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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,920
RADIO: Lovely.
and who's the request for?
2
00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:05,920
My husband, Kevin.
What would you like to say?
3
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:09,520
Tell him I love him and I can't wait
for the day when he comes home.
4
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:11,280
Ahh. How long
is he going to be away?
5
00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:14,200
About two years. Teriffic.
So, if you're listening, Kevin,
6
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:16,800
wherever you are, whatever you're
doing, have a nice day,
7
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,640
and this record's just for you.
8
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:22,600
# No, I can't forget
this evening... #
9
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:25,120
Excuse me? Eh?
10
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:27,880
Can I cadge a lift? No, you see...
11
00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:32,760
Beal. I've just been posted here.
Oh! A brother officer!
12
00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:38,840
Of course. Save me the cab fare.
Aye...but I'd still claim for it!
13
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,520
What's laddo in for?
14
00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:01,040
Oh, it's, er...
It's better not to ask.
15
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,400
In my experience,
if you know what a man's done,
16
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:06,360
it may prejudice you against him.
Best to start clean.
17
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,120
Benefit of the doubt.
18
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,680
Find out what he IS,
not what he was.
19
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:17,720
What you in for, son?
Two years. I meant offence!
20
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:18,760
None taken.
21
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:24,960
We know HIS sort! See if
he's still smiling next week!
22
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:29,960
It's bleak at this time of year,
23
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:33,200
but in the summer
there are some lovely views.
24
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,760
Where's the nearest town?
25
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:39,040
There isn't one!
26
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:42,840
Heh! Got something to say?
27
00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:44,920
You're as much prisoners as we are!
28
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:50,600
# Well, I can't forget this evening
29
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:54,720
# Or your face as you were leaving
30
00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:59,400
# But I guess
that's just the way the story goes
31
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:08,000
# You always smile
But in your eyes your sorrow shows
32
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,240
# Yes, it shows
33
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:19,520
# I can't live
34
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:22,520
# If living is without you
35
00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:26,320
# I can't live
36
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,800
# I can't give any more... #
37
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,440
SONG CONTINUES SOFTLY
38
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:34,240
One bunch of keys,
one diary - tartan cover,
39
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:39,000
Sellotape, one return ticket -
Covent Garden to Ongar.
40
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,320
That's one journey
you won't be making for a while!
41
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,000
Ring.
42
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:45,600
That's my wedding ring.
43
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,040
Married, at your age? Daft!
44
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,840
RADIO: Nice one. Today's weather -
45
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:57,320
a maximum high of minus 2 degrees.
Sleet and hail.
46
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,880
But that won't bring us down!
47
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:03,800
# In the deserts of Sudan
48
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:08,040
# And the gardens of Japan
49
00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:11,280
# From Milan to Yucatan
50
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:15,880
# Every woman's every man
51
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:21,960
# Hit me with your rhythm stick
Hit me, hit me!
52
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:26,280
# Je t'adore, ich liebe dich
Hit me, hit me, hit me
53
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,520
# Hit me with your rhythm stick
54
00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:32,040
# Hit me slowly, hit me quick
Hit me! #
55
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,720
RADIO MUSIC CONTINUES
56
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:45,920
Pick that up, Ives!
57
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,920
What's YOUR name? Rudge.
58
00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,920
"Mr Mackay." Mr Mackay.
59
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:05,160
There are only two rules
in this prison, Rudge. Listening?
60
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,960
One, you do not write on the walls.
61
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:11,760
Two, you obey all the rules.
All right?
62
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:13,000
Carry on.
63
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:18,960
# It's nice to be a lunatic!
Hit me, hit me!
64
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,720
# Hit me!
65
00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:35,120
# Hit me, hit me, HIT! #
66
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,160
DOOR SLAMS
67
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:52,640
# Do you see yon screw
with his looks so vain?
68
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:56,600
# With his brand-new keys
on his brand-new chain?
69
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,760
# With a face like a ferret
and a pea for a brain?
70
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:04,600
# And his hand on his whistle
in the morning. #
71
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:08,400
Is that you, Fletcher?
72
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,240
Is that me what, sir?
73
00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:15,080
Satirical singing. "John Peel", sir?
74
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:19,840
Traditional, that is. Second only to
my favourite, "Scotland The Brave"!
75
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:24,080
# Come where the 'ands are clapping
Come where the toes are tapping
76
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,120
# Come where the Jocks
are strapping down... #
77
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,000
Fletcher! Sir.
78
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,560
If you want to sing, I suggest you
form a Slade Prison Glee Club!
79
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,240
Glee?!
80
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,080
Got any snout? What if I have?
81
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,080
If you have, all right.
82
00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:52,600
If you hadn't, I'd offer you some.
I got me own.
83
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:53,760
Fair enough.
84
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,040
Lennie Godber.
85
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:14,840
Fletch? I'm late.
Read me this letter from the wife.
86
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:17,440
If you can't read, how do you know
it's from the wife?
87
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,720
It's got her scent.
88
00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:23,320
Oh, dear! Does she work
in a tarpaulin factory?
89
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:26,600
Come on, read it for me. All right,
I'll give you the highlights.
90
00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:29,520
"Dearest Bunny, Blah, blah blah,
91
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,880
"blah blah, blah, blah...
92
00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:34,920
"blah blah, blah...
Blah-blah what? Just trivia.
93
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,320
The weather, her mother's catarrh,
94
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:40,840
she's retiled the lav,
the canary's got haemorrhoids...
95
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,560
..she's met a welder
at the Fiesta Club
96
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:48,200
and she might move in with him.
All right? Can't hang about.
97
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,800
We haven't got a canary!
98
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:59,600
These men are gainfully employed in
the manufacture of prison uniforms.
99
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,400
Could open my boutique
when I get out.
100
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,080
That'll do, Armstrong!
101
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:05,840
In the other workshop,
men are making metal dustbins.
102
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:10,920
Then there's the electrical shop,
maintenance, laundry and farm...
103
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,360
Wearing make-up again, Whittaker?
104
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:16,760
Only a touch of rouge, Mr Mackay.
Get it off!
105
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,720
Anyone got any cleansing cream?
106
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,160
Get a lot of that, sir?
107
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,680
Insubordination? Poovery.
108
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,480
Inevitable.
109
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:35,120
We put them all in G Wing,
or as we call it, Married Quarters!
110
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,560
I don't understand it myself, sir.
Never did.
111
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:41,800
Don't let that show, Mr Beal.
My attitude is, whatever he is,
112
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:45,240
each man here is as despicable
as the next one.
113
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,120
Very fair-minded, sir.
I like to think so.
114
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,520
FLETCHER YAWNS NOISILY
115
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,360
Afternoon, Mr Barrowclough.
116
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:06,280
Busy, Fletcher? Oh, yes, sir!
Busier than ever.
117
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:08,160
Still, I never complain.
118
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:11,800
I can't actually see
what you're supposed to be doing.
119
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:16,040
The pigs, sir - they won't eat
without my reassuring presence.
120
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,040
Very highly strung,
your average pig.
121
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,440
Who's he? Oh...Rudge.
122
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:25,840
Newly assigned to the farm.
How'd he work that? Pardon?
123
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:29,720
First day inside? The farm?
Is he the Guv'nor's nephew?
124
00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:33,440
No, no, a first offender.
Admin thought it best.
125
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:37,000
Gawd knows we need all the help we
can get. 'Ere, lad.
126
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,520
What? Shovel it.
127
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:42,960
Shovel what? That. Where?
From here to there. Why?
128
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:46,040
Why? Ah, if only we knew that,
but we don't!
129
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:50,920
"Ours not to reason why, ours but to
clean the sty." Wordsworth.
130
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,320
Yes, well, you'd better do
as Fletcher says.
131
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:08,560
This job IS a privilege, you know.
For the pigs, yeah.
132
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:11,440
Look, set that lad an example.
133
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:15,960
Obviously, he's been foolish
to finish up inside here.
134
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:20,120
Show him that, with a bit of graft,
he can make a success of life.
135
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:23,400
Success? Oh, yeah,
I'll tell you about success!
136
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:26,440
I had a pal,
came to London 28 years ago
137
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,600
without two ha'pennies
to rub together.
138
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:32,600
He scraped up the money
for a handcart,
139
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:36,120
and he went round
collecting old newspapers.
140
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,680
Know what he's worth today?
No, what?
141
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:40,920
Nothing! And he still owes
for the handcart!
142
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,960
The farm. Afternoon, Mr Mackay.
Mr Barrowclough.
143
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:57,200
The farm produces a modicum
of what the prison eats.
144
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:01,960
We have livestock - pigs, poultry -
and allotments for the older lags.
145
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,000
Ah, yes.
146
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,200
No guided tour of Slade Prison
would be complete
147
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,640
without meeting Fletcher,
Norman Stanley.
148
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:13,280
Afternoon, Mr Mackay, Mr Beal.
149
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:14,640
How do you know my name?
150
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:16,480
Word gets round. Doesn't take long.
151
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,320
I expect you're already a legend
on some bog walls!
152
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:25,280
Typical recidivist. Been doing
porridge most of his life.
153
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:30,320
NEVER - I repeat, NEVER -
give him the benefit of the doubt.
154
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:34,520
Oh, sir. You know me -
bide me time, keep me nose clean.
155
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:39,160
I'm no bother. Long to do?
Long enough. What you in for?
156
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,000
Got caught.
157
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,400
Got the picture?
158
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,680
What sort of pie is this?
159
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:59,560
Fruit pie. I realise that.
What sort of fruit?
160
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:03,280
I dunno. Comes out of a tin marked
"Fruit Pie Filling".
161
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,680
So we have no clue to its origins?
162
00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:08,840
No, it's NOT oranges.
More like...
163
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,480
..plum or damson.
164
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:13,880
What's the hold-up?
165
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,840
The defrocked dentist's
having a go at the cuisine again.
166
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,360
Move along!
167
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:21,360
This food has not one ounce
of nutritional value!
168
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:24,080
Come on, Egon Ronay! Shift yourself!
169
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:27,160
That's the matter with you people,
Fletcher!
170
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,960
None of you exercises
their right to complain!
171
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,080
If you don't move on, my son,
172
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:35,240
I'll exercise my right forearm
down your throat.
173
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,360
That'll do.
174
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,960
Put your complaint in writing.
Would it do any good? No.
175
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:51,160
'Ere, Len. Do the laddo a favour
on his first day.
176
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,560
Give him a small portion.
177
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,880
You're not doing yourself
any favours, Banyard.
178
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,200
You're getting up
other people's noses.
179
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:11,160
We have rights! We don't.
We're in the nick.
180
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,560
I suppose you think you're
entitled to something better
181
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:15,240
because you went
to a public school.
182
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,600
On the contrary, Ives,
I'm used to this kind of food -
183
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:18,760
I went to Harrow!
184
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,800
That's a good advert
for the public school system, eh?
185
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,240
Prepare you for the nick.
186
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:26,680
It's worse for him
cos he has had further to drop.
187
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:29,480
Professional man. Dentist. Tragic.
188
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:33,720
Tragic?! No laughing matter for that
woman he had under the laughing gas!
189
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:37,160
There's no need for that, Ives.
No need to unearth the past.
190
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,000
I'm paying for my peccadilloes.
191
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,360
If you're paying,
I'll have a large one!
192
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,400
What's a peccadillo?
193
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:45,720
A South African bird -
194
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:48,440
flies backwards
to stop getting sand in its eyes.
