wanna bet?
147
00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:04,461
Get out of here. Just leave.
148
00:08:04,485 --> 00:08:06,496
What's the story on you?
149
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,264
Are you a weapons expert?
150
00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:09,732
A great pilot?
151
00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:11,100
An electronic wizard?
152
00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:13,758
No. I'm the love interest.
153
00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:18,341
Love interest?
154
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:19,542
That's right.
155
00:08:19,566 --> 00:08:21,544
Every time there's
a lull in the fighting,
156
00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:24,981
some soldier takes me
aside, whispers in my ear,
157
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:29,085
and tells me how much he'd
rather make love than war.
158
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:32,110
Sorry, but Deputy
Dawg isn't in this fight.
159
00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:42,231
Listen, buddy, it's
been a long, hard war,
160
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:45,568
and I've fought from
the sands of Iwo Jima
161
00:08:45,592 --> 00:08:47,370
to the shores of Tripoli,
162
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:50,172
and the last thing
in the world I need
163
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,108
is an olive drab
ding-a-ling who,
164
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:54,243
every time he opens his mouth,
165
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:56,835
his tongue bayonets his brain.
166
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:02,018
Well put, foxhole face.
167
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,487
That's all. Who's next?
168
00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:06,422
Well, I apologize
for the behavior
169
00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:07,790
of these other prisoners,
170
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:08,958
but now, this next man
171
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,359
is due to be executed at dawn
172
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,562
so I'm sure he'll be a
little more cooperative.
173
00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:13,563
Soldier?
174
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,420
Yes.
175
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,240
You're a killer?
176
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,241
No.
177
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,844
I got these notches on my knife
178
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:30,101
from spreading
crunchy peanut butter.
179
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:32,715
You watch your mouth.
180
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:34,450
See, I got a black
belt in karate,
181
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:38,054
a green belt in judo,
and a red belt in kung fu.
182
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,445
And a pot at the
end of the rainbow.
183
00:09:42,348 --> 00:09:44,694
Are you with me or not?
184
00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:46,295
Would you like to
just rot in prison,
185
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:47,997
or go and fight the Nazis?
186
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:50,833
♪ Or would you rather
swing On a star ♪
187
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:53,670
♪ Carry moonbeams
Home in a jar ♪
188
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:55,905
Major, I'll fight. I'm with you.
189
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,406
Shoulder to shoulder.
190
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,663
Arm in arm.
191
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,232
Face to face.
192
00:10:03,670 --> 00:10:07,538
They're right. War is hell.
193
00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:15,992
And so the dye was cast.
194
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:17,426
After weeks of training,
195
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:20,563
me and my team of experts
parachuted into Germany.
196
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:21,798
On the secret mission.
197
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:25,702
Yeah. That's how I
won this second medal,
198
00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:29,639
the iron pigfoot.
199
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:31,930
It is set in a field of
greasy mustard greens.
200
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:35,177
What did you have to do?
201
00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:37,313
We had to find out
the exact location
202
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:40,016
of the V1 and the V2 rockets.
203
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,317
First, we had to make contact
204
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,252
in a famous German café,
205
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:46,222
Brunhilda's Bratwurst
Bungalow in Berlin,
206
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:49,614
on the corner of Baden
Baden and Guten Guten.
207
00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:55,231
Naturally, my face was
well-known all over Europe,
208
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:58,367
so I had to resort to one
of my clever disguises.
209
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,138
The winds of March bring forth
210
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:37,674
ill tidings of spring.
211
00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,378
What? Shh!
212
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:49,986
The winds of March bring forth
213
00:11:50,010 --> 00:11:52,555
ill tidings of spring.
214
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:54,939
Who are you, the weather lady?
215
00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:58,527
That's the password.
216
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,064
Now you gotta give me the
countersign. Countersign?
217
00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:07,291
The heat of August brings
forth a rash between my legs.
218
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,743
Wrong.
219
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:14,777
Wrong?
220
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:16,713
How about, how about...
221
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:19,182
The frost of December
222
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:22,373
brings forth a
freeze in your BVDs?
223
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:25,654
Listen, never mind that.
224
00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,656
I got the information on
the location of the rockets.
225
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,093
Good work, lieutenant.
226
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:31,293
Yeah, but we've gotta get it
227
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,695
to our undercover
contact here in Berlin.
228
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:34,931
I never seen her, but I
understand that Brunhilda
229
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:36,799
is the most beautiful
woman in all of Germany.
230
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:42,238
Meine Damen und Herren,
ladies and gentlemen,
231
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,875
guys and gals, and
all you S.S. fellas,
232
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:48,544
here she is, the
lovely, the beautiful,
233
00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:49,645
the sensational...
234
00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:54,350
Let us all welcome
the wonderful Brunhilda!
