Original subtitles

Crime rate, up 3%.

Robbery up 5%.

Burglary, up 8%.

I don't know what's happening in the world today.

Murder, up 15%.

This is a hold-up!

Hey, how'd you get in here?

Listen, I don't have any money,

but I'm babysitting for a 10-year-old kid

and you can have him and his lunch money.

Just don't shoot me.

Hi, Grandpa Fred.

Good.

I was just playing Cowboys and Indians.

That's great. I'll be the Indian chief...

Chief Slap-Your-Fanny.

Don't never scare me like that no more.

I'm sorry.

Hey, do you want to play checkers or something?

No, I'm going upstairs to take a nap.

Hey, but you're supposed to be watching me

while Lamont is out with the truck.

Look, son, if you want your mother to marry Lamont,

that's okay.

And if you want to stay here while your mother's away,

that's okay.

But if you're looking for a kindly old grandfather,

turn on The Waltons.

But you told me

we were gonna spend time together,

have fun.

Yeah, you pretend that you're king of the junkyard

and you're buying and selling your kingdom,

and you can start right now.

That sounds neat.

Right, and listen.

Don't wake me up, because if you do,

I'll turn into a wicked witch with a switch

and heat up your rear end.

King of the junkyard.

Hey... That looks interesting.

How much?

Well, those old medals...

About a quarter each.

You got a deal.

I've got to go to another yard.

I'll pick up the stuff later, okay?

All right, peasant.

What?

Uh, sir.

Say, I heard the door slam.

Who was that?

Uh, the king just sold a customer some junk.

I got $10 for that nice lamp with the clock in it.

You got $10 for that old lamp?

Nice going, Roger. What else?

Well... just these three old war medals.

I got rid of them for a quarter each.

Just 25 cents?

Sure. They're little and all bent up.

How would you like to be little and bent up?

Twenty-five cents.

A measly quarter. I mean, how could you?

Don't you know I won those medals?

You did?

You heard of World War II?

Sure, Lamont says that's you and Aunt Esther.

Sit down over there.

Now, see, this one right here...

Now, this is the Okra cluster

on a bronze fig leaf.

I got this one

for exceptional bravery in the face of danger.

Tell me what happened.

No, I can't do that. I'm too modest.

It all began in England, in 1944.

This is Yank Infantry Officer,

Major Fred G. Sanford.

And the G stands for guts, guts, and more guts.

Tough, hard-nosed, eagle-eyed.

A combat veteran...

But these secret orders will test his bravery

and intelligence to the utmost.

Allied Intelligence has picked this man

to lead a team of thieves, killers,

and raving homicidal maniacs

behind German lines on a suicide mission.

Suicide mission! Are you crazy?

Man, I'm not going on no suicide mission.

The future of free men everywhere

rests on this man's shoulders.

I'll gladly go on this suicide mission,

and the next one.

His team will parachute into occupied France,

try to sneak into Nazi Headquarters,

which is surrounded

by the cream of the German army.

The odds of his survival are 1,000 to 1.

But Major Sanford doesn't even flinch

at these dangers...

And for this reason

he will be known to Allied Intelligence

by the code name... Stupid.

Hi, Pop. I'm home.

That's, "Hi, Pop, I'm home, sir."

All right then, call in the prisoners.

Bring in the prisoners!

Lieutenant, give me the rundown

on these three men and tell the woman

to run down to a plastic surgeon.

Well, this first man,

this is condemned prisoner

number 4077... Bubba Face Bexley.

Now, underneath that innocent face

is a sick, psychotic criminal mind.

Guard yourself at all times, major.

Listen, I'm a natural leader of men.

Watch how I immediately establish goodwill

with this killer.

Bubba Face?

Yeah?

♪ You got the cutest Little Bubba face ♪

I hear you're an expert with explosives.

That's right,

and if you let me... Take me on this mission,

I'll blow your bridges,

I'll blow your trains,

I'll blow your tanks,

and if you catch a cold,

I'll get some dynamite and blow your nose.

Listen.

That's all, soldier.

Well, what's the story on this guy, lieutenant?

Oh, this is "Fingers" Rollo

The most notorious thief in all of Europe.

There's nothing he won't steal.

Hmm.

Hey, what's happening, Major Pops?

That's Major Pops, sir.

Fingers, are you willing to go on this mission with us?

Yeah, man, I'm down for it.

I dig secret missions, and I know all about this one.

How can you know about this secret mission

when I carry the secret orders inside my shirt,

chained to my armpits?

You wanna bet?

Get out of here. Just leave.

What's the story on you?

Are you a weapons expert?

A great pilot?

An electronic wizard?

No. I'm the love interest.

Love interest?

That's right.