195
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:52,160
No. I know what you mean, though.
196
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,800
It's an animal.
Called the armourdildo!
197
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:57,400
"Armourdildo"?
198
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,720
No, no,
that was King Arthur's codpiece!
199
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:03,000
I think that's what I'm eating
an' all.
200
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,760
TOILET FLUSHES
201
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,680
Don't worry, it may never 'appen.
It HAS. I'm here!
202
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:21,760
Now, look. Whatever you're in here
for, you did it, didn't ya?
203
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,800
Bang to rights, yeah. Yeah.
204
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:27,560
Like me. If we hadn't been caught,
we'd have been Jack the Lad, eh?
205
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:31,640
But we was collared.
And that's that. So don't bleat!
206
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:35,040
If you can't do the time, don't do
the crime. I ain't bleating! Good!
207
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:42,040
Prison is like life, you know.
208
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,280
You need something to believe in
in here.
209
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,960
Something to hang on to
so you don't go under.
210
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,120
You can't buck the system.
It's mad to try.
211
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:53,280
But you CAN lift the heart
with an occasional little victory.
212
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,480
Well, nice talkin' to you, Rudge.
213
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,960
Oh, one more thing.
214
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:08,160
Don't hang about here too long.
Ambush Alley they call this.
215
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,120
Not a safe place in a nick.
216
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,320
You get 'em all in here -
217
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,960
transvestites, homosexuals,
drug addicts, the lot.
218
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,680
When someone walks in,
just sits down and gets on with it,
219
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:19,280
it's like a breath of fresh air!
220
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:24,320
WATER RUSHES
Oi!
221
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,280
RADIO: Most areas
of the Home Counties
222
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,040
were again affected
by major power cuts.
223
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,400
Talks between the Government
and the union were broken off
224
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,280
following their rejection
of a 40% increase.
225
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,680
The weather -
freezing fog and black ice...
226
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:36,040
Shoes all right, Mr Grout?
227
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,600
OK, on your way, Jacko.
228
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,640
MUSIC: The Archers Theme Tune
229
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,320
I don't like the look of
that new 'un.
230
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,960
What's his name? Beal? Yeah.
231
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,960
Put me king back.
232
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,840
What are you incinerating?
233
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,960
It was there!
234
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:05,360
Was it? Maybe I jogged the table.
Maybe the wind blew it.
235
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,360
That's why they're called draughts,
you know. The wind blows them about.
236
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:09,440
Put it back, then.
237
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:12,680
Put it where you like
if winning's that important to you.
238
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,960
I'll have it where it was, thank you.
239
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:19,120
I don't mind losing,
so long as it's fair and square.
240
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,360
Show you a man
that laughs at defeat,
241
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:24,440
and I will show you a black
chiropodist with a sense of humour!
242
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,840
Almost lock-up, Mr Beal.
Then I'll buy you a jar.
243
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,480
I wouldn't say no, sir.
244
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:35,360
The prison officers have a club,
known as the Prison Officers' Club.
245
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,320
It was formerly the old coke store
before we converted to gas.
246
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:41,320
It's basic but they've worked
wonders with paint,
247
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:44,520
a few horse brasses
and some imagination.
248
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,760
I look forward to it, sir.
249
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,480
Oh...sorry, Mr Mackay.
What are you up to?
250
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,800
Really, Mr Mackay!
You're always up to something.
251
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:57,000
This is Ives, Mr Beal.
Horrible Ives. Aren't you?
252
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,800
If you say so, sir.
253
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,880
Don't be cheeky, Ives!
254
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,200
BELL RINGS LOUDLY
255
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,280
What a shame. Just when
you was poised for victory.
256
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:12,040
Don't worry.
We'll continue this tomorrow.
257
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:15,920
IF I'm free. I shall have
to consult my social diary.
258
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,480
"Well, that's all I have time for.
259
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,640
"There's the ironing to do
before Starsky and Hutch.
260
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:32,040
"Needless to say, I love you
and miss your loving..."
261
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,280
"..arms", I think it is.
Yeah, it would be.
262
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:38,920
Then there's lots
of hugs and kisses. Nice letter.
263
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:43,680
So there's nothin' in here
about a welder or a canary?
264
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:44,960
No, I would have noticed.
265
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:52,240
'Ey! What? There weren't
no welder or a canary!
266
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,960
And I never thought there were,
neither!
267
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,640
What's he on about? Search me.
268
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:05,440
Stir crazy, perhaps.
269
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:09,800
How did that kid, Rudge,
wangle the farm? Charm!
270
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,840
He's been in his cell since chow,
just sat starin' at the wall.
271
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,960
Well, it's his first experience
of your cottage pie!
272
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:20,640
Best not to move about after that.
273
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,960
He's only a kid.
Oh, dear. Listen to her!
274
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:28,320
I remember how I felt on my first
night when that door banged shut.
275
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:31,920
Go and have a word with him. Why?
Well, you're good at it.
276
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,000
You perked me up
when I first come inside.
277
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,920
I broke you in, Godber,
because you was forced upon MY cell.
278
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,200
It was in my interest
279
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:41,240
not to have a manic depressive
in the bottom bunk!
280
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:48,040
Suit yourself. I will, I will.
281
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:53,720
Oh, dear. You owe me darning wool.
I gave you some!
282
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,000
In exchange for the orange.
283
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,200
Tangerine.
284
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,640
Besides, that was to pay me
for the stamp. What stamp?
285
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,440
For your pools.
286
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:05,560
I paid that with my toothpaste!
That was for the darning wool.
287
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:12,040
I'm not going to argue with you
all night! Have you got any?
288
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:15,440
Yeah. Well, are you gonna
give me some or ain't ya?
289
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:16,480
Yeah.
290
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:22,960
What? Free, gratis and for nothing?
Yeah. Cobblers!
291
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,680
ALL AWAY!
292
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:27,080
Let's have them away now!
293
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:35,080
RESOUNDING SLAM
OF DOORS AND LOCKS
294
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,840
All away!
295
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,560
Let's have them away!
296
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:55,560
Evening, all.
IN UNISON: Mr Mackay.
297
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:59,600
Evening. What will you have, sir?
No, no, no, my shout.
298
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:03,520
Henry? Oh...oh, no.
I-I must be off soon.
299
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,800
Nonsense! Give him the same again.
300
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:09,320
Mr Beal and I will have a pint
of your finest.
301
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:12,480
I'll have a dram on the side.
Purely medicinal.
302
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,120
Snug in here, don't you think?
303
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:21,960
Very nice.
304
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,360
Any suggestions,
put them to the Committee,
305
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:27,040
of which I happen to be Chairman.
I will, yes.
306
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:30,360
A club like this
gives the men a chance to unwind
307
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:34,720
at the end of the day,
have a few laughs. Right, Henry?
308
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,880
Oh...yes. It's...invaluable
in that respect.
309
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,960
A welcome sight! The first today.
310
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,720
Here's to you, Mr Beal.
And you, Mr Mackay.
311
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:50,880
What you had to say
was very instructive, sir.
312
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:55,440
Well, one does one's best to be
helpful. Very helpful. Cheers.
313
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,160
Bottoms up. Oh...down the hatch.
314
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,640
No, it's not a glamour profession.
315
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:08,080
We're underpaid, understaffed
and overlooked.
316
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:11,000
Even though every time
we walk these landings,
317
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,800
we put our lives on the line.
318
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:16,160
If you can't stand the heat,
get out of the kitchen.
319
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:20,240
The public never hears of us,
except adversely,
320
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:24,120
when some namby-pamby politician
takes up the case of a psychopath
321
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:26,600
who claims
we've been less than gentle.
322
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,480
What do they know, sir?
323
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:33,520
That's why we're a pretty
tight bunch here. Unified!
324
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:39,160
Unified in the face of criminal
hostility and public indifference.
325
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:41,880
That's why this place
is important to us.
326
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:48,960
Where the hell IS everybody?!
327
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,960
SHOUTS AND LOUD MOANS
328
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,960
SHOUTS CONTINUE
329
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,960
AGONISED MOANS AND CRIES
330
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,920
You awake, Fletch?
331
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:24,760
No.
332
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,600
It's that bloke, Atkinson. Mm.
333
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:33,720
Keeps getting these terrible
nightmares. Mm, yeah.
334
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:36,360
He told the shrink
but he just gives him aspirin.
335
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,720
You have to feel compassion,
don't you? Mm.
336
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,080
A human soul in such torment.
337
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,240
A PIERCING YELL
338
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,840
Belt up, Atkinson, you noisy scrote!
339
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,680
Come along, let's be having you!
340
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,760
Morning, Atkinson. Sleeping better?
341
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:10,920
I slept like a top till some stupid
cretin started shouting!
342
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:18,880
What's the rush, son?
Watch where you're going.
343
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,560
You should watch
where you're standing.
344
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:23,680
What's your name?
What's it to you?
345
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,400
There's no problem here,
Mr Lassiter.
346
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,080
Name's R-rudge.
347
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:40,480
My name's Harry Grout.
Don't think we've had the pleasure.
348
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,480
These are my friends,
Samson and Delilah.
349
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:46,760
Samson got his nickname
because of the muscle.
350
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:52,720
She got hers because of her
striking resemblance to Hedy Lamarr.
351
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,720
Grouty, listen to this! What?
352
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:58,280
You know Robbie Patton
in the laundry?
353
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:02,120
Well, his wife wanted a divorce
so she goes to a solicitor.
354
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:05,720
He says,
"You've got to have grounds.
355
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:07,800
"First, there's insanity."
356
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:11,400
Robbie's a dipstick
but he's not certifiable, eh?
357
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,280
"Then there's desertion."
358
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,640
Well, he can't go nowhere in here!
359
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,520
"Third, cruelty."
360
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,600
As you know, he wouldn't hurt a fly.
361
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:20,800
"So that leaves adultery."
362
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,320
"What's adultery?" she says.
So he tells her.
363
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,680
"I think we got him!" she says.
364
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,400
"He is not the father of my child!"
365
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:29,720
Good, innit?
366
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,160
Thought you'd like it!
Can I have laddo?
367
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:38,440
We mustn't be late for work.
All right? Come on, lad.
368
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:41,000
"Not the father of my child!"
369
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,400
Very funny!
370
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,880
I don't get it! Never mind.
371
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:57,640
Who was that fellow on the landing?
Harry Grout. He runs this nick.
372
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:00,400
Ain't that the Governor's job?
Only officially.
373
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:06,960
Next time, bow, curtsey, or lick
his boots if that's what he wants.
374
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:09,640
Thanks.
375
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:16,680
RADIO: Are you ready
to do the sluice?
376
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,760
The Listermint Sluice!
377
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:21,480
JINGLE PLAYS
378
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:25,440
Grout?
379
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:28,920
Yeah?
380
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:33,560
Ah...er...shouldn't you be
at your place of work by now?
381
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:38,960
Normally I would be, Mr Barrowclough
but I'm gonna see the MO.
382
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:41,920
Oh, I'm sorry.
Nothing serious, I hope?
383
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,000
Never been better.
384
00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:52,800
VIOLENT COUGHING
385
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,720
Oh...er...do you want
to go next, Mr Grout?
386
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:07,440
I mean, I-I'm in no rush.
387
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:12,000
I'm afraid
you'll all have to clear off.
388
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,520
I need this room for a meeting.
389
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,200
On your way, lads.