235
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:19,776
♪ Outside the barracks
By the corner light ♪
236
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:24,480
♪ I'll always stand And
wait for you at night ♪
237
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:29,819
♪ We will create
A world for two ♪
238
00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:34,791
♪ I'll wait for you The
whole night through ♪
239
00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:39,028
♪ For you, Lili Marlene ♪
240
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:45,489
♪ For you, Lili Marlene ♪♪
241
00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:57,246
The winds of March bring
forth ill tidings of spring.
242
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:58,815
The hair on your wig
243
00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:01,472
should be brought
forth over your face.
244
00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:12,183
Watch it, Major Sucker.
245
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:18,134
Listen, Goon-hilda,
246
00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:20,970
the only way we can be
sure that you're an American
247
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:22,604
is to ask you some questions.
248
00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:28,144
What's the name of the waiter
at the Trucker's Café in Barstow
249
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:31,147
who works the
midnight to 8:00 shift?
250
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:34,383
I haven't the faintest idea.
251
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:37,075
Have her blindfolded
and shot at dawn.
252
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,524
The Germans are coming!
253
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:45,862
Oh, Lord, have mercy! Oh, Lord.
254
00:14:45,886 --> 00:14:51,033
Oh, save us, Lord!
255
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:59,342
Ah-hah. So we meet at last.
256
00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:03,712
The Major Fred Sanford
257
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:08,373
and his clever partner,
Lieutenant Dummy.
258
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,522
You mean... there's
only one of you?
259
00:15:13,546 --> 00:15:14,790
Yes, of course.
260
00:15:14,814 --> 00:15:15,925
But we heard the sound
261
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,426
of thousands of marching feet.
262
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:22,265
That's because we Germans
are masters of deception.
263
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:25,401
See these?
264
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,491
Stereo boots.
265
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,975
Gentlemen, you are under arrest
266
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:36,412
for some of the
most heinous crimes
267
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,580
ever committed
against the Reich.
268
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:39,848
Like what?
269
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:44,287
Murder, arson, spying,
270
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:46,923
counter-spying, high treason,
271
00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:51,449
and leaving your
Volkswagen in a loading zone.
272
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,552
Come with me.
273
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,234
Wow, Grandpa Major,
274
00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:00,303
were you really
captured by the Germans?
275
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:02,604
That's right, and that's
how I got this medal here,
276
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:03,705
the Purple Heart.
277
00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:06,175
Isn't it beautiful?
278
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:07,776
The Purple Heart?
279
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,578
Don't you get that for
being wounded in action?
280
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:11,847
How true.
281
00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:13,782
See, after we were
captured by the enemy,
282
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,117
they took us to
their headquarters
283
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:17,253
and left us alone in a room.
284
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,221
I guess they thought
they could break us.
285
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:20,389
Good day, gentlemen.
286
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:21,790
Ah, don't get up.
287
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:22,791
Who are you?
288
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,994
Allow me to introduce myself.
289
00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,963
I am Colonel Hiakowa,
290
00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:30,266
Chief of Intelligence
for the Greater Far East
291
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:33,902
Co-Prosperity Global
Loan and Finance Company.
292
00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:34,903
Have a pen.
293
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:37,139
Oh, let me have one.
294
00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:38,740
Hey, I am surprised
you speak our language.
295
00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:41,910
Oh, yes, you see, I
studied in your country.
296
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:43,045
I went to Vassar.
297
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:46,382
Vassar?
298
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:48,050
Vassar is a girl's school.
299
00:16:48,074 --> 00:16:50,341
Now you know
what I was studying.
300
00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:56,014
Gentlemen, I am a civilized man.
301
00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:01,097
You have no reason to be afraid.
302
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,865
All I want to know
303
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:06,168
is when you are going
to blow up the bridge
304
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:09,405
over the River Kwai.
305
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:11,007
The River Kwai?
I never heard of it.
306
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:13,842
You've never heard
that famous song,
307
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:16,078
"Kwai Me a River"?
308
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:20,449
♪ Kwai me a river ♪
309
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:23,119
♪ I kwaied a river over you ♪
310
00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:25,187
I think he must be crazy.
311
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:26,211
Crazy?
312
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:37,099
You keep talking like that,
313
00:17:37,123 --> 00:17:38,800
I'll make you the unhappiest man
314
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:41,070
on this island!
315
00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:42,638
Island?
316
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:44,862
Yes, this is Guam, isn't it?
317
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,977
No, you're in Berlin, Germany.
318
00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:52,836
Oh, no wonder I
can't find the beach.
319
00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:04,927
Major, the situation is
getting very dangerous.
320
00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:06,595
The Nazis will be
here any minute,
321
00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:07,996
and you and I know the biggest,
322
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:11,067
most carefully guarded
secret in all of World War II.