Every time there's a lull in the fighting,

some soldier takes me aside, whispers in my ear,

and tells me how much he'd rather make love than war.

Sorry, but Deputy Dawg isn't in this fight.

Listen, buddy, it's been a long, hard war,

and I've fought from the sands of Iwo Jima

to the shores of Tripoli,

and the last thing in the world I need

is an olive drab ding-a-ling who,

every time he opens his mouth,

his tongue bayonets his brain.

Well put, foxhole face.

That's all. Who's next?

Well, I apologize for the behavior

of these other prisoners,

but now, this next man

is due to be executed at dawn

so I'm sure he'll be a little more cooperative.

Soldier?

Yes.

You're a killer?

No.

I got these notches on my knife

from spreading crunchy peanut butter.

You watch your mouth.

See, I got a black belt in karate,

a green belt in judo, and a red belt in kung fu.

And a pot at the end of the rainbow.

Are you with me or not?

Would you like to just rot in prison,

or go and fight the Nazis?

♪ Or would you rather swing On a star ♪

♪ Carry moonbeams Home in a jar ♪

Major, I'll fight. I'm with you.

Shoulder to shoulder.

Arm in arm.

Face to face.

They're right. War is hell.

And so the dye was cast.

After weeks of training,

me and my team of experts parachuted into Germany.

On the secret mission.

Yeah. That's how I won this second medal,

the iron pigfoot.

It is set in a field of greasy mustard greens.

What did you have to do?

We had to find out the exact location

of the V1 and the V2 rockets.

First, we had to make contact

in a famous German café,

Brunhilda's Bratwurst Bungalow in Berlin,

on the corner of Baden Baden and Guten Guten.

Naturally, my face was well-known all over Europe,

so I had to resort to one of my clever disguises.

The winds of March bring forth

ill tidings of spring.

What? Shh!

The winds of March bring forth

ill tidings of spring.

Who are you, the weather lady?

That's the password.

Now you gotta give me the countersign. Countersign?

The heat of August brings forth a rash between my legs.

Wrong.

Wrong?

How about, how about...

The frost of December

brings forth a freeze in your BVDs?

Listen, never mind that.

I got the information on the location of the rockets.

Good work, lieutenant.

Yeah, but we've gotta get it

to our undercover contact here in Berlin.

I never seen her, but I understand that Brunhilda

is the most beautiful woman in all of Germany.

Meine Damen und Herren, ladies and gentlemen,

guys and gals, and all you S.S. fellas,

here she is, the lovely, the beautiful,

the sensational...

Let us all welcome the wonderful Brunhilda!

♪ Outside the barracks By the corner light ♪

♪ I'll always stand And wait for you at night ♪

♪ We will create A world for two ♪

♪ I'll wait for you The whole night through ♪

♪ For you, Lili Marlene ♪

♪ For you, Lili Marlene ♪♪

The winds of March bring forth ill tidings of spring.

The hair on your wig

should be brought forth over your face.

Watch it, Major Sucker.

Listen, Goon-hilda,

the only way we can be sure that you're an American

is to ask you some questions.

What's the name of the waiter at the Trucker's Café in Barstow

who works the midnight to 8:00 shift?

I haven't the faintest idea.

Have her blindfolded and shot at dawn.

The Germans are coming!

Oh, Lord, have mercy! Oh, Lord.

Oh, save us, Lord!

Ah-hah. So we meet at last.

The Major Fred Sanford

and his clever partner, Lieutenant Dummy.

You mean... there's only one of you?

Yes, of course.

But we heard the sound

of thousands of marching feet.

That's because we Germans are masters of deception.

See these?

Stereo boots.

Gentlemen, you are under arrest

for some of the most heinous crimes

ever committed against the Reich.

Like what?

Murder, arson, spying,

counter-spying, high treason,

and leaving your Volkswagen in a loading zone.

Come with me.

Wow, Grandpa Major,

were you really captured by the Germans?

That's right, and that's how I got this medal here,

the Purple Heart.

Isn't it beautiful?

The Purple Heart?

Don't you get that for being wounded in action?

How true.

See, after we were captured by the enemy,

they took us to their headquarters

and left us alone in a room.

I guess they thought they could break us.

Good day, gentlemen.

Ah, don't get up.

Who are you?

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Colonel Hiakowa,

Chief of Intelligence for the Greater Far East

Co-Prosperity Global Loan and Finance Company.

Have a pen.

Oh, let me have one.

Hey, I am surprised you speak our language.

Oh, yes, you see, I studied in your country.

I went to Vassar.

Vassar?

Vassar is a girl's school.

Now you know what I was studying.

Gentlemen, I am a civilized man.

You have no reason to be afraid.

All I want to know

is when you are going to blow up the bridge

over the River Kwai.