390
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:20,120
I don't know what this is about,
but I require urgent treatment!
391
00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:21,640
My boil needs lancing.
392
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:24,440
Hop it or I'll have
one of my lads do it.
393
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:34,800
We haven't met.
394
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:36,880
I'm Harry Grout.
395
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:38,040
Everybody knows that.
396
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:40,120
Bill Oakes.
397
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,280
I know your form, Oaksey.
398
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:49,040
You're no second rater.
You was moved 'ere from Wakefield...
399
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:54,200
..where you obviously
kept your nose clean.
400
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:59,440
Halfway through a 12-stretch
for armed robbery. That's right.
401
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:00,920
A big tickle, your last job.
402
00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:05,440
I hope the money's safely
tucked away.
403
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,520
Someone's been investing it for me.
404
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:10,800
Safe as prefabs, then!
That's why I want out.
405
00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:16,200
I wish to unfreeze my assets
and take off to the sun.
406
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:18,320
I can see how you would!
407
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:24,120
There'll be appropriate recompense
to your good self. Yeah...
408
00:26:24,120 --> 00:26:26,880
I like the word "recompense".
409
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:31,680
I was thinking in the region of...
No, I'll tell you MY thinking.
410
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:35,320
5,000 - three before, two after.
411
00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:39,800
It's only fair
the lion's share's up front.
412
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,480
Once people take off to the sun,
413
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,640
they can get careless
about tidying their affairs.
414
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:48,440
Where do you want it put?
415
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:52,720
Hastings & Thanet
Building Society, Bexhill Branch.
416
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,760
How long will you need?
Up to three months.
417
00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:59,160
Supposing you don't spring me?
418
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:00,520
Then you get your money back.
419
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:07,840
Mind you, I keep the interest.
9.25%, tax paid.
420
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:11,040
Next.
421
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,120
Oh. Where have they all gone?
422
00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:14,600
They got better, Doc.
423
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,800
You look down in the mouth,
Mr Barrowclough.
424
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:30,760
Nothing new. Same old story.
Domestic crisis, you know.
425
00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:34,480
Oh, dear.
Has Mrs Barrowclough left you?
426
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:35,840
Unhappily...
427
00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:38,680
..no, Fletcher.
428
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:43,080
KNOCK ON GATE
429
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,000
Wait.
430
00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:54,800
Morning.
431
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,160
# She wheels her wheelbarrow
432
00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:59,720
# Through streets broad and narrow
Crying "Cockles..." #
433
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,520
Ooh! He loves all that, you know!
434
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:07,480
# "..and mussels,
Alive, alive-o!" #
435
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:10,040
I told you to wait in the car!
436
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:12,320
# She wheels her wheelbarrow
437
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:15,120
# Through Willesden and Harrow
438
00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:17,200
# Crying... #
439
00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:26,960
Watch for him - he's
the Mad Butcher of Slade Prison!
440
00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:29,800
What did he do?
Fiddled the VAT on his sausages!
441
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:50,600
Where are you taking that?
Pig swill. What?!
442
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:54,000
Swill for the pigs. Pig swill.
443
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:55,640
It's Fletcher, isn't it?
444
00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:59,880
Yes, sir!
Settling in all right, sir?
445
00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:03,040
Never mind if I am or if I'm not.
446
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:06,160
I wouldn't leave that bike there,
sir.
447
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:10,200
When I want your advice,
I'll ask for it.
448
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:14,080
Suit yourself, sir.
But there ARE thieves in here.
449
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:21,200
Whose side are you on -
our or theirs? Neither. Mine.
450
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:43,560
It lacks something, Lotterby.
451
00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:46,840
With this soup, Elizabeth David
recommends coriander, bayleaves
452
00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:48,200
and a dash of pepper.
453
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:56,840
I said a DASH, Lotterby!
454
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:28,200
Argh! I've cut the top
of me finger off! Ow!
455
00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:30,240
Stop fussing! Show me!
456
00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:33,240
No! Gerroff!
Stop making such a fuss!
457
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:37,160
What's going on?! Oh, shame.
458
00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:39,680
This man has had an accident, sir.
459
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:44,760
Let's see, Cooper.
Carry on, the rest of you!
460
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:47,680
I-I thought I'd cut
the top of me finger off...
461
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:50,080
..but it seems
it's still there...sir.
462
00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:02,160
Is that your bicycle, Mr Beal?
463
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:05,880
Yes, as a precaution
I brought it indoors.
464
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:10,200
Into this thieves' kitchen?!
Ask yourself, was that wise?
465
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:13,880
Er...what would they want with it,
sir?
466
00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:17,320
The Lord alone knows. Rob now,
think later, that's their motto!
467
00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:23,640
What's on the menu today, Godber?
468
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:27,240
Creme Dubarry, sir, and curry.
469
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:29,360
Curried what? Er...meat, sir.
470
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:30,960
What meat?
471
00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:34,360
I don't know. It just says
"Tinned Meat" on the tin, sor.
472
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:38,360
Ladle.
473
00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:40,920
He sees himself as a curry expert
474
00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:43,640
on account of his posting
in the army. India?
475
00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:44,680
No, Bradford.
476
00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:49,960
Very fair, Godber, very fair.
477
00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:53,720
Perhaps just a dash
more curry powder?
478
00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:57,160
Right, sir. Er...
Lotterby, curry powder.
479
00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:08,760
HE SNEEZES
480
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:10,760
GLASS SHATTERS
481
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:15,120
Hanky, sir?
482
00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:24,480
Blow! I can't breathe! The doctor!
The MO...? Get the doctor!
483
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:49,320
Hello, Len... Hi, Fletch.
484
00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:51,840
FLETCHER RINGS BICYCLE BELL
485
00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:53,640
So that's what you got? Yeah.
486
00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:56,200
It's hardly been used.
What will YOU use it for?
487
00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:58,760
I dunno.
488
00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:00,280
Why'd you nick it?
489
00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:02,360
Well, he'd got one and I hadn't!
490
00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:07,880
I wonder why Mackay hasn't come
down on us like a ton of bricks.
491
00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:12,040
I tell you why. He lost something
in the kitchen, that's why.
492
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:15,160
What, pride? No. Shift your backside.
Why?
493
00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:17,040
It's hidden in your mattress.
494
00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:20,840
So if we get a search,
I get blamed! Oh, yes.
495
00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:23,800
You think of everything. I try.
496
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:26,720
Have a look outside,
see if one of them's about.
497
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:35,760
OK. Shut your eyes.
498
00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:39,080
Open up.
499
00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:41,520
Teeth! Yeah, Jaws Three! Look...
500
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:43,560
HE HUMS THE JAWS THEME
501
00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:48,360
Get off! How'd you get 'em?
Mackay sneezed 'em into the curry.
502
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:52,040
I'm not sleeping on THEM.
Half a set can't bite you!
503
00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:55,560
No, no, they're red hot. He'll turn
the nick over looking for them!
504
00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:58,560
He'll negotiate first. Bit risky.
505
00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:00,000
You know what they say -
506
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:02,960
"Nothing dentured, nothing gained!"
507
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:04,920
Listen, Fletcher...
508
00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:06,760
Ives, knock before you come in here!
509
00:34:11,720 --> 00:34:14,080
Who is it? Ives!
510
00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:15,880
Clear off!
511
00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:18,240
Listen, Fletcher!
Grouty wants to see you.
512
00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:25,160
RADIO: Before we get
to your last record,
513
00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:27,880
how well would you look
after yourself on this island?
514
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:29,360
Are you good with your hands?
515
00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:34,720
Yes, I'm a farily practical person.
I do my share around the house.
516
00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:41,920
How's the diet going? All right?
517
00:34:41,920 --> 00:34:45,000
RADIO: This is the recording
you've chosen.
518
00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:49,040
Desert Island Discs.
Oh, yeah.
519
00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:52,760
An ambition of mine, to
be on that programme. Yeah.
520
00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:55,920
Nice threads, Grouty.
Yeah, feel that.
521
00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:58,240
100% cashmere. Lovely.
522
00:34:58,240 --> 00:35:04,920
He's doing me one in barathea for
the warm weather. IF it comes. Yeah.
523
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:06,240
On your way, Tink.
524
00:35:12,880 --> 00:35:15,680
RADIO SWITCHES OFF
525
00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:20,720
Now, then. Er...yeah.
Er, if it's about the teeth...
526
00:35:20,720 --> 00:35:24,600
What? Of course you are entitled
to first refusal.
527
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:27,480
Are you referring
to Mackay's missing molars?
528
00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:30,920
I presume that's why I was sent for.
Nothing escapes you.
529
00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:36,120
Oh, no, Fletch. If you've got 'em,
that's YOUR tickle. Oh, good!
530
00:35:37,320 --> 00:35:41,560
Oh, no. I wanted to talk to you
about something else.
531
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:45,200
Oh, dear. I had this notion.
532
00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:46,920
A football match.
533
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:51,320
Showbiz celebrities come up 'ere,
534
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:53,720
give the lads a boost.
Good for morale.
535
00:35:53,720 --> 00:35:56,120
Oh, yeah, yeah. Lovely, Grouty.
536
00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:59,320
I know a bloke in the Smoke
who could organise it.
537
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:02,000
First thing's to get
the Guv'nor's blessing.
538
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:05,520
The Guv'nor would do anything
for you! Yeah.
539
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,640
YOU suggest it, Fletch.
540
00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:18,960
Why me? Because you can be trusted
and I know you'd do it subtle.
541
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:21,600
Oh, yeah!
And if anything went wrong,
542
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:24,600
it would all come back on ME.
That's right!
543
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:28,520
Don't know why
I didn't think of that myself!
544
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:35,720
I'll do it, sir,
545
00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:39,960
but I'm not happy that
we should kowtow to these people.
546
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:44,520
If we do this kind of thing, isn't
there a danger of a loss of face?
547
00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:46,960
Dat's noding compared
to my loss of teef!
548
00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:52,000
RADIO: The outlook for the weekend
is little change.
549
00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:53,920
That's the weather, folks.
550
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:57,680
If you're thinking of going out,
my advice is "Don't!"
551
00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:00,800
What's that?
552
00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:04,640
A Spitfire. Saved our skins
in the war, them and the Hurricanes.
553
00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:10,160
That's what I'd like
to have been - a fighter pilot.
554
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:14,280
Up over the white cliffs of Dover,
a quick dogfight with the Luftwaffe,
555
00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:17,080
then back to the mess
for bacon and eggs and a sing-song.
556
00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:25,720
Er...could I have a word, Fletcher?
557
00:37:25,720 --> 00:37:27,720
I'm busy, Mr Barrowclough.
Do you mind?
558
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:35,160
If you insist, sir.
559
00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:36,880
Have to call it a draw, Hedley.
560
00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:39,400
In private, if you don't mind.
561
00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:43,680
Oh, yeah? Delicate matter.
Oh! Step in the office.
562
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:56,240
I'm here at the request of Mr Ma...
er, one of my senior colleagues.
563
00:37:56,240 --> 00:37:58,400
Well, I-I think you know that...
564
00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:01,800
I know that you know...what I know.
565
00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:03,160
Do I?
566
00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:06,800
The grapevine says you could put
your hand on what he hasn't got.
567
00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:12,120
If he hasn't got it,
how could I put me hand on it?
568
00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:16,640
And if he HAS, I'm not sure I want
to! Don't be obtuse, Fletcher!
569
00:38:16,640 --> 00:38:19,040
We both know what we're on about!