323
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:13,001
And no matter
what they do to us,
324
00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:16,094
we'll never tell them
that John Wayne is...
325
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:26,048
I'm talking about the
exact time, place, and date
326
00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:27,550
of the Allied
Invasion in Normandy.
327
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:30,686
Normandy? Not Guam?
328
00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:31,687
Don't worry, sir,
329
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:33,677
if the situation
gets hopeless...
330
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:40,429
If the situation gets hopeless,
331
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,631
we can always bite down
on the cyanide capsule
332
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:43,832
embedded in our back teeth.
333
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:46,902
Cyanide capsule? You're kidding?
334
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:49,093
I thought that was a
peppermint Chiclet.
335
00:18:52,198 --> 00:18:53,509
Don't worry.
336
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:55,978
They tell me that death
comes swiftly and painlessly.
337
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:59,482
Yeah, but they don't tell
you that death can kill you.
338
00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:16,599
The Fuehrer sends his greetings.
339
00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:18,634
Heil Hitler!
340
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,325
And Sammy Davis Jr. Sends his.
341
00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:41,990
Listen, General, why
don't you just give up?
342
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,626
Germany has lost the war.
343
00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:45,461
Not yet.
344
00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:50,098
Not if we learn the exact
date of the Allied Invasion.
345
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,301
We want to know the exact date
346
00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:54,203
of the Allied Invasion.
347
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:56,071
No way.
348
00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:57,906
Then you shall die!
349
00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,941
Well, it's better
to die on one's feet
350
00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:01,277
than to live on one's knees.
351
00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:02,344
Lieutenant!
352
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:04,246
"A coward dies a
thousand deaths,
353
00:20:04,270 --> 00:20:06,148
a brave man but once."
354
00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:07,550
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
355
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:08,950
That wasn't bad,
but how about...
356
00:20:08,974 --> 00:20:11,119
"Mares eat oats
and does eat oats
357
00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:12,721
"and little lambs eat ivy.
358
00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:14,705
A kid'll eat ivy
too, wouldn't you?"
359
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:19,728
Listen, you American dogs,
360
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:22,431
I have to have that information.
361
00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:25,867
The master Reich has to live on.
362
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:28,370
Listen, you Nazi knockwurst,
363
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:31,073
if you want to live
with the master race,
364
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:32,097
move to Watts.
365
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:36,878
My patience is gone.
366
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:44,520
Listen, don't talk to
me with your boot on.
367
00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:48,324
We have other ways
of making you talk.
368
00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:49,647
You mean...
369
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:53,195
Exactly!
370
00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:55,997
Nurse Kramer!
371
00:20:56,021 --> 00:20:57,232
Yeah, here, general.
372
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,335
Hold it. Hold it.
373
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:01,136
I thought you were on our side.
374
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:04,139
Fooled you, didn't I, Liebling?
375
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:08,277
My real name is Helga Kramer,
376
00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:10,713
and I am the
notorious double agent,
377
00:21:10,737 --> 00:21:13,181
the famous master-spy,
378
00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:18,008
and last week in Berlin, I
was named Miss Goose-step.
379
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:20,822
How did you get that?
380
00:21:20,846 --> 00:21:23,180
I bent over backwards.
381
00:21:24,751 --> 00:21:25,894
Prepare the serum, nurse.
382
00:21:25,918 --> 00:21:27,095
Ja. LAMONT: Serum?
383
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,897
Exactly.
384
00:21:28,921 --> 00:21:31,500
Soon, you will
tell us everything.
385
00:21:31,524 --> 00:21:32,934
We are going to inject you
386
00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:34,670
with a truth serum.
387
00:21:34,694 --> 00:21:37,273
Listen, can't I just
take a couple of aspirin
388
00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:38,507
and call you in the morning?
389
00:21:38,531 --> 00:21:40,909
Never! Hold them down.
390
00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:44,913
I'll take the cyan...
Goodbye, America.
391
00:21:44,937 --> 00:21:47,082
Goodbye, Mom's apple pie.
392
00:21:47,106 --> 00:21:49,918
You know Mom
makes terrible apple pie.
393
00:21:49,942 --> 00:21:52,621
Quick, major, take
yours before it's too late.
394
00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:53,722
Okay.
395
00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:57,859
Aah! Glagh!
396
00:21:57,883 --> 00:22:00,028
Major, you are not dying.
397
00:22:00,052 --> 00:22:01,463
What happened?
398
00:22:01,487 --> 00:22:03,921
I bit my tongue.
399
00:22:08,227 --> 00:22:09,538
You bit your tongue?
400
00:22:09,562 --> 00:22:11,807
Right, and that's how
I got the Purple Heart
401
00:22:11,831 --> 00:22:14,443
for being wounded in action.