The River Kwai? I never heard of it.

You've never heard that famous song,

"Kwai Me a River"?

♪ Kwai me a river ♪

♪ I kwaied a river over you ♪

I think he must be crazy.

Crazy?

You keep talking like that,

I'll make you the unhappiest man

on this island!

Island?

Yes, this is Guam, isn't it?

No, you're in Berlin, Germany.

Oh, no wonder I can't find the beach.

Major, the situation is getting very dangerous.

The Nazis will be here any minute,

and you and I know the biggest,

most carefully guarded secret in all of World War II.

And no matter what they do to us,

we'll never tell them that John Wayne is...

I'm talking about the exact time, place, and date

of the Allied Invasion in Normandy.

Normandy? Not Guam?

Don't worry, sir,

if the situation gets hopeless...

If the situation gets hopeless,

we can always bite down on the cyanide capsule

embedded in our back teeth.

Cyanide capsule? You're kidding?

I thought that was a peppermint Chiclet.

Don't worry.

They tell me that death comes swiftly and painlessly.

Yeah, but they don't tell you that death can kill you.

The Fuehrer sends his greetings.

Heil Hitler!

And Sammy Davis Jr. Sends his.

Listen, General, why don't you just give up?

Germany has lost the war.

Not yet.

Not if we learn the exact date of the Allied Invasion.

We want to know the exact date

of the Allied Invasion.

No way.

Then you shall die!

Well, it's better to die on one's feet

than to live on one's knees.

Lieutenant!

"A coward dies a thousand deaths,

a brave man but once."

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

That wasn't bad, but how about...

"Mares eat oats and does eat oats

"and little lambs eat ivy.

A kid'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you?"

Listen, you American dogs,

I have to have that information.

The master Reich has to live on.

Listen, you Nazi knockwurst,

if you want to live with the master race,

move to Watts.

My patience is gone.

Listen, don't talk to me with your boot on.

We have other ways of making you talk.

You mean...

Exactly!

Nurse Kramer!

Yeah, here, general.

Hold it. Hold it.

I thought you were on our side.

Fooled you, didn't I, Liebling?

My real name is Helga Kramer,

and I am the notorious double agent,

the famous master-spy,

and last week in Berlin, I was named Miss Goose-step.

How did you get that?

I bent over backwards.

Prepare the serum, nurse.

Ja. LAMONT: Serum?

Exactly.

Soon, you will tell us everything.

We are going to inject you

with a truth serum.

Listen, can't I just take a couple of aspirin

and call you in the morning?

Never! Hold them down.

I'll take the cyan... Goodbye, America.

Goodbye, Mom's apple pie.

You know Mom makes terrible apple pie.

Quick, major, take yours before it's too late.

Okay.

Aah! Glagh!

Major, you are not dying.

What happened?

I bit my tongue.

You bit your tongue?

Right, and that's how I got the Purple Heart

for being wounded in action.

That doesn't sound like much.

Oh, yeah?

How'd you like to spend three weeks

in the hospital with a splint on your tongue?

How did you escape?

Well, see, all of a sudden I attacked both the guards

and tied them up and grabbed their guns

and shot my way out,

taking the keys to Hitler's private plane,

flying over the Alps...

Wait a minute. Hold it right there.

Just hold it right there.

What are you trying to do?

Oh, hello, son.

Uh, Roger and I were just having a little talk.

Yeah, I heard all about it, major...

Cyanide capsules, truth drugs...

I'm surprised Roger wasn't hurt.

Hurt?

Hit by flying bull.

Listen, Son, I... Wait a second.

Roger, I wanna talk to my pop for a minute.

Would you mind going outside

and playing for a little while?

All right.

Wow... the Purple Heart.

What do you think you were doing?

I was just trying to teach him something, Son.

What, how to lie?

Wrong. Teaching him how to survive. Survive?

Yeah.

You see, Roger sold those medals for nothing

because he thought they were worth nothing.

Now he thinks they're valuable.

Grandpa Major Fred, Lieutenant Lamont,

the man came back for his medals and lamp. Yeah?

And guess what?

I told him the medals were $10 a piece

instead of a quarter.

He bought them anyway.

Nice going, Roger.

Here's your money for the lamp

and $20 for the medals.

Twenty? What happened to the other 10?

Oh, I couldn't sell the Purple Heart.

You got wounded for this one.

I'm out of 10 bucks.

Here, Grandpa Fred.

You know, I think you're the greatest.

You do?

Uh-huh.

Say, listen, you know,

that's the best $10 I never got.

Tell me another story.

Sure, see, look, it was Sunday morning,

and I was on the Battleship Arizona

in Pearl Harbor...

Wait a minute. Wait just a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Just wait a minute!