570
00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:21,600
And I want you to know,
I heartily disapprove.
571
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:24,880
Oh, so do I, sir! So do I!
572
00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:29,640
But we are just the go-betweens,
here to maintain the status quo.
573
00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:33,800
Unless we come to an arrangement,
they go in the auction on Sunday.
574
00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:36,280
Ah...yes.
575
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:40,960
My task is to ensure
that the item in question
576
00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:43,320
is restored to its rightful place.
577
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:47,000
To wit, his mouth.
Do we see eye to eye?
578
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:48,680
Yeah! You know what they say -
579
00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:51,120
"An eye for an eye
and a tooth for a mouth!"
580
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:52,160
Clear off!
581
00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:57,640
I have been authorised to go up to
a fiver.
582
00:38:57,640 --> 00:38:59,880
The quicker you go up to it,
the better!
583
00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:04,720
Hang it all, I would like to make
a token gesture towards bargaining!
584
00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:08,560
Sorry, sir, sorry. Bargain away.
585
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:11,240
£3.50? A fiver.
586
00:39:11,240 --> 00:39:12,360
Done.
587
00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:13,640
You certainly have been!
588
00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:24,080
It was a 50-50 ball
and he bottled out!
589
00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:27,920
I'll have you for that. Go on!
590
00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:39,000
Afternoon, Mr Beal.
Afternoon, Fletcher.
591
00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:41,760
Football fan, are you?
I love the game, sir.
592
00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:43,320
It's good for the lads.
593
00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:48,200
Teaches 'em things in life,
like give an' take, fair play...
594
00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:49,840
Put the boot in, E-Wing!
595
00:39:52,160 --> 00:39:55,080
I used to play a bit, in goal.
596
00:39:55,080 --> 00:39:59,080
Yeah, I can see you as custodian.
597
00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:01,160
Not much would get past you, eh,
Mr Beal?
598
00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:06,400
Come on, somebody!
599
00:40:06,400 --> 00:40:12,160
I WAS fairly useful. Essex Methodist
League, Runners Up in '69.
600
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:14,000
Oh, my word, sir.
601
00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:19,320
What the lads really need
is more motivation. Hm?
602
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:21,200
It's a pity someone in authority
603
00:40:21,200 --> 00:40:26,200
don't get one of them showbiz teams
up here. Work wonders for morale.
604
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:28,480
Show business? Yeah.
605
00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:32,600
I know a bloke in the Smoke
who runs that sort of thing.
606
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,120
Really? Yeah.
607
00:40:36,720 --> 00:40:39,800
Been nice talkin' to you, Mr Beal.
608
00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:41,320
Yes, on your way, Fletcher.
609
00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:47,160
Another, my good man.
Oh, my round, sir. Thirsty work, eh?
610
00:40:47,160 --> 00:40:50,920
Top that one up. It keeps me in trim,
though. So I see, sir.
611
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:56,880
A lot of talent in the men
but...they lack motivation.
612
00:40:56,880 --> 00:41:00,000
Well, they can
hardly join a League, Mr Beal.
613
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:02,600
They can't play away matches!
614
00:41:06,040 --> 00:41:11,160
Er...I know a chap in London
who organises charity matches.
615
00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:13,240
Show business, that sort of thing.
616
00:41:13,240 --> 00:41:17,000
He might be willing to bring a team
up here. Show business?
617
00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:21,200
It'd work wonders for morale, sir.
Morale, eh?
618
00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:22,240
Morale.
619
00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:27,480
Morale, Mr Mackay?
Could work wonders, sir.
620
00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:31,000
A team from outside,
a sprinkling of celebrities.
621
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:36,800
Put Slade on the map, sir.
Local press, that kind of thing.
622
00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:41,320
This idea hasn't come from
the prisoners, has it? Oh, no, no!
623
00:41:41,320 --> 00:41:43,160
Off the top of my head...
624
00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:48,000
Yes...well...I'll give it
some thought. Very good, sir.
625
00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:59,440
It's on. I heard. Well done,
Fletch. Any time, Grouty.
626
00:41:59,440 --> 00:42:03,200
Now we need someone reliable
as trainer.
627
00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:07,040
Not me! I'm disenchanted
with the game.
628
00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:10,360
20 years of supporting Orient
does that to a man!
629
00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:12,600
I insist.
630
00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:14,840
Oh. In that case,
it is my privilege.
631
00:42:25,400 --> 00:42:27,800
LENNIE: Come on, Oaksey.
You're flagging!
632
00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:31,840
I heard Rod Stewart's coming.
Unlikely - he's a tax exile!
633
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:35,200
Who gives a monkey's?
We're getting double rations!
634
00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:37,880
Come on, then Oaksey!
Shift yourself!
635
00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:47,240
Well done, lads, well done.
636
00:42:47,240 --> 00:42:50,360
Remember, early night tonight.
637
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:53,760
No creeping off down the pub,
all right?
638
00:42:53,760 --> 00:42:55,480
Oh, I didn't see you, sir.
639
00:42:57,680 --> 00:43:02,560
A strange choice for trainer. Well,
it's the lads what decreed it, sir.
640
00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:06,400
They took a vote, know what I mean?
I heard.
641
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:10,200
Yet you have always despised
physical activity.
642
00:43:10,200 --> 00:43:11,800
Oh, not in others, sir.
643
00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:22,680
We've got plenty of strength at the
back. We're not short of stoppers.
644
00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:25,840
What we need
is creative mid-field flair.
645
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:29,240
Rudge could provide that.
Revelation, he was.
646
00:43:29,240 --> 00:43:33,400
Says he had a trial for Brentford,
before his trial for shopflifting.
647
00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:34,680
I can believe it.
648
00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:40,400
Have you,er... Have you chosen
the final team, like? Not yet, no.
649
00:43:48,640 --> 00:43:52,000
Want a bit of Kit-Kat?
What? Oh, ta!
650
00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:58,200
You must have a rough idea, though.
A nucleus, like.
651
00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:00,040
Well, it's taking shape.
652
00:44:02,160 --> 00:44:06,040
Have you got any socks need darning?
Yeah, I have!
653
00:44:08,240 --> 00:44:13,000
I thought I played quite well today.
Did ya? Well, I thought so.
654
00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:18,400
I scored one. What? Urquhart's shot?
It just hit your ear as it went in.
655
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:20,680
No, that was a cunning deflection.
656
00:44:20,680 --> 00:44:23,280
Oh, yeah?
657
00:44:23,280 --> 00:44:24,760
Oh, gawd!
658
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:28,840
So, er...how d'you rate my chances,
then, Fletch?
659
00:44:28,840 --> 00:44:31,520
Chances? Of what?
660
00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:32,920
Making the team!
661
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:35,760
Slim.
662
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:39,960
Darn your own naffin' socks!
663
00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:57,280
Oaksey! You're in for armed robbery
so try and steal the ball!
664
00:44:57,280 --> 00:44:59,000
In the spirit of things, Fletcher?
665
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:02,440
Afternoon, Mr Treadaway.
how do you rate our chances?
666
00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:05,680
Difficult to tell, sir.
Don't know what we're up against.
667
00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:10,640
Have you heard any more about who's
coming? It's still rather vague.
668
00:45:10,640 --> 00:45:15,600
There IS talk of David "Diddy"
Hamilton and one of The Goodies.
669
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:19,040
A right novelty
amongst these baddies!
670
00:45:19,040 --> 00:45:22,880
Is that all? No, but these people
have commitments.
671
00:45:22,880 --> 00:45:24,880
It's hard to pin them down.
672
00:45:24,880 --> 00:45:26,840
Your head's going down, Godber!
673
00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:32,600
We had a letter from
Michael Parkinson. Is HE coming?
674
00:45:32,600 --> 00:45:36,760
He says that he would have come,
but he isn't.
675
00:45:36,760 --> 00:45:39,120
But we have the letter on file.
676
00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:42,400
Didn't you mention
that comedian chap?
677
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:45,400
What's his name - Jimmy Tarbrush?
678
00:45:45,400 --> 00:45:49,000
Buck, sir. Yes, Buck Tarbrush.
679
00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:52,680
Well, unhappily,
he's indisposed, sir.
680
00:45:52,680 --> 00:45:54,000
Oh, dear.
681
00:45:56,800 --> 00:45:58,520
"Buck Tarbrush"!
682
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:02,080
We'll be lucky
to get Basil Brush!
683
00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:13,200
WHISPERS: Look out.
Mother Superior.
684
00:46:13,200 --> 00:46:17,000
The visitors' changing room, sir.
Our lot will change next door.
685
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:20,000
Are we painting that, too?
Certainly not! Good.
686
00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:24,320
And any valuables?
To be left in the coach. Wise.
687
00:46:24,320 --> 00:46:28,400
Who are these fellows?
Whittaker and Whalley.
688
00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:30,880
I picked them
for their artistic bent.
689
00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:33,880
Well, we're bent! Mmm, I know.
690
00:46:33,880 --> 00:46:35,160
Carry on.
691
00:46:41,720 --> 00:46:44,120
Get that eye shadow off, Whittaker!
692
00:46:47,280 --> 00:46:51,840
Afterwards, we could have a little
reception in the Officers' Club.
693
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:55,120
I don't think so -
such an inhospitable place.
694
00:46:55,120 --> 00:46:59,880
But, sir, I've brightened it up
with some horse brasses!
695
00:46:59,880 --> 00:47:02,800
And the MO's wife
donated a stag's head!
696
00:47:02,800 --> 00:47:06,000
I still think they'd be more
comfortable in the Plough and Sail.
697
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:16,640
Excuse me, I'd like to go through.
They're all engaged.
698
00:47:21,520 --> 00:47:25,000
Look, I have rights!
I'm desperate for a pee!
699
00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:30,640
This is blatant intimidation!
It's time you people realised...
700
00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:32,640
Hello, Fletch.
701
00:47:32,640 --> 00:47:34,240
Hello, Grouty.
702
00:47:34,240 --> 00:47:37,600
I intend to go through that door
and no-one is going to stop me!
703
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:39,800
THUMP!
Argh!
704
00:47:39,800 --> 00:47:41,800
So?
705
00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:44,240
Let's hear the team, then!
706
00:47:44,240 --> 00:47:49,680
Yeah...er, Ronnie Simkin in goal.
Lesser of two evils.
707
00:47:49,680 --> 00:47:51,880
Tom Armstrong, Steve Callaghan,
708
00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:56,200
McLaren, Nifty Small, Mini Cooper,
young Rudge, of course, and...
709
00:47:56,200 --> 00:47:59,800
FLETCH COUGHS
..Wellings and McMillan.
710
00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:02,920
Doug Hayward, Urquhart
and Lennie Godber.
711
00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:06,320
Subs, we got Bunny Warren, Adams
and Jacko, in case it gets ugly.
712
00:48:07,720 --> 00:48:09,840
Sounds a fairly well-balanced side.
713
00:48:09,840 --> 00:48:14,000
Yeah, we've got youth, experience,
flair and brutality.
714
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:18,040
Only thing was...
715
00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:20,560
..I didn't hear Oaksey's name
in there.
716
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:26,200
No, I think Oaksey would admit that
he is not a footballer.
717
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:27,280
Yes, I am.
718
00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:30,480
Well, a footballer, maybe.
719
00:48:30,480 --> 00:48:33,960
But I mean, you're not as fit
as the younger lads.