402
00:22:14,467 --> 00:22:15,778
That doesn't sound like much.
403
00:22:15,802 --> 00:22:16,912
Oh, yeah?
404
00:22:16,936 --> 00:22:18,314
How'd you like to
spend three weeks
405
00:22:18,338 --> 00:22:21,650
in the hospital with a
splint on your tongue?
406
00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:23,852
How did you escape?
407
00:22:23,876 --> 00:22:27,690
Well, see, all of a sudden
I attacked both the guards
408
00:22:27,714 --> 00:22:29,291
and tied them up and
grabbed their guns
409
00:22:29,315 --> 00:22:30,626
and shot my way out,
410
00:22:30,650 --> 00:22:32,594
taking the keys to
Hitler's private plane,
411
00:22:32,618 --> 00:22:33,729
flying over the Alps...
412
00:22:33,753 --> 00:22:35,664
Wait a minute.
Hold it right there.
413
00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:36,965
Just hold it right there.
414
00:22:36,989 --> 00:22:38,367
What are you trying to do?
415
00:22:38,391 --> 00:22:39,768
Oh, hello, son.
416
00:22:39,792 --> 00:22:41,937
Uh, Roger and I were
just having a little talk.
417
00:22:41,961 --> 00:22:43,339
Yeah, I heard all
about it, major...
418
00:22:43,363 --> 00:22:45,240
Cyanide capsules, truth drugs...
419
00:22:45,264 --> 00:22:46,375
I'm surprised Roger wasn't hurt.
420
00:22:46,399 --> 00:22:47,376
Hurt?
421
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,234
Hit by flying bull.
422
00:22:52,839 --> 00:22:55,016
Listen, Son, I... Wait a second.
423
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,018
Roger, I wanna talk
to my pop for a minute.
424
00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:58,019
Would you mind going outside
425
00:22:58,043 --> 00:22:59,221
and playing for a little while?
426
00:22:59,245 --> 00:23:00,711
All right.
427
00:23:03,750 --> 00:23:08,586
Wow... the Purple Heart.
428
00:23:11,957 --> 00:23:14,035
What do you think
you were doing?
429
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:16,839
I was just trying to teach
him something, Son.
430
00:23:16,863 --> 00:23:17,973
What, how to lie?
431
00:23:17,997 --> 00:23:21,343
Wrong. Teaching him
how to survive. Survive?
432
00:23:21,367 --> 00:23:22,478
Yeah.
433
00:23:22,502 --> 00:23:25,247
You see, Roger sold
those medals for nothing
434
00:23:25,271 --> 00:23:27,249
because he thought
they were worth nothing.
435
00:23:27,273 --> 00:23:28,384
Now he thinks they're valuable.
436
00:23:28,408 --> 00:23:31,152
Grandpa Major Fred,
Lieutenant Lamont,
437
00:23:31,176 --> 00:23:33,722
the man came back for
his medals and lamp. Yeah?
438
00:23:33,746 --> 00:23:34,757
And guess what?
439
00:23:34,781 --> 00:23:36,558
I told him the medals
were $10 a piece
440
00:23:36,582 --> 00:23:37,726
instead of a quarter.
441
00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:38,727
He bought them anyway.
442
00:23:38,751 --> 00:23:41,663
Nice going, Roger.
443
00:23:41,687 --> 00:23:43,031
Here's your money for the lamp
444
00:23:43,055 --> 00:23:45,000
and $20 for the medals.
445
00:23:45,024 --> 00:23:46,735
Twenty? What
happened to the other 10?
446
00:23:46,759 --> 00:23:49,471
Oh, I couldn't sell
the Purple Heart.
447
00:23:49,495 --> 00:23:50,861
You got wounded for this one.
448
00:23:56,101 --> 00:23:58,580
I'm out of 10 bucks.
449
00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:01,617
Here, Grandpa Fred.
450
00:24:01,641 --> 00:24:04,653
You know, I think
you're the greatest.
451
00:24:04,677 --> 00:24:07,689
You do?
452
00:24:07,713 --> 00:24:09,324
Uh-huh.
453
00:24:09,348 --> 00:24:10,793
Say, listen, you know,
454
00:24:10,817 --> 00:24:13,150
that's the best $10 I never got.
455
00:24:14,887 --> 00:24:15,864
Tell me another story.
456
00:24:15,888 --> 00:24:18,667
Sure, see, look, it
was Sunday morning,
457
00:24:18,691 --> 00:24:20,335
and I was on the
Battleship Arizona
458
00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:21,336
in Pearl Harbor...
459
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:22,738
Wait a minute.
Wait just a minute.
460
00:24:22,762 --> 00:24:24,339
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
461
00:24:24,363 --> 00:24:25,696
Just wait a minute!
32093
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