720
00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:35,240
Yes, I AM.
721
00:48:38,200 --> 00:48:41,280
Er...I was basing it on the fact
722
00:48:41,280 --> 00:48:44,840
that he cannot tackle, pass, trap
or dribble!
723
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:47,240
He throws in well, mind.
724
00:48:47,240 --> 00:48:49,200
He's playin'. He's not!
725
00:48:49,200 --> 00:48:50,640
Yes, I AM.
726
00:48:53,720 --> 00:48:55,480
Is he?
727
00:48:55,480 --> 00:48:56,720
Oh, yes.
728
00:48:58,680 --> 00:49:02,520
Oh, look, your name was down here
all the time, Oaksey!
729
00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:04,480
It's just I've spelt it McMillan.
730
00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:11,160
Come on, Fletcher! You're late.
All right.
731
00:49:13,480 --> 00:49:14,800
DOOR SLAMS SHUT
732
00:49:14,800 --> 00:49:16,480
I've had it with you!
733
00:49:16,480 --> 00:49:20,960
What? You've got up my goat
these last two weeks! Wrong!
734
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:24,480
I GET your goat,
not GET UP your goat!
735
00:49:24,480 --> 00:49:26,760
I get UP your nose
or ON your wick!
736
00:49:28,200 --> 00:49:31,560
Just lately, you've done all three!
737
00:49:31,560 --> 00:49:33,480
You never miss an edge, you!
738
00:49:33,480 --> 00:49:36,240
Running around like a tinpot
Napoleon, drunk with power.
739
00:49:36,240 --> 00:49:38,520
I've degraded myself,
giving you Kit Kats
740
00:49:38,520 --> 00:49:41,520
and darning your socks
just to make your naffing team!
741
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:44,080
We've been cellies a long time now!
742
00:49:44,080 --> 00:49:48,280
If you made the team automatic,
it would look like favouritism!
743
00:49:48,280 --> 00:49:51,760
You had to prove yourself. I did!
744
00:49:51,760 --> 00:49:55,960
I did more laps, more press-ups...
745
00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:58,760
But I will NOT lace up
everyone else's boots!
746
00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:00,920
You're in the team!
747
00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:04,480
Everyone's wetting their knickers
just because of a few celebrities!
748
00:50:04,480 --> 00:50:08,720
Don't you want to play, then?
What? You're in the team!
749
00:50:08,720 --> 00:50:12,160
Straight up? Centre back. Oh, ta!
750
00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:16,560
You're changeable, ain't ya?
Who else is in?
751
00:50:16,560 --> 00:50:18,920
Armstrong, Simkin, Rudge, Oakes...?!
752
00:50:18,920 --> 00:50:21,560
Look, you're in the team,
so don't quibble!
753
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:24,320
Anything you say, Coach!
754
00:50:24,320 --> 00:50:28,200
Who's captain? Why? I wondered
whether I was a contender.
755
00:50:28,200 --> 00:50:33,480
A captain has to possess attributes
which set him aside from his team.
756
00:50:33,480 --> 00:50:36,160
That's why I chose
Light-Fingered Larry...
757
00:50:36,160 --> 00:50:38,120
Urquhart?
What attributes has he got?!
758
00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:40,760
Half an ounce of snout
which he gave me!
759
00:50:44,480 --> 00:50:49,440
I must say, that's very
disappointing, Mr Bainbridge.
760
00:50:49,440 --> 00:50:52,360
You see, the thing is...
761
00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:06,600
Not many of the chaps in tonight.
There never are.
762
00:51:08,040 --> 00:51:11,120
It's a desperate place, is this!
763
00:51:11,120 --> 00:51:14,280
The only reason I come here -
it's this or go home.
764
00:51:17,000 --> 00:51:19,480
I'm single, myself.
765
00:51:19,480 --> 00:51:22,760
I WAS married, divorced now.
Oh, really?
766
00:51:24,560 --> 00:51:28,320
Look at it this way - 'tis
better to have loved and lost...
767
00:51:28,320 --> 00:51:30,720
..than to spend your whole
ruddy life with her!
768
00:51:30,720 --> 00:51:33,200
Ach!
769
00:51:33,200 --> 00:51:34,800
Same again, Chalky.
770
00:51:34,800 --> 00:51:38,760
That was Mr Bainbridge,
their team captain. Bad news.
771
00:51:38,760 --> 00:51:41,600
We've lost David "Diddy" Hamilton.
772
00:51:41,600 --> 00:51:42,760
Oh, dear.
773
00:51:43,760 --> 00:51:45,880
We still have the Goodie, have we?
774
00:51:45,880 --> 00:51:47,840
Well, he didn't say we hadn't.
775
00:51:51,440 --> 00:51:56,000
It's been good for the prison.
They talk about little else.
776
00:51:56,000 --> 00:52:00,000
And there's been a noticeable
dropping off of violence,
777
00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:03,480
apart from Banyard's nose.
778
00:52:03,480 --> 00:52:06,360
Yes, it was a commendable idea.
779
00:52:06,360 --> 00:52:07,760
Thank you! Thank you!
780
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:15,480
Ah!
781
00:52:23,720 --> 00:52:28,320
Welcome, gentlemen. Our pitch is
round the back. Shall we drive on?
782
00:53:25,480 --> 00:53:28,880
Well, here's the netball team.
Where's the flaming football team?
783
00:53:35,680 --> 00:53:39,000
Which one's the Goodie?
I don't recognise any of them!
784
00:53:41,640 --> 00:53:42,880
Fletcher.
785
00:53:43,960 --> 00:53:45,880
This is...er...yes, come on...
786
00:53:48,920 --> 00:53:53,160
This is Mr Bainbridge, who
organised the Showbiz XI. How do?
787
00:53:53,160 --> 00:53:54,600
Hello. Actually, we're only ten.
788
00:53:54,600 --> 00:53:59,480
Tony Macauley should have been here.
He's a songwriter. Do you know him?
789
00:53:59,480 --> 00:54:02,000
No. Oh.
790
00:54:02,000 --> 00:54:04,720
Well...he didn't turn up.
That's why we're late.
791
00:54:04,720 --> 00:54:07,920
We'd best get on.
We have no floodlights -
792
00:54:07,920 --> 00:54:10,840
not in the right places, anyway.
793
00:54:10,840 --> 00:54:12,880
Mr Barrowclough
will see you through.
794
00:54:12,880 --> 00:54:15,320
Could we borrow on of your chaps?
795
00:54:15,320 --> 00:54:16,760
One of your subs, Fletcher?
796
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:19,080
Yeah, but what about Mr Beal, sir?
797
00:54:19,080 --> 00:54:21,880
He plays a bit.
He's as keen as mustard, he is.
798
00:54:21,880 --> 00:54:24,240
Ye-e-s...I'll have a word with him.
799
00:54:24,240 --> 00:54:25,920
Thanks! Thanks a lot.
800
00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:33,080
Forgive me, sir,
but who the hell ARE they?
801
00:54:33,080 --> 00:54:37,080
We understood there'd be
a sprinkling of celebrities!
802
00:54:37,080 --> 00:54:39,200
The chap with red hair?
803
00:54:39,200 --> 00:54:42,640
Tells the weather on Anglia TV. Ah.
804
00:54:42,640 --> 00:54:46,760
There are scriptwriters
for someone quite famous! Oh.
805
00:54:46,760 --> 00:54:52,720
And Mr Bainbridge was in pantomime
at the Alhambra in...Swansea!
806
00:54:52,720 --> 00:54:56,200
Oh, I'll tell the lads.
They'll be right chuffed.
807
00:55:00,000 --> 00:55:02,000
Who are they, Fletch?
808
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:05,920
A weatherman, eight small parts
and Widow Twanky! Now, get changed.
809
00:55:05,920 --> 00:55:09,920
THEY ALL GROAN AND MUTTER COMPLAINTS
810
00:55:17,680 --> 00:55:22,200
Excuse me. Is there a garage nearby?
I've got to top up the bus.
811
00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:24,160
The lads won't want to stop
on the way back.
812
00:55:24,160 --> 00:55:29,120
Half a mile down the road, in
the village. Esso station. Just...
813
00:55:29,120 --> 00:55:31,280
Good. I'll nip down later.
814
00:55:31,280 --> 00:55:33,840
Right! I'd better get changed.
815
00:55:33,840 --> 00:55:37,880
TANNOY: The all-star celebrity match
will commence in five minutes.
816
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:39,920
Autograph hunting is not permitted.
817
00:55:45,240 --> 00:55:48,400
You all right, Oaksey? Yeah, yeah!
818
00:55:48,400 --> 00:55:51,280
Right, lads, pay attention!
819
00:55:51,280 --> 00:55:54,760
We're all disappointed
that they're nobodies.
820
00:55:54,760 --> 00:55:56,160
Aye. I know, I know.
821
00:55:56,160 --> 00:55:59,320
But the fact remains, they did
come all this way to give us a game.
822
00:55:59,320 --> 00:56:02,440
So, let's give 'em a game
and show 'em!
823
00:56:02,440 --> 00:56:05,920
No rough stuff! We don't need that.
What about Mr Beal?
824
00:56:05,920 --> 00:56:10,280
Oh, you can kick HIM
to kingdom come! But be subtle.
825
00:56:12,160 --> 00:56:13,560
Oh, never mind.
826
00:56:13,560 --> 00:56:17,640
Go on, off you go! And don't forget
what I've taught you!
827
00:56:18,760 --> 00:56:21,760
Whatever happens, don't let them
panic you into playing football!
828
00:56:26,320 --> 00:56:29,320
SPECTATORS CHEER
829
00:56:33,600 --> 00:56:36,320
I don't recognise ANY of them!
830
00:56:39,760 --> 00:56:44,160
LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
831
00:56:51,920 --> 00:56:55,480
CHEERING CONTINUES
832
00:57:21,200 --> 00:57:24,160
Why am I benched when that pillock
Oakes is on the park?
833
00:57:24,160 --> 00:57:28,520
You'll get on, son! Don't fret.
'Ere, have a snort of linament!
834
00:57:35,280 --> 00:57:38,600
Let's have a good clean contest!
It's not a boxing match!
835
00:57:38,600 --> 00:57:40,760
That's what I'm anxious to prevent.
836
00:57:40,760 --> 00:57:42,040
Call! Heads.
837
00:57:43,240 --> 00:57:45,400
Right, we'll stay as we are.
838
00:57:45,400 --> 00:57:46,680
Urquhart.
839
00:58:04,200 --> 00:58:07,440
Afternoon, Mr Treadaway.
Afternoon, Fletcher. How's it going?
840
00:58:07,440 --> 00:58:11,080
It's hard to tell
ten seconds into the game.
841
00:58:11,080 --> 00:58:13,520
Yes, good dog. All right.
Good dog, good dog.
842
00:58:17,280 --> 00:58:19,040
Which one's the Goodie?
843
00:58:19,040 --> 00:58:21,960
He didn't come but we have
a weatherman on the wing.
844
00:58:21,960 --> 00:58:23,320
He says it'll rain.
845
00:58:26,960 --> 00:58:30,720
Oh, well played, Slade!
846
00:58:30,720 --> 00:58:32,320
Er...who is that?
847
00:58:32,320 --> 00:58:35,040
Armstrong, sir.
Class player, he is.
848
00:58:35,040 --> 00:58:38,080
Yes, he's out next month.
Pity, for our next fixture.
849
00:58:38,080 --> 00:58:40,280
Yeah, he'll be right choked.
850
00:58:40,280 --> 00:58:42,320
More games on the agenda, sir?
851
00:58:42,320 --> 00:58:45,480
I don't see why not,
if this one goes without a hitch.
852
00:58:45,480 --> 00:58:47,680
Good for morale.
LIGHT DRUMMING
853
00:58:47,680 --> 00:58:49,080
What's that noise?
854
00:58:49,080 --> 00:58:52,480
Nothing. Just your dog
peeing against my bucket.
855
00:58:52,480 --> 00:58:55,360
Bad dog! COME ON, Oaksey! Move!
856
00:59:02,480 --> 00:59:04,520
Are you blind? That came off HIM!
857
00:59:04,520 --> 00:59:07,560
Oh, sorry. Did it?
I never touched it! You did! Didn't!
858
00:59:07,560 --> 00:59:09,680
It's a message in semaphore!
859
00:59:09,680 --> 00:59:13,960
I'm honest! You saying I'm not?
That's why you're here, isn't it?
860
00:59:13,960 --> 00:59:16,360
That's it, look -
"Sink the Bismarck"!
861
00:59:23,400 --> 00:59:26,480
HANDEL'S "MESSIAH" ON RADIO
862
00:59:29,920 --> 00:59:31,440
HE COUGHS POLITELY
863
00:59:32,600 --> 00:59:35,160
Yes, Ives? Oh...er...
864
00:59:35,160 --> 00:59:39,360
Just to let you know, Mr Grout,
Slade Prison, 1 - Showbiz XI, 0.
865
00:59:39,360 --> 00:59:40,840
Really?
866
00:59:40,840 --> 00:59:43,400
Set piece, free kick on the right,
Callaghan takes it.
867
00:59:43,400 --> 00:59:47,680
Rudge volleys, hits Godber's cheek
and bang! Straight in! No chance!
868
00:59:51,320 --> 00:59:54,640
You did ask to be kept informed,
Mr Grout.
869
00:59:54,640 --> 00:59:56,480
Better get back out there, then.
870
01:00:13,600 --> 01:00:16,080
Have you been bribed, Simkin?
871
01:00:16,080 --> 01:00:17,680
No, I haven't!
872
01:00:17,680 --> 01:00:19,560
Show an example, Fletcher!
873
01:00:35,240 --> 01:00:37,760
I saw that! What?
874
01:00:37,760 --> 01:00:41,520
I'm going to book you!
What's your name, Cooper?
875
01:00:43,360 --> 01:00:44,600
Cooper!
876
01:00:53,240 --> 01:00:54,520
Cooper?
877
01:00:57,600 --> 01:01:01,960
Where does it hurt? My ribs...
Here? Oh! Just there, Mr Mackay.
878
01:01:01,960 --> 01:01:04,320
Right. Here y'are.
879
01:01:09,720 --> 01:01:13,760
Er...is there somewhere I can
take a leak? Try the changing room.
880
01:01:13,760 --> 01:01:15,280
Right. Ta.
881
01:01:23,280 --> 01:01:25,800
You all right? I don't know yet!
882
01:01:26,800 --> 01:01:29,360
Oh, gawd, I've only just sat down!
883
01:01:30,360 --> 01:01:32,880
I hope it's nothing trivial.
I might get a game!
884
01:01:35,320 --> 01:01:36,880
What is it, Oaksey?
885
01:01:36,880 --> 01:01:38,920
Cartilage. I've had it before.
886
01:01:38,920 --> 01:01:41,400
Get him off. I'll help you. Come on.
887
01:01:44,080 --> 01:01:46,680
OK, Mac, set 'em alight!
888
01:01:52,680 --> 01:01:56,200
I never touched him.
I know, mate. Don't worry.
889
01:02:06,800 --> 01:02:10,320
I'd best fetch the MO.
No! You're in pain, ain't ya?
890
01:02:10,320 --> 01:02:14,800
I'll be all right. He knows naff all.
I'll have the early bath.
891
01:02:14,800 --> 01:02:18,400
Come on, Fletch.
The lads need your strategy.
892
01:02:18,400 --> 01:02:19,680
All right, son.
893
01:03:01,160 --> 01:03:04,080
Our ball! Corner kick! Come on!
894
01:03:04,080 --> 01:03:05,440
Where are they?
895
01:03:06,480 --> 01:03:08,240
Godber?
896
01:03:10,440 --> 01:03:12,560
How many fingers am I holding up,
Godber?
897
01:03:12,560 --> 01:03:15,280
You can't fool me, sir! Er...five!
898
01:03:15,280 --> 01:03:17,840
The lad's concussed. Get him off.
899
01:03:17,840 --> 01:03:21,080
Someone go
to the Plough and Sail for the MO.
900
01:03:21,080 --> 01:03:23,240
I'll go! Don't be daft!
901
01:03:23,240 --> 01:03:25,960
Right, let's get on! Corner!
902
01:03:25,960 --> 01:03:30,120
It's a goal kick! Any more, Urquhart,
and I'll have you for dissent!
903
01:03:31,200 --> 01:03:34,800
Not too tight? No, it's all right.
904
01:03:34,800 --> 01:03:37,200
'Ere, the specs! Oh, yeah.
905
01:03:42,960 --> 01:03:47,600
Get on the pitch, Jacko!
You're sub! Let Warren go on!
906
01:03:47,600 --> 01:03:49,480
I want your strength up front!
907
01:03:49,480 --> 01:03:52,520
LENNIE: Corner!
Yes, Godber, yes. Get in here.
908
01:03:56,080 --> 01:04:00,080
Sit down. I'll get water
to bathe your face.
909
01:04:00,080 --> 01:04:02,320
No, you won't, Fletcher.
910
01:04:02,320 --> 01:04:05,720
Oh, gawd! Look, we've seen nothin',
have we, Len?
911
01:04:05,720 --> 01:04:06,880
Seen what?
912
01:04:06,880 --> 01:04:09,160
It's your caper -
I don't want no part of this!
913
01:04:09,160 --> 01:04:12,080
They saw you come in. You going to
sit there till half time
914
01:04:12,080 --> 01:04:13,880
and pretend you didn't notice him?!
915
01:04:13,880 --> 01:04:16,880
Notice what?
Take them with you! What?
916
01:04:16,880 --> 01:04:19,880
You've got no choice, have you?
Or I'll be in it and all!
917
01:04:19,880 --> 01:04:22,680
Oaksey, I'm not going anywhere!
918
01:04:22,680 --> 01:04:24,080
You'll do as you're told, son.
919
01:04:25,800 --> 01:04:28,160
Oh, bleedin' hell!
920
01:04:28,160 --> 01:04:30,680
In. In! Come on, Len.
921
01:04:30,680 --> 01:04:33,240
It's our ball, Mr Mackay.
A corner!
922
01:04:33,240 --> 01:04:35,440
He don't know nothin'. Got amnesia!
923
01:04:35,440 --> 01:04:37,200
Come on! Get on with it!
924
01:05:00,920 --> 01:05:02,440
Right, shift!
925
01:05:04,800 --> 01:05:07,720
Heh-heh. Yeah, all right.
926
01:05:16,680 --> 01:05:21,920
Right, in! You're joking, Oaksey!
I'm warning you! Get IN!
927
01:05:21,920 --> 01:05:23,800
C'mon, Slade! Take no prisoners!
928
01:05:49,920 --> 01:05:52,360
Hold it, driver!
929
01:05:52,360 --> 01:05:53,960
There's a penalty being taken.
930
01:05:57,320 --> 01:05:58,640
Go to your left!
931
01:06:10,760 --> 01:06:12,680
Out you go.
932
01:06:12,680 --> 01:06:15,200
Mr Cox, open the gates!
933
01:06:33,840 --> 01:06:39,800
RADIO: # Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
934
01:06:39,800 --> 01:06:47,760
# Hallelujah! #
935
01:06:58,320 --> 01:07:01,160
Everything all right?
Who's the bird? My sister-in-law.
936
01:07:01,160 --> 01:07:04,800
What's she doing here?
A couple touring looks more natural.
937
01:07:04,800 --> 01:07:09,080
THIS time of year? Come on!
Hang on. You brought a suitcase?!
938
01:07:09,080 --> 01:07:12,960
Don't be so stupid!
Come on, Fletcher. Oh, gawd.
939
01:07:12,960 --> 01:07:15,600
I wasn't told about this! Come on!
940
01:07:20,280 --> 01:07:24,440
I wasn't told about this! Shut up!
Who are THEY? Don't look at me!
941
01:07:24,440 --> 01:07:26,920
Look, Fletch, a woman!
All right, get in there.
942
01:07:43,720 --> 01:07:45,160
HALF-TIME WHISTLE
943
01:07:47,200 --> 01:07:50,040
What's the hurry?
I'm dying for a Jimmy Riddle!
944
01:07:59,920 --> 01:08:02,480
Don't look at me, lads -
there's 11 in the team!
945
01:08:02,480 --> 01:08:04,760
Only one of us
let the ball through.
946
01:08:04,760 --> 01:08:06,640
Where's Fletch? Probably knackered.
947
01:08:06,640 --> 01:08:08,640
It's not like Fletch
to miss his orange.
948
01:08:21,760 --> 01:08:23,920
HE MUMBLES
949
01:08:27,840 --> 01:08:30,840
Your chaps were unlucky
not to equalise!
950
01:08:30,840 --> 01:08:34,000
Not MY chaps. I'm impartial.
951
01:08:34,000 --> 01:08:38,480
Young Budge played well. Rudge, sir.
That's what I said.
952
01:08:38,480 --> 01:08:41,200
How are the walking wounded?
953
01:08:41,200 --> 01:08:43,800
Mr Mackay... Just a moment, Henry.
954
01:08:43,800 --> 01:08:47,760
But... I'm talking to the Governor,
Mr Barrowclough!
955
01:08:47,760 --> 01:08:51,680
Yes, but...there's something
I think you ought to know.
956
01:08:55,160 --> 01:09:01,080
Cheer up, Fletch! I'm doin' you
a favour, son. We're free and clear!
957
01:09:01,080 --> 01:09:03,560
They'll have blocked the roads.
958
01:09:03,560 --> 01:09:05,920
We're going North, to Scotland.
959
01:09:05,920 --> 01:09:09,520
They'll never figure on that, eh?
Not on Dumfries.
960
01:09:09,520 --> 01:09:12,720
Dumfries.
Queen o' the South, their team.
961
01:09:12,720 --> 01:09:17,960
Scottish League Division B, as was.
Dumfries, 0 - Hamilton, 1.
962
01:09:17,960 --> 01:09:21,440
He all right?
He banged his head on the post.
963
01:09:21,440 --> 01:09:24,040
At least he's oblivious
to this fiasco!
964
01:09:24,040 --> 01:09:27,160
St Johnstone, 2... Leave it out.
965
01:09:27,160 --> 01:09:30,880
What do you mean, fiasco?
Sweet as a nut, this!
966
01:09:30,880 --> 01:09:34,000
You may have good reason for doing
something this drastic -
967
01:09:34,000 --> 01:09:36,360
but I got under a year to go
and the lad even less!
968
01:09:36,360 --> 01:09:38,000
You're doing us no favours.
969
01:09:38,000 --> 01:09:43,120
I haven't got the money for plastic
surgery and a ticket to Acapulco.
970
01:09:43,120 --> 01:09:46,000
I do not relish winter in Dumfries!
971
01:09:46,000 --> 01:09:50,440
I'm upset you feel that way.
Oh, yeah? But I had to bring you.
972
01:09:50,440 --> 01:09:54,280
Not no further, you don't! Dump us!
We're in the middle of nowehere.
973
01:09:54,280 --> 01:09:56,680
You know about Dumfries.
974
01:09:56,680 --> 01:10:00,960
I don't know nothin'.
It's still them and us, remember?
975
01:10:07,200 --> 01:10:10,920
On your way, then.
Yeah, see you, Oaksey.
976
01:10:11,960 --> 01:10:13,480
I hope NOT!
977
01:10:18,120 --> 01:10:20,640
We're out! Yeah, I know, son.
978
01:10:22,720 --> 01:10:24,120
Come on.
979
01:10:30,440 --> 01:10:32,480
Yes, yes...I'll wait.
980
01:10:32,480 --> 01:10:36,200
Ah! Everything's in hand, sir.
They won't get far.
981
01:10:36,200 --> 01:10:40,040
Police have been informed. Checks on
all major roads south and east.
982
01:10:40,040 --> 01:10:42,760
Local police are
looking for the coach.
983
01:10:42,760 --> 01:10:44,520
I'm detailing some of our men
to help.
984
01:10:44,520 --> 01:10:46,960
And I'M ringing the Home Office. Oh.
985
01:10:46,960 --> 01:10:51,480
"Oh," indeed, Mr Mackay!
This match was YOUR suggestion!
986
01:10:51,480 --> 01:10:54,720
Mine, sir? Oh, no, sir!
987
01:10:54,720 --> 01:10:58,360
No, no, let us be fair.
The idea came from Mr Beal.
988
01:10:58,360 --> 01:10:59,960
Did it?
989
01:10:59,960 --> 01:11:03,120
Sorry, I know you have other
things on your mind,
990
01:11:03,120 --> 01:11:05,640
but how will I get my chaps
back to London?
991
01:11:05,640 --> 01:11:08,040
Er... Oh, hello?
992
01:11:08,040 --> 01:11:10,440
Would you mind...?
993
01:11:10,440 --> 01:11:12,800
Treadaway, Slade.
994
01:11:29,440 --> 01:11:32,160
All right, Len? I think so.
995
01:11:32,160 --> 01:11:36,600
Good, cos we need clear heads
to get out of this mess!
996
01:11:36,600 --> 01:11:40,360
'Ere, stick some of these
in your pockets.
997
01:11:40,360 --> 01:11:44,600
What for? Sustenance, son. We might
be out all night in this, you know!
998
01:11:44,600 --> 01:11:46,920
He's really dropped us in it!
999
01:11:48,360 --> 01:11:51,160
It weren't our fault.
WE didn't go over the wall.
1000
01:11:51,160 --> 01:11:54,680
The screws don't know that!
They've had a conflab by now -
1001
01:11:54,680 --> 01:11:57,440
"Whose idea was the football match?"
"Fletcher's, sir."
1002
01:11:57,440 --> 01:11:58,720
"Oh, really? Very nice."
1003
01:11:58,720 --> 01:12:00,680
They'll put two and two together
to make three.
1004
01:12:00,680 --> 01:12:02,480
Three? Three years.
1005
01:12:02,480 --> 01:12:06,320
We can't let 'em catch us.
Can we give ourselves up to the law?
1006
01:12:06,320 --> 01:12:08,840
We can't - they wouldn't listen!
1007
01:12:08,840 --> 01:12:13,160
Some local bobby won't want to miss
the chance of capturing us!
1008
01:12:13,160 --> 01:12:15,960
A commendation!
Another notch on his truncheon!
1009
01:12:18,000 --> 01:12:23,000
What are we going to do? Actually,
I've got the perfect solution. What?
1010
01:12:24,800 --> 01:12:26,400
We're going to break back in.
1011
01:12:26,400 --> 01:12:28,080
Yeah, I know, I know! Come on.
1012
01:12:30,120 --> 01:12:32,240
Hey, why don't we nick a chicken?
1013
01:12:32,240 --> 01:12:35,640
On a Wednesday afternoon?! Where'd
we get sage and onion stuffing?
1014
01:12:41,920 --> 01:12:43,560
COW MOOS
1015
01:12:45,320 --> 01:12:47,760
DOG BEGINS TO BARK
1016
01:13:01,200 --> 01:13:03,840
Oi! Come back here!
1017
01:13:11,440 --> 01:13:19,440
POLICE SIREN
1018
01:13:23,360 --> 01:13:26,880
PRISONERS SING:
# Nymphs and shepherds gone away
1019
01:13:26,880 --> 01:13:33,240
# Gone away! Gone away! #
QUIET! QUIET!
1020
01:13:33,240 --> 01:13:36,840
# Gone, gone, gone, gone away! #
1021
01:13:39,720 --> 01:13:44,000
Hey, Fletch? What? How d'you know
we're going the right way?
1022
01:13:45,920 --> 01:13:47,600
By the sun.
1023
01:14:06,680 --> 01:14:08,840
ORGAN MUSIC
1024
01:14:36,880 --> 01:14:38,560
SHEEP BLEATS
Ow!
1025
01:15:02,600 --> 01:15:06,360
Excuse me!
Can YOU tell me what's going on?
1026
01:15:06,360 --> 01:15:09,280
No-one seems to know. We'll miss
our train if we don't leave soon.
1027
01:15:09,280 --> 01:15:12,720
Oh, sorry. The police want
statements from all of you.
1028
01:15:12,720 --> 01:15:17,800
This could all have been
worked out in advance.
1029
01:15:17,800 --> 01:15:20,320
If we'd brought Michael
Parkinson or the Goodies,
1030
01:15:20,320 --> 01:15:22,480
you wouldn't have held them
for questioning!
1031
01:15:22,480 --> 01:15:24,520
Probably not.
1032
01:15:24,520 --> 01:15:26,320
But of course, you didn't, did you?
1033
01:15:36,040 --> 01:15:39,120
Oh, dear. I told you
it would be dodgy!
1034
01:15:45,880 --> 01:15:47,960
Come on, don't flag!
1035
01:15:47,960 --> 01:15:49,360
Jab! Jab!
1036
01:15:50,480 --> 01:15:52,080
It's the big one next week, sir!
1037
01:15:55,760 --> 01:15:59,760
Who was that?
A couple of escaped convicts. Oh.
1038
01:16:04,920 --> 01:16:08,720
Fletch, leave the bell alone!
Oh, all right.
1039
01:16:08,720 --> 01:16:10,480
Old habits die hard.
1040
01:16:12,040 --> 01:16:13,960
Might as well
give this back an' all.
1041
01:16:22,720 --> 01:16:25,280
You just won't admit it.
1042
01:16:25,280 --> 01:16:26,680
We're lost!
1043
01:16:27,680 --> 01:16:29,800
It'll be dark soon,
we'll have to sleep rough.
1044
01:16:29,800 --> 01:16:32,120
There'll be frosty tonight.
All right for some -
1045
01:16:32,120 --> 01:16:36,840
some of us have long trousers!
Ssh! What is it?
1046
01:16:36,840 --> 01:16:39,680
I heard something.
1047
01:16:39,680 --> 01:16:41,400
BREAKS TWIG LOUDLY
1048
01:16:41,400 --> 01:16:43,200
Thank you, Hiawatha!
1049
01:16:43,200 --> 01:16:46,560
Hiawatha didn't wear football boots!
1050
01:16:46,560 --> 01:16:48,080
Sssh! Get down!
1051
01:16:50,000 --> 01:16:51,560
What is it?
1052
01:16:52,640 --> 01:16:54,080
Cops.
1053
01:16:54,080 --> 01:16:57,240
Copse? Like a wooded glade? Yeah.
1054
01:16:57,240 --> 01:16:59,560
A wooded glade
crawling with bleedin' cops!
1055
01:17:10,800 --> 01:17:14,520
Mackay, Slade Prison.
Any developments?
1056
01:17:14,520 --> 01:17:16,080
No. They're long gone by now.
1057
01:17:16,080 --> 01:17:19,600
Checked for tyre tracks
of a getaway vehicle?
1058
01:17:19,600 --> 01:17:22,600
We never thought of that!
1059
01:17:22,600 --> 01:17:27,120
I didn't mean... If you did
your job, they wouldn't BE out!
1060
01:17:27,120 --> 01:17:29,800
This is NOT an everyday occurrence!
1061
01:17:29,800 --> 01:17:31,840
You expect the odd one to tunnel out
1062
01:17:31,840 --> 01:17:33,880
or go over the wall
on a rope ladder,
1063
01:17:33,880 --> 01:17:38,160
but THREE of them?
Driving out in a bus?!
1064
01:17:39,360 --> 01:17:42,200
Let's go, lads.
What about the coach?
1065
01:17:42,200 --> 01:17:44,960
It's all yours.
We're finished with it.
1066
01:17:47,920 --> 01:17:48,960
HORN HONKS
1067
01:18:00,200 --> 01:18:01,880
Mr Collinson, return to the prison.
1068
01:18:01,880 --> 01:18:04,120
I will drive the coach
with Mr Miller.
1069
01:18:10,840 --> 01:18:14,640
Er...are you sure you can drive
this thing, sir?
1070
01:18:14,640 --> 01:18:16,440
This?!
1071
01:18:16,440 --> 01:18:18,000
No bother at all!
1072
01:18:29,240 --> 01:18:31,040
Right, come on.
1073
01:18:33,400 --> 01:18:35,320
ENGINE STALLS
1074
01:18:36,480 --> 01:18:37,680
Clutch!
1075
01:18:41,520 --> 01:18:43,080
Straight back as you are.
1076
01:18:46,840 --> 01:18:48,080
That's it, come on.
1077
01:18:50,000 --> 01:18:52,320
Keep coming, Mr Mackay. Come on!
1078
01:18:58,880 --> 01:19:01,240
Bit more.
1079
01:19:01,240 --> 01:19:02,840
All right, you're clear there!
1080
01:19:14,960 --> 01:19:18,040
Oh, it's you, Mr Mackay!
Yes, me, laddie!
1081
01:19:18,040 --> 01:19:21,480
If you'd been half-awake earlier,
this would never have happened! Sir!
1082
01:19:43,160 --> 01:19:46,920
It's cold. If they're in the open,
it'll freeze their brass monkeys off.
1083
01:19:46,920 --> 01:19:50,200
I hope so, Mr Miller. I HOPE so!
1084
01:20:11,280 --> 01:20:13,040
QUIETLY: It's just like
the wooden horse!
1085
01:20:36,040 --> 01:20:37,160
What wooden horse?
1086
01:20:38,680 --> 01:20:43,000
The Greeks and the Trojans.
That's how the Greeks got into Troy.
1087
01:20:43,000 --> 01:20:47,080
Save the history lesson till we get
back into our flowery dell.
1088
01:20:47,080 --> 01:20:49,400
How are you going to manage that?
1089
01:20:49,400 --> 01:20:51,520
Have I ever let you down? No.
1090
01:20:52,600 --> 01:20:56,440
Well, I might now. Come on.
1091
01:21:05,520 --> 01:21:07,840
Ssh. Freeze!
I'm freezin' already!
1092
01:21:16,840 --> 01:21:18,640
What's this? C'mon, give us a hand.
1093
01:21:25,840 --> 01:21:27,200
Come on.
1094
01:21:31,440 --> 01:21:32,640
Oww!
1095
01:21:35,520 --> 01:21:38,920
But it's half-past eight, Chalky!
The club should be open!
1096
01:21:38,920 --> 01:21:42,920
Under the circumstances,
I thought nobody would be here.
1097
01:21:42,920 --> 01:21:47,240
Well, in the circumstances, I need
a drink more than most evenings!
1098
01:21:48,840 --> 01:21:54,120
Mr Barrowclough? Something to keep
out the cold. Yes, it's bitter out.
1099
01:21:54,120 --> 01:21:58,360
It's bitter IN!
Make those two large ones, will you?
1100
01:21:58,360 --> 01:22:02,040
You know, I'm surprised
at Fletcher and Godber going over.
1101
01:22:02,040 --> 01:22:06,640
Surprised and disappointed.
You will never learn, will you?
1102
01:22:06,640 --> 01:22:10,280
You can't judge these people
by OUR standards of decency.
1103
01:22:10,280 --> 01:22:12,640
They are the dregs of society!
1104
01:22:14,680 --> 01:22:17,480
MOANING
Oh, ta.
1105
01:22:17,480 --> 01:22:20,000
What was that? Ssh, ssh.
1106
01:22:20,000 --> 01:22:21,400
MOANING CONTINUES
1107
01:22:21,400 --> 01:22:23,040
It's coming from the store room!
1108
01:22:26,440 --> 01:22:28,000
Help...
1109
01:22:28,000 --> 01:22:30,920
It's locked! Of course it's locked -
that's where I keep the booze.
1110
01:22:30,920 --> 01:22:32,720
Give me the keys!
1111
01:22:32,720 --> 01:22:33,760
Help!
1112
01:22:35,840 --> 01:22:39,720
Oh, thank God, Mr Mackay!
Saved at last!
1113
01:22:39,720 --> 01:22:45,040
Where are we? Who is it? Don't worry,
Len. Our ordeal is over.
1114
01:22:47,440 --> 01:22:49,320
HE HICCUPS
1115
01:22:49,320 --> 01:22:53,080
You say that Oakes forced you
down the delivery hatch?!
1116
01:22:53,080 --> 01:22:56,120
At gun point!
He had to do something, sir.
1117
01:22:56,120 --> 01:22:58,760
Or we'd have blown
the whistle on him.
1118
01:22:58,760 --> 01:23:03,560
We'd have gone for Mr Mackay -
who had the whistle at the time!
1119
01:23:03,560 --> 01:23:06,960
It's no laughing matter!
The man's been drinking, sir!
1120
01:23:06,960 --> 01:23:10,760
I had to, sir. It was medicinal.
It was perishing down there!
1121
01:23:10,760 --> 01:23:14,680
The audacity of it! Prisoners
in a Prison Officers' Club!
1122
01:23:14,680 --> 01:23:16,960
A shrewd move on Oaksey's part.
1123
01:23:19,360 --> 01:23:20,640
I don't follow.
1124
01:23:22,000 --> 01:23:25,000
He knew it was the once place
you never find a prison officer!
1125
01:23:35,800 --> 01:23:40,280
There'll be a few red faces in
the Guv'nor's office this morning!
1126
01:23:40,280 --> 01:23:41,520
King, please.
1127
01:23:41,520 --> 01:23:46,960
They put it out on BBC last night -
"Three prisoners escape from Slade"'
1128
01:23:46,960 --> 01:23:49,720
This morning, they said,
"Sorry, we only meant one."
1129
01:23:49,720 --> 01:23:52,960
Makes 'em look
as if they can't count!
1130
01:23:52,960 --> 01:23:54,280
Oi, Fletcher!
1131
01:23:56,720 --> 01:23:59,440
Oh, hello, Mr Grouty, sir.
1132
01:23:59,440 --> 01:24:03,240
There'll be something for you
in your Christmas stocking.
1133
01:24:03,240 --> 01:24:05,000
I'll look forward to that, sir.
1134
01:24:06,840 --> 01:24:08,280
Carry on!
1135
01:24:12,640 --> 01:24:16,720
What did he mean? I got
some millet for his lovebirds.
1136
01:24:16,720 --> 01:24:19,280
Samson and Delilah don't eat millet!
1137
01:24:19,280 --> 01:24:21,080
The CAGE birds, you nerk!
1138
01:24:21,080 --> 01:24:24,960
BELL RINGS
Oh, dear.
1139
01:24:26,720 --> 01:24:29,400
I don't know why you kowtow to him!
1140
01:24:29,400 --> 01:24:31,160
I know you don't, Mr Banyard.
1141
01:24:31,160 --> 01:24:33,400
That's why
your nose looks like it does.
1142
01:24:38,360 --> 01:24:41,840
'Ere, Fletch. What?
All right, you are. Am I?
1143
01:24:41,840 --> 01:24:45,920
You use your head. All you got
in here. I'm learnin' that. Good.
1144
01:24:46,960 --> 01:24:50,360
DJ ON RADIO:
OK, today's horoscope for Taurus.
1145
01:24:50,360 --> 01:24:53,280
Romantic inclinations
may pull you one direction,
1146
01:24:53,280 --> 01:24:56,360
but cool common sense will urge you
to follow another course.
1147
01:25:02,680 --> 01:25:07,160
Everybody's been askin' me today
what really happened. Oh, yeah?
1148
01:25:08,360 --> 01:25:10,880
You'd be amazed
at some of the theories.
1149
01:25:12,920 --> 01:25:17,080
YOU'RE all right. It all adds fuel
to the Fletcher legend!
1150
01:25:17,080 --> 01:25:18,480
What's up with you?
1151
01:25:18,480 --> 01:25:23,240
We're here while Oakes
is Hardy Kruger! Hardy Kruger?
1152
01:25:23,240 --> 01:25:25,880
"The One That Got Away".
1153
01:25:25,880 --> 01:25:29,200
A film, starring Hardy Kruger.
1154
01:25:29,200 --> 01:25:33,640
Don't worry about it. Before long,
he'll be Googie Withers again!
1155
01:25:33,640 --> 01:25:35,400
Googie Withers?
1156
01:25:35,400 --> 01:25:37,200
"Within These Walls".
1157
01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:44,080
Maybe not. Maybe he got abroad.
He'll hate it.
1158
01:25:44,080 --> 01:25:47,800
They always do. You can't sit in
the sun for the rest of your life!
1159
01:25:49,480 --> 01:25:54,160
Before long, he'll get homesick
for Halifax or wherever he lives.
1160
01:25:54,160 --> 01:25:57,720
He'll miss kippers, or custard,
or wildcat strikes.
1161
01:25:59,720 --> 01:26:01,000
Maybe.
1162
01:26:02,840 --> 01:26:08,560
Look, Len, bide your time. I mean,
you'll soon be out, free and clear.
1163
01:26:08,560 --> 01:26:11,600
And you won't be lookin' over
your shoulder all the time,
1164
01:26:11,600 --> 01:26:14,120
listenin' for every creak
on the stair.
1165
01:26:16,800 --> 01:26:20,200
Yeah. You're right.
I wasn't thinkin' straight.
1166
01:26:20,200 --> 01:26:23,680
The fresh air must have gone
to me head. Shtum.
1167
01:26:23,680 --> 01:26:24,760
Evening, Mr Mackay.
1168
01:26:27,000 --> 01:26:29,000
I won't buy it, Fletcher.
1169
01:26:29,000 --> 01:26:30,760
Just as well cos it ain't for sale.
1170
01:26:32,920 --> 01:26:35,640
You know to what I am referring.
1171
01:26:35,640 --> 01:26:37,760
The Governor may believe your story
1172
01:26:37,760 --> 01:26:40,520
but the Governor
does not walk these floors.
1173
01:26:45,360 --> 01:26:47,880
I was in the village today.
1174
01:26:47,880 --> 01:26:51,920
Some peculiar reports -
sightings, even.
1175
01:26:51,920 --> 01:26:54,760
UFOs you mean, sir? Oh, yes.
1176
01:26:54,760 --> 01:26:58,160
Unidentified FLEEING Objects!
1177
01:26:58,160 --> 01:27:02,040
A boxer in shorts with his trainer,
a sexton's missing bike,
1178
01:27:02,040 --> 01:27:05,840
a farmer sees two thieves
running from his apple store.
1179
01:27:05,840 --> 01:27:09,960
I can't prove you were out,
Fletcher, Godber,
1180
01:27:09,960 --> 01:27:12,760
but mark my words -
1181
01:27:12,760 --> 01:27:14,480
my day will come.
1182
01:27:35,600 --> 01:27:39,000
# Made a wrong turn at 17
1183
01:27:39,000 --> 01:27:42,040
# Took me down a one-way street
1184
01:27:42,040 --> 01:27:45,880
# I should have listened to my head
And turned right round
1185
01:27:45,880 --> 01:27:49,400
# Instead of just followin' my feet
1186
01:27:49,400 --> 01:27:53,400
# I thought I was headin'
in the right direction
1187
01:27:53,400 --> 01:27:56,760
# But it was downhill all the way
1188
01:27:56,760 --> 01:28:00,960
# Ohhh, sooner or later
The man's gonna take ya
1189
01:28:00,960 --> 01:28:04,000
# Turn on the key and lock you away
1190
01:28:05,640 --> 01:28:08,200
# But it's gonna be all right
1191
01:28:09,680 --> 01:28:11,760
# It's comin' out good
1192
01:28:11,760 --> 01:28:14,040
# It's gonna be all right
1193
01:28:15,480 --> 01:28:19,280
# I'm changin' my ways
And turnin' the tide
1194
01:28:21,680 --> 01:28:25,760
# There's a piece of me
that no-one can take
1195
01:28:25,760 --> 01:28:28,440
# It's locked up in my head
1196
01:28:28,440 --> 01:28:33,240
# And I've got the key
And it keeps me free inside
1197
01:28:35,840 --> 01:28:39,880
# There's a piece of me
that no-one can take
1198
01:28:39,880 --> 01:28:41,800
# And it's locked up in my head
1199
01:28:42,920 --> 01:28:46,640
# And I'm feeling free inside
1200
01:28:46,640 --> 01:28:53,400
# I never gave ya no hard luck story
Never gave ya no alibis
1201
01:28:53,400 --> 01:28:57,440
# Dip your hands in the hat
And you pull out a ticket
1202
01:28:57,440 --> 01:29:00,480
# Don't mean you take the prize
1203
01:29:00,480 --> 01:29:04,800
# I know I was headin'
in the wrong direction
1204
01:29:04,800 --> 01:29:07,880
# But a man can change his ways
1205
01:29:07,880 --> 01:29:12,120
# Ohhh, sooner or later
Time's gonna make ya
1206
01:29:12,120 --> 01:29:17,120
# Count up the cost
And count up the days
1207
01:29:17,120 --> 01:29:20,920
# But it's gonna be all right
1208
01:29:20,920 --> 01:29:23,600
# It's comin' out good
1209
01:29:23,600 --> 01:29:26,040
# It's gonna be all right
1210
01:29:27,320 --> 01:29:31,800
# I'm changin' my ways
And turnin' the tide
1211
01:29:33,440 --> 01:29:37,800
# There's a piece of me
that no-one can take
1212
01:29:37,800 --> 01:29:40,120
# And it's locked up in my head. #
1213
01:29:40,120 --> 01:29:42,160
DOORS SLAM
154870